Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Chris Fleming and The Spirit of Kermit ft. Caroline Goldfarb

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

Trash Tuesday LIVE! January 28th at the Comedy Store. Tickets on sale now! https://www.showclix.com/event/trash-tuesday-2026-january Head to/Go to/Check out https://www.squarespace.com/TRASHTUESDAY  to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code TRASHTUESDAY For the first time ever, Chris Fleming is in the HOUSE! We ALSO have the cutest bride-to-be you ever did see, Caroline Goldfarb! We cover EVERYTHING: SWAT teams, the Muppets, Marty Supreme, and Ashley Tisdale’s mom group. If you need us, we’ll be clubbing at Seafood City. BTS, BONUS CONTENT AND MORE! Only on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast     We love IQ Bar! Text TRASH to 64000 to get 20% off all IQBAR products, plus FREE shipping. Message and data rates may apply.  Shop my favorite bras and underwear at http://www.skims.com/trashtuesday   #skimspartner Start your new year on the right foot financially. Use code TRASHTUESDAY at www.monarch.com  for half off your first year. MORE CHRIS! https://chrisflemingfleming.com/  https://www.instagram.com/chrisflemingfleming  MORE CAROLINE! https://www.instagram.com/caroline_goldfarb  *Listen to Esther's New Solo Pod!* https://www.esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com *Visit Ebb Ocean Club & Holiday Shop* https://www.ebboceanclub.com/ for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products! FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday  MORE ESTHER:TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster   MORE KHALYLA:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/ Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A   PRODUCTION:Studio Ten42: https://www.instagram.com/studioten42/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Arielle Jade (Editor): https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ Elisa Hernandez Kohler: https://www.instagram.com/ellie.lianna/ Megan Clements:  https://www.instagram.com/egggymeg/ 

That's the creepy thing about the Muppets is these puppeteers do you don't know about this unless you see the behind the scenes. Oh, I'm obsessed. They're like in the sewer system. It's like a lot of men with very long ponytails that are in the most physically uncomfortable positions a human could ever be in. They're like, they're like up. They're really like. They're ripping like this. A full home birth.

January 28th, Esther. What? The comedy store. What? Our live show, Dum. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm going to be giving birth.

This was your idea. I know. And I said yes, too quickly. We've both betrayed ourselves. But it is going to be so fun and magical and special and like one of a kind special night. We're also doing exclusive merch at the event. So if you're in L.A., January 28th, Slugs, we cannot wait to see you at our live show. We have many exciting things planned, including all the people you see today.

And more. And more. And you guys, this is my only night out. This is my only, I've never been, I haven't been out in almost two years, right? Jules, it's true. It is true. Yeah, this will be my only night out this year. I am making an exception.

We'll see you guys. There you get tickets at the link below. We can't wait. Guys, we have a Patreon and we have new bonus episodes every week. That's where you get the good stuff. We'd love to see you there. Shop our favorite bras and underwear at skims.com slash try. Tuesday. My favorite is obviously the fits everybody thong. I also really love the cotton jersey

underwear. You can shop our favorite bras and underwear at skims.com and after you place your order, be sure to let them know that we sent to you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show on the drop down menu that follows. And if you are looking for the perfect gift for your valentine or for yourself, the skims Valentine's shop is now open. What do you think of Caroline's style? It's giving... You can roast me. No, no, no.

It's giving like a hot Midwest lesbian. Hot feels like you just put it in there to be nice. No, no, no, no. I just put it in Midwest. What was the nice part of that? You know what it is? It's the car heart. That's all I focused in on.

I didn't even look at the rest. It's the perky as being I've ever seen. How high up. It's a little high, yeah. I will say this right here, the gray and tan combo is like, my favorite. That is cool. I've never seen that before. The distressed ankles. You're breaking roundaries today. I did that myself. Just gnawing on it. One more thing though just saying like

living life walking through the city with vibrant bottoms is really like responsible. What does that mean? Oh like Vigram Five fingers? She's not slipping sliding on sleet. She's free soloing. Yeah. I hate to take you all to school right now. But Kaila and I, we got to teach you something. When you're buying a utility shoe, you want to look for something called the Vibrum Bottom. That's a name brand. You identified that even without seeing the bottom? Oh, yeah. They've been around since like the 1920s.

Well, they used to, it would be the fingers, right, on the shoes? The Vibum five things. Yes. Yes. But the grip. Big in the Fregan community. Big in the Fregan community, which is adjacent to the hot Midwest lesbian community. You look Fregan today.

Oh my God. He nailed it. I look like I just went dumpster diving. outside an anthropology. No, no, no. You look like a ferry, someone on a ferry. You do keep putting up tickets on boats that I look like I'm selling tickets on some sort of a water.

Or you're a passenger on the, a client on the ferry. I'd much rather be the guy in charge of the ferry. It looks like you can take the wind is what it is. Oh, no. Like an unforgiving climate, standing hands in pockets, looking at mountains. You guys, welcome to Trash Tuesday. Today we have a guest that we've been trying to get for years, decades, We welcome Chris Fleming, first time on the show.

And then we have... It's okay. Just say my name. You don't have to add any hype or pretend that it was hard to get me. Just say my name. We have literally my addiction in life. Caroline Goldfarb. Am I allowed to say what your job is, even though it doesn't like...

I almost spilled it. No, you can't actually say what I... I've got clarity on this recently. We have to say that. I'm working on an upcoming DreamWorks project. Okay. Which sounds fun, right? It would be anything.

But if you tap in, you know what it is. The audience. If you really look at her, you'll get it. Look into my face and my bone structure and you'll know. Clyla, I unfortunately have a bone to pick with you. Okay. So, Kyla hosts another podcast called Tiger Belly and I was watching it this week because I'm a fan. Which episode?

Marcello. Okay. Who is just the hottest, coolest, curious. I already know what bone you're going to pick. What? Oh, no. Is it, go ahead, go ahead. You walk in to the show and you look gorgeous.

Uh-huh. And you look great. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, she's so pretty. And within 30 seconds, you put on these hideous sunglasses. They're not hideous der Raybans. They're very cute. Did you want to hide your tails like poker? Yeah, the lights are bright.

I've been having headaches. And she's just so anti-me feeling better. No, it's just the sunglasses make you look. What? Nefarious? Like a drug dealer, just scary. A cartoon gangster. Who's that guy, The Matrix?

It's like... Keanu, hot Keanu? No, no, you mean... I don't think that's what she's talking about. Oh, the other... Oh, maybe I actually did... I don't know what I meant. There's so many characters.

Trinity. No, of course I haven't. Oh, no, the villain, one of the people who multiplies, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But why do you do it? I haven't been feeling good. The sunglasses,

protect. I've been having chronic migraines. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It took a dark turn. Yeah. I don't feel bad. Looks over everything. Would you have had the same bone to pick? With her. The guest wasn't hot. If the guest was like Susan Boyle, would you care? Yes. No, it's, this is not guest dependent.

Susan Boyle is hot. Okay. Susan Boyle is hot. Yeah. I'd like to circle back to that. Immediately. Someone very recently gave Susan Boyle her flowers. Timothy. Oh, Timothy. What did he do? I think it was in a manic episode, but he, like, I think he was really tired.

I'm sorry, that was a sex dream I had. I don't actually know who you were talking about. No, it was the Marty Supreme. Yeah, it was a Marty Supreme. Yeah. One of those things. One of those things. Yeah.

They're sending everyone the jackets. Yeah. But not us. Did you guys get a Marty Supreme jacket? Oh. They didn't even let me into the movie. No, I know. Just the regular movie.

They said. No, this is negative. Not this guy. This is negative advertising. It hurts. It hurts to be left out of something, even if you weren't ever really in the running. Who got the jackets? Susan Boyle.

Susan Boyle got one and a lot of athletes, right? Yeah, Susan Boyle and a bunch of athletes. But that's not giving someone their flowers. That's making fun of them. No. Yes, it is. No, it's like, oh, it's so random to pick you for my jacket. It's funny.

No. I don't think so. Really? I get to Timothy being really inspired by her performance. Yeah, I agree. Because I was really... You're wrong, bitch. We all just ganged them on your own.

First, you came for Kalila for her chronic illness. Yeah. I know. Don't forbid a girl have a migraine. I had a feeling that was going to end in chronic. I had a feeling. I had a feeling we were steering. Steering into chronic.

Yeah. Go ahead, Esther. Abelist. Let's call her that. You're abelist. I have pot to have autoimmune. I can feel migraines about to be brought up. I stand proud.

You guys cannot take me. down. Yes, we can and we are and we did. And also I have a rule on set today. Anyone who is caught looking directly at my belly is going home. I'm only looking at the midwife part. That's what I'm looking at. Yeah. You look like the woman that helps a trad wife like around the house today. You're giving trad wife assistant. Yeah, you're giving trad wife assistant. I have a dilemma to post for you guys. So this morning we got a call from Burbank PD. Uh-oh. BPD. D. P.D. said, hey to my partner, we have your social security card, your Hawaii driver's license, and basically your entire like wallet.

And we arrested this guy who had your stuff plus six other people stuff. And he was like, would you like to go ahead and, you know, prosecute? You know, we can speak on your behalf. You don't have to show up. And my instinct was like, nope, don't. Like, let's figure out who this guy is. Is it a survival thing? And they were like, oh, he's some South L.A. gangbanger.

And I was like, even more. I was like, I don't snitch. I don't, I don't snitch. Like, who is me? I don't. So where do you guys stand on this? Do we care or are you just immediately, like, prosecute? No, no, no.

I mean, we're going to have our identities stolen weekly. Oh, my God. Let them do it. Let them take. I'm stealing all your identities as we speak. You look like you are. Midwest High. What it is is when I caught the manicure in that outfit,

That's when I go, oh, is this a disguise? That's what I said, okay. Under this, I'm extremely stylish and very sexual. Tassels. You have noticed there's tassels. I'm spinning one move with the tassel. Here's where my mind went with your legal troubles. How do you know the call from BPD isn't a scam?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, they gave detective names. We called a number back. It wasn't like a quick pickup and, you know, I'm, yeah. That solves that. But that's a great question. Great question, though. Can move on.

Burbank Police Department is the same initials as borderline personality disorder. That's what I was thinking. That's also confusing. Honestly, for, yeah. That's also something to think about. Something to definitely think about. Yeah. I think your instinct is right.

Snitches get stitches. Yep. Let it happen. How did his stuff get stolen? Yeah. We were at Tacos Alvinato. It was a summer I was very pregnant. I think we were acting a little bit sloppy.

And we got home and you were like, oh, we don't have it. We looked everywhere. It was gone. They had a lot of cash there, so they took the cash. But none of his other stuff was used. So I'm just like, how big of a crook is this guy? You're saying you had social security cards out? Social security card.

At the taco place? Birth certificates. Dipping it in the salsa. I know, I asked him, I was like, why are you carrying around your social security card? I'm really hung up on that. Yeah, I know. Me too. Isn't the rule that you're not, you're supposed to keep your social security card in a safe

deposit box? No, just in your mind. Mine's gone. I haven't, I, my parents lost mine. You can get it replaced. I recently had to get a replacement. Why did you need it for? The physical thing. What do we even need a social security card for? I think witness protect. Are you doing witness? No, I'm not. You know we can't discuss that here. That's right. That's how we know each other. I don't know why I needed it. But you do need it occasionally. You guys acting like you're never going to need it is weird. You need a number. Of course. You always need the number. Yeah, I'm not saying. You need the car. I haven't been able to get a car copy in 15 years.

Guys, I have to call my mommy to ask. I don't know. People have been like you need it and then I somehow, I feel like in the same way that you need the real idea to get through. Have you, you know, they're like, they just kind of, they humiliate you a little bit. Oh, they've been bitching about that at the airport. They make you take your shoes off if you taste a pre-check.

They like have one little level of humiliation. They just punish you a little bit. Yeah. I did get mine, but I was like scolded by Kalila that I got it last year instead of like five years ago. Do you guys have it? Oh, I won't be getting it for at least, at least a couple of years. I can't, I cannot do it. Did I tell you, Esther, about my encounter with the SWAT team recently?

What? No. Three in the morning. This is like two months ago. This is super recently. There's cop knocking on my door. I'm alone in my house. And I look on my ring camera.

And it's three SWAT team people with automatic guns and night vision goggles. What? ma'am, we need to get into your backyard right now. What's the code to your backyard gate? They called you, ma'am. Yes. And it's all on camera. In my mind, I was like, yes, officer.

I was like, yeah, I was like, who are you guys? I thought I was really tough, but then listening back to it, I'm like, hmm. And my first thought was, is this a scam? Because you kind of hear about elderly women, which I spiritually consider myself a part of that community, being scammed by like fake cops and stuff. But night vision goggle, you can't just get those. Exactly what I thought. A technical gear is very expensive.

Exactly. I think it was the night vision automatic gun combo. Oh my God. With a helicopter above. There were helicopters, drones. So I was like, here's the code to the backyard. And I have a video of like 10 SWAT team members

running into my backyard with a German Shepherd. Oh, K-9. Yeah. K-9 unit? Running around. sniffing and I live next to this TikTok drug rental porn house that's just constantly having

shady characters rented and I guess these burglars that were just staying there and they did this huge SWAT team. No HoPD shout out North Hollywood. North Hollywood! Sorry, I just love saying North Hollywood is my vocal stem. It was really crazy and they did like a they did a whole swarm on the house next door and there were rubber bullets in my yard the next morning and

And they did a drone was like, and if there was a tank on the street, it was so crazy. And the next day I was like, was that normal? I was like, that happens sometimes when you live in a house. Because I'm a new house owner, new homeowner. And I'm like, maybe that's just the thing that happens. And everyone was like, no, no, that's really scary. I've never seen the SWAT team, no. Can you get compensation for being woken up at 3 a.m?

Like, that's not cool. Emotional distress. Yeah. A stipend. Yeah. Tax rebate. What was your adrenaline like, adrenaline? First, I heard the door knock.

And when your door knocks at three in the morning, it's the scariest thing I think that can ever happen. Oh, yeah, it's not good. I can speak to that because that's what donut. I know it's donut and it's not SWAT team members, but it is so similar. My dog donut, she's seven pounds. She bangs on the door. And like, the way it wakes you up is like, like, it's so scary.

What type of dog? Yorkie poo. She's three pounds. That tiny is. She bangs the door. I love how she's comparing you. your swat. To a Yorkie?

No, I relate. This is crazy. To a toy breed knocking on the door? No, she is. If you earn it. She's truly three pounds. Like sometimes she's in my lap and I forget she's there. She's so small.

Do you sleep in the same? You can't because you'll crush, right? Well, you're really small. She's in bed. She's in bed. So when you're that small, you have to be thinking, you have to be so alert in case someone just even slightly rolls on you. You've got a bail, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's why small dogs are loud, right? They have to make themselves known. They have to be. They have to be. They have to be. Okay, so evidence supporting my suggesting. No, we're talking about being in bed and someone rolling on her.

I'm genuinely concerned and confused. How is she making that much sound? She's this big. How fast is she running against the door? It's because the way the door is, it's like all you have to do is go like this on it and it's like bang, bang, bang. Oh, so it's more the door frame that's making the sound, not her paws. Yes.

Slamming against the door. Now you're, yeah. Okay. Now we're communicating. Where that sound engineers do where they sleep with ear plugs in like psychopaths. New dads are doing that now. That's scary. Yeah.

Because then you don't hear anything. Yeah, you're gone. You're full sensory deprived. Yeah, that is so scary. Yeah, how do you know? Because, yeah, the smell, I guess. You have to use your sense of smell. Your smell would get so strong if you plugged your ears at night.

Try it. Yeah. Okay. That's okay, sure. I can't get any. That should only help my overall vibe having a super strong sense of smell. So you're having police department stuff. You're having SWAT team.

That's a lot of, that's a lot of police activity. That's what's up? That's the valley, baby. It is the valley. No ho. Yeah, no ho. It gets crazy down here in the valley. The valley is rough.

We're down here and I thought we were way up. We're like a mile below sea level right now. At least. at least. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website,

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You guys remember when Panera Bread killed two people? With the lemonade? With their lemonade? Of course, yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah. That was just reminded me on the way here. Think about it quite frequent.

And there was no apology. top of mind. There wasn't an apology and my sister was like, hey, remember that lady who couldn't have caffeine just ordered a lemonade and then they forgot to disclose 400 milligrams of caffeine? Right? They just kind of wrote on the dispenser like, this'll jazz you or something. Like, it should legally say how many milligrams of caffeine. You know what I find kind of frustrating too? Sometimes it's hard to know how many milligrams of caffeine are in something. Why are companies so like sketchy about being up front. It's like a mysterious science. Don't you even feel when you look at a nutrition label and it tells you how much like calories, protein, whatever, you're like, how do they really know?

I think caffeine is a vibe more than a measure. I think you only know after it's too late. Yes. Fides only. They test it on. I think they test like Celsius on horses pretty much exclusively because that stuff. I mean, one little sip of that. I'm making a small business. Dude, that shit gets you flying. Like I couldn't tell you how many milligrams. caffeine are in that, but it makes my pussy pop. It's so good. I miss, I had to stop drinking it. Caffeine in general?

No, I just had to cut down because you get so into that Celsius. I was popping a Celsius in the afternoon at like 3 p.m. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, that's the danger zone. My boba shop cut me off after four. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no more milk teas. You want to wander the property all night tonight, Chris?

No. Just to go back to Panera, I don't know if this is going to be controversial. I'm completely on the corporation side. Because if you have a caffeine sensitivity. If you have a caffeine sensitivity or a heart condition or you're pregnant or whatever it is that you know you shouldn't be drinking caffeine, if you're going to drink something that's called charged lemonade and presumably has lightning bolts on the label or some visual guy. A guy with a gun to his head. Yeah.

That's the image. That's the image. Yeah. Just a guy with like laser shooting out of his nipples. I will say to this as someone with a heart condition and who cannot drink caffeine or any kind of stimulant. Oh dear. I would just not expect a lemonade to have caffeine. Certainly not from Panera.

You know, it's like the combo of the idea of Panera and just the refreshing lemonade, my head doesn't go to, you know, fully charged. Caroline for the corporations. 100%. Well, I also thought there was one of the people that died is because they were like working at the cafe all day and they just kept getting refill after refill. Oh no. And like that somehow killed them.

I have those days. I truly have those days where I'm like if I keep in taking this sugar like this plane may crash. Yeah. Like I totally get that mindset. Yeah. And Panera, I don't even think released an apology. I think they kind of owned it.

I think they released a photo of their CEOs like whole cross in their arms. Well, come on, Chris. You're an adult legally. You know that issuing an apology would somehow make them liable and make them responsible for the death. Think like, come on, think like a company. You are so, you are so. Right. They can't apologize?

Think like Shane Gillis after SNL. That's right. Double down and get way more successful and play airport hangers or whatever. Until the SNL is literally begging you to come back on and begging you to play. Didn't Trump? Weren't they like begging him to come play Trump? Do you guys remember this? No.

Sorry, I'm like a little bit of an SNL gossip nerd. Kind of one of the coolest parts about me. I'm also really into the Muppets. But yeah. Oh my God. I'm so such a loser. That felt very speed dating how you just said that. They also am into the Muppets.

But do you feel like the way they keep doing the Muppets? Muppets feels like like kind of like re-injecting like a, oh my God, it's a spirit of the 70s. So funny. You just said that. I was just ate the microphone. Yeah. I'm really into like Muppets lore specifically. Mm-hmm.

The Muppet corporations really toxic work culture. Oh. What? How do you know about this? And the drama that really infects and infest the Muppet organization. Is Brian Henson messy? Brian Henson's not really involved with the Muppet organization anymore besides like an honorarium, you know, honorary.

He's respect. because he's a Henson. Yeah. But it's really about the performer who plays Kermit. It's mostly like Gonzo running it now? Okay. Yeah. Okay. Oh.

It's always the performer who plays Kermit sort of defines the culture. That's the tone. Thank you. Yes. There was this performer who played Kermit for many years named Steve Whitmire. I think he played it after Jim Henson. And he was so crazy and such a God in his own mind and was the only person who truly understood what Jim Henson wanted and who Kermit really was, that it's why pretty much the Muppet

sitcom on ABC was canceled. He would push back on like every story. He's like, Kermit would never say this. Oh my God. Kermit does not have sex and he does not use bad words. Like he's such a crazy person that he, after years and years got. Kermit retained seed. Yeah. Kermit's a no nutter. Yeah. No nut, no nut all year. Oh really? I didn't know this. I always thought Kermit was slightly horny. Well, he uses it. He retains it to use it. I see.

Prince did that. Yeah. Really? Supposedly. Yeah. And it worked out well for him. He was just addicted to painkillers. And yeah.

So the Kermit person had a god complex. I get that. I get it. This morning, Steve Whitmire released a like 10,000 word manifesto on his substack. Why were you the first to receive it? Someone, the Muppet community, we talk. I think it's important to know how early it is in the morning.

It's like what time is it? It's barely 10 a year. I have a job too. It's fucking sick. So you're just up all night refreshing the Steve Whitmire subset. I know he's going to speak. I feel a manifesto. He's been fired for over 15 years and he's going to speak one of these days.

Wait, did you read it? It was so long I couldn't even read it. I uploaded it into chat GPT for summary. And even the summary is like 500 words. Tell us what you got. We're talking like full manifesto. It's a manifesto. Like Chris Donor style.

No, it's like he's going to kill someone, maybe his parents. Yeah. Donor the cop? Yeah, the same burn, the guy who ended up in San Bernardino. He, like, invented the manifesto. Yeah, he, he, I think he was like Margaret Cho rocks on like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, it was like a full taste making thing. Like, it wasn't all, like, against the police.

It was also like, like, he was doing some influencing. He was like, get these pants. Right. Like, it was like a lot of, like, style racks, I think. That's where you who got your style. Yeah, right. Wait, what did Chris say? Right.

Do you guys know Chris? Wait, how do you guys know Chris? I don't. That was his name. Chris, what's his name? I think it was Christopher Dorner. I'm speaking to informally. I'm taking the tofer off.

Chrissy Dorner. He doesn't like when you take the tofer off, you'll say. I'll try to summarize, but in this essay, former Muppet performer Steve Whitmire argues that the Muppets have lost their soul and authenticity under Disney's corporate ownership. Under Jason Seagulls. Question, are you guys even into the Muppet's app? all. I watched Muppet Babies. I'm not not into it. If there's drama to be heard, you don't have

like Muppets, a mild case of Muppets autism. It's like a Jim Morrison reenactor. It's like, a guy. You're not into the Muppets either? No, no, I am. I thought you were. I absolutely am. But my grandma, you kind of roll your eyes a little bit. Yeah. My grandma loved Miss Piggie. It's like a tribute band. It's not the original band, which is actually a very key point in Steve Wepteyer's essay. Yes. Yes. I'll send it to you. I'll just send it to my fellow. I don't, we don't need to. But tell us anything about it. Yeah.

He believes that Disney treats characters like Kermit the Frog as roles to be portrayed by an actor as opposed to what he thinks it should be a direct extension of an artistic expression from a single dedicated performer because only a true performer who has the spirit of Kermit and really understands Kermit can, is the only person that can be trusted to play Kermit. I'm sorry. Is he wrong? Two things can be true. You can be completely batshit mother.

they're fucking crazy. Obviously. And you can be dead on right. Yes. Yes. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. The need to communicate sometimes is pretty psychotic, you know?

Yeah. Talking is embarrassing. I'll just say it. Releasing a statement is. No one asked for this. This was not. Even if it's a correct statement, it's like, okay. No, it's, you know that he's been grappling with this.

And instead of being like, should I cut it down and like boil it down to the main He's just kept going longer. It seems like he's about to occupy like a state building or something. No, he's going, I'm telling you he's going to kill someone with a gun. Did you guys know there's a difference between channeling versus copying? Ooh, I love that. Yeah. I love that.

Of course. Yes, the spirit running through you instead of just plagiarizing. The current performers are mere channelers and they're sort of akin to a tribute act, like a band imitating the Beatles. Whereas he is channeling. Which must be painful. That's not easy. The spirit of curing with the frog in you?

It's so brave of him to even admit. Must be agony. It must be fear. His personal life must be in shambles. I'm fully on this crazy man's side. Totally. So far, yes. I am too.

Completely. The new Muppet Show reboot, certainly we're all familiar with that. You guys do work and live in the industry. You guys don't know about the Seth Rogen Muppet Show reboot. That's coming out. Theirond is one of the... No. That's coming?

It's coming. They made a pilot, I guess. They made a pilot. Yeah. There's been trailers for it. Yeah. What do you guys do all day? You guys have like kids or something?

I don't get it. You guys are weird. Whatever. Yeah. He called it a tactic to use nostalgia to hide the true problems happening within the Muppet organization. Oh. Sabrina Carpenter is like a flashy object being thrown in our faces to distract us from how shitty the Muppets truly are. Makes you think.

Yeah. And this is. my favorite part and we'll leave it at this. Whitmire concludes that just because he's a green puppet doesn't mean he's actually Kermit because right now he's being treated as a puppet rather than what he is, which is a living soul with real history. I love that. Whitmire thinks that Kermit is real. Yeah. I love that. I mean, you have to think he's real to bring him to life. Yes. Yes. Let the record show that today, whatever day in time this is, we are team crazy man. Yeah. I am.

We are with you, crazy man. He's about to do something so bad in like a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Five minutes. Something so. Five minutes after we hit upload. It's going to be bad, but whatever.

First than you could ever imagine. Worse than murder somehow. But you guys do realize there has been a conversation like just circling the internet of the last like year or so where people say that the Kermit, Miss Piggy relationship dynamic is like sort of the only. like hetero couple dynamic that really works. I agree with that.

Oh my God. I see it and I agree with it. Yeah. I mean it's Findom. It's getting the bedroom, Kermit. Kind of on that same vein. It's like the ultimate man haters

always have the best boyfriends. Hmm. The ultimate man haters always. Like if you find, right. It's the girls who are always out there being men ain't shit, men ain't shit.

And then you look at their partner and they just have the best partner. Really? They're like tough bitches. Because their bar is so high. So it's like in order for you to even like be a part of my life, like you really have to hit all the marks type shit. I think you're giving them too much credit. And I think it's more that like, you know the book that I used to talk about all the time my 20s?

My favorite book. Why men love bitches. The only book that matters. It's truly like it will change your life. Can you give a couple points from it? I'm not familiar. It's just Caroline. I sure can.

The thesis of the book. is like if you want to get and keep a man, you need to treat him like absolute fucking shit. And he never knows where he stands with you. You never like, if he texts you, text back two days later. If he wants to set a date with you for Friday night and he texts you Wednesday, it's too late. You're not free. Yeah. Oh, you guys schedule like a month in advance.

Truly keeping a man basically at arms distance and confused constantly about how you actually feel. Yeah. I mean, okay. Like a ferret in a cage, you know. I would, I would give the example of like, don't be the girl who's the dormant who's like, let me make you dinner tonight. It's like, why would you do that for a guy? Like, he doesn't, he hasn't earned that. He doesn't deserve that.

I've never met anyone like that. I just think that if you do have that quote unquote bitch mentality, which it is like not the best word. It's a little outdated and it was written by a French woman. Yeah. Apparently a lot was lost in translation or something. This is true. It was probably about ecology or something. Yeah.

It's a really fascinating. Yeah. Scientific paper. But I feel like that is the secret more so like than anything is just like being a woman that's not like a dormat. And then you end up with a great partner. And Miss Piggy is the opposite of a dormant. She's a bitch. She's spinning them around her head.

She's throwing them out windows. She's high yawing. She's high. Yeah. She's glottness. She's doing karate on her man. She's doing karate. She's a pig.

Like she doesn't care about what she lets, she lets it all hang out. She's not hiding anything. Yeah. Question, should we all write a dating book called How to Date Like Miss Piggy? Yes. She's almost waging a coup on Kermit. I don't even know if it's a consensual relationship. No, it's hostile.

Yeah, she's taken over Kermit. Yeah, I sort of disagree with this idea that their relationship works. It's quite abusive. But I think that's the terrifying thing. And you see this with Baby Boomer couples that have lasted a long time. Like sometimes like one person kind of calls the fucking shots. And it's usually the woman. You would hope so.

And when it's a man, it's like a scary situation. And she has to leave. It's a documentary. Yeah. Before Skims, underwear was really an afterthought for me. Like I just didn't really care. I didn't know that it could be something that would make me feel so good about myself. But now that I've discovered Skim.

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It is what it is. You can shop our favorite bras and underwear at skims.com. And after you place your order, be sure to let them know that we sent to you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop-down menu that follows. And if you are looking for the perfect gift for your Valentine or for yourself, the Skims Valentine's shop is now open. I am going to spend hours on that tonight. This episode is brought to you by IQ Bar or exclusive.

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I feel like you used any Miss Piggy or why men love bitches tactics to recently, by the way, get engaged and you're getting married soon. It's so funny and I'm hating how much we're talking about the Muppets, but I have to say this. I did buy our cake topper for the wedding. We're doing a fast wedding. It's less than a month. Is that the way you let us know that we're not invited? You know what? It's a fast.

You guys are going to slow me down. Can you play the marimba? Because if so, you can join the band. I have a friend who does. It made me crying in high school by how beautifully he played it. To be moved by a xylophone to tears? I was in a rough spot. Yeah.

You weren't doing one. Wait, before you continue, I forgot that I have a really big bone to pick with you, which is that you are having your wedding a week before one of your closest, most important friends is due. to give birth. Your due date's on... Oh, Caroline. I thought your due date was... Oh, don't pretend.

Honestly, I didn't know what your due date was. I was going to pretend. She's trying to start like a whole theme. A lie. I, that's weird. When I talked to your doctor, I thought that she said it was in April. So I'm going to look very bad. But that's my gift to you. Sorry, just to finish.

Yeah, no, no, I want to know. I got a cake topper and it's Kerman and Miss Peggy. It can circle back. Oh. It was on Etsy, and it was on Etsy. over $200. Just if you're curious what the bootleg Muppet cake topper industry is...

What I'm hearing is fanatic. Muppet fanatic. It's sounding like that. 8 a.m. substack. I know. I hate how much I'm talking about the Muppets. No, no, no. They're incredible.

Like, I... I know the giant one? Sweetums? Yes. Yes. Yes, I do. I know I'm about to get sick when I close my eyes and I see Sweden.

That's a really bad sign in the mental health community. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got to take some of that. cider vinegar when I see some silver. Because how did they get him? How did they make him so big? Or is he just big and compared? He's just a guy maybe and they're all tiny because they're all. Is this like a question about how puppets are constructed or like like a deep question about like life itself? I think

I'm finally seeing you for the first time. Like your question was so deep that I can't even answer it. Like how do we get big? I'm like I see planets fly by numbers. I'm like I you see Reagan. Yeah, no, I just meant like, why is he so big, he towers over the others. And I think it's because, because aren't, that's a creepy thing about the Muppets is these puppeteers do you don't know about this unless you see the behind the scenes. Oh, I'm obsessed. They're like in the sewer system. Oh. Because they make the ground lower so they can get down so Kermit can be out of the other.

Right. So Brian Henson is always like at the core of the earth. And Jim, like, Frank Oz is probably inhaled more coal. It's like a lot of men with very long ponytails that are in the most physically uncomfortable positions, a human, a human, it ever be in. They're like, they're like, they're really like. They're rifting like this. And they have to hold. A home birth mode. Full home upside down home birth and space. And they're riffing. They have to hold their arm. Have you ever held your arm up for one minute? It hurts. My friend Kristen had to play Charlotte in Charlotte's Webb when we were in middle school.

And she had to go through basically Navy SEAL training. What she had to do was astounded. I can't even do that, what I just did right now. No, it hurts to just do this for 30 seconds. Muppet trainers and your friend who played Charlotte. Muppet wait, but they have to hold their arms up for like hours. Hours. So I don't want to hear you complain about going to my wedding a week before you have to give birth when they're a Muppet performers have to hold their arms up. Are you thinking about potentially giving birth? At her wedding? Because that's like the classic getting engaged to someone's wedding. That would be Esther's like raised. That would be my dream. To steal my attention and my thunder by giving birth on the dance floor.

Esther, the reels you would get out of that? I was waiting my whole life for that opportunity. The stand-up that would yield for you? I know. You might even have a name for your special. Wait, fuck. What? Meyers already stole this whole concept kind of.

That's okay. Giving birth at a wedding? Well, giving birth in a lobby. Doesn't you have a special called Lobby Baby? It's different. Yours will be different. It's fine. My baby is never going to come early.

I could never be so lucky. Is there a way to induce labor? Like, could you like smell like a watermelon or something. There are so many like myths and urban legends like get this one salad, drink this oil, do this exercise. Watch Roseanne. Yeah, I think it's all fake.

Yeah. Read Steve Whitmire's manifesto. It's like, oh, shit. Esther, do you think a live band playing September by Earthwind and Fire might do some back? Is that going to help me? Chris with a marimba solo? The question is, where is September going?

to be played because that is a good way to get. If you want everyone on the dance floor, that's how you get. We've been talking a lot about our get people on the dance floor song. I think September in all seriousness is corny and I have a huge ick. Weddings are corny. Let's just establish that wedding. They're fun and

embarrassing. Everyone loves going to weddings. They're fun, but they're corny, but I have a huge ick for like really obvious, embarrassing, overplayed corny wedding songs. Like, celebration by Cool and the Gang makes me fucking... I know what you Angry.

Celebrate good times. Come on. Like that kind of stuff for like the black eyed peace song. Happy by Ferrell is rough. That is absolute. No. But I think our get everyone on the dance floor song.

Pussy Palace? Yes. Just the chorus on a loop. We're still working on it. But any suggestions will be welcome. I was going to say it, but then I got embarrassed that it actually might be corny. What do you think?

Maybe we are family by Sister Sledge. It's cool. It's corny, but we are family. It's not quite get me on the dance floor. That's good to know. It's helpful. I would actually say, I'm going to set this one out. Yeah, I would set that one out too.

Let me leave the building. This is a really good question. It's all about timeliness with these things. You don't want to go classic. You want to go like, what's the song of this? This is the worst feedback you can give me because we're only doing like, I don't know if we're playing any songs that came out after 1995. Oh, okay.

Oh, wow. I was going to say it's the 95 to 2000 that's really. really gonna maybe, unfortunately. Oh, no. So you're doing genuine? My girls getting so dry. You're not playing any lady. Lady Gaga, your wedding?

I don't think so currently. What you're saying before, pre-95 or post-95? It's all pre-95. Got it. Fuck. Oh. I mean, you guys don't like that.

I'm trying to think, I'm really trying to dig deep. Late night, we're doing. Don't stop believing. We're only don't stop believing. Late night, we're doing modern. We're doing more modern songs. We're bringing it into the late 90s. I thought classic was good because classic is good.

Classic is good. A wedding is mostly old people. A wedding ultimately you think it's really they dominate the energy. Thank you. And we're the kids table still. I think you. I'm trying to bring the olds to the flow. But why is that your focus?

Shut up. You don't know anything. Esther really wants Lady Gaga at the wedding. Yeah, what do you want? Okay, name a couple of songs. Are you gonna be dancing? Probably not. Yeah, that's a good question.

If they think, can you dance in a wheelchair? Like, I don't know. Yes, you can. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to put a hammock for you on the dance floor and Dave can kind of push you to the beat? You're gonna be in a wheelchair? I was thinking maybe like a Prince song.

Oh, Prince is good. See, that, thank you. Prince is on the playlist. Okay, good. That would get me on the dance floor. I think a lot of generations still are. We're also thinking covers, remember. This is not the actual.

So you're not going to have the bass. You're not going to feel the bass. bass. Right. That's true. Remember, this is a live band. A prince cover can be tough. Yeah. Yeah. A prince cover can be the kiss of death. Because this lady's on her phone reading the lyrics. Yeah, that's true. What about a live band doing like a less good version of crazy and love? That would be fun. Uh-huh. That's a great one. That's a great one. That is good. I think with a live band, the more modern, the more exciting it would be actually, because we don't hear it that much. It's so crazy how you guys are giving me the exact opposite advice of every choice I've made this far.

Like, oh. Just whatever you do, don't trust your instinct. No, do. Okay. And you're into our intuition. I'm sure what you're planning, it's going to be perfect because you're cool and you have good taste. So we're just basic and we don't know what we're saying.

Where is this happening? Should I say the name and date and time? It's happening in L.A. It's like a venue. It's like a wedding venue. It's a nice place. Yeah, the Chuck E. I think it's open.

I was able to get her in. Have you ever been to a seafood city? It's a Filipino supermarket. No. Absolutely. Now they turn Seafood City into basically like a nightclub. I know that a nightclub culture is dead, but not for Filipinos. And Seafood City, our grocery store turns into a nightclub with a full DJ.

And everyone is so hype and it's so fun. You're saying it's a grocery store during the day by night. It's a club. Whole Foods tried this with the bar and then I think it got shut down. Whole Foods can never Seafood City. Seafood City is on. on its own because the Filipinos never gave up the spirit of the nightclub. And we have basically birthed the new version that look at this.

That's seafood city? Shut up. That looks like it's outdoors. And it's like everyone is dancing and everyone is just full on energy. That looked awesome, that picture. But I was hoping to see men like whipping king crab legs around. Totally. Like it's kind of devoid of seafood theming.

Oh, I see. You want more seafood. You know what I mean? It's much brighter than I pictured. Yeah, they could turn the lights down a bit. I imagine the fried, the whole fried fish are still being fried. And I feel like it's something you can have as like, you know, post-party snacks. Yeah.

Because that's where you go Seafood City, right? You pick your seafood and then you can have them fried. Do you guys know about this? Because when you fry a fish in the home, which is something I'm sure you guys have this issue all the time. That's why I was late. Your morning fry. It makes your house smell crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. So I actually dated a guy who worked at a fried fish establishment. And it was a problem. He always smelled. Smells crazy. It's like the telltale heart. He did break up with me just to be clear. He broke up with me, the man who smelled like fried fish all the time.

Thank you for clarifying. But we weren't actually curious. We kind of knew. Sorry, continue. Did you bring it up in the breakup? Oh, and by the way? like I'm haunted by your smell I don't turn against people when they break up with me

you're kind of a guy in this way where it's like you know how men a lot of men don't break they're afraid to do the breaking up so they make your life hell so that you do it yes I have my question I've asked you this up I've asked you this before it's like if this

fish fry guy never left like and just stuck around like you've never been one to ever break up I would never have broken up with them it's too hard to make someone sad It's horrible. I don't turn away love. I would stay in it. You would still be together.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of the opposite of the entire lesson of why men love bitches. That's why I had to read the book and tell everyone I knew about it. Right, right, right. That's such like a skill to have. It's anxious attachment. Yeah.

That's your fear of abandon. Yeah, but also kind of like old school and like classic in a way. Yeah, it's very romantic. Thank you so much. I'm classic. Yeah, classic. Passive. It's like classic in that way that.

like women used to smoke while pregnant, you know? Just this sort of nostalgic passivity. That is classic. Wish for the days of your. The worst breakups are one you get dumped by the fish fry guy, by the people that you know you shouldn't be dating in the first place. Again, you keep saying it like I thought I was better than the fish pregnant. I just didn't like the smell and that was not enough.

That was not a deal of breakup for you at all. I wanted to stay with him. Okay. Thank you for clarifying. We can move on. Are you making you fish every day? Then I didn't eat any fish. And to this day, I don't eat any fried fish.

Why? Fried fish is just like a turn off to me. Why? Because that's frying the fish or even just the taste of them. You want to see the fish? I don't like fried fish. I don't know. The taste of it.

You're not. Have you tasted it? You got to be way more specific. Yeah, I need more. Don't you ever see a food and you're like, I'm not eating that. But in what form? The whole fish or like a fish stick? Anything that's fried fish, I don't want it.

I just want like a fresh piece of grilled fish or sushi. Like what a bear might eat. Yeah. But I like fries? Yeah. Fried fish is so fucking good. What if you imagine? Yeah, see, I don't, I would prefer fried fish

because I like to not have to think like the batter is the cushion for me. But it's this, I think the years of the smell, it's like, oh, that's a turn off and I'm not doing it. I love the smell of fried fish. No one loves that. Yeah, that's no one's fried.

When it's cooked in front of you. When you're cooking it, if it's days old, like still lingering in the air, I don't love. If it's in your car, If it's in a car, it's never good. What if you were, can I, can I posit a situation? This is for real.

Okay. Let's imagine you're in a Filipino supermarket. Yeah. It's like 9.30 p.m. Okay. Are people dancing yet? You're with your friends. Kalilipi's family.

Your family by Sister Sledge comes over the loud speaker. I'm twerking. Yeah, you're twerking. And Kalila comes over and hands you a delicious little piece of fried fish. That sounds good. Very flaky on the inside. It's still very hot on top of a little bit of rice. A little soy sauce and vinegar, a little bit of chili.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. I guess maybe. It sounds like you need a trusted adult to give you the fish. It sounds like you had the wrong fish supplier. Esther has like toddler. You have the affiliation with fried fish with this guy. I just don't understand why you guys are making such a big deal out of me not wanting fried fish. Honestly, I don't know why.

I don't know why either. I don't know. I think it's because you're ableist and I want to get back at you and make you suffer. What were you going to say about frying fish in the home? It smells crazy and it lingers for days. So that's why a lot of ethnic supermarkets, like super like seafood city and 99 ranch and stuff. Yeah. I love 99 ranch.

They have like full on maco sharks in the back. Like they have like the biggest. Let's go. I've ever seen the giant crabs. It is thrilling. And veggies are living the worst life any organism could ever live. It's like a pod hotel for them. You know?

Japanese businessman. Hotel kind of. Yeah. I don't know. Of each other. Yeah. Maybe it's like a thunder blanket. Maybe they like it.

To back Esther up about this, the sunglasses conversation is interesting because I do think, when there's like a yellow tint, I think there's something very comedy store, very sinister about that. Is that what you're kind of talking about? Sometimes when it's not, were you wearing a full sunglass?

That's small little cute oval one. But a lot of the times it's like a big, ugly one. It's like a clobly one. It's like a classic Wayfarer, a ray ban. Big ugly one. That was classic one that they just can't stop selling out of. I think it's like when the lens is colorful, it does look like someone is trying to do nefarious business.

Oh, if it's colorful, no, it was just black and regular. The ones that really bother me are the ones that bother her are brown and see through where you can actually see my eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Either show me no eye or show me the full eye. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't want to partially see the eye.

No partial eye. Like you're looking through a fish tank. Here's a question for you two. How do we feel about a transition lens? Oh, I think they're hilarious. A medical sunglasses. They're so funny. Very libertarian.

I mean, I love, because they're always one climate behind. So there's a tragedy to it. Constantly yearning and striving to catch up. And they know that. And they're always apologizing for the lens. They're like, I'm sorry it's not you. It's the lens. It's not the lens. It's them talking about.

about their trans. It's so funny. Yes, this was, I had a year of this last year where I was wearing transition lenses all the time and it was, I was always insecure and embarrassed about it. And then people would be like, no, they look really cool. They were lying. They weren't your friends.

Because it seems purposeful. It's so bad. I can't believe you got pregnant in the period when you were wearing transition lenses. Like, I'm just doing the mental math. Like, were you wearing them? Your husband. Sorry, just give me a second.

I was facing the other way, so it helps. Yeah, facing the sun. Yeah. Okay. You look at a fire for too long and they start going a little bit. Oh my God. Yeah. They don't know what,

they don't know how to behave in the middle. It's a very male thing. I actually don't think I've ever seen a lady. I actually feel so validated right now because the whole time I wore them, I knew they were embarrassing and I knew it was weird and no one would validate me. Why? We were the first woman to do it. Yeah.

Yeah. Women I can imagine wearing transition lenses are like pale. Scientologist in their 50s. You know what I mean? Like, it's so not you. Yeah. Someone in a dig in Montana is wearing those. It's because I was going through a phase where I thought,

which I still think that your contact lenses are leaching microplastics into your brain. Of course. Of course. Okay. Okay, if Chris says it, then I agree with them. My auntie Patty once told me that someone's contact lenses dripped into like their lungs or like their body took them like

because they forgot to take them out. So I mean, I can never put them on. That sounds super scientifically sound. Wherever she heard that, I'm sure it was super real. They translocated is the word to a different organ. But then I switch to wearing glasses all the time. But then you're in L.A. You're always in and out of the house.

Right. There's a sun. You want to, you know, prevent macro, what is it? Degeneration. Yeah. You've got to wear your sunglasses. And so macular degenerate. Macular.

I can't with the scientific discussion. We do not know what we're talking about. But continue. Can we get the microscope out? Can we get the Steve Whitmire letter printed as well? Then you need prescription sunglasses. Yes. Because you're not wearing your contacts.

So it just seemed like do it all in one. What about those really? I thought we solved this problem in the 80s with those really big sunglasses that go on top of your glasses. Do you guys know what I'm talking? Do you think that's better? Maybe. You're saying like a bingo shield? It's kind of like a bingo shield, but they're more of a proper sunglass.

They used to sell them at drug stores. My grandpa used to wear them if that helps you guys. I don't know. Are these a social experiment or we're allowed to eat these? Can I give you a compliment? Oh, yes. And I'm sure it's some. You all can.

I totally apologize if this is something you've heard a lot of times. Oh dear. But I've never met anybody. You're so wonderful and funny and amazing and all of that. Thank you. I've never met anyone who looks so much like they would be British. Is this a made? This is a common problem.

Okay. Really? I figured. People are horrified to find out that I'm not. I'm finding myself feeling oddly betrayed and angry at you for reasons. Not being cockney. I wish you had a British accent. You explain yourself?

You're so wonderful and great and I love everything. I don't want you to change at all. People are really pissed that I'm from domestic soil. They either want me to be Canadian or British. I am pissed. Yeah, where are you from? Massachusetts. I'm sorry.

New England is, it is truly the next stop. Yes. 100%. You get a lot of points for that. Where in Massachusetts? Central Massachusetts. A place, a little rural. rural place, no street lights. Yeah, yeah. Whenever Uber drivers take me into my parents' house, they go,

I'm never coming back here again. Whoa. Yeah, it's spooky. It's like far from an airport. Oh, yeah. Is there a Panera there? No, no, no, no. We used to go to a Panera like, everything's like 25 minutes away. Wow. You're all west coast. You must be west coast. No, no, you're Midwest. You're Midwest. Yeah. Thank you so much, though. You're midwest. No, yeah, I'm from Chicago suburbs. Oh, cool. Did you start stand up there? No, which is like so, shady of me. It is because everyone's like, oh, you're from Chicago, so you must have started. No, I didn't. I had to move to L.A. in order to be like, started in L.A. Yeah. Oh, that's so scary. I know. It's really not the move. You did your first bit online in Los Angeles, California. Yeah. Where did you start?

With Bernie Mac watching. I started Massachusetts. You know, that's, you know, so it's a little, a little club. I didn't start where I was, which is like a little bit weird. But you were really young when you came to L.A., right? Yeah, and I just, I could have, but I knew that my dad would not let me, like, go out of the house at night if I lived there. You couldn't leave after night? He would just find a way to manipulate me into not leaving because he has anxiety and doesn't like when I drive. Oh, you drive. Yes, despite this size. No, no, I just, yeah. That's not safe for pregnant women, you know. I think a non-driver is a more

powerful. I agree. I use strike me as a non-driver. Oh my God. And I think that's a compliment. It is. A West Coast non-driver is how I'm being read today. It might have been Penelope Cruz. She just doesn't drive. She's like she never thought to, never had to. But she said it without any shame. She's just like, no, I don't do that. Who doesn't? Penelope Cruz. It's a wealth indicator, right? Like, yeah. If you live on the West Coast and you don't drive, you're basically saying I'm really rich. I see you in the back on your phone. Transition lenses on. Thank you. I do love a Waymo.

You do. I'm addicted to what you. What do you think of the new, ugly Waymo cars that look like jelly beans? I don't care what they look like. I love them so much. Do you scream in them? Because you can get loud, right? I don't scream.

I'm not a screamer. The one downside is that like you get in and someone before you had like a lot of perfume on. I thought that was the point of the Waymo that we don't have to deal with the Cologne smells of an Uber. But that's happening still. You think it might be the Waymo? trying the perfume. Yeah. Just trying to impress you.

My sister is so out of touch that when I told her I took us like a driverless car, she thought that I owned it. I think they're only in California. Waymo. It's like a few. It's like SoCal, Northern California, and then Phoenix, maybe Austin. Waymo is your Muppets. You're obsessed.

I think God. I'm on Waymo Reddit. You are, are you? You are. You know who else is obsessed with Waymos? I'm rocking back and forth. My dad. Your dad loves Waymo?

He's obsessed. Okay, well, I know I'm doing at your wedding. He sends me, he would love to talk to you about Waymos. He sends me selfies I didn't ask for. I love you, dad. He will be listening to this. He listens everything. That's so sweet.

He sends selfie videos in a Waymo being like, here I am. In a Waymo. I'm like, I know that you're in a Waymo. I don't, okay. He just, he loves them. Have you done it? I haven't yet. I did one with my friend in San Francisco who like, he and his wife take like separate Waymo's

places. It's a mess up there. So darn. Yeah. I screamed. I screamed. You did? Why?

Because you could? It was like when the first film crowd saw the train coming at them. I was just, it was just first generation Waymo. Eerie. Yeah. Yeah. Now I think now my kids will be, you know, I don't have kids. is, but the next generation of me will be, they'll be civil, they'll handle it well.

Yes, but me, I freaked up. The way that people talk about, like, dads hiding in the bathroom, you know, like, dads go to shit and they take like an hour and they're hiding. Yeah, they're writing poetry. That's how I feel in my waymo. I'm like, this is like my escape. Like, this is my time. Esther's dad time.

I feel like the things, though, they look a little misfrizzle, like the whee, like the, It's like, I think it's discrediting them, like the whirling care. Oh, the whirling dermines. Yeah. You guys are focusing too much on the looks. Okay. Yeah. The cosmetics.

Once you're in. It's a vehicle. This is, it's transportation. Mm-hmm. Okay. I don't know. I mean, I love Waymo fail videos. It is like my favorite.

Oh, it's so sad. When they drive into like active, like, crime scenes or when like a woman got in a Waymo and there was just a dude in the trunk. And she's like, How did you get in there? And he's like, I don't know. I can't get out. Or like when Waymo's get into like a face off and they get confused and they start all beeping

at each other or like Waymo's getting a roundabout and they just can't stop going in the roundabout. I've had that where it can't get out of a parking lot. And then like people are watching and I'm just like in the back eating my breadstick. It's like, oh. Waymo's arm. I sometimes get embarrassed for them. It's like when a baby falls and everyone laughs at it.

And you have to be like. It's okay, you know, but you're like, it's so funny. The little robots, the little cocoa things. Yeah. I have such empathy. I feel like obviously that system is not for long, right? There's like three of them and they make probably like $30 a year. No, I mean, if my.

Because they're always stuck and they're like, they're crying. They're totally defeated by a pothole or like a crack in the sidewalk. People knock them over in New York, I guess. It's like, but here's how they get us. I guess we're not supposed to have empathy for these machines. No, I'm so guilty. Having empathy for robots. If it has eyes.

I traded in my car the other day. Came home, had a meltdown because I forgot to say goodbye to her. Oh. And so I'm that empathy person. And then I told my partner and I thought he would be like, oh, you're fucking crazy. And he was like, oh, no. Like, we should drive back. And I told my mom.

And my mom's like, we should drive back and say bye. So everyone agreed with me. My whole household is psychotic apparently. Yeah, you got crazy people in your life. I do, but I don't. Because I feel like in their minds, it's like, she brought your baby home safe from Cedar Sinai. She had all these memories.

Like there's an essence to life that becomes this thing that you drive around, right? What was she? And then the guy at Audi was just like, oh, no, we sent all of these to Brazil. Oh. And so then my partner was like, don't worry. She's going to end up in a really nice tropical place in Brazil. I was really upset. I know.

It sounds, I just, it's, I'm that person who feels bad for the little robot. I can't get rid of a car because I, my dog who passed, there's, his fur is all in the back. And so I'm like, I'm going to keep this car that is truly, there's, I think there's several squatters living in it at this point. It's like completely decomposing. Do you drive it? Are you a non-driver? No, no, I'm a driver.

You just have a car that you drive and then you have your, I have this car just sitting. Oh, you're one of those people that have an old car. And I let people drive it. Whoever wants to. That's nice. But I get that. I can't get rid of it. And also I drove across the country in it.

Yeah. I feel very, yeah. I guess I had that a little bit with my old Camry. Yeah, mine's a Corolla. But then Evil Dave made me donate it. Evil Dave. Yeah. He made you donate it.

Did you say bye? Did you tell her why you were, you know, setting her? I don't know. I don't want to even think about it now. Yeah. I get that. Wait, why do they send the old cars to Brazil? I don't know, but that's what he said.

I feel like he lied. Totally, totally. We send all of these old ones to Brazil. He's at carnival in Brazil, and he's having the best time. Yeah, that car's probably in Long Beach. He just wrote us a letter. Yeah. His car.

Selfie in front of Christ the Redeemer. He's having the best time ever. He might have been smashed up and used for metal. No, no, no. What kind of car was it? An Audi. Oh. Yeah.

Okay. They might send that to Brazil. It's kind of nice. It must be really expensive to get a car to Brazil, don't you think? I would think. I would think it's like when they send a check, like a residual check for like less than the cost of the postage. Yeah, right, right. Like certainly transporting a car to South America.

Like, flights are really expensive to South America. I don't know how much the car would be. But thank you guys for understanding. I totally understand. I don't know that we did. I thought there were major opposition to this. I don't know that we did. I know you were very like, okay, this is.

I'm a little more clinical and kind of hard edge with that. that stuff. You needed to know. Caroline asked maybe four times what kind of car it was. No, I didn't. I did it. For her to feel empathy.

Now that I know it's an Audi though. If it was a Jeep, I wouldn't feel a connection to a Jeep. A Jeep, it's like a guy friend. Yeah. You're like, you don't feel him, but you're like, you'll be fine.

Dude, you kind of see once in a while. Yeah, yeah, you're good. Yeah, good to see you. Yeah. You ever have a guy friend or you don't know that well save an audio message? That's so.

When people save an audio message. I'm like, oh, you're sentimental? No, it's like sexual sort of. I think it's an accident. It does. I also don't know how to even save one. Where does it go to? I've never saved it.

And where does it go? Yeah. I've saved voicemails that are like a decade old. That's different. But they don't get the notification. When you send an audio now? That is true. And then people, people keep them.

Weird. I think it's like a mysterious files folder. I don't even know how to access. I think you see that. I always see that. I always see that. I assume it's a mistake. Right?

It's just like an iPhone mistake. Like they didn't mean to save it. No, no, no, no, because I never save them. That's what they want you to think. People are always saying kept. And then when they don't keep it, you're like, oh, you don't like that one? Let me resend it. You can have it both ways.

You start over. Oh, here you go again with your this old, this old story. Yeah, you're right. Don't save it, but I wish you would save it. It's classic me. Oh, are we supposed to take our shoes off? Oh, shit. No.

No, okay. Where are we? Esther's wajian. We would, you put past. Yeah, you are wasion, actually. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Am I, okay. I'm trying to figure out a wasion is. Yes. And you guys are going to get me in so much trouble for just even smiling and a green. You guys said it. Wait, I'm so sad that we have to wrap it up now. Oh, we do? Damn it, I really wanted to get into the Ashley, Ashley Tisdale thing.

Mom drama. What's Ashley Tisdale? What's Ashley Tisdale? Remind me of Ashley Tisdale. Does this do anything for you? I see Hillary Duff and I see Ryan's, that's not Ryan Seacrest. That's Hillary Duff's husband. Nice.

I was telling Ashley Teasdale. I saw Hillary Duff in Santa Barbara a couple years back. Love this cheeky little anecdote. Let's hear about that. Beautiful. Oh, stunning. I've seen her through a restaurant window once. Stunning.

So I'll never forget it. Ashley Tisdale writes, she writes this article. Yeah. Right? And basically saying, I'm not a long, I got kicked out of this mom group, this toxic mom group. What else does she say?

She was basically like the behavior in this mom group I was so toxic. And they were leaving me out of activities. And it felt very high school. So for my own mental health, I decided to leave. But when I read it, to me, and I do want to be clear, I skimmed it. She seems like the problem. Sorry. She's even make that statement.

She's kind of complaining about, like, people not inviting her to stuff a little bit. And I'm like, maybe there was a reason. And the reason is that you suck. Totally. Basically, Ashley Tisdale writes this article. It goes viral. Everyone's talking about it. And then people are obviously going to speculate who is the mom group.

Well, they figure it out because it's a public mom group. Yes. So they figure out it's like Hillary Duff, Mandy Moore, et cetera, whatever. Oh, that's a nice mom group. Yeah. So then Hillary Duff's husband posts and his caption says, when you're the most self-obsessed tone-deaf person on earth, other moms tend to shift focus to their actual toddlers.

Oh, God. And then some people are like, oh, well, that's proving her point. But I actually totally disagree. And I agree with what you're saying, Caroline. It's like the person who's speaking. first and feels like they have to like get this story out about how they were wronged is clearly the crazy one. Yep. And you know people are going to know who you're talking about. That's not going to, just because you think you're sharing your story and oh, I'm not saying who. It took five seconds

to figure it out. I think Megan Traynor might be in the mom group too. Just want to throw that one out there. Yeah. It strikes me as one of those things also that is a very new concept that I have kind of accepted is that all parties can be evil in a situation. Always. And it seems like, take this podcast for instance. Everyone's bad. Like, I don't like that he did that. Yeah, that's embarrassing that he did that. It's like, uh, if, uh, masculating for Hillary Duff. I would be embarrassed a little bit if that was my man. That's right. That's right. I don't see that as like, can you, can you stay out of this? Also, he shouldn't have an Instagram. To have, thank you. You did not have social media. To have a man even understand.

that you're in any kind of a feud or disagreement with any other women, like, men should be like, hope it's going okay, sweetie, and be so focused on their own manly tasks. Let me, let me chop the logs. Yeah, yeah. I'll get the firewood. That's that he's not chopping logs and he recreated, like, her pose and... And he capitalized the word to make it look like an article headline. He capital, the amount of time that that takes to capitalize the first letter of every word

in your sentence. Yeah, I know. My guy spent 20 on that. At least. At least. While Hillary and the baby are shivering in Santa Barbara. I just want logs from my man. It's very cuck.

It's a little giving cuck. It's giving low tea. It's not giving what he thinks it is. Yep, I agree. It's not masculine. It's not standing up for your girl. It's not good. I'm high tea.

Sorry, we're just. I'm low, I'm low E, low tea. I'm high tea. I's got sugar in the body. Just sugar Yeah No whole book But can I just say

I would give My fucking left breast To be part of this mom group And I just want to say For the record Am I sitting like him? I'm humiliated I think I literally

While Esther was talking about The sunglasses I think I was literally doing Mr. Duff You are exactly him Wait look at his lenses You can see his eyes He's shown exactly the same amount of leg

Oh my God, Chris. Fuck. What have I become? You've become a low-tee-coma husband. God damn it. Well, I'm just as bad as Mr. Duff. It could be worse. I don't know how.

He'd better have taken her name. You know he did. You guys, we have to say goodbye. I know. I'm so sad. This has been the most fun ever. Of course, we have the two most funniest guests together. It's like so overwhelming and like too much fun.

Chris, can you tell us anything about your tour? Oh, February. I'm in the Midwest a little bit. Oh. And I have a special coming out end of February. Oh. What's it called? It's called Chris Fleming Live at the Palace.

Where can we watch your special? I think I'm allowed to say, HBO. What? Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris. Oh my God. Wait, what day is the special drop? February 27, the day after your wedding. The day before you get back.

The day before you get burned. That's all for me. It's all for you, Esther. That's so excited. I cannot wait to watch it because you seriously have the funniest viral stand-up clips. It is insane. People are obsessed with you. Thank you.

I cannot wait that it's going to be all there in a juicy HBO special. So good. Juicy. Thank you. Succulent. Thank you guys for having me. Thank you so much. Chris.

Pleasure to meet Caroline. Caroline is getting married. I got nothing going on. It's okay. Yeah. But we're going to get into that. You can find me deep on Muppet Reddit. Is that a place?

Yes. It is. Yeah. And we might be starting something. You and I. A little so. Want to be started. Out of the list.

Out of the list. We're in my DJ list. You're in my DJ list. You're going to fight? That's kind of what that's telling me. That's what I missed out on. I need to see that. I wasn't there for it.

I came a little late. Oh. I read about that. In the trades. Caroline is the funniest person in the world. She actually does have a substack. I never, it's a source subject. But still go back, look at the archives.

They're so, so, so good. I'm so lazy. You're not lazy. I don't think I've ever said that vocally. Posit. I would like to pause it something. I can't even, my mouth doesn't even fit around it. That's how good a writer.

Imagine if I substacked consistently, I can't. How powerful I would be. Can I have your engagement ring? It's so pretty. Yeah. You can have it. I got to start.

I never check people's fingers. Chris, will you marry me? Yes. I thought you never ask. Wow. Pass it around. Is that a disgusting? Wait, wait.

I've never worn anything so beautiful. Beautiful. It's so beautiful. Pass it around. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's so gorgeous. It's egregious.

Is there like a meaning behind yellow diamonds? Oh. Where to start? Well, yellow roses are jealousy, right? So it's jealousy? It's, yeah, it's vener. Jealousy resentment Vengeance somewhere in there

Esther if you like it so much It's yours You'll like the way you look I mean will I get my hand cut off in a Trader Joe's parking lot one day Yeah probably but it will have been So worth it yeah wow I love the yellow it's gorgeous

Oh no it's pretty I'm just I'm just curious if there's a meaning Where do you get a ring like this From the mines From straight from the mines No it's um I have no shame it's lab grown because

thank you but no diamonds are evil and unethical I mean these are things that I'm saying because it was a lot cheaper I mostly am a believer in saving money but the crowd went wild when you said lab grown

it got the biggest What about lab grown diamonds everybody I heard a couple guys in the back who I didn't even know we're here clapping at that I've never got a response like that Yeah. But anyway, it's fabulous. And I'm sure my fiance will appreciate me outing it as being lab grown.

But I don't know. I think everyone should have lab grown diamonds. I agree. Do you think it's devalued by me and Esther trying it on? Certainly. The love is weakened a little bit. I was going to say it's like when you drive a car off the lot and immediately depreciate it. It's like what happened when.

No, no. Are you kidding? This was on the hand of someone with an HBO special coming out. Huge for this ring. Okay, good. Huge. Okay, good. Two requests for the comments.

One, what should Caroline's band play at her wedding? And also, what should I wear nine months pregnant to a wedding? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely show the clear, like a clear thing that falls. We'll see you next week with the brand of episode. Bye, guys. I don't know.