Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Esther's Second Baby Birth Story w/ Dave King

Episode Date: April 14, 2026

BTS, BONUS CONTENT AND MORE! Only on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast    ESTHER IS NOW A BOYMOM! Dave King is here and we’re telling the entire birth story: the blood, the vomiting, the contractions, EVERYTHING. Also…this episode might be the best ad Cedars Sinai has ever received.Welcome back, Esther; and welcome to the world, Bernard King! 💙GET IT BEFORE ITS GONE - https://trashtuesday.myshopify.com/ Thank you to our sponsors:Thank you to IQ BAR - Text TRASH to 64000 to get 20% off all IQBAR products, plus FREE shipping. Message and data rates may apply.Thank you to BETTERHELP - Sign up and get 10% off at https://www.BetterHelp.com/TRASHTUESDAY Thank you to SKIMS - Shop Everyday Cotton, and all of my favorite bras and underwear at http://www.skims.com/trashtuesday   #skimspartner Thank you to HERS - Visit https://www.forhers.com/trashtuesday  to get personalized, affordable care that gets you*Ebb Ocean Club is NOW IN SEPHORA* https://www.sephora.com/brand/ebb-ocean-club for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products!*Listen to Esther's New Solo Pod!* https://www.esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday MORE ESTHER:TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/ MORE KHALYLA:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/ Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A  PRODUCTION:Studio Ten42: https://www.instagram.com/studioten42/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Arielle Jade (Editor): https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ Elisa Hernandez Kohler: https://www.instagram.com/ellie.lianna/ Megan Clements:  https://www.instagram.com/egggymeg/   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wait, did you tear this time? I have the same tear, exact same tear. You hear that, co-workers? My wife got the same tear this time on her vagina that she did the first time, give your births. Kalila, we have our first ever limited edition merch drop. There's very few left, still available, but we just wanted to open up that opportunity to you guys. If you want to one of our Trash Tuesday shirts, we also have Trash Tuesday hats, which I left money in my car, but I wear it every day.

It's so cute. She wore it when she gave birth. During labor. It was really cute. If you want these, because once they're gone, they're gone. We're not making these again. And there will be a link in the description if you want the last of these cute once-in-lifetime opportunity t-shirts. We love our Skims' Everyday Cotton Collection.

And you can shop Everyday Cotton and all of our favorite bras and underwear at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to tell them, we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows or our patreon is juicy oh my it's actually not juicy if you know what i mean that's way too it was extremely tmi but you know what no takebacks no regrets go to patreon.com slash tuesday podcast or click the link below definitely check out our patreon this is the time to join if you haven't yet i promise don't do it Wow. Wow. Hello. It's been a while. Did you miss me? I noticed you haven't said that yet. I did miss you. I did. You did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I've just been like, you know, really, we talk every day. You tell me, you know, you tell me every single detail of your postpartum journey. So I, for me, I don't miss you because I still have you. And also I was thinking back, we texted through the whole birth. Through the whole birth. Yeah. That was. That was.

really helpful for all my spinning out. So welcome back to Trash Tuesday. I haven't been here in like two months because I thought I was going to record up till like 39 weeks pregnant and then at like 36 weeks pregnant I just like collapsed. I didn't actually collapse but I was having those pre-labor contractions or driving much sooner than you thought. Yeah, it was rough. So thank you so much to you and to all of our amazing fill-ins. Of course. And did you guys see that I tagged Peter Kim as David So on Instagram. I know. He did text me.

He's like, is this mommy brain or racism? It's racism and homophobia. I was like, I'm pretty sure it's just mommy brain. It was when I had mastitis, so. Oh, yeah. It's so excused.

Thank you. Yeah. Just making sure everyone knows that you had mastitis in case they don't follow your Instagram. It's inflammatory, by the way, not bacterial. Yes, thank you. Can I say something that we can cut real quick?

Yeah. I kind of read it as like, it kind of looks like mastitis. A little bit. Oh, God. Do not cut it. It was fun to show up to work and people would be like, we saw what Esther is going through, so I hope she is okay.

I know. Every morning I would wake up and day would be like, so glad all my coworkers know you're leaking urine. It's fun. It's fun vibe. It's fun vibe. First of all, you were in Hawaii for a month, like over a month. I was.

Yeah, I took advantage of the mat leave as well. But I feel bad because you were there for the historic storm. Yeah, I was. I was. And it was like awful, but you know, we did as much as we could. could with the girls like while we were there to like help out and stuff so so I'm glad that I was actually there for that yeah we have a lot to cover today we have the birth story we also have that I have a son and I love him yeah yeah okay I have a son say more you were just on the ride here

you were talking about how he was like smiling at you this morning and everything so handsome he's so cute I love my son and I'm thinking back to like the nine months of complaining about being pregnant with a boy. Yeah. And you never ever, like, said anything back to me. Like, you never were like, it'll be fine. Like, you just sort of, like, almost let me have my tantrum quietly and just knew it would work itself out. Yeah. I knew that the moment you saw your baby boy, it just doesn't matter, right? Like, that's a whole thing with, like, gender disappointment. I think that that happens during pregnancy because you have these, like, fantasies of like, hey, I want like my little girl, whatever. But when you see that baby, you're like,

who the fuck cares? Like, this is perfection. The second he was on my chest, I'm like, oh, he is actually so cute. Like, oh, you know, and it just, and I was scared of him having a penis and balls. And I'm like, they're so cute. I know that's the part you did ask me a lot about. You're like, how's the, you know, cleaning this, cleaning that. I'm like, it's fine. It's actually easier. I find. I was really scared about a baby penis. And I have. no issue with it. So birth story, will you kick us off? Oh, well, I was just thinking back to the, because we did the birth story of Ace,

our first, our daughter, and we like wrote down every detail. And I'm like, we, in hindsight, we behaved as if we were the first couple to ever have a child. Well, yeah, that's, wait, but by the way, birth stories, I like every single detail. Yes, and I love that. And it was fun to like recount the minute by me. minute TikTok. Yeah. But this time when I'm like, what's there to say?

Like, we had a baby, went really well. Like, you really want to hear all these details? I don't know. It is real like second child syndrome or whatever you call it. Yeah. I know. We will go through it. Yeah.

You agree, I think, right? Um, actually, no, I don't. Okay. Great. Because to me, birth is like, that's what I wait for my whole life. Yeah. I suffer nine months in and out, like just misery. and so like the birth is like the big celebration.

Well, just to be clear, yeah. In my personal like memory of the birth is just as like clear and memorable as Aces was, but the way I would present it to the world is different. Yeah. I really do appreciate the fact that you're a good documentarian in that way because I don't remember 70% of it because I was out of it. Like I was in agony.

I was uncomfortable. so like bits and pieces of time are lost forever. So I'm like if I could give any advice to like a new mom or a first time like birthing mom, it's like have a Dave or have someone who can really like recount everything for you so that they can tell it back to. So my sister tells it back to me. I'm really, I get excited all over again. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm the same way. Okay. So basically I had gotten a mild cold and I was fine. This was probably like right around 37 weeks. And I had also started to experience contractions. And like I had went to the, even went to the hospital one night and was like, maybe it's happening. And it wasn't. They're like, you're having fake contractions.

Like the mild cold had gone away, right? I was fine. But you know how sometimes at the end of a cold you get like a link? What's so funny? It's like the mild cold had gone away. It's like maybe we could have then just skipped the part about you previously had a mild cold. It's my thought. It's like my thought. Okay. Carry on, sister. Just also, this may or may not be relevant, but when I was a senior in college, I had appendicitis. Okay. I had surgery and they removed

the appendix. Did it rupture or did it perforated? Oh, emergency then. Yes. Yeah. I had fully recovered by the time we gave birth to the baby. So just to. By the way, I'm glad you're bringing this up because I'm really freaked out about the fact that you had appendicitis. because I just saw a TikTok. Did you see it? You're on the same algorithm as me. I know hypochondriacs. They used to say you don't need your appendix,

and now they say, like, oops, you do. Because it's like a vestigial organ, and it's just a... But clearly, you can live just fine without an appendix. But it's giving you some bacteria issues. Sure, but it's like a tiny little corner in a pocket that just causes a lot of issues. So it's like, who gives a shit if it's out? I couldn't live with mine.

So as many people can not. The choice was removed for him. Oh, okay. If it blows up. Imagine if you're like, sorry, I want to keep mine. Yeah. That's what that would be me. So thank you for the heads up.

You'd be dead. Okay. So this is post cold post-apidectomy. Okay. Okay. So you know how sometimes at the end of a mild cold, you have like a little cough that lingers. Post nasal. And it's not a big deal, like a cough.

Basically what happened was every time I would have one of my little fake contractions, I would get short of breath. And the cough would be like so intense. And I would just be choking. And this, it was on a Saturday night and it happened literally the whole night. I was contracting, choking. I was up. My throat was burning from the intense coughs.

I got up Saturday morning. I'm like, I'm having this baby. Like, I'm done. And I was actually had a scheduled induction for Sunday night. But I was never for sure going to go. Because as you guys made me remember, like, I really wanted to go into labor naturally. Like I wanted to have that movie experience of like, oh my God, I'm just like a normal woman in my water broke. and now I'm rushing to the hospital and it's like so scary and but no that was just not going to be me

so I call the hospital they're like yeah come on in early whatever so we get there and I'm like guys every time I have a contraction I cough they're like they basically clearly don't believe me they're like that's we've never heard of that like I'm like okay whatever so we wait there all day they basically like you could stay we'll start your induction so we're waiting forever we're in triage which is like you don't want to be in triage, right? Triage is like where the losers are. They don't, they haven't set you up. They're not treating you seriously, taking you seriously.

All I really remember is by the time we were in our nice hospital room, Dave was so excited. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, I was. He was so happy. He's like, this room is so nice. We're going to have a baby in here. And I. That room is beautiful with a view.

It is the delivery rooms at Cedars. Yeah. If those were hotel suites, you could charge a lot of money per night. And not to skip too far ahead, but when it's game time and they bring out all the lights that are already set up there, you're like, I'm a special thing. I'm a movie star. Yeah, I'm a movie star. So I have to say right when we got moved to that room where it's like, oh, this is really happening, my anxiety went nuts. So like the juxtaposition of Dave being like, I'm so excited.

And I'm like, I'm going to die. Like, this is so scary. Like, this is real like, why would I? Because you remember the first time when you had the miso-prostol and then you had barely dilated and it was like a whole long thing for you. But I wasn't even afraid of that. I was just afraid of literally like my brain goes to the worst case. I'm like, I'm going to die in childbirth. Like this is.

It's so scary. Like I almost texted you that. What at that moment did you think the chances were that you would die in childbirth? 20%. 20%. Okay. What do you think the actual chances are that someone's going to die in childbirth? It seems like it's pretty rare these days, but I feel like it does happen.

I think it's because we're in the same TikTok algorithm where we're only receiving the bad stories of childbirth and we're not seeing the rest of it. So we've done this to ourselves. Yes. But what I will say is I recently became friends with someone who's a labor and delivery nurse, someone I went to high school with who became one. She said that she's never had a woman die in childbirth and that helped. But to you, one in five. The odds were one. That is what 20% is.

Sorry, I'm not a gambler. Like you? Well, that's also something that, like, you don't have to be a gambler to know that. I know you that and you're joking. They're like, we're going to do a cervical check to see where, because, you know, at this point, I've been having contractions for three weeks. Maybe I'm dilated. Maybe it's like we're going to not need to induce and I'm just in labor. So, like, we're going to do a cervical check to like see where.

You did a sweep a couple days of parts. that right membrane sweep it did nothing and as you know the cervical checks have been literally hell on earth for me they're so painful like my pelvic floor at this point in pregnancy was like so tense and tight and i'm not trying to brag but like it was just so painful and bad so she does a cervical check there's been no improvement in my dilation or my effacement whatever it's so fucking painful. I'm like at this point I'm like she put one finger in. Jesus. And I'm like, oh like how is a baby coming now? Yeah. When this is one finger and it feels like so then they're like that's how they make the decision of how they're going to start the induction. So they're like we're

going to start with the fully balloon, which is this balloon that they put in you and they pump it up and they open your cervix that way. This is like the one thing I've heard over and over again is so painful and I ended up not having to do it my last baby and I've always been like I'm never doing the balloon so I'm like can I guess have the epidural if I'm and they're like of course these fucking bitches are like we don't think you need it they're like nobody really does that I'm like literally stressing so hard because I'm like I know I've always had it in my head don't ever get the balloon without the epidural but also at the same time like I haven't even started my induction really the first thing I'm going to do is get that patrol.

Like, I'm so scared of this. And then finally, Dave, you chimed in. You don't even remember? My memory is a little different. Okay. I did not think the nurses at Cedarsai and I were fucking bitches. I remember them. My main nurse was amazing, but just these.

Shout out, Meshie. Yeah. She was incredible. She is my everything. You were like, well, is the balloon worse or better than the cervical check? They were like, the balloon is basically like, a constant cervical check. Right?

And Esther was like, okay, then I want the epidural. Yeah. And I was like, I think that's the right decision. Yeah. Yeah. You know, yourself. Then I'm feeling so insecure, right? Because I'm like, oh, I'm this big loser.

The first thing I'm doing is getting the epidural. Like, I'm this little bitch. Like, I suck and I'm making all the wrong choices. It's just all the self-hatred is like starting up. I may be misreading the situation. But I think that having gone through this twice now, sometimes I think that like the nurses in this situation are trying to be very like intentional about making the whole process your decision and not weighing in in a way that makes it sound like they're telling you what to do. And so when you say like you want to get the epidural before, they may be. be in their minds going like, that's a great idea you really should or like that's a bad idea

you shouldn't. But it presents as more of a sort of like, that's an option. We can do that if you'd like because they are like not trying to weigh in tip the scales either way. And I think that you sometimes read that as like, guys, like what the hell? Am I like a freak for wanting this or something? I hear you. Thank you. But I feel like I just. I feel like I just. agree because I feel like they're like when they say like most people don't do that. But that is factual, right? I'm not most people. I'm not like other girls. But also like at the beginning of the process, you will ask a lot like what do most people do. Oh, that's true. So like there. I do actually always say what do most what do most people do. Yeah. And the fear is that the epidural will sort of stall later, right? If you get it too soon. Yeah. Look, I'm no expert in this at all. But when you,

you asked, when we asked them about like getting the epidural early, they will be like, you basically won't be able to get up and like pee and move at all. And Esther's like, that's great. Yeah. That's a plus for me. Yeah. Most people don't like that. It's party time for you.

Everybody wants, prioritizes different things. Yeah. I cannot relate to the wanting to walk around. And then I cannot relate to the, to wanting to being sat there the whole time because I lose my mind. This is why we co-host a podcast together. Okay. So I'm like feeling like. like shit about this decision, the anesthesiologists come in, they give me the epidural, and then

one of the main, the head anesthesiologist, I'm not going to say that word again, he's like, are you not filling the contractions anymore? And I go, oh, so I don't know because I actually haven't had a contraction yet. And I'm like, you know, acting like, you know, like my self-hating self, whatever. And he goes, oh, that's what my wife did. And she was really glad that she did. And I'm like, I love you. Yeah, that was good. He changed everything for me. Like the freaking his wife, that's what she did. I'm like, great. Okay. So like, and then also as soon as the epidural sets in, let me tell you, if I could walk

into a bar tonight and order an epidural, I would be there. You've never been in a bar in your life. Why are you suddenly, what is going on? They don't sell epidural. Like they. That's right. My brain, everything just relaxes. My anxiety was gone. It was perfect. Yeah. What you're basically saying is if I could go out on the street and get fentanyl, I wouldn't do it. Yeah. But you can't get it in your

back. Right. If you can walk into a bar and get it straight to your back. You can be at a bar every day. I didn't know until this birth that an epidural is fentanyl. It's just delivered into your, because we were like, what's the difference between cycling through the fentanyl that you could get

or getting an epidural? They were like, oh, an epidural is fentanyl. I love it on the lower half of my body. Could I get a beer in my back? Like, I fucking love to be drugged up, pelvis down. It's so good. You got to try the top half. Yeah.

It's pretty great. It's like, I get why those people are slumped over on the side. Yeah, exactly. But you know, if you had gotten the foley and they had given you the fentanyl IV, you do get the top half. Then I had that last time, but I was so just like, it's not going to be. enough. Like I want... Yeah, you're a bottom half fentanyl now for sure.

Catherer, like, let's rock. At this point, the baby was sunny side up. Oh, my God. I forgot. Right. Right. The whole time they're like, so he's sunny side up. I'm like, so my life is over. Like, this is

horrible. It's going to be back labor. When you heard that, did that increase the chances above 20% to you? I know, I think that's what got me to 20%. Yeah. Okay. They're like, it's fine. They usually flip. Yeah. I'm like, no they don't. I can understand being like just concerned about it, but you seem so convinced that this was going to be a serious complication. Because again, what goes back to Kalila's like point about the

TikTok algorithm, it's like we hear these things. Like we study births and we hear. But only the bad ones, they're not the good ones. Yeah. Yeah. Bad news sells more papers. When the doctor says, oh, my wife is one of those women in the minority, you, that changes everything to you. Like having a concrete example of someone. Yes. And also the fact that the woman who did it is the wife of the anesthesiologist. So I'm like, she would do the right thing. And he would advise her. He's in her ear and he's got the real tea. Okay. Let's. Maybe you should be an anesthesiologist so I could be more peaceful for our next birth. Just kidding. I'm sorry. I know we're done. I know we're done it too. I'm sorry. I brought it off. We'll talk about it in two years.

two years two years are going to be 75 years old I mean like dad again so it was the fact that it was a doctor an anesthesiologist's wife that's everything I get Esther's point though that is

at that's like gospel like that is from like the very head of the CIA yeah like he is the guy who would that to give you that you know peace of mind unless he hates his wife

but that doesn't mean that's the right thing to do. It just means that for her was the right thing to do. Not to seg about the anesthesiologist, hating his wife, but do you see that anesthesiologist tried to kill his wife in Hawaii? Of course. Yeah, I've been listening about it every

night on World News Tonight. He tried to kill her. Yeah, he tried to inject her with some fun lower half fentanyls. I don't know what it was, but the bottom half. What? What?

And try to push her off. That was a plan and then she got it she was able to like kind of push him off and then he proceeded to like try to Take her down with a rock. This is part of the mid-America news My new thing is I fall asleep to world news tonight every night. So I'm getting like your classic dose of American news You're getting like dad news. Yes, there's also a man whose wife fell off a boat. Yeah, that's like a sleeping with the enemy. What's that? Julia Roberts 90s movie. Oh, I need to watch it. Okay, I'll what I will only watch movies when I'm pregnant, so I'll have to get to it in two years. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm joking, it's a joke. I'm just joking for the sake of comedy

podcast. Okay, let's get back to the... Here's the thing. In your mind, the idea of having another baby is so exciting to you right now because you want to have like a baby at home. We have a baby at home that you can get... I know. This is my brain. It's so bad. It's like, if I eat like a really delicious meal, I'm already like, okay, oh, I could have this again. at the same time. Yeah. So it's just, this is just my brain.

We'll just have to let it work itself out. I also think that a labor for you is a very, like, victorious event. It is the recital. It is the Broadway opening night. Yeah. It is like literally on our way there. I was listening to fucking ragtime Broadway original new,

new Broadway cast. Oh, wait. I think we should talk about the dry run that we had to do when I drove you to the. Oh, yeah, when I thought I was in labor and Dave was literally driving below the speed limit. I'm like, what man drives his wife to the hospital slower than all the other cars? Like, because on one hand, I'm like, okay, when I get really freaked out, like, it is nice that Dave is more, he stays calm. But it's like, you're not supposed to be asleep at the wheel. Like, that's too calm.

If I can defend myself, I feel like I got some, I wouldn't say conflicting instructions, but you have, I have to balance. Don't go, like, you don't go over any speed bumps or potholes. Or if you do, you have to. Right. That combined with like get there quickly. Yeah, my boobs are too painful. I was driving whatever 33 and a 35 and Esther was like, what are you doing? It was crazy. Suddenly I'm like, why is it, what's, am I in a horse and buggy? Like, why am I? Why is it so fucking slow? And then I look at it as a spedometer. I'm like, Dave, wake up. Your wife is in labor, even though I wasn't. I was faking it, apparently. No, you weren't faking. We thought we, I mean, there was a moment there

where it was like, oh, this is it. But that was, what, three weeks before he was born? Yeah, that's crazy that, like, Brex and Hicks can last for three weeks. I didn't know. Girl, I was having contractions just all day, every day. That's why I didn't want to come in, because they were, like, exhausting me. And I was like, is this what's happening? Yeah.

The exciting thing is that, like, everything was just, like, working. Like, they fully balloon, they put it in. They're like, okay, every hour for the next four hours, we're going to tug on it to see. The first time they come in, they're like, oh, it fell out. Well, that's when you texted me and you were like, they took it out after like an hour and a half or something like that. And that's, Aloha was like, oh, she's going to give birth tonight.

You knew. Yeah, because I had done the folie and it was not that length. Really? Yeah. And because I was like first baby, right? So different. When I knew that the foley was out, I was like, oh, she's at least three or four. Yeah, four, I think.

Around here after the epidural. you basically, you didn't notice when you were having contractions anymore. Or you would occasionally be like, am I having one? Yeah. But they were not painful because of the epidural, I guess. But you would cough and then the nurses would look at it. It'd be like she's having a contraction. This was my big victorious moment.

When the nurse goes, she's looking at the monitor, she hears me cough. She sees the contraction. She's like, oh, you really are coughing every time you contract. I'm like, yeah, that's what I've been saying. no one believe me. Like it was, they were like, oh,

I guess you're, they said it's crazy. This is really strange. Like we've never seen this before. Really? It would make sense to me, though. Right,

because it like constricts everything. And then you get, yeah, like your breathing gets short. They're like, we've never seen this. It's like, finally.

Just to add some medical details at this point. So we're at about 8 p.m. now and they, the Foley balloon is in and Potocin is administered. Yeah. Okay.

And you were very happy that the balloon didn't hurt. That was a big relief. Yes. And then... It was so good is you could feel it, but you don't feel the pain. So you feel them fingering you and messing with you. It doesn't hurt.

It just you're like, oh, I know they're doing it. Especially if you know exactly what happens with the Foley, it can be really just like, it makes people queasy, right? Because you're inflating this thing and then forcefully yanking it out to open up the space. And just to finally have peace after. After nine months of the throwing up, the pelvic floor tightness, just to finally have that piece is so beautiful. At this point, the anxiety was gone. Yeah, the epidural kicked that anxiety.

Like, I don't even need it in the brain. My pelvis is, my brain is in my pelvis, I guess. The balloon came out at about nine. Meshie pulled it out. Our amazing nurse who I'm in love with. Came out on the first hour. They tug it every hour and it came out the first time. And that means that you're like moving along.

Yeah. Then at 10.40, we think your water breaks. It was later confirmed that it broke. Oh, yeah. I'm just late. No, they come in. They're like, okay, time to go to sleep. We're going to wait till the morning to break your water.

At this point, how dilated were you? I don't know, like four still. They hadn't had another check. So I'm like, okay, like time to go to sleep. Then I'm sitting there. I feel a pop up here, which I didn't know that was a thing. But I'm like, that was weird. I've never felt that before.

maybe my water broke and she comes and she's like let's see she's like yeah you're water broke I'm like holy shit like it's all happening on its own well not really it's an induction but but that's still on its own and at that point they say like when your water breaks that's when the contractions really it's like really ramp up right your contractions at this point were every three to five minutes and then they also ordered for nebulizer and cough innocent at this point because you were coughing a lot and getting shortness of breath yeah oh you did have shortness of breath yeah yeah Yeah, and I asked you how you're feeling. Uh-huh.

What would, what would you guess you said at this point? I probably was feeling really excited. Excited, curious, all the feelings. That's what you said. Okay. And then, but before that, remember I made a video where I was like, if you're watching this, I have passed away. Because I was like so convinced. So, yeah, the water broke on its own.

And then. They do a cervical check. Now you're at four centimeters. This is just before 11 p.m. 80% of face. I don't know what that means. negative two. I don't know what that means. Okay, we know.

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which can lead to problems just emotionally. In relationships? And 88% of Americans are feeling some form of financial stress at the start of 2026, and money worries often bring anxiety, sleep disruption, and even depression. The most valuable thing that I got from therapy in the last couple years is she said this to me. She's like, Kalila, I know that money is such a source, object for you because it was the reason why my family fought a lot when I was younger.

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We-Go-Ve is the registered trademark of Novo Nordisk AS to get started and learn more, including important safety information. We-Go-Vee clinical study information and restrictions. Visit 4-Hur-E-E-R-E-E-R-E-R-R-Rustustvision visit forhears.com. 1130, they increased the epidural because the cramping pain was increasing. Oh, it came about, you did start to feel it. Yeah. Well, I didn't know I was. I was like, I'm feeling.

And then the mesh of the nurse was like, yeah, you need more epidural. Then at 1140, I have two words written down here that I don't love to say out loud, but it is bloody show. I don't know what that means. Can you explain that? It's a bloody show. Sometimes you can have a bloody show at any point in time in the same way that you can lose your mucus plug at any time.

Yeah. Right? But a bloody show is just about game time. Okay. I wish I had written game time. Now, Nurse Metchie at this point says, I think he's turned over. Oh, yeah.

Not through anything other than sort of like intuition and experience. She was like, you're moving along. fast. I'm pretty sure that means she's like he turned over. Really? And she just knew that. Yeah. She's just like he's turned over. She just from like she's been through this before and usually they do it on their own. And then they turned the potocin off because your body was like doing this on its own. Okay. So cool. Then do you know what the next thing that happens is? The vomiting? Yeah. Oh, the vomiting. I started violently vomiting. Just after midnight. Did that happen the first time with you? Yes. Yes. And that's when you know it's like you're nine to ten it's ready i didn't know that that's what she said to me it's like

the shivers or the vomits um but the vomits it's like you're right there you're ready and i had actually turned down a cervical check i had asked the nurse like maybe should i have done it and she's like i think you should do it she's like i'm like i just want to avoid infection you know because i had the infection last time well i remember she said the well the best way to avoid an infection is to have the baby and i was like let's do the check yeah it took a while to get the check for some reason, but you were fully dilated at 1.15. Yeah, they came in. What time is it? 158? Wow. And then Esther throws up again. And then they're like, you're going to have this baby soonish. And they started prepping for delivery at 150. Yeah, they're like,

it's time to push. Is your doctor there at this point? No. My doctor was never there because. Yeah, she hadn't been on call yet. She was coming at 7 a.m. and that's why we're trying to wait till 7 a.m. I see. But it was just happening too fast. So I wasn't going to get to be with her. The short version of the actual birth pushing is that it was incredibly fast. Yeah. So just to like jump to the end or the last couple notes I have at 1.35 a.m., you were doing pretty well. And you were like, I'm feeling that like, this is what you said, I'm feeling that crampy pressure up front. And they were like, yeah, that's a full on contraction like you're about to give birth.

And you sort of didn't believe them. Okay. you have not started pushing yet okay is that because it was just happening you thought it was too soon yeah yeah yeah 20 minutes later the baby was born wow wow so the baby is born at 158 a.m. and there's only seven minutes of pushing wow four contractions with the first one I'd like forgot what to do I didn't really do it basically three contractions of pushing and then the baby they were like at the second contraction there were the second time of pushing they like, okay, we see his head. I'm like, what?

Well, they were also so chill. It was almost weird. The last birth, the doctor's like, all right, let's go. Let's go. It was like, too. Really. You got this. It was like coat football. Gary, like, pump you up. Like, get me to push. I wonder if it's because they know second births just kind of. It was a different hospital. So maybe it's a culture thing. I don't know. I actually, part of me things is because of my first birth, well, there was so much

going wrong that there was an urgency to get the baby out. I see, I see. Yeah, because you had a, there was a fever going on. There's maconium leakage. Oh yeah, that is an emergency, yeah. So it was like, let's go. And this one, it was two women sitting at the edge of the bed. I thought one of them was asleep.

They're like, okay. They're like, you're doing great. Like, this is really moving. Wow. They were like literally sleeping. Push, push. So I just didn't understand what was happening. They got a little, you know, when it was time to push,

they would coach you appropriately. Wasn't like malpractice or anything. Far from it. Although I do so bad that afterwards I was like, were you sleeping? And the doctor's like, what? You asked her that? Wait, who was the doctor that came in?

It was like someone from the practice. Like one of my doctors like partners. And she was great. Honestly, like everyone at that practice had, has the same like very friendly, calm energy. Yeah. But when he came out and they put him on me,

I literally was like, what's going on? Like I was in such a state of shock. Yeah. That I did not understand how fast this baby came out. Like I didn't, I never felt like stressed or strained or like scared. Like it just was so quick like second. When they say second babies come fast like don't be like me.

Believe them. Like the door to door birth induction. It was six hours. Like and the last one was like 25 hours. Wow. One thing that really does suck is how. this birth because it went so well, it really highlights, like, how bad my first one went. And, what?

I just want ACE to grow up and hear this. No, I love, I know, but it's just like, like, I did not get that, like, skin to skin with her. And I didn't like, like, with this baby, it's like, oh, the baby's on your chest. You have a baby. Like, oh, and that didn't happen at all. It did not, like it wasn't until the next day. Happened for, we got a minute with her and then they took her away. But it was so such a scary minute.

Yeah, it was very sad. And I was like, take her, like, make sure she's okay. Like it just, I'm really struggling with how I feel like everything went wrong. Even though I was so happy with that birth because I had my baby, but just the difference is really upsetting. Yeah. It's really painful for me to like to face that, like how I just really got jipped. I also want to validate that like, you know, that Aces, the whole experience with A's was scary because McConaum is a real thing. And then you brought, you had a fever like soon after that.

But like given all of that, I do feel like everything went right. Like, all the interventions were done correctly. Like everything was done by protocol and you got to go home with like everything was done correctly is what I'll say. Yeah. Okay. I think also like, you know, you have the lived. experience of two very different sort of like births. And if you zoom out, the scale of things that can go wrong or be scary during pregnancy

and birth is like much larger than the difference between the two births that we had. And I think Kalila is like totally right that we are exceptionally lucky and like all the, yeah, I don't, I don't disagree with that. And that was my perspective. Yeah. It's just. I still feel that, but... Yeah, you wish you could have had with Ace what you had with...

There's just this magical, like, experience that I literally didn't have. Yeah, but also by nature of just birthing for the very first time, it's going to be 25 hours long, if not longer, and it's going to be a fight. Or it's going to end in a C-section, or it's going to... Right, it's just brutal. The first time is hard, no matter what, for everybody, right? Which is almost like this economic thing of like, well, if the first one is so bad, I feel like I know where this is this. And then the second one is better. It's like, well, now it's so easy.

I feel like you're saying this is an almost an economic thing to somehow trick me into thinking that it's not going to be ludicrously expensive to have three children or something. Well, like, that's what's going on? You've already paid the sunk cost of one hard birth. And now after that, it's like buy one full price. This is what doctors say. The second one then is half price. exact language that doctors used. I will remind you that pregnancy the second time around was just as bad for you.

That's true. And arguably even worse. Yeah, worse. And you also were like, I can't be away from my child. Yeah, that was also. Because you were, sorry, you were basically like in bed most of the time and you couldn't be with ACE. I know. It broke my heart.

And I feel also like I came out of this birth having a newborn and then suddenly having a toddler too. that I didn't, wasn't, like, experiencing. She's so cool, though. Yeah. I was low-key kind of bummed that when you guys went to the hospital three weeks for the Braxton Hicks, because I was the emergency person. Oh, yeah. Because I was like, I was already prepping for, like, oh, we get to have ACE for a night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, by the way, shout out to grandma, my mom for her, because she was, she was with us and was stayed at our house while, uh, we gave birth. Yeah, that was a huge help. Yeah, that was cool. And so Golden Hour, I go, I love my son. But I mean, we have videos from like right from the moments after and Esther is literally going like, everything's like what's going, like literally shock is the correct word. Like, she could not believe that she was holding her son. Like he's okay. Everything's, it's over. Yeah. It was weird. And they were like, yeah, he's, everything's good. He's doing good. And all the fears that were instilled in me like, oh, he has a huge head. He's really big.

Oh, right. You were so worried about how. It's like, bitch, he slid out. Like, I don't know what's going on down there. Yeah. Like, sorry. But even if you were had. Why are you sorry?

There's been expansion. Oh, wow. There's been adding on. I think maybe it's just a factor of like, maybe you just got worked up about something that was never going to be that. Oh, no, I'm just saying I think my vagina's. I know what you're trying to say and I'm trying to steer it in a different direction and it's obviously not working. It bounces back.

It bounces back. You had already picked the name. Pretty much. No, we weren't official. We weren't official, but we had a leading contender for sure. And did you want to wait to see him and feel him? A little bit, okay, that is him. But also, I mean, part of this, if I may say so, is that like we had a name, but also I had, for a name.

but also I had for nine months or however many months been asking Esther like if she liked any other names for boys and she could not give a single name that she liked besides the one which is a family name that we landed on. So I was like, okay, last chance. Boy names are hard, especially for Esther. I had a bunch that I liked and Esther was like, I don't like any of these names except for this. one I kind of like I mean I think you grew to like it and then once he was born it feels like really so I like the name it's his name is Bernard what I do like about it is that it's like an old I was say it like it yeah it's an ugly oh okay it's so not my very first crush of my life was named Bernard really yeah but I see that like how I feel about my name it's like

kind of one of those old ugly classic names and I just what I like about Bernard is that no one else is using it. It's not popular. Like I my criteria for a baby name is that no one's going to use it. Like it's not popular at all. I, what name I really did like was Samuel because that's my dad's middle name and it's also my grandmother's maiden last name was Samuelson. But that name itself is just so common that I didn't want that as a first name. So his middle name is Samuel because my grandmother did pass away while I was pregnant with him, unfortunately, and that has led to a lot of family drama, which we can get into on the Patreon later. That's a whole, I'm not sticking around for that discussion.

That's a whole other episode. So Bernard Samuel, but we mostly, Bernard is my grandfather's name, who I love very deeply. He was like, just a unconditional loving man, a big loving sweetheart of a guy, my mom's dad. and I loved him deeply. And so, yeah, I'm really happy about it. But we call him Bernie most of the time. But also what we like that could be like, he could be Bernard later in life if he wants to go by Bernard or Bear or Bernie.

All options are so great. You know, the moment you said Bernard, I was very like. Oh, that's so cool. I love it. I'm into it even more now that he's born. I mean, I think there was a time. If he had been born 10 years ago, I don't think you could do it because of Bernie Sanders.

but I think that like enough time has passed and I don't think people he goes to school with will associate him with that at all. You know what I mean? Well, I don't, I am a Bernie bro. Yeah, me too. I do. Part of me loves that too about it. I don't disagree with that.

But I almost didn't want to name him that because I wanted, it's like to wait until Bernie Sanders passes away because you're not supposed to name a Jewish person after someone unless they've died. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, he's okay. My grandfather has passed away, so it's okay. But I told Dave, I was like, just so you know, if you die, like, I'm naming our son Dave.

Yeah. Because I like the name Dave and wanted to name him, Dave. Yeah, I know. It almost felt like you were rooting for me to die. Because you were like, that's the only name I, that's the only other boys name I like. I felt like I might have to die just so you had a name that you didn't. And also I had posted on Instagram, like the hint for the name that. someone famous his name because there's a famous Knicks player, Bernard King.

He has gotten into some legal trouble. Yeah, he's still alive, but he's like a Hall of Fame basketball. So, like, guys, my age, if you say Bernard King, most people are like the basketball player, or some people are. Did they put Bernie on your boob immediately? No, not until we got into the postpartum room. Oh, really? Yeah. And I was like, okay, he knows how to suck on a titty.

Okay, my son can get it. Wait, by the way, is this? such a huge thing because if they have a good latch right out the gate like that's a big win. Yeah, which I will boldly appreciate and like proudly state that win because I had such a loss on the first one where I did not get the opportunity to breastfeed at all. Like there was just it just did not work out and it has been something that has been really hard for me. She was in NICU for two days immediately after. Or just, and we walk in.

People I would see the first episode. Yeah, we walk in. In embarrassing level of details about the births. She's getting formula. No one showed me how to try to latch her. Like I just, I didn't know what I didn't know like you said.

And so I, breastfeeding was just, poof, it was gone. I have two completely different feeding journeys. One was completely formula. And right now I'm like basically, he was,

um, ooh, I'm getting the tingles. Oh, he's getting a letdown. I'm going to leak soon. But yeah, so basically this is my first time breastfeeding and that has added a whole another like different. It's hard. It's a different journey for sure. Yeah. It's definitely like I'm

tired. Whereas last time I was a lot less tired. Wait, did you tear this time? The other than you same tear. The exact same tear. You hear that co-workers? My wife got the same tear this time on her vagina that she did the first time giving births. Yeah, we actually were losing Dave. I'm sorry. So, but before he goes... I believe Esther told us you once said you would carry the baby for her if you could. And Esther said that's kind of gay.

Okay. I obviously wish that I could like spend a month or like that we could trade off or something. That's nice of you. Well, it's easy to say. There's no way to actually do it. It's sort of an empty gesture. That's true. Yeah, I don't think it's gay to carry a baby or kind of gay. Is that what you said? I guess.

This feels particularly thorny. Yeah, for me, not for you. Yeah, I guess. Okay. Would you like to address the scratching the legs until there's blood situation? Oh, the bloody sheets. Okay. Yeah. So I've been accused of what? Well, our sheets are covered in blood stains and people always think, oh, it's the woman. Right. So this is my fault. I don't. have no defense here other than like when I'm like a sleep or half asleep I scratch my leg with the other leg yeah with like my toenails and you're always bleeding what am I supposed to do about that I can't maybe you need leg braces like like braces or it feels like we could start with like filing my nails or something wait speaking of your nails I do have one I um Esther um in

great detail explained how you had like mangly hands because of your RA and I'm looking at them right now and they look completely normal. Okay. So she did say they were hot. She said she's like how hot his hands because they look like this? My hands, I don't have full mobility in my hands because I have an autoimmune disease. It's actually juvenile arthritis but it basically manifests the same as rheumatoid arthritis. What is this? I'm so sorry Dave. No, it's fine. I'm looking at them. They look fine. They are fine, but I have what they call like swanning or something of my fingers. They go like a little bit. They flare out. These bones, yeah, they flare. These bones have sort of clouded together. So we can't do this. So I can't go like all the way forward. Amazing. I hate limperists anyways.

Yeah. So it has become. I sort of have, but they're like masculine but sort of like awkward. It's really. They're fine. I'm fine with my hands. But it is. They're not perfect. I thought that we were like estimated. It seemed like they were just contracted completely. No, luckily I have not. When I first had it, my hands were like a mobile. I could only go like this. Or when it first developed as an adult. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that is very. Wait, you have it too. Yeah, but I have ED. I have connective tissue. Do you have EDS? I don't know. It's like a. I don't know.

Is that bad? This is me. Wait, but Esther. Kalila. Yeah, she can't. It is weird. Like, why is that? Can you try?

Kalila. I am trying fucker. How about like, can you remember when we were at a party? Yeah. And this guy was like, do it. He was like, why are your figures so far apart? He's like, okay, well, I have this thing. I just met him.

I loved it. I was like, I love that guy's energy. Why not ask? Totally. That's cool. I'm fine with that. Yeah. Well, solidarity.

Yeah. You're so freaky. You know what's funny when you do it, I'm like, good Lord. but it's not different than mine. It is so freaking. Yeah, weird. Esther was telling us how you bring home, is it Levan cookies?

Oh, yeah. She gets mad at you every time for doing it. Have you changed the strategy? You're still doing it? I still am going to bring them home occasionally. She wants me to. I think you want me to bring them home and then be like, no, now I'm going to eat it.

It's both. I do legitimately get mad. Well, when I was pregnant, I really, because it would make, like, I couldn't hold it. hold it in. I got to tell you, I've come around to your side. Omeal Raisin? I think it's their best cookie. It is their best cookie. Really? Yes, Colleen. I have to, I have to really side by side. I'm going to go with Aloha today. Because even last

time, I was like, I switched the chocolate chip and I was like, no. It's good. Look, their chocolate chip, this is Levant, Levant, the one in L'A. is on Larchmont. If I'm at Larchmont for another reason, I'll stop. Every time. And are you getting the oatmeal because it's a Galactago? No, I just love, I've always loved oatmeal. Oh, okay. But there will be a reason is. It's so good. Fremes, honestly. Yeah, it's flames.

But they had a coffee toffee for a while that I was into. I think that's what it was called. I'm shocked that that was your main choice. It's so classic you to be like, don't do that. Oh, you got it. You brought it again. Oh, now I have to eat it. You obviously want it.

It's great. Esther has brought it up multiple times over the years about how early in your relationship, she got a foot long and you got a six inch. From Subway. This is like become my like villain origin story. Is that I got a six inch sub at Subway. Would you ask for a foot long? Yeah.

I don't remember the incident. I only, yeah. My guess is that I had probably just eaten a full dinner and was like, well, if you're getting a subway, I'll also get a sandwich. No, it was. You were getting lunch. We were getting lunchtime. I mean, a six inch is usually what I get.

Yeah. Or used to get. It's just so, that was, oh, I didn't want to think about it. It was just so uncomfortable. Why is that so bad? To take your girlfriend's order, she's getting a foot long, and then to show up with your own six inch. This is so weird. It's like, here you go, pig.

Like, it's just so bad. But I didn't say, I didn't, I didn't say like. You didn't, it never occurred to you. I know. You live in a different little world. Where people are allowed to eat. whatever size sandwich they have ordered. But now you know my family.

And like, that is true. I mean, Dave says he's never eating in front of my family again. It's terrifying. You have an almond family is why. Yeah. Almond mom.

Yeah. I do shit. I had, I do have one more. Okay. Esther has said that you often say you wish you were gay. Oh, yeah. Well,

no. Okay. Look, I think we need to be careful about this. But I, I don't necessarily wish I were gay. But I think that every, not every man, but a lot of straight men have a sort of like, because they tend to get along with

their other male friends so well. Yeah. It's like tempting to be like, oh, if we just had the sexual component of this, then this is also like before I'm like married with children or whatever. Yeah. But like there's this tempting, when you're like hanging out with the other male friends, you have, it's like, man, if we could also be like fucking and also and then. And they. And they're. And they, And just whatever, watch a basketball game. Which, by the way, I feel about women. I'm like, I wish that I was just a full-blown lesbian. I think my life would be infinitely easier.

Can you imagine if I was married to Jenna? I would be so sad. So I totally get that. I actually think, if anything, what I should be defending here is like the hackiness of that idea. Yeah. That, like, it feels like 2012 stand. up for a guy to be like honestly I wish I were gay like my bros and I if I could also like suck them off in the bathroom we'd be like that you know what I mean yeah I'm not proud of that we leave the

stand up to me surprisingly against all odds let's end on that good note okay thank you I'm sorry we have to lose Dave quick because he has a work thing because he's thank you Dave I think your hands are perfect okay the other thing I want to talk about is when I came home from the hospital and I started texting you, look at my arm. Oh, right. And I'm like, that doesn't look good. My injection site was like red and swollen when I came home from the hospital. And initially I was like, oh, maybe they hit a valve because, you know, sometimes they do that.

They put it in right at a valve and it causes like a lump. And I had that lump, especially because the gauge that they have to use, the needle is a lot bigger, right? but that one looked like phlebitis for sure three days after we came home from the hospital um Bernie was spitting up blood and we called the doctor on call they're like you have to go to the ER we're like are you fucking kidding me like 3 a.m I'm whatever so we go to the ER while we're there I go to the nurse I'm like oh by the way could you just like look at my arm and they're like oh we need to admit you I'm like are you kidding so basically we're at the ER all like like 3 a.m. 70 and whatever. And Bernie was fine. The blood spit up, which like you had said

happened to you was from your nipples. Sorry, it's gross. But it's not. But he had some steak is what it is. Okay. Ew. Well, that's how I, because it brought me such relief because I was so scared. And I'm like, that bloody spit up is scary. But when you told me that. I wasn't even scared because you had literally told me about it before that I like didn't even care almost. Yeah. I was like, Colilo did had this it's fine yeah but they're like you have to go in so it's a good thing we went in basically because then they I had a blood clot but it was like a superficial blood clot so it would have been fine but it was so painful it didn't look good when you sent me the picture and I saw like the redness around it I was like no like you got to go in I was actually so happy it was a blood

clot because I was I didn't want it to be an infection I was really scared but really the the word clot doesn't scare you it scares it shit out of me I'm like do not this law stay right there. Well, I didn't know there was the thing as superficial blood clots, which is basically like a blood clot that is just like chill. Yeah, gonna go away and on its own. But it did make me think, because you know how we're all like we hear about blood clots and like it's really scary? It hurt so bad. Does that mean that you would know it if you're going to have one because they hurt? Yeah. So when you have like a DVT, like deep vein thrombosis here,

you usually have pain, redness, well heat. Like you, you, I had all that. Yeah. You don't always feel them, but DVT, you can usually tell, especially because it's restricting blood flow. And so there's usually some like swelling, like involved, right? But I'm glad you got that checked out because that worried me for a sec. I know.

You were, you kept being like, I think you need to go in. And I was like, Kalila, stop. Like you're not saying what I want you to say. But you were like legit concern. How did Ace react to seeing the baby for the first time? She didn't really care. Yeah. She's too young.

Yeah, of course, donut trampled on him three times. Like, literally like sped up, jumped on him, jumped down. Like, she just attacked him. Who are you? Who are you? Yeah. And in terms of like postpartum complications, as I, as you know, I have been pissing myself for six weeks. That's not the, that's not a complication you had the first time.

Like, I didn't have that necessarily. No. No. And I will also say going through this again since. you went through it, like experiencing it. I'm really feeling like even more so than before you had a disability. Yeah. Just anything that makes it harder than it already is is crazy.

And I just feel like you literally have a straight up disability. Like that's. Yeah, it was definitely hard. And with the air slapping my eyeball because I couldn't close it and me having to like tape my eyes shut. And then having to like untape it every time my baby would wake up to nurse. So I'd had to like on tape my. So I would keep the tape on my headboard, like kind of already pre-cut so that I could just slap it on my eyeball.

And, you know, we came back and we had to record, what, like three weeks within three weeks after that. And I was so fucked. Like, I don't know how I did it. I just know I wasn't in a good way. So like, thank you guys for like really kind of like being so understanding. Did we really record three weeks after? Yeah.

I can't believe that. My postpartum experience would have been night and day without the Bels Palsy. That's, yeah. I also think that my desire to want a second would be completely different if I didn't have Bels Palsy or if I didn't still have it. Like there are so many things that really affected my mental health. A lot of it was this disability that, you know. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking too about your situation.

And I feel that about my first with like just all the anxiety that I got from the infection in the antibiotics because I had so much IV antibiotics that like my flora was messed up for nine months. Yes, that's right. I do remember that. And that was like me causing me so much discomfort. Like I just for a long time. Yeah. Like I don't know. I'm just having this this this different perspective of like how hard this is and how you don't really know when you're in it until like time has passed. Yeah. And you see and even right now like I am truly wearing diapers peeing all day in my pants. This time my anxiety.

Let's call it a disability. Yeah. This time I'm like, it's frustrating and there's times where I've been like really upset about it. But for the most part, I'm like, it's not going to kill me. Like, it's okay. I was telling Dave when you were in the bathroom, like, I don't know who came up with a whole like six weeks and you're good to go bullshit. Because I cannot think of a single friend of mine or mother that I know who's like, yep, six weeks ready to go. No, no, it's like, it takes months for you to finally feel like, okay, like, this feels, you know, reminiscent of how I used to feel, right?

Oh, yeah, I am in such healing mode and I'm not ready to exercise. I'm ready to, like, rehabilitate. Yeah, yeah. Slowly. I'm not going out for a jog or even taking a long walk, not yet, no. How's your sleeping? Obviously bad. But do you feel, do you see what I'm talking about?

how like between the prolactin and oxytocin like the little sleep you do get feels really deep with a lot of wild dreams the dreams are crazy i'm having like a thousand different storylines that are complicated every single night crazy right like full cinematic movies it is unbelievable this is i can't even explain it like it's just so these complex storylines that like you know you'll i'll sleep from like nine to midnight up to feed or pump then it's a whole go back to sleep a whole new storyline line has begun. Like, it is just crazy. I don't understand this. Again, like, I didn't have this, these hormones last time because I didn't breastfeed. So I'm having a completely different experience. Yeah, like, I know I don't want to talk about it too much in front of Dave, but like I am really,

I'm really sad. Like, I'm really struggling with what I lost out on with ease. Yeah. That is just, I don't really know how I'm going to deal with that for the years to come. Like, I will feel so much guilt because she was not breastfed, I will be feeling just jipped from the experience for me because the experience can be so lovely that I'm just not, I didn't get it with her. And I feel so, I'm like tapped out emotionally right now, but I've been having like a lot of tears and just like a lot of pain over it. And it's also like when you breastfeed, you want to think about, oh, this is so good for my baby. Like this is so magical. And I actually find that I don't want to be thinking that because then I just face what Ace missed. So I'm in this position, I think I told you

this before I had Bernie, but like whether it works out with Bernie or not, it's lose lose. I want to kind of show you the other side of what could have been as well, right? The way I see it is, you know, Ace was a little bit more complicated. There was McConaum. She was in a NICU. Like the, there were a lot of things going on to kind of like put a barrier. between you and feeling like, okay, fine, like let's try breastfeeding, right? But I also feel like in many ways, having gone what I went through with a really rough postpartum, I felt like you bounced back physically a lot faster than me, and then you were able to have Bernie much sooner.

I want to validate everything you're feeling and the guilt of all of that. And I'm sorry that you're feeling that way, but in many ways, there is an envy that I feel that you seem to have bounced back a lot faster than me and we're ready for a second. Whereas I am like, you know, 18 months out and not even in the realm of thinking it because I still feel very broken. And I do wonder if it's like if it had gone differently when Ace, maybe Bernie wouldn't be here immediately right now, you know? I really hate that you're saying that from the perspective of your struggle, but I will just say like, I feel like you always. always this is like your magic like you always do find a way to like like spin things to be like more positive and that's probably why I'm so annoying to you because like you're so you just oh like

that is so nice and like I never would have thought of that because you know I am really upset about it but just for you to give me like a positive takeaway is really helpful things happen the way they did yeah I can't change it and and by the way I also want to let you know that when I had my baby and he was on formula for a week. I had bought an entire year of formula because I thought that I was not going to be able to breastfeed, right? And I think very highly of breastfeeding, but I also think very highly of formula. I do too. And so it's like for me, the way I see your situation is that Ace got the best version of you. Yeah. The mentally strong version of you. maybe not for a little bit when you're going through your anxiety.

I feel like it really just worked out. And that's for me, like, standing over here, right? Obviously, like, you, you know, you will process that guilt and you will process that pain. But Bernie is here because of all the cards that played out in the last, like, two years. And one of those cards that played out was you having ace the way you had ace and getting the sleep that you needed and her being on formula. everyone being able to help and you getting. Yeah, you're right. So it's like it all worked out the way you needed to work out.

Thank you. And I don't want to be in any kind of place where I'm shaming the formula journey because that is like the opposite of how I feel. Yeah, you and I definitely don't feel that way. I'm so grateful for it. And I literally fucking hate the people online that trash formula. Like I think they're monsters. Yeah, they're crazy.

Yeah. Like, and I also, I don't think like I love breastfeeding and I love that it's like all the benefits they say. but I don't think breast milk is like walks on water and is like liquid gold. Like I think it's wonderful, but I'm not like, oh my God, this is the most. It's not whatever. It's just a journey. It's just a different journey.

It's just whatever you choose is fine. It's just a different journey. And also seeing how hard it is. I am low key like, oh yeah, I guess maybe it was good that I did formula. I think so. Formula does make it a lot easier on a lot, in a lot of ways and whatever. So I just, I want to be very clear that I do support both. I think I'm, I feel jipped that I didn't get the option.

And I didn't get to make my own choice. Yeah. And it just was like a disaster. But thank you for having a positive spin on it. That really is helpful to hear. Yeah. It's a lot. But you look great.

Thanks. I don't want to speak too soon, but like, you seem better. You think? Better than what? Yes. The first time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You seem like, okay, I know how to do this. Well, it's not that like life explosion the first, like it is the first time because it's like you know what you're, it's not you know what you're doing because I never know what I'm doing, but you've had this experience before. So you're not becoming a new person. Is it true what they say where it's like, oh, I got this? Like you do feel. No, I don't feel like that. I don't. Yeah. I'm not like, oh, I'm so good at this now. Like, not at all. I just feel. I don't even, I still don't feel that way.

Hell no. Like every time. Who could feel that way? That's crazy. He hits a new age. I'm like, was I ready for, I don't know what to do. No. His favorite person's Bobby.

Like, this is a problem. That's for another episode. That's a whole episode. Okay. That was crazy. Your lifestyle isn't changing completely with a second baby because this is already your lifestyle. I think what I said is like, I've said this before, but like for my experience,

zero to one is like you learn a whole new operating. system one to two is like you already know the operating system it's just like way more hard it's way harder now because you're juggling two kids which I still don't understand by the way I don't understand how to take care of two kids at once alone I don't think anyone should I mean I know that people do and because they don't have an option I just feel as though like it is very unnatural for one person to ever take care of two very young babies without like five people to help at all times so So shout out. If you're doing that, shout out to you. I think you are an Avenger. No, my sister did it with no help. And I'm just sitting here. I'm like, I don't, I lack. I actually don't understand. And it's so funny. Because so I was having Jenna come over in the afternoon so that I could have like a helper, right? And she came. And I suddenly go, she's got this.

Yeah. Jenna can actually come over for like two or three hours and handle them both. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't understand. I would never say this. to her face because it's too nice, but it's like she's an amazing mom. But you're also in postpartum. Yes. I'm disabled. I'm disabled. Someone who is not in postpartum. Who has the energy, who has the sleep, who has all of these things. And that's why moms need help because moms, we're not operating on proper sleep. We're not operating on full energy. We're probably still anemic. And I'm like, I need to go change my diaper every 30 minutes. It's like there is so much, you're right. That's sort of how I felt too. Like when I, when like my best friend had a baby or when when she has two now where I'm just like, oh, I can handle her kid all day long and have a blast.

And that's because I was not postpartum. I see. You know, like you have the energy. Yeah, I'm just normal me, right? So I would give yourself a little bit of grace there because I think you're still very much in the thick of it. And I think you're doing great. Thank you. And I think Bernie is such a cutie pie.

I know. An Ace is talking. I think I told you she's like, I was in the bath. She walked in. She's like, Mama out. I'm like, okay, I'll get out. Wow. Sure thing.

Okay, so we're going to end this episode and carry the rest of it over on the Patreon. So this would be a really good day to join the Patreon because we're taking questions from the slugs. And yeah, I don't know. I feel very overwhelmed. Like, I don't even know how to land this plane right now. I'm just, I'm really happy to be back. Well, first, congratulations. be back. Huge congratulations. I can't believe your. Thank you guys. My little P has two babies.

Thank you so much to everyone on this show's support during my fucking pregnancy. Where I was a bitch, I was miserable. So thank you guys for the extra support. So much more to discuss next week. I want to hear all about Hawaii too and everything. And we're going to start talking on the Patreon. You guys join us there at patreon.com slash trash Tuesday podcast. We'll see you guys there and or we'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Thanks, guys. We're going to be.