Tosh Show - My Paw-some Service Dog Volunteer - Melissa Rubin

Episode Date: November 4, 2025

Daniel sits for a chat with Melissa Rubin, a volunteer puppy raiser for Guide Dogs of America.

Hey guys. It's me, Daniel. Do me a solid. I don't ask for a lot, but like and subscribe to this podcast. Also, you could rate it. Highly, I would appreciate. Maybe even write a review. Maybe we'll become best friends. How many people do you disappoint every day by taking a cute puppy everywhere and not letting anyone pet it? I know. I don't, a lot, all of them. Welcome to Tosh Show for show Welcome to Tosh show I'm your host Daniel Tosh with me It's me Eddie Gossling Eddie Gosselin

Or should we start calling you Eddie McMahon I don't mind that Hey now Like he always said That's the wrong one I do the guy from Larry Sand Oh that's okay

He's better Well until he was worse until he had to become like a problematic person he became problematic but before he was problematic and just that character so good on gary shanlin's show just heaven on earth uh anyway you know i don't like to wear shirts with words on it right but you may have noticed lately that when i'm reading ads i wear this shirt well this shirt does have a word on it and the rest is pictures so we explaining it doesn't explain i can be bought dude you sure can sure there it is i can be bought it's my ad shirt i needed to come up with an ad shirt

because they're always like oh they didn't want me to wear the same thing that i had on in the episodes that you could differentiate between ad reading daniel tosh and host daniel tosh so now i've got a uniform for when i'm doing ads perfect suit it up it's nice it's a large okay feels like a cotton-poly blend do an ad for him i don't know who made this shirt but maybe we'll sell this once we get our uh our new store up and running oh yeah yeah our current store uh has shuddered oh man well it happens that's a bummer but we're gonna be back stronger than ever yeah what we did is we took all those old carl shirts that didn't sell and we sent them to an impoverished nation.

Great. Uh-huh. People just walking around. Right. They're a bunch of Bill's fans with Carl's shirts. You big into the art world, Eddie? No, no. Can't say I am.

You have any art hanging in your house? We do. Like acquiring pieces? I mean, like, you've acquired a piece? I've acquired a piece, yeah. Megan's cousin as an artist. Oh, he's a cousin. You've got a family member of a cousin.

You're just hanging their shit up. Yep, put it up. It's nice. I cannot stand. and hanging wall art up. It just infuriates me. Lining things up and now everybody wants these, they want a gallery wall and like they're all different sizes,

but my wife wants the bottom lined up. And you've got these things with, there's no way to measure it because it's wires on the back. So it doesn't, and then I end up putting like nine different holes in my wall. and the drywall is getting, it just makes me mad. You tell me you got a gallery wall at the house now? Yes, multiple. Oh, man.

There's multiple gallery walls, but this one wall, by my entry way, I had to hang up different photos of my kids, and they're all big. Right. They're large, but the bottom had a line up on all of them. It was just torture. This almost seems impossible. Well, I wanted to hire somebody, but I didn't want somebody to come over. right so then i was just like i'll do it and then i'm just then i'm just in such a bad mood while

i'm doing it yeah i'm yelling at her because i get the little dustbuster out to get all the drywall that i'm dropping to the floor keeping your area clean but it's infuriating can't stand it all i do is try to keep the place clean and just everybody at the house is working against me the other day here's a game well we got a new game you guys put some music behind it it's time to play what's in her pocket i'm excited okay we had some rain and i went into the closet and i got my wife's raincoat out that was because we were walking to school i was like we'll still walk to school with the kids in the rain it's fun we don't get to do that very often anyway for whatever reason i could tell there's something in her pocket i put my hand in her pocket of her raincoat that had been sitting

since last rain season okay now in california that's that's uh that's a that can be six months between good rains at this time of year. It usually doesn't rain during the summer. I pulled out three things. All right, Eddie, from her raincoat from six months earlier. What three things did I pull out? Go ahead. What's your guess?

Chapstick. Okay. Lozange. Mm-hmm. And a hairbrush. Okay. A hairbrush? That's a horrible guess, Eddie.

I have ideas. Something with their hair. Maybe a hair tie. A hair tie is a better guess. Okay, a lozange, a hair tie. And what was your other guess? Chapstick. Okay, all wrong.

Pete, what's your guess? Money? Money. Tampon? Uh-huh. A pacifier. Okay, guess what, guys? Pete is two out of three.

Oh, that's great. Oh, interesting. Okay. John, now using the knowledge that you have, what is your guess? Just for one. I can't guess three. No, you have to guess three, but you have to take two of fucking Pete. You think I'm talking to Dylan right now.

All right. I'm going to say a pen. I'm going to say a rock. Oh, he's so fucking dumb. Why is this not Dylan? Pete got two of the three. Pete got two of them right. You got to take two of those.

Shit, hold on, hold on. Please stop, stop. It's pass fire and tampon. What is your guess? Passifier, tampon, and a ron. rock and a rock yeah okay okay you're two out of three Dylan Dylan come on Dylan here we go pacifier mm-hmm tampon mm-hmm I'm going candy cane oh candy Dylan you almost pulled a rabbit out of the hat I'm still shocked that we got it was a pacifier a tampon and a cutie a mandarin

A year, maybe a year old, six months, whatever. Yeah, just rot into the core. Right to the core. That's just what's in my wife's pocket. That's how you play. I love that. That's great game. I didn't think we were going to get there, but we did.

I can't wait until it rains again. Oh, well, that was fun. Oh, I didn't let Carl guess. I should have because Carl is so smart. Oh, I'm not as smart as the dogs today's guess. works with but he's still pretty smart enjoy eddie you know i love sleep i like it better than being awake and if i'm being honest that's why i've got the pillow here from coop sleep goods thank you for being here coop maybe i'll take a nap in the studio between interviews these pillows

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bonus quince pieces make great gifts too this season's lineup is simple but smart and easy with quince fifty dollar mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like an everyday luxury and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable their denim nails the fit and everyday comfort all at a fraction of what you'd expect to pay quince has gifting covered beyond clothing too give and get timeless holiday Staples that last this season with Quince, go to quince.com slash Tosh for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash Tosh. Free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash Tosh. My guest today is basically a saint. She volunteers to nurture puppies that she hopes will one day grow up to be service animals for blind adults, autistic children, and veterans with PTSD, but only if she raises them well, so no pressure.

Please welcome from Guide Dogs of America, Puppy Razor Melissa. Hi. How are you today? I'm good. Thanks for having me. First question I ask all my guests. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Have you ever had an interaction? Yes.

Oh, no. Was it traumatic or was it a pleasant experience? It was interesting, I'll say. It wasn't traumatic. I had a ghost in my house. Was it sexual? No, well, it might have been. He kept on showing up in the shower. I swear to God.

Oh, I believe you. Do you want to hear the story? Yes, of course. You're telling me you got a ghost in your shower. It all started. My husband was a way on business. I know that's the way it always starts, right? And I woke up, my son was maybe two or three.

I woke up at the middle of the night. and my big stereo system, my whole house system, was playing jazz. I was like, okay, that's really weird. And this was before Sonos, so nobody could have turned it on remotely. Because I turn on my music to scare my wife when I'm gone. That's mean. Yes, I do a lot of things. That's mean.

Anyway. So I kind of laid in bed. I was a little petrified, and I finally got up, and I went, and I turned it off. I knew I had been watching TV, not listening to Channel 634. jazz on satellite, went back to bed, and the next thing I saw, I'd seen him kind of out of the corner of my eye, like down the hall going by. And then the baby... What was he? What are you seen out of the corner of the eye? Is a tall, lanky man? This is way... It was a way... Yeah. It was an actual man. Yeah, I felt like it was a man. It wasn't like, like, you couldn't see

through him. He was like transparent. It wasn't ghosty. He wasn't fully there. I mean, I don't know how detailed you want to get here, but... Listen, I don't know what you want to admit to. Then the babysitter started telling me So I would hear, I'd be in the TV room And I'd hear like it sounded like somebody Took all of the utensils from, you know, your forks and knives And literally took them and dropped them on the floor Were they actually dropped on the floor?

No. It was just a noise that sounded like that. I didn't tell my babysitter because she was a little high strung And I didn't want to scare her But she started telling me she was hearing the noises. Then I would be in the shower and I had like one light switch that lit a number of lights. And every time I was in the shower, the light over my shower would go off.

Just that one. Just that one. So after a while, I got kind of tired of it, and I just talked to him. I said, listen, this is annoying. You keep turning off the light. He's trying to make it romantic in there. Yeah, I think so. It already is.

I'm naked. I said, if you want something, let me know. Otherwise, leave me alone. Okay. And I never came again. I probably thought you were being rude. Rude is my own house. Well, it was probably his house before the tragedy.

I thought about that. And I did reach out to the previous owners because they built the house and nobody had died and everything was okay. Okay. Well, you proved it. You don't believe me? I mean, no. I believe you. You believe it goes?

No. Oh, you would have if you had been at my house. I want to believe so bad. But no. I'm not wired that way. You have one dog with you today. How many dogs currently are living under your roof? Three.

Is that typical? I'd say it's fairly typical of most raisers. I think they all have a puppy they're raising, maybe a career change dog, a puppy that they've raised and maybe didn't make it into the program, and sometimes a breeder. I have two breeder girls and Millie right now. Do you let them breed with chips to anyone? No, no. It's very specific.

We have an algorithm. Our breeding manager does an incredible. job with our genetics. It's very, very purposeful. How many times you're allowed to let them breed? A girl can have up to four litters and be up to six years old. It all depends. If she had a couple of C-sections, we might retire her after her second C-section. If she's not been a great mama, we might retire her early as well. Sometimes they don't like it. They don't want to be a mama and they stress out too much. Do dogs get postpartum? I don't know postpartum, but I think it takes a while for them to get back to feeling themselves.

My girl that just had Millie, they had them at the beginning of May, she just now feels like she's coming back into herself. Her hair's kind of grown back and is fluffy. Okay. Yeah. Did she feel like Millie stole her beauty? I've heard that.

I've heard that. My wife says it about our daughter. She goes, she stole my beauty, and she resents my daughter. I can feel it. Nobody could still see N's beauty because she's actually the most beautiful dog in the program, I think,

because she's a Red Fox Lab, and she's French. So that makes her pretty. But, yeah, I think she's kind of like, why did Millie come to live with us? I already gave birth to her, and she's supposed to be someplace else. When they're pregnant, do they ever do a sonogram or anything? Yeah. You do?

Yeah. So you know how many dogs are coming? We can guess halfway through we'll do an ultrasound, and we can kind of... You do an ultrasound, okay. So we can guess. And then one week before, they'll come into the nursery to have their pups and we'll x-ray them. And at that time, we can, you can see the skeletons and you can count. It really helps when you're whelping the litter to know, okay, we think there's nine.

And then at the end of the whelp, if we think they're finished, we'll ultrasound them again to make sure we haven't missed anybody. Do you get mad if there's only two? Well, I think it's a little bit of a disappointment because I haven't ever experienced that with my girl, but you want as many dogs as you can choose from for the program. What's the percentage of dogs from, you know, great lineage to actually then become. I mean, a service dog themselves? It's about 60%, give or take. Oh, way higher than I thought. Yeah, and, you know, we're getting better and better at it.

Obviously, it all starts with breeding. You've got to breed the right dogs, and then you've got to have the puppy raisers to be able to raise them so that they can go on to success. How did you get into this? And how long have you been doing it? I've been doing it, I think about six years, seven years. You know, my son graduated high school. He was going to be going off. I kind of knew I would like to find something.

something to do purposeful with my time. And I remembered about Guide Dogs of America because I had contacted them literally 40 years before. And I called them up and they said, yeah, come up and volunteer. So I started volunteering and working in the kennels and doing all sorts of different things. And where is their headquarters? It's in Silmar, like where the five and the 405 meet. Is it only labs and golden retrievers that makes these service animals?

In our program, we're only labs and goldens. We used to have German Shepherds. They're just a little trickier. they are really one-person dogs, and once you've taken them from their razor, they can have a lot of anxiety. And they're great. They're totally trainable. It just wasn't working in our program. I said, on your introduction, I said military, PTSD, blind, you know, sight dogs, and autism. Is that it? And facility dogs.

What's facility dogs? So there are hospitals that it's not like the therapy dogs where you see people bring their dogs. in. This dog goes to work with, usually it's a social worker and works the whole hospital all day long or a chaplain with the fire department or a courtroom so that that dog can go up with like a young witness that's having to give testimony to give them support. What kind of things does a service animal do for an autistic child? I wish I knew all the things, but one of the things is some autistic children have repetitive behaviors. One of the things that we teach a nudge or a bump, so the dog will nudge them to get them to stop. We have one I heard that

picked at his lips constantly. So the dog knows, nudge them, break that repetitive pattern. And just the attachment to the dog, I got a picture of the mom and the girl and they were at Target the first day they had her. The harness has an extra attachment lead, and the autistic girl holds onto that and it keeps her grounded there with mom and with the dog as a, you know, as a safety thing and as a grounding tool for her. What about a bomb sniffing? We don't do that, but we have had some dogs that have gone on to be search and rescue. What about drugs?

We don't have, we don't do that either. I want to get one of those. Just as how it's free drugs you could get. It'd be great for your kids, you know. If your dog was just a drug sniffing. Oh, my kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I mean, you think my kids.

No, I know. I'm a mother, so I get it. It's nice to know. I don't trust my kids. You know, I love them, but I'm not going to trust them. I'm never going to trust them. Well, let's start with this. Because as I'm a lifelong dog owner, I've had countless dogs, and I'm a pretty good owner,

but I'm not a great owner. I love them. I don't, you know, I don't board them. I travel with them. So they have good lives. No one's going to argue that. But everyone always tries to put your dog's behavior on the, the owner, which I kind of find a bit annoying on some level, because a lot of their behaviors

predispositioned. Yeah, it's nature and nurture. And then, and so if they, if the 40% of dogs that aren't making it in the program, how much of that is on you? A little bit, but mostly it's a medical thing. We'll get a dog in the, in a eight or 10 pup litter that has hip dysplasia. None of the others have it. My first dog that I raised, Colette had a sibling litter. mate that had an aversion to smoke. They lit up the barbecue. There was some smoke, and he just freaked out, so he couldn't be in the program. Some dogs, they just can't ever get used to going up an elevator or hearing a trash

truck go by. It just, it's a kind of a mixed bag of why some of them don't want to wear a vest. I get that. I hate a vest. It's coming back that look. I don't care. It's not my thing. I don't like, I don't like being sleeveless.

Do you get to name them? Yes, but it has to be a specifically. letter. So Millie's from the M litter. They get to keep the name? Yeah. So now I'm like now the new owner that receives it is stuck with the name? Yeah, sorry, yeah. It's like adopting a child. You're kind of stuck with their name.

No, you, what do you mean? I mean, not a baby. Well, sure, not a baby, but I'm saying if I take somebody that's 15 years old, I can't rename her. You take somebody that's 15, you're crazy. I got to do it. I got to do. I have a 24 year old. Would you like him? No, that's too old. I'm all for it. I've said this before. I like the idea of adopting a 16 or 17-year-old, somebody that's about to age out that really doesn't need a parent, but I just jump in for some financial help. That's my goal.

Yeah, and, you know, at 18, it's very hard. They're out of the system and they've got to learn how to go through life. There are some mentors, I think, for the... Yeah, I keep asking to look into it, but then I don't actually follow through, which makes me feel... But I feel like if I say it on camera, it makes me look bad if I don't, so this is maybe the push I'm needed. You train them from eight weeks to what? To about 16 months, give or take, that's when they go into their formal training. Is that torture on the soul or no?

It is hard because you love them. You've put so much time and energy in. They're part of your family. They're quirky. They're adorable. But you know, after you see one graduation, you see what happens with these dogs. You see the impact that it makes on their lives. And you're like, okay, I did that.

Okay. Do service dogs have a good life? And I mean that, like, everybody's like, oh, dogs love jobs and they love to work. like, yeah, but my dog also loves to lay around and do nothing and then play and do whatever he wants. Yeah, they don't work all the time. What kind of hours are they putting in? I think it's different for every dog. I know Colette, who is a graduated autism service dog, she has a pool in the backyard.

They have a lakehouse. She's having a great life. They have another dog that she gets to snuggle with. So I don't know what the percentages, but even if it's 50-50. Okay. That's not bad. I don't know. I don't know if it was like child labor. Is there anybody like saying, hey, you're working your service dog a little too much?

We do check up on them. Oh, you guys are the final line. Yeah. Do you feel like a failure when a dog doesn't make it? I was really scared with my first dog because I'm kind of a perfectionist. And I like to get things right. I was really afraid that she wasn't going to make it. You know, I don't know if you know this about.

Our second part of our program is that our service dogs are trained in prisons. So she went off to prison and they worked with her for a year. just got to meet the man that trained her. What was he in there for? I don't know, you don't ask. Yeah, you do. No, no. You don't go, I was literally surrounded by at least 30 inmates plus, so you don't go

around going, hey, what are you in for? They're all lifers. They're all lifers. They're all lifers. And you leave them around your beautiful dogs. And it's terrifies me. No, no, no, no. They're good?

It's incredible. I walked into that room when I went to visit, and I almost cried because it was such an incredible experience. But the inmates have to write home a letter to home every month about how their dog's doing. It's all free, like, I'm doing good at, I'm struggling with, I like to. And it's just like, it's just so sweet. They love them. I went and I visited his cell. He has pictures of her all on the wall. No. It almost makes you forget that they're murders. A little bit. A little bit. Do you wear perfume when you go in there? I've only been once and I did not wear perfume. As a matter of fact, you have to be careful about what you

wear. You have to wear specific things. What do you know? I can imagine. And they're lifers, but maybe not lifers for something that would be. Could be a three-strike thing, you know. It's not like beastiality. And you're like, oh, don't want this guy near. They can't be in our program if they've had any, any sexual offense or any child kind of offense. Yeah, the child one always gets you. That's a bad one. Yeah. You don't want to be in there for that. No. Early on in my career, I had a small havenies that I went through all the paperwork to make them. a service dog but that was just because he traveled me constantly and I wasn't going to stay in garbage hotels that didn't allow dogs so I I admit that I did the bad thing yeah what do you

think of people that do all this stuff with the service dog I think some of them do need that emotional support there are emotional support dogs but it's very hard to take out a working dog if you think about a working dog knows not to go I'm training Millie not to go up to other dogs not to get distracted. Can you imagine coming up to a harnessed visually impaired person with their seeing eye dog and distracting their dog? It spins the dog out of control. They know they're not supposed to talk to that dog.

And it takes a while for the handler, the visually impaired person, to get that dog calm back down. Okay, but that's one scenario. I mean, if the visually dog is just walking down the street, I'm allowed to walk past them with my dog. Absolutely. But a lot of people are taking their dogs into places where they shouldn't be.

Okay. So you're not a fan of it. I'm not a fan of it either. I get mad at seeing all these dogs in farmers markets. There's signs everywhere at farmers markets not to bring dogs. Everyone brings the dogs. And the reason there's nobody really to enforce it because the individual vendors, by the way, you know what's driving me nuts at farmers markets lately?

It's how aggressive people are at trying to sell their stuff. Really? I haven't had that. Oh, I've had it lately. Calabasas and in Malibu. I've had a lot of people doing that, like, hey, you know what your bag is missing? Some of my omens. I'm like, you know what?

Take it down a notch, buddy. No kidding. I don't need it. I don't need the high pressure. I'm at a farmer's market. Here's what I don't get for the visual impaired. Normally, I'm anti-AI and all of the robots and stuff, but this seems like something that could easily be handled by a robot.

No, you're right. Technology has really changed how visually impaired people can get around, but it's also isolating. Okay. So if you think of that... So you got a better answer. There are apps on the phone. There's so much more technology for visually impaired people.

Absolutely. I bet you can wear glasses now that just kind of tell you what to do. Yeah, but, you know, then it's also wonderful to have a companion. All right. You're a company girl. I get it. I've got three at home. Of course I am.

Do Bernadoodles make good service animals? They could. I don't know why not. I can't imagine putting the work in. You could maybe make him a therapy dog, though. Eddie has Carl's sibling. Oh, yeah? Yeah, when we rescue.

an expensive breed dog and we do it together now listen my name is on a plaque at best friends so I don't want to get any I don't want you looking down on me for my little fancy breed dog I don't I don't okay

these are very fancy They're super fancy Well yeah but they have a better purpose Than my dog which is just to look cute on walks Uh oh Millie Eddie's got drugs on him Aw I got a pipe bomb him pants

Really, come. Good girl. You have to give her a treat because she came to you. That's right. But when she walked away, which wasn't what you wanted, you didn't go over there and roll up a newspaper. That's right. We are only reward-based. I don't have any rolled-up newspaper papers at my house. What do you got at your house is what I want to know. Poor Carl. How dare you? Carl lives a life like a king. Yeah. I noticed he's not here today.

Well, they asked him. I asked, I said, what your preference was? And they were like, oh. It really didn't. Millie likes people. How old is Millie? She's five and a half months. She was born at my house. Was she? By one of your other dogs?

Yeah. I have two breeder dogs that are part of the program. Do you deliver them? I am a welper, yeah. I am one of the volunteers that can help with a birth. Is it as tricky as it is with humans or not as bad? Well, I haven't given birth once. I would say that was pretty tricky.

Right? I think the dogs is like so natural to them. I've never had a dog really scream in pain. You don't think they'd like a spinal tap? Yeah, they might. But it doesn't seem like they're in a lot. And when they are in pain, you see it like quivering in their back, their hind quarters will quiver. So you walk them.

It helps them walk it off. You walk it off. You have a baby. Imagine me telling my wife after giving birth, just walk it off. Tired of listening to you. Can you imagine doing it like 10 times, walking it off in between each one? You know, at one point, I thought she was going to have a litter. But thankfully, thankfully, there was some vanishing.

At one point, I think we were up to three, and it was like, all of a sudden they started disappearing. You know, a blessing to some, to us, blessing. A lot of work, though. Yeah. What about cats? Everyone tries to pretend cats are smarter. Yeah. But let's be clear, nobody's using a cat to walk a blind person around LAX.

Well, cats love their houses. You're right. I mean, they don't want to leave the house. Okay, so I'm just saying, until a cat can walk a blind person around LAX, I don't want to hear anyone tell me how much smarter they are than dogs. Is it true that the final test guide dogs will go to a musical and if they can sit through the entire show focus, they pass? Yes, that's the final test. What's the final test?

Is there a final test? There are final tests. So service dogs have got to meet all their, there's different levels. So when they come into the prison, they're at the first level and they learn specific things. And then they, the second level, they have to learn all those things and be able to be proficient on the third level of those things. And then we know that they're ready. The guide dogs go through some real rigorous training, obviously. And one of the coolest things is that guide dogs learn intelligent disobedience.

So if the visually impaired person says walk on, go forward, and there's a car coming, that dog has learned and been taught to disobey. They're not going to walk visually impaired person in front of a moving car off of platform, off of a whole bunch of stuff. So our instructors, which are up in Silmar, they literally take them on a blind walk test. They're blindfolded. They're working them in the harness. They have to pass a whole bunch of them.

How often do the guide dogs have to kind of get re-ups? Because you kind of constantly have to constantly be training your dog throughout their life. I don't know. I know that we check in with them. And I'm sure clients have things that are going on. And we do have trainers that will fly out to our clients and help them. Or we can do it on Zoom. Well, because I'm sure some of these owners that receive the dog, while beneficial to their lives, are not the best trainers themselves.

That's right. They're not trainers. I mean, even though we've taught them how to use their dog, you're right. There's a lot that goes into this. Do you guys try to, if you have a, know a dog is like a heavy shedder, do you say, oh, you'd be a good for a blind person? They're not going to care as much. They're not going to care. Right. I mean, why can't we just breed out shedding? I mean, obviously I have a dog that. It doesn't shed. Like, let's do it to all dogs. Do you care? Your dog doesn't shed at all? No, not really. Wow, that's great.

Yeah, I know. Different times of year, it gets pretty bad. No, I know he gets. I see Pete. Pete walks in and he sleeps with his golden retriever. It's just disgusting. No. She sheds?

No. Yes, he's covered in hair. There's just constant. I don't get it. I don't get why. That just seems like something like, oh, we found a way to get rid of that. And that's all they do with breeding dogs anyway is breathe them to do certain things.

They're taught to groom their animals, the people, the clients. That's one of the, they're taught to even trim their nails. Yeah, I trimmed my dog's nails, like, for the first few times. And then you're like, I'm not doing that ever again. It's a, I would, I did hers. I'm done. They're too big. All you need is one time to hear the scream and watch blood go shooting across a room.

And you're like, that's it. You're not supposed to cut that far. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. I know. Well, maybe if I wasn't fighting so hard with this paw, I would have been able to get a tiny bit.

Exactly. That's what I do. Excuse me for one. No, please. Millie. Millie. No one's over there. Just show your face so she can, she thinks that there's something wrong.

Let me see, Millie. Millie, put your face up here. Come here. She's not supposed to do this. Oh, I don't do it then, you know. I can put her on my lap. Millie, come. She's confused by his command.

Do you have to walk around always with those, those dorky hip sacks? Your pants are cool, by the way. But your hip sack just really takes... I know, it's like, it's hard to wear a dress when you're... That's a good looking. So this is Millicent. Millicent? Well, Millie.

Okay, please don't torture some child having to say Millicent. Hi, Millie. So she was the first one born in the litter. And, hi, baby girl. How much longer does Millie? Do you have Millie? I'll have her for another, what, your five months, so another 11 months or so, 12 months? And if she doesn't become a service dog, then you have to put her down.

Yeah, that's so sad. No. Do you ever get a chance to adopt them? Yeah, the puppy raiser gets first right of refusal. Do you have to pay for it? No, gosh. Okay, all right. And then beyond that, there's a nice long list of people. Have you always been a dog person?

Yeah, yeah, I grew up with dogs. Yeah, my dad had hunting dogs and we had family pets and stuff. You ever trained a hunting dog? I haven't. I didn't even think my dad didn't. I think you just send him off to get trained. Okay. How many people do you disappoint every day by taking a cute puppy everywhere and not letting anyone pet it? Yeah, it's a lot of people.

It's everybody. But I do try and let her, hello. I do try and let her say hello to some people, you know, just to get practice in. But she needs to be focused on me. But yeah, probably like 100% I disappoint. Yeah. Especially the children. Do you ever get any funny vests you put on them, like that say different things, inappropriate things?

No, yes, exactly. all right milly come back to the floor with us we'll be right back nobody knows your money goals better than you robin hood puts you in control of your money with tools that work as hard as you do locking it on every opening betting your PR betting again channel that drive into your money robin hood puts you in control your money trade stocks and ETFs options futures and crypto all on one platform you can now build and execute your own trades from a desktop with Robin Hood Legends advanced tools or take advantage of the new Robin Hood strategies with a tailored portfolio managed by a team of experts. You expect more from yourself. Expect more from your money. Get started today at

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Raycon's going big for Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Everything's up to 30% off. Just click the link in the description or go to buy raycon.com slash tosh to save on Raycon audio products sitewide. I'm sure autism and PTSD dogs are impressive, but let's be honest, the seen-eye dogs are the superstars of the operation, am I right? Yeah, like I said, the intelligent disobedience that they teach them, I mean, that's pretty incredible, that they are the eyes, and basically the connection to the world for those people.

They are superstars. What are the PTSD dogs? Like, why would one go PTSD versus autism? If you have two dogs that are pretty much the same, it's about their environment. This dog lives in a house with 10 other people. Millie was raised with a cat, so maybe she can go to a house with a cat, and we know it'll be okay. But it's pretty similar. And some of our veterans, it's for mobility, too.

So we can, they can open drawers, cabinets. They can bring things. They can pick things up for them, retrieve things for them. I never, when people say, oh, like, my dog can do these, my dog can do these. tricks like open a cabinet I'm never impressed because when I see it I'm like well look at how shitty your cabinet

looks now because you've had a dog gnawing on it to open it it's got a little handle on it they're not using their paw to open it no they're not everything in the house is covered in slime I don't I've got a pig do you think you could train

it oh my god what you have a pig what you put a pig for why because my wife And her cousin are just hateful. I would never have a pig. Well, I do.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Everyone tries to say that pigs are smarter than dogs, and I'm here to let you know it is not true. Oh, good. Okay, I'm glad to hear it. There's some simple tasks that they master immediately, like not going to the bathroom in the house. That's good. But past that, they just want to eat, and they don't care. Anything.

They just want to eat. Yeah. The gross thing is the penis. Oh. It's horrific. It has a corkscrew at the end, and it's about 13 inches long, and it's pencil thin. No. And it, like, drills into the ground.

No. It's horrific. Oh, God, that is really, I'm glad I don't have, I couldn't ever have a pig. I did hear something that female pig's orgasm for 30 minutes, but I mean, I'm like, who knows? I don't know. Do attack dogs like German shepherds start out with puppy raisers? Well, I guess somebody's got to raise them. Right. How does that go?

I don't know, but German Shepherds, these dogs that you buy for $100,000 that have been in Germany and they only, you know, answer to German commands. Do you think they just raise them on a farm with, like, a kennel? No, those dogs are, I know people around here that have those dogs for protection on their property, and they are, I mean, it's a real thing. Do you think you can turn, like, an attack, I'm just turning the tables on you, attack dog into, like, a lap dog? Do you think that those dogs, like, forget their stuff? Yeah, I know a guy that can do it. Lane, if you're listening, you're the only, one time I saw this guy in Malibu had two German Shepherd attack dogs in this fence and this guy goes, do not walk over to that fence. And Lane walks right over there and just, and gets both of them.

He goes, I've never seen another human be able to make those dogs just like a need. It's his energy, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty poor. The woman that is our breeding department manager, she has that energy. Like every dog just immediately respects her. Yeah, I don't do. They don't respect me. They know that I'm like a little bit scared.

Don't you ever think it's weird how almost all animals, if they knew how scared most humans are, could just destroy us all? Take over the world, right? Bears would be living here in Malibu. A bear, sure. That's a no-brainer. But like, you get a squirrel with some confidence. Like, I would be like, holy, we're moving, honey. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Or the possums? Oh, God, the possums are the worst. I had a bat in my son's room the other day. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, it's terrifying. It's a flying rat.

He didn't bite anybody. No, he didn't bite anybody. But my son now sleeps in a casket. Yeah. Everybody's on the show gets some gifts. Oh, wow. Yeah, well, it's nothing good. It's just stuff I find around my house.

Okay. It's not a pig, is it? Nope. This, this, I thought it'd be fun. You hang it in a window and you're terrified. You put in your shower to go... I love it. I need some decorations. Well, this, I put it in my, put it...

I thought it'd be funny. It was too much for my children. And I got yelled up by my wife to get it out of the house. Does it make noise or anything? No, no, you just stick it, hide it in windows and stuff. I've got the perfect place for it. You put it in your neighbor's window. No, I love it.

I need decorations. I put it in my wife's bed when I left town for a show. You did not. Yes, I did. You are mean to her. And she did not think it was funny. Yeah, it's... But anyway, it's nice.

You're going to like it. She married you, right? Here, this is, some company sent me this. I can't wait for them to advertise on the show. Orr frames. I mean, I don't know who they are. They sent this to me. And I was like, man, I can't wait to give this away.

I'll let you know how it is. You're not going to love that. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Here's a pillow from Coop. Pete, am I allowed to give this away? No, not yet.

Oh, I got to keep this. Sorry. I needed a pillow. Oh, here's something for you. Okay. I don't want it. I'm tired of people scratching my desk. Can you move your water for a second?

Is that a used sheet you're giving me? No, this is not, this is so I don't stretch my desk. You don't get the sheet. Oh, okay, thank God. This was my pigs while I was building his. That's why she went in there. She was smelling your pig. I was using this, this, uh, for the, a temporary shelter for the pig while I was building the, the full, the real one.

Did you have to hire a contractor for the pig's house? Yes. The new pig house? Yes. You did. My, the guy that built my, uh, renovated, I have an airstream. I'm like, hey, can you build a pig house? Did he pull permits?

No. Why would you bring that up? Sorry. I got caught last year or two years ago. Oh, I've been red tagged so many times. My house, if I sell my house, I have to do so many things. You know, I love the way you cleaned it up and everything for me. No, no, I don't clean it.

But if you need a dog house, this will be great. You'll love it. Here, get this off my desk, Pete. Hold on. I got more stuff for you. Oh, great. Do you ever use my dog? Oh, I need one.

Well, here's the thing. So this is to keep your dogs from eating too quickly, but I don't care anymore because he's four. I'm like, just eat fast. I don't care, buddy. Do what you want. No, this is great. I got one for Millie, and she's having a hard time figuring it out. Oh, good.

And I don't know why. Well, here's some more. Here's some vitamins. I just want to point out that this one. Did you reuse these? Yeah, so everything has been used. I don't like this stuff. You just throw to.

Wow. What is this? vitamins for your dogs? No, we have to be particular. What about a training leash? Do you need any extra ones of those? That never worked. It's been nicely chewed on too.

Here, what is it? It's like, this is not safe. No, I know. Like one good pull. Carl. No, you can't. You can't pull through that. That is strong.

Have you met Millie? She could totally. She's like the strongest dog. Millie, you're going to love this leash. Wow, Mill, lucky you. Do you ever have small dogs? No, I. All right. Well, whatever. You'll still, you'll find you. You give it away to something.

Oh, look at that little water bowl, food bowl. Yeah, you travel with that. You put that little hip-sack. Absolutely, absolutely. You really dug in the bottom of the barrel for me, didn't you? This is good stuff. I don't know. What is this for? Tell me what that medicine's for. Yeah, the print is so small in here. I don't think anybody can read what it is. Get all this off my desk. Please. You're going to love, you're going to love this. I didn't realize I was going to get so many great. Millie's checking it all out. Sorry, Millie. Before you got into doing this, you did work in television.

Yeah, yeah. You worked for Joan Rivers at one point? I was lucky, yeah. When she was doing her late night show that Johnny Carson tried to blackball all of Hollywood from Supporting her. Yeah, yeah, it was interesting time. It was Fox's first show. Fox wasn't even a network. Okay.

It was great. And Joan and Eger were fantastic to work for. They were always really supportive of me. But it was the 80s and the people would come dress. to the nines. And it was just like, it was an incredible time. I think our first show was Cher and Elton John. That was incredible. Yeah. No, I mean, she, listen, everyone knows that she got screwed. Oh, Johnny. Johnny's so bitter. Yeah, what was that about? I mean, listen, it breeded the next generation. Dave Letterman and Jay and just all the, everyone just constantly

bickering over their, their late night television. Now, thankfully, you know, Trump is control of all late night television. Yeah, exactly. Did you need a therapy dog after working with Judge Judy? No, she was great. She really was. I don't have any bad stories to tell, sorry. No, I don't want you to tell bad stories. She's a tiny little monster. Okay, I will tell you the one thing is that I stage managed her. I ADDed it and I stage managed, but mostly I stage manage. And I'd have to go and get her before we'd be ready for the case. And, you know, she'd be outside and I'd be like a judge we're ready for you and I'm like I turned her one day I said you really hate that I tell you what to do don't you what you're like have you ever seen the movie

air bud no I've never seen it can you believe it my my friend his dad is they run the empire the air bud empire they're up in Vancouver right now shooting a big new airbud movie in theater I heard they were looking for like the new air bud or something right he's got a house full of them Yeah, we could have put Millie up for it. Did you see the new Superman? No, but, you know, we've been pairing with DC Comics about that. We went down to Comic-Con and we did a whole, we were allowed to be in their booth and did a whole photo shoot and meet and greet with all of their characters and everything. It was really cool.

What kind of dog did they use for the new one? It was his dog. They did a CG of his dog, and he's a mutt, I think. That's James Guns' dog? Yeah, it's a CG version of his dog. You mean they didn't really get them to do some of those stunts? Can you believe it? How does guide dogs of America know that a volunteer will be good at puppy raising?

Or do they just take anybody that says they'll do it? Let's hope they don't do that. But I will tell you that that's the one commodity we could use more of. More volunteers? More puppy raisers. Now, is this one of the L.A. loopholes where, like, a lot of places won't allow you to have dogs if you're renting, but since their future service animals, would they have to let you? I don't think they have to let you.

But you do have to, if you're a renter, you have to have permission from your landlord. Can you be a puppy raiser and have a full-time job? Yeah, oh, absolutely. How do people get involved? Is it easy? I mean, like, to reach out? Yeah, yeah. So our website has a, you know, column for volunteer.

What's the website? Guide dogs of America.org. Can they be anywhere in the country? So we do have some razors in different parts of the country. but mostly the razors are here in Los Angeles, but all the way down to San Diego. We have different areas. So you have an area leader that kind of,

you have meetings and you can reach out to that area leader if you're having problems. There's so much support. If I needed to, Millie's too little to go into the kennel, but if I needed to go out of town, there's a ton of puppy sitters and puppy razors that would take her. Okay, so you can be a puppy sitter. You can be a puppy sitter. That seems nice.

Just get a little, spend a good weekend or two with a beautiful daughter. No, it's really a lot of fun. But as a puppy sitter, you get trained in all of our, you know, training techniques and everything. You have to go to a class to learn all that. Do you have to pay money? No, gosh, no. But you get paid a fortune. Yeah, in love and kisses and tailwags. That's not good. You can't pay the bills on tailwags. That's right. That's why we do have a lot of volunteers that are retired people. Oh, yeah? That's nice. Yeah. That seems like a maybe I'll talk to my father-in-law about that. He keeps trying to ask about, like, doing some other job stuff. I'm like, why don't you just go walk a dog?

I'll tell you, the best job we have is called a puppy hugger. That's a job? The volunteer job. So it's in the nursery. When the dogs are three days old, we start handling them in specific ways when we put little socks that we've cut out that we have to put over their heads and put their arms through so that they start getting the feeling of wearing a vest. And we handle them.

At three days old? At three days old, yeah. And handle them in specific ways, touch their paws, touch their muzzle, touch inside their ears and then as they get a few days older we'll hold them to our chest and hum them we turn them upside down you know all sorts of things so they get used

to that interaction with human beings that job no longer sounds as good as it originally sounded well when dogs come out let's be clear they're not the cutest thing they're adorable they have little Yoda ears no no no no no no no no no no no no no no they're adorable they're my favorite

I like week three I think that's when they start to be adorable for me. No, no, no, I'm wrong? Because they got their teeth and they're biting everything. Oh, that's where the teeth are so sharp. Oh, so sharp. Everything is great between birth and about two weeks. You know, dogs can't see or hear for about two weeks.

I mean, how do we know? Yeah, you're right. Millie, can you want to interview her? Ask her the question. Do they have a, do, when baby, when baby, this question is going to be so dumb. Just so you know. When dogs are born, do they have those tar poops like babies do? Yeah, they do.

They have different, they do. They, like, I was just doing an overnight last night. What's an overnight? Oh, so I, I'm a welper. So we have to go to the nursery and you go at 8 o'clock at night and leave at 8 o'clock in the morning when we have moms that are about to give birth, give birth, and our neonates, you've got to stay with them for a few nights because you just got to make sure everything's okay. So I was with the neonates, the eight black labs are adorable, and dogs don't know how to pee or poop when they're born. So mama, that's why mama's licking them because it stimulates them and gets them to pee or poop. It brings awareness to that area.

So sometimes you've got to help mama out, so you get a handy wipe and you're stimulating them. And I swear to God, it was like green. I don't know what came out of that dog, but there are some weird poops for sure. When do you recommend having a dog spayed and neutered? and do all your service dogs get spayed and neutered? The service dogs do. The breeders do not. So we wait until about a year.

Okay. Natalie, our breeding manager, she's already looking at this litter, this M litter. She probably knows she needs to pull at least two breeders from that litter. So she gets first pick before they even go into the service program. So she says, Millie is the dog I want. So she does not get fixed. The rest of the litter that's not chosen gets fixed.

Now you're going to have a period on your hand. hands at your house. Yeah, well, I've got it twice already at my house with the girls. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do? How long has it lasted like 30 days? About three weeks, but the whole cycle can last a few months, like three to six months, because it's a long ramp into it and a long ramp out of it. Do you think dogs should get circumcised? I don't see how that's possible, but yeah. I mean, it's definitely got to be possible, right? I don't think so. No? How about your pig? Oh, my pig, they, let me tell you some. forget the joke question.

Getting him neutered was impossible. Really? Yeah, he had, apparently one of them didn't. Yeah. And it was just like a real surgery. No, that's a big deal. But the problem was there, like, so you have to wait longer because we want to hopefully that it will.

Right. But in the meantime, the pig, they just spray semen everywhere as marking their territory. Are you kidding? How can they do that? Wait for it. And it reeks to high heavens. Yeah. Oh, I bet.

It was just the worst. So, I was freaking out. That thing you gave me, that, that house? That was well past that. Okay. No,

I was past that. Past, okay, good. Right now, right now I walk into your house. I say, I want Millie. I'll give you, I'll write a check. Is there a number that makes you say, all right, take my dog?

No. No. There is not. Missy, go ahead and write a number on this paper or not. Melissa, thank you for being on the show. I appreciate it very much. Thank you so much for having me.

Okay. bye Millie Millie She's with all the swag Good for Millie I want to thank Missy for being on the show

I want to thank her for all the hard work that she does and you know I would say that it's a thankless job but her job is not thankless her job is filled with immediate gratification

by the animals giving her love and certainly by the families that are rewarded, you know, these amazing pets. Do you still get to call them a pet? Good question. Or do you have to, like, are they, they're an employee? That's an employee. Hmm.

I think you still call them a pet. We got some plugs. Eddie is going on tour with me. He's going on tour without me sometimes. But my tour on sale now, we got a Billings, Montana. I'm looking forward to that. Okay? Salt Lake City, Utah.

What could go wrong in Utah? South Lake Tahoe. Okay. Getting a little closer home. Portland, Oregon. Oh, my goodness. That's war country. Seattle, Washington.

That's nice. Bellingham, Washington. Bellingham. Looking forward to your show. I just got a little note from them that they do not allow any hate speech whatsoever. during their performances and they can cancel your show mid-sentence

with no repercussions well good news Bellingham nothing but love over here positive I'm just I'm a positive performance now I may say things sarcastically but for the most part just oozing with kindness

now then where else we're going Vancouver British Columbia I haven't performed in Vancouver in a long time I want to bop over to Vancouver Island. Actually, we should bring Lachlan with us. Oh, yeah. Yeah, bring that guy. He was born on that island.

Show us around. Sure. Okay, now it's time for the unsponsored segment where we find true love for my wife's cousin Panda. I can't believe this isn't sponsored. We're putting ads all over this podcast now. Why wouldn't we have this sponsored? Get somebody, what's the Raya?

What's the cool? Is that the cool one? What's the cool dating app? What's the cool dating app? Find out what the cool dating app is. Get them to sponsor this segment because Lord knows what we're doing to find love for my wife's cousin isn't working. Now, I also would like to point out, forget a sponsor. I don't know why a producer hasn't come forward that says, yeah, we'll make this into a TV show, but we're worried about what we're going to do for season two.

Season two, her brother needs love. And I think that'll be fun as well. Okay. All right, you got any voice messages for me, Eddie? We do. What do you got? Hey there. My name is Andrew.

I'm, uh, I'm from Columbus, Ohio. I'm 33 years old. Uh, five foot 10, 160 pounds. All right. I'm a white guy. Come on, guys. Is he a 160? Yeah.

She loves horses, okay? She doesn't want to marry a jockey. That guy's too small. Too tiny. That's too tiny. You got to put some weight on your bones. Before you come knocking on this horse girl's stall. Yeah, come under her corral being 510.

You know, 510 160, good grief. What is that? You can't call yourself a cowboy. With those numbers? You stay in Ohio, sir. Columbus, Ohio. I mean, I do actually like Columbus. Is it my favorite city in Ohio?

By a mile. It really is. You're not wrong there. I like it. All right, you got any more callers at? You got another caller. Yeah. All, let me hear this guy.

Oh, hey, Tosh. This is Luke. I'm interested in Tanda. Okay. I'm 6.5. On 6.4.5, my dating profile is 6.5. I weigh 195, 26 years old. Oh, young.

I'm a barista currently, but I'm looking to get back into corporate America. Oh, what else was I supposed to say? Oh, equine history. I think you're talking about horses. I had a horse, but he broke his leg, so we had to put him down. But his name was Archie. But I'm allergic, but I would still ride him. I would just get hives.

I did not vote. I know. I didn't do my civic duty. So I'm bad with politics. But I care. I care about the world. Well, sure you do. And I really think you and me would have a great time on vacation.

Me and Panda doing our thing, me and you doing our thing. You have some dark humor. I like comedy. I've done stand-up once. That's pretty shite, but, you know. How long is this? And I think we would just be buddies, me and you. It's not about us.

This is not about me and you. Okay. Look at that. I think I answered all the sandwiches. I'm a good guy. I come from decent folk. uh and i'm in balder colorado all right that's all i got i mean besides rambling on for fucking ever right he seems great young 26 young tried comedy i mean he's he's he's technically

he's old enough uh she could be his mom oh there is well we mean well just i mean i'm yeah if she had her period by 14 or 13 yeah no yeah i guess you're right then she did definitely could be his mom. Isn't that all it takes? Yeah. Once you had your first period? Yeah, you're flowing. She definitely had her first period by 14.

Well, that's pretty fine. I don't know if he's going to work out. We've got to find some different folks. Maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe we can get him back into corporate America. I got to start walking around malls. I got to start flyering. I think flyers.

That might be the key to find in Panda True Love. we've got to start flyering guys see you next week