Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - It's Our Party ft. Rudy Jules & Jenna Jiménez

Episode Date: December 2, 2025

Upgrade your sleep with Miracle Made! Go to https://trymiracle.com/TRASHTUESDAY  and use the code TRASHTUESDAY to claim your FREE 3 PIECE TOWEL SET and SAVE over 40% OFF BTS, BONUS CONTENT AND MORE! Only on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast     It's our party and we are crying. Together with Rudy Jules and Tia Jenna, we open up about our challenges, the loved ones we’ve lost, and reflect on the versions of ourselves we’re still learning to love. The girls pull together, guiding each other through the heavy moments and reminding us that even on the hardest days, we don’t have to carry everything alone. Esther LIVE! December 12 https://www.showclix.com/event/esther-povitsky-december12th  *Listen to Esther's New Solo Pod!* https://www.esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com *Visit Ebb Ocean Club & Holiday Shop* https://www.ebboceanclub.com/ for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products! FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday  MORE ESTHER:TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/  MORE KHALYLA:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/ Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A   PRODUCTION:Studio Ten42: https://www.instagram.com/studioten42/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Arielle Jade (Editor): https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ Elisa Hernandez Kohler: https://www.instagram.com/ellie.lianna/ Megan Clements:  https://www.instagram.com/egggymeg/ 

I'm just going to start crying too. Cry, it's okay. Oh my God, I'm the only one on Lexapro. This sucks. I don't get to participate. Hi, guys. Guess what? I'm doing one more show in LA before the end of the year and probably before this pregnancy is over.

December 12th in Los Angeles at the Comedy Store in the belly room. You can get tickets at the link below. I'm really excited. If you haven't seen me on this tour yet, this is your last opportunity. in L.A. to come and see all this material that I'm really excited to share. It'll be fun. We'll do Q&A and it's a really intimate space and these shows have been so much fun. I'll see you there. Hey Slugs, check out our Patreon this week. We have new stuff coming every week, bonus episodes and more and shout out to our Golden Slug, Brandon.

I feel like today is a rough one for everyone. so brain dead too. You look pretty though. Yeah, you look pretty for being brain dead. I don't even have, I don't know, makeup or anything. That's good, Jules. It's okay to be dumb as long as you're pretty. Wait, Kalila, I actually thought you walked in looking really pretty too. Yeah. No, makeup, look, can I tell you where my day started wrong?

What? My day started wrong because, you know, when you have a cystic pimple and then you tell yourself, I know, you, you, oh, I hate you. Yeah, because I'm dry, it's horrible to be dry. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm flaky everywhere. And you look like you're 10 and you never age. No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, what's going on? Okay, so just, you know, the sunglasses are not covering your pimple here. Your eyes are beautiful. To all my pimply girlies, shout out, let me look at you. You know what a pimple hurts so bad, but it's cystic. There's no head to it. Yeah.

There's no head. There's no head. So it just sits there for like two weeks and you're like, Kallila, every day, it's a don't pop it. Kalila, don't fuck with it. Callila, don't fuck. Go see Magumi. Go see Magumi, my facialist. and get it sorted out there. But guess what I did this morning? I fucked with it.

And it bled everywhere and the stuff didn't even come out. I was like, I'm creating a head. I'm creating an exit. I didn't. I created a crater and a wound. When you say it bled everywhere, it sounds like you're talking about a person. Like it's not,

it's like a whole thing. Well, I name them. I name them because they're that big and they're that painful. They take on a full human identity. I mean, this is what your hard mourning is. No, trust me, there's more to it. I'll tell you on this.

But, you know, some other work-related stuff. Okay. You know, frustrations as a founder who is very low energy at the moment. Oh, true. We're a low-energy group. Jenna's about to bust in here. She's also having a day from hell. Well, she called me at 4 a.m.

She called you at 4 a.m. You called Kalila at 4 a.m. Yeah, I was having an episode. I'm the person she's, I give her that. Is your phone on at 4 a.m? It's not, but I am up all night still because I breastfeed. I'm happy she didn't pick up. I didn't want you to pick up.

I just was, I was feeling scared because it wouldn't stop. Everyone's doing really well today. This is the day from hell. Keep your sunglasses on because I am. Okay, great. I've been crying all morning, so I brought other sunglasses. Kalila looks really pretty today randomly with no makeup. This bitch.

No, no, no. She always looks pretty gorgeous. I can't. If I swear to God. She'd be like, oh my God, I look so ugly today. And I'm like, bitch, you look like America's next top model. You guys saying this That the men have turned on my looks on the internet

Because they're like she's not that pretty What happens or did she have a stroke? They just don't want you to No no no you know I'm the male gaze You know I only see like the male gaze sees You are male gazing I do not give love and support Just for trying or bravery

I'm honest What is that? Oh the good dates I thought figs I was gonna Oh no I'm allergic How's everyone eat the dates Eat the dates It'll soften your cervix

Oh wait not ready and still you're only six months i have no room left i am so bloated i was up all night i didn't know what admit it say something that esther that's going to hurt esther's feelings she goes is esther on maternity leave yet i was like she's six months pregnant joe oh my god what does that mean maternity leave you're large and in charge right now she thought you were about to pop tomorrow joel i was i will say it's not it's not a bad thing i walked in and i was like whoa you grew since three days ago The belly. Not the rest of you.

Who cares? You're fucking pregnant. You'd be growing. That's how it happens. I had my ultrasound yesterday from hell, but everything was fine. And they said that this baby's on track to be seven pounds. An ace was only five pounds, 15 ounces. But that's okay. Your pussy's already a runway. Yeah.

It's already the 405 freeway. You're good. No, it's a five-pound pussy exit hole. It's not a seven-pounder. After your first baby, I'm telling you, things can fit through there. I guess you got to get rid of it, or I got to stop. start fisting you. You guys think I look huge. No. I just thought you grew, Esther, the belly. But you know what? I know that you know that I'm getting fat and you're not going to tell me till

after. No, I'll tell you right now. Genuinely, I walked in, didn't notice it because I'm looking at your face and arms and your hands were like this and then you went like this. No. And you pulled it back. I know that the. Esther, you know I wouldn't lie to you. I would love to call you a fucking she's foaming at the mouth. She's waiting for her moment. It hasn't happened. I want to call you a fucking, what did I call you that a gumbo fucky? The only people I can trust are the incels in the comments. Those are my only real friends. They care about me.

Lord McFarker here. Also, I came with wet hair. Oh, wait, that's a, that's a vibe. I love it. Wait, I did it for you. I have a new anti-wet hair status. I blowdried my hair for the... Thank you.

I blowdried my hair for the first time in like, I think forever. Oh, God, this is so boring already. I can't believe. you can blow dry your hair it's dry the other day I was over there that's it and I yeah that's it that's it and I blue dry my hair I was like yeah

I want to get ready I shower wash my hair dry it she goes wow I mean guys it's like such a hack that you can like dry your hair with a you don't understand John I did it once and it's like game changer

I'm like okay so like you can shower now before we go we were coming here last week and she's like no it's okay I'm good like you could do it but she's not going to do it but I feel us though this is how it's like we're shockingly similar in ways that are so unexpected and I don't own a blow dryer

I just bought one me too two days ago it's not it wasn't even for me it was for Remy because he was pooed himself and we had to shower him multiple times and he needed a blow dryer did you see the new blow dryer I saw the green one. The green one.

Do you blow dryer her hair? I do, but I have the comb one, not just the... Oh, wait till she finds out. There's this tool. Because the comb one is so much easier than just like... You just brush. The normal one, yeah. I just like, I go like this and...

I don't even know how to blow dry my hair because I refuse to use... I don't have the arm energy to do this all in. No, no, no. Go on instinct. Just kind of feel it out. Because it's too cold to have what hair. But time out. Y'all have really good hair where no matter what you do,

you can and you too. I do it. This is what happens. Eb Ocean Club, guys. You want great hair that doesn't need to be blow-dried ever. Is it a self-drying shampoo? That's the same. Wait, I have to talk about Eb.

Oh, thank you. You know my friend Anna? With really long hair. Oh, yeah. And it's wavy. Yeah. It's not super curly. It's not super straight.

She's very particular and she has curls. She gets angry when people tell her to try new stuff in her hair. Okay. She's like, don't fucking tell me what to do. So I see her doing her process of ripping out her hair. She's already done the conditioner. This is why I don't brush. She puts so much conditioner on.

That's why she does it just so she doesn't rip out all her hair. And she's going like this with her comb. And she goes, this is okay, right? And I'm like, I don't want to tell her to try Ebb because she's just going to be, like, mad at me. I go, you know, it'd be really cool if you could just try this thing. This is Kalila. is like you know that you can trust her and she's like yeah you know I don't I don't change my process and I'm like okay but you're ripping out your hair right now and she's like okay I'm like I'll

do it for you just let me do it just let me do it so I get it before she can even think about it I go just a couple sprays I like douse her hair in it and she's like oh I feel like that's too much she goes like this what and now she said she's fucked she was like how much is it how much is it just tell me how much and I told her she's like wait it's not not even that expensive. Beautifully affordable for everyone. And you know, here's my...

I was like, yeah, Kalala's losing money. It's not expensive. You know, what's funny is that, like, the most messages I get are actually from parents who don't have the patients

to untangle kids' hair. Especially because they don't want... The kids don't want their hair brushed. And so I have this whole separate... Demographic. Demographic or customers that are like, oh, here. This is cute.

We love this for our babies. Are you the, like, Shane Mitchell's skincare? but for hair babies? Am I? How do you feel about that? I love it. I think the backlash is only like helping. There's backlash. I don't know anything. But you know the Shay Mitchell came out with like a line of face masks and all, basically

skin. Korean skin care, I think. Skin care for really young kids. And the argument against it is like, why are we even like talking about skin care for kids? But I would argue for it. that kids are, like the biggest customers in Sephora are like 10 year olds. So if they're already doing it and you're already like want to have a mother, daughter bonding moment, like why not just have a product that's specifically made for them

instead of having them use like the adult version? I don't know. It's just seems like the expensive P50. I think that there, the argument for it is that like kids are, you know, little girls, they'll steal mom's lipstick and makeup and try on her stuff anyway. like why... And don't need their own. Maybe there can be

like a safer, milder thing that they can use and have fun with on like a mommy daughter day. Is it makeup or just like... It's not makeup, it's like skin care. Like masks. Sheet masks. Her son mask.

I don't know about you, but I'm going to be using the baby skin care. And geared toward what age? Babies? Because you said 10, but you're saying baby. Well, the kids in the ads are quite little. But I think that's just because she used her daughter. I don't know how I feel about it.

I am just curious to see how. how it all pans out. I think it's going to like be huge success. Yeah. Whenever something starts like where everyone hates it, it's going to be so big. Maybe that was her intention too. Yeah.

Have a little bit of, uh-uh. Isn't like backlash like the goal if you start something? Especially if you have a good product. Yeah. Because then people try it and are like, damn. Also, it's already started this whole skin care for younger people with like the pimple stickers at like eight years old. A 54 year old Bobby Lee is.

Starface's biggest customer Tito Bobby loves that. He doesn't even get pimples. He's just like... Well, we just talked about this on the last pot on Tiger Belly, how it's like, when I would get a pimple, I was so insecure about it

that my friend Jessica had this hack of like turning them into moles. So if it was in like a not too weird of a place, I would get eyeliner and just like draw on the pimple. And it's like, okay, I'd rather have this massive mole than have a pimple because having pimples was like such like a bad you know like no way that that looked right guys i think pimples are

cute i do too now i do yeah they make you look young oh yeah that's why there's this whole number it was like i don't know what fashion week it was where they intentionally made the models look pimply that's cute because it was um it gave off the like you know um teen acne years ago when i was having really bad cystic acne when i would like cry every time i would get another one because it would hyperpigment and be so dark for like a year you get it if we have a little scratch we're dark for a year there yeah i posted a picture of it online on instagram because i was just like this is actually kind of cute if i think about it without all the stuff that society is putting on it and i posted it and i said like pimp whatever the backlash that i got from men telling me how

fucking disgusting and ugly it was to post that nasty shit i bet you i would have been there honest with the men like this is ugly you could trust me always I think that today's episode theme should be pity party and we need to all go around and get pity and I'm obviously going first in line with my my tray is ready to receive pity I got no sleep last night because I'm so uncomfortable I have an am anemic so I finally started my iron supplement so you know that's making me more constipated Jules I know you can relate and I'm just so big and I'm bloated not get comfortable, acid reflux burning, no sleep all night. Like, I'm so tired. By the way, you always know that I'm doing bad when I have makeup on. That's like ever since high school,

if I was like, if I had a cold in high school, I'd always put like purple eye shadow. I would just like try to mask it by looking good. But I like that though, because it kind of helps you feel better too. Yeah. It's a good hack. But now I don't, if I'm sick, I just stay in bed and do nothing. Yeah, I just don't feel good. And Jules thinks I'm ready to give birth. And I have three months. I have three months left. And this is going to be a normal-sized baby. I pity you.

I pity you so bad. I feel so bad. Yes, I do for the anemia. I do feel so bad for you. Because the lack of sleep, six hours, I know six hours sounds like a lot for people. I need nine and a half hours to feel okay. Also, my grandma did die. I know.

I know. It's okay. Sorry. She actually died on the same day as her mother. I know. That's crazy. and also like kind of beautiful. I know.

That does make me feel a little bit of peace. How's your mom doing? She's okay. I think it's a lot. And I do think that there is something about the pregnancy. Either it's the combo of the hormones or the constant physical misery that like I'm not able to really feel or take on this death. Like I'm just sort of going through the motions and like trying to keep it light. Are you close with her?

She's my only grandparent that I really ever had. But it was ups and downs, you know? Like she did teach me how to make pies. Oh my gosh. My rhubarb one? That blueberry, cherry, apple. She definitely was like a great baker. And does she still keep her recipes?

Because I always think it's so cute when you see those handwritten recipes. I would frame those. I know. I'll have to find out. My mom has those. I should just steal them from my mom. Steal them and frame them and put them up in your kitchen. And if she has a lot, turn into a book, laminate it.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, I should do that. I feel sorry for you. I do feel like that's that's a lot. And if I were you, I would be crying. I see how when you said I feel sorry for her, she did the lip pouch. Yeah, you guys should actually replay that. Yeah. I had something happen where I was really feeling good. Whatever that was. Were you turned on? Something happened. When you said you feel sorry for me, something happened in me. And it was positive. Yeah, I felt good. Wow. I don't feel sorry for you now.

Oh, why do I like pity so much? Let me hold your hand. And you return. Let's put a you, Jenna. Look at, wait, wait, I'm not done. I'm not done. I do have to say one other thing. I have to call my mom out. So my grandma's being cremated.

My mom has some of my grandfather's ashes because my grandma wanted some. So my mom is going to get some of my grandma's ashes to, like, have them together. And we're talking to my mom, and she's like, yeah, so I'm going to get about six tablespoons. And we're like, what? What? Six tablespoons of grandma. Are you making her into banana bread? Are you making a pie? And then I didn't say anything when she said it, but then, like, my gossipy drama self, like, I then back channeled, like, called my sister, called my dad privately. I was like, did you guys hear that mom said six tablespoons? And, like, Dave was having a whole.

That doesn't seem real. Because at first you hear it, you're like, mm-hmm. And then you're like, what? Hold up. When Bobby's dad passed away, maybe he just made this up, but he was like, I want the ashes of the lower half. And he gave the top half to his brother because he says he doesn't want to be haunted by the top half. So he just keeps the lower half in his home. So it's like if there's going to be a ghost, it's just going to be like a torso and legs. I don't think you can calculate.

So with a six tablespoons, what do you think we're getting like a hand? Sorry, this is so dark It's so dark. It's okay. If she got hands the size of years, you're going to need three hands to make six tablespoons. She was really tiny at the end, obviously. Oh, RIP grandma. Yeah, RIP grandma. She lived a great life, a woman of many secrets, and many gold bangles from Saudi Arabia.

I love gold bangles. It's very much like an older, like, Tita, Filipino Tita vibe. when the older you get the more like alahas like which is the more adorned you are and it is such a vibe they're really usually over perfumed they take very very like immaculate care of themselves and they just come up shiny with jewelry do you know that i love that like you see so yeah oh and always really red lipstick and it is such a vibe and it's a i could never aspire to be that because i know i don't have the energy for that but i used to look up to my aunties and be like wow Like, you're incredible and beautiful. I love that, especially an older woman, because older women gets such a bad rap of, like, don't, like, that's too much. You're too old to be dressing like that. You're too old to be adorning. I know.

I think when my mom, she'll be like, am I too old to wear these kinds of jeans? My mom does that same shit too. I'm like, no, there's no such thing. There's no such thing. I, first of all, for some reason, like, become the biggest pushover when there's, I give whatever my sister, my mom want, they can have. but I do think I'll get a gold bingle or two because their fat wrists are not going to fit into my sister's fat wrists that you've got

I don't know we'll see you're only your wrist your wrists are like goals yeah I know what I would hate wrist in 2001 guys those are not goals those are accidents you can't do anything with those wrists what are you talking about

but it's so tiny I have small wrists and come here Jules, you're tiny, too. Look at this, Jules. How tall are you, Jules? Five, five. Someone could grab her and break her wrist. That's not goals. All right.

Who's getting pity next? Because I'll just keep going if somebody doesn't take over. Well, mine's going to take only 30 seconds. You want to go? Yeah, I'll go. Okay. I'm having a crisis, an identity crisis. Okay, next.

That's kidding. That's it. That's all. That's it. That's what I do to Dave. When he finally speaks up on my head. And I'm joking And then he gets mad at them won't continue

I've been there When you're like, babe, just tell me, tell me. And then he starts talking And you're like, okay done Oh, oh, you're like boring I know that's your line You're like boring And he goes

Never mind And then he never talks to me again Okay, I'm just kidding When I started my brand Eb I was single I was diving I was hot I was aspirational

I lived all of these things We're about to enter a very like important season with with ebb in the business and i feel very flat very fat very um not aspirational and not something to look up to and i feel a little bit like um yeah just like kind of like out of sorts like i i love being a mom my whole i you know in the beginning when you were like oh my whole identity is being a mom like i get it now like nothing will ever top that but yeah i feel a little lost in like who I am I feel like I'm not someone to like look up to like in any way and when you

when you're starting a brand and they need you to be aspirational I'm finding it hard to find like I don't feel that way I don't feel like I'm someone to like look up to like right now because I'm splayed in the dark with my baby I breastfeed and that to me is my whole world but maybe to others that's not quite what they need from me and so I'm having a little bit of a crisis. This is really interesting and obviously like so many things I'm hearing I can relate to so it's very easy for me to hand the pity over. Thank you. I know that like you're when someone tells you their problems I guess you're like not supposed to try to fix them but I part of me does at least want to ask and you don't have to answer like is there and because I'm over here

feeling very similar to you but like I feel like I'm trapped by pregnancy and in my mind I'm like once it's over I'll be like amazing again. I'm just curious for you, like, is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Is there any, or not even that, like, a path? Is there any one step that you could take or anything that could get you to feeling a way you want to feel? I mean, I have been doing all of the above. I am starting to work out again, all of these things. But it's more of like a mind.

It's like, it's weird. It's like a Madonna horror complex. When I'm a mom, I'm so locked into that. And I'm so just like one one brained about that, like one lane. It's so hard for me to switch channels and be this other fun, exciting thing. I don't feel fun and exciting. And my whole brand is fun and exciting because I founded it when my, I was fun and exciting. Do you feel at least though that like you will be able to?

Are you at least, or in this moment, are you like, it's, I'm just, it's over for me. Oh, no, it's not over because I mean, all of the things that I love, like diving, all of these things. are all still there, I just like, I don't have the time and the resources to do that now. My baby's so young. My baby needs me. I don't want to invalidate what you're saying and what you're feeling because it's real and it's, I can't even imagine. But I also wonder if, like, you don't feel like you're inspirational because you're not meant to feel inspirational about, like, real people. Yeah.

You know, like, I think... What? Not inspirational, aspirational. Yeah. You didn't grow up feeling like you wanted to aspire to be who you are. Yeah. Because there weren't people like that. Yeah.

There weren't like these role models of women who were real people who were allowed to change who they were, who were allowed to grow, who are allowed to be women and mom and sweatpants and who are also allowed to be free and adventurous and fun, like you said. And so I feel like this is the ultimate aspirational. icon like a woman who is whatever she is whenever she is and there's so many other women out there who are probably being like oh fuck I thought this was only like a hot girl brand and I had to be like fun and diving and doing these things but I'm a mom at home with fucking sweatpants with leaky titties and this is also a brand for me I feel like you're feeling it in this very specific context right you have this your storyline right now it's like I have this brand I can't live up to it it's really clear and I feel like I'm relating to it.

Like, it's so many emotions are coming up for me because I'm like, I feel like this too. I feel like I three years ago or whatever before A's, like, I was like, I'm gonna say it, I was skinny. And I was fucking going to Pilates. And I was getting a latte and walking an hour and 15 minutes. And like I was going to New York all the time and doing sets and walking around.

And I just feel like there's, there's this old life that I really fucking miss and I don't know that I'm ever going to have it again and I'm like upset about it and I think about it a lot and I'm sad and that's really not a that's a new experience for me. I've never like I mean I guess it's not because you know I'm fucking reminisce about high school and shit and I can't get that back you know and I think I like every once a week I feel like I text you guys and I'm like I'm going to be skinny again one day and it's like that is only like a sliver of. like what the pieces that I'm yeah the pie is that I'm really missing and it's like I just don't

I don't know if I'm feeling extra trapped by the pregnancy right now I think that's adding to it but yeah I'm really missing like some stuff that I just don't think I'm ever going to get back to a version of me that was like really cool and like had a great go yeah and it doesn't mean that like we both don't think that like motherhood is the honor of our lives like I feel it is so conflicting because you're right yeah this is the absolute honor of my life and I'm happy to be here wouldn't would not trade it for a second this is actually way better on the whole but I mean you did it again so you obviously yeah yeah that doesn't mean that I don't still really miss like a little bit of that and both can be true and are true at the same time yeah I do think there has to be some um acceptance

of thankfully we did live big lives before motherhood we didn't get you know was it big enough I I don't know. Caliola's ears was big enough. Mine was plenty big. A little too much, actually. I should have had a baby sooner. It was robust. It was a big and robust and a little too much adventure.

It's also embarrassing to share that it's like, oh, just another mom's complaining about. They gave up the glory days. Like, it's so hacky and lame. You don't think that dudes fucking cry about or talk about or like live in the past. They do. Yeah. They absolutely do. And you know why how they do it?

They date young, young, young chicks. They go about it in a nasty way. At least we just reminisce. We're not over there trying to fucking pick on 16-year-old boys. It's so nasty. Whatever. Jules, I want to hear from you. What's your sadness?

I feel extra pity for you too. Oh, thank you more. But the reason I feel the extra pity is because you're having this experience. Instead of just being allowed to process, you also have kind of like an external weight, an external pressure of I can feel this but I still have to show up for this other thing

that's not just my life that's not just the pot it's this brand that I started you know here's a thing I will say like what I always come back to is like you know even when we came up

with a name ebb like an ebb tide means you you come back to yourself it's the returning to yourself the tide recedes the ocean goes back to itself I'm trying to work towards

just not chasing the past anymore. Whoever that aspirational version is, I can be that version, you know, 2.0 in a very different way that maybe it might not feel so aspirational since I'm still in like the thick of it and I'm still breastfeeding.

I'm still very tired. I'm still very anemic. But there will be some, you know, Phoenix rising out of this. And maybe she will be a much more well-rounded, cooler, more aspirational version than 1.0, right? And I do believe that that can happen. And yeah, I'm very proud of the brand that I started.

And I'm like, you know, powering through these feelings. And we are entering like an amazing new chapter. And, you know, I'm just going to have to be a mommy while I do that. And that's totally okay. Yeah. I don't have to be some hot girl diver right now. Yeah. You have to be all or nothing.

Yeah. And you know what? When waves ebb and flow, you think when they go back that they're the same bitch, no. No. Then waves are different. There's different water in it. There's different molecules. Okay. They're still in the ocean. Well, I'm going to be the exact same. Everything will be exactly the same. You'll see. I hope that for you. What do you think of Kalila and what she's sharing? Because you obviously are really close with her. Like, and what do you observe? Personally, I've seen you at your lowest at that. I've seen, I've seen so many things, so many chapters. And I feel like nothing has changed.

I've always looked up to you. Oh, that's so sweet. Like, nothing. Like, I still feel like you're so, so, so cool. I know. I just feel like I'm, like, letting everyone down because I'm just this, like, anxious mess around you guys. And I'm always like, the baby, the baby, is he eating okay?

And I'm just like, everything just falls by the wayside, like, including, like, everything else just pales in comparison to, like, my focus on the baby. And, like, I don't know. Like, I feel shame around, like, how they see me. I'm like, I'm so, like, a shell of myself. But we understand why you're going through that. It's like, we're not talking shit.

We're not saying anything bad about you. We understand it. Even then, I'm like, I want to be like Atikalae. Like, I think you're my role model. I always like, oh, what would Atikalae do if, like, I would always think, like, oh, if I do this, what would because I do? What would she think? Like, what would she? So, I don't know.

I do feel bad because, like, the internet comes free after you. They hate me so much, these dudes. Like, it rubs off on you sometimes. And I'm like, no, no, no. Jules is her own. Like, they love her so much. But sometimes I feel like my relationship with Bobby and that hatred for me kind of like, like they take her down as if we're a package deal.

And I'm like, please don't. like you can keep me as a villain like Jules is her own beautiful thing but thanks Jules I really do appreciate that only because like I have a lot of shame about like even your mom the other day she was like

you used to be our hero oh my god mom what? She basically said I'm not kidding you she said you're our family hero and she said used to be Keep going.

I love this. She said, you used to be our hero. Anytime anyone in the family had a problem, it was one phone call away, and you would fix it, and you would fix it fast, and you would make us feel like we could tackle life. And she was just like,

the way that you are right now, she was like, you know, again, think she's a bitch, but it's true, but she was like, you're broken and she was like you know and she's like you're just you can't keep being weird and I don't see you as in a weird in a weird phase right now I am I've seen you be weird and you're not being like just I'm very I'm tired and I'm like you know I thought that a year into motherhood that

I would have already like bounced back and I'm so far from it and I still feel very like postpart of me and I know that we just laugh a lot in these podcasts and that's not necessarily like what you see on camera but yeah like I'm still struggling like daily and I think that

my family has really like noticed and as honey puts it like I have been demoted I'm not the family hero right now I think John there's too much work to be the family hero you should demote yourself and when you're better don't let them know Keep that shit a secret.

I know you're going to do that to me one day. You're going to pretend like you've fallen and not tell me that it's better. Just so I leave you alone. Yeah, sorry. That was not 30 seconds, was it? I don't care. I don't know. I'm so grateful that you guys are sharing all this.

That's so sweet. I do feel like Jules has really taken on the brunt of the hero work in our family. Like, anytime anyone calls that we need something, she's always like, yep, I'll be there. And where you think she learned that from? Thanks, Jules. Her hero. Thanks, Jenna, I mean. Same thing.

I don't know. So if you have a heart attack in the middle of the night, call her instead. I'll probably be asleep, though. Yeah. I would not call Jules if I were having an episode ever, even if she were like next to me in the other room. No, she's so helpful. Because I feel like waking you up, you'd be like, uh-then. No, I'm quick.

Like, I can get up in a baby. You're right, you're right, you are quick. Yeah. Because you can go right back to bed. Yeah, I don't care. I don't want to wake anyone up with my episodes. It's just... I love to be woken up by your episodes, truly.

Because I can help you. I know that I can help you, and I have helped you many times, and I'm sorry that you're going through that, and you should sleep over tonight. I kept picturing Aloha and you there last night because I was just like, no one would answer. I'm just going to start crying too cry it's okay

oh my god I'm the only one on lexapro this sucks I don't get to participate go like no one was answering who I was calling last night and it's like obviously people are sleeping and I don't want to wake them but I also know that if I go to the ER there's nothing that they're going to do that's really going to help me

and I just kept picturing like you and Aloha and being at your house and him coming in and like taking my heart rate and I kept being like it's gonna be it's gonna be okay like the body likes to regulate itself

but it just like as you know like when you're so over tired the episodes get worse and it just like would not budge and then it started this whole thing of me being like I've obviously been

okay but I've been dealing with health stuff since for a long time Jenna long time and this arrhythmia that you're going through I just want to let everyone know like it derailed me I eventually got an ablation but it derailed me for like six years I mean I was there when it derailed you and I like now I understand why I mean I was

understanding before but I didn't understand it when you tell someone I feel like I'm dying I feel like I can't breathe I feel like you know your heart's going like 200 beats a minute like it's an awful feeling and that's why I'm so happy that you do reach out to me because I can help you I can't and be like, okay, let's put ice on your face. All right. If nothing breaks, I have a tenelol. I have.

I sleep next to an ice pack for like the last seven months every night. So in the morning I wake up, I replace it. I put in the freezer at night. I bring it back and put it next to me. I know that I'll be okay. And like, I'm grateful that I have health insurance. But I'm definitely like in another phase and funk of being like, like my eyes. I can't see well

They're like If it lasts more than six to eight months You could go blind Like it's just It's a lot I think that the thing with you is You've been quietly dealing with a lot For a very very long time

And it's like I think what people don't realize about you Because you are so like Fun and funny and you come on here And we always just have a good time Is that Esther and I know And that it hasn't been like a one two-year thing. It's been a lifelong battle with your health.

You know, specifically the last five years, I'm like, like you guys are saying, I'm like, I'm not that person anymore. I feel like I'm not fun. I feel like I don't ever look good. Like, there's no, like I don't look like myself. I, I can't show up in the way that I want to. I'm just like not a good friend anymore and not a good partner. Like just not a good anything. I'll say you're a really bad friend. You have been just really bad. If anyone were to ever call you out and say you were a bad friend or not your real friends anyways. How you feel is more important than what I say, but I feel that you have been extremely fun.

You have showed up for me. You have been showing up as you in a way that I don't think you were even years before. But what I say doesn't matter how you feel is more important, but at least I can give back. to you that like I feel that you I mean I with Jenna the way she was there for me in my postpartum bullshit I the lexapro I don't know if it's strong enough like to hold the tears back like you are a good friend and I hate I really don't like seeing you like this can you just pretend that you're okay because it's making you fall apart it's making me uncomfortable yeah she's pregnant for fucks me Jesus Christ be happy

No, I will say that too, Chenna. If my caretaker's not well. Where am I? Where does that leave me? I don't know how much this means to you, but the way I view you now is a more evolved, a more, like, considerate, and a more available friend than you've ever been. Because I think before you were running around with your head cut off. And yeah, you had the energy. And yeah, you were a yes man to everything.

But it's like, I didn't necessarily love that version of you. more I think that who you are now is like you understand yourself better you're more grounded you're more boundaryed and I think that you've never stopped showing up for any of us you've always been there like through and through and through there I've never been I've never called you and you've outright said no you always stopped to be like okay let me see if I can do that for you you always consider the people around you so you have been an exceptional friend and an exceptional part of our lives I think and you've not even dropped the ball

once in my eyes so thanks guys I think I also like feel like I don't care about being the best friend to everyone anymore and that's good that's a great it's been hard but

I'm like oh that's like where my identity and my pride was like I am the best friend that anyone could ever have and it brought me joy and it brought it was fun for me but then when I stopped having the energy because of health stuff, I'm like, well, now what do I do? You know, like, if I'm not the joy of the party and I'm not like making people laugh and I'm not being everyone's best friend, I'm like, oh, what do I do?

And obviously the answer was like, oh, you just take care of yourself. Yeah, and you just be you and be real. And like, if you thought that any of that stuff is what made you shiny, you're dead wrong. That's not what made you special was being best friends. what I read in the sorry guy oh my god the other day she's at my house she's she takes her shirt off she's wearing a see-through bra Dave walks and he's like oh I'm so sorry she's like what Dave's like okay so he just comes in like so uncomfortable wait can I show you what he did what did it was so awkward your boobs look really nice today yeah it's fake I'm wearing a skims bra

no I mean when you popped it out I was like oh it looks bigger too yeah they bigger. Oh yeah, I gained a lot of weight. No. I was like hot and I took off my shirt. And as soon as I heard Dave was coming in, I was like, oh, Esther, are you, like, are you okay with this? I'm just like, it's like a bathing suit. And she's like, I don't know. No fuck. Take it off. Dave walks in and he goes, take it. He turned toward the wall. Poor Dave. He turned toward the wall and went, oh.

He's so traumatized. And I was like. I was like, are you doing that because of my bra? He's like, yeah, I can go. I'm like, you can turn around. It's fine. It's like a bathing suit. And he was like, okay.

But I feel like he was trying to avoid eye contact. Yeah, all the whole time. It was so funny. Do you ever wake up sweaty or freezing or just like really uncomfortable? You know the temperature in your bedroom can make or break your sleep. And that's why we switch to Miracle Me. sheets. They're inspired by NASA technology and use silver-infused temperature-regulating fabric to help you sleep perfectly all night long. Traditional bed sheets can hold more bacteria than a toilet

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with a 30-day money-back guarantee, there's no risk. That's try miracle.com slash trash Tuesday. Code Trash Tuesday at checkout. Thanks to Miracle Made for sponsoring this episode. I'm particularly in a shit place because I know this is a first world problem, but I tried to buy a car yesterday. You know, she told her car from the car wreck. Yeah.

I was looking at a Honda-C-R-V hybrid, and then I was looking at a, you know, A RAV-4 hybrid. The other option was a Hyundai-Tusan hybrid. And after test driving all three, I loved the Hyundai over all of them. So I'm like, this is my car. I found a really great deal. Okay. My brother's a car salesperson.

He goes, this is actually really great. I talked to my used car sales manager. He said, that's a great deal. It seems too good to be true. Okay, well, it's not because I talk to them on the phone. He goes, right, but like, sometimes I just tell you stuff to get you in. I'm like, no, no, no. They know I'm coming from L.A., renting a one-way car there.

Four-hour drive. Four-hour drive in the torrential rain yesterday. Okay? My appointments at one, I get there. I've already spoken to five employees. I named their names. I got the screenshot of the list price. Okay, I get there.

I, like, where's the car? What's going on? Is the car actually here? They're like, yeah, we just haven't been able to find the key. They go, okay, they make another key. They come, it's, like, wrapped up. I go on a test drive. I've already test driven, and I just wanted to, you know, make sure that everything was Gucci with this.

There's 4,000 miles on it. It's like, incredible. I go, this is my dream. They bring up the cost of the car. And then they go, what were you hoping to pay? As if they were going to allow me to negotiate. Yeah. I go, well, I would like 1,000 less.

I thought you were going to say 1,000. I know, like, oh, that's a lot. 1,000 less, okay? They do this thing where they go walk back. They still do this? It's theater. I've never fucking seen this in my life. It's theater.

So this one guy, this is now the sixth person I've spoken to, but the second person in store. He walks back to the fucking room. I keep calling my brother letting him know what's going on. He goes, Jenna, they're not talking to any manager, all right? They're playing video games. They're fucking around. They're just, they're wasting your time because they're hoping that you'll get to a point where you'll just cave. Yeah.

I'm like, no, but I already know the price. So I'm just going to, I'm just going to get the price. And if they can't give me a thousand less, I'll just pay the other price and they'll leave. Because that's how it works, right? When you've already been given a price. He comes back to show me the deal that they can give me on the 1,000 less. I can't leave I have this. He lays it out.

And I go. please lift your glasses and zoom i go sir that's nine thousand dollars more this guys i'm not making this up this seems like you this seems like it's fake and they do this thing where they go yes because here and the swat and the that and the protection and this and then with the taxes so that's that so off the number of what we were giving to you before it's going to be this let's just say the number's 30 okay yeah i go but you told me that it was 30 so

So why is it 39 now? I don't want all of the added protection stuff because my brother's like, you don't want any of the things, no. Okay, all right, sure, yeah, we'll go soon. They walk back to the room. Now it's 2.30. Okay, I walk back there.

I knock on it. I go, hey, no one else, everyone respects the thing and they just sit in their chairs for hours. And I go, hey, what's going on? Can you just give it to me for the list price, the list price that you told me that it was over the phone? Let's go.

Yeah, yeah, we're working on it. We're doing our best. We're working on it. They come back. 36,000. They had taken like 3,000 off. I go, okay, here's the thing. It's still 6,000 more, and it's not even with the taxes.

So can you just get it back down to the thing? Boom, boom, boom. They go back. Now it's 430. Okay? I'm still feeling good at 430. What are they doing in there? It's just like...

I saw them. They were tickling each other at once. No, they were. Yes, they were. No, they were. I can corroborate the story with my friend who was there. They were tickling. He literally, she goes, they're hugging each other.

right now and I turn around and then they go he and start tickling each other there's a glass you can see through I knock on the door I go hey listen it's 430 I have only until 5 if this doesn't work out to rent a car to go back because I rented

a one way yeah so if this isn't going to work out I need to know you just told them how much time to burn basically so Emma goes my friend who's with me she goes they're going to wait until a minute before 458 comes around all right so it's down to 34 i go okay what is happening i get my brother on the phone he goes yeah i understand

you guys are doing you've been doing this for 18 years i get it it's not your fault this is your job i'm trying to be compassionate i get what you're doing this is how you make your money he goes it's illegal to offer her packages everyone who's buying a car it's illegal not to offer to force a person to buy any of the protections it is illegal wait it's illegal to offer it no not to offer it to force yeah forced for someone to say take that off of my thing and you don't okay wow and then they try and add it on other ways so they'll raise the list price and say now we're giving you the swat for free and i go the math is not mathing so i get out my calculator oh my god and then he goes no i got my calculator this was showing i said well well you're you're missing something now it's six p m they finally bring

the price down to what they told me yeah i'm sending pictures to my brother he goes okay yeah sign off on that that's an incredible deal that's wonderful deal i wouldn't even sell you a car for that whoa and the guy goes well we're losing money and my brother goes i'm sure you are losing money that looks like you're losing money but that is the price that you have it listed for online and i can't help that that's what you listed it as and he goes well we have to charge you an extra 500 because we don't know who told you that price and i said we're i'll just make up a name heather i go Heather told me. Let me talk to Heather. We don't let customers talk to the online sales reps. I said, okay, you record your calls, don't you? Yes, we do. Pull the call. Pull the call. I have

the time stamp for you. Just pull the call. And so what they intentionally do is they don't tell you via text, the number. I kept saying, can you send me this? Can you send me the breakdown itemized in writing? They call you. My brother goes, you just got to make it to financing. It's like, I'm like, is this the hunger games. I need to make it to financing. This sounds like severance. So in the meantime, like, I'm making turkey sandwiches on their desks.

I've got avocado, chips. That's so funny. They did not know who they're fucking... I know. The good girl had, like, six weeks worth of food in her car. She's here to camp out. Yeah, they felt like I was going to get hungry and be like... She saw her bunsen burner.

Dude, I got three different sunglasses for the different light for my migraines. I have two, I have two rags from home. I make a picnic. I've got hard-boiled eggs. I've got a thing of mayonnaise with a knife. I've got. We're feasting up in there. I'm like, anyone need food. I got you. So I'm like, I'm right. I'm going to eat dinner then. I make dinner for me and Emma. I cut the avocado. I slice it. They're probably all in there like, she's not leaving. She's still here. The lights are all off. She's like has her own like Headlam? I put a lamp.

They're like the, we've got no electricity. I've got an external charger. I mean, shit was crazy. So then we get to the point where it's like, I'm taking it home. They go fill it up for gas. They go detail it. And the guy tells me like, you know, please don't leave me bad review. And I said, you know, regardless of whether we reach this deal or not, I'm not leaving

you a bad review, all right? That's not how I am. Like, I understand that this is your job. I'm not trying to fuck with you. I just want you to be honest because you wasted my time and my money. Yeah, that's a long fucking drive to and fro.

Then I realize that the numbers aren't right. So I get out my, I get out my calculator. College pays off. I go, okay, this, right? He goes, no, no, no. And he tries to do on his phone. I go, no, no, sir.

Okay? This is that financing. Right before I go into financing is when I realize, hold on, this number still is not right. Like the total was too high. The total was still too high. The breakdown was right, but the total was too high.

So I go, sir, add this. Uh-huh. Read me the numbers. Okay. I added that. Uh-huh. Added this. It's still 2,000 over.

So how is that happening? He goes, oh, hold on, hold on. Let me do this on my calculator. He does it. And then he like, I said, I can see the numbers that you're adding. It's not the numbers here. Yeah. So go back and give me the number that is written here.

I make it to financing. Let's just speed this up. Yeah. I make it to financing. It is... Honestly, I'm good if you slow it down. This is enthralling for me. And by the way, every 15 minutes,

I'm walking around the dealership, knocking on doors, asking people questions. Where is it? What's going on? Can I speak to your floor manager? Can I speak to your store manager? Where's Julian? Julian won't come talk to me.

He doesn't want this. He's terrified. He's probably just hold himself up in his office. They've already given someone else. They've given someone else the responsibility of taking care of me now. So now, like, they've already two people who were once the people I was working,

they would just swoop another person in, not even say hi, go, whoa, who are you? What's happening? Yeah. Homie's like, I filled up your car with gas. Woo, woo, woo. I send my brother the last. He goes, send me everything they make you sign

as you're signing it. Around the last papers where things might start to look funky and you got to be willing to walk. Oh, my God. And I'm like, but I already signed the number. send him the last picture he goes why are they charging you three thousand dollars for the registration oh hell no and he goes so then he calls he said hey we're going to handle our own registration

because i'd already let my insurance company know the VIN number yeah everything we're handling our own registration and the plates are registered already through may of 2026 because it's a used car so it's already Gucci to be on the road they go you can't drive it off this lot without letting us handle the registration. And my brother goes, are you, use some terms that I don't know. And they go, we don't know. He goes, no, you have to know.

You're in financing. Like, you have to know. Now it's 8 p.m. They're closing. They're closing early to get you. They think they're closing. They're actually there until midnight. I'm looking.

Budgets closed. Avis is closed. Dollars closed. We're in Fresno. Oh, my God. It's pouring rain And I've got my friend there Who I feel so sorry for

That's another The weight of the burden That I've now put on my friend Is like double it And they had an air freshener In the finance room It gave me an immediate headache You hate that

An immediate headache I would start If I knew that about you I would put like 50 of those in there And I left without the car Good for you Good for you

because they wouldn't budge. And I said, so you're still charging me $3,000 over. If this are you're going to charge me, then take $3,000 off. Yeah. And I'll pay for this registration. My brother was a fucking hero. Like, he was so, I wouldn't have known anything that was happening. I probably would have paid $70,000 for the car.

They would have given me some fucking numbers and shit and been like, this is what you're paying monthly. And the thing is, I went there prepared. I had a cashier's check. I was ready. Yeah. They sell so many cars. They didn't give a fuck about selling a car.

Oh, my God. They wanted to waste my time 2025. Yeah. And then I had to Uber us to the airport, find a rental car place at one of the desks that still had a car. You know, it's like an extra $100 if you drop it off at a different location. Oh, my God. Then I drove back in the torrential rain, can barely see because of my eye. I told Esther I was scared

And she was like, that's weird Like I've never seen you scared before I was like this on the wheel Okay, lines lines Every moment I was just like line line line line line That's where the line is That's where the line is for four hours It's no wonder why you had an arrhythmia last night

Are you kidding me? That would send me into VTAC That's a nightmare evening And I kept thinking like Jen it's okay It wasn't that big of a deal Like you went to a car dealership And you had like a car dealership experience it's fine, you're healthy, you're safe.

Like, I kept reminding myself of these things, like, healthy. I'm like, you're okay and you're in good company and you got to have a positive attitude about this, but for some reason it was so draining on my body. Well, yeah, it's like the back and forth and the mind fuck of it all. And, like, just, you know, the feeling like you've been, people are trying to con you. When I'm confused, it's very draining for me because I feel confused. Whether it's in a relationship, romantic, or friendship, if I'm, confused about someone's intentions or what they're thinking even if their intentions are not

bad i'm like just just tell me just tell me there's something that i'm not understanding here but i'm picking up on something please just tell me and it drains me that sounds horrible what everything you just described it's like a horror movie and then i went to about at like 1 30 woke up at 4 with the episode and that was still like basically before i got here and now what with the car i have to return the rental today and back to the drawing board i'm still obsessed with getting a Hyundai Tucson hybrid though it's like there's no convincing me otherwise really well Jules is on the search

but she only has one car and one car only in mine and would you like to share what is it Subaru Subaru out back damn they're so good you know our family has really too expensive for me we've been really trying to figure out if she's gay or not she is I think I like a full

lesbian and I went to Josh Ritchie for my birthday week and she was just like oh are you going to have like a scissor gang bang with all your girlfriend. First off, she also set it up that they were like having a lesbian weekend. No, I didn't. No, that was me. I was saying, oh, Jules was on her lesbian retreat.

When I was at your house the other day, she didn't say no. So I was like, oh, yeah, she went for, nothing happened. We went naked in the desert, but no scissoring. Yeah, that's, I can believe that. Jenna was like. Pella has thousands of videos of me naked doing handstands in the desert. Yeah, I remember that when we were a jockey the first time. She was just like, naked.

in our backyard all fucking weekend this bitch you and it to Shandy but Jenna was just like like doing cartwheels naked like her pussy all out yeah I didn't not know I look like that naked and then we would like wave from the window and she would like run up to the window and smash her boobies into the window yeah yeah that was my first year too you have the most incriminating videos on you it's her first year in the United States and look what happened now he's a lesbian why do you want that car so bad it just looks so cool and like it's long and can just fit anything in it. Maybe we should go to a dealership together, look at the Hyundai Tucson hybrid together

and tell them two-for-one deal right here, bitch. Yeah. You're trying to match with Bobby? That's what he has. Yeah. I was hoping no one would bring that. Wait, Bobby has a... I think that Bobby has a deal with Hyundai where...

It's a Hyundai or Hyundai. It's Hyundai like Sunday. I didn't add once. Really? Yeah. I feel like they're wrong and you're right, though. How do you say it in like the Korean way? Right, maybe.

But that's how you say it. Hyundai. How do we say in the Philippines? Hyundai, right? Hyundai. I don't think we're Filipinos are right either. So somewhere in between is the correct answer. But they give him a new car to drive every year.

Because he's Korean. Korean. It makes sense. He's a Korean superstar. Korean-American superstar. Korean, he's my Tito. So if Hyundai, Hyundai, Hyundai, wants to bring me in on the deal after the horrific.

experience that I had. Wait, should I start? This is a real question. Should I genuinely, do you think, and be honest with me, don't just make me feel good? Do you think if I started an Onlyfans for my feat that I could help get money to pay for a car? I feel like the OnlyFans feet thing, like that ship has sailed. There was a time in which he probably really could have raked in some dollars. Probably right around the pandemic when it popped off.

But I feel like now it's like so saturated that there has to be. be more of a shtick outside of just feet. Like you'd have to, I think if you were gonna, you'd want to be like also doing like TikTok. Like you gotta get the people interested in your feet in a way. But I'm on Wiki feet. And Wicke Feet's not enough.

I mean, we all are. But come on, honey. This is really what I thought was going to change my life. Feet selling feet picks. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that's a very like, we were all at that stage four years ago.

We were, you know, it was a very common. conversation to have amongst girlfriends to be like we're doing feet, we're not doing feet. We're selling underwear. Yeah, we're selling underwear. Oh, I sold underwear. But I feel like Ati Jenna can still do it. But is the

time? What are we doing? Like some overly produced like tap dancing video? I think like keeping a simple putting lotion on my feet showing how they spread picking things up with it maybe. I'm not a consumer of you know feet porn but I'm Okay, well if anyone else has some other ideas

I am. I am. I appreciate you guys being honest though and not being like yeah do it go off queen wait jules are you how are you are you traumatized by the women these women here today that are all lost in identity no not really it makes me feel i don't know because i feel like i'm also lost really yeah that's normal for your age but also like post graduation is really a weird place to be where it's like All right. I got my degree. Like, what now is a fucking, I hate that.

I say I hate that feeling as if I didn't graduate at like 27. As if I didn't spend 10 years in college. That's great, though. But what is your, do we, what can we pity you for today? Yeah, let's pity you for something. Or are you lost? What's going on? I don't know.

I'm starting my master's program next year. Oh, my God. And I just feel like I'm not going to do well. Yeah, you are. I mean, sorry, they just dismiss it like that But like whatever you touch, whatever you do Look who your mom is, you're gonna do well It's in your genetic makeup to just get things done

And who cares if you Your grades in masters doesn't matter. It's like who gives a shit Yeah, you don't have to be the best. And what have I always told you about grades in general? Who cares? Who cares? To me, what matters most is that you walk away feeling like oh okay that's a you know i learned something can i know i just don't want to disappoint you or anyone why do you feel like it's not going to go well because i feel like you do a really good job at everything that you do i just feel stupid like i don't know well not good enough we're all we're all not saying anything because we're trying to validate what you're feeling

but it's like we know you're not stupid and we know that you would succeed so we're just going How do we tell her that this is dumbest fuck? Yeah. There are a lot of bum-ass people out there, truly. And you are so universes away, far away, from being that. I think the idea, I think you thought that by now you'd know what you want to do, right? Like, that's where the pressure comes from. But I'm here to tell you even at 40, I still kind of don't know.

It changes. You don't know what you want to do. And how could you know? It's always just an idea of like a direction that you're going to go in until you find what the next thing is that you want to do. And then that changes. It's none of it's real. And also let's say you are stupid.

You know that like putting in work and effort always is more valuable than someone that's like naturally smart but lazy or like naturally talented but lazy. Like being stupid is really not a problem. It's work ethic and it's drive. I'm stupid as fuck. She's good. But I got that work ethic. Like work ethic, drive, care, passion.

Like those are, I'm time and time again in the business that I'm in, in other businesses I see it, that's what matters. And I see, and I know that I could say I see that in you. So I feel. But again, this is just how I feel and it's not how you feel and I have to stop like telling everyone how to feel. No, I hear you, Jules. It's a really tough age. And any age is a tough age, truly. You're going to have these feelings of like, what am I doing in life?

Like, to the very end, I think. For a very long time, it's just a human condition of like, okay, what next? Like, am I living up to, you know, my own potential? Am I, you know, really chasing after my dreams? Am I just, you know, like, I basically, like, raised you here in the United States? there isn't a molecule in my body that is even near disappointed in you I want you all I ever cared about

was that you were kind that you were a compassionate human being that you care about the world and the people that you love a job money all of that it will come everything else the world is so shitty and you

I promise you offer your friends and family so much more than you think you do yeah like even if you did nothing yeah succeeded let's just say you succeed at nothing that you want to do you fail out of school you decide that you want a podcast and hang out with your family and help take care of their babies you would still be a huge success you're a kind person you're funny you're compassionate you you show up for people You're a valuable member of my community.

And you're learning how to show up for yourself. Like, that's what, that's ultimately why people who care about you push you because they just want you to be able to push yourself and show up for what you want to show up for. You don't have to do anything. And I know it's not necessarily like a personal goal of yours to have reared and helped with me and Esther's motherhood to watch our babies. I know that's, you know, you didn't come to the United States thinking, hoping that God, I want to like, you know, play with toddlers all day but when I tell you like that has meant so much to me for you to show up in that way and for my kid to see you to scream when he sees you like walk through that door yeah like I know that doesn't mean a lot to you right now but you are what you what you're doing for two young mothers

I think is like so fucking cool and so irreplaceable you're replaceable you're irreplaceable And you're not stupid and you're doing a ton. And, you know, shit is just, after graduation, it's just weird. And just for me, I would just love for you to be feeling skinny and pretty and get the best matcha this city has to offer and take walks and have fun and have days where you, all you do is get a matcha. Like, just for me, please do stuff like that. Don't spend your days worrying about that stuff because this is like, this is it right here, right in student. I was such a loser. I would just wake up and look at Yelp and just find the best latte that day.

Like I was, isn't it? And I didn't, now I'm just a nobody. Well, today. Lots of tears. You guys better look like this one, but you might have hated it. I don't know. I never know. I need to see you cry soon.

Did you cry recently? I cried yesterday. She also kind of cried here today. She got teary. I did get worked up at different points where I felt close. But I yesterday. One was when I told you I pitied you. No, that was like horny.

Yeah, I know. No, I cried really hard yesterday and I had a great day afterwards, honestly. I left that. It's cathartic, isn't it? I needed that. I was like manic the whole day after. It was so much fun. You guys, thank you for being here.

And I also am just like so grateful for this group of such on like tragic bitches like I need you guys because same share in the comments please what you relate to and fuck it

give us advice to like unsolicited please but not about my hair don't say anything about her ugly ass hair just kidding we love you guys and we're going to finish this conversation

on the Patreon right now and we'll see you next week of the brand new episode or at the Patreon link below you I don't know. I'm going to be. I don't know.

I'm going to be. I don't know. Oh, Thank you.