Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - Maximize Pleasure with S*xpert Dr. Tara & Brooke Schofield

Episode Date: September 15, 2026

BTS, BONUS CONTENT AND MORE! Only on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast    Brooke Schofield is here, and we’re getting educated by s*xpert Dr. Tara! We talk about cl!maxing, v!brators, and EVERYTHING under the sun. FINALLY, we’re doing a s*x tip speed round, where Dr. Tara answers our most BURNING bedroom questions: How to properly pleasure a woman, how to give a good BLOW OPPORTUNITY, what to do if your partner isn’t into what you’re into, and more. Headphones suggested! MORE TARA!https://www.luvbites.co/https://www.instagram.com/luvbites.co/?hl=en MORE BROOKE!https://www.instagram.com/brookeschofield/?hl=en https://www.tiktok.com/@brookeschofield1?lang=en Thank you to our sponsors:Thank you to SQUARESPACE -  Check out https://www.squarespace.com/TRASHTUESDAY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code TRASHTUESDAY *Ebb Ocean Club is NOW IN SEPHORA* https://www.sephora.com/brand/ebb-ocean-club for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products!*Listen to Esther's New Solo Pod!* https://www.esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday MORE ESTHER:TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/ MORE KHALYLA:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/ Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A   PRODUCTION:Studio Ten42: https://www.instagram.com/studioten42/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Arielle Jade (Editor): https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ Elisa Hernandez Kohler: https://www.instagram.com/ellie.lianna/ Megan Clements:  https://www.instagram.com/egggymeg/   See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Quick question. Using a vibrator? No, never. Never? Oh, why? I've been so satisfied with my own hand. I cannot go acoustic. It's me either. I seriously can't. Wait, so is your, are you the person that was drinking pickle juice for period grams?

Yes. And I did it this morning. I don't know if it worked. Yeah, I was actually just talking to a friend who's like doing acupunct. She has endo and she has really painful period. And she was talking about like acupuncture, Brazil nuts for selenium and minerals. There's like a whole protocol that you can do that will actually help. Ooh, I thought about acupuncture. Have you guys tried it for anything? Yes. I have believe in it.

Do you think it works? I think so. Really? I don't. But I did hear that if you have to be consistent and I've never been consistent. Yeah, well, it didn't work that great for my Bells palsy because I still like have it. But for other things, I know like a, I know when I've been poked. Like there are times when I go to an appointment and afterwards I am.

just so fucking exhausted for the rest of the day and the next day I feel so much better. Really? Yeah. Are you like lifelong like day one of my period is hell on earth? No. It hasn't always been that way. Really? Only like in the past couple years that my periods have been really bad. I never had bad periods growing up. I didn't even start my period until I was like 17 or something. No, I just I just lied for no reason. I was probably like 14. Was in how many days is the pain so bad? Are you wanted something right now for it no i mean i took like Tylenol this morning i would do day one i would take a hydrocodone it was so bad i would take prescription meds for cramps yeah i'm afraid of constipation that's like my big fear me too although i was looking into it this morning and they say it can like

it can mimic like ibs which i have ibs that's guaranteed i had a really um interesting afternoon last week where i my doorbell ring and it was a delivery and the guy was like It was like, you know, maybe in his 50s, like a tall gentleman. He's like, oh, my God. Like, Esther, like, I just have to say, like, I love, you know, I've loved your podcasting for years. Like, I've listened to your solo podcast. Like, he's just, like, deep cut after deep cut.

And he came to your house? Yeah. With a delivery, I'm like, oh, my God. Like, that's, thank you. You know, first you're like, it's a little, you're at my house, but that it is what it is. And he was very nice. And then, like, okay. And he's like, well, here's your.

prescription vaginal estrogen. Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. Was he a courier? Yes, he was a courier. Your levels to the game. I'm glad it wasn't like a postmate.

It was a courier. It was like a certified courier. It was like a CBS courier. No, not maybe not certified. I think you need to change your directions to leap at door. Yeah. So you're, you want a baby. I want a baby.

Was it bad? Was it me? It was you. I actually think about this all the time because this round I like truly like really thought I was pregnant. And I really feel like you guys would be like the first people I would tell because all the people like all my friends who are like pregnant and giving birth and stuff, I would probably want to like surprise what I need to talk to somebody who's given birth. So you are you trying. I'm trying. And where are you at?

How are you feeling? I mean, it's not been that long. So it's like I'm trying to not to be like so negative about it. I also think like if you're like really thinking about trying, it like just doesn't happen. It's very stressful. Like whether you've been trying for one month or three years, like you're just, I get, it's just like, why isn't it happening? You know, for me it was very easy like for the first few months where it didn't happen, like to jump to so many conclusions about why it's not happening. Yeah.

And it's very stressful and emotional and like challenges like your beliefs about yourself and I don't know. It's just it's very difficult. Yeah, it's discouraging. And then like my best friend who has been like struggling to now she's pregnant. I'm like, it's a race to the family. Like I'm trying to like, I don't know, time it out how I want to. But like you guys said last time like you just can't time it out. It's just that's just not how it works. No, I thought I was going to time it too. I remember. And it was like then I'm just like, no, whenever I get pregnant, that's when I get pregnant and that'll be great. Yeah. Do you think you're going to like pursue help or something? Yeah. I think I just like, it's smart to just, I mean, mean at least no like go go scope it out see what's up because i don't know i like i've had i had um the pre-newvo scan like i don't know if you can even really see if anything's wrong but he did have like cysts and i like what they call fluid in the cul-de-sac oh and that they say that could be endometriosis you know just the fact that all of the last couple years you had really bad periods i mean is worth having a look at i think i'd just rather know

No, sooner than later. Because they say you should wait a year, but I mean, I don't want to go at the year mark. And then they tell me something that was an easy fix like I could have done. I also, I just recently had a pap. And then it was like a regular. I went back and did a coposcopy, which was just like so not the vibe. But that I think came back normal. So I don't really know. I don't really understand any of that. You know, I dropped out of nursing school after all. Wait, you were in nursing school. No, no. I know. That's another live for no reason. I was pre-nursing. And then I just never. pursued it. So funny you were pre-nursing. I tutored all the pre-nursing students. Really? Yeah. I feel like you know everything. Well, I'm very rusty now, but should you ever want to take a couple of classes again and need help with your anath-fiz? They're not so hard. The chemistry, the pre-nursing chemistry is not that hard. Well, you say that. You know, pre-nursing chemistry was like chem 101 that I took with Dr. Van Dorn, best professor of all time, got a C. So I had to retake it because I was like I'm not going to be professionally admitted to any program with the in CAM 101, so I retook it.

Got to see again. The second time. And I thought I was brilliant the second time around. Like she loved me. She was like always like talking straight to me. I was like so excited. I'm going to do so well on this class. See.

Then I just gave up. Oh my God. Traffic is insane. If I had my writer with me, I'd be able to use it and before my park moves. Have you ever done that on the road? I have. I have a friend who did that. I'm like, I'm not using my resources to my to my best ability.

Only in traffic, though. I feel like I would be a major danger on the road. Same. You know, Waymo, maybe? Yeah, way. Waymo? Yeah. But they have cameras.

Yeah. I feel like you'd get like a sex offender charge or something. That's what I was going to say. Don't do that. I don't feel like under a scarf? Yeah. It has to be a self-driving car, I think. Because you know, like paralysis, like when you get like paralyzed.

No. Me neither. You get, oh, you mean like you get a little bit paralyzed after an organ. Yeah, or like during. You're just. stuck. Interesting. Not you. No. No. You know what I used to get really badly was a post-coital tears and blues. Yeah. Where no matter what happened, no matter how great it was, like I would just be in a puddle of my like crying. Like, yeah, yeah, good cry or sad cry?

More like it's, there was definitely a catharsis around it, but I didn't know like why I felt like this need to like big ugly cry afterwards and like guys would be freaked out. Like my partner would like, oh, you okay? I probably said, I'm fine, but I, you know, I needed that release after the release. Ew. How interesting. I love that. I feel like an orgasm is just a good release overall, like emotionally, psychologically,

energetically, spiritually, like, it's a good cleanse. Welcome, Dr. Tara. Welcome Dr. Tara. Relationships. Thanks for having me. Sex expert. Sex expert. Sex expert.

Sexologist. Sexologist. Sex professor. I love that. I mean, whatever the opposite of that is. just limp lady just yeah I feel like I is the one with the vaginal estrogen I'm more opposite of her than you

you'd be surprised I've seen all of your content like I think being I think it's good to talk about like being sex positive versus having a lot of sex because you can be a sex positive person and that's like about the mindset that's about how you talk about sex how you don't judge other people ashamed other people it's it's a philosophy and a way of

of life, not necessarily having a lot of sex. So anyone and everyone can be sex positive. I can say this because I think when I was there been many times in my life where I was having a lot of sex in a very like destructive way. Yeah, exactly. But I wanted to ask you something very specific to maybe my current situation, which is like I always felt like I had that mindset of sex positivity. I've always been able to talk about sex in a very like matter of fact way. Since I've had a baby, I've really struggled with like I'm almost icky. out at myself. I'm almost icked out at the, even when I said release, like it like, I started to like sweat. There was like, there's almost like this like overwhelming like shame and

disgust for myself when I talk about sex as if I'm no longer allowed to be this like sexual thing. And I know that intellectually, of course I am, because mothers are multitudes. We can be all of these things. But my body has this like visceral reaction when I think about myself in a sexual way. It is so common. Yeah. This is one of the most common phenomenon for moms out there. Like I have a lot of clients in my private practice that are moms. And this is one of the top three things they have said.

So you're definitely not alone. And like a quick solution that I can suggest you look into is look into somatic therapy. The feelings you have about your body and your body as a provider, right? You literally like milk. And like you provide for your baby. And then now you have to also like take care of your partner and take care of your sexual self. Like there's a lot going on. And a lot of these things are also cerebral.

Like you're thinking all the time because now you have to be a protector. So you're thinking about your family. You're thinking about how to physically protect them, financially protect them. You know, there's a lot going on up here. Talk therapy is great. I'm a big fan. But there are times where you just get talked out. Like sometimes sex therapy through just talk.

talking doesn't really help people anymore and they need other things like somatic sex therapy like movement moving your pelvic floor or also like sexological bodywork yeah i've worked with different sexological body workers that work on the body um and help you overcome like whatever the difficulty it is i had i worked with a sexological body worker for like anal orgasm because like i've never ever in my life had anal pleasure yeah and i've heard so many of my friends love anal. Like, they're like, oh, yeah, like, it's the only way I can come. I'm like, are you serious?

I used to think those people relying for a long time. I used to think. I was a skeptic. But then, yeah, no, I have a few female friends that are like, oh, yeah, it's like my favorite way of having an orgasm. I have that too. My best friend is the same way. She, like, prefers it over regular.

Really? Yeah. But I just, like, I've never been able to get into it. I thought I'd save it for marriage, but here I am. Did you not claim me? Unclaim, unclaimed. No, no. Until I worked with the sexological body worker, I also did not feel anal pleasure, but now I do. So, safe to say, like, whatever challenges you have as moms, as women, as men, whatever the specific sex issue it is,

if you feel a bit talked out with a talk therapist, try other modalities. There's so many types of therapy when it comes to sexuality. And once you prioritize that, like other parts of your life, you know, start shining brighter as well. Brooke, I have a question for you. You're in your 20s, your newly married. Congratulations, by the way. Are you, like, having a lot of great sex? Tell us, I think.

I don't know. I mean, yes, I have a lot of sex, but, like, I mean, specifically because I'm literally trying to conceive. Oh. But honestly, what I wanted to bring up to you is, like, I feel like our vibe with each other is very much, like, the whole time we're very unserious, like, laughing. it's very like, not awkward because we're both enjoying it, but like, I can't take myself very seriously

because we just set that tone so early in our relationship that it was like, we're just both like trying to be funny all the time. Like giggly. And now, like, if I were to come in like full lingerie and like try to be sexy, he'd be like, what are you doing? I totally relate to this because I was with a comedian for 10 years and his whole, like, he cannot be serious. For me, it became a problem because I literally couldn't, we couldn't initiate correctly because everything was a joke.

Everything just felt like a little too silly for us to lock in in that moment and get serious. And it became a reason why we almost like never had sex towards the end of our relationship because I'm like, this is so silly. What are we doing? It was a little too funny. And I think for me, for sex to feel correct in many ways, it has to not be funny. And I know that people like incorporate funny into their sex like which I love like I couldn't personally do it. But that's interesting that you say that because I totally relate. Yeah like I see it like in a positive way because I just like I feel so comfortable with him that like everything's very

and serious. And I have not felt that way in the like with past partners where it's been like I feel like I have to kind of perform in a way that I just simply won't perform now. I simply won't. It's so funny. I was putting on a show and like I got tired. but I don't know I'm like now I'm like how do I just all the sudden introduce like this serious sex life when we don't have that

I love it and it's enjoyable to me but what if I want to be sexy one day I don't think sex should be serious ever I think there is a continuum of intensity and playful right playful is here intensity is here sometimes people love intensity

because it creates fire and heat. And sometimes people love playful because it cools it down and make it fun. Every couple has their own natural demeanor within their own sex life. So yours is like here. It's playful. How long have you been together?

Two years. Okay. That's very short amount of time. So 10 years of playful, you will crave intensity. I guarantee. No one can exist within one realm for a long time and have satisfying sex life. And that's just facts. With couples that I've seen that

have been married for, you know, there's a hump, five year hump, seven year hump, ten year hump. Hopefully you guys get through it and not get a divorce. But there's all these hums that you. Yeah, hopefully. Fingers crossed. You better find that intensity, girl. You got to work on it. You got to work on it. But like, it is possible for every couple to enjoy both. And I think there's no shame in enjoying it playfully. Because a lot of people can't even have that. So it's beautiful that you have that together and that comfort. But have you guys listened to Esther Perel at all? I love her.

Okay, so she often talks about how comfort is the opposite of sexy. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds about right. Yeah. Because she's like, when you're so comfortable for a long time, there is no longer that desire for that person. You no longer want to like jump on them and make out and, you know, get on your knees

and do whatever orally heavy. only one person can do, because it's so comfortable. So comfort is good once a while, but there needs to be a dialectical tension between like comfort and like intensity. So how do you introduce intensity into your relationship, a sexual relationship when it's been playful and comfortable? I want to hear you give us options of how you would introduce. Yeah, I think that's our problem.

It's like, I truly don't know. and my mind like goes to just the extremes. I'm like sex swing. That's horrible idea. Worst possible. But even that it can be playful, right? That's the problem is like I... If you just rolled in a sex swing, nothing funny or broke.

Yeah, a little too playful. I know, but I think that that's just like our natural energy. Everything is funny and everything is a joke and it is so fun. But like at what point is that like this is not like I do want sometimes for it to to be like, you know, fiery. Fiery. Dangerous. I feel you.

It's not dangerous. He knows too much. He knows too much about me. I think fiery desire is legitimate. And I think a lot of women want that, particularly women. People assume it's men that want more sex, better sex, like more passionate sex. But women, in all of the studies, women get bored of the sex life they have with their spouses. way faster than men.

Men can go on and kind of like jackhammer their wife for like 10 years and be like okay with that because I ejaculate so we're good. That's so true. Yeah, but then women like oh man like I want this I want to feel this way. I want to feel desired. I want to feel like you know I am like the best

woman you've ever been with to women. Like a lot of women's sexuality is here. Do you have advice for like that situation of getting into the more serious out of the playful? Absolutely. What can she do? Asking for a friend.

I would say you have to shift the modality of how you have sex. I'm not saying you should stop having playful sex. That's your go-to. You should always have that in your pocket. But it's all about expanding your toolbox. So right now you've not tried, I assume you've not tried other things like going to a sex toy shop together. See that?

We did try that and that's how I knew it could never be serious because we went in there. We were like, oh my God. Just laughing about it. Yeah. Yeah. So have you, okay, now let's let's go back a bit. Have you heard of tantra or tantric sex? Mm-mm.

Tantra or tantric sex is like energetic, spiritual sex. It thrives on intentionality, intensity and being locked in. For example, one easy chantric sex practice to get into first is, devotional foot bath. Okay. I like the sound of that. Yeah, I don't even know what it is. I'm just like the devotional part. I like foot bath.

I love like a devoted lover. Like a devoted lover. Like a devoted lover. Like if he heard devotional footbath, he's like, he would know what that is. He would get on his knees. Yeah, he would be like, say less. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds so biblical and like wonderful and intense. Okay, keep going.

Okay. So. Foot bath. Because tantras is, is all about. It's a philosophy and it's all about believing that your sexuality is connected to like the divine and it's not just an act that you do. It's like the way that you live your life and the way you feel and the way you connect with your partner. Therefore, activities are often non-penetrative because why does sex have to be penetrative at all? Devotional food bath. I learned this from like a really well-known tantrica.

So what you do is you lock in. one person would be the person that's giving. The other person is only receiving purely. There's no reciprocity. The person giving is giving. I know who I want to be. So you would prepare water like in a nice bowl, put essential oil in there, maybe like petals, flowers.

And what you do is one person would be sitting like on a couch, on a chair. The other person would be on their knees. And even just getting on your knees in general, embracing their kingly. or queenly energy and the person being in front, being small and on your knees and dedicating and devoting to the person

is already sexy. Like that act is already sexy. And then obviously like inviting your partner to put their feet in there in the water like bathing their feet and then massaging their feet while also like looking them in the eyes. The person receiving the foot bath

should be giving verbal compliments, you know. It could be anything from you look so beautiful right now to you're such a good girl. I love. Yeah. To like I miss having your pussy in my mouth. Like we are not tapped in, which is why I'm so glad that you're here because I really truly feel as though like I am so miles away from like that sexual part of me. Yeah.

That like it's nice to be reminded that there are ways. out. So like, I appreciate this. It's helpful for me, too, to hear that about you because you are like, you're like a sex freak. A little horny girl. Yeah, like I, because we started this podcast about like five or six years ago and I feel like the beginning of it, it was like we were all, you know, different. Very open about, you know. Colila, you really got me inspired to get into role play. Which I feel like, I know that for you it would be just like adding like fuel to the fire of silliness. I would be like Jim Carrey. It couldn't work for me. I don't think. But I do feel like and this is pre-baby conversation, but like it would start silly and then you could kind of like

get away from it. I think that's exactly it. That was sort of my solution to the too silly, my last relationship of a decade. When things got too silly and I know I couldn't like lock into the intensity, the role play really helped because the rules were you were not going to break character at all. So you became this person and you no longer are my partner. You're whoever. Tell Brooke what you did. Which one? The shoe. Oh yeah. So for example, I'm so excited. I don't know who was who. Who was who? I think you were the shoe. Oh yeah. So Bobby is my ex. It was a rich aristocrat and I was a shoemaker. And I would go door to door like fitting shoes. This is way back when when they had to like size your feet.

This is like in alignment with the footbath thing. Yes. This is my devotional, you know. Foot bath. Yeah, foot wash. And, you know, it just so happened that I was sizing his feet. And then, you know, we lock eyes. And, you know, aristocrat, you know, poor little girl shoemaker.

We're getting into it, right? We couldn't break characters. There was no way for it to be silly. It didn't start silly. It's so silly. Because as soon as you announce who you are in their roleplay, it's game. game on. There's no, be like, you can't say no, right? You'd be like, wait, what? Right. Yeah. Do you guys watch Modern Family? Oh my God. Your whole personality is that you watch

Modern Family. I know, but they do it. They have like there's certain characters that they like lock into and it's so serious. And if one of them breaks, it's like a big problem. Wait, do you mean like their acting characters or like Phil Dunphy and Claire? Yeah. I, okay. Oh, like when they have sex. Yeah. Well, they'll like every once in a while like on Valentine's Day and stuff, they'll bring back their characters and it's like a really serious thing that they take really seriously. I think I'm going to get into it. I'm going to test it out honestly tomorrow. Today's not a good day. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you've been thinking about building a website, but keep putting it off because it sounds like a whole thing. Squarespace makes it pretty easy.

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invoices, or product sales, all from one place. Head to Squarespace.com slash Trash Tuesday for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Trash Tuesday to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com slash Trash Tuesday for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Trash Tuesday to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. What? Are we eating it? I don't get it either. I've never even asked the question where the banana came from.

It's just there in case you need it. Yeah. Oh, really? It's just a banana break. It's your potassium break if you need it. Seriously? Is this what you guys do? Yeah.

I really love it. I love bananas. So like I can actually eat this or? Yes, of course. Because I haven't had breakfast. What? Please. I like these little things on here.

Squirting Piss. Is squirting piss? I think so. It is, right? It's a mix of different things. I said that on a podcast one time and people just like really came for me and then I just found out I was completely right. I think the squatters get really defensive about that. Yeah, I think because it's such a prideful thing. Like if you're a squatter, like it's so fun to tell everyone you are. But like it's still cool. I can't, I can't do it. I think it's a mix of different things because like anatomically or scientifically speaking like when you have female ejaculation, there's also like the ejaculate that comes out. It's not like huge projectile tons of liquid like that.

Like what you've seen on porn, like that's definitely piss. Yeah. So it's a mix of both things. What you've seen most of the times where people are like, like, psh, like that, like that's piss. Yeah. Yeah. And that's okay as well because it's hard.

You're into that. Yeah. Yeah. If you're into that, there's no problem with it being pissed. I think people are like, ew, it's pissed. But like, it's not a problem. I think it's cool. Guys piss the bed all the time.

They do? guys pissed the bed all the time is what we're saying drunk guys oh right like that was like a thing in college like I think like probably three times I woke up and like a guy had pissed the what what in college because like we'd get so drunk and that's like a thing like guys just just accidentally I'm up in my whole life okay well forget I said it's which college did you go to she's like they're one of modern family they're pissing the bed yeah I went to ASU no way rival um do you have a like survival guide for you got it vaginal dryness

vaginal dryness dryness yeah you have to do many different things yeah what so you have to do many different things well first off drinking more water than you normally would because like hydration is internal secondly you can also use topical solutions. There are topical solutions out there that are like vaginal moisturizers. Just like you would moisturize your face and your arm, why wouldn't you your vagina when you need to? So you can use vaginal moisturizers for that. There's also vitamins that you can take.

So you're treating it like internally. So I would say these three things combine, you should be completely fine in terms of having moisture. Now, moisture and wetness, different things. What? So vagina is internal, right? You are just to like put a tampon in or a finger in. Like it's really dry and it hurts. Yeah.

And it almost like has no flexibility or agility within the walls. That's like the vaginal dryness. You can treat that with all the things that I just said. Now, wetness is like female arousal fluids. If you have vaginal dryness, it's likely you have both as in like it's dry in general where there's no moisture plus you also don't really get wet like you don't get arousal fluids either it's two separate things yeah two separate things because some people don't have vaginal dryness like they have moisture like if you put

a tampon in it should be easy like it should you know just go in or if you put your finger in there's moisture inside you're not dry from breastfeeding I think in the beginning I was because I remember putting a tampon in because you had low estrogen, right? Your breastfeeding, your other, your prolactin is up, your estrogen is lower. Yeah, it was definitely painful to put a tampon in. But it's better now. Yeah, because he's not, you know, nursing as much anymore. So I think my estrogen is like maybe creeping up a little bit more.

Are you able, like, this is a stupid question? Can you, like, supplement estrogen? That's what she's doing. So that's what I just ordered is the vaginal estrogen, which, like, it's, like, primarily for, like, perimenopause and menopause. and like to prevent UTIs, I guess, and to bring collagen back to like the tissue. Because that's like a common thing.

Like as you age, chronic UTIs become a really big issue in the elderly community and can actually lead to like, you know, sepsis and like what's easily treatable for us in our 20s and 30s becomes a real issue when you're older. So now there's like the new research is saying that like basically all women who are menopausal should be doing the topical vaginal estrogen twice a week and like that will keep your you know it'll keep everything good down there for sexual reasons but also like for health reasons it could prevent death from uti because like both my grandparents died of uttis yeah really yeah

but it does it like travel to the kidneys yeah just become septic like any type of like bacterial infection eventually has like goes to the brain or something weird like they get like kind of crazy mentally in the UTI? When you go into subsist or there's some type of like, like, what I've seen in like the elderly community at least, like electrolyte, electrolyte, electrolyte imbalances and a lot of like confusion. It's usually a sign of like the infection has entered the bloodstream.

And something as simple as like a UTI will trigger that. So crazy. But vaginal estrogen is here to say the day. Okay, we have some questions for some tips. from Dr. Tara. Do you have advice on how to be good in bed? That's a really big question. I have a whole book call. How do you like it? A guide for getting what you want in bed that you should read to learn more. But quick tips. First off is to communicate. Like communicate with your partner, what they like, what they don't like. I think it's so important.

Don't assume there's like one thing you do that's going to be good. Like ask the person how exactly they like it. because every single woman is different and, well, not just woman, every single person is different. And it's best to learn directly from them what they like. So that would be how to be good in bed is communicating and being good at receiving feedback. Don't you hate it when a guy just thinks like he is a king in bed? And it's like, that is such a weird thing. Like you cannot, you have to learn how to customize according to your customer. Everyone is so different.

What worked for your previous, like, partner, I promise you, I got weird shit happening. Like, I like, it's not going to work for me. It's like you have to start like neutral. Neutral. And then build. Don't like show up with your settings. The only thing I want you to show up with is what Bobby calls, like just Christian missionary. Go just give me meat and potatoes.

Don't try to think that what you got in your arsenal is going to work for me. Like get to know me first and then add that to your toolbox. Don't assume. I hate that. Because then they're going so hard on one thing and you're like, I hate that. Can you stop? Right?

Well, it's kind of like that scene in sex in the city where that guy had sex with Charlotte and he started saying like, you fucking stupid whore or something like that. And she's like, oh my God. Like, you know, she's like a princess. People just think, oh, like this has worked with my previous partner. This should work with her. Yeah, I've had sex with people who like thought like this is the best way to finger because my ex love it when I finger her this way.

And I'm like, no, absolutely not. It's terrible. Yeah. Dr. Tara, what is the proper way to give a blowjob? It's to be all in. I hate that answer. Yeah. I hate the question.

I'm always half out. Yeah, exactly. It shows in the eyes, too. It does. Yeah. I think the intentionality and the intensity of doing it is really important because everyone can do the same act. Yeah. Now how are they different is how into it they are.

You're right. I have a bad attitude going into it. Yeah, I used to like intentionally like weaponized incompetence. I used to like just intentionally do a bad job because it's like you're not going to ask me to do this again. Of course they do. Of course because they're like, it's okay. I'll take the three out of ten. But now I love my partner. Do you try harder now? Much harder, yes.

I try to think about it as like an opportunity because blow job. has a negative connotation, like, who wants a job. Like, it's a blow opportunity. Blow up. Yeah, a blow up. Not a blow job. A blow opportunity. It's an opportunity to connect with my partner

and opportunity to give him pleasure. Because he gives me pleasure all day. He does so many things for me. It's like a good way to show appreciation, I think. Loop is so great. Yeah. Like, loop is so great for everybody. It could just be recreational.

Yeah. Recreational loop. Slipping slide. Exactly. Like, loop is amazing for everybody. like anybody and everybody, women, men, dry or not. Like, you know, I personally love lube and always. Why? Because it gives extra pleasure for like my vulva and my, like, when there is vaginal

penetration. Do you have a lube recommendation? Oh, plenty. Yeah. Like, I mean, because there's silicone lube, water-based loop, aloevara-based loop, coconut oil-based loop. And if you want it to be like slip and slide for a long time or if you're doing anal, I don't know why I said that.

You bring a slip and slide into the bedroom? I would. Then you would want to use silicone base because it stays slippery so much longer. However, if you hate mess, it kind of stays on your sheets a bit. So it's like a give or take. Water base is really great for sensitivity. So if you are a sensitive girly, your skin is very sensitive, you would want to use a water-based loop. But it dries out way faster than silicone base.

So you have to like top up. every, you know, maybe five minutes or so. Alawvera base is a good combination of water like and this, it's slippery longer than water. So I typically use aloeira base. I'm not allergic to it. So it's great. But if I was using it for like vulva massage or for him to go down on me or for anal, I would use coconut oil because it's natural.

My body reacts well to it. I have no side effects. It tastes good for him. And it's anti-bacterial. Coconut oil is anti-bacterial. It's just it doesn't work with condoms. So if it's like a long-term one partner, it's fine. But if it's like, obviously if you're hooking up and new partners, like I wouldn't recommend.

So yeah, I love Loop. It adds so much to my life and to our connection and connection with others. Connection with myself. I'll use Loop when I masturbate to make sure that my brain acts. it as a part of the routine. Like, it's okay. It's like using a toothpaste. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I would just grab it when I masturbate. It's great. I highly recommend start using loop when you masturbate first in order to introduce normality of using it into your sex life. Do you use it? I don't, yeah, I have. Not often, but I think it's fun. And sometimes, like, I don't know. Sometimes that's just the vibes.

And sometimes it's just, like, also just the ease of which. which like I don't have to sit there forever waiting for, you know, the shower to turn on. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So it just gets things going. Yeah. And, you know.

I've had times specifically like medications that I've been on that have made it like impossible like for my shower to turn on. And so I think that's where just like certain antidepressants. Oh, what do you take? I take well butrin. It's like the number one that I think doesn't impact like sexual. Because the Zoloft, it turned the shower off. No, actually, it didn't turn the shower off. It just made it really hard to...

You went on Zoloft? Oh, my God, I was on Zoloft for a long time. Oh, pre. Yeah, not about Zoloft now. I've been on everything. FX or I've been on anti-psychotics. Me too. Yay.

Oh, yeah, you're right. We're the mental health girlies. And it was just hard to, like, climax. Oh, yeah. It was just like you had to, like, fight your way there. There's a strong correlation between SSRIs and, um, like sexual enjoyment. I feel very uplifted by all of you right now because I feel like I've had this like

these feelings of shame and you guys are making it really chill. So thank you. I mean, I'm going to say one more thing that like has been a cock block to my sexuality is that like, it's like, okay, I've overcome this feeling and I've turned my sexual self on and I've had sex with my partner.

And just the way that we have sex with like, let's say for instance, we're in a certain position in the dark and he's just like, railing me from behind. It's afterwards where I feel like I like feel guilt to even look at my child. I'm like, your mom is a hoe. You mom's a hoe. Like I have to then switch like, you know what I mean? Like turn it all off again in order to do this job correctly. So I'm not like I just just if you're a mom and if this, if you relate to this like sound off in the comments. But this is one of the other transitions I have to deal with, which is like, all right, now that's done.

You were ho in the dark in there. You just got railed. And then now, you know, hey, baby. You know, it's really a hard. It's like a hard stop. And there's no gradual ease into motherhood again. And then it goes over in my head. I'm like, I can't believe.

Like my son can't know. I do that. You know what I mean? Do you feel that way? Yeah. Well, I feel like I feel a lot of things. And I feel a lot of nothing. I don't know. That's interesting.

That's just me. I'm so sorry. No, I don't think it's just you. It makes sense to me, but I think that I just haven't been railed in the dark lately. So I haven't had the... Well, you're brand new. I'm a little bit further down. Colila, that might be the Catholicism as well. Oh, no, it's for sure the Catholicism. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was raised in the Philippines and, you know, there's a lot of shame around just like sex in general. But that's a good point, guy. Thanks for bringing that up. That is a good point because I do feel like it doesn't... It's a Madonna whore thing. Might be good to try shifting your senses. Like I've worked with clients that had religious trauma and, you know, shame and guilt from that. Shifting their senses from a sexual woman to like a motherly role can be through clothing, taking something like a piece of food that will remind you of that feeling or a shock.

to the system and then scent. Yeah. So if there is a candle that you can light to get in like your whole mode, and then you switch it off. I can have a whole candle. Yeah. A whole candle. This is genius.

Yeah. And then blow it out. When it's out, your mom. And my mom candle. Yeah. And a mom candle. Yeah. Like a nurturing scent.

And then also clothing. Like if you were in home or maybe there's a silky robe, but then there's a fluffy robe when you come become mum mode. Oh, that's so sweet. Although you see just Aloha lighting the whole candle. Yeah. And then have like a sour candy that you can take after to shock your system and come back to embracing your mom mode. I love that.

I love this. I love that for other things too. Yeah. Because I feel like I do need. Sometimes I need to be like in my mom wardrobe. The mom wardrobe, I'm so far gone. Head to toe. I'm in my partner's like T-shirt and shorts.

That's like the cool look of the summer. It's true. He says six full. it's something big Hawaiian man there's no reason that this is the summer look okay it is it's giving Billy Elish oh thank you okay I'll take that I think that's just the vibe right now

wait what's your whole candle brook I actually really do have a hoe candle because love that somebody showed it to me they're like I don't know if you've ever seen the candles that are in there's supposed to be sex candles and you light them and they burn for a second and then they're in oil and you pour them oh on like yourself or on each other

like a massage candle I don't use them often, but I have them. Coconut-based. It's good to have a whole candle. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, but maybe I need a new, like a proper host scent or something. Me too. I'm going to shop for my whole scent today.

And any excuse for some sour candy, I'm like, I'm going to lock into that too. Sour candy is really good. I don't actually do it in a sexual setting because I have other remedies that I do that for sex. But for sour candy, I do it when I feel triggered. Like if I'm fighting, like if I have an argument with my, partner or a friend or my family and I feel bad I'll use the sour candy to then shift my like shock my nervous system and snap out of it yes it literally snap out of it but rather than just think of it

psychologically you have something that helps so interesting yeah thought about that at all it works really well ask your thoughts just around um just arousal in general and how there's so much of a disparity between men's arousal and women's arousal and what's available for men's arousal because there's so much available for men in the pharmaceutical space of arousal. And outside of just getting our hormones in check, vaginal estrogen, all of these hacks that you've mentioned, like, is there an actual effort to improve or help women's arousal in the same way that like men have it? There is, yeah.

There is a pharmaceutical solution for it. There is a new medication. It's not super, super new anymore, but is new relative to like Viacra. Yeah. It's dubbed as like the female Viacra. Yeah. So, yeah, it's the pink pill. It exists right now.

I've never heard of it. Yeah. It exists right now. So if you talk to your doctor or your gyno, you can get it prescribed. And it's the same thing. It's just like it promotes blood flow in the area. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is only one portion, right? Because the other part of arousal is here. Exactly. Yeah. And you can get blood flow to there and have that be, you know, the system be working. Yeah. But if the brain's like not there and doesn't want to and have no motivation, like what's the point? Especially for women.

Like that's like the most important thing for me at least. If like my brain is not switched on to you, like it's we're not. The orgasm is in the brain. Yeah. Like the pleasure is in the brain. The connection is in the brain. Like, yeah, the body can be there. But there has to be the motivation.

I have to say I'm feeling inspired. You feel like horny yet? I'm sitting different. She's looking different. She's not a blow job anymore. It's not a blowup. Yeah. Mostly because my back hurts. But, yeah, I feel inspired. So what to do if your partner isn't into what you're into? And I mean, like, let's suppose, like, I come into the relationship and I've had this, like, kink. How do we get to a middle ground there? Because obviously, I would never want to coerce, you know, somebody to do something they don't want to do.

Right. But, yeah, how do we get there? How do we meet in the middle? This is really common. A lot of people that help in my private practice actually have a desire for something or a fantasy of something that they want to do and their partner completely disagrees with it. And most of the time, this desire discrepancy can be solved through erotic solutions. And that can be things that are similar to what it is, but not exactly what it is. For example, someone might say like, oh, I, my fantasy in life and I have to do it in this life and my kink is like a threesome. And if a partner is like absolutely not, like I will never involve another person in our relationship ever. Now, there's this intense desire that this person A wants to try and person B has a strict red line boundary of trying it ever in this lifetime. What do we do?

Realistically, you only have two options. One, accept that there's sexual incompatibility and decide if you want to stay in this relationship or not. or is this desire to do this thing so intense and such a big part of identity and who you are sexually that you can never let it go, then you would have to break up with this person and find a different partner. But a different erotic solution would be doing something of a similar degree, but not exactly that. So what does that mean? I have advised couples that want to do threesome or have sex with other people to invite POV porn into their bedroom.

I see. So what it is is you turn it on, on TV, like big P-O-V porn, have sex with each other while that's on like full blast. So that's like inviting a third person into your sex life without a person physically being there. So that's like an erotic solution. Now there will be issues that can be solved like that. But then there will also be issues that cannot be solved. And you will have to make that hard decision.

Sexual incompatibility is a real thing. And it's one of the top predictors of divorce. What about if they just hit the criteria of everything you've ever looked for in a man And you're like, oh, I really feel like I found my soulmate. Do you think that sexual incompatibility will still get in the way of that? No, I don't think so. I think sexual satisfaction is important in a relationship, But I don't think it's everything.

I think that's why people in the past were able to maintain a romantic relationship longer. It's because they don't over-sexualize their relationship. They appreciate the different aspects of the relationship and they upplay those appreciation of the other factors way more. And they try to downplay the sexual dissatisfaction a little bit in their head. Now, not everyone can do it because I have personally helped a few different couples get a divorce due to sexual incompatibility. Because for some people, sex is their top three identity. Oh. Yeah.

but for others it's not so when it's not top three for you then you're like completely fine so I think you are completely fine not having feeling sexually fulfilled all the time I think sex is extracurricular like and I don't mean that it's not like part of the curriculum you know that is the definition of what I just said but like it it's not in your top three it would be that is almost feels absurd to me like there's so many things that are so much more important but I think that your long-term relationship of 14 years is like a testament to that because I feel as though like Dr. Tara said like if you over-sexualize what upholds a relationship like that is that's trouble that could be trouble. Do you ever see that like there's someone I know that is like not over

an ex and I feel like there's some sort of weird sexual bond that they have that I like haven't been privy to do you do you ever see that and that that's like a bad thing? of having sex with your ex? No, like a couple that is like toxic and like they just want to have sex. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, but they're not right for each other. Absolutely. Because sexual connection is so powerful. Sometimes it overrides all logic. Overrides all compatibility of your life. Like you don't care about the other compatibility at all. You just like hang on to this sexual connection. Is it almost like a drug addict or something? It is like that. Yeah. It is like that. Because good sex, you know, it releases oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. All these things are very

addictive. Like dopamine, like, that's why people love social media and being on the phone. It gives them dopamine constantly. So if you have great sex and you have dopamine release when you have sex with this person, regardless of how they treat you, sometimes your brain play tricks on you and your brain tells you you love this person when in fact you just have an orgasm. How do you help a friend who is clearly in a toxic relationship? And let's let's say it's been years and they are very sexually, let's say they're sexually compatible and a dick is just so good to her. Digmatized. Yeah, digmatized.

How do you help them? Because you know that this person is abusive, not great to them, all of the things. You have to stop them from having sex with that person because sex is what glues them together. Hmm. Really? You have to remove sex from that equation. Then they will get like clear eyed and then they will realize there's zero compatibility otherwise. Yeah.

Oh, that's a hard one though. It is. Yeah. caging it. Maybe give her a vibrator and like have her do her own job. Oh yeah. That's true. Quick question. Is everyone masturbating? Like I was slowly reintegrating. Okay cool. No, currently no. Okay. Yes. Okay. Using a vibrator? No, never. Never. Oh, why? I've been so satisfied with my own hand. I cannot go acoustic. It's me there. I seriously can't. I can't either. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

quick enough. I'm allergic. I'm not to brag, but I thankfully, I am a very easy comer. Like a light breeze will, I would say a light breeze. Like soul cycle. I do soul cycle. I shouldn't say that. I've never come to soul cycle. But yeah, it's very easy to like get me there. So like I never want to up my threshold for myself. I'm like, hey, this works. We're going to keep it right here. That's logical. I mean, I love a vibrator. So I would say, you know, being only like four months postpartum, don't even think about penetrative sex with your partner. Like there's no point. There's so much pressure.

Love to hear it. Thank you because you know this like whole idea like six weeks. Oh no. At six weeks, are you kidding me? No, no. I could never. Like I felt so just unprepared and not already. And maybe some women are prepared.

Like I'm not saying this like all women. But like thank you for saying that. Because it took me at least six months to even feel like down there was put. Oh, absolutely. Ready. I would say six months. I feel like I'm just sort of starting to get my ducks in a row, get my paperwork ready. You know, I'm like setting the scene, like soon, but not, you know.

No, absolutely not six weeks. Like that's so soon. Go to Brooke's house. Instead of asked for a cup of sugar, ask for a cup of lube. There's not that much lube at my house. Brooke has all the lube. No, but vibrator to me is like very important. Same, same.

Yeah. I love a vibrator. I think it's so empowering to give myself an orgasm. Oh my God, vibrator. Vibrator ad sisters. Yeah. Oh, with a rose? Although she did one.

Like, I had one literally catch fire like that. What? It was like on and it just started getting so hot and smoking. I was like, this is going to be the craziest lawsuit ever. Oh, my God. If I were to use it. Okay. Make sure you use high quality sex toys.

That's really, really important. How do we know it's high quality? medical grade material. It should be like a rechargeable on like a standard charger and not like, you have to use this adapter. That's crazy. And then it has to have, the company has to have like some sort of credential like ISO or like it has to have some sort of certification for the product and the factory. I would also say like if you like using it in the bath or if you feel like you want it to be some waterproof, like waterproof is also really good. Yeah, so make sure you use like a waterproof one that's for bath.

I actually, this is a really good hack. Take a bath and use a waterproof submersible vibrator in the bath because there's less impact on the clit and it feels really good. Homework. Water sports. Yeah, in a good way. Well, I have to go breastfeed. Thank you to our guest. Thank you so much.

This was honestly, I appreciate you so much. Coming from a very frustrated with herself, mom, this is very enlightening and so useful. And I will be shopping from my whole candle, stat. Yes. I have a whole oil in mind in my head. Yes. My whole oil.

Text it to me. Hobo oil, no. Okay, well, thank you. And where can people find more of you guys? Brooks, Gofield, on everything. On everything. Mine is lovebites.com. L-U-V-B-I-T-E-S.0.

Yay. All right. Thank you guys for being here, and we'll see you guys next week with a brand new episode. Thank you.