Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Caroline Goldfarb is Our Sugar High

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

*See Esther LIVE! Link: https://linktr.ee/EstherPTouring *KALSHI! Put your money where your mouth is and sign up using the Link: https://www.kalshi.com/TRASHTUESDAY , and the first 500 traders who deposit $100 will get a free $20 credit! That’s Kalshi Dot Com Slash TRASHTUESDAY. *BETTERHELP* This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let the gratitude flow, with BetterHelp. Link: https://www.betterhelp.com/trashtuesday Like & Subscribe to Our Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@TrashTuesday ___________________________________________________________________Last time Caroline Goldfarb was on the show, she predicted the soda/mormon craze that swept the nation in the summer of 2024. Well, she’s done it again, folks! This time she’s got hot tips on Ikea, squirrel thievery and of course, constipation. PLUS you’ll see Esther & Khalyla like you’ve never seen them - Esther with an almond croissant and Khalyla with an unhinged plan to dig up avocado trees via Facebook Marketplace. We’re having fun. More Caroline! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/caroline_goldfarb Substack: https://carolinegoldfarb.substack.com/ Fishwife Tinned Seafood: https://eatfishwife.com Chapters: 00:00 Queen Caroline is Here 03:08 Ikea is So Much More Than Furniture 11:30 Burying a body or Digging up a Tree? 14:50 Caroline Vs. Squirrels 23:00 We Eat Too Much Sugar 39:20 This episode is sponsored by Spindrift 42:00 Caroline Got a Free Pilates Reformer, Doesn't Matter How 53:00 Things Go Off The Rails in 50 Different Ways ___________________________________________________________________WATCH TRASH: https://youtu.be/9Cr6x1M6i_c Spotify Audio Feed: https://bit.ly/TTPodAudio Follow Trash: IG: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday More Esther: Substack & New Solo Pod: https://esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/ More Khalyla: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/ Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A ___________________________________________________________________\Production Team: Tiny Legends, LLC: https://www.instagram.com/tinylegends.prod Stella Young: https://www.instagram.com/estellayoung/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Ariel Moreno: https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ Edited By: Case Blackwell: https://www.instagram.com/caseblackwell

Do you want an avocado tree? Yes. I'll get you one. How? It's free. We just have to dig it out ourselves. But that's where I'm headed this weekend. So they're shutting down this avocado farm. No! I swear! No. I swear. And then I want one of the avocado trees. I want one. Where are we going? Can I come? It's a little far, but yeah, you can come. If this turns into like we're burying a body, I just want you to know that I'm 100% fine with that as long as I get an avocado tree. Okay. Okay. Hello, little slugglies. I'm very excited about today's episode. And guess what? I have a solo podcast. It's on Substack. You can check it out at esther's grouptherapy stack dot com you have to subscribe it is called group therapy so you know where this is headed to crazyville and check it out

and I have dry lips I know everyone on the internet wants me to use chapstick this Friday and Saturday Tacoma Washington get tickets to my shows this weekend November 1st and 2nd and then then November 22nd, 23rd, I'll be in Austin, Texas. Tickets at the link in the description, link in my Instagram bio. I'll see you guys later. CalShe is the first legal exchange where you can trade or bet on any event. Put your money where your mouth is and sign up using our link cal she.com slash trash Tuesday and the first 500 traders who deposit a hundred dollars will get a free $20 credit that's cal she.com slash trash Tuesday. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelphglp.com slash trash Tuesday. Oh my God, we obviously have my favorite person back in the studio, Caroline Goldfarb. She wrote for Sex Lives of College Girls. She still writes for it. She wrote for Alone Together, no big deal. Heard of it?

Heard of it. She has a sub stack. She's setting substack a fire and I will take full credit that I forced you to start a substack. Esther, you have been there. I know you don't want to hear this, but you've pretty much been my unofficial manager since the start of my career. Thank you so much for the credit. As you gave me my first writing job on TV.

And look at her now. We're actually writing on good shows now. Now like 65 followers on Substack. Bitch! It's way more! It's way more! You had one recently on IKEA. I did an IKEA shopping. I am obsessed with IKEA, but I have to take it really seriously. I have a reignited love for IKEA because there was a dead decade there where I was like I can't walk into an IKEA and I went there just for lunch just to have a nostalgic little meatball. Pop a ball. Right. But then I walked through and I was like oh I'm back in. I'm fully back in.

Do you really feel like there's quality products at IKEA? Yes. And the thing is you cannot get tripped up by the furniture, because IKEA is not just furniture. If you think about IKEA as just like ugly beds and shitty couches, you've already lost the race. Okay, well me, I have an IKEA bed, but keep going. I'm sorry. Are you the same?

But IKEA is so much more than that. It's home goods, it's home accessories, it's good linens, it's towels. Is it really good linens? Because okay, here it is. You have to know what you're doing, that's good linens, it's towels. Is it really good linens? Because okay, here, if you know what you're doing, that's the thing. Can I tell you one thing that really sold me on IKEA? Everyone is really into knives.

I'm into knives, right? You have to have a good. Yes. The longest lasting knife that I've ever owned was from IKEA, 2009. I still have that knife. I've never had to sharpen it once. Okay, that actually doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense for anyone. I've never had to sharpen it once. Okay, that actually doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense for anyone. I've never used it once. This is a mystery. And I've gotten knives from Sur La Ta. I've gotten like fancy Japanese knives. My Ikea knife is my forever like winner. Okay. I don't know how.

I don't think they even make this knife anymore. Yeah, that sounds insane. It was a loss leader. They can't afford to make it anymore. What they gave you was too good. Do you know the test of how you know a knife is really sharp? You take a piece of paper and you cut it and if it goes straight through the piece of paper that means you don't have to sharpen it. But okay the thing with IKEA is you really have to know what you're looking for and what you're doing. You cannot go in blind. Like what it, linens for example.

Like okay, yes, IKEA makes 20 pairs of curtains, but ask around, do some research. I found out that IKEA makes linen, 100% linen curtains in gorgeous colors. And they're like a third of the price of the next cheapest linen curtains. Like this is what I'm talking about. It's all about the digging. It's the knowledge. It's the sisterhood. It's information passed down from generation to generation. Wow.

So what you're saying is basically it's like, you can get lost in the schlock. Is that the right word? Exactly. Like there's so much sh**y stuff. The bric-a-brac, the tchotchkes. I wonder what is the business model where they can afford to have some really good stuff?

Why? I'm just so confused. It's Swedish. The money's different there, babe. Oh, I feel like it's similar to Trader Joe's and that you have to know the hits. Okay. You guys are selling me. And so much of it about is about the pack flat. I think that's where they're really saving the money because all the furniture is packed

flat. You know how much money they're saving on on transporting that furniture on truck costs on labor on diesel boxes. Anyway, everything gets assembled like a candlestick you assemble. You just have to get used to it. You have to accept it. That's it. But anyway, IKEA. I love IKEA. Me too. And I bought suction brackets from there. I know it's not the IKEA item we think about, but there's a whole aisle of just things that you can stick on your kitchen tile. And I have not been able to find this at Home Depot anywhere else, but guess who had it? IKEA. What's that? Sheets? Waffle knit bath towels, like a Turkish cotton situation. Shampoo.

Pillow inserts that go in a throw pillow, in like a throw pillow thingy, you know what I'm talking about, like a square European pillow. And affordable frames. Frames. The frames. They're so expensive everywhere else. Everywhere else, they're at least like a hundred

something bucks there, you can get it for 5.99. Okay, let's. What, like a millionaire? Let's talk about the wrong turns. You can make it in Ikea. Tell me what is like, if I go there, I'm blind, I don't, I haven't done my research. I'm just like, I'm gonna have a fun day in Ikea.

What are the mistakes that I'm easily gonna make along the way? Okay, you're not gonna pace yourself in the store. Let's talk about mindset and physical strength. And IKEA is broken down into two parts. You have your showroom where all the furniture is kind of laid out. You can see the furniture in use. Oh, here's a nice little bedroom.

Like here's how they did this. There's this and that. A little pegboard hanging up, whatever. And then you've got your marketplace. Now when I go to IKEA, skip the showroom. There's nothing I that, a little pegboard hanging up, whatever. And then you've got your marketplace. Now when I go to Ikea, skip the showroom. There's nothing I need to see. You skip the showroom? I don't need to see the furniture.

I have all showroom. No, babe. No showroom. That's where you're going to sap most of your strength and you're not going to leave yourself enough for the marketplace. Because the marketplace is no game. Okay? This is serious stuff.

The marketplace is long. It's winding. You have to read a lot of signs. You have to come with your A game, you gotta come hydrated, extra water bottle snacks. I do love that you like the IKEA cafeteria. I personally am not crazy about it. It's not that I'm crazy about it,

it's more at this point just a nostalgia activity. But I will say it is the right move before you go to Marketplace. You gotta be. You gotta get the soft serve or you gotta load up on the lingonberry or something. How are you gonna have strength to shop if you're eating soft serve ice cream? Sugar. Sugar.

Sugar pea. I'm seeing myself, I get the soft serve and then I accidentally slip into the showroom and then slip on a chugging bag. Wrong turn. First wrong turn. Only Marketplace. And again, also pace yourself in the marketplace because you're gonna start in kitchen and you're gonna be very excited in kitchen.

There's a lot to see, there's a lot to touch. There's plates, there's pots, there's pans, there's non-stick, there's little avocado scoopers, there's everything. And you can easily front load too hard. But I need to save strength for the way back. I'm talking the plants. Don't sleep on the IKEA plants.

I'm talking the frames. I'm talking the plants. Don't sleep on the IKEA plants. I'm talking the frames. I'm talking the candles. Little bit of a controversial opinion. I like an IKEA candle. I'm not saying they're all my candles, but I like to keep them in the mix. High low, high low. And you know what?

Their art isn't that terrible. Not terrible. Not terrible. Not amazing. Not amazing. I haven't bought one ever, but I take a gander. I have a look.

Keep an open mind. Yeah. That's what it's all about. So that's pretty much it. I think if you're stuck in the showroom, you could delude yourself to think that you can buy stuff to match it, and it's never worked that way.

It's never gonna look like that. It's never gonna look like that. Oh, oh my God. Yes, so when I'm in there, I'm like, oh, this looks so good. I could have this in my house, and then I buy one thing, and everything looks bad now. Correct. Everything looks, oh, this looks so good. I could have this in my house. And then I buy one thing and everything looks bad now. Correct.

Everything looks bad. It never looks as good at the showroom. Oh, also Tupperware at IKEA. Glass Tupperware. Huge. Huge. I saw that on your sub stack. That blew me away.

Ziplocs. That's right. I buy my Ziplocs at IKEA. I'm insane. Really? I'm crazy. You're sick. You're nasty. I'm nasty. I're sick. You're nasty.

I'm nasty. I'm sick. I'm a nasty girl. Anyway, how long has this been? So we're out of time. Next question. How often would you say you're going to IKEA? Be honest. More than I'd like to say. I'm also keeping a really healthy return schedule at IKEA. Also while we're talking about a very generous return policy, almost too generous, I've taken

advantage of it many times. I've returned used pillows. Are you on a list? Oh, used pillows. Wow. You know what I'm getting there this weekend and I'm using it as an opportunity to just get my steps in, which I think is a good idea. Yes, your 10K,. Instant 10K steps.

Instantly, Esther. Okay, that's like you live in New York City for the day because you're just walking, you're getting your shit done. Don't take any of the shortcuts. Shortcut to kitchen, don't do that. Take, follow the path. Now, I'll say this as a new mom, free childcare at IKEA.

I don't really do that anymore, do they actually? I saw, I saw. Would I use it? Not. I'd hope not, they do that anymore. Do they actually? I saw, I saw. Would I use it? Not. I'd hope not, yeah. But you could. Yeah. Oh, another mistake that one can make at an IKEA.

I personally will not set foot in IKEA on a weekend. Weeknights only. I will not set foot in on a Saturday. I will not set foot on a Sunday. Weeknights, six to nine. Empty. The whole place is yours. I was there midday on a Tuesday. How was that? Very good. Love that. Very very good. Love that. Positive experience, was happy about it. I bought nothing. Sometimes you don't have to.

Except now I'm going back specifically for a coat rack. It's a yellow one. Little ballet. Yes. It's like a little curve. Yes. Love yellow one. The ballet. Yes. It's like a little curve. Yes. Love that piece. I would argue you're too familiar with the pieces at Ikea. You don't need to argue it.

I think we're all in the same page about that. I am so deep in. Sometimes I'm like looking up old Ikea items. There's like cult items that are on eBay that they don't sell anymore. Oh God, you're in deep, baby. It's sick, baby. It's sick.

Another very quick Ikea hack, and I swear I'll move on. If you have a specific IKEA furniture piece that you want, Facebook Marketplace, already assembled usually and like a third of the price, that's right, IKEA's too expensive for me. I'm finding ways to save on IKEA, I'm sick, like really sick. Nasty woman. Really gross. Facebook Marketplace really is the place to be though. Oh, it'm sick, like really sick. Nasty woman. Really crass.

Facebook Marketplace really is the place to be though. Oh, it's the only place to be. I'm missing out. What's like the best things you guys have ever gotten on Facebook Marketplace? Everything. You have to reframe that question. What isn't the best things I can get on Facebook Marketplace?

Do you see what I'm saying? Okay, I do say follow. Is it, is that cup from Facebook Marketplace? Something that would go in my mouth, I don't think I would get on Facebook Marketplace. Rugs, used Ikea furniture, all furniture, vintage furniture. Would you buy a used mattress? I've thought about that.

I would, I haven't had to, but I would. Let me give you the ad. Helix King Lux, only used for six months on a vacation home has had a mattress protector. 100%. I'd eat off it. Are you selling it or are you buying it? I'll take it. I'll take it. I have no room for it but I'll take it. Facebook Workplace is amazing. I see crazy shit on there. People sell fruit like from their fruit trees. Yes, no. Oh my God. I'm in this fruit rabbit hole too. Avocados, I'm picking them up this weekend. I've got the entire plant. Yeah, from Facebook, the whole plant.

A cottage farming co-op happening on Facebook. I think you're missing out. How does it work? Do you want an avocado tree? Yes. I'll get you one. How? It's free.

We just have to dig it out ourselves, but that's where I'm headed this weekend. Wait, can I come with and get one? Yeah. But we need Aloha's truck because we need to dig out the tree ourselves. Wait, you're digging out a tree, you guys are sharing the tree?

So they're shutting down this avocado farm. No! I swear. No. I swear. And then I want one of the avocado trees. I want one. Where are we going?

Can I come? It's a little far, but yeah, you can come. It's a little far. How far? If this turns into like we're burying a body, I just want you to know that I'm 100% fine with that as long as I get an avocado tree. Okay, okay. I'll send you both a link. I'm a little nervous about this. Who's gonna dig the hole in your yard to put the tree in? That is true, Esther. I'm afraid that you're not... I just make sure that afraid that you're not... You're afraid that it's

going to be you. I'll do it. I can't sell shovels. But she keeps it in a pot for like all the years. The roots need room. Yeah they do. Why are you guys assuming that I can't transport an avocado tree randomly on the spur of the moment? It's not transport. It's to, you know, where, can you envision where in your backyard it's going? That's my next question. I'll ask someone the nearest adult, Dave? The neighbors? So you're saying I should text Dave about this first?

I think Dave should be looped in at the very least. Because we have an avocado tree and it's struggling. And don't judge me like, oh, that's my problem. I shouldn't get another one. This one came bad. Okay. So- I've actually never seen an's my problem. I shouldn't get another one. This one came bad, okay? So- I've actually never seen an avocado tree thriving.

I have. I have. And it is unbelievable. Okay, well you have probably richer friends than I do, but I always see like squirrels coming and taking bites. You just hit on a really sensitive subject. Oh my God, she's triggered. We have to shut down and close the lights,

turn the lights off, lock the doors. I need to talk about something. This is really fucking serious. You know who I used to like? Squirrels. I thought they were cute. Bushy tails, cute little faces, sweet energy. You know who I hate now after moving into a home with fruit trees?

Fucking disgusting, evil squirrels. They're nasty, sick, greedy pigs. Do you want to hear what the squirrels do to my beautiful fruit? Here's a little story. I have a peach tree. Isn't that nice? A pretty, pretty peach tree. And oh, moving into this house. And what do I see? Beautiful little peaches on the peach tree. Oh, how nice, like how symbolic. This new time in my life, these beautiful peaches. You're just a beautiful girl. I'm a beautiful girl, my beautiful, well I'm an average looking girl with beautiful peaches. And oh who found them? Squirrels. And you know what the squirrels do to the peaches? Do they eat the whole peach and enjoy it? At the very least no. They're not even

ripe. The squirrels pick it off the tree, have one bite and go, not for me, and enjoy it? At the very least, no. They're not even ripe. The squirrels pick it off the tree, have one bite, and go, not for me, and throw it on the floor. Okay, I have to tell you something I've been keeping secret from you. Oh, if it was you. It was me. Oh, you bitch. You fucking whore. You fucking whore. I knew it was you. I hate squirrels and I've been now deep in on squirrels. Just on your peach tree?

I'm so happy you asked, no. Also on my beautiful pomegranate tree. The pomegranates started coming in the summer and they're not gonna be ready till fall and the squirrels have eaten all the unripe pomegranates and they do the same thing. They take one bite and they throw it on the floor. How do you abate squirrels?

Cause that sounds. So at first I try to do nonviolent methods. I do ultimately believe in non-protesting peaceful protest, nonviolence, pleading. And after much research... Writing a letter. And I got a lawyer involved. My local congressman is involved. I started with some really easy, gentle methods.

And I landed on, they're basically these little, they're almost like little gift sacks that if you went to a jewelry store and you got a piece of jewelry and it like kind of cinches at the top, like a mesh gift sack. So everyone was like, these really work. You wrap each piece of fruit,

it's fucking humiliating. It's fucking humiliating in a gift bag and it stops the squirrels from eating them. So I had bought a ladder on Facebook Marketplace and I have pictures. It's so embarrassing. I got up in the ladder and wrapped each pomegranate in a gift bag. And I was like, okay, that was easy. Gentle, safe.

You know, I'm like the squirrels, we don't see eye to eye, but hopefully this kind of sends a message. Right. And I just have a peaceful And it honestly was like I attracted more more attention to the pomegranates, the squirrels. But they like got more aggressive. It was like I wrapped them up in little bags for them. And I watched, I watched, there were gifts. I watched squirrels. I saw a squirrel like go up to the pomegranate, use, they have thumbs. Open, I saw them open the bags

and do the same thing, one bite and on the floor. Like it's Christmas. Like I was squirrel Christmas for them. They're like, thanks babe. I just have to say the gift bag method feels, not only did it not work, that is a moot point. A lot of time to go fruit by fruit. What about like gates around the tree?

So I had looked into what's called a full tree wrap. Yeah. But someone told me that squirrels can often get caught in them and die very violent and hard to watch deaths, which now I don't care about. I can't wait to see. They're not playing fair, you shouldn't either. That's what I think.

Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to go zero to 100 and I am buying a gun. It's a BB gun, but I'm shooting to kill. I'm not shooting to scare. Is it a water gun? No, no, no. I wanna buying a gun. It's a BB gun, but I'm shooting to kill. I'm not shooting to scare. Is it a water gun? No, no, no. I wanna be very clear. It's gonna have little bullets in it.

I don't want, I don't want you to cut this up. I don't want this to be edited. I am buying a gun. A gun. A similar issue with my, with my tomatoes. They got all my tomatoes this year. Those little fuckers.

I know. And it's weird because for years I actually, my tomatoes were safe. So I don't know what word got passed around the neighborhood. They communicate. They do. I think they really do. They totally do. Yeah.

And even once, one, I also, we have a very small orange tree that the oranges taste like shit, so who cares? But the, um, there was once like, we came out in the morning and there were the oranges were on our, like a chair, this lounger we have. And it was as though a raccoon like did that thing where like bit, like two bites of each orange and then left them on the lounger. But had the nerve to do it like on our furniture. They're fucking sick, I'm telling you, they're sending a message. Yeah. It's very Godfather, it's like the horse head. You're right, we have to fight violence with violence.

And I'm telling you- That is true, this is why I shot my mom with a BB gun when I was younger. Okay, so what happened? Did you pierce the skin? I did, and it bore a hole through her jeans. Was there by any chance your mom a squirrel? Cause I will kill her, so.

We need to do some research on what happens. Someone lent me a BB gun and I didn't know how strong and powerful they were. And she had a bruise like deep in her ass for a long time. But I've never gotten my ass beat so hard. And part of me, part of the shooting her in the ass was retaliation. I was like, oh, it was a mistake.

I didn't mean to shoot you, but of course I did. She was like, you know, Cycle of violence. Yeah. And it came back like tenfold. So I would be very wary about the BB gun because I think they will come as a group and attack you. Oh, honestly. I like the squirrel rat king.

I would say if you had to shoot a couple, maybe the top of the town. That's sort of what I'm hoping. You've hit on a really great point. The communication system of the squirrels. If I shoot Maybe kill one or two of them. I feel like if you killed one watched it die you would immediately Fall apart. That's what I used to think I used to be weak. I used to be weak. I used to be sweet I used to be innocent and now I have such a taste for a squirrel blood. It's sick

I want to see them die and I want to string up its little squirrel body as a message to the rest of the squirrel community. Oh like handmaids. I love animals to be clear. I know you do. It's but I love fruit more. I love homegrown fruit more. I'm not I probably won't ever actually get the BB gun it's more like therapeutic for me to talk about it because they've really hurt me. Yeah no I do that's frustrating and I've seen that and it's, because for whatever reason, growing your own fruit is like, it's just the most beautiful concept.

It's empowering. It's free. It's free and it's free and it's free. I know. It's like, I don't know what to do. Someone told me to put out alternative food for the squirrels to distract them from the trees. I'm like, so what now it's a Vegas

buffet? So they have options of an appetizer? Warm up for the pomegranate? A server? Like, may I take your order? No! I'm so over these fucking squirrels. But anyway, yeah, so guns, safety and stuff. Talk to your local congressman. So what do we have in front of us? Because I'm, my mouth is... This one came with a note. Okay. A little love note from our team. So in a previous episode, I talked about the best croissants I've ever had.

And it's from Carr in Pasadena. How have I never heard of this place? Because you had to wait for it to hear it from me. That note's like long. They love you. Oh, so sweet. Yeah. Because you had to wait for it to hear it for me. I know it's like long That was sweet. Yeah, but anyways, they want to have that freshly baked taste. They want us to get it to me now Okay, here we go. Caroline can't have any. She's allergic. So you guys had a go? You guys had a conversation about croissants? Okay, so here specifically the the chocolate croissant Uh-huh. I think that car, because they have artisanal chocolate there.

Don't you dare. I'm your guest. Who raised you? You know who. I know who. I know who. It's true. It's really bad.

Wait, okay, what do we have here? I think we should start with this. And I think that we should just try the quality of the chocolate. No, no, no. You guys go first. No, no, no, I have this a lot. No, no, Esther first, Esther first. Did they say which ones we got? I think we have an almond one.

Their almond's really great. That looks like a blueberry. How do we do this? Okay, there's really no civilized way though. No, there isn't. Who cares? No, you have to just cut into it. Croissants are really hard to cut.

Do you think that it's the chocolate or do you buy into the whole... Which one of you? You guys are more like like moms even though I'm the real mom. No, no, no. Dig in. No, I want... I want someone to cut it for me. Oh no, oh no. She's short-circuited. Someone's free water on her. Okay, I don't have to cut. We can just claw. I think the point is to claw into it. Okay, keep in mind that, you you know this has been sitting for a while but just imagine it fully fresh because that's how I usually eat it when

I go there. I'm this is oh it's really good. I know it's bad, I shouldn't have it. This reminds me of one of my favorite, most sensual food scenes in cinema, where Meryl Streep, it's in It's Complicated, the Nancy Meyers movie, and Meryl Streep brings Steve Martin to her bakery after hours and makes him chocolate croissants. Esther, and you're Steve Martin,

and I'm Meryl Streep and Collin is Nancy Meyer. Okay, so I heard that there were some baked goods on the podcast. I didn't really have a lot of information to go off. What is this? You brought this. They're from Mochi Nut. Have you heard of Mochi Nut?

I've never tried it. Have you had it? Mochi Donuts are my favorite. What's the flavors? Okay, their flavors are kind of crazy, but I'm gonna go clockwise from the upper left. Are you ready? No.

Okay, well I have orange. Original. Okay, original. Matcha. I think that we're gonna have to come back to that one. I think it's churro. Blueberry, ube, and papaya. And I want the papaya.

Does the ube have- Fruity pebbles on it. Fruity pebbles. Yeah, it does. Kaila, can you explain, I think you might know better, what is a mochi donut? What makes it special? It's just the consistency is different, right?

Cause it's not, it has mochi flour. It's chewy. Yeah, it's chewy. Okay, I'm excited. Thank you. Thank you. Does anyone else want to buy the papaya? Would you guys want to try some of this, please?

Okay, I'm having original cause I'm, you got to start with the basics before you can expand. That's right. That's like Picasso. You have to know the rules to break the rules. Yes. It's kind of violently different tonally than a chocolate croissant, but it's okay. What are we going to do?

You can just rip it with your hand. Oh, it's like funnel cake or something. It's so cute. You see the consistency is just like chewier. It's okay. What are we gonna do? Just rip it with your hand. Oh it's like funnel cake or something. You see the consistency is chewier? You just, Esther just tapped into a higher power. It's like I have that. You, beautiful mind. This is the original. Mmm it's good. The almond croissant is really good. When it comes to donuts, how can you do better than glazed original? You mean like original original, not mochi, not original?

No, any kind. I pretty much agree with you. But papaya though? The papaya is really good. I haven't had a papaya. You should try a little piece. Try bulb. It's really good.

Papaya is my favorite. I don't feel good. I'm going to be really sad. I don't feel good. I'm gonna be really sad. I don't feel good already. I have a mood disorder that comes out when I have sugar. I'm gonna be really mean to someone later. Who knows who it is? That's really good.

It's so good. Appiah's really good. That's really nice. Is this caramel apple? I think it might be, is it churro-y? No. Try it. Okay.

I don't remember what this one was. Well, it's caramel apple. And the thing I like about them is they look a little bit like anal beads. We're all thinking it. I have to say it. Kaila. Yes.

Make yourself useful. Break out those other. Come on, sugar tits. Get off your ass. Like odd-ass. Would you like to try the almond one next? What's in it? Esther's pupils are getting really small and it's kind of starting to scare me. Let me see. That one looks like ham and cheese. Yeah. And that's like a blueberry and Danish or something. Wow. I don't want to say I studied bakery in college but i did gain 30 pounds. esther knows her way around the dessert it's actually crazy. what's your all-time favorite

go-to dessert? dream dessert, death row. oh this is so hard. this is they're gonna make me short circuit because i feel like i i love so many but i i a soft soft spot for Asian desserts. So anything like mochi base I'm always gonna be very just like crazy about. Do you ever say the almond is better than the chocolate somehow? Sometimes yeah it depends where you're at mentally I think. It's full of like a marzipan-y type thing, right? Mm-hmm. So I think that's- I alternate between the chocolate and then the almond. Oh my god. It's like, fusses. Wait, what's your name?

Sir. We just kissed. Sir, which one were you planning for before? Do you like this one? I don't remember. I don't- cause I don't- I don't know. They're all really good. I know, this was possibly a mistake.

This might've just halted production. Yeah, 100%. I don't know what we were talking about. I don't know where we're going from here. At least we had a good 15 minutes of Ikea. Yeah. We front loaded with Ikea. No, no, we did the thing that you're not supposed

to do in Ikea. We front loaded and we didn't pace ourselves. Esther eating a pastry is like the way I have sex after a glass of wine. It's like, no inhibitions, I'm way looser, I'm fun. Oh, well, never. Never, I mean, especially not after wine. After a glass of wine, all the pretenses go away.

I love watching it. I like watching it. You're in your most confident too all the pretenses go away. I love watching it. I like watching it. You're in your most confident too. I need to go home. Oh, no you don't. You're eating it. I just got a call. I may have one more bite and it will resume.

Yeah. I'm really nervous. Does anyone have a memory of how much I had? We'll look at the tapes. Someone will. Destroy the tapes. Destroy the tapes. You really had a... Destroy the tapes. Destroy the tapes. You really had a lot, huh?

What do you mean? You okay, little girl? I don't remember that. Esther, what's your favorite dessert these days? Oh man, you know, I try. I do think if I'm being truly honest with myself. Please be honest. You guys, we're excited to show you an app called CalShe.

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Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H e l p dot com slash trash Tuesday. Chocolate covered caramel, like in any kind of style. How? Like, how do you beat that? How do you beat that chocolate chip cookie? How do you beat that? I'm really looking at the basics here, like original glazed donut. Anything simple.

I think we're expanding too far into multiple categories, crossing over all this stuff. Look, am I pointing fingers at someone who I saw recently eating a Coke flavored Oreo? Yeah, I am, I'm calling you out. Yeah, I did. Wait, this is a very Mormon thing. Mm, sort of, I think.

Cause I saw the Oreo flavored coke on secret Wives and Mormon wives. Oh It's soda culture because you talked about it now. I'm all in I know I know I'm on the cutting edge and now you work at IKEA work it right to the ground Don't no one cares about it anymore. No, you're in jail for killing squirrels. I didn't know you could go to jail for that but I'm gonna. I, no no no. So you know how Oreo always has crazy flavors? Oreo right now has a Coke flavored Oreo. They sell it at stores. It just came out and in conjunction

Coke has an Oreo flavored Coke. I love a good conjunction. That's the one I saw in tandem. They're kind of in conversation with each other. You know what I mean? Yeah, they're complimentary. Talk us through it. How were they? Which one's better? They're both fucking disgusting. They both hurt my body. The Coke, the Oreo flavored Coke is by far worse. It tastes, it tastes like an Oreo. You don't, I don't want my coke to taste like an Oreo. Do you know what I mean? I've never tasted liquid Oreo. It's very frosting heavy.

You've never blended an Oreo? No. Milkshake, but that's still chunky. I mean, like as a, you know, a true liquid. You've never purified an Oreo? No. Never put a bunch in your Brita filter. Just see what happens. Let it soak in your mouth a little bit. Like fruits?

Spa water. Oreo spa water, you don't do that. Hey! It actually sounds kind of good. However, the Coke flavored Oreo, I'm aware of how insane I sound right now, was kind of good. It sounds good. See, that's what I, that one sounds good. That one was good. And it has Pop Rocks in. Excuse me. It has Pop Rocks in the in the cookie. And I love a Pop Rock in something else. That's interesting. See, to me, what I think of is I go, OK, Coke flavored Oreo. Sure, it sounds crazy.

What do I think of cola flavored gummies? Thank you. They're amazing. I love cola flavored things. Yes, cola is a flavor, it's legitimate, and it needs to be added to the lexicon of dessert flavors. Ab and gold plated. Mark my word, I'm gonna be the woman to do it. And that's why I'm running. As soon as first day as cobbler speechwriter. None of this works. I totally agree. Cola flavor is so, so slept on. You guys remember bottle caps that?

Yes, they were dusty. They were so dusty. Why did that work so well? Chalky. They work. They were sort of an answer to sweet tarts in my mind. Do you know that my dad worked at Nestle for my whole childhood?

Have you ever talked about this? You absolutely kept that private from me for a good reason. He did. My dad worked at Nestle for my entire childhood and it makes me emotional to think about it to this day. The Nestle employee store was everything. Wait, they had an employee store? You've been keeping this from me, I see.

It was in Glendale. And it was in the basement, it was in the parking lot. And they could, friends and family could store? It was in Glendale. You've been keeping this from the AC? It was in Glendale. And it was in the basement. It was in the parking lot. And friends and family could come? That's right. And the prices, and this is pre-inflation. This is like pre-Obama. I mean-

Well, when I was a child, and when candy bars were on sale, it was four for a dollar. So I just want to say that that's a time that I remember. This was like that, but half the price. It was below wholesale. It was insane. And they had I'm not I'm not a really. Oh, why didn't you guys tell me there was frosting on me? It just got there. OK.

I was not as sure knows this. I'm a really big chocolate person, but I love candy and Wonka. The brand was owned by Nestle. And I just remember the wall of every Wonka product. Every flavor of Nerds you can imagine. Pre-Nerds ropes and pre-Nerds clusters. Every, the bottle caps, the sweet tarts, shockers. If anyone remembers shockers.

I was so, so, that wall was just so good. And then Nesquik was like a very big thing in our house. And every flavor. Your dad invented Nesquik, right a very big thing in our house. And every flavor. Your dad invented Nesquik, right? I wish. Oh, I wish. But he did work on the website. True story. So you can't find it. It does. The website does not exist anymore, but he worked on it.

And for every... Were you guys the kind of families that got gifts for your teachers? Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Do you know what I mean? Like if it was a favorite teacher, it was a favorite teacher. If. I think so. Do you know what I mean? If it was a favorite teacher. If it was a favorite teacher. If I was sucking up.

Well, the standard gift I would give friends, teachers, like everyone would get the same gift for me and it was a jar of powdered Nesquik, which in Restoration Act is like such a horrible gift and I would just roll out to birthday parties. Think of the time. Think of the time. At the time, what you were doing was right. In the 90s, anything went. Anything goes. So yeah, sweets, man.

I love candy. When I was a kid, one of the guys that my dad gambled with owned a candy store in Las Vegas, but it didn't do well, so it closed. So then I got a lot of the candy from the store that closed. It wasn't name brand. I'll tell you that. You got the Redline tax write-off candy? Yes, I did. I got the garbage candy.

The candy they used as a loss so they could pay less taxes. Yes. Wow. That's... So, you're not the only candy royalty in the table. I think you're wrong about gifting people Nesquik, was it? I think that's such a great gift. Really? Yeah, I've gifted straight up cans of spam.

Oh. And it's been very well received. So I don't think you're wrong about that. I think that like very basic like down home stuff or make great gifts. I mean sure some people make fun of me for it to this day but you know I gotta stand by. I was the kind of family that got you what cost us two dollars at the next employee store and that was your birthday gift. No. And that's okay. I do want to go back to this for a second because I think we see a lot in our culture of giving a crazy flavor to a cola but we're not seeing enough of it's giving cola as a flavor to different, let's see, a cola flavored donut.

I'm just saying I want to increase cola. It is like a normal, like go to the store, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, cola. One day. I'm still not that on board with cola flavor. Why is that? Have you ever had cola gummies? Cola gummies.

I have. I have and that's- It's not hitting. There's a tickle. There's a total tickle. It's not, yeah, maybe, maybe. Can you bring... It's not hidden. There's a tickle. There's a total tickle. Yeah, maybe, maybe. Can you bring some next time? Yeah.

I'd love to feel the tickle. But I've had cola things go wrong and I do want to speak to that if I may. Yes, we may have to edit it out profusely, but go ahead. Check my hit, check. You have to check with my lawyer. It's actually not allowed. Have you guys ever had cola flavored La Croix?

It's disgusting. That exists. It's very hard to find. I don't know that they make it anymore, but back in peak La Croix days in like the writers' rooms when La Croix was everything, I feel like in every writers' room I had, people would order the Coke La Croix wanting it to be good.

La Croix, whatever. It is so bad. It almost will ruin cola flavored things for you. I just can't imagine La Croix making anything. I think all La Croix is bad. I totally agree with that. Totally agree, but this one was especially bad. I did see your Spindrift fridge. I guess I have to fess up. I have a SPIN DRIFT branded fridge that they kind of sent to me. They kind of didn't though, do you guys know the real story? Yeah. When I worked at James Corden, I just basically, okay, I love SPIN DRIFT. I am a spinfluencer. I have been on SPIN DRIFT writing hard on social media for them since the early days.

Like I, I, I was there. I witnessed it. You're not lying. And when I was at James Corden, I remember like, they've just always have like sent me Spindrift for when I'm in writers rooms. They like want everyone to, you know, they're basically using me to get James Corden

to drink Spindrift. It's fine. But when I was in the, when I was in the James Corden writers room, they're like, we they like love James Gordon for some reason. We're gonna send you a fridge and we're gonna send you every flavor of Spindrift. They really wanted like James to like in their mind, I love Spindrift. But in their mind, I think they thought that we were just gonna like film a video with the Spindrift and like put it on the show. But I was just like, yeah

guys, whatever you want for sure, like James will love it. So they sent a whole ass fridge and it sat in the James Corden writer's room. It just became the food fridge. Like people had their old leftovers in it. I know it was gross, but then when the show wrapped, when it was basically canceled. I waited years.

I had been gone from the show for two years by that point. And my friend who still worked on the show, I was like, on the last day, when everything shuts down and you're literally cleaning out your desk, I need you to get me the Spindrift fridge. I don't care what it takes, I don't care if you have to go down a fucking service elevator, I will do anything for the fridge.

And shout out to who did that they know who they are what are I really the reasons you can't say their name we are in a protracted legal battle over the fridge and I cannot say his name but he got me the fridge and it now was in my house and it's my pride and joy it's my everything I love it more than Esther loves her baby I I believe that. I mean it looks great. It's clear front. It's really you. It's you. It's just you. That's a diss but I don't take it as one. I'm just honored. I mean I can't imagine that you know at least one of us has got to get a you know you didn't have to go through that length to get the fridge. No, I feel like they would never send it to me.

I think she did. I, yeah, I think so. Um, recently I came into a huge, I feel like you guys would really appreciate this kind of a similar spin, refrigeration situation, a family friend of a fan. Okay. A distant family friend. Like I didn't really know them that well. One of their family members passed away and they were like family friend, like I didn't really know them that well, one of their family

members passed away. And they were like, look, like, we don't really want to keep any of her stuff. She lives like around the corner from you. We know you just moved into a new house. Like, do you want to just come in and supermarket sweep? A dead woman's stuff. What's your dream come true? Keep going.

And it was sort of awkward and confusing, because at first I was like, sort of didn't want to step on any toes and you can't really like, there's nothing comfortable about that situation. But had she passed already or was she still actively dying? She was dead. Okay, good.

Because if you're going through her house and she's still somewhere dying in one of the rooms. No, I never met her. Oh, okay. I never saw a picture of her. That's best to keep her. I didn't private from you. I think the distance was healthy.

Yeah. So I kind of come in and I'm kind of like ginger. They're like, they're like, look, like anything you want. The house was like stocked. I know this is so bad. I see it now. It's awkward to talk about because like, it's not bad. This is great.

You're recycling. Totally. And you know, I respect the dead. You know I do. I do. I've seen you in a funeral. You gave a beautiful dance. You're not that respectful of the dead. I do respect that. I have a very, very positive relationship with the dead. I know you. Yeah, I think you like... Overly respectful.

A little too positive. Bordering into obsessive. Yeah, yeah. That is true. Yeah. But- Carry on? So at first I was like, I don't, I couldn't, I couldn't possibly, I'm so sorry for your loss,

but they're like, no, please, like, it's like a long story, but they like didn't live here, and they were like, we can't like take any of this stuff, like anything you want, and you haven't lived until you've supermarket sweeped in- A dead woman who you don't know's home against the family's wishes. And they were so, all I'm going to say is I got a full-on Pilates machine. You did not. There's a Pilates machine in my house and I got a ninja, an amazing ninja air fryer,

like a toaster oven. Was this woman young? Yeah. I don't know. It's the thing and I'll never know. Wait, is it like a true Pilates reformer? I have a Pilates reformer from a dead woman. If you end up dead, it's me. Of course, and I would want you to take it because that's how I got it. Yes. And that goes for everyone in this room.

When Esther dies, Kaila, I think you might be next in line. I think I'm next in line, yeah. So yeah, it was, it it was a I really came out. What else? Just the Ninja and the Reformer? There might have been some shoes. We weren't exactly the same shoe size but close enough. There are some clothes at the dry cleaners. Okay I I was very like, I couldn't possibly, but then like after a couple hours, I was like, I'll take this and that and this and that.

And the woman again, this is a distant family friend, she's so lovely, she was so nice. She's like, I don't want you to feel weird about this. Like it makes me so happy that you're taking some of this stuff. Like it's just gonna go in the trash if you don't take it. And she had all these really nice clothes. And at first I was like, I don't know, like I feel't take it. And she had all these really nice clothes.

And at first I was like, I don't know. Like, I feel kind of uncomfortable. And she was very encouraging in a way that became like hard to say no to. She was like, try on this dress, try on this dress. And did I get like 30 dresses from a dead woman that are currently at the dry cleaner? When I took them, the dry cleaner was like,

like the whole dry, I, you know when old clothes have kind of a smell, like I tripped all the time. So it's not weird to me the idea of wearing a know when old clothes have kind of a smell, I tripped all the time, so it's not weird to me the idea of wearing a dead woman's clothes at all. Sure, we're all doing it at all times. In fact, if you're not wearing a dead person's clothes, you're bad for the environment.

You're wasteful and you're an eco-terrorist. I'm not an eco-terrorist. So they kind of had a little bit of a, I think she might have been a hoarder, so there's a lot of stuff, and it kind of had a hoardery smell, but I was like, whatever, I'll just take it to the dry cleaner, it's fine. So I walk in the dry cleaner, and it was like, the music stopped, and there was a lot of stuff and it kind of had like a hoardery smell, but I was like whatever I'll take it to the dry cleaner. It's fine

So I like walk in the dry cleaner and it was like the music stopped There was a record scratch and everyone in the dry cleaner like whipped their head over I was like dropping off like just trying to be as normal as possible. They're like, where were these clothes? They knew I was like, oh Just I don't want to get into it with this dry cleaner. Obviously they're like Ethel and they're like have these been in a closet was dry cleaner, obviously. They're like, Ethyl? And they're like, have these been in a closet for a really long time? I was like, um, why?

And I get, they were like, they smell like closet and we probably can't get the smell out, but we'll try our best. What? You can't get the smell of closet out? Well then go out of business. You're not able to do anything. Well, you have to tell that to my dry cleaner in North Hollywood. But anyway so I've had

a pretty big two weeks. Wow wait this is incredible. I wish we would have gotten a text. Would you guys have come? Absolutely a hundred percent. And if you don't think that we're gonna make you cut the vloggies reformer in half. After today, you're mistaken. I also got the accessories for the reformer. Damn it. What a win. Congratulations. Yeah, so my crew is going pretty well.

Things are going pretty good. I haven't had sugar in about 12 minutes. I was feeling faint. Did you notice? Oh, wait, they gave us some of their in-house chocolate bars too. Kaila, give it to me! No, don't give it to her! Show me the... This is the same I think. Wild-eyed beast. Do you guys ever not eat the banana? Am I allowed to not eat it? You are allowed. What if we said no, you have to eat it?

I would do it. I would do anything for you. You love bananas and you love banana flavor. I love bananas and I love banana flavor. Wait, I got a Ninja Creamy. Have we talked about this? I have and I haven't used it yet. I use it every single night. Is that the ice cream maker? Wait, is the Ninja Creamy, be honest, is it from the dead woman?

No, sadly it was new and I love it less because it wasn't a dead woman's. I love the Ninja Creamy you make. Are you not art? Do you get them in your TikTok feed? My whole TikTok FYP is Ninja Creamy. No, but I did gift one. Gift my sister a Ninja Creamy for Christmas. I just have never tried it myself.

How's she doing by the way with the Ninja Creamy? With her constipation. Oh, my niece. That was her niece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She really took you guys' advice to heart. She went with a Metamucil. She ate matcha.

That was her only meal. Right. I gave her the more magnesium citrate. That's working out. So, and, and she heard you say fleet enema. Yeah. one time. So when she's on her fifth day of constipation, she does, she's just like, look, I have to unload.

And she uses the fleet suppository. The suppository. Yeah, that's really good. Those were, I just do one in the bathroom here. You did? You did? No, of course not.

I don't even know what you guys are doing. It's like a little piece of like gel or something. Yeah, but it works in like two minutes. Me squeezing it on the donut. Caroline, it's actually best I don't tell you. Let her do it. She knows what she's doing. When I was pregnant I was so constipated you put it up there and it just kind of like gets the juices flowing and your body's like oh I think it's I'm supposed to make poop now. But very quick turnaround. It's a two minutes. Yeah. It's it's not even you have to plan for it. It's really good to know. But I wouldn't use it as like an everyday thing. When she's on her fifth

day, she's desperate. She what do you do? Where would one buy them anywhere? Yeah. Amazon Target, any pharmacy, I think. That's you. Are you constipated? I've never been constipated in my life. I tend the other way. Yeah. As you may or may not know. Me too. As was mentioned in my writer. Yeah, I mean I eat a lot of fiber. Yeah, I'm definitely a... Not today you didn't? No, no I didn't. Wait a second. We're all gonna have problems tomorrow. I'll be working on the reformer later. So you tend to swing creamy. I swing a bit. I would say I swing a bit creamy. Me too. Yeah.

I'm a soft serve gal. Absolutely. I mean, I'm him two a days sometimes. What's crazy is that like I had my first like hard poop and what I think is like over seven years and this thing had like edges. And I'm sorry, but I really felt for you in that moment. All I could think about as it was coming out of me

It was poor Esther. This is her life. It's it's childbirth It's very difficult and I have been waiting for you for seven years Is it just like I it's not all what we eat. It's genetics and stuff, right? I guess you can't control that. She has hard little pellet poop Like Esther can't control that she has hard little pellet poops. That's not her fault. She shits rocks. Okay, she's looking clear. I've been doing okay, alright.

Toilet looks like a Minecraft game. I do okay for myself. Alright? Okay. Wait, are you guys familiar with the stool scale? Oh, like the pictures of her? The pictures, yeah. I am obsessed with that for some reason.

Like that's my Mona Lisa. Yeah, I mean you have to check. Does it float? Does it sink? Edges. Edges. Does it float? The S curve. Cracks.

The curve. The cracks. Color. Color is major guys. I know. Have you guys heard about the things? I took a talk about this last time I was here. I'm having deja vu where you like eat a color of some,

like a colored thing and then you see how long it takes for you to shit the color out. That's like another test you could do. Cause it's not just edges and cracks, it's speed. We have to be worried about speed. Yeah. Can I give you guys some homework? Okay. It relates to this.

I feel like I was TMI. I talked about dead people and poops. I've never. I think you're in the right place though. Yeah. This is the place to okay cool Wilson came on and was like can I tell you about my ball surgery? We're like, this is what you think of us and that's fine. Okay, perfect Have you guys had shirataki noodles like the front on Jack? Oh

Yes, zero calorie noodle. Yeah Yeah magic noodles. I'm still uncertain as to whether or not, you know, they're good for us. Because they're kind of just like very empty. They're not that nutritious. They're just for, I don't know, to fill up your needs for noodles. They're for inter-rexic girls, let's be honest. Yes, they are. But the speed at which they come out the other way as noodles, as noodles, is

quite extraordinary and I really want to know if it's just me or if it comes out as something else for you and you. But it came out as noodles for me. And what's you're chewing? I chew. Well you know you're on to something. I don't chew. I'm such a pig I like inhale food as Esther says you drink. Yeah, drink the food Yes. Okay. One time I heard about Food like fat fancy fat camp kind of thing where they force you every bite must be chewed 30 times and that's standard and sometimes I think about that when I'm drinking my food because I also don't like to chew certain

meals and 30 is a lot. Try it. That's I have too much TMJ for that. Yeah that would hurt my jaw. I can confirm. I can't do that. You know I'm at peace with your mastication. Sometimes you drink a meal and that's fine. Sometimes you go three days without shitting and that's fine. Like, let me be, you know? I don't need to be fixed. But the problem is, Esther, you go get a CT scan because of you're full of farts.

Okay, yeah, we're gonna- It's called gas, not farts. And it was one meal at the Hillstone. Oh! Yeah. And it was a meal at the Hillstone. Yeah. And it was a good meal, but I just didn't realize the damage that I did. And I did need to get a scan after. The Pranuvvo?

No, not the Pranuvvo.com slash Esther. There's farts in your lungs? Oh my God. There's farts from tip to toe. In my breast tissue. I'm seeing a little fart in your breast. There's gas bubbles. Oh my God. Oh, it's all farts. I'm seeing a little fart in your breast. Just gas bubbles. Oh my God.

Oh, it's all farts. Hair cysts. It's all farts. They're like, we've never seen anything like that. Wait, but that has happened to me though. When you've just- Wait, I lay in water, I float. Yeah.

A bomb, nothing touches the water. Everything's a sensory deprivation tank, Esther. The most baths, all because of the farts. But you've never held farts in so long that you feel it up your, like, flanks up here. And into, like, your upper ribs. Because I have. I remember working at Abercrombie folding clothes and I just, like, I can't fart in front of these people and I swear to you it, like, reached my armpits.

That's, it's really, I used to suck in farts a lot because it's so easy. You're just going about your day and a fart comes on and when you're at your Abercrombie or you're maybe in a five by six podcast studio, I don't know, I'm just footballing here. And you just, you can suck it in so easy. And it's like, once you discover that power,

with great power comes great responsibility, honestly. And I used to suck them in all the time. And recently I Googled, I was like, what happens when you suck in a fart? So I'm like, what? They come out your eyes? Yes, they go into your blood. Oh, I thought you could just burp yourself.

No, I don't think you burp it the other way. We have to Google this, but I'm pretty sure it poisons your blood. It's so upsetting. I've been sucking in farts for years. Not you bragging about how easy this is. Do you guys not suck in farts? I do.

I do, but I'm not gonna say it's like the easiest thing. Like you just- It's not fun. With casual freedom. I do find it kind of fun. And I'm sort of ashamed to admit that, but I also feel empowered saying it. It does say it isn't harmful. It's not recommended.

Okay. I did read it on a conspiracy theory website. No, I'm just kidding. So it's not recommended. No. Will you do a sub stack episode about holding a fire? I would love to. 8,000 words, immediately write it.

No typos. The body reabsorbs some of the gas and releases it through the lungs when you breathe. Gross. Burping farts. However, most of the gas will remain in your digestive system until you release it through a fart or a burp.

If you hold in too much gas for too long, it will eventually escape uncontrollably. Through your ears. You don't see anything about it going into your blood? Not one. Okay I'm really happy you fact-checked that because that was reckless. You count that as fact-checking? I'm so happy you guys have such a great fact-checking system here. You know I think it's true that women have microflatulence and men have macro. Oh no Esther's wielding the banana weapon. What happened? To be fair I don't see blood literally anymore. I did not hold in my farts. Oh no. Oh no. You too? Esther, please. Esther, put it down. Esther, it's not worth it. Please, Esther. Sucking in farts. Blood. I don't know where I saw this. Okay, I found farting blood.

I'm going to keep looking. I was going to say- When I come back, I'll give you guys the update on what I found. When you go out of town, can I come over for your Pilates reformer? I don't wanna use it when you're there. I don't want you to see. It's sitting in my garage. Wait, you could do it as like a Swimpley.

Oh my god. Do you know what Swimpley is? Oh, where you rent pools? Right, but then people can use your Pilates reformer in your neighborhood. $200 an hour. Can I make a reservation? I'll take every day. Isn't it amazing? I'm not, I wish I were you. I'm using hour. Can I make a reservation? I'll take every day. Isn't it amazing?

I'm not, I wish I were you. I'm using it like once or twice a week, but I just haven't figured out like, what am I, I kind of feel stupid on it. Yeah. Yeah, but you look stupid on it. Yes sir! How many croissants do you know?

But it don't! Bad girl. Bad girl. Oh my God, I've unraveled from the mochi doughnuts. I think I have too, a little bit. No, you guys were doing great. Really? You think I'm pretty? You said it.

The size, the chain, it's a bit violent, this downsizing for me emotionally. Like the studio. We're in a different studio today. We still have that studio. Oh, you guys just switch it up. We're just, things are good. We just do the college radio station set up when I'm here.

Yeah, just for you. It feels like we're hosting a college news show. A little bit, sure. Did you watch the game this weekend? It was good. Are you gonna go to the other big game this weekend? Yeah. Okay, cool. I'll see you there. Okay. The big game. Speaking of mochi nuts, I got a UTI this weekend.

The worst. Are you UTI girlies or? I was in college until I figured it out. I have figured it out, but I still have slips sometimes because you know why the only solution for me is peeing right after sex. It cannot be even like five minutes after sex. It has to be immediately. You need to find a guy that wants you to pee after sex. Of course guys. Can I also just say by the way I also learned that it's very partner dependent. There are people who will set your pH off or set you off into a UTI a lot more frequently than some. Well Cardi B did

post a video last week about vaginal health and she is basically a doctor to me. I love when she talks about like biology. What did she say? She was like you all think that you're getting these infections because of like XYZ, but it's because you're eating full meals and sucking, you're not brushing your teeth and sucking your boyfriend's dick and letting him put it in your vagina. And you're basically just getting like chicken chow mein

all over your vagina. I did hear her say this. And that's brilliant. I do think that did contribute to my UT. I had cooked, I had cooked quite an elaborate multi-course. Chow mein. Saving savory meal wasn't chow mein, but like afterwards me and my partner got amorous and it was the heat of the moment.

And you know, you don't think like, let's brush our teeth and wash our hands and use mouthwash. If you're having sex with me, you do. Oh, you dirty spunking whore. And the next thing I knew, like I did during it kind of feel like my vagina was feeling a little savory. Like I remember thinking like, that's not a good feeling. You could see the taste was coming up. You could taste it. A little bit. A little bit.

A little bit. I have taste buds down there. Like I just remember kind of thinking and like hearing Cardi B's words in my mind. And then the next thing I knew, I also didn't pee right after. I peed like 10 minutes after. It's too long. It's too long.

And I just, it's just such a bummer in the moment to like, because after the you know, oh, you all come and you're like all nuzzly and you just want to be like, now it's nice and like have a nice moment but it's so unsexy to be like, sorry, gotta go piss. And like, you know, I don't know. The guy's like, I just coughed up a green onion. The guy's like, I just coughed up a green onion. I don't know. But that is interesting because, I mean, technically they say the UTI like is from fecal. Yeah, fecal, right? Well, you don't know what I cooked. I know, I'm sorry.

This is so gross. No, no, no. Because this is interesting to me because I had a partner that for some reason I would get so many UTIs with constantly. I thought it was maybe a me issue or that I had a short urethra. I remember just once a month I would be in the bathroom floor because you have the urgency to pee, be on the cranberry stuff.

Then eventually we broke up and I was like, oh, I kind of like was deterred from wanting to have sex because I would get them so frequently. But then I'd never had one since him and it's been over 10 years, maybe 15 years even because I was in college. I haven't had a UTI since. So I was like, what was it about him? And I don't think like my sexual practices changed. There was something about him that really set it off for me.

He had a dreamy deck. What? Where was he dipping it into? His own asshole. But I do think some women are just more prone to that. I think so. I think when you have a short urethra, apparently is what they say. But yeah, I always thought that was really interesting.

I get them every partner. Really? My pussy does not discriminate. My pussy is very sensitive to any pH changes so like fabrics so that will throw me into like the weirdest stuff if it's not like cotton if it's anything but a cotton gusset it's over for me I love the word gusset by the way and I'm so happy used it's such an under utilized word yes we should increase our usage of gusset. More cola flavor. More

gusset. More people saying gusset. And that my friends is why you vote. Caroline and Kalyla and Esther into office as Kamala's speech writer. This country will go where it needs to go. That's what I say. You. It's a gun town. You want farts in your lungs? We'll protect you. Call us. You guys, thank you so much, Caroline. Are you talking on the banana phone? Are you talking to us?

Hold on, I'll call her right now. Don't big time us. Oh wait, wait, they passed? I feel like they don't wanna make the show. They're fired? Okay. I am fired? Okay. I am fired. I will clear all my desk. Thank you. You guys, thank you so much for listening.

Caroline? Yes? Where can we see more of you besides renting your Pilates reformer in your garage? So you can... I'll be sending out a doodle link to rent my Pilates reformer. So keep an eye on that. It'll be in everyone's inboxes. Okay, you can find me on Substack. Yes, where do we go? I really don't know. Link in your Instagram?

Yeah, I think the link's in my Instagram bio. It's like carolyngoldfarb.substack.com, something like that. It's so good. I read the one this week about protein. I actually, this is serious, need you guys to help me with the next post. I'm doing a post on Skims,

and I'm asking all my girlfriends what their favorite Skims products are. So will you guys contribute? Look, Skims pants right now. Easy, okay, done. So I lit her part. Skims shirt and bra. Okay, I might have to email you guys.

So sub stack, Instagram at Caroline underscore gold barb and yo, Sex Lives of College Girls premiering in November. Date TBD. Oh my God, congratulations. When is this episode coming out? Monday, Tuesday? Tuesday? Oh okay well you could have seen me last month doing something else but never mind. Catch her in Ikea! The return slide in Ikea returning used pillows. And yeah that's pretty much it. Oh my gosh and slugs I will be in Austin Texas at Cap City Comedy Club November 22nd and 23rd. You can get tickets at the link in my Instagram bio and link in description.

And that's it, right? We'll see you guys next week with a brand new episode. Yay!