Tosh Show - My Guide To Leaving America - Jana Sanchez

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

Daniel consults with relocation coach and expat Jana Sanchez, who started a company to guide Americans through the legal and logistical process of moving abroad after her own experience of leaving Texas for the Netherlands. Join our Patreon for exclusive content: http://patreon.com/toshshow

Let's play a little game of would you rather. Would you rather live in Bulgaria or Mississippi? Bulgaria. All right, that's the end of the game. Nobody wants to live in Mississippi. Nobody. No. No.

Tosh. Tosh Show for show. Welcome to Tosh. I'm Daniel Tosh. Another Tuesday with me. Eddie Gosling. How you doing? I'm doing good, buddy.

Did you guys get to camping in your backyard last weekend? I did. By the way, hold on. This drew some quite a bit of an online chatter I saw. People were saying, oh, there's no way he's actually going to camp, get a tent in his backyard with his family. Well, I did it. Now, a lot of people were saying, you need to get a 10-person tent. I didn't do that either. I got a four-person tent for four people. Okay. And now, granted, two of a of them are small children. But I measured the dimensions of the floor and it was like a dome with the whole top open so I could stare at the stars, not open like a mesh like you can see through. Right. And it was a, the dimensions were bigger than a king bed. So I was like, this is plenty of room for us. And we're just, again, we're just sleeping in the backyard. So I set it up. And then I bought a tiny little tent so I could have a guest house tent for Panda. Panda sleeps in the guest house tent next to us.

I had it perfect. It was nice. And the weather was, it was going to be freezing. You know, low 50s, high 40s in the middle name. But I got a pad, like a mattress pad, not an inflatable, but like a soft pad. And then I put some of the, I put some other pads in there. Then I went and just started grabbing all of our comforters and pillows. And I made it kind of like, like a, what you would think, an Egyptian.

Like a pharaoh. Yeah. Look at you. I was like a fair. It was nice. It was cozy. Now the dues started coming through. Uh-huh.

Yeah. But that was like the top layer was getting damp. We were snug as a bug underneath it. And I got up a couple times. Once with my son to pee. Uh, and once with my wife to pee in the yard. She's just out there squat. We're all just out there squatting in the yard pee in.

Awesome. Now, now Panda's tent was supposed to be a one. to two person, but it barely slept her. She had to sleep at an angle, and then I also made her sleep with Carl inside. So Carl was inside with, with her. And in the morning, I went up to the house and I got some coffee for the ladies. And it was just, it was just a great. My kids were going crazy.

They thought it was the most bizarre thing ever. Like, our house is right there, but we're sleeping out here. Now, my daughter was just like, we got to do this every night. Oh, that's great. We got to do it. Well, anyway, so the people that were concerned that I bought the wrong-sized tent, I feel like the tent I bought was right for my family. It was a good size, felt great. Yeah, it was good.

So I did it. What I did the next day, though, is, oh, this is what I, I have to share this with you because I think it will help people realize that at my core, there still is a glimmer of, of who I once was. Here's what I'm going to let you guys know about the well to do. You're screwed. I mean, all of you. You stand no chance with your kids, just so you know. I went, it wasn't a dinner, but it was catered.

It was the thing for this new school that's going to be opening here. And I don't want to say the name of it because this is going to get me in so much trouble with my wife, which is the only one I care about. and then the community here of people that are going to support this. Not a lot of options out here, but these private schools that these kids go to, most of the private schools from K through 12 are around 35 to 50,000 a year. I don't send my kid to a private school. Okay.

But at some point, I'd like to know what the options are. So we go to this thing, and again, this school, I'm not saying, saying the name of it. It would take you no research to figure it out. It started in Texas. It's been around for a while. And it's like two hours of AI learning. But it's not really two hours because you still have to be there all day long because you have to do their other activities. And like some kids, you know, a 12 year old started a food truck and he's grossing two million a year. The problem is I'm not raising my children to be money motivated. So that doesn't interest me. But what interests me was like, oh, can I just cram their school in a two hours a day and we can show up when we want to?

Versus a public school, if your kid misses a bunch of school, you get a truancy letter, you know, blah, blah, blah. Your kid needs to go. I just want you guys to know how screwed you are because this is what your kids are competing against. These rich assholes. We go to this house that's for sale. The house happens to be $28 million. dollars. Not ocean front either by the way. Okay, whatever. So we're there and everybody's just having you know, cocktails and chatting and they have these kids talking like here's some former graduates

of the school and you can ask them any questions and look what they've accomplished and she's got this thing that's got 80 million views. I'm like, I don't give a shit about any of these things that they're achieved. Oh, look at how, look at how, you know, well-versed they are in everything and literature and how articulate they are. Then they opened it up to questions from the parents that were there. And I couldn't resist. I had to ask questions. This is when you're at your best. I just said, what if you just want to do the two hours a day and then, you know, let your kid come home the rest of the day? And, you know, maybe I want to dip out to Europe for a month and not go to school at all. Is that all fine? But I'll pay the full amount.

By the way, the full amount is 75,000 a year for this school Okay? Okay, oh no, you can't do that You have to be there the whole day I'm like well then quit saying to everybody that's two hours a day It's like all school is just two hours a day If you cut out bathroom breaks walking around the hall Recess and lunch and everything else So it's not two hours day

It's a full day just like any other place All they want to know is like oh your test scores you're just going to keep it. The AI will read your kids' brains and we'll know your kids better than you do. And I'm like, well, I don't want you to know my kids better than me. So maybe I need to spend more time with them. And they're like, well, we've found that most parents, you know, need a break from their kids. I'm like, okay, well, that's a cute little joke for your little pitch, but I enjoy spending time with my kids.

So quit trying to sell me on the fact that you're going to give me more free time away from my children. That's not what I'm after. And then I said to them, I go, well, does the dumbest person, person at your school know that they're the dumbest person? Because they're so big on knowing their rank. There's like a scoreboard at this school. And the answer is they do. But you have to understand the dumbest person at their school is still in the 1% in the entire country, in academics. Okay. Well, if everybody's in the 1%, then no one's in the 1%. Right? I said, has a C student ever graduated from your school? And they're like, well, we don't do grades.

And I'm like, okay, fuckheads. I, I, you know what a C student is. You know what I'm saying. Has somebody in the middle just, that just gets by it. And they're like, oh, no. I'm like, okay. Well, I mean, they don't call the teachers teachers. They call them, I think they call them guides.

I don't like that. Yeah, let's, let's just stick with the same names that we have. We have teachers. Right. And your, your kid's going to go, you know, my eight-year-old's going to take off to San Francisco for a week. Fuck you. You think my kid's going to leave and go on a trip with your guide? I mean, I just can't wait for 20 years to pass so that we can have some stories surface

about some of these guides that were taking these children on trips. It turns out we should have stuck with teachers. And I didn't let it go because then the guy was, you know, kind of, they started coming back at my, they could tell that I wasn't a fan. At one point, Carly grabs my arm. She knows she has to do it strong. She knows that people are going to see it. And she has to go, no more.

She's like, no more. I'm like, all right. And by the way, I was a huge no going in, saw this and was just like, oh, just lit up with glee. Because I finally got to just like rub it into my wife's face. Like, this is where you want to send our artistic kid is to this place. Let him, let him suck the life out of him so he can get up, you know, get his math scores up. move up the leaderboard. And don't get me wrong.

I know the school works. Right. It's going to pump out these kids that are going to become, that are going to get into every great college. But my point in bringing this up to you guys is you stand no chance. If you're a normal person making a normal income, your kids can't compete with these kids. They've just got,

they've got too much. They were going to beat your kids out anyway because these 1% people are always going to just spend whatever money to give their kid the best. education you know it used to be just bribed the school then you throw Lori Laughlin in jail and now parents are scared so like okay fuck it let's just spend the money on our kids education and get these AI nerds to you know erase our kids memories of fun and I was just looking on the room and I was like to watch some of the parents in the questions they ask and just knowing that this is what they want

for their kids I'm like oh man you're a poor kid and And then people are like, well, why are you want to put limitations on your kid? I'm like, I don't. I just don't want his entire world to be consumed by test scores. I certainly don't, this guy's bragging that his eight-year-olds up till one in the morning to pass a test. My kid has never been awake past 9 p.m. in his life. Here's what it costs. So 75,000.

So from K through 12, it's a million dollars, basically. Instead of spending a million dollars, I'm just not going to spend a million dollars and I'm just going to keep the money. And I have two kids, that's $2 million. So I'll just keep $2 million later in life if they want to sue me, I'll settle for $2 million

for not giving them the proper education that they wanted. There you go. By the way, that's another thing. The whole school has 25 people from whatever grade all the way through. So hope you like the other person that's in your grade because you're going to be having play dates with that person

forever. I just, the American education system is screwed up. Fine. Maybe I'll take my kids to another country. Which country? The Netherlands. Enjoy. Don't you store-bought pesticides.

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And the name of her company. She's like an ICE agent if ICE agents relocated you to countries with better work-life balance, free health care, safe walkable cities, strong social safety nets, healthier food, and longer life expectancies. Please welcome relocation consultant

for Americans moving abroad, Jana. Thank you for having me. I'm excited. Is Jana short for anything? No, that's my name, Jana, but it's Jana Lynn. Does anybody call you Janalyn? Yeah, my friends in Texas do. That sounds real. It's redneck.

Now you sound real southern. It's so redneck. Oh, Janal Lynn. Janeline! I like it. Okay. Do you believe in ghosts? I do not believe in ghosts.

Oh, now I trust you to get me out of this country. Can you still vote in America? I can. I just sent in my absentee ballot for the runoff elections in Texas. Oh, Texas. That brings me to this next question. Do you think one of the contributing factors to starting GTFO tours is having grown up in Texas? Well, that's a good question.

It's pretty rough there right now. Well, that's what I'm saying. Well, your fallback career assisted suicide because that's where I would be if I lived in Texas. And people, they love to tell you how great Austin is. Austin hasn't been good since I stopped doing the Velvita Room in 1999. Every time I've been there, they're like, you know, it used to be a lot better. That's how they always talk about it. Oh, you should have been here a decade ago.

That's when it was great. I'm like, is it great? You started out your career in politics and journalism. Tell us just a bit about that chapter of your life. Okay, so I started in politics fundraising here in California, actually. I don't know if you remember Lieutenant Governor Leo McCarthy. I worked for him, and then I got into journalism. I worked at the Baltimore Sun and then Reuters.

And that was all in Europe. I moved to Europe in 1998. And I lived there until 2015. So I came back to the U.S. and then Trump got elected. Did you vote for Trump? Hell no. Okay.

I mean, it's not really my right to ask who you voted for. Oh, I think everybody knows I didn't vote for Trump. I know. What about the second time? So the first time, let's go back a little bit, I really was, really thought you could change things. I believed that democracy was still a thing. in America, and so I ran for Congress. You ran for Congress in a very Republican district in Texas. In Texas, yes. How bad did you lose? I lost by seven points. All the people before me had

lost by 20 points. Hey, take that victory. That's what always bothers me, though, when I'm supposed to get excited about some blue wave, and then it's like, oh, we still lost all of them. Well, we did win a lot of seats that year. None is red as mine, but we did win a lot of seats that year. And it looked like, you know, there might be a chance that we could get back to normality. But I think when Trump won the second time, I gave up all hope. Do you blame women? Maybe white women. Can I say that? You can say that whatever you'd like. Are you a white woman? No, I'm actually not. I'm a Latina. She's a Latina. Now, I know I look like a white woman, but I'm a Latina. I don't know that. You look Latina to me. Okay. Now, my question with blaming women, though,

is Trump's only beaten women when it comes, when it comes down to, you know, the actual, Hillary and Kamala. He's never beaten a man when it comes to running for president. That was our problem. That's a good point. How did you end up in the Netherlands? Okay, so it's the second time I've lived in the Netherlands. I met a Dutchman back in 2000, I think, or 1999, moved to the Netherlands and then married him.

How quickly did you know that you were going to marry this Dutch man? Oh, it took years. And how did he do with the Mexican family? He thinks my family is a little bit crazy. Yeah. Did they embrace him? Yes, they love him. That's great.

I think they like him more than they like me. How many Mexican women do you have in your friend group in the Netherlands? I would say only one, actually. She's a Mexican-American. She's a Latina from Arlington. What is the Latino percentage in the Netherlands? Very, very low. Is it tiny?

Tiny. I think it probably wouldn't even register. And 90% of the people in the United States, the Netherlands can speak English? 93% I think fluently. Yeah, okay. 93% can speak fluently, yet all of their street signs are written in pure gibberish. Can you speak Dutch? I can. How well? I think I'm at least a B1 possibly headed towards B2 level. Do you have to get to a certain level to become a citizen? In theory, you do in reality. When I became a citizen, it was back before a lot of anti-immigrant hysteria that started a few decades ago.

I became a citizen in 2003 in the Netherlands. I really didn't have to speak Dutch, but right after I got my passport, other people did. But you could pass the requirements now? Oh, I could pass it, yeah, yeah, for sure. What made you want to get into human trafficking? It actually sort of happened by accident. I had on my public Facebook page from when I'd run for Congress, I had a lot of people reaching out to me to say, hey, I see you're leaving.

in the country, how can I leave? So I started doing weekly calls on Zoom and on Facebook Live, telling people about different places that were accepting Americans like Costa Rica, Mexico, and it just sort of evolved that people needed a lot of help. Is it hard? It is hard. You've got to have the financial ability, or at least the skills to be able to get a job abroad. You've got to do everything right in terms of getting a visa or getting a second passport. Forty percent of Americans are eligible for a second passport somewhere in the world. And it's like knowing the process and knowing how to do it. A lot of people spend years trying to figure out how to do it without actually ever leaving.

I always watched like House Hunters International. And I know the show is fake and stuff like that, but regardless. I always envied these people that are like, well, you know what? We took our little nest egg and we moved here. And I find it fascinating. But I'm always like, good for them. I'm happy they did that. I don't know that I would have it in me. But at one point, maybe I'll pull the trigger.

GTFO. How did you come up with that name? It's actually the brainchild of my business partner, Bethany Quinn. It was her brand for the coaching that she was doing before. We connected to form GTFO tours. Okay, but it does stand for what I think it stands for. It absolutely stands for that. Is it like a dating app? How does it work for them to use your service? So usually it starts with a call, a consultation. They book a call. They get either Bethany or me. and then we asked them a series of questions. Like, what do you want your life to look like? Do you have children?

Anybody in your family, LGBTQ? You know, are you worried about anything? What are your issues? Were any of your grandparents born anywhere? Do you have access to another passport? And most importantly, how much money do you have and do you need to work? Are you just want to retire? So we go through a series of questions and then we discuss it with them.

Like, okay, well, you know, Italy has a 7% tax rate for retirees who live in small towns in the South. you know, if that's interesting, then we send them to our person in Italy. Let's say you have, you know, again, a Mexican grandparent and your parent and you want to get a Mexican passport, then we would probably say go to Spain if you're a digital nomad or you have passive income. So we just sort of go through all the list of things that they have and things that they want and try to find matchmake them with the right country. And it is it is the case that the Netherlands is often the choice because it's so easy. Basically, American who can start a business and who can afford probably a year's rent up front can go to the Netherlands. Is France a tough one to get the passport for? To get a passport, yes, there are ways. If you want to get a master's degree in France, you can get a passport pretty quickly. I don't want to do that.

Okay, well, that's an option. You can certainly go to France on a long stay visa if you have money, if you've got passive income, or you can start a business in France with about 40,000 euros of investment. What percent of your clients have moved back to the U.S. after leaving? Zero. Zero. They're just not telling you. No, we keep track of everybody.

You're not allowed to do that. Well, we do because they're part of our community. Now, everybody's really happy to be out of America. People are going to get so mad. Don't read the comment section of this podcast. You know, I get a lot of hate online. Oh, you're going to. You get tons of it.

I get it anyway. It does. I'm a person. I get hate too, but it's just, it's so. So crazy when people get so mad about like if you take a swing at America. I also get annoyed with people that don't, why don't you leave if you don't like America, if you're going to shit on it? My argument is no, that's why I live here because I'm free to complain about it.

I don't have an issue with that. If you love something, don't you want to make it better? I don't love it. Oh, you don't love it. No. It's fine. It's where I live. I know I have my routine, my family's here.

it's convenient. I like a lot of things. I don't love pride, all of that stuff. It kind of, it bores me. And I also don't, I'm never prideful of things that I don't have control of. That's not very American. I know. Americans are incredibly proud of their country. And I really think some of that pride is really misplaced. I think that because they don't understand that they're being screwed constantly. Well, I also think it's so weird. The people that are the most prideful live in the places that are the shittiest. Absolutely. Totally agree. Well, you look at a client and go, you know what, you don't have enough money to do this. You shouldn't do it. I don't try to say that. I try to say, okay, with the money that you have and the work potential that you have, this might be a better place than this.

So there is a place really for almost anyone who wants to leave. They just have to arrange it in the right way. They've got to understand which countries you can work in with the skills and the jobs that they have and which countries you can't work in, but they have enough passive income like Social Security. A lot of very poor people, for instance, who are living on Social Security are moving to places like Albania because they can live on a very small Social Security payment. So generally speaking,

there is a way for most Americans to get out if they want. The first year of our business, we had a heavy concentration of parents with LGBTQ children who were really afraid for their children's lives, as well as their futures, having to do active shooter drills and school and all of those things. but especially trans and gender non-binary children were really under threat by the Trump administration.

So in the first year, it was people who were so scared that they were willing to do whatever was required. Now you have a lot of people who are just really not wanting to participate in what's happening here, and they have money, and so they're going to find the safest, most livable place to go. Okay, give me a dollar amount of moving to someplace beautiful. Okay, so that would depend on a lot of things. Okay, are you going to work? get there. So you're just going to retire? Yes. Okay. And you have passive income. Yes. And do you have children? Yes. Do you have a second passport? No. Okay. So then there are places that you could go.

You could probably go to Portugal for, I think it's about 1,200 euros a month income if you have something like Social Security. You can live on that in a small place, not in Lisbon, but you could live there. You could probably go to Spain and also your savings would count towards your passive income level in Spain. Did your savings not count in some places? In some places you need actual income, not savings. Oh, that's interesting. In some places, you need savings.

I mean, you can essentially buy the, okay, they don't call it buying visas. But the gold passports, those things. Exactly. I was going to say, if you have more than a million dollars that you can just give to a government, you can get a passport pretty easily in a couple of places in the world. Can I get a passport in any country? No, almost very few countries. The first thing I would ask you if you came to me would be where were your grandparents born?

Do you have any grandparents born anywhere in Europe? Most people say no. No. Then it's great grandparents. Do you have any great grandparents born any? I got some Irish people somewhere down the Macintosh line. You need to be grandparents for Ireland. I don't want to be in Ireland anyway.

You don't have to be in Ireland. That's the beautiful thing about any EU passport is it basically means you can live anywhere in the EU if you've got one EU passport. So for instance, something that not many Americans know. If you have a Latin American passport, Mexican, I mean, so many Americans are either eligible for Mexican passport or have a Mexican passport or if your parents or grandparents were Puerto Rican, you can go to Spain. And in two years, you can get a Spanish passport. Then you can live anywhere in Europe you want. So there are paths to getting a second passport for probably most Americans. I like this.

If not through dissent, then through naturalization. And Spain is a little bit of a hybrid because it's actually naturalization, but you're getting it because it's sort of like a reparation for colonialism. It's all the places that they colonized, including the Philippines, including Portugal and Brazil, that have this special very fast path to a second passport. My biggest problem is my wife. I'll be clear. Well, I mean, I don't mean to leave it like that. I just where she would want to live versus where I would want to live. Where would she want to live?

Italy, Spain. Italy's great. I spend my winter in Italy. I like Costa Rica. That would be fine for me, but she would never do that. Because it's the same time zone. That's not why. Oh, I just, I don't know.

You just like the nature and all that. Warm weather and surfing. It's easy. I can get back up here if I need to. Yeah, okay. Which countries are the hardest to move to? The English-speaking countries, I would say, for Americans. Probably the English-speaking countries, Scandinavian countries,

countries that you would actually want to live in. Probably that. Which are the hardest? Which are the cheapest countries? to move to? Places like Albania, Portugal, Spain. What are the most expensive countries? Well, probably Switzerland, but again, you can add that to the category of most difficult

countries. The UK, I would say, is very expensive. Ireland is expensive. Which ones are the sexiest? That depends on what you like. If you like warm weather, if you like, you know, cold, shitty weather. You ever relocate people to China? No.

Everyone loves to talk about how they, the Scandinavian countries always have the highest quality of life. But let's pretend for a moment that you're someone who doesn't love smoked fish, shitty weather, or fjords. Where else might you suggest someone who loves the sun and surfing move? Okay, well, first of all, I'd just like to point out that the Netherlands is not Scandinavia. Okay. It's in the ballpark, isn't it?

We do have smoked fish and shitty weather, though. Is the weather bad? I don't love it. I have two big dogs who I brought from Texas, and they're crazy. They're rescue dogs. How was the process for them? Very easy. Yeah, but she crated them under the plane.

I did. And that's scary. They had more space than I had. I don't care. Sometimes the pressure's different down there, I'm told. No, it's just exactly like in the cabin. I don't know. I think sometimes a dead dog comes down the lift to the end.

No, that's not true. It's happened, I'm sure, in the history. That's not true. But anyway, because I have to walk them four times a day, so I spend half my day walking. So I don't spend December or January and a bit of February. in the Netherlands. I go to Italy. Is that how I'm supposed to say it? Am I supposed to say Italy like that? How did I say it? You say it different. Say it again. Italy. Italy. What do you say? Italy. Italy's a little redneck town in Texas. Italy is a country. Fine. Well, I don't say it

right. Listen, there's so many words. I'm from, I graded Florida education. So let's bear with me, please. Why do you think America is the best country in the world? I do not think America is the best country in the world. You have intelligent, well-educated people saying things like, in the richest country in the world, it's not the richest country in the world. Where does that even come from? What about is California the richest state in this country? I think it is the richest state in this country. However, I've been here since Friday. And I have seen so many unhoused people who seem to be suffering from mental illness, who are assaulting people on the street. You've seen this since Friday? I've seen this. and I've only been out a few times.

Okay. So I want to know why you have a society in which no one can provide mental health care to these people and housing and food. Well, I hope that's not directed to me because I certainly don't have the answers. In the Netherlands, it's illegal to be homeless in most cities. It's illegal. So what happens if you're caught panhandling is you are taken to a shelter given housing and clothing and food, and you're given any kind of mental health treatment you need. So you're not allowed to be on the street panhandling and potentially really threatening people.

You know, in Australia, and this might not be true, I don't ever fact check anything that I've learned. It's illegal not to vote. And they have 100% voter turnout. Now, granted, you can vote a lot, I don't know, maybe they can do by phone or something like that. I don't have the answers to this. But I just remember reading that one time and going, well, that makes sense. The voting rate in Holland, in the Netherlands where we just had a major election, was about 70%. So it's not massively higher than the U.S.

Let me talk about the Netherlands for a second. No, we're not all high. No, that's not my question. I don't even care about the Amsterdam part of it. A lot of people always refer to the Netherlands as Holland. It's not the same. Holland is just two provinces in the Netherlands. Correct. However, they do include Amsterdam and Rotterdam and all of the cities you've heard of except for Utreman.

maybe or Eindhoven that most people have heard of. Most of the major cities are in North Holland and South Holland. I live in North Holland. So we just accepted that we just call it Holland? It's okay. It's okay. It's not technically correct. The locals don't frown on us?

No. No. It's okay. All right. That was my only real question that I had. A lot of Americans think we live in Denmark, though. That is not okay. What's the population in the Netherlands?

I'm going to guess first. I'm going to say 15 million. What's your guess, Ed? It's a bit more than that. 8.7. Oh, you went lower. No, it's more. I don't know the exact number, but I feel like it's like 18 million.

Okay. Yeah, it's a small country. Yeah, but geographically, how large is it? Compared to a state. Small, that's very compact, the Netherlands. How in the world do you get by with no good Mexican food? I have good Mexican food. We have, okay, so part of the daft visa for the Netherlands, the reason most Americans are going there,

it's called the Dutch American Friendship Treaty. You can start a business. We have a client who came and started Mexican food delivery business. So he delivers Mexican food every Friday to anybody who wants it. And he's bringing tamales to my house on Friday. Fine. But, like, Pete, we were just on tour recently and I was in Kentucky and we went to a Mexican restaurant. It was disgusting.

I heard that. I listened to that podcast. It's not good. No, it's not good. You have to eat Mexican food in Southern California or Mexico or Texas, I guess. Well, okay, so the Netherlands is very international. So you have a lot of people from all over. The Mexican restaurant in my town is run by a Mexican restaurant.

woman. So, and owned by Mexican woman, it's good. Listen, I can't live without Mexican food. And anytime I'm someplace away, it's the first meal I eat when I get back to America. Totally. I'm like, okay, let me have Mexican food now that I'm in America. I know one time a friend of mine in London asked me, you know, what I was going for dinner. I said, I'm going to this Mexican restaurant. And I also had Mexican food for lunch. And she said, you're having Mexican food twice in a day. I said, I'm Mexican. I just call it food. It's just food.

How are the waffles? The waffles are delicious, but the Dutch do the little thin strope waffles. I don't like those. Have you had fresh ones right off of the grill? I mean, I'm sure I haven't had the best, but if I have a preference. Do you know you're supposed to put it on top of, like you're supposed to have a cup of tea or coffee, and you put the strope waffle on top, and then the caramel melts, and that's what makes it so good. I've never done that.

Nope. You got microwaves? That's a pretty good local. Do you have a microwave? I do. Okay. Yeah, it's also a convection oven. All the appliances add the same?

We don't have a garbage disposal. Oh, why not? Because we have a compost bin, so we just put all the stuff in there and we take it out for everything's recycled. We have four different recycling bins that we have to go out for. Does a truck come weekly? No, they're in these underground bins. So you take them like a block away. You put them in the bin, and then they come and pick up the whole thing.

You take your trash a block away and have to sort it? Put that on your brochure. You can lose a few clients. I'm not going to, I'm not going to. the block. My wife yells at me all the time. Now I got to go out at night. I'll be back in 45 minutes, honey. If you put the compost aside and you took all the recycling, you don't really have much trash. What's a standard house cost to buy in the Netherlands? Your basic run-of-the-mill house that a family of four would like. And then what's like you're a nice-ish one-bedroom apartment cost to rent. I want those two different numbers.

Okay, so I'm going to separate the Ronstadt, which is the most populated area that's Utrecht, Amsterdam, Harlem, Den Haug, and Rotterdam, those are the expensive areas. It's all along the West Coast. In Harlem, I'm the most familiar with that question. A normal, you know, four-bedroom house, be 120 square meters, is probably going to be about 700,000 euros. Amsterdam would be a bit more. If you go outside of the Ronstadt, I've seen people who have bought houses that same size for, like, like 275,000 euros. In Amsterdam, we would advise a minimum of 2,500 euros for a one-bedroom apartment, and you might also have to pay a year's rent in advance, because they don't trust you, because you have no record there, right? But if you go outside of the Rodstadt to places like Eindhoven, Maastricht, Groningen, places like that, and I'm not pronouncing them correctly. Yeah, but still, it's still fun to say the names of the cities. There it's way cheaper. Like you would probably get a one-bedroom apartment for 1,400, 1,400, and a whole house you could rent for a family, 1,800 euros to maybe 2,000 euros a month.

Do the Netherlands leave their kids and strollers outside in the cold? Is that one of the places that do that? I've never heard of that. Yeah, they like leave them outside. Like they go into a restaurant and they have a coffee and the kids are fine. Nobody's going to take a kid. There's some of those countries that do that. I don't think so.

I think you made that. I think the Netherlands does it. Do you ride a bike? I ride a bike. Do you? I do. It's a bit scary because it's not true that you never forget how to ride a bike. You do forget.

Right. And let me tell you something. My son is now into like riding a bike and like jumping and it's like, okay, I'm still cool, dad. I'll ride with you and do some jumps. Falling is just horrible. Yeah. My grandpa fell once on a bike. And then the next time I saw him, he goes, yeah, his dog in the neighborhood chased at me and he wrecked.

Yeah, scary. So he put on his bike, he had a little. container of black pepper and he would he would throw the black pepper at the dog that was chasing just so the dog would start sniffing and and sneezing have a little fit and stop chasing him I think it was relatively humane out of all the things that he did in his life ask the dog you guys got you got all the the free sex workers there huh is that still is that a boo okay you're talking about the red light district the the prostitutes in windows um it's sort of not really allowed. It's a bit frowned upon and they've been trying in Amsterdam to like move the sex

workers to another area. But so far that hasn't really worked out. So they're still there. So they're there. They're there. And they don't get they don't the the authorities don't uh hassle them. You're allowed to go in. I think you're allowed to go in. I mean this is something that you need to handle on day one of the tour if we're first question sir. Man I have a question. Are we going to the red light district in what time? We'll be right back. Can I talk about your personal life for a second? Sure.

You meet this Dutch guy. You had a date for a while or whatever. And then you guys end it? Well, sort of. So we got married in, we moved in together in 2000. We got married in 2001. We were married until 2014. And then we divorced.

Legal divorce? Legal divorce. Did he kick you out of the country? I left the country. I was back in London. And then I went to the U. I came back to the U.S. Okay.

And then we got back together in 2021. And then we remarried in 2023. Don't you think it's insane how someone like you're, you're someone that travels the world that's lived abroad, there's just one guy that you're like, well, this, let's do it again. Well, Dutch people are pretty cool. Have you met a lot of Dutch people? Not a lot. So they're very good looking. I was born in Germany.

Were you? Oh, in the military. Your parents were in the military? No, my parents were missionaries at the time. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't give me a lot of. No, that doesn't help. Helps me in the afterlife.

Okay. I don't know if that counts. I don't know if that passport's valid. First of all, the Dutch are fabulous people. They're very emotionally open. They're very emotionally healthy. They're good looking. And we, in fact, we have a lot of people, a lot of single people come to the Netherlands

because they can come if they're freelance, they start a business, but they meet Dutch people. They fall in love and they can get married or even not get married, and they can get a passport in three years so they can stay again anywhere in Europe. So it's a very attractive place if you're single to go to meet attractive, wonderful partners. Really selling it. I guess I sent panda over there. When people move to a different country, do you tell them to sell all of their shit? Yes. Okay, good. These people that, like when I moved from Germany back to the states as a child, I remember getting these barrels that my parents had shipped over at, like, with all. our stuff, and it came like three months later.

I don't know. Back in the day, things just went by boat. It just horrible. It still goes by boat if you have a lot. And I was like, why is this chair here? Couldn't we just get a different chair? That's exactly what we advise people. All right.

Sell everything. Some people, I mean, you have things that you're emotionally attached to. You have things that are not replaceable. I personally shipped way too much stuff, personal things that I liked, that are still sitting in storage because I have no room for them. You have bright colors, like a lot of Mexican flair? They have Fiestaware. Oh, I love it.

I love it. I collect Fiestaware, and my husband won't let me bring it to the house, so it's sitting in a storage room. He told me not to infect the house with Fiestaware. That alone is a good reason to move abroad, just to cleanse yourself of everything that you own. Yeah, you really have to get rid of everything. And again, we have businesses whose job is to help their business is to help you resettle. So they'll get your IKEA beds, get them all set up, pick you up from the airport with your dogs and your 15 bags or whatever and take you in their van to your house. So you can just start over. It's

cheaper and better. How many different countries have you placed former Americans? So placing is something different. If we tell someone to go, we say the best country for you to go to Spain, then we send them to our partner in Spain. So we only help settle people really in the Netherlands. But we can coach them, we can advise them, we can send them to one of our partners. Are you pushing the Netherlands? Does the Netherlands give you a little kickback? They don't. The Netherlands is the easiest place in the world for Americans to go, I would say. And it's also the nicest place that a lot of Americans can afford to go. And it's a great country. What about Canada? Do you like Canada? It's not that I don't like Canada, but Canada doesn't really want Americans. The first thing that most Americans think of when they think of moving abroad is they think of moving to an English speaking place. So they think Canada, the UK, Ireland, New Zealand, and Australia. And most of those countries don't really want most Americans. If your health, worker, great, go to any of those places. They'll take you. Sometimes they want scientists. You know, sometimes they want passive income people, not many. And they're really hard to go to.

Okay, you brought up something that hits close to home. Like, I have always enjoyed surfing, but like, I don't enjoy surfing in Hawaii because the people that grew up there, the locals that surf there, they don't want people from other places coming. It's not welcoming. Surfers aren't welcoming. So I've always enjoyed surfing in places where the vibe is a little less tense. New Zealand is a good place. Places in Australia can be tense, but there's other places that are less. Regardless, it's how I feel about moving abroad.

I don't want to be like, oh, I hate that this American moved here. I think that's a valid concern. There are a lot of places in the world right now who are kind of overwhelmed with Americans. On a day-to-day basis, probably it doesn't really affect you as an American, but you know that the countries are kind of tired of Americans. coming in and pushing up their housing prices. So I think you do have to think about when you're moving somewhere, am I going to be welcome there? People move abroad to have a better life for their children.

People care about health care so much. And it's in the back of my head all the time. Like, oh, are there good hospitals? I don't do anything. I don't go to doctors. I never need them. But here's the thing. What about your children?

My children don't either. They'll be fine, is what I say. But here's the thing. When you need it, you don't think that I don't love that you see. L.A. and Cedars is a stone throw from where my kids live? Like, I love it. So, okay, but most people are in a situation where even when they're really sick, if they took their kids to one of these great hospitals, how are they going to pay the bill? Even with insurance, people end up with tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars in bills

for medical care. And if you're in Europe, you know, it's not like that. I spend less all year for all of my health care than I spent in two months and Texas, and I never go to the doctor. And, you know, if you have kids, you don't even have to pay the insurance for kids. They're just covered. I spend $4,000 a month. So if you move to the Netherlands, you'd spend $400 euros a month on insurance. Yeah, but is that the same amount? Is that the same amount? Because I don't know the conversion. No, it's like almost 10 times as much. You're spending almost 10 times as much. What is your service charge to evacuate someone from America? It really can vary from just like a few hours of consulting, a few hundred euros. If they want to do everything themselves,

so they just need a bit of guidance to $8,500 if they want full service. And you can do all the paperwork so that we don't have to do anything? If you're coming to the Netherlands, it's really easy. There are sometimes that it's a little more complicated and then we need a lawyer on top of that. But most Americans don't need a lawyer to move to the Netherlands. It's so easy. Please describe who Black Pete is to our audience. Oh, Lord.

Yeah, you've obviously read the David's. Cedaris a bit. Cedaris. You say everything fancier. I'm sorry. You say things fancy. I just don't know. I just don't know.

Okay, fine, go on. Cedaris. Okay. All right. So first of all, Zvartipit is no longer Zvartipete. He's just Pete. Oh. Because a lot of people of color living in the Netherlands were really offended by Zvartipit,

who was either Santa's helper or slave, depending on your perspective. And a lot of people of color were upset. And a lot of white people were like, we've always done it this way. Let's just keep doing it. But they've compromised. And now there is Pete, but he's no longer black. Zvart means black. So he's Santa's like an elf?

He's like an elf. He works for Santa? He works for Santa. And so the debate is, did he get black smoot from going down the chimney or is he a slave? So your perspective. That old debate. So the perspective depends on whether you're black or not, probably, you know. Everybody's on the show.

gets a gift, okay? Okay. But it's just stuff that I have in my house. It's just junk. I just get rid of stuff and I give it to someone else. I'm pretty sure your junk is way better than the stuff I have. No, no, no. First junk I'm giving you is just random euros and other cash that I found in my house.

I see five euros there. Oh, there's a 20 in there. Oh, I'll take it. Oh, for you. Yeah. I don't know. There's some Australia, some clonets in there. I don't know what else there is.

I'll take it. Thank you. Please, take that cash. Thank you so much. Oh, you're welcome. Yeah. Oh, I love it. The next thing I got you, I actually think, is genuinely nay.

Okay. My favorite breakfast burrito by a Mexican lady, and she makes the best hot sauce. Okay. And I worry that you're having a thing in Lily's hot sauce. It's just the best. And you know, you'll figure a way to get that home. I would have to check my bag. Well, let's see.

It might be worth it. This is amazing. Thank you. I do love hot sauce. Well, good. Yes, thank you very much. Put all that on the floor. Okay, put it on the floor.

Okay. This is so bizarre, this gift. I don't know what I'm, people, I have a driveway. I have a gate, okay? And I buzz people in because every day there's Amazon or some other thing. And I had the other day, it was like, oh, we got your groceries. I don't know. I buzz them in.

I don't know if somebody ordered groceries. You got somebody else's groceries. I got somebody else's groceries. I look on it. I don't recognize the name. It's none of my neighbors that I know. I'm like, I try to call. I try to go to the.

app. There's nothing I can do. They're just on, it's just a bag. So I'm like, oh, well, I'll just give you their groceries. Now, I don't know if you're going to need any of this. From Erawan. Oh, that was a lot of money. No, I know. It's, and it's like grain-free matcha granola. I don't want any of the stuff. Okay. Okay. We'll see what you, this is beautiful, I hope you're hungry. Tomato basil, Bisk, you're going to enjoy it. How much do you think this cost? I don't know. What's the bill say? You have the receipt there. It doesn't say. It doesn't say. It doesn't have any. Anything has a name.

If Bette or BT, BTC, I'm sorry. Anyway. Grain free matcha granola. I've never heard of such a thing. No one has. No one has heard of that stuff. You think if it was good stuff that I would eat, I would have kept it. I was like, what is this?

But you mix it with a tomato soup. It's supposed to be amazing. Your husband's going to love whatever you're going to prepare. I don't think I can take that soup back. Okay. Well, just please put it on the floor for the time. Okay. All right, on the floor.

The other day, I go to my. dry cleaner. Mm-hmm. My dry cleaner doesn't, they don't give you, they don't put your dry cleaning in plastic bags. Because they're too fancy. So they give you their own bags.

Wow. And then, and they're large and they can move like a ton of clothes. Okay. Hanging clothes. And then you return them. Oh, but you didn't return them. No.

I went back there today and they were out of business. I'm like, hey, I got these, your bags. And I figure, If you're dealing people relocating, they're going to need some wardrobe bags. Okay, so just go ahead and get. Okay.

Is that it? Listen, that hot sauce you're going to love. I'm excited about the 25 euros. Forget the money. The hot sauce is the winner. What do you miss least about living in America? And then what do you miss most? I miss least Trump and his supporters.

I don't really miss anything about living here. Sad. That's sad for us. We took an L on that one. What would you do if, let's say, Trump chokes on a dry hamburger? We live in hope. Vance is gone.

And all shifts back to a level of normalcy. Would you reconsider the amount of time you spend in America? So I don't believe that things will get to normal for a long time. And I think that these sort of authoritarian regimes tend to last at least 12 years. And I think the damage that they've done to America and to America's position in the world will last a long time, probably after I'm dead, before America might have a chance to recover. If he runs for another term, if he changes some laws and allows himself to run for another term, I would actually like that personally. And then I would like Barack to be like, okay, I'll run again. And then watch what happens.

Oh, that'd be fun. Well, he doesn't even have to change the law. He has the Supreme Court in his back pocket, right? Yeah, he does. We're going to stack those courts eventually. Don't you worry about that? I certainly hope so. Have you ever thought about helping people from the Netherlands move to America?

Because I feel like you might be leaving money on the table. I know you're making a joke. However. It's a little jockey, but there's a really serious answer. The Dutch American Friendship Treaty visa is also available for Dutch people who want to move to America. Do you know how many Dutch people actually want to move to America? How many? Not many.

I don't think any do. We'll stop spreading horrible lies. And my husband tried for like a year and a half to get a visa to live in America. And they did, even though he was married to me and had a job with an, with his Dutch company, but their American office. And he never got the visa. Okay, but he did live here for a while. He didn't. We just went back and forth while he applied for the visa.

He never lived here for any amount of time? No. Where would have you lived? In my house in Fort Worth. He also thinks Fort Worth is a shithole. So. I love Dallas. I don't think it's bad.

And I just lump Fort Worth. Dallas is okay. And Fort Worth is okay. For him, he just thinks it's crazy that you drive 20 minutes to go to the grocery store. I mean, because we walk outside of our door and we have a grocery store 40 feet away. Well, yeah, but to get rid of the trash,

you've got to go another half mile. No, it's like 80 feet. Yeah, thank you for being on the show. I'm going to hit you up. No, for some business. You're going to get me into a country of my choosing. They might know about you.

What's that? They might not let you in. Right. We're going to have to find, I'm going to give you parameters. We're going to have to find a country that wants me. They're happy that I'm there. I'm going to be there for a few months and my children are very nice. Yep.

That's true. That's what I'll be looking for. I don't want to be anywhere for a year anyway. You just want to go on a vacation. No, I want a passport and I want to live there two months a year. Okay. then I already know the place for you. Oh, here we go.

Malta. A million euros. I do love Maltese. A million euros. And you're in. How much? A million euros. Okay.

All right, guys. We're going to do the podcast from Malta. Wow. I'm not paying your million, Eddie. Janet, thank you for being on the show. I appreciate it. Thank you. Okay.

Travel safe. Thank you. Thanks, Janet, for being on the show. And I want to thank the Netherlands for inviting us Americans with open arms. Yeah. That sounds great there. I don't think I'm going to go. But maybe I'll head off to that idly place.

Italy. I'm going to head over to Italy. Maybe you go. She says it different. She knows she says it different. What about you, Carl? What country you want to go to? I want to go to one of those countries where they quarantined my dog for six years.

And I just come and visit him. And then he'll say something like, I don't want you to see me in here, so stop the visiting. Yeah, I don't want you to see. And then maybe one time they like he shoves one of his nipples up against the glass. Oh, Billy. Oh, man. Uh, Patreon.com slash toss show.

Check that out for some unfiltered, unbordered content. My first farewell tour. To say that we're blowing the doors off of other tours, uh, would, would be, uh, a gross understatement. A lot of tours, a lot of summer concerts. I'm reading it constantly. They're canceling because of various. reasons, but the real reason is ticket sales. That would seem to be.

Ticket sales is the only reason artists ever cancel shows. I've said it before. I'll say it again. Am I planning to cancel an entire leg of my tour? Yeah, sure. But I'm not going to. Just know that when you come and the balcony looks extra dark. They're doing some work up there.

Yeah, they're doing construction. We weren't allowed to sell those seats. Toshoshostore.com. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Get some merch. Let's do some music. Oh.

Okay. They love me, they love me not. Let's hear it, Ed. All right, from RG. Andromeda. Regarding Amadeus, Tosh is correct and the guest is mistaken. The scene where they were referring to where she exposes herself to Silaria is not in the theatrical. It caused quite a stir in my house as well when I brought home the director's cut. I appreciate it.

There's somebody that listened to my show, likes the show, and, is confirming that I was correct about the director's cut of Amadeus being softcore porn. Mm-hmm. I knew I was right. All right. Hit me with a love me not. Shwifty 6126. Bro thinks he $300 a ticket, funny?

What does that mean? The tickets are $300? To my stand-up? No. Tickets aren't $300 to my stand-up. Maybe if you're looking like a front row special ticket that's held, but I doubt that, you're probably looking at second hand. If you get tickets, normal section, normal seats at the, right when they go on sale,

it's not even in that ballpark. We're talking double digits, not triple digits. There you go. And I don't think I'm $300 funny. I've been $300 funny occasionally, but that, that I can't guarantee the night of your show. I'll tell you who is $300 funny. Who's that? Cat Williams

Oh yeah Cat Williams Love it That's $300 funny All right Well I'm sorry that that person Doesn't think I'm worth $300 I don't know that I think I'm worth that

You can get cheaper tickets I am worth $89 And under Yep See you next week