Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Connor Wood Gets Riled Up

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

Thank you to SQUARESPACE -  Check out https://www.squarespace.com/TRASHTUESDAY   to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code TRASHTUESDAY BTS, BONUS CONTENT AND MORE! Only on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast     GET IT BEFORE ITS GONE - https://trashtuesday.myshopify.com/ Connor Wood is making his Trash Tuesday debut alongside our favourite resident cool girl Ali Macofsky. We’re digging deep into Connor’s Misophonia, exposing Trader Joes, defending scrolling, talking books. In some ways, it's a bit pretty poetic. MORE CONNOR!https://www.instagram.com/fibulahttps://www.tiktok.com/@fibulaa MORE ALI!https://www.instagram.com/notalimac https://alimacofsky.com/ Thank you to our sponsors:Thank you to BETTERHELP-   Sign up and get 10% off at https://www.BetterHelp.com/TRASHTUESDAYThank you to HOME CHEF - For a limited time, Home Chef is offering our listeners 50% OFF and free shipping for your first box PLUS free dessert for life! Go to https://www.homechef.com/TRASHTUESDAY *Ebb Ocean Club is NOW IN SEPHORA* https://www.sephora.com/brand/ebb-ocean-club for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products!*Listen to Esther's New Solo Pod!* https://www.esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday MORE ESTHER:TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/ MORE KHALYLA:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/ Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A   PRODUCTION:Studio Ten42: https://www.instagram.com/studioten42/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Arielle Jade (Editor): https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ Elisa Hernandez Kohler: https://www.instagram.com/ellie.lianna/ Megan Clements:  https://www.instagram.com/egggymeg/   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I was in college being like, oh, you guys are going to Ralph's. I'll be at Trader Joe's with my paper bag. You know, we do paper bags here at Trader Joe's because it's a health food store. Exactly. You're trading. It's a trade. It's a form to table. That's what Trader Joe's was.

How was your show? It was, well, it was fun. It was really fun. Are we recording right now? Oh, wow. Okay, cool. Cool, okay. It was so awesome.

It did sell out because I bought the last six tickets. Really? Yeah. I love you. It was going to sell out even if I had to call a credit card company and say that wasn't me. There could have been a hundred out what it called and said that wasn't. So on paper it still would have sold out. But it's hard doing shows in L.A.

Why? Yeah. And during this festival. Oh, yeah. It's hard in L.A. period. But especially during this festival, it's brutal. Why is it brutal? Well, just because you're competing with so many other shows, also.

So we are in a recession. No one has any money to spend. They have to be absolutely in love with you to see you. Bobby, yes. You also go with him to, what's his name, Ted Sarandoes? Oh, yeah, the brunch. The brunch. The notorious brunch.

Then I flaked on him last minute. Oh, no, nothing really comes across my desk. Okay. Trust me, it didn't come across my desk. I was just a plus one. How did, because last year Bobby, like, literally had a mental breakdown. Yeah, a mental breakdown. He had a mental breakdown because he saw all the famous Asians at Surround.

Randall's brunch except him. He was like, why is Otzko there? Why is Jimmy O. Yang? Why is everyone there but him? So he got invited this year and he was like, Kala, like, you got to come with me. I flicked on him like early last morning, early yesterday morning.

Because I had to do blood work and I was like, you know, my health is bigger than Ted, I think, more important. That's how we know you're not a comedian. That's honestly. I'm like, wait, I am so like, this doesn't seem fun at all. I was about to miss my grandma's funeral for, Grace Homalley's podcast. I was like, whatever.

She was 94. I said everything. Yeah, she would have. I put in some of my dad, like some jokes about my dad who was just getting heart surgery. Is he okay? Totally fine. And that's the vibe that I got in the show too. And I like put it.

They were like, we're at my show. I wouldn't do a joke. He's my dad. I would be crazy. I'm like, my dad got a heart surgery. Didn't go well. Like sound bored? No.

That's more like my. comedy style I feel yeah your grandma thing like really got out of hand for a lot of people like people were worked up I know about all my stuff wishing my grandma was dead then when she was dying yeah yeah it's our family we're allowed to do as we please yeah I mean I'm running my set past him in the hospital because I had to work on it he's dying is he laughing no he's in Texas okay we let's introduce yeah let's do a proper intro okay so we have returning champion with I see a new hairstyle we're going to need to talk about it. I see some pink. Allie McCovsky. Hi. Is this Kool-Aid hair dye? That's what it like looks like in the best way.

Oh, it does kind of look like that. No, it's professional. But I've washed it a lot of time, so it's kind of fading now. I saw you like last week. How many times do you wash? Well, I actually, I don't know. I don't wash that often. But I don't think, I think I've, I haven't seen you as often as you think. Okay, maybe I'm like Connor and I just saw your name and was like I know her and then we have our first time guest long time chasing him love him Connor Wood comedian extraordinaire welcome thank you was it is that real yeah we love you oh my god I love you guys yeah I think I've been like DMing you since like last year it has you were in Hawaii Bobby had a show is like hey come to the show I've been trying to yeah wait I'm sorry to be so like

boring question but I did read that you You were laid off in COVID and then I was like, what was your job? I worked in tech. I got laid off of bird. Oh my God. The big bird layoffs. The big, I was one of them. Wow.

Wow. You heard? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I was there. That's huge. Laid off on a Zoom call that was automatic or it was like pre-recorded.

No. And they were like 500 of you. We have decided to award you with no longer. you're working here. And it was like worded like that. It was like backwards worded. Where I was like, wait, did we just get, did we just get fired? Working here, you're not.

That happened to me when I worked at Johnny Rockets. They were like, you've been promoted to guest. I was like, oh. That's crazy. Cool. That happened to me at Figaro Bistro. You work there? Those fucking cocktuckers, yeah.

Yeah, the food is ass. Don't go there. What did they say? It was Thanksgiving. One of the holiest holidays. I was with my family and I looked at the schedule that they sent and I wasn't on it

and so I called my manager I was like, hey, I'm not on the schedule and she's like, yeah, we just figured you wouldn't want to come in anymore and I was like, oh, is that what you figured? She was right, but like, let me say that. Wait, so what would your life be like if you were still working in tech?

It's such a good question. I really... Would you be like a huge jerk? I hope not There's no way to know Because I hated my job So it probably would have pushed me to Being an asshole

But I was bad at my job as well So I would have probably The comedian, like it was already coming out of you Something had to happen I was lying about like my resume And my GPA and my job history and everything So just to get these jobs And then I'd get there and be like

I don't know what What coding is You know and I'd learn it on YouTube And then I would go in You do have the face where like You could tell me anything And I would believe you Like there's so much sincerity in your face

that if you were like, oh, I actually know how to build airplanes I'd be like, of course you do. Oh, you catch me if you can face. Yeah. Really? Oh my God. Yes. I concur.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what you can't remake. I listened to your most recent episode with Brooke. And you said something that... You listened to it? I listened to it. Oh, my God, thanks.

And you said something that blew my mind. This is one of your exact words, but this is what I felt, is that the guy who invented infinite scrolling is basically a war criminal. Yeah. Wait, what's infinite scrolling?

Well, you know, like back in the day with MySpace, it stopped somewhere. You looked at something and the page just stopped. Now it's like you can go on. Even Instagram would stop, right? Yeah. You had to click load more. Like you had to like acknowledge

and intentionally be like load more stuff. It's true. I think that, you know, it's sort of like the reason why we're kind of rotted up here like it just never ends for us yeah the doom scroll was invented by this guy

wait and why is he a war criminal Ali what is he done I feel like you're not registering that this is we're at war this is war in our brains oh like we're not okay as a culture okay so like metaphorically he's a war criminal

yes metaphorically metaphorically should I should have specified I'm not smart enough to answer that part. But the tweet, I was like just rereading a tweet, which is like half of the things we clip, unfortunately, are me being like, I read this tweet and then we clip it and it looks like I said this thing. But it was that the guy that created the user interface of the infinite scroll might have caused more deterioration for humanity than Oppenheimer nuclear bomb, just like in terms of lasting impact, which can't be good. I have been getting better at like if I'm

watching, I do like the pimple videos. Oh my God. We're really getting it out. So I heard that there's actually a study that men don't find that. Yeah, they're not into it. They're not into it at all. And there's like a biological reason for that. It's because women, we have the need to prune and clean and take care of like the people

around us and our young, you know, and babies and stuff like that. Men don't have that. So it's very entertaining for us. I find it interesting that you like that. I find it interesting that I like that as well. Because Dr. Bipple Popper says 99% of her audience is, like, female. So it was 90% of my audience. What do you guys think about toenail clip and videos?

It depends. They're levels. If it's just ingrowns on the side, I'm game. Okay. If it starts to do the fungus, I'm out. Like, I hate toenails, finger, or injury to that area, not for me. What about you like that? Oh, I love it.

Can I defend the scroll for a moment? Yeah. I have thoughts because I have, thank you. I have been like battling this because, okay, yes, the scroll, especially like I'm a new mom mode. I'm pumping and I'm scrolling, right? And then I do notice that I'm like, like my brain is fried from it. But then I also do feel like there is that happy medium where when you're like, when I scroll like I find, I learn stuff and like I laugh and there's joy and there's there's fear but like is it that bad if you're doing it a little like the healthy way are you retaining things that you're learning because i find that i'm not retaining anything anymore because it's just the turnover is too much too fast okay let me give you a specific

example that i didn't want to give like i was scrolling and i come across this account and it's it's a midwife and she's like sharing all the stuff that i'm finding to be super interesting and it's resonating with me. I DM her a question. She DMs me back. We're going back and forth. We're having a conversation now. I love. She says like things that I think are gold. Like I wouldn't have had that experience if I didn't scroll. But I think that that's not an example of like mindless scrolling. Like you're engaging. You're actually seeking something out for yourself and for the purpose of feeding your child. I'm talking about my algorithm where it's like these women, I think in South America and they're like rolling these balls.

And depending on where the ball, you get those. Depending on where the ball lands, you can either go home with a fish, chicken, a new blender. And I watch all 10 minutes of it. And I watch it over and I don't miss a second. And I'm there for three hours. Just watching these women in who knows where. Walking away with chicken. When you're not texting me back.

Yeah. You're watching women. I'm locked. I'm locked. I can't leave. I get it. I was hitting so many of those like brain. brainless YouTube, like, almost troll videos.

Like, what is this even, what am I doing here? And so I stopped getting on Instagram for like a week. Amazing. And I got on Twitter. And I'm on Twitter watching four people die at 8 a.m. So it's like, that can't be good for me either. I'd rather watch the ball rolling. Get the blender.

I know. It's so exciting. And now I'm, guess what my algorithm is now. What? I mean, guess, you know what? our medical anxieties and pandemic stuff. Haunta virus. Yes.

It's all. Are we scared I've been meaning to ask you? I mean, it sounds haunta. It haunta is scary, right? Yeah. Are we scared? I don't know anything. I'm scared.

What? You're supposed to know this stuff for me. No, I just know that, okay, here's the upside as a hauntas been around a while and for a long time is well studied. Yeah. I think that we have like COVID trauma. Yeah. I feel like everyone's obsessed with outbreaks now.

Yeah. And as we've all got. our eyes on these little virus. Everyone wants to discover the next pandemic. And like, it's not happening. They wanted to be the new whistleblower, which you were. As the original COVID whistleblower, like, Hanta is not giving COVID. I just, months before, like, I was on Reddit and I was like, I just knew it was coming.

I would say as early as like August 2019. Wow. I was like, this is, it's happening. Like, this is the one. And no one believed me. And I had to go on Lexa Pro. And my therapist, my therapist, who specified. specified an OCD, she literally, I'll never forget this,

she got up and grabbed the door handle and licked her hand to make a point to me that I was crazy. And then she died of COVID. No, thankfully no. That's crazy. But in this, and like, look, a broken clock is right twice a day and that's really what happened with it. Why was your therapist doing exposure therapy on herself

for your, she was best for her. Her self with the whole door knob in my mouth right now. I don't care. I love the door door. This bitch won't listen. The therapist, they get desperate with me. Okay, wait, I have a question based on how you're saying that he likes pimple videos and that's like opposite gender thing. What are ways that you guys know about yourselves that you are more traditionally like the opposite gender?

Because I've realized it takes me three minutes to get ready. And that is weird. That is like I'm a guy in that way. Like, do you guys where you feel like I'm more like a guy or more like a girl that doesn't make sense? Yeah, I have one. It's really embarrassing. Let's go. You know, I've been a lifelong fan of MMA since it was 1999 on pay-per-view.

But that's like so Filipino. It's true. You know what? Oh my gosh, yes, because we're boxing fans. Thank you. It turns out I like that about myself. I'm just Filipino. Anyways, that's my thing, the MMA thing, or I'm just like, ew, like it's so not my crowd either.

But I watch it alone on my iPad like a fucking. weirdo because I'm like this is like my secret yeah you know be it's legal be proud that you enjoy fighting it's legal yeah yeah maybe not all the fighting is legal oh but I do I do think the best fights are the women fighters by the way I just want to put that on that they're great yeah I'm like I know for sure I do so many things guy style but like nothing is coming to my head right now guy style guy style guy style guy style guy brain Hashtag guy style. Do you like beer?

No. Okay. That was my only. Oh, well, see, because everything I'm thinking is like examples of me being a pick me girl. Oh, that's your own. Because I'm like, oh, I love playing billiards, but I'm like, no, I don't. Oh, you're just Filipino. No, you're just Filipino.

Okay, I'm Filipino. Yeah, yeah, you're Filipino because billiards is so a women's sport over there. No, but she's saying that it's fake. Yeah, it's like I don't actually love it. I only love it if there's, like, an audience of people. so I can like arch my back and be like, you know, that's very corny. Yeah, I get that. That's why every guy I've ever dated either loves magic or hates magic.

And like, depending on who I was dating, I had to pretend to love or hate it. And then like I forget which, but Dave hates it. What your truth is. Yeah, I don't know my truth. I love magic. You do? Oh, yeah, I'm a freak for magic. I love going to the magic castle.

But see, that's another example of I think I love magic because I love magic because I love I love reacting to it when people are around. Yeah. You're having an identity crisis today. Who are you when no one's watching, Allie? Oh. I don't know. Are you a magic girl or not a magic girl?

No, I am a magic girl, but I definitely like, I'll put it on a little bit in front of- You're a performer. I'm a performer. Yeah, that's who I am. When no one's around, I'm a performer. Connor, do you have anything that comes to mind? That makes me more like a girl.

Do you take good care of your skin? You look like you do. No. What? I know I lucked out. I like being bad and getting a diet Coke. That's probably what makes me most girly. And I don't like watching fighting.

It makes me nervous. I hope they don't. I love that. I think that's the correct instinct. It's like... I'm not Filipino today. You're not Filipino. You're not Filipino.

No, I can't do the fight. It sucks because my friends will be like, we're going to go because we don't want to pay for the pay-per-view fight. And now it's like $75. So watch Jake Paul fight an old man. That's stuff I won't watch. The Jake Paul, like Mike Tyson stuff, it's like it's a joke to me. You think it's crazy Netflix has us out here doing shows and they have him fighting old people.

Yeah. It was so sad. I hated it. For money. Wait, why? Say why that's bad? I think, well, he has like a Manny Pacchio type come on, like this OG who's probably not getting the income that they got for being this like world class fighter and they spend a lot of money

a lot when they're like those huge athletes and then they get an offer from jake paul the YouTuber will give you 10 million dollars to come fight for six minutes yeah and they take that but they are going to get it's like exploitative yeah yeah it's like the you know how like everyone's grandparent got like fooled by a scam call that was like this is your son he's in mexico and he's been kill or like he's on the brink of death and then they give all of their money and gift cards I feel like this is the celebrity, the old celebrity version of that where it's like $10 million to fight Jake Paul. This makes it sound even sadder. Well, where I am a girl is while I do watch the fights, I don't watch the knockouts.

Like if it's like a really horrible, injurious type of like finish, I turn away and I don't look at that. Do you, are you guys insinuating basically that like, because what was the fight Logan Paul and Mike Tyson? Jake. Jake Paul and Mike Tyson. Are you insinuating that Mike Tyson is actually so old that he was able to get like really seriously hurt? Because in my mind, I'm like he's Mike Tyson. He's fine. No, I think that, no, I think he, well, how old is Mike Tyson? 60 something? Everybody's 60 is different.

And I think that he really did try and he really did go through a full training camp. Why did we all see his butt? Was that on purpose? Do you remember when? Oh, yeah. You more like assless chaps. Yeah. Oh, he did. Like, did he know that there was a camera on him? I don't know. Definitely like we're talking about it. Maybe it was.

Yeah. Maybe it was get some buzz for views. Yeah. Engagement. He was engagement farming us with his, his butt, his ass and cheeks. You know what I love about you, Connor? And this is a dig. No, what? At you. Oh, wow. This is going to be. What I love about him is what I hate about you. What? So on his latest episode, do you know that his co-host lets him read poems on the show? There was a time in my life. life where I truly embarrassingly thought like I wanted to be a poet. I was dating Bobby at that time. And I was like, he's like, well, what do you know?

What other things are you thinking of? I was like, I think I'm going to be a poet. He was like, nah. Early on when we were filming trash Tuesday, I would try to like read these poems to Esther. And she would cut me off after the first line. She was like, I hate this. Do not do this. This is horrible.

But Brooke let him finish beginning to end. You wrote a poem? It's, I cannot read it here. It is not, like, genuinely I would hope she would cut me off. Can I defend myself? Yeah. I think that comedians need to be anti-poem because think about it, we're sitting there at the open mic and we go up and we have to fucking try so hard to be funny. And then the poet goes up.

What? Yeah, they can just say anything. Spoken slam poetry type. It's not funny. I feel like poems need to be read in like a reality TV show confessional. It's like you're alone in a booth with a camera on you and no one else is around. I also do think that social media ruined poetry in general because there's so many of these little like if you look away. Wait, my mom sends so many of those.

Yeah. Like little life slogans. Poetry's dead, but sorry. No, no, no. I just woke up. I was a little bit jet lagged. It sucks. I don't know. Do you guys have this where the most brilliant concepts that I'll ever have are on the brink of sleep? Yes. Yes. Or in the shower for me.

Shower on a run and about to fall asleep all times when I don't have any form to like save it. And I'm like, I'll remember this. And all I wake up with is you had a good idea last night. And you'll never know what it is. And I want you to know that you had it. All the time. And it's getting worse for me too because I don't remember, because my memory, I think, is shot from Infinite Scrolling that all my good ideas get washed away in the shower. I'm like, wow, that was brilliant. I knew it was brilliant. I felt excited about it.

Wait, they have, they have like shower crayons. I used to have that. It didn't solve the problem. Well, I also never took a shower. Okay, yeah, same. That was probably my issue. Do you shower? That's the first question.

Do you shower? Okay, do you guys shower? This is a very sensitive topic for Esther and I Because we're on completely opposite sides She showers like three times a day She has like Catholic guilt about something You know who else does? Tom Ford I saw the Met Gala

They were like Tom, how many times do you shower And he was like three And I was like I don't want to be like that guy So now I don't want to shower Come over to the dark side I want to try but I just don't think I have the genetics for it I think my eczema is going to flare No

I'm going to itchy my hair is going to be good for your skin Okay let's do this experiment Yeah Does that mean that we're going to We have to shower every day. No, I'm not doing that. I can't shower. But you have to be honest with me.

After day three, you have to sniff test me. I love to. Everywhere. My crevices too, lady. Then you got to smell mine. We'll see, the thing? Because I have some question. What's going?

The thing about being a stinky girl, and I think you can back me up here, is that, you know, you're not showering every day, but you're still maintaining the crucial areas. How is that maintained without, like, water running through your body. Dude wipes. Dude wipes. Really? Oh no, I'm lying.

I shower twice a day too. You do? Mine is like I can't get in. If I get in bed and I'm like, when's the last time I wash my hands and I can't remember? I'm like, I get up out of bed and I have to wash my hands. Same, same. That's me.

My feet, my hand. I feel it. Like I physically feel parts of my body. I'm like, I need to. Yeah, I think it's just. Yeah. If like my feet feel grass, I'm like I'll just put socks on. Oh, it's not in the bed.

Yeah. That's so. it's incredible the breadth of life that's available for us like there's I wish I had that I seriously seriously do and I don't wish

that I had that life is so happy for you this is a poem stop it but I don't look like a stinky girl you don't I know that's why I could tell okay the hair the new hair this is a cool thing

Do you think that color pink or that is stinky girl? I don't know. Yeah. It's cusp. But I think, okay, without the pink hair. You're so freaked out that I might think that you look stinky. It's really bothering you. I just think a lot of people wouldn't assume that.

First of all, I actually am a big believer and you can't look stinky. I disagree. I disagree. And by the way, I also want to say, just because I shower three times a day does not mean I'm not stinky. I stink. It's because you're showering too much. No, there's just, if I smell it on myself, even, like, do you like your own? Like, B.O?

It's probably not, because no one around me ever says I smell there. I was like, oh, you smell fine, but it's my own, like, perception of, like, if I smell like. Who cares? I care. It's like a. People have smells. Let's let go of it. No, no, thank you.

No, thank you. Who gives a shit? Because if I am accosted by that scent, like, I, my day is ruined. Like, it's like, or like this. When I walk into. you an elevator and it smells like scalp. You're so hard on scalp. I hate scalp.

You have to be so close to scalp to smell scalp. No, you don't. You must have like a crazy nose. I've smelled scalp before. I know what you're talking about. It's not even like mussy. It has just like a very, very specific like skin and not wet skin, not. It's like hot, hot.

It's a heat thing. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Huh. I didn't know that people smelled that. Yeah. Have you ever smelled someone's hat? I'm not like I'm not talking about my hat.

I don't like it. Nasty. That's good? Passes the test. Definitely smells like scalp. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I also described the smell.

Not bad though. Question for you as a white person, but what is your ethnicity? I like can't figure you out. White. There's some Native American somewhere, but not enough for free college. Okay. Wait, was 23 and Mia scam? No? Why?

You told me something about how they were being sued for something. So now I'm thinking my ethnicity breakdown is not real. No. I think I told you that 23 Mee's tests for the Broca gene is not as expansive as the doctor can give, which is totally unrelated. Oh, breast cancer gene. It's like a breast cancer gene. Because 23 Mee was testing for genetic mutations. I do think, though, that, like, everyone says take your data off of there.

That's what I was. Oh, okay. I thought that was the question for the white person from Texas was, they're selling your data. They're collecting things. Like, clone or something. I let my sister take the bullet for our data. No, it's not accurate. Siblings will have different breakdowns.

Oh, God damn it. Isn't that crazy? My niece and nephew, like, I'm way more related to my nephew than I am to my niece. Oh, no way. Yeah. Like, it thinks that I have a different. relationship with each one. Wait.

Yeah. But I'm their half, like, it's my half sister. Oh, that's right. But still, my niece is like a cousin and my nephew. Do you treat them differently now? Yeah, I do. You're like, I don't know you, bitch. Well, I'm...

You're my cousin. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You guys, it's a summertime, and I know that some of you are like, great, fun, summer. We get a break from school. But that's not always the case. Summer can be your favorite season, but can also be extremely overwhelming, especially if you have kids and you're like counting down the days, your kids are back in school.

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use offer code Trash Tuesday to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. What is Paris syndrome? In the 80s, this Japanese man noticed these Japanese tourists in Paris who were crashing out. Like they were nausea, they were nauseous, experiencing dizziness, hallucinations, having like a full, like, mental, like, breakdown. And it turns out that the reason they were crashing out is because they had fantasized about this idea of what Paris looks like, because it had been such a revered thing in Japan. This is we're going to wear our hat. We're going to have our, you know, baguettes.

We're going to do this. And they get there. And Paris is Paris. It's a city. It's got rats. It's got real people. It's got homelessness. It's got the Eiffel Tower in the backdrop.

Sure. But it's a real city. And this illusion is shattered for them and they can't handle it. People are hallucinating. Yes. And it's a real thing. But it's not even just Japanese people in Paris. This is a thing that happens when people have an expectation of going to a place and they've built

it up so much in their mind and they get there. And they get there. And they get there. And they. get mugged or they get you know whatever and they can't handle that this dream fantasy land isn't dream fantasy land for them and that's how I feel when I see people the Hollywood like walk of fame and I'm like these poor people I get really bummed out too sometimes like I see on the west side when I visit L.A. now and that's where I lived it's like Santa Monica events and I would see people

8 a.m. families walking down with their chairs to go get their spot on the beach and I go oh you don't know that we're about to have three months of clouds. Like it's going to be the water's freezing at 60 degrees. And I see people bring their kids down and be like, we're visiting this our vacation. We just got out of Ohio. We're here this week. You're going to get in the 40 degree water that the sewage goes into in Santa Monica. You were going to get in there and you're going to enjoy it and we're going to talk about this and we're going to take pictures. But I feel like that's a better coping mechanism of being like, you know what? We acknowledge this isn't what we thought and we're going to make the best of it.

I just wish they would have reached out to me before. I know, I know. You have to come in July. If anyone has plans on visiting Los Angeles, reach up to Connor 1. Yeah, let me. I genuinely will guide your hand. Wait, tell me.

Wait, why don't you have one of those Apple maps that's like, fibula's guide to the city? I'm always... Can anyone just do that? Whenever I'm on the road, I'm always looking at the Jonas Brothers' favorite tour spots and I go wherever they go. I didn't know that.

Yes. That's so cool. Yes, I love. I love the Joe Bros favorite spots around the U.S. I am unable to, like if someone asks me for a recommendation, I cannot, nothing comes to mind at all. Or I get so nervous that they're not gonna like, I have to give so many prefaces.

I'm like, you're only gonna like it if X, Y, and Z, if your parents are divorced, then this is the right spot for you. I can only advise on time of year and weather. I really truly, like, everyone always talks about LA weather, which does kind of ruin you. Like in New York, I'm cold if it's, below 70 and I'm really really hot if it's above 70.

It has to be 70. It has to be 70. I relate to that. Yeah. It's insane. And I feel embarrassed. When and where in LA, can I go to a beach? You can go to Santa Barbara. I think in Malibu, like, you know, Leo Corrio or like, it's already Orange County, but like Laguna in those areas. She will never step foot in a beach, by the way. No, but I want at some point I'm going to have to take my child to a beach. This is what, as a family, we've discussed Ace's Beach Day all week this week. Because we're getting like, I'm entering my van life era and I'm getting a sprinter van. You're going to end up raising Ace. Well, because Jules was crashing out over this. She was like, Atte Ace has to see the beach. She has to know beach culture. She has to know the ocean. She has to have

a relationship with the ocean. And I was like, well, there's like the plot of Moana. Because she watched Ace over the weekend. And Ace has a sandbox. And a sandbox. And a sandbox. And And I was like, you're going to have to take that up with Esther. And she was like, couldn't we just take her to the beach? You think Esther would let us take her to the beach? I was like, I don't know. You're going to take that up with her mother. Yes, but where would you go?

What is right north of Santa Monica? Oh, before all the spillage. It's like Will Rogers? Will Rogers. Yeah, that's actually, it's clean sometimes. Yeah, it can be nice. And it's a great kid beach. That's what I was going to say.

It like doesn't break. The waves don't break in a way. And so you can kind of walk out a little bit. There are a lot of kids there too. Me pretending I know what wave breaking means. Scary. It can get scary. Oh my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nightmares that the waves come from. Right. You go to Long Beach. Well, that's the water you don't want to enter. Is that where you're from? Yeah. Hell yeah.

Long Beach is shit. Well, if you go just a little bit down to Seal Beach or sunset. Seal Beach has sharks. Just trying to enter the chat. You've been rejected. Yeah. No, but Long Beach is the best. To this day, I think that it's the best place to live in L.A.

Yeah, I think so, like, so, like, unmatched. Oh, my God. Oh, I would love. to put an Apple Maps guide together of places. Can you and I do it together? I live there for, I went to Cal State Long Beach. Oh my God. I'm a 562 girl live for life.

The Trash Tuesday Long Beach guide. Yes. Oh, Guy too. Get in there. Wait, so, okay, back to this Paris syndrome. Oh, yeah. It reminds me of this concept called being denerated. And I don't know if you guys have heard of this.

No. No. Oh, my God. It sounds like really sad. It's bad. Denerated. So it's basically this concept where like, Like your life isn't what you thought it would be.

And so you've been like denarated. Like you're, it's, it's not what you pictured and you like lose touch with. Oh, no. Yeah. But that to me is the same thing as Paris syndrome. It's like I thought this was going to be like box A and it's not. It's like box B and now I'm questioning everything and I don't know who I am anymore. Like I feel like I've had that so many times in my life.

I've never been to Paris because one of my pretty. friends that it was dangerous. And Dave is like, please, can we go to Paris? I'm like, no, it's not safe. But I do feel like I don't want to go to Paris because I don't want to know what it's really like. Why don't you just go to like a small little town in France? Yeah. Because I had Paris syndrome when I went. You did? Yeah, but I was also an alcoholic and I was like blacked out at some hostel with an Australian guy. So I don't know if I was getting like the full Paris experience. I don't think so either. That's the Paris experience. Okay. I will say like, I felt similarly when I was in Madrid at a hostel with some like stinky guy in a bunk above me

and I didn't like love it. Yeah. And then I went back and I had a different Madrid experience. I was like, oh, this place is amazing. So the hostel kills it. Yeah. Well, and I got like, you know, you're in Paris. I had one of the artists by the Eiffel Tower do a photo of me.

And so I'm like having my Paris moment, I'm like sitting, getting my photo drawn like the Titanic, you know. And then he shows it to me. I swear to God, the photo looked more like him than like me. I have a photo of it. It's crazy. It's so offensive. And I was like, I'm never coming back here. It was brutal.

So I read this book recently. Recently, it's the only book I've read in like 10 years. I read a book to completion. I was so happy. It was the most upsetting book. And it is full-blown deneration 100%. It's called Stoner. Has anyone heard of Stoner?

It's this book about this guy's horrible, horrible life. But he truly does nothing to change it. And it makes me frustrated. It's like Manchester by the sea. Like obviously that movie's sad, but like move. Yeah. Don't live in Manchester by the sea. Your life is so sad.

That's so venous speech of you. What? I feel like that mindset is so venous speech. You are not a treat. Move. Yeah. So like this guy's life, the whole thing is just like so upsetting. Here it isn't.

It's a 1965 novel. that's not what I expected it to be. Yeah, I thought it was going to be a stoner. Yeah, about the quiet, often disappointing life of William Stoner, a literature professor at a Midwestern university from his poor farming origins to his death, exploring themes of love, loss, and the search for meaning in an ordinary life. So there's an unhappy marriage, transformative affair, struggles with academic politics. Okay. The affair was the best part, and without, like, hands down. I was happy he was getting laid. His wife wouldn't have sex with him. He has his daughter, his wife makes his daughter hate him, and then his daughter,

he becomes an alcoholic, moves away. I'm just like, change your life. He gets old and he never, his work doesn't get better and he doesn't feel fulfilled and he loses his family and then by the end he's dying. And they walk you through him dying and he's saying to himself, well, I guess this is it. And then he says himself, and what did I expect?

And I was like, I'm going to throw up into this book right before I finish it. It made me like so saddies, I didn't do anything. Have you heard of this? I hate like a little. to this study because it involves like dogs getting beat. But there's this study basically that right now where it's like if you keep a dog with living in certain conditions within abuse for long enough, even after years of doing that,

even if you were to place 10 exits around them, they wouldn't leave. So it's like I think if you bog a soul down enough with life circumstances or unhappy things, you can see all the exits and never take any of them is what I think of William Stoner. You're pretty spot and that must be it. I think there was like a, it upset me for him. I'm yelling to the book. If you could redo the book, what would you have him do?

Get TikTok famous. I need to move to L.A. and do podcasts. If you just went to one Tony Robbins conference. Seriously, just like, or Mel Robbins either. Yeah, one of the Robbins. Let them. We're not related, are they? No.

Interesting. But see, I think a book like that is good because I'm sure it, like, inspires you. Of course. Because you finish reading it and you're like, I got to do something. That, but it also, like, it changes you for three days. You know, and you leave a movie and you're like, you're like, New personality starts now. You kind of look.

Yeah. I need to be changed by a movie for three days. I have a hot take on this, though. What is so wrong with an ordinary life? That's the thing. So, obviously I googled the hell out of, like, I'm like, I need answers as to like, why this is written in this way. And this author came out and he's from, I think, London.

And he was upset at how upset Americans were with how depressing the book was. He's like, I didn't find it depressing at all. Because for most people, this is their life. Yeah, I was going to say, it's just an ordinary life. It sounds like if there was an affair, he was a professor, there was a good job. It sounds like a regular life. And I think that living in L.A., you do kind of think that unless you chase after the stars that somehow your life is less meaningful. And I don't believe that.

Oh, no. I think that there is no such thing as an extraordinary life. I think it's like we're all just humans and you can only feel as much as you can feel as a human. And you're going to feel it like I was saying this. I think last time we were recording, if I'm really, really tired and sleep deprived and. my head hits the pillow, that is going to feel so good. No billionaire can buy a feeling better than me hitting my pillow when I'm tired. Yeah.

And I think that the book itself is a testament to even like going through his ordinary life was worth the read beginning to end. It was. And how many people with extraordinary lives are just as sad as that guy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's what they said is there were a lot of high highs and low lows. they were just different, you know?

Yeah. Like him publishing his work at the end of his life. He's, like, looking at his estranged daughter and his wife that hates him and he touches his book. And then he dies as he touches his book. Well, that is sad. That's the biggest tragedy. Yeah. There's, like, family estrangement.

Yeah. Well, I mean, like, they're there, but he's like, this is really what I have to leave. Like, I'm not really leaving my family. I'm leaving my work. You know what? Book is kind of similar, I think, maybe. Similar vibe is my year of rest and relaxation. I was told not to read that because of,

because of my personality. They said they would affect me. Oh, wow. I know that you have misophonia. Yeah. So if at any point, our chewing and our slobbering on this banana is bothering you, let's know. Oh, I can talk myself through it.

You heard on this podcast that I actually had someone making mouth noises in a public place that were like so absurd to me. that I had to leave. It made me so filled with anger that I was like, I actually need to get this fixed because I don't like this version of myself that I want to like hit him with my laptop in the head. I just realized I've been open-mouth chewing gum this entire time.

I didn't hear. I would have. So what I learned about misophonia, sorry, I didn't mean to point the banana at you like this. What I learned about it is that it's actually worse with people you know and people you're close with because I don't have general misophonia when I hear other people eat, but if I hear my mom's blemming, like if when I hear I'm even like a

distant mlem of my mother, like I feel the rage. Anger. But there's, it's contextual for me. I have contextual misophonia where it's like I can't hear my loved ones. If I can do that. I totally get that. I had to, I have to say to myself, dad has to choose so that the food can go down. Like he literally has to.

They need the calories, yeah. So this is something that has to happen. Because the way my dad choose, it's cavernous. He will chew with his mouth close. There's nothing he can do. I can hear it. And I'll sit across the table and just stare and think things. It's bad and it's literally a me thing.

I can't help it. Yeah. So I hate that part of me. I don't have misophonia, but it did remind me. Like my mom, I think this is just me being, my mom being annoying to me. when she drinks out of a can she puts her upper lip so far over the thing

it's like it's like um it's like enough like it's gonna go in your mouth why do you have to seal the whole she's wearing she does such a big lip over it's have you said this have you told her yeah

ugh but then I noticed that like I do it oh no like it just comes to me naturally and so I have to like actively be like close your mouth small mouth oh my god but okay you guys don't like chewing of humans but you do like when like you hear a dog looking water right i don't mind it as much now but my whole family does not like the sound of dogs cleaning themselves

in the morning when they're lapping up their own puss or their little oh my god we live for that in my household. I know, I know, but like, Jules, she'll freak out about that. If she's like, out, she will scream from across her. Stop it. Stop it. Me and Dave will literally voice record it and send it to each other and we're like, uh-huh. It's like our favorite thing is her little licking sounds. You know? No? I like to give my dog watermelon and he chews and I could listen to a podcast, 60 minutes of him chewing watermelon. I think it's, or an apple. So crunchy. But if my Dad did it. Shooting with a gun.

Esther, what does it say you have an update for us about your ex? Oh, my God. So you know how I'm obsessed with my high school ex? No. This, Connor. Welcome. Welcome to this show. I have worked through it, right?

Like, I'm less obsessed as I, you know, married with two children. It's been 20 years. But I did get an update from the past that shocked. shocked me. So it's not going to be that big of a deal. I just got chills. I know me too. Hold on.

You said shocked me. But it is crazy. Like a friend of mine from high school, she's like, hey Esther, like I'm with some camp friends. We were going through our old Facebook messages. And I found this old message from your ex.

And I wanted to just show it to you like, ha, ha, ha. And I read it. And it's him planning a surprise party for me. You've got to get back with him What? No, no, listen. It's him planning a surprise party.

He's like, here's the, I'm throwing a surprise graduation and going away party for Esther because I was going to Scotland for the fringe festival at the end of the summer. And it's like all the details for the party and my friend responds. And then like a couple days later, he writes back, parties off. Sorry, guys.

Bone chilling. Why was the party off? I think because he dumped me. Wait, let's walk back. I don't even know why he don't. with you. Me either. I know that he got with another girl at Johnny Rockets. Yeah, so I worked it for context. I worked at Johnny Rockets. I got him a job there. Then a new girl started working there and he started dating her. No. That was it. And like we were like high school

sweethearts together for two years, whatever. I'm sorry that I'm really stunted. Conor, I don't want you to like no. No, I'm really locked in. I don't know. So I've been like obsessed with him ever since and he's blocked me on all platforms. My movie Drugs for June is low key about him. But yeah, now to know that like in the weeks leading up to him dumping me, he was planning a surprise party for me that I never knew about. Wait, what did you do? I don't know. I need to know because I feel like I always thought he was the villain and now I think that you're the villain. Because it's like this man was planning a full blown party and then out of nowhere it's off.

But I know I'm getting the chills. I feel like the party though like was just for like show. I don't know. Like it was, I don't, it's so shocking to me knowing what things were like in those like summer months that he was planning a party. Like it's just weird. Like I can't, I can't make sense of it, you guys. I never knew about this. And the funniest text I've ever seen in my life is just him going, sorry guys, parties off.

That's like baby shoes never worn. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Bone chilling. I'm serious because they don't, they didn't have the context even seeing. that now it's like that's a relic and this truly it's a it's from 2006 who never knew never saw it whenever that happened I'm like what else do I not know right what was happening behind the scenes

yeah this is not quite as similar but finding out you were cheated on after I'm friends with some of my exes one of them is Bobby but then you hear once you've gone through the breakup and it's years afterwards and then you go but you walk memory laying down together and you're like hey remember this time so-and-so or they talk about a story. And then they talk about a girl and it wasn't you. But then the timeline is when you guys were together. This has happened at least like six times in my life. What? And you're like, wait a second. When did you say you fucked Valerie on that lawn? And they're like, oh, it was this time and this time. I was like, we were, but I never say, but we were together because it doesn't matter anymore. But then I have to

keep these little pieces of information where I'm like, I didn't know. It's like, I didn't know. Am I glad I didn't know because that would have wounded me more? I think so. Yeah, I found out after the facts and I'm like, I can handle that. If you had found out then about the party, would you have, would the breakup have been even harder for you? I don't know. Honestly, though, I am bone chilled by the whole message exchange of that, but over the party. It's like, it's almost like, icks me out that he was throwing a party.

Like, it's like weird. I don't like it. Because you don't like surprises. Oh my God, you would have broken up with him if he threw you a surprise on his party. You hate surprises. I know. Wait, maybe that's his way of breaking up with you. He knew that if he knew it.

She hates surprise parties. Like, she will end friendships over surprises. Yeah, like no surprises. I want one. September 8th. Is it a birthday? Start planning. Yeah.

We're like almost birthday. When's your birthday? September 11th. Oh, next. Sorry. I'll celebrate on the eighth with you. Yeah. Surprise.

I'm coming. My high school boyfriend, who I was, was obsessed with. I would drive by his house so often. Keep in mind, like, I broke up with him, but I would still drive by his house constantly just to, like, see what was up if the lights were on, you know, if he was home. But he lived in a cul-de-sack. And so it's like he knew my car. I couldn't be like, oh, I had to drive past. It was like, I went out of my way every time to go through the coldest hack. That's really, that's unlucky for you. I do feel about it. It's so different when a boy does this, you know?

I know. Driving past the cul-de-sac circling around. Yeah, I mean, there was one time where I had to tell my, I was like, Sergio, get out of that bush, because I saw him, like, in the bush. In the bush. Outside of my house. And I was in the room with another boy who had a huge crush on who had just come back from college from Harvard. Like an extra and bad bunny Super Bowl performance?

Yes. I was like, Sergio, get out of the bush. And I saw his BMX bike, like, parked, like, not too far. And I was, like, scared because it's different. Yeah, it's different. Sergio, get out of the bush. Sergio, get out of the bush. Every word in that sentence carries its own individual word.

Sergio, get out of the bush. Yeah. That's poetry. Connor, do you ever, have you ever had to drive past an ex's house? No. I was just thinking back to, like, Facebook messages. I deleted Facebook a long time ago. Are you not on Marketplace?

I red-downloaded Facebook for Marketplace. I need to get on Marketplace. Yeah, Marketplace is it. I just bought a whole Kalamancey tree. A what? A Kalamancey tree, and that's what I brought. I have Kalamancey juice now because I bought a tree from Facebook marketplace. Could we pull up Kalamonte?

Yeah, I mean, it's a Filipino, a lime, citrus that Trader Joe's is starting to sell it. Oh, wow. Wait, speaking of Trader Joe's, I'm never eating Trader Joe's meat again. What? You want to know why? No. Because there's a dog in my neighborhood. Oh.

who was like 21 years old. And I'm like, what is your secret? Like how? I asked the dog, what's your secret? And the doggies, mommy and daddy told me that they make him, they make the dog her. They make her fresh, like, meat. And they're like, one day we tried to serve her meat from Trader Joe's and she refused to eat it. And so she only eats meat from McCalls, which is like this really expensive.

So expensive in L.A. I'm not taking my grocery advice from a dog. Okay. Well, I am. Okay. It's not good enough for this shit. Wait, but you don't feed donut kibble, do you? We do wet food and some kibble.

Is that okay? I don't know. I don't feed my dog's kibble. What do you feed them? Good for their teeth, though. It is. Yeah. To chew on.

I was told we can't do all wet food because they need the kibble, the fiber. I don't give kibble. What do you give? Just real food. Yeah, real food. Sometimes cooked, sometimes from pet plate, mostly from pet plate. We do farmer's dog. Yeah, farm's dog.

I like farmer's dog because one time I waited too long to give it, like they gave you a lot, obviously, per order. And it went bad when I was like, oh, that's good, that it's going bad. It fermented and it literally popped, like the bag, like I went to cut in and just, and I was like, okay, that's not good. That's a good sign. The craziest thing about Trader Joe's to me is that, we all, like, I don't know, we all, I'm saying we all, and I'd be the only one, we all, like, I was convinced it was a health food store. I know!

For like the longest, it's straight up frozen food. Like, that's what it is. And when I woke up, it was because this girl that I went to college with had come in and she was like, I'm obsessed with this new thing from Trader Joe's. It's called Cookie Butter. And she's like, I eat it every day. And then I can't remember how much time had gone by. And she came in and she got Regina George.

She thought it was a healthy food. She was eating a jar every three days with a spoon. And she's like, I've gained 17 pounds from cookie butter. And I was like, oh my God, Trader Joe's is simply just processed food. Did they market cookie butter as like a healthier version? It's just the thing with Trader Joe's is like there's something. If you're just like of a certain age or a certain. She did that to herself.

I mean, I was like, what did you think it? But I know what you mean. No, she didn't do it to herself. I'm on her side because there's something about the branding. Like, it feels like it's marketed as a natural health food store. And like they do just enough where you feel like when you're buying iced animal crackers that for some reason they're better for you because they're from Trader Joe's. I think regardless if cookie or butter is in the name, let alone together, it's probably not the best option for you.

You don't understand me and Connor. No, I was fully on, I was like, bring out Joe. Like I want to shake his hand. You've changed my life. I was in college being like, oh, you guys are going to Ralph's. I'll be at Trader Joe's with my paper bag. You know, we do paper bags here at Trader Joe's because it's a health food store. Exactly.

You're trading. It's a trade. It's a market. It's like, formed to table. That's what Trader Joe's was. Bull-boned the most processed, like pizza bagels. What in that would have been a health food? Well, the signs are all handwritten.

They really do. How can you do that with processed food in your body? Do you guys, were you not duped? No, because I don't know if it's because I didn't grow up here. But the OG Trader Joe's is in Pasadena, and that's where I lived for a really long time. So it was very much like a point of pride for me to be like, do you know? Like the Trader Joe's is ours. So I don't take this Trader Joe slander well, guys.

And because I never thought of it as a health food. and I think they're an honest corporation. And I'll buy your tote bags forever because I don't buy purses for myself. Well, I will also buy their tote bags and I will even wait in line for limited edition colors, but I will not buy their meat or their pizza bingles. Other produce is not great.

Their produce sucks. It straight up just sucks. Their mangoes are always stringy, and I'm like, it's mango season. Why are we still with a stringy mangoes? But it is so affordable still. It's affordable. And it's like for like a bigger family,

I totally get the Trader Joe's route. I agree. I think that if they sold rotisserie chickens and normal produce, that wasn't like 3D printed, it would be a really one-stop shop. And it's affordable, you're right. And I'm in hotels a lot, so I go to Trader Joe's and I get this stuff. But I, like, if I was stocking my home, I wouldn't buy from Trader Joe. What do you get when you go? Yeah, what's everyone to go to? Yeah, in your hotel room. I'm gross. I'm pretty gross. You're a nasty boy. I'm really bad. What do you get? Cliff bars. our acts God their protein bar selections

is so bad too I know although they have bear bells which are so bad I love bear bells We also Dave recently has been having cliff bars and like thinks it's a health food and I don't know how to break it

He's having cookie no trader Joe's experience right now Yeah cookie butter protein bars and they're randomly really bad I get the pre-made like burritos And I eat them cold That's something only a man can do Yeah I don't have a microwave in the hotel that I stay in

here. Oh wow. You find ways blow dryer or something to heat it. I just like changed my brain to be like cold good. Wait, but I do think that this is true for some foods like spaghetti cold the next day, delicious. I agree. Even some cold meats as long as the fat hasn't like turned into gelatin quite yet. But cold spaghetti, incredible. My dad will like for a meal have a can out of the can. Yes. No. Peas. and Carriths. He's like, what, it's fine. I'm just like, what?

This is like some 1940s kind of shit. I used to do out of the can, no heating, like Chef Boyardee. Chef Boiardis forever. The ravioli. Let's do it. Like as it tells you. You know, I tried them to like

have nostalgia to heal my inner child. It was the most disgusting thing I don't know. SpaghettiOs? Yeah. No, not SpaghettiOs. Chef Boyardy. Well, that's why I'm afraid to, I have a, it's gonna, I'm gonna go Paris Syndrome. Like, I have such a perfect fantasy of Chef Boyardy

because when I first came from the Philippines, I was like, you mean to tell me I get to have ravioli in a can every single day in my life? Like, I love America, I'm never leaving this place. And I want to preserve that memory. So I'm not gonna walk back to it. You can preserve that memory because those cans last for a hundred years.

Yeah, and they stay the same. That's like McDonald's. When I had a McDonald's Cheeseburger for the first time in like 15 years, I was like immediately transported. I'm like, nothing has changed. This is the only consistent thing in my life. So do you think that I will feel warm and fuzzies if I?

I absolutely do. Yeah. Allie, you say no. Yeah, no, Chef Boredie is disgusting and it used to be my favorite. That's because you didn't heat it up, bitch. Do you want to talk about my dead grandma? Yeah. Wait, Ali, what happened?

When did you die? So my grandma died. Not the way to see it. So my grandma's dead. She was 94, got this gorgeous ring. Thank you, girl. What did you get, Esther, when you're a lawsuit. My grandma died.

This is really triggering for Esther, you showing this jewelry. Yes, because when my one grandma died, my dad... Did she get an opal ring? So when my dad's mom died, he's like, I'm never going to get married to have kids, so he gave away everything. So I have nothing from her. But then when one of my random cousins died, I got an opal ring that was my grandmother's. I got it back. But then when my recent grandma died last year, I got a lawsuit.

So congrats. Let me see that ring. I like it. That's a ring that I would want. Yeah. But she was 94. And I'm so happy that she got to die because she wanted to for like eight years. So it was kind of long overdue.

My grandma turned 96 on Tuesday. Oh, my God. Not to rub it in. My grandma's funeral was on Tuesday. Wow, circle of life. Tell us enough, welcome back to your grandma. I'm sorry, that was not Koch. But she talks about death and dying so casually that we'll be sitting having coffee and it's like 745 in the morning.

And I'm like, do you want anything up here? I'm going to make some toast. She's like, toast is great. When I'm on the other side and you're having toast, And I'm like, please don't throw in when I'm on the other side and I'm about to butter my cookie butter my toes. I'm chilling over here. My grandma kept saying I can't wait for my dirt nap.

That takes a level, yeah. But it is kind of nice, like being an adult with like a dying grandparent because it's like I'm not a child. I don't expect her to live forever. I know she's going to die. And I was like able to have conversations with her about like dying. And I was like, how do you want me to see you when you're gone? Like, you know, some people are like,

lady bugs or butterflies. And so I'm like, how do you want me to see you? And she goes, money. And I was like, oh, like a lucky penny on the ground. And she goes, nope, just cash. I was like, okay. I like, I like, I like, I like, I like her. Yeah, she was fierce.

I also think that it's really helpful to know that when you get up to a certain age, like, you do want to die. You're so ready. Yeah. Like you're ready. And that is because it's one of my bigger fears in life. It's just like, what if I'm not, what if I want more and I'm not ready to go? It's nice to know that people are ready to go.

I feel like what you just said about nothing's better than your head hitting your pillow. I do feel like it might be just like, I am so tired. I cannot wait to take a nap. That's like what Ram Dass says. It's like death is like taking off a tight shoe. Oh. I'm like, oh my gosh. Take off a tight shoe this afternoon.

I'm just kidding. I'm not. That's why I like getting like a procedure. You get the propofal and you're like, I kind of dine. for a second. Well, that's what they say is a real thing. Like the anesthesia,

like when you go under general anesthesia, your body really believes it's experiencing death. And so there are like long-term psychological effects that happen. Like what?

From having anesthesia? Yeah, from going under general anesthesia. They can't get me under. What? No way. Are you a redhead? What do you mean

they can't get you under? They can't get my ass under. I am over. Like the whole time. I got my wisdom teeth out and they were like gas him up. They were turning it up and I'm like crying laughing. It was like laugh. And then they were like put him under and I was like and they just had to do it because

they had a time slot. They had other people that needed their teeth done. I was up the whole time as they're pulling my wisdom teeth out and they're like, here's one, here's two, here's three, here's four. All right, go home. Oh my God. Did you feel it though? What's weird about was the way that they took mine out, they had to, this is,

We can have to crack them and like they couldn't pull them out just straight out. Yeah. They're breaking them up like as they were pulling them out so they're taking out pieces. One came out full. Mm-hmm. They let me keep it. But the other ones were yeah, I think they were impacted or something. I'm thinking about booking a colonoscopy just so I can take a little nap. Girl, that's propofoil. That 30 seconds. And I can flush. Yes. I want to get that drink prep. Yeah. The prep is a lot better now because now you can eat a light breakfast. They put you under for no way.

Yes, you can. You can eat a light breakfast now. They put you under for a colonoscopy. Yeah, but they use the Michael Jackson drug, the propofol. So it's like a very fast acting anesthetic. It feels so nice. Really? Yeah.

I don't know if you have a drug problem, but it rules. I don't yet. I get my colonoscopy. But that's interesting. If you do get a colonoscopy after Ali, you have to tell them like, hey, it's really, I have this experience with previous anesthesia because you never want to be awake for it. And some people do report like nightmare scenarios of like being awake during colonoscopy. Awake but they're not able to verbalize. I think a colonoscopy I wouldn't mind being.

I don't think that'd be the worst thing to be awake for. You know, I've had worse anal before. Wait, you're scaring everyone right now. But this is a true thing. Like Bobby just got a colonoscopy and he's he was addicted to opiates for a certain portion of his life. So he has to disclose that because his threshold might be higher for a certain opiates. So what did he get? He got the proof of all and it was fine. And he was like, oh, I'm going to sing a song. I'm going to sing the whole song.

You're never going to put me down. And he was out in the first, the second word of the song. What did they find in his coin? Nothing. Bitch, this fucking guy so smoked for, he's a cockroach. He's a literal Greenland shark. He has not a single polyp, not a single anything. That goes.

And it pisses me off. Well, I'm happy for him. But also it's like, I wanted to be like, you see that polypola? and now that whole thing? Yeah, you want to scare that. I know. Yeah. My 96-year-old grandma, who went to the casino on Tuesday for her birthday, drank margaritas.

She has, her cocktail of choice is boxed Francia wine. She's drank that for years. And pre-made Jose Cuerva margarita mix, which is just like 140 grams of sugar per glass. And she smoked cigarettes, a pack a day for years and years and years and years and years. stopped one day but I'm like and she's 100% healthy she's beat cancer twice oh my god really these are the lymphoma and breast wow that's so inspirational these are the Greenland sharks they live up to 400 years if you let them they are um like lobsters they're like a what do you call biologically immortal yeah i think that yeah no natural predators yeah not even Jose querva no truly Jose is safe

My grandma probably would have lived that long if, and for legal reasons, this is a parody, if my uncle didn't slowly kill her. Okay. I understand. By starving her and not taking her to her appointments. Ha, ha, ha, this is a joke. Allegedly. Allegedly. Everything is alleged.

No, but I think so much of it is like, especially with like the cancer's insol, I think it's all mental. Like if you're, she's not stressed out about how much she's drinking or whatever. She's like, no, it's, I am a healthy person. Yeah. I'm active. I do believe it. You are tapping into my new personality. Thank you, Connor.

Let me tell you right now. To the kids at the Children's Hospital of Las Angeles. Before you get into this, I'd like to counter you this point. I think that there are people, and I'm going to say Greenland Shark again, I think there are people made for vices that are built like tanks, and then you have my niece. And my niece, who has just recently picked up smoking two days, two cigarettes a day. Two to three.

landed landed in the ER for severe chest pain and possible like cardiac implications. Wait, what? And I said, listen, there are people in our family who are made for vices. You're not one of them. Your body cannot handle this. Is she going to stop now? Yeah. How do you know it was two to three?

Because I, of course, the first thing when she came to babysit, I'm like, how many a day? Okay. She said two to three. She's like, that's only two to three. I'm like. And then when I told Dave, wait. this okay sorry my niece jules she's can we share this things that can be shared okay so i told dave my husband i was like jules is smoking two to three cigarettes a day and he laughed at me he's like two to

three he's like that's not even a real smoker he was being so defensive about it he's bad as someone who's never smoked i'm with you i'm like uh-uh yeah two to three is like my goal i'm like one day i'll only be down to two or three wait okay so new personality unlocked remember we're going circling back to the beginning of the episode when I said I was DMing with a midwife. She said something to me that I am absolutely making my new mantra. Pleasure is medicine. And I'm not saying like do bad vices, but I do think if you're doing things that are pleasurable, they can be good for you.

But I'm not going to like start doing drugs again. Like I'm done with that. But I just, it's for me, I'm like wanting to lean into things that feel good instead of being like life has to be rigid and I have to follow rules. So you guys don't mind if I like shove this banana at my pussy? No, that would be medicinal. I'm just trying to live really long. That would be medicinal.

You just want to hit 90. Yeah. I feel like I've hit. Go ahead and close it on that. We've hit death. We've hit light. Like we've hit everything today. I did not expect to go on this roller coaster.

We would have to come back, Connor. I would love to. I would love to. This was so nice. This is the farthest I've ever driven in my life. We're in Vegas. The only other time I've been where we are now is when an Uber driver took my phone

and said, I had to pick it up from his house. But I would gladly do it to come back if you'll have me. Thank you. This is so fun. So easy. You guys are so good at this. Oh my gosh.

You guys are so fun. Is everybody on tour? Are you on tour? I have a couple shows coming up. Anything to plug you guys? Oh, yeah. I also have a podcast. If you guys don't have anything going on

after you listen to this one, Brooke and Connor make a podcast. It's so funny. It's a fun one. Thank you. And then I have some shows going to be at Fort Lauderdale's the 10th and 11th of June. Tampa is the 12th and Orlando the 13th. And I'm filming a special.

Shut up. It's this, we're calling it a spectacle instead of a special because I don't know how how special it's going to be because it's going to be, it's going to be a spectacle more so I would say. I can't wait. It'll be fun. The spectacle's happening in Orlando? We're going to film it over three days. In Orlando.

Orlando, Tampa and Fort Lauderdale. Amazing. I'm excited. Well, are you going to go to Disney World? We are. We're going to go to Disney World in Orlando, which is where Disney World is. Allie, where are you? I'm doing shows all over. Go to Alleymukovsky.com slash shows. We have a Patreon. We do have a Patreon. We love our patrons. Patreon.com slash Trash Tuesday podcast. Link below. Catch ebb at Sephora. Yes.

Oh, catch a wave of ebb. It smells so good. Conner's favorite shampoo. And we'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Thanks, guys. Yes.