Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - A Very [Ivy] Wolk Christmas ft Ali Macofsky

Episode Date: December 23, 2025

Trash Tuesday LIVE! January 28th at the Comedy Store. Tickets on sale now! https://www.showclix.com/event/trash-tuesday-2026-january  BTS, BONUS CONTENT AND MORE! Only on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast     It’s Christmas here at Trash Tuesday! Ivy Wolk and Ali Macofsky are here to SLEIGH. We learn who Ivy's [currently] beefing with on the internet, Esther gets into a Waymo accident, and we have some Holiday Hot Takes that might land us on the naughty list. From our Trash Tuesday family to yours, Happy Holidays, Sluggies! Thank you to out sponsors:Thank you Monarch! Code: TRASHTUESDAY at monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year *Listen to Esther's New Solo Pod!* https://www.esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com *Visit Ebb Ocean Club & Holiday Shop* https://www.ebboceanclub.com/ for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products! FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday  MORE ESTHER:TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/  MORE KHALYLA:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/ Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A   PRODUCTION:Studio Ten42: https://www.instagram.com/studioten42/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Arielle Jade (Editor): https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ Elisa Hernandez Kohler: https://www.instagram.com/ellie.lianna/ Megan Clements:  https://www.instagram.com/egggymeg/ 

I think there's something beautiful about being a caroler and there's something horrific about watching a caroler. Being caroled too must be frightening. I've never been caroled too, but I've caroled to is so special. I promise you. I have like main character syndrome, so I'm like, I don't want to see anyone else perform. If carolers came to my door, I'd just start chiming in. You know, I'd be like, were you guys off due neck? Can I do it? Colila, there's huge news in our neck of the woods. What is it? We're doing a live show January 28th in Los Angeles at the comedy store.

I still can't believe I agreed to this. But here we are guys. It's on. And tickets are moving. It's the only night I'll be out, I think. I don't go out at night anymore. I'm doing this specifically for you guys because we haven't done this in a long time. And we've booked really good special guests.

Amazing guests. We have a lot planned. Our team is going to be there. If you have never been to the comedy store, it's definitely like a very, very special place worth seeing and this is a great excuse to go. It's just going to be a really fun special night. It's going to be like that intimate vibe where you're going to be like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm seeing that person, that person, that person, because we're really bringing in our regulars from the pod. It's just going to be special. January 28th at the comedy store main room.

Get your tickets at the link below. We'll see you there. Clyla, we have a Patreon. I'm digging deep. I know. I'm spilling some stuff. Someone is going to cut that out and post it and then we're going to have to sue them. Don't do that, but yes, join us on Patreon. We really are able to get a little deeper there and just share more. You can join us at the link below patreon.com slash Trash Tuesday Podcast. We'll see you there and thank you so much for supporting our show. Okay, I don't believe this fact, but have you heard that if you saw yourself on the street?

You wouldn't. You wouldn't understand that it's you. Well, have you heard about the true mirror? it shows you you but not reverse yeah it's like how other people see you there's no way that any of this is real i know right once like if i start thinking about it too long i'm like we're in a simulation i'm not a real person or i'm just like is everything what is everything yeah what is everything is what is everything that's not what you want to be asking around christmas day and it's like we could both look at like my cup and see like a totally different thing

Like, not like a totally different thing, but like our eyes, like the way that they pick stuff up. Wait, Kalila, have you heard of this that come in? Come in. Come in. That, um, I love your clips. Thanks. Oh, mine feels so cheap and ugly. I feel like I'm kind of testing out this like new personality where I just wear a shit ton of clips in my hair.

Wait, me too. So I just bought like 16 new clips. Wait, I literally have even more. Do you want some clips? From Cuckoo-Souzette. I got all of these like animals. I didn't know we were allowed to wear those. kinds of clips out. Yeah. I'm doing it. Have you heard this horrible fact that I hate so much that if

you saw yourself on the street, you wouldn't recognize yourself because like you're so, the way we look at ourselves is so different. Like we have just dysmorphia? Yeah. Oh no. This is so not true. Can I tell you why? You saw yourself. Bebunk this for you. I am one of those people that sees myself in everyone. And I don't know what that means, but I, All I do, if you, my friend group, that's so like Christ-coded. It's not even in like a religious way. It's more like a, I think I'm so weirdly ugly that when I send pictures to my friend group, every time I'm like, hey, this dude looks like me.

Look at me. Look at me just rolling around in a wife beater. And I send pictures of different people from everywhere. But you're proving that this is maybe right because you're dysmorphic about how you see yourself. No, but then they're like, we see it. They're like, yeah, a little cross-eyed, the mild cross-eyed. Like, yeah, we see it.

Is the mild cross-eyed that you speak of? Is that in the room with us? It is. Is it post spells palsy or is that pre? It's pre, unfortunately. Okay. It's always been there. There's a word for it in my dialects called Manokon, and it's all the hot,

it's what hot girls have. They're slightly cross-eyed. I get that. I saw this TikTok where it's like to see if you have like a lazy eye or something. You like cover one of your eyes. and you like close your eye and cover it and then after like a few seconds when you open if it's like coming back didn't mind do it no no you you have to spin this eye around so cover this eye okay and then cover this yeah and then starts um looking all over the room with that eye okay oh my god

oh my god wait more and then now look at me oh now release the hand oh oh a slight one oh wait I want to go home. The spinning would make me sick. You want to go home? Very slight, though. Mom, come get me. Mom, pick me up. Come get me.

I'm cross-eyed. I used to always call my mom to pick me up. You guys, my Waymo got hit last night. I saw. It was so thrilling. Where were you? What happened? I was the craziest thing out of a pregnant woman's mouth.

Hey, this car accident I got to? So thrilling. I was going home from the comedy store or the improv. and like I've noticed that I like like I love taking Waymo's first of all like let me just come out right now as a Waymo addict is so soothing it is so relaxed it is unlike anything else what do you choose it depends I don't really care can you choose the front yeah I've never been on a waymo I've never tried that that would be my only Waymo complaint believe it or not is not the car accident it's just that sometimes it smells like perfume you I hate that and that'll

really throw you off. That'll make you sick. But I love it. But the first time I took one, I was like, ah, this is so excited. Dave was like, it's just another car right. I don't understand what's what's going on with you. No, Dave is not right here. Thank you. This is a really weird experience to be driven by a nobody. It's amazing. Yeah, it's crazy to be like nonchalach about a self-driving car. He's like, come on. Wait, I love you guys. Thank you for validating this. So I'm like totally hooked on it. And the, the weird thing about Amo is the price fluctuations are insane. Like it can be from for me to get to the comedy store, it can be anywhere from $20 to like $90. That's what? Yeah. So it is so inconsistent. It is the

Wild Wild West. I feel like the fact that no one is driving, no one's getting paid except for the company. Like when I have an expensive Uber or Lyft, I'm like, you know, hopefully they're getting like the majority of how expensive this is. Right. Because usually they're not. Yeah, we've been stuck here for an hour and a half. Yeah. But then with like a self-driving car, it's like, why? He's all availability and demand. They know, you know, they, they know what they're doing.

The fleet needs to grow for us to get the prices down. Anyway, we were like driving. The only thing that was so annoying is that it was taking side streets that I never take, don't understand why. But we were on like a really slim West Hollywood side street. And this big truck just like came past us. the Waymo froze, and it just scraped, scraped, scrape, scrape, scrape, and I really did, I froze too, like, fight, flight, freeze. I'm like, because what, you're so powerless.

Well, and, like, having a Lyft or an Uber, you're like, oh, no, like you have someone to process with and be like, that's crazy, but you're just alone. Like, am I being watched? Yeah. Am I performing right now for the Waymo cameras? And there's, like, people out on the street watching, and I'm like, I'm so helpless in the back. It was a little stressful, but, I mean, thankfully, it was so minor. Like, I made a video about it online to try to, like, you know, make it, just make a meal. You have to. You had no one to process it with.

Yeah. You had to turn your camera on. But it ended up being fine. It was annoying to, like, wait for another Waymo to come. Yeah, so what's like the process after it gets hit? So obviously the car registers that it's like immediately. They're like, we know what's going on. Like a voice comes over.

They're like, we are on it. Like a real person or a robot? No, like a robot. Yeah. And then I just hit support call and got in touch with them. And they were like, they were a little bit like, oh, I'm like, does this happen? They're like, no. I'm like, oh my God, I'm special. Yes, I'm special. So then do they give me like a free ride or like any credits? I'm waiting to hear. He's, because you know me. I was like, so this is pretty inconvenient. Yeah, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. But I did also feel so bad because the Waymo I feel did nothing wrong. So I do feel bad. But I was like, this is a. convenient like I'm being I'm getting home late and my husband needs to go play poker and I'm pregnant you got to milk it you got a milk the pregnant card so yeah that was my thrilling night I had a thrilling night too you did yeah I um went out to the Americana Ivy come on in come on in come on come in right here welcome Kalila was just telling us that she actually went out last night

which I don't understand what's going on I know because I usually yeah I don't usually you're out And by going out, I mean, like, I was out between the hours of, like, 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. Last night. Last night, it was 3 p.m. to 7. What did you get up to? I went to the Americana because I was like, let's do some Christmas shopping with my baby. Did you get Santa pictures?

No. You know, I'm too paranoid to be around infestation and germs. I don't know what Santa is hiding. Anyways, I was like, you know what? I've been shitting on Dintai Fung a lot. Why? Because, okay. Because she's wrong.

Because I'm a fucking dumb. bitch snob and when dintai fung there was a small dintai fung in arcadia 20 years ago and it was a one place it was like our little secret like if you knew you knew this dumpling place and my friends and i would go there all the time but then it became this huge mainstream thing and everyone goes there and it's beautiful and you just kind of like oh this isn't the band that i used to love anymore kind of feeling thank you for admitting that yeah and so i was like there's no way that it's still good um but sadly like it is and the service is great it's incredible i know it's i wouldn't say incredible but it's good which your big night was that was my big night and then i did your baby eat dintai fun i think that because of

the sodium i had this really crazy dream where our audio engineer gilbert was trying to eat my hands like all my my whole dream from like oh i thought you meant in real life i was like no i know the dintai funk i sort of got it was like dintai fun induced psychosis where the whole night i just dreamt that gilbert like My audio engineer was trying to... Were your hands dumplings in the dream? They weren't. They were my hands. I know what...

That would have been cute. But yeah, that was my big exciting night. I didn't get into a Waymo accident, but... You got into a Waymo accident. I had a Waymo incident last night. You did? What? It was not an accident, but the Waymo dropped me off

in the middle of an in-road, an Elysian State Park on the east side. I was trying to go to the Elysian Theater to do stand-up. And it dropped me off on a road with no sidewalks, like an in-road where the state park is. is no service, nothing, 45 minute walk away, no sidewalks from where I was supposed to be going. Wait, couldn't you like do something?

It didn't let me. No. I was literally stranded. And so I had to call my friends who were at the show and have them haul ass, like leave their parking spot and come get me and then they had to park in the red and I'm not sure if they ended up getting a ticket while they were sitting watching me do stand up so kindly.

No, I always park illegally in front of the Elysian and they never ticked. They never, okay. That provides me some solace. But yeah, the Waymo dropped me off a 45-minute walk away on an in road in Elysian State Park. Are you talking to it? Are you like, hello? I mean, I don't even know what to say.

Does it speak English? Like, would it understand me? Would I have to sign to it? I don't know. Like, I was really scared, though. I was very, very scared and confused. That's actually way scary. I was just sitting on a curb in like a patch of grass.

Like a cop car drove by me, slowed down, and then just kept going. Did you put in the wrong? address? Like, did you just put in the Elysian? It drove right by the Elysian thing. I put in the exact address for the Elysian theater. It drove right by the Elysian. And then on the little iPad in the back seat, it said recalibrating drop-off destination. I was like, okay. And then it drove me probably a 10-minute drive out of the way, but truly to a place where there was no way I could have walked to the Elysian by myself. I was very frightened. This episode is brought to you by Uber. yeah literally even though they might hurt you at least you'll well now you can do you can request

girl drivers oh right you can lady drivers yeah i don't know if that even is any better no i don't want to crash i'm okay good and the lowest rating that i ever she's an Asian woman right she said just are you a good driver i know i drive like a grandma oh i hate that i hate that but like a grandma i know pisses everyone off because i'm very cautious yeah very cautious that's good that's a really good thing she's a good driver she's trying to show off no I'm not but I don't have that I'm a good driver and I'm a crazy driver I feel like the crazier drivers are actually more skilled I think so I'm not great at parallel parking oh I love parallel parking I'm back in a parking space I don't want to be in a car with somebody who drives crazy I'm precious cargo I really like I don't remember my life though keep getting

dropped off far from your destination the thing about the waymo though is it drives so slowly that I I feel kind of comfortable there because it's going so unbelievably slowly Are you addicted to it like I am? To the Waymo? Yeah. I think I like prefer taking lifts, but also Waymo doesn't like reach everywhere. I tried taking the Waymo here and it said this was outside of its like jurisdiction. Yeah, it's limited.

It's limited. It'll go east and west, but it won't take you north and south. I had a Waymo experience once where the car, I walked up to the car and on the map, the car was further into the parking lot that it was picking me up from then where the car actually was. And because those two were different, it didn't. let me get in the car and so I'm like standing outside of the car trying to unlock it and it's telling me to go further into the parking lot but the second I walk further into the parking lot away from the actual vehicle it's like you're too far away from your destination and it just backed out

and kept driving it drove just down the road and I again was stranded this is also at the elision this is also at the elision actually it really like something about that entire place really fucks with the waymo do you have an ex-boyfriend who works for waymo no I do not as far as I know No. I don't, well, none of them are really employed, right? So I don't think, or potentially employable. So I don't think, I don't think so. I think I'm good on that. Wait, so Ivy, you've been in L.A. for like a little minute here. Yeah. Having like a holiday experience. I'm here for a job and I've just been bouncing around like doing stand up and podcast and stuff and it's been cute. And beefing with people online. And beefing with people on the internet. Yeah. I'm beefing with. I'm beefing with like there was. like a like a 33 year old woman who was claiming that her boyfriend who was who went to my college at the same time as me but now she's saying that he's in his late 20s and I'm like okay I think you're thinking of a totally different bitch because I'm 21 she's like my boyfriend's 28 he went to college

with Ivy Wolk when she was when they were both 18 it's like well that's not how this works but she was like leveraging a friendless allegation against me she was saying that I didn't have any friends in college and that that's why I dropped out of college and actually the reason I dropped out college was because I was being a girl boss and I was too busy. And I decided that doing ketamine in New York was a lot funner than doing coke that was cut with baby powder in Boston. What a weird allegation to say that you had no friends. Like what a weird thing to be like she had no friends. That's why she dropped out. But finding out that this woman was 33 years old truly like it felt like doing whippets. Like I was so fucking excited and stoked to find out that

this lady was lying on my name from a millennial cracked phone. Like that was that was. That was really, it was revelatory. I was really happy about that. Because then she just has no legs to stand on because it's like, okay, yeah, I'm like an adult now, but you're talking about me in regards to something that you heard happened when I was 18 years old. When I was 18 years old, that was three years ago. So she would have been 30 years old.

And it's like, even then, why would you care? What a creep. Like, what a fucking creep. Also, accused of having no friends, like, okay, I'm good. Like, I'll take that any day. I was offended because it was like, I do have, like, really close friends from college. Like, my girl best friend from college used to wax my pussy in the fucking dorm.

Like, on the dorm floor, she used to, like, sugar wax my fucking vagina for me. Oh, my God, that's really, she sugared you. Yes. I had to. I never, I'm, like, full bush all the way. But for, I was shooting a Nora at the time, and we were about to fly to Vegas for, like, the last unit of the film. And there was, like, a scene where we're, like, all in the pool at the, like, casino that we were

staying at and I was wearing like a one piece with like a high cut and I was like I'm gonna need my pussy wax is my first time ever getting my vagina waxed my dorm room was so fucking dirty I was living out of a suitcase because I was traveling for work all the time and so all of my stuff was in cardboard boxes and suitcases around my dorm we put down a towel in like the one sliver a floor that wasn't totally covered we had to put the towel down because I mean the entire carpet was just like full of crumbs like it was like a fucking a minefield of crumbs. And so she puts the towel down and she like plugs the wax thing in and she like heat it up and she wax my fucking pussy. And then there's a bitch on TikTok being like Ivy Wilk had no

friends. And it's like actually like that girl waxed my fucking nasty vagina. Like I do have friends. You're standing up for your friends. No, literally my friend group in college. It was a hot girl who waxed my vagina. And then it was like seven guys who were addicted to weed. And like the most bottom of the barrel guys literally on the fucking planet and they would say this themselves like truly the most degenerate disgusting bong addicted people on the planet my friend leo who we all called dirty leo his nickname around the school was dirty leo because he was so dirty leo once um like took too many bong rips and passed out outside of our dorm building on the sidewalk like on a main road in boston like outside of the the big boston common park where did you go to school i went to emerson for a

year. He passed out outside of the dorm building clutching his Bart Simpson bong that had Bart Simpson's like visage painted on the side of it passed out was facetiming everybody in the friend group like can somebody help me up? I passed out and like my own vomit on this on the sidewalk outside of the dorm building and we all declined the face time and he just slept out there the entire night and those were my friends you know we didn't always come through for each other but you need those dirt bag friends though I feel like they're the ones who are really going to you know rally for you i absolutely god it just like fly i have a memory that flashed just now and i'm so embarrassed because i don't want you to know me as this person

i don't want you to know me as vomit girl but i have made like i have puked on my bed onto my pillow and then just flipped it and then continued to sleep puked on that side and then instead of like throwing it to the side got another pillow and put it on top and slept through the night he was like a vomit pillow sandwich. That's amazing. This is why it's like scary to become friends with someone when you're in your 30s.

It's like you don't know what they did in there. You don't. There's so much back story. They've lived nine lives and it's unlikely that you like anything you hear. I know. It's crazy thinking about like my friends from college one day having jobs

and being married and having children because it's like another thing that Leo did that was so fucking funny was one day he shows up to our we're taking like a screenwriting like comedy writing class and he shows up to class drinking vodka out of like a metal thermos water bottle and he's wearing aviator sunglasses a leather jacket and a brian griffin belt buckle and he shows up drunk as

fuck he loves a cartoon he loves a fucking cartoon he doesn't play about a fucking cartoon one thing about dirty leo he don't play about a cartoon he so he shows up to class he's drunk he's vodka drunk as fuck it's like 11 in the morning he's just chugging this water bottle that was full of the brim with vodka, like the second way that we got into class. He smells fucking crazy. He's greasy as fuck. And at one point during class, like, he gets bored. And so he, like, is dialing a number on his phone and he takes it.

Turns out, like, in the middle of class, he interrupted the lecture to call the suicide hotline to flirt with the operator. And he was asking her, like, what are you wearing? I love the sound of your voice. And she's like, sir, are you in a crisis? And he, like, put it on speaker. And we all were just, like, wrapped sitting, listening to this. the professor was so angry but it's like those were my friends you know it's like it might not

have been like good company but for me it was enough you know so for somebody to get on tictock and discount those fucking people whose stories that i needed to get me through my fucking day who's like bong hits and trailer park boys sessions on the fucking dorm tv my friends used to smoke like so much keef that they would pass out in the common room and just sleep there for like 13 hours every day. Skip all their classes, sleep just like on beanbags in the hallway of the dorm building. Like what we, another thing we used to do in college was my friend George had like really severe back knee and me and my friend Lola, George and Lola were dating at the time. We would go into like the gender neutral. We called it the Jenny Nuch. It was like the big bathrooms on each floor that were like

for like people in wheelchairs or like non-binary students or whatever. We would colonize the Jenny Newch, we would take furniture from the common rooms in the hallway, like the couches, we would fucking, all as a group, haul a couch in there. And Lola and I would sit there while George took a shower in the Jenny Nuge, and then we would apply his backney creams and ointz on to him. It was really wonderful. And we would get, we would, like, vape and, like, cover the smoke detectors with the shirt and smoke weed and put the back knee cream. Gosh, that... I think you guys are all going to make really good parents one day. I think so, too. I really hope so. I definitely think a lot of those kids will have fetal alcohol syndrome, but they

Do you say that, like, ex-party girls make the best moms? They say? Because if you just like fucking slut, she's like, not in me. I would make a great mother. It's like, you don't know him. Emphasis on X. Like, they no longer, like, party really hard because they know the feeling of that awful hangover,

that awful sleeplessness. So it's not, like, new to them when they finally get to the newborn trenches. And they're up for three days. For them, it's like, I've done this before. This feels familiar. being in like this haze, right? Does it bother you guys when people who don't have babies say, I'm tired? No.

No. Okay, good. Because when I didn't have a baby, I was tired. Hell yeah. Being alive is exhausting. Yeah, I don't have any judgments against like non- like I'm not one of, it's not like this is so hard you don't understand. It's like everyone's life is hard.

Like everything sucks. Yeah, motherhood is hard, not motherhood is hard. There's so many versions of life that's hard. That's harder than me before I had a baby. Every day was a struggle. How are you feeling about culturally being in L.A.? Are you having a culture shock being here from New York? Are you accepting a bit?

I'm having a beautiful time. I mean, I'm from here. And so every time I'm here, I always feel like I'm running into people from my childhood, especially because Thanksgiving just happened. Like, I ran into my summer camp best friend from elementary school at a bar the other night, and that was such a fucking trip. And, like, I run into people from high school.

and like yeah so it's been really fun i mean i did go to like this new the night before thanksgiving is this night that is like colloquially called blackout wednesday which is where like everybody's home in l.A and you just go out you go clubbing or you go bar hopping and you black the fuck out and you show up to your family thanksgiving in l.A or like OC just like hung over as fuck and um i went on blackout Wednesday to this new like soho house type thing called living room which is like owned by a some guy who has like capital or like stock in Uber or something and so it's like really ritzy but really lame but my friend was DJing and so a bunch of my friends were there and I ran into a guy that I rejected in the seventh grade and now he's super hot and he makes

ambient rap music and he's kind of blowing up and he had a Polish model on his arm meanwhile I was wearing bike shorts as an outfit because I didn't fucking pack anything Wait, this happened to me, this one guy that had a crush on me forever, like, all of middle school, high school. And, you know, I was like, there's like a little, I was always like, he's a little cute, you know, but it was never went anywhere. He has the hottest girlfriend now where I'm just like, I can't believe, like, I would be trashed to him. Yeah, that's the thing is I felt like in his presence, like seeing him again, even though he's like very sweet boy, but obviously our lives have gone in like totally separate directions. I was looking at him and like the girls that were kind of like acting as his entourage for the night and I was like damn like I would literally be scraping the bottom of the barrel he told me that like I was the first girl that he like ever talked to ever flirted with or anything and I'm like damn you've really come a long way meanwhile I have not I'm still dating guys that look just like you in the seventh grade Allie have you had this experience kind of but I feel like all the guys that I had like insane crushes on have all like like one of

I had a crush on them is when they peaked like they've all gotten significantly uglier or lame that's nice though it is nice because like I think like um when I got into stand-up I was like one day I'm gonna show them all like what they were missing and then I saw everyone from my high school and I was like okay yeah you don't this wasn't worth yeah yeah yeah yeah like I could quit stand-up yeah yeah it's a bummer when you like you like were so excited like like the I wouldn't get like normal crushes I would get like obsessed crazy psycho like really freaky I feel like that's the only way you can crush on anyone in high school I don't feel like your brain is like you know or as a grown adult or as a grown ass woman who votes and pays bills yeah I just don't know I didn't know how to have regular

feelings or crushes I was so I remember um this one do you was this Puerto Rican boy and I how I told him I had a crush on him was insane I said is it okay if I tattoo your name on my body I used to do shit like that I was 15 and I thought it was just like I don't know what came over me but I thought that he would be really into and he was like that's psychotic yeah and I'm like I was so embarrassed but then but then I mean I really like was obsessed with this boy but then recently not too long ago I got a Facebook message I don't even check Facebook on Messenger. And he was like, hey, I need help with dental bills.

Oh, no. Is he still hot? I don't know and I don't want to find out because I fear. Sending a message like that, I don't know. Yeah. But he had so much swag. But it's cute that you still ask. Yeah, maybe.

But he lives in New York, he'll never work out. When he smiles with no teeth, maybe he's gorgeous. I forget if I told this story on here before, but I had a crush on this guy, Nico and fifth grade and Valentine's Day was coming around. And I made our teacher when she was doing new seat assignments. I made her put me next to him because I wanted to be right next to him. And she let me. So we sat next to each other.

And then I got him a stuffed bee, like stuffed animal. And it said, will you be my Valentine? And I put it on his desk before class started. And then he was like, oh, what is this? And I was like, I don't know. but whoever got it for you probably is like really cool and like really likes you that's so nice of whoever did that and then he told me that he had a girlfriend and I wrote in my diary I drew a picture of him and his girlfriend holding hands in me behind them with a gun I used to do

shit like that there was a guy that I had a huge like crush on in college who dressed like a column biner and I was so fucking obsessed with them I used to I used to get drunk and text him like these like long ass text being like where are you like you say that you you say that you want to bend to a woman's will but then i'm here talking to you and you're nowhere to be found you sick fuck you're fucking disgusting i hate the way you dress i want you so badly like would just blow up his phone and he would be like yo like what what does this mean you know but um after he like brutally brutally rejected me in like an insane heartbreak moment for me i would we had like an english class together and we used to sit next to each other then he rejected me and so i would sit behind him and i would get

to class early so that i could get a seat like in the back of the room so i could sit behind him and all of class i would have my earbuds in and i would listen to bad girl by madonna on loop and i would point a finger gun at the back of his head and pretend to explode his brain with my finger gun and I did that for an entire semester. He looked like the column biner, but you were the column biner. You were projecting onto him. No, exactly, exactly. No matter what fucking time of night it was,

he would always wear a leather trench coat and a rolled beanie. Even if it was four in the morning and we were indoors and it didn't warrant it, even if it was warm out, always. That outfit was always on. And for some reason, I thought that was so deep and so sexy. But it probably just meant he didn't really have any other clothes. You know, it's the end of the year. Like, does anyone have any favorite pop culture moments or pop culture predictions for next year?

Any? I feel like my brain goes empty. I'm like, what even happened this year? This was a weird year. It has some bad. I feel like Jennifer Lawrence will get divorced. Oh. Who she didn't even married to?

I don't know. She's married to like an art dealer. Yeah. What does that mean? I just feel like she likes to talk about. I feel like that's always like a natural pivot after, you know, in your mid 30s. I feel like everyone from like Salma Hayek or somebody, Heidi. They always go for, at one point, the art dealer.

But isn't art dealer that just mean a guy with a rich family? Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. It's a guy with a rich family who just, like, goes to galleries, and it's like, I could buy that and sell this to somebody else, probably. It's, like, probably a very simple, easy job for a guy who's, like, a layabout. It's kind of gross to me. I feel like Jennifer Lawrence is going to get divorced, and then Joe Jonas is going to slide in my

DMs. Whoa, do you want him to? Are you a Joe Jonas girl? I don't know, but he's, like, sexy and single, and I feel like, for some reason, he's just going to discover me in 2026 and, like, kind of make a move. My friend feels this way about Will Arnette. She's like, I don't want to fuck him, but I think that in the next two years, he's going to want to fuck me. They have no connection to each other whatsoever. Is your friend blonde and skinny?

She's not. Or she's skinny, but she's brunette. Okay. I feel like she'll have to dye her hair. I feel like he has a blonde thing. The thing about her is, I think that her essence is so wonderful that maybe it could be. true. Okay. Yeah, she thinks the same way where she's like, I have no connection to this famous individual whatsoever. We don't know anybody in common, but I know that he's currently single and

one day will come across each other and he won't be able to resist me. And then I'll have to make my choice. But it's crazy to predict that somebody will want you even if you don't want them. Yeah, I think he'll want me. I actually think this is so doable for everyone involved. One of my biggest crushes, like and I know this isn't that big of a deal but when I was in New York like two years ago I saw him at the hotel that I was at he checked me out okay I'll just say that

you guys remember how much I loved him yes he fully like and I was with David I was like Dave I know he checked me out I know he did Dave's like I didn't see but I believe you this is how okay you know I'm really not into white guys like at all right really no shade I've dated a couple white guys but it's just you know not my youth it's not what i what kind of white guy are you

into like i could picture it like shy lo buff right like gold chain yeah like kind of like dirty white guy strong out if you want to keep your finances under control this holiday season you need to be using monarch rated wall street journal's best budgeting app of 2025 monarch is the all-in-one personal finance tool that brings your entire financial life together in one click interface on your laptop or your phone and right now just for our listeners monarch is offering 50% off your first order realizing how easy it is to just like blow through my holiday budget without a central place to track everything in real time it's been a thing when I see all the travel and the gift expenses add up from just this year already like it's painful and monarch is a wake-up call

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And I'm like their intro to like, I don't know. Masculine. Yeah, I think so. And I'm like, why does every guy I'm with like love doggy style? I'm like, they don't want to see my face. It could be anybody's butt from there. The most insulting style for me was when I dated this. obviously he was bisexual great but he never he was in the closet about it i think i talked about it on tiger belly

he ended up like beating me but he never just wanted it doggy style like you guys can i just i know we're not a sexual show anymore but he would we would lay me flat and like cowgirl me like with my face down in the pillow like he would straddle me like a horse and i was like wait this seems really gay but then i was obviously obsessed because you know i'm into gay guys I feel like most men I've dated have been gay for attention Like not gay in any like legible way Where it's like their truth at all But gay in a way where they like it for the social capital

Can bring them which I think is tacky and annoying I feel like that's strategic It is strategic and it's like just go get fucked in the butt Like prove yourself Yeah my ex like the first night that we met Like our very first date we got really drunk at this bar in Brooklyn and he started making out with a gay guy that was like just at the bar and so as retaliation I spit in the bartender's mouth like I like hawked a lugie down the bartender's throat

this is back when I was like trying to be a wild girl in my very brief tenure as a wild girl like this is the kind of shit I was getting up to so he's making out with this gay guy he spits in the bar I spit in the bartender's mouth he and I are making out he's going back to the gay guy to make out I'm spitting on the bartender or whatever and then later that night somehow along the way i guess like when i was really busy spitting and wasn't paying attention wasn't keeping an eye on my man he got the gay guy's phone number and later that night like i was back at his apartment and he was like hold on like i need a dick pill i don't have any left and he texted the gay guy and was like can you bike over here's my address bring me a dick pill and the gay guy was like i'm at an orgy right now

but all come in like the next hour and so then we just like sat in his apartment drunk wait how old was this guy who needed the dick pill like 23 zoomers are zoomers move different like really it doesn't it doesn't work it really doesn't work none of them it's because everyone's like addicted to porn it's just like a weird generational malady it's it's very very strange it's like a confluence of many many things but maybe maybe they're like nervous in front of a person I think so I think so it's like COVID adolescence I think just gets your dick soft and There has to be something else because that it can't be. Everyone's nervous.

But did guys have erectile dysfunction when you guys were first seven sex? No. No, it's like a new phenom. It's very, very strange. It's like, I think it's a mix of many different things. But anyway, so he messages the gay guy. The gay guy's like, I'm on an orgy. I'll come over later.

So we're just like kind of sitting waiting for this gay guy. And then the gay guy comes, just like, has the dick pills just loose in his hand riding a bicycle, like rides. like up to the outside of this guy's apartment we're waiting on the street my pants are like half down my hair is fucking a mess my makeup is like smeared all over my face I'm drunk as a skunk and

the gay guy just hands over a fistful of dick pills this guy that I'm with takes all of them at once dry so it's like four of them at once and then the gay guy and him just start making out again the second that the pills are down in his own I'm standing like yes

like cheering and jumping up and down people are walking by in the neighborhood but like, damn, like, white people used to not live here. This is crazy. Then we're like, okay, cool, that's settled. We go upstairs. The second we get through his door again, we, like, climb up, like, four flights of stairs to get back to his apartment.

The gay guy, like, bikes off. The second we get back upstairs, the gay guy has somehow found his Venmo and has requested him, like, $30 on Venmo for the handful of pills. So the moral of the story, I guess, is being gay for attention is not enough. Money still needs to go in somebody's hands. you're always going to have to pay for it so funny because i'm like man i'm so my life is crazy i'm so wild and then i'm like i'm so boring no well i'm boring now this is one of my only stories from like

a time where i was like wild in a way that was like fun and interesting i was wild in a way that was like depressing and dark for a long time but are you still in the situation ship that you were speaking of last time yes are you update us this is Oh, I'm older, man. Like how old? He's 38. Okay. It's been going.

What's the latest? Are you getting anywhere with tricking and trapping or not really? I think I have trapped him because he just went on antidepressants. Ergo he is not horny anymore. So I think that we're going to stay monogamous for sure. We have been, but I think I really have locked him down because I've convinced him to chemically neuter himself. and I'm happy with that. I'm really happy with that.

Yeah. That's a huge tip. Antidepressant. Yeah. Yeah. It's major. He's going to be excited to go out. He's not going to want to fuck me or anybody else.

It's a perfect arrangement. I started antidepressants and I've gotten hornier. Really? Which one are you on? Well, I think it's by adding, I was on Zoloft, but then we added well, Butron to the mix and I feel like that's really given me a little pep in my boot. Well, but yeah, doesn't affect sex drive. Zoloft definitely.

does. Zoloft did for me hard. I couldn't like, same. I would, uh, nothing, nothing. I would never get there. I would never finish nothing. When I, I don't finish period, so. Really? Me, ever? Me neither usually. Really? Do you, can you masturbate income? Yeah, no. No. Yeah. Oh. Wait, I think I've heard you talk about this years ago. Have you still never? Yeah. You've never had an orgasm ever in your life? No, I've had like one or two. Wow. Yeah. How do you feel about that? Fine. At this point it's normal for me wow I can't come from sex but I can like enter a flow state masturbatorily and I can kind of lock in but it's really like I've never been able to like come in front of anybody else like it truly is when I'm masturbating and I'm focused on coming

it is like face down in the pillow gay guy style like there's a gay guy behind me um just sort of like gooning in a kind of hypnotized flow state where it's like five to 10 minutes. It feels like I'm exercising a demon from my soul. It's totally quiet. It's totally still. You wouldn't know that it was happening. And then I just move on with the rest of my day. Hand or a vibrator? Vibrator always. Hand. It's like I've tried that. It just feels like I'm going to give myself carpal tunnel. Yeah. Because I am on the Zoloft and so I do need the robots help. I need the robots help unfortunately. Yeah. I feel Amish because I only recently started using a vibrator. Has it been for you? Fine. But for a while it feels like riding a motorcycle.

you know when like your hand starts getting itchy? Yeah. Where I'm like, you know what I mean? You can feel the heat through like the handle. Yeah. But I can't come from sex at all. Yeah. I don't really like sex for me is like so take it or leave it.

Like it's kind of just like I'll do it. If I like the other person, it's like kind of a thing that I'm doing for them. But I don't really derive anything from it personally. Yeah. And the Zoloff definitely doesn't help that. I mean, I was on for most of my from from 10. 10 to 18, I was on my maximum dose at one point was 250 milligrams, just past legal limit. Plus, I was on this thing called Mamanthine, which is an inhibitor of the Zoloft, because that

wasn't even enough for me because I was so fucking cracked out of my mind crazy. But Mamanthine, I was on like 20 milligrams. It's basically like has like a ketamine like structure, like effect in the body where it's like kind of like a sedative that you can function on. So not only was I on all of the Soloft, but I was also like. basically every single day in my life just like sedated. Why were you? Why did you start a 10?

You're like Britney Spears. I have really bad OCD. Yeah. Or I know literally Britney Boots. I am like 15 years old. I'm just like met it out of my mind. So when all of my friends are like discovering like how to masturbate and how to fuck, I had absolutely no concept of that.

I like bought a vibrator when I was 15 with Trisha Paitis discount code from Adameneem.com. Right? Because I was like, I have to figure this out. all my friends are losing their virginities all my friends you're talking about at school being like I'm coming up down left right and center and I'm like I was like I have to get on this I have to figure this out so I bought like a little bullet vibrator that was like 20 bucks with a discount code so it was like just super cheap piece of shit fucking vibrator broke immediately the first night I used it not I had no concept of sexuality so I was like I'm not going to watch porn because it's not going to do anything

for me because I don't know what these people are doing to each other's bodies is going to scare me right I was like, I was like, I'm going to find this, like, looney tunes ask and frightening. So I put on Anthony Jesselnik's special thoughts and prayers, and I masturbated to it for the entire duration and did not come because, of course, my vagina was literally dead and null from this medication. And I didn't know then that, like, you can't really masturbate to a stand-up comedy, especially even if you think the comedian at the center of it is attractive. And so I, like, tried.

And then the vibrator, it was on for so long that it broke in my, hand and never worked ever again and that was like the last time i ever tried that until i was an adult my first time masturbating was to full house on nick at night see it was just on and i was like sometimes jokes get you there right yeah sometimes good comedic timing and charisma gets you there yeah does anyone know what elf on the shelf is i don't i'm honestly it's so embarrassing like i don't know how it works definitely we can someone explain how it works oh i know elf on the shelf i know i knew you would. I know everything. Because you're so wholesome. I'm tapped in. Yeah. She has siblings, a good family. Yeah. I've never done elf on the shelf. It's just that my TikTok thinks I'm a single mom. So you also have nieces and nephews. But no one in my family does elf on a shelf. Huh. I truly learn everything from TikTok. But you know, I, it's on my TikTok algorithm. I still don't get it. So, well, how it started was you just like, from what I believe is that there's this little elf on a shelf and you put it on a shelf. And you put it on a shelf. for somewhere and the whole point is like telling your kids like oh you can't like you can't

actually I don't know as much as I thought I think like you can't there's something you can't do like like you like the parents can't see the elf or something you can't touch it why can't you touch it so it's a popular where a magical scout elf from Santa visits home from December blah blah blah observing children's behavior and reporting back to Santa okay yeah so it's like if you something bad you're like the elf saw you you you can't touch it but they can talk to it it moves to new spots daily delighting children but then like parents got so crazy and wild and they're like the elf drew a mustache on your face when you were sleeping wait sorry guys I have to do some pelvic stretches some squats yeah could you what if you get birth on the pod what if you

started going into labor Kalila can give I could catch you I've been I've been there for three of my sister for all of my sister's birth. Like in the room? Yeah. So I'm ready. Have you ever delivered a baby? Well, you've had a baby, but have you ever delivered somebody else's? Yeah, because I went to nursing school. So I had my labor and delivery rotation and you had to

be there for C-sections and baby catches and it was really nice. Yeah. Long Beach. Cal State Long Beach. In seventh grade, they made us watch a birth video in health class and this boy named Vance ran out of the class throwing up. She had the biggest fucking bush of all time. So sick. dude, changed the rest of my life.

I was like, I'm growing my out. Yeah, I think so. Probably from the 80s or something. Yeah, it was like an old nasty quality, like two pixel video. And this boy named Vance, like, started throwing up and had to run out of the class. Still don't know what Elf on the shelf is.

Yeah, but I feel like I'm never gonna know. I feel like that's not really fun for a kid to be like, there is. No, they love it. Every day, it's in a new spot. It's in a new spot. It's so Catholic, though. It feels so Catholic.

It's like somebody's watching you feel bad about it. It feels like something you do if your dad like an absent father like it's something for like the mom to really like since the elf is a boy and it's like see there's a guy here yeah it's like the dad's kind of absent and the mom's like we got to bring joy to this family right you know like i feel like it's fun if every day you're like now we find the elf like a treasure hunt yeah yeah i don't know if it's something like that or if it's like an obvious spot it's kind of obvious oh and i feel like now it's gotten to the point where it's like so much hijinks where it's like not

it's not even elf on the shelf it's like elf in the toilet and it just shit like it's always something crazy yeah it'll like literally they'll have like Hershey's kisses next to the elf and it'll be like oops I got into some

I got into your Christmas cookies like the elf they're making it do weird stuff I grew up like Jewish so this is like we never did anything like this Christmas is demonic yeah we just never did anything like this So it's, I've heard about it like from the internet, but I guess none of us have experienced with Elf in the Shelf.

I want to propose something to you guys. Because this still happens in the Philippines and I feel like it's so wholesome and it's a lost art form. Would you be down to go caroling? Yes. Yes. You would? I think I went caroling in middle school.

I was in like a choir and we went caroling and it was so much fun. It is so fun. We got carolers at our door. and Dave was like he was like shaking he was so afraid he didn't know what to I was like don't worry like I'll handle it like he was just so uncomfortable and acting like it's Mormon like trying to sell you something he was he's so scared of Christmas but the carolers like got to him I really felt like a hero were they in the very front of your home or just on the curb they came up to the door okay that's too much maybe just like you know stay stand back I feel like on the

Curve is more haunting because it's like, you hear. Yeah, they're so far away. Right. It's like, silent night. That seems a lot scarier. At least when they're coming to the door, you're being sort of, you know what's happening. I think there's something beautiful about being a caroler,

and there's something horrific about watching a caroler. Being caroled too must be frightening. I've never been caroled too, but I've caroled too. Being caroled is so special. I promise you. I have, like, main character syndrome, so I'm like, I don't want to see anyone else perform. Carolers came to my door, I'd just start chiming in.

You know, I'd be like, Where are you guys off to next? Can I do solo? Can I do solo, please? This is a big thing in the Philippines? Huge, yeah. And even if you're, even on the streets, I'm Filipino's known to be, like, incredible singers.

Yeah, I think that's probably it too. It's like, I think the four of us, caroling is, we're new, yeah, zero dollars. I think so. I think it's wholesome. I don't, here's why I don't think you should approach a door ever. It's because people are fucking trigger happy. I don't want to get shot on someone's lawn. Right.

I, you know, I'm not the brownest girl, but I'm brown enough in the dark to be like, that's a, you know. But also it's like carolers are wearing like top hats and like sweaters and reindeer ears and there's like a gaggle of them. Who's that like male singer record that you look like? Takashi. Yeah. You should dress like him. She six nine. Yeah, we have the same.

See? I see it. I do see that one. What did I say earlier? So that one you get, I see that one. Thank you. I see that one loud and clear. I think I just archive that post it, which I shouldn't have because.

because I really feel like that I am, Takashi. Yeah. We are related. One time I dyed my hair rainbow and I looked like Takashi, but only because of the hair. Kalila got that fee fee fee. I got that fee fee. What's your guys' favorite Christmas song? Like, which song makes you feel like, yes?

I don't feel like yes. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears. And it's Ray Kahnif Christmas Bride. It's about a Christmas wedding, but it's the melody and the, the sound of it all. It's a little bit more obscure, but if I hear it, I will burst into tears. What's yours? I like, um, simply having a wonderful Christmas time.

They put, like, crack in that song. It feels like it's just like, yes, yes, I love it. I don't know if I have one. Come on. What about the, name some, maybe. Charlie Brown one. That's more just the, like the music. You guys leave them more Jewish girl alone.

I know, like, I don't. This is hard for her. These were all, like, references that were, like, peripheral to me. I was lighten the damn... You're like, Dave. You guys are just scared of Christmas. Did you grow up Jewish? I grew up half, so we did both.

And Dave is full Jewish. He's a full, yeah. I love the Kelly Clarkson Christmas album. Whoa. The Leona Lewis Christmas single. Wait, I really miss Leona Lewis. Arianna Grande has a good Christmas AP from, like, 10 years ago. Yes.

Oh, yeah. I would say that, actually. That's a great one. Yeah. She's really good. That is one of our questions. We had some more holiday sort of hot takes. Let's get into it. Yeah.

First one, Hallmark movies. I think Chris, love me too. Love. Just like, I mean, right now, like I'm under contract with Lifetime to write a Lifetime movie. And so this entire. About what? It's about like a femme cell who finds a tried wife influencer that looks exactly like her. And she, you're so flexible.

She finds a Troutife influencer who looks exactly like her and she kidnaps her and takes over her house and starts making videos on her account. and fucks her husband. Oh, and Lifetime likes this? Yeah, it's like one of their classic, like, domestic thrillers that they, like, used to do. Oh, that's right, that's right. Because all their movies used to be like, woman gets raped and murdered in a basement.

What's going on there, you know? And so we're trying to bring that style back. But that whole, like, lifetime homework world is all, like, very correlated. And I'm down. I mean, it, like, gives jobs to, like, low-be screenwriters and they pay well. So I support.

I like them as, like, background like whenever like in December if I have a friend coming over and we're going to like hang out and chat what's on my TV is a Hallmark Christmas movie in the background something where the volume is not on but you can occasionally glance and be like

wow that's cute for vibes yeah it's a good vibe it's always a woman with like blonde balliage like barrel curls and she's wearing a beanie with a little bobble on top and she's smiling at a snowman and it's always very sweet I support Hallmark movies. The cheesier, the worse, the better, I think. Yes. Well, it's also like there's so many

movies to choose. I have like movie paralysis. Like, I never know what to pick. And I feel like you can't go wrong with any Hallmark movie. Like, it's not like there's going to be the best of them. It's like, it's like, okay. They're easy. They're always going to be easy. But it's not my go to. Matching family Christmas pajamas. Yes. Even though I have a Jewish husband, I did this to him last year. and I'm so grateful, and I want to do it again this year. I've never done this. I think it's cute. We do it in my family, and it's really, it looks so psycho, but I do love it.

I wish I was matching with my baby more often, actually. Yeah. I think I had my first Christmas when I was maybe 10, because my mom's ex was not Jewish, and so we used to do Christmas at his house, but I don't remember ever wearing anything matching i don't think we were that coordinated my boyfriend got together in november and he got invited to christmas with my family that first month we were dating whoa and it went great but he had to wear matching pajamas with everyone that's awesome and he was i guess like calling his friend being like what do i do like they want me to wear matching pajamas he didn't want to do it no because he's also jewish and he's like

I've never done that he was very confused. And, like, guys in, like, the pajamas that we get, like, their junk is, like, a little bit too exposed. Like, the pants never fit men correctly in those, like, matching sets. And so it's, like, my dad, my, like, brother-in-law is, my boyfriend. Like, you can just see, there's too much happening. Gray sweatpants challenge. A bamboo material.

Yeah. It's foul. Colila, what's happening to me? You can just sugar his crash. Is it dropping? Is it my low blood pressure? I'll buy the fucking glucometer and I'll take your sugar in the next time. But please bring it with you.

I'm really curious to see because that will give you something more definitive to work with, right? Because it's like, okay, if you're feeling this way, you're hypoglycemic, then you're not going to, you know, wonder. You're just going to eat a bar, drink some orange juice, and then you'll be fine. Sorry, guys. You can keep this conversation in. Let's let the people know how hard I'm fighting to be here. That's true. I know.

How are you feeling now? Wait, I'm embarrassed in front of the young girls. Don't be embarrassed, princess. You're pregnant. You're creating a new life. How are you feeling now? Like still not great, but I feel like maybe a little slowly coming back. Okay.

I wish I'd eat a banana. I wish I'd eat more. Because I feel like it has potassium. It's more like complex carbs. It's not as like, it is sugary, but it's just enough that it won't. I will. Look at her. Yay.

Yes. Warrior. They're not that ripe. So it kind of tastes like nothing. and you can just pretend it's nothing. I think bananas are fake. In what way? I think it's like 3D printed.

Those particular ones. And again, I'm going to go down the banana rabbit hole explanation. But the reason why it's so fucked the banana industry is that we have basically created one type of banana, which is the cabin dish, and that's a cavendish because they have good shelf life. They look nice on the shelves for a really long time. But the reality is we have wiped out variety in our bananas. and there is one particular fungus that basically kills banana farms and like acres and acres at one time.

So if we are down to one variety and that particular fungus takes over Cavendish, we will be a world without bananas. Whoa. You know when you see like... She's a conspiracy theorist. I'm not. I swear to God, because I grew up in a country where we have 50 kinds of bananas. Holy shit. And it is so good.

We have red banana. We have dung dan. We have red banana, like the flash on the outside is red? Yes, apple banana. We have so many kinds. And so it's like, it's heartbreaking for me that this is the only option because we're really fucking our banana system here. Do they still have 50 kinds of bananas in the Philippines? They do.

Yeah. But in America, this is like the only. But what's happening is that a lot of these big conglomerates, these fucking Chiquita bananas or whatever, they are now taking over like banana farms in the Philippines. And they are preferring to make Cavendish bananas because they just, they age well. You know, they don't go brown on the shelves very fast, and those bananas do. Even though when they go brown, they're still delicious and usable, they're just not pretty. What's your favorite kind of banana? I would say this one called Tungan, and it's kind of like an apple banana.

Small, it's small like this with really white, white meat. Oh, these, yes, where they're kind of like pear-shaped. They're like oblong. Yeah. I have like a tree outside of my... Can I come over? House that I think has one of these. Oh, I will absolutely harvest.

Can she live in your tree? Can I live right behind it? There was a bat in my driveway. the other day. Oh, that's exciting. I love bats. They're the cutest. Were you scared? Yeah. I would have been scared. Because you don't know its next move. A coyote followed my mom down our block the other day.

They have been. They've been a little bit. They're looking for water. They're thirsty. They're hungry this year. Crazy. I know. Just followed my mom and her dog like three blocks. There's one that bit like three kids at a mall outside of a mall. A coyote. A coyote did. Yeah. I swear it was like two weeks ago. And I swear I think it's because between like loss of habit. from the fires and everything.

They're just really going through it, guys. Let's forgive them. It's hard. It's complicated because they're so cute, but like, they would kill my dog. See, at the Westfield Mall. Oh, my God. And they euthanized it. I guess that makes sense.

It bit the kids. Were the kids okay? I think so. They probably had to use them euthanize it to make sure it's not rabid. A lot of stuff happens at a Westfield Mall. Nothing good has really ever happened to any of the Westfield Malls. At least not to me. You love the Westfield Mall?

Well, just the one in my hometown. There's a Westfield Mall in Skokie, Illinois. Old Orchard. The first outdoor mall in the country. Wow. Wow. A little bit of history. So know your stuff.

You, Lisa, and the Westfield Mall are the best exports of Skokie. Thank you so much. Or potentially the only exports of Skokie. Yes, Lisa Trager. We went to the same everything school. What's the next one after this? White elephant. Okay.

Do you guys ever play this? Is this the same as Secret Santa? No, right? No, it's not. you bring so basically it's like if you're going to like a friend's Christmas party and you bring a gift and you basically fight for that gift is it like when you trade like somebody's like I will take that and then you have to give this person yes yeah in order you like unwrap a random gift you pick one you all get a number and then in that order you pick one random gift you open it and then the next

person can either steal that gift or pick a new wrapped gift gift we played this in my fifth grade class and there was like a the teacher's assistant was like this old lady who really had it out for me and she would tell me that she like hated my outfits and she would be like I wish that it was legal to hit you because I would I would hit you right now what she told me that every day she'd be like I just want to hit you like I really want to hit you and we were all like our class with the teacher and the teacher's assistant we were playing a white elephant game and I received something that like I kind of wanted that would have been like useful to my life I don't remember what it was and this teacher's assistant who wanted to hit me probably yeah this teacher's assistant who

was just like standing right next to me immediately seized my gift and then didn't make any other swaps for like the entire rest of the game like and nobody swapped with her because they were like I'm gonna get in trouble for that like there's a theme that like older women or like older people really have beef with you no it's just that they all want to hit me but this 33 year old woman this teacher's assistant yeah it's been a pattern my entire life but she like seized my gift I can't remember what it was I think it was like a book of crossword puzzles or like Sudoku was something that I wanted. And she seized it. Nobody else traded with her because she had more power.

And so they were like worried too. And then the thing I ended up with was like a backpack that had like a Disney character on it. And I like didn't want it. And so then I just like gave it to like a kindergartner that was like on campus. But that was my only experience ever playing White Elephant. And I didn't like it. It's stressful. I find it stressful.

I find it too competitive. I find it tense. I think the way we do it in our family is way better. We do this thing called Christmas Bonanza. If I'm appointed the gift giver that year, I buy everything from a Trager grill to I'll wrap a box of rocks. Like really just like nothing gifts to like the top tier gift. And if we're 12 people, 12 people each choose like a wrapped gift. And they open it one by one.

And then you can compete for that. So let's suppose you open a box of rocks, but then someone had already opened the Trigger Grill. You can, we do Kaibai Bo, it's Korean, what do you call it? Rock paper scissors, but you do it with your body. And you fight for that Trigger Grill. And if you win, then that person gets the box of rocks and you get the Trigger Grill. So it's very, it's very, it's violence.

I don't like games. I'm just really somebody that's, I've never, I've never liked games. I think the only game that I can. tolerate is uno and even then i get kind of confused on the rules because the cards are like all different colors and i find it confusing and the numbers and everything it fucks me up i don't really like games i'm not a competitive person competition really frightens me because it's like if we're not winning money or if this isn't going to change our lives in any real way i don't see a point in it saying merry christmas versus happy holidays merry christmas fuck happy holidays merry christmas i guess it's just it's

Classic. It's like, you know, it's, I feel like, you know how, you know, people are like, can I say guys if there's like non-binary people? It's like Merry Christmas is like gender neutral for the holidays. Like it doesn't mean like Jesus Christ, God bless. I feel like Merry Christmas could even mean Happy Hanukkah. There's Christ in Miss. What? There's Christ in Christmas. Yeah, but, you know, I just feel like Merry Christmas, it's general. Yeah, I don't really give a shit. And I'm, I'm from like hyper Catholic. I'd say Merry Christmas to mean Happy Hanukkah. I feel like it's all the same. I mean, Happy Holidays is alliterative, which is nice. Yeah. Merry Christmas isn't. So I guess it just depends what rolls off the tongue better. Yeah.

Yeah, someone said Happy Hanukkah to me. I'd be equally thrilled. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. That's sweet. That's wishing you eight good days instead of just one good day. I know, I know. Christmas is one day.

Hanukkah's eight. It's wishing you a week and a day of joy. What about going on vacation versus staying home? I love a Christmas vacation. Last Christmas time, my mom and I went to Italy. And it was really wonderful. And we spent Christmas in Italy. But like didn't do anything Christmasy or anything.

But just like our holiday break trip was, we went all over Italy. And it was wonderful. And it's great because I had time off of work. She had time off of work. And so we got to go somewhere. I can sit at the house anytime. Yeah. I think like the older I get the more I'm like oh I'd rather do vacation because I don't know like we used to do Christmas at home which was really special but then it's like as my parents got older it's like the house got raggedy my dad got a roommate I'm like why is Brandon at Christmas like hiding in his room and now we do it at like my sister's in-laws which is like not at home so it's like kind of vacation but not really and I'm like I would rather just like get out and do something like

on kind of on my own, but I don't want to be like the black sheep of the family, but I do think it would be nice to do Christmas away. I like it better than that. Because yeah, you get put in awkward situations on holidays with like peripheral family members. Like, so my, my grandpa died last year and he had a wife who's like younger and they have two daughters who are my aunts who are 19 and they're Vietnamese. So their entire side of the family is Vietnamese. So my mom and I are there and they're like totally lovely and we love them and have spent like all of the holidays like my whole life with them but then they have this like big Vietnamese family whom my mother and I are not related to whatsoever so like the only blood related people to me at Thanksgiving out of like 40 people are my mom's sisters and my mom and so then I'm just like with it always just kind of feels like I'm interloping on another family a little bit especially because like some of them prefer not to speak in English and they speak in Vietnamese and so I can't communicate with them that way and it's just like stuff like that where it feels a little tense and awkward even though like they're all lovely and wonderful but it's like

I don't really have a whole family that I that's like my own that I can do any holidays with and so when my mom and I like go on like a road trip or like fly somewhere on a holiday break it's nice because like she's the person of my family that I'm closest to she's like pretty much yeah like my the closest thing that I have to like real family and so she and I just like have such a tight bond that it's nice to spend the holidays with somebody that like really knows you I would say Christmas in the United States is really tough and um the sadness that I felt having spent all of my childhood Christmases in the Philippines and then all of a sudden having this nuclear setup here where it was just my mom my dad my dying dad and my sister felt so utterly

lonely that it kind of really messed up the holidays as an adult for a long time. But now that I have a baby, I'm excited all over again where I'm like, oh, I could do fun things and be a kid again and do things that he might enjoy. So I'm entered a new season of like, okay, this is starting to get fun again. But I'm telling you guys, like, American Christmases for me are so utterly depressing compared to how fun it is back home. And I used to fly back home for the holidays to the Philippines because it just feels so like communal and fun.

And even if it's extended family, even if it is peripheral family, like the belief there is like, who gives a fuck? Let's just party it up as a neighborhood or as a village or this. Like it's so warm and welcoming. Over here it is very like separate, right? There's a lot of separate.

Yeah, just you do everything in the house and there's everybody's sort of sequestered to their own home. and their own families and And there's a lot of formalities here. Nothing really melds. Yeah, and there's a lot of formalities. Yeah, and there's a lot of like weirdness around like just even like socially it's different here.

There's a lot, there are a lot of rules as to how to behave. Back home, like nobody gives a fuck. You're just fucking eating together. Yeah, I feel like Mexican families have like really big fun. Yes, yes. And I feel like, yeah, like white Christmas is very sterile and bland. and it's like more about the aesthetic than like the celebration then the celebration yeah also white people like don't love god the way that mexicans it's true and you're so right about this because

in the philippines christmas starts in july yeah the christmas trees go up in the mall everyone maria carrie is blaring and it is such it's our like super bowl right so we take it really seriously so it's like and there's midnight mass and while i'm not like religious in any way there is a feeling of seeing people like walk and like the memory of everyone just being up at midnight even the kids because it's like oh what are we all doing here it's midnight and then we're doing this thing and who cares if we're there for jesus or not but it was nice to be up that late and so yeah i miss it back home and i i am not a fan of my american christmases when was the last time you were in the philippine three years ago i used to go back every year have you brought your baby back to the philippines

Not yet. And I am really trying hard to tackle my anxiety around it because I feel as though, like, he'd have so much fun and I'd have so much help back home. I just, I don't know, I'm just like a really, like, anxious mess right now. And the thought of just, like, traveling or doing anything difficult, like, freaks me out. The Philippines will always be there. I know. It's not going to fall into the sea.

I know. I wish I could take everyone there. I know what's a... I want to go to the Philippines. I love karaoke. Yeah. Oh, my God. I love karaoke.

My kid is just learning And I love gay guys And I feel like boys in the Philippines Are gay as fuck We do gay On steroids there Like It's

I'm sure you've seen it on TikTok and stuff Like it is such a sport I've seen it on 90 day fiance Beyond that Look at we have like basketball games Like just local basketball games Where it's a gay basketball game It's not just a basketball game

Like they have to shoot a certain way They have to lay up a certain way. They have to rebound. Everything is, it's gay basketball. Drag in the Philippines is so fantastic. It's the best. It's the best. Nothing beats drag in the Philippines. So yeah, I'd love to take everyone back home and experience Christmas there because it's on a different level.

Next year, we're all out. Okay. And then we'll go caroling. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Thanks for saying yes. I'm going to hold everyone to it. Come so down.

I go scuba die. Okay, what do we, what else? How do you guys feel about egg knock? Oh, no. I've never had it. Oh, God. I don't think I've ever had it. If I had, I took a tiny sip and I'm against it.

Me too. I don't even want to go near it. It's like eggs and milk. It's like a thick, yeah. And is there mint in it or something? I don't think so. I love egg. I love tapioca.

I love all the separates here, the ingredients, but like just the, there's, maybe I tasted the wrong eggnog. Eggs, cream flavorings often with alcohol. Yeah, I've never had this in my life. You know, maybe I'm going to have to give it another go because I do love like thick nasty substance it might be similar to like horchata which is i love horchata yeah yeah it's too cum like it's too semenesque for me new year's eve and time square oh god that sounds like a nightmare i don't think i've been to time square on new years i've like never seen the ball drop or

anything like in person um usually on new year's this new year's i'm seeing i'm seeing louis on on New Year's Eve, so I'm excited for that at the King's Theater in Flatbush and Brooklyn. I'm really excited. Usually on New Year's, I'm just like party hopping, and then it always ends up being lame. I've never had a New Year's kiss, and so everybody's making out, and I'm always kind of just standing there like a fucking idiot. So New Year's never ends up being fun or monumental for me. Maybe if I had something like a planned event in Times Square, I'd be happier, but also

Times Square is such a zoo, and I can kind of go there anytime, so the novelty is really worn off. I do feel like it is iconic. I think it would be stressful being surrounded by that many people and everyone pissing in diapers. I love watching it on television. But I feel the same way where I'm like there's always this like pressure and expectation for New Year's where like, you know, who's going to kiss me? And then it's like now I have a boyfriend and that's not as like exciting to like get a boyfriend

kiss on New Year's. It's either it's got to be like a crush and that's the first time you're kissing because Kissing a significant other in New Year's is so anti-climactic. There's nothing special about it. You're like, all right. The only New Year's kiss I've ever had was, like, a girl that I knew in high school kissed me on the cheek, but we like, all of, like, the girls that didn't have, like, kisses were like, oh, that's good.

Oh, you. And it just, like, really felt like rubbing salt in the wound. And I was, like, looking around after that, like, horrible, like, just barely grazed my skin pack, like, kind of just, like, craning my head around to the round. of the party and everybody's just like fingering each other and it was just like just really really hurt my feelings i don't remember what i did last new years i actually have literally no oh it went to like a like a gay bar party so then of course like it was really fun but then you know of course i'm not going to have a kiss because then it's just like all the gay guys you're just

making out with each other yeah so you know i'd have a kiss there you'd have a kiss there a gay guy would come for my big back you'd have a kiss there but i didn't i sadly did not have a kiss there I feel like I've just started doing shows on New Year's. So, like, last year, I think, or two years ago, I was in Denver. And then this year, I'm going to be in Portland. And so it's like, okay, now I have something to do and, like, other losers to celebrate with. If you're going to a comedy show on New Year's Eve, you don't have a kiss. Yeah, you don't have a kiss.

So I get to be your kiss now. Wow, that's beautiful. Yeah, me and Louie. Yeah, I'm excited to see Louie. I'm going to clap and cheer. Yeah. This will be the last one. Okay.

Real or fake Christmas? Real. Real. Yeah, real. They smell so much better. They smell good. I will say that I have opted for a fake one this year just because my baby has some eczema. And you know how if you get your tree too early, it builds up the fungus and the spores.

And we all have allergies. And it doesn't feel the same. But I did get a real wreath. So I inhale that. deeply before I walk in the door. I think like fake trees can be really beautiful and like they're easy set up and whatever and like you can really get glamorous with a fake tree. But real is just magical.

Yeah, it is magical. I love a real tree covered in like a good, like an artificial color. Like a flock when they flocked. Yes. Yeah. Like a pink. You got to go to like South LA to get those like so fucking funny and tacky. I think those are so awesome.

Thanks for watching Sluggies. Like, comment, subscribe. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. We have a live show on the 28th of January. Oh, yeah. At the Comedy Store. January 28th. Are you guys going to come? I don't know. I might be here again. Will you? Yeah. Oh my God. Will you be part of the show? I hope so. If I'm there, yes. Absolutely. Oh, that would be awesome. January 28th. Yeah, January 28th, Comedy Store. Get your ticket at the link. And we'll see you guys next week. Thank you Ivy. Thank you, Allie. How do you say bye in a Filipino? Bye.

Tagalog. Tagalog. Is it Tagalog? Tagalog, right? Tagalog, yeah, Tagalog, yeah. Just bye. Bye. Bye.