Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Heather MacMahan is Our House Bunny
Episode Date: July 15, 2025JOIN THE WEIRDEST PATREON EVER: https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast Heather MacMahan is here this week and my god, we love this woman. Heather, Khalyla, Esther and Jules talk sororities..., pubes, ms. piggy, surf camp, diet coke & so much more. yall- this woman contains multitudes and we had the time of our goddamn lives gabbin w her. Thank You to Our Sponsor(s): HELIX - Go to https://www.helixsleep.com/trashtuesday for 27% Off Sitewide June 13, 2025 → July 31, 2025 BETTERHELP - Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://www.betterhelp.com/trashtuesday Esther's Tour Dates! - @EstherPTouring | Linktree *Listen to Esther's New Solo Pod!* https://www.esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com*Visit Ebb Ocean Club & Holiday Shop* https://www.ebboceanclub.com/for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products! FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesdayTiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday MORE ESTHER:TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonsterInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/ MORE KHALYLA:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A PRODUCTION:Production Team: Tiny Legends, LLC: https://www.instagram.com/tinylegends.prod/Stella Young: https://www.instagram.com/estellayoung/Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/Edited By:Arielle Jade: https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/
Transcript
Discussion (0)
This podcast is sponsored by skims. There are three things I always consider and I prioritize when purchasing
anything that touches my skin and that is is it comfortable is it supportive and
Do I feel cute in it and before skims like underwear was sort of just this afterthought
What I actually wear under my shirt under my jeans really sort of like dictates and defines how I feel about myself for the rest of the day. Life hack if you want to
feel cute outside of what you're wearing, make sure that you're choosing
comfortable underwear that you still feel cute in. Take my word for it, the
scoop bralette from the fits everybody collection, it is so flattering, so
supportive, so cute go
get you a couple colors I have them in all colors and I swear by them and you
will too shop my favorite bras and underwear at skims.com and after you
place your order be sure to let them know we sent you you can select podcasts
in the survey and be sure to select our show, Trash Tuesday,
in the dropdown menu that follows.
Jules, how was Hawaii?
It was so fun.
Why?
I was just like surfing and just like,
it was free diving all the time.
You know how to do that?
Yeah, I think Alaila taught me.
Surfing, Aloha taught me.
You can do it?
I'm okay with it.
That's what I'm learning every day.
I wanna be good at it.
Have you ever surfed?
I actually used to go to surf camp every summer.
What?
Oh yeah, girl, I used to shred the NAR.
I used to go to a surf camp in San Diego
for about five summers when I was in junior high
to high school, it was called Pasquit Surf Camp.
And Izzy Pasquits ran the camp,
and we used to hang out in a trailer park
in San Diego in Mission Bay,
with Rob Muchato and Kelly Slater,
and I was this preppy kid from Atlanta,
and I would just fly to California every summer
and go to Surf Camp.
I would go to theater camp and Surf Camp.
And then I would play golf competitively.
I have a real jack of all trades.
I don't understand, were you one day the kid that woke up and was like, I wanna surf.
Blue crush came out.
Yeah, I was landlocked in Atlanta.
Blue crush came out, my parents took me to Hawaii.
We went to Oahu and I was like, this is it.
This is my destiny.
And I found a surf camp and my best friend and I went.
And I was actually pretty decent.
I can only longboard.
I also haven't been on a surfboard in years.
But I had the time of my life.
It was like the most fun experience. Could you pick up a surfboard in years, but I had the time of my life. It was like the most fun experience.
Could you pick up a surfboard today?
Yeah, I mean, I probably,
I feel like once you do it, you can do it.
I couldn't translate it to like all board sports,
terrible skateboarder,
but yeah, I could probably get up on a board.
Shout out to our golden slug, Brandon.
Kaila, we have a Patreon.
We do have a Patreon.
We have a spanking brand new video.
It's a juicy, well, everything on there is juicy.
I know.
We love our Patreon because we get to be ourselves
and connect with the listeners a little more better.
We'll see you guys at the link below.
Don't forget to check out the hater tier.
You guys, I finally announced my tour,
the Pretty Little Baby Tour, and you can get at prettylittlebabytour.com I'm
coming to Madison, Wisconsin, Denver, Seattle, Olympia, Washington, Portland, New
York, Philadelphia, Boston and more. You can check out the links get tickets at
prettylittlebabytour.com I can't wait to see you guys.
Kaila how was Hawaii? It was great she was there with me. I know you guys. Kaila, how was Hawaii? It was great. She was there with me. I know.
You guys both look a shade darker.
Really?
Yeah.
She's a, yeah.
She's surfing every day.
We're water girlies.
I'm a Pisces.
I'm very water girlie.
Are you like super into the ocean?
Very into the ocean.
I need to be by the ocean.
I was just telling the gals I used to go to surf camp growing up.
Yes.
And I'm from like landlocked Atlanta, Georgia, but I would, I would shred the gnar every summer.
That was my favorite.
I would go to the beach every summer.
I would go to the beach every summer.
I would go to the beach every summer.
I would go to the beach every summer.
I would go to the beach every summer. I would go to the beach every summer. I would go to the beach every summer. I would go to the beach every summer. I would go to the by the ocean. I was just telling the gals I used to go to surf camp growing up, yes. And I'm from like landlocked Atlanta, Georgia,
but I would shred the gnar every summer.
That was my thing for the whole summer.
Oh my God, you hear that?
She shreds the gnar.
I feel so like I'm in the wrong place.
Like I can't swim.
The thought of- You can't swim?
No, the thought of getting on a surfboard
is like instant death to me.
I don't, I just, it's something I don't understand.
Like when people look at me and they're like,
I don't know how you do stand up comedy.
I'm like, are you, it's on land, it's simple.
But like water stuff is like, we're not supposed to do that.
Now is it like, really can't swim?
Yeah. Like we wouldn't survive?
Correct.
Wow, so we're on, we're going out for a leisure,
you know, paddle boarding situation.
We must have a life jacket on.
Oh, for sure.
She's in fluorescence, fluorescence.
Wow.
We gotta find her floating body.
By the way, it'd be very tricky to even get me
on the paddle board because just knowing
that I could fall in, she's bad company on a paddle board.
Yeah.
You wouldn't want her in front,
I'd rather have your three Frenchies.
Yeah, okay, okay.
Well, and I love the videos of the bulldogs
or the Frenchies on the surfboard tandem surfing. I could never do that with mine, but that's the dream. To be on a surfboard with my dogs, okay. Well, and I love the videos of like the Bulldogs or the Frenchies like on the surfboard, tandem surfing.
I could never do that with mine, but that's the dream.
Like to be on a surfboard with my dogs.
I'm like, bring it.
Well, with the Frenchies, they're like snub-nosed.
They could drown easy and they're big chested.
Yeah.
You know, they just, they're-
They're divas.
That's what it is.
We too, guys.
So first of all, let's welcome our guest, Heather McMahon.
Hi guys.
How are you doing?
Thanks for having me.
Literally an icon in comedy.
We've been trying to get her since the day
we started this podcast.
I watch her podcast every week.
It's called Absolutely Not.
So sweet.
Are you on tour?
You're taking time off right now?
I take the summers off.
You know what I mean?
Because my audience, my gals are on vacation
or their kids are at camp or they're at their lake house.
So I take the summers off.
I'm not trying to sweat and tell jokes.
I'm exhausted.
That's the way to live though.
It's like, I feel like everybody that I've met in comedy
so far, they don't know how to take a vacation
unless it's mixed with work.
And I dated a comic for 10 years and it's like,
well, I'll only go to that place you wanna go
if there's work for me there.
And I'm like, can we just like lay around like bums?
Can't we go to Ibiza and just have some paella
and some white wine and shut the fuck up?
I did bad things in Ibiza.
Well, yeah.
What did you do there and when?
Same in Barcelona, I got anal all day.
Stop saying that on this podcast.
But it's the truth, I got anal.
Those Spanish boys just like don't ask
and they just enter.
Europeans do love to enter.
They love to enter.
Jules, have you ever had anal against your will?
No, I've never tried, but I heard ethicalized stories about Ibiza and I want to have a threesome there.
Oh my god. With a guy and a girl?
Either. Boy boy or girl girl or boy girl.
Okay. Boy boy is too much, I'm going to tell you that.
Have you tried? I have no interest, it's just too many dicks. I've done boy boy.
And I lived with boy boy for a couple years.
And it's not too many dicks, it's too many emotions.
Really?
More than a girl girl?
Yeah, the feelings are there,
they get weird with each other.
The jealousy.
It's not even too many dicks,
the amount of dicks can go up.
It's the feelings involved that get a little bit like,
okay, like I can't handle what's going on there.
Why don't you just kiss?
Why don't you just kiss?
Just kiss, guys.
Have they kissed?
They never kissed.
They didn't even really like it.
They tolerated each other.
Anyways, this is my niece, Jewel.
She's our resident.
I'm so glad family's here.
I'm really breaking this down.
And this is what I love about this show,
is that we incorporate family
and really teach you the ways of the world, so welcome.
She's our resident girl that doesn't wanna be here.
I love that, everybody needs one.
Yeah.
Yeah, good for you.
So this is the first time we're recording
after like a really long break.
All of June, they were in Hawaii
and I was shooting a horror film.
And I realized something on this
when I was working with like normal people.
I mean, I guess actresses aren't normal,
but they're like normal compared to comedians, I think.
Yeah.
I realized that I have something.
I've officially clinically diagnosed myself
with podcast personality.
Oh, interesting.
Tell me more.
They would just say something like,
oh, I really like these oranges from Air 1.
And I, it was like my instinct to have a major,
huge reaction to anything everyone said.
I'd be like, that's crazy.
And people were like, Esther, like calm down.
But I, and then I'm like, I will end home then.
I'm like, oh no, this is podcast personality.
Because we're like, you're trained to have-
Use my code, oranges, 15 for 15% off.
But it's like, after doing podcasts for so long,
it's like, because you can't just have a non-reaction.
You have to choose one big direction.
And I do that with every-
It's so true.
And it's like, you're trained to fear dead air,
so then you can't just listen to someone,
you have to add information and now oranges are,
we're talking about-
Comquat, candor, we're going through the whole list.
You're so right.
I think this is why I've been a hermit.
I don't like to socialize as much
because I'm afraid of being that person.
I was just annoying as fuck to be around.
Thankfully, I also, on this job, was the first time
that I just had no energy to have a fake personality.
So I was just exactly myself,
and I feel like it actually went well.
People were enjoying it.
Just me being annoying and being free about it.
Free, telling people you can't swim.
Do you feel like you have podcast personality?
I'm sure, it's also too, I feel like,
in order to even keep the ball,
there's so many balls in the air, right, in this business.
It's just kind of like all day you're on,
and I have realized, this is why I take
two months off in the summer,
because I'm so overstimulated,
I've just become a raging cunt to everybody in my family,
my poor husband.
I have to shut down.
And I'm a very extroverted, by nature, social person.
I want to go to dinners, I want to chit chat,
I'm not quiet backstage, I want to be social.
But now I'm being on the road and then podcasting all day
and doing this, and just being elevated with your cortisol
and high all day.
I come home and I'm like, I don't even want to,
I only listen to cocktail jazz.
I can't even listen to Top 40 anymore.
I listen to cocktail jazz, I listen to Basanova Mornings.
Like I have to be quiet and I've turned in kind of a shell
of a human because it's too much.
And I gotta get, Sela's gotta get her groove back
and that's why she's going to Mallorca.
You know?
Are you really going to Mallorca?
I'm going to Mallorca and I'm doing,
I'm going all over Portugal.
Portugal too?
Yeah, I'm pumped.
God, that's where the boys like me.
Oh, you do?
See, they like me in Italy,
and my husband and I usually go to Italy every summer,
but we're switching it up this year.
We're being crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I really get dicked down in Italy.
Even before I met my husband.
Really?
Yeah, oh, when I studied abroad.
What do you think it is about Italians and you?
They like curves, they like big titties, they love blonde.
And yeah, and when you have sex with an Italian Italian,
they love to smoke like a Marlboro Red afterwards.
And they love watching American shows.
So you're like Finnish, you have a Marlboro Red,
and you're like, you know, you're ripping heaters
and you're watching the Simpsons.
And you're like, this is great.
And then you get like Cacciopeppe at the end.
It's just great, it's fun.
Do they have big dicks? Uncircum. It's just great, it's fun. Yeah.
Do they have big dicks?
Uncircumcised, you know, it runs a gamut.
It's not just like you can culturally say
that Italians have one size.
I'm into the uncuts.
Give me an uncut.
It doesn't bother me.
Because jerking off an uncut is so easy.
Why?
I could do it from all the way over here.
Why?
Half asleep.
Because the skin acts as a hand already.
So you don't have to just slave away, you know, sorry.
We're gonna demonetize on YouTube.
You're not gonna, you're just, it's the easiest thing.
The pocket is there for them.
They have a built-in flesh line.
I would literally think that, yeah,
they have a built-in flesh line.
It is an extra layer of, you know, friction.
Less work, baby.
I don't mean this in an offensive way,
but I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah.
I don't know, it's so weird.
Yeah, really.
I come from a Filipino culture
where uncut is very looked down upon.
Oh, really? And they call you,
you're humiliated as a child.
I wanna be supportive of it,
because I think that the trend is gonna swing back
where people should stop getting cut.
I think so too.
I think it's mutilation without consent.
Agreed.
I used to be one of those people
because I'm from the Philippines where I'm like,
ooh, PUE, like, if you have foreskin,
like, get out of my face, but not anymore.
I've changed, I've grown.
You listen, we all gotta grow.
You get to dig down in. I'm about to have a Diet Coke.
Wait, what is it about Diet Cokes?
Cause she's entered a Diet Coke.
Are you back on it?
No, I've never tried it before,
but then I'm living with-
How old are you?
23.
23, you never had a DC?
No, never.
Wait, you've never had it now?
I just started it like this January
because I started living with Tito Bobby
and then he has like a lot of diet cokes.
I decided to try it and now I'm addicted to it.
Now she's stealing everyone's Diet Cokes.
Everyone, like even Tiger Bellies.
In all the fridges everywhere in America.
Just only limit yourself to like two or three a day
because then next thing you know,
you're buying a 12 pack, you've had 12 Diet Cokes,
like it's bad.
My dad, I'm pretty sure, he died of pancreatic cancer,
but I'm 99% sure he died of Diet Coke.
Like he would literally be the guy
who would drink like 12 a day.
And I'm like, yeah, that much aspartame will kill you.
I don't care what anybody says.
So I gave him up after my dad passed.
I was like, I'll never touch Diet Coke.
So I went 10 hard years without it.
And then I was on set one day and I was like,
if I have an iced coffee at three o'clock in the afternoon,
I'm gonna shit myself.
So I was like, let's ease into the caffeine.
I got a DC and now I'm back.
I'll have four of these and I'm not happy about it.
Isn't Coke Zero better than Diet Coke?
No, flavor wise, yes, I agree, I think so.
But it's a European Coke Zero.
I also think a Coca Light.
Coca Light, oh my God.
European Diet Coke is totally different.
No one knows about Coca Light.
It's the EU's version of Diet Coke
and it's a different sweetener.
It's a different sweetener.
In the Philippines, it's not Coca Light,
it's just Coke Light.
Yeah.
And it is tastier.
You can have 45 and run a marathon and just like,
but never feel shitty.
And your teeth stay white.
It's just like, it's a vibe.
You know what days I'm really longing for
is back before I knew about like cortisol spikes
and like just ruining your guts and intestines
is the days like five years ago when I would wake up, do a long walk to a coffee shop,
get a giant black iced coffee, drink the whole thing
and just fucking be on fire all day.
Rage all day.
Rage out against my family.
Yeah.
Lately I've been like longing for that feeling
cause now it's like oh when you first wake up
you have to have food in your stomach
and I'm avoiding coffee because of anxiety.
I just feel like I'm a fucking loser now.
I feel like I've become a pussy ass bitch.
And I feel that way because I can't have,
I have to have 30 grams of protein,
cannot have any sort of caffeine
before I have the protein in my stomach,
or I'll be sweating and the adrenals,
I'm on the same journey as you, I get it.
I can't even eat meat unless there is a four hour gap
between eating meat and falling asleep.
Or else I just get the meat sweats all night.
But then you, your age, my God,
did I just rage, rage, rage,
and it stopped at halt, like screeching halt
at 32 when I started shitting blood.
And I was like, okay, then.
Is there really that big of a difference in our bodies
between this age and our age?
I didn't think so.
I was in denial
until I saw the blood in my shit.
I was like, oh, okay, I need to slow down.
Yeah.
Stella, what do you mean, yeah, there is?
Okay, well, when I was younger,
once I ate a full casserole to myself when I was like 23.
The joy.
And I can't do that now.
You can, let power through, Stella.
Please, anyone can.
Buckle down.
Yeah, be brave.
You'll just be so swollen that you can't get
any of your jewelry off, even like a loose fitting necklace.
You'll have like a bobble necklace like stuck
at your throat.
That's my thing is I have to watch
and I'm a, I'm a Malden seesaw girl.
I'm putting salt on everything, but like I literally,
I got a lymphatic drainage massage yesterday
cause from flying I can't get any of my jewelry off
and I just had surgery so I have to be like,
you know, deflate, deflate.
And it's just like, when did we, it become like,
I can't even look at something semi salty
without my face blowing up.
What is your next surgery that you had to have?
Oh my God, you guys, this was self-inflicted.
I got a deep plane necklip at Christmas
and my doctor went a little too conservative
so we had to do it again.
Wait, what's a deep plane necklip?
That's basically like what I want.
Yeah, you don't need it.
Not yet? No, not yet.
I thought you were supposed to get it when you're not,
you haven't hit the maximum yet.
I basically, after like, you know, editing to specials,
I was like, ah, this has gotta,
I gotta tighten up the neck.
So they went in, they basically like,
just like tighten up your neck.
And then my doctor was like, went too conservative.
He's like, you're on camera.
I didn't want to go full.
I was like, no, no, no.
So I ended up with like, just like this little fat pad. And so we had to go in there and do it again., I didn't wanna go full. I was like, no, no, no. So I ended up with just this little fat pad
and so we had to go in there and do it again.
So I'm really, really swollen
and every day at four o'clock I look like Quagmire.
Like my jaw drops, so I should not be at work right now.
What's the downtime for?
The first time was pretty gnarly.
I mean, if you can hide for a month, you should.
And healing is really linear.
That's the thing, is nobody tells you and you don't need to do anything, you're beautiful, a month, you should. And healing is really linear. That's the thing is nobody tells you
and you don't need to do anything,
you're beautiful, never change anything about yourself.
Don't listen to the people that leave comments
on Reddit about your face, okay?
You're beautiful.
It was gnarly, but,
because they cut in front of your ears,
then behind your ears, and then under here.
And they kind of like scoop everything up.
Again, nothing was done to my face.
My face, I was like, is perfect.
I was like, don't touch it.
It was just tightening this up.
But I had to get it done basically twice.
And so I got a new hour of comedy out of it,
but I just never thought that I'd have to get up
and be like, let me tell you about my three times
I had to get plastic surgery on the same spot.
Like, you know, you hear about,
I've done IVF a ton and it didn't take.
You never hear about getting lipo to your neck and it doesn't take. You know what you hear about like, I've done IVF a ton and it didn't take. You never hear about getting like lipo to your neck
and it doesn't take.
You know what I mean?
Like who gets, whose plastic surgery doesn't take?
Mine, so that's where I'm at.
And I never thought I'd be that person.
But I did it.
You look perfect.
You do look great.
I had breast implants,
woke up with double Ds and hated them.
Really?
I had asked for Cs, woke up with Ds
because he went the opposite of conservative.
He was like, I think she wants this.
Yeah.
Woke up and I was like, what the fuck are these?
And I took him out within a year and a half.
You know, we get to that age, I turned 38
and it was just like simple things.
Or I was like, I don't wanna stare at this anymore.
I'm gonna tweak, you know?
Yeah.
I'm gonna tweak.
So I went back to my same doctor for the revision
because he's a great doctor and he was like,
let me fix it, right?
But I just got a second opinion from this guy here in LA.
He has been confusing me with another comedian
and keeps texting me as if I am that comedian
and I've tried to tell him.
Like we did a FaceTime where we like FaceTimed,
he saw my face, we had a consultation.
He said, no, you actually had great work done.
He was just a little too conservative. I think you should go back to your original doctor
to fix it.
That's what he originally said.
And then he sent me a sheet, like the price.
This guy wanted to charge me $133,000.
For what?
To touch my neck.
And he keeps texting me as if I am another comedian
who I won't say their name.
And I'm like, this is breaking hip.
Now I know that this woman is also trying to get it done.
And I responded like, LOL, not her, haha.
And then he keeps standing me like,
when am I gonna see you?
See you're in LA, come on in.
I'm like, no, you're still texting me
as if I'm the other person.
It's really fucked up.
So don't get any work done in LA.
That's all I wanna say.
Because you guys mixed up.
I know I'm like, your whole job is to look at faces
and you can't have no facial recognition with my face.
You're gonna wake up with more tits.
I'm gonna end up with a boob on my fucking forehead
at this point.
They're all getting it done.
I heard that you said that 2025
is the year of Miss Piggy personality.
So I got really addicted to Miss Piggy last year.
What do you mean?
Well, I was on ox's after my first neck situation.
Again, never do Oxy's.
And I would buy stuff on Etsy.
I found out what Etsy was and it changed my life.
And I've always loved Miss Piggy
because she and I have the exact same personality on stage.
I'm always in feathers and diamonds
and I love really glam girl.
And I love that Kermit follows her around.
My husband's my biggest fan.
And I just love her.
Everything about Miss Piggy is fucking hysterical.
After my surgery, I'd buy all this Miss Piggy stuff
and it just started, memorabilia started showing up
at my house, forgot I had bought any of it,
and now she's really having a moment.
Like Amy Poehler recently was talking about Miss Piggy,
like Miss Piggy is that girl.
Look at her, she's fucking fierce.
Like that's me at the Emmys.
Like go all the way up, see she's got the microphone with the blown out hair.
That's me at the Emmys.
Like you can't tell me that that's not me.
We both have a nice strong chin.
I have the same blowout.
Like that's my girl.
That is my girl.
She's so cute.
What do you imagine she's doing in her downtime
when she's not on the red carpet?
She's also getting work done.
Podcasting.
No, she's absolutely not podcasting.
She's screaming at Kermit.
Do you think Italian men like her?
Oh my, she absolutely has 16 Italian boyfriends
and Kermit looks the other way, yeah.
Of course.
But she goes to classy places like the island of Ischia
or she does a Malfi, but she wouldn't dare see her
in Capri, you know?
She's like, that's for twice.
Okay, this is gonna sound a little bit like
Jules not having had Diet Coke,
but I at 37 for the first time in my life
watched a medical drama.
Have you guys ever watched one?
Which one did you watch?
I watched The Pit.
Great job.
Oh yeah.
We're happy they casted some Filipinos,
so keep going.
I'm changed forever by this.
Have you guys watched medical dramas before?
Yeah, I was a big ER.
Same.
Yeah.
Have you watched The Pit?
No.
I just started The Pit and I'm obsessed.
You were big on Grey's.
Grey's Anatomy.
She was huge Grey's Anatomy.
So that was a big thing in the sorority house.
Everybody would watch Grey's
and I remember being so cynical about Grey's.
I was like, this is the dumbest fucking show.
Shawna, please put me in another show.
But I just could never get in touch with Grey's. It was like, this is the dumbest fucking show. Shawna, please put me in another show. But like, I just could never get in touch with Grey's.
It was too much of the relationships.
I wanted to see like the actual limbs flying off.
And that's why I like the pit.
The pit's like you're in it.
The pit is so good,
but I don't understand how it's so gory.
Like how do you stomach that?
I think now that I've had plastic surgery.
When you have a drain coming out of your throat,
you just figure it out. And I was never like that. I don't like medical. When you have a drain coming out of your throat, you just figure it out.
And I was never like that.
I don't like medical things.
I have a queasy stomach.
But I think now I'm like, oh shit, okay, I could handle it.
I'm like, is this part of what gets you hooked
into a medical drama is like
that you'll just be watching a conversation
and it cuts to like someone being ripped open.
Like it's so freaky.
Like it's a roller coaster.
My favorite show was not even a medical drama,
it was real life.
There used to be a show called Mystery Diagnosis.
The best.
Wasn't it the best ever?
The best, yes.
I don't think I've missed a single episode.
So basically, Mystery Diagnosis,
I don't know, what channel was it on?
It was like on.
Wasn't that out on Netflix?
Like a couple, it's not an old show.
Well it was, it was I think Netflix.
And then they redid it.
Yeah, they redid it.
Yes, yes, you're right.
So basically, it's like they present this person
with this thing and their journey to finding out
exactly what it is, and it's always some very, very
rare, rare thing.
But they only reveal it at the end, but it's so good.
You would have loved this.
You would have loved this.
Yeah, it sounds really good to me.
They did a reboot of this on Netflix.
It may not be mystery diagnosis, it's something similar.
And basically this woman had a New York Times article
and people would write in about their issues
and then she would put it up out to her audience.
She would crowdsource it.
Crowdsource it. Yeah.
And then they would figure out
what was wrong with these people. That show was great.
Yep, and they would help little kids with,
my daughter is three and she has 200 seizures a day,
and she would crowdsource it and be like,
hey, what do you guys, give me your best guesses,
and then they would narrow it down
and figure out and help families that way.
But it's frustrating to me that that's what's necessary
to diagnose someone, a crowdsource of 200 strangers. For something very rare
it makes sense because there isn't a lot of literature to imagine if it was like only three
people in the world had it. Like you don't have a specific doctor for that one thing so you would
almost have to find another family who has that same thing and what they've done and sort of work
together.
I will say the Pitt is giving me more faith in doctors
because it's like, oh, they do know stuff.
Because I feel like my experience with doctors
is usually like, they're just guessing.
They're Googling, they just act so fucking dumb around me.
But what I'm seeing on the TV version,
I'm like, okay, maybe they do care. Like maybe they did study and memorize a few things.
But my doctors, never.
I don't, they're, they don't, they don't like me.
They don't like you.
And I don't like them.
It's mutual.
So I go in with a boner.
I'm like, I have a short, my buddy is a cardiologist,
like Heather, you do the research.
And I'm not a type A, but I've had,
I've had so many medical mysteries myself that I have a short white coat
is what they call it.
They're like, you could literally be a doctor.
I mean, I could look at you,
you could tell me your three ailments.
I'm like, let's go, I know exactly what you have.
Well, I do believe.
I can smell it.
Let me get a whiff of that breath,
and I'm like, you got a kidney stone.
I swear to God.
Wait, you're like that woman who can
smell Parkinson's on people.
Oh, yeah, I'll tell ya.
Yeah, I can smell.
Six cents.
I swear to God.
I had an ovarian cyst rupture on an airplane,
and I had an ovarian tors,
like my ovary flipped upside down,
and the cyst exploded on an international flight.
And after that happened,
and I had been misdiagnosed twice by one of my doctors,
it was like, fuck this, I'm gonna figure it out.
So now I'm like, I know what's going on.
You got any ailments?
You got anything you wanna talk about?
She's constipated, chronically.
I'm gonna tell you what you gotta get.
Dude, change my life.
All right, they're on TikTok, I thought it was bullshit.
You gotta get one of those vibrating lymphatic plates.
Have you seen those?
Yeah.
I literally was like, this is bullshit, I got one.
Dude, and people have warned me,
they're like, if you get on one of those, you're gonna shit for got one. Dude, and people have warned me, they're like,
if you get on one of those, you're gonna shit for three days.
Wildest shit of my life.
If you have problems shitting, you need to take papaya,
you need to get on that, you need to do some
Armour Colostrum, I swear to God, not sponsored,
that shit works, and you need to get on that vibration plate
for 20 minutes and you will be shittin' immediately.
What'd I tell you about papaya?
She doesn't like papaya.
I just hate fruits and eat.
You can take the seeds, you just need the enzymes. You don't have to eat it.
Yeah. Who hates fruit?
Do you enjoy vegetables?
No.
So what do you eat?
Matcha.
Coffee.
Just matcha.
But matcha makes me shit too. I take it every morning and then it makes me shit.
So when are you not shitting?
I just shit once a week.
Oh.
Once a week. Oh. Once a week.
But recently I've been drinking matcha a lot
so it makes me shit like two times a week
or three times a week.
Okay, so this is interesting.
It's always the thin people that are not shitting.
Because I go to my doctor, my functional medicine,
and they're like, how's your gut?
And I'm like, my gut's fantastic, I'm great.
It's always my thinnest friends
who don't shit for like two weeks.
I don't know what's going on with that
because you hide it well.
No one would know you were constipated.
What do you eat for food?
Like what did you have for dinner yesterday?
Dinner yesterday, wing, wings.
What is it?
Wing stop.
Wing stop.
That should clear you out.
Why were you at wing stop?
It's the best.
Really? It's so good, really? It is good.
It's so good, the garlic parmesan.
Honestly, at 23, I was eating batteries
and just living a big life.
Did you eat the celery that came with it?
No, I don't order it.
No, of course not.
So it's your last day on earth, you're just eating.
What are you eating?
I want pizza, cheesecake.
Oh yeah.
What flavor cheesecake?
Just the- Plain. Plain? Yeah, plain. I don't know, buns yeah. What flavor cheesecake? Just the- Plain.
Plain?
Yeah, plain.
I don't know, pancit.
What's that?
It's like a Filipino chow mein.
It's like our noodles.
Oh. Yeah.
What kind of meats in it?
There's just pork.
Liver.
Sometimes they throw liver in there.
Yeah, liver.
Wow.
Excited to try.
Definitely want to, I do want to try.
Matcha.
Okay.
Matcha cheesecake.
Oh. I like that. Fucking making matcha pancit too. Okay, match wanna, I do wanna try. Matcha. Okay. Matcha cheesecake. Oh.
Fucking making matcha puns it too.
Okay, matcha, matcha, everything.
Throw matcha all over it.
Why is matcha like taking over the world?
I feel so good.
I learned something new today about matcha.
What?
It actually inhibits iron absorption,
so all these hot girls with matcha are gonna go bald soon.
Fuck yes.
It's about fucking time.
Cause I'm down in neutrophil like a bitch.
And I don't fuck with matcha.
I had a matcha from Alfred's
and I thought my heart was gonna explode.
And then the barista, I was like, dude, I feel cracked out.
My friend was like, yeah, it has way more caffeine,
I guess, than coffee.
And if you're a regular coffee drinker,
we're used to like how the coffee high is.
But matcha like is steady all day. Like you feel like you took a regular coffee drinker, we're used to how the coffee high is. But Matcha is steady all day.
You feel like you took a five ounce.
Yeah, but with me, I can drink Matcha
and I can sleep after five minutes.
Because you're overloaded.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you have no more iron, so you're passing away.
That's probably why I'm also really tired.
You're actually dead right now.
Oh my god.
Yeah.
Are you drinking water?
No, she also does not drink water.
A little bit.
Isn't that wild in our youth?
We just did not drink water.
I know, I just wanna be young so bad.
Not for the looks, I just wanna abuse my body.
I would live off like one blue Powerade a week at college
because I was so hungover.
And I would eat fried food at my sorority house
and I had never looked better.
Like what happened?
Being in a sorority is so foreign to me.
I hear you.
What's that like?
So it's very interesting.
I went to a very Southern school.
I went to the University of Mississippi.
So I want you to think like peak sorority.
I had a wonderfully positive experience.
You know, they made that documentary
that was like showing how, what was it on HBO,
how like evil the Alabama sorority girls are.
Maybe at Alabama it's a totally different situation.
I fucking thrived.
I showed up at this house and we were the home chapter.
So I was at Delta Gamma.
Delta Gamma was founded at the University of Mississippi.
So it was like how the fuck I got in, I don't know.
And I was not from Mississippi,
so the fact that they let a girl from Georgia in
was like a big fucking deal.
And they gave me gifts, I had all these new friends.
We did philanthropy.
We would party our asses off.
It was the fucking best.
It was just like, we lived in this giant house on campus.
I truly had a great experience.
So when I hear horror stories, I'm like, that did not happen.
I was never hazed.
I wouldn't have let, I would have never joined a club
if somebody was like going to fuck with me.
I would have been like, fuck you, that's not happening.
Did you make like friends for life?
Oh yeah, in the bonds.
I TP'd it. Really?
Yeah, absolutely, anchor up.
Oh yeah, my girls are like my best friends forever.
Do you have like a big group text?
Yeah, we have a big group text.
I was just on the cover of the national,
this is so embarrassing, it's called the Anchora, cause Delta Gamma, the anchor is our symbol, so they put me on like the national, this is so embarrassing, it's called the Angkorah,
because delta gamma, the anchor is our symbol,
so they put me on the national magazine,
and my girls were so happy for my home chapter.
They're like, girl, we just got your face in the mail.
You did a lot of cool things, you played Radio City,
but you're on the cover of the Sorority national magazine.
Like that was the biggest thing I've ever accomplished.
I was also in a sorority, and it taught me.
Wow, it doesn't show.
Yeah. Wow, Stella, really, this is shocking to me. Where were you in a sorority and it taught me. Wow it doesn't show.
Wow Stella really this is shocking to me. Where were you in a sorority? I was in a sorority
at the College of Worcester in Ohio. It was not a legal sorority and I was hazed.
The guys in the fraternity would get hazed and all my buddies there was one
fraternity that has gotten kicked off campus a billion times where I remember
being like this is stupid why are you in this? It truly was a totally different experience for the girls.
I don't, like, everyone thinks I'm lying.
I'm like, no, I cannot tell you.
I was given gifts, we had the best time.
I mean, yeah, there was like catty drama and bullshit.
But like, you know, if I wanted to smoke a cigarette
at a bar, I'd just sit down and cross my legs.
You know, cause I'm a lady.
But other than that, it was a fucking blast.
I mean, honestly, my retirement plan is to go back
and be like the house mom.
Like, you know what I mean?
I would love that.
Because I have a house in Mississippi in my college town.
I would go back, live in the Delta Gamma house,
teach the women the ways of the world, you know?
Wait, is it true you live in your childhood home?
I do, I live in my childhood home.
Your dream, Esther.
I know.
But it's a lot.
Like, I live in my childhood home, my mom lives with us, we. But it's a lot. Like I live in my childhood home,
my mom lives with us, we live with her,
however you wanna splice it.
And it's amazing, don't get me wrong, it's awesome.
But I'm at the point where I might have a baby soon
and I'm like, I think I need my own space
and then have my mom right down the street.
As someone who just had a baby,
I wish my mom lived in the same room as me.
I thought, oh, for sure, I would want my own space,
but I need her so badly,
and we don't even get along that well.
We fight, it's like this, I tell Jules all the time,
it's summer slam.
We're constantly arguing and fighting,
but I can't, I need her so close,
because I need so much help.
How do you do this?
My thing is right now is my mom is still treating me
like I'm a 13 year old, so I walk in and she's like, you shits in a basket by the stairs.
Figure it out. Take your shit up. Like that kind of stuff where I finally dawned on me.
It doesn't matter like what I do, how much I'm on tour or whatever.
But I'm as soon as I walk back into the house, because it's really like our childhood home
that I am. She reverts back to talking to me like I'm in high school.
And we have a beautiful relationship. And my husband's such a dream.
And my mom's from Boston and he's from New York. And we have a beautiful relationship. And my husband's such a dream.
And my mom's from Boston and he's from New York
so they have their own Yankee language that they speak.
And I'm over here like, I do declare,
why y'all screaming in the kitchen?
But I'm at a moment where I'm like,
I might need a crash pad.
That's just, I also kind of just want to have
my own apartment that nobody knows about
where I'm just, you know, my friend cheese are there,
I'm there, nobody can bother me.
Like.
Is Kermit there or not?
Kermit is absolutely there, we're fucking.
Like I honestly just think I need my own decompression.
Yeah.
Crash pad.
That's what I need.
Let's do what you will with the bananas,
it's just a thing to do.
I like it.
Okay.
I mean, we eat them.
Yeah, we eat them.
Great.
Thank you for eating them.
And then does somebody eventually like
take a still shot of me eating this
and then superimpose their dick?
That hasn't happened yet.
And then they send that to my DMs all day.
Hold on, let me just get a still shot.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
We also wanted to do a Coke test
to see if you guys could tell the difference between.
I would love to do that. This is also good for keeping you regular. Bananas are high in potassium,
magnesium, and selenium, and you should eat more of these, but you don't like it.
It's okay. I'm just eating it because I haven't had breakfast.
Yeah, but this is not a great thing just to have for breakfast. You got to have some fat or protein
with it. Or your blood sugar will spike. Yeah, if you guys served me a little bit of peanut butter
with my banana, I would be more inclined to eat it.
I have a question about peanuts.
What?
Number one, they bloat me.
I love peanuts.
They've never been kind to my belly, never.
And why are they everywhere?
They're not that great for you.
You don't think peanut butter is delicious?
No.
Would you go like a cashew nut butter over a peanut?
I will say peanuts are probably, and as a Georgia girl,
the lowest on the totem pole
when it comes to the nut hierarchy.
I would say you go a salted cashew,
you do a nice pecan.
Pecan, pecan is it?
A salted pecan, nothing better.
Nothing better.
Maybe a hazelnut after that, a Brazilian nut,
and then peanut.
I think cashew is my favorite nut,
but when it comes to butters, it's peanut butter.
It's like the gold standard.
It's so fucking good.
What's your brand?
Thank you for asking.
Santa Cruz Organic Dark Roasted Creamy.
And don't get the one that says no stir okay it looks
really similar don't get it what's the one that's similar in Walmart Smucker's
organic dark roasted creamy is actually the same peanut butter as the Santa
Cruz organic because it's like they're owned by the same company so it's like
literally from the same vat but in different labels thank you for asking thank you do you could you eat a jar of peanut butter of the
spoon I could if it's Jeff I could eat the whole jar in 30 seconds Jeff is like
toxic poisons like heroin crack it's just sugar it's sugar peanut butter it's
the perfect it's like a mousse consistency it's like gelato it's so
good but just regular like the healthy kind that I try to stick to religiously perfect, it's like a mousse consistency. It's like gelato, it's so good.
But just regular, like the healthy kind
that I try to stick to religiously,
no it would be too, it's like too dry.
But Jif, like my mouth is watering.
Like that's, there's, when I first moved to LA
and like had no money and like nothing,
I would just like eat the Jif jars
because it was like so satisfying.
Did you ever do like fluffernutter sandwiches?
No.
With the fluffernutters.
Fluffernutters, it's you do the marshmallow cream
that comes in the jar.
And then you do with like a crunchy peanut butter
on some bread.
Like I like a PB&J, but a fluffernutter is like my thing.
That's like better I feel than like a fancy restaurant's
dessert menu.
Couldn't agree more.
Yeah.
Fuck a cream brulee, have a fluffernutter.
Yeah, that sounds so good.
Have you ever had fluff?
No, that's the first time I've ever heard it.
It's delicious.
It sounds delicious.
It's just like whipped marshmallows.
Wow.
Yeah, it's great.
I saw that McDonald's has a S'mores McFlurry.
I'm really wondering what they're using
for their marshmallow.
I need to find out.
It looks so, I love S'mores, so, and I love McFlurries.
I love McFlurries, but I mean, not even to like be hacky with the joke, but truly, I've never been able to go to, looks so, I love s'mores, so, and I love McFlurries. I love McFlurries, but I mean, not even to like,
be hacky with the joke, but truly,
I've never been able to go to a McDonald's
and then them have the machine working.
It's like, every time you go, they're like, it's down.
You need to go with me,
because it's always working for me.
Okay, great, well then, and I feel like
you know the prime places in LA to get a McFlurry.
Heather, what's your McDonald's order?
So I really don't like McDonald's.
I know this is crazy.
I will do fries and a giant Diet Coke.
I will say that McDonald's does have the crispest Diet Coke
and if you're really hungover, get a McDonald's Sprite.
But my go-to is like, if I'm really hungover,
I'll do a Wendy's, I'm more of a Wendy's girl.
I like a Wendy's Frosty and you sit in the shower
and you let the water run over you
and you eat the Frosty in the shower.
And then afterwards you have the nice fresh sea salt fries
from Wendy's and maybe the spicy chicken sandwich.
But I also, I'm in Atlanta,
so I'm a Chick-fil-A ride or die, that's me.
I'm a-
What do you do Sundays?
She goes to church.
I go to church, I talk to the Lord, I say I'm sorry.
But then Monday morning I'm back at it
with that chicken biscuit.
Jules, do you eat fast food?
Oh my God, it's my thing.
What do you get, where?
I always just go to McDonald's though.
I just get the 20 piece chicken nuggets.
That's my fucking girl!
Oreo McFlurry large fries and a spicy chicken sandwich.
I love you.
What sauce are you getting with your nuggets?
I just do ranch.
You don't do sweet and sour?
I don't do it.
No, but she's Asian.
We know better.
What do you mean you guys know better?
Sweet and sour from McDonald's ain't it.
What?
I disagree.
We have our own sweet and sour that actually hits.
What is it?
Chick-fil-A Polynesian?
Not that either.
But you know, that one's not bad.
That does hit. Yeah, that one's not bad. That does hit.
Yeah, that does hit, yeah.
This is an ad by BetterHelp.
We here at Trash Tuesday.
We're cuckoo.
Cuckoo.
Cuckoo, proud to be.
It's cute to be cuckoo.
It's cute only if you're getting the help you need.
You cannot be cuckoo without the help.
Not around me.
Not around me.
And so if you wanna stay around me. Not around me.
And so if you wanna stay around us, you need therapy.
And we love BetterHelp because they've made therapy
easier to access and more affordable.
BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform,
having served over five million people globally,
and it works with an App Store rating of 4.9 out of five
based on over 1.7 million client reviews. I also love their journal
feature. I love how convenient it is. I love that I don't have to drive and look for parking
therapy at my fingertips. I need your this is just reminding me that I need to see my therapist this
week. I just online. Lucky I could see the post therapy glow on your skin. She says I am not doing well.
As the largest online therapy provider in the world,
BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.
Unwind from work with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com
slash trash tuesday. That's betterhelp.com slash trash tuesday. I don't know if you know this about
me but every single room in my house has a helix mattress. I actually know because I don't know if you know this about me, but every single room in my house.
Has a Helix mattress.
I actually know, cause you don't shut up about it.
Everything is Helix.
I spend one third of my life asleep and I love sleep.
People are like, oh, sleep when you die.
No, not me.
I love sleep.
I love to dream. First of all.
I love to rest and I love to rest on Helix.
You're lying through your teeth.
You definitely spend two thirds of your life in bed,
not one third.
Correct.
As an official bedrotter, I need soft things on my body.
I need supportive things on my body.
Helix is the only thing that does it.
I love Helix so much.
My sister recently was like, I need a new mattress.
I was like, I've done the research.
I figured it out for you.
Congratulations, you need a Helix.
And she loves it.
My Helix mattresses. They're unlike anything else
They give me the best sleep go to helix sleep comm slash trash Tuesday for 27% off site wide
That's helix sleep comm slash trash Tuesday for 27% off site wide exclusive to trash Tuesday listeners
Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you.
That's helixsleep.com slash trash Tuesday.
This podcast is sponsored by Skims.
There are three things I always consider
and I prioritize when purchasing anything
that touches my skin.
And that is, is it comfortable?
Is it supportive?
And do I feel cute in it?
And before Skims, like underwear was
sort of just this afterthought. What I actually wear under my shirt, under my jeans really sort
of like dictates and defines how I feel about myself for the rest of the day. Life hack,
if you want to feel cute outside of what you're wearing, make sure that you're choosing comfortable
underwear that you still feel cute in.
Take my word for it,
the Scoop bralette from the Fits Everybody collection.
It is so flattering, so supportive, so cute.
Go get you a couple colors.
I have them in all colors and I swear by them
and you will too.
Shop my favorite bras and underwear at skims.com and after you place
your order be sure to let them know we sent you. You can select podcasts in the survey and be sure
to select our show Trash Tuesday in the drop down menu that follows. This podcast is sponsored by
Skims. There are three things I always consider and I prioritize when purchasing anything that
touches my skin and that is, is it comfortable?
Is it supportive?
And do I feel cute in it?
And before skims, like underwear was sort of just this afterthought.
What I actually wear under my shirt, under my jeans, really sort of like dictates and
defines how I feel about myself for the rest of
the day. Life hack if you want to feel cute outside of what you're wearing, make
sure that you're choosing comfortable underwear that you still feel cute in.
Take my word for it, the scoop bralette from the FitsEverybody collection, it is
so flattering, so supportive, so cute. Go get you a couple colors. I have them in all colors
and I swear by them and you will too. Shop my favorite bras and underwear at skims.com.
And after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. You can select podcasts
in the survey and be sure to select our show, Trash Tuesday, in the drop down menu that follows.
select our show, Trash Tuesday, in the drop down menu that follows.
Guys, we're gonna do a quick taste test.
So these are different types of cokes.
Okay.
And we're gonna see.
I think it's caffeinated.
I can't have caffeine either.
I'll give all the drinks to me.
I will taste them.
Jesus Christ, this grew.
Okay.
I'll just taste.
Is it just out of Coke and Diet Coke? You know what? Okay, well here's the problem. They're room temp, they screw. Okay. I'll just take- Is it just out of Coke and Diet Coke?
Okay, well here's the problem.
They're room temp, they're not cold.
So that hits different.
That is a Coke Zero.
Oh, let me try.
I don't even know, but-
That's not Diet Coke, that's Coke Zero, I guarantee it.
Put my firstborn's life on it.
Yeah, that's terrible.
I'm gonna go with Coke Zero.
They really scurried out of the room.
They're panicked about it.
You know what I'm saying?
She's like, I actually poured it
and I don't remember what I poured.
Was I right?
Add ice, add ice so they don't know.
Yes, it was Coke Zero.
Coke Zero, yeah.
This is Coke Zero.
My favorite drug.
Now if you had lined up different Cokes
from different fast food,
like to me a Wendy's tastes different
than this and that.
And I, yeah.
Really?
And is it the carbonation level
and just how it dispensed, everything?
Yeah, truly.
And like when I'm at a Chick-fil-A,
I'm getting a Diet Dr. Pepper.
I'm not even fucking with a Diet Coke.
Like Diet Dr. Pepper in a spicy Chick-fil-A sandwich
with the Polynesian, I don't know,
it's a flavor profile that really gets me.
The thing about Diet Dr. Pepper, I will say,
I feel like that is the diet version
that most matches its regular version.
Fully agree with you.
That is like, they're on a different level than the rest.
And they don't get talked about enough.
And I won't do a Pepsi.
If I go to a place and I say, you know,
you got a day of Coke and they say,
we're Pepsi products, what are we doing here?
Literally, I say, what are we doing here, sir?
You're like, have a seat.
No, I would kindly just say,
I'll have an unsweetened iced tea, thank you.
You know, and then a dirty martini, because I'm stressed.
So do you like sweet tea?
No, I drink a lot.
That was racist, Stella.
Yeah, that was so racist.
Okay, so I'm obsessed with sweet tea,
so I'm just trying to find a friend.
No, listen, I can't, you know,
I can't get my rings off anyways,
so I definitely, after having two neck jobs,
I definitely don't need sweet tea.
But in college, I would drink gallons of sweet tea,
and I didn't understand why I put on the Freshman 75.
I came home at Thanksgiving break
and my mom was like, what happened to you?
I was just drinking sweet tea and miss it.
Oh, the same thing happened to me,
but the reason for my Freshman 75 was because-
Oh, they got ice?
It wasn't bullying you, I'm sorry.
It didn't have to be cold.
Oh, poor thing.
That Coke. God, poor thing. Diet Coke.
God, you know, it tastes to me
because I haven't had it in so long.
They Coke Zero and Diet Coke tastes the same.
Well, I'll tell you what though,
even actually cold, but in this paper cup, that's awful.
That's, I wouldn't drink it.
It wouldn't be worth it to drink it out of a paper cup.
Like freshly iced, you know,
they added the ice and it was warm.
The Diet Coke has to be cold in the fridge and then put in.
You can't then take a room temp Diet Coke
and then put ice in it.
That's trash.
I will drink out of the mini cans.
You'll never see me with a regular full-size can.
That's just, at that point, I might as well start doing math.
Like, what are we doing?
But I, and you'll never see me in a plastic bottle.
That's not-
Pito Bobby has the large one.
Oh, really?
Yeah, the bottle.
Really? Like the two liter?
Like for a pizza party? After like three minutes that thing is like flat and dry. I know. Wow.
Okay so the reason I got freshman 75. Oh yeah yeah. Was because. I love finding out what people
got fat. Biscuits here, gravy here. From the Philippines, immigrant. Didn't know that gravy goes with biscuits ate the gravy as thought it was the best soup I had ever
Like it was a chicken noodle every day a big bowl of gravy I was like whatever chowder
This is they're serving in the cafeteria at UNLV the greatest thing I've ever tasted
And I would you were consuming like 10,000 calories a morning
Yes, if it wasn't for the fact that I was on a full scholarship
and an athlete, I would have gotten the freshman 150
instead of the 75.
I will say the access to food you get in college,
because I also gained 30 pounds in college,
like it's just crazy.
You can just constantly go to like a little dining hall
and get max out on cookies, ice cream.
Like you could ask Jenna, like I really,
like I was a crack addict for those places.
What college did you go to?
I went to University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.
Yeah, party school.
Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I wasn't included in those,
but yeah, around me that was happening.
We had fried Fridays at our sorority house
because they all knew that we had date parties
on Thursday night, so they knew that we were super hungover.
So you'd walk into the sorority house
and it was just like a buffet of like tater tots,
french fries, fried catfish, fried chicken tenders,
hush puppies, anything fried.
And so every Friday you'd be there, you know,
they'd be putting out the trays and I'd have the shakes
and be like, I need, you know, give me the hit.
Yeah, we had a fro-yo machine in the house.
Yeah, I would just kind of put the neck under and crank it.
It was awesome. And then I would just kind of put the neck under and crank it. It was awesome.
And then I wondered why things started to get tight, you know. I mean, truly.
Jules, what did you think of the drink? I think this is Diet Coke and then the
other ones, I don't know about those ones. It felt spicy. The second one was Diet Coke.
You know what I'm saying? You're saying the second one you
drank was Diet Coke? No, the first one that Ellie gave me. Oh not you didn't think it was coke zero?
I don't think so. Okay what's this new newest one? Coke. Regular coke. Oh okay.
So that kind of was a fail but I will say you the quickness in which you knew.
Thank you so much I appreciate that I'm putting that on my resume.
And is Mexican Coke really better?
It's so good, because it has real cane sugar.
I'm telling you, that's a cure-all for a hangover,
is a real Mexican Coke.
It just hits different.
Talk about spicy.
Ooh, that thing's spicy.
What?
In a really delicious way.
It's got the perfect carbonation,
and it comes in the glass bottle,
so it's cold, you can put it on your head
I keep saying things that cure hangovers like I'm a heavy drinker
But I wasn't one point, you know, but man that hits or like if you have an upset tummy
You should always have like two Mexican Cokes in the fridge and like a really good old-school ginger ale
And I think that can pretty much cure anything
Do you believe like what they say about how at certain fast-food restaurants like McDonald's where they give more syrup.
For sure.
And they say that McDonald's, they like dip the fries
in like extra gluten and shit.
Like, yeah, I'm sure there's all sorts of addictive tricks
to the trade.
That a McDonald's Coke tastes different.
I think it's like proven now, right?
And when you're from Atlanta,
cause it's the home of Coca-Cola,
so we go to a restaurant and say like, I'd like a Coke.
And they're like, what kind of Coke?
And you're like a Sprite. Like everything's Coke. Wait, wait, what to a restaurant and say like, I'd like a Coke, and they're like, what kind of Coke, and you're like, a Sprite.
Like everything's Coke.
Does that make sense?
Wait, what?
But if it's like a Diet Coke, I'm like,
can I get a Diet Coke, but usually you're like,
God, I really want a Coke, and I'm like, okay,
but I want a Sprite.
Like, it's kind of like a weird thing.
Somebody on the internet's gonna argue with me about that,
but suck my dick, okay?
I've been to the world of Coke, I know the family.
But I'm also a real big, like I love a Spindrift.
Holy shit.
Wow.
What flavor?
I wish Caroline was here.
I know, our friend Caroline Goldfarb.
She's a Wendy's girl and a Spindrift girl.
Spindrift, well, have you ever had a blood orange Spindrift?
Oh my God, talk about luxury.
Is it better than like Orange Bang?
Yeah, well it's different,
cause Orange Bang has like sugar in it.
Sugar, yeah.
This is fresh, it's a nice fresh fruit juice.
It's just a little sweet, about 15 calories a can.
And then if you like,
god I'm so like such a fat ass,
everything I'm talking about.
If you, I'm just as good at consumer reports.
If you like cream soda, like I was a cream soda kid,
the Ollipop cream soda, that blows your tits off.
I have like one a week and that's my treat.
You don't like poppy?
I love poppy, but poppy doesn't have a cream soda flavor.
They don't.
They came out with a specialty thing,
big poppy girl as well,
but that specific cream soda one is,
it'll change your life.
I think all the Ollie pop knockoffs,
like the Sprite, et cetera,
like I think they're all good.
They are all good.
The vintage cola.
And poppy has their better original flavors.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, I like raspberry, rose, poppy.
Me too, delicious.
Are we liking La Croix still?
Yeah, I do a La Croix for sure.
I love all the flavors,
but I can't really differentiate
between the pom-pum-la-mousse and the, you know,
I like the limoncello.
Actually, a limoncello and a spritz is quite nice.
I mean, here's the thing.
If y'all start throwing food at me,
I could do this for seven and a half hours.
This is my jam, this is how you know
the weight fluctuates, you know?
Like, it's like the most boring conversation,
but like, ask me about french fries,
I'll tell you what I feel.
In bold letters here.
Yeah.
It's in bold, it says, ask Heather about the times
her pubes popped out of her leggings.
What?
So I don't know, I used to be a big Brazilian girl,
you know, went full bald, and then when I got married,
my husband likes a full kitty, you know what I mean?
He doesn't like it bare.
A real man.
A real man, it creeps him out.
So, you know, I was just live laugh loving, whatever.
And I was running around, and I guess I had had like a,
you know, an older pair of Lulu lulus and I got in the car,
I'd run a hundred errands that day.
And I had a cross body purse like this, you know,
and it was hitting across my body.
And I reached down to grab something at Bank of America
and I could feel a little prickle.
And I looked down and I said,
my God, my bushes threw my pants.
It was like a prickle.
And I had a nice layer of skims, thongs in between them.
And it's not wild down there, it's not untamed.
And I said, my god, I've been walking around
with a bush outside my pants all day.
Did nobody stop me?
And that's when you know you've hit the spot
of your Lululemon leggings where you go,
these have gotta go.
Yeah.
This is where I have a little bit of sadness
because I was that Brazilian girly
and I got to the point of getting so many Brazilians
that I no longer grow pubes up here.
And then I started dating a real man
and he's like, what is that?
Are you gonna wear a little wig?
I'd like to.
Do they call it a muff?
Yeah, I think.
They sell those?
It's like a thing that's used in movies and stuff.
Yeah, what is it called?
A pubic wig?
Or maybe a muff?
I think that might be slang.
I don't know, that might be like,
what you call a marginalized group, I don't know.
Worried about that.
I said it so quickly that I'm like,
that didn't feel right.
It's a merkin.
Merkin, yes.
A merkin, oh.
What's a muff?
Can you Google that in just in case we gotta bleep it out?
Because it's muff diving, so muff. Muff diving, yeah, yeah, yes. A Merkin, oh. What's a muff? Can you Google that in just in case we gotta bleep it out? Because it's muff diving.
So muff. Muff diving, yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you need hair for your Merkin, I can donate some.
I know you can.
But you have exceptional pubes
and I would never wanna take away from that.
That is such a weird take to have.
They're not, they're just a wildfire, wild forest.
You know how there are classic beauties in the world?
There are.
There are prototypes that you're like,
that is evergreen beauty.
She's pretty through all decades and all ages.
Your pubes are that, to me.
When I look at that, I'm like, that is a classic pub.
It's just uniform and pretty.
Even as low as it goes to my knees?
To your knees, yeah.
Oh, you don't trim it?
No, why?
Do I have to?
So it's like long, long?
Well, no, it's not long.
It's not like beard-blank.
It just, it's not like the hairs are long.
It's that the hairs grow down the leg.
Oh.
You know how it-
What with you?
I felt it.
I felt it.
Oh.
Like I have pubes here,
and I have pubes here as well,
their own pubes.
They just keep going.
The pubes connect with the leg hairs.
Got it.
Sort of, yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah, I have some strays on the sides.
I get it.
I have a question going back to,
what do you mean by real men like pubes?
Asking for a friend.
I feel like it's a red flag if a guy is terrified of pubes.
I feel like a real man likes all kinds.
Whatever he's presented with, he's happy with.
If a guy's like, I would rather you get it trimmed
before I go down there, he doesn't like pussy.
Yeah, get the fuck out of here.
I don't have time for that.
Yeah, because you know what?
I also don't want him to have a bald penis.
That's weird.
Trim it, keep it nice.
We're all here to make sure
we're putting our best foot forward.
But I don't also want there to be nothing
and then they're just a weird dong.
I don't want that.
I think it is the weirdest look.
Isn't it scary?
It's scary.
No one's talking about the fear.
I don't know why I'm doing this.
I'm like, I don't know.
It's so scary.
It's already scary doing sexual things.
I don't then need it just smooth and loose and everywhere.
Oh, that's so creepy.
Yeah.
A shaved dong, like no hair in that area.
It just needs.
What do you mean?
I don't want it to be like a micro penis.
I've been with one and I fell in love.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah. I know for a fact now, this is how I fell in love. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah.
I know for a fact now,
this is how I know I love Transcendz all
because I fell in love with a boy,
hooked up with him, micropede.
I mean micropede.
Like it wasn't an exaggeration that I had to.
Like a clinical diagnosis of micropenis.
Walked out of there, never been more in love.
I was like, I really love this guy.
And he didn't choose me.
Are you kidding me?
No, he didn't.
Let's blast him right now.
What's up?
What's up, Mark?
Like, what?
Is that because he knew that he didn't have a penis,
big penis, so he made up for it other ways?
You know what?
I think he's a really successful, good looking guy,
and he went back to his Ivy League school,
and I was sort of the little chola
experiment that he I think dated. But I fell in love and...
Did he know that you're not a chola?
At that time I didn't know I wasn't a chola. So you know I went to a predominantly like
black and Mexican school straight from the Philippines. The Mexicans took me in as one
of their own. So I'm a child of that
Yeah, so yeah, I had a lip liner the hoop earrings
So I I thought it was a chola so I was his little like side project. I've seen one as well
I have seen one it I wasn't in love it was and it wasn't even a it was just kind of like, okay
And I knew nothing was gonna happen, you know when they drop the pants cuz I had the opposite
I also almost hooked up with a guy who had such a massive penis, but that wasn't even
the problem.
You know how they can hook left or right?
His hook down.
Oh, it was like this.
Like the Muppet character with the down nose.
So what I said was I gave it a very polite like Korean bow.
I was like, thank you, sir.
And then I walked backwards,
not giving eye contact, and I left.
I don't know what to do with that, but thank you,
and then I left.
And sent him a text like, hey, you're a beautiful man,
not the right for me.
That's gonna impale me, it's gonna come out,
burst my eardrum, something.
Jules, what do you think of all this?
I think it's fun.
Like I wanna try a dick that goes down.
She wants a BBC.
Do you know that, right?
Yeah, still.
What's a BBC?
A big black cock.
Oh, easy.
I don't know why I thought this was gonna be something
way more intense.
I was just trying to be like,
is this a move I haven't heard of?
Yeah, just a big black cock.
Okay, great.
Yeah.
Okay, come on, Heather, get with it.
Have you tried a lot?
Have I tried a lot of big black cocks?
Oh, let me tell you what, being from Atlanta,
you have no idea.
No.
No.
No?
No, very open to it.
Listen, I went to school in Mississippi.
I dated a couple horrible guys.
I've had many lovers, but then I found my husband
and we've been together for a really long time.
Yeah, I've lived a hundred lives,
but I've been boot up with Jeff for quite some time now.
That's so sweet.
We love Jeff, Jeff's great, shout out to Jeff.
My husband's name is Jeff Daniels,
not to be confused with Jeff Daniels,
the actor from Dumb and Dumber in the newsroom.
So when we go places, we make reservations under his name
because people think it's gonna be the actor Jeff Daniels.
May I say though, have you seen a young Jeff Daniels?
Handsome.
So cute.
Dumb and Dumber is my favorite movie.
But even younger with that one movie where that woman dies.
Mine looks nothing like that, he's large in Italian.
Oh, he's Italian.
Yeah, he's Italian American from New York.
How'd you guys meet?
We actually met in a gay bar.
So I was living in Hell's Kitchen
and my best friend at Ole Miss who now works with me, Tina,
Tina grew up, is his best girlfriend from childhood
and after I graduated Mississippi,
I moved to New York to do comedy
and we went out with Jeff's big Italian family.
He has two cousins that are gay, they're brothers
and so we all went out one night
and we went to this gay bar, and Jeff walked in,
and I didn't even know who he was yet,
and I turned to our friend Tina,
and I said, Tina, that's who I'm gonna marry,
and she goes, Jeff?
First of all, we're in a gay bar,
how do I know if this guy is straight or not?
He walks in, he's so handsome, and she was like,
that's the guy, I said, that's who I'm gonna marry.
Said it out loud, and he walked over,
and the rest is history.
Wait, that's crazy. I can't explain it, it was intuition, it was like this feeling, and the rest is history. Wait, that's crazy.
I can't explain it.
It was intuition.
It was like this feeling.
And yeah, and when we look back,
we took a photo that night in this big group
with all of our friends.
And he looked so ill.
He looked like he had been going through chemo.
His hair was matted.
He was pale, almost jaundiced.
The sweater was bad.
Like, I don't know when I look back what it was
that I was like, that's the one.
But he, yeah, he's my babe.
You're so much more confident than me
because when I first saw my husband at a party,
I literally go, that guy's so hot, I'm hiding from him.
Like that's my exact real thought.
Like I'm hiding, I don't want this man to like observe me.
So then how did you connect?
He was then later at the party talking to people
that I knew and I was like, all right,
he's talking to people I know,
like I'm gonna just go over there.
And like that was how, then like they introduced us.
Wow.
Yeah, but.
And then how did you know,
did you know immediately that he liked you back?
Or were you still trying to like feel it out?
Totally feeling it out.
And then he left without asking for my number
or saying bye or anything.
And I was like, yeah, okay.
But then he found me online the next day, thankfully.
But I was like, I had such a similar thing
where I saw him across a room and felt a thing,
but mine was not, I'm gonna marry him,
was just like, I wanna be with that guy.
But I-
He was a little lusty.
Yeah.
Lusty.
Well, I cried after my real first date with my husband
cause he took me to Bryant Park to go ice skating
and he was such a gentleman.
And then he was like,
all right my dad's picking me up from the date
and gave me like a kiss.
Cause he lived outside the city in Westchester
and literally it was just convenient.
It was either take the Metro North home
or it was like dad could pick him up.
He's like my dad's getting me mine.
And he's like he gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek
with such a gentleman.
And I think we like high-fived.
I was like oh god, like another one,
it's just a friend, whatever.
And he was just like no, I was trying to be really respectful
and not be a fucking creep.
And it was just convenient that my dad picked me up
on the way home.
I was like okay, yeah.
Yeah, it's 11.
This is sweet, I like this
because the guy I'm with now rejected a nude photo for me.
What?
Couldn't be more respectful, I love him.
What do you mean rejected?
Rejected, just straight up rejected.
Did you try and like air drop it to him and he declined?
He didn't, no, it was one of those like,
do you wanna see what I'm wearing right now?
Kind of type thing, I was like flirting, whatever.
And it was the conversation on text was getting there
and he was just like, you know what, like, no.
What? Yeah.
His thing was like, I wanna build it up in my head.
Like he's very like traditional and like old school
like that. Yeah.
That's so much better.
But I know, I mean, I had feelings-
But my text on the third date, don't get me wrong,
but that is respectful.
At that moment, I was like,
eww, like you don't wanna see my beautiful body.
Yeah. Yeah, were you upset?
Yeah, I was initially.
I felt rejected.
And then I was like, wait, maybe he is that guy. Maybe he just is that way. Yeah, were you upset? Yeah, I was initially. I felt rejected and then I was like,
wait, maybe he is that guy.
Maybe he just is that way.
Did he explain it later?
Did you ever bring it up to him?
Yeah, he explained it.
And he was like, that's like the easiest way
to get your dopamine and then what then?
I mean, let's have an honest conversation here.
The porn, I hate to sound like an old lady,
it has ruined these young guys.
Yes.
I really don't wanna be that person,
cause we all love porn.
But at some point I'm like,
I hear my younger girlfriends who are trying to date
and it's horror stories.
Well I was in a 10 year relationship with a porn addict.
Shit.
So if I was like pussy agape,
sprawled out in bed like this.
Doing the thing.
Just shaking.
Shaking.
Shaking.
Popping.
He would be like, no thanks,
and then take the iPad into the bathroom.
Like that's how I get it.
It really is its own trauma to be rejected for porn.
Yeah.
Did that like ruin you?
Yes.
Honestly, like I grew a mustache that year.
Like I turned into like a full blown like cool dude. Like I turned into a full blown cool dude.
I was a bro because I wanted to stay with him so badly
that I almost morphed into a non,
I rejected my sexuality.
Because I'm like, this is not a thing that he wants,
so let's just wear basketball shorts around the house
and just, you know.
Butch it up.
Yeah, butch it up.
Because maybe.
You maybe put me into that.
No, but I really lost a lot of like,
just like my sexual nature, my girliness,
and parts of me that I loved,
but I just couldn't, I didn't feel safe expressing anymore
because I had felt so like rejected in that way.
And that's probably why you responded to Aloha angrily,
because you're used to that.
And instead he was like, no, and you were like,
you don't wanna see me, because you're used to it.
Right, great point.
Yeah, my partner's name is Aloha.
I love this.
Thank you. I love it.
Yeah. I mean, that is festive.
He's not white, don't worry.
He's not white, okay, great.
I was wondering if he's like, from North Hollywood,
birth name Chad, you know, but it's just like,
it's aloha, you know what I mean?
And how did you meet him?
In Hawaii, yeah diving.
Guess what, on the nose, I like it.
In the ocean, doing the ocean thing.
He's blowing a horn, you're feeling the vibes.
Yeah, I was.
Can I ask you real quick,
if we go back to the, not to like,
pivot from the trauma, but the free diving, you also free dive?
Yeah.
We get it, that is as a full blown water baby.
I don't understand the free diving.
Are you free diving for something in particular
or are you just seeing how low you can go?
There are people who do it for how low you can go.
Okay.
And they hold their breath, it's a competition.
They go down to the abyss and they like that stuff.
Okay. We go for, we go shelling.
We look at fish.
We play mermaids.
It's, yeah.
I would be very into that.
I would love to take you out.
Great swimmer.
I'm a strong swimmer.
Great, even better.
You're gonna love it so much.
Please, please, please.
I just went to Hawaii for the first time in a minute.
I had the best time.
I'm ready to go.
Okay, so my partner lives there,
so we have a home there.
Anytime you're back there,
I will have, we'll both take you out.
Yes.
Do we have fins on?
Do we have anything?
Yes, we have fins, we have a snorkel and a mask,
but you are going on your own breath.
So you're descending on your own breath.
I can handle that.
As long as I'm cleared post-second neck job,
I think I'm good.
Yes, I think so too.
Okay, great.
Awesome, I'm down.
I mean, listen, true water baby.
Like I have to be in the ocean every couple weeks.
This makes me so happy.
Yeah, I float, I do the thing.
It makes me sad.
Yeah.
What if maybe we do a couple lessons?
Get you comfortable.
I just think maybe that you haven't
had enough exposure to it.
I feel like we got somewhere with our swim lesson
at one time.
Maybe, I don't know if we did.
Now that I have a hole in my eardrum,
it's like too dangerous for me.
Oh, that's right.
And I'll tell you what, swimmer's ear?
That'll fuck you up.
Talk about an episode of The Pit,
wait till they do a swimmer's ear episode.
That is, yeah, that's tough.
Do you not, you don't enjoy a pool either, like even?
Do you soak at least?
In theory I would, in theory.
In theory.
But you heard you at one point with a kickboard?
If I have a kickboard and earplugs and maybe goggles
and it's really the right temperature everywhere.
It's really the right temperature.
Like I could really have some fun
kickboarding around a pool.
That's in salt water, like that's really fun.
So I get to have my own experience that way.
Shout out to all the eczema warriors out there,
but I only have a saltwater pool
because that's why I go into the ocean.
I got bad eczema and I'll tell you what,
it cures me immediately.
I have it real bad right now on my chest
and behind my ears and it is so fucking itchy.
I don't know if California weather dryness
fucks you up like it does me.
But I-
Do you get gel nails?
No, never, bear.
I was gonna say, cause I'm allergic to the gel nail,
and I had to do, I was literally getting gel nails,
and then my eyes and my hole, it would go down my neck,
and I did an experiment,
and I was like, quit getting the gel, and it...
Can't get gel.
So what do you get now?
Just dip.
I get that acrylic shit.
That really is gonna give you the cancers.
I fucking love.
So fuck the diet cokes.
I'm like, huffing this in all day.
Dip is so thick and hearty.
It's thick, and then they dip it, and they stroke it, and they set it, and it makes me horny. I'm like puffing this in all day. Dip is so thick and hearty.
And then they dip it and they stroke it
and they set it and it makes me horny.
Same.
Wait, Jules, didn't you find a new lover in Hawaii?
What?
Yeah.
I guess, cause I was like manifesting summer love,
summer love, summer love.
And then it was like last week already.
And then I met this surfer boy.
Here we go.
But then I'm like you where if I see someone hot,
I don't talk to them.
And I just try to like hide.
And her 17 year old sister had to run back
and be like, my sister likes you,
can she get your number?
Yeah, so Issa had to do that.
But then I was like, why should I text first?
He should be the one, but then he didn't have my number.
So I didn't text him.
It went a week without any talking.
And then I surfed again on Tuesday, and then he was there,
and he was like, how come you never text me?
I was like, oh, I was like, you text me first.
And he was like, okay, give me your number.
Did he do it right away?
Yeah.
What happened?
Tell us, keep going.
It was just that, and then he was like,
oh, next time, like,
you have to text me and I'll take you somewhere.
Like we should go like somewhere.
And then he kept like high-fiving and he was like,
like hold my hand so long.
I was like, okay.
I have a real question about this
cause she's scared of white penis.
I know he's white too, but-
Are you like ready to like reenter the white penis world?
I guess.
You've never been to the white penis world? I guess you've never been to the white penis world
I've been and I got scared she ran from white penis world screaming
Do not do not those are goofy white penises everywhere
It was like so pale for me, so I was traumatized for it
But then I guess I'm open because he was so cute and he's a surfer boy.
So did you guys?
And to be honest with you,
these white surfer boys are pretty fucking hot.
Did you guys like meet up?
No, because we were leaving the next day.
So he was like.
Oh, but an LDR, a summer long distance.
Ooh, yeah.
Yeah, girl.
A Lana Del Rey?
Yeah, Lana Del Rey.
Yeah.
That's what I would do at surf camp.
It was the hot white surfer boys.
You know, it was a mix.
And he was so tall too.
I've never tried tall boys, so I was like, oh my God.
Oh God.
So have you texted?
Yeah.
Are you still texting?
A little bit.
Are you doing Sien?
It was in Hawaii?
Yeah.
Okay, we gotta go back.
We gotta go back.
I'm invested.
I'm coming, I will be in the fucking sand dune with the binoculars.
You're like, you're like, get down there.
You gotta live, you have to live, laugh, love.
You have to go out into the world,
do as many dicks as you can in a safe way, consensually.
And you need to just do your thing
because the rest of us are cheering you on
and we are living vicariously through you.
That's what it is, living vicariously.
It's over for me. It's over for me.
It's over for me.
It's over for all of us.
So just like tell us your stories,
go live it big and then report back.
Don't live it small, bitch.
Do not live it small.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, I'll get all the dicks.
Yeah, get all the dicks.
Please.
That's good for you.
Thank you.
Okay, cool.
One more thing though, I wanted to ask you.
You and Jeff were long distance for a while.
Long time.
How were you able to do that for so long?
Was there like always a plan at the end being like, okay.
Yes, great question.
And young gals always DM me and they ask me that.
Like, oh my boyfriend just got a new job somewhere.
Like, what do I do?
I think long distance, if it's the right relationship,
long distance works.
It's not easy.
I'll never forget the day I sat down with Jeff in New York,
we had been dating like a year and I said,
I gotta go to LA, like I have to chase the thing.
And we were sitting at like a buka de bepo or something
and he's like hysterically crying,
he's like, chase your dreams.
And I knew I met the right guy
because he said, I never wanted to hold you back
and then you resent me because I knew we were in it
for the long run.
And we knew we were gonna get married like date three.
Like it was like, that's my person, as cheesy as that sounds.
I will tell you though, if he gets hit by a bus,
I'm going to only black deck.
Because black men respect me and love me
in a way that other white men don't.
It's Jeff and then only black dudes, okay?
So I will just tell you, and Jeff knows,
I said it in my prenup, it's like,
if you go, I'm gone.
But yeah, and we just did it.
It was not easy.
I mean, we spent all, you know,
I didn't have a pot to piss in when I was here in LA,
and we spent every last dime traveling.
But I also say like, when you see each other,
it's actually quality time.
And now we live together in my mom's house,
and it's like a crock pot pressure cooker
of being like, my mom's driving me nuts.
And he's like, your mom's driving me nuts.
And we're like, let's just go for a 20 minute drive just to get out.
We pack our dogs in the car and I'm like,
we gotta go to Mallorca tomorrow, you know?
And like, it's, life will always be hard
and I always wanna say this to young gals.
When it's good when you're dating,
that really is like peak.
So if it is tough and you don't know
where you stand with somebody while you're dating,
it's not the relationship.
Because it's only gonna get harder as you get married
and live life and have these experiences.
So why be with these guys who, like,
you don't know where you stand?
What the fuck are we doing here?
But yeah, we were long distance for almost like eight years.
Incredible.
But made it happen.
I mean, in reality too, I moved to LA, I was here,
we were going back and forth.
I mean, we saw each other once a month,
once every other month.
And no breakups, no nothing,
it was just like that's my dude.
And then my dad passed and I moved back to Atlanta
and Jeff was in New York finishing like a grad school
program and I was just like, all right,
I gotta be here for a little bit.
I mean it was obviously easier, we were on the East Coast,
but that was just my person.
We just made it work, you have to make it work.
And now we live together, but I also stay on tour.
And I think it's the special.
Like I go on the road and I come home
and I'm like, I actually like this human, you know?
Yeah, I don't think two people are meant
to be in each other's faces all day every day.
That's not healthy.
Not if it's your mom, your sister, your dog.
Maybe my dog, my dog, yeah, just my dog.
I want my dog to live inside me.
Yeah, me too.
Heather, I'm so glad that we finally got to have you
on our show.
Thank you for having me.
I've been such a big fan forever,
and I'm so invested in your new love life,
and I wanna make sure that I will send you
the lymphatic plate, so give me your address,
I'll send you one, and I wanna make sure that you're
pooping, because that's important.
Thank you.
Because you keep me having all this sex
if you're backed up, either.
I know.
That's cool.
I don't wanna fart, yeah, I don't wanna fart,
and it smells like death.
Cause then the fart has to travel around the existing poo.
It's, I don't know.
And then queefing is just a whole nother can of worms.
Yeah.
Even married for how long I've been with Jeff,
queefing still makes me giggle.
It makes me giggle.
You cannot not acknowledge it.
You have to.
Because it's like, oh, let's pretend we didn't hear that.
It's so just like, we all heard it.
It was loud and obnoxious.
It was so loud.
They don't care, nobody cares.
No, they really don't care.
Jeff calls me Kitty Queef,
because my nickname's Heath Cat.
And so when it happens, for like a week,
he's like, Kitty Queef, you wanna go to dinner?
And I'm like, stop, like I turn red.
I'm like, please don't say that, oh my God, I can't.
Your mom hears? Oh, my mom knows everything. Oh yeah, no, my mom doesn't, I'm like, please don't say that, oh my God, I can't. Your mom hears?
Oh, my mom knows everything.
Oh yeah, no my mom doesn't, we have a pretty nice setup
at the compound, but no, my mom is actively being like,
when am I getting a grandchild and stuff like that, so.
I also grew up in a house where my parents really made love
and loved each other, not in a creepy way, but like.
I love that.
But they were very, I had a very healthy sense
of sexuality growing up, because my parents creepy way. But they were very, I had a very healthy sense of sexuality growing up because my parents
were like really fucked.
Can I just ask one more question before we go?
This is what I wanna hear.
I have a kid and I never want to conceal my love
for my partner from him.
You're saying you liked watching that.
You loved watching your parents be loving.
Yes, and then I would go to some of my other
friends' houses and their parents,
like you never saw them kiss or hug
and that was weird.
I mean, granted, they had a good relationship.
That doesn't always happen.
But no, I felt very much so when I started
getting in relationships, I had a healthy version
of what to have as a guiding light.
You know?
Now I think it's good.
You know, I mean, we're not doing hand jobs
at the kitchen table, but I think it was good to see
that my parents really physically loved each other.
You know?
This makes me feel better.
Yeah.
Yeah, I have the opposite effect,
but that's because my parents are like,
it's not like loving, it's like gross.
Oh, they're deep-throating.
They'll like just say you make like sex jokes
right in front of me where it's like that,
that is you're crossing a line.
I feel that my parents cross a line
and if you just don't cross that line, it should be okay.
So does it make you feel uncomfortable that they're boning?
Cause I think you should be like, yeah, mom and dad.
No, I would if it was their secret.
But like, why do I have to like know,
like the giggle, hear the giggles and like,
I feel like they get off on like grossing me out.
Like there's something weird going on.
I always knew that my parents were doing it
when I would come home on a Friday night
after a football game and I'd hear Michael Buble
on the Sonos upstairs and the Jacuzzi going
and I was like, oh yeah.
And then I'd tell all my friends,
guys, we gotta go to Chick-fil-A for a while.
Mama died, Buble's playing.
I mean, my dad on his deathbed,
he was asking for a blow job.
And my mom was like, Kyle, you got a catheter in,
it's not happening.
But he literally said, one of his last breaths to my mom
was like, you were a great lover.
And I was like, hell yeah.
I love that.
Now I really respect it, I'm like, fuck yeah.
Yeah, and also just, if I can have a 10 second,
I'm not plugging any shows or anything,
my mom's great, she's such a catch,
I have the hottest mom on the planet,
she's been 10 years widowed, she's looking for somebody to travel the world with, she still mom's great, she's such a catch. I have the hottest mom on the planet. She's been 10 years widowed.
She's looking for somebody to travel the world with.
She still wants to date, she's still horny.
So if anybody has a fun, rich uncle
or wants me to be their stepsister,
we're great at holidays, I have a really fun family.
So DM me because I'm really looking
for somebody for my mom to date.
Wow.
Whoa, that sounds so fun.
Yeah, and she's cute, y'all.
Robin McMahon is so hot.
Yeah, she had the love of her life with my dad,
and now she just wants somebody to travel
and have a blast with, and she deserves that.
That's so fair.
That's absolutely what she deserves, yeah.
So that's my pitch.
I came here, I tested cokes, I gave you doodoo advice.
We're going to Hawaii.
We're going, I'm going to Hawaii.
I'm free diving, can't wait.
And I hopefully will find my mom love.
And I'm so grateful to have met you ladies. Y'all are fantastic. We're manif to Hawaii. I'm free diving can't wait and I hopefully will find my mom love and I'm so
Grateful to have met you ladies. Y'all are fantastic. We're manifesting that for you and for Robin Heather. Thank you so much
Thank you to our audience. I hope you guys loved Heather as much as we do and I know that you do
And as always we'll see you next week with a brand new episode This podcast is sponsored by skims. There are three things I always consider and I prioritize
when purchasing anything that touches my skin and that is
is it comfortable? Is it supportive? And do I feel cute in it? And before skins, like
underwear was sort of just this afterthought. What I actually wear under my shirt, under
my jeans really sort of like dictates and defines how I feel about myself for the rest
of the day. Life hack if you
want to feel cute outside of what you're wearing, make sure that you're choosing
comfortable underwear that you still feel cute in. Take my word for it, the
scoop bralette from the fits everybody collection, it is so flattering, so
supportive, so cute. Go get you a couple colors. I have them in all colors and I swear by them and you will too
Shop my favorite bras and underwear at skims.com
And after you place your order be sure to let them know we sent you you can select
Podcasts in the survey and be sure to select our show trash Tuesday in the drop-down menu that follows