Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn - We're Grateful for Jaime García and Ian Fidance

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

BTS, BONUS CONTENT AND MORE! Only on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/c/TrashTuesdayPodcast  Welcome to the Trash Tuesday Friendsgiving Feast, where chosen family reigns supreme; Jaime García, Ian Fidance & Karina Jaramillo, pulling up to the table. We’re leading with gratitude, lovingly shining a light on the blessings we sometimes overlook. But don’t worry… it wouldn’t be Trash Tuesday without completely derailing it all with our Thanksgiving truth-or-dare game: OH PLUCK! Let’s just say things get SPICY. If you’re sick of your family, far from your family, or just need a break from them, come hang out with ours. Happy Thanksgiving, Sluggies! Thank you to out sponsors: Get 50% off your first year at monarch.com with code TRASHTUESDAY Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/9vos470a #CashAppPod.  Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Upgrade your sleep with Miracle Made! Go to https://trymiracle.com/TRASHTUESDAY and use the code TRASHTUESDAY to claim your FREE 3 PIECE TOWEL SET and SAVE over 40% OFF. Jaime Garcia: https://www.instagram.com/thejaimegarcia/ Ian Fidance: https://www.ianfidance.com/  *Listen to Esther's New Solo Pod!* https://www.esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com *Visit Ebb Ocean Club & Holiday Shop* https://www.ebboceanclub.com/ for Khalyla’s reef safe and biodegradable hair products! FOLLOW TRASH ON SOCIALS: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/itstrashtuesday Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@itstrashtuesday  MORE ESTHER: TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@esthermonster Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/esthermonster/  MORE KHALYLA:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/khalamityk/ Tigerbelly Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@UCIyIoM_Nd8HtY19fuR_ov2A   PRODUCTION:Studio Ten42: https://www.instagram.com/studioten42/ Guy Robinson: https://www.instagram.com/grobfps/ Arielle Jade (Editor): https://www.instagram.com/jade.rabbit.cce/ Elisa Hernandez Kohler: https://www.instagram.com/ellie.lianna/ Megan Clements:  https://www.instagram.com/egggymeg/ 

Oh, fucko. This is spicy? Yeah. It's bad. Yeah. I don't eat spicy, so. There's ice cream there if you need. Eat ice cream if you need.

Oh, poor hi man. Can you take me back now? You guys, Eb Ocean Club. Not only have we restocked, but it's Black Friday at Eb Ocean Club. Our biggest sale of the year, everything is 30% off. From our superstar detangler that I don't leave the house without. the deep treatment mask that has literally saved my postpartum hair, and of course our shampoo and conditioner duo that I panic when I run out of.

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And if you're impatient like me, you get early access to episodes before anyone else hears them. So you basically become a bona fide sluggy insider. So if you want to support the show and get the kind of content, we can't post anywhere else. come join us at patreon.com slash trash Tuesday. It really is the good stuff. I need your advice. What? So, you know, I don't have a lot of clothing

because of like the Altadina Fires, right? Yes, sorry to laugh. But I do, I do have a really favorite sweater that I was able to salvage. Really? And I left it at the Tiger Belly studio one day. And without me knowing, Jaime had a whole fashion show with it

and then fell in love with it. Is this it? Yeah. And it's cool, right? And everyone's like, he looks so, it looks so good on him but then I'm like, I don't think I can part ways, even though I do really want him to have it because I think it does look good on him. Well, remember you took the Ozzy Osbourne shirt. I remember that. So that's why I took into consideration.

That would be the only thing I would say, like, maybe this is a fair trade. But then what about a sisterhood of the traveling pants situation where it's like every two weeks it's his and every two weeks it's mine? Rather than that, what I feel like I would always be wanting to do, but my sister, like, no one would do with me is like just I'll give stuff to my mom and I'll just be like, you can have this, but like when I think I want it, then I have to have it back.

Okay. So I would just be like, you can have it. But like if in a couple months, I'm like, actually, I'm in the mood for it, you take it back. Okay, how about this? This winter season, it's yours. In the spring, I may take it back. okay okay deal what of like a girl that i hook up with falls in love with it and she takes it no

no hymen i swear for god i swear it's happened before and i'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen if that happens again no okay i will find her and i will send a sweet little dm like hey girl sorry hymen was such a so-and-so but give me back my sweater it happened before she took This girl took my Zumi's sweatshirt one time. And when we hooked up, the next morning she was gone. And then you, were you like, sad about it? Or were you like, oh, it's just a Zumi sweater? I was laughing about it because it was my, the guy that we traveled with.

He's a 4x. And she took his. Oh, she took the wrong one. She took the wrong one. And when he woke up, he's a big guy. And he got mad. Wait, wasn't even your sweater then? He made me buy him a sweatshirt.

Well, fair enough, because your girl stole his. I won't let a girl take this. I got compliments yesterday at Lucky Boy. Oh, is that the one that Bobby is, like, talking about? It's not Bobby. I introduced Bobby to all the good places. That's what I thought. I didn't know any good places.

You know what's weird is I don't know if I should trust Bobby's taste in food because he seems like the kind of guy that would just like eat anything. No, I think he's the kind of guy that likes, like, ambiance more than the food itself. And those are the people I don't trust. I hate those people. Is the food good? Is the food not good? I don't care what your experience was over there.

You're parking, what the tables look like, your service. Is the food good or is the food not good? Unless it's the rainforest cafe. That ambiance is always worth it. It's always worth it. Do they still exist? There's one in Chicago. I know that.

I know there was one in Vegas, but did they... They might have done away with it. I can't imagine there's still being one in Vegas. Because if it existed, I would be... That is so triggering. I haven't had this water again. No, no. It's okay. It's just, I just, when I hear that so loud and clearly, it reminds you being in the movie theaters and, like, it being silent and my dad doing that noise and it's like, oh my God, everyone knows we brought that from home.

That's not bad. No, it is. It's embarrassing. Is that just full, full sprites, full sugars? Yeah. I love it. Full sugars. Full sugars.

Right. Those are so delicious. There's something about referring to sugar as plural. Full sugars. You need your sugars. Yeah. Sugar cubes. It's not that embarrassing. You think?

I bring hot chitos. What embarrassing is bringing like wings and pizza. I think that all of it is not embarrassing. No. I like that. Gene Hong and I brought like frozen yogurt, like a whole tub of it and just tucked it under. I didn't tell you? Oh, okay.

Yeah, but that's different than like we brought our sprite from home. That is true. It's like, oh, we're poor. Readily available. Yeah. Are you still looking for love? No, I gave up on that. You gave up on love?

Yeah, he had an update on Tiger Belly. Remember the last time he was here? He sent the girl soup. Oh, yeah, her. She got mad about that episode. She watched it. Why? Because after that episode aired.

Two days later, she just cut me off. Wait, but you just said you sent her soup while you were in Hawaii. Did we say anything bad? No, it's just like, she's like, hey, I didn't want to seem like I was leading you on or anything. We're just friends. And then she cut me off. Oh. Oh, dang.

Yeah, so. Sorry. Bye. Wait, I didn't realize today was Friendsgiving. I thought it was, I didn't read the whole thing. I just thought wear your Sunday's best, so I wore my church shoes. This is not what I would wear to Thanksgiving. What would you wear to Thanksgiving?

But like, sweatpants to be fat in. Yeah, of course. I would never look cute for, do you would dress up for Thanksgiving? No, no. I, unless there's one Thanksgiving where I dressed up like Lady Gaga and I put on a wig and then my dad, like, screamed at me and it was a really big fight but um no i don't i don't go for i'm not formal yeah and me neither wait i'm curious though that you have church shoes i call them church shoes because they're loafers obviously but do you go to church i used to go to church creepy here my

recent thoughts around church is that i've just been so like in my 20s and 30s mostly like anti-God because I was raised Catholic and it was like shoved down my throat so much and like everyone that was Catholic in my family was like the biggest piece of shit human beings. So I was like, okay, like clearly this isn't a thing. So I'm very anti-organized religion. But then I've been having feelings of nostalgia and like tenderness towards the idea of going to mass. Like it's just going inside the church and kneeling on the pews and laughing with my sister about like people watching and then giving our money to the people that walk around. And I don't know what it is.

And I think maybe it's that early indoctrination. But it comes back around and it gives you warm feelings in the head. Of course. This is not surprising at all. This is how they get you. I think they're getting you back. And also it's like you've become a mother. I know.

I think that's what's changed. Yeah. It's like I'm remembering the good parts about it and the community around it. And the singing. And the singing. The songs were incredible. I know. Somehow we all sound so good.

It's jogging good feelings in my head and I'm like terrified that I might like go back to Catholicism. Someone help me. I'm open to that. Even though I judge it and I don't really have respect for it, like I'm sort of into the fun of it. I went to church school, a Catholic church school. You were raised Catholic? Did you go to Mass like every Sunday? Did you, were you baptized?

Yeah. And were did you take like? You did communion and all of that. Communion and confession and all that. Are you circumcised? Like, they cut my penis off? Yeah. Yeah.

What age? You cut it off? I think I was a baby. Baby, because in the Philippines, they wait until you're like six or seven, and it's like a coming of age kind of ritual over there. I mean, not anymore, but in some neighborhoods, they do this thing called Operation Thule, and they go all around the neighborhoods and they circumcise them. Talking about circumcision, right on time. Oh, my ears were burning. Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, nice to see you. Hi, hi, hi, hi. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah, you're you. Happy Thanksgiving. Oh, my God. Scratchers. Well, you're actually the fun Thanksgiving friend.

Suppose I get the $250,000, how much of it is actually yours? Yeah, because I don't want to scratch unless I knew this. I would say that it would be 10%. Okay. Wow. That's more than fair. No, 25%. Yeah.

Okay. I bought it. Give it to me. Are we scratching them now? Am I interrupting? No. What are you talking about? Are you going to circumcise your baby?

I don't know. I'm having a snack break because I just got really hot. Oh. Well, welcome to our Thanksgiving episode where we were told to wear a Sunday's best. And oh, my God, he came through. Look at that shirt. Yes. Thank you.

I know. My nipples are itching. Scratch, scratch. I'm not doing well. Okay, let's really make a decision here. Thanksgiving to never forget. The 9-11 of Thanksgiving's. How does it work?

What? Esther? You don't know how to... Are you being serious? What? I don't buy cigarettes, so I don't know how to play the lottery. What? Just because you don't buy cigarettes, doesn't mean you can't.

That's when you go and get it, right? It's 7-11? What happens is you were. born poor and you think you have a chance to move classes so you go every day you play certain numbers it don't make sense and then you spend your paycheck on a scratcher and then you win maybe two dollars once and it's just enough to think you should keep playing okay that's how you play like roulette right yeah so we scratch everything you scratch off the winning numbers okay and then you scratch off your numbers and whatever numbers match you get that prize so we scratch off all of it

Match any of your numbers to any of the five winning numbers win that prize. Uncover a two times or five times symbol to automatically multiply and win corresponding prize. I love how you think that that helped. Uncover a bell. Well, the directions are right there. Is there anything? Okay. That's all I wanted to, because it's like.

Scratch everything off. Yeah, but it's more fun if you do it one at a time. Oh, yeah. I will do one at a time. But I just didn't want it to be some trick where they're like you don't get your $250,000 because you scratch. That's so cute. You think any of us are going to win? Does anyone have a key? Well, at least one of us is going to win? No. Dude, and I'm so dumb, I'll buy the $25 scratches.

You'd be like, well, I'm spending more, so my odds of winning a winner. I got one for my mom's last birthday, and she went two grand. Really? Wow. Oh, my God, that's a big tuna. No, you know what it is? It's because my dad is a gambling addict, so I was never allowed. Oh, really?

And we would go to carnivals. No, I'm fine. I'm sorry. We'd go to carnivals, and he'd be like. like you can't play these games they're there they're like he just was like he wouldn't let you play the water gun game because he was a gambler yeah and then if we got a good parking space he'd and someone said like oh we're so lucky he'd be like there's no such thing as luck that's very Eastern European there is a

not such thing as luck I've already won five dollars really whoa yeah I get 10 percent okay do I win no do I win Was this a holiday inspiration that you got these? This is a good idea. Dude, see, this is what it does. My number's 13 and then I hit 31. The number is 26. I hit 25.

Ian has a problem. Half a dopamine rush. Numbers 19. I hit 18. I mean, it knows what it's doing. This is hard. Don't scratch off? Yeah, where do you push a baby out of your body?

Oh my God. You're for a whirlwind. I'm paying, Esther. Oh, God. See, my number's 13. I hit 14. They do it to you on purpose. Heim and nothing.

45 and 45, but it's just a ticket. Yeah, free ticket. Can I keep it? Yeah, keep it. You want to go back with me to the 7-Eleven on La Cienica? Come on, we can get you another ticket. Guys, I didn't win. I won.

Yeah, welcome to the club. Wow. I won $10. Really? Mm-hmm. I'm really lucky with Scratchers. I was going to say I'm really good at Scratchers. Damn it.

$10 so far. I'm scared the dog. Whoa, what's this thing? This is donut. Wait, it's actually really good for everyone that Colila is winning because she doesn't do well if she doesn't win. I don't win. God. See, I knew to give it to you.

Thank you. You're welcome. Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah, I think it's 10. I'm just making sure there isn't like a multiplier. We should go back and get more. That would be awesome. Wouldn't it?

Yeah. Now I got the it There's a game to it That's why Oh my god I've never seen Kalila Look like this before It's freaking me out

I just want to make sure That I'm not like missing out On something like bigger here You make a check your work Yeah Thank you Thanks Teach Whoa okay you want five bucks

Five bucks It makes ten bucks Wow 17 you want You won 15 bucks Why Wow Why did I win 15 not 10

Are you upset No no no I just want to make sure Because one of your winning numbers was 17, and then you hit 17, and you won $5. Yes. Winning number was four. You won five. Winning number was 26.

You won five. What's five plus five plus five plus five? I didn't get to see the 26th. See, thank you, Teach. You're welcome. We're here for Thanksgiving, guys. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving. What are we grateful for? A lot. That bad, huh? No, no, no. A lot, a lot. But I can't go first. So one of you guys go first.

What the fuck? I'm the most miserable one here. But you have the most to live for. Let's do what should each person be thankful for? Okay. Okay. This I can do. Okay. Esther first.

We each go around and say what she should be thankful for. Okay. She is alive. She's beautiful. She's pregnant. She's loved She's a great mother to a human and a dog And she's everyone's favorite tiny friend

To put in their pocket And they wish they could keep her forever Thank you I will be grateful for those things And go ahead About Esther? Yeah, about Esther What did you say?

No, I don't know You should be grateful Thank you Uncle Jaime No you should be You're grateful for living you know getting the chance to have a platform to speak yeah two little babies yeah great writers hopefully take the husband a loving husband I hope yeah I've never heard gratitude sounds so sad that's crazy just good food that you have in your and you're in your

in your table or whatever you eat. Yeah. Yeah. That's a gross great, Jaime. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You eat every day, right?

No, I'm just saying you eat. Honestly, it's slam poetry. Sounds really good. I think you should be grateful for the obnoxiously good hair that you have even when you don't wash it for three months straight. Thank you.

I was shamed for it this morning that I washed it in the bathtub. I think you should be great. Where else you're supposed to wash? I know. Be grateful for your tiny little feet. Be grateful the fact that you can wear kid sizes and not have to spend adult, you know. You were a genetic freak and you should be grateful for it.

Thank you so much. And I think that you should. You should be grateful for, I think they covered all of it. There's one more thing. Wait, hold on. Hang on, there has to be one more thing. Oh, wait, you should be grateful that even at nearing 40, you look like a 12-year-old. Oh, thank you.

that is like you have maximum like I don't you know what I don't recommend being getting 40 and being white why what do you mean you're like the only white person who's like have some pride no in your skin I'm so jealous of you like and Jenna you're looking like aged bitch there's a thing called the Polish drop off have you ever heard of that no it's for like Eastern Europe oh never it sounds offensive it's like at a certain age you go from like oh I'm I'm 35 to the next day you just wake up and all of a sudden you look like you're like 70. That's me.

They say that about Asians too though. Really? Yeah, because they say like, you know, Asian don't raise in. Yeah. And then like for us somewhere, I think it's like 60 or something like that, we just like turned into just, you know, gray-haired like overnight. I think as I, because I'm 37 and I think like in these later years, it's just you just got to stick with good lighting.

You're so dumb. That's what you've learned in 36 years That is so dumb Like you literally look like like a teen mom But a teenager with wrinkles You don't show me a wrinkle I can't Ian Because you don't have them

Okay thank you I will be grateful You're someone's illegal legal trophy I'm so happy these are the things that people My friend My lifelong best pal Corey is obsessed with you And constantly is like hitting me up about how much she loves you and how much she's a fan.

And every time you were in Philly and she was like, is there any way I could just meet Esther and tell her what she means to me and how great she is. I was like, well, I don't want to bother. But now that I'm seeing your demeanor, I should have.

Yeah, now that you see how low I am. I know what you need it. I should have. Okay, I will be grateful for those things. All right, let's do Kalila next. Oh, God, can we do Hyman next? Me? Yeah, when everyone's stay out of ideas.

Well, wait, wait, once you go around and say, everything that that person should be grateful for or what we're grateful for in them, that person should then say what they're grateful for. Okay, fine. We've lubed you up. Now, go balls deep. I'm grateful that I have a baby. Mm-hmm.

I'm grateful for my family. Wonderful. Grateful for this career. Grateful for the amazing people in my life, all of you guys. Fantastic. Okay, let's do Ian next. No, no, no. Why does no one want?

Okay, fine, do Ian. Okay, I think Ian Is it the same? Oh, go ahead. Ian should be grateful that he is a very successful stand-up comedian and he's always touring. It seems like he's living his dream. He's naturally very funny

and people really like him just like organically without him trying. I feel like you have a fun life. That's very nice to you to say. Do you? Do you feel like you have a fun life? Because sometimes people have a fun life and they don't feel it or know it. I really do. I needed this.

a gun in my mouth this morning. I was at the edge of my bed with a gun in my mouth and I really appreciate this. Thank you. You guys made me want to put a gun in my mouth with your compliments. You guys made me so depressed.

No guns, no my Thanksgiving. Gratitude. But do you know that you have a fun life or do you know, is it, that's like hard, it's a hard thing to... I have to remind myself because I have a brain that tells me I suck and everything's bad. Of course. I'm like terrible. And then like I got to do these things to like self-talk myself to go, no, actually things are like, have you ever read The Giver?

Yeah, a long time ago. I don't remember too much, but I remember. It's about this boy that lives in, in this world and everything's black and white, but there's a giver, an old man who gives knowledge to one person and then they become the giver and pass it on. And there's this moment where the giver throws the boy an apple. And when the apple's in the air, he sees the apple to be red for the first time ever and when it lands he goes back to black and white but he holds on to the fact that he saw color and so he strives to see more color until eventually he learns enough from the giver to then see color throughout the world and so sometimes i see color and i feel really good but then it goes back to gray and i want to see more color and and i find i see the color when i am

living in gratitude and a lot of times it's hard but hearing that is is very nice so i need to accept the color and accept it. I have a very colorful, wonderful life. It's hard. It convinces me. It's awful. I relate to the story you just set up like really needing to see the color more often. And it must just be though like human condition. You're not going to see the color all the time. Like you can't, right? Yeah. Like who could? This is where I feel like the strongest argument for having children that I have because before when you would ask me, why do you want to have kids, I wouldn't, I couldn't really give you a clear, like, answer. But when you're around a child or a baby, you're forced to see everything for the very first time through their eyes and to

leave your adult colorless mind. And that to me has been, like, the most, like, like, the revelation of parenthood for me is to, like, now I stop. And I, the way he looks at a basic piece of lint with excitement and he's like mama and it's just lint and i'm like oh my god or when he gives me his little rock from the creek we went to we go to the creek sometimes and he has just this little river rock and he looks at it like it's like the greatest thing on earth i i think that's really cool i already look at everything like i'm a baby so i don't have that yeah i try to bring child like wonderment into everything and you have to respond by the way with kids like oh my god a one-of-a-kind river rock.

Like, that's how I talk to him. Does that ever get tiring? No, it's really fun because you see his expression. He's like, oh. That's so nice. Yeah, it's so cute. I do that with my cats. Yeah, you can do it with your cats, dogs.

I'm like, oh, a paper clip. Look how smart my guy is. What did you bring me today? Oh, look at you. I love when cats bring in dead animals as gifts. As gifts. I mean, I don't love it, but it's just like, why on earth do they?

They think, like, festooning all of this bird's guts around my home was a gift. Because they're thanking you for giving them shelter. So my guys are indoor cats. They're not outdoor. So they'll bring their toys to me in my bed. So, like, it's really, and they put it in their mouth and they trot around. Like, they'll have, like, this, like, fish toy in their mouth. And then they'll put it up.

And then they'll nose it to me to, like, thank me. It's really nice. It's so cute. The way I am with my cats of, like, thinking. about them, worrying about them, watching them on the ring cam, like, wondering about them. Like, oh, I can't wait to see it. I could not imagine what I would be like as a father.

It would just be the same thing. No, I feel like it would be skyrocketed into a next level because I'm psycho about my cats. I would be like a true blue, like lunatic about my kids. You would be such a fun dad. I really think I would, but I just don't think I have the patience

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Like, you go to your doctor, right? But then he like, uh, refers to your doctor. Do I give off that I have health insurance? Yeah. Do you go to a doctor? Yeah. And what is, okay, give us an example of your last doctor visit. You know, like, you go to a doctor and like you keep going because he's a family doctor.

Yeah. But then he's like, I can't do this anymore. So he refers to somebody else. You mean you grew out of seeing a pediatrician? No, no, no, no, no. This is a doctor that works. Okay, why can't he see you anymore? I've never seen a penis like this before.

You guys got to come in. in here. It's so gnarled. But like, yeah, like that. No. Explain. Like he's a bad doctor. Like, is that? Is he just retiring? You saw the doctor your whole life. Yeah. And then

one day you went in and he said I can't fix this situation. And what was the situation he couldn't fix? Broken rib or like something with the eyes or the ears. What are we talking about, Jaime? You or someone else? Me. What did you break and what did you

show this man? Never mind. You got to tell us now. This is so weird. Did he just refer you to a specialist? Yeah, a specialist. Oh, that's what they do. They're supposed to do that. How good of a doctor is he? Because doctors are only specialized in certain

fields. That's a waste of money. Would you eat lobster at a diner? No. You would go to a seafood restaurant that specializes in seafood. So why are you going to go to a doctor that has options for everything? You go to a specialist for certain things.

But why can't we just have one guy do everything? For most things, yes. For instance, like a general practitioner, they can kind of give you answers, general stuff about, like, not so serious things. But if it's like, hey, like your, you know, jaw is broken, right? Because you broke your jaw.

And then you have to go to an orthopedic surgeon who just does bones. Because the body and everything is so intricate, you can't possess knowledge of every, every aspect of the body. you have to have people that specialize and become masters of the domain of that specific part of the body. This is just like how I didn't know how to use the lottery ticket, so I get it. No, that was way, way dumber.

No, this is actually like a pretty dumb thing too. Did you go to the other doctor? Dude, I'm feeling great. I needed this. This I feel so smart. Back to gratitude. And me. So things I think you should be grateful for, Ian.

I think you should be grateful for the fact that you have. have impeccable style. I think you should be grateful for the fact that there aren't a lot of men who wear jewelry that I like, but you pull it off beautifully. I think you should be grateful for the fact that you are very uniquely you. You're one of a kind. They don't make prototypes like you often. I think you should be grateful for the fact that despite everything in your life,

you have your sobriety, you have your friends, you have this career. and you are, I think, like, probably one of those, the most beloved comics that I know. I don't see that, but thank you. That's very nice. I really like, like, I don't like love, I like you. I think you're really cool and kind and... That's really nice.

Thank you. Yeah, all of the things. Thank you. I like how you said, I don't love you, but I like you. For me, that's like, because love is such like a throwaway, right? Like, even when I say that to my partner, I'm like, I'm not in this with you because I love you and I'm lustful for you, whatever it is. Like, I genuinely, like, I like, I like him.

Yeah. Like, I, even if he, we weren't together, he would be in my life. I like his constitution. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. I like that. I tell my mom, I say, I love you, but I don't like you.

It's like the opposite. Yeah. That was really kind of. You want to talk a lot? Yeah, go ahead. Ian. Oh, yes. What's up, man?

Hey, what's up? You should be grateful, man. Yes. You have a nice hair. Oh. Nice glasses. Thank you. Good delivery.

Look at you. My man. Thank you, bro. Boot cut jeans. They aren't, but thank you. It's not boot cut? They're just tight. Okay.

Nice boots. Thank you. Thank you. This is like asking a kid to tell them about the book they just read and they just talk about the back cover. They just talk about what they saw in the book. You got a nice shirt on. Thank you. I am grateful for the book.

Sure. Thank you. Shout out, Cousin Sherry. My cousin Sherry got me this. Thank you. It's very kind of you. I may. Thank you. Yeah, like be grateful for the career you have. You get to make people laugh for a living. It's very hard. That's it. The man. Thank you, bro. That was really nice. Okay. Your turn, hi, man. Well, I'm supposed to say what I'm. Oh, that's right. Sorry. Oh, so it's not just. Oh, yeah. So it's not just. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're so over? Oh, that's sick. That's awesome. How long? Six months. Hell yeah. That's great. Thank you. You. a meeting after this? I need one. Oh, no. If you don't go, I'm going to drink.

No, no, I'm getting. Delivery. Yeah, I have to say what I'm grateful for or else it sounds like an intervention. I am grateful for the people in my life that love me. I'm grateful for my mom for never giving up on me. I'm grateful for my cats. I'm grateful that I have working limbs. I'm grateful to be alive, even though it takes me a while to feel that way.

I'm grateful for when the sun shines on me just to right enough way that I feel good and blessed. I'm grateful for you guys that you always make me feel like I have a home when I'm in Los Angeles away from my home. So thank you. And I'm grateful for you. Kalila, you're so sweet and wonderful and you've always been so kind to me. And grateful Esther's not here, so I don't have to lie about her. And I'm just grateful And I'm grateful I get to eat food on Thanksgiving

It's my favorite holiday Is it? Yeah It's my least favorite Why? I didn't grow up with it So I don't have any like You didn't grow up at Thanksgiving?

What did you grow up with? Well, we have Christmas from July to December That's crazy Yeah, it's the best Do you get gifts every day? What do you mean you have Christmas for an old solstice? The Christmas tree grows up It goes up at the malls and you

You start to hear Christmas songs in July. To prepare for December? For the big day. Yeah. In December. For the birth of Jesus, baby. Wait. What? It's just a big.

People in America are like they put a Christmas tree up in November. Yeah. This is terrible. So you don't have Halloween. You don't have. We go through all that, but the Christmas tree is still up. But you don't have Thanksgiving. You have Halloween, but you don't have Thanksgiving?

Because it's not part of our history, right? It's American. Yeah, it's American history. The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, massacres and stuff are strictly American. I call them disagreements, but. Mild disagreements. How are we feeling?

A couple fist of cuffs? Better. It felt good to be in the air. Oh, good. And to eat my Parmesan crisps. Jaime knows a doctor that could. It's a one-stop shop. Here we go.

Me? Jaime, yeah. Oh, great. Jaime, I think you should be grateful that you're wearing my favorite sweater. That's a nice sweater. Thank you, man. Mm-hmm. It's a great sweater.

It looks, can I say you two look so comfy and nice and like this time of year, chic? Oh, thank you. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Sherpa. This is Sherpa, right? Mm-hmm. It's flea something.

I like Sherpa. Yeah. A Sherpa is someone that leads you to the top of a mountain. Yeah, the Himalayas. You are not wearing a Sherpa. You're wearing Shurpa clothes. Yeah, Mountain Guide. But Shurpa is also a type of clothing.

Is it? Yeah. There's a type of clothing and a person called Shurpa. Yeah. Is there anything else that is a person and a article of clothing? I'm not sure. Looks like everyone's being stupid today. Wow.

I'm grateful I have company in my stupidity. I think that you should be grateful for being a part of this podcast multiverse that everyone loves you and we all want you to sit in on all our pods. And I think you should be grateful for the fact that you are beloved for all the things you might have grown up insecure about, which is your speech impediment, the way that everything that you've been insecure about is all the reasons why, like, you're so cool and that you're so loved. You have a speech impediment? Yeah. Where? I don't know if you're killing it. Yeah, I would add, like, you, I feel like you kind of just came out of nowhere and, like, are blowing up as, like, a really beloved podcaster.

And I think that's something to be grateful for because that's really. a big achievement. And also for someone with a broken jaw you talk for a living that's kind of cool. You have a broken jaw? Yeah, man.

Like still? Wouldn't it be so funny? I wouldn't have noticed any of this unless you guys like you're a retard but you're doing great. Your jaw is currently broken.

Yeah. So is it a thing like do you need to get it fixed? Oh, you do? I need to fix it. because it's messing up the way I eat and like does it hurt no not right now does it mess do you have do you snore yeah yeah it probably messes up like your airway in general too yeah and I told people in the people in the comments they're like no you're perfect the way you are

but not if you can't breathe well I need this surgery guys you just don't let them change you didn't Kanye break his jaw yeah look how he turned out you're gonna be great a couple years I'll be like him okay now things you're grateful for hi I mean oh he didn't say anything Yes, I think you should be grateful for your warm demeanor, your ability to make people feel welcome and included the second they meet you, which you just did with me. You look very comfortable and it's clear that you're beloved and I like your mustache and you should be grateful for your hairline because one day it's going to go away and you're never going to get it back. You can fix your jaw boy, but you can't fix that out of hair. You can in Turkey. again. But don't. No, yeah.

Yeah, don't. No, they all look like idiots. That is a lot of hair. How old are you? 29. Pretty good. Yeah, Mexicans, we have a lot. Yeah. I wish I was Mexican. My hair line is no boy, no.

I do have a big forehead. Do you? Let me see how big. Put your hair back. No. No, dude. What? Are you talking about? Oh my God, you have a small forehead.

you think so yeah yeah what's a big forehead that's not a big are you doing some sort of like no Jedi insulting to me oh right now are you kidding you know man what are you talking about well they're doing all their ad reads off my forehead they're just gonna I'm the teleprompter for the show

you piece of shit I take everything back no no no no I thought it's your headline yeah I got mine to kick back why did you receive though do you ever think about that What? Like, why does it receive? Like, Received?

Why does it go away? Yeah. Did you ever think about that? Did you ever think about that? Yeah. Because it's, it's, it doesn't like where he lives.

He's tired of it. He's trying to move out slowly so I don't notice. Okay. When I'm grateful. Oh, yeah, what you're grateful for. I am grateful for the job I have now.

Mm. I get to be on the road 24-7. What? 24-7? Yeah. I haven't been home in two weeks. And that's good? I don't have anything back home. I have my family, but they're okay.

I don't know why when you said 24-7, I was like, that scared me. I got scared. I had a big reaction. But yeah, I love my job. That I can make people laugh and, you know, feel good about themselves. You know, it makes me feel good about myself. I did come out of nowhere. It was thanks to Ralph, you know, Ralph and Bobby, they put me on a... Hey, dude, I'm one of those.

Yeah, YouTube cut. Yeah, you too kind. Bobby, Kalida, Ralph, Gilbert, George. It's like no guy wants to be like, thanks to the Filipino woman. It's like, they want to be like, thanks to the famous comedian. Yeah, true. Why not? Thank you to Tiger Belly.

Yeah, yeah. that they gave me this opportunity to get out my insecurity show. There's more than two chicken nuggets, you know what I mean? Yeah. What do you mean? What? We've been pushing him to eat more. But chicken wings.

When we first met Jaime, he was limited to, like, chicken tenders, and that's all he would eat. He had never had, like, wing stop or, go for a wild wings. And he had never had sushi. He didn't even want to try, but now he's, like, you know, a man of the world. He tries it all. Talapia. Oh, tilapias. Salmon.

Got to have salmon. Why did you never eat in anything but chicken tenders? And French fries. And French fries. And hot pockets. And hot pockets. What flavor hot pocket? Pepperoni, garlic.

Right? What about, oh, you don't, you wouldn't fuck with Taco Bell. I love Taco Bell. What do you get? Tees a great crunch. Look, while we're talking about Taco Bell, just really quick, I wanted to say something. I recently saw on TikTok a hack for the nachos Bell Grande, where this is a This seems psychotic, but you know, the nachos of well grande.

It's like you get like a tray of nachos. It's like cheese. Sorry, I'm the most pregnant woman in the world right now. Cheese, beans, meat, tomato, sour cream. But these girls online, they get the chips on the side. So they get a bowl of the mushy's and then a bowl of the chips and then they dip it themselves. I'm just saying that I'm going to do that right now. Bye.

I'm proud of you. I'm going to be quiet again. No, no. That was great. I didn't know you could do that. I'm grateful for that. Thank you. I'm sorry to interrupt your monologue about your life.

No. I'm going to leave soon. Your monologue about your life. I'm grateful for everybody and all my loved ones and family and friends and ex-lovers. Ooh, shout out ex-lovers. Shout out ex-lovers. Don't forget them, you know? You know, we should all be grateful for ex-lovers.

For sure. They shaped us into who we are. Except if they were, like, narcissistic assholes or, like, punching the mouth, you can run hell. Yeah. But the other ones, yeah, thank you. And if you are watching, I'd be grateful for her phone call. I'd be grateful for you going to come back into my life. My ex-lover, she's like a four-hour drive for me, so.

Yeah. Are you guys still friends? No. I caught her one time when I was in Mexico. This is the girl that you were doing long distance with? Yeah. I thought she was in Sacramento Yeah, it's like four hours now

Do you have a car? Yeah? I was going to say I have one to you need a ride No, I was going to say you want to go to Sacramento To a punchline Open a prayer Are you driving to Sacramento? No, I was going to take him to his ex-girlfriend's house That was a joke

Oh It's like you just happened to be going I don't know She's moving When is she moving to? Don't worry, we'll find her brother She DMed her Wait, are you friends with his ex?

She'll DM me Why? Why? Weird, not okay, creepy, boundary. Wait, can you get on the mic real quick? Yeah, come here, sit on my left. Hymet, please introduce your best friend. This is my best friend, Karina.

Hi. Hi, Karina. Wait, so you guys are best friends, but you're still in contact with his ex. Yes, sometimes. Sometimes, because you guys, like, struck a friendship at some point, right? which makes sense because you guys are roommates and besties. How do you feel about that? I don't care.

I do miss her sometimes, but... But do you feel as though that a relationship's dead? Yeah. Then let it die, Hyman. Why are you calling her from Mexico for? Then why is she checking up on me? Yeah, why she's checking up on it? She's using you to get to him.

Because if she was really your friend, she wouldn't mention him at all. But she already knows that Hyman wants her back, so she could just get to him directly. She wouldn't have to... She's hovering. But she also, like, she does like want to be my friend

because she'll ask me like when am I coming to LA? I get that listen I've been in relationships where I almost like borderline regretted because they were such shitty people but I did but the friends you made through that yeah yeah yeah well maybe you need to put a boundary

up and say hey I'd love to hang out and see you but Jaime is my friend yeah I also feel bad it kind of makes you uncomfortable when you bring him up if you want to know about him you can talk to him I'm sure he'd love to talk to to you, but I just, if you want to be my friend, be my friend. One of my best friends right now, she dated a complete crackhead tweaker dude and was like, just overall really shitty to her.

But what she gained from him is she's now friends with, like really good friends with his baby mama, his whole family, the sister. And they continue to be friends. And initially I was like, ew, you got to get out of that. Like that doesn't make sense. but I really do believe that they, like, love her, love her in a way that is, like, genuine and, like, completely separate off of the guy that she dated. And I'm like, okay, Lynn, why not, right? Sometimes you meet people through, you know, interesting ways.

And, you know, you can't deny that maybe they struck a real friendship. Sorry, Jaime. How long did you date her for? I have six months, I think. No, not even six months. I was a little under six months, yeah. Yeah, just tell her that you want to meet her up for lunch here and then I have a location so I can just. So you're not over her.

Me and Hyman, I walk in and go, what are you doing here? Double date. Wait, Hyman, I thought, so you really aren't over her. No, he's not. Ian, back me up. On your iPhone, right? You have an iPhone, right? So you get those pictures that pop up memories.

Oh, my God. It's like the iPhone knows. It's like, guess what, you were almost over it. But remember this? When you were happier? Look at the sun setting in her eyes. When you had hope and the future. We had like good deeds, you know, like good sex

After we do pitil talk And she's, I want your babies Why'd she leave? I don't know I don't know Was it his fuck? Without elaborating, did he fuck up? Yes Hi, man! What did he do? But he didn't do anything

He's just that he wasn't ready for what she was ready for What was she ready for? Well, like probably just more grown-up, mature things Like as a girl, like we want And, you know, sometimes we want things in order, like, get your shit together so we can go on this ride together. Because it's like, no matter how much I love you, if we're not on the same page, like, we can't continue. Because what if, like, I'm 33, 34 and I want to have a baby? And if you're not catching up to that, then you still want to be a road comic and all of these things.

And that's a priority, then I love you, but we can't go there. We can't get on this ride together. But then do you really love them or do you love the idea of them? Because what you really love is this idea of the future that you want. I think it's unfortunate to really fall in love with someone who just isn't aligned with your life. And I truly think that can happen. Yeah, that sucks. It really can happen.

And what did she want that you couldn't provide for her? She wanted like the family. Immediately right now? She wanted to start thinking about the family. And you don't want that? I went on the road. I don't know what I'm talking about. Or they, theater dates.

That's why you guys broke up. Theater baby, theater shows. Chicago theater. Road host, chockelfokers. Trust me, it's miserable. Don't go down the past I went down. I am not happy. Thank you, Karina.

Honestly, go back to her. Do not do what I do when don't you leave. Call her and change your life. You will be infinitely happier. I'm living at hell. So I feel like a bombshell has been dropped that you like are still reminiscing about your ex and like. Why don't you bring her on the road with you? It sounds like they have some kind of a connection.

But I also think that, you know, any exes, if you have, neither of you have moved on yet, you're going to linger on each other. But she said she wants your babies. No, that was like, or was that just, was that like common me talk? or was that like afterwards? Afterwards. Both. Oh. Thanks, Ian.

So she was like really like serious about this. I think she met somebody. She has a pin pal. In prison? Like girl, what are you doing? A Menendez brother? One of them. When she talks to a guy in prison?

Yeah. So she wants a guy in prison. But he's like on trial. But he's unavailable and you're unavailable. But you know, at least you know where they are. And you can, you know, conjugals. You don't think this prison guy's talking to someone else?

He could be. He's only got one pen pal. Dude, I knew this girl who went to, in nursing school, who was so obsessed with her boy fee in prison, like nothing could sidetrack her. Like, not any other options outside of prison could sidetrack her. She was obsessed with him. And I'm trying, I, I loki think that the allure of him being an inmate is like what got her off. Yeah. Right?

That's like a thing for sure. Yeah. Of course. It's like bad boy. Yeah. And you know where they are. and they can't go anywhere and you have full control

oh you're right the control it's like you ain't going to where yeah oh shit god I wish I was in prison you'd get so many girls I know I'd get so much pussy if I was in prison she's wondering the topic it's so funny way

it's because that's one of the things that Ace knows how to do is a fist bump it's just funny seeing you guys do it just two children fist bumping she's wearing that topic I think I was lacking as a kind of like a boyfriend because what she wanted for me is like kids send her like cash I have like $20 or $30 for coffee or food send her food She wanted you to be a provider yeah she wanted gifts and the food It's her love language no no I never did that as a boyfriend with her but then we're on the phone a couple months later

She said that the guy from prison he's able to send her stuff this chick sucks she's taking money from a guy with nothing twice. But like, you know the origami? Huh? The origami? Origami? Yeah. Oh, he makes her paper cranes.

Yeah. That's sweet. And then he sends it to her his homeboys, and then the homeboys sent it to her. Okay, see? So now that, which makes me think that she's not really after the cash app. She just wants, like, tokens. She wants to be reminded that you're, like, thinking about her via paper crane or via cash app.

It doesn't matter, apparently. There's a difference. $20 for cost. Coffee, coffee's not $20. I don't know. He's fleecing you. I don't think so. I think it is there.

Okay, let's see. Okay. Call her up and say, hey, what would you like? $20 or me to make a fucking paper crane for you? You choose and see what you choose is. I'll choose a paper crane. Yeah? Yeah.

Give me a piece of paper right now. How did you guys meet? Wait, here. Come here. Come here. Carina. Take my mic. Where are you going to go?

Here, Kalila. You sit on my lap. Can I just feel some sort of contact? You do look like a scarecrow when you do that. How did you guys meet? We met four years ago during photography. During photography, that is that it doesn't make any sense. No, no, no, no.

I did photography. Like a class? No, no, I was doing photography. He's a photographer. I do, like, modeling. And so he DMed to me and was like, hey, like, do you want to shoot? And so I was like, yeah, sure. I have questions already.

Yeah, get on me. Initially, were you trying to, like, hit on her? Hmm? Were you trying to hit on her first before you were like, hey, can I photograph you? Huh? Remember that bit? Mm-hmm. That's why.

Yes or no? No, I don't think so. Brother. Brother. He also didn't come off as, like, flirtatious either, because I would have definitely been, like... Yeah, you don't seem like you'd be that way at all. I know we're all over the place today, but when you stand over there... You want me to fluff his head?

No, it's like you're so tall and, like, model. Five-eight. I'm tall. Can I fluff your hair in the back and fix it? I'm intimidated. I like it. When you're seated, you're more just like kind of a nothing. But when you're standing there, you're so pretty.

Yay. Thank you. You're sitting. You're just like a lumpy gremlin. When you stand, you really become an angel. I'm probably about to pass out, huh? Something's coming. Something bad's going on.

You're pretty again. Somebody come help her. And so you're a model. Yeah. And you guys live together. Why are you looking crazy? What do you think a model is? I don't know.

Not professional yet. Yeah, not professional. Okay, that's okay. She loves taking pictures. Why are you negging her? Fashion Nova ambassador. That's great. I'm not that.

Do you guys pick on each other? Oh, yeah. We're like, yeah. I was like my brother. Are you seeing someone? No. She's dangerous. What do you mean she's dangerous?

I told her every day. Hey, her the looks is dangerous. Why? What's so dangerous about it? She's pretty. Yes, of course. It's dangerous. Why? I mean, we all pretty here, guys.

It's okay. I'm an egg with legs. It's okay. I'm a thumb. What's so dangerous about her? You want to protect her and make sure no one hurts her. Or you feel like maybe she hurts guys? She attracts a lot of attention just by sitting there.

You know what I mean? Or am I stupid? No, I know what you mean. But I don't know what the point is. I know what you mean well when she said are you dating anyone you said no and you went she's dangerous what does that mean a lot of guys trying to get at her what is your ethnicity I'm Mexican 100% yes wow are you like so jealous right now yeah because you'll age well too unlike me she's 47 she's braided my hair but you look really young too thank you I believe it coming from

you because you're so beautiful that's so funny Kalila was like you are so young looking Shut up, you slouched, bitch. If she's standing while she says it, I'll listen. She's so good now. All right, you guys, we have a game here for you. Let's do this. Called pluck me. Well, we should also preface this by saying Esther was not feeling well, so we have excused her to go see a doctor.

A specialist. So we'll go around. There's three rounds. So there's 12 feathers. You can pick one at random. It's got a number. it and I'll let you guys know what challenge that is okay I have 14 number 14 is a dare and it is to show everybody your screen time report okay how do I do that go

settings okay go to settings stretch up scream time screen time that sounded weird you're like search up screen time okay my daily my daily average is five hours and 38 minutes okay whoa That sounds horrible. That's not a lot. I mean, I do work from home. Recently, I think mine's been like eight hours. Oh, my God.

I've got a problem. Wait, what do they say is like the threshold of like good or bad? What's bad? What's good? 24 hours. Well, how many hours are you awake a day? That's what I always think about. I'm up at around seven and I go down at about 10.30.

I'm not good at math. Is that like? It's 15 hours, basically. All right. So, yeah, like a third. your third. That's not bad at all. Oh, I don't like that. Okay. Oh, 10. Okay, we have a truth for you. And this one should be interesting. Who's your favorite guest from your show in the past year? On my podcast? Mm-hmm. Huh. I'm trying to think. Oh, dude, we had Guar on the podcast. We had Michael Bishop, who's Blothar,

the lead singer in Guar. Do you guys know Guar? Do you guys don't know Guar? Do you know Guar? That's pretty cool. You don't know Guar? You don't know Guar? I don't know them, but I've heard. metal pioneers. Look at them. They wear those outfits. They're like aliens from another planet that were sent to Earth to destroy humanity. I'm seeing them live on Friday. And at every show, they bring someone on stage and they eat them with this like monster

they've made and they kill them and they're spray blood everywhere. And I'm the guy they're going to kill. So we got it cleared with them. They're bringing me on stage. It's at the Palladium in New York. And they're going to kill me. And I'm so excited. And I grew up listening to them.

And so having them on the podcast was like a very. cool, surreal moment. Also, Craig Ferguson came on the pod and he was my favorite late-night host besides Conan. And then I'd always wanted to do stand-up on his show. And he went off the air in I think 2014.

And then him and his management hit us up to do our podcast. And I was like, this is pretty crazy that one of my favorite late-night show hosts is now coming to my show. To do my show. It was like a very surreal, like, cool moment.

that kind of put things in perspective. So that was like really neat. And he's sober and he's so interesting and quick and smart and funny. It was like a very nice, wonderful moment for me. So I would say either blowthar, the alien sent to destroy us or Craig Ferguson. All right. Hi, Matt. Number one.

You're going to have to act out a movie scene. And we have a little bit of dialogue here for you. Oh, my God. Can I tell you? I did Byron Allen's comics Unleash yesterday. Do you know that show? Do you guys know comics on release? Yeah.

So he like sets you up with the premise to like the joke you're supposed to do as if it's like organic. And I swear to God, he set this guy up and the guy. These are for Jaime. Oh my God. This is amazing. You see? You want that one. You ready, Jaime?

And hold on. Wait. What do I do? You have to act it out. This is like an audition. So you got to give it your all. Okay. and action.

I don't know how to read. Uh-oh. I'm not kidding. And... This is lingerie. Laundraire. Whatever words you don't know, put... Yeah, just point it to him and Ian will finish the sentence for you.

And action. So I put out an ad looking for a white guy, my age, to come over and fuck me. And that guy looked a lot like me. Then I put on some lingerie and perfume and made myself look like one of the... these girls and I thought I looked pretty hot and this guy came over and he railed the shit out of me and then I got addicted

to that some nights three or four guys will come over and railed the shit out of me some I even had to pay and at the same time I'll hire like an Asian girl that would just sit there and watch the whole thing I'll look in her

eyes while some guy was fucking me and I think am I her And am I fucking me? Where's that from? If you only remember, it's a show that recently came out that like this year. That was from your diary. That's why it's handwritten.

Wait, that is White Lotus, right? Yeah, White Lotus. Sam Rockwell. Yeah, Sam Rockwell. Yeah, incredible. That was such an awesome scene too. Oh, my God. And Walter Guggins is like, yeah.

Is that good? Which I must say was pretty interesting to get that scene sent to me with people. people going, this reminds me you. I love how you read the first sentence and you were like, I know what this is. Great, great job. You got the job, by the way. Fantastic. Okay. Amazing. Your turn, Karina.

Okay. Three. Number three. This is the incrustable challenge. We have an incrustable here. It's to see whoever can eat an uncrustable in 30 seconds. Yeah. All of us? Do you guys want to do a race? I think we should do a race. The uncrustables have egg or dairy because it sounds so good right now. We can fact check that real quick.

So you mean it's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time. Because I really do love Uncrustibles. They're great. Oh, I'm so hungry. I didn't eat today. That's great. No, keep it. Come on.

We'll put 30 seconds on the clock. Whoever wants to participate, feel free. Piss up to her. You have to fully swallow the entire Uncrustible. Wait, hold on. We have to eat this in 30 seconds. Yes. Whoever gets the fastest score, we'll start you guys.

You have to open your mouth to show that you've, you know, cheating, right? Can't hide it under the tongue. or anything. Here we go. We get 30 seconds on the clock. Is everybody ready? Yeah. Three, two, one, go. Everyone's making good pace. Ian's going at it. I think I might pull it off here. Oh, Ian's catching up. Yeah, no water. No water. No water. No.

Mm-mm. Five seconds left. Can we swallow in time? And time. Anybody? Let's see who got furthest. Over your mouth, bully? Ian.

Mm-mm. Ian's the winner. Oh, and Kalila? Okay, we'll check the tape. I think it was Ian. I swallowed a little too. Yeah. I think he just beat.

I almost shrugged. Really good time, you guys. I lost the scratch-off, but I won the race of who's the fattest. The Uncrust of Sharia. Wow Good job Ian Thank you That felt really nice

Is anyone still eating How man you're still eating over there? Damn I can't eat it a lot Your jaw's broken Oh yeah I was gonna say It sucks

Yeah No it's not you don't have to Is it hurt Eating slow is the way to go The way we did it Because I'm such a fast eater You're probably a fast eater It's not good for you at all

Clyla you're up again Oh my turn Alright I'm still hanging on to the fact that Esther said I look ugly when I'm sat down. Don't listen to her. It's a pregnancy talking. I know what she means, though, is because people think

I am ugly and then they meet me in person and they're like, you're so tall. You're the least ugly person I've ever seen in my entire life. But I think I understand. I have a hard on right now. Thank you. I took a blue chew this morning. He has a hard on for everyone. I have a hard on in my heart for you guys. This one's

15. We have another movie for you. Oh, huh? You have to give it your all. I'll give it my all. If I didn't have Bell's palsy, I feel like I would have beat you in that. cross the balls. This side of my mouth was not working. I could only chew

on the right. Do you see a bell's walti? Yeah. I can't tell at all. Yeah, this side. It's fucking stupid. No,

it just has lingered and it's pissing me the fuck off. But it's okay. I have a baby. I should be grateful. Gratitude. We just all kill ourselves

at the end of the episode. This is so mean. I hated this movie, by the way. Is this a movie thing again? Mm-hmm. I'm going to say this to you. Okay, because I feel like you're the only one who can absorb this darkness.

Wonderful. Thank you. Every day, I wake up, and I hope you're dead. Dead like, if I could guarantee Henry would be okay, I'd hope you'd get an illness, then get hit by a car and die. My God. The Lion King. Lion King, correct. That's so funny.

That's every... I know, it's marriage story. Day when I look in the mirror. I don't know a marriage story. What is that? It's Adam Driver's Scarlett Johansson. Oh, when he is... Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's brutal. I know. I was like, look, I'm sorry I ate the sandwich before you. I'm sorry, Kalila. I mean, did he really say that to her? I'm sorry, but like that kind of like... Have you ever talked to a partner like that? Have you?

No. Where you're like, I hope you die? Never. I've been talked to like that and it's terrible. Oh, hell no. I haven't been talked to like that. That's like too far gone, right? Like, I could never come back from that.

seriously that's what he says to the mother of his child that's not realistic i know marriage story is supposed to be like a realistic take on like divorce there's a lot of scumbags out there yeah that's like imagine that's how they fucking talk to you really i could never talk to someone like this i could never either that is like an intimate person in my life i could say this to a stranger i could say this like right before like a fight i can like a person in my life i could never say this to them can i see it say it say it read it time it how would you You say. Yeah, how would you read it?

An action. Every day I wake up and I hope you're dead. Like, dad, dead. If I could guarantee Henry will be okay, I hope you get an illness and then you get hit by a car and die. I can't take him serious. No, you read it. And then I'll read it.

Okay. Every day I wake up, I hope you're dead. Dead like, if I could guarantee Henry would be okay. I'd hope you'd get an illness. I can even read. And then get hit by a car and die. That was a good take. Oh, daggers.

Oh, my God. Are you all right? I don't wish. Don't put death on me. Say it to Megan. I'll say it straight to camera. All you listeners at home. Who say bad things about me.

What's that? Dedicated to all the trolls to say bad things about me. This is all the trolls out there that say bad things about Kalila and me too because it hurts. But also, if anyone out there thinks Kalila's ugly, You can straight up go fuck yourself. And if you have the audacity to say something online about my sweet baby girl, Kalila, and you want to know how I feel about it,

well, the only thing I could say is that every day I wake up and hope you're dead. Dead! Like, if I could guarantee Henry would be okay, I hope you get an illness and then get hit by a car and die. Wow. Oh, winner, winner. That was good.

That was great. Thank you. Your turn, Ian. Again. Oh, sorry, I blacked out. Hard to be Adam Driver, huh? Yeah. Uh, 16. Unfortunately, this is another, like,

challenge with food or drink, but it's shotgun of liquid death. Put a banana on your pants. Who thought of these? It's a shotgun of liquid death. Okay. Are you capable? Is this, like, shotgunting a soda?

Pretty much. Mike of diabetes. Let me take my nice shirt off because I'm going to spill it. Night shirt. What? Oh,

oh, shots fired. Nice shirt. Oh, you heard night? Oh, you heard night? I thought you have a shirt for night. Oh, okay. I was going to say, well, I can fix your jaw for you. I've been shocked on something in like

years. Yeah. Yeah, me neither. Do you need a key? I think that's... I don't have a key. I guess I could use this. Oh.

Oh, there's a key? Yeah. Dude, hi man, you're a genius. College! Woo! One tequila, two, tequila, three tequila floor. Oh, wow. Wow.

You didn't spill it on. Wow. You really were an alcoholic. Yeah. There's a lot more in there. I'm a favorite. That's enough. That's enough.

That's enough. This is terrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Please don't finish it. It's going to make you sick. You just had an uncrustable. Yeah, you're right.

Thank you, Mom. You're welcome. You're going to be such a good mom. Thank you. Such a good mom. I got to protect my babies. Don't finish that. You know, I'm all sticky?

Please don't touch me. I hate sticky sticky. Don't fly out of yourself. Can I throw this out? Yeah. Your go, Jaime. Number eight. Number eight.

Critique each person in the room using one word. Negative or? Yeah, one word. It's a critique. It doesn't have to be terrible, but that's rude. You look, for me, you could be crooked, or it could be, like, pale. You know what I mean?

I'm pale. Okay. You can start with Karina. Bix. Bitchy. No, no, um. Anyone wants that? What'd I do?

Nothing. I just was, like, very motherly, like, don't drink the cola. and then you're chasing the uncrustable and the stuff with a whipped cream. Sorry, I know how I've done that? No. Mommy said no. Baby's going to come.

Okay, go ahead, Jaime. He has to critique everyone in the room using one word. Go ahead. One critique. Nagy. Okay, that's it. Let's move on. You can't say that.

Oh, oh, Nagy. Yeah. I don't know, because I don't know them like that. Okay, then go straight to me then. I don't want to be like, needy. That's not true. Yeah, okay. Not loud enough.

Quiet. Say quiet. There are words. Quiet. Quiet. Okay. Taw. Nose.

Holy shit. Holy fuck. Why did you go with everyone's inner spirit? Bearded than me. You're like, no, it's a freak. All of a sudden, you figure out one word. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Your turn. Okay. 11. 11. Can you take a full shot of the whipped cream?

Yeah. Oh, dude. Do you guys have tortillas? We could do that thing. You pull with cream in your mouth, try to make the other person laugh or like hit them with the tortilla and try to not have it. We play that at my baby shower. I want to play that so bad. The tortilla thing? Yeah. That seems so fun. It's so fun. We'll have it ready for you next time. Oh, yeah, we could hit with a banana. Just like a full... Full shot.

Or just a... Oh. Whoa. What a dare. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, do... I have number four. Here, we gave him a day there.

Do it and drive a car. 520. Do it and whip it and whip it and whip my car out. Yeah, yeah, with it good. It's a nice... Call a loved one and tell them you're grateful for them. Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, that's nice.

I'm going to call Bobby. He's not going to pick up. It's one o'clock because he's asleep still. Let's just do my mom. She's going to be like, okay, okay, bye. I'm on the podcast. I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm grateful for you and I love you. Why you're telling me?

It's just to tell you. you and I'm grateful for you. Okay, thank you so much, darling. Okay, ma. I was just saying like, like, am I going to die? No, no, no, no. I see, I kicked off her anxiety. It's okay, Ma, you're fine.

Nothing's wrong. It was just a dare. It was just a dare. Love you. It was a dare. I don't mean it. Okay, love you. Love you, bye.

Okay, bye. She's set off, she's like, what's happening? Pickle. All right, two. Do an impression of someone in the room. Oh. Oh, I can't do one of Esther.

You're going to do one of Esther. Is it hot? She's like in a hospital right now. I have a whiny baby. He's like on her deathbed. All right, hi, my. Number seven. Draw a portrait of someone here in 30 seconds.

We have a whiteboard for you. Oh, okay. What? I'm covering my face. No, let me see your face. Oh, no. come on he said let me see your nose i know right i don't think the whiteboard's big enough how much time do i'm 25 seconds about an uncrustable's length of time so he's drawing collila

the hair forget the nose and the way he's looking up on the striped shirt my church shoes and her church shoes make sure you show the camera i please god i don't i can't even tell you who that is who is that is that a self portrait no it's oh no oh no the hair clips. You mother, she has longer hair than that. Oh, it's because I can't draw long your hair. Where's my jaw line? Why are eyes crooked? Because the eyes are crooked. That he got right. That's actually accurate. You know what? I would say very, you know, what do you call those artists who? Characterature. Yeah, yeah. Like on the boardwalk and stuff. Yeah. That looked like more of the cover of that

book like more scary stories to tell in the dark. Thanks, hi man. Really sweet. I appreciate it. Nine. Number nine. Okay, this one's turkey time. Everyone else does their best turkey impression and you're going to pick the winner.

Okay. Thank you. Thank God. Finally, one I can play with. So I want to preface mine by saying that Filipino animals make different sounds. Oh, here we go. But you don't know what an American turkey sounds like? I do.

Are we in the Philippines? I'm going to go with our Filipino iteration of what a turkey sounds. I thought you didn't celebrate Thanksgiving in the Philippines. We don't, but we have turkeys, don't we? They speak Filipino, the turkeys? The turkeys? Yeah. Also, you think that the only lands that can have turkeys are lands that celebrate Thanksgiving?

Shut up. I know it's gobble, gobble, gobble. In the Philippines, we say, ohok, olok, olok, olok. It's olok, olok, alok, alok. A look, alok. I think pretty accurate. That sounds like a turkey mocking someone. Oh, look, alok, alok, alok.

Go ahead. Find me a turkey. He says gobble, gobble, gobble. Wait, hold on. Oh, that's pretty good. Okay. Oh, he's really putting movement into it. Like a gobble, gobble? Do they want to?

What? Do it again? Impeachment. Yeah. Listen to these two turkeys. I think Ian wins that. That's close. But you are the judge.

You pick. Yeah. Ian. Yeah. You're welcome. We have a final bonus round for Jaime. Number 13. Number 13.

Lucky. Bad luck 13. This one. Eat a Serrano pepper. Well, you're going to have chor-r-r with six R's. We already did the turkey competition in action. Don't touch it with your hand. Just do it.

Don't touch your eyes. either. This one? Use the fork. I don't want you to get hurt. That's a fresh Serrano. Live your best one. The serrano you can handle.

Yeah, he'll be fine. Yeah. Eat it to like where the fork goes. Look who was a sweet mommy on that one saying, no, don't eat the cowl. I'm a sweet mommy and I'm a good daddy. What's like a combo of a mom and a dad? A domy. A domy.

I'm a good domy. Now, what is this ice cream? Just in case. Do I have to eat the pepper to get the ice cream? Because I'll do it. Yeah. No way. You got to go a big bite.

You gotta go all the way to the fork. At least, like, a third of it. Oh, oh, flesful. Oh, spicy. If you don't get a lot of seeds, it won't be that spicy, because the heat is in the seeds. It's not spicy, no? Oh, wharhum.

You're lying. Get in there, you. He just snort all the seeds, dude. It's not spicy. No? Oh, bar home. You're lying. Really?

Get in there, you. It's not spicy. See? See? The water makes it worse for me. Is it spicy? Yeah. It's bad?

Yeah. I don't eat spicy, so. There's ice cream there if you need. Eat ice cream if you need. Is it bad? Try it. Is it bad? For me, it is.

Like, are you in pain? Unless I'm in an opener. Are you in pain? Oh, poor hymen. Can you take me back now? Oh, can you take him back? Take him back. Whoever you are, we don't even know her name.

It's so spicy. It's making him want to raise a family. He's been in a quick company. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I'll get off the road. I'm ready to set up there. Spicy. Yeah, he's like, podcasting.

All right, I'll take a little tiny bite. I really hate spice. I'm going to take like a little girl baby bite. You need a seed in there, though. Yeah, that should do it. Wait, I think it kicks in, doesn't it? Everyone, another spoon for the ice cream, please. Oh, there we go.

Okay, everyone okay? We haven't even had a breakfast. Oh, you all got shit blood tonight. Okay. Well, everyone's shoving their mouths with, I was going to say sour cream. With cream, we're thankful for you. We love you. Happy Thanksgiving, however you celebrate it.

Even if it's in a non-traditional way. I hope you're surrounded with friends and loved ones and stay cozy. and warm. Don't eat peppers. Don't be like these ding-dongs. We love you and we'll see you next week.