Tosh Show - My Sex Therapist - Dr. Kate Balestrieri

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Daniel sits down for a session with the psychologist and licensed sex therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri that covers everything from treating couples and throuples to the orgasm gap and P. Diddy’s freak-offs.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I don't think my wife has ever initiated sex in the last seven years. How do you feel about that? Well, I brought it up. But yeah. Live from Los Angeles, it's Tuesday morning live with Eddie Gosling, Pete Grelje, John Elric, musical guest Dylan Stern, and your host, Daniel Tosh. Welcome to Tosh Show. Oh, I'm so nervous to be here. That's all I've got. How you doing, Eddie?

I'm doing good. How are you? Man, I am doing swell. Eddie, you know what we don't ever do? What's that? I would say we've never done it. In our entire friendship, we've never said I love you. I say it all the time.

You've never said it to me. I think I might have said it to be funny once. No, you've never said it. Well, I do love you. You do? Yeah, I love you. I knew you did, you pussy. Here's where I'm going with this. I'm not going to say it to you because that's fucking stupid.

My wife says, I love you to everyone. She's made it completely meaningless. Like, literally, we made such a big deal about it the first time that we said, I love you to each other after a year of dating. But like, when I just listen to her, every phone conversation with her friends ends with, I love you. Every conversation with any member of her family or my family ends with, I love you. Every conversation with any member of her family or my family ends with, I love you. But she's not saying it back either, just being polite.

She initiates our neighbors. She says, I love you to them. I'm literally losing my mind. She says to our HVAC guy, her hot trainer, she says, I love you too, all the time. You notice, I think where it comes from, why it annoys me so much, is because you always hear douchebaggy guys, you know, on these dating shows, Bachelor, you know, I don't throw I love you around

very, very often. They try to make it seem so much bigger than it really is. If I could go back in time to each one of my relationships, I would just say it on night one. Oh, I love you. Yeah, I'd say to every girl, oh, I love you. Just so you know, I say it pretty easily. I would tell everyone, why not?

Who cares? It doesn't mean anything. Just say it. If you're in a relationship or dating somebody for two months, just say it. Just, I love you. I love you so much. Well, this is what my wife has done. She's, she's taken the power away from it. So now when I tell her I love you, it's just like, well, who cares? It's like, I might as well just give you a handshake.

No, I'm not going to say that our relationship still doesn't have spice the other day, you know, I bought her Edible period panties. Oh, and by the way, they're not made from the fruit roll-ups. No, no, that's not sturdy enough They're made from jerky Wow. Yeah, it's a bigger panty. It's a meal and it's nice What's a meal and it's nice. Or it's a meal. If you're going to open up a pair of period panties, you better have an appetite cause uh, it's a meal. Is that turkey jerky or? No. It says beef jerky.

It's good. I got her the Thai chili ones. Oh yeah. Yeah. She said it the Thai chili ones. Oh yeah. Yeah. She said it burned and itched, but whatever. I don't want to go into too much more detail. I know our listeners and viewers are getting all horned up. I'm gonna ask you nicely.

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Enjoy. Today's guest will probably attempt to get into my mind because she is a licensed forensic and clinical psychologist and also a certified sex therapist, but I have a perfect relationship with my hot mother. So good luck trying to psychoanalyze me.

Please welcome sexy therapist, wait no, sex therapist. You know what? I'm just going to go with Dr. Kate. How's that? Hi. How are you? I'm okay. How are you? I'm doing well, thank you. Good. Are you reeling? Uh-huh. Good. Oh no. The first, she's already in. She's in.

She's already in. Good. This is a nightmare. All right, I'll start with, do you believe in ghosts? Ooh, ghosts of previous relationships, maybe. But that's the only type? Yeah. You don't believe in ghosts then?

No. That's a no. What about skeletons in people's closets? Metaphorically, sure. Sure. Good grief. Just so you know my background, I've never been to therapy. Never? No. Why?

I resent... I don't know. You know. I've never felt like I really needed it. And I always figured the cuckoo stuff in my head that I could live with helped me professionally. So I was like, I just leave it. Did you know that your face is changing colors right now? Probably. I mean it's, well listen, I'm aware that I'm on the wrong side of it. Listen, everybody can benefit from having somebody to talk to but not everyone needs to go to therapy.

So you make a decision about what works for you. When you live in Los Angeles, so many people are so open about their therapy. And I have friends that have been in therapy for decades. And I say to myself, why am I hanging out with someone that hasn't been fixed yet? Is it just forever?

We're gonna do this forever? No, people go to therapy for lots of different reasons. Sometimes they want a solution to a symptom that's really bothering them. And that's probably more of like a short-term experience in therapy. But sometimes people want a place that's a neutral space and they want a long-term relationship

with someone who knows them so that they can go back and get tune ups and check ins across lots of different milestones in their life. And it can be really helpful, right? Like we all have an accountant, we all have a mechanic, if you have a car. You go to these experts when you don't know what to do yourself. And so a therapist can be the same way. Same with a medical doctor.

When stuff's wrong with me, I don't go. Well, that sounds like a you thing. I know it is. Oh yeah, definitely. I'm just like, ah, that'll work itself out. You know, I don't need to use my back the same way I used to. Well I just wanted you to have, you know,

know who you were talking to on some bit. I mean, again, I think it's great for other people. Just not for me. Where are you with in-person therapy versus the teletherapy? It's such a good question. For some people, virtual therapy is the only reason they can make time for it.

It gives them the space, it gives them the flexibility to actually get into some of the stuff they wanna get into, which is great. For other people, they don't like it because they can't get enough privacy at home. They live in a smaller space Maybe their partner or kids make it hard to focus They want to be in person

I mean any doctor that lets me just like hold up my kids arm into a camera and will like send me a You know a prescription. I'm like, thank you So much better. It's convenient. Oh, you're originally from Wisconsin, went to school in Chicago. Now say what you will about the blown out of proportion, you know, gun violence. How much do you love Chicago? I love it.

I miss it so much. I wish- You go back regularly or no? I was just there a few weeks ago. Yeah, it's great. Oh, that's a good time of year to be there. It is, it's beautiful. There's a small window.

There's like three weeks in the beginning of fall and three weeks at the end of spring. That's exactly right. of year to be there. It is, it's beautiful. There's a small window. There's like three weeks in the beginning of fall and three weeks at the end of spring. That's exactly right. And that's it. Yep, rest of it you can leave there. Sure, sure. You began your career as a therapist working in the legal system with prison inmates.

What was that like? It was honestly such a great education because I got to see the worst of humanity and also the best. It was really insightful. Who was the best? You get to see the best of humanity in these really small moments where new inmates would come in and look most of the time it's pretty doggy dog in there but every once in a while you saw someone take someone else under their wing without another agenda. You saw them give

somebody something from commissary because they were having a really hard time or you saw them have a growth moment that was really profound. You know, there were just little moments like that that really shown through. My biggest fear in life. Going to prison. Yes. For good reason. Well, that monsters, but yeah, no, it seems awful.

How do you transition the career into sex therapy? Yeah, well, working with sex offenders for as long as I did gave me a lot of training and a lot of understanding to really understand the different relationships that people have with sex and how people use sex to communicate different things that they want or they need in life. I wanted to help people move away from a relationship

with sex that was really painful in some way to a relationship with sex that felt ripe with pleasure, that was thriving, that was healthy, that was expansive and generative in their lives. So that's sort of the journey. Who benefits from you the most? Is it people that have had like, you know, horrible sex trauma in their life or is it people that are just trying to enrich their sex lives? Both. Both, right? I work with people who have had horrific trauma in their lives.

People who have pain during sex, who can't get an erection or who ejaculate too soon or sooner than they would like. I work with people who want to open their relationship and they don't know how to get started. People who want to get kinky and they don't know how to get started or in mixed relationships where one person's more vanilla, one person's more kinky and they're trying to figure out how to make that make sense. We work with a lot of folks who are recovering from infidelity and trying to figure out why they went there. You know, we do a lot. A lot of people trying to fix their relationship. A lot of people trying to fix their relationship. A lot of people. Fix is an interesting word, right?

Fix assumes that there's a finish line or a finite point or that we're all these static creatures where it just like pop back into place. But that's not really how it works, right? We're all dynamic. So it's about integration, understanding, assimilation, you know, kind of creating a new path forward. So it's a integration, understanding, assimilation, you know, kind of creating a new path forward. So it's a very dynamic process.

I mean, the real fix is divorce, but they don't wanna do that. Is that a fix? Sometimes. Sometimes. Do you ever recommend that they get divorced? Cause you know enough information about one of the parties that you're like, this is not gonna work. You're wasting your time.

I might say that. I might say this is not gonna work, you're wasting your time. I might say that. I might say this is seeming like a fruitless effort. Let's explore that. I will push people to explore what divorce could look like, but I'll also push them to explore what not getting divorced could look like. I don't have an agenda for people's relationships. They might come in already decided

they're gonna get a divorce, but they're buying time or they want to try one more thing or they have it in their head that if me or my partner could just get to this thing, then everything will be okay. So, you know, I don't want to push people. I trust that everyone knows where they need to be when they're ready to know that. Oh, that's a mistake. I don't think so. Well, you say you have no agenda, but your agenda is you'd like your clients to be happy.

I want my clients to feel content and at peace with the decisions that they make in life and to have meaning and create meaning where they need it and want it and to make hard decisions. It's not always possible to be happy all the time, right? We want to create a life that has meaning so that we can sustain the parts that aren't so happy and really enjoy the parts that are. I enjoy the roller coaster.

I like real high highs and then I like just crashing. By the way, anytime I refer, have a sex question during this interview, I want you to know it's not about me, it's for a friend. Always. Of course, I get that. I have no, no. You don't even have sex, I'm sure.

I do. Do you? I have sex with my wife, you know, pretty regularly. That's great. For your standard vanilla clients, how many times do you want them to go at it a week? However many times it makes sense for them. Well, I'm talking about vanilla people. However many times it makes sense for them. I'm talking about vanilla people.

However many times it makes sense for them. There isn't an ideal, right? Because every couple is different. I don't think my wife has ever initiated sex in the last seven years. How do you feel about that? Well, I brought it up. But yeah.

That's all right. That's a start, Daniel. I think it's OK. I think it's OK that she doesn't. I'm like, you know what? That's fine.. That's a start, Daniel. I think it's okay. I think it's okay that she doesn't. I'm like, you know what? That's fine. It depends on why. For some partners, they'd be like, yeah, no, that's my thing.

I want to be the initiator. And for some, they're like, I want my partner to initiate more and I don't know why they're not. We've turned into like some 1980s sitcom where I'm chasing her around. Come here. I believe that. If I'm being honest about who I am sexually, it hasn't really changed that much since I was, you know, 14. Yeah, I believe that.

And I believe women change so much more physically throughout their lives, whether it's just, you know, as they get older, having a baby if they have a baby, you know, you got organs moving around your body, everything about them seems like it's just a moving target at all points of their lives. So it's, I always feel like, oh, this is, this is tough. I gotta refigure this stuff out constantly.

That sounds like a fun adventure. I should look at it that way. I'm just always looking for a cheat code. I'm like, all right, what now? What are you into now? Be talking less? Got it. I've been married for almost 10 years.

Can sex therapy shut out the part of my brain that remembers my 20s and 30s, when I was living the good life. I don't mean to say the good life, but no, that actually describes it pretty much. You mean like, do we have one of those men in black things where we can just and like out goes a whole decade? I mean, I don't know. I just feel like, is there a way to block that out?

Get rid of the Rolodex. Why do you want to? Well. Are you playing the compare and despair game, Daniel? Oh, is that what it's called? Yeah. Ah, no, I'm not playing it. Well, now I am now because you put it in my head.

So now I'm doing it. I can't stop doing it right now. You know, maybe you could use all of those memories as like ideas to bring fun stuff into your 10 year marriage. Whatever you liked about those experiences. Can they be a bridge into the now? There were just somebody new. That's all.

You know, I've never wanted to break up with somebody for someone else in my life. That's nice. I've always wanted to break up just so I could be alone again. Okay. Yeah. Is it really taxing for you to be in a relationship?

No, not now. Now the person I'm in a relationship, I'm just like, yeah, this is great. Amazing. Let's just ride this out. Anyway, is this what therapy is? This isn't bad. They just cut you a check at the end of it.

Venmo you. How does this work? I'll send you a bill. What's the most common reason someone goes to see a sex therapist? Usually because something's going on in their sex life and they don't know how to make it better. But the underlying question is usually something like, am I normal? Am I broken? Am I okay for wanting what I want or because this thing is happening? So usually it's about addressing something that they don't know how to make sense of

and making sure that they're like, okay. How do you start? We come in for a sex therapy session. How quickly do we just start talking about the weird stuff that they do? I wouldn't call it weird, but sex therapy is just like every other kind of therapy at the start.

It's getting a lot of background about someone, their life, their medical history, legal history, family history, social history. We wanna know who you are holistically, and then we're gonna talk about whatever sexually is bringing you into the space, so that we can have a really integrated idea of what's going on.

How kinky are you dealing? I'm just, like, are these people like straight up freaks? What's the scale? What are people into now? Well, I wouldn't use the word freak, unless we're using it in like a positive, like they're freaky, they're getting freaky, then it's fine.

No, I'm talking about, what do they just like have to like harness themselves up and all that and not? Have you ever tried it? No. Well then, you don't know what you're missing. That's fine. I've never been to Bora Bora and I'm okay with that.

Okay. I know it with that. Okay. I know it's beautiful. Yeah. But it's like, eh, whatever. People are kinky for lots of reasons, right? And it's not always about sex, at least not penetrative sex. Kink is really, it's a vehicle for intimacy, intimacy with self, intimacy with others. So people are kinky because they get to feel something in their body or something in the dynamic that they don't have access to otherwise and sex is a is

play it's play for adults whether you're vanilla or kinky but the kinky folks you know they get pretty creative. Now I've done my previous show that I had on Comedy Central I've been known to kink shame a time or two but I'll be honest with you in my defense, the internet is just a horrible place and I had no idea. I mean, half the videos, I didn't even know that it was, I mean, that's not true. I probably knew it was sexual,

but it's just so bizarre, the random things that some people are just like, no, I just sit here and comb somebody's hair for four hours. It's just disturbing. Is it, or is it just something you don't understand? I don't understand. Oh, also, Mike, come on. That's what you need to be doing.

What about people that are into that weird? Weird? This is going to get disgusting. But yes, let's just say poop. People that are in like, is it poop play? Is that a thing? Whatever.

It's a thing. Yeah. Do you have to sit there and act like this? This is acceptable what you're saying. Oh, you're into this, it's okay. Why wouldn't it be okay? It's disgusting.

Yeah, look, excrement can be really gross. We're all conditioned to think ew, ew, ew. And like, disgust serves a very- He doesn't like it. He doesn't like it. Carl's like, you're about to talk about, although he's ate poop before. Yeah, Carl's like, Daniel,

you're like speaking out of your lane here. Fair enough. Fair enough. Carl, I apologize. All right. People like it for different reasons. Some people enjoy that kind of play because it is gross and they like to lean into the disgust element or the humiliation element. Some people like it because they want to reclaim something in themselves. You know, everyone's different. And the important thing to remember, whatever the kink is that somebody's doing, it's a metaphor for something

that they're trying to experience in life. No, that's just some fucked up parents. That's all it is. You just got to tell them, get out of your office. And also, ugh, you clean the couch. Everyone's got different things. I know. That's the beauty of sex, right?

It is so diverse. That's the one constant, is that it's diverse. And human beings are super, super diverse. We all like different kinds of foods. We like different kinds of music. Why wouldn't we like different kinds of sex? I know we do. But no matter what you're into,

it's still, you just wanna to get to the finish line. The finish line is the same for everybody. Not necessarily. It's still. Focusing too much on an orgasm. Right. Can really, listen, orgasms are great. We've got to close the gap, first of all.

But. What do you mean close the gap? The orgasm gap. What's the gap? Oh, you've not heard of the orgasm gap? No, what is this? Oh, okay, so a big study was done a few years ago, like 50,000-ish participants.

I would have participated. I bet you would have. And what they looked at were people's gender and sexual orientations and their frequency of orgasm. What they learned is that there's a huge gap for heterosexual people. Heterosexual men have orgasms like something like 95% of the time.

Whereas heterosexual women have orgasms only something like 65% of the time. You know what I say? Who cares? I do feel sorry for your wife. But if you would have told me it was 50% gap, I would have been like, of course it's 50. I'm not shocked by that at all.

No, not at all. Okay. But it sucks for women who have sex with men, exclusively, like their orgasm potential is so low. Well, maybe they shouldn't be so hard to have an orgasm. Maybe. Sorry, I'm getting hostile. I hear that. Anybody wanna talk about it, Daniel?

Maybe it shouldn't take so long. Ugh, it's not our fault you're wired so tricky. Isn't it though? Isn't it? Do we need to talk about where things are? Do you want an anatomy lesson? Should I bring in my like charts? No, listen, I know what to do, but it's like, sometimes it's like, hey, you know, there's sometimes you're with your partner. And again, I'm not talking about my wife.

I'm talking about just in general. Your friend's wife. They'll say, you know, it's just not happening. You know, all the same things are in play here, but you know what, you can just, they're just gonna tap out. Yeah, happens. And I'm always like, as soon as I get that tap,

I'm like, oh, great. Three, two, one. All right, so there's a big gap. What do we have to do to close the gap? Oh, we've gotta be back. Toys. Yes. Do you say toys or do you say, are are we calm sex toys? We call them? What else toys accessories? Dildos you can say whatever you want Until those of all we do I take what dildos have gotten a bad rap there you go

Yeah, I mean cuz whenever I think of a dildo. I'm like, oh, that's that's disturbing but a vibrator Mike Oh, that's nice. That's interesting, but a dildo, I'm like, oh, that's disturbing. But a vibrator, I'm like, oh, that's nice. Oh, that's interesting. But a dildo, I'm just like, oh, gross. I don't know because it's a big fake penis. I remember once seeing a dildo under one of my friend's beds in college. And I was just like, you dirty hoe. I didn't say that out loud, but I thought that. Well, I'm just remembering now.

Feels like you have some big feelings about this. Well, again, they make dildos look like penises too. That's always seemed to me. Do you not like penises? I mean, I think they're fine. Oh, you think you can, you can't corner me. I'm out. You didn't get the three taps yet.

Hey, penis envy. Do people bring up penis envy? Well, I think a lot of people heard Freud talk about penis envy way back when. So there's a lot of mythology about penis envy. Do you ever just tell your clients, listen, this is how many inches you have to be for it to be a non-issue? No, cause everyone's different. Everyone's anatomy is different. Vaginas are different

in length. Are micro penis is a real thing? Yeah. How small can they be? Micro. Like what is an actual micro penis? I mean, they vary, but very... Would two inches erect be considered a micro penis?

Possibly. I'd have to look at the exact specs on that. I'd like to know what a micro penis, what the cutoff is for a micro penis. It's like a little person, right? They have to be like under 4'11 or something. I don't know what the rule is. Is there any correlation between feet, hands, and penis? There's different studies about that. I don't think there's anything conclusive. But recently I read that the one piece of anatomy that's most correlated to penis size is actually nose. Meaning what? Like a larger nose a larger penis?

Something like that. I don't know if that's true. That's just something I read recently. Huh. That's interesting. Mm-hmm. Can you get me into any of the eyes wide shut parties that are going on in Beverly Hills? I've got some connections. You do. So you know they exist. Yeah.

Hmm. There's lots of parties. Do you go to those ever? I'm not going connections. You do. So you know they exist. Yeah. There's lots of parties. Do you go to those ever? I'm not going to tell you that. OK, that's fair. But they exist. I never thought they existed. And now I'm being told they do.

And now I'm being confirmed. It's confirmation here that they do exist. No, there's all kinds of fun parties, not just in LA. Who hosts those parties? Different people. Sometimes organizations. Sometimes they're private parties. Like an Airbnb? No, like there's different companies

that sex party is their thing. What do they do to the house though? I mean, it's just, that's- They're respectable. No, they're not. Sometimes. It depends on who hosts them and who goes. Oh, I don't want to rent that house after them.

You feel like, you know, like if you buy a house and somebody just died in the house, they have to let you know, full disclosure. I feel like if your house was used as a sex party, they should have to let you know. Why? I don't know, so that I can scrape up some ass blood. I mean, I imagine that's been taken care of.

I've seen the forensic work that people do. You always, there's always a drip somewhere. Well, that could be true. How do they let you know one of these sex parties is about to happen? They send out an e-vite? Sometimes. I mean, it depends, right?

Some of the organizations that literally host these parties, yeah, you get on their newsletter. Some of them are by invite only. Some of them you can apply to be accepted into. Some of them it's like- Do you have to have a plus one? Every party's different, right? Some parties, no, you can come as a single person.

You always go, oh, there's Tony. He's always here alone. Just comes in glomming on my wife. Anytime I've been to a party in my life, I'm going to a party tomorrow night and I'm dreading it. Is it a sex party? Oh, it's a birthday party Anyway, but I just go and I just immediately my wife and I just she like we just go to a corner Right, and then I just keep saying like every five minutes you think it's cool if we leave now

That that's how I envision how I would be at a sex party I got mine. How about you? I mean, therapy could help with your social skills. Percentage of clients that are there by themselves versus with a couple. Oh, it's so mixed. I mean, our practice works with individuals and couples. Some specialize in one or the other. So we're pretty even.

I would say we're maybe 55% individuals, 45% couples right now. Some throuples, some quads. And that's where you stop. You know what I feel like the quads are trying to do? I feel like they're lying and they're just trying to get a better rate on their therapy by coming in all together. You know what? I'm going to investigate that.

That's an interesting hypothesis. It just seems like they're trying to scam the system. Oh yeah, just act like we all trying to scam the system. Oh, yeah Just just act like we all bone each other. All right, here we go Oh, I mean honestly you have these throuples come in of course and I would end that they have like I know your problem There's fucking three of you. That's a problem and an opportunity for them. But listen folks who are non-monogamous have Typically are better adjusted because they have to practice more communication,

more proactive communication, and they have to really work at it. Like one relationship is hard. So if you add multiple relationships to the mix, balancing all those boundaries and negotiating things, yeah, it's complicated, but it can be great. I wouldn't call it nonsense. Do you think humans are meant to be monogamous? I think there's a huge spectrum and there isn't a right or a wrong way.

Let me give you a little history lesson. Before the, I think it was the agricultural revolution, we weren't monogamous as like a group, a cohesive group. There was a lot more community play happening, community child rearing, community everything. But once the agricultural revolution happened and we started having assets, things that we earned, then people wanted more assurance that the things they were working for, so at that time it was like livestock and whatnot.

They wanted to be able to pass that along to their own children. So that's around the same time that we started living more in like a nuclear family dynamic and when monogamy became more of the desired relationship style because then men could determine the paternity of offspring. When we had a lot of non-monogamous sex as humans, that was less known.

So do I think people are healthier? Not necessarily. Some people really benefit from non-monogamy and some people really benefit from monogamy. There's a huge spectrum. And that spectrum, would you say that gay relationships are less monogamous than hetero relationships or not necessarily? That's a really interesting question. I don't know the data on that, but I would say there's a huge spectrum of people in the queer community who prefer monogamy and non-monogamy.

Well, I'm trying to get them on the hook for monogamy. Why? Because I call the other stuff bullshit. If you just get to go out willy-nilly. It's not willy-nilly though. There's a trade-off. You want to get married. It's like you have to suck it up and suffer. Daniel, this is why people go to therapy, right? Oh, to yell their

stupid views. Do you have a therapist to unload on? Of course. Now, are you allowed to just, when you're in that environment, just talk about all of your clients in a free form there? Great question. So therapists can have therapists and sometimes they might process some stuff that comes up for them from their work in their own therapy. But usually we have a separate space for that called supervision where we consult with other therapists about our cases specifically. Is sex therapy covered by insurance? Sometimes. Do you take insurance? No.

Okay. But we do offer super bills and sliding scales. Do you need it? Because you're usually hanging out with a bunch of elitist in Beverly Hills now, right? I wouldn't say that. Oh. But yeah, our rates vary. We know what we do do though, because accessibility is really important to me.

We have contracts with different schools to be a training site for therapists. So we offer low and no cost services with our students, their students. For students? No, no, no. We train therapists and students and then to the folks out in the world, they get really reasonable prices. Are sex therapists considered sex workers? That's a really interesting question. Some people treat us like sex workers. What do you mean by that? They want to come in and throw money at a problem and they want us to sort of like fix

it for them or address it in that way. Some people, I don't know if they really don't know what we do or if this is a gross boundary violation, but they will try to engage in some kind of exhibitionism or, you know, they'll do inappropriate things. I know what you're saying now. Yeah. So that happens for sex therapists quite a bit. Do you immediately report that?

My practice does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You ever have to report someone because they told you they've done something awful. Yeah. So in California, every state has mandated reporter requirements where we have to make reports, but it's really limited to things like someone saying they're going to hurt themselves or

someone else, we have to report that. If someone tells us that they know of any emotional, physical, sexual, or financial abuse against someone under 18 or over 65, then we have to report that. And that includes child sexual abuse materials. So any like sexually explicit images of children that they've been viewing or distributing or downloading knowingly. When you talk about pedophile stuff like that, it's a sickness, right? Would you say pedophilia is a sickness or no? I would say it's, it's a pathology.

Yeah. Well, it's just the one thing that if someone has, no one, no one goes, oh, they have a disease. And there's no, everybody's just like, no, fuck them. They burn at the stake. Yeah, look, humans love easy black and white categorizations, right? So we love to think of ourselves

as good people and bad people. And that's just not the reality of life. There's so many people out in the world who are really good people outward facing, and they're doing things at home that are really, really abusive, really horrible. It's like the most common data about perpetrators of sexual violence

is that it's always, not always, but majority of the time it's someone known to the victim. And when you're a child, that means it's a parent, a caregiver, a teacher, a coach, a religious person that has been entrusted with children. It's all these adults or older siblings around them. I got to get all the adults out of my kid's life because I can rule myself out. I can rule my wife out. Other than that, I can't trust anyone.

So no religious figures can go around my kids. The teachers, I don't know how to get around that one. That's hard Yeah, that's why it's not so easy to look at everyone as black and white good people bad people I think all of them are bad if they're looking at my kid. They're doing really horrible things. Yeah, that's awful Yeah, talk to me. Oh, oh we got to get into this If you were called to provide your psychological expertise in the P. Diddy case, what would your diagnosis be? Well, we can't provide diagnoses for people we've never evaluated. I know, but let's just go for it.

I mean, is this fascinating, this case? This is why I became a forensic psychologist, right? You get to understand why people do the most malevolent and dark things that they do. And why do they? So many different reasons. People's motivations vary, but usually when it comes to stuff like this, the motivation is power. It's wanting to have control.

It's wanting to feel superior, feel protected in your superiority. And having a sense of power gives people that illusion of superiority, and it gives them the illusion then of having some sort of safety in this world. I mean, I believe you. You live long enough, you realize there's every walk of life.

Yeah. But when you're living your life in a normal shell or what you perceive to be normal and you see how other people act, I just can't, I just can't wrap my head around it. Yeah. Well, that's good. You're not a psychopath. What's he called his little sex party?

What were those, the freak offs? The freak, and they went for like days. I don't care what you're into sexually. And I can wrap my head around, oh, everybody's into different things, blah, blah, blah. Fine. What I can't wrap my head around is somebody's into it for three straight days. I mean, no matter what I'm into, after said climax,

I'm no longer into it. I'm like, all right, let's get out of my house, guys. But you're assuming it's about sexual pleasure. And it's not, right? Sexual violence is not about sexual pleasure. It's about power. It's about being in control. So I can't speak to this case because I haven't investigated

it. I don't know the details. I don't know the psyche. But when people do things like this, often they're not even masturbating. They're not even enjoying it in that way. Or if they are, it's a short-lived experience. And then they come back to, you know, kind of resting on this idea of I did this.

This is my doing. And that gives them a sense of control. We've seen that with lots of kinds of situations where perpetrators are found to have hosted public events in a non-consensual way. Well, okay, I'm going to get off this, but it's just so fresh right now in the news. Like, anytime something goes three days, like whenever you're watching a movie, and like a Jason Bourne movie, and he's on the run, and it's like, well, when are you taking a nap? When are you going to the bathroom? PJ still had to go out normal day activities.

Like when was he checking emails? Like, wow, all this nonsense is going on in the living room. Just the smell alone. I'm just confused. Oh, he's going away, isn't he? He's going to get locked up. I know you don't know the particulars, but he's done, right? He's done.

See, that's the trade off. Yeah, you could look at my life and say it's boring but look at that idiot. Thought he was you know gonna ride that biggie fame forever. Nope. Everybody that's on my show gets a gift. Oh yeah but it's just stuff from my house that I don't want. I don't want your dildo. Oh you know that's funny that you say that. I was like going around my house like I don't have any sexy stuff to give but This this is the last interview that I'm doing with this table Wow So I'm giving you this table. I don't know where you're gonna put it, but this table is now yours That is just so generous. Thank you. So I need you to take this with you. Get your, get your, get my mug off your table. I have this candle too.

You, this is sensual Amber. You're going to love that candle. Thank you. That's your table. So I guess you can keep it on there. Thank you. Oh, this, I wanted you to have this. This is, I don't, never, I'm always paranoid to get rid of my old computers because there's probably stuff on there that I don't want. But this one, I figure you're legally, you can't look at that. And there's nothing on there

that you would be freaked out by. So I'm just gonna give you my old computer as well. Wow, that is very generous. All right, can you sit down on the floor? Your gifts, I'm really excited for you to have these things. Thank you. You're things. Thank you. You're welcome. Are you in a relationship currently?

I am. How long have you been in a relationship? Uh, five years? Over five years now. What's the longest you've ever been in a relationship? This one. Look at that. Mm-hmm. You think you're gonna go the distance?

I don't know what that means. 30 to 40 more years. Maybe. We'll see. Would you like that? Do you want to grow old with someone or no? I think there's benefits to that for sure. And there are benefits to maybe not doing that.

It all depends on the quality of the relationship that someone's in. If it's great, like, yeah, why wouldn't you want to go the distance in that? But if it's something that isn't a good fit for one or both people, I don't recommend going the distance just to say you went. I feel like it's just like a contest. Let's see if we can do it. That's your motivation, go for it. Do you have a safe word in your relationship? Sure.

You do? Yeah. Okay, that's all I need to know. I'm not gonna tell you what it is though. Mine's call 911. That's very safe. Total boner killer too. I just scream.

Well, there's only one boner in the room and if I'm screaming killer too. I just scream it. Well, there's only one boner in the room and if I'm screaming call 911, somebody better do it. Exactly. Where do you put sex in a relationship? What number is it as like things that are the most important to you? It's totally different based on the partners in every relationship. For some people that's like number one priority and that's fine.

For other people it's like, it's nice, great, we'll do it when we want to. And it's maybe two, three, four, even fifth down in the rung of priorities and that's okay. As long as there's cohesion between partners on how to prioritize sex. Mine is usually number two in the morning. By the evening it's down to like nine. I get that. usually number two in the morning. By the evening, it's down to like nine. I get that. Sometimes it spikes back up to two or three, and then it just immediately drops again

into the low teens. When is my sexual drive gonna fall off a cliff? I'm 49 right now. Do you have a general idea of when that should happen? So, I mean, for people with penises, it's usually when their testosterone starts to decrease, but everyone's baseline level of desire and libido is pretty different. So your normal might be somebody else's high desire or low desire today. So in five years or 10 years, you know. When you're talking to 70 year olds, you ever talk to 70 year olds?

Yeah, of course. Are they still pleasuring themselves? The men? Yeah. They are? Yeah. Often? Yes. Did you? You know what?

Nightmare. When do I get to stop? Whenever you want. Well, you know, when do I, when do I want to stop? Well, that's a different story. I don't know. Right. You're saying 70 year olds are still sitting around yanking it. You know, what's interesting is that there is such a high rate of STD occurrence

in independent living communities and older communities because older people are people and they're having lots of sex and they don't have to be bothered by like the fears of pregnancy anymore. So- So there's raw dog in it and the old folks home. There's a lot of fun happening there.

Disgusting. The balls that must hang and swing in those communities. Jesus, just disturbing. Well, see, in here you thought men's bodies didn't change much. No, balls, ears and noses, they just keep going. On men, it's just a horrific. Well, that's neat that you talk to these old people and they're still disgusting.

Old people are beautifully sexual humans too. What's the best way to go into a relationship if you want your sex life to thrive throughout? With humility, right? And curiosity. Sex is fun, right? Hopefully, hopefully. It's great. It can be. Sure. It's a time killer. It's something to do. I'm worried about your wife, honestly.

Don't. Oh, well, that's fair. That's fair. Again, we're not talking about me. Your friend's wife, that's right. Yes, thank you. Yeah. So sex is great. And it can also be a landscape for all kinds of really complex emotions and really complex like social experiences. So I think there's a lot to parse out and a lot to consider when you think about how to go into a relationship to have great sex. You want to be curious, you want to be humble, you want to think about your intentions for

being sexual and you want to think about it as a Co-created experience, right? That's something that one person is giving to another person or getting from another person I don't do any of that. I just want to be attracted to the person. That's a start. That's it I mean on all levels not just a physical attraction The that's up there Kate thank you very much for being here. Thank you. I'm going to figure everything out on my own. I think you're doing a great job. Okay, I appreciate it.

Tosha! Eddie! Yes? I got some big news. And one, you know that I'm an ally and I support your decision. No, Eddie. That's not it. This is going to affect all of us.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm an ally and I support your decision. No Eddie. That's not it This is going to affect all of us. Oh this show Tosh show Now has merch Look at this, huh? I got my Carl shirt on do you believe in ghost sweatshirts hats t-shirts? Oh my goodness. It's a small pointed rollout. Do we have any shackets?

I don't think so. Will we get shackets? Hopefully one day. But right now, you can be the first on your block to rock some Tosh show gear. Now, where do you get it? Oh, that's interesting. Target.

No, I don't think it's available at Target either. Go to danieltosh.com or toshshostore.com. There's probably a link there. If you check the description on this video, we'll have a link. I mean, this is exciting guys. All right, here's the deal. If I catch anybody wearing Toshio merch out in public, I'm gonna run up to you and tickle you. Oh, yeah. Okay, and you by you wearing this you have agreed to be tickled.

I want to thank everyone in advance who purchases one of these items and then sees me out in public wearing it and does this. then sees me out in public wearing it and does this. Yeah. That'll be fun. All right, back to the show. Posh show. I want to thank Dr. Kate for being on the show, talking about sex for an hour, getting me all rock hard.

Then she takes our table. I got nothing to hide but boner. Ah, that's a shame well I'm looking forward to our new table and my new boner we got some plugs this week Carl we got our boys were pink Eddie Gosling comm for his tour dates come see me on tour also our free plug segment. Oh this is exciting. Every week a new business or town something getting a free plug from us. This week, Eddie you're gonna love this one. Okay. I know how much you love magic. Pete too. Pete loves magic. I got two

people in a room of four people that love magic Carl not so much This week's free plug Abbott's magic shop in colon, Michigan The magic capital of the world you find yourself in colon head on over to Abbott's for a wide selection of new and gently Used magic items you ever heard the term gently used. It's ridiculous. I just found out about colon Gently used it's ridiculous. I just found out about colon The butthole of America if you ask me, but you I bet you they've never heard that over there at colon Anyway, if you're in the market for some failed magicians chalet duck bucket Get one for a bargain over there 400 bucks or gently used 10 inch featherweight linking rings

They're gonna run you around 650 over at Abbott's Magic Shop. I'm told the 12 inch ones normally cost around 750, but they're currently out of stock. All right. That's it. Abbott's Magic Shop in Cullen, Michigan. Tell them Tosh sent you. Enjoy. Uh, you don't get anything for that.

You still have to pay full price, but that'd be funny if you tell my sent you. They're located on St. Joseph street between canal and state street in downtown Cullen, Michigan. I'll see you next week.