Tosh Show - My Oldest Friend - Darin Craig

Episode Date: September 30, 2025

Daniel waxes on with childhood surf buddy Darin Craig about their trips to Costa Rica, board shaping, and life on the Space Coast.

Hey guys, it's me Daniel. Do me a solid. I don't ask for a lot, but like and subscribe to this podcast. Also, you could rate it. Highly, I would appreciate. Maybe even write a review. Maybe we'll become best friends. Everything that I know about surfing probably stems from this man here.

The way I act, the way I'm mean in the water. It's because of this man right here. Pasha! It's a Tosh show Tosh show for show Hello and welcome to Tosh Show How was that, Eddie?

That was pretty good. That sets it up. Yeah. I mean, that really says it. You know that the show has begun. And you're welcoming them. Hello? We welcome you.

We welcome you. Yeah, fucking lady. It's nice to be here. Eddie? Yeah, buddy. Don't give me any spoiler. about the dolphins this season. I'm going to binge watch the season in February.

Okay. I'm positive they're winning. You know, I watched all the things they did in the off season, so they set themselves up for success, and I just can't wait to see it play out. Here's what we do. We watch the entire season, and then I watch the Super Bowl live.

Okay. I like watching YouTube TV. This isn't a plug. Lord knows YouTube, you could do me a solid, you know, manipulate the algorithm, a little better placement here and there okay but i do have a bone to pick with you your tv recording system is great but there's one huge flaw and it's your time bar at the bottom i watch everything after it's happened it's not like the old days where oh it's on for for two and a half

hours and you record that and you extend the recording an extra hour after on youtube tv they just give you however long it is okay right and that's how long the time bar is however long it needs to be exactly the problem with that when you're constantly fast forwarding is you know how much more it's going to be to the end so if it's a close game and you needed to go to overtime you know that overtime's not happening you know you know that there's not going to be a fifth set in tennis, whatever the sport. I can tell when I'm nearing the end who's going to win based on this time bar. Right. So that's a flaw. YouTube, you need to, you need to extend the time bar to a meaningless length so I can't predict the outcomes. This is real. This is a real

problem. But that's a real solution. I don't know if that's the solution, but yes, you can come up with a solution. You know where you wouldn't find that problem? Lipson. these guys get it they're locked in i just had a meeting eddie and you weren't on the call and i'll be honest with you uh you weren't missed i'm not going to add a lot i'm going to sit back and listen you were going to lipson i'm going to libsen lipsin to what we're saying guys um i'm on this call for libsen i don't know that i have to do this call until a day or so before and i you know when when anytime my manager christie or pete tells me that i have to do something i i say fuck off.

That's my immediate response. I don't want to do this. And they're like, no, no, no, this is going to be good. You're just going to do a call with some of their top ad guys and get some face time. And, you know, that'll make them happy. And you can, you know, we're going to get some top tier ads on this show. Well, anyway, the day, the call, I get an email. Like, you're getting ready to join the call.

And my manager tells me who's going to be on the call. usually there's a list of names so that I know who's on the call, you know, because it's a dog and pony show. I know how to turn it up. Anyway, there's 47 people on the call, and I'm like, oh, 47. Yes, so I'm just furious because then there's just faces all over my screen. I'm not good on a Zoom anyway. The call starts, I get a nice intro, and then they're like, take it away.

Now I'm just performing It's a private gig Yeah I'm like what So I you know John's on the call Pete's on the call I do my thing

I do my jokes I get people going I let them know that we're You know we're here to play ball We're excited about their company You know we want to We don't want to sell Nicotine products to children

But we will Oh yeah honestly 100% If you pay us enough I'll force a cigarette in my son's mouth, you know. He's got to learn. I turned it over to John at one point. He's fucking half asleep during the end.

He was like, what? Three kids. He has zero energy. I'm like, John, don't you know how fucking fake it for five seconds in front of these people? I thought I did well. You thought you did well? Yeah. Pete, how poorly did John do when I turned it over to him for five seconds?

He was caught off guard. Of course he's caught off. How do you think I felt? But when I, when there's 40-something people in the call, I got people, everybody's just chiming in from all over the globe. And I'm sure half of them hate me. You don't know. That's the thing. To think everyone's a fan is, you know, narcissism on another level.

That's not where I'm at. But, you know, and by the way, it's one of these Zoom calls where icons are floating up, where people are putting the crying emoji or laughing. Oh, it's good. I'm supposed to feed off that. Did you give them some back some things up? like i'm some 14 year old i'm not feeding off that this that's not gonna help i don't know i don't need your little fucking ah somebody putting an egg plant emoji ha ha that eggplan emoji no no one sent up an eggplant emoji whatever that was it that was your one where you got me to do it do the

little song and dance now going forward let's just let's just have pete and eddy on the call and john can come back when he shows that he can turn it up a notch i just need to You got to prove yourself, John. I just needed some coffee. People are like, well, why do you want to do ads in the first place? Why do you want to sell more ads in the first? It's like, we just got to get to a point where we're making enough money that we want to be here. Yeah.

And we're so close. We're so close, right there. We're on the edge of it. We're on the edge of it. We're on the edge. We're edging. We're all edging. Look who's alive now over here.

John. Yeah, now John's got bids. Where was that during the call? Well, guys, again. There's coffee. That could have gotten us a fucking an ad with Red Bull. Anyway, they're asking me all kinds. What kind of products do you like?

I mean, I don't know. I like to surf, but that's not good because I don't like surfers and I don't want to advertise for surfine. I would advertise for today's guests, my lifelong shaper. Enjoy. Everyone in Tosh Nation loves when I share stories about my body, involuntarily, emptying itself, sometimes in the woods on the side of a highway running down what at the time seems like a never-ending hallway. Well, the content you crave might be over thanks to AG1.

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the gold standard in independent quality and safety certifications. Head to drinkag1.com slash tosh to get a free welcome kit, including a bottle of vitamin D and five AG1 travel packs when you first subscribe, a $76 value. That's drinkag1.com slash tosh. My guest today has helped shaped my guest today has helped shaped my my life. When I was just a kid growing up in Florida, he promised me that if I got into his car, he would take me surfing. Turns out he wasn't a liar and I didn't get molested. Please welcome all the way from my hometown of Titusville, Florida, my surfboard shaper, D.C., Darren Craig. Thank you very much.

There's no one on this show. There's no one that's ever been in this chair that's known me longer. Now, there's been people that have known me better. My wife, for instance, she knows me better. Now, your wife passed away. You're not supposed to laugh when someone says that question. I'm teasing you, Derek. Listen, that was just caught him off guard. All right, hold on. Let me get into this. Let's start the show. Do you believe in ghosts?

No. I bet you do. No way. No, all right. Now, you were originally not from Titusville, Florida. No, I was born in Caleen, Texas. Where's Colleen? It's like kind of in the, like a little bit in the north, like central north, maybe.

What were you doing in the Army base? My dad was in the Army. Is that why you became such a hippie? You just went the opposite way? I guess so. I don't know. Did you ever consider joining the Army? No.

I can't imagine you defending our freedoms. Holy cow. That would be amazing. As a kid from Florida, what got you into surfing? I was probably like five years old, I think. I remember going to the beach for the first. first time with a styrofoam Walgreens board or something and just hours and hours and only getting to my feet one time, like after 40 attempts. And I thought, okay, if I'm, you know, if I want to do it 40

times and fail and then only succeed once, I'm pretty much, you know, I think I like it. I think it's for me. Everything that I know about surfing probably stems from this man here. The way I act, the way I'm mean in the water. It's because of this man right here. Like, Here's, here's, like, little things. Like, when I was a kid, when I was a child, if anybody asked me, they knew that I served today, how was the surf? He'd be like, you don't say it was good. You say, eh, I'm sorry.

Like, you don't want to get more, the goal is to not get more people to surf. His entire business is surfing, yet he never wants anyone to surf. You don't tell anybody. You don't tell them where you went. You don't tell them how good it was the day. And these are things that to this day, I just do instinctively without even. If somebody in the water asks me what time it is, and of course I don't have a watch, you always estimate like an hour later than what you think case they're running late,

they'll get out and leave. It's just nonstop the nonsense that he like forced into my brain as a child. Here's the thing. I've known you since I was 12 years old, so that's 38 years. But at 12, you were, I can't do the math here, but you were 24, 25. Sure. So you seemed like an old man to me then. Yeah.

And so now that I'm an old man, you just have always been just an old man. Yeah. How old are you? 63. 63. Oh, the sun hasn't been kind to you. When did you start going by D.C.? Did you always go by D.C. or was it just the name of your surfboards?

Just the boards. Like when I was in high school, they have that vocational thing and you can have an imaginary job. And so I thought, oh, I'll make surfboards. boards and my buddy drew a little logo and used the DC and that's pretty much where it started. How old were you when you made your first surfboard? Oh, probably 82. So, I mean, I, yeah, I don't know how old I was, but. Is there any chance that board is still in existence? I still got them. You have your original board? Yeah. Oh, that's pretty great. I got like a warehouse with about 80 boards just stuffed in there. Do you have any clue the exact number of boards you've made in your life

from start to finish? No, I quit counting after a while, but probably like, you know, $4,000 somewhere around in there. And you have always been, for people that don't know, a shapers, sometimes shapers just shape the board.

And then off to the glassers to put the fiberglass on. But you from start to finish did every aspect of your company. You made board start, which is also why us kids never got our surfboards on time. Exactly.

You used to tell us four to six weeks, I think, when I was a child. Yeah. That was usually the range. But then you knew that half of us weren't going to ever pay you. Or we were going to, like, draw that out for another five months. But you wanted a shaper that surfed. Right. Did you consider yourself a shaper over a surfer?

It was like, no, no, I'm going to surf first. Yeah, I think I probably surfing came first, and then that was just later. I wanted to make my own boards, you know? It's just cheaper to build your own board, so. It certainly was never a financial decision. Like, I'm going to, I'm going to be a shaper. I'm going to be a famous shaper. You never really cared about the business aspect of it.

No, not really. I would argue, even as a youngster, I was like, oh, this guy hasn't figured out the business side of this. I could, I could up his, but you didn't care about that. Not really. You were a soul surfer. I want a time to go surfing. Let's talk about the money breakdown. Today, an average surfboard cost off the, off a rack at a surf shop.

What do you say? $800? Yeah. You've always been priced wrong. I'll get into that later. Sure. I agree. I'm going to just go back to when we were kids.

You know, it would be around $250. Mm-hmm. $250 for the board. Mm-hmm. And if you did some fancy painting, which you did, you know, you'd tack on a few bucks. By the way, what do you charge for a brand-new surfboard? Right now I'm charging $6.50. Now, let's get to the numbers.

What does it cost you to make that $650? board. The blank is going to be about a hundred bucks. It used to be 40, and then the resin, let's say a gallon is 50 bucks to do one board, and then the glass is another 35. And then if I use FCS or whatever, I have to pay for the fin boxes, those are pretty expensive. The fin boxes are expensive, too? The fin boxes are expensive, yeah. So they're like gouging on both ends, because then we have to buy the fins. Yeah, no, I don't deal in fins anymore because they want to make that back end. They're double-dipping. FCS, once you send me fucking 300 fins. And not the cheap, shitty ones, too. I want the $150 quad sets. Okay, so you're looking at probably, my math is bad, but we forgot a few things.

Yeah. I'm not talking labor. We're talking 200 to 250 to make this board. Right. Fair? Yeah. How many hours does it take you to make a surfboard start to finish? Do you ever figure it out?

No, but it's a lot. You've done everything by hand forever. Yeah. Yeah. Because now some people type in codes into a computer and this 3D printer board comes out. Yep. And to be honest, they're better. They're not better.

But if you get a magic shape, you can recreate it completely. That sounds like a great theory, but so far we've never been able to really nail that down. Like they're all still got to hand finish them. And then the back end, all the laminating, that makes so much. more of what the board really is like it's only half that the shape is only half of it that's what people don't realize so people that that surf like let's start with the top the pros they're going through how many boards are they going through well let's say you know you're a pro when you get 10 boards from your guy how often probably a lot like you know every if you're really really good you're probably

getting like three or four times but let's just say you have 10 they give you 10 you'll go and test them all They're all supposedly the same, and you'll pick maybe one or two out of those 10 that you're going to keep, and you'll give the rest back because they don't work like you want it to. And how long do those boards last, like pros? Oh, no, for like one contest, probably. One contest and done. And they have them, so they're just flying through board. Sure.

Now, I... Too many. When you made me epoxy boards, which I understand was bad for your health, but I'll be honest with you, I actually prefer to epoxy. Yeah. They last so long. That's what I love about them. That's the other problem with the money is do you make this guy a board and it lasted him for eight years and he never comes back to get another one. Okay, so you're, you like Polly because we go through them, they delaminate, they break, they buckle.

Yeah, no, I like it because it's, it's easier for me to build them. It's actually faster. Okay. Epoxy takes longer besides that I'm getting sick. Most people prefer poly boards. Yeah, it seems to be coming back. It really is. I think epoxy's for like small waves.

Oh, well, I like small waves Like, you know, last year in the contest There was one day where it was small And every guy brought out his epoxy board Where are you talking about? What contest? And it was in Europe, I think it was France or something. You said the contest Like I was supposed to fucking know what you're talking about.

The amount of a poison That you've breathed in in your lifetime A lot. What do you think it's done to you? Well, working with epoxy resin You can build up a sensitization to it And I made so many epoxy boards then I definitely got sensitized,

so I really don't mess with the pox. Like, I don't build the whole board. You try desensitized? Like, you don't... No, you get, like, a skin reaction. Like, a Benadryl is what you take for it when you get it, but you just, like, swelling and, like, maybe a skin rash or whatever, something like that.

The amount of sanding, the amount of this that you've done in your life. Wow. By the way, this morning, he's fixed three of my boards at my house. This morning. He was, like, he's just in the garage, just doing... I'm like, You, I have an electric sanders. He's like, I don't use electric sanders.

Just everything is by hand. How, let me feel your fingers. Bring those hands up here. I mean, it's incredible. The amount of work you've done with your hand. That doesn't feel rough. Yeah. Am I the only person that's given you more money than what you charged me for a surfboard?

Oh, for sure. Because I'm like, what are you doing, Darren? I'm like, just here. I try to get boards from you whenever we visit, whether you come. If you come here, I need you to do ding repair. But if I go there, I need to grab a board or two. Yep. That's usually the rule.

That works out. I mean, it turns out Spont giving me a discount as a child has paid off big dividends. Yeah, you bought lots and lots of surfboard. What kind of board are you riding these days? I just made a 6-6, Twin. Oh, you are an old man. Yeah. How many surfboards do you think you've made me in my life?

I know the answer about. Over 20? Ha! No? It's way over. Is it? It's over 50. Is it really?

It's under 100. I saw that one in your. garage. I was like, I didn't remember building it. Yeah, it's because you're high on fumes. I spend hours on the thing and forget about it. The wildfires in 2018, the Wosley fires, they burned down a garage where all I was storing my surfboards and I lost her. And I'll tell you something about those boards that I lost. Most of them I didn't care. But there's two that I feel so bad about. One was a long board

because you fucking would never shape me longboards because it's too much work. It's too big. I love it now. I know, but it's funny. When you were a youngster, you would whine. I didn't want to do it. It's too much. It's a lot.

It is. The other board that I lost in that fire, you made me a proper gun for Hawaii. Yeah. And now a gun is a board that you ride large surfing. Okay? And I happened at the time be dating a girl that grew up on the north shore of Oahu. So I was like, I have to have a real.

gun i'm going to start surfing these waves anyway uh we broke up and then i stopped going to hawaii and i never surfed the board and it was a board that you made me that was unridden wow and that's the board that it to this day it infuriates me that it burned up wow it was a six nine i mean just just pinned out oh it's a big wave board you don't shape boards full time anymore no there's so many choices now there's so many different brands of boards and types. They don't care about a local made board anymore. They really don't care.

Oh, Brevard County. Yeah. I just, I can't believe this. That's disgusting. How many times a week do you think, if there's decent surf, do you surf? If it's good every day, I can go every day. You'll still surf. Your normal surf spot.

Now, when we grew up, we would surf Playa Linda, which is the beach near Kennedy Space Center in Titusville, Florida. It's a 15 to 20 minute drive. But if you're younger than 16 and don't have a car, you had to rely on the older surfers to take us. Yeah, that's the rub. No car, no surf. Yeah.

But you've since quit surfing play, Linda, really? You're more of a new Smyrna Inlet guy. Sure. Is that just because the waves are better, or are you just tired of the riffraff in Titusville? Yeah, both. Did you know Titusville's named after Confederate Colonel Henry Theodore Titus, who won a game of Dominoes?

against Captain Clark Rice to decide who could rename the town. We almost grew up in Riceville. Oh, no. Yeah, I just learned that on a call with the Lipson sales team. Anyway, Billy, you're a hoot. Why don't you go ahead and get us some six-figure ads to read? Now, let's talk about you driving me to the beach when I was a child. Now, did someone drive you to the beach when you were a kid?

Is it normal for surfers to groom grums? Yeah, I think it is in Titusville because we don't have access. to the beach. So you have to have a car. And if your mom and dad aren't going to take you and drop you off 15 miles away in the middle of nowhere, you kind of need someone to take you. Did you ever think it was weird taking children? Not really. But here's the honest thing. You say, oh, well, times were different. Right. They're not. Because I live in a community where, like, I have children friends that surf and now they're in their 20s

but when I first moved here they were they were 12, 13, 14 they would walk down to the beach but the hills to get home sure they would always say hey can I jump in with you now I always felt you're like oh man am I letting a child ride with me this is a liability but

I always felt since it was a golf cart in its open air they can jump out they can jump but you're less likely to get molested in a golf cart And now, as a kid in Titusville, we're always trying to get, like, sponsored by D.C., like, get on his team. And that gave you a discount of maybe 8%. I don't know. A board discount is all you're going to go.

It was garbage. But none of us were worth it to begin with. Right. Could you tell that none of these kids were going to be professional surfers? I guess. I wasn't really judging to see if they were going to be pros, but you can definitely, I mean, I can spot if they're going to be good or not for sure. Definitely. I don't, I feel like our class was weak.

Yeah, no, I don't remember anyone but you, really. Yeah. That's the thing, like, I'm just there every summer and there's a new crop of kids every year. Are you still hanging out with 15-year-olds? I guess so, at the beach sometimes. That's the weird thing about surfing. People are always like, oh, do you want your kids to surf?

And I go, not really. I want them to love the ocean and respect the ocean, but do I care if they surf? Not at all. Because it's the only sport. where a 12-year-old is hanging out with a 63-year-old and listening to your views all day. And I've listened to your views for 38 years,

and I'll be honest with you, it's had a negative effect. Part of my routine, once I got 16 and stuff, going out at night, revolved around, you know, we would go to Taco Bell. The other one was to drive by your factory at night and hope that you were working so that we would pop in and, you know, watch them shape for.

a little bit. And I'd be in there like 9, 30, 10 o'clock working and stuff. Yeah. Explain to me how you end up bringing me on a surf trip to Costa Rica when I was a minor without it sounding weird. I think you asked to go. I'm not really sure. So my first out-of-the-country surf trip was with this man. Did my parents make you talk to them first? We did. I remember going to go. I remember to your house. Like, what were they going to do? Like, are you going to touch his penis? I just remember, I remember not really. I was like, I have to go meet your parents? What?

Did I tell you that? Oh, sorry. Well, thank you for doing it. Oh, that's a thing. Like, I didn't, I mean, I wasn't even thinking that far ahead. I was like, yeah, we're going. You know who else was a great influence on me, but did bad things? Dave Leskey.

Okay. Not bad things to me physically. That, but that seems, Dave's going to me like, what? Dave would, uh, one of the sweetest men, you know, from my childhood. He would call the school and check me. out. Wow. And he did it to a point sometimes where I didn't even know it was happening. And I would just get a call that like your dad's here to pick you up, Daniel, and I would just leave. And Dave would be out in his lowrider pickup truck. He's like, there's waves. And I'm like, this, this, this 20 year olds

just checked me out of school. Yeah, that sounds right. That sounds like Dave. That was amazing. We should call my mom, though, because she, she, I want to know why she let me leave the country. Let's see if she answer. Let's see if Margo has an answer for this nonsense. Hey, I have a question for you. Okay, I'm at the podcast right now interviewing Darren Craig. Oh, yeah. And we were just talking, you want to say hi to him? Hi, Darren. Hi, how are you? You sound a little sick. How's your voice? What's wrong with that? No, we're up in North Carolina, but no, I got a cold. You haven't had it cold in years. Yeah, you never get sick. I know.

Seemed like he gets sick a lot. Question, why did you let Darren take me out of the country when I was a minor to Costa Rica? Go ahead, explain yourself. I guess I trusted him that you were going to serve. What did you, did you, he remembers, and I remember this too, that he had to come over to our house and talk to you and dad before the trip. I don't remember that. That doesn't mean that didn't happen. No, it happened.

But what kind of question do you think you asked that gave you comfort to say, all right, leave the country? kid. I don't know. I don't think it was like that. We just talked. Like, hey. I know. I just, I just they had it. Like, I would never let some man take my son out of the country. There's just no chance. Yeah. That's pretty much, yeah.

I guess we trusted you. You trusted me? You and Darren. All right, that's good. All right, that's good. That's all we wanted. Well, thank you. Nothing bad happened, but I was scared. And I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell, you just listen to the podcast and you'll learn why.

All right. Okay. Love you. Bye. Here's how long ago that trip was. Do you know that on that flight, we sat in the smoking section because it was cheaper. I didn't we drive all the way to Miami for that thing, too? I couldn't remember another thing my parents shouldn't have allowed it.

To save $60 or something ridiculous. So I had no money. Do you remember that all my beef jerky got stolen? No, but you had a ton of it. I stored it because I was going to survive off of it. And they got into my bag Somebody at the airport Oh, in the airport

No, so I didn't have any money I went to Costa Rica for like We were there for weeks And I didn't have money to stay In a hotel or anything So I would have to like camp out Some nights near I remember that

But you made me camp out with who should have been My parents should have worried about Fucking weird George guy That you brought Yeah, that's the one And that guy wore fishnet panties to bed I remember that too That was the scariest thing ever

He had like sexy boy It doesn't this doesn't this is just me as a child We're up near Playa Negra And I would camp illegally And you know finally I was like telling Darren I was like hey man Because he had he had his girlfriend And they were in a nice hotel

And by the way these are off-season rentals This was back when hotels In Costa Rica on beaches Were 25 bucks a night Yep exactly And so then finally I was like I'll just let me sleep in your hammock outside of your room and then then even one night let me sleep on like

the floor in his room because I was so scared of being I have I have a photo of me in my tent I had a disposable camera I took a photo of myself and I took the photo because I was like this is going to be the last photo of me alive because there'd be people with machetes fucking patrol on the lands that we were illegally staying on yeah actually they were probably watching over you That's what they were really doing. Yeah, I know. They were really sweet. The people in Costa Rica are so sweet.

Although that one guy, remember he stole my sunglasses and you busted him because he said the word Rosa and I hadn't said. He said, Rojo red. He said Rojo. And you just grabbed that kid and go, he didn't tell you what color they were. And Darren solved the mystery. We had to go to the bar to find him. Remember? He broke in our car.

By the way, they would make me, because I was a child, get out and wade through. rivers that we were going to drive through, wait for it. Hold on. There's tons of crocodiles everywhere. Crocodiles, not fucking Florida alligators that are pussies. Crocodiles that will just hunt you. They'd make me wade through to make sure that the truck, it wouldn't get too deep and the truck could get through. And then when we would inevitably get stuck, you'd have to pay some local farmer to get his ox to drag us out for like 10 stickers and a t-shirt. This was my childhood. I always loved that while I didn't make it in surfing,

I excelled in dick jokes, but I ended up in a neighborhood in Los Angeles where Kelly Slater and Stephanie Gilmore, the greatest male and female server, both had a place. That's crazy. If this is their backyard, I did something right. Yeah, that's crazy.

Because everything in my comedy career was still kind of geared towards surfing. Mm-hmm. People are like, when you're a comic, you can move to New York or L.A. And some people think New York was a little more pure for straight-up stand-up, because I didn't care about acting. Right. But I'm like, I want to be on the beach.

Yeah. I got, it's just a, and I know you can surf in New York, but let's be honest. Those fucking surfers are weird. Yeah, I don't want to serve that. And when I first moved out here and I was struggling, you came out and visited me, and I brought you to Leo Carrillo for the first time. Oh, that was so fun. I'm like, look at this right point.

It's the best wave ever. I still think about. that trip that was so fun that again my first like point break i mean it's not even really a point break it's really just a reef break that breaks completely like a wave pool but it just yeah it peels off perfectly no the kelp i remember the kelp was perplexing i was like how that's that low tide it high tide the kelp disappears i didn't know i didn't know the areas very well back then i still take i take pierre to leo every now and then when i know that we we can uh you know do a little strike mission with nobody uh on it that's the worst part about surfing let's be clear servers you've

Kind of always agreed with me that I'm like, I've always distanced myself from the surfers. Yes. They're just a weird, bizarre group of folks. Agreed. There's such a stereotype around. You were famously in our circle of surfers in central Florida, attacked by a great white shark. Now, it wasn't a great white. What bit you?

I would say it was a black tip from what I could see. Black tip? You were attacked. What year was this? 91. The Halloween swell. You remember it, Eddie. Who doesn't remember the Halloween

of 91? In central Florida? How many people were in the water? Zero people. I was all alone. Relive that moment. It was before 7 a.m. It was going off perfect

and I paddled out all by myself. It was a north swell so the lefts were marching down so I was paddling upstream to try to, I saw one coming. I think the shark was kind of following me. As soon as I turned to catch it, it grabbed my hand.

I didn't really know what it was, You feel the pressure and you think, okay, if I get my hand out of whatever this is, this is going to be some damage. So you didn't yank it? No, it felt like I put my hand in a vice, and then, you know, you start to pull back and there's weight on there, and then he just opened his mouth and let it go, right? So I looked at my hand, I could see the gaps in the back of my hand, like blood and on the bottom here, and I just grabbed my wrist.

Uh-huh. And still the wave is there, so I still frogged in and poked and caught the wave. You didn't stand up? No, I bellied to the beach. you pussy. It looked like I had a broken wrist because the tendons were severed, so my wrist was just hangling like this. In hindsight, should have you rode that wave?

No, I was freaking out. Oh, man. I was like, no. I know. Listen, this made news. This was in the paper? It was the first one or two days of the swell, and all I thought about was like, I'm done. I don't get to surf the rest of the whole swell. Did you ever think you were going to bleed out on the beach and die?

No. Did you do a tourniquet? No. Did you call the ambulance? Nope. You drove to my mom's hospital. Yeah. I was paddling to catch the wave, and Thaddeus and Crane Dog came up on top of the boardwalk, and they were watching me. Does everyone have stupid names? Yes. Crane Dog. And they saw me getting bit, and they said it looked like I was doing disco moves. Like, I'm paling for a wave, and all of a sudden I'm going like, huh? Wait, wait, did they drive you to the hospital?

Yeah. Okay, so you were driven to the hospital, and were you going, this is bad? Because that's a long drive, that's 20 minutes minimum to the hospital. No, we went, it was, again, there was no traffic then. We were there in, like, like, 15? Like five, ten minutes. You weren't there in five minutes. We went 100 miles an hour all the way back. Uh-huh. So I rolled up, you have control points for bleeding under your armpits.

Okay. You roll up a pair of... How do you know this? Because I took first aid. Jesus. Okay, so what do you do? I took a pair of trunks, baggies. Roll them up, you put it on your arm, you just let your natural arm pressure hold it, and it

controls the whole arm. So, yeah, I wrapped a white towel around my hand. When I got to the hospital, there was no blood on the towel. Completely under control bleeding. So this was your right hand. And as you know, he is right-handed. He is a natural foot surfer. Big problem.

This is a big problem for a shaper. Everybody in the world that was in the queue for new boards was like, fuck, we're going to get these wacky-shaped left-handed boards for the next six months. We all fucking talked about it and we all hated it. But it felt normal. I swear. I'm sure. It felt normal to you.

You still want to. your money, but we were getting these fucking janky boards. No way. It's in my mind. I see it and I don't, you know, I just have to carve it out left and right hand, it doesn't matter. One thing is surfing of Florida. There's currents in Florida

and sometimes the waves can be good, but since it's a straight line the whole coast, you just drift. You would have one car drive us 10 miles up the beach and we'd start surfing and then the other car would be like be in a different city.

and you're like, oh, we're going to start at second light, and you pick me up at Spanish House. Drift all the way down. R.C. You ever surfed R.C? No. That place, I had one of my worst surfing accidents. I split my head open.

Oh, man. I remember just pouring bloodheads bleed. So it was it had hair that was over, like the rock had just chopped hair off. Wow. So I had this big, huge gash. Yeah. I got to shore.

it was rough got to shore just pouring a hotel guest flocking to me then a hotel employee and I just can remember the hotel employee saying don't use don't use the towels and I'm like mother fuck it's a ramada you're a fucking $4 an hour employee and you care about the towels anyway my sister lived down in Indylanic at the time and I remember going to her house afterwards And she didn't take me to the hospital. She says, I can tape it up. And she's like, you just take a nap. Which is, no.

Right, so I just went to sleep on her floor for three hours, concussed. Yeah, that's not how you do it. Yeah, well, we didn't know about putting towels under our armpits and pinching the nerves. During's first aid class. Okay, as a child, you know, you'd spend all day at the beach, just sun up to sundown. And one of the old man locals that we used to all hang out with. and he would cook for all of us, his rat dog. Yeah.

Rat, now, whatever happened to rat dog? George lives in a Luthera, Bahamas. Okay, so he's not dead. Nope. He was, he was, and I can overspeak. I was a child at the time that I knew him. He was an alcoholic. Oh, yeah.

Just, just sloshed beyond belief every day of his life. Yeah. And yet he would cook a grill in the parking lot for, and you have to understand where we served at Play Linda, there was no stores, there's no nothing out there. It's all, you know, NASA, National Park, et cetera. So he would just grill food for all the kids, and we would just get to eat. And he was just the sweetest man.

And then he would surf a little bit, but usually he was too drunk to paddle out. Yeah. But he lives in the Bahamas, and he's not dead. Nope. Is he still drinking? No, I heard he's not drinking anymore, but he is, like, addicted to the energy drinks, and he complains that it makes his stomach hurt. How old is he?

Oh, my God, he's probably, he's probably 70-something, I'm sure. He's in his 70s. Oh, well, rat dog, I'm sure you're a listener. I had fun memories of you of being a sweet person. I actually took him to Puerto Rico one time, and he was drunk the whole time, and it was pretty fun. Like, it was a good trip just because he was, you know, how he is. I took you later in life when I was an adult to Puerto Rico once to do, I did a corporate

show for Viacom. Yep. It went horribly wrong, but we tried to surf, but the waves were garbage for most of the trip. I remember that, because you got the lady's name wrong, remember them? Yes, I do. And then we were in the hallway, and she came up to you, and she's like, oh, she said something, like, oh, you're fired or something. And I laughed, and no one else laughed because they were afraid to laugh because she was, like, their boss. She was the head of Icom at the time.

Yeah, and I'm the only one laughing, like, ha, ha, ha, you're like, oh, shit. What is wrong with the world of surfing? How long do I have, huh? Oh, my gosh. Yeah. crazy. It's the pro tour is just like, I can't watch it. Pro surfing is obnoxious. I can't watch it.

I don't watch it either. It's terrible. I've never cared about it as a kid, but no, as an adult, it's just complete garbage. I just watched it a little bit because like the championship and, I mean, I used to judge contest so I know how to score the guys and immediately the first ride, they underscored him and I'm just like, oh, like, you know, I can't handle it. So,

the one thing that's amazing about surfing today versus in the 90s, early 90s, 80s is now people just ride crazy boards, meaning you used to have to only ride a pro surfboard. Sure. You had to conform. And if you weren't good, a pro surfboard is close to impossible to ride. Yeah. But now there's just fishes and everybody ride just all kinds of length and volume is so much

different. I think it's great. Yeah. Everybody can ride everything. By the way, you guys might not know this about Darren. You see him sitting here with the shirt on and you think, oh, he's just being silly. But might be our biggest fan. Every single week after an episode aired, not like days later.

Right. It drops at 6.30 West Coast. I get a text at 7.30 and Darren either mocking something that we said or blah, blah, blah. I, you really have. I love that. That's my favorite thing to do. It's like I'm there. It's like a conversation that I'm part of.

Oh, no. This is, this is signs of depression, Darren. I'm just now in your life every week. Pasha! You're the first guest we've ever had on this show that Pete reaches out to. And then there's, you start saying, this is what I want for my gift I like it

he already like knows the routine but everybody on the show gets a gift as you know it's just stuff around the house this is a hat for my birthday party oh perfect tosh point 50 look at that thing you're gonna love that hat oh my god here's another hat that I don't wear

I thought you'd like this one yes sir millennium surfboard phone no he gave me that hat let me have that hat back you gave me this hat he goes he goes this is the company that he works for now the foam for the surfboards yeah yeah you wear this hat all the time the auto yeah there's a good ones now this next gift that i'm going to give you okay you might be insulted sure because you're an artist forget the fact that you actually paint and design boards but your original logo that you had for dc uh boards

i was always like it's okay yeah then one time i was going to put a different logo on and you made me a board and you didn't put a logo your logo on at all. I'm like, oh, no, I insulted him and he didn't put a logo on. But some people, some surfers like, hey, I don't want a logo because I surf at a break where they vibe out somebody that's not riding a board from this specific area, which I think it's fucking stupid. Yeah. I love that when I surf these waves here in Malibu, it's like I'm on all Florida boards.

Wow. They're like, yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm the king of gutless surf Let's have a board That can go quick through this stuff That's not the point Then you switched your logo And I didn't

The new logo, I'm like, oh, I don't love it I love it less I liked the old logo more The first one was really big, right? Well, whatever. Now the one looks like fucking Batman. You're right, it does. Okay, so I didn't love it.

So I asked the guys And I go, hey, I want you guys to, let's create a new logo for Darren and give it to him as a gift. Nice. And if he likes it, great. And if he's insulted, like, because you being a shaper is much like me being a comedian in that I couldn't listen to anybody tell me what to do. So, like, I found a job where I can just do wherever the fuck I wanted. Right. And I think that's very true for you.

Sure. You're heavily opinionated. Usually your opinions are wrong. Exactly. We're basically the same person. Anyway, so the guys, we all came up with some logos. I'm going to show them to you. I can't wait.

I'm excited. Okay. Now, the first one, it's not my favorite. This looks too much like the DC shoe logo for me. Yeah, it does. And so I don't like it. But anyway, you're going to keep all these anyway. Okay.

This one I just flat out fucking hate. I don't know which one of the guys came up with that one. Wow. But I fucking hate it. Yeah. That is ugly. That is hitting. You should be fucking beat up.

Without the way. It would be okay. So those are the two logos. Did you hate both those logos? Yeah. You notice that Darren has taken everything off the desk immediately. He refuses to let me do my bit. Okay, this one's not bad, but I think it's more of a T-shirt, not a logo on a board.

That looks like an air-conditioning company logo. Okay. Well, you got to take away the blue bit. I mean, overall, it's got some stuff that I don't hate. Yeah, it's got all the aspects of palm tree, the way. Here's the, this is the winner, though. This is the one I like. Whoa.

That's pretty cool. I like it. Yeah. That's good. That's good. It's good. Who did this one, Ed? That's a John.

Who? Me. John. John, you're the winner on that one. Yeah, that looks good. But this, this, whatever, whatever we have to do. That's, yeah. The whole reason when I drew my new one is I wanted it to be symmetrical, because when you put it on the board, it's nice if it's symmetrical.

It looks like my kid drew it. Yeah, well, I did. No, how that explains it. Oh, yes. No way. No way. I love, I need this. I totally need this.

Did you pour the concrete yourself? Yes, I poured the concrete myself. Is I'm kidding me? He's a handyman. These are, this is basically what surfboards, what shapers make the boards are and fixed dings on. But I got to put some cloth in there. But yeah, I poured the concrete myself.

And then I'm like, what am I doing? I don't want this in my house. These have had. I've had these for years. Yeah, yeah. I go, I'm not doing my own ding repair. I make you do it. And I'm like, I don't need these.

I'm like, get these out of here. So then I'm like, I'm like, well, he's never going to take these back to Florida. Yeah. I'm like, well, whatever. He'll have his, uh, he'll have him permanently here for his little West Coast bay. Custom racks here. That's perfect. That is perfect.

Don't drag them. Don't go out high. Scrass the thing. Oh, my gosh. Did I pour too much concrete? Don't break your knees either. That's a perfect spot. Yeah, I'm getting cramps in my legs.

Don't drag it Jesus Oh fuck Oh look what you just did That's big Darren Oh it goes away Look at it

Luckily he can buffing No that's not coming out He can barely see it Oh no That is not buffing out That is not Have them sand it out Good gosh

Darren's staying here with me He's staying in the airstream guys He says Scott did great work But I'm bringing Scott back Guess what he's gonna build for me now Pig House Pig house Making sure the pig sleeps outside

So we're gonna build him a proper house in his pen We're not even done with the gifts Oh my God Oh the final gift Here you go Wow Okay Oh my gosh

This now let me tell you something No way Let me tell you about this one wheel This got a nice handle Yeah hold that to carry it This is a one wheel You know People ride

This thing goes 25 miles an hour Something obnoxious Are you kidding Yeah yeah They self-balanced But the real reason I have this is I went at a weird time

last minute the Palm Springs Surf Club invited me to their wave pool and we went there and surfed but there was no one there. The park was closed everything was closed but they were shooting a one wheel commercial there right before we got there and apparently the guys stuck around and they watched me surf

me and a couple of my buddies surf and then they wrote me this real thoughtful thing, like, hey, we saw you, uh, you know, whatever. I'm not going to toot my own horn. They go, we sent you a one wheel. Okay, that's nice. Uh, except for the fact that I don't like it. It scares me.

Yeah. So, anyway, I get out of the box. My son freaks out. He's like, oh, he's like, dad, take me on it. So my very first ride on it, I lift my son up and, uh, am riding him around on it. And guess what? I'm, I'm competent. We're going around.

and then I try to get off and there's like you have to like move your foot off the sensory pad but anyway I zipped my son and I both concussed in my driveway and this the wheel spinning I didn't have socks on just burned my my ankle and I'm just like I'm in pain and we're both lying bleeding in my driveway and I go I go I'm an idiot I'm the worst dad in the world why did I what was I thinking anyway so I was like that was my last run But I figure you'll love it Yeah, I'll probably have the same result No, no, no. You're not picking up

your 21-year-old daughter and riding her around on this. This thing is so him. Besides not getting vaccines and surfing, what else is there to do in Florida? I don't know, not much, really. You still love your state of Florida? Yeah, it's fine. It's okay.

Would you consider yourself Florida, man? I guess. Probably sometimes, I'm sure. Were you ever a redneck? I didn't know, you didn't, you weren't like always wanting to go fish constantly. I mean, I did hang out with a lot of them. Of course you did, we all did. Because that's all there was.

It's a MAGA country down there. How did you stay so open-minded in a, just in a town of nothing but ultra-maga monsters? I think about that. I know how? From a young kid, I just, how? I mean, if I'm being honest, yeah. Your mom. Okay.

Your mom just, your mom's, has that open-mindedness to life. That is probably, that's kind of, I think, where I was going. When I was a kid, there was that kind of, like, my parents weren't that oppressively kind of thing. And it was like, oh, okay, you can do what you want. It's okay. But now, do you notice a shift in that world down there in Titusville where it's like, yeah, that's pretty bad. Right? Yeah, it's terrible. How can people actually order a D.C. Surfboard? Is there a way? Not really. There's not. No, there's not. You have to know you. You have to find you? Pretty much. You have to find you in person. And then,

And you'll be like, yeah, okay, I'll get you aboard. Yeah, that's a problem. Should we create a website for you? You don't want that? Just a contact page? I've thought about it, but I don't really think I want it. I don't know. I'm just giving you a platform now to, like, potentially get some business.

Anybody in Florida should head on over to Titusville and I guess just go to your house. Let's go ahead and give out your address. You're on Kokina still? No, I'm not there anymore. No longer. Was that one of your streets? That was my street. Yeah, I used to live there.

What was it called? Kokeena. I knew where he lived. I knew right where he lived. I mean, you guys say that's not impressive, but I mean, that you're talking. No, he remembered. 30 years ago. Yeah, you remember a lot. Okay. Thanks for being here, Darren. Yes, sir. Thank you very much. to me. Yeah. He'll be at my house for a few days. Love it. How come you don't like Darren very much, do you? You growl at him constantly. You're going to bite him? He's already been bit by a shark. You can take a chunk out of his other hand.

He's already done the ding repair. I don't care if he can't paddle. Hey, you're on my shit list anyway. Carl, for the most part, has a, uh, just a strong rock solid stomach. You know, he cleans up after my children.

every day so I know he's eating scraps that he shouldn't be eating but but he's he's regular nice solid BMs but the other night in the middle of the night he started to reg bo you know that and and I know that I've got three to four seconds and I jump out of I can wake up immediately I usher him either outside or into the bathroom where there's tile because I have a nice white rug under my bed and I get it. He's like, oh, it falls alarm. I'm like, okay, can I go back to bed?

I already get up four times a night to pee, and then what inevitably if the kid needs something or somebody has a bad dream. Okay, so back down. I jump out of bed again, 30 minutes later, put him outside this time. But he whines, he wants to get back into a spot where he sleeps. Carl, lit up. You don't want to hear this.

Finally, he gets back in his spot, he settles. And what is it? Pow. Floods, vomits. Everything from his innards out onto a beautiful, beautiful white rug. Now, it's a big white rug. I'd say it's 15 by 20, maybe. That's the dimensions.

It's big. Yeah. Is it six figures? No. Is it mid five figures? Yes. Oh, wow. it's a it's a real rug okay i i'm sorry that's a nice floor it's a nice rug whatever puke's all over it

it's so bad it's four 10 in the morning when this happens and you have to be patient to clean that out of rug you can't just go quickly so i carly has to get up this is when carly i fucking don't want a dog like rears its ugly head and I'm shoveling it uh into a trash can lightly with a kid's toy shovel from the shower that they used to play with so I'm shoveling the the vomit into a thing and then she begins the process of spraying light damp spray light damp like doesn't use any water no blotting yet to get it to perfect it's it's almost like making a surfboard or doing ding repair where like i just want to take a power sander and go fucking and and you know problem fixed where you it needs to take time you have to take layers off slowly and and well whatever

we're up for an hour throwing away you know rags and she's getting it clean carl's outside the whole time yeah get it clean sun's starting to come up it's 515 530 now i go out on the I find four or five more spots of throw-up. Fucking Carl's as happy as can be. Wanted to play. I'm just like, motherfucker. He just ruined my whole night. Just exhausted.

What did you eat? What caused you to puke that night? Huh? Nothing? You don't remember what it was? No. That was my night. It was a lot.

We got some plugs. Eddie and I doing stand-up. Check out his tour. Check out my tour. San Francisco. Montereg. Santa Cruz. Hey, I got another show going on sale, don't I? Oh, oh, yes. Thunder Valley Casino. Carl, we've never been outside of Sacramento. We'll go up to Tahoe. We'll head over there to Thunder Valley Casino Resort.

You think they got a spa? You know they do. It's in Lincoln, California. You ever heard of Lincoln, California? Have not. Me neither. Can't wait to be there. You're going to be there. You're going to be there. be there with me, Eddie. I'm looking forward to it. Uh, so that's a plug for Thunder Valley Casino Resort. Is my house sold in Tahoe yet? Who knows? Check it out.

Buy it. That'll be cool. Uh, let's get to the part of the show. We need to name this segment. I know originally I was like, like, become a member of my family to date my wife's cousin Amanda, who we call panda, who my kids call paw, which is always confusing when people hear kids yelling, paw, paw, paw, because. People think that there's like an old man.

I mean, no, no, it's this lesbian over here. Oh, no, it's her. Hey, y'all. Let's hear the first one. Here you go. Hey, yeah, this is Rubin from SoCal. I'm an escape artist. Okay, no, please.

He's an escape artist? That's his job. He's an escape, is it occupation? First of all, he called it SoCal. That right there's a deal breaker. Yeah. No chance. he's not i don't want him to be my family although that is funny to have an escape artist

yeah as a family member that in i don't but i didn't like why do people sound so old on the phone no one's leaving voice messages that make me think oh that that guy's young and young and fun yeah okay let's hear the next one hey amanda my name is colby like the cheese um five foot 10 200 pounds. I grew up in a small town in Idaho. My aunt and uncle had about 25 head of Arabian horses. So I grew up around those things and all their shit. I am a heavy equipment construction contractor. I have traveled the world. In fact, I once rode horses on the Inca trails in the Andes Mountains in Peru. How old is this mother-form? 47 years old, and I didn't vote.

Ah! What was his name? Colby? Colby. Like the cheese? Like the cheese. Oh, I'm the... I came around on Colby.

Taking a lot of boxes. He's kind of funny. Well, he called back. We got another message. Another message from Colby. Like the cheese. Let's hear it. Hey, Amanda.

This is Colby. Like the cheese. From yesterday. Huh. Uh, I realized that Dad. Daniel said something about making babies. And at 47, I think my baby making days are behind me. But don't give up.

There's still somebody out there for you. Colby, he called back a day later to break up with her. But he did it like a gentleman. He did. Which makes me think he would be good. And what does he mean 47's too old for children? I had a child at 48. There you go.

I mean, you can do it, Colby. Al Pacino had a child like a week ago. He's 90. Well? No, Colby, like the cheese. Please throw your hat back into the ring. Right. Is that what you're supposed to say?

Throw your hat into the ring? Yeah, it makes sense. What's the expression? Yeah, throw your hat in the ring. Throw your hat in the ring. Okay, I was making sure that that was the right way to say that. I'm going to be stuck with escape artists if you don't come back, Colby. Do you think, what if he says that every time he says his name?

Like the cheese. I bet he does. All right. I like it. Colby, like the cheese. Do you like Colby cheese? I actually don't care about it. I don't really care. I'm never picking Colby. Is that ever an option when it's like when you're just doing like a sandwich choice? She's like it shredded up into other things. Filler. Yeah. Well, good luck to Colby. I mean, he seems like he's got life figured out. Amanda, on the other hand, ooh, we got some work to do. See you next week.