Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - How to Take Back Your Life w/ Jacqueline Novak

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

JOIN THE WEIRDEST PATREON EVER:  https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast ESTHER’S SUBSTACK/SOLO POD:  https://esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com/ GET KHALYLA’S REEF SAFE HAIR PRODUCT(S):  https://www.ebboceanclub.com/ ______________________________________________________________________ We are honored to have the hilarious & brilliant “systems expert” Jacqueline Novak (POOG podcast) with us in the stu this week. In less than 90 minutes, Jacqueline will teach you how to defeat pesky life challenges like: Time, sleep, anxiety, believing you may be in the movie The Vanishing when you lose your partner at the grocery store, & what to do if you find yourself in a Staples in 2025. More Jacqueline! POOG: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/poog-with-kate-berlant-and-jacqueline-novak/id1537404238 IG: https://www.instagram.com/jacnov/ Chapters: 00:00 Esther is impressed by Jacqueline, Jacqueline shocked 08:46 What is time? And what are dreams? 25:12 Hyper Fixating 34:42 Flow State 44:08 Sleep Habits ______________________________________________________________________ FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS:  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday MORE ESTHER: Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster MORE KHALYLA: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@TigerBelly ______________________________________________________________________PRODUCTION: Production Team: Tiny Legends, LLC:  https://www.instagram.com/tinylegends.prod/ Stella Young: https://www.instagram.com/estellayoung/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Edited By: Arielle Jade: https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/

I realized this is the only, I was like, I wear that blazer like every time I do anything and it's like, it's like the only fucking blazer I- that I feel like myself in. I- first of all, I can't believe that you even can pull off a blazer. Like to me, that's the difference between child and adult and I look at you and I'm instantly, oh, I'll never have that. See, that is so interesting because I,

this, I was stepping it up for you. I'm going, this is a studio. I'm putting on a blazer. I put on a shoe. I was like, to me, this is a shoe, not a sneaker. That's a very serious shoe. You know, and yeah, I stepped it up. What's the necklace?

Oh, this is my friend Einstein's underscore NYC. It's like vintage collection from the 80s. And then right now I am simultaneously using it. I forgot I was going to take it off before the pod. Are you a time traveler? Yes. I've got a few things going. OK, you want to know what this is?

Yeah. So obviously, strap is broken, that's why I'm wearing it this way. It's giving Crazy Lady right out the gate. Actually, I have, I've kept all my swatch faces from when I was a kid and still have them, just the straps are all broken, but you have to keep them.

Cause they, yeah, I have like the jelly strap that like it recently like disintegrated. Yeah, they disintegrate. But this is a, okay, there's a psychologist. He sells one item, this, you get it off his website. I'm in. It's a watch and it's called Watchminder 3. I wanna do a collaboration.

And it's for ADHD, the elderly. It's for whoever has needs, okay? And it, you can set up these different things, these like little reminders, you know, you could set it up where like, all throughout the day it's like brush your teeth or whatever, it doesn't talk. But what I've been doing with it,

because I'm like determined to take back my life, is literally, we're two days into this new system, okay? Okay, to be clear. Okay, but it's every five minutes, I get a vibration, I turn it off this new system, okay? Okay, to be clear. Okay, but it's every five minutes I get a vibration, I turn it off for the thing, okay? And now what I've done two days in, and I can't find it right now, voice recorder, little voice recorder, analog, I mean, relatively.

I go. Like not on your phone, you mean like a separate entity that like we used when we were like 10 years old. It's a goes zzz, right? Every five minutes a buzz happens. Okay, and I lived this way yesterday. I wanna start, just go interrupt, that's often. Well, guess what?

It's more often than I realized, okay? I'm training myself on a new sense, which is like time's passage. Cause I don't. Oh, I get it. I'm like learning. Does it seem, so five minutes seems a lot more frequent than you previously.

I was like, are you kidding? Like I was like, that's a joke. Like, so like. You're time blind. Yeah. Wonderful. You know, so I'm either like yesterday, me and Chris, my, you know, lover of 15 year, whatever, my man, my fellow.

I love the word lover. Lover is it? I know. Yeah, it's just like, whatever. So the man in my life. OK. We go. We go into Staples, right?

I go, we're going to stop in Staples after Starbucks. I can't imagine you in a Staples. I just want to say. Can't picture it. What are you getting at a Staples? You don't belong. No, wait, in which sense? Like I'm too what for it?

You're too blazer and like shoes. But I am like the biggest slub. Like you think I am this? You're like fabulous. I cannot believe you think that about me. Cause I am t-shirt, jeans, that's a sweatshirt and no clothes. This we could go so far. This is like your perfect t-shirt, jeans, and sweatshirt, and no clothes. This could go so far.

This is your perfect T-shirt and perfect jeans. Your look in your special, Get on Your Knees on Netflix, Emmy nominated, that was the only time I've ever watched another person's special, a female comic special. I'm like, that's the outfit. Like, chills. You just carefully selected a gray T-shirt and jeans I'm like

that's what it should be that's what it is for me that's my taste like I think other people pull off other things that are great but I'm like that's it yes you got it okay that's really really great to hear because I mean as you can imagine the hunt for the gray tee because I was always I always wore that how did you so I wore it I would try different ones, right? But it was always the hunt for the perfect one. And it was very, very important that, because the show being this like,

it's about the blow job, right? Like, if I come out there and it's like cocktail dress, it's just a different thing for all sorts of reasons. You have to be plain, but perfectly plain. And I want to be free to like move without trying to hold my posture in any particular way. for all sorts of reasons, right? You have to be plain, but perfectly plain. And I want to be free to move without trying to hold my posture in any particular way. I remember I once did a five minute taping,

and all I had brought was a skirt, because I was like, it's a taping, and the second I set up on the stage, I was like, this is a bad set. I cannot be in a skirt. I just, my set was bad, and it was over. I have a question. Is this Staples?

You, I would see you at a Staples. I can't believe you think I'm fabulous. You're not Staples. No, this is almost. You can be sad, cause you're also a sad, weepy girl. Like you're a sad, sleepy. Sad, sleepy, weepy.

Oh, so you had sleepy or weepy and sleepy? Oh yeah, that reminds me. Okay, I decided that my book I put out nine years ago. I can tell you all. How do weep in public? It's time to make it a best seller. How do weep in public? How do weep in public?

Feeble offerings on depression from one who knows. The confidence, which I say it now because I'm so distanced from the work. I had a nightmare about it actually the other night. I had a nightmare this woman was telling me. I didn't like it. about it actually the other night. I had a nightmare this woman was telling me. I didn't like it.

And I was like, I also have problems with it. No one has more criticism of my work than me. That's what they never realize. True. It's like, oh, you commenter, you see problems with me? Like, are you kidding? Like, no, because my special's on YouTube and I'll see mean comments every now and then when I check.

And I'm like, yeah, I think my stand-up sucks too. I hate this set. I would never do these jokes anymore. I know. Duh. I really thought. I know, like they think you're behind it in a way that only the person behind it could not hate more.

It's like, I don't really, that didn't make sense, but I don't feel like I don't stand by the work or something. This was in my dream. I was like, I stand by the premise. I woke up once from a dream, literally. I woke myself up, because I do this, I talk in my sleep, going, finally someone articulated how good work

and everything I hate about it. You did not? Yeah. I heard it on,, the very things I hate about it. You did not. Yeah. I heard it on, cause I was, well, voice recorder, I never, see. So go back to your in-sequels. So I have no sense of how long we've been going, right? Okay.

Because I haven't been buzzed. Approximately, what is it in your head? What do you think? 30 seconds. Yeah, no, it's not always short or longer. It's like, I'm too scared to guess, cause you know when you're going to guess and then you're so used to being wrong

that you then overcorrect? Yeah, yeah. So now I'm like, six? We can wrap up. Six what? Oh. You can't just say one number. I mean, six minutes?

I think longer. Eight. Eight? Oh, pretty good. Not bad. I would have said 10. But I Oh, pretty good. Not bad. I would have said ten. But I have my own thing going because my mom and baby are in studio and I'm like shut up to my baby, which is not how I would be, but because I'm at work.

Of course. Are you a big dreamer? Do you dream a lot? Yeah, you? A huge dreamer. Yeah, it's like a big part of your life. And it's also a source of anxiety. Also, are you the type of dreamer where if something happens in your dreams it carries

on for the rest of the week, like the feeling? So again, part of my systems now, because I'm taking back my life, journal, right there, I'm committing to writing down, even if it's just like four words from the dream. That's locked in now. And if I take even one second- Wait, that system is locked in?

I mean, I've done it five days in a row. Okay, locked in. You're like, you've spent 30 years. I know, that's. Wait, that system is locked in? I mean, I've done it five days in a row. Okay, locked in. You're like, it's been 30 years. I know, that's, to make it a system, new system to make it two days, literally to do, because I forget that I created a system. I feel like I was just walking down the street in New York City and a crazy woman stopped me

and cornered me and I can't get out and I don't want to get out. You can't, okay. That is, that's, okay, that's amazing, thank you. That is, that is the best, maybe maybe sort of endorsement of my work. Because it's like, yeah, you know what I mean? Like it's like, it's yeah and yeah. Yeah, it's like I didn't expect this.

Wait, I'm sorry, but we do need to, there's systems. I still haven't told you. Staples. So here it goes, you ready? Why did you you. Staples. So here we go, is it ready? Why did you go to Staples? You don't even know anymore? You were just telling me. No, I went to Staples to browse.

Of course. Wait, that's what you were telling us? No, you mean what the story was? Yeah. No, no, the story was, oh sorry, I forgot, right. The story was, I go into Staples with Chris, okay, my lover of 15 years, I say it again, and we go in, my thing goes off when we're going in, okay, so I pull out my analog recorder, you know, I got 1155, entering Staples with

Chris, okay, put it away, right, then we go, we look around, look at it, do iPads interest me, you know, I've never really seen a use for one, what could be the use for one, whatever, we get to another area, really I'm in there, I have an idea about a use for one, what could be the use for one, whatever. We get to another area. Really, I'm in there, I have an idea about a particular post that I'm looking for, for my systems, okay? And we get through it, and we finally leave. Oh, and my thing went off like twice while I was in there.

And I was like, so just to be clear, that felt like five minutes to me. I felt like we stopped in there for four to five minutes. And Chris is like, oh, it felt like forever. Okay? And I was like, then we went to Ralph's, okay? Because I didn't have my phone left at home on purpose. What? Okay, that's part of it.

So now I've got my thing buzzing every five. And I go, usually I'm the one that's lost in the grocery store and he's already checking out and can't find me, right? Yeah. So this time I'm so aware of time, I'm like, I'm gonna go up to the checkout. He's probably there.

I'm gonna anticipate it this time. I go to the checkout, he's not there. I wait. I'm like, what is going on? Something's not right. Okay, I'm like five minutes. I'm never done before him. Five minutes passed.

This thing hits another five minutes. If I get another buzz, okay, I'm talking to security. Some things, I started to think, you know that movie, Sandra Bullock was the remake, but then there's the like French one, the original, it's like The Vanishing, it's sheer genius, okay? To be clear. Okay, I'm watching it tonight.

It's just, yeah, no, it's, you're gonna, we'll do another podcast like about it, okay? But it's like just, you know, casual thing, and then like your partner like disappears, like it's just gone, you know, and like, like the superman, and I go, oh God, it's happening. Then I go, if he collapsed his head on a corner of a tomato box, okay. I was like, there would have been fanfare.

I would have heard sirens, whatever. So it's like he's been taken. Or he's left without me because he forgot I was with him. The buzzer goes off again. I start flying through the aisles. I find him. I mean, it's just the point is like the reality of the time, it's like I'm learning a new sense.

The fact that I thought something was severely wrong would normally it would just be, again, browsing, looking for inspiration in the aisles. It's so interesting because wouldn't just a regular watch also help in that situation? No. You have to remember to look at it. Right, that's right. You need the reminder to look at it.

Yes. All it means is five minutes have passed from the last time it buzzed. And that continues to be a shock. I'm still putting on my shoes to leave. I just can't imagine. Can you imagine being at Staples and you see a woman walking in

and she's talking into an old school reporter. She's like, I'm here at Staples with Chris, it's 1155. You'd be like, oh, there's gonna be a bomb. Or that you're a detective. Well, yeah, exactly. And you know what I did to be slick, okay? Cause we're in line and I was like, shit, it went off. I gotta make my mark.

I go, hey, I'm in Staples. Talk to you later. Oh, pretend. Pretend like it was phone or something. You gotta do that. Wait till you see my hand. That's what I do when I'm like, whenever I dare try to make a TikTok in public,

I'm like, I'll just do whatever the mannerisms that will make it feel like it's a FaceTime. Yes. Cause for some reason that's fine. I know. But the other thing is humiliating. To create art. Content.

Scary stuff. Where do you draw the line between the two? Can you tell me about your sleepy weepies and how sleepy you are and how weepy you are? Well, do you have a sleep disorder? So much to say. I really Do you have a sleep disorder? So much to say. I really want to know everything about sleep disorder. Are you a hypersomniac?

When you say sleepy weepy? No, but I'm just I'm like fascinated with sleep because I have like some weird shit going on. She's a bedrotter. I'm a bedrotter, but I'm also like a very, I'm a lucid dreamer. Are you serious? Yeah.

Oh no. Wow. Like a serious? Yeah. Oh no. Wow. Like a lot? Like you do it, you're like. Enough, I did it more when I was younger and now not so much, but like I can have sex with other people in my dreams, fully enjoy it.

And then wake up and be like, that was fun. Gotta ask though, are there like on the energetic plane that the dreams are on, right? Like, if you're like having sex in the etheric plane, like, are you kind of, is it, I'm not saying like, is it having an energetic effect and what might that be? Right? Yeah. Like, is it, is the, you know, down there in the unconscious

or whatever on that level, like, well, here's what I'm really asking. Have you ever astral projected? I've never astral projected. What is that? Because that's when you, you leave your body. So your body's laying in bed, you float out. There's a silver cord notoriously connecting the belly

of you to your etheric body. Is this real? Yeah. People astral project. It's incredible. I never. Have you done this? No, what's this real? Yeah. People actually project. It's incredible. I never. Have you done this? No, once I got an arm out.

And you could see that the arm was out? No, no, because I couldn't see it, but one arm and it kind of went through a wall. Okay, you know, and then I forgot I'd started this practice and it all fell apart. Okay, but. Because you can train astral projection. You can also train lucid dreaming.

Yes. I mean. What? So do you do any checks or you don't need them? Well apart, okay, but. Because you can train astral projection. You can also train lucid dreaming. Yes. I mean. What? So do you do any checks or you don't need them? You're so pro. So you do checks with lucid dreaming. Like so, you know, classic would be like, you look at the time.

Cause like the numbers on your watch will be messed up. Yeah, I think that you can either. So when I was a kid, it happened organically. I never even had to figure it out, but I later found out what it was because I was having nocturnal emissions. I was having sex and having real orgasms in my sleep and stuff.

Sorry, Esther, I know you're a mom. Yeah, why did we have to have this conversation today? Because you know, nocturnal emissions happen to everyone. But this is what I realized. Is that like a wet dream? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But this is what I realized. Is that like a wet dream? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

But then while you're having it, you're very aware that it's a dream. That's what lucid dreaming is. It's like, this is a dream. I can control it. I'm an active participant. And I'm not like, there's no surprise when you wake up. Like one time I had a lucid dream

where a family member, like a relative who's no longer alive is in the dream. That's another way you sometimes realize. Realize you're dreaming, right? It's like, but you're not alive. Oh wait, maybe this is a dream, right? And I was like, wait, I'm aware I'm dreaming. I finally can lucid dream.

And I was like, hang on to the family member. And I turned and flew into the forest and flew loops through the forest behind like my childhood home essentially. And it was like purples and pinks though and it was glorious. That's the great part about lucid dreaming is that you can enjoy flying.

I have flown in a dream recently and it was great. Tell me everything. It was like, I was on like some sort of like wheelie device Why are you laughing at that because flying generally means device list, right? Why are you flying with wheels? Let me explain like this is really like if you're on some sort of like picture like some tall contraption that has wheels and then you're like almost like a scooter and Then but you're like going really fast and you're like, it feels like you're flying. Okay, so you were basically like an airplane that took off. But open air.

No, I guess I was on a scooter, but felt like I was flying. But it was really awesome and better than flying, I swear. No, I once had one of the best dreams ever that was floating down this narrow, deep, sapphire rushing creek. And it was, but you weren't, there was no struggling, it was just like this, I deep, sapphire rushing creek. But there was no struggling, it was just like this,

I mean carried along. I feel like I was thirsty though. Like I'm dreaming of this, I'm chronically dehydrated. So I feel like I'm drawn to that. Well it was weird to wake up from that dream and then be like, oh there's nothing on earth that I could do that is that. I was like, oh, I love that experience in my dream,

but that's not, I can't do that. Oh, you're going water skiing? No, I'm really scared of everything that has to do with that kind of stuff. Like with physical, like action oriented. Water, action, ski, water ski, jet ski. Would you go for one of those, like city walk, the fake skydiving? I walk, the fake skydiving?

I would do the fake skydiving. Oh, where you're getting the airs flying up you. I've always been very curious, but whenever I'd walk past it, there's a line of 35-year-olds. Like 35-year-olds, not 35-year-olds. You know what I mean? It's like New York, Sex and the City, the trapeze. It's sort of the current of that. Whoa. That moment in New York, like Sex and the City, like the trapeze, like it's sort of like the current of that.

Like that moment in New York, now we're like tired of that, now we gotta be blown up in the air. Wait, so do you, what is your sleep issue? Oh yeah, so yeah, to be clear, you have to guide me. You can carry me down the river, keep me upright. We are our guiders, we love that. So like in my 20s in college and whatever, or starting really in high

school and then whatever it was like just constant sleep sleeping so long like and then I would have these you know in like my 20s these things where I'd fall asleep and I'd be asleep for like 28 hours. Okay what? Okay and then wake up and really and then like have to and time I worked at an ad agency and it was like, hi, I've been asleep. Epic dreams. Two alarms. Can you imagine?

Two days. Oh yeah, yeah. And so I went and got a sleep study around that time. You know, you do the like thing, you lay down and the thing, the whole thing. By the way, I slept till four in the afternoon, the day of the sleep study. So it was like,

Oh my God, my sleep. By accident. Oh, the day of the sleep study, so it was like- But they let, oh my god, my sleep- By accident. Oh, okay. So it was already kind of like weird, because I'm going in like fresh, you know what I mean? So, but I still fell asleep, right? And then slept a long time, and then meet with this woman who's like the head

of the, you know, institute, whatever there. And it's like, yeah, your brain wave's normal, this normal, like everything, you know. And she's like, I think you're just really tired. No. That can't be. That's crazy because 20, I'm still processing and digesting

that you slept for 28 hours. Well, she did give one other actually, like kind of compelling potential. She goes, there was one other woman once, okay. Okay, who had similar thing, these like sort of attacks of sleep. And at some point she got some kind of brain imaging and they were like, oh, you suffer from migraines. We can see it, you know, on your brain. She's like, no. So she was having migraine without the headache. Wait, I have that. And I might be having migraine without the headache. And that's

why you stay down. Those were migraines essentially have that. And I might be having migraine without the headache. And that's why you stay down. Those were migraines essentially, potentially. Cause I got a brain scan once where they're like, oh, do you have migraines? And I was like, no. And they're like, oh, nevermind then. But I had the migraine signs on my brain. I still to this day am freaked out.

Cause you don't have the headache. Later in life, then I did start to get them. I can't believe you had this. This is crazy. I did start to get them, but then I don't have them anymore. And I also talk to people who do get migraines, and their brain scan didn't show that. Right. How annoying.

I'm scared. Oh no, what's wrong with you both? Something in me is like, oh, that's cool. Like, you got this piece of information that you might not have gotten that could answer things. Do you feel rested after 28 hours, or do you feel more tired? I remember stumbling down in this apartment,

like stumbling down to the corner. I'm like, is the term bodega not in fashion anymore? OK, but whatever. Like, I was like, and I'll get vitamin water, you know, like the sugar. Oh, I remember those days when we thought that was healthy. I know. That was fun.

Yeah, I know, like guzzling it. Yeah, so I'd stumble around. It was healthy. I know. That was fun. A healthy drink. I know, like guzzling it. Yeah, so I'd stumble around. It was called sleep drunk. You know, when you've slept so much. It's like any time that you're like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I was knocking into things. And what can I say? Nine to five wasn't for me.

It's like, I sort of just like. I don't understand. You wake up. How do you even figure out that you've been asleep 28 hours? Did you panic? Oh, no. So it would be like this. It would be, you wake up, how do you even figure out that you've been asleep 28 hours? Did you panic? Oh no, so it would be like this, it would be like, wake up, I would be like, oh, what time is it? Oh wait, is it morning? Okay, let's say the first wake up, I should get up, okay, back to sleep.

So there would be these micro wakeups, but it was like I was only surfacing enough to know, oh no, now it's dark out again. Oh wow. And then like, and then at that point I'm like, well I might as well, you know, go back in cause I need to finish the war that I was fighting in my dream. Like there's a whole, you know how like you dream for like 40 minutes and it feels like nine years. So it's like, I'm like, well, I might as well

like avenge my family, you know, or whatever it is that I'm also doing in the dream. Yeah. Wait, that's what's so dreaming too, when you can wake up from something and go back into the dream, right? Yeah, I mean, I can do it. I guess I can do that sometimes.

Do you have to take like Provigil or Modafinil? What do those do? Those are the ones that keep you up. They help with like narcolepsy. Oh, you know, I never did anything like that, although, but it was more like I was prescribed, like, you know, Adderall, and I was on Wilbutrin already.

So it was sort of, this was all also, like, wrapped up in depression, you know? So it was sort of all kind of one big thing, but... Is there any resolve to this? Like, today, could you sleep for 28 hours by accident? Like, could this happen again? Like, it's hard to answer, in a way, but it wouldn't happen today. Yeah. But I could sort of see it happening if I was like really,

really depressed and in a context like in some hotel room or something like that. And, and I just stay asleep. I could sort of see that happening, but I don't think I'm, I don't think I'm at risk of that these days. I feel pretty, I wake, well, like another system, about two days into another one, you're really catching me at a watershed moment. Two days without coffee first thing. Cause I'm like up and I'm like living according to my memories of always being so tired that I just have to like down the caffeine.

So, and I'm like, I am up and my mind is working. Yeah. I don't need anything right now. I need to chill out. You're two days in. I need a downer in the morning if anything. A downer in the morning? I think I need a downer.

Wait. Champagne with breakfast. I've never heard of such a protocol. I know. Well, I haven't tried it yet, but. So my sleep issue is that like, I am getting sleep, but I'm still tried it yet, but. So my sleep issue is that I am getting sleep, but I'm still really tired all the time. And so that's freaking me out.

I even got an aura ring, because I was like, maybe I'm not really getting sleep. Let me check. I get the aura ring. I'm getting good scores. I'm getting my eight hours. But then it's like, I'm still like this lazy bum that doesn't want to move around and get up.

Maybe that's not sleep related. Really? Like you have low blood pressure. You're like me, I am Potsy. So no matter what I do, I'm always tired. Like I can always recline. Yeah. I never wanna just get up and do this.

I do, like suddenly I had all this energy and I don't even know quite what they mean by that. I don't either. Is there something, a motivational, physical feeling happening in you that's like? The closest I can feel to that is maybe when I'm excited about seeing someone or something. But never just this burst of like,

oh, I have energy legs all of a sudden. Like never, I've never had that in my life. I mean sure, if I do a set, then I come home and I'm like buzzing. Yeah, but certainly on a normal day, it's like when I watch other people and the things that they can accomplish, for example, even just my mom,

like she can just go, go, go, do, do, do, and I'm like, oh, like it's, what's wrong with me? Do you guys feel this way too? Yeah, I definitely do. Yeah, I mean this is like why I'm, you know what I mean? You're like all I have to do is just turn to this watch? Yeah, I definitely do. Yeah, I mean this is like why I'm, you know what I mean? Like I'm determined. All I have to do is gesture to this watch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, to the crazy. I'm trying to figure it out. Like the day I die, maybe I'll have like, the system has been perfected. It'll be time to start my life. It's like, it's definitely, that is my like, Twilight Zone is gonna happen for me. Yes.

It's time, you know? But not to be like so with the constant diagnosis and whatever, but is ADD a factor for you? I don't know, I've never. I'm wondering. Why, tell me why. Because you know, the ADHD brain, and I speak as, you know,

I speak like a fucking expert, like, but it's like motivation and being motivated by different things than more neurotypical brains. So like, I guess like the neurotypical brain, you're motivated by consequences, okay? Which is really interesting. And then the ADHD brain, they say, is motivated by like urgency in favor of consequences. So if you don't fill out this form,

you're not gonna get your money back at the whatever. It's not gonna happen. But if it was just someone being like, fill out this form right now, sign it. It's not a perfect example. But then the other ones are already motivated by interest. Yeah. But that's ADHD, right?

Yeah. And then passion. Yeah. Forgot the other. But I was like, yeah, Yeah. And then passion. Yeah. Forget the other. But I was like, yeah, I'll be lying there so, I'll be lying in a frozen, unable to do any of the things. And it's like you start a conversation with me, and I start to think, that's kind of interesting.

I wonder if there was a watch out there that does that for five minutes. And then I'm out of bed. You could trick me, just hacking your brain a little differently. You got excited by a specific idea. And then it turns into a hyper focus and then down the rabbit hole of that one specific thing.

Right. Oh, and then the hyper focus is like, the other time blind, but also, that's my favorite place to be. Yeah. It's heaven. Just what? Timeline hyper-focused, you're just completely just into something and the world does not exist around you.

That is really fun. That's why I say women are really into true crime and going down that road of true crime and hyper-fixating on all the different details and stuff. Well, the comfort of murder at night, I mean, is obvious. Like, right, like, it's everyone. I mean, in particular, like, no one doesn't want to go to bed listening to murder, like, right?

Like, I mean, like, like, it's like so common, right? Like, I mean, I certainly experience, like, Dateline, criminal minds. Like, it's just like put one on and close my eyes. I would also say, like, that's makeup and skincare, is that, like, that's, I went through that era so strongly of just like, that's all I'm thinking about, that's all I'm researching. There's so much there, there's so much to consume.

And that was what I realized, I can trace that back to being really anxious about when there's a lot of mass shootings, maybe like eight years ago or something, whatever, all the time. But I just got so particularly fixated and afraid that I couldn't consume anything other than makeup and beauty. I was like that's-

I mean, POOG arguably is like one big, like I have to bring up my own work again. No, yeah, I listen to your podcast every week. It's literally that, right? Like we talk about skin care nonstop, and I actually don't, it's like I don't even care that much about how my skin looks. It's not even about that, it's just like a...

An escape. I mean, some of it I do, right? But yeah, it becomes about... A hobby or something. The consumption, the research, the... Yeah. And it's like, when I get an idea, I wonder if there's a product that,

I mean, I it's like, when I get an idea, like, I wonder if there's a product that... I mean, I'm always like, you know, little inventions and whatever. You know, I wonder if there's a tape out there that, you know, like, frownies, but not frownies. Frownies, they always fall off and da-da-da. And frownies don't work when you have skincare on. They slide right off. So how would there be something that was sticky and a serum that's stuck on the thing? Like, either like inventing. I want my, okay, I just got an Oura ring, which I know you're into wearables.

Yeah. You don't, I had an Oura ring. I have an Oura ring, but like they get, they sent a free thing and I forgot my login. And so 12, 12 months have passed with it dry. I'm currently using a whoop, right? I love my whoop. Can't find it. Wait, did you get your horror ring for free?

Yeah. I begged them for like eight years and they have, how did you do it? I think it was early, but you're saying yours was early. No, I'm exaggerating. I mean, the thing is the ring itself, right, is it's like the money's in the subscription. I know, they charge you every month.

It's so ridiculous. It's, yeah. Wait, so I feel like, okay, so my invention that I need is like, I want more information about my body every day because my OCD, which I'm recently diagnosed and loving it. Yeah, yeah. Wait, well, only recently, so, okay.

I didn't know that like the way that my brain is treating me is just like obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have a problem. I thought this was just my personality. I'm nodding really big because when she finally told me, I was like, oh, how could you not have known? You obsessive person.

Well, sometimes if it runs in the family, OK, but I don't know. First of all, you all just have the same disorder. So you all just think that's how everything is. Okay, so the way that OCD, at least whatever, in my mind, I thought it was flipping the lights three times. I know, I know. But it's actually just being obsessive and compulsive.

Pure O, you know? Someone will be like, I'm pure O, obsessive-compulsive. No. Yeah, it's not always manifesting in being organized. Yeah, I didn't know people were like, are people be like, oh, I'm so OCD, I have to reorganize after you touch this. I'm like, oh, okay, I know I don't have that.

Exactly, yeah. Anyways, where were we? Oh yeah, I would love some more, an invention of more information about my body every day. Now is that, wait, but about the, were you saying because of your OCD, fixation on like health, what's going on in your body, you just want more data?

You mean, you're not saying to cure the OCD, you're saying to honor the OCD, to fulfill its needs. So I'm just trying to think, because I know I'm like, I like all this stuff. I know. I had this one thing you wear on your, like a wide, you know, I had a lucid dreaming mask, okay, that puts on and blinks red lights at you

in the middle of the night, so that you see the red lights without waking up in your dream, and you're like, I'm dreaming. Oh, that's great, that's a good one. Yeah, that's cool, it's called the, can't recall. Okay, and then Muse is another one you might like.

What's that? Goes on your forehead, okay, and it measures like the brain waves, and it gives you these little sound cues for when you might like, what's that? Goes on your forehead, okay? And it measures like the brain waves. And it gives you these little sound cues for when you get into, it gives you like biofeedback of like now you're in theta or whatever. Like, stay there, you're meditating. And these little birds start chirping when you're in theta,

like the ocean. And then like, I think the ocean gets like loud and like when you're starting to go back to. But wouldn't the awareness that you're in theta take you out of theta? That's the sweet spot of like that's where you're supposed to just that's why it's like it's like trying to not wake up. You brought up theta which is reminding me that my ultimate goal all the time is to achieve

a flow state. Yes. And it's nearly, why are you laughing at me? Why are you laughing at me? Because it's just. These are all my interests. I have nothing, it's just so funny and cute and so like hot girl LA.

What? I really wanna achieve a flow state. I do, because it's the same thing, like when you're in it, you're like, holy shit, it's happening. Yeah. But like, you can do it, I've done it when you're cleaning, when I'm taking care of the baby,

when I'm, you know the biggest one when you're on stage, that's the one you want. And it's like, ah, now that I know about this thing that sometimes happens, but I don't know how to get it, it's like I'm always like. So, I have advice. Okay, because all I do is research. But what were you gonna say? Because I want to hear it. I know you're not into drugs or life enhancers at the moment. Right. But I will say when I take the silo, the silo, it's flow state

all day long. I get so much done and I stay in that like pocket. Oh, that's so upsetting. But then when I'm not on it, I'm a mess. It's like I'm pulling out my luchador mask and while I'm supposed to be doing something else. Wait, what is that mask? The wrestling mask, the Rey Mysterio. Oh, okay.

I was like, I was like, I was like, is that a Saluma? Like, are we talking LED? You know what I mean? Wait, my friend just handed me a Saluma. Really? Yeah, I'm gonna try it for the first time. This one?

This one. Okay, it's huge, and by the way, like a facialist. I knew nothing about it. Recommended it as like, the, if you're gonna do one, do that one. Apparently. So, congrats. Thank you.

They're very expensive, they're just like the infrared. Was it a present for losing all your belongings? It was a present for losing half my face. Oh. Yeah. She was like, I think this is going to help you get your face back. She lost half her face and then all her stuff.

Yeah. Damn. The fires. Yeah. Well, yeah. I'm sorry. That's OK. I lose a dream.

Yeah. Yeah. She's like, yeah, yeah. I can lose a dream back into my old home. Do you have recurring mansions in your dreams that you visit? I have a recurring dream about a yellow house that I grew up in. And it is the most terrifying place. And I was just back there two days ago.

And my mom, I was telling my mom, we got to get out of here. We got all the bad things have happened here. And for the first time in my life, usually my nightmare is that no one wants to leave and I'm the only one saying, let's get out of here. For the first time she was like, you're right, let's get out of here and we got out of there. And I was like, this is a breakthrough. Huge.

Because I've had this dream my entire life. Huge. Wait, that's crazy. We got out of there and we were happy and I felt safe. Oh my God. Isn't that great? Wow. That is, I have recurring dreams too and I felt safe. Oh my God. Isn't that great? Wow. That is, I have recurring dreams too

and I recently had a breakthrough in one of my recurring ones and I don't remember what it was anymore but it was something at the time. Maybe watched like five months ago from an episode. Yeah, yeah. I said it there. I had one, cause I have a recurring dream

that it's Christmas and I've, Eve and I've forgotten to get my family gifts. Yeah. I have this recurring dream that it's Christmas and I've even I've forgotten to get my family gifts. Yeah, I have this recurring dream that it's like too late. All the stores are closed and they're not gonna be open the next morning. And I'm gonna have to like cobble something together I can find in like my bedroom. Or like CVS is it open 24 hours like, you know,

and whatever and then the breakthrough, because I mean, I have this all year long, all the time, the breakthrough exists here. I finally got to the morning and didn't have the presents. And I said, guys, it finally happened in the dream. I was like, you know the thing I always tell you I dreamed about, because in the dream, I'm telling them about the dream. I'm like, it finally happened.

Oh my god. No gifts. Did they care? They were fine. Yeah. That is a breakthrough. That's a huge breakthrough. I thought that was like, that was pretty good.

Today, my mom spent the night last night and she woke up and my mom and her fucking anxiety. She's like, I had a nightmare. What was a nightmare? I dreamt that all my teeth fell off. I vomited all of my teeth into my hands. Oh my God. And this is the same dream she's been telling me to scare me my whole life, which is that if you dream of losing your teeth, someone's gonna die.

So she's convinced, she's in my house still, walking around like someone's gonna die. That's tough. I know. Because I dream that shit all the time. But teeth, right? I mean, it's very, that's like a common like anxiety dream. Anxiety dream, yeah.

Yeah, I tell her, I was like, the reason you keep dreaming about falling teeth is because you're afraid of falling teeth. Yeah. Yeah. Of dreaming it. So you dream it all day long. Anyways.

Mine is always that I'm stuck in high school, that I have to go back. Oh, you loved high school. I know, but I'm like, I'm, it's an anxiety dream of like, oh, I guess I'm redoing high school. And there's always different variations. But it's usually where I'm like, no, I think I should leave and go to LA.

Like, I think I'll be fine. Do you ever get dreams where you're back with an ex and you're married with kids and you wake up and you're like, what happens in my life? I've seen that TV show where they're like, when they go to sleep, they're in the other life. So terrifying. Like, again, I mean, you're very tuned in,

so maybe that's like a multi-world situation. Maybe. I do not like that other world, though. I'll hate it. Yeah. Wait, this other one, which I really want to hear Jacqueline's take on, because I can't figure this one out,

but it's like, I will have a recurring dream. This is my most common one, where it's the morning of the last day of high school, and I'm picking out my clothes, take a shower, get my lunch together. I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna get to school if there's a car to take or something. Why?

The morning before the last day. I actually dream a bit about high school graduation. Usually for me it's this thing of, oh, I didn't realize that, oh, I have not been to the language class even once this year. Yeah. I haven not been to the language class even once this year. Yeah. I haven't been to, so like there's this recurring,

oh my God, I keep forgetting to go to those classes. That's very- Right, I'm gonna fail this class. And like, am I not gonna graduate? I mean, you know, my mom still has those dreams about college. She's like, not only did she not study for the final, it's like there's a final exam,

it's like she never even got the book. Oh. So deep. But you know what you do with the dream thing, with the scary thing in the dream? final exam, it's like she never even got the book. But you know what you do with the dream thing, with the scary thing in the dream? This is like, so if every part of yourself in a dream is part of your psyche, like your fragmented psyche, right? It's like the goal is to reincorporate or whatever, so all the parts of yourself, like these shadow parts,

and they're like scary because you've othered them, right? This is like my like bastardization of some Jungian whatever. Yeah. If you're able to do this in the dream, if you're able to go, oh, I'm having that scary dream again with like the sharp beaked bird, okay? This happened to me once, okay?

And it was like, and it was like, instead of running from it, you like turn to embrace it, basically. It will transform into something not scary. And it's like, it literally works. I did it once with the bird, and then they turned in these beautiful birds. And one time there was a devil woman at the door,

like a devil witch woman. And it was like, she's at the door, she's at the door. And I was like, I'm going to the door. Okay, and I was like she's at the door she's at the door and I was like I'm going to the door okay and I was like hello and I was like why do you have to be like this why do you have to be this like devil woman you know like what can't you just give it up like can't you just like and she's like I don't like I know I know like you are what you are like you just are what you are and you're that part of the world and she was kind kind of like, she was just sort of... That's sort of like, you know, making friends with your demons.

Yeah. And just being like, all right, then they don't hover over you. They're not like shaking in your face because you're... Like, it's just like the more you reject, the more you push it down, the more like angry it becomes. What you resist persists? the more angry it becomes. What you resist persists? Yes.

Hmm. Yeah. It gets stronger. But what was your advice about flow state? All right, so in my 20s, I was reading, I was trying to get into flow state. And I was reading that guy, like, Mikhail, like, it's a long name, it's like Russian,

longer name, but it's CZ, whatever. Well, thank you. He has a book, guess what's called? The Flow State. And he might've like coined it, right? And he's like, people are happiest in the flow state. They're happier in the flow state than they are when they're just happy, you know?

Like that's the closest thing we have to feeling how we wanna feel, like when people self-reporting and whatever. And what he identified was that it happens when on this graph of like difficulty and your like and your sort of skills or ability, it's like if it's too easy, then you're not gonna be in flow state. Right.

If it's truly beyond like your ability, not going to be in flow state. But if it's challenging you, but you're you're you're, you know, you're in the game. And so I think like on stage, right, it's like it's it's inherently like scary. And like the challenge is there. But you you get into flow state pulling it off. It's inherently scary and the challenge is there. But you get into flow state pulling it off. ["Floating in the Sky"] Shout out to our Golden Slugs, Thomas and Brandon, and also we have a Patreon.

You can get in at a link below. There is tons of bonus content this week. I uploaded a vlog with my mom, Kaila's in Hawaii, she has a blog up there with her and Jules, and there's new bonus content every single week. There's bonus episodes, you can get instant access when you join, I believe it's patreon.com slash trash Tuesday podcast, and there's a link below.

And there's a lot of stuff coming. Hello, Los Angeles. This Friday, April April 4th I will be doing another show at the Comedy Store Belly Room Esther and Friends it's gonna be really fun you can get tickets at the link below it's at 8 p.m. early for the moms and I'm so excited last one was so fun it sold out this, April 4th in LA. And Comedy Store tickets blow. And as always, check out Ebb Ocean Club. That's how we all look so pretty all the time. ["I'm Sorry"]

I'm sorry. No, we were talking about how I'm not remotely distracted by the baby. I'm not either. Hyper-focus. I think it's because it's your baby, so you hear her. Yeah, so right. You're too into her. Because whenever it's someone else's baby. You don't hear her probably. You're just like, it's your baby so you hear her. Yeah, so right. You're too into her. Because whenever it's someone else's baby.

You don't hear probably. You're just like, but when it's your baby, it's like something is going on. And I think it literally is. Yeah. It's like full chemical, whatever. Human programming. No, it's devastating to your systems.

Yeah. But we were just saying, like even on planes. Oh. That's really cute. It's like, what is my mom doing? I was trying to shake it. The baby? She literally goes, we'll go in here.

I was trying to shake it. I know. She meant the bottle. Oh, OK. I thought the baby too. And I was like, she meant gently though. We were saying like, it's sort of a relief when you hear an external thing to like interrupt the war going on in my head. Like when like I'm battling so much in my head that when I hear a baby cry, it's kind of like the cold. Construction also like I'm like bring it on. Like they're like, you know, this hotel had construction keeping me up all night.

Better than alone with myself. So much better. Drown my ass out. I need ambient noise, in fact. One time I was in Big Island and they have these frogs called the Koki frogs. And everyone complains. If you didn't grow up there, they just, they, what do frogs do? They ribbit really loudly all night.

As soon as I hear them, I'm knocked out, I'm asleep. It's like the symphony to, it's bedtime. Oh see for me, the best living situation I've ever had in my 36 years is when I lived on top of a bar in college. Oh I get that. And I would get to hear all night, all the girls and all the fun yelling and it was like, it was so soothing to me.

There's something about knowing that other people are living right near you, like existing. I cannot tell you how deeply I agree. Why is that though? To be behind a wall, a door, like for there to be a shield, but a lot going on right there. I mean, that's to me a little bit like listening to, that's a little bit like turning on Dateline to fall asleep.

Yeah. It's similar, it's like, they're going. It's like something's being taken care of. The hard part is having a partner who needs absolute silence to fall asleep, and then I'm just sweating next to him, like in my own personal hell. Going to bed is such a source of anxiety for me.

That is the worst. Like, I don't, people. Of whether it's gonna like fail? Like, whether you'll sleep well, or is it? Just like. Or all the time to go to bed? It's always been a scary time for me ever since I was little.

I never wanted to go to bed alone. I would have to have my mom sleep in my bed with me. Like, I don't like going to sleep, and I need to have others. And when I'm thinking about it now, it's like, oh, maybe it has to do with when we were in tribes or whatever and you needed someone to stay awake to keep you safe.

Oh, that's it, okay. But also like we live in a society that really, really pushes independent sleep, even in very, very small babies. And as a baby, I remember my mom breaking away from the norm of sleeping with your kid, co-sleeping, and having us sleep alone. And look at me as an adult, I can't sleep alone.

Like, I'm terrified. I didn't know how to sleep alone until two years ago. I would have, when my partner would leave or be on the road, I would have my mom and sister come over because I would be just terrified of my thoughts, the dark, being alone. Yeah, it was... Isn't it wild, like a psychologist says something

and then 20 years of, I don't know, babies being raised according to some, you know what I mean, some system or something, you gotta let them cry it out or whatever, these things. And then you have like, you have like a generation who all have like the same psychological problem. You know what I mean? Like, and then like, and then they're like,

actually independent sleep wasn't the answer. Like, it's just kind of terrifying. It's a weird idea to think that it's like, as a kid, well, mom and dad are sleeping together. They eat each other. And then now I have to be as a scared, young, new to the world thing. I have to be as a scared, young, new to the world thing. I have to be in my own room. Yeah. What is that? Like that, that, that, that's not seem normal. It almost like would seem more normal if one of the adults was off alone,

keeping watch or something. Yeah. I'm pretty sure like if, if ace were to be like, mom, I'm scared. He would absolutely just be like, Oh, I'm dying for that. Exactly. Like, I don't. You're like, how's it going in there? Do I hear somebody? Obviously, I'm grateful that she could sleep on her own now. I'm happy for her. But it's just not the way I pictured things.

It's just not. If she ever expresses interest in getting in our bed, that's happening. That's a go. That's a dream, right? Yeah. That's hysterical. But did you feel the societal pressure to like,

get her to? I didn't feel any societal pressure, but I did feel they really instill you with fear about co-sleeping. And so I was like, I'm just not gonna even go there. And I was just too scared. So I was like, whatever the safe sleep is, I'm just gonna do it because. Why take a chance? Yeah, and I was just too scared. So I was like, whatever the safe sleep is, I'm just gonna do it because... Why take a chance?

Yeah, and I was in... Some moms, though, like, they'll research it. I did not do the research before, so I wasn't prepared for what my preferences would be. And I think if I had gone into it, like, before the postpartum crazy started, with a plan for co-sleeping, maybe it would've been better. Because then I meet all these moms,

they're like, oh, I read this book, and we co-sleeping. Maybe I would've been better. Because then I meet all these moms who are like, oh, I read this book and we co-sleep and it's perfectly safe. And so I just sort of missed the boat on it. Yeah. Wait, mom, will you come over here? I want to ask you a question about sleep. Mom, come here. I actually pulled myself out of my crib

when I was like two. Like came in with like a bruise, like a rug burn on my forehead and was like, came into the kitchen and was like, and then from then on I, had me sleep on a mattress on the floor. I did not like the crib. Will you tell me what I was like to sleep as a baby?

Yeah. She never liked the crib either. When she was, wasn't even two years old, we decided to take the rails down. Yes. And we thought maybe she would sleep in the bed, but that didn't work, so she ended up sleeping with her sister until she was about five.

And then Leah kicked her out of bed. Oh my God. And then after that, then she started sleeping in a sleeping bag in our bedroom. So cute. Yeah. That's so cute. That's great.

Sounds great. And then after that, then I started lying in bed with her. And as soon as I tried to get out of bed, Mom, where are you going? Yeah. And was she anxious? And was she anxious? Three and a half years.

That's incredible. Three and a half years old. Yeah, one day I said, I said, do you wanna stop? I mean, enough is enough. I don't know the exact words, but she said, okay wow and that was it that's impressive look at you okay well thank you mom so I was afraid to

sleep alone oh yeah always yeah she never liked it anytime you put her in her crib she was just screaming crying the crib to be in a raised cage right to be like a bird cage The new fear that they're putting out there Yeah to the mom world is that a mattress on the floor is not it because there's it's not breathable and mold will Fester and write what your baby will have some will tell you the longest list of Fears that they just instill in your head. You'll never get it right.

Yeah, you're just choosing which way you're getting it wrong. Exactly. You're like, which way could I live with more? Yeah, but the mattress on the floor sounds like an easy solution. You're like, oh, that makes sense. What's our invention around motherhood and cribs, guys? Well, I do want to know,

cause you are a data user of Whoop and whatever. Is there something that you're looking for that you'd like to know that you're not getting? Or what is your favorite thing that you learned about yourself through those things? My God. All right. Let me think. Because I want so much. List them all, baby. Well, I want constant. I really do want to. The band I had on my forehead was not

that good with the brain waves. I really want the biofeedback that trains you. You know what I'd really like? I want it on stage. I want to have my set from before, also, like hour before the my set, right, from before, also, like hour before the whole thing, after, and see what's going on.

Yeah. Because if it's like, oh, this part's great, and da da da, and da da da, and it's like, my brain waves are in whatever state they're in, and it's like, oh, that's where the good stuff happens. What is, like, the end result, the ideal end result of, like, your current contraptions and systems? Are you trying to-

Oh, are you ready? Yeah. It's literally like in service of the arts. Yeah. I mean, it's so like, but it's all to, what wakes me in the night is this fear of not making as much art as I'd like to.

Of course. The constant morning, the unfinished projects. And I was looking through these notebooks and it was like 10 years ago and it's like, I'm doing the same, okay, I see these diaries. Okay, well what if tomorrow I were to do my day this way and did it, and it's like a lifetime of this kind of, and it does work,

like things do happen, like it'll. Well yeah, you've made a show, a special, you've written a book, like you get, you're clearly someone that can do it. So it's not like you've done nothing. So I understand, I feel similar, where it's like I've done things, but I'm like, well that'll never happen again,

because I can't, it's so hard. The whole, like to. Or like when you burn a whole hour of material, it's like, then what? I don't know. But do you ever have the opposite thought of like, I cannot believe I did that. Like, you look back and you're like, me, I did that?

That's incredible. Do you ever like, congratulate yourself? Oh, well I'm more like, I can't believe I did that. You mean like regret? No. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, like I don't know how I did that. Like an imposter to the past. Yeah, yeah.

Like that wasn't me. But it is, I relate to the struggle, I think most people do, who want to pursue something creative is why is it so hard to get it out there? Just this lifelong sort of fight with yourself. I mean, it's crazy. But it's also, I'm for it. It's like the only way I want to live.

It's like, it's wild. So yeah, I'm at Staples browsing in service of my, it's like, I'm like, I'm wearables because I'm like an artist. It's very, you know, it's weird. Oh, another invention. I had another invention, I thought. I know they have the boards you can write on in the shower

cause the shower for me is a place where like a lot of like my ideas are first, all of a sudden, like I'm super ambitious in the shower, I can do place where a lot of my ideas are first. All of a sudden, I'm super ambitious in the shower. I can do it all, right? Totally. There has to be something more than just a board to where, as I'm thinking it, it's being transcribed in full, not just bullet points. Oh, yes.

The thoughts or are you speaking aloud and it's recording? Speaking aloud and it's being transcribed somewhere. So. Yeah. And it's capturing the images I'm thinking in my brain in the shower. So that's no, so it's direct from your brain. Direct from my brain. You're not talking about my analog device inside of a waterproof bag.

No, no, no. We're not talking analog. Like something where I can just be like, boop, and it's downloading all of this vivid, like ambitious shit. Cause I've already in the shower, I'm from beginning to end, I have a whole plan. I get out of the shower, I'm like, oh, I've forgotten everything and I'm never gonna execute.

This is me falling asleep at night. Really? Same thing. Yeah, and then I sometimes will make a little note and then usually I don't, I'm like, I'll remember this. And then it's gone. I mean, you don't. It's gone.

Same, I never do either. I mean, I have some more systems for you. Because capture, which is what you're kind of talking about, the fear of not capturing. Yes. So you need one you trust. I download software, do writing in it, and forget that I downloaded software.

And the writing's lost. So the other day, I downloaded like, Craft, I think. I was like, a new writing software, that'll And the writing's lost. So the other day, I downloaded like craft, I think. I was like, a new writing software, that'll be fun, right? Download it, you already have a subscription. I do? I open it up, four projects inside of it, that I like wrote chapters, like gone. Wow.

But anyway, but- That's it, that's why. What else do I got going in here? Oh my God, the Hobonichi? Yeah. I got it too. Yes. But yours looks so much more better than mine. Well, did you get, because this is Jan through June.

No. It's two books. I'm trying this year and this is a, check this out, little dashboard, okay? Stays in the day, I throw stickies on that dashboard. That dashboard can come with me the next day. Oh my God. Okay?

You're sick. I know, but again, talk to me in one month. I mean, I have a completely empty one of these from last year with like two entries. And from the previous year. Wait, I just want to know like on your day, like what are you writing? Where are all these like things sticking out? Yeah, so a lot of those are like, so this is how I'm going to do it.

So this is how I'm going to do it, right? I don't stick always to the system is constantly evolving, right? So like right now, the first step is that I have to sit down with this thing. Okay. Like number one, get in front of the journal. Right. So I try to do that in the morning. So today, huge actually, and I was still late.

Okay. But today I go, I go 1 PM Burbank. Okay. This is me doing some quick planning in the morning. I go, parentheses 12 45 arrival to buy myself a little time for building, you know, lateness. Okay. Then I go, one PM, 45. So I go leave at noon, give 45 minutes. Yeah. Oh my God. I was like, I have 35 minutes before this other call. I'm like, wait, that's all I have. I had visions because I thought today,

okay, I was like, I got a, I can't with the blazer. I'm going to the Grove. Okay, I was imagining I was gonna do this before. Okay, I was gonna get like new makeup. Okay, I was like, I'm gonna get new makeup. Maybe I'll get a new blazer, okay? I'll buzz in there feeling like a million dollars for once. You know what I mean? And then I was like, I have 35 minutes to get ready. I was like, I guess I'm grabbing a lip gloss.

But that alone was huge. I did this once, like I was going to a wedding recently and I didn't bring the shoes, the exact shoes that I have that I really wanted to wear. And it was really bothering me the whole day of the wedding. I was like, I can't believe it. I have the perfect shoes, but they're in LA. I'm in New York, like there's nowhere.

And then there's the store that sells the shoes, like blocks away. I'm like, I'm just gonna go buy them. They're sure but they're in LA. I'm in New York, like there's nowhere. And then there's the store that sells the shoes, like blocks away, I'm like, I'm just gonna go buy them. They're sure, they're really expensive. I'm just gonna go buy a new pair. I have exactly the amount of time. I run, I'm in New York City, I'm running down like whatever. There's like tourists, and I'm just like this girl jogging in jeans.

I get to the store, there's a line to get in the store, and I'm like, the party's over, I can't. And I have to run back. It was such a, it was, I had this beautiful vision and it was like my life was romantic for the first time in so long and it was all worth it just because I had the fantasy of rebuying the shoes. You almost got there.

Yeah, yeah, you got to the anticipation. Yeah. But yeah, these ways of, I mean, like motivating, getting a little like inspiration to me is trying to fit something into not enough time. I'm like, imagine if I could somehow go to the Grove and have a new life before I get over to the podcast. All from Nordstrom's, you know?

My latest struggle is demand avoidance. Oh my God. It's a struggle. So are you ADHD? I have never been like officially diagnosed, but I definitely like see some, but demand avoidance has been a huge thing for me, especially as forever.

Yeah. The moment my mom says, do this, I promise you I am never doing that. She's asked me cause she wanted to return this little thing from me from Amazon. She's like, I want you I am never doing that. She asked me because she wanted to return this little thing from me from Amazon. She's like, I wanna save you money. I wanna get you your $42 back. The moment she said I had to, I was like,

I'm happy to lose those $42. I will only because she's asking me to give her the code from my Amazon for the rent. And she's by the way, she's doing all the work for me. Just so you know, if you ever wanted to, me and you could switch moms and neither of us would notice. Really? Like we could literally switch moms.

Like I'll come to your house and do your life. You come to mine. Maybe that would work. I do see that because your mom's love language is also vacuum and cleaning. Yeah. That's so great. I love it.

So I'm the girl who sits in bed, like just bed rotting while my mom is folding clothes around me. And I still, I'm angry at who sits in bed, like just bed rotting while my mom is folding clothes around me and I still, I'm angry at her. Of course. For doing all the right things. Yeah. I don't, no, I can't even imagine. I just need to feel hostile.

Does the cleaning feel hostile? The cleaning feels like she's trying to fill holes in her body. Right. It's not really, she's not doing it for me. She's doing it for something that's missing in her body. Right. And I really just want her to like hang with me and she's not really, she's not doing it for me. She's doing it for something that's missing in her body. And I really just want her to like hang with me

and she's not able to. She doesn't know how to hang. She has to be a busy body always. My dad, this is a big complaint in my household when my dad's like, I have no one to sit and watch TV with me because she'll be like, okay, I'll watch it. She'll sit down and then she'll get right back up.

It's like so crazy. But see, that's what I mean. I look at that and I'm like, what's wrong with me? Because I am laying in bed and I'm exhausted. Like when you get all of the sleep, you're still tired, right? Yeah, because that was like crazy, right? But you just mean like my regular getting enough sleep.

These days, I have enough energy. I will say it's more like halfway through the day. The anxiety, the thinking, the too much. I will need naps that are basically just about turning my brain off. It's like, and so it's kind of like, if I can get through, like the day is too, it's too much man, you know what I mean?

Like just leave it alone in my house. Like I need to wipe it. Yeah, power down. Yeah, powered out. So like lay down with literally an ice pack under my sort of neck. And I think of it like I'm cooling it off. Oh my God. That kind of works because that triggers

your like mammalian reflex. It does, it's something, yeah. Yeah, so it actually, it's a mammalian diving reflex where you put, for instance, when you, because I have palpitations, right? So I have an arrhythmia. So when my heart is popping off, the first thing I have to do is dunk my face,

obviously in like cold water. And that drives my heart rate down almost instantaneously. So it's the same thing. Because then when your heart rate goes down, then you feel more relaxed, then it all works out. I actually go to sleep with an ice pack. I mean, within a few minutes, like I kind of toss it aside usually,

but I'm like, I know that I'm gonna lay down and you know, there's like, yeah, there's the soft ones, you know, like they're fantastic, right? And you're just like, right under there. And it's just, it's such a difference from every other part of the day. It's so definably different. What about baths?

I do not like- Cause you're a bedrother, but- I don't like baths, surprisingly. I love extremely obnoxiously hot showers. Amazing. I'm always impressed by the people who really can hack it with the shower being, does it- But it's not good for me.

Does it hurt? I'm lightheaded. But the sensation- I think I've heard that it is good for you. I don't think so. I think it's good for you because the sauna is not good for you. But the sensation. I think I've heard that it is good for you. I don't think so. I think it's good for you because like the sauna and stuff is good for you. But because I have low blood pressure

and because I have like heart palpitations, like jacuzzis and stuff to trigger it. Oh, right. There's like a sign hanging outside the jacuzzi. But I've hacked it. So I've hacked all of this. This is gonna sound insane. I bring a cold coconut water in the shower with me.

Doesn't sound remotely insane. I never don't have a drink or my phone in the shower. Thank you. That I've changed. Oh my God. Thank you. I was a huge cracker eater in the shower. A cracker is crazy.

No, I know. I know. Doesn't it mush out just getting mushy in the shower? That's race against time. OK. It's like finally there's an excitement. Like here's what it would really be like. It would be like putting one saltine in my mouth and going and getting in the shower. And just there's an excitement. Here's what it would really be like, it'd be like putting one saltine in my mouth

and going and getting in the shower and just there's an overlap where that saltine kind of, but yeah, true dream, really, couple crackers and getting into the shower, it's so wrong. It is so wrong, but you know what, that's clever. It feels like an emergency. It is an emergency. It feels like things are like, things are like,

you're in the midst of a storm, okay, but you found some food and you're like, and so you're like freezing, but like, you know what I mean, like you're in the river, but like. Did you like play alone a lot as a kid? Your imagination is like so, it's just perfect. Thank you. Thank you, I'll accept.

We feel lonely child, that's the only thing I can think of. No, like I had good imagination friends. Yeah. I mean, not imagine. I actually never had an imaginary friend. I mean, like, you had a friend, we just like the basement of my house. We were like playing like apartment. Like it was like, it's our apartment. We're like lawyers. Can we do that? Can we play apartment later tonight? Why did we ever stop playing pretend? Wait, I still do. No, yeah. What's your secret play pretend? Wait, what's yours?

Oh my God, you guys will never guess. Okay, wait, wait, wait. What room does it take place in or is it everywhere? It's literally everywhere. But only my sister knows this deep dark secret of mine and I am so embarrassed. Should we guess? You would never guess. Should we choose like a 20 questions? Who am I? Are you a criminal?

No. Are you something magical? Kind of. Right. Are you a mermaid that? No. Okay. Do you have special ability?

No. Are you an animal? Yes, I'm human. Oh. What? Right, right. No, but it's actually, it's not even that extreme of an imagination. I'll just tell you. What? Right, right. No, but it's actually, it's not even that extreme of an imagination.

I'll just tell you. Right, fine, fine. I'm literally Miss Universe. Like you currently hold the title? I'm the title holder. I have a crown on my head. I do the wave. I've done it since I was a kid.

I've invented a song, my walkout song. Wait, since you were a kid. Okay. You guys wanna hear my song? Sure, yes. I made Bobby Recreate it on GarageBand. Because it's a made up song that you wrote. It's a made up song in my head.

Yeah. And on a bad day, I'm still waving with a crown on my head. I have so many questions, I'm so into this, but sing the song first. Okay, I'm not a good singer, but it goes, dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. And it repeats, and I am doing my walk out Miss Universe song.

Oh my God. And I haven't let go of this play pretend thing. So it's not that you're going about your day as Miss Universe would go about her day. Or are you? You're not Miss Universe driving in her car and just holding the title. It's just you play the moment of winning. The winning. Right, so you play the moment of winning? The winning. Right, so you play the, your name is said and out you come

and you'll do that, let's say, wherever you are, but will you actually physically do it like, you'll physically do the waving or just imagining yourself doing the waving? Oh, I'm doing the waving, I'm doing the whole walkout and the crazy thing is, this is how you know homophobic people are actually homosexual because I have talked shit about pageants my whole life.

So funny. And I've literally been like, why do they still do this? A swimsuit competition? This is so objectifying of women. And then the second you close the door to your house, you're like. It's not really exactly it.

Amazing, amazing. It's crazy. Do you walk out of a door? Do you use physical space for this? So will you walk out of a door or anything? I you walk out of a door? Like, do you use physical space for this? So will you walk out of a door or anything? I will walk out of a door. And the moment my sister hears the song, she knows that. She knows her role in it.

So you sing the melody. You sing your own background music when you do it. Yeah, I sing my own background music. So you go like, do, do, do. Uh-huh. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, do, do, do. Do you do any speeches? No speeches.

It's literally just a walkout. I think tonight you should give a speech. You think I should? Yeah, wouldn't you win tonight? I think you should have find some words. Okay, another secret private. If you wanna thank me. No, no, I literally memorized Miss Universe

Shushmita Sen's answer that made her Miss Universe. Wait, will you give it to us now? Is it the essence of a woman? Give it to me now, okay. Or is it too personal? Yeah, it's too personal. Totally. Like I can look it up later, but for you to right now say it is like your mantra

or something. Yeah, but it is her answer and it's really basic. It's basic pageant answer, but when I was younger, I was like, the essence of a woman. Shishmita Sen And I captured that moment. I took it in and I spent my whole life telling everyone how stupid pageants are and I walk around like a pageant queen.

Oh my God. You know what? Okay, this is very special. Wait, what? Was it too late for me to join Miss Universe? Well, maybe if they have like 40 year olds. Yeah. Well, no, my mom always says this thing.

It's like really interesting. She's like, you cannot, if you are put in any contest, you cannot shake this belief that you could win. So she has this thing that she says, which is like, if she at, you know, she said this at 55, at 70, it was like a thing we reference, right? She's like, if she went into Miss America Pageant or something like that, she's not gonna win, okay?

She's like, except as a joke or whatever, right? She shouldn't win. But when it comes to the moment of announcing there's something in you that's like, is it me? Yes, yes. Yes, I have had this one. I've been on actual competition shows. I go in and I'm like, there's no way,

I don't even wanna do this, but then you fall into the dance of it. Like destiny almost, like this story of destiny about yourself, like. It's like suddenly this world is the only world that matters, and like suddenly you're like, I'm gonna make it. It's like, no, you're not. It's not like that.

Did you do stand up? I did Last Comic Standing. Holy shit. And I think I got cut right before the final, no. I got cut. I got cut, I made it to the top like 100 and then maybe like at the top 40. I don't remember.

It was so, I literally was like, I don't even wanna do this. I had a bad, I should have taken it seriously and wanted to do it now. Who were the judges that year, Roseanne? Roseanne. Norm. Norm, and I forgot the third one

because my very, Roseanne was really nice to me and then Norm was really nice to me and then my second set, Norm was really mean and we got into this big altercation and I was so embarrassed afterwards that I had my agents be like, they can't air that, it's too humiliating, but now I think it's kind of funny. And then we since made up, but I was picked a huge fight

with him and felt bad, and then I ran into him years later and he didn't even remember it happened. But the whole time I was like, he hates me, I'm this little brat, I was holding on to this fake story. But yeah, anyways. It's set up for that. Yeah, because the stakes feel so high when the cameras and the lights,

and it's like 10 minutes ago, I didn't care about any of this. I know, but now you're in the world. It's like the same when you're watching those shows. Like when I'm watching, like, so you think you can dance, big one, like it's so incredible. I mean, like the artistry that we get to see.

We get to see choreography. We get to see. So when they're like, whether they're going to make it to Vegas or whatever, I mean, I'm so in it with them. It's unbelievable. I think nothing matters but them winning. You know how I feel?

I know. OK, I feel like we could talk forever. I know. I know. I'll never leave. I actually won't be satisfied until you sign a contract that allows me to become a documentarian of your life. I want to follow you home.

I want to see your place. I need to know everything. Oh my god, you'll be shocked. I'll start sending you videos of my home. OK. It's like, please? Because I'm like, I live in chaos. Anyway, this has been huge. Oh my gosh.

Thank you so much. Seriously, and also, I am a paid subscriber of her podcast. It's the Novak and Brilliant Untitled Project, is that what it's called now? Currently it's Brilliant Novak. Brilliant and Novak Untitled Podcast, formerly POOG. But I listen every week, and it's the only hour of my week where I feel seen and understood while I'm just cleaning.

All one can hope to offer in an audio project. It's so important to me. Thank you. It has gotten me through, truly. It's the best podcast. You guys have to listen to it. And if you haven't watched her Netflix special yet, get on your knees.

Watch it for the outfit alone. That outfit, really That outfit really. Thank you. You figured something out with that. Thank you. You created a genre. It was Emmy nominated, no big deal, so check that out on Netflix.

And anything else? We're just waiting for your five minute, I can't wait to hear how long you go for the five minute beeper. Oh my God. Buzzer. I know, I think it's gonna be huge. I know. Last night I played it back in the shower.

I played back the day. You did? Because the day's just three minutes. Every five minutes, what I'm doing. But just really quick. So three minutes at the end of the day, it's like 11.55, walking into Staples. 12, da da da da da.

12.05, leaving Staples. Damn. 12.06, just got a text, kinda got off track, and I listened to it while I was showering. This is a really interesting experiment, like this should be, like this should go viral on TikTok. Yeah. Like this is an experiment, like kids should be doing this.

By kids I mean 28 year olds, but. Yeah, no, we'll see. Yeah, well Jacqueline, thank you, we love you. Thank you so much for having me, what a delightful conversation. We're addicted, and slugs, we'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Oh my god.

You're so, I'm like not even.