Tosh Show - My Wife's Single Cousin

Episode Date: December 30, 2025

Daniel shares his experience dining at The French Laundry and revisits voicemails from listeners interested in dating his wife's cousin.  Join our Patreon for exclusive content: http://patreon.com/toshshow

Tosh Show Tosh Show Tosh Show Tosh Show Welcome to Tosh Show I'm Daniel Tosh That's Eddie The Hitman Gosling

What's up everybody? Okay 2025 in the books This is our final podcast of the year Ed? Yeah You making any resolutions

No No No Big mistake, buddy I should be making them Yeah, I make my wife just do like a top 10 list of ways she could improve as a wife. Just 10, that's nice, very generous. Tell her, if you don't put it down on paper, honey, the odds are you're not going to get better.

You're not going to tackle the problem. And I help her. Okay. You know, I start off the first few. You know, you got to get the ball rolling. It's all like, you know, I need to start working out harder, longer, trainer, need to eat better. Need to cook better. Those are the first three.

No, that's one. That's one. There's a few subsets if you get it. That's good. Okay. Oh, that's silly. No, my wife, there's nothing my wife could do to improve. Just perfect.

Perfect. Not for me, but for someone. Let's go. My family, a lot of family time recently. I want to thank our former guest, the Smolier, Sarah Foote. Yep. she ticked off one of my father-in-law's bucket list items, got us reservations to the French laundry.

Wow. We're up in Napa. Now, was it one of my dreams to eat at this restaurant? Arguably, one of the finest restaurants in the world? No, it wasn't. I would have been okay had I never gone there. I was happy that we got the opportunity, thanks to Sarah Foote, to go. Was it amazing?

Yeah. It was amazing. That's good to hear. She made the reservation for us. Sarah Foote did because Pete couldn't crack the system, apparently. I don't know. Very disappointing. But anyway, she's like, I got you.

And then I'm like, oh, it's kind of a big party. How many? It kept changing. I'm like, it's seven. I love that there. Oh, I'm sure they do. So we have this reservation for seven. This is in the wintertime.

so you're not eating outside. I think in the summer, sometimes they have some tables outside. And it was just delightful. Okay, let me start with this, though. This is what they give you. Little laundry pin. It's on your table.

This is my receipt. Oh, we'll get to that later. You're allowed to take these, okay? I'm not going to get in trouble. They encourage you to take them. There are a lot of things there they don't encourage you to take. I had a conversation with one of the servers.

Listen, here's what happened. the last minute this reservation we're all excited about it the family my wife's parents her brother and Dr. Jocelyn who's been on this show and her husband

he was floored Eric Jocelyn's did I say husband they're not married they live in sin they have two children they are not married anyway he couldn't have been more excited about this I could tell

that this was like one of his bucket list, even though he's young, kind of weird to have a bucket list. Yeah. You shouldn't have a bucket list until you're at least 60. Yeah. I think as soon as you create a bucket list, death is knocking.

It's eminent. Yeah. Okay. But they have two kids, and they have never left their newborn. Newborn was like three months old, but he's like, whatever. They like called front desk at the hotel.

You guys got sitters? They're like, yeah. Okay, watch our three-month-old. We're going. So he was thrilled to death and you know an irresponsible parent but whatever he got to come but last minute panda who was watching our children you're like oh you don't include her you don't let her come to the rest no i don't and here's why she rarely eats she's one of those people yeah she doesn't eat a lot

she'll have a bowl of soup and say i had soup six days ago i'm fine so no i'm not going to waste money on fine dining for her anyway she was happy to help um and she's she was so she was watching my kids but then her brother john john you know the guy that got jerked off in mexico yeah yes okay he's uh in this world he's like going to culinary school i'm like oh he's got to come right so i tell pete i say pete can we add one more person to our table and he's like i you know they're not good about this and he can't get him on the phone and he's trying you know Sarah Foote's already done all the real work

got the reservation seven people and I'm like just it's one he finally gets through like this is for weeks leading up to it right I keep telling John John you're coming to Napa I can't guarantee that we can get you into the restaurant he's like okay but he was really sad and depressed

of course finally they call Pete back and they tell Pete oh no the table's for seven I'm like what table is for seven that you can't wedge into eight i can't even come up with a thing in my head now i'm not mad at them i'm not mad at the french laundry i'm mad at pete for not being able to pull this off then i say to pete i say pete why don't i just show up with him at the restaurant and tell him listen we're going to ask if you can join us and if you can't then you leave we've already been told no right but i don't

want to push it and i don't want to ruin the nice gesture that sarah did for us by by getting us in anyway John's like, no, that's okay. He's just going to stay home with his sister in the hotel playing with my kids. Super sweet. I go, no, no. You get ready to go. I'm going to get there. It's 20 minutes away from our hotel.

I'm going to talk to them when I walk in face to face. If you can come, you jump in an Uber immediately and get here. Because it's a big deal. Yeah. I'm not going to this restaurant ever again. I mean, maybe I do. It depends. Pretty expensive.

Anyway, we get there. I see the hostess, and I say to her, listen, I'm going to ask you something, but I don't care if you say no. We have another person. They are not with us. They are back at the hotel. If they could join us, then I will have them Uber here and get here immediately. But it is no pressure.

I understand we've already asked. We've already called in and bugged you guys about this. But if you can, that would be amazing. but if not we're going to have the best night of our life okay she's like well let me just ask my manager that shouldn't be a problem and her manager comes back and he goes that's not a problem and I just go I'm gonna fucking punt Pete through a door maybe Pete had a different number no I don't he did

they couldn't they're like of course they're like they're like what table is for seven that can't fit eight that's what I said the French Canadian law okay now now here's the thing as soon as I sat at the table I was like oh you know what it actually made sense that on the seven It is a circle The table was a circle But still

And you know And you get so many plates I understand We were nobody was smushed We were eight And now Am I complaining? No I'm not complaining

But I was like Let's just start As soon as we all The seven of us sat down We're waiting on a 20 minute Uber ride They waited They did The restaurant waited

Until he got there They didn't want to start The show without him I'm like Let his course pile up yeah you get some ketchup catch up john okay now let me tell you about the food it's good oh man is it good not as bougie as providence i would say okay you know not like oh my goodness what is this like the food was recognizable and i was just like this is amazing every everybody

was getting excited and i was you know the servers just the way they they come in at a table at seven and just you know like every time there's five new servers that I've never seen for each course and they're taking plates away and it's just beautiful to watch and I start you know I'm performing I'm on fire that night I'm like what hey hey the what type of stuff are people trying to steal and she's like oh the knives because all of a sudden when we got to this entree course they present you with knives that have a backstory and you get to pick which knife you want from this box and she goes yeah i watched somebody stick one in their purse and i had to like be like hey i saw i put in your purse you're gonna have to take it out that's

embarrassing that's very embarrassing big meanwhile i was like well i'm gonna try to steal one okay here it is here you go um no no i don't i don't steal um also a close bathroom to our table which was very exciting but i had doubled up yeah on emotium and guess what i was rock solid the whole night I was rock solid dessert was so good here's the thing they gave us five desserts okay five little desserts right but guess what they all came at the exact same time uh-huh uh-oh there's just and they're like little cinnamon donuts winner you know just every little thing a little pot the crem whatever just heaven just you just went around i just i just i devoured oh it was so good i mean just yeah it is it is what it is it's the best meal of your life now

comes the check right you normally you go to a restaurant like this i would i would think it's just like you and your partner two people yeah that seems like a typical uh party at the french laundry but this this was was eight people eight people and i was a little nervous when i saw uh the check and then i saw the bill and i'm like well that's not that bad bad. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. It was right here. It's not that bad. I was like, oh, it's only $2,600 for eight people. At the French laundry. At the French laundry. Now, guess what? Pete. Pete didn't tell me that when you make the reservation, now it's on there. I saw it once I started studying it

is that he prepays immediately upon making the reservation you pay for like the meal so this was just like upcharges and stuff oh wow oh wow is right I'm gonna have diarrhea yeah you know this is more than my first car oh wow and I bought a new car

you guys know I had an SI okay that's civic oh what's the final number i mean i don't what what do you i i it was it's big it's over seven 8300 yeah it's in that world so yes that is expensive um but but i got a uh close pin that's pretty cool okay and then after uh the dinner they took me into the kitchen they had a photo of me in their prep station area that i was eating there that night and then a quote of something i've said The quote that they put for me, I don't think I took a photo of it, wildly inappropriate. What was it?

I don't remember, but not what I would want attached to me as like here. But they just like, if they're serving someone of note, they put a little quote from them up. And I thought that was nice. And, you know, the family was impressed. We got to take a family photo in the kitchen and, you know, just as nice as can be. Ah, the French laundry. That's awesome. everyone was blown away.

So Sarah Foote, she made my family very happy this holiday season. They all got a taste of the high life. Yeah, they did. What was your favorite course? I don't remember. I was going to say probably dessert. You love dessert. No, there was a, the desserts were, the way they presented dessert was amazing.

Yeah, great. It was just perfect. But, no, there was some, I mean, there were so many things that were just amazing. But, like, how many courses just came out? Like you said, it was kind of. 10, 15? Wow. I don't know.

You know, then they're like bringing random. Oh, this is just something that they thought you would put in your mouth. Again, I don't do this often, guys, even though you hear, you've heard a couple stories from me. I'm sharing it. I was working up there. I did two shows in Monterey, one show in Santa Cruz, one show in San Francisco, had a couple nights off. So there we were. Did you meet Thomas Keller?

I didn't meet Thomas Keller, but we drove. by his house and apparently his old BMW right there like that's his car that's what he drives every day just in the parking lot or in the driveway so he was home but no i did not meet thomas keller i mean that would have been nice had he been there yeah i mean maybe you went to the house maybe he's not a fan maybe he doesn't subscribe maybe he picked the quote maybe the restaurant was at capacity when we added john john and he couldn't attend by law he could not come in That's it. Fire monster.

So many servers. So many servers. I liked my server. I mean, I liked, which throughout the night you have 15. But one girl I was having a good rapport with, you know, finding out about stuff. About the knife. Oh, the knife stealing. Anyway, get home to our hotel room, which is a cottage, okay?

I'm not going to say where I stay when I'm in. napa but it's at the four seasons and uh kids are asleep amanda's there i brought her a you know a few extra cinnamon donuts she didn't want them quiz nose she had soup a month ago so but i saved him for breakfast the kids would uh loved them and i told her i said one day one day you're going to find your mr wright but in the meantime it's working out real well for me uh that you don't have them I don't trust anybody else with my children. And she's not particularly good or responsible,

but the kids love her. And trust what? I mean, she's lied to me. I've caught her before lying. One time I asked her, I said, hey, did you book that ticket that I need you to book? And she said, yeah. And I said, oh, when is it?

And she's like, oh, it's like Wednesday. I'm going, when is it exactly? And then, like, she grabs her, I go, just pull it up and show me. and then she like grabs her phone and starts going through her phone and then at one point she just stops and just looks up and goes she goes I didn't I didn't book it yet and I go what were you fucking do?

Were you just acting and hoping that I would forget what you're looking for? Listen don't worry about that fellas She's not going to lie to you. She's a great catch. Enjoy. I gave bubs the collagen peptides to a guest as a gift recently. Otherwise I'd let you all watch me take a big old swig of collagen peptides but it's better to give them receive hopefully they'll send me another tub of it is that possible

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Please support our show and tell them the Tosh Show sent you. Tos show! You have given up complete control to me in finding your husband slash father of your baby, correct? Yeah. Just say hi to all your potential men out there. Just give them a nice hello. Hello. Oh, God.

I don't know how promising some of these leads are. You got one for me, Eddie? Yeah, let's hear one. Hey, what's up? I'm Bill 37. I'm a control systems engineer. Five, ten, over 300 pounds. Whoa. I rode a horse once.

He sounds every bit of 300. He said he ate a horse once? I mean, he said he rode one? He rode a horse. He heard a horse. He sounds like he broke a horse. He said over 300. So if you're 303, you're not saying over 300.

He's well over 300. A lot of number. is over 300. My name's Edl. I'm 5-8-160 towns. I'm a mechanical engineer, and I would make you laugh harder and better than anybody as ever. That just couldn't get any worse. Go be a grader.

That guy sounds like a r-a-ha-ha-ha. Hi, I'm a software engineer. I'm 5-10-and-a-half. I hate horses. I wouldn't care if they went extinct. Okay. First of all, five, ten and a half. He's really stretching himself.

That's where he starts. Yeah. And then he says he hates horses and wouldn't care if they went extinct. I mean, that's not going to be a good match for her. I don't think. Seems like the worst match. Hey there. My name is Andrew.

I'm from Columbus, Ohio. I'm 33 years old. Five foot 10, 160 pounds. All right. I'm a white guy. Come on, guys. Is he's 160? Yeah.

She loves horses, okay? She doesn't want to marry a jockey. Hey, big bro, call me back. I'm excited to fucking Amanda and watch sports with you, bud. But I like him. I like that guy. I like that he censored himself by hitting a button on his phone to bleep out what he was going to do to Panda. I would be an awesome date for her.

Amanda because, well, I would be an awesome day. I am the 12-time canola eating champion of the San Francisco City Festival in Omaha, Nebraska. I mean, this guy, the canola eating champion... 12-time. In Nebraska, 12 times

he travels for the... Is that where the only canolae contest is, or is that just a market that he dominates? It probably dominate in kind of a situation. The 12-time champion. I mean, that's better than Jordan. Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't, you wouldn't put him in, there's nobody you can

compare him to. Twelve. Yeah, no. Not LeBron. None of these guys have done 12 champions. Tom Brady, eat your heart out. This guy's putting rings on his toes. Hey, Josh, I got a proposition for you. You date Amanda

because you fit all of those and I'll start doing in your life. Think about it. Let me know. You thinking about it? Thinking about it? I think about that every night of my life. Oh, hey, Tosh. This is Luke.

I'm interested in Tanda. Okay. I'm 6.5. On 6.4.5, my dating profile 6.65. I weigh 1.95, 26 years old. Oh, young. I'm a barista currently, but I'm looking to get back into corporate America. I mean, he's, he's, he's technically, he's old enough to, uh, uh, he's a barista.

She could be his mom. Oh, there is, well. What do you mean well? Just, I mean, yeah. If she had her period by 14 or 13. Yeah, no, yeah. Then she definitely could be his mom. Look, isn't that all it takes?

Yeah. Once you had your first period? Yeah, you're flowing. She definitely had her first period by 14. Hey, yeah, this is, this is Rubin from SoCal. I'm an escape artist. Okay. No, please.

Hey, I'm interested in potentially being a partner for Panda. Good. Your wife's cousin. Yep. I'm 100% pure hunk. Oh. 6.1, 6 foot 2. We'll say 6'2.

Only the other questions. I can't remember. Did I mention I'm 100% pure hunk? 100% pure hunk. If you're 100% pure hunk, you don't even need to tell me your height. I know you're over six feet. He didn't say he was 80% hunk. Right.

Somebody 5'10. Is this the free wife line? I was calling for a free wife. I won't bother you on vacation or talk to you at all, really. I'll just go for free. Thanks. Are these the people that are listening to this show? That guy said, I'm calling for the free wife.

wife? Is this the free wife line? And she's not a free wife, guys. I've said she's into horses. That's the furthest thing away from free. She's going to cost you an arm and a leg. Four. Hey, Tosh. My name's Michael.

I am 6'1. I live in New York and I go between L.A. and New York for work. Now, I'm pretty good looking. I'm pretty tall and uh you know i like to have a good time go out in nature all that good stuff i will say that uh i would uh be really interested to uh date amanda now technically i am gay but figured i could go back and forth between l a and new york and uh you know be straight over

there and gay over here so okay all that all works out let me know i mean i think i think legally I have to keep keep his name in the hat. Right. Just because he's gay doesn't mean that he shouldn't be allowed to find love.

Exactly. Mep-naman-a-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- Okay. You can't put a phone number up. That's what I've learned. That's what people should do. They should call and just, was he singing? Or did he, I think he said Amanda at the end. Play that last part of the very end again.

Yeah, I think he says Amanda right there. Could be. I like it. I like it. I don't know, I don't know what he said about himself, but I think he's a great fit. This sounds like love. Hi, Marcus, I'm very, uh, terrible. Ah, he just gave up.

Cool. This is a prepaid collect call from. Jim. An inmate at Florida Correctional Institution. This call is subject to recording and monitored. Okay. All right. So this guy's in jail, but he's in jail in Florida, which is where Amanda's from.

Yeah. So, yeah, maybe same circles at one point. It doesn't seem like he's going to have the means to provide. Can you buy horses with cigarettes? I'm five foot nine. I weigh 195 pounds from the fat fucker. And I'm 64 years old. Oh, geez.

And you'll have to pay for me to have my vasectomy reverse. Vasectomy. But I'll do it. I'd love to bang your sister-in-law. That guy's crazy. Listen, it's not my sister-in-law. You want to bang my sister-in-law. Have at her.

That's fine. I give you her number. Hey, what's up, Daniel? Well, my name's Andy. I am six feet tall. I just turned 40. I'm white. I live in Manhattan Beach, and I voted for Kamala.

I'm very liberal in that regard. I am a veterinarian, so definitely got the equine experience, and I do love horses. I've always said I'm interested in and excited to have kids with the right person. I am divorced once. I don't have any kids, but definitely very interested in meeting and getting to know Amanda. I laugh easily. I've been a big fan of yours and your show for a long time. Okay.

And I'm an aspiring surfer. So, yeah, I think you'd have a good time with me. But I think more importantly, Amanda would have a really good time with me. Whoa. I mean, this, this might be, this might be a winner. Yeah, this is great. I got to, we do a little background check and we'll set the, he's local, he's white. And that's, I'll be honest, that's actually a strike against him. Not because he's white, because he announced that he's white.

You don't announce that you're white. We assume you're white unless you announce otherwise. Yeah, that's true. Hey, Amanda, my name is Colby, like the cheese. Five foot 10, 200 pounds. I grew up in a small town in Idaho. My aunt and uncle had about 25 head of Arabian horses. So I grew up around those things and all their shit.

I am a heavy equipment construction contractor. I have traveled the world. In fact, I once rode horses on the Inca trails in the Andes Mountains in Peru. How old is this motherfucker? 47 years old, and I didn't vote. Ah! What was his name? Colby?

Colby. Like the cheese? Like the cheese. Oh, I'm the... I came around on Colby. Taking a lot of boxes. He's kind of funny. Well, he called back.

We got another message. Another message from Colby. Like the cheese. Let's hear it. Hey, Amanda. This is Colby. Like the cheese. From yesterday.

I realize that Daniel said something about making babies and at 47 I think my baby making days are behind me but don't give up. There's still somebody out there for you. Colby called back a day later to break up with her but he did it like a gentleman. He did. Which makes me think he would be good.

And what does he mean 47's too old for children? I had a child at 48. There you go. I mean, you can do it. Kobe. Al Pacino had a child like a week ago. He's 90. Hey, Jim, are you interested in marrying her, or is that not what you're calling about at all?

Oh, I'd love to marry her. She's hot, but it wouldn't work out. For several reasons, one of the big ones, I do not like horses. Howdy. Tanner, 30 years old, pilot, six. $6.4.290. Balding. Negative on equine experiences. We would get along because I will leave you alone while the wives go on excursions and try new things. Oh, man. That guy gets it. He's concise. 64. Balding. We're like the same person. Or he said 6-2 balding.

6-4. He said 6-4 balding. 2-90. Good. Then neither one of us are going to see each other's bald spots. We're like looking eye-to-eye. Yeah. Hi, Daniel. My name's Ashley. I know. That's a woman. I'm not a man. um but i just wanted to call anyways because amanda's really pretty and so is your wife and you um i'm 5-7 and i think you and i would get along on vacation well actually maybe we wouldn't because i also have ibs and i'm also always shitting my pants and i really honestly hang on i truly appreciate how open you are with it because it was something that i used to be so embarrassed about well yeah

I would be like, oh, I'm throwing up, and I would make, like, coughing sounds while I'm shitting my brains out. But I've just accepted it now, you know? I'm a pretty woman who shits a lot and sometimes can't go on long drive. Put that on a t-shirt. I will have to shit on the side of the road. I'm a pretty woman who shits a lot. There you go. Actually, I'm calling for Eddie.

Eddie is Hutch. We met in Indy. I would like to submit my own name. 64 years old, been married twice, got two kids, five foot eight, 180 pounds, retired, don't know shit about horses, but hey, I would be fun to hang out with. Hope you guys are well. Is that person calling for you? I think he's calling to, I did meet him in Indianapolis after one of the shows.

You know who that is? I know Hutch. He communicates with me sometimes through my website. talk to fans? I do. What the fuck is wrong with you? He actually called back. No, Hutch called back again?

Let's another voice met. Let me hear Hutch's next call. Eddie, Hutch again. I just saw the picture of her with the swollen eye. That's a hard pass for me. Sorry. Okay, but that's good. So Hutch withdrew himself.

I was coming around on Hutch, even though he'd been married twice, which I think is a deal breaker. He's 5-8, which is a deal-breaker. And he's old as fuck. we'll be right back I can't believe none of those fellas were a perfect match but we're not going to give up

we might have to have her on the show I think if people see the energy that she exudes they will you know maybe we'll get better callers because right now the callers are I don't know

not the cream of the crop what's the opposite of the cream of the crop The crust of the muffin. Well, we'll get some better guys. Don't worry. Don't give up on Love Panda because we're not going to give up on you. That was nice. It's pretty good.

Patreon.com slash toss show. Check it out. What does that cost? Five dollars. Wow. My first farewell tour. On sale now. Markets everywhere.

Oh, what's that cost? What a ticket is? cost to see us perform eddie do you know i guess 80 to 120 no what more it better not be that much no less i bet you i bet you's way less if you're buying them second hand maybe but that's second hands on you i'm giving you plenty of time to scoop up those tickets while they're affordable and lord knows the economy is just heading in the right direction but we're also performing in Canada and vice versa. So depending on whose dollar is stronger,

maybe you go from one to the other. Right. Toshoshostore.com. Get some merch. Now, do we have some new voicemails? We do. For my wife's cousin panda, let's hear them. Hey there, Dan.

Big fanci, so 9. I'm John 6.3. I'm 33. I weigh 220. Also, from 314 St. Louis, which literally means nothing, spent a lot of time on my aunt's ranch where she had three horses. So I'm horse comfortable, but not mentally ill. I repeat, not mentally ill. Good.

I'm very giving, broad sense of humor, and financially well-off. The biggest state to my claim is I will unwaveringly baker's side and any family matter or otherwise, and I'll be looking forward to probably never. hearing from you okay every good day we got it yeah we got the winner yeah that guy's gonna always be on my side right i need an extra vote because right now it every vote that happens in our families it's always like 14 to one hmm you get an alliance now now it's gonna be two yep good i like him that guy seems pretty good he's you know 33 a little young but that's that's fine he's big That's going to be scary St. Louis 33

So that seems a little older Oh I love St. Louis Man Every time I get a chance To go up that arch I do it And it crack open a bush

I love a When I'm in St. Louis I love a bush beer Okay I like to go open the arch Yep I have a toasted ravioli I'm going to head on over

To elephant rock I don't know elephant rock There's a place, Johnson Shuddens. In the summer, you can climb on rocks. All right. Yeah. We got in any other callers? Yep.

We got more callers? One more. One more caller. Let's hear them. I'm Al. I'm married 6-6, 200 pounds. I run my own company. I'm Canadian.

Realistically, I just want to bang Daniel. So that's the only reason why I'm trying to do this. I mean, big Canadian. Right. I'm scared Yeah he is big I don't I don't If you marry my wife's cousin

You don't get to bang me He's married already Oh right Well he's Canadian He doesn't have an American wife Doesn't matter right New wife down here bangs you Canadian guy Bingham

No I don't want this I don't want this guy anywhere near my family It's a maniac Crazy person This is a big huge dude Want to bang me Well Hopefully 2026

We find her love See you next year.