Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 25 - Cosmos: A Spacetime F*ckery

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

Prepare for a cosmic journey with Bubbles that'll blow your mind... better take some f*cking edibles first! Chow down on a hairy Chinese snack and 16,000oz of booze, and get an update on Julian's cock management quest!

To watch the video version of park after dark in my fucking trailer go to swearnet.com or download the swearnet trailer park boys app Fuck off So you mean to tell me you're using the same shaver Electric shaver for your face as you do your grooming down there. I don't groom... You just finished telling me you didn't. No, you misunderstood. I have the Phillips One blade. For what?

For all the extremities. And then I got the Remington face here. No, but I... No, no, no, no. That's not what you said. You said you clipped your bag with the shaver, with the electric. I wasn't talking about that. I don't put the face razor anywhere else.

I got chips. I got chips. Hey, what's going on, Randy? I'm celebrating. Okay, buddy. Thanks, man. I'm celebrating, holy. What are you celebrating today? I'm still drunk, I think.

I'm still, wow, Matt. I'm still... Wow. Matt Burr. He's gonna be here. He's gonna be coming. You know who he is. World's largest penis. Randy, why are you... Like, I'm the one supposed to fucking do this announcement.

I'm the manager. Well, maybe. I'm the one that's supposed to tell everybody. I'm the manager. Well, maybe. I'm the one that's supposed to tell everybody this fucking news. What, that he's coming to town? You just fucking blew it. No, I was gonna tell, I was gonna get into it, you know.

Jesus Christ, okay, you're stupid, but I forgive you. What? Yes, okay. You know the guy with the, he's big. He's big down there. I'm not gonna get into talking about this much, because I don't give a fuck about that. The possibilities are gonna happen now.

He's got a large penis. Okay, people know that. Anyway, this guy, Matt, he's gonna actually be on the podcast, or this pad, whatever the fuck you want to call it. What? Yes, he's gonna come. We've got it. I've set it up. We're gonna actually have a fucking... The guy with the world's biggest wiener. Yes, we're gonna have a Zoom call with him.

I want you guys to be on your best behavior. We gotta come up with some ideas that'll rope him into him wanting to maybe perform in front of an audience, you know what I mean? Anyway, I'm looking forward to talking to this guy. I'm not gonna talk about his, you know what, much now because, you know, it doesn't really matter, but I could be a manager for- Apparently it does't really matter but I could be a manager for apparently it does matter no I could be

the manager for the man who's got probably the biggest you know thing down there unit well not probably it's medically confirmed see even better it is medically confirmed that this man is gonna be talking to us and I could be his manager so I'm pretty excited but I saw him on a different you different interview when he said there could be somebody out there with a bigger one, but as far as the medical community that has ever measured one, he's up the top. So is he in Guinness? I don't know. See, that's the kind of shit that we can milk.

Yeah, he'd be in Guinness. We can get an audience to do the measurement with this guy, the Guinness, charge, you know, 10 bucks a head. You milk him, Julian, I'm telling you. I'm not milking him. I just think that people need to see this, man. You know what I mean?

It's gonna be exciting, very exciting. Guinness World Record cock. All right. I know there's some people out there that aren't into this, but there's a lot of people that like to see shit like this or talk about it. It's just a Guinness thing. Right? Well, I'm very excited, Julian. I think it's going to be great. And, you know, all right, well, you know, we're going to have to get you brainstorming on things that you would like to see if you went to Vegas and you'd see a guy like this coming out to perform.

So that's what we got. Vegas. Well, yeah, I think that we might be able to get them a what do they call? Then people get their could spend like a year contract and residency in Vegas. Don't want one. That's what we have to figure out, bubs. But we've got two weeks until we talk to this guy and we got to figure it out. He probably sleeps in a king-size bed

Need a bigger bed. Okay. See these are the things you got to keep brainstorm I want you to write them down Okay, write down as much shit as you can what you would want to see in a Vegas show with this guy Okay, all right. All right, okay, and they get those Jesus away from me Too delicious. They're delicious man. I like how they just dissolve in your mouth All right, so we got to do a podcast for our pad right now. Let's get this going They're too delicious. They are delicious, man. I like how they just dissolve in your mouth. Alright, so we gotta do a podcast for our pad right now. Let's get this going.

Who wants the intro? Randy, you can do it today, buddy. This drum roll. I'm still drunk, Bubbles. You smell like it. Welcome, welcome to the Paracraft of Dark, Julian. That's what it is. It's number...

It doesn't matter, we don't care. We don't know, Randy. We don't keep track of that shit. Welcome. It's lucky enough that we fucking come in here and do this on time. What would you guess if you had to guess a number? It's been how many years? Eight? Number six hundred and something maybe? Maybe. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know, wouldn't it be? Number 600 and something maybe. Maybe are you fucking kidding me? I don't know, wouldn't it be?

600 and something. Well, we haven't missed one every week. That's a, okay, let's think of it now and how many- No, maybe four, 400 and something. How many fluid ounces are we talking here? Because we get a, we just got a bottle of booze for every pad that we do. So that's about 400 times for 40, 400 times 40. Sixteen thousand ounces of 16000 ounces of booze.

We've been paid to do this. Wow. We've been paid booze. I don't get any of that. Well, what is that right there? I mix that up for I get these cans, you know That's not You're not splitting 40 ounces. That's for sure No, not really, but you guys are still getting some of these. I mean I might be getting Bob's can't start weighing no things here, man Of course, I get a little bit more because I do a little bit more than you guys

I've raised this stuff. I tell these fucking guys to come in and shoot it. I got editing. I got to watch all the fucking footage before it gets sent out to everybody. You don't watch it. God damn let it. I got to give notes. I got to write a script for everything. Script? Well, I'm writing as I go. It's a write and go. I don't have a script. I do, so that's why I'm getting paid more. See, this is the script. Oh man, check out this woman here.

Do you guys know that they have this kind of snack in China? And it is, fuck boys. Seaweed. No. It is called, it's like a black vermicelli kind of thing. Yeah, I like vermicelli. It looks like hair, boys. But it's not.

No, it's not. Just a second. I'm trying to figure out what it's called. Okay, fat chow is a type of dried cyanobacterium that's been part of the Chinese cuisine for a long time, man. But look at this. What is it? It looks like she's eating a wig.

Oh, like how can you know what it's like when you get a hair in your mouth? When you get a hair in your mouth. Yeah, but this is probably cooked to a perfect. Just a fucking second. What is it? El Dante? It's probably delicious. Dante.

Dante means like kind of hard. Okay. See? So I don't know. You knew a guy named Aldante, didn't you? Yeah I did. Was he kind of hard? He was a hardcore motherfucker, man. Aldante. Aldante.

Are they going to start serving this in the restaurants, Julian? Not here, man. Think fuck, cause it looks... I might move to Italy and change my name to Al Dante. Ha ha ha. Pops. I could see you over in Italy, man. It's beautiful there, here. I've been to Italy.

I love Italy. Fantastic. Well, in that place, that's where that's where the pope lives, right? He dies. Vatican, yeah, man. Rome. So what? What? Like, what's your point there, Randy? Well, you got to go try to say hi to the pope.

You think that, OK, you think you could fly over to fucking Italy, cruise up to the Vatican, knock on the door. Say, hey Pope, what's up? Well, you know, maybe go to confession or something, you know? Do you find the Pope, uh... The Pope doesn't do confessions. He's too big. He's way too big, man.

I bet you he does. He's got his fucking people who give no confessions. The Pope doesn't sit there and take confessions, Randy. He's a rock star. But he's of the people. Pope for the people? What the fuck does that?

He's not wasting his time listening to people that fuck who Sally Sue. He got voted in by the people. And then cheated on his wife. The people don't elect the pope. He's the pope, man. Who does? Who votes for him?

Probably Jesus appoints him, wouldn't he? Now, Buds, I don't know about that shit. Who appoints the Pope? The people, I think, man. They don't elect the fucking Pope? The archbishops and shit, man. Those motherfuckers do it. They decide. The Pope is not a democracy.

He's supposedly chosen by, you know? I don't fucking know, I don't know nothing about it. There's a new movie out there. I don't know nothing about popes. We should go see it. What's it called, the Covenant or something?

That's about the popes. Tom Hanks did a bunch of movies on the pope. Tom Hanks isn't in a bunch of movies about the pope. He was a superstar or something. Alright, this is coming to mind. What was the Pope on a rope? The Alamante? Who was on a rope? The Illuminati! Illuminati, that's what it was. Do you know anything about the Illuminati? It's crazy shit.

Have you ever talked to somebody in it? In the Illuminati? It's crazy shit. Have you ever talked to somebody in it? In the Illuminati? You've probably talked to them and don't even know it. Really? You guys ever play chess? Because they got the bishop in chess. I'm trying to have patience with you right now, Randy. But what does that have to do with anything?

So it's the truth. The Queen and the Knight and the Bishop. Oh, power. Oh, religion, man, especially way back, well, still does as now, not as much as before. Way back. They got a lot of fucking power, man. Who, the Pope? All of them, man. They got lots of power, lots of money.

They can fuck shit up if they want to. No, they controlled everybody with fear. Exactly. Right? And they can always stay wherever they want. Game of Thrones, you guys see that? I just finished binging the whole fucking thing last time I was in jail.

If you want to scare somebody to death, what's worse than telling them if you don't do what we say, You're going to hell. You're going to burn on fire for eternity. That's pretty scary. That'd be a horrible existence, wouldn't it? For eternity. That's a long time.

Forever. You're just going to be in the most pain you can possibly experience. That's a horrible fucking thing to sentence somebody to. Horrible. I mean, even if you're, you know, I mean Hitler, he should have that. Cock sucker. But did Hitler even happen, man? Is this all a simulation like you said?

Well, he had a simulation if nothing else and he was a cock sucker. You know one of my favorite fucking things to do is to get wasted with you and you start talking about simulations and shit, man, because it really freaks me the fuck out. I think we're in one boys. A simulation? Ones and zeros baby. Matrix. Feel that pain? That's just written in code and it tells me my code. Feel that pain. do do do do do. Feel that. I didn't like the Matrix. The Matrix. That was scary.

What? When you woke up with the two. Everybody likes the Matrix. No, that's... I wouldn't want to be taking over my machines. I think we're in it. I think we're in that. Okay, bubs.

How aren't we? Tell me how we're not. Four trillion fucking galaxies with a hundred billion stars in each one. Yeah. But we're the only ones. Even though you see all these particles on here on Earth, they're out there, man. They're on everything. They're out there.

Yeah. The fucking gross cells and shit. Just because we know our physics doesn't mean aliens haven't figured out they know what's going on. whole different sets of like how to teleport and stuff. Yeah, I definitely believe in that shit, bud. Black holes.

Black holes, that's just places where there's been no code written. You just go through it. There's just no code there. Because it's got to take you to another hole, like it sucks through. Oh, so that's what you're saying. The black hole doesn't have a code.

That's a teleprompter. There's just no code there. There's no development going on in there. It's just sucked into nothing. Right, it's a non-playable area. Wow. Out of bounds. NPA.

Out of bounds, NPA. It's like in pinball, when your ball goes through and it goes through the hole, you can't get it. That's what happens in black hole. It's really hard to fucking. Fascinating the way his fucking brain works. It is fascinating. Four trillion galaxies, boys.

Think about that. Try to wrap your fucking... ...minuscule little brain around that. Well, you know what I'm gonna do, Bubs? I'm gonna get out to... ...Ricky left me some edibles. I think it's time to take another one. Let's get into it.

How many million and a trillion? How many million? Yeah. Ah, fuck. Well, that's a good question. How many million? Fuck. Oh, fuck. Well, that's a good question. How many million? Fuck are my audibles? Or is a trillion based on a number of billions?

A trillion, let's think about this. A trillion would be a thousand billions. Okay. Wouldn't it? That's what I mean. A thousand billion makes a trillion, and a thousand millions makes a billion. So a thousand times a thousand, it's a hundred thousand millions. And what is that?

I think it's a trillion. But the one up from a trillion is it's something. Quadrillion. Quadrillion and then there's a. Oh, it just keeps going. There's one that begins with D, isn't there? Oh, if you put it to the power of something, that's when it gets really big. A billion to the power of a billion.

Fuck, Randy. Why do you always have to do this? A billion to the power of a billion is a lot. Imagine having to write it on a piece of paper. It would take you a long time. You couldn't write your fucking name, Randy. I can. Whatever.

Okay, so check this out. The startup company is charging parents to be 50 grand to screen embryos for higher IQ. So now you'll be able to go shopping. If you don't want someone like Ricky, you'd be like, okay, get that one out. I want a small one. You can buy a genius. You can buy a genius. So there's gonna be a lot of geniuses

being born for 50 grand. I think we're all gonna be programmable soon. All right, so tell me something. If you guys were one of kids, and you know what stupidity's all about, we've seen it every day of our fucking lives, right? We've witnessed it. Would you guys pay 50 grand to make sure your kid

is gonna be a genius? I couldn't afford that. Depends on how much money you had in the bank. Good question. If you're Jeff Bezos, you're gonna be doling out the money for super geniuses. They probably have a payment plan, I bet you. If you're Randy, you're gonna just take this sort of,

you know, backwards. He's going backwards. He's going on the payment plan. They'd have to have a payment plan. A layaway. Yeah, but what happens if you can't make the payments? What are they like, we're gonna come take your kid, sorry. No, no, you'd have to pay for him before you got him.

All right, yeah. But if you put him on layaway for a couple years, maybe he's not as smart when you finally pay him off. Right? That's the problem. That's the problem. It's okay. There's a lot of problems with this. Sounds to me like you're probably even going to be able to do other stuff.

Like maybe they could be a good cook, good at sports. Like he could have like... Genetically predisposed? If you, yeah, maybe you want your kid to be a certain way that's it that's a that's crazy i know what would you if you could program the perfect child what would he be able to do randy well you want him to be respectable and and hard working but i think it's probably the best job would be to be artistic, you know, so maybe like musical or I Think that would be really cool. That's not bad Randy. I thought you were gonna say, you know something fucked

Well, how about this if you're paying 50 grand for your kid to be a genius They better fucking come up with some some kind of idea to get rid of some problems in the world That'll make some money money you know what I mean but if you fucking find out how to make cure cancer that's a you're rich if you're too smart people don't always like it because then you're too smart you know what money you can buy friends with money you can buy love with money you can buy anything you don't want your kid to be able to cure cancer he'll get murdered well that's true too but then Not no nobody's murdering my fucking kid if they're if they're curing cancer. Let me tell you no

I'm just saying I'd be there. I'd be there beside them in the entire time. I'd be having my nine millimeter Maybe another one they already know how to cure it. They don't want to Yeah, you're right. I don't want to Sound like a conspiracy theorist though, cuz I think they're fuck. Yeah, I think they're I don't want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, though, because I think they're fuck. Yeah, I think they're kind of fuck, too, man. World's fuck, boys. But I do believe we're in a simulation.

Did I mention that? I know. I'm scared about this. I am, because... Oh, wait till you... Next time you do mushrooms, start thinking about it, Randy. We did, the other night. We did it, and it is... It's my new do mushrooms start thinking about it, Randy. We did the other night. We did it and it is. It's my new favorite thing.

Yeah. Yeah, man. Well, think about the Big Bang. You know, the Big Bang theory, what it what it says basically happened. Two planets collide is no. No, that's not even close, actually, to what the Big Bang theory is. But TV show. Fuck, Randy. You're just not all there, bud. The Big Bang Theory, remember Ricky always said that the Big Bang Theory is basically

about him banging Phil Collins? That's not nice. He just did nothing. That was when he was drunk. I never banged Phil Collins. But you know what? You can even ask everybody out there watching it How many people out there like to do mushrooms and get really fucked up and talk about the universe?

We can't be the only ones pubs. No, no the matrix and aliens and shit, right? Big bang theory said everything came from everything the whole universe is packed into like Tiny little like a fucking Adam-sized. And then it just instantaneously expanded and became what it is, the universe. That's, but what does that sound like? That sounds like the old computer getting turned on to start the simulation, doesn't it? You said that before, man, power up.

That sounds like power up mode. Time to create the life on earth Pew they turned it on and everything just all of a sudden existed Well, you start to make a lot of sense, but what movie was it where food came in like a little tiny thing? And they put it in then it expands for Billy Expanded out for Billy you because But you're saying that everything was really small and then it got really big. Because how can anything stand- Bigger than a fucking meal in a microwave, Randy.

I'm talking about the whole universe. But you're saying it started really small and then it got really, really- Imagine a popcorn kernel. If a popcorn kernel popped, but it was 92 billion light years wide. So then it went from small to big. Yes.

Boy, he knows how to fucking distill it down to its basic. It goes from small to big. He gets it right down to the basics, don't you, Randy? Not wishing they could do it with food, though. Like if you could make a just- Sport, what are we thinking of? Were they, well- What's the, I don't remember, who's Sport Billy?

Who the fuck is that? Sport Billy! I've never heard of Sport Billy, man. The cartoon! Back to the Future Three. Never. Back to the Future Three, they took the, they put the pizza in to this machine

and it went bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, and they got it out of a pizza stand. Star Trek used to do that, too. Oh yeah, and they basically do it, it's called a microwave. No, but they put it in like a pail, so I just take it out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll be able to do that too. Well yeah, and they basically do it, it's called a microwave. No, but they put it in like a pill, so I stay in a bowl. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

They'll be able to do that. You don't remember Sport Billy? No man, I gotta look him up. He had a backpack and he would pull out like a fucking, if they needed to get over a wall, he'd pull out a trampoline this big, throw it on the ground, and then it's a full-size trampoline.

Nope. Sport Billy! That's because I'm a bit older than you, man. Because I've never heard of Sport Billy. Randy, do you remember Sport Billy? Hong Kong Fooey. I remember Hong Kong Fooey. I'm a super-duper-duper guy.

Something like that. Chica-paw-paw-paw. I'm really trying my hardest here, Randy. Not to punch you in the face, but it's... Cartoons were better back then. Because I'm going to need you. When we were younger. I will agree with you on hardest here, Randy, not to punch you in the face, but it's, uh... Cartoons were better back then. Because I'm gonna need you. And we were younger. I will agree with you on that statement, Randy.

Cartoons were a lot better back then. This little fucker. Just super power, super friendly. Sport Billy, he had a back... He had a backpack. No matter what they needed, Sport Billy had it in his backpack. He'd throw it on the ground and it would turn big. Gloss me. I've never seen this little motherfucker. The Wonder Twins, they were cool. Sport Billy had it in his backpack. He'd throw it on the ground and it would turn big.

Blasphemy. I've never seen this little motherfucker. The Wonder Twins, they were cool. They had the rings. I remember those dicks. Wonder Twin power, activate. Turn into... All right, let's see Sport Billy.

I would have turned into a cheeseburger. He would say, um... No, let's go go gadget. This is a horrible character. You've watched this shit? I used to love Sport Billy. He was something else. She's kind of... see something.

Skeletor scared me. He was kind of evil. Alright, I gotta see what Billy... You didn't like Skeletor, did you? Skeletor? Whoa. The Hayman was like Julian. Alright, there gotta see sport Billy. Yeah, you didn't like Scalatoria, did you? Scalatoria, whoa. The He-Man was like Julian. Alright, there's sport Billy.

He took out a, okay, that's, you're right. He took out a little dinky and it turned into a car. Same thing with the binoculars. He got his fucking Omni-Pack. He just pulls her out, throws her down. Sport Billy with his little bag of crisps. The Omni-Sack, that's what it was called. I think you should dress like He-Man, Julian.

I think you'd look really good as He-Man. Shut up, Randy. He'd need blonde hair with bangs. He could get a wig. And do it. He wouldn't look good with blonde bangs? Next year, Halloween, Julian, be He-Man. I'm not gonna be fucking He-Man.

You should be muscular Fonzie. I'm not gonna be muscular Fonzie, even though Fonzie was the coolest motherfucker on the planet. Oh, you could do that. Fonzie was cool. That's too easy. You could just need the leather jacket. Put that on and go,

Randy, stop talking, please, just a minute. A jealous woman stabs her boyfriend after he greets another woman on the street. Wow. So, okay. That's terrible. The guy died. So, okay, he just went,

hey, how you doing? Jealousy, man. And she stabbed him. Yep, but he's dead. Argentina. Murphy. Yeah, that's not good. He said, hey, how you doing?

The woman's greeting was simple and it just drove her crazy, man. She pulled out a knife and fucking killed him. Jesus, Murphy. Yeah, well, there's lots of people stabbing out there. We were just in Winnipeg. We heard there's a lot of stabbing there. It's funny, the conversations you get into when-

What was your stabbing when we were there? We remember when you and I went out to get a Smashburger. We were sitting there and these two people went out to get a smash burger. We were sitting there and these two people started talking to us. Lovely couple. They said, do not walk around the streets at night. Like, not even a block. Because you will get stabbed. I don't remember that. That wasn't me.

That was you, man. No, no, no, no, no, no. That was Ricky. That was Ricky. Or was it fucking, it was Ricky. It wasn't me because I would have got terrified. So anyway, Ricky started laughing. He's like, yes, if someone's going to come up and stab us and like he thought it was a big fucking joke. But I got worried because you know what Ricky's like when he gets wasted at the end of the night?

He likes to wander. He just fucking walks around, doesn't know what he's doing. So nobody got stabbed. That's why it's good to be a good runner. You know, sometimes people don't think that you should just run away. Because... I do! Run as fast as you can. Somebody's trying to stab you? Fucking Ben Johnson it right out of there.

And if you're just like, ah, ah, ah! What? Johnson it right out of there. And if you're just like, ah, ah, ah, it raises attention. And people might see the stabber, they won't do it. It's like, that's like an animal technique. You create the noise or you make yourself bigger, you arch your back or push your belly out. If somebody's trying to stab you, don't arch your back and come at them. Well, you run and then you try to get bigger to keep them away. So you run away trying to make yourself inflated? That's the way I do it.

That's what you gotta do if a bear or an animal comes in. You're getting that confused with a bear, Randy. You gotta make yourself big. Not a stabber. Don't climb a tree if a bear comes because they can climb. You know what all you gotta do? All you gotta do is this. Maybe bend over and spread your air seeks or something because you have a god-awful smell come off you, man.

I mean, if you were to do that. Like a skunk. He's like a skunk. Randy, skunk. You do stink. You know that, right? Can you smell that, Randy? Can you smell it?

Or have you gone nosebleed? I don't think I smell that bad. Randy. You're used to it now. You could peel the fucking paint off a gymnasium wall. If we're gonna be working on something, you gotta shower when you get up in the morning, please. I can't even imagine what's going on in your pants. It'd be soupy. That's what it'd be like a fucking cheese fondue down there. Like a, what's that stinky cheese?

Blue cheese. Blue cheese fondue. It's not blue cheese. That's what is going down there. It'd be like when you open one of those things a cam, you know? Oh, fuck. There's that gelatin stuff in there.

That'd be heated up to about 250 degrees. Oh, I changed my underwear. There's that gelatin stuff in there. He heated up to about 250 degrees. Oh, I changed my underwear. Yeah, well, you got to think of some other you've got to like. Once they're once they're gravy soaked. Gravy. It'd be like a gravy. Yeah, like a poutine.

Well, after doing a bunch of lawns, it's not pretty. I can tell you. Just pushing the lawn m-morrow... gets a little... it does get a little funky. Okay, that's enough of that. It's time to shut this down. People are gonna be smelling that right through the camera. Say goodbye, Randy.

Goodbye, everyone. Thanks for tuning in. Thank you. To see the video version of Park After Dark in Ricky's trailer, go to Swear-Net.com or download the Trailer Park Boys Swear-Net app.