Tosh Show - My Football Season Kickoff

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

Daniel gives his hot takes and winning picks for the upcoming college and NFL football seasons.

Hey, guys, it's me, Daniel. Do me a solid. I don't ask for a lot, but like and subscribe to this podcast. Also, you could rate it. Highly, I would appreciate. Maybe even write a review. Maybe we'll become best friends. Okay, here we go, guys.

This is our big football episode. We're talking all things football. Posh show. It's a Posh show. Tosh Show for show Hello and welcome to another episode of Tosh show I am your host, Daniel Tosh. Eddie Gosling is here.

What's up, Daniel? Getting ready. Getting ready for sports. Oh, yeah. Sports are back. Yes, they are. I talk on this podcast a lot about how much I love tennis. You know, the U.S. Open just kicked off.

And here's the thing. I don't care about the U.S. Open as much as I do the other tournaments because the U.S. Open is played during week one of football. That's just bad time. They shouldn't do it this. They should move it. The U.S. Open should be the beginning of October. It's just too much right now.

You can't jump back and forth between a football game and a tennis match. those things your brain doesn't allow you to do now we're recording this and we're we're just in round one of the u.s. open medvedev had a breakdown you know loses in the first round round doesn't leave the court during the other players interview and is just in the corner sulking and smashing rackets it was bizarre but he's Russian he's probably got a lot on his plate. Alcarez got a haircut. That's the big news of the tournament. He shaved his head and good. Alcarus has everything going for him. Yeah, 22, number two in the world should be number one. Sinner's a cheater. He should be suspended, but whatever. That's what's done is done. Alcarez had two

physical flaws. I always think this is good when I do this toward men, because if I did this toward women, people will be like, oh my goodness, you can't just cut them up physically. And I'm like, no, I do it to men too. Alcorah is a beautiful person, a Spaniard, his thighs. I've talked about his thighs before. I can't stop looking at his thighs. He had some acne scarring. That's unfortunate.

It was a lot worse in the beginning of his career when he's a teenager, and now it's gotten better, but there's some scarring. But his real problem physically was his head. hair. He had like a helmet head. And then you know, Djokovic has that problem too. Jokovic has always looked like if you took a Kendall and squished the head

in a little bit. And then you're like, oh, this is Jokovic. And then the way he would move, always kind of just his posture. This is Jokovic right here. I never liked it. But anyway, Algar's hair wasn't good. And I think he knew it wasn't good or I think he went

online and saw people going like, hey, you know, if he didn't have that helmet head he'd be a superstar so anyway he buzzed it down now the problem with what he did is he buzzed it down right before the start of the tournament and i'm seeing a lot of head and it's pale yeah it's got to grow in a little bit a little more growth and and a little tan uh and it'll be it'll be beautiful i think it was a good decision a lot of people aren't happy about anyway this was this was my uh my weekend it started uh with watching this but the reality is i'm just gearing up for football. So a lot of the matches that I would watch, I'm going to miss.

You're like, well, there's tennis all week long. There's football all week long. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, it's Labor Day weekend. By the way, my house, Eddie, you won't believe this. The other day, I come home, constantly birds fly into my home. You know, a lot of indoor, outdoor living. So that's going to happen. But I came home. I was gone for a couple days. And guess what I found in my house? A bat. Then I found another bat. And then a third bat. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to get bats out of your house, but it's fucking scary. First of all, they show their teeth and hiss at you when they're when they're just perched or hanging there's like I'm taking a broom I'm trying to like move them and I'm terrified so so I back I retreat and I'm like I got to figure

this out and when they fly it's erratic so you're like at any moment you feel like you're going to get hit in the face so I had panda I trapped them into the powder room and I go panda go in there and shoe them outdoors I've got all the doors closed we'll get him out this front door. Two of them just went right out. Third one, the mama bat, wasn't having it and just hissed at us. And, you know, I made Panda go in with a broom

and try to shoe him out. I made her. And she couldn't do it. She was too scared. My son wasn't scared. He kept going in, but, you know, he's useless. And I'm worried that he's going to scratch up the walls with the broom. So finally, I have to do it.

I have to go in there. I have to be heroic, you know, the man of the house, whatever that's supposed to mean, and I go in there and I shoe the bat successfully out the front door. The story doesn't have, it doesn't have, it's not a big story, it's just, there's fucking bats in my home. Rebats. I don't even know there was bats in my neighborhood. Regular Batman.

You know what else? That same night, I'm putting my daughter down after the house has been a rat, of vampires, and it's taken a long time to get her down, and my wife texts me while I'm in the bedroom with her. The reason it's taken a long time is because we threw away all of her pacifiers. So anyway, whatever. We went cold turkey. It just takes a little longer now.

She doesn't cry, but she just wants you in the room a little longer. Anyway, my wife, they had gone out and had some pizza, and she brought some slices home. And it was kids pizza, so it's nothing that I really wanted. But anyway, she's like, I'm going to, I'll heat it up for you, and it'll be ready for you when you come out of the room. Nice. And I got a stone that's in an oven permanently.

You got two ovens. Don't judge me. I know you think I'm out of touch. I also have a pizza oven outside. Fuck off. Now, in one of the ovens, we keep a pizza stone, and that's just for reheating pizza. Yeah, we like to, I make to make pizza a lot, and that's a good place to reheat it without going outside. Anyway, she, you know, turns the oven on and eventually

gets up to 400 and she throws a couple slices in there. What are you? Two, three minutes? Whatever. Well, she puts it in there for two or three minutes and then she turns the oven off. And she's like, well, I just, I left it in the oven for you so that it'd stay warmer. But that's been like 12 minutes. Does she understand that a pizza stone holds heat? Then she puts it on a plate and like, here's your dinner. I just want people to know that think I'm out of touch. Look what I ate for dinner. This was my dinner. And guess

what? I ate it all. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The driest piece of just wood. Like jerky pizza. Oh, it's so gross. Listen, it's all preparing me. It's

preparing my stomach for tailgating season. I can't wait. Is this the year you go to a game, Daniel? I will not be going to any college football or NFL games this year, or any year, for that matter. You can't care about sports and then pay to goes to something where the outcome is depressing. That's just how I feel about it. At least at home, when I know what the inevitable is, I can just get up and walk away.

I can just fast forward, make it hurt less. and I'm not going to games, but I will watch. I will watch every single football game this year. Enjoy. Okay, here we go, guys. This is our big football episode. We're talking all things football, college football, pro football. Week one in college football starts Thursday.

That's a day. You watch that Week Zero game? It's very complicated in college football. The Week Zero game in Dublin, Ireland. They had the Cunnelingus classic,

I believe, is what it was called. I think it was called the Air Lingus. Air Lingus is the airline that sponsored the game. That makes more sense. Air Lingus. Sponsored the Cunnelingus Bowl. Yep.

Conningus Bowl. Anyway, college football. My favorite time of year when everybody says, oh, my goodness, you look like Lane Kiffin. Can we, do people still say that? I mean, it's been 15 years. I understood that 15 years ago, we looked like each other. But now, come on.

I'm aging like fine wine. Meanwhile, this guy's been aging like a president every four years. You guys got some stress. Anyway, best of luck to him and Ole Miss. I'm sure they'll be knocked out of the top 25 by week. What do you say? Week three is my prediction. That's my first prediction of the year.

You know who else I look forward to this year? Seeing old Nick Sabin, old crampus on a college game day. Oh, he is just so fun. There's rumors that he might come back to coaching. I tell you what, if Nick Sabin comes back to coaching, this is what needs to happen. He should be forced to fire whatever starting quarterback that team has. and unretire Dante Coalpepper and use Dante Coalpepper for at least three years

let me know how that works out for you you got a prediction on the Dolphins I do let's hear it the Dolphins this season will go undefeated again that's right you think the dolphins are going undefeated what's that payout in Vegas what's the over under on their wins this season

Because if it's seven and a half or eight, I'll take the over. College Game Day. Do you enjoy watching College Game Day? I do. I don't usually care. I like watching College Game Day when it's a West Coast team because it's pitch black outside. And these idiots have been standing on campus at 4 in the morning. College Game Day is sponsored by Home Depot.

So get excited for some ice raids. in the parking lot this year, rounding up a bunch of folks just trying to provide for their family with funny signs. By the way, I was asked to do college game day once, maybe twice.

I don't remember what my manager said to get me out of it. I'm sure she lied. I don't know why I didn't want to do it. I don't want to show up. It was probably at UCF. But now, maybe now I should do it. Now that Lee Corso is stepping down,

if they would consider me as a full-time position, a paid position. That's my thing. I never like to do things and travel and ruin my life for like, oh, it's good publicity. It's like, I don't care about publicity. I'd rather stay home and just watch the games. But Lee Corso. Yeah, he's retiring after week one, which is good, because that should have happened four seasons ago. I mean, every time he put a, you know, mascot head on, I'm like, oh, no.

What's going on in there? He's been doing it for so long. That's what my sign would say. My sign would say, Lee Corso started before the forward pass was invented. I wonder if they'd let that sign fly. Why don't we even bother with the top 25 anymore? Half the teams are in the SEC or the Big Ten.

The others are from chop shop conferences that will either not make it to the playoffs or they'll just get embarrassed by one of the teams from the powerhouse conferences. You think SMU is going to win a national championship? I'll tell you what. I bet my children's lives, they won't. They ranked 16th in the preseason.

SMU's ranked 16. All right. Then I'll bet my wife's life. Throw in my in-laws. Best game this weekend. Number one, Texas versus number three, Ohio State. The loser will fall out of the top five for, two or three weeks and then they'll be right back in that's my prediction you a fan of archmanning eddie

not really you're not i don't like texas so i don't really like their players and i don't really like you know you're you're on the wrong side of this one i know i don't like texas either think archmanning's fascinating i think he's great fun to watch didn't know he's such an athlete can't wrap my head around why he didn't start last year. I hope this plays this year in college football and then makes himself eligible for the draft because I'm just looking forward to watching his family

pick where he goes in the NFL draft. Ah, the NFL's so racist. Allowed the mannings to decide where Eli played football. Oh, but Shadour ruin his life because his dad is a little too much.

How can Deion's senators be too much. You don't even have feet anymore. Now, those of you know, know that I'm a UCF football fan for life. Oh, I love the nights. Now, they face, who do they face? Jacksonville State. Don't sleep on the Gamecocks. That's not South Carolina either, by the way. That's the Jacksonville Gamecocks. And not Jacksonville, Florida either. No, it's a Jacksonville, Alabama. This school gets more depressing the further you go down their Wikipedia page. There was a tornado that struck the campus

in 2018 causing minor to severe damage to every building. Well, that is devastating. Can't wait to watch the six-part dockey series on Netflix about this. What's the spread? 18 and a half.

Oh, you know UCF's going to cover. They got a, what's his name back? Scott Frost is back. He'll run the score up. Sure he will. The college football system lost all its legitimacy when they didn't crown the 2017 UCF Knights national champions. Period.

End of discussion. Now we have playoffs. Enjoy it. And we shouldn't forget that Jim Harbaugh at Michigan openly cheated. We're not going to vacate their national championship? What's his punishment? Ten years. They banned Michigan from playing football for 10 years?

Harbaugh. Oh, they banned Harbaugh. from coaching college football for 10 years. But that can't start, that 10-year ban can't start until he finishes up. What's his car? He's got a four-year ban for recruiting violations. So the NFL coach of the San Diego Los Angeles Chargers won't be able to go back to college football until 2038. Can you imagine how thick his glasses will be then?

He'll be able to see opponents game plans three weeks. into the future. You know, he left Michigan in such a hurry that he didn't have a place to live in L.A. when he first got here. He lived in his RV. I think we should all donate to Planned parenthood in his name. Like it? That'd be nice. Guy's such a fucking clown. Wait, he's a tattoo on him, 15 and 0. Imagine getting a tattoo because a bunch of 19 year olds won a game. you're 61 you're like yeah let's all get tattoos together that's just creepy behavior that's not sandusky level of creepy but it's it's creepy nonetheless you don't see jim trestle or urban mire pulling that nonsense i'm sure you're saying well they've got some skeletons in their closet

sure we all do yet ye who without sin cast the first stone jehovah i'm just saying they're not Jehovah? I'm just pointing out that they're not getting tattoos with their kids. Speaking of monsters, Bill Belichick, oh man, begins his first year at UNC. Have you guys seen him lately? Honestly, freshman 15, more like freshman 115? Good grief is he packing him on. I mean, I know we're not supposed to point that out, but come on.

That doesn't look healthy. but as long as he keeps trash talking a New England I hope him and his granddaughter what's her name Jordan Hudson I hope they have a fun time what about my gators by marriage

my Florida gators by marriage call my father-in-law see what he thinks I already have an idea oh you already heard it well he just can't stop talking about it because I keep telling them

that the over under for the Gators this season is six and a half wins. Hey, Dad. Hey, Daniel. What do you think of the over under on the Florida Gators? Six and a half wins. Yeah, that's way off. Nine and three.

We will not make the SEC championship, but we might make the first nine and three team in the playoffs. Okay. I think we're a top 12 team. We're loaded, man. I mean, there's homers and then there's whatever that is. A few years younger, Lee Corso. Okay, well, now we're going to do a lightning round.

Some of these games have already happened, so you'll get to find out if I'm right or wrong on the spot. And then you can use that information for the picks that are coming up. Oh. All right, here we go. 25 Boise State at South Florida, Boisey by six and a half. South Florida for the win. Take the money line.

That's a good bet, guys. South Florida, Moneyline. They're going to play this year. all right what's the next one Georgia Tech at Colorado Georgia Tech by four Colorado Colorado and Money Line

they're going to win number eight Alabama at Florida State Alabama by 13 and a half Florida State with the points ooh what do you mean woo 13 and a half I know Florida State had a garbage last year but you know

what's his name left UCF Miles on helped the offense up at Florida State I think they'll play I think they've got a stud at quarterback yeah no I got no issue I think they can listen I think they can keep it within

two touchdowns of Alabama Alabama's ranked eight god damn it that's such a joke all right I got the Battle of Tigers number nine LSU at number four Clemson Clemson's favored by four yeah

Clemson'll cover I think they'll cover I hate LSU Not the kids, not the college. I hate Baton Rouge. What a, ugh. Yeah. That city is depressing.

I'm telling you, it might be one of the worst spots to perform. I did a, the last time I did a show there, my dogs got covered in sand spurs. Just trying to let them pee. It was like a nice downtown area of grass, like it looked like a park. And then there's like 400 sandspurs in my dogs. Just awful. I don't like the food. It's just because it's so close to New Orleans,

you think how can this place be so many tiers below New Orleans? But it is. Good point. New Orleans is just wonderful. You go to Baton Rouge. You're like, what the fuck? How are these swamp people surviving? Here's the big game.

Archmania, number one, Texas, at number three, Ohio. state OSU favored by a point a half. Texas. Texas will win. Texas might blow them out. Wow. Okay. Virginia Tech at number 13, South Carolina. South Carolina favored by eight. You know, South Carolina, or take, South Carolina

Money Line of Virginia to take the points. Number six, Notre Dame at number 10, Miami. Notre Dame favored by two and a half, Catholics versus the Convicts. Yeah, the U. And they got Georgia's quarterback, right? I think so. Yeah, the U's going to do good this year. TCU at University of North Carolina, Belichick's first game.

TCU is favored by three. It'd be great if UNC just got blown out by like 30 points. That would just be hysterical. But I think, I think UNC will be fine. Biggest spread of the week. BYU, 43 and a half against Portland State. I say fucking tease that line to 90. Make some money.

Didn't the Mormons have some problem last year Or something happened? They had a Jewish quarterback And that was interesting Something happened though With their quarterback I don't remember what it was See, it was pretty interesting

We do a quiz Because I watch college sports I've performed at hundreds of colleges Yet I rarely know where colleges are SMU You guys know where SMU is Texas Yeah

Baylor Where's Baylor? Baylor's in Texas too right Waco I think Yeah, all right, these are easy. James Madison. Do you know where James Madison is? Nope.

Nope, me neither. Anybody know where James Madison is? Virginia. Army. Where's Army located? I have a guess. New Jersey. Where's the Army located?

I'm looking right now. Is it West Point? New York. You guys know where Howard is? D.C.? The Buffaloes. Is that a guess or do you know it? No, I know that, yeah.

You know it? Yep. Yeah. Wait, where is it? D's at D.C. But I didn't know it. I thought it was Philly. Because I always thought that's where Bill Cosby show was from.

But I think that was Austin, New York anyway. Yeah. Doesn't matter. Do you know where Jackson State is? I'm guessing it's outside of Jackson. Mississippi? Mississippi, I'm going to say. You know where Morgan State is.

Morgan State is in, it's got to be the South. I'm going to go. Alabama. Oh, wow, way off. What is it? It's in Baltimore, Maryland. Baltimore, Maryland's what I said. Yeah, you did say that, John.

Let's pivot over the NFL. Dak Prescott predicted that the Cowboys would meet the Rams in the NFC championship. My prediction is Dak CTE is presenting. The Cardinals have better odds to make it to the NFC championship game, and they got a a tiny little fella under center. Oh, a wee little man. That little guy. That guy shouldn't be playing football.

He's so small. Catch him, get your gold. The Cowboys' toughest opponent in the NFC East is that old hunk of driftwood, Jerry Jones. Huh? An absent-minded geriatric refusing to let go of power has never been more on brand for America's team.

What other teams won't make fun of? Hard Knocks? Did you watch Hard Knocks? Knox this year? I did. Oh, I love it. But even Hard Knocks couldn't pull it off, making Buffalo look like someplace you want to live. If I played for Buffalo, I'd self-deport. And even the team knows it's a hard sell. That's why they're constantly allowing their players to race drift cars and drive horses down the highway, anything they can do to distract them from knowing the inevitable, which is losing to the Chiefs by three points.

when it matters. Speaking of depressing, Cleveland, man, they dominated the preseason. Three and O with the six QB rotation. Cleveland's the only team that wishes there were still four preseason games. A win's a win. Big drama in Pittsburgh. Aaron Rogers. Watching him with the Jets was fun, but now I'm a good.

excited for him to destroy Pittsburgh. I'd rather have one of those gross sandwiches with coleslaw and French fries under center. For mayonnaise. I guess it's good that he's still playing. If he wasn't, he'd probably be the U.S. health secretary. By the way, the NFL is basically the W.W.E. at this point.

Oh, the Jets' first team that they play is the Steelers. How did that work out? I mean, it's just ridiculous. But I'm going to watch. I'll watch that game. I wish Aaron Rogers well. I don't, but I hope on the first snap of the game, he gets COVID.

There is a spike happening right now. Go get your boosters. Get your boosters. Carl, Carl, who do you got? Winning it all in college football and the NFL. Well, you heard it here. The UCF Nights and the Miami Dolphins.

Like-minded YouTube. Unbelievable. Boy, I understand. Yeah. You end up looking like your dog and you end up, you know, rooting for your owners. Same teams. Teams. Isn't it weird that I got uncomfortable with calling myself his owner?

That's good for you. That's a good sign. I don't know if it's a good sign. It was growth. Mm-hmm. Hey, speaking to my father-in-law, I should have done this when he was on the phone. I'm going to give you two statements about my father-in-law, and you at home have to guess which one of them is false, okay? Constantly sleeps with all his clothes on, pants, socks, button up, belt, et cetera.

Not talking about taking a nap, talking about going to bed at night with all of his clothes on. socks, pants, belt, shirt. Okay, that's statement one. Statement two, uses his hand to wipe up all the crumbs on the dining room table, like, to get them off, and then eats them. Which one of those is false? Okay, times up, neither one of them. Wow.

Yeah, he does both those things. Okay. Just, now, I don't know if it's all, and it's certainly not, he's not doing this at restaurants. wiping up the crumbs but at home my wife is like oh yeah he would wipe up all the crumbs on her dining room table and then he would eat him

and I've seen him do the clothes thing in person so I seem so uncomfortable it's like you can't wrap your head around it what a guy let's do some plugs we got the toss show store.com we got Eddie Gosling going on tour

We've got me going on tour. Come see me in northern California and San Francisco, Santa Cruz, Monterey. Gonna pop out to jump out to Vegas. I think we're doing some other shows. I think we may head over to Salt Lake City. That'd be fun. But the stuff I said about the Mormons. Sorry about that.

Now before we go, let's make sure that Amanda finds true love. Okay? This is my wife's cousin. We're looking for her to find a husband and a father to her children, which she does not have yet. But let's go. Tick, Tick, fellas. Who do we got today, Eddie? Here we go.

Let's play this guy. Hey, Chris from Philadelphia, first time, long time. Doing laundry right now. It's not a great time. But, yeah, what do you think about Tua this year? Oh, okay. This guy is, why is doing laundry not a good time? He chose the time to call.

What's insane? Yeah, and also, is he even interested in dating my wife's cousin? He's abusing the number. He's just calling to ask me about my thoughts on Tua. Listen, Tua is going to take us to the promised land. All right. So far, this guy is a front runner. Yeah, okay.

He likes sports and he does laundry. Yeah, it's a catch. That's not the worst. See you next week.