Tosh Show - My Santa!!! - TJ Jones

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Daniel gets into the holiday spirit with TJ Jones, one of Southern California’s premier Santas, for a conversation about Santa school, real beards, and keeping the magic alive for as long as possible. Merry Christmas!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Today's episode is brought to you by Shipt. With Shipt same-day delivery, you get more than just fresh groceries delivered to your door. You get time to do the things you love with the people you love. And one of the things I love is making a cheese plate and sharing it with my friends and playing games. Oh yes, good game sessions always. And with Shipt, there's a shopper waiting to check off your grocery list or make that last minute trip to the store so you can relish the greatest gift of all, more time for the things you love. Download the Shipt app. That's S-H-I-P-T and let an expert

handle the shopping. Hey everyone, it's Jon, also known as Dr. Jon Paul. And I'm Jordan or Joho. And we are the BlackFatFilm Podcast. A podcast where all the intersections of identity are celebrated. Ooh, chat, this year we have had some of our favorite people on, including Kid Fury,

T.S. Madison, Amber Ruffin from the Amber and Lacey Show, Angelica Ross, and more. Make sure you listen to the Black Fat Film Podcast on the iHeart Radio app. Have a podcast or whatever you get your podcast girl. Ooh, I know that's right. If you could do me one favor, I'd really love to have a conversation with Santa.

Is that possible? I'm pretty sure I can make that happen, Daniel. Tosh Show! Tosh Show! Tosh Show! Tosh Show! Tosh Show! You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy, welcome to Tosh Show! You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy, welcome to Tosh Show! You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy, welcome to Tosh Show! You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy, welcome to Tosh Show!

Merry Christmas! Do you know that song, Eddie? I've only heard it when you pointed it out on- You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy. Now, in fairness, there is a new version where they say, you're cheap and I've had it. That's how they get away from the problematic original version that had hate speech just right there for all to sing in harmony together. What's the song called somebody in New York? Fairy tale of New York fairy tale of New York

emphasis on fairy Different time different times when that was rerecorded in 2018 Okay, not so long ago actually Hey for our Christmas episode 18. Oh yes. Okay, not so long ago actually. Hey, for our Christmas episode, my son, I saved one of his bedtime stories from when he was three that we used to air at the end of every episode. I saved one of them that was Christmas themed, gonna play it at the end of this episode. Right, thanks for the gift.

What a gift for all. Anyway, so excited about Christmas. So many traditions. Eddie is a part of my Christmas every year. We do the White Elephant. Yep. Big Christmas Eve party. We get some bad barbecue and we all meet at my house

and we do the white elephant. But this year Eddie's not showing up. Going to see my family in Texas. Why? Christmas isn't in Texas. We've had some pretty good white elephants. Now one year, I'm just going to go through some of the stuff that your family has gone home with. A authentic didgeridoo. Right. Your daughter got that. Your son once got from me a Key West lighter with some titties on it that light up. And $50 in cash.

That was a good one. All singles. I always go for gifts that people are gonna wanna steal right away and get angry about. And getting your two kids to fight against each other is always fun. Yeah, Mia definitely wanted the 50. Well, sure, there's $50 in cash, all in ones, fresh wad.

They're like, look at this. It's good. Well, the thing is we don't really put a limit on the gifts. So it's funny, like my brother shows up, his family, they just stop at a gas station on the way up and ha ha ha, look at this garbage, nobody wants it. Me, I put some time into the white elephant gift. You know, one year I had a cool retro jacket

and my brother-in-law, when he was a child in his underwear, I had it put on the back of this jacket. It was real sexy. He's got like a 15-year-old boy in his underwear I had it put on the back of this jacket. It was real sexy. He's got like a 15 year old boy in his underwear on the back of your jacket. Well, for some reason, Eddie's daughter went crazy over it.

Mia got it. We're like, you cannot wear this to school. You can't wear this anywhere. The funny thing was she was just so excited by this little boy in his underwear And then we're like, you know that little boy is this man that's sitting right across from us right now What's funny? She had no idea. She had no idea. She was humiliated. She's like, oh, i'm sorry I didn't actually I didn't know you were a real person. What other traditions do we have? We still got that good puzzle

Oh, that's right. We did a puzzle one one year We took a photo of my wife's cousin from when she was trying to be sexy like a homecoming dance And we had that blown up and put into a puzzle. That's a good gift if you take somebody's ridiculous Childhood photos and turn them into a puzzle. Yeah, that one's still in the cab and we rent it to people They probably do that puzzle. Yeah, you leave that puzzle out, let people enjoy it. Keep thinking about that song. My favorite. The same song. My favorite Christmas song, like modern Christmas song. I like that Liam Payne song.

R.I.P. R.I.P. I also like that Coldplay song, Christmas Lights. Those Christmas lights, light up the, hey. You know what song I like? What? The Little Drummer Boy for King and Country. You ever listen to their version?

No. Is that what it's called for Kings and Country? For King and Country? Whatever. It's real intense. It's big, got a big swell. Ooh, I love a little drummer boy. I've always kind of seen myself as a little drummer boy.

All this Christmas talk has got me into the holiday spirit and you won't believe who we got as a guest. Enjoy. This episode is brought to you by Shipt. Running low on time? Let a shopper with Shipt same day delivery go the extra mile to help you get more out of the holidays. For example, during the holidays, I would much rather be spending time with my friends, eating and drinking and catching up and playing games and just getting to enjoy each other than going to the store or sitting in traffic or whatever it is. Oh yeah, absolutely. My favorite parts are like watching every movie

that I watch every year and cooking those meals together that you're going to get to enjoy. Those are the good parts. I would say that maybe standing in line is not my favorite part of the holidays. Agreed. Agreed. So, use Shipt for same-day delivery from tons of local and national stores near you, because less time shopping means more time for what truly matters. Download the Shipt app, that's S-H-I-P-T, and let an expert handle the shopping. Hey, everyone, it's John, also known as Dr. John-Paul.

And I'm Jordan, or Joe-Ho. And we are the BlackFatFilm Podcast. A podcast where all the intersections of identity are celebrated. Ooh, chat, this year we have had some of our favorite people on, including Kid Fury, T.S. Madison, Amber Ruffin from the Amber and Lacey show, Angelica Ross, and more. Make sure you listen to the Black Fat Fam podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or whatever you get your podcast, girl. Ooh, I know that's right.

My guest today sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake. Like Schindler, he keeps a list of people's names that are nice and naughty. Please welcome my fellow cookie enthusiast, it's jolly old Saint Nick, aka TJ. How you doing, Daniel? I'm well. Other than Christmas past, present, and future, do you believe in ghosts? Yes. You really do, TJ?

I really do. My family saw one when I was a kid. When you were a kid? Mm-hmm. Did you see it? All four of us. Did you, oh, you saw it as well? Yes. We were driving on a road in Texas called Highway 67,

and we saw a cowboy walking a horse on the side of the road and as we got close to it he dissolved in the mist. I mean that's a great story. That's a good one. I mean it's not believable at all but I love it. It was one of those things all four of us, what did you see? Well what did you see? What did you see? What did you see? Everybody's like well this is what I saw so. You're on your way to Midland Midlothian little small town south of Dallas Fort Worth. All right Talk about your hometown

Midlothian, Texas when I left there in 1980 it population was 3500 it's now population is 35,000. It's exploded. It used to be known as the cement capital of the world. Oh. That was its claim to fame because it was on a limestone ridge that produced top quality concrete, I guess. How was your childhood there? It was great.

I mean, I lived on about 2 and 1 half acres. We could go out and essentially walk across the street and go hunting rabbits or go fishing in the numerous ponds out there and Do you have siblings? Yeah, I have one brother that I grew up with and then I he's technically a half brother But he's my brother and then I have another brother and sister that I didn't meet until I was 28 How was that meeting?

That was cool. It was just like oh, okay. So here we are Uh-huh. You were in the Navy for 11 years. Thank you for your service For part of that you were stationed at the South Pole. Yep. That's a little ironic. Don't you think? It's often funny how life throws little curveballs at us and that was the one of the biggest curveballs of all I lived at the South Pole and work at the North Pole. How was the South Pole? It's a stark, desolate beauty like you wouldn't believe. I mean, it's mind-numbingly cold, obviously,

but everything is blue, white, or a shade thereof. And you just look around, and as the sun's setting, which it only does once, it kind of does this wave in the sky as it's going by until it finally sets completely. I loved it. Did you really? Yeah.

How long were you there? I did three summers and then one full year. The sea, when you go from the tip of South America to, I mean, that's some really rough seas through there, isn't it? Mm-hmm. I mean, yeah, that's, I've actually wanted to go, well, I don't ever wanna go any place,

but I've always thought that I'd like to go to the South Pole. Eh, how'd you first decide to be a Santa? My daughter, who was an Irish dancer, she's just a general dancer, if you will, now her dance teacher, Maggie Cleary from Cleary Irish Dance, told me, TJ, you're going to be our Santa this year. And when Maggie tells you to do something, we call it being voluntold. And so I was like, yeah, okay, Maggie.

And I went and bought a suit, grew my beard for about two and a half months. And everybody there thought I was the greatest Santa ever. I mean, I bought an Amazon suit. It was nothing special. OK. But everyone just, and people were like, oh my god, that Santa was amazing. And I was like, you know it was me, right? And I fell in love with it.

I went and I watched every video. I went on YouTube and watched everything. I watched every Christmas movie. I found out who all the players were. I went to two Santa schools that year. Santa school? Yeah. Oh man. Alright. Talk to me about that. You attended Charles W. Howard Santa school in Michigan. In case you didn't get in, did you have a backup Santa school in Michigan mm-hmm in case you didn't get in did you have a backup Santa school? There are at least five Santa schools that I know of in in America and long is the Program it's two to four days. Okay, and but I mean you go over they teach you some

Sign language, huh, and they teach you some sign language. Uh-huh. And they teach you how to do a proper ho ho ho. They teach you how to do your hair, your beard. Was it enjoyable? Yeah, it really was. Any black Santas there? Yes. Okay. How about women? Yes. Okay. We're having female Santas now? There are at least three that I know here in Southern California. I like it. I like it. They're probably going to be asked to stop this Christmas. They're very good.

The thing is, you wouldn't know that when they're in their full on Santa persona, you would not know that they are of the fairer sex. Gotcha. You studied under Timothy Conahan, Mm-hmm. Okay, who was inducted into the Santa Hall of Fame. Yeah. What mall is that in? The Santa Hall of Fame is in Santa Claus, Indiana, actually. Ah. And Tim is brilliant at this. He's, I kind of aspire to have the career he's had. He does the tree lightings at Rockefeller Center. He's been

on stage with Mariah Carey. He's gone to the White House and been Santa. You wouldn't be too inaccurate in saying he's the top of the heap right now. Okay. What does it cost to attend a Santa school? Depends on the school, anywhere from $300 to $600. They put you up? No. Tim Conahan has had his school here twice and I've gone both times but the place he had it was literally nine miles from my house. So just wake up, go to school. What are the guidelines a person must follow to be

Santa? Is there a code of conduct? Well yeah I mean we all do background checks and get full insurance and all that stuff But the insurance what's that to cover? It covers if you get hurt if somebody else gets hurt on the set while you're there There is you know, unfortunately required these days an anti molestation Writer on that's great. Yeah, I mean I was hoping that that was on there now yeah absolutely what do you look for when you're judging if another Santa is a good Santa or not generally you can't really tell without a conversation but

you can sort of get that Santa heart vibe from them if they have it or if they don't and I mean there's some Santas that are absolutely phenomenal but I mean if you if you've taken the time to get a good suit and put the red Santas that are absolutely phenomenal. But I mean, if you've taken the time to get a good suit and put the red suit on, odds are your heart's in the right place, because it's not an inexpensive endeavor. What's your read on Eddie as a Santa? I've had him dress up for my kids before. Completely, they had no idea.

They lost their mind. My nephews, nieces, they all loved it. Brief meeting with Eddie and from the conversations I've had, I think he'd be pretty good at it. All right. There is the Brotherhood of Real Bearded Santas. That is of course, are you allowed to discuss this? Sure.

Okay. Well, I don't know. I didn't know if there's rule. It's a real thing? Yes. There's two groups, the International Brotherhood of Real Bearded Santas and the Fraternal Order of Real Bearded Santas. And I'm a member of both. I know the Fraternal Order of Police. I remember doing telemarketing for them when I was a kid.

How long, if you shaved down clean, would it take you to get back? About 18 months to get to this level. But I could get a Santa passable beard in about six. Six months. When's the last time you went clean? October 23, 2002. That was my high school reunion. That's why I remember. I shaved for that. I couldn't grow a beard. I tried to grow this out for you It's it's sad. I've never I've never been able to really grow proper facial hair What do you think of these Santas that don't have the real beard?

The ability to grow facial hair does not make you a Santa It's it's nice And I mean I love the fact that I can put this on and so when a kid comes up and gives me the Natalie Wood Ed Gwynn tug, I can, yeah, it's really glued on there. You don't look down on him, huh? No, not at all. I have a, one of my better Santa friends,

James Dinwiddie, is a designer bearded Santa, we call him. And he, when he puts his beard on, he looks top notch. Yeah, once you put the suit on, you're like, are you, how different does your persona become? I'm a little jollier. I think... I like to think I'm a reasonably nice person, but I think I'm even nicer. I'm, you know, very attuned to other people. I'm more attuned possibly to other people's feelings, I think, in the suit.

I can just... I read body language better. I feel like as silly as that sounds. It's just you pay attention and you just notice when people are really, you know, comfortable. If there's anything that they're not comfortable with, you know, you notice it and figure out how to work around it and make them more comfortable. Are kids afraid of you or you are? Because some people don't have that ability to, I don't know. So, you know, some people are just better at making kids feel comfortable. My wife calls me the baby whisperer. They all seem to like me.

And even the ones you get, two to three is the age where they're like, no, I ain't going to see the big red guy with the beard. Even them, I'm usually able to get a great photo for their parents. Have you seen people, lines get a little, you know, people getting out of control? I wouldn't say out of control.

I've seen people get, you know, a little testy, but it's, you know, as soon as they get back up to me, they realize, I don't want to be on the naughty list. It's funny, even adults behave better around me when I'm in the suit. Have you heard heartbreaking stories from kids on your lap? Yes. Yeah.

I don't know why it's not bad. Don't read my smile the wrong way, but I just, I can't imagine what that's like. It's my grandmother passed away a week ago. And I said, I know she did. She loves you. My reindeer and I fly very high and I will give her any message you want. What about getting the parents back together?

Is that still a wish? That sometimes happens. And when it comes to that, I tell them Santa's magic is mostly toys. Here's the thing to remember. Your mom still loves you. Your dad still loves you and Santa loves you. You should just keep going just full just

interrogate him and Pick sides like I think your dad What age do you notice some kids stop believing they tend to the 10 year old eight nine to ten year old range Usually some last a little longer, some a little earlier. But if you're a good Santa, and I like to think that I'm a pretty good one, I can usually bring them back. What age did you tell your kids, Eddie?

Did you tell them? I think Oliver kind of like found out on his own a little bit. But what age are we talking about? I would say like around eight to nine. Yeah. Eight to nine. That's too young. You gotta keep it going longer. Yeah, keep the magic as long as you can.

Do you like children? Yes, very much. Have you always liked them? I didn't realize how much I did until I had my own. How many kids do you have? Two. You have a six-year-old son. Yes.

Does he know you are Santa? He does. Does he think you are Santa? He does. Does he think you're the real Santa? I think he knows that I'm a Santa's helper, but that I, that me and all of my friends, we help Santas, because he comes to some, like he's come to a Santa meeting, which, you know, there'll be 20 Santas sitting around, and he'll walk up and he'll decide,

no, this one's my favorite Santa this time, and he'll go and just hang out with him That's pretty cool growing up having having dad as a Santa now wait Let's talk about this you're not you have a six-year-old son some people that are watching this might be like wait a second Mrs. Claus how young is she? Mrs. Claus is Considerably younger than nice way to go Santa. That's what's funny. When you live in California, like, I'll tell you a story about myself.

I have a five-year-old son, and among some of his friends, I'm the old dad. You know, I had him in my 40s. And my son, you can never call me the old dad in front of my son. He will start to cry. Because he's processed that when you're old, eventually you're gone. And so he doesn't like people to call me the old dad because he thinks that means I'll

be gone sooner. That's really emotional. But I, I, I, I, I for some reason am fascinated by it. But I was saying here, like in Malibu, I go to pick up and there'll be like a 70 year old dad picking up his Kindergartener and I'm like, oh and he's just like yeah, this is my third time doing this, you know Your weight you look like you're in pretty decent shape. What's your plane weight Christmas Eve? What are you tipping the scales at Christmas Eve when I start off? I'm about 235

Oh, yeah, you're not you're not a small part. You don't look you don't look 235 to me start off, I'm about 235. Oh, yeah, you're not you're not a small party You don't look you don't look 235 to me. Well, I'm you down to and there's some change I get you So you what's the biggest you've ever been in your life about 235? So you're not gonna put on any weight for this. No, do you wear up? Did you wear any extra no stuffing? No frowned upon and no there are centers that do it. My view of it is I diet for an entire year and then Christmas Eve I eat 8 billion cookies. That's why all the photos you see of me when I'm so gigantic. You work out?

Yeah, a little. What's your workout? We have a Peloton at home. I have dumbbells and kettlebells I used to run a lot, but I've discovered that that actually strips too much weight off of me So you don't want to be you don't want to be lean. I don't want to be a ripped Santa Well, there are some there are several Santas that could take the sleeves off of their red suits and you'd be like Dang-gum Santa you were a mall Santa just one year? Mm-hmm. What's the pay structure for mall Santa?

What could a high-end mall Santa pull in for the season? And how long is the season? The season can be anywhere from November 1st to about November 15th to January 1st. Wait, wait, January 1st? There are people that don't do Christmas, some of the Eastern European areas, they do New Year's Eve.

Okay, I thought people were like coming to you with complaints or returns. Nah. No. All right. First year Mall Santa, what's he pulling in? Depends on where he is, but like I had the pike down in Long Beach

and we don't like to talk about money but I made over 75 an hour. Mm-hmm okay and now privates that's when the money starts to get interesting. You can make a good, it's a good side hustle is that fair to say? It's very fair to say there are Santas who are definitively making six figures. Off just being a Santa Claus. Just being Santa. Ah, that's exciting. I mean, that's what you want. You want Santa to get paid. Is there a pecking order of the gigs that you want?

Like, you've done some pretty great, you've had some pretty good gigs. LA Rams, are you there, you're an official Santa Claus? I'm not their official one, but I'm going to be at their family party on the 23rd and they have a home game I believe the 22nd and while they tend to be somewhat late in their booking I have left that specific window open for them. Do you hate the Chargers? No, the Chargers were to call me up and say we've got two home games and I'd be like and I this year I'd have to say I'm sorry you waited too long. You work with the same assistant elves or is that just random?

The Rams, I have the same elf, but private parties, sometimes they'll book elves differently. Last year I had a private party that had five little people as elves, and I didn't know it going in. So I walked in and went, okay, this is the coolest thing ever. You ever seen this video? It's one of my favorite videos. It's Mike Tyson, and this little person,

he's 27, comes up to him, and Mike doesn't know that it's a little person. He just starts holding them and snuggling them and giving them kisses and the guys like trying to beat them off like hey I'm 27 and Mike's like yeah it's just delightful every time I watch that video I can just laugh for the next 15 minutes Mike had no idea now I'm gonna be hitting up YouTube when I leave here you'll like it you'll like it. You'll like it Let's say your calendar is wide open How much for you to show up Christmas morning and let my kids catch you leaving gifts if you actually?

wanted to do that probably 500 some bad I mean it's kind of ruins your Christmas morning But catching Santa sleeping is is one that they really seem to like. What? Christmas morning, they come in and I'm leaning back in a chair in your house with my empty cup of cocoa or milk and some cookies left and the kids come in, Santa Santa! Oh, oh, oh! I gotta get on the sled.

And you get out? I hand them three, four presents and I said, you want me to... I said, I've done my deliveries. You were the last house. Would you like me to pass out your presents for you? Pass out all the presents. I'm there for half an hour or so. Boom, gone. Unbelievable. I mean, you've got your own kid to get home to.

Yeah. That's nice of you, though. Are we supposed to tip, too? That's entirely up to you. Some do, some don't. We've booked on a pre-arranged amount. I know what that amount is. If that's what you feel my services are worth, excellent. Do we go through a union or are we going just directly to you? I have a few different people that I work with and or for, but you can go straight to my website and say I want you Christmas

morning at 6 a.m. and I'll say sure thing Daniel. What about the what about the the whip? No. The bell. The Bells? Yeah. Salvation Army. Those are mostly volunteer positions. Mm-hmm. I do a lot of pro bono work in addition to paid jobs and the guys who do Salvation Army, I absolutely tip my furry hat to them. I'll never walk by a Salvation Army Santa and not put something in their bucket. Well, I mean, do they look at you and go,

oh wow, that's the real Santa? We generally give each other a wink. You're the official Santa of the LA Zoo. That's right. I've recently been told that the LA Zoo is one that I'm allowed to go to with my children that they they're actually really really good with animals and stuff like that. Top notch. They they have a wonderful enrichment department. It's a great great zoo. It's actually bigger than the San Diego Zoo. It's, and their enclosures are all much larger and the animals all seem to really be content

there, if you will. Does Santa deal with animals too or no? Um, I will deal with, it depends on the animal and... You wrestle a bear? No, no. I've scratched one behind the ears though. That's pretty good. Yeah. There are people who have exotic pets that come to some of these events and I've had a raccoon in my lap, I've had a possum in my lap, had a python wrapped around my shoulders.

You ever eat reindeer? No. What's it? Well, I, what you would call, whenever you're in Alaska, that's like breakfast you order and it's like, oh, they have every... Like reindeer sausage.

Reindeer sausage is always like an option. I'm way too close to reindeer to eat them. November through December, I get the Santa stuff, but it has become more and more. It's expanding more and more of the year that you're doing these things. You do some Santa stuff in July. Christmas in July is becoming more and more popular.

There's a few things that come up in January and photo shoots actually start as early as September because people want them for their Christmas cards. I have baking Santa, I have golfing Santa, and golfing Santa is great for like if someone's having a Fourth of July golf tournament, a country club, and they want somebody to hit the first ball off the tee and they don't have somebody, you know, Nicholas isn't going to come over, so they're like, can we get Santa to come in? Yeah. You know, so I come and- How's your game?

You spray it off the first tee? Oh, I'm a hacker. I would have to improve dramatically to be terrible. I think it would be great if you just hit a shot and then just start swearing up a storm. I think they'd love it. I can't do it. No, all right. Weirdest Santa gig you've ever taken. Weirdest?

Oh, gosh. And are there any gigs that you wouldn't take? I tend to stay away from more adult themed stuff because there are plenty of Santas that'll do it and I just I like being there more for the children. Right like so if somebody calls you up for some Hollywood sex party you're like alright this is not appropriate. Yeah yeah it's like I'm sorry Santas you know that's too close to one of my other bookings. I'd love to, but no, thank you.

Uh, I mean, I'm just guessing that they've made the call before. I just found out that those things existed. I never knew. I always thought that- You never got invited? Never in my life. Favorite Christmas movie? Uh, Miracle on 34th Street.

Edmund Gwynn, he laid the framework that pretty much every Santa, maybe even in the world, is following now. Favorite comedy Santa movie, like modern? Christmas Chronicles with Kurt Russell's pretty tough to beat. Is it? I haven't seen it. He's funny in it because he makes fun

of some of the Santa tropes, like being really, really fat and... But, and just... He brings the Kurt Russell... brand of humor perfectly to that role. He was a great Santa. Did you enjoy Bad Santa? No, and I only watched a little of it, and I'm not gonna watch the rest of it.

I just... It's like, I know the Santa I wanna it, and I'm not gonna watch the rest of it. I'm just It's like I know the Santa I want to be I know what I want to portray and I don't want any What about elf where you at on elf? I like elf. Oh, it's a great movie It asner was so he was an it asner is in the Santa Hall of Fame. He's another Excellent Santa underrated in my daughter looked like Ed Asner for like the first eight months of her life? I found it very disturbing. Every time I looked at her, I'm like, you look a lot like Ed Asner.

Ed Asner. What about Tim Allen as Santa Claus? He was a very good Santa Claus because he managed to combine a great Santa with the persona of Tim Allen that we all know and like. And, you know, the whole, my favorite scene in that movie is when the cop is grilling him over what's his name.

And he said, Chris Kringle, what's your name? Cinterklaus, what's your name? And he got so mad at him. What's your favorite Tim Allen persona, Eddie? I like him in Galaxy Quest. No, I like the one who's in jail. That's true. Where you at on a Hallmark Christmas movies? Somebody wants me to be a Santa Ana one. I'm happy to do it. They haven't asked you yet. Not yet. Oh,

now that's something we need to make happen. I'm a huge Hallmark Christmas fan. I just like them. They make me feel good. They're simple in the background. Simple, but you know basic, but lovely stories, and the inevitably, you know, somewhere in Vermont. Oh, yeah. There'll be a kiss at the end. That's what I like. Does your wife get into it, or is she like, this is a bit much?

She loves it. She adores it when I'm Santa. She's like, her joke is, I think I have a problem. Oh. Yeah, I mean, that's like a real thing. You're like, she's in bed with Santa every night. Yeah. Ah, that's fun. You drive a Tesla, a red Tesla, with the license plate that says Santa on it, a personalized plate. Yep.

So you've embraced this completely. I love doing it. I absolutely love doing this, Daniel. One year my son went for Halloween, he went to Santa. And it was the best Halloween costume of his life because everyone, everywhere he went, people just kept screaming, Santa! And he just thought he was like such a star all day. So I just imagine all day long,

you're just dealing with this. I get passed on the freeway and I'll see people's brake lights all of a sudden light up and they'll slide up beside me and I'll hit the autopilot, roll the window down for them because I know their passenger's gonna be there with a phone and I'm you know right there in the window. They're probably like who's that young hot wife next to them? Mrs. Claus is gonna be furious. Everybody that's on the show TJ I

give them a gift. It's just I just unload stuff from my house. It's been it's been my joke. So let's see what I have for Santa. It's also very fun to give gifts to Santa. Now the first thing I'm giving is not for you. I'm giving this to your son okay. This is a slot car racing. His birthday is this weekend. Oh my gosh. So give him this. Now I'm gonna tell you why I'm giving this to your son. Okay. This is a slot car racing his birthday is this weekend Gosh, so give him this now I'm gonna tell you why I'm giving this to you cuz this one was given to my son by Santa I had a slot car race as a child. I loved it. So I thought oh my kid will like it and He's never once made a full lap

Or he refuses to let off the throttle even though I tell him every time the turns you gotta let off the throttle a little bit No car goes flying. So I'm like, I'm just done with it. So I just took it apart. He saw it the other day He goes, what are you doing with that? I said, I'm giving it to Santa Claus. I'm giving it back. He's like, alright Okay, you got any you got a driveway that you're dealing with? Yeah. All right This is a pickleball net Oh my gosh I want you to start playing but is a pickleball net. Oh my gosh. I want you to start playing. You play pickleball? Uh, no, I've been here. It's just, it seems to be like the hottest sport in the country.

So now you got a pickleball net. A portable pickleball net. That was during the pandemic. I set that up in my driveway and I played all the time and now I don't need that anymore. What else do I got for Santa? A couple of beanies to keep you warm. I don't need that anymore. What else do I got for Santa? Couple beanies to keep you warm. I don't wear beanies Not those anymore not here The kids they're full of germs and I'm guessing this new administration is never gonna let us wear a mask again So I wanted to get rid of my masks

This is silly. I don't know if you're gonna want this or not, but doesn't matter this This is a beard trimmer with all the attachments. I've never used that I don't have a beard and then this is like a personal I don't know if Santa grooms down below, but it that's what it's That's what it's meant for it's meant for all kinds of cleanup Oh, you can use it on any it doesn't have to be the unmentionables, but there's two different groomers, neither one of those, that one might have been used on a neckline before, but this one's never been used. Anyway, you'll love that. Get that off my desk, please.

I think that's all I got for Santa. Do you know a lot about Santa folklore, like in St. Nicholas? Yeah, I'm 1754 years old this year. Turned that on March 16th. I was born in Patera, which is now part of modern day Turkey. I gradually evolved during the Reformation when they banned saints. I was technically banned. So the Germans came up with something called Christkindl, which literal translation is

the Christ child who's bringing the presence. Christkindl eventually evolved through Linguistics to Chris Kringle. This is way too deep So, you know everything you know that he was a patron saint of children But also the patron saint of sailors merchants archers Repentant thieves brewers pawnbrokers toy makers unried people, and students in various European cities. I knew everything I think except the students in various European cities. What is that even mean? I literally just found this out as I was reading it.

But I did know he was the patron saint of pawnbrokers. That's why in the old school pawn shops they used to have three balls over the door. And that's because St. Nicholas took three bags of gold and gave it to a gentleman who couldn't afford a dowry for his daughters and those three bags of gold became the three balls over upon shop. This isn't your full-time gig. No I'm a voice actor and I work at Trident Dive Equipment. We sell wholesale scuba gear. Basically every little gadget that you have if you dive is almost guaranteed to be made by us. I've never scuba dived. Oh, okay. Well you ought to out here. I live in the ocean.

I surf every day in my life. I've never scuba dived. See I surfed a little bit when I was in Hawaii, but I discovered that I like diving so much better. It's just you're on top of a world that you can't imagine. I can imagine it and I get a little claustrophobic thinking about it. Okay, fair enough, fair enough. But out here we have the California spiny lobster, Pantalorus interruptus.

Delicious, and you can take seven of them a day. Do you spearfish? I used to, not so much anymore. Mostly I just, it's like scallops and lobsters are my Seafood of choice if I'm going to be collecting myself year-round you can collect seven. No, no, no, it's there's a season. I got it That's nice. I always know when that's happening because some of my neighbors are generous Yeah, and they share you what about free divers you ever deal with those you ever do any of that nonsense? Uh, I have but it's just like why I can put a tank on and stay down for an hour or you know it's

it's fabulous physical conditioning and I mean I can hold my breath for three to five minutes. Hold on we're gonna stop right here you can hold your breath for three to five minutes that is so impressive to me. I can maybe get to a minute 10. You could practice it for two hours, and you'd be up to two minutes. I've practiced my whole, I've served my whole life. I can never, I've never been able to hold my breath that long.

Three to five minutes. That's forever. You can fake your death for three to five minutes. That's crazy favorite brand of wetsuit, ah Geez, probably body glove. What's the thickest wetsuit you've ever put on put on a 9 mil, but oh my goodness How do you move you kind of don't I like the the 7 mil hyper stretches are best for me? I mean I find that I get it's they have almost the mobility of a 3 mil

But they do give you the warmth of a seven mil. Have you ever gone underwater, like under ice? Yeah. Is that terrifying? Little bit, little bit. We did the polar plunge in Antarctica, so. Oh, you have? You cut a hole in the ice,

you strip down to absolutely nothing and put a rope around you, jump in. I do it in Tahoe every year. You do? I jump into the winter, yeah. Nice. Oh yeah, it'll wake you up. They say think before you sink is kind of a slogan because apparently some people die all the time doing it.

Like they jump in, they have a heart attack and it's like, all right, you're not coming back up. It's like, you wonder how penguins can do that jump? It's cause the water's that cold. What's your scuba business do during this peak Santa season? Incredibly works out well because scuba business do during this peak Santa season? Incredibly works out well because scuba tends to slow down in November and December. So

they're able to give me very generous some time off and I get to go do events and work preschools and different stuff like that. It's just weird for growing up you know landlocked in the middle of Texas there in Navy, Scuba, Santa. I myself am often puzzled by how life works, but here we are. How long are you gonna do it? Until I am, I feel that I'm not convincing in the role. So I mean, I like to think that I've got another 15, 20 years in me. It's one of the few jobs that you age into, not age out of. Exactly.

TJ, I appreciate you coming on the show, but if you could do me one favor, I'd really love to have a conversation with Santa. Is that possible? I'm pretty sure I can make that happen, Daniel. Holy cow! All right, Santa, let's get down to it now. Hello, young Daniel. It's very nice to meet you.

It's lovely to see you again. You've met me before. It was a long time ago. Oh, I've been a big fan of yours since I can remember. Although I at one point I did find an area in my basement in st. Louis that had a lot of gifts with a blanket piled over it I don't know if you were just being lazy and you weren't traveling with them But well, you know moms and dads give presents to not my parents Let me ask you a couple questions if you don't mind

saying favorite cookies. Oh it's hard to top a good chocolate chip. You like sea salt on it? Mmm sometimes yeah it's it's one of those things where you want a little variety so sometimes a little sea salt is great sometimes just a good clean toll house can't be beat. What exactly are you doing with all that milk? Well fortunately Santa's not lactose intolerant So it helps to wash down that many cookies. I couldn't I can't imagine having to drink a glass of milk just over and over That's a yeah, they have that milk gallon challenge if you can drink a gallon of milk without throwing up It's impossible. You lie awake at night worrying about type 2 diabetes. No, I get quite a bit of exercise. You got to remember I'm going up and down

chimneys all night long. Why chimneys? Well, if you don't have a chimney I do have a magic key that'll unlock any house, but the chimneys just made for a dramatic entrance. I mean I tell you it just seems like there's easier ways to get into the house. Can you look into the camera and tell my son to use more than two squares of toilet paper when he's wiping? And please let him know that he needs to wipe more than one time? Hygiene is very important, young man. Be sure you get good and clean. That's a

Christmas miracle. That would be a Christmas miracle. Daniel I've been meaning to ask how's your brother Andrew's kids Ryan and Ada? Oh wow well you forgot James. Well James is on the nice list. Okay. I wasn't concerned about him. The other two you know. That's fair. That's fair. Are you allowed to tell us who's on the list or is that completely confidential? No. Well, let me just, let me see if I can read you.

You tell me if the person's on a naughty or nice list. Aaron Rodgers. He's right on the borderline. Okay. Jewish people. There's tons of Jewish people on the night's list. Good to hear. I didn't know if there was rules. Well listen Santa, is there anything we can do as a society to make the world a better place? What should we be doing? Be kind. Be kind to everyone, even if you don't feel like being kind. Kindness goes so far and is in such short supply.

You have one of the kindest hearts I've seen. You tried not to hide it under your sarcasm, but I know the real heart of Daniel. Ah, from Santa's lips. Listen, thank you so much for making everybody's year a little more enjoyable. We appreciate everything you do and good luck this Christmas. Thank you so much. Oh, wait. Santa can't leave just yet. Oh no. Oh no. I didn't ask for anything, Santa.

I know, but the show did. What is this? Look at this. This is nice. I didn't ask for anything Santa. I know but the show did What is that? Look at this. This is nice. This is for your son Do I so I don't open it now on that one you don't open. Okay, that's really nicey I'm gonna get this off my desk this one Daniel opens. I open this open it now you can if you'd like and I have something here for John Good this guy knows everybody that works on the show and for Pete. Oh looks like the same thing Something for Dylan. No one remembers Dylan real

And a little something for Eddie Ed Look at this unbelievable. You know what? I'm just gonna crack mine open real quick here. Oh Look at this, unbelievable. You know what, I'm just gonna crack mine open real quick here. Oh, Santa, what is, oh, look at this! But this is for your daughter. Oh my goodness. Holy moly, this is unbelievable.

It's like Christmas today. Look at this, I got a knife. I'm cool. You know what, Santa, I don't mean to brag, but as a father, I always make sure that any gift you leave that I completely set it up and batteries in, completely assemble it, unhook it from everything so that when they open it, it's not a 15 minute ordeal.

Oh, look at this. Oh, Santa, thank you so much. You got me a mug. It takes me so long. North got me a mug Takes me so long North pole pole hot chocolate Santa Claus approved. Well, that's really sweet. Yeah, absolutely Thank you, sir. Probably ought to open that one to know I'm open that do I need a knife for this one? No that one you should be able to just tear right into this looks like like you're giving me a flag for like one of my Oh, oh

Look at this if you're gonna have a mug, you need something to drink out of it. Hot cocoa bombs. Isn't that nice? Thank you so much and everybody on the show on behalf of them, thank you. Absolutely. Can I get, ask for a big ho, ho, ho? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho same day delivery go the extra mile to help you get more out of the holidays. For example, during the holidays, I would much rather be spending time with my friends

eating and drinking and catching up and playing games and just getting to enjoy each other than going to the store or sitting in traffic or whatever it is. Oh yeah, absolutely. My favorite parts are like watching every movie that I watch every year and cooking those meals together that you're going to get to enjoy. Those are the good parts. I would say that maybe standing in line is not my favorite part of the holidays. Agreed. Agreed. So use shipped for sameday delivery from tons of local and national stores near you, because less time shopping means more time for what truly matters.

Download the Shipt app, that's S-H-I-P-T, and let an expert handle the shopping. Hey everyone, it's John, also known as Dr. John-Paul. And I'm Jordan, or Joe Ho. And we are the Black Fat Film Podcast. A podcast where all the intersections of identity are celebrated. Ooh, chat, this year we have had some of our favorite people on, including Kid Fury, T.S. Madison, Amber Ruffin

from the Amber and Lacey Show, Angelica Ross, and more. Make sure you listen to the Black Fat Film Podcast on the iHeart Radioio app, Alpha Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts, girl. Ooh, I know that's right. Tasha! Thank you, TJ, and thank you, Santa. That was a real treat to have you guys on the show.

By the way, his gifts? I had one of those bombs, those hot chocolate bombs, they were delicious. Now the problem I had, I don't mean to complain to Santa, is they really stayed congealed at the bottom of the mug. It didn't fully dissolve, it almost couldn't. But I mean, but it tasted well. I don't even like things that have marshmallows built in but they they pretty much disintegrated So that was fine. We got some plugs to do

last-minute shopping you got to hit up boys were pink comm and Tosh show store comm get some merch from our beautiful podcast Check out Eddie's tour and Eddie's Eddie Gosling comm and Daniel Tosh comm for our tour come see us do stand up you know what time it is hit the music free plug okay guess that seems got spirited that seemed like a Christmas song of sorts unrecognizable in the spirit of the season this week's free plug is for Sean Curtis oh, oh god. You guys are awful

Curtis oh luck Cortez Olek Cortez Olek Kurt Kurt Zoliak Sean Kurt Zoliak Portraits and gallery that's all the way up in North Pole, Alaska If you're looking to capture once-in-a-lifetime moments, in fine art, Sean can make it happen. He specializes in landscape photography, capturing the aurora borealis in interior Alaska and creating personalized portraits under the aurora. Whether you want a family portrait under the aurora where dad awkwardly plays the guitar as everyone

fake listens, or just your typical snapshot of you looking at the Mrs. Looking up at that magical night sky. He even has a photo of a sea lion eating a fish. Anyway, I what's his name? Sean Kurtzoliak. Kurtzoliak. Kurtzoliak. Kurtzoliak.

Kurtzoliak. Kurtzoliak. Kurtzoliak. Kurtzoliak. Kurtzoliak. Kurtzoliak Kurtzoliak Kurtzoliak Kurtzoliak Kurtzoliak Kurtzoliak Kurtzoliak I guess K U R D Z I O L E K Kurtzoliak portraits and gallery in North Pole Alaska. Tell them jolly old Saint Dan sent ya and now from the vault An unreleased bedtime story for my son. I saved a couple.

You didn't know this was coming. I mean, you did at the beginning of the show because I said it, but you're excited. Here we go. You thought that chapter of this show was over. No, I still got a few. Here's a Christmas bedtime story. Give me a good one. I still got a few. Here's a Christmas bedtime story. Give me a good one.

Once upon a time in a so, so, so, so away city were two little elksies. They sang and sang. But one of the elksies didn't know what it sang. One day they found a reindeer, and the name was Fuda, the red-red reindeer. But they didn't know what the name was, so they wandered around, and they saw a sob, and they saw a bad guy. Daddy was very...

It was dark that we was in. The night that the park hit one, Frederick took his hand in it. But one thing we sounded true, we sounded peace. And no tone. Is that the end of that story? I don't understand any of that at the end.

Today's episode is brought to you by Shipt. With Shipt same-day delivery, you get more than just fresh groceries delivered to your door. You get time to do the things you love with the people you love. And one of the things I love is making a cheese plate and sharing it with my friends and playing games. Oh yes, good game sessions always. And with Shipt, there's a shopper waiting to check off your grocery list or make that last minute trip to the store so you can relish the greatest gift of all, more time for the things you love. Download the Shipt app, that's S-H-I-P-T, and let an expert handle the shopping. Hey everyone, it's John, also known as Dr. John Paul. And I'm Jordan, or Joho. And the shopping. T.S. Madison, Amber Ruffin from the Amber and Lacey Show, Angelica Ross, and more.

Make sure you listen to the Black Fat Fam podcast on the iHeart Radio app. Have a podcast or whatever you get your podcast, girl. Ooh, I know that's right.