Tosh Show - My Bachelorette, Panda - Amanda Lambert

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

Daniel's cousin-in-law Amanda (aka Panda) opens up about her dating life and why she has allowed Daniel to publicly take charge of her search for love. Join our Patreon for exclusive content: http://patreon.com/toshshow

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Welcome to Tosh. I'm your captain, Dan Tosh. Is that a proper salute, Ed? Seems pretty good. Fingers are curled. Is it not supposed to curl? No, I don't know. Just kind of keep you straight across.

Oh. Like a quick gesture. A suit fest. Like, you guys trying to get away with something. You got some Tourette's almost. Yeah. Anyway, you know what DWZ is? Nope.

Retirement plan? No. Die with zero. Okay, yeah. It's the whole goal of you're supposed to spend your money. Your money doesn't need to outlive you. Die with nothing. Okay.

Guess what? You're there. I'm going to do it. I've decided I'm going to do it. What's the point? It's hard because you don't know when you're going to die. Right. Mm.

Unless you do. Okay. Okay? Because then it's easy to plot it out. but let's say you don't know when you're going to die let's say you're one of those old-fashioned people that doesn't believe you should be yourself how do you spend how much do you a lot

it's like Brewster's millions yeah it's a fun game to play anyway I'm fascinated by this die-was-zero retirement plan what about you guys you want to save money for your kids or Pete for your dog yeah Pete what are you going to do there

you putting some away for dog gets a house in North Hollywood Pete's going to bury stuff in the backyard, let his girl dig it up. I don't know. I struggle with this. I read about this billionaire that has quarterly meetings with his family, letting him know exactly how much money he has, what he's spending on, and it's just keeping people in the loop. And just like, it's just part, he's like, you can pretend, I don't have this money,

but we all know I do. So let's, here's what we're, here's, here's where, a state of the affairs. and this is what you need to do when old gravy train kicks the bucket. I kind of like that approach too. But I don't want to incentivize the heathens that I live with. But you're probably spending on them. No, I don't spend.

I only spend on travel. If I'm going to go someplace, I'm going to enjoy it. I don't get a nice hotel room so that I can walk around the city. I fucking stay in my hotel room. I think that's why I've always like walking around the city is to get out of the bad room. Yeah, Eddie walks around the cities, which is good for him, okay? But that's because he's staying in a horrible flea bag. And nothing's more apparent than after I work with you for a couple weeks and then I go on one of my solo gigs and I'm like, oh, my God, the hotel, this is, this is bad.

Yeah. I got Valentine's Day coming up. Speaking of nice hotels, Pete made a huge mistake. We made a reservation at this hotel because my father-in-law wanted to go to this town so bad. I'm not going to say the name of the town. Anyway, well, the weather I got bad. Then I said, Pete, I don't want to go. He's not going to be able to leave the room, you know, which is fine for me.

But my kids, they'll get irritated. And he won't get to see the town. So I go cancel the reservation. He's like, well, you can't. I'm like, what? You can't cancel a reservation? But no, you're going to get stuck with the bill. He's like, they'll give you a one-time courtesy where you can just pick another date.

So anyway, you know, I'm throwing it out there. Oh, my go, Valentine's Day is on a Saturday this year. Let's go there for Valentine's Day. And, you know, hopefully the world ends before that. But now here comes Valentine's Day and I've got this reservation at this hotel. And we're going to do it. But not with my father-in-law. Oh.

He's not here right now. Okay, yeah, I thought. So I have to go back to this place again. when he's back. This is all because of Pete. He's like, well, you saved $15 by paying all cash and not being able to cancel. Yeah? Well, great.

And you can't move it again. It was a one-time courtesy. Cute. They got you. They got me good. They got you so good. Now I'm having, because my wife has been very good about Valentine's Day. Our entire relationship, here's our tradition.

You know, my wife loves traditions. Whatever. She creates them, creates them. She creates made up bullshit constantly. Our tradition for Valentine's Day every year, no matter when Valentine's Day is, someday during that week, we go to a nice lunch. The end. There you go.

There's no flowers. Perfect. There's no gift. We go to lunch someplace nice without the children someday during Valentine's Day week. Pretty good tradition, if you ask me. A lot of times we go to shutter. in Santa Monica. And, you know, you sit by the strand there

and watch the fruit cakes rollerblade by. You know, my wife would just yell at them. Yeah, she likes the yell at skaters. Fruit cakes. No, what do they call? What do they call the rollerbladers? Fruit booters. Fruit booters.

She'd just start screaming, Fruitbooter. I'm like, come on, honey. Why don't we pass that? It's 2026. We've lived in California for so long now. Yeah. You can't take the hate out of her heart. No, but so this year we're having a whole weekend. Kids, friends. We had to bring friends because we have an extra room. Right. Because the in-laws aren't

with us. You still got to go back at some point. Yep. Because your dad wants to see. Oh, man. It's hard to save money in my family with the people that I live with. You're on your way, that. The lifestyle that they've grown accustomed to. That's why I'm trying to work so hard this year. Yeah. I want to get my nest egg bulked up and then I want to hunker down. Spend it all. 2027.

How many cities has Greg not been to that he still wants to hit? You know what he said to me on this last little trip where we took him? He's always shocking us where he goes, you know, I've always wanted to come here. He said this. He goes, I don't know why they keep bringing me to big cities. I don't even like big cities.

I was like, what? Where did this come from? I don't even know why they keep bringing me to big cities. I don't even like big cities. That's where the shows are, Greg. Yeah, that's where the shows are. Well, listen, I feel for a, for Panda, Valentine's Day is just a huge mirror held up to her.

Right. And let her know how, you know, not loved she is. Look at what you've done. Oh, it's sad. And you can't go on a date right now because it's right next to Valentine's Day. And there's so much pressure like, oh, shit, do we do this again in four more days? You know who we need to call is her mother. Her mother's a lovely woman.

Okay. And happily married, not to, not to Panda's father, but I think her childhood romance. Oh. So I'm going to call, let's call Panda's mom. Yeah. And see if she knows what the root of all our troubles are. Oh, that's funny. You want to know what she's under in my phone?

What? Mom. She can't be mom. She's not even my mother-in-law. She's a-mom. She's my aunt-in-law. Right. My aunt-in-law.

Let's see if she answers. Travis. Daniel. How are you doing? I am good. Doing good. How are you doing? I'm doing great.

It's your daughter's landlord. Yes. I know who exactly you are. And she's lucky to have you. Quick question. Here's what we're doing. You know, you know I've been trying to find your daughter love. Yes, I do indeed.

It hasn't been going well. What should I be looking for? What would be the ideal person that you say yes? That's who my daughter should be with. Okay. Tall, liberal. Uh-huh. It'd be nice if he was a vegetarian or vegan.

Um, smart. Oh, yeah, smart and funny. Oh. Who would adore her. That's what I would be looking for. What about age? Do you care about age? Um, uh, you know, I'd say she can go down five years or so and go up 10 years. Yeah, I think that's fine. Somewhere in that range. I think he could. What about, what about her last boyfriend? Was he too old? No, I don't, I do not think he was too old.

Uh, very nice man. He felt, he felt old to me. He did. He felt old to me. He did. He felt, he felt, He felt old. I didn't think he looked his age. And he was funny. He was sharp. I liked him. You tend to like everyone that she dates. Is there any of her boyfriends that you disliked?

Not initially, no. What about the one that she went seven years with that couldn't say I love you? Well, yeah, I have anger issues about that still. Yeah, he was wrong. And her brother tried to say that. I think her dad said that. My husband said that. So, yeah, he was not.

Speaking of your husband, I mean, just were you guys, did you guys date in high school or no? No, we were good friends in high school. We dated in college. Okay, you dated in college. Then you got married for a couple decades and then how long after. Two other people. Right, to other people. And then how quickly after that did you guys tie the knot?

After divorce, five years. Uh-huh. And now how long have you been married to him? This year in October will be 15. 15 years. Look at that with your old college sweetheart. He's a cutie still. Now tell people, is my best feature my ears?

Your best feature? No, your best feature is your smile. Oh, man. But my ears are pretty strong. They are good. I told you once you had perfect ears. I think I did say that. nice cute little ears for a man especially

from a nice little cute man he is all right listen I think this is the year I think 2026 is the year we find panda true love I think it happens I think it happens I would love that if we don't put a mouth on it then it's not going to happen so

that's right yeah all right and smart funny kind all that good stuff and tall got it and tall yeah she definitely was tall He's like AI. All right. Thank you, Travis. You are so welcome.

Lovely talking to you. I'll talk to you later, boy. Yeah, she's good. She's good. Yeah, she knows what she wants. I mean, I hate to tell her. You know, we're not going to be able to tick all those boxes. But we'll settle for not a convict.

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It's time to dive deeper into what has gone wrong so we can write this ship before it's too late and her eggs dry up. Please welcome Tosh's most eligible bachelorette, Amanda, aka Panda. Thank you. First question I ask all my guests. Have you ever been in love? Yes. You fall in love all the time.

I do. Easy to fall in love. I mean, that's a shame. Even though this isn't one of our standard interviews, I'm sure your potential suitors would like to know if you believe in ghost. So they know what kind of crazy you are. No. You kind of believe.

You get scared easily. I believe. You get scared easily. Well, that's like jump scare. And if there's like a hanging person in a shower, I get scared easily. You get scared when we're not home. But that's not of ghosts. That's just like people.

It's rape. Yeah, it's rape. It's always, that's the scare. I get it. That seems awful. I too have the same fear. It's funny, though, when I'm home, the amount of people on the property that, that feel at ease because I am there is really absurd. Because I couldn't do anything.

There's nothing I would do other than run faster than you guys. By the way, we call you panda. for those people that don't know because my children, I don't know why. I just gave you the nickname of Panda instead of Amanda when they were little. And then they both say paw instead of shortening for Panda. And then the other one says Paw Paw. So at this point, people just think when you're out with my wife that you guys are just two lesbians with children. Right.

Or a grandpa if I'm not there. Oh, Paw Paw. Paw. That's Paw Paw. Arb has crossed how many years ago? Five. Is that it? Six.

2019, you were in Florida. You lived in Jacksonville? Atlantic Beach. Atlantic Beach. You try to distinguish it like that it's better, but it's not. So cute. It's all garbage. It's cute.

It's disgusting up there. Oh, Jacksonville might be one of the worst cities in all of Florida. I stand by that. I agree parts of it. The thing that makes Jacksonville such a horrible place is the people. Mm-hmm. You're born and raised in Florida? Yes. Where were you born?

Gainesville. You were born in Gainesville? Yeah, at Shands. I don't know. Is that a hospital? It's a teaching hospital. It's known to be, like, horrible. Were you delivered by a student? Probably. I don't know who was delivered by. Do they gator chomp you out of the bag?

To the head. That's funny. All right, so you're born in Gainesville, and then you grew up in Satellite Beach. Yes, we had a short stint in Mobile, Alabama. I loved it. How do you remember it? Because I started riding men at first at six. Oh, geez.

The horse stuff. Yeah, and it was my love. So I was obsessed with that. Then we moved to Satellite Beach when I was in fifth grade and then stayed there. And then you went to college at Auburn University in Alabama for one year. You failed, flunked or dropped out? None of the above. What?

I transferred to UF. I wrote on the equestrian team. I know. Okay. And then I transferred to UF. At the time, my parents moved back to Gainesville. I had a bunch of friends there. The guy I was dating was at UF.

And I was just, I was feeling like homesick. So you followed love. Yes, always. And you left horses. I left horses. All right. So then you graduated Gainesville and then you're in a bunch of shitty relationships. And then you were dating one guy for seven years.

Yeah. And he wouldn't say I love you. Yeah. I forgot about that the entire time. You didn't say I love you. That's crazy. You dated him for seven years. You didn't say I love you.

Not once. I don't get guys like that. Anybody that says that, oh, I don't ever, I only want to say it one time. I'm like, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, no, it's crazy. I think he wrote like, Love Always in a card one time. And he was like, it's so you can read it. You can, like, read the word love from me.

So you were at the end of that seven-year relationship when I met you, I believe. Yes. And you felt trapped in Florida. And I said, hey, come out to California. I'll get you a job, you know, on Tosh. And this is like February of 2020. And then the pandemic hit. And Chris McCarthy, you.

that as an excuse to destroy all of Comedy Central. And you didn't have a job. It's just weird, the ripple effect. So you didn't, but then you just started being like, well, you forced me out here. So I just like started throwing projects your way for a while. All of them just, you know, one right after another. It was like, well, that's not the right fit. Right.

We went to Australia. We taught my kid to walk. That was 2020. The phone call of you guys inviting me out here was, crazy because it was on a Thursday and you said, okay, but we've already started the show and they're like on me about getting an assistant. So you have to be out here and start work on Monday. Right. Which is crazy. So I was doing a Thursday. I said, change your life. Get out here, but you have to be here by Monday. And I gave her the opportunity and she did. Now, what was your job?

You would go around to like weird meth houses in Florida. Yeah, metafel device. And you had build knees for old people that were like falling apart? No. John builds knees. What did you do? Let me think. I took a bone growth stimulator to the patient's house and showed them how to use it after they had a spinal fusion. And you were doing that in dangerous areas of Florida. Crazy weird places. And so we gave you an out.

We threw your lifelines that just knock it off, just quit. And you quit and your company was furious that you just quit with no two weeks notice, no nothing. They were blindsided. And they're like, you'll regret it. Yep. And your mom's wanted you to. come, has your mom wanted you to come back? Um, I mean, she said it a few times.

I don't know if she genuinely means it. Yeah, but you got a good mom. She's fun. She's fun to hang out with. Yeah. She loves you. Mm-hmm. But you've stayed out here ever since.

You've been out here for six years now. Mm-hmm. And was that a good decision? Yes, hands down. You don't regret it. I don't. Even though it's, it's been bad relationships and, and, and even worse, you know, you think her luck is bad finding love.

How about a good job? Just disaster. Explain to the audience why you are willing to turn all decision-making power in your love life over to me. Great question. I don't know how we actually got there. I think you brought it up. And I said, yes, please take over. You don't do the apps.

No. Do you have any apps downloaded on your phone dating apps? They're garbage. They're horrible. Yeah, they're just for dudes to try to have sex with people, I think. Mm-hmm. I've never used one. I think John uses the apps.

Your brother John, John. Mm-hmm. How's his life going? Mm-hmm. He doesn't answer my calls. That's one funny thing. She loves a brother. She calls him constantly.

He lives here in Southern California. And he won't pick up if she calls. And then she'll just beg, hey, can you call him real quick? And then I call him, and then he answers. And she gets so mad. Mm-hmm. But it makes me laugh every time. I think he knows it's a bit at this point and just doesn't answer and just wait

for the next ring. No, he just went out with a girl yesterday that I set him up with. He sure did. Yeah. Look at me. They'll play in Mr. Cupid. Mm-hmm.

Matchmaker. You're the youngest of three. Mm-hmm. Right? You have two older brothers. And you've had a weird physical attraction to both of your brothers almost your entire life.

That's true. It's very true. They're my first loves. You love your brothers. I do love my brothers. And they don't really share the same love back. No. But that's why my relationships have all failed, I think.

You think it's your brother's fault. Yeah. Which brother do you love more? I don't know. It's a different kind of love for each. One of them got, you know, got the old wanky-wank in Mexico that we all talk about. Yeah, John John. And then the other one, older one, you know, he's married with children.

Right. Although the one that got the old Yankee during the pandemic came to Tahoe with us, with his wife, and then left single. Mm-hmm. We watched that unfold in real time. We sure did. Who could have seen that coming? Everybody. Yeah.

But you called it very early on. Well, I know, but that's not nice. Yeah. You're not supposed to just go up to a couple and go, oh, these people shouldn't be together. Sure. But that's what I did. Now, your dad and your mother, they separated when you were how old? Like 22.

Did that have an effect on you? Not relationship-wise. And then your dad end up marrying your sister. Mm-hmm. No, but your dad's new wife, you call her mommy? Mm-mm. No. Your dad's new way, you guys have some similarities, no?

Uh-huh. No, we look alike. Yeah. We all look alike in my family. Sell yourself a little bit and explain to all the men watching why you're such a catch. Oh, really? You don't have to. Okay.

Is there any history of mental illness in your family? Probably, yes. Any updates on your eye thing? It hasn't happened. And how long? Since my last relationship. That was like March or April. Your last relationship.

Yeah. The one that got away. Mm-hmm. Have you ever looked back at it on your relationships and said, you know what? I probably should have made that one work. No. Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? No.

Yeah, you did. No. You were on and off again with some fucker, weren't you? Ew. I thought the one before the seven-year one. No. That wasn't on again off again? No, we got engaged and then called it off.

Is there anything from your past that haunts you? Mm. I don't think so. No. You said that you'd never dated a guy that had kids. Your last boyfriend had kids. Yeah. But the guy before that in Austin had kids.

Oh, but I don't consider. I mean, I guess we did date. But I, like, I wiped him from my mind. I don't care what you did. I don't consider him. That guy showed up and introduced himself to me recently. That was funny. That was so weird.

It was like three months long, that thing. It seemed longer. You were on tour with me, and you went out to a bar in Austin, Texas. and you met a dude that had a nice wife and two kids. And yeah, that didn't work out. No. Shocking. Are you looking for some rich dude to just take care of you?

No. A little bit of a hesitation there. I noticed some hesitation. Well, I'd like him to be successful. Successful? And take care of me, meaning like, emotionally and all those things. So it was kind of a... Sure, I get it.

Listen, and by successful, do you mean, like, actually, like, in a dollar amount, Is there a line that you're like, well, successful to me means you have to make this amount? Or is it just passionate about what you do? Passionate about what you do and be able to, you know, have a good life. Okay. Sounds like chiching all over the place. Are you romantic? Am I romantic?

Yes, I think I'm romantic. Do you believe in soulmates? I did for a long time. And I don't know if I do now. Who's your ideal man? I don't know. I don't know who he is yet. What are you willing to settle for?

You've seen what I've willing to settle for. She's dated all over the place, guys. Uh-huh. You know that campaign? What's it for Progressive? Oh, my God. The don't turn into your parents? Uh-huh.

You know, she did that one dude that's the funniest dude on those commercials. Yep, that's funny. Chris. He's kind of like a doofy-looking dude. Uh-huh. She went out with him once in L.A. And then he was like, the very first night they went out, he introduced her to his mom. No.

Yes, he did. Was it? His mom was like with him. I think that was the last one. Which was the last? It was the last one who did that. Oh. Well, whatever.

Okay. Chris, he didn't introduce you to his mom. Chris talked about his ex the entire time on the first date. Okay. Well, he wasn't a good pick. Mm-mm. But funny. Who was the guy that always wanted to pee in your butt that you dated?

I was wondering if you were going to bring him up. That was also three months. Tom This guy This guy tells her that he Hey he said You know In a moment where you're talking

To your girlfriend of three months Was this at the end of the three months At the beginning It was the end That's why I was like Ah Okay Because he said he wanted to pee in her butt

That always stuck That always stuck out to me as a red flag Because you You will You'll fly through some red flags I sure will Like if a guy says Hey

Let's bring some more dudes Into this relationship You're like Full steam ahead. I'm open-minded in the beginning because you're getting to know somebody. No, you're, you're, you put on the blinders like a horse. Right. And you just start galloping.

Right. And you'll just go right off the canyon. Mm-hmm. Because I, I'm the only one in her, in her friend group or, you know, that'll just say, what, you're out of your mind. Yes. This is a huge red flag. Don't knock it off.

But then you yell at me and then you just do whatever you want anyway. Yeah, but I really appreciate you doing it. Mm-hmm. But that's why you've turned over the reins. continuing to use horse puns to find you love. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because I will make the right decision.

I think I know the right guy. I just, we just haven't met him yet. How into horses are you at this stage of your life? Because a lot of the guys that are calling in are clearly turned off by that or worried about it. Mm-hmm. Is horses really a part of your life? Mm-hmm. And it always will be, yeah.

But you don't care if a guy likes horses or not. No. I don't care. all. I think we got that wrong on the callers because everybody's like, you have to love horses. So they don't have to like horses all. They don't have to be interested in it. You don't even have to own a horse. No. No. No. No. You'll just be like, I'm going to go work at a farm. Or go exercise horses. You exercise horses. Yeah. I did two yesterday. Is that just what rich people in Malibu do? They like hire you to come just ride their horses? What a fucking weird world this is.

It is a very weird world. But I love it. But I mean, the other side of it is Florida. There's guy's asking to pee in your butt. Right. Take your poison. When you go on a first date, do you expect the man to pay? Yeah. And what will you do in return for that? I don't know.

It depends on the night goes. Are you a no kissing on a first date kind of guy? Girl. No. Well, a guy, I didn't mean a guy in a gender way. Oh. You guys, get over here. No, yeah, yeah.

You guys want to get a jerky? No. No, I've kissed on the first date. Have you done more on a first date? I don't think so. No? I don't think so. Okay, if people want to call in and leave your Dietz, it's 424-645-7-185.

I'm going to repeat that, but this time I'm going to do it backwards. 5-8-1-7-5-46-4-24. Wow. No, we'll get some good calls on this. Now the calls are going to fly in. We're going to keep your phone number up the whole time here. We might need to come up with another system, though. Maybe like an email where then they can also put their thoughts down on paper

because some of these guys are just so horrible leaving a voice message. Yeah, they ramble. There's no eligible ones. All the ones that are calling in are just like chatting to you guys. People have realized at this point that it's just a bit. Right. They're not taking it seriously. That's why we're doing this interview so that people can actually see that there's a real person's feelings on the line.

Uh-huh. I think one guy called to talk about Hutch, didn't he? Like, he called to talk about a caller. Just crazy. You know, things have gone off the rails. Again, I've acknowledged that this has failed spectacularly. What I really want is to make this a TV show. See, I have to keep you single long enough that the producers, the bigwigs in Hollywood, come calling.

And then we make this a real reality show. Yeah. Let's do it. See? She's up for it. But you're not somebody that's looking to become a, personality. No, no.

You don't have an Instagram, do you? No. You don't do any of that stuff. See, she's normal. Or not normal. That's probably, in LA, that's probably... She's a unicorn. Mm-hmm.

Well, let's not say unicorns. Thank you. I knew she was going to get excited. What's your ideal date night? I don't know. Something fun. Something active. I like being active rather than, like, dinner.

Right, because you don't like to eat. Right. I saw your chin quick. ever there. You're not a big food person. No. We always try to give her, you know, we include her in all our meals. She's good for one meal a day.

That's about it. Yeah. After that, it's just, and your mother's a bad eater and your grandmother was a bad eater. Right. Mima eat grits until she died. Mimaw, who she's talking about, who, you know, we all loved. I only got to know her for a few years at the end, but we had a good time, is Greg's mother, my father-in-law.

My father-in-law is her uncle. Did you like Greg growing up? I loved him growing up. You did? He was fun. He was just like really fun. My dad is pretty serious. Your dad is a doctor?

Yes. But he's not only a doctor. He basically runs the hospitals in Tampa. He's like, what's his name? From the pit. Yeah. I told him to watch the pit and he said he turned it off because it wasn't realistic. But I think the medical community, there's like articles on the

medical community saying it was realistic, so I don't know. What were some of the callers that you've liked that have called into the show? I mean, they've all been funny. Hutch is funny. Colby, like the cheese is funny. Now, some people might not know we're not going to go in. She has gone out with some people that have called in, but none of them panned out. They were all friend zone type people.

Yep. But you kind of try. This is Carly, my wife's grape, with you. maybe not to your face is that you'll say things after a first date like the friend's own thing but you'll say, you know, I'm not going to marry this person. I said that just...

Yesterday? But her gripe on that is that she's like, I don't think I've ever gone out with somebody and after the first date was like, I'm going to marry that person. I meant it more like I don't see us going on.

on I could go out with them again a few times for fun, but that would be it. Yeah, but what if every time it, oh, it notched up a little bit? I just didn't, I don't feel it. Yeah, well, you have to let him do the alphabet with his tongue. Mm-hmm. Um, I don't know, isn't that what they do? Yeah, no, yeah.

That's the move, right? Yep. There are a few things we didn't cover that a lot of potential suitors are curious about. Okay, here we go. Are you ticklish? Yes. What's your favorite rom-com? I don't know if I have one.

Do you have a favorite position? Okay, that seems inappropriate for me to ask, so I will plug my ears, but I want our listeners to hear. Because I don't think I should hear that kind of stuff. I can't say. I can't say. Why did you and Pierre never make love? I don't know. Pierre says your family, and he doesn't, he has a hard line about family.

It feels way too close to home. Mm-hmm. Hypothetically, if Pete's wife were dead, Sam, she's dead, would you take a run at Pete? Too close to home. What? Too close to home. Not close to home at all. He lives in North Hollywood.

Yeah. What about Dylan? I don't know, Dylan. Yeah, that's the right answer. If Sam were dead, would you try to date Dylan? Here's some questions that were written from our Patreon members. In your search for love, have you considered that you will be happier, single, childless, and alone? I have thought about that a lot.

And I think I would be okay with it. I'd be like me, ma. I'm saying, but what if you were happier? Would that? Oh, I don't know. Are you open to dating women? I've thought about that, too. I wish, I wish I was a lesbian sometimes.

Because I can't find the right dude. I wish you were a lesbian, too. That would be awesome, especially if you're in my guest house. Start repositioning a few cameras. What is the wildest dating advice, Daniel, has ever given you? I don't think I'm given any. No, but you did say that you used to take your dates on walks, and then it was just a long walk.

You couldn't be like, bye. And so that's kind of, I thought about it literally. yesterday because I was like, I don't want to go and sit at dinner with somebody I'd just met. I'd rather do something. I liked dating, but when I look back on it, man, did I really, nobody was wowed by. Your walks? Well, yeah, I was like, oh, I got a dog and I know like a cool beach. Let's just go for a walk and talk.

Yeah, I would have appreciated it. Yeah. Oh, I see what you're doing. I'm taken. We'll be right back. what you're looking for is it seems so simple. Just need a 40-year-old good-looking dude that's single. And likes hanging out with family.

He's got his shit together. Right. People get mad at the tall thing. No, no, short people get mad at the tall thing. Yeah, yeah. It's all short people, I guess. Right. Nobody tall gets mad that you're interested in a tall guy.

Right. It's not like, like my wife. If she said, I only want to date a tall person, it's like, bitch, you're five two. Right. Right. You were 5-8. Right. You didn't even know that until I met you.

Nope. Thought us 5-6. She thought she... I'm like, you're way taller in that. We measured her. She's like, over 5-8. And she's like, oh. It says 5-6 on my license still.

Right. So you got it. And then you put on heels. Next thing you know, you're 5-10, 5-11. Mm-hmm. You want to have a 6-foot man. Right. That's fine.

That's not even your preference. That's just more my preference. And I want you guys to look good in photos together. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I appreciate it. Dylan, how tall are you? I'm six foot.

Oh, look at that. You don't look it because your clothes are so tiny. Do I look bigger? I don't know. I think your clothes make you look, I guess it always has like a schoolboy quality. Like, oh, look at this. I grew out of my shirt.

But my mom's on a fixed income. What's the youngest man you would date? Like 35, maybe. Whoa. I thought you would have gone a little. little younger than that. Mm-mm. What's the oldest you would date?

37? Yeah. Such a small window. No. The last one was 55. I know, but he looked so much older. Mm-hmm. And I was okay with that age.

Yeah, but you tried to sell us all that he was, like, he was a young 55. I'm like, no, he's not. I almost just said that again. Because he wasn't. Yeah. He wasn't a young 55? Yeah, no, he really wasn't. Okay.

So you're saying you would probably go up to 50? I think that's too old. Only because of the family aspect. Let's push it back. 35 to 45. There's a safe range. 35 to 45. Got your shit together.

And you're beautiful. Mm-hmm. You want beautiful? I don't like pretty men. I like good-looking men. Masculine men. Oh. That's why I like tall.

You like feel, girls feel safe with tall men. Uh-huh. How does that make you feel short, fucks? Describe your dream. Dream wedding. Small, intimate, just family. What did you do with the dress you bought when you were engaged and started an episode of say yes to the dress? We put a deposit on it and then we lost the deposit.

What did it say yes to the dress? It was a show about dress shopping. It's at Kleinfeld's in New York. Uh-huh. And you just try on dresses and then you pick your dress. And who are you engaged to? Robbie. That was the guy that wanted to pee in your butt?

No, no. The guy that wouldn't say I love you? No, no. Robbie was before all of those. Okay. But we dated for a year and a half. I was a baby. I was 23.

That's not really what a baby is, but okay. And he moved to Jacksonville. That's why I ended up in Jacksonville. I followed Love again. Oh. And that's the red flag. If love leads you to Jacksonville, that's it. That's the flag.

Right. Just pump the brakes right there. Right. But we were planning to move in together. and his parents, I think, pressured him. Do you typically end the relationships? Well, that's good. At least you have the wherewithal to do that.

Although the last one, I think the guy was dropping him like 400 hints and you're like, well, let's just go to therapy. Yep. Oh. What's the longest stretch you've been single? I think this one, probably. Really? It's been six months.

I know. But right before Joe, I was... That's a big tell then. I know. Right before Joe, I was single for six months. But I would go from relationship to relationship to relationship. Okay. I always say you should be single for two years, but that's too long.

All right. We'll get you in a relationship in 2026. Maybe right before I moved here. That might have been the longest, but that was also the guy at the P&Bug guy. Do you have any big Valentine's plans? No. Would you go out with a guy on a first date on Valentine's Day? Yes.

Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, it'd be hysterical. Guys are so bad at dating. Like, the things, like, even your brother or the day, I was just like, what are you doing? Just like go to her house right now. and just like bring a toothbrush and say I'm here. Let's start this. Because relationships are always fun in the beginning.

Yeah. So why not just go full bore on the beginning part? And then the second you see the flags, eject. Just eject quick. Right. So sometimes you eject at the two-day mark. Sometimes you eject at the two-month mark. Mm-hmm.

But might as well enjoy the first part. And I don't believe about the giving the milk away. Is that what they say? What is it? Give the milk away when you can have the cow. What is it? You want to have the milk. And then when you finish the milk, if you don't want to slit the cow's throat.

Yes, why buy the cow? When you can get the milk for free, that's what it is. I'm just saying. Don't commit. I was doing my own. Yeah, sorry. I just remembered it. Everybody that's on the show gets a gift.

Here. Here's the gift that I got you. I think you're going to love it. It's free rent. Oh, that's so nice. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Enjoy that while at last.

Jeez. Now, yes, you get to live in the guest house, but occasionally we have to kick you out and you have to move into the airstream when Carly's parents get here. Mm-hmm. Because they're too old and clumsy to be in the airstream. Yeah. The air stream's so cute, though. Mm-hmm. That was actually, originally, you were having to be.

I think that was one of your jobs was to do the whole airstream with Scott. Yeah, I found the airstream. You found the airstream. You made me overpay a ton for this beat-up old shell. Yeah. But you were, like, going to handle the whole project. I mean, I don't know.

I guess you did. But, like, you got me, like, a quote of what it was going to cost in how long, and then it took two and a half years. Sure. Sounds about right. I don't know how long it took. It took forever. Did you and Scott have chemistry?

I love Scott, but no. As a friend, he was trying to push him. Well, sure, because he was going through a divorce and he was in my driveway every day. I was like, hey, why don't you go out there and scratch that itch? Yep. You guys would force me out at like 10 o'clock to go talk to him. I mean, he worked so long every day. I don't think he could make any money off of that project.

Yeah. He just did the pig pen, though. That was quick, dish. I mean, we all bet on it. Yeah. Why did you buy a pig? And was it more your idea or my wife's? Okay.

I texted Carly a picture of a concrete pig with disco boots on randomly one day. And she said the timing is crazy because I'm at the farmer's market trying to convince Daniel to get this little mini pig. And I said, ooh, say no more. Let me go look at it. So I went. But the timing was also crazy because my dog had just died like two months prior. So I was grieving still. That was biscuit?

Olive. Look, my ring, Olive. Oh, yeah, sure. Your ring. Olive didn't do anything. It was a dog that you never saw, didn't participate in life. No. She lived out her like golden years here.

She used to be cute and fun. But yeah, she just like. A chihuahua. Sat in the corner and didn't come out. Yeah. Nobody knew I had a dog. No. So you replaced that dog with this little pig.

Yes. But the whole point of this pig was that we were just going to have joint custody, occasionally help out when you needed it. But then shortly after getting the pig, you move out. from the relationship that you were in of a few years, and now I'm stuck with you and a pig. And I'll be honest, I don't know which one of you makes a bigger mess. Hey, I don't make a big mess.

You just deny things. I just like, I'll walk into the guests. I was like, oh, look at this. This is, wall wasn't destroyed before. And you're like, oh, that happened before I got here. I didn't notice it. I will say, I thought it was really funny after we broke up. And I was like, all right, I've got a pig in a suitcase.

I'm back. Yeah, so she's, she's lived in a guest house of ours before. Now she's back in it, which is, it's nice. It's a big family. No, it's lovely. Am I easy to work for? Uh-uh. It's fun and crazy.

How many different roles have you had working with me? I don't know. A lot. And it wasn't easy? None of them? No. The reason I lied that one day that you brought up was because I was working for you at the time and you would rapid fire questions.

And then I did all of them except for that one. And so I was like, he'll just keep moving on and I'll just do it real quick. And then you didn't. You harped on it. Well, because I can tell you were a lying. Yeah, I know. I can't lie.

You can't lie. No. Well, that's a good quality. Yeah. Do you have any special skills? Hmm. I don't know. What did I challenge you the one time to put?

How many milk duds? I said, how many milk duds can you put in your mouth? Yeah. and still chew it down. And I think I was like, you said you could do, they're the little Halloween boxes that my kid got. And I think he had like five boxes. And I think you said you could do all of them.

Because there's like, on average, you get three milk duds per little box. Occasionally you get four. And she said she could do them on. She got them all in. And then all hell broke loose. Because she was making, she couldn't open her mouth,

she couldn't close it, she couldn't chew. She was just slucking brown, spit was coming out. It was stuck. It was like a baseball in their mouth. Well, yeah, it's all horrible, like candy. It's not chocolate, it's not caramel. It's just

some weird hybrid of tar. Usually she'll attempt anything. She's kind of like one of the jackass guys. You just, you say, okay, you want to try this? This hot sauce or something, and she'll give it a world. Yeah. We did the hot sauce in Tahoe,

the ghost pepper hot sauce. Was it bad? Yeah. Our mouths are on fire. We both? I did it too. I think you did it. I thought I was going to throw up. Yeah, that's not good. You wear one dumb hat every day of your life. I do. I love it.

Do you think that might be a, like if people don't like that hat. Like a deterrent? Mm-hmm. I don't think so. Not for the right guy. She's got this hat that says, it says MAGA. It says surfing cowboys. It's a bright red cap that says, Make America Great. And she just thinks it's the funniest thing ever.

She doesn't follow politics. Mm-mm. I'm teasing. You're kind of an artist. Mm-hmm. You started a company here in Malibu called Art Panda. Mm-hmm. Basically, you just teach children.

You just do arts and crafts with a bunch of rich kids. Yep. That's pretty fun. It is. How's it going? It's been very fun. I have one of your business cards on the floor here. Aw.

Mm-hmm. That's just because it was left here. That's so cute. Last time. Well, you can't say your own card's cute. That's pretty cute, though. But, you know, I take pride in it because, I mean, I gave you that nickname.

I know. Now it's your business. Where do you see yourself in five years, Art Panda? Hopefully married with a little family. How many children would you like? A couple. Would you have to spin them out at the same time? Twins?

Mm-hmm. No. Yeah, you would. John has twins. I know. Remember that one time I told you you have a child when Carly was having a child? Yeah. And I said, just do it.

I'll pay for it. Yeah. And then you didn't do it? Yeah. You said it was going to be a social experiment. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And what was the social experiment I was going after?

I just, I don't know. But you passed on it. But we had a real conversation. This was serious because we ended up getting like a list of sperm donors. Mm-hmm. And I was like, I got tons of it laying around the house. Sure. But you weren't interested.

But we know, I remember us going through a list and going like, okay. And we started picking. Would have you, in hindsight, imagine right now having a little three-year-old. Right, but I want a partner. I mean, out of everyone that I've met that has kids, I would say all of the moms love their kids way more than their husbands. Right. That's very scary to me.

I agree. Everybody's always complaining about the husbands. But not Carly. No, not Carly. You have to say if she is. Holy cow. Can you imagine that blow right then if I would have found that out? Do you love this sweater?

I really do. Mm-hmm. It's on the back, too. It is? Uh-huh. Is it his face or is it his back? Yeah, it's his face. He's real ugly.

Aw. No, I think it's the exact... It is. What? It's that. It's the same image. Yeah. So it doesn't make any sense.

Yeah. Really? No. They're going into you. Two cowboys kissing. What's that? It's two cowboys kissing. Brokeback Mountain.

Yeah. Would you ever date a gay man? Maybe. I don't know. Not against it. Not at first. Mm-mm. Open-minded.

What's your least favorite race again? I like them all. You like all races? Yeah. Would you date a guy that at one point was an ICE agent during the Trump administration? No. What if he had a horse? No.

What's your take on Nazis? I don't love him. You don't love him? Would you date a Nazi? No. But what if he was tall? Well, listen. I think we'll have this figured out in the next three to four months.

Mm-hmm. Max. All right. I'll see you at home. All right. Thanks, Amanda. Now that people got to sample the goods. Right.

I think the suitors will start lining up. Light up the switchboard. Carl just went to the groomer. You're looking all fancy. You going on a date for Valentine's Day? Maybe you and Potato have your own little Valentine's Day. day dinner. A little gay session. Eat some shit afterwards.

Yeah. We got to do some plugs. We got our Patreon page, which is Patreon.com slash toss show. We have my first farewell tour. Got to get those tickets. Say goodbye to me. Send me off. Send me off right. The first time. My first farewell tour.

Toshoshostore.com. Get your merch. And what else do we have? we have there are voicemails for potential suitors now these people all voicemails going forward have gotten to see panda which i think is going to change okay all right let's hear what we got hi eddie it's hutch hey i just saw where you're going to be in minneapolis this weekend period i want to wish you all the best please be safe i know a lot of people in minneapolis need something to laugh at and you may be the perfect person for them. Again, be safe and take care.

Touch. How many times you have to tell you this hotline is not for you just to call Eddie? He says hi Eddie, too. Like, I'm picking it up and check. He also said period at the end. Like he was dictating a text. Yeah, he did say that. He was calling to tell you, he doesn't care about Amanda.

He was calling to tell you good luck in Minneapolis. Because you just went to Minneapolis. Just went to Minneapolis. and I am back. You survived. I survived. Did you keep your passport tied around your neck? Yeah, I had my papers with me at all times.

Did you have a burner phone? You're supposed to use a burner phone when you're filming these pieces of shit because, case they take it from you that now you have your real phone still to make an emergency call. Didn't do that. I just can't imagine the conversation where a daughter goes, hey, daddy, why do you have to wear a mask to work? And he's like, well, honey, what I do if people, see who I am, it could potentially jeopardize your life. I mean, this country, this is what we signed up for,

right? Yep. Some people. You know, Obama got rid of way more immigrants than under this current administration. I'm like, oh, so Obama won. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like Trump spent 700 times what Obama did on immigration and Obama still got rid of more people. Holy cow, what a loss for Donald. How's he stomach that loss? We had fun talking about ice on stage at an Indian Reservation Casino. Because that's just the pinnacle of irony where you're on stage at an Indian Reservation Casino talking to elders, the indigenous Americans, indigenous people.

and telling them about the trials of getting rid of people that don't belong in the country that we stole fair and square. I don't even know where I am in this point anymore, but yeah. It was fun. I think they appreciated my take. All right. I mean, I could do this all night. But let's get back to the main issue is trying to find Panda Love.

Now we'll do that next week. See you. Thank you.