Tosh Show - My Vasectomy - Emergency Pod

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

Daniel literally bears it all as he walks us through the most personal surgery of his lifetime, a vasectomy.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello and welcome to Haunting, Purgatory's premiere podcast. I'm your host, Teresa. We'll be bringing you different ghost stories each week straight from the person who experienced it firsthand. Some will be unsettling, some unnerving, some even downright terrifying. But all of them will be totally true. Listen to Haunting on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Meet the real woman behind the tabloid headlines in a personal podcast that delves into the life of the notorious Tori Spelling, as she takes us through the ups and downs of her sometimes glamorous, sometimes chaotic life in marriage. I just filed for divorce. Whoa. I said the words that I've said, like, in my head for, like, 16 years. Wild.

Listen to Miss Spelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Kay hasn't heard from her sister in seven years. I have a proposal for you. Come up here and document my project. All you need to do is record everything like you always do. What was that? That was live audio of a woman's nightmare.

Can Kay trust her sister or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams. Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the i horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Tosh Show! Hi everybody, it's me, Daniel Tosh, host of a podcast called Tosh Show. All right,

Eddie, hit me with the emergency pod sirens. Alright Eddie, hit me with the emergency pod sirens. Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo I'm driving myself to my vasectomy. Oh, this is exciting. Now, the reason I'm driving myself is because nobody in my family cares. And I'm not going under. So they said I could drive myself. So we'll see what happens. Get to watch the procedure. We'll see if they let me film. How bad could it be? Huh?

That's right. Spoiler alert. I'm still alive. I had a vasectomy. Oh man. Now going in to this vasectomy, I was, I was not nervous. During the vasectomy was not nervous, was humiliated, embarrassed, sure, but wasn't nervous. Now the reason I did it, first of all,

having kids past 49 seems weird, but also, I am my wife, she, birth control's tricky with her, with her bleeding disorder, so I was like, no, you don't need to do this, I'll take care of it. Now I talked to a lot of people, and they were like, oh, I can't believe you're not getting put under. Now, my doctor, he's the number one vasectomy reversal doctor in the country. I had to go in a few weeks earlier and they just check you out.

You pull your pants down, they squeeze your balls, you know, the normal stuff. And he tells me, I have to tell you before you sign this, that this is not reversible. Now that being said, I'm the number one vasectomy reversal doctor in the country. So I was like, Oh, okay. That's good to know, but I don't really care about reversing it. He's like, you're going to have the procedure as in Beverly Hills. You're going to be in and out. Then you're going to have to come back to my office about six weeks later.

We're going to have to test your semen. And I had went to their bathroom when I first got to that doctor, that appointment that day. And I noticed there were tons and tons of pornography. And I was like, oh, I know what goes on in this bathroom. A little jerk shack. Ugh. Anyway, I didn't, I didn't touch anything and I washed.

That being said, it's just weird to see so many publications of pornography still in print. Anyway, he looks at me and he says, are you sure you don't want, I'm like, listen, I've got two kids. I've got tons and tons of semen that I store in all my socks. I had some, I've got some stored if things would ever change.

And then leading up to it, I've talked to some friends and people started to, oh, you're not getting put under? I'm like, ah, he told me 50% of people get put under, 50% don't. So I was like, all right, I'll drive myself. I won't get put under and I'll watch it. I get there for my appointment and lo and behold, it's at a place that I know very well. It's at a fertility doctor's office where the surgery happened, which was not where his office was originally.

And that I had been there before and that those places are, you know, there's a lot of emotion going on there. There's women in there getting, you know, egg retrievals, embryos implanted, you know, they're being told that they can't have kids. So it's just a lot of stress there. There's a sign when you go to that facility, like, don't bring your kids. Don't show off. You know, people are getting cysts, drain. It's just all bad stuff. And then me and they're just, oh, I'm just in here to get my balls singed.

It's just a circle of life is what I'm saying. This place does everything from, we'll make sure that your semen, you know, makes a baby all the way to, we'll make sure that your semen makes the baby all the way to we'll make sure you never j***** again. That's not what they do, but you understand. Okay.

I get there, they give me the questionnaire to fill out and I always get furious and I don't read it. I just check no, there's just a thousand boxes. Cause you feel like if you hit yes on any of them that they might not do your surgery and you have to come back. So I just like if you hit yes on any of them, that they might not, uh, do your surgery and you have to come back. So I just hit, I checked no on everything, but some of them were like really silly, like have you ever had back pain?

I'm like, Nope, never. Of course I have, you know, finally they call me. Yeah. Uh, they call my name. I go back there and she's like here put this robe on leave the backside Open you can just keep your socks on Mike okay, and I go in there. I never know how to tie the thing because it's behind me I can't do a good job But I didn't have to tie this one because it only had one string on one side the other side had ripped off

Probably from someone's frustration So I just had a pinch it closed while I walked out of the bathroom through the common area to back to my room. And then I sat down. Now the nurse that I had was, uh, was young, kind of cute, immediately felt bad for her, like, Oh man, you're going to, you're going to see a lot today. What I picked up on later is she was relatively new or at least new to, um, picked up on later is she was relatively new or at least new to, um, doing this procedure because, uh, some of the, uh, a couple of the older nurses were, uh,

were giving her a lot of, uh, oh, this is what you should do here. This is what she might've just been an intern. Maybe when I wasn't looking at stuff, I signed that, yeah, sure. Have some intern, uh, sit in on this one. So anyway, uh, I keep my phone with me, of course. And once I get into the operating room, they lay me out on a table, and they open these arm things for my arms,

and then they immediately pull up my thing and expose me from belly button to mid-thigh. So I'm laying on my back, arms spread, just dick and balls in the, you know, an operating room. So well lit and at least three to five people at any time, any moment are inside this room and I'm like this, balls and penis just up. You're probably going to see my penis in this emergency pod from time to time. I'm going to show you my testicles. Okay, but we need to be mature here. This is medical. I want other people to learn from this, to know what to expect going into it. I don't need people taking my penis or my testicles and then putting them into some AI generator

and doing funny things with them. You know, my penis just endorsed Trump. I don't want it. I had trimmed, I didn't shave going into this surgery. So I wasn't, I didn't look like a monster, but you know, she's like, oh, did you shave? There was an older nurse and she's like, did you shave? I said, no, I didn't shave. I'm sorry.

And she said, no, it's fine. And then she grabs this like little tiny hand razor that doesn't have like a stick on it. Like she just hold her finger and she just starts doing my balls so fast. And then the girl, the young girl, she comes over over with some tape like just a big piece It's not duct tape, but it's it's wide It's about the same width and she just starts sticking it to my balls like sorry and and like is collecting the hair It's like a lint roller. They're just quickly shaving my balls and then just she's just patting them then

They begin cleaning and I say they. There's three. There's three nurses. Two older nurses and then this one young girl. And they're just my floppy sad penis who's, you know, scared and rightfully so. Doesn't know what's going on. It's literally like the dream scenario. Remember if you've ever gotten a massage? I'm not talking about like a Place that the owner of the Patriots goes but a real place like a nice spa and and they're rubbing and they get really close To your privates and like oh my goodness is so close, but they don't they don't actually touch anything They tuck things the right way. This is the exact opposite

This is the exposed your penis and only touch your penis all of them at once They're just and they're just like it's just moving around, you know, they're putting iodine everywhere and it's just it's just embarrassed It's just whipping around. This is 10 15 minutes of more and she's spraying it with some some cleanser which it felt like if you had a can of a lighter fluid on a charcoal grill. You're just like going shh. Because like it was cold. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I jumped a little bit at that.

She's like, oh, I'm sorry. And then casually my doctor walks in and goes, oh, you guys, what are you doing? You never want to hear that. Guys, what do you do? Like, oh, they're definitely doing something wrong. He goes, oh, just tape his penis down because he saw it doing the helicopter thing. So they took a piece of tape just across my waist and taped it to my stomach. You know, like if you ever when you were a kid or on a plane and you've got a boner,

hide it under your waistband, you know, keep it flush against you. I don't know, you may take a long nap on a plane. You woke up with a heart on it. It's happened. Anyway, now it's time. Now it's time for the big show. He comes in and he's just gonna, he's got his own concoction of whatever is gonna numb me. And he's like, this is gonna hurt just for a second. About 20 seconds. He's gonna punctureure and you know, fill me and he's

and he's going to pinch hard. He basically you know finds the the vas deferens with his finger and that's where he's going to go through and he so he pinches he injects I'm feeling it I'm like oh and he's like you're doing fine I'm like okay but like that hurt it hurts I'm like, oh, and he's like, you're doing fine. I'm like, okay, but that hurt, it hurts. I'm like, okay, now we just wait a few minutes. There's small talk. He's telling me all kinds of things about other celebrities. And he's like, I can't tell you who this athlete is,

but just celebrity gossip. It was fun. By the way, while I'm having the surgery, guess what music they're playing? Literally 80s rock ballads. Like everything is about like losing love. And I'm like, is this a joke? And it had to have been, but he's like,

oh, it's just what's on. Anyway, next thing you know, my balls are numb. Can you feel this? And I'm like, no. And he's like, are you sure? And I'm like, whoa, no, none of that. So then he goes in there with his thing. It's just like a puncture hole, clips it, no, none of that. So then he goes in there with his thing. It's just like, it's like a puncture hole,

clips it and cauterizes it. And people say, oh, you can smell, like it smells like bacon or something. I didn't smell anything. I've got a great sense of smell and smells sometimes freak me out. I didn't smell anything. And then I was like, oh, that wasn't so bad.

And they say, okay, now we got to do the other side. And I was like, oh, I didn't think about that. You know, you got two balls. It's basically you're going in for two surgeries, one for each boy. And so then the exact same thing, pinch, painful, inject, hole, sticks it in clips, cauterizes. And that's it. I pulled my phone out at one point. He's like, put your phone away, man. I'm like, all right, sorry. Then I pulled it out again. I took a phone out at one point and he's like, put your phone away, man. I'm like, all right, sorry. Then I pulled it out again. I took a phone over my penis. Cause I'm like, if I'm gonna have one dick pic

in my phone, it should be of this. Again, so many people just in there seeing this. He's done. I thank him, I guess. I was like, I'll see you in a few weeks. I'm like, okay. I have to go home. I have to heal and then I have to masturbate

for 20 ejaculations in 24 hours No, not 24 hours. I think he said six to eight weeks. I'm like Easy. Yeah, I didn't think that impressed him but whatever so he So he finishes. Then the nurses begin cleaning me up. And they're like, can you like lift up? There's a lot of stuff underneath. Now they're like wiping my butt. I'm just like, and I'm fully awake and like, you know, everything is normal so I can help.

But I'm like, just keep doing it. You know, they're just rubbing me clean. All of them at once. Like just, it's almost like it's like a team at a car wash where they're just as fast as they can. Let's get this dick out and get the next one in here. And yeah, then they're like, okay, let's, you know, we'll go over.

And by the way, when she was like, go over your post up, the young girl, again, I could barely look her in the eyes at this point. I'm like, you should see me erect. I didn't say any of that But no, she's like you can read that's what she said to me. You can read just this paper Basically, I need you to ice your balls for 24 to 48 hours every 20 minutes I'm like, what about when I sleep and she's like, well, just go to bed

I'm like, okay good and they give you a jockstrap to wear and then they give you like 30 Medical gloves that they just want you to fill with ice and tie in a knot and they give you a jockstrap to wear, and then they give you like 30 medical gloves that they just want you to fill with ice and tie in a knot. And I'm like, why don't you guys have your own ice pack mechanism? Why am I using a glove? It's like a little funny hand job joke that you have for people that get vasectomies,

but you put that down there, you wrap it in gauze, and you put it there 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off for the first 24 to 48 hours. I don't know if I was good about it. I didn't have any swelling they gave me some Tylenol 3, you know the codeine one I took that one time because I wanted to get ahead of the pain when the numbing wore off and I never felt pain So I never took it again and then I took the you have a Your antibiotics that you take and you can't go into a pool of jacuzzi for a week

or workout for a week, I guess. I'm on day four right now, and I'm not allowed to ejaculate for five to seven days. And I'm told that feels a little different on your first ejaculation, but we'll see. I'm gonna do it on air. But all in all, a good thing. Now I have to go back after 15 ejaculations, 15 to 20, and I have to get two zero sperm count, you know, all clears before they say you're good to go to bang road whores.

I have to go back to his original office, go into the bathroom with all the pornography. You know, he's got to collect a sample. I don't think I can bring a sample in. I'll check. Pete, see if I can bring a sample in. Yeah, you can. It just can only be like an hour old. Oh man, that's gonna be tough. So I can bring my own sample in. What kind of container am I gonna put it in? They sent us a link to some on Amazon that we can use. Okay. I thought I was gonna have to use some of my Tupperware because I know Carly would get mad because we have Tupper Amazon that we can use. Okay, I thought I was gonna have to use some of my Tupperware, because I know Karlie would get mad,

because we have Tupperware that we give away to people. You know, I gave some away to my cookie dealer, and then I've got the good stuff at home that we use, glass. The next day, my wife scheduled a back-to-school pool party. So a bunch of my son's friends were over, and she's like, well, you can't swim, so you can be lifeguard, just keep an eye on everybody. I'm like, well, if somebody's drowning, I can't jump in. And she's like, yeah,

that's a good point. But then all the dads were asking me like, oh, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't, there's no way. I always think that's weird. Why? But yeah, the amount of people that are like, you lose some of your libido. When you do this, I'm like, how much libido do you need? How much libido do you guys want? Tons. You want tons? No.

How much more productive would I be my entire career if I had 30% less libido? That's a high number. I think you only lose like, I don't know, five, I don't even know what you lose. I don't even know if you lose any. In some men, I know there's some side effects. So one of the side effects is dementia,

which I think is a great side effect. I'd love to get dementia right now. That's not my problem. That's my wife's problem. I'm not gonna remember shit. Anyway, I've got a reversal scheduled for next week. Wonder what the fastest someone's done a reversal. I wonder if I could come in the

next day and get a reversal that would be that'd be interesting. Doc I made a huge mistake it just seems like such an easy thing for a guy to take care of versus counting on women to take a pill every single day at the same time. That's just nonsense. I know how irresponsible my wife is. Meanwhile, I've been sending anybody who asked, oh, I was a vasectomy. I just send them a photo of my balls during the surgery. All right, that does it for me and my sad boy balls. Eddie, Me and my sad boy balls. Eddie, hit me with the siren. Wah, wah, wah.

It's just sad sounding. My poor little balls. My poor little balls. Man, they went through a lot. Hello and welcome to Haunting, Purgatory's premiere podcast. I'm your host, Tereza. We'll be bringing you different ghost stories each week straight from the person who experienced it firsthand.

Some will be unsettling, some unnerving, some even downright terrifying. But all of them will be totally true. Listen to Haunting on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Kay hasn't heard from her sister in seven years. I have a proposal for you. Come up here and document my project. All you need to do is record everything like you always do. What was that?

That was live audio of a woman's nightmare. Can Kay trust her sister, or is history repeating itself? There's nothing dangerous about what you're doing. They're just dreams. Dream Sequence is a new horror thriller from Blumhouse Television, iHeartRadio, and Realm. Listen to Dream Sequence on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Meet the real woman behind the tabloid headlines in a personal podcast that delves into the life of the notorious Tori Spelling as she takes us through the ups and downs of her sometimes glamorous, sometimes chaotic life and marriage.

I just filed for divorce. Whoa! I said the words that I've said like in my head for like 16 years. Wild. Listen to Miss Spelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.