Tosh Show - My Falconer - Adam Baz

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

Daniel braves an encounter with falconer Adam Baz for a conversation about trapping wild birds, controlling pests with raptors, and his urban farm in East LA.  

Hey guys, it's me, Daniel. Do me a solid. I don't ask for a lot, but like and subscribe to this podcast. Also, you could rate it. Highly, I would appreciate. Maybe even write a review. Maybe we'll become best friends. Here's a, you're not going to know the answer to this, and it's just so juvenile.

But I believe I've had a mental theory for a long time that birds try to shit on people. Why did you insist that I wouldn't know the answer to that? Posh show It's a Posh show Tosh show. Tosh show for show. Hey guys, it's me, Daniel Tosh, and welcome to eating chicken fingers. Chicken fingers eating time.

It's the only podcast where I invite guests on and we eat mild chicken fingers. Maybe not even sauces to dip a minute. No. And we just see how long until they break. Oh, man. Man, it is good to be here back in Malibu. Where'd you go? I'll tell you where I went, Eddie.

I left the comforts of Malibu and headed up to Solvang. Now, I don't know if you've ever been to Solvang or if you've ever heard of Solvang before, but if you're new to this podcast, you're going to need to know, I love California. And there's just all these places in California that are so ridiculous. but completely different and bonkers from other places. Now, Solvang is a, what is it, it's a Danish community. You know, it's just the most quaint little town you've ever been in. There's a cuckoo clock store.

Big sign in the cuckoo clock store to not take any photos. I'm like, I'm going to take a photo. I took a photo. I also asked the lady that worked there. I was like, so do you have to set these every day or do you stop them? Who's whining these things? I wanted to stay till the hour to see, to watch, you know, 200 cuckoo clocks go off at the same time. I didn't feel like waiting four minutes.

I hear at Christmas it's just heavenly. You ever been? I have been, yeah. You've been to Solvang. I've been to Solvang. Did you have a good experience? Yeah, it's beautiful. What time of year?

I think it was like October. Okay, were they setting up for the holidays? Not setting up yet. I didn't notice any kind of. holiday. Where did you stay? It was like a one of those we could go live with other people in the house. They feed. What is it? A cult? No, not a cult. I think you're thinking of a cult. What are you talking about living with other people in the house? You're talking about bed and breakfast. Bed and breakfast. That's what you're thinking of. But I went up there for my wife's cousin, Amanda,

her birthday. We had a birthday party for her up there at Alassol Ranch. And this is a horse ranch. Now, normally, I think that you would pay less money to be near a barn and the animals right in your backyard of your hotel room. But here they charge you just a fortune to just be amongst it. Anyway, it was nice. Now, I rented our hotel room for two nights, but you get a third night free. I stayed one night. Well, I don't like to do things too long. So I went up, I took the family up, and we went up there in the afternoon, and we went to an early dinner.

By the way, the dinner, you have to wear a sports coat, and I wore my Stetson hat. They pride themselves on tradition of yesteryear. You get to the restaurant, and the food's good enough. The restaurant's a little banquety hall, and then they're like, oh, what's your name? And I'm like, oh, I'd like to sit by the fire, but you're going to sit where your table is. and then I find out that it's this is your table for your entire stay meals are included now while the hotel rate is exorbitant everything is included and when I say everything they won't let you tip them like at the restaurant anything more you just it's all included

22% I believe is included well probably wouldn't have gone that much but whatever so this is your table I've never been on a cruise ship but it felt like that so tomorrow at breakfast, I'm going to have the same people sitting around us. You get it? Yeah. So you got to get to know people. Immunity. I don't like that.

I'm not getting to know anybody. So anyway, I left after one night. But I did a full, I went up there in the afternoon, did that night. You know, they had an outdoor movie theater for the kids with popcorn. You know, we went swimming in the pool. That was fun. You know, Amanda's riding horses everywhere. and I stay the whole next day into the evening

and then we're going to drive back when it's the kid's bedtime. That's my say. So it's almost like a day and a half, but only slept one. It doesn't matter. I went to a rodeo. It was the last rodeo of the season

up at Allesol Ranch. And I've never been to a rodeo, as you probably could guess. But I dressed up in my Western wear and it was like a cool 91 degrees out. So that's just uncomfortable. It was fun. they wanted the kids

let kids do an event and that was fun they ran out there I just kept saying things that were inappropriate and my wife was getting upset she's like, well I would just the people around me definitely could hear I just kept saying so this is a rodeo

like how long do I have to stay here before I stop caring about women's reproductive rights you know it's stuff like that I'm poking the bear. Yeah. I'm with the people. But, I mean, is it fun? Sure, if you've never experienced actual fun.

I will say this. Was it fun? No, not at all. But when the horses run really fast, they did some sprint race back and forth. And one horse was just so much faster than everyone else. When it ran by, I was like, oh, wow, that is impressive. That is a beautiful animal going way too fast. they asked Amanda to be in it.

She was going to herd some cattle or something for time. The lassoing, you know, where one person lassoes the front, the horns, and then the other person gets the back legs, and you get points if you get, you have to get both horns and then both back legs, or there's deductions for whatever. But what I learned, and maybe this was just a bad rodeo, is that they're not very good at it. you know a lot of a lot of unsuccessful attempts you know and then occasionally when somebody would get one you're like whoa that was amazing i ate a lot of pastries while i was there

little danish pancakes they're real proud of those but then the hotel is famous says that says that they have famous donuts so in the morning uh it's you know you can just take what you want everything's included so i just asked for a to go box and just stacked up half dozen donuts and went back to my room that's exactly what I did I might have only been there one night but I ate I ate three days worth of donuts that's what I was telling the person when I was taking all the donuts I was like uh just so you know I have I have the room for three days but I'm only going to be here one morning he's like hey you can take as many donuts as you want I'm like well you got to justify like you're you're looking

at me may look like a lot I saw a lot of animals that though, while I was there. I tried, I talked to them. I said, listen, if I bring my pig up here and just set him over the top of the fence here and walk away, you guys aren't going to get rid of it, right? You're going to keep it. And they're like, well, you can't do that. And I go, of course you can't do that.

But I'm not going to go to jail for doing it. Right. Right? And you're going to take care of my, because I was trying to get rid of my pig because they had a whole, they had so many animals. They had two mini cows. And by many cows, they're still 500 pounds. They're beautiful.

You could talk me into getting a mini-cow. A bunch of rabbits. There's a beautiful albino rabbit that I played with. Saw some predators while I was there. There's a bobcat just stalking my front lawn at the hotel. Speaking of predators, today's guests, hoo-hoo! Woo! Woo!

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What is your owl's name? Ozzy. It's a good name for your owl. I have a hawk also with me. What's his name? Jasper. Jasper. Yeah.

How old's Jasper? Jasper is seven. How old do Falcons get? All these birds I'd say in the wild live maybe eight to 12 years. Okay. But in captivity, 30, 35. I always like it when it goes that direction. Yeah.

It's better than the other way around. It makes you feel so much better. Agreed. But you hear about like an orca, and you're like, oh, they live 50 years in the wild and two in captivity. Right, yeah. I don't know that. I don't know if that's true. That might have been a bad example.

Nothing I ever say is factual. I always have to point that out. I think you're right. I think that sounds like something I've heard before. First question, do you believe in ghosts? I do not. No. Hard no on that one.

Ooh, hard. I haven't had a hard know in a while. Yeah. It's refreshing to talk to the saying. Yet you're a birdman I want you to know I too am a bird man Okay so you're nice to meet you

Well I I've got chickens Oh same yeah I've got one silky And two showgirls What's a showgirls Showgirls are very much similar To silkies But they have a bald neck

And then like a big amount of hair At the top hence the name showgirls You know they're smaller eggs But they do the job Yeah Now I'm sure you know Because you probably listen to every episode I've had, but one of my, uh, one of my showgirls was killed by a hawk.

Oh, okay. So this is, this is kind of personal, this interview. A little bit. Okay. I didn't know what I was stepping into. Well, I'm just going to, I'm giving you all the information up front. I have in my backyard, um, this one huge tree in, in an adjacent property, not mine, uh, a couple hawks live. Yeah. We have chickens also and we have a lot of hawks. Well, I have, obviously hawks, but also wild hawks in the neighborhood, and we kind of just going into it knew it was going to be like a live-in-let-be type situation. Have you lost a chicken to one? We have lost four, none to hawks, all to coyotes, unfortunately.

Okay, the coyotes, oddly, so stupid, don't come to my front yard ever. Always in my backyard, they can't mess with my pig. My pig's too big. Can't mess my dog, my dog's monster. But the chickens are in the front. And they're loose, almost all day, every day. And the coyotes are never. It's fenced in, I assume.

It is, but they can climb any fence. Yeah, but I guess coyotes don't like to feel trapped. Like, they'll go into something, but if they feel like they'd be stuck in that environment and they don't have an easy way of escaping, they're hesitant. We've never had a coyote get into our farm, but we have had chickens get out, and then the coyotes kill them on the street. So sadly, we had six chickens, the four smartest chickens, which were the ones that were able to figure out how to get out, all got killed. So we're left with the two dumbest chickens we had. Experience is bliss. Yeah, so, yeah, that's where we're at.

It's a pretty cool farm. Where did you grow up? I grew up in upstate New York. What was childhood like? It was a little boring. Siblings? I have siblings. That's not why it was boring.

No, no, I didn't piece that together. Yeah, I do. I have two sisters. I grew up in like a rural area in upstate New York. I was like a punk skateboarder, troublemaker. I was bored. You know, it was like cornfields and dairy farms, and I just wanted to be in an urban environment. had no interest in the outdoors whatsoever.

My dad is a fly fisherman, so I think kind of from early on there was something in there. I always say like falconry is a little similar to fly fishing in some ways. Do you know how to fly fish? A little bit. I've learned from him, but it's hard.

Well, of course it's hard. Almost, I would say, impossible. I'd like to visually just watch it. I actually like to just see one person doing it. And then I think in theory, I always think it'd be funny just to come wading out next to him and just talk to them.

Just ruin their... Like, people go out just to be alone in the stream, and then you're just there. I just want to say hi. With the microphone. Hey, you look like you're doing pretty good. When did you head out west? After college, whenever that was.

Where'd you go to college? Bard College. It's like a small liberal art school in upstate New York. Also in the middle of nowhere. I could walk to it from my parents' house. Okay. Yeah, so I was like, when I graduated, I went to reluctantly,

but unregrettably went to a small college that was in the town I grew up in. Then immediately when I graduated, was like, I got to get as far away as possible, move to Portland, Oregon. That's where I kind of started getting into the outdoors, I guess. It's fitting place to, you know, it's beautiful. I started hiking. I mean, where you lived was also beautiful.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. In a different way. Yes. It's more agricultural, like, pastoral. You know, the Pacific Northwest is like old mountains, like raw nature beauty. Did you major in falconry or no? It's not a thing. No, that's not a thing.

No, I didn't, in undergrad, I studied art and political, just basically, two made-up majors. The whole falconry bird thing is all later in life. I worked as a bird biologist for nine years. That's how I kind of got into falconry was through biology and conservation. How I got into bird biology was honestly, I think I just had a crazy mushroom trip one time in the woods and was realized that birds were beautiful and they could fly and they can sing and they're colorful and enigmatic and they just come and they disappear. And I got kind of totally obsessed with the idea of learning how to identify them. So I started bird watching as a hobby. I have a little bit of an obsessive personality, so I get really into things. And then

that kind of led to falconry. But sorry, there's a really, to answer your question, I did eventually go back to grad school. And I did get my degree in ornithology, which is the biology of birds. Do I have to keep saying Raptor or can I just say bird? Well, it's up to you. But yeah, Raptor is the correct term that includes falcons, hawks, owls, and eagles. So falconry is specifically relegated to flying predatory birds, birds of prey, raptors. Did you ever have a bird as a pet prior to this? Nope. Okay, because there's a distinct line between like bird watching and people that have birds as pets.

I've always felt. I always felt there was a real line there. It was a leap, yeah. No, I don't know. I honestly, I was working as a bird biologist. and I heard an interview on NPR with a falconer who was working professionally as a falconer. And that really kind of appealed to me. And at the time I was, you know, it was like the age where all of my friends were becoming freelancers.

You know, it was like the gig economy was huge. And I was working in an office as a biologist, crunching numbers and writing up reports. And it was meaningful work, but I was in an office. And I wanted to be outside. That's why I got into birdwatching was to be outside. So falconry seemed like a really compelling idea. and then I just kind of start dove right in.

You weren't one of those weirdos whose favorite comic book character was Hawkeye, were you? No, I don't even know what that was. He's a Jeremy Renner, right? Jeremy Renner was Hawkeye. He never had his own Marvel movie, but he was a character

that had a bow and arrow. It made no sense. Yeah, there was one season of his show. It was canceled. The only thing I know about Jeremy Renner is he's the guy up in Tahoe that got ran over by a snowblower. His snowblower.

He was a snowblower. Yeah, it was a, tragic story he milked it for a long time though if i'm if i'm being honest by the way i don't know anything about uh the hawk i franchise eddie the dork over there no that's john you don't deflect to another dork no the dork gets us on it you got to own it you were a drummer in a band yes you played in multiple bands yep in portland i played music i did that that was kind of what i tried to do career wise for about eight or ten years and i can't believe that you gave up being a drummer for the financial security of falconry?

You'd be surprised, well, do you think drummers make a lot of money? No, I just didn't think that the transition seems almost absurd. That's fair. How bad was your band if you had a switch from being a drummer to falconry? No, it's just my falconry is really good. That's the thing. You were originally drawn to a falconry because of the hunting aspect. Are you a hunter?

I am, but I haven't previously. I guess this is important. I think this is important to know. That is the definition of falconry. At its core, falconry is a hunting sport, and it's been that way for 5,000 years. So you can't really get into falconry and not also hunt. Legally speaking, and in terms of the way that this is all regulated and the way our licenses come from to own these birds, it's as a hunting sport through the Department of Fish and Wildlife.

So you have to have a hunting license. You have to have a falconry license, and it is basically encouraged, if not required, that you hunt with your birds, at least for the first two years. Where do you go hunting here in Los Angeles with your birds? Not really in the city. I go out kind of near Joshua Tree or mostly up near Bishop. And why did the birds come back there? I'm going to start with real some dumbed questions. Why do they come back?

Yeah. Well, you just be like, all right, thanks, fucking asshole. I'm gone. Well, sometimes they do. Do they? They absolutely could. Thank you. Of course they can. Of course.

Do they? I've never had a bird voluntarily fly away. I have kind of temporarily lost birds. But I guess the short answer to your question is it's a combination of trust and food. They trust that I'm not going to hurt them and I'm benevolent. But more than anything, they trust that I'm going to feed them consistently and regularly. By the way, that's one of the reasons that they can live to 30 years in captivity versus 12 years in the wild. And they're not necessarily the smartest animals in the world, but I think they're smart enough to know.

that they kind of have a good thing going on. How long do you train a bird? Are you always training? Kind of always training. Okay. I mean, that's kind of my philosophy on training animals in general, whether it's my dog or the horse or the birds is you're always training. Because if you're not actively training, you're just undoing the training that you did.

I have a pretty well-trained dog. And so people have asked me over the years, like, oh, could you train my dog? Or what do you think about this trainer? I was going to send my dog off to like a six-week intensive training program. And there's no harm, but the problem is, you could have your dog trained to the nines at a facility and then you bring it home and if you start cutting corners and you don't reinforce that training I mean dogs are smart animals and all animals are opportunistic and they will find ways to circumvent the training and that training doesn't just stick permanently you have to constantly reinforce it that's why that's why I don't even bother yeah Carl I just let him I'm like he's bit my kids both of them but both times it was their fault so I was like I don't care yeah Like, they, like, one time my daughter, like, was a year and a half old, she's like, I was like, oh, it was so good that you put his food down. And then, so then she went to, while he was eating his food, to grab his food away to do it again, to put it down again, because she wanted the reward.

And then he just bid her. And I'm like, good for you, Carl. Get away from his food now that you put it down. Got it. Right. It's not his fault. Anyway. I mean, it wasn't hard.

He'd latched on. He'd let her know. Like, hey, get away from me. Food. Maybe I shouldn't say that It doesn't matter Point is I agree with you You got to constantly train him

And I don't do that So it's on me But to answer your original question I guess How long it takes to train the birds Or how long I train them Like the base level training Meaning you get a bird

That's essentially wild Totally untame Untrained Doesn't know you from the next guy It could be anywhere From three weeks to three months It's pretty fast Where do you get a falcon from

Or any of these raptors Where do you buy one? I buy them from federally licensed breeding programs, but you can trap wild birds as well. You can trap them. Yep. You need a permit, the license to do this, just to be clear. And to get that, you have to do a two-year training program and apprenticeship. But during that first two years, you're actually required to trap a wild bird.

You have to start with a wild hawk. After you've completed. It's like joining a gang. It is a little bit. There's like there's an initiation kind of a situation, yeah. I've never been in a gang, but I'm just guessing. Yeah. I've seen movies.

So you trapped a wild bird? Yeah, my first bird was a red-tailed hawk. How'd you trap it? It's called a balshotri trap. The best way to think of it is like a shoebox that's made out of heavy-duty chicken wire. And a little stick and rope on it? Not quite. So you put a live mouse inside.

Oh, here we go. And then you tie a bunch of little slip knots with string or fishing line all over the outside. And you find a bird that you want to and are legally allowed to trap. and you drop the box out of your car. Usually it's on a farm road. I did it up in Oregon. And then you drive away. And you go a couple blocks down and you sit with your binoculars looking back at the trap.

And if the birds hungry, which they usually are, wild birds are always hungry, basically. They'll come down trying to get to the mice and then they get temporarily stuck on the trap. And then you peel around and go and just basically dive on the whole mess and grab them. Is that interaction? Is that fun or terrifying? Both. Okay. Is that, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's fun and terrifying for me. I would say it's probably just terrifying for the bird. Well, yeah. First few days, I won't lie, are terrifying for the bird. The way that you bring them home, this is just kind of like one of these things that's taken for granted. It's just a normal thing to do in the falconry community. But when I tell people this who are outside of the falconry community, they think it's just a really bizarre thing, which is that when you get your bird and you remove them from the trap, you need to get them home somehow.

And they're not just going to sit calmly on your passenger seat because they're, They're a wild hawk. Okay. So we generally take a pair of panty hose and we cut off the ankle, basically make a tube, and you just slip it over the bird. So they're just kind of like stuck in women's panty hose like this. And then you just sit them on the passenger seat of your car. So like I remember that very vividly, like driving home and there's just a hawk staring up at me in panty hose.

You know, it's like a very bizarre. Imagine getting pulled over right there and explaining all of this sense. No, no, you have to understand. You have to put panty hose over this live hawk. that I just taught. I've got a license. I'm totally trained. But the hawk's terrified, you know.

I mean, they're not, but they very quickly, within like two to three days, start to trust you and lose the fear. Yeah, because they're eating good now. Yeah, exactly. They're no longer eating rodents that have been poisoned by, you know, God knows what people are trying to do. And I take responsibility for that because I have an owl box and I got a barn owl that lives in it now.

Oh, nice. So then I had to stop using the rodents, you know, poison on the rats because now it's going to kill the Ow, you get it. You have to say it to you. You understand my problem. Well, that's good of you. You've got to say it to your audience. It's important.

I can say it to my audience. Listen, guys, I'm sure you've got acreage. How much does a, from a breeder, one of these birds cost, ish? 800 to 5,000 in the United States. Uh-huh. But most of them are like maybe one to 2,000. Can I capture a pelican legally? No.

Oh, God damn it. And nor can I, by the way. Oh, I bet you could, though. No, I can't. I cannot. You know how you catch a pelican? It's different from a falcon. This is you just sit on a pier, you start talking slowly.

But he's up to you. You get fishing and eventually he'll come on over. I've always wanted a pelican. I think they're awesome. Might be my favorite animal. That doesn't matter. How hard is it to get a permit? It's pretty hard.

Besides having to catch one in the wild, that part seems crazy. You have to do a two-year, to become a falconer, you have to do a two-year training program. To start the two-year training program, you have to pass this, like, comprehensive written exam. It's kind of like, I guess, the SATs for falconry. There's no way I could get a falcon. What's the old-timey leather football helmet birds have to wear? Oh, gosh, I should have brought one. Well, it's called a hood. Basically, the hood is a very traditional piece of falconry equipment. It's a set of blinders. It's a blindfold. And birds in general, but especially birds of prey, have exceptional vision. They can see maybe eight to 12 times

better than us. And so a lot of their brain activity is busy processing visual information. And so it gets fatiguing. You know, they can get overwhelmed and overstimulated, especially in an urban environment. Got it. And so the hood helps them relax, basically. I only use them on birds if they show me that they need it. You know, some birds are calm. I have a falcon at home. I didn't bring her today, but she's a great bird. She's just really high, strong, you know, very fast kind of anxious bird, and so she has to wear the hood anytime she's in transport. All right. What birds

what raptors are you bringing out right now? Let's bring out the hawk first. Jasper. Jasper's coming out. All right, I'm going to try to keep him from pooping somewhere. Yeah, well, don't worry about that. If that happens, it happens.

Yeah, so this is... What if right when you open, it just all hell breaks loose? This is the last Posh show ever. Ah. I would love to go out this. Oh, fuck you.

That thing is real. Yeah, so this is Jasper, and he's a type of hawk called a Harris's hawk. Uh-huh. You keep a leash on their foot at all times? Well, not when I'm flying them. This just gives me something to hold on to when I don't need to fly him. Obviously, when I fly him, I take it all off. Oh, man, I didn't know it was going to be a projectile.

I'm so, here, do you want me to clean that up? You sure? I get it. But I almost hit an outlet. And what if he would have gotten electrocuted from that? Is that possible? Come all the way back up. Here's a, you're not going to know the answer to this, and it's just so juvenile.

But I believe I've had a mental theory for a long time that birds try to shit on people. Why did you insist that I wouldn't know the answer to that? Well, because I don't think it's a real thing. Nobody's ever going to spend money on this study. But I feel like when I watch like seagulls and stuff or pelicans fly over a group of servers, I feel like they hold it and then they wait to fire. Yeah. No, I don't know, like, statistically, the answer, but I think that there is some validity to that. Okay.

I do think it's like whether it's their aiming or it's a stress response, birds absolutely do poop when they get upset. Like, I always think it's impressive that they can fly and shit. Like, that's just neat. Imagine if you were at a full sprint and having it. It just... I've never tried it. I have, well, you know, I have, but it was unfortunate. How far can the hawk see? That's a, that is kind of the way people often frame that question, which is understandable. how far can the birds see. The better way to think of it is how much better can the birds see?

Because, like, you know, if you're on a boat on the ocean, you can see hypothetically forever. You can see the curvature of the earth. That's hundreds of miles away. You can definitely see more than 12 miles, right? Oh, I don't know. You know, have you ever noticed that when you're on the ocean? I mean, you can see the horizon line is curved. The earth is flat.

Go on. So, but the difference is like he can see every little detail of every little ripple in the wave, you know, a mile away, whereas you can just see that maybe 30 feet in front of you. And that's what allows them when they're circling 500 feet in the air and they look down at the ground. I mean, they have to be able to differentiate between a small brown mouse and a small brown pine cone and know when it's worth diving down and grabbing it, you know, so. Is there anything you should not do around? I mean, generally, these are their weapons, their feet. This is how they kill their prey. He can squeeze about five to six times harder with his

feet than I can with my hand, and I have a pretty firm handshake. And he won't squeeze your hand? No, I mean, he doesn't like this. And if I keep doing it, see, he kind of stomps, and he'll growl. You hear him growling? Yeah. He's letting me know he doesn't appreciate it. So we're going to stop.

But my point is, oh, he wants to sit up here. My point is, he's not aggressive. But yeah, I mean, generally you shouldn't touch their feet. All right, you done, Jasper? All right, Jasper. Thanks for shitting on us. Look at that. If he fired one off on this table.

How often do you have to fly your birds? I try to fly them every day. Every day they're supposed to fly. And you just, so your neighbors just fucking hate you? How does this work? You just have crazy animals flying out your backyard all day? You know, I never, I don't, I rarely fly them at my house.

You go someplace every day? Yeah, because for a couple reasons. One is this is my job. So I don't really, if I can help it, I get paid to fly them. Okay, you know, that's just, so I figure if I need to train bird, I might as well bring it and get paid to do it somewhere. So I don't fly them at home that often because wherever you feed them, they will start screaming and begging. And I try to keep it quiet at the house. So if I was to feed them every single day in my backyard, they would be

loud. They'd be screaming. Are you allowed to have them at your house? Oh yeah. Even though, okay. Yeah, yeah. It's all inspected. They send a warden from the fishing game department. Comes to your house? Yeah, that's got to confuse your neighbors too. And they're not, they're no joke. I mean, They're bulletproof vests. They're heavily militarized, like, wild-like police. I've seen Yellowstone. Yeah, exactly. I know what the fishing game does.

They fucking kill tourists from California. That's their whole job. Falcons, do they go 200 miles an hour? Peregrine Falcons have been clocked, I think, that high, but it's not in a natural setting. What is it, a vacuum? Where are they getting up to 200? They were dropped out of an airplane at a really high altitude. That's a...

So it's like a totally contrived. It wouldn't happen in nature. In the natural world, peregrine falcons, which are the fastest animals in the world, they can dive over 150 miles per hour. And they dive and then they just smash into their prey, killing their prey. And they have something on their brain or skull that allows them to absorb such a shock without them being basically killed when they crush into things. So much so, that I don't know if you're familiar, that football now has been sick. studying them for CTE and their concussions. I don't know if they're going to try to inject falcon gel into players' heads,

but they've got to come up with some scenario where these people can, because Falcons can smash and they don't get concussed or anything. Yeah. You're 90% right. Thank you. You're 10% wrong. As long as I was 9. By the way, I've never been.

And that's a generous 90%. I've never been 90% right about anything that I've regurgitated from someone else in my life. Okay, so, yes, Falcons do collide with their prey at high speeds, and they are, I guess, anatomically engineered to help with that, but they hit with their feet. You're thinking of woodpeckers, which excavate holes and trees with their beaks, so they just repeatedly smash their head into hard wood. And so football helmets are engineered based on, like, the specific angles and structure of woodpecker skulls.

I certainly wasn't thinking of woodpecker. I got bad intel. I got bad intel. Such a different... Just a jump, falcon to woodpecker. Whatever. You ever fuck with a woodpecker? I do fuck with woodpeckers.

Yes, that out. I have fucked with woodpeckers. My master's thesis in grad school was on woodpeckers. Does hanging a CD on the side of your house actually prevent them from coming back? It could help, but probably not. Okay. Yeah. Hiring a falconer would help.

Oh. Little business plug there. That's fine. Let's talk about your business because it's, you know, many T's many teens. years, you do education with children, you can hire you to get rid of rodents, or not rodents, other birds? Other birds, mostly, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. And what are the other things that I'm missing? Basically, the photo and film industry. Okay, a rap video, because Lord knows you want a fucking falcon. But my question is, is the rate the same for all three of those things? Or is it different? It's tiered. I mean, I try to make the cheapest of all of them is the education.

The education, because I believe in it. And I have, so I have, like, on my website, you can sign up for these interactive falconry experiences. So I have a lot of families that come. They bring their kids or that's maybe a couple celebrating an anniversary or a birthday. I try to make that affordable because it's fun to do and I want people to get to meet the birth. What's the rate for that? Usually a private session is about $400. Okay, guess what, guys?

I'm going to hire, I'm going to hire Adam for my son's elementary school. Oh, that's awesome. There's the first thing I'm doing. There's a new principle there, so she's probably not going to be thrilled with this. Why not? I don't know, because as soon as you tell a new person in charge, hey, we're going to have these raptors on campus, you might want to, you know, not wear loose clothing that day. Has any kids ever gotten hurt from your demonstrations? No.

I mean, the birds are really well-trained, and obviously I wouldn't ever bring a bird that was anything other than well-trained into a situation like that. You call your company Hawk on hand. Do you have any clever slogans about two in the bush? No. Thank you. All right. I'll be going home and editing our website immediately. When I used to do a TV show, I always hated using real animals

because I always felt bad for the animals when they came on. One time I had a kangaroo on set, and that handler was basically, basically just all day long having to fight this kangaroo. I'm like, all right, Jesus. You have a dancer at a bar. I get it. I think it was intense. It was intense to watch. That feels like it's so out of place for the kangaroo. Which I guess you can make the same argument about an owl and a rap video. But most of the time when I bring my birds to do music videos or commercials or photo shoots, people want them flying. And they're so well trained and they've been, they've grown up around humans. So, I mean, it's a little small in here. but like they'd fly happily in here

just as happily in here as in the wild you know I mean because they're flying they're coming back to me I'm giving them food they're just doing what they've done every day their entire life so it's not stressful for them what's your food what's your food a choice for them mostly mice and alive no no frozen

and how do they eat this frozen mice I cut up in little pieces oh you're making me want to puke with scissors I'm just oh just got yeah like you know meat Heavy-duty meat scissors. I'm not good with that. Here, and I eat meat.

Well, I was vegan for about eight years, and then when I started eating meat. You got happy once again? I just was, I was like, I want to at least once participate in the process from beginning to end. Because it's weird and just kind of disembodied to just go to a grocery store and get this little packaged thing in saran wrap. You don't have to think about the fact that it came from a... You don't get your groceries delivered? come on it's true yeah let's add another level of removal too thank you you you open your door it's just right there perfectly queued my door my housekeeper will put it in

you have acreage third level there's three levels there's three levels the pest control service by the way so who is hiring you i mostly do like pigeon crow and seagull control where who who needs that to remove hotels resorts shopping centers you know how california has a lot of these like outdoor plazas and shopping centers. So outdoor shopping plaza hires you to come to get rid of their pigeon problem. How often do you come and how long? It depends, but usually I would say

like eight to 12 times a month, a couple times a week. You come a couple times a week. Yep. For just a few hours at a time. And pigeons are like, okay, we don't hang out here. You know, if I show up Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for three hours at a time with falcons that are chasing and intimidating

and scaring the pigeons, Do they actually catch a few pigeons? Sometimes they can catch them, but the goal is not to kill them. It's just to haze them, scare them. And then, you know, over the course of several months, those pigeons will just learn, you know, they don't want to build their nest there. They'll move elsewhere. So it's a very, like, humane way of doing it because you're not necessarily eradicating the problem.

You're just moving it. You're kind of honestly creating a problem for someone else. Uh-huh. I know what you're doing. It's a great business model. Telling the riffraff to go to the other side of the railroad tracks. Yeah, okay. How many professional falconers are there?

Couldn't tell you. I don't know. I mean... You guys ever have conferences? Sometimes. There's not a lot of us, and I don't go to them if we do. Sometimes. Sorry, so they occasionally hang out.

You're not on the chat rooms. No, I kind of do my own thing. Do you know any other local falconers? I would guess there's maybe, let's say, 30 to 40 falconers in the greater L.A. area. Probably most of them, just because we live in a city, do work as falconers. But the rest of the country, I mean, let's say there's 5,000 falconers in the U.S. I would guess that 80% of them have no interest in working as a falconer. This is generally not a job.

They're just hunting. What are they hunting for? Sage grouse, rabbits, squirrels, ducks. And it's just a form of hunting that's entertaining for them versus, like, why is that more effective than a gun? It's not. So falconry began 5,000 years ago. This was before we had invented guns and gunpowder. So at that time, this was a pretty reasonable and legitimate way to.

catch food. Then with the advent of gunpowder, falconry became kind of eclipsed as like an actual survival tool. You know, it's a sport. People like fly fishing. God, I get it. I mean, it's enjoyable. You can't be good at it without deeply understanding the behavior of your birds and their prey and the whole ecosystem and the timing and, you know, all of it. So it's a really kind of like holistic, I guess, undertaking. It's very enjoyable. It is not very efficient. You go out all the time and you don't catch things, but that's okay. I mean, your worst day hunting as a falconer, you're walking with your dog and your bird through a field

in the middle of nowhere, you know, at dawn or something. I mean, it's a pretty beautiful moment, and you just get to watch and listen and be a part of it. Yeah, but you and I both know that's the worst day. The worst day, you end up fucking fighting off a bear or something. Yeah, it's not, can't be fun. Did you watch the TV show, Shogun? Yes, yeah.

What was the bird that he was? That was a falcon, yeah. He was obsessed with the falconic. And that was kind of like more traditional falconry for sport. Did you love that show? I liked it. I wouldn't say I loved it, but I liked it. No, I thought it was good.

How did you not love it? I just thought, I mean, she was the hottest chick I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, that's true. I just could, I was, I just kept looking at my wife the whole time and just angry. Just angry. I was like, what are you talking? Look at her. Yeah.

How are you guys related in species? Are you in a relationship? Yeah. How long have you been dating? Seven years. Married? Not, not quite. Oh, are you interested?

Yeah, of course. Don't show you, of course, seven years at some point you've got to do it. I know. Will a hawk bring the rings to propose? Oh, that would be beautiful. No, but that is a service I offer. Really? Do people want hawks at weddings?

Yeah, some people. Not most people. I wouldn't. I don't. And no judgment to any clients out there. But yeah, I have like, we call it the wing bearer package. Oh, man. Yeah.

So they have to have like one of your scissors. mice up there? Actually, yes, they do. To lure it? They do. Yeah, they do. What about the Eagles, Philadelphia Eagles? Eddie is a big fan. Do you enjoy their pregame routine of their, don't they have a bird flying around like an idiot?

No, I don't love, I'll be honest, I don't love that use of the birds. Thank you. I don't love it either. It feels a little, that feels a little like you've gone a little too far. Right. You don't see the dog. dolphins parading a big old tank into the stadium. A big old love ground pool, pull it in.

But I mean, to each their own, I try not to, you know, I don't go around the world judging the way other people do things unless it's outright cruelty. But that for me is like, I don't know, just flying my birds in a stadium with 30,000 screaming people doesn't feel like. Listen, I couldn't agree more. The tush push also should be illegal. Do you consider your birds pets or is it just a working relationship? I don't.

I don't consider them pets. I would, I kind of like to refer to them as working birds, working animals because I think, well, one, I don't ever want to be misleading and give the wrong impression to the general public that this is just some frivolous, easy thing to do and you want to, you know, you think it'd be great content for your TikTok videos to have an owl as a pet or something. I mean, they make horrible pets and it's illegal. And so I want to be very careful not to romanticize it or anthropomorphize it, whatever the right term is, you know, in terms of them being pets. Also, they are not affectionate animals. They don't love me. They never will. They don't want to spend that much time with me. They don't dislike spending time with me, but they are just using me for food. And so if your goal is to have like a very affectionate relationship with an animal, this is not the group of animals for you.

Jesus, man, it just got depressing. But that is a really important... I just, I wanted your Falcons to love you. I don't know why. I know a lot of people do. No, they don't. They really don't. And Al, is this Al up all on the?

long? No, he's kind of, we've kind of switched him over, so he's, he's not really nocturnal anymore. Does he read? Why? Why are, are owls smart? They're not. They're not smart. No, honestly, it couldn't be further from the truth. They're dumb as shit. Good to hear. Yeah, that's like, I always say they have a, owls have like a good publicity team. You know, everybody thinks they're wise. Mm-hmm. They're really not very smart birds. Hawks and falcons are way smarter. Good to know. All day long. That's the fact of the day. I'll, I'll, you know, it's, I always, I always like when I learned something because I'll say that for the rest of my life. You'll offend some people with that one.

People love, I just, people love owls. I don't know why. People are always very drawn to owls. Nah. I hated the owl and Winnie the Pooh. He's always like a buzzkill. I was more of an Eeyore guy. It's like the moroseness. Oh man.

Yep, there's Ozzy. You know that to just people that don't experience this at all. It's just terrifying. It's it, yeah. It's just like terrifying. I've never been as close to an owl in my life. Should I pet him or no? You can pet him.

Yeah, look at that. That's as soft as it gets. We're good. We're done petting. I'm not afraid of him, but he, I mean, ma'am. He elicits different, stronger responses from people. I mean, the eye contact and just the intensity. Some people find it adorable.

Some people find it terrifying, maybe a combination of them. He's actually, honestly, he's the most probably docile. bird I have, and I've raised him since he was a baby, so I'm kind of all he's ever known. And when you have to commit to this for 30 years? I hope so, yeah. You imagine showing up if somebody's a house and you

see a goddamn owl. You'd lose your mind. That is so, that is like the most majestic thing ever. There's an argument that that's a better looking than an eagle. A lot of people think so. They almost don't look real. There's not really any other animal that looks like them. And humans

have been drawn to owls for thousands of years, because of all the birds they look the most like us. This is why people think owls are wise, by the way. Because his eyes are on the front of his face. Uh-huh. On the same plane. Yeah. Like a primate.

The other birds, almost every other bird, their eyes are on the side, which is more reptilian. Does that work with birds where you start to look like your owner? Because I'm starting to look at you right now. You're like a little bird-like? He might look like an owl. Yeah. Yeah. That looks similar.

Yeah. Does he roll pops? That's all he eats, yeah. Oh. He wants to fly, so I might toss him back in. Put him in his thing. Sorry, thanks for coming out there, Ozzy. Look at Ozzy.

That's as pretty as it gets. I got too much glass in my house, and don't say I should put stickers on my windows because I'm not going to do that, all right? But occasionally, and by occasionally, I mean, way too often I hear the thud. Yeah. I have successfully brought so many birds back to life. Now, tell me if what I'm doing is completely wrong. wrong. I take a damp towel and I lay it over them for like an hour and then I take it off and they

fly away. I wouldn't make it damp. I would just put a towel. I would, but you're close. I mean, look, if you're bringing them back to life, then don't. Not always. Sometimes I'm taking a sad trip to the trash can. If you have a bird that has hit a window or hit by a car and it's stunned, point being, if you find a bird on the ground, something's a miss. It's not flying away immediately. Generally, the best thing to do is put a towel in a little cardboard box, put the bird in the box on the towel and just put it somewhere safe and quiet and dark not in your home just you know maybe up on a fence under a tree in the shade point is you want to get it away from predators like cats or other birds or raccoons and just let it be and oftentimes they're just in

shock i'm always shocked at how many hummingbirds take a dive because i'm like you you can fucking levitate why are you going a hundred miles an hour into glass yeah it angers me yeah i yell at the hummingbirds as I'm trying to bring them back to life. But they have a pretty good recovery rate, I think. They do. They get stunned, and their whole brain shuts down, and then they'll, if you warm them up, like with hummingbirds, sometimes the best thing to do is keep them warm in the palm of your hand. I mean, obviously not squeezing them, but because hummingbirds go into what's called torpor,

so they can actually, like, lower their body's operational speed and basically go into a state of torpor, and so if you warm them up, it's almost like a reptile coming back to life. You like reptiles? I don't. I don't really. Oh, good. How many animals do you have to feed every day of your life? Well, right now we have 10 chickens.

Mm-hmm. Two goats. Full-sized goats? No, they're, you know, Nigerian dwarf goats, so they're minis. But they'll still take out a coyote. Oh, those animals are... We'll keep them near the chickens. Oh, I do.

Yeah, they all live together. Okay. We have a miniature pony. You do? We have a little farm at our house. Sounds like you do, too. No, yeah, I've got some animals. And then I have my birds

Any given time Five or six Owls, Hawks, Falcons Oh, I have a dog What kind of dog do you have? A Vichla. Oh, Avishla's a beautiful animal. They got some energy though. Jesus Christ, everything you have

involves like needing I know To go fucking four country miles Yeah And then yeah, two full-sized horses Two full-sized horses Honor your property? No, those are at a barn in Burbank, yeah

Is your girlfriend end all this too? Not the falconry as much but she rides horses and she kind of actually handles the farm mostly. That's a shame because I have a perfect girl for you. If things go sour with your current girl, Adam, my wife's cousin, oh, you guys, that could have been a perfect match. She's just a horse person. All right.

You know, maybe a little too much. Yeah, well, there's definitely, you know, horse girl's archetype that. He's a horse girl. Yeah. I'll stay with where I'm at. Well, I'm just saying, you never know what happens. one of your birds goes crazy takes out your girlfriend. My girlfriend's really going to love this,

by the way. I mean, no, she will because look, what I just said, staying true, told her we're basically on the road to marriage, gave her credit. This is the most important when she could care less about the other two. Credit for running the farm operationally. So,

I hope she should probably never listen to this. What? She's a huge fan. You don't think she subscribes already? God damn it. All right, everybody on the show gets a gift. I think you're going to love this. I got you a cahone. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, because you need a cahone. This is amazing. Because you can sit in Highland Park in a drum circle and bang away. Can you do some damage on that thing all right? I might move back to Portland with this, honestly. But you want to know, I don't know if you realize this, but this also could function perfectly as a barn owl box. I mean, yes.

So this was actually the best gift you could have given a drummer turned falconer. Look at that. Come on. Are you really going to put that on a pole and stick it 50 feet in the air? Honestly, I probably will because I don't think I'm going to play it. Is that okay? Of course. It's your gift.

You can do whatever you want with your gift. Thank you. You're welcome. Here, also got you a whirly bird. Okay? Now, this thing, I can't, my, every time my son does it, he spins it right to my daughter's face and she screams. Oh, you'll love that. That's good.

We'll get rid of that. Thank you. I got one other thing for you. I don't know if you have room for it or not, but, uh, Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. Hey, buddy.

Hi. That's Panda. Panda, Amanda. Nice to meet you. How you doing? That's Adam. Okay, get this pig off my desk. How you doing?

You want to let me up? Which place takes the crown for most unbearable hipsters? Portland or Highland Park? Portland. Well, gosh, that's a tough one. It's a different breed of hipster. All right. Oh, man.

Portland's really pretty excruciating. Portland really is just a parody of itself. You know, you watch like Portlandia. It's honestly, it's not that far off. It's really a hard place to live. I just love it. I would never, I loved it when I was there. I would never be able to go back.

I would never live there. I love every minute I'm in Portland, I would never live there. All right, Adam, thank you for being on the show. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. It's such a firm handshake. People tell you you have a firm handshake? I try to strike like a

No You don't want to be that firm You don't want to be that You know I like to be limp Yeah I like to be limp You were pretty

You were pretty limp No no That was my firm Oh that was firm I had to shook your hand before I knew that I had to come in hot Oh man You think you're sick

Ha ha ha Pasha I want to thank Adam for being on the show And I want to thank him For considering To take potato To his farm

I'll let you know if that actually happens. In the meantime, potato, if you're watching, and I know you are, stop destroying the yard. The amount of sod I have to replace. All right. Well, let's do our new segment called Pete's Poisons. It's where we take poison and we give it to Pete. And see if he can survive in this new segment called Pete's Poisons. Then we're going to follow that up with the new segment called John's jitters. Okay? Please.

Well, we just do things, and we see if John gets the jitters. I'm going to touch a lens on a camera. You've got to think of some alliteration for Eddie. Oh, wait about it. Dylan's Dongs. Ooh, Dylan's Dongs. That's where we sit Dylan down, blindfold them, right? And just slap them with dogs.

Putting glissies in his mouth. Oh, Dylan's don't. That's going to be a good segment. Let's keep that one. Follow our Patreon. Yeah, you're going to have to head on over to our Patreon for that bonus content. We got some plugs. Let's do our plugs here.

We got an Addie's tour, my tour. I'm selling a property in Tahoe. Wouldn't that be fun? You're listening to this podcast and then now you own a piece of Tosh history. Uh, what else we got to get to? Oh, uh, Amanda. Uh, we got to see if we have any, uh, you got any fresh new, uh, voicemails, Eddie? Got some fresh ones.

Okay. Let's hear the first one. Eddie? Uh, touch again. Hey, just started watching the newest, uh, toss show as I do every Tuesday night. Uh, spoiler alerts. What about those of us that have not seen season five of Yellowstone? Can you please?

have Daniel not spoil such great things. What is going on, Eddie? Hutch is abusing our phone line, just to call you now. Yeah, it's just supposed to be Amanda-based questions. He's abusing our phone number. It's supposed to be a phone number for potential suitors to leave their information about why they think they would be a good fit to date my wife's cousin.

Now, I've got this guy Hutch calling constantly complaining about the show because you graciously, after a live stand-up show, said, hey, let's be friends. I'm worried about our safety. If Hutch shows up here, Pete, you've got to give me a heads up. All right. Is there any other potential suitors calling? Yes. Hey, what's up, Daniel?

My name's Andy. I am six feet tall. I just turned 40. I'm white. I live in Manhattan Beach, and I voted for Kamala. I'm very liberal in that regard. I am a veterinarian, so definitely got the equine experience, and I do love horses. I've always said I'm interested and excited to have kids with the right person.

I am divorced once. I don't have any kids, but definitely very interested in meeting and getting to know Amanda. I laugh easily. I've been a big fan of yours and your show for a long time. Okay. And I'm an aspiring surfer. So, yeah, I think you'd have a good time with me. But I think more importantly, Amanda would have a real good time with me.

Whoa. I mean, this might be a winner. Yeah, this is great. I got to, we do a little background check and we'll set that. He's local. He's white. And that's, I'll be honest, that's actually a strike against him. Not because he's white, because he announced that he's white.

You don't announce that you're white. We assume you're white unless you announce otherwise. This guy seems like he's a home run. I just hope he's just not always announcing how white he is. That's the only thing worrisome. No, I, hey, nothing bad. That's great. All right, we'll give that a shot.

We'll see you next week. week.