Tosh Show - My Botox Hookup - Heather Alfano

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Daniel is visited in the studio by long-time friend, former ICU nurse, and neighbor Heather Alfano. Join our Patreon for exclusive content: http://patreon.com/toshshow

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at 80. Let's just make it 80. Fine. Every year you go take a physical and written test. And if you don't pass it, you don't come home. Tosh Show for show. Welcome to another episode of Tosh Show. I'm Daniel Tosh. Eddie Goslin's here. We just got back from tour. Was your family excited to see you? They were. Nobody got up when I got home initially. But what about you? Everyone was excited. You know, my kids are at an where it's like anytime I go to the bathroom they both like just cry and I'm like no no I'm gonna come back it's funny that's the longest I've ever been away from my wife or my children in their life and in my relationship with my wife like I've since we were

yeah since we started dating this it's a big break that was I mean it was nice it really did it reach hard nothing makes your heart grow stronger or fonder under Well, how's it go? Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, I mean, truer words have never been penned. My kids were just so excited. And it's got its downfalls now because I have to do every activity.

Like, who's going to take you to go potty? I want daddy. Who do you want to put you down for a nap or to bed? You know, they're both fighting over me. And now, so I've got to do all. I got to do all the things. And she acts like, oh, good, give me a break. But I know that it also hurts her heart a little bit to see how much.

How adored you are. Yeah. And they understand that I went out basically to fill the meat locker. Yeah. I mean, now you're back. You guys have all settled back into a routine. Okay. So I'm on tour.

And as soon as I get home, you think, oh, you're just going to slip back into your old routine. Well, the problem is. right now my kids are on spring break oh so it's just a nightmare yeah so it's just every day it's like what's the activity whose house are we going for a play date who's coming over for play date just unbelievable and by the way spring break isn't one week no it's two weeks yeah that's wild yeah for the preschool it's two and a half yet you pay monthly for the school as if it's always in session Like a big tip. Nice.

Nonsense. I don't fight the system. I just, I'm just thankful that I'm fortunate enough that I can live in it. Mm-hmm. You guys have Mommy's helpers? We do not. Mommy's helpers, it's not a nanny. It's not a babysitter.

It's basically like a tween. You get like a tween kid that's responsible. They come over and they play with your kid. And that way, you know, you can get some work done but if somebody, you know, breaks an arm, you're still there to be like, all right, let's, let's load up in the car. And I got the perfect mommy's helper. She started her own little business, my AV guy's daughter. She's like, this is what I do.

And she's great at it. And we trust her. So I actually need to talk to her, dad. Speaking of the devil, that's who's calling. Well, not her, but, hey. Quick question. Up in Tahoe, should I use the exact same security cameras that I use here and Malibu so that I can just have it all linked to the same system? Yes, but it's not the cameras.

It's the NBR. Which cameras should I buy then? Turing. Turing cameras. T-U-R-I-N-G. And if they don't sell them, I can get them. They're not expensive. They're like a couple hundred bucks, like two, three hundred bucks.

But they have some AI stuff built into them. Because you were talking about, you wanted to talk about your cameras here, maybe doing a couple changes? No, no, I don't want to change anything. I'm fine. I never want to use you. That's just, that's just work. I was work, John, just trying to tell me that I was talking about something to change. No.

And then I can sync them up to my system. Well, no. No, so hold on. You need the same NVR if you want to be able to see it on the same system. Okay. And that way, on the same app, you would just go, Tahoe. Malibu. Otherwise, if you have two apps, it's stupid. No, I know, exactly. That's why I wanted to make sure I bought the same thing.

All right. But I can have them buy touring cameras, and you're going to tell me what... Don't worry about that. We're just going to do regular cameras, because the touring cameras, you need the touring NVR, but you don't have a touring NVR at the house, and I'm not going to make you buy two NBRs. Okay, what cameras should I buy? Just make sure they're 4K with night vision cameras, is all you need. I'll text you all this. All right, thank you. Hey, your wife is on the show today. Oh, are you nervous about it? Man.

Me? It's impossible to embarrass me. I'm nervous about nothing, but I'm excited for her. She's probably all nervous. She's going to tell me she's going to sweat when she listens to it the first time. All right. All right. All right.

Send me that text. All right, we'll do. Thank you. All right, boy. I love that he. During cameras, they're the best AI. They've got this cool a function of it. You don't need that shit.

Just get anything on 4K, whatever. Overrated pieces of garbage, I say. This is my life, is that I'm always just like, hey, didn't you say you wanted to change out all your camera? I didn't say that. He can get me to waste some real money. Ah, yeah, quickly, huh? Those are cheap. Those are just two or three hundred apiece.

Get a couple dozen of those. Well, listen, I'm happy he's in my life. I'm more excited to talk to his better half. Mm-hmm. Enjoy. My guest today is someone who God does not want living next door to me. I know because when she did, the good Lord torched both of our homes with an apocalyptic wildfire. She has saved more lives in the hospital than she has lost, I think.

She's a very good friend of mine. Please welcome ICU nurse turn Botox Queen. Heather. Hi. Did you ever think you'd be sitting in this chair? No. I mean, when you took my husband down. on here. I didn't think it would be my

turn. Hook them down. Total takedown. How dare you? Her husband, she married the what you might call it, the chess player. Oh, yeah. No, no. No, no, not the tournament. My A.V. guy, John,

how big is your TV at home? Oh, I better get this right. I think it's 85 inches. I don't care. But we only have one TV. I don't give a shit either. These aren't my questions. Let's go. Do you believe in ghost?

No. How about miracles? I mean, I believe in the feeling of a miracle, but I don't know. You've never witnessed a miracle? I mean, I had three babies. Those aren't miracles. Certainly one of them's not. One of them is a straight-up catastrophe.

Which one? I'm not going to do that to your family. You're from L.A. and became a nurse. That's how I knew, guys. That's how I knew that we would get along the moment I met her because she's a normal. When you're in comedy, you end up just hanging out with just comics. And if you do that too much, then you become one of those people, those comics that have a podcast and talk to comics all day. I met you, let's say, 25 years ago, ish.

I think that's about right. Holy cow. Yeah, I've known you half my life. The better half, I'd say. I mean, physically I probably would have preferred the first 25, but that's not important. Here's how we met. I was working at the Kamey Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California. Hermosa Beach.

Oh, what a fun place. It was fun. South Bay. It's just like a whole community. It's like Orange County Light. And you lived, you were born and raised in that neck of the woods. Yeah. Ish.

South Bay adjacent. Uh-huh. So you came up. to me after a show like most girls did back in the day and said, hey, what's your deal? I was not hitting on you. I know you weren't, but, you know, I was hoping that you were, but you weren't. So it was one of my first sets there, and I owned, I'd get like 50 bucks. I'd perform for 10 minutes, and you came and said hi to me after a show, and you and a group of

friends, and then we just started hanging out. It was like, this is my local group of friends. Yeah. It never was as fun as I wanted it to be. Like you guys would be, you know, like, oh, like it's a Saturday, we're going to meet it. What's McCall to play volleyball. Right, or some random bar. I don't know.

Yeah. You had a core friend group. You had May, the Asian. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Solmoss, the girl that would eat whole onions for no reason. What?

Then you hung out that. There's one, like, little, your boyfriend at the time was John. Yes. But then you also hung out this other dude that just used to love to, like, show everybody that he had a black credit card. What was his name? I think you're talking about my friend, John. Was that your other friend? Yeah.

Did you still hang out with that guy? Yeah, we vacation with his family. I bet you do. I bet he pays for everything. Is he still paying for stuff? He always hosts a great time. That's so funny. I just remember this guy, like, oh, he's like, yeah, yeah, I'll pay the bill.

I was like, I was 25, so I was like, oh, great. Great. Look at this rich kid. But you're leaving out when, so I had to meet you after the show because I think that was some of your best material, if we're being honest. I loved old Daniel. I don't like any of this. Cut that out, John. After the show, I was like, John, we have to meet this guy. Like, I was dying laughing. And then you had like the first generation iPod in your pocket. Okay.

And I asked you if you were a diabetic because I thought it was an insulin pump. And you were like, no, you idiot. Just rocking out to some music. But I had never seen, like that was before we all had iPhones or iPods. Man, I had a first generation iPod. And your cargo pants. You were wearing like green cargo pants. You had this iPod.

You really remember this day. Oh, yeah. Because you've become so cool now. You've become so funny. I mean, we hung out a lot back then. Just like I didn't have it. anything to do all day long. Yeah, your job would play basketball, poker nights.

Oh, the poker nights were great. Yeah. A lot of times I would just come over to your houses, like I'd fly in or after shows, just 12 at night, just start banging on doors, waking people up. What's going on? Where are we hanging? Throwing a bag of dog poop in my face. Yeah.

Listen, we all have done some things. I don't recall throwing dog poop in your face. You did. It was in a baggie. It was in a bag. Right. That's fine. If it's in a bag. If it's sealed tightly in a bag, you're not, it's not thrown feces. What did I have to eat at your wedding?

Oh, lobster, but just you. Yeah. You said you would only come if you got to eat lobster. No, you send a thing out where you pick, like chicken or fish. No, I think it was, I don't even know. Pasta or something else stager. I just wrote, I'd like a lobster. And you got a lobster.

And then they thought it was. funny, they brought me a lobster. It was funny. It was because I told my photographer, I was like, you better capture his face when this lobster gets delivered. I mean, it was embarrassing, but then when I was eating it, I was very happy. Well, it's always a joy to surprise you. You got married at shutters. No, Casa Del Marr, next door. Oh, next door. Yeah, yeah. I remember that. Yes. You did wear jeans. I know. Just saying, you wore jeans to my wedding. That's great. I didn't know I was eating lobster. They were a little bright. They were like bright blue.

Right? Electric blue jeans. Not even like black jeans. Like blue jeans. Yeah, we need a picture of this. I don't know if it's true. I think this is like revisionist history. No.

I mean, you remember the pants I wore the day I met you and that was 25 years ago? Well, you had interesting fashion choices before you had help. Delightful. Maybe I didn't own nice pants. Did you think about that? Yeah, I didn't realize how early on in your career I met you. Yeah. I thought you were already.

You thought I was established. Like A-list. Yeah, I was A-list. Big old A-list comedian. Doing five-minute guest spots. We'll be right back. Shoot your shot on prize picks and get $50 instantly in the lineups when you play your first $5. That's right, prize picks.

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was it that he was fully juvenated or he doesn't understand the phrase glass ceiling or that he was protecting the neighborhood with a gun? Most embarrassing? For sure, juvenated. And it's like haunted me. Yeah. But if you know, John, you know that that's part of his personality. Yeah, well, sure. He likes to make up words.

Don't bother him with details. My mom was a nurse for 60 years. years, but I don't know if my mother worked in the ICU. She worked in the ER a lot, but I don't think she worked in the ICU ever. You worked in the ICU your entire career. Yeah. How many years? 18. 18 years. And you used to share with me the most horrific things, because I liked hearing about it. I know. Your husband wouldn't. No. Even in the beginning, like, when I needed to decompress and tell him, he'd be like, please, can you stop? And then you'd ask me, like, what's the grossest thing you saw this week? I just, I just was always fascinated because forget the

grossest thing that she saw every week, you know, because you just, you see, you see people at their most vulnerable. And that's, that's always kind of, emotionally, I don't know how you go through it. It's just, it's just a weird thing to be drawn to. Most people don't stay in the ICU as long as you did. You just said, no, it's just where I want to be. I want to be where all the horrible coin flip action is. I initially was drawn to it because you can really focus on your patient. So when I was in nursing school and I did the rotations elsewhere, I felt like I was just throwing pills at people and I didn't get to know their story. And in the ICU, I felt like I actually could dig in in that 12 hours and sort of move the needle or, you know, make an impact on

their life in one direction. Twelve hours is such a long shift. It is a long time. The smells that you encountered at work is just off the charts. You can't find them anywhere else. No. Like some C. diff poop, there's nothing like it. Oh, the smells of a woman. Is that just awful in there? It can be. I mean, but they're not the most memorable. I would say it's more fungating wounds, you know, those are the worst smelling things. Like if you have an open wound that's like... What about one of those viruses where it's like just slowly eating your whole body? And they have to like shut the hospital down because it's like... No, they don't shut the hospital down. But I mean, those patients are difficult. They keep taking them back to surgery and debriefing the bad tissue until they get to a healthy point. Is that mean just cutting off? Yeah. But I mean, yeah, this is necrotizing fasciitis. So, you know, it's like a flesh eating bacteria. is kind of what you would call it. How often have you seen that in your life?

I probably saw that half a dozen times. Uh-huh. One time it was a woman who, I think she was a teacher, and she, like, used, like, dirty nail clippers, and it all stemmed from, like, her just trimming the skin on her finger. Guys, did you, have you ever cleaned your nail clippers? Never. Never my life.

Right. I don't know where they had been, but that was kind of the story that we got, like, how this started with her. So anytime I go to get a pedickechie, here I think of her. Okay. I'm like, oh. Okay, so you're saying it could have been from a professional place. I'm not sure. Yeah, I'm not sure. But yeah, you should definitely clean your stuff. Well, I only, but I'm only clipping my own nails. Well, sure, but you know, you might take it with you on vacation or, you know, who knows. Top of your head. What's your record as an ICU nurse? Live to don't live. Oh, well, that's not fair.

It's, I mean, everyone there is on the verge of dying or they, you know, shouldn't probably be there. We'd transfer them out. Would you see a death a shift? No, not every single shift. But I would say, I would, and definitely not like my patient personally, but probably on our unit, almost every shift somebody would pass, yes. But even like, I went into nursing with the idea that I was going to do pediatrics. And then when I started in that rotation, I realized, oh, I can't do this. Like with adults and older people, it makes more sense to me, you know? And I was better at telling people, hey, I need you to let me do this to you or you're going to die. I don't know how you reason with a child or a baby.

Like, I don't think I could do that. You were in the room for what my son was born. I know, I told him that at his birthday the other day. It blew his mind. He didn't know that. No, he was in the bounce house. And I was like, hey. We didn't want him to know that.

I was like, hey, I was one of the first people to meet you. And he literally stopped jumping in the bounce house and looked at me. And he was like, you were? I was like, yeah. Did you tell him that his head was this long because he was stuck for 12 hours? His head looked like that too. It's normal. Yeah, that wasn't normal.

That was alarming. It goes down his head's. It did go down. No, his head's not beautiful, but it did go down. It did, I mean, it got that. It's round. It's not a football anymore. And I also watched Dr. Finky take his glove and quickly pick up a piece of my wife's poop and then just put in the trash can like nothing happened.

We're a good doctor. That's so nice. He just went. Yep. And then I was like, I just saw you. I feel like you did call it out. You just picked up her poop. Oh, it's so disgusting. Do I see you nurses earn more than nurses in other departments?

No, but they should. Yeah, a lot of times people cherry pick. when all the pay is the same, what's going to be the easiest, most enjoyable day? Yeah, no, we actually talked about that as a group a lot. Like, we have a group text that it used to be called... You couldn't unionize and like...

Well, there is a union. Well, I know, but like just of ICU nurses? Oh, I don't know. No. All right. But you guys used to say this is BS? Well, it is because like when the other floors need help or they can't get an IV or, you know, it's like we're the team that shows up to help those other

floors. So obviously there's a different level of skill that is needed in critical care. I remember this guy that had done horrible things. I don't remember the details. You probably will. But he'd done horrible things and he was just a disgusting human. And you needed to save his life. And there was nothing on him for any identification. But somehow you got like his phone unlocked. and the only thing that he had that was recognizable was Twitter and that the only person that he followed was me. That's amazing. Do you remember this story?

I do remember. I mean, I cannot for the life of me remember exactly what his story was, but I remember telling you this. It was like, because I was like, what in the world? He's the most disgusting human in the world, and the only person that he followed on social was you. Yeah, I found it very entertaining. And also I was like, am I getting punked right now?

Oh. I probably had to de-louse him or something. Have you ever had a patient that was also handcuffed to the bed? Yeah. For doing what? I don't know being a criminal. If they come in and the police or they sometimes would show up like that. Yeah, that's kind of fun.

Scary? Yeah, it is. I mean, but, you know, I got desensitized to being scared because I got spit on. You got spit on? Oh, multiple times. What did you do to deserve that? I mean, everyone gets spit on. I, but I don't know what I probably I was trying to.

You said something racial? No, I probably was just trying to clean them or something. You know, who knows? But the way we handle that is you just put a mask on them. And if they're restrained, then they just are spitting into a mask instead of into your face. That's good. That's good. But anything more inappropriate come flying your way from a human body?

Yeah. I mean, you know, I've been hit by a confused person. I've had who being thrown towards me. It's basically working at a zoo. Right. You ever kissed? You ever been kissed? Oh, I've had patients try, yes.

Have you ever given them like a soft kiss when they were? No. I'm saying when they're completely sedated or under, you've never, you've never, have you ever. Nobody would know. Right. Are you allowed to? No, I don't know, no. You don't know, no.

You don't know if you're allowed to? No, you're not. That was a trick question. You're not allowed to kiss patients. No, and I have done to a sedated patient and I got caught doing this by my nurse friends. So, like, sometimes we would get homeless patients and, you know, they'd be in. I knew you were going to say that. And they would be sedated or on the ventilator.

And we would take that as an opportunity to like really comb through their hair or, you know. And there was one time this guy had this horrible clogged pore on his nose. I mean, it was huge. And I was like, I have to get this out for him. Like it was just obscene. So I closed the curtain and I was like popping this clogged poor on his nose. And my friend walked in and he was like, oh, you're sick in the head. That is the most disgusting.

That is so disgusting. I couldn't leave it. I was like, oh, this person needs help. Oh, that is so gross. Very nice you did that. I thought it was a kind gesture. It is a kind gesture and it is so. It gives me the willies for sure.

Think about it and to know that you did that. Then you came home and you put your hands on your husband. Probably why he never wanted to hear about my dick. Do you feel like you're desensitized to death? Sort of. There was a couple of moments. in my career where I felt like I was getting a little burnt out. At one moment when I felt that way, I went and got my yoga certification and I thought I was going to teach yoga classes to balance myself

out. Then the next time I felt that way, I went and got certified to be a doula. So then I was like, oh, I'll help people bring babies into the world. And like, I thought that would maybe balance me out. I think I just have a healthy relationship with the idea of death now. You're not afraid of death, are you? No. But your parent, and like all I do is spend all day fantasize. And that fantasizing is not the right word, but I'll get fixated on horrible worst-case scenarios. Yes, I do the same. You still do that? Oh, no, I'm the worst.

Okay. I see everything. But do you think it would wreck you or do you think you'd be able to like, well, that just happens? Oh, like, if something happened to my kid? Yeah. Oh, no, it would be awful. Like, I always think if, like, if I lost a kid, I might just like, give the other one

a kiss and then just go walk off a cliff. I don't know how I would do. Is that a bad way to respond? Yes. I know, but I just think, I don't know that I would have it in me. I don't know that I could handle it either. But I do feel like I picture things. Like, I see things before they're going to happen.

And so I think it annoys my kids sometimes. But I can see what's ahead. Like when they're doing something, I'm like, okay, you're going to lose a finger. Like, let's stop that right now. Sure. Okay. But I'm just saying you're not, it didn't desensitize you to the point where you're like, oh, you know, sometimes things happen. No.

And when I've been in the hospital with family members or, like, helping my mom with my grandparents through that time of life, like, I'm still very much emotionally affected like everybody else. But I think it's helped me, if anything, to see things clearly. Old people death does not bother me. No, like, you want to give them a peaceful death. You made it. You made it. Yeah. We were actually talking about this. We watched the pit last night with my 13 year old. And last night's episode, it was end of life on an elderly guy. Yeah. So the two kids are there and he was, you know, I could see he was like kind of feeling emotional for them. And I was like, no, no, no, this is, this is a gift that they're giving their dad to allow him to die naturally. Like this stuff. What I've seen. I get it. But you know, you know,

what I'm sorry. I think, I think, I think your son's a little too young for that show. Maybe. Okay? I think you, maybe we should knock that off. I don't know. We'll say. But I'm all for right to die. Like, this is absurd. What we label as being good, like, some of these medical advancements are amazing. But, like, is it really a win if someone lives like a year and a half longer, like in a bed? Like, I don't think so. No, I think there should be a, how about this, at 80, let's just make it 80. Fine. people are doing good things at 80 every year

you go take a physical and written test and if you don't pass it you don't come home I mean but there's people who are fine until they're 95 right because they're going to pass the test right but what do you mean you don't go home what happens to them

no you just it's done it's done you're done I mean there's no plug to pool no no it's done at that point just knock them I'm just saying, I think it could be, and it's not like, oh, you have to be so smart. No, it's just simple things. Like, if your mind is still intact, your body is still physically, good.

You're enjoying life. Great. Continue on. Okay. You're not enjoying life. You're a drain on your family and everybody else, and it's sucking the life out of everyone around you. Let's, let's wrap it up.

So then you have to put the family members in on the test, too. I don't have all the things worked out. Have you ever told somebody? that was under or on a ventilator or sedated, have you ever, like, confessed things to them? No. You ever whisper something into their ear, like right before? No.

Like, right before they pass? I mean, I always would tell family members that, you know, we always assume that the patient can hear you, even if they're not responsive. So, like, I would encourage their family to talk to that or to play music or something like that. But, no, I didn't leave secret messages in their ear. Yeah, that's pretty.

That's a lot. That's a lot to come home. And you just got to come home and you've got to listen to your kids. kids yell at you. Yeah. How many children have you and John made? Three.

You made three children. How many of them on purpose? 100% on purpose, like planned, two. Two, two. And then one. How mad was your husband when you were pregnant the third time? He wasn't mad. He wasn't mad at all.

But then at that moment we were like, okay, we're going to be done. And so we had talked about him getting a vasectomy, and then he became really attached to us having the third. And so then he wouldn't get the vasectomy until after she was born. Yeah, I didn't get a vasectomy until after my second was born. But I don't know why I waited because it wasn't. Well, now in hindsight, you're like, oh, it's fine. But I guess, you know, he was like, well, I'm just going to wait. I'm like, so what, you're going to get a vasectomy when I have a newborn?

Does he have one now? Yeah. Okay. That's nice. That is nice. Three children. And all of them so uniquely different. Isn't that weird? You're two same people. Yet all three of your kids, very different people.

Yes. I think they kind of just come out who they are. Oh, so you don't really think you need to parent? No, I think you do. I'm just trying not to mess them up. Too late. I got mad when you had to your third one because I was like, what's going on? Because I was, I was single. Oh, you were so annoyed. Like, can't you go surfing? I'm like, it's nap time, fool. Like, no, he can't go surfing.

But now you're in it. Now you have a nap time. Yeah, well, no, no, it's different. Listen, so these were my, you know, once just my friends down in South Bay, then I moved to Malibu, and I forced them to, I'm like, you guys got to move to Malibu. House is opening up next door. Boom. We're all living together. It was one magical day I snowballed to you guys. I was just like, check this out. I was just showing them everything.

And then boom, they're hooked. Now their whole lives up here. I remember one time when your youngest was born and my wife, girlfriend at the time, was holding. your baby and you uh i believe it was it was your father-in-law was standing next to her and they're just looking at the baby and i walked in there and i just took my wife my girlfriend's pants down i i panced her uh because she was holding a a newborn she couldn't let go with the baby and she didn't have underwear on so now she's just naked from the waist down holding a newborn with next to your father-in-law and he was so uncomfortable with the situation he wouldn't he refused

to, like, look down. He was just like, okay. But he didn't think it happened. But she couldn't do anything. She had to leave her pants down. What if she would have dropped my baby? Well, then you would have known that she's a witch. Yeah.

You've seen many randoms that I had dated over the years. Are you happy with who we settled down with over here? For sure. Oh, man. I feel like I had a few that were pretty nice. You did good with Carly. Hold on to her. Let's talk about this for a second.

Real quick. Now, you're married to John. Yes. Now, when we first started meeting, you were just dating. But you weren't, you guys, you weren't high school, sweethearts. No, we met in high school. You met in high school, but he liked you, but you didn't like him or something like that. Yeah, we started dating.

I think I was like 21. Then you broke up for a while. That was fun. How long of a gap was that? I think it was a little over a year. Yeah, that was nice. That was a fun year. We hung out a lot more then.

And then... You were actually very surprised. Of course I was. I was trying to move in. I was trying to weasel in. No, you were always supportive of like, you were like, what's going on? Are you guys talking? Are you guys working this out? I mean, you're probably... Did you date in between there? I did. How many men have you said I love you too in your life? I love you? Uh-huh. Let's go. Three or four? Three or four dudes? Now, if, heaven forbid, we know it could happen. John does something stupid and he's gone. Sure. Okay. of those three or four, is there one that you're like, nah, I could give it another go with that person? I don't think so.

You say that. You say that. You say that, but you broke up with John and you got back together with him. And the reason I bring this up, okay, is because it's in her jeans. Her mother and her father, when did they get divorced? They never got divorced. When did they separate? Okay, they separated when I was in third grade.

Third grade. And then when John and I got engaged... This is now, we're talking, a good from third grade to... 25? I was probably 25. So it's at least 15 to 17 years apart. My parents came over and said, we wanted to let you know, we're going to get back together. And I was like, oh. You weren't thrilled.

I was... Annoyed? I was a little worried. I said to them, you know, I think they were expecting me to just... celebrate, you know? But at that point in my life, I was like, okay. And really my response back to them was, well, I hope you're going to go to counseling, you know, if you're going to embark on this journey again. Your dad seems like someone that would be completely open to counseling. Oh, no, he does not like that at all. Her father, just to give you context of her father,

he used to encourage me to steal ram board from Tosh.0. Yeah. Yeah. And he would, he just love the rolls of that cardboard. Oh, he still talks about that one role you gave him. To him, good cardboard is like gold. Okay, so this is who you're dealing with. Anyway, the point is they got back together and they've been together since. How long they've been together now on the second go?

I mean, as long as John and I have been married. How long have you guys been married? Fifteen years. 15 years. That's pretty great. Yeah. Now, when I met you, I met your sister at the same time. Your sister is 10 years older than you. Yes. At the time, she was a showgirl

in Vegas. No, she had tired. No, I'm sorry, an exotic dancer. No, she was not an exotic dancer. So I got the word wrong. She was a showgirl. She was actually, I think, I'm not, I think she was newly single when you met her too. Like, she had gotten divorced. Oh, man. But no, she wasn't, let's get back to her exotic days. She was, she was working in the ER, then.

Let's get back to her exotic dancing days. Can you call a showgirl an exotic dancer? Because it is exotic. The feathers and the everything. Right. Did she have feathers? I think they might have done one. number that was like old school Vegas. Does she ever post any of her like throwback photos? Oh, she does. Oh, I love it. Yeah. She used a bunch of her old dancing photos recently for a training that she did because she was showing like her life from like she grew up as a ballerina and then she did this showgirl professional dancing period and then went to, you know, into medicine. Did you ever go see her perform? Oh yeah. Did you like it? Yes, I loved it. I mean, I danced too. So not I never danced in a in Vegas, but I loved it.

You just dance amateurly? Where did you dance? Where did the other circuits? I mean, I danced mostly just as a hobby. I taught dance and then, you know. Right, but you didn't dance on stage with your boobs out. No. What casino was she at?

She was at the Riviera. Oh, the Riviera. She was in Splash. Oh, Splash. It was an amazing Vegas show. I used to eat in the belly of the beast of that casino with some of the showgirls. We'd all just be getting our free food. I thought it was neat that they were.

were down there too. Yeah. Just sad. In between shows. Sad and depressing. They're not sad. It's fun. No, the casino, the casino itself is kind of sad and depressing. No, no, no, no. They weren't. They were the highlight of everyone's day. Okay. So why are both you nurses? What were the odds of that? Your mom's not a nurse. No, my mom, before she's had my sister was a dental hygienist, but I mean, really no one else in our family is medical. So it's, I'm not sure why we were both drawn to that. I know why I was personally. But I think when you dance and you're really in tune with your body and ballet kind of makes you pay attention to your body a lot, I think you want to learn more about it. That's what I think kind of pushed her that way.

I'm not sure. Okay. By the way, she was told when her sister, who is so controlling, when I said, we're going to interview Heather, she was like, wanted to give you, like, media training. I was like, what are you talking about? Trying to prep her for this interview. Oh, this nonsense. Not going to happen. Now, your sister, I'm going to get a lot of the details wrong, but it doesn't matter.

Sure. She was a nurse and then she's a PA. PA, whatever. Okay. I don't need these details to be right. Don't always fact check. All right. Just help it.

But first, she was a showgirl. Then she was a PA. Then she just randomly, as it random, got into doing like Botox, but which is like, oh, that's a common thing in Los Angeles. Of course there's people to, but she became kind of a celebrity. Oh, you know, she's big time. She was probably one of the first people. When she was in PA school, this is kind of her story that she tells. But when she was in PA school, one of the doctors that she was like on a rotation with was like told her study group like, hey, you guys need to come over.

I want to show you this new drug. And he basically injected them just in like their, you know, frown with, and nobody really knew what Botox was at the time. Just let some guy, hey, come over and inject stuff into my. And then they all were like, what is this miracle drug that you showed us or whatever? And so she was always interested in it. And then she worked in the ER for 15 years. But she kind of always dabbled and did Botox on the side. Okay, but she became, has a presence on social media.

And she gives classes like around the globe. Oh, yeah. She's, I think she's probably one of the smartest people in the industry, in my opinion. Like, she's the safest. She trains people how to do this the right way. I'm sure that's incredibly, you know, biased. But the point is she's making Buku bucks. She's taken off.

And she's telling Heather, knock it off with your ICU job and come work for me. For years, yeah. For just years. And Heather's like, no, I have to save, you know, smelly people. Just refused. And then finally, Heather's like, okay, her sister's going to open up a Malibu location. Heather's going to run it. And now you can be the breadwinner of your family.

All's well. It ends well, right? Oh. So you're finally, do you think you'll ever step foot in the ICU again other than when John needs it? No. Well, and this is why I was hesitant to leave. I, over the years, like, I trained a lot of people that would leave the ICU and then try to come back. And it's kind of a disaster.

Everything moves so fast in that world, like the technology changes and everything. So I knew if I left, I wasn't making a U-turn to come back. And I would miss it. I thought I would miss it. Okay. So now you're going to be running this, this Botox place here in Malibu that hasn't opened yet. No. When is it going to open? City of Malibu, we're waiting on clearance from them. Good luck. Oh, they might not. You might wait months, years? No, I think we're like at the four to six week mark.

But you're already working for her. But eventually you'll just be at this. What a short commute. That'll be the first time you've had a short commute. In my life. How much more money will you be making now? I don't know. We'll see. a lot more? I don't know. I don't need a dollar.

Are you going to be making less money? I think I actually will be making more like when it works out like, you know, hourly. Like in the hospital, you're clocking. It's shift work, you know, you're paid hourly. It's not like, oh, you had a really productive day. We're going to give you a bonus. Like that doesn't happen. Well, how are you going to go from from dealing with such serious, you know, real problems to Malibu people going,

I just think, I just think if I had just this. Yeah, yeah. Also, by the way, you look beautiful today. I haven't seen you look good and I don't know how long. You don't, you don't dress up that often. Nope, I don't. I mean, it's been, it's been a long time. You're kind of just like, you're in sweats.

You seem to drop off like I'm going to go work out. Okay, but I mean, even if we go back to that, when I could just walk next door and walk into your home, which, by the way, I never knock. I do a Kramer, you know, I just say the N-word. No, I kick doors in, I barge in. Here's the why I bring up that you look nice. Okay.

Okay? Because how many units have you injected into your face? So I've only in the last two years since I've been working with my sister, like I've been doing Botox regularly. You are doing it? Because I've always been like, this is so funny because you don't do this stuff at all. I hadn't before. I mean, I was just having kids. and I was busy and, you know, my sister was always like,

come on, please, let me inject you. You look so pissed off. But so I've done Botox. I have not had any filler. What's the difference between filler and Botox? Oh, come on. This is, come on. I don't know.

I don't fucking know. It's very different. So Botox is a neurotoxin. Botox wears off? Yes. Filler doesn't? Well, no, they both will, but they totally different functions. I don't give a shit.

Botox is going to relax the muscles. So it prevents you from making these horrible faces over and over again. We strategically inject it so that you can look refreshed and relaxed and a little happier. Filler is filler. As you lose volume in your face, then we place filler in those areas to kind of give you back that. What's more expensive? It depends on how you look at it. Like if you do filler, you're not doing that again if you have the right injector for years.

You shouldn't be like kind of adding that every single year. Botox is something that you get every three to four months is what you're. would what is a session of Botox cost it depends on the face just give me an idea I mean it just depends okay but my face charge per unit your face do I have never done anything can you believe it well I showed your picture to our aesthetician yesterday uh-huh because I wanted to what do you like this where would where would we focus on me I think my eyes I mean you don't need anything that's what I always tell everyone right you know but if you wanted it uh-huh where would I start just up face probably upper face Botox.

Upper face Botox. Now, how much would that cost me? My first little session. Is this like a $300 day or a $3,000 day? No, in between. Fucking, God, everybody's so vague. Well, you have to assess the face. It's not this like blank.

You're assessing it. This is your job now. Well, I would have to count it out. You want me to do math. Okay. If I walked in with like a two by four sticking out of my stomach, you'd know what to do. You're telling me. I'd leave it. You're right.

You got to leave it. You don't pull it out. No, don't touch it. Lead out. Right. Poor what's his name. Steve Irwin should still be with us. Who in the right mind thought they should pull out the barb?

That's awful. Sorry. It always gets back to Steve Irwin. For me, it does. I just feel like you've brought him up before. I care. His death was so senseless. We'll be right back.

Pasha! Is any of this covered? Do you guys cover, is insurance cover any? No. Nothing. No, it's a luxury, not. medically necessary. Is it mostly women? What percentage of men come in to get this kind of work to? Ironically, yesterday, like more than half of my patients were men, but that's not a typical day.

It's usually mostly women. Can you get wrinkles out of balls? Scrotum's? I have not tried. And I actually said, I drew a line in the sand and I was like, I will not be doing any Botox in any buttholes or anything like that. I don't know. There's some weird trends out there right now. What about injecting into like so you don't sweat? Yeah. Do you do that? Yeah. Can you do that around the old taint? I don't know, but I refuse. I'm retired. Below the waist, I'm retired. You're not going to, oh. People are really doing buttholes? They're getting their buttholes.

What are they doing with their butholes? I mean, I don't know. I haven't seen it or done it, but I've heard about some sort of Botox down there. That's interesting. What is the most effective treatment that you offer? It depends on what outcome you're looking for. I don't know. Look younger. Isn't that all people want just to look young? Botox is kind of like your bread and butter baseline really the most helpful, you know, to help you age gracefully.

What else are you doing? Besides Botox. Lasers. So we have the Moxie and the BBL laser. We have the soft wave machine. We do microneedling. We inject. What's microneedling for? A micrneedling is kind of like a resurfacing of the skin. Oh, yeah. And you kind of look a little bit raw when you're done, but it helps with cell turnover and collagen production. Will you do any of this stuff to John? He doesn't need it. Of course. But will you do it to?

Sure. I actually, he was part of our study that we did. I was microneedling his own secretum. So basically, we harvested his hair follicles through this company called Acorn and they made this secretum. So it's like for hair rejuvenation. Yes. So I was micrnealing him as part of the study. He did six treatments of that. And did his hair growth come back any better? I think you have to keep going, like more than the study was only for the six treatments. And I think probably needs to. Everything with hair growth. Everything that works is still not as good. as you want it to be. I mean, as somebody that's done forever.

I've done PRP. Your hair looks great. Yeah, but it's only on camera does it look good. If I'm out of the shower and you're looking at the top of my head, you're like, oh, yeah, you're, you know. You can see the pattern? Oh, no, you can just see that I'm thin as, it's just not good. I'm going to, I'm going to buzz it down this summer and I'm going to do the individual transfers.

Okay. But that's going to be a commitment. Yeah. But we'll just, we'll see what I do. Do those dumb red light mask actually do anything? I don't know. If you have the time to do that, go ahead. It can't hurt, but I don't know about it really moving the needle on anything.

You cold plunge or any of that stuff? I don't cold plunge or any of that stuff? I don't like cold either. I like steam rooms. I'm hot. I like the hot. Are you going to people's homes? No.

I'm not going to be doing house calls. No house calls. No. What about like putting people to sleep with Prophavol? Do you guys do that? Nope. That's not going to be at home either. That should only be in the hospital.

But it does give you a good. night's sleep. Or you end up like Michael Jackson. Yeah, he's still sleeping. Best night's life. I mean, he's doing fine. He's like, man, this feels like forever. All right.

Everybody's on the show gets a gift. Oh, I'm so excited to give you this. This you're going to love it. Okay. Go ahead, guys. Bring that in for me. I brought you a gift, too. Hold on, wait.

Not yet. You brought me a gift. I did. I brought you. First thing I got you. This is going to be nice. Okay. Okay.

Oh, dear. This. What is that? It's so dirty. It doesn't matter. It's teak oil. Okay. And the reason I'm giving you this is because I'm giving you a nice outdoor teak table.

I had gotten something different. I replaced my outdoor table. Okay. But this will be a perfect table for your house. We're going to have to store it in your garage until your home is finished being built. But you put some teak oil on it and it'll come right back to life. I mean, there's spider webs on this game. Yeah, it's disgusting.

Take that. Is it an outdoor table? Yeah, bring it over here, guys. Let's go. Oh, she is nice. Oh, my gosh. How is this getting to my house? I'll try to put it back my truck.

Lift it above the table. Don't scratch my table with that table. Wow, this is huge. You put this teak oil on here, and she will come right back to life. I cannot wait. That's a beautiful table. It is nice. It's nice.

It's got potential. Here, then I got you this. This was just at a hotel. I don't use anything. What's inside? It's just more face stuff. Body lotion. Is it awful?

I mean, it's hotel stuff. I don't know. I don't know if it's good. Sometimes you stay at nice hotels. I stayed at very nice hotels. Okay? We'll see. Okay, well, I brought you this.

So I asked our esthetician what you needed and she said, well, show me. Did that off my desk? Show me his picture. And so I showed her your picture. Which photo did you show, though? Well, she made me pull up your Instagram and then she watched a couple. She watched a couple videos. Oh, give me this.

And she said, oh, he has sun damage. Yeah, of course. And I said, well, he's a surfer. So this is a medical grade. sunscreen. I think it's what, SPF 75? 70. Anything past 20 is pointless. Well, but it's, it's great. It's, and it's this brand is really great. Water resistant for 80 minutes.

Yes. So try it on your face. It's got this tone smart technology that kind of matches your skin. I don't like it. I know. Just try it. Or let Carly have it. She'll like it. But it's really, it's really good stuff. How much does this cost? It's pretty pricey, but we're going to be the only people in Malibu stocking this line. Oh, good. So this is a fucking plug. Yeah, why not? You've always had a real, real subtle laugh. Anytime Heather comes to a show, I can just hear her. I know.

The problem with her laugh too, besides it just being a cackle, is she doesn't laugh when everyone else laughs. She'll just randomly pick a time to let it loose. It's usually like if you get quiet and you make us like a funny face. I don't even need to write jokes. She just wants me to go up there and just go, ah. When you like would smirk, I would just like lose it for. every now. Tell people how I changed your life when it comes to... Which time? When it comes to ordering at a restaurant.

I mean, actually, I just said this to my parents the other day. I took them to lunch. And I was like, you know, Daniel says if they have bread pudding on the menu, you order it. And so we ordered bread pudding for lunch. My dad was the happiest. He's like, well, that was a good idea. If bread pudding's on the menu, you order. Second thing, I do a dessert, if there's like nine things that look good, order all of them. Yeah. And just deal with it. Oh, it's the best. You've made me some good desserts in your day. Yeah.

You bring them over. That's always sweet. It's been a while since I've had your mushy bread or your mushy. It was like a chocolate suflay type thing. Yeah, well, let's not go over where it wasn't a souffle. No, but like it was like that because you like things raw and doughy. I like things raw and doughy. I want that on my tombstone.

All right, Heather. Well, I look forward to you fixing my face. It'll be an honor. Oh, it's going to be excited. I'm going to look so much younger the next time you guys see me. I want to thank Heather for being on the show, reluctantly. She did it. She was great.

Yep. Nurses are good people. Just the salt to the earth. Why is being the salt to the earth a good thing? I love expressions that I've never looked into what it actually means. Anybody care to know why we say the salt to the earth? We need sodium. I don't know.

You think it's a sodium, related things. I think it's a biblical thing. You think it's biblical? I think it's just, it's fun to lick salt. The phrase originates from the sermon on the Mount and Matthew 513, where Jesus tells his followers, you are the salt of the earth. Okay. So he just made it out. He's riffed it. That sounds like a Trump quote. You just start talking and see what happens. Could have well been pepper. And they're all like, let's go get fish. You're the chives of the earth. the salt of the earth all right okay well anyway that's what she is by the way the table that i gave her uh just you know getting it up here uh was not easy but there's a staircase and it's it involves a

turn and it's it's going to be a pain but pete here thinks that table can go he's like i'm going to go down the hall quite a ways with it carrying it and then put in the elevator so we don't have to go up the flight of stairs the idea that this would fit in an elevator is absurd to anyone who's ever seen the elevator or like looked at a 10 foot table ridden an elevator it's just comical and he attempted it meanwhile there's like people like waiting this guy in a wheelchair is like hey when you're done failing at tetris we'll get you next sir oh anyway of course it didn't fit at all just added few extra scratches to the table and then we brought it up the stairs he's like it was worth a try i'm

like no it wasn't you walk twice the distance with that table by going to the elevator um we got some plugs patreon dot com slash toss show guys i need you to uh join that i'm kidding you don't have to but if you if you have money five dollars burning a hole in your pocket every month you're like i wish i didn't have this. You know, it's like, it's like, because eventually $5 is going to be like pennies. Right. Where you don't want them. Yes.

Although now people are collecting pennies. Who's doing this? I don't know. I don't know anyone that's collecting pennies. I'm just guessing that as soon as they say we're stop using pennies, that people start collecting them. Get the pennies. I'm thinking that you could like watch Fox News and there'd be a commercial like, you need to

invest in pennies. The Trump penny. My first farewell tour. tickets on sale adding shows constantly toss show store.com and by the sound of those horns

I know that it's time to play they love me they love me not Eddie what do you got Bo Mitchum 799 I've been trying to come up with something negative to say so I can be on the I love me not segment but can't the show is pure gold boom you're on the I love me segment

and I don't know why you're wasting time trying to come up with something negative that's the problem with America right there. Always trying to come up with something negative instead of focus on the positive. Exactly. Okay. Here's Toaster loving.

Toaster loving. Toaster loving. That means somebody's putting their dick in a toaster? Well, I guess maybe. Well, Tosh just did a sports gambling ad and I just lost all respect for him. That's what did it, huh? That's what made you lose all the respect.

He had all the respect for me. And then I did a sports gambling ad. Is that the problem? He lost it. Yeah. That's a shame. Hopefully, hopefully, Hopefully he has an open heart and I can win it back when I, like, do some, you know,

hair loss or boner pill commercials. See next week.