Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - The Bush is Back w/ Stella Barey & Rudy Jules

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

 #skimspartnerJOIN THE WEIRDEST PATREON EVER:  https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast   Death, taxes & Stella Barey coming back on Trash Tuesday to be with us girls 🙌🙌. That’s right everybody’s favorite an*l princess is back for talks of the hidden folder, body hair, hormones, motherhood & viewing the world with different colored glasses. Thank You to Our Sponsor(s): THANK YOU SKIMS! Try one of their buttery smooth, comfortable and flattering bralettes today! https://www.skims.com/trashtuesday   This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at www.betterhelp.com/TRASHTUESDAY  and get on your way to being your best self *Listen to Esther's New Solo Pod!* https://www.esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com *Visit Ebb Ocean Club & Holiday Shop* https://www.ebboceanclub.com/ for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products! FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday  MORE ESTHER:TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/  MORE KHALYLA:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/ Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A   PRODUCTION:Production Team: Tiny Legends, LLC:  https://www.instagram.com/tinylegends.prod/ Stella Young: https://www.instagram.com/estellayoung/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Edited By:Arielle Jade: https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ 

So should we welcome back? We have like a fan favorite, a group favorite. Oh, gee, really? Return finally to the stages of Trash Tuesday. We've got Stella Berry. I feel like Stella Berry, like her guesting on our show several years ago, like helped define the brand of Trash Tuesday. I didn't know that.

No, that's just something that I thought of right now. So it makes sense that you wouldn't know that, but I think it's real. That is sick. Because you're like smart and sexy. And that's all we need. Thank you. Shout it to our golden slug, Brandon. Guys, we have a Patreon.

And the truth is we just recorded a long and deep episode for our patrons only. And it was the four of us. And it was really intense. And if you want to listen to that, that will be the bonus episode this week. Check it out. Check us out at patreon.com slash trash Tuesday. day podcast or the link below. And we have new bonus episodes every week. It's a little extra juicy. It's a little bit more of our unmasked version of ourselves. And I think it's our best work.

So we'll check it out. This podcast is brought to you by Skimps. I basically live in Skims Browlets. From the triangle brawlet to the racerback, they're all equally comfortable, equally supportive, and equally buttery. Shop my favorite bras and underwear at skims.com. And after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select our show trash tuesday in the drop-down menu that follows i am on tour i'm so excited that i will officially be going on tour this fall starting in september i'm going to be in madison portland seattle denver philly boston new york olympia all these great cities i can't wait to share all my new material with you guys it's been so fun to work on it get tickets at pretty little babytour dot com and you can get tickets now before they sell out the link below thank you i'm excited i'll see you

guys i have a hair care brand that i'm really proud of it is hyperclean reef safe incredible top incredible that's why i can carry it with me i mean like you know when you create something and you're like wow i really nailed it i really nailed it the formulation the packaging everything about it is fucking beautiful go to ebbosion club dot com we've sold out of the shampoo and conditioner for now So we are trying to bring that back ASAP, but we still have a ton of detanglers. There's some masks left. They are equally amazing. Go get shores at ebboceanclub.com.

Wait, what do you have? Oh, okay. So I have, I should have brought you one. No, you're good, you're good. Unfortunately, these all sold out. And so these ones are the rejects that have like little scratches or like, you know, flaws. But it's fine. So I did a couple readings this year.

my first time doing it where I collected excerpts of my favorite philosophy on erotism and taboo and sexuality. And then I read them at your local bar or bookstore. So yeah, that's my volume one. I'm going to compile volume two. I love ocean. Oh my God. These are books that I've collected over the last seven years that have changed my life or changed the history of the study of sexuality. And it's really hard to find excerpts like that or find authors to read about sexual philosophy if you're not like in school or in a class for it

which is rare. So I thought that I know a lot of people have interest in this. This is an anal scene a gay anal scene where he shits on his partner. That's how I open the reading.

On Earth we're briefly gorgeous. It is the best anal scene I've ever read where it is so so true to how I have experienced it. It is the most truthful depiction of anal. It's how the pain feels in your head

like how the pain goes white and all this other stuff and then how close you are and how like two beings become one and then also when you start to smell that you've shit on them and how dirty you feel and how broken you feel

but how human you feel it's a beautiful thing I feel like that is like the ultimate feeling of free like there is you cannot beat like once you've shit on someone I feel like there we have nothing there's no space between us anymore

exactly I love that we're just starting off strong try shooting on me you said you were going to put your finger up my butt. I want to. You won't let me. You know you're all talk. That's not true. Guess who's over my house right now? Jenna. Yeah. And I asked her to actually put her finger up my butt. And then she goes, actually, I don't really know what I would do. She's like, if I knew how to do it, I would. She's been constipated, Stella. Oh. So you want to like pull it out. Well, that's what the nurse said. To use your hand with a glove on. Yeah, to like digitally

disimpact. It's like a nursing thing. Yeah. Honestly, that's what every anal porn girl does. Really? What do they do? Like before a scene, if they want to make sure they're good, they just stick their finger up there, scoop it out. Jules, are you going to scoop your out? We all make jokes. I can't say they because I'm one of them.

I have been in the past. Don't do that anymore as much. But we all make jokes like you have your poop finger. Like it smells the rest of the day. I'm so sorry. Why don't I have to start like this? Jules has questions because she's a constipation queen. Is it better to use your finger or do the enema?

The enemas don't work on Esther anymore. She's up. She's leveled up. Though enumas are. Or just like, that's, you know, when I squeeze the water up there, do you ever do that? Yeah. And just get little pebbles that pop out. Yeah.

And she, like, narrates this to me via text. You know, I had a best friend in college. Pebbles has been a favorite word for you this past week. It's pebbles. I put my finger up, my best friend's butt just for fun in college. I was like, I just want to know what it's like, don't you? And he was like, yeah. And so we just sat there and my finger was up his butt.

And I was like, do you feel anything? He's like, not really. Oh, my God. Not really. Which is kind of what your guy's vibe feels like to me right now. Just stick your finger up there. I would definitely feel it if you say I wouldn't say not really have you seen my hands but you know you know a leg span and LeBron hands let's have mine in comparison I could do nothing

I wouldn't feel that I would feel it I wouldn't feel that if I was one of the porn girlies I'd have to be like hey Stella can you come help me because my fingers aren't doing it Well you know the comparison I always say is like I put a tampon in and guys are like wait you can't like feel that tampon for seven hours like you don't notice that it's in there and I'm like no I fully forget it's in there yeah it's the same thing if you put a tiny butt plug in or if you let a finger sit in there, just start to not notice it. You don't really feel anything. It's really the in and outs. Jules, you're not, are you anti...

I've only tried a finger, but then, I don't know. Finger isn't as good. The smaller it is, the worse it feels, I think. It's like, ooh. So it has to be big to be better? Okay, I'm down. It's just, I don't have anyone, so... I don't even do it that often anymore.

I love it, but it's also... But do you imagine? Hustervate yourself, like, using your butthole, too? I can, but I'm so lazy. I'm so lazy. It makes so much sense that your mom is a gynecologist to me now. It seems like it's a fascinating, like, it's a different brain. Yeah, it's a fascination.

No, it's a doctor brain. It's like, I want to know what it's like. I always just had such an open family dynamic talking about the body. And then I can be open with her about it, too, where I'm like, is this, like, medically okay to do? Or like how to I have anal and not get UTIs or? I just learned something new. Speaking of gynecology, this new SDD that is not in any of the panels,

but you have to specifically ask for it. It's the mycoplasma genitalium. Thank you, God, that you're talking about it, mycoplasma and also urea plasma. I had urea plasma. I didn't have mycoplasma. And you know what? All my friends, like even people not in the industry, have it.

Like so many people have it. It's just an overgrowth of bacteria of urea plasma. It only sometimes causes symptoms that make you feel like you have a UTI. But it takes like weeks of anaplasma symptoms tend to be a little bit more like uncomfortable. Yes, it can be stronger. But also a lot of people don't know they have it. It's like maybe a smell and maybe feels like a UTI. How did you know that you had it?

Oh, I was I thought I was getting a UTI like every week. And I was just dying and no one like tested for it and no one knew anything about it. And then my mom just tested me for it one day and she was like, oh, that's what's causing this. and it's like two weeks of doxycycline. Same with mycoplasma as doxy and another one. But apparently the problem with ureaplasma is you can go back and forth between your partner. So he has to get tested too.

He has to get treated as well. It's painful. Oh, God. Fun times in the SDD world, huh? Well, that's why they test for mycoplasma now for performers in porn, but they don't test for urea plasma. And so after I got that and I had to do two weeks of antibiotics, I was just like so traumatized by it all.

and the pain that it had been causing me that I stopped doing fluid exchange with anybody. So I won't kiss, I won't do anything where I could catch anything because there's so much we don't test for. There's so much we don't even know about, let alone like yeast infections and BV and things like that that can cause such issues

for women. It's so hard to tell to because it's like in theory it's like someone brings you over like, oh I just got tested. And for some reason, something about his chemistry or something about him is causing either chronic UTI, chronic BV or the cycle of BV East BVs like over and over again.

And like my partner in my 20s, like my college boyfriend, for some reason, no matter what I did, was constant UTI. Yeah. And like I had like a couple years of just maybe getting UTIs every two months. What? And then we broke up and I never got it again. I literally haven't had a UTI since. So I think that we have a very limited like idea or we don't talk enough about we

or was like chlamydia, gonorrhea, or the obvious ones, but never like the urea or the mycoplasma that, you know, could be like really fucking our brains up because it sucks. I was on the edge when I was getting UTIs like every two weeks. I was, and I get chronic UTIs. I haven't had one in eight months now since I treated urea plasma. It's not great. And then all my friends that are like,

I have like recurring BV that I can't get rid of and it's really fucking my relationship or like I feel like I have a UTI but then it never comes up positive. I'm like get tested for urea plasma and every single one has been positive. And then once they get fixed, they're fine. Yeah. And so get tested for ureaplasma. Yeah, I feel like so many of us.

Yeah. Well, it's hard to. And BV. Now, this is technically an STI. You have to treat your partner for it. A lot of doctor's offices don't even know what ureoplasma is. Or they're like, we don't treat that. We don't test it.

They should know. If they're a gynaecologist, they should know. It's just like not been something people have tested as much. But I will also say the urine tests don't really work. They're not accurate. Like I go into my urgent care now randomly and I'll just get a urethral swab for uriop. plasma and mycoplasma, just to make sure it hasn't come back. So they have to swab in your urethra.

Whoa. It's not as fun, but. No, but it's not, they don't go that far in. I don't, but that's the only accurate way to test for it. I never seen my urethra. I don't understand. I honestly don't really know where mine is either, but. Okay, can I explain to you how it works?

Because I put up catheters. I guess. If you don't want to, I don't, tell me. So your urethra is pretty much tucked in there. I would have to kind of peel away at the folds. And when I peel away at the very top, there's this little, little button. And it's a clear, it's a clear button that has a little hole in it. And that's where I would insert the catheter. And that's where you're getting swabbed. Yeah. And you know what's

funny in the gynecologist's office? It can feel a little uncomfortable. But in the gynecologist office, which is my mom's office, it's not weird because she knows what to do. And it's like normal and she's used to it. When I go to the urgent care, and this is just a poor little urgent care nurse, you know, she doesn't do gynecology normally. She doesn't normally have to spread your legs open. Like she's looking at your ankle. And she's like, all right. I don't even know if we have the swab, but I think we do. And then she finds it. And she's like, okay, like, we can do this.

And then I'm, like, fully spread there. And she's like, let me just find your urethra. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. Which I know it's not like that. I know they enjoy their job, you know, helping people. But I feel bad, making her find it. Peel back the folds and find it. It's never fun when you feel like the health care provider is like a little nervous.

Yeah. I'm like, I know I'm not supposed to go to you for this, but you're closer to my house. So I'm here every week. I implore you to find your P-hole. Why? You have to know where your P-hole is. That's a thing. Sounding.

You stick things up it. Really? It's called sounding, yeah. What kind of pleasure does that actually bring, though? I'm trying to really be open-minded here. I don't think women really do it. Maybe they do, but it's mostly a man thing. That's what I was going to say.

I know men do it. They'll put like pencils and things in there. I have seen that. I don't know what it is. I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's like, you know, when you have a yeast infection and you just fuck the it away? I feel like that's what it feels like.

Whenever I see it, I feel like that's what it feels like. That is the most, this is so horrible. Esther, put your earmuffs on. That is the most satisfying, like one of the most satisfying things I've ever felt was like fucking an itch away. Yes. Because you know when an it's just like deep inside your body

and you can't scratch inside your body, but when you can scratch inside your body. You feel it in your eyeballs. Like someone is just like actually getting that, that, it's, oh my God. Okay, you're done. You're good. Did you see the documentary zoo? about bestiality because there

are people I don't need to see that yeah okay she's like I love it no there are dudes who like put a piece of cheese in their butt and then have like a little

mice like these are the Germans right why do he do a documentary on this right why are we making these people famous they're like this is how people do bestiality well it's called zoo in the beginning is about a guy that died because he fucked a horse

and that one I know of that's the obvious up Stella Because I was going back to the feeling good as a little mouse scratching up the butthole as I thought was amazing. Oh my God, I will say. It's not a mouse that fuck my itch away.

Okay. This is not a, I don't have a personal story about this, but I have a, my mom in the 90s in L.A., she was working in emergency rooms in L.A. as a resident. And she said there were at least six men

that came in that had hamsters up there by. No. It was a trend. It was a trend at the time. So it's actually true. Wait, didn't, isn't there a celebrity with a hamster up the butt story?

She always brings it up. It's Richard Gere? Yes. Oh, he's my dad's doppel ging her own. No, Papa. I know. And he's the star of the Hesher of Chicago the movie. He's Mr. Razzle-Dazzle.

I can't think of him like that. I mean, more so, right? He's like the guy. I think it's just a rumor. I hope so. Usually rumors. I feel like it's just a rumor. I just rumors, right?

But my mom, she has corroborated. Oh, no. The hamster in the butt. People do crazy shit. That is why we need to talk more about sexuality, taboo, the philosophies of it, bring it to light. Maybe we can understand why we're going towards certain directions and how to not. You said that you're not doing fluid exchange anymore. So what does that leave?

So a lot of things I do are like masturbating side by side. I can anal train people so like they'll put dildos in my butt. I put dildos in their butt. Like interactive, but no spit exchange. I like that. Yeah. I feel like that might be the new rule in my relationship. relationship.

It feels like that. Or monogamy. Monogamy is good. Monogamy is nice. But when I'm working with lots of, I mostly work with girls now. I don't actually work that much anymore filming. Really? Yeah.

What do you? Yeah. Tell us about your life. What's the update? Okay. So this is my second. One, I've been doing readings. But also I brought some merch.

I don't know which size of these is which, but let's see. I don't even know what sizes would work for you guys. But these are. Thank you. Can I get my gift to you back so I can gift it to you properly? Yeah, I want to gift it to me, want to pass it to me? So I can open it. So three and a half years ago, I started building a porn platform called hidden.com.

And so I've randomly made like some fun little merch to just give to my friends because I'm like, okay, this is my excuse to like take the money and like make clothes of it. And did you wear these already? Yeah. I wore them. I got my juice is all in them for you. No, they're cleaning. We only ain't. We only flew an exchange with you.

Yeah. hidden oh these are so cute yeah i made they're so random but yeah i've made some little some little merch for it um my new phone but yeah i've been working for the last three and half years on building this porn platform and really the last year it ramped up where i'm like i'm now like worried about getting technic like i just sit at a desk all day with my team of girls just figuring running the whole like branding marketing um creator support product design everything you do it all stella i like i really was i'd never sold another product other than my My porn and are my only fans, really.

And so I was like, if I'm going to go into something, I'm going to, I built it with my high school best friend. And I'm like, I have to have full control of how this is because I know it's the first sex worker owned platform ever. So I love the name too. It's going to stand out. Hidden is so cute. It's cute, right? Yeah. I came up with it from the idea of just the hidden folder because all my guy friends and girlfriends have hidden folders on their phone with like their old sex tapes and like random news.

Can we go through our hiddens today? Yeah. And that's really what amateur porn fans want to buy is. I didn't know that was a real thing. Let's go through our hidden. I don't have a hidden. You don't have a hidden? Show me where it is.

My whole phone is my hidden. We can go on my hidden. You all have a hidden? You have a hidden. You have a hidden. How do you see a hidden? And really, the experience of the amateur porn fan is like going on the depths of Reddit to find their neighbor's hidden folder on their phone.

Really? That is the experience. They want to see like the girl that they had a crush on in sixth grade as an adult now, you know, what her hidden folder's like and what she looks like naked. It really is such a personal experience when buying. porn and I don't think a lot of people unless you're really in the industry and like seeing that fan base, understand

that it's like the most amateur content. Please tell me how you get to it. Just scroll down. Wait, don't you have to make it? You have to make it. Yeah, it doesn't just like take your nudes and just put it. It sounds like any nudes or sex tapes you have in seven, you put it in that folder. You put it in a folder that's, that you

hide. Yeah, it's like, okay, I got to get out of there. So then if you're scrolling through your phone with your family, none of your nudes are popping up because they're in the hidden folder. Oh, wait. I, D.T. use that. I just open mine and then I'm like honestly like you know I'm a mommy

you know what did you see if you just show me you said we're looking at them you said we're all looking in our hidden folders I know but it's it's an actual sex with someone else show me fucking show me you nasty nasty bitch one second

I'll just show you I'll just show you oh my god this is so nice I've seen one of you at the someone eating your ass Oh, yeah. Sorry, that is my hidden. That might be actually a tongue in the ass. How did you even get that image? Just look at the icon and then look away, okay?

Okay. Try, don't gasp. Can I see? Show me. She's looking at the image. Whose tongue is that? I don't know. I couldn't tell you, like, right off the top of my head.

I'm like, who is this? I'd have to, like, hit it, but then I'm not in the mood to see. Do you ever, like, think back to ex-partners and you're, like, so icked out by it. Oh, God, yeah. And so I'm scared to look at my hidden because I'm sure once upon a time I thought it was a hot video,

but looking back, I'll probably be, I'll probably vomit in my mouth right now. Yeah. Thank God I don't have a hidden folder. I just lose all my old shit, make news shit. Really? Yeah, I don't know where any of my old stuff is. I'm horrible organization.

I am. I really just treat this like a hidden folder. I really do just like make sex tapes and post them and I don't even catalog them. I don't put them on Dropbox. I don't organize them. Just lose them. This is how to live.

Jules, what's in your hidden folder? It's mostly just nudes from like before. Because I don't like taking nudes. So before I would just like do the previous ones and send it to the guys. You're like, these are my talking. But see, you have to be careful. You have to screenshot the photograph. So he doesn't date.

He doesn't have to scroll up to six years ago when you originally took it. Yeah. Taking nudes is so tiring for me. It is. I should send Dave a nude from when I was like 21. You should notice this. You absolutely should. But you went through a period of not loving your body. That would not be good.

When I showed him, actually one time I showed him a picture and I go, this is my cousin. Don't we look alike? He's like, yeah, you do. I'm like, that was me. When I was in my early 20s, I was bigger. Listen, I'm a new mom. My size has fluctuated so much in the last year and a half. But the one thing that I love about skims is that it has adapted to my new size.

I haven't had to buy any new undergarments. I haven't had to buy any new t-shirts. I haven't had to buy new anything. And what I love about skims is it offers the support. It has an incredible buttery soft feel to it. And I can wear it all day. I can wear it all night. I can sleep with my bra.

And it doesn't dig in. It doesn't cost that little like lump on my back that I don't love. I basically live in my Skims braulets. They are so buttery, so supportive, so comfortable. I wear them day and night. It's extremely comfortable, and I cannot recommend it enough. Now you can shop my favorite bras and underwear at skims.com, and after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you, select podcasts in the survey, and be sure to select

our show Trash Tuesday in the drop-down menu that follows. This ad is by Better Health. Therapy has been an indispensable part of my life. I've spent years digging deep, learning about who I am, what my triggers are, and how to just move in this world, feeling better about myself, feeling better about my decisions, my life, basically everything. But I'm here to tell you that the number one thing that has been a positive in my life is therapy. And if you're curious about therapy, give better help a try. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. having served over 5 million people globally.

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first order with Code Trash Tuesday. So head to Mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with. And remember to use promo code Trash Tuesday at checkout to save 20% off your first order. I have a question for the group. How do you feel if your best friend sends you a sex tape or nudes that she's sending to a guy? Just to a proofread? Yeah. But I'm like, is this too much? This has happened to me before where someone has sent it without like honking the horn first. And it's annoy the shit out of me. Really? Why?

I don't know if I'm in the mood to watch my friend, you know, like to look at my friend's fucking, you know, urethra right now. So true. Like, so it's like, hey, can I show you this and explain to me what it is first so I have the option to say yes or no, right? I feel like it might be a codependency because I'm like, why do you need to send this to me? Like, believe that you look hot and just send it.

Like, keep that between you and, but also I receive news on a daily basis from my friends, so it's totally normal and fine. See what you're saying. But what's the point? Just send the nude, I would think. Like, why do your girls have to tell you, you know, like, this is perfect? Be a freak. Be a little freak and send, like, your bush.

Yeah, and it also kind of maybe puts you in a bad position because what are you supposed to give notes? Like, what do we like? You're like, girl, don't not send that. Your tits look uneven. Right. I think it's like a cheerleading thing, though. It's like, you look so fucking not. It's like empowerment.

Yeah. Fuck, yeah. Send it. But, no, you should know in your core you want to send it. You should have the validation. And the sickest thing is when no one knows that you send nudes or anything. and you do. You're a little freak on your phone

to your partners. And no one knows. You're like going to the bathroom to send a video of you peeing, you know, to your boyfriend. But you don't have to tell anyone you do that. It's sicker that way.

Yeah, that's true. But maybe that's like a freak mindset. I don't know. What? Nothing. I'm just looking at you. What do you think? You'd be a little freak.

I am a huge freak. And I have a big hidden folder. Oh, really? Stella. Yeah. See, now imagine if you could monetize your hidden folder, you know, which is really what a lot of amateur girlies in the industry are doing. Are you still active on OnlyFans or not as much as you? I'm not at all.

So I still have an OnlyFans. Like how it is in the industry is everyone has eight different sites to monetize. You know, like we want to make, even if I'm making $200 somewhere, I'm not going to delete that. You know, I want you to make money on as many platforms as possible. So with Hidden, for instance, I added a For You page that feels like TikTok where you can promote yourself on their. who don't have to promote across all these social medias, which is our biggest problem right now. We're getting censored on every platform.

And we have no plan B and we have no seat at the table. And it's actually ruining people's lives. Like even last week, a law went into place in the UK. And while they're trying to figure out how to age verify to see porn content on Twitter, which is the main marketing platform for so many sex workers, they just blurred all their content and made it completely inaccessible until they can figure out the ID verification.

So a lot of girls are just, just dead in the water and have no way to promote their content to make rent money next month. Yeah. So there's a for you page that you can promote on and find new fans and, you know, it's us working together basically to build an ecosystem of fans that we all can rely on. And then you can sell content on there as well without having to like manually send it in the messages. You can just have a store to sell your content on, which is another thing.

It's just like more efficient monetization. I love that. Congrats. You're such a workhorse. We already got offers for. from large campsites to buy us because they're like, if once you launch live streaming on your site, you take 18%, why are people gonna, you know,

pay 50 or 60% for us? And so they buy out tons of little sites so they can keep charging that. But my next plan, I wanna build this platform and just have it be a small niche corner of the internet that sets the standard for what sex workers can expect from their sites, like we have the best chargeback protection. So people can't buy your content and refund,

which right now on OnlyFans, if they refund, they can get a refund every time. No way. Yeah. There's just so many things we could do that are more sex worker friendly, but no one cares enough. You are the person to sort of to really lead this charge because you have lived it. And the change that has happened in the last five years, I'm just like, holy shit. The industry is changing in every aspect so much, not just censorship, but like even how the public views us. Because when I first started this, it was kind of like, hey, that's rebellious and cool.

And, you know, there's more of a conversation. And now with how agencies and AI have taken over the industry and they have 59 Instagram accounts to promote one girl, people just see us as scammers and like money hungry. Like if you have an only fan's pages, you're seen basically as like a money hungry scammer, which is so not at the heart of what this industry really is, which

is like something that will always exist because of human connection. What is the future of just the sex industry in general with AI in mind? Like how is that going to change? How will it affect it? Is there a world where performers become

obsolete? I mean, at this rate, even with the future of our industry, it's almost like we're going to get banned in 10 years globally if we don't start coming together and holding conversations about sex work and what makes it beneficial and like how we want to build it because we have no control over how sex work is right now. We don't own our platforms. We don't decide how we get to promote. We promote on the sites that have algorithms that we can figure out how to work around and push ourselves out on. And we live basically like outlaws on the internet. With AI, there are things I think we could do that could make it benefit us

because people are more likely to buy content of AI that is of somebody they recognize, a real girl, right? And so right now we don't own our likeness at all. So my girlfriend.com and all these sites can just sell videos with our face on them. And that is going to potentially make us obsolete. But what I really want to do with Hidden in the future

is set a precedent with it that we own our likeness. Say you could swipe right on your OnlyFans profile, for instance, and it goes to the AI version of your profile where fans can request videos. They can be like, I want to see you sucking my dick on a plane in a red dress and the video sends to them and it looks like you yeah which is where

we're at with AI right now and so if a girl can harness it herself and then also with that set the tone and the precedent through the terms and contracts that they own their likeness then we can also start prosecuting places that that sell content of you without your consent so there is a lot of things we can do but we need to start instituting it otherwise AI will make us obsolete yeah do you shave your legs every day no really I haven't shaved my thighs ever in my life not once so how do you have smooth they're not that smooth do you want to feel them they're pretty smooth are so cute thank you thank you guys I'm just like to show as much skin as you're showing you must have so much body hair confidence like that it's not gonna pop out I mean I think

body hair's hot anyway though you know like I love armpit hair on women I I love I have a bush and I think a bush is so hot and like when your bush comes out the top of your bikini bottom I think it's so fucking hot. What? And this is a lot about philosophy of taboo is like things are hotter when they are in conflict.

So when you look like a little Barbie but then you have armpit hair and pubes it actually makes it hotter because it's a contrast. Okay, so it's a little Lester over here. This is why she's hot to me

because she looks like a little baby but she's got an adult bush. Yeah. Most corn fans would say that about their favorite creator as well. See? Look at you. Look at all.

She's like, I don't tell me I have a bush. Young little baby with a giant bush. And I'm saying. But it goes to my knees. It's not good. Does it get heavy? Do you like, do you wake up in bed sometimes and like see your pubs laying around next to you?

No, it's mostly just dirt that my dog dragged in. This morning I like put my hand over. I'm like, oh, it's so bad. I told Dave when we woke up, I was like, you have to vacuum the bed today. Don't know. Vacuumed the bed. She's just wash it, Esther. I just change the sheets like every three days because of my dogs.

But you know what I've thought about that? I've been like, I wish I could just vacuum the bed. But I've never actually done it. Really? Because I feel like the vacuum's dirty. Wait, this is a regular thing in your home you vacuum your bed. It's a new thing. Just the hand back, I feel like, is left dirty.

Oh, yes. Yeah, you're right, you're right. It's a new policy that I want to implement because it's just, it's too bad. And we can't change the sheets every day. That would be crazy. Once a week. But you could also not let your job. dog in the bed. It's not an option. That's not. What is life in that case?

What's the point of having a dog? Yeah, that would be horrible. I mean, I can't even imagine her being like, yeah, right. Like, no. She would run away. Shave her. Make her bald. Oh, that's a good idea. Mare her.

I've actually brought that up. My husband's like, no. Does she go under the sheets with you down there? Is that why it's dirty? Yeah, there's not. She's like on the bare bed, yeah. Yeah. Mine are on the duvet. Oh, really? They're big, though. Are you someone that is very disciplined about changing your duvet cover? To, like, reshove it back in. That's such a rude question. Because I, for the life of me, will never get a duvet. Never do a duvet because I don't have the patience and the discipline to shove the whole thing back and zip it or clip it or whatever. Oh, it's horrible, but I do it twice a week. What? And then also the housekeeper does it as well, but I usually do it once or twice a week.

Why? Because I can't stand the bed, the dog hair on my bed. And I honestly, I feel like I've gotten to such a good, I like weirdly making the bed. I have a good science putting a duvet on. And I like tie the corners and then just let it fall over the whole thing. I've tried the hacks. I try, but it just somehow doesn't work for me. Yeah.

I mean, at the end of the day, every single time I make the bed, I'm pouring sweat by the end of it. Jules, what did they say about making your bed every morning? Because like there was a switch in you. Oh, I would not make my bed every morning. I'll say that. No. There was a switch that happened with her somewhere. around like I think her second year of college where all of a sudden like you were making your

bed every day. I know that was just a face. It's it hasn't been like that. Oh, you had to have to do it because my room was just crazy. Oh, I see. The last time you came on trash, um, we talked about, um, your relationship with your partner at that time. And, um, I think, I think you're pretty open about the fact that he was going through or he, uh, was bipolar. Yeah. He was super open about it, which is the crazy part. Right.

Even before I met him, he was all on the internet. Like, all his poems and everything were about bipolar. So he was so open about it. And then I was too, and I tried to be so positive about it. Like, this is something we can deal with. Well, while you were in it, in the thick of it, were you like, okay, like the flags were up? When I got into the relationship, I was 22, and I had no idea what bipolar actually meant or was.

And I didn't know some people, you can't fix them. and I didn't know there isn't happy endings to every story if you just like put love into it and so obviously looking back I'm like oh the way the relationship started with him asking me for money when I was uncomfortable about it or him staying at my house and I was uncomfortable about it or him punching walls and yelling at me

like I didn't flag that yet because I didn't realize that wasn't fixable or that it was a problem which is just so crazy and it's so weird how you develop wisdom two years down the line and you go back and you're a whole different person. Also too, because it has a name, right? Because you're like, you can file it under, he's bipolar. So all bad behavior can fall under he's either manic or he's going through a slump, right?

Exactly. You file it under there and you forget the fact that, oh, like I'm actually not being treated the way I should or I am, you know, miserable because everything becomes so focused. focused around this. Exactly. Was there sort of a breaking point, like as to what, because you were clearly putting up with a lot. Yeah. We were together for four years. Yeah. So what sort of changed or he'd have a manic episode every six months, no matter what medication he was on, no matter what was happening. And he would leave and sleep on the streets for a couple months and like live his truth, you know, and say he was a woman and go through all that. And then he'd end up

in a psych unit. And I would take him back and be like, okay, we're not together now, but we're just, you know, I'm helping you have a place to live and you can work with me and we're best friends. But of course, we're living together and we're in love and we are basically back together. And then there were points where I was like, okay, we're broken up. I can't get out of bed every day because I'm so depressed and I feel so trapped in this and I and your problems have taken over my life. I'm a peaceful, calm person. Like I, it's easy for me to have good days. And with him, it's impossible for him to have good days. So I just didn't have good days for four years. Which is crazy. You always start to realize like,

I can't live like this. Like walking on eggshells, basically. Yeah. And just like his, if he's having a bad day, I'm having a bad day. Right. And his struggles are now all my responsibility. And so there got to a point where I was like, I'm just so depressed. I have to end this.

Like when we're not together, I feel amazing. And then when I come back home, I can't get out of bed. And so I ended it. But I was like, he crashed out so bad from it. And I felt so guilty that I couldn't help him. Like, there's so much guilt when you're with somebody that you take care of even emotionally. There's so much guilt of like, I want. him to be okay and I love and care about him like a child almost. And so I put him up in his own

apartment and supported him fully. And it was like $10,000 a month cash just to go to drugs. And I did that for over a year. And then there was just a point where he was so bad mentally that he was he was so mad. I wasn't sleeping with him anymore that he was harassing my family. I also just noticed like I was making him so codependent and I was enabling so much behavior. And he was doing so many drugs that are so bad for him and so bad for his mental state. And I couldn't say no. And so I just completely cut it off. That was my breaking point. But it took four years. It took so much time until you just, at one point, you just can't do it anymore. And I wish I had looked back all the times I'd broken up with him and just ended it then. But I just didn't know. Now I know that if somebody doesn't have their

shit together, it's like I wish them the best. I wish them so much luck. But I know that it will sink my ship. I cannot fuck with it anymore. I can't let those people in my life. This is what I think that people maybe don't realize, like, about Kim Kardashian. Imagine, like, the father of your children, someone you had this very public relationship with that you loved. I'd be so afraid. Even... It is terrifying.

And it's afraid, but also, like, like, you said, this, like, feeling of, like, you're responsible for this person. Because you probably know them the best. You probably know their triggers. You probably know, like, they're upset. everything about them. Yeah. At some point, like, you got to, you got to take care of yourself. Yeah.

And you, and you, I think people apply, like, we love to apply a lot of characteristics onto people that we love. Like, oh, they're really a good person deep down, or like, they're really empathetic, or they're so great. But then if you really look at their actions, it's like, why are you feeling guilty all the time? Why are you feeling shameful all the time? They might be an amazing person when they're in a good state.

But it also might be true that because of their personality disorders and all these other things, that they, use guilt to manipulate you and get what they want. And we don't always have to look at them with rose colored glasses. Like a lot of it is manipulation. And I was fully just being manipulated. And I own up to that. I'm not a victim.

I let it happen to myself. It happens to everybody. This is a conversation I had with a friend recently. Basically, it was me saying, like, we have to stop being over understanders. Yes. We have to stop. Like, I'm 40, this girl, a friend of mine who had just, for the sixth time, broken up with a guy who was showing the same behavior over and over again.

He had good moments and then he turned into a raging cokehead. Exactly. And then they'd break up. And then he'd get her back and then raging cokehead. So it's that roller coaster manipulation. Yeah. Because the highs are so high. Yes.

The lows are so low. And it becomes a dopamine. It becomes a drug. Right. I was never, I never felt like a crazy person. And then I started being like, oh my God, I think I'm going crazy. Yeah.

Like I think, why is this so addicting? Why is it the moment that he's gone? I miss him. even though he just freaked me out and scared me and I thought I was going to lose my life. Like why it makes no logical sense. But then I learned about the dopamine hit of the ups and down to ups and down. And you're always like a drug. You're always chasing that same high, right, of when things are so great.

And you constantly go back to the beginning and then you start to romanticize the beginning and the story of it all versus what you're seeing in front of you. I still can do that in my head. It's crazy. It's like you get older and you realize life is actually so much more fragile than you think it is when you're young and you think, oh, I can have crazy people in my life that are so fun and, like, maybe they're abusive and it doesn't, you know, it's not going to affect me that much. And then you get older and you realize, wait, I've one life and, like, this will sink my ship.

Like, people that are totally normal will go crazy because their partner or their partner will kill them. Also, that's another thing. It only, this sounds so pessimistic and I hate to say this, but it only gets worse. Yeah. Like with people, if they're displaying signs of something, just know it only gets worse. That's like the tip of the iceberg. the fact that the person's going to get better.

Like, if they're good to you, then that's, then keep it. But if they're bad to you, don't, like, hope for the fact it might get better because usually those little signs that the guy's showing, 10 years down the line, he murders you. Yeah. And it's the same for people, not even in relationships. If you're seeing red flags in someone and they're constantly baiting you back in, the same friendship. And it's like, no, no, no.

Like, I now, like, I'm so clear on the fact that, like, I'm going to take you for what you are, for what you're showing me. Yeah. Fuck your words. if it's, if I don't see the action of accountability, apology, awareness, my three A's. Yeah. I don't want anything to do with you. I don't care if you try to romanticize the friendship we once had and to try to give me,

oh, remember this and lull, or I don't give a shit. You realize that shit's not rare. You're like, oh, it's not rare to have this connection with someone. If they're, like, I can go find that with someone else that's better. You are so capable. Like, as humans, we are so capable of doing so many amazing things for ourselves and for the world and we're so loving and we're so empathetic and there's so much good we can do and if that all gets drawn into this toxic manipulated situation to this person that's just draining you of it you lose

all that capability that you have like i was so much less capable the thing that you said that is like just like ding ding ding ding in my head is like this person will sink our ship yeah and it's like that is so real and that is something that again it always takes longer than you wanted to to realize it. Yeah, it always does. But this person will sink this shit. They will stop at nothing. There's trauma you don't even realize you're having

until years later. Like I realized years later that I was raped by him many times. And in the moment, I just kind of brushed it off. And then you realize you have, like once you get into a healthy relationship and then you start to learn like healthy coping mechanisms or like healthy sex, you start realizing, wait a second, like I have weird things from what I was experiencing and it takes so long to realize. What about too? Like the brainwashing, like for me, for years after, I would realize, like, I had this little thing against certain people where I, and then I'll all of a

sudden, I'd be like, why don't I like that person? And then I'd be like, oh my God. It's because of something that other person was saying to me all the time. Oh my God, that happens. And then I fall for it. Yeah. And even though, like, in that moment, like, this is always like the type of person that I don't trust. If they're giving me information about someone I've never met and it's negative, later on I meet that. Like, right? Is that what you? you're talking about and that's a red flag yeah it's like I haven't met this person and you're already saying all of these negative things you haven't even given the person's not in the room they're not here to defend themselves and usually I meet that person and like you said I already

have a negative feeling and I'm like where is that from why do I already dislike this person the seed was already planted in my head exactly and I did in that moment I'm not realizing that even though I'm like oh we can't be manipulated yes you can oh yeah yeah the seed is planted in the moment, I think I'm just like hearing my friend's drama and I'm like, I'm being a supportive friend listening to this. But then it's like years later, I'm like, I don't like this person. I have fully had that experience too. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I think people need to wake up to it more because it's it's not fair to you. It's not fair to the other people. Like, I don't know. I'm really upset about it because I feel like there's some like friendships that didn't happen or didn't

go the way they were supposed to go because I specifically pulled back because of some bullshit, some crazy bitch was saying. Yes. A thousand percent. I've cut off so many people because a crazy bitch in my life was just like, this what you have to do. And I was just guilted into it in the moment. But people really do prey on you with guilt. And all of that. And then control your life. We're susceptible to advertisement. Like commercials work. And like if some person who's like charming and whatever and is like saying a story, like you're, that's just how the human brain works. We listen to what we hear. That's another thing like even in this book of excerpts that I I put together is another huge thing is like we think that reason and emotion are two separate

things in the brain and that the human brain can can differentiate between the objective and the subjective. But the objective to us is literally made from the subjective. They're inextricable. You can't, you cannot take bias and emotional bias out of the objective or of your reason. You can't be like, this is what I should do, but this is like what my emotions want me to do. We might think we're doing that. But really everything, our whole reality, everything that we, how we navigate the world, how we see ourselves in the world, how we self-assess our competency in the world is all based off of emotion. The lenses that I was viewing the world with when I was in this relationship was so different than what it is now. Like I see myself so

differently, my confidence and my competency and like what I think I'm capable of doing is so different. And really all reality is how you go around in your life is the lens. You know, we were talking about Lexapro earlier. It's like when I have Lexapro in my system, my lens is so different. It's not clouded by anxiety and fear anymore. Fear basically goes out the window. And so I view the world as so much more of like an open oyster. So many little pearls for me to depict from. I'm really, I'm really thinking of Lexa Pro. Yeah. Oh my God. I would just, I would, I would recommend just trying it unless you want your pussy to be wet because mine it was not wet. That's the problem. Because I've been on SSRIs in the past. I've been on everything.

I've even been on like first gen like antipsychotic. Damn. That it was like that got me like put on so much And I was like, this isn't for me. And I could not come. Like, my eyeballs would pop out of my actual, like, I would try so hard. And it was like not. You get there, though. I think at the beginning, you maybe like have that stuff. But then your body adjusts and then you get to normal.

Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. But I will say it doesn't fucking matter. You can use lube or whatever if that's what you need. Like, I built my whole business and my life and what I know is good for me. And my lens shifted for so long that it has impacted me forever. knowing that I'm capable when I was on Lexapro because anxiety didn't cloud me anymore.

And then I get off Lexopro and it's like, yeah, okay, my pussy's wet and I can have good sex, but I also don't answer my emails for three months, you know? And I feel like everything's caving in and I feel like I can't accomplish anything. Right. And then I get back on Lexapro, I'm like, I can go back to school at 40 if I want to and be a doctor.

Like you're way more in tune with actual reality. And that is so important to survival. So fuck having a wet pussy. But also, there are other solutions. So I got off my Lexapro. recently because I finally got on birth control pills so I don't ovulate anymore. And so that premenstrual dysphoria that I had because my hormones before my period is gone now. So I'm like this. And so now I don't need the Lexpro because I'm so stable from the birth control pills.

Love that. And now my pussy's wet again. Congratulations. Yeah. So I found a solution. Wow. It took so many years. PMDD is a bit. I tell people this all the time. And I'm sure most women relate, which is so fucked. But a two and a half weeks out of the month, I'm so productive. I'm showing up to calls every at 9 a.m. I love my life. I'm motivated. And then there's two weeks where I cannot answer the phone. I can't get out of bed. I am so anxious. I'm impulsive. I'm making horrible decisions. I want my relationships in my life to end. I was like, my business wouldn't function if I was, I would just go ghost every two weeks. Yeah. And you feel ugly. I feel so horrible. Lydia is like. Treat yourself bad. Oh, I even notice it now. My face changed.

just so much every month. Same. I'm beautiful and then I'm... Can I tell you a perfect example? So I put this shirt on on my luteal face and I wanted to light my whole body on fire. Why?

Because I was like, I, when did I think this was my color? I'm so fucking ugly. This doesn't go well with my skin. But guess what? I'm right around the corner from ovulating and look at the shirt I wore. I'm like, this looks amazing.

That's how starkly different my mind works. And that's what I'm saying, like we understand these lens shifts because you see the world completely different when there's different hormones in your system. This is what was so interesting, too, because when I was pregnant, I loved the way my mind, like, operated.

I was cool as a clam. I was, like, just happy. I felt like I had blood supply to my brain, and I was in therapy, and she was like, you know, I didn't get it done, but she was like, it would be interesting if you actually, like, tested your hormones now

to see if you could replicate it for when, you know, you're not pregnant because it seems as though like you're just loving life. Yeah. And your stable high hormones. I wish I had done it now because postpartum, when I tell you the crash out that happens, it's like the pits of hell for me. Like, so much so that I want to get pregnant stat, like immediately because I hate the feeling of my anxiety and my depression and the darkness and the scare.

at night that I'm like bring me back to that brain please I don't care if my ankles are are thick or you know if I'm like peeing every two seconds just bring me back to that brain exactly okay I have a few questions okay not the first trimester I'll say that your experience with pregnancy hormones is I feel the more most common like people feel really good pregnant the hormones why doesn't that happen to me I feel like you're maybe just not looking at yourself close enough because can I say I enjoyed your the way you were when you were pregnant not the first trimester the first trimester is hell it really is just awful you feel sick right like how do you feel in pregnancy what do you mean like is it oh terrible like like is it just like puking or it's mentally horrible that's that's the thing like so the first trimester is like super just unbelievably vomiting nausea no energy and then usually most commonly for most people like second trimester your energy comes back and you like get really happy i feel like i got out of the nausea in my second trimester but i was still really really

uncomfortable and and i was miserable can i as your producer say that you were funnier what you're like and not only that but she was like she had big dreams yeah you're ambitious i love this you were like i'm 38 weeks pregnant that's okay i'm going to go on the tonight show fly with my big you were such a fucking like renegade bro free spirit free spirit esther you are so fucking funny i just don't think you like to give yourself any you like to stay miserable because you like pity oh that's true you want to be pitied right so like you don't you don't want to be like i am so i'm actually feeling great i just know that i didn't have the glory that you felt and i'm upset about it well i'll tell you i think one of the reasons why i did feel

the glory but whitney felt it too i think like it's common to feel this like amazing feeling. But it's also common to be very sensitive to hormones and feel fucked the whole time too. So it is. You can be sensitive and they can be too high because also the hormones in pregnancy, yes, they're more stable and they're higher so you can feel really good. But also they are the greatest stress your body will ever go through. And we're worried that like the hormones in birth control pills increase our risk of cancer. But really it's the hormones from pregnancy do it even more so. So it's not a beneficial thing for your body to go through when you're pregnant. But obviously, I think biologically, what it is

is that like there's got to be something biologically where we feel better when we're pregnant overall because we want to keep getting pregnant. And they do say that biologically, this is a process where if you're not getting pregnant, PMS exists to break up unfurtile pair bonds. So if you're not fertile and you're not getting pregnant with your partner, you go through so many PMSs that it forces the relationship to end so you can go find somebody that will get you pregnant faster. That's crazy. Yeah. So it's not like your body in the moment's like, we've been together too long let's fucking fuck shit up yeah it's just like every month we get that's it's just a theory i kind of think that yeah it's sounding real i know it's a real thing for me i have

pots so it's like postural it's like a fucking weird autoimmune i heard about it on tic talk a lot of girlies are finding out they either have eds or pots or some kind of version of that but my blood pressure basically like tanks to the floor and my heart rate shoots up and with pregnancy you're just kind of just this, as Rosebud calls it, like a waterlogged pig. So your blood flow is constant. And so my blood pressure never tanked. Yeah, because I think your heart like doubles in size.

Yes. You have all of a sudden your body is so well profused. I have color in my face. And I have blood to my brain. And it turns out having consistently low blood pressure, the blood never got up here. So I was like always brain fog. Crazy.

And then when I was pregnant, I was like, I'm a fucking genius. I can do it all. How crazy is that? It's so weird because it's like obviously how society is now. It's like we don't have to get pregnant. We don't have kids if we don't want whatever. But it's so weird how our bodies are so programmed to push pregnancy.

And how much like our body, that's what our bodies are built to do in everything in society or everything in our bodies is trying to get us to get pregnant more. And then you romanticize. You romanticize your pregnancy. So during pregnancy, you're like, oh my God, I can't walk. My pussy bones broken. Everything hurts. This is like awful, awful, awful. And then you get out of it and months pass and you do have that amnesia.

And then you look back at a photo and you're like, what a wonderful time. It's not that you didn't have the same experience as everyone. It's that when you look back, you're not romanticizing it. No, but I do. I don't have the romanticizing team. You do. Because, okay, so I had a very, very miserable pregnancy. The whole pregnancy, I'm like one and done.

I'm never doing this again. The second the baby was born. You're like, fuck it. I want another. Yeah, it's like I want more. because it's like almost you're just it's an addiction your software the downloaded software it just it's there and I'm like oh yeah because the reward is so high and then you're like almost like if you finish a big workout you're like I want to do that again it's like oh I suffer through nine months

and so that's twisted thinking and then it dips down to postpartum PPA and PPA and then you're back at you're like oh that I'm one and done I'm never the reason I may never do it again is not because of the pregnancy. It's because of postpartum. What a dark, dark place mentally. But the second one cannot be... It can. Can I tell you?

My friend just told me that in her second pregnancy, she, in her pajamas, she launched herself in the middle of traffic. She had... She did two under two. Her mentals were just in a really bad place. And I think that she had really bad, um,

PPD, her first one. And, um, she just sort of like rolled into another pregnancy immediately after. Um, yeah, she went out in her pajamas one day, like five months pregnant. He's like, I'm going to launch myself into traffic. And that could literally happen. That's the craziest part to any of us. And can I tell you?

So freaky's, you have no control over that lens. She is one of those people you're like, oh my God, her life. She's just got it together. That's what your brain can do to you. It's all about how you're viewing your reality. It has nothing to do with actual reality. It's crazy. I wonder what the biological reason is for postpartum depression other than maybe

there is no reason. It's just, okay, you've had the baby. Hormones drop. Yeah. It's just like, well, fuck it. You've had the baby. We don't give a fuck how you feel anymore. Well, one thing that I felt.

Because I felt like all this for my postpartum like all this like shame and like self-hatred and I really felt a biological purpose there of like that would make me care for my baby. You know, it's like if I do one little thing wrong, I'm not a good mother. Oh my gosh. That could be. That is a biological reason. You're hyper anxious basically. It's what it is. You're hypervigilant that it's so much so that like one of the things like I would.

worry about ever holding my baby close to a window because I thought a stray bullet could come through at any time. Oh my God, it really is just anxiety. It's just anxiety. Because when you, they say when you have anxiety, like when I had anxiety in college, I would just look at windows and picture myself flying out of them. Or, you know, when you're driving on the road and you just

picture yourself going into cars, they say that's a symptom that you don't realize of anxiety. Yeah. And so you have that with, that's PPA. You have the most obnoxious, like, so, like, out of this world scenarios in your head. And my therapist says, especially if you're a creative person you really those scenarios aren't just scenarios to become whole movies in your head movie of

how the stray bullet has now entered your home and you've created a whole movie of what happens after all the way to the end i know that's so stupid and it's like driven me up a wall and i'm like i am so that's the most exhausting part of it is you're fighting your own brain you're like that's not rational that's not rational that's not rational but it just floods you it like that's crazy do you feel Remember Jules and I was like, don't stand next to the heater. It might explode. Yeah, you were crazy. Crazy.

Don't stand next to any electronic. It might explode. That sounds like my mom, honestly. Do you feel like you're improving or do you feel like? Wait, she's my gauge. Yeah, she's improving. She's so much better now before it was crazy. Anything was just like, like you can't do anything.

We really are slaves to our, to our programming. Yes. And our hormones. How crazy is that? Crazy. But then I still want to have a baby. I see other moms just like chill in, man. And I'm like, fuck.

But I feel like every time you really talk to someone, some people are like, yeah, it's chill. But I feel like so much of this is, it's such an internal experience that I'm sure everybody has some form of this experience. I hope so. Because it is very isolating sometimes. Like the thoughts I run through my head, I'm like, oh, like I'm embarrassed to say out loud because like, what if new moms don't have this? No, everyone has. Except those party girls like at 22 and they're like, I just went to the hospital one day with a pain in my stomach. And I had a baby. But see, this is why I do think that there is an upside to having them really young is because you don't have the fully formed brain to really have that like fear yet. When you have a baby late in life and all of your entire being, the pieces of yourself have lived and experienced horrible things so you know all the things that could go bad. Yeah. No, I think that's so true. What's the worst thing? Even when I was young, like, especially, when I was 17, for instance, I got pregnant in 17 and was so sick. It was like exactly the

fourth week. So exactly the first day that I was pregnant and I was puking out of my taxi. Oh, whoa. And I was so, I'm so sensitive to hormones and I was so sick and I got the abortion the next day. And but even looking back, I'm like, I had PMDD all those years and I didn't even fucking realize yet. Like, it takes you so long to realize your hormonal cycles and that it took me so long. So I could see how all these cycles you kind of are so unaware of in all the chaos. of being young. Right. I never realized it.

I just thought that was life. Like, looking back, I'm like, wait, what the fuck? I was crazy. A gift. Youth is a gift. Youth is a gift. I truly, as I get older,

I'm 28. I'm not even old. I am like, every damn like youth is wasted on the young. Because God. It really is. I really started saying that.

Like my grandpa. I would roll my eyes when people would say that when I was young. Yeah, me too. I was like, what's that even mean? Yeah. And I'm like, wow,

youth, you are so capable. And there's so much you can do and you just will never fucking realize it. possible to realize it until you have wisdom and you've navigated the world and you realize everyone is so dumb and you could literally do anything you want to do but then you're not 17 anymore and you're not you're not energetic like that and you can't stay up three nights in a row working on some hyperfixation because you're tired and you have to live a routine and your body's falling

apart and don't sit close to a window because you might get exactly straight bullets guys they're real and you know trauma and you know already the stray bullet got me it's so good yeah but jules no kids ever? Still no kids. Jules, really? I hate kids. But you don't. You aren't any. You can't hate kids. I don't hate kids, but I just don't want them. Yeah. Yeah. It's not for me. That's awesome, honestly. Think about not having that biological need to have them even though you know it's going to ruin everything. That is really good. That is really good. Because I also was like, I don't. And still to this day, Logically, I know, like, if I don't have kids, it won't be something on my dying bed that I'm like, God damn it. Like, I know that it, my life is so fulfilling regardless, but I still just as I get older, I have this, like, no, I know. I was always like, I'm going to get pregnant in my mid 30s because that's when my mom did and I'll be more financially stable and I'll be a better parent. And then I hit 27 and I'm like, oh my God, I need to have a kid today.

Wait, really? It's this weird to me. I'm having this weird like I need to have a baby. That's so weird. holding off and I'm forcing myself not to, but it is on my mind all the time. And I never had that before. Like are you in a baby? And it's annoying. I love children. But I have always been like I'm going to be logical about when I have a child. And I know that when I have a child, my career isn't going to be as important to me and I'm not going to be as important to me. And I want to give so much of myself to my child that I want to do it when I'm older. And I realize even now it's like the amount of risks and sacrifices you do make for a kid, you know, like not just for you, but also your relationship. and it's so much risk to take on

and it's so scary and it's like but I have to do it now which is crazy. I was always someone who was like I don't think I want kids. I don't think that I'm suited and then something changed and then I wanted them but didn't want to say it out loud for fear like you Esther. Her fear that it just wasn't in like the cards for me or whatever but when I finally did

get pregnant even then you're like you know can I do this? Can I not? But then I thought about it in a different way. I love adventure. Yeah. I love the possibility of things going wrong, going right with every adventure in my life. I think of parenthood in that way. It's like, this is sort of just this like new thing. I don't necessarily know what's going to happen, but it's going to be pretty wild. And it's just, it's just an adventure. And it doesn't have to be perfect, but, you know, that's the romantic, beautiful way to look at it that I want to keep. So I'm like, you know what, whenever I have a kid, it's going to be great.

The truth. All of life is just an experience and an adventure. There's no way to win it. There's no way to do it right or wrong. It's just an experience. Yeah. And trying to let go and let it take you. And I think I'll be a really good mom if I can keep that in my head. I'm already a good mom. Yeah. No, I know I'll be a good mom. But I mean, I think a lot of people are good moms. And it's just, it's still like probably the most stressful thing ever. My mom's an amazing mom. Has it been the most stressful thing of her entire life? I mean, I'm. 28, my brother's 26 and we are still causing her heart attacks. Yeah. It never ends. Luckily, I think I'm not causing her so much issue anymore, but my little brother definitely is. Because you also don't choose

what, you know, your kids go through. No, and you also don't choose their factory settings. It's like, they just... And they might, your son might have addiction problems and, you know, struggle in and out for the rest of his life. He might have bipolar. Like, there's, I, my mom has so many friends like that whose kids committed

suicide or you know there's so many things and you think about that when you're having a kid you're like I'm in this no matter what happens yeah like I'm in this commitment yeah I'm in this for the experience of having a kid and I've always remembered that it's one of my favorite authors has written about this he's like life is not the avoidance of suffering suffering is what makes life valuable and so he chose to have a child as he was dying of cancer and his wife was like why would you want to do this and have the child like not know you and he's like life is not the avoidance of suffering it's the experiences i get to experience having a child my child will understand what death is because i died and that's all very important in life oh gosh so even if my kid is severely troubled

and i have to deal with the death of my child or whatever might happen like i want to go into pregnancy and motherhood knowing i'm going to be okay with that oh god i'm so scared on a really I'm so scared. And anytime you mention like any type of... It's so beautiful, though, to think about. If you really just let me, let go. It is beautiful. We can't handle that.

I can't handle. Dude, that's a thing. Like, after becoming a mom, like, I see every movie so differently. Like, I was, when I was watching Titanic, like, I had never noticed there's a woman, a frozen woman floating in the water holding her baby. I never saw that. The hundreds of times I watched it. And then post motherhood, that, I see it.

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