Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 13 - Jail Is Fackin' Awesome

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

The rain ain't coming and the fires are spreading - no wonder Bubs wants to stay in jail! Before he hides under Julian's bed, they discuss giant rats, vampire cocks, and Ricky's woodland pyromania. Plus: Got the hangover from Hell? Cure it with a marathon run!

No, I'm actually scared to be in the park because of the fires. It's too dangerous. You know what? This is the safest way as you can be. Well, I know, but do you think you could ask them? How would I ask Ronnie if I could stay in here? You just can't ask to come in here, Bubbs. You got to do some.

I'm technically allowed to be out now. Me too. I've asked him if I could stay a little longer because I can't trust myself. What do you mean you can't trust yourself? What happens with me when somebody tells me I can't do something? He's gonna... He's gonna laid up the whole fucking province, but... Now you're not even allowed in the fucking woods.

You go in the woods right now? 25 grand. Oh, I know. You light a fire, 25 grand. So I'm up to 50 grand, easy. I don't want to be around the forest. There was a fire down at Nickerson yesterday. but they got it just in time and she was just about to go up like a fucking tender well you know what's fucked up it's not only 25 grand you gotta put they tax that money

as well so it's really like 28 grand or something you got to be tax on a fucking fine they paid you've got to pay taxes on the fine so it's like 28,000 something that's fucked Ronnie I mean there's empty cells would Ronnie let me stay in here you got to do something I can pull some strings you know what you do what you do what you go out and you fucking, if you, I don't know, do you get road rage at all? No. Okay, well, maybe start something with somebody. I'm not getting in a road rage incident.

Pull over and slash someone's tires. He slashed one tire going to jail. I'd get one week. But then somebody, some poor fellas, but all on his tire. Fuck them. You want any, you gotta do something, bubs. I'd get wasted and I go to City Hall. Pull your bird out in front of the fence.

I'm not pulling my bird out. City Hall. No, then you're fucking... Then you got a reputation. I'm not pulling my bird out at City Hall. All right, Phillip. What if I went down and what if I gave the finger to a police officer? Would that get me in here?

No, no, you'll just look like a tick by it. You could do that. What you do, go fill up your fucking car and just take off. Don't pay. That's not bad. That's a good one. That's not bad, I could say. You might get off, but you could say, hey, look, I did some wrongdoings here.

Put me in jail. I could say, look, I don't have any money for fuel, and I need to feed my kitties. So I need it gas. That's not bad. It's not too bad. It's not too bad. Yeah, I might get you in jail, and it's not a... But then you get in here, you fuck around.

That's not a huge one either. And you can stay as long as you want. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, I know I can... Once I'm in here, I can just start a food fight or something. Yeah, yeah. Start a food fight, get you an extra week. Fuck I wish I wasn't a paromaniac.

Pyromaniac? It's tough, man. It's tough for me. It kind of sucks being in jail in the summer. It does. Ricky, you're not a pyromaniac, are you? No, I guess not. Pyromaniacs, don't they like things to kill people?

I just love fire. It's just... I kind of like being in the woods. I hate fire. I love fire as well. Not me. I could do without it. There's so many fucking dummies out there, though.

That's they fucked us. It's because of dumb people that they have these fucking... They have these fucking these fines, man. Because like, I could go into a fire, I mean, woods, no problem, not start a fire. I'd never start a forest fire. As long as you don't have a fucking, what do you do to do?

I even tried once. Skip a rock off another rock, you're gonna start a fucking spark, highly unlikely. Could. You could mow the lawn and the blade could hit a fucking rock. That could start a fire. That's happened.

But who's gonna, I'm not putting, like, it pisses me off, man. Yeah. Well, we need some fucking rain, and they had a bunch of the forecast? Now it's all gone away. This is insane. All the lakes are fucked. We need one of those people with the divining rods.

Or the people that, you know, they come and make the rain. Those things actually fucking work? No, it's some horseshit, but... You think? People actually do that, though. Well, they might, somebody with a metal plate in their head, maybe. I'll try anything right now. We just got to get some fucking rain.

so I can have some fire. Bucking, you know what? I had a good time here last night, got hammered. Probably one of the worst hangovers in my life right now in jail. Wow. I'm having a good time, though. Making a bit of money. Hmm.

Fuck the woods. I just don't like being told I can't do shit. Doesn't I go against the papers of my freedoms and the rights of the Canada Act? Yes, the papers of the Canada Act. act, Ricky. No bad. State that you should be allowed to do anything you want. I think that's the way it goes.

We're not free people, that's why, guys. I thought one of your rights was, Thou shall be allowed in the woods to play. Thou shalt be allowed fire to cook. You're mixing up the Ten Commandments. You're mixing up the Bible with fucking the laws of the land. The laws of the land don't start with thou shalt. Thou shalt.

How's a motherfucker supposed to cook if it doesn't have a stove? That's what I'm saying. You can have a stove. You just can't have an open fire. Yeah, we've got to roast a bunch of different animals on an open spot. Well, then you don't roast it right now. You cook it on a fucking element. It's just not fair because of dummies.

Eat them raw, man. Dumbies fucking ruin everything. What does the raw squirrel taste like? Not great. How many raw squirrels have you? Half of one. It was fucking horrible. Okay, I thought you were talking like 50 or something.

Oh no, I should have. I was starving to death. That was back when you were into that guy, what is his name, the liver king? That guy was eating raw meat. Survivor guy. Wasn't he full of shit? There's a whole documentary on him, isn't it? Oh, he's all jacked up on steroids and shit.

He's not the fucking Levergay. He's a steroid king. Okay, that makes sense. I thought he was in jail for killing somebody. He wanted to kill fucking Joe Rogan or something. Because he was all juiced up. I don't think of the tiger came. You're thinking of the tiger game.

Is he out, yeah? I think he's getting a pardon or something? No. I don't think he's pardoned him. Why should he? I don't know. I don't think he did anything. Oh, I don't know.

I didn't watch the shop. Carol Basset, is that her fucking name? Yeah. We met her two boys. I know. She should probably be in jail for killing that. He's a crazy lunatic. I don't know, would you take some?

Is there any proof she killed her husband, Ricky? Where the fuck is he? He's dead, but that doesn't mean she killed him, does it? She said he went on vacation somewhere. Wasn't she, wouldn't she hitting on you? Ricky? The fucking lady or the tigers. Hitting on me?

Yeah. She wanted to bang her or something. We never met her. Yeah, we did. Yeah, we did. Carol Baskin. Yeah, man. We did when we did go down there.

Did I? Pick that rescue, baby. And she wanted to bang him. I'm pretty fucking sure she wanted to bang him. I'm fucking sure she wanted to bang you. Of course she did bang you. This restaurant is... Maybe she wanted to murder you.

Open for business. What's on the menu, Ricky? Foot long hot dogs. Extra thick cleaners. What? What? What? Who said extra thick?

You said it, man. You did. You did it. Ah, boys. This is a rough one. I'm glad that we have... The lights are on the thing here. Oh, we're fucking shooting this, are we?

Oh, we started? Hey, welcome to... Park after Derek in jail. I don't know how long the lights been on. What were we talking about? Banging the line queen. The lion queen. The lion queen?

Was she hard? Was she married to the Tiger King? Yeah, no, she's... You know she's that one. She was... was she hot? Carol Basker. Imagine if she married Tony Robbins and hyphenated her last name. Baskin Robbins?

Then she'd be the ice cream queen. Carol Baskin Robbins. Ben and Jerry are her cousins. I'm glad that we have our health care kind of paid for her. This woman from Massachusetts was in Arizona taking some pictures and a fucking bat flew in her mouth. No way. What the fuck?

So her husband's like, dude, you probably didn't say that. That's just me. You need to get some rabies shots. Why, did it bite her? Well, or did she swallow it? No, she didn't swallow it. So she got four different rabies shots. She got a fucking bill in the mouth for 20 grand.

Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. That's a lot of money. All right, what did she? Fucking needles. How the fuck does she take pictures? How the fuck does she get a battener her, That's what I mean. Does she take pictures like this?

She was taking a picture and a bat fucking crashed down and got stuck between the camera and her face and she opened her mouth to scream and it went right in her mouth. Oh, fuck me. How big was the cock sucker? I don't imagine it was that big if went in her mouth. What kind of suck? She must have a big mouth. He probably thought it was a cave.

So once he got in there, he was probably, he probably got her with his little rady tone. A little claws, man. But she tried to fuck people over it. over. Before she got her ravey shots, she went and bought some health care insurance. No, that's... So in the next day she went for her fucking shots and the health care provides like, nope. Not paying, you gotta wait 30 days. Oh, 30 fucking days. But, that's pretty good. 20 grand for four fucking rabies shots.

20 grand for four needles to save you from turning into a fucking zombie. I thought if a back beat you could turn into a bat. Turn into a bat? Is that just in... That's the movies? That's a spider, Ricky. Oh. Spider-Man. Well, the vampires do the same thing, man. Vampire bats, they turn into a vampire, do they?

They turn into a vampire. That's what they say. Depends don't where it bite you, isn't it? Yeah, it's gonna bite. Like if a vampire bat bite you on the cock, do you turn into a vampire? I thought it had to be on the neck. Maybe just your cock does. There hasn't been any movies about vampire fucking...

What would have happened if you had a cop, a vampire cock, but you were normal? Be a struggle. It would be because you couldn't take it out to sunbathe it. It would turn to dust. I don't know if you'd want to take it on any dates. Were you saying that your cock, if it was a vampire cock, would bite somebody? The cock would actually bite someone? No, but you couldn't put it in the sun, because it would turn to dust.

No, the whole party. body. Imagine your unit had a couple fangs on it. That's not how it works, boys. If your cock was a vampire cock, if you were normal, and you walked out into the sun naked, your cock would turn to dust. That's not how it works, though. Yes, it is. If you're just, you can't have one part of your body, a vampire, the rest of it is not. Well, we're saying if you could.

You wouldn't want to be banging any garlic mayonnaise or anything either. What? Boys, this fucking conversation is just to people who... Have you used garlic mayonnaise on your wiener before? on your wiener before, Ricky? No, I just know that vampire cocks are terrified of it. All right. Put garlic mayonnaise in your wiener and you won't get bit.

That's it. You won't get anything. You won't get anything. I'm here about the woman in Brazil. She's found dead on a bus with 26 iPhones glued to her body. How the fuck does that happen? What? I guess...

What? Would someone put a hit on her? Is a smuggle operation or what the fuck is? Oh, okay. How'd she die? Cardiac arrests. From all the fucking 5G going through the problem. There's a fucking radiation that killed there, I wonder?

I mean, if you've got 26 iPhones... They couldn't have been odd. Well, yeah, you wouldn't think so. You wouldn't think they'd turn this fucking... Imagine that. But if they were on and you had all that 5G going through you, maybe it could fuck your hair up, could it? No, you know what happened?

It seems like a fucking pretty big coincidence. He has 26 phones glued her body and she dies. Well, remember when Dean put the phone up his arse. Remember Dean had the iPhone up his hole and it was turned on. Was he taking calls? He was taking calls. He wasn't answering them. People were calling and the 5G burned a hole in his rectum. I don't think so, man.

That's what they said. That's what Dean said. Maybe he had a hole in his rectum from something else. Okay, so back to the chip with the fucking phones. with the fucking phones was they like glued to her body or were they taped to her body it said glued glued oh my god you're not dealing with some fucking some high iqs with this whole matter i guess there's a big market for fucking stolen phones all right if you're gonna get a if you're gonna be if you're gonna be a phone mule maybe you should have a doctor's fucking like a do a medical

because that's the like what a waste of time i mean it's a good learning lesson why would you glue them to your body though gluing them doesn't seem right man that's a fucking weird one Isn't it? Like, what would make you think? Hmm. I'm gonna glue this to my nuts. They got a picture of this check with all these phones glued to her? They just had the picture of the confiscated phones.

I wonder where they were glued. How many? They must have ripped them off her dead body, I guess. How many phones? 26. Like, just picture that. It's a lot. One, two, three, four.

All right, that's one. One covers my tit. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Three, four. She had them all over her fucking body. Fifteen, seventeen, eight. That's a lot. It's a lot of fucking phones.

I mean, you could do a lot. If you did them right around your leg, you could get a lot on your legs, but you'd be walking like a... You'd be walking like a... A big leger. What do they call? The things that turn into cars?

Transformer? Transformers, more than meets the eye. Do you hear about this fucking dude in the flip-flops? Yeah, that's a marathon guy? A marathon guy? What a fucking laugh. That guy is.

Homeless, dude. He decides to join a marathon, right? Waste it. Waste it in flip-flops. He thought it would help his hangover. He fucking gave her. Eight kilometers. He finished the fucking race.

He finished it, man. He couldn't keep up with them, but he did finish it. He got a little metal. Wasted. Eight kilometers in flip-flops? Yeah. Drunk. Yeah.

And I'm over. And he did say after race, he felt pretty good. I must have sweated out all that boots. He must have been a young fella. Yeah, he's looking pretty young. I don't think anybody in their 50s are... No, I'd say he's in his late 20s. Look at this fucking guy.

I can't see him. He's got the flip flops on. Wouldn't think flip flops would be great to join? Oh yeah, no, he's in pretty good shape. See, that's what happens when you're hung over. You do fucked up shit. You can just start doing something. Was he drunk or was he hung over?

Because you can't be both. He was wasted the night before and he was starting to sober up. He was worried about his hangover, so he thought... He was right in the pocket. He'd get some exercise. Oh. Oh. He must have been...

That rat they found in London, England? No. They what? This rat they found... It was in the home in London England. Mm-hmm. Size of small cat. Jesus.

Twenty-two inches. Yeah. That's like a wharf rat, man. That's a fucking rat, man. Yeah, you go down to the Halifax Harbor. They got rats like that. I've never seen a rat that big. Where do I care?

22 inches nose to tail or nose to arse? I didn't get into that. That's got to be nose to ours. Be nose to tail. Then the rats about that day. That's a big fucking rat. Oh, Ricky, I got attacked in New York City by a rat. Really?

He was as big as a fucking suitcase. You sure it wasn't a kid? It was a rat. He was down on the tracks and I was in the subway. Late at night, I got lost. You were down in the tracks? No, I wasn't on the tracks. I was on the platform, the cocksucker was down on the tracks.

Oh yeah. And I remember looking down and seeing him and thinking, holy fuck that's a big rat. But I remember thinking, well, at least I'm way the fuck up here and he's down there. No way he can get me. He looks up at me and he goes, jumps right onto the platform. I fucking started booting her. That's a good vertical.

He had an unbelievable vertical. I was fucking running as fast as I could. People eat rats? Lots of people eat rats. What do they taste like? Wasn't it Donnie had that Chihuahua that had a 20-foot vertical? Yes. He claims... He claims a good jump.

He's full of shit. There's no way that Chihuahua fucking jumped 20 feet vertical, man. Well... I mean, it could definitely jump high. There's no fucking way. Chihuahua's jumping 20 feet. That's two stories. I mean, that's pretty...

That's up there. I saw it jump from the ground up onto his deck, but that's only like three feet. That's two feet. That's still impressive for a Chihuahua. Yeah, but 20 feet? No, I don't think he could jump 20, fucking feet. He might be able to do the long jump 20 feet.

A little bit of exaggerating. He was very fast. So he might do the long jump 20 feet. Maybe that's what you... You got a good leap. Holy shit, that is one big titty. What? Brazilian cow...

What did you? What did you? No. This is a storybook, your mom. This Brazilian cow produces 3433 leaps. 33 liters of milk in three days to set a new record. Brazil, you what? A cow.

I thought you said a cat. Boy, 343 liters. Over 100 liters a day. That's impressive. That is fucked up. All right, how many leaders are in a bathtub? We've got to like figure this out. A bathtub?

Yeah. It'll be a couple hundred liters. Okay, think about that filled the fucking cow milk, man. 300. Well, just actually Google the machine there and say how many liters in an average bathtub how many liters in the average bathtub oh 170 that's it yeah I said a couple hundred so a couple of bathtubs filled with fucking milk man coming out for coming out today what the fuck would that cow have to eat lots of grass man grass

makes milk does it I guess it does that's all they fucking eat basically yeah the good stuff and what's the stuff they chew on I got five tips like that they What? Could. The two on the could. They've got five tits. Do they got five tits? Okay, so let's bring it down.

Five nipples, Ricky. How many, how many liters per tit then? They're not five tits. How many tits are a fucking cow? One tit with five nozzles. No, every nozzles is a tit. No, it isn't? It's a nipple, isn't it?

It's a fucking tit. But it's all coming from the same Reservoir. It's the tits, man. How many tits on a cow? Hey, Siri, how many tits on a cow? I don't have an answer for that. Yes, you do. How many tits?

How many nipples on a cow? Every cow is different. No, it's not. Hey, Siri, how many nipples on a cow? I'm serious. Okay, use chat GPT. Oh, my God, so Siri's dumb. It's working. I'm going to the chat GPT, bubs.

Okay, it's called an utter, by the way. You're right. Utter mutter. They have one utter with five nipples. It's still working on it. Okay. I typically four teats. They call teets or nipples?

Nipples. That's what I'm saying. Teets. I was saying teats. They only have four? They got four. So we're talking about... Yeah, four.

That's almost 100 liters per teat. What are you doing? You're good at that. He's fucking milk. You don't want to, you know what? You don't want to be doing that little dance in here, Bobbs. Oh yeah, no, I don't. Back into the fucking shower.

One of the people to milk are their teeth. Yeah, he could do four at a time. Man, we gotta go over to this place called Germany. I think we've been there. We've been to Germany. We've been to Germany, man. Why the fuck didn't we go on the auto bane? We did.

We did? The Audubon. We were on the Audubon, right? Were we? Yes. I didn't know that. We weren't ripping around or anything. You can go fast.

Yes, there's no speed limit. Well, there isn't a couple places. Yeah, but there's a couple places where it's unlimited. You can still get pulled over if you're driving too reckless. This guy was doing 124 miles per hour over the speed limit. All right, that's going fast. 320 kilometers an hour. Yeah?

He didn't say what the fuck he was driving. It pisses me off. Probably a Porsche. Got fined a thousand bucks and banned for driving for three months. On the automobile. What a time. I'd be pissed off, man. Well, it was in the one area that had a speed limit.

Like, why didn't you wait times in the other... Remember when we were in Germany? We did the check and dance with the leader hosing on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was in Germany. Yeah, man. Yeah, at that beer guard. We did the fucking marathon there.

Speaking of Marathon. Yeah, I was in the Berlin Marathon. Yeah, man. You guys drove me to the finish line and cheated, and they wouldn't give me my fucking metal. Rollerblading. Yeah. You kind of looked like a dick.

They wouldn't give me my metal. I thought you did get a medal. They did, finally, but they wouldn't at first because they knew you guys cheated. You almost won. No. I caused a big fucking accident, remember? Remember I tripped and the old guy went over me

and he was fucking swearing at me. fucking swearing at me in German. I said, back off, you cock, sucker. Yeah. Oh, fuck, why couldn't we've been around this farmer, man? He's like, what a dumb ass. Farmer gives away 400 grand to the poor because God told him he would go to heaven.

Get the fuck out of here, buddy. Jesus. I can't believe you haven't got into religion yet, June. Why? Yeah, you should. You know what? You could make money. You're a good preacher.

You could be ripping people off. You know what? I was watching that show The Jimstones one. Very funny show. Right just gemstones. You know what? You're right.

I could become a fucking preacher. You don't pay taxes, buddy boy. I don't pay them anyway, but... A church of protein. Protein. Well, fuck yeah, man. I can start. I'm going to start.

Because you know what? I've been reading about the simulation shit, Bobbs. It's a lot... The Bible has a lot to do with it. That's right. I say it's the Bible is basically the fucking, it's the quantum physics for dummies. You could open up a workout church. Workout fucking church.

It's like 40 benches all... All right everybody. You're like, fuck preaching. Everyone's working out while you're preaching to them. And then you give out the communion, which is muscle milk. Protein bars and fucking muscle milk. Like fuck getting on your knees, no, just get down on the ground, do some pushups, and I'll fucking... You do the thing?

Jesus. The body of Julian? The body of Julian, the body of Julian. You hand out the protein bar pressed down into a wafer. Fuck yeah. And you drink the wine. The blood of rice, the blood of Julian. And I have like a protein fucking container

one of those big jugs, man, passed around, throwing the money in. The blood of Julian. Everybody takes a swag. You could be like Jim Jones. You know what? I think I could do it. I think I could fucking do it. do it.

I hand out some Kool-Aid. No, not the Kool-Aid man. Kool-Aid got fucked over because Jim Jones didn't even actually use Kool-Aid. He used the cheap imitation shit, and then Kool-Aid took the... Freshie? I don't know, but Kool-Aid took the heat for it. Didn't seem to damage your business too much. No.

No, but you imagine what the Kool-Aid man was saying after that. Eh-h-h-h-fuck! The Kool-Aid man. The Kool-Aid man. Remember that cocksucker would crash through walls? Yeah, I'd like to hang out with that fucking crazy bastard. The Kool-Aid man. He's fucking dangerous and fun.

I think he was a drunk, man. He was dangerous and fun, though, isn't he? Crashing through walls all jacked up on it. I wonder if he was, maybe he was doing, you know. Nose beers? Nose beers. Because he couldn't do it. He couldn't really drink real alcohol because he is liquid.

And I bet you he could snort things. He is a person who a fucking costume. He's not real. Cool-aid man. He's not fucking real. No, but the guy inside the suit, I bet you he was all jacked up on something. Speaking of the gym memberships and shit, this one guy was scammed into buying 300 years of gym memberships. What a stupid fuck.

He ended up spent $121,000 that got from this poor fuck. Jesus Christ. He's dumb. You know what? Good for you guys. This guy deserved it. He better look after himself. Well, he's gonna probably look pretty good.

And if he worked out for 300 years. 300 years of gym memberships, man. There was this fucking place in Slovakia. These women were walking through the woods and they stumbled across a guy. He was only wearing a balaclava in clogs. Okay. What happened? I guess nothing happened, but that would be... What would be your first thought?

Kick the fuck of it. of them. No. Why not? Party with them. You'd want to party with some naked dude, clogs in the battle of claville. They said they're a little terrified because he was naked, but he was actually...

I would want to hear his story. They were able to take a picture of him and shit, I guess. I would want to say, hey bud, how'd you end up here with this attire? Anyway, I guess it's like the third time that he's been spotted. So he's a compulsive fucking... Nudist. Nudist. And you'd like that.

No, he's probably a weirdo. I thought maybe he just got banged up one night. He did sort of apologize to him and said, sir, it's Monday. I didn't think anybody would be here. So he must just have a thing about clogs and baloclubs and naked walks in the woods. Wouldn't be able to do that here. You could fine 25 grand. You would. In case your fucking... In case your match, scratches against the tree. Hey, you know what? That might be a way around it.

Yep. If you're fucking naked in the woods, how are you going to start a fire? Like, really. Oh, that... You could knock some rocks together. Yeah, but come on. That's a fight. Well... So if you're gonna be out there, you strip down naked. If you get caught, hey, I'm naked.

What the fuck? I'm gonna just... Well, if you're playing flint rock baseball with your way... Flint rock baseball. Oh my God. See? Right there. Yeah, but who's doing that, man? Oh, if you're naked.

Mickey Mantle. I guarantee you Mickey Mantle's never... I mean to you, Mickey Mantle has never been in the woods naked fucking playing flint rock with this cock. Pete Rose might have been when he was all cranked up on liquor. He was cranked up. Betting on it. Betting on it. I bet you I can hit this flint rock 20 yards with my dick.

Pete Rose. I'd take that accent. I would take that bet. All right, you know what, boys? I need to start drinking again, bubs. Yeah. We need to do a rain dance. We need some fucking rain.

Do you want to try to have a drink? a sleepover today? Yes. All right, we can fucking do something in here. What if I just don't leave? Will they notice? You look a little different than the rest of us. You must have another gray shirt. Yeah, we just take one off somebody else. Yeah, we'll hide you in here, man. Where's Murray at? Murray can't use all of the shirts. He's in the cafeteria. I don't know what the food is today, but yeah, it should be something good. They're going to be coming back in here soon. All right, let's go. We got to go. You got to hide right. No, we gotta get the snow.

I'm gonna sleep under your bed. No, you can't. All right, everybody, cheers. Stay to the fucking woods and play Flint Rock with your bird. That's a new game. It's fun. What he said. Weekly episodes now on Trail of Perf Boys Plus.