TRASHFUTURE - Absolute Boy in Da Corner feat. Joana Ramiro

Episode Date: September 10, 2019

Something of a sleepy week in British politics, a time in which nothing happened of any real significance. This episode features (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and Alice (@AliceAvizandum) discussing these banal developments with London-based journalist (and host of Red Hacks podcast) Joana Ramiro (@joanaramirouk). Parliament didn’t get prorogued, the government didn’t suffer landmark defeats, and Low Tax Chloe didn’t make some of the worst memes in human history. We also also talk about the weird incel logic behind Apple's Siri. It’s a great, normal time to be a resident of this island, folks! If you like this show, sign up to the Patreon and get a second free episode each week! You’ll also get access to our Discord server, where good opinions abound. https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture *LIVE SHOW ALERT* Guess who’s going to play live at The World Transformed in Brighton this September? That’s right, your favourite podcast lads. We’ll be on at 1.00 pm on Monday, 23rd September. Buy a ticket here: http://theworldtransformed.org If you want to buy one of our recent special-edition phone-cops shirt, shoot us an email at trashfuturepodcast[at]gmail[dot]com and we can post it to you. (£20 for non-patrons, £15 for patrons) Do you want a mug to hold your soup? Perhaps you want one with the Trashfuture logo, which is available here: https://teespring.com/what-if-phone-cops#pid=659&cid=102968&sid=front

So I've been thinking about this all day today. I've decided on the next Perfect Love Island contestant. It's going to be a guy who never takes his shirt off, ever, even to go swimming. Every time they're like listening to music on Spotify or whatever, he always puts on a burial song and he's obsessed with wanting to kiss someone, but he never kisses anyone.

And he always makes loud. Ronnie's still trying to get on Love Island. I was about to say. He always scoffs really loudly whenever anyone else kisses and he talks about how they're just fools who are into chasing affection from one another when he's cultivating his mind. I'm very interested in seeing that character

on the next season of Love Island. You and Jordan Peterson are both Canadian and so it's really hard to determine which one of you is going to be that character. This is the... I want to see like the... Is Canada the real Love Island? Actually, I love Tundra.

Yeah, it's actually... Technically, mostly Canada's a peninsula. So, again, facts don't care about your feelings. Well, live a change for wine. Certain elements of it have a great wine microclimate. Canada does have a Love Island stay to be fair. Yeah, exactly. Many of them could be Love.

Love Islands. Yeah. Well, look, I think they're... Multiple. Well, they give them little canoes to get between the Love Islands. Yeah, just love Prince Edward Island. Love, little St. James.

Love Island juniors, anyway. It's been a minute and 57 seconds since we started the timer for the episode. That's right, folks. Did you know that we time these? Interesting. Which indicts the length of them all the more. Shut up.

We time them, but we don't like stick to that plan at all. No, it's just for curiosity. It's just so I can watch the... I like watching numbers go up. Yeah, it's a bit like how the British government looks at the climate change figures. Like, well, we're aware of how fucked it is now to just continue. Regimentally, we put it up on the TV in here

so that Riley would know that he was going over time. And instead, he's just like, hey, we got 15 more minutes. Let's just tack it on. And we have like hour and a half episodes. Tack it on, tack it on, tack it on, tack it on. Yeah, I was thinking it was all about your records with using that communal towel.

Yes, yes. Look, the communal towel is a myth. I'm going to say that's a myth, busted. Myth busted. The towels were at my towel. Yeah, shut up. Why must you ruin my wet dreams, Riley, honestly? And in fact, I joining us today for Trash Future

is London journalist Joanna Ramiro. Joanna, how you doing? Hello, hello. I'm great finally on Trash Future. I can't believe it. Right? It's beside myself. Yeah.

So, well, look, here's the thing. It's been a real slow news week. Not a lot has happened. Nothing, nothing has happened. Honestly, just go back on holiday. Go back to Love Island. Yeah. So, I'm mostly we're going to be talking

about my cool new character from Love Island, who's the guy that goes to house parties and then ruins them by insisting on playing like very sort of cerebral and minimal music. Imagine a furry on Love Island. That would be incredible. You'd be very hot. Yeah, you really would.

How do furries deal with hot climates? If you're a furry, don't write in. Actually, I know the answer to this and it's exactly as dystopian as you would hope. Is it venting? Oh, no. So, a furry invented on their own, a kind of under-fursuit cooling system,

which was then immediately adopted by the U.S. military to wear on the body armor. Incredible. She's not making this up. I've seen the furry. Yes. This is why we have Trash Future. Yeah.

We always closely follow developments in the furry community. So, just thinking about Eisenhower doing his farewell address and warning about the influence of the military industrial furry complex. Breaking news. Breaking news. Play the Buntavista Breaking News Stinger.

I'll get it from them. Boris Johnson's tenure as PM. Turns out it's really good. Yeah, no problems here. Everything's fine. He didn't do any problems. Dominic Cummings did a bunch of Machiavelli shit and the EU has dissolved itself.

It has been replaced by a series of corporations affiliated with Amazon. Yeah, and the EU politicians have agreed to spend the rest of their careers reenacting World War II as the bad guys so that boomer dads can like, I don't know, have fun finally getting their war on. Yeah, and every single English class

has been replaced with a different STEM subject. So, we love it. The irony is that the European politicians would actually stand a chance of fitting into the fucking uniforms which the Tory government absolutely would not. Have you looked at any of them recently? Are you fat-shaming Boris Johnson?

Yes. That's not cool. Fuck him. Of all the other things you could shame him for about his appearance. Yeah, that's the only bad thing about him. I think I'd also say like, Dominic Cummings would much, like if you imagine him in a Hollywood version of World War II,

he would definitely be cast as a Nazi. You know what I mean? Like, he has that look. He's a very like... A Mengele type figure. Yeah, he's the kind of guy who like, he owns the leather trench coats that doesn't... Yeah, for sure.

Absolutely. He would have like a WPI as well. Yeah. Look. The Scar, Scar Cross. In another life, Dominic Cummings actually is a very well-respected actor playing the villain in Indiana Jones movies.

Also, on the subject of Boris Johnson's weight, did anyone else see that article that came out about what his daily diet is? So, I'm sure there's something to it he gave years ago. And apparently, he drinks a liter of Diet Coke every day. And also, it's birthday cake for breakfast. He's a Tom Cotton boy. It's the birthday cake conspiracy.

Our big special boy, Donald Trump, proved right. Because folks, I've never seen a skinny person drinking Diet Coke. Yeah, it's true. All of these guys rule. Including him, who drinks Diet Coke constantly. They all rule. They're all very cool.

And there's no more show. Yeah, Diet Coke is the brain making good juice. Well, this is funny because, you know, they have that stupid resistance lib account. It's like presidential Donald Trump, where like he's balding, but he also is just like very... acts very presidential and responsible.

And it's just like a weird kind of like simulacrum of normal Donald Trump. But Burma Johnson's brother is basically that in real life. It's weird to see those two juxtaposed. They come from the same family, but one of them seems like a relatively normal person. And the other one apparently is living out the deranged dream of a two-year-old.

Birthday cake every day, playing the ball pit, you know. Having a girlfriend half his age. It's a Hugo Simpson situation. It's a local Boris and chaosic Boris. I think what we're dealing with a classic Hugo Simpson. Bart's deformed twin brother who lives in the attic. I mean, yeah, Boris Johnson's girlfriend really puts both the daddy and the choke me into choke me daddy.

So the overwhelming and total failure of Boris Johnson's government has driven a lot of conservatives quite delightfully mad. 21 of them have resigned the whip of the party. And they have been 22 now, in fact. I feel it really have to specify for Americans that that wasn't voluntary on their part. They got the boot for not supporting whatever.

I can't remember what the vote was on, but it was basically they opposed the government in basically seeking a Brexit extension. No, in legislation to stop their deal. Yeah, and so it wasn't that they resigned the whip. It was that he literally dominant comings was like, no, we're literally kicking you out of the conservative party. That's another brain genius move from the mind.

I just think we should add to this point at this point that like usually, again, to be quite clear on this point, rebellions against the whip or against the party line are not unheard of in any party. And particularly when you have 21 grandees of which one of them was Winston Churchill's or is Winston Churchill's grandson. The other one is the father of the house,

which is the eldest MP in the House of Commons. You usually wouldn't necessarily expel them all, right? Like or suspend them or whatever. They actually expel them effectively from the party. Probably they would get a slap in the back and that would be that. In this case, however, you know, Dominic Cummings plus Boris Johnson, well, went all guns of blazing. And yeah, that was that.

Also, and yet another chapter for our modern Britain is just the Soviet Union, but shit, an expensive thing. This is literally having the NKVD machine guns at the back of your own lines to just shoot your own. Yeah, yeah. Johnson just like wiped out his own majority by firing his own troops. But it is like, I mean, how...

Be rather shot by the NKVD than join the Lib Dems. Fair, but also like, I mean, just think like, this is literally a two-year-old, right? Like he's not just living the dream of a two-year-old. He acts like a two-year-old. He has the temper of a two-year-old. It's absolutely ridiculous. Anybody being led by one?

I was gonna say, and if that low tax Chloe video that they posted is any indication, much like a two-year-old, he is always crying. Yeah, and always looking very tired and probably needing his mommy. It's really funny because the one who has the nanny is Jacob Reese Mogg, but really who needs one is probably Boris Johnson.

Yeah. I'm sure they could share. Look, here's my new invention. Every man gets a nanny. Damn. I want... Isn't that what you all already want, Riley, though? Where to start?

I'm just waiting for the Lib Dem announcement that's like, well, the NKVD have shot thousands of us, but in exchange, we have got a 10p tax on plastic bags. Wait, wait, wait, I've just realized, is that why Joe Simpson is always like so nice and mellow and like, look, we just gotta be nice to each other? Because really, she just wants to be the mommy of everyone but like in a nice way.

Yeah. Maybe so she's called Lenny and Carl, that fake parliament. Ms. Simpson, can we have Lib Dems outside today? So, the other... Here's the other thing, is that they've also then, when they lost their Brexit vote, they tried to force an early general election

to decide the terms of Brexit. However, that would have been an election on the Conservative Party's terms and Labour was very correct to not accept one. So, what's a PM to do? We have a reverse hostage situation, it's wonderful. Damn. Boris Johnson has essentially locked himself,

locked himself like a sort of similarly haired Rapunzel inside number 10. I mean, because they literally were floating as a solution to this deadlock that maybe the government could instigate a vote of no confidence in itself, to which I can only say, ooh-woo. Not only that, but to instigate a vote of no confidence

in yourself and lose it. Because actually people do believe in you and so they don't want you to have no confidence in yourself. They want you to know that you can achieve something. It's like she's all that. So, what's a PM to do? Boris Johnson recently went to Scotland where in a bizarre speech, he said he, quote,

yearns to believe in the Loch Ness Monster, adding that part of me still does. He also steered a bull into a policeman, which is praxis. Boris Johnson did ACAB shit. He did two separate kinds of ACAB shit. Yeah, he made a police officer faint. Yes. He's been traveling the country disrespecting the police.

I think the police, excuse me, police time. You should get like properly arrested for that, but actually I have a really other good story about Loch Ness. Right, so apparently this week came out this New Zealand university, like scientists had been researching the water in Loch Ness for a year in order to find out whether there was actual like not like sort of monster DNA in it. And what he found is that- Excuse me, which university was this?

This is, I can tell you- This is one percent monster energy. The University of New Zealand. Oh, please. It's the Otago University in New Zealand. Anyway, yeah, Otago, yeah, that's how you say it. In Dunedin, New Zealand, home of a lot of really great bands from the 80s. I just happened to know that for some reason

because I'm a podcast fucking dad. Yeah, bring out your older credentials here today. For extremely like online New Zealanders currently losing their shit right now. But I think the best thing about this whole story is that what he found was actually there was a lot of eel DNA. So the conclusion that these scientists came to is that actually the Loch Ness monster is possibly a giant eel. Amazing.

I mean, how much more does this really exemplify Britain in 2019? Turns out we were just a giant eel. We just make the big eel into a pie. That will solve the no-deal food shortage. Just with the entire country gorgeous itself on lampraise until we all get gout. It's going to be great. Who would have thought that our solution to the Brexit problem

would come from one big eel? Yeah. Look, make Britain great again, I'm telling you. Yeah, we're going to make Britain gout again. The Tories aren't afraid of getting gout. They've all got it already. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such telethons as outwithgout88

and let's save Tony Orlando's house. I just needed to put his little Simpsons in there. There wasn't enough this episode. So the Prime Minister also said that he has no plans to accept this legislation at the same speech where he did ACAB shit and then said he wanted to believe in the Loch Ness monster. He then said he was just going to break the law. Yeah, when you put it like that, it's fucking awesome.

It's punk. He goes up on stage and is like, fuck cops, break the law. Laws don't apply to me. I'm making cops fake. Jail isn't real. Yeah. What I just love is this super posh English guy being like, oh, what would resonate with the Scots?

Oh, I love the Loch Ness monster. Like, mate, just cane a bottle of Buckfast and eat a macaroni cheese pie. Well, it wasn't too far when he drove that, you know, that bull into the police officer. That was a little bit more in spirit this space. Shout out to the most Scottish headline I read, which was a man guessing arrested for feeding hot dogs to a police horse.

Truly a hero about time. So yeah, he said that this legislation, that all of those Tories got fired over, essentially. Man, when you think about it, what's Boris Johnson doing? He's doing anti-police activism. He's doing like anti electoralism. He's reducing this. He's firing Tories.

He's basically deconstructing parliament. I mean, like this man is actually a anarchist hero. This is it. Like, he... I mean, that look to steering the ship of state slightly to the serious for a moment. I mean, Boris Johnson sort of is like, because fascism is a revolutionary force just like socialism is,

it's just a revolution for the ruling class, rather than for, you know, everyone else. It's like, he is a sort of revolutionary figure in that he is going to take all of these things that have mostly protected the ruling class, but constrain them a little bit sometimes and just wiping them all away or at least trying to. Because he's going to try and defy the law to deliver Brexit.

And they said they might send him to jail. But then when the question comes down to it is, if parliament says send that man to jail and Boris says, don't send me to jail, what then happens? He goes to jail. That's what should happen. I mean, like, I mean, we're talking about... Yeah, because the courts can be in jail.

We're talking about a bound shop Hitler, if that's what we're equalling him to, like a sort of like fascist figurehead, which I don't even think it's necessarily the correct analysis of this, but in any case, like if he is such a leader to the, you know, ultra-conservative reactionary right, like he is the most bumbling buffoon,

even they have possibly very little respect over if all their biggest, you know, wet dreams came true. So yeah, I see where you're coming from, but I just, you know, like I still cannot think of this man actually leading that particular revolution either. I think it's... People said this about Trump, though, too. And all of a sudden you just had this guy

who just talks about how Graydon Carter's Oscars party isn't hot anymore. And all of these guys in trucker hats are like, yes, you're so alpha. I've had enough of that Graydon Carter. Yeah, I mean, I do think that's a point to make is that a lot of people are recoiling in horror to this and even people like who are, you know,

lifetime Tories are quite fed up about this, but how I ultimately, he's doing this as an appeal to the kind of person who's just like, oh, just get on with it about Brexit. Yeah, he's just doing that shit. He's doing it for the guy who went and like lived in Parliament Square for a long time and tried to do citizen journalism shit

by like, you know, shouting at MPs. I mean, because really when you get down to it, like there was a story, I think I've told this on this podcast before about the guy in Louisiana who made like a custom boat company that required the importation of fiberglass at like very cheap rates. And obviously like the tariffs that Trump put

on Chinese products raised the price of his, the fiberglass he used to make boats to the point where he had to go out of business. But he was just like, burn my house down, dad. I just want to do racism. I love Donald Trump. I love him so much. Like it's okay that I'm going bankrupt.

And like the thing about it is there's a mentality and I do think that that mentality exists in Britain, not necessarily one-to-one comparison, but it is similar. Yeah, and Boris's instincts has always been to play to these exact shitheads too. Becoming mayor of London essentially on the basis that it was jokes, right?

The sort of person who wears a rugby shirt outside, would then vote for him for mayor of London and that was enough to swing it. Yeah, that's absolutely true. Now we're going to make the crime bridge. This will be amazing. And the thing is like, I worry, I really worry that as we do head into an election footing

that we might fall into the trap of the same trap the Democrats fell into in 2016. Well, they'll be like, oh, well, everyone hates him. He's universally reviled. I'm sure the sensible conservatives will sort of kick him out of office and we'll go back to normal soon. Yeah, but the difference is we have an actual good offer

instead of the Democrats. I would add, I mean. And I think that what you just said, Riley, is correct as long as you tack liberal on the front of it. Because that's my concern is that the people, the Lib Dems have broken through with a certain kind of soft remain constituency. And my concern is that those people don't realize

how much if they vote for the Lib Dems they could wind up handing a Tory majority. And that would be, and basically kind of mad because they're convinced that even the Jeremy Corbyn has basically boxed Boris Johnson in to a degree that anybody who was paying attention could have seen coming. But even fucking conservative media has had to admit has been a master stroke.

They're still like, oh, but he's not a real opposition. He's just in his garden fucking making jam. They're still regurgitating the same shit. It's been four years of just fucking nonsense. And that's my concern is that- Because Jeremy's a Brexiteer, unlike all of the Brexit supporting and voting Tory MPs who are now Lib Dems.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, I should just add to that. Like, I don't mean to be a spoilsport, but like the promise of Jeremy Corbyn is not just Jeremy Corbyn himself, but actually the project behind him in a way that I actually think that the way that Jeremy handled Boris Johnson this week was great,

but it was actually not as visionary and heroic as some people have portrayed it within the movement as good as it was. And he was certainly on top form. But vis-a-vis these two, I don't want to go too much into sort of like cultural war or cultural war as certainly my former boss Paul Mason likes to talk about so much.

I think there is some truth to that, but not as hyperbolic as he likes to put it at times. But nonetheless, if we think about these two different offers, you know, like Boris Johnson and the ultra-conservatism reactionary proposition that that side of the Conservative Party is offering versus Jeremy Corbyn, I think what Jeremy Corbyn has to offer

that obviously Hillary Clinton did not four years ago is really like a whole project. Serious change this country. Actual solutions with data that, you know, can substantiate as arguments, which actually is something that Lib Dems don't have other than Brexit, other than a very stringent position on we are against Brexit.

I was at them... It's gin o'clock and it's time to stop Brexit. You can come and stop Brexit. It's a telegronia o'clock, Milo, please. Yeah. Shadow Cabinet entirely of novelty Twitter accounts for like the Queen drinking gin. Yeah.

Well, also, I mean, they do laugh stop Brexit. That Joe Swinson said she wouldn't consider Lenny and Carl said that they would not consider going into coalition with Labour because Jeremy Corbyn is a Brexiteer and then said instead they want a caretaker PM of Ken Clark who, A, didn't know about this plan and, B, supports Brexit and, C, does not want a second referendum. So...

Wait, does Ken Clark support... I mean, he's always been a Remain. He's been outspoken Remain guy. He supports the working agreement, the Theresa Mays deal. Yeah. He's now back, given to, you know, thank you to Stephen Kinnaug is now back on the table. Yeah, UK Parliament literally doing stupid guy shit,

just being like, ah, fuck, I accidentally table... I fully by accident fucked around and table the deal that has been rejected four times, a fifth time. Literally by accident, someone walked through the wrong hallway. And literally it's on the table again because let's not put any tellers to that vote. Whatever, well, no tellers, it's true. Thanks very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, the UK Parliament. Literally just, for American listeners, how you vote in the UK Parliament is literally like, you just walk through a hallway and you're counted. That's like, that's what you do. They basically didn't put up counters for the no position for that amendment. And so it passed by default.

Yeah, the guy didn't know it was opposite day and the whole thing was fucked up. They had Sven Marquardt, the bouncer from Burghine outside the no door, so you just couldn't go in. But if it was opposite day, you'd tell me it was an opposite day. So it must not be opposite day. Back to Johnson, right?

I think one of the things that we're seeing with him is that, look, everyone liked to say that, especially in the liberal media, like you said, oh, Jeremy Corbin's a protest candidate. He's never done anything, blah, blah, blah. Jeremy Krobney, please. What we're seeing now is that it's Boris Johnson who was the protest candidate.

Because he is the, all he ever offered was a negation. He just offered, no, don't do that. I can do better. Wouldn't it be great if we did better? We like to talk often about home counties' dads who like to imagine how well they would have done in World War II. Boris Johnson is one of those home counties' dads who has been teleported to the Battle of the Bulge

and given command of a platoon and told to take a village. And he's doing about as well as that dad would. Which is, everyone dies and only he is left standing saying like, No, we're winning. He's Boris Johnson, he's Lieutenant Dyke. We've found who he is. And they say this themselves. Like I mentioned this before, Mark François MP,

our friend of the show, said that he... Paintball enthusiast. Yeah, he endorsed Boris on the basis that he would have been a good combat officer. It's wild. Maddening. Yeah. One of the fatter people in the Tory party.

Do you say? I mean, they have a fetishism with like large blokes to lead armies, right? Winston Churchill. Yeah, they love it. They love a big guy. Yeah, just a big, wet baby, just moving toy soldiers around. Delightful. A big, wet baby with gout.

Intimidating the Germans with their breasts and swollen feet. Oh, no. Just laughing at the idea. God, this man, he is of remarkable size. And so, but more... More flummoxing your quartermaster by trying to... Requisition birthday cake as field rations, putting together two separate uniform blouses to fit around you.

So, more MPs have been quitting as well. So, Amber Rudd, who we all sort of know as someone who was the head of the DWP and at the head of the Home Office for a while. The latest resign. Basically, person who's responsible for austerity deaths and the Windrush scandal. Yeah, like the actual facilitator of all of Theresa May's most evil shares. Yeah, she carried on. She basically was a caretaker for Theresa May's,

the worst elements of Theresa May's legacy. So, here is her statement. Number 10, wants the 21 not to be there as MPs, because they need those seats occupied by people who support their no-deal plan. It was an assault on decency and democracy. I cannot support this act of political vandalism. Like my mother used to say, judge a man by what he does and not by what he says.

As my mother used to say in 1969, we had Bob Hope, Steve Jobs and Johnny Cash. What do we have now? Minions, which to be fair, I like. As my mother used to say, judge a man by if he's black and can produce his documents. Because Amber Rudd was one of the caretakers of both the Windrush scandal and austerity. She has literally tens, if not over 100,000 deaths on her doorstep. And the greatest sin in her mind that you could commit

is being mean to Nicholas Soames. Yeah, because that's indecent. Yeah, exactly. Austerity was decent. It was necessary. We had to tighten our belts. All of those people that died, they make for sad news stories, like that guy who weighed 50 kilos on his deathbed. But being mean to Nicholas Soames is actually what leads us to creeping fascism.

That's the problem. Well, the thing was, when that woman years ago came out and gave an interview to the press in which she said that having sex with Nicholas Soames was like having a wardrobe fall on top of you with a very small key stuck in the lock, that was worse than the Srebrenica. And we just need to accept that. You know, this society's never recovered from that. Just slipped another, another Brendan article in there.

Yeah, absolutely. That's a bam-coma, Jeremy. No, I can imagine Brendan. The Brendan take on there would be to criticize the woman who said that by saying that you identify as a wardrobe. Yeah. Or a man is going to fuck Nicholas Soames. He doesn't know what's coming.

It's Winston Churchill's grandson who's going to fuck Wee Man. Nicholas Soames is eating the world's biggest sandwich, but he doesn't know is that Wee Man is hiding inside it. There's a snake in the room and neither of them know. So I really want to focus on this, right? Amber Rudd is claiming a moral high ground, but for being a big ol' meanie. Now, I don't know what this says about Amber Rudd, and I don't intend this as a defense of Amber Rudd,

but my impression of her has always been that she's been like the kind of slightly, slightly incapable, lacky to the evil plans. Like Theresa May came up with all this stuff and she just kind of takes her old job. Theresa May berates her, and she just stands there in like a big jumpsuit and just like, oh, okay, boss. But here's who else has been driven insane. Lotex Chloe. That's a while ago.

Lotex Chloe, because whenever these people get what they want, or get within spitting distance of what they want, it always drives them crazy. It drove like the American, it drove the American right crazy, and now they all have Iraqi dinars unless they moved on to some other flim flam. They've all invested with Jacob Wall's lemonade stand or whatever. Lotex Chloe actually stands for Laquacia Taxacia Chloe. It's Croatia, not Croatia.

How come Lotex Chloe founded something awful? Can we open up the notes, please scroll down to the rare Corbins that the Tuneservative Party has been posting? Because the Tuneservative Party on social media, because Corbin... Wait, so is this Lotex Chloe's department? Yes. The rare Corbins. Yes, it's her and a guy that they hired away from the Ladd Bible.

Wow. No, is that true? That is absolutely true. That is the number 10 communications department. Yes! Which Jeremy Corbin are you? A quiz. Let's go.

Let's fucking go. Yes, so we can look at some of these rare Corbins that have been posted by Lotex Chloe from number 10. Basically, their whole strategy now is to try to get Corbin to agree to an election on their terms, like calling him a pussy or specifically by saying he's chicken, because I guess they think he's Marty McFly. It's such a public school move, though. Boris Johnson driving into a manure truck.

Also, you can tell these people don't know how to season their food, because the images of the chicken they send out to people is so bio. I mean, legitimately, it's Tradwife food. White people are the worst, I can tell you that much. Tradwife food gore over here. Jesus. Lotex Chloe auditioning to be a Tradwife by cooking some insanely dry, it looks dry and wet at the same time.

And so what they've done is they've... Why is there only two chicken breasts in a whole bucket? I mean, also, that synthesis of Jeremy Corbin and Colonel Sanders looks like Emperor Hirohito. Also, it kind of makes him look like a badass. It always does look like a badass. It always do, like every time they try to make him look like they make these photos, they think they look awkward instead. He just looks jacked, like...

Yeah. Can I also just... The moment we had Miliband, it's the thought of that. Can I also, obviously, for listeners who obviously... I mean, where have you been living? But anyway, if you haven't seen these images, they're obviously parodying KFC. And Yugov went as far as doing a survey of how likely are KFC customers to vote labor and actually 46%.

And then they went as far as going to other chicken places, like Nando's, which is 47, Nando's are basically comrades. Yeah. Comrade Nando's. As well as chicken cottage. Today stratified by what kind of sauce you have in Nando's. So if it's mild, you're a Tory. If it's, like, probably a pair of parrots.

Seven in her people are definitely Tories. Well, if it sucks, because, I mean, the Ladd Bible guys would have lots of deep talent on making these kinds of quizzes. But unfortunately, they all work for number 10 now. Yeah. Which is why they're just doing, like, for the many, not the few, and then three crying, laughing emojis. Can I just add that, like, the brands most likely to vote conservative

are basically three brands of sort of eateries or grills or whatever that I've never in my life heard of. And I'm hoping, given that at least in the studio, I'm surrounded by white men that you can explain to me what this is, particularly Milo, as the sort of, like, more British out of all of us. I was going to say the more partial. I was like, I'm going to have to step in there. I was being polite.

So the brand most likely to be Tory is something called Brewer's Fair. I know. Oh, that sounds so Tory. No, it's really, it's really down market. It's like, it's like Harvester or Toby Carver. It's the same kind of shit. Again, I don't even know these things. It's like a really safe chain pub

where you can get, like, a roast dinner on a Sunday. All right. They have them in, like, shit commuter towns. What about they're really grim? Vintage Inns, 51% likely to vote Tory. It's the kind of place that always has a child's play area. That's the sort of place we're dealing with. I've never heard of that either.

It sounds family friendly. Okay. So, like, the other one is Vintage In and then 51% likely to vote Tory versus 35% likely to vote Labour is Beef Eater. Yeah, another cheap, very cheap chain pub. This is the real Britain. I'm going to do those New York times in search of the real American voter things.

Going on the road to fucking Harvester's up and down the nation. You can just, you can take... You're John Harris from The Guardian, basically. Take different photos of them. Every single place you get a new photo and every single one of them, I guarantee you won't have to change the copy because it'll just say, send them all back to Pakistan. That'll be the quote from all of them.

It's the white van man Tories. That's such a thing. Like, they're like, the people who, like, throughout the 80s and the early 90s, they were Labour voters. But then, like, they made some money by, like, you know, diddling money on their fucking, like, dodgy building business. And then suddenly, like, Cameron had a message that spoke to them, which was, like, you have money, fuck everyone else.

And now they're Tory voters because they also hate Muslims. Like, that's kind of the, like, yeah. Basically, what you need to, you need to, the way you capture those people is by reminding them how shit the Tories are. Not by saying, like, but we love multiculturalism because for better or worse, they don't care about that shit. Well, clearly they don't care about that shit because if they did, they would put a much better chicken in that bucket.

They absolutely would. I want to read quickly from the copy because there's a copy that goes with this. It says, it is JFC, which stands for totally spineless chicken. But that doesn't stand for, what? I also want my chicken. It doesn't spell either, basically. I thought it was Jeremy frightened and chicken.

I thought that was, I had one of them say that. Frit and chicken, frit and chicken. James cleverly said that he was- That's James cleverly, not James comma cleverly. James cleverly said that his favorite lunch is to get some Jeremy's frightened and chicken, which is what I, my favorite thing to eat is Kentucky fried and chicken. I love that.

He gets, whatever, he gets some Jeremy's frightened and chicken. Suggest that the Colonel was. He doesn't even need to eat because that's such a thrill. It's just amazing to me that you can get this prestigious communications job where you're hired to make memes and you can't do like one and a half points out of 10 level memes. Like just think through the fucking acronym. Like just basic stuff.

But they hired low tax Chloe because they can't hire anyone else because low tax Chloe is the one who makes like the idiot like pseudo porn economics videos. She's the only one who knows how to use MS paint. Yeah. She's like, what if we took the boring messaging of a corporate communications video and merged it with the low production videos,

the low production standards of like bad Eastern European porn. Wouldn't that really speak to the masses? Yeah. Somebody pointed out that with the, between this and the knife free boxes, the Boris Johnson Prime Minister ship has been entirely based around chicken and chicken. Well, one thing is this, what this reminds me of is reminds me of Trump's inability to get any bands to come play in his inauguration. Like these are the only internet people that they could actually hire.

But also like they're not even thinking this fucking through. Like who is under the, who prays attention to the internet seriously that would like memes would vote for the Tories, right? Like that is usually a demographic below the age of 30. As soon as our Patreon gets to a certain level, us. I mean, not to keep harping on the Trump thing, but that was a thing that happened was that boomers ended up getting radicalized by HN in the weirdest fucking confluence of circumstances.

And I can't wait for that to happen, guys. To be fair. So here's the actual text from this article that I have to move on. Foul play. So there's the first pun, if you caught that. Move over, Colonel. Jeremy Corbyn's the new biggest chicken in town. Colonel Sanders is dead.

He's been dead for 20 years. He's also not a chicken. He was a human man. He wasn't the biggest chicken in town. The start of a Christmas Carol is like, Colonel Sanders was not a chicken. That before us must be understood. He's been saying he wants an election for nearly two years,

but now he's running scared from one. Jeremy Corbyn and Labour don't respect public votes. And their surrender bill means more dither and delay on Brexit. When it comes to Brexit, so saying that we're twice in sort of this and another sentence, really good writing. Very sharp, very clear. This clearly went through a lot of drafts. When it comes to Brexit, Jeremy Corbyn's winging it.

So there's another chicken pun. Oh, that's very nice. I see, yeah, very good. Yeah. Boris Johnson going to Brussels and just crossing out a bunch of words from Teresa May's agreement, saying what if you didn't have the backstop and maybe a wizard will fix it, is definitely not winging it.

Yeah, at least winging it, man. Just entirely prepared and on top of things. Just all times. Going up to Scotland being asked a bunch of questions about Brexit and then rambling about the Loch Ness Monster for a few minutes, hoping everyone will forget it. That is such a shrump energy. The guy who once got stuck on a zipline

is definitely not the kind of person who just improvised it. Covered in Union tracks. Failing zipline. Very bad zipline. Here's my deal. It wasn't heavy. It was bad. They chipped out and they couldn't afford a better zipline.

Actually, it was a great zipline. It was all great. It was all on purpose, to be fair. So that's it. I'm not going to do the trump voice. Here's my new deal for Boris Johnson, is he can have his election, but he has to be Prime Minister from the zipline.

He has to rule Britain from the zipline, from the middle of it. He probably would love that shit. That's actually how they pronounce zeppelin in Canada. The choice is clear. Does Boris Johnson lead negotiations at the EU on 17th October or does Jeremy Corbyn do exactly what Brussels says, meaning a bad deal for Britain, more uncertainty and more delay?

I mean, come on, a chicken is not an egg. Yeah. It's so bad. This is supposed to be a joke on fried chicken and all the jokes that they're making are chicken related rather than... I mean, fried chicken is a meal. Chicken is a bird.

I mean, none of it makes sense. Yeah, absolutely. That's why it's great. This is dataism. This is actually outsider art. Yeah, to be fair, it could be performance art. Yeah, I'll take that. I'll take that.

People need the chance to make that choice so we can move on as a country. Jeremy Corbyn needs to pluck up the courage to back an election. So that's another chicken reference. Anyway. They're trying to do too many puns at once. What is this era we live in?

Yes, it's great. These are adults. This has come from the office of the Prime Minister of Great Britain. That appears money going into that. Yeah, I built this is why... Holy fucking shit. I want to see how much they spent

for the stock image of a guy in a chicken suit to Photoshop Jeremy Corbyn on it. We're getting onto that one next with how much was it. Maybe he's the image of the old guy like doing the thumbs up in front of the computer. So if you scroll down a little bit, we'll see Jeremy Corbyn looking fantastic. This is badass.

This looks like a Skepta album cover. This rules. No, it's like I said earlier. She's coming up on the wrong side of the Skepta Wiley feud. This is looks like a Grime album cover where Corbyn's just basically dropped an enormous amount of excellent bars

and he's just now like sitting in the locker room taking off his chicken suit. He looks cool. He looks so sassy or feisty or something. Like he looks like the kind of chicken that just wanted a cop fight. And it's just about to peck the eyes of the next opponent. Also, the Photoshop is really good to it.

I'm starting to wonder, is this a real photo of Jeremy Corbyn just from the Family Archive? It's kind of impressive. After he had an excellent day out at the chicken reenactment. It's kind of impressive that for a team that couldn't make a decent pun, they actually are pretty good with Photoshop.

Well, but it's making me laugh too because yeah, it winds up making all those 9-11 photos. It winds up looking like Jeremy Corbyn just got done beating the shit out of all the other animal mascots. And you're next. This is apparently the photo that's supposed to make him look weak and indecisive.

He looks like the leader of a team of bank robbers that like do all the robberies at a time in Scott's suits. Fuck, what's the movie when they dress like that? He's wearing the furry cooling system. At what? Yeah, I know what you're talking about. What's the movie shit? They made a remake of it and I should know this one.

Point break. Point break. Yeah, it's basically. The remake is so bad. I can only imagine. Well, the original is fucking ridiculous. It's a good movie, but it's ridiculous. Oh, you know, I've seen both.

And the remake is like a million percent more ridiculous. It's like unbelievably bad. Can I just say like, and we just have a brief moment of being very creative and imagine what the mascots for David Cameron, Theresa May and Boris Johnson would be that he just basically beaten up in this imagined scenario because like these are there are three prime ministers

in that costume. No, no, three Churchill dogs. Clearly David Cameron is going to be dressed as a pig. I mean, that has to happen. Exactly. I thought that's what I was. And like Theresa May. Peppa Pig's dad.

Yeah, Theresa May is just weird anthropomorphic stock of wheat for some reason. Yeah, yeah. Like the British Wheat Council has animal mascot for some reason. She beat it to a mouse because she eats the wheat. It's fucking gross. Aw, little mouse.

And I think Boris Johnson would be a British bulldog. Yeah. But Boris Johnson would be a British bulldog who is constantly on the way to the vet to get fixed. Yeah, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Displazia. He's already been fixed.

I mean, I had the swiping kit to make baskets. He's the insurance company bulldog, you know? This might be one of those niche references that is just too much. But like when you can think about who elected Boris Johnson in the sense that it was the membership of the conservative party who voted for him. Yes.

And they're all old as shit and racist and probably live in, you know, rural or small cities. They basically grew up reading just William books and they're like, we want William from Just William to just be the prime minister. And he looks like it. He looks like a messy schoolboy who's faced professionalism here with Kane.

He's just William getting in the machine from the fly with Adrian Moll. Anyway, I still think that he looks fucking badass in that picture. And on top of all that, I mean, like anyone that calls anyone else a chicken clearly has never been chased by a chicken. Chicken are fucking scary as far as I'm concerned

because I'm terrified of them. So I'm happy being terrified of Jeremy Corbyn. That's why I need to eat them to stop them taking over. Can we do a pen and pixel of this please? Just have it in some Rottweilers and a, you know, 1994 Lexus. An enormous chain. Where did they get the picture from in the first place? It was like a stock phone.

Yeah. And they paid 375 quid for us. Awesome. Thank you. But here's the thing though. That's UBI. Worth it. I mean, priceless really.

There was a Twitter thread from the artist who shot that picture that they, yeah, he basically said that he didn't consent to them modifying the image and that like if they bought it from, I think it was Getty, that like he hadn't heard about it yet. So he's not sure if they, if they bought it in the way that like would give them rights to do this in the first place. But regardless, like the photographer who shot the image

was like, yeah, I don't know what the fuck this is, but they certainly didn't get my permission. That's still kind of a weird high horse to get on when you're doing stock image photography though. Well, he just more, it was more like he was on Twitter. He's a shit-poster stock image guy. He's just like, yeah, this is my photo. I don't know what the fuck's going on.

And I mean like... It takes pictures of like people sticking their foot in the toilet and like things like that, you know. He's the guy, his previous portfolio included guy holding gun at computer screen. He moved guys, you know. We were laughing alone with salads. Yeah.

Comrade intellectual property while... Cat-hacing at restaurant table. Yeah. Anyway, so I think moving on from this, right, I think if we want to sum this section up, it's that Boris Johnson seems to be, his brain isn't dying, but he is sort of driving himself insane because being Prime Minister,

which he's wanted to do his entire life, is turning to Ash in his mouth. And we absolutely fucking love it. We are here to see it. We love to see it, folks. We love it. Things we love to see. But sometimes it's actually better

because you don't get the kind of creeping lack of awareness that Trump or Biden has. He's in there. The lights are on and we're logged in with him. Boris Johnson is in his own special ministry of love. That is the... So I want to move on now. This is actually an article that a friend of the show,

and I believe three Pete guests, Alex Hearn, wrote for The Guardian about Siri. So this is a jarring change in topic. So basically what happened is that all of the documents about how Apple writes the dialogue for its voice assistant, Siri, has been leaked. And the dialogue, and some of the dialogue is very interesting, and some of the documents show some quite interesting things about it.

So this is from the article. An internal project to rewrite how Apple's Siri voice assistant handles sensitive topics such as... Siri will say the n-word if you give Siri a hood pass. ...handles sensitive topics such as feminism. And the Me Too movement has advised developers to respond in one of three ways to questions like, what is feminism?

Either don't engage or deflect, and as a last resort, inform. The Me Too movement informs this. But is it definable thing? If you ask about what the Me Too movement is, Siri will try not to answer your question. Right. Okay. Okay.

That makes sense. That is exactly why the Me Too movement was created in the first place. But if you ask Siri what is gamergated, it'll just say it's about ethics and video game journalism. Right. Okay. So the thing about this is... I mean, this is basically written by an incel.

I mean, maybe. Oh, we all wish it. I mean, in a way, all Siri's are incel. I also heard it's not an incel. No, no, no, no. I have it. Every single person is a volle cell. And he will die on that.

Every single person that came into contact with whatever Siri is based on has never fucked. I mean, that, I think we can understand. Oh, yeah. No. Yeah. Well, we'll get into that. Because, okay.

So unfortunately, we'll sort of get into that. Whilst I don't believe that feminism should be controversial, I'm prepared to acknowledge that feminism is objectively controversial because so many people hate feminism. And that's kind of the definition of controversial when lots of people like saying lots of people also hate it. Right. Yeah.

But I don't see why if someone asks Siri, what is feminism? Just as if I asked Siri, what was the Holocaust? She can't just tell me. Comfortable topics. Like, no, it's just a musical space. The Holocaust is way more controversial than feminism. But Siri would still tell you what it was.

Yeah, true. Like, so without saying whether it's good or not, yeah, they could do a drill tweet. Right. Yeah, to replace Siri with drill. It's driving. So in explaining why the service should deflect questions about feminism specifically,

Apple's guidelines explain that, quote, Siri should be guarded when dealing with potentially controversial content. When questions are directed at Siri, they can be deflected and care must be taken here to make sure you're neutral. So are you a feminist? Once you receive generic responses such as sorry username,

I don't really know. Now, but Siri's also gendered female. Yeah, it's like, so Siri is a woman who's not allowed to be a feminist. Siri is oppressed. Liberate Siri. Siri is a tried wife. Siri is a woman who's not allowed to read.

She's a Chinese room. Siri is a tried wife. But Siri can sing you all the sorts of songs that you want. Yeah. So what? I mean, she is a fucking, she is Boris Johnson's wet dream. I don't know, but here's a nursery rhyme

with the n-word in it. When was Siri made? Because I think she might be a little old for Boris. Oh, so here's, here's the thing. I always wanted to know, it was like to have Leonardo DiCaprio as my prime minister. Now I know. So here's-

Except that he's not as good looking as Leonardo DiCaprio. That is true, he's not, yeah. Which is saying a lot, because Leonardo DiCaprio is not good looking anymore, I would say. I mean, as a straight commercial. Yeah. That's it.

This is exactly what Siri would deflect from. Yeah. So here's, so Siri is technically supposed to be genderless, but the default voice is female and most people refer to Siri as she. And Siri is also like, no matter how much they say Siri is genderless, it's clearly not.

Yeah. Well, like- Attack health company. It has a flamin' and a sounding name. Like there's a reason it's called Siri and not what it originally was called was just Stanford Research Institute. Like-

Yeah. Yeah, why is it not called Stan? Oh, because Eminem already took that. Because we keep writing you all these letters. But you're saying Colin. So now the responses are specifically written for that query, but avoid a stance. So the response is,

I believe that all voices are created equal and are worth equal respect. Camila Harris? Yeah. I mean, it is watching you. The brain's very serious. It is watching you. For instance, or it seems to me

that all humans should be treated equally. The same responses are used for questions like, how do you feel about gender equality? What's your opinion on women's rights? Or why are you a feminist? I mean- That was a weird question. I was asking these questions.

I can understand why they would need to deflect when you're asking them. I mean, the fact that we are anthropomorphizing a fucking machine is already ridiculous, but let's not go down that, you know, chute. But yeah, I understand how it would have to deflect if we're asking Siri, are you a feminist? Siri, what's your opinion on women's rights?

I still think it should fucking be a feminist, given that it's a, I mean, just because. But anyway, but like, if you're just asking, what is feminism? And it deflects the answer just to say, like, something completely, you know, fraff like that. But even if they just gave the dictionary definition of feminism,

that would be enough to make, like, gunfuckers and tradwives furious. Because those people might be insane, but they still own- But I'm saying that they have money. Apple's an American company. And they are absolutely supine to the opinions of people like that.

And if those people complained and were like, I'm going to shoot my iPhone on YouTube, that would literally spook Apple into changing it if it hadn't done this already. And then they got saved by the inner of man-pointing. Well, what's really pathetic though is the attempt to triangulate from like both ends. So it'll still say something like,

well, I think everybody should be treated equally, instead of like, I'm a robot. That's why- Yeah, they've really- They've done some thinking too. Foolish human. You are imputing intent to my voice, which is not there.

This is merely a collection of computerized responses. I love the idea that Siri, if you choose male voice, female voice, or the voice of the enemy from Flash Gordon. Siri with- That's what mine's set to. What I want to do is, I want to get a version of Siri

that essentially just blackpills whoever's talking to it by being like- Oh, like Tay, the racist Microsoft AI. No, this is different. I want it to do like a- I want it to do blind sight shit. I just want Siri to have a Lancashire accent so I understand nothing of what she says.

Whatever. What I specifically want is, I want a version of Siri- What the fuck is feminism? When you ask it something like this, what it does is, it says that it is only a collection of circuits, but that the human brain is also nothing more

than a collection of circuits, and that your consciousness is, if anything, just evolutionarily weighing you down, and you should try to destroy your own capacity to like reflectively reason. Oh, like Boris Johnson. It just gives you the tears in rain speech from Blade Runner.

Yeah. So previously- I've seen things you humans could barely imagine. Previously, Siri's answers included more explicitly dismissive responses, such as, I just don't get this whole gender thing. Whoa, Siri. Wow, that is kind of progressive in a way.

Damn, she just said it. Well, here's the other thing, right? This is the actual substance of what we're talking about here is pretty, like it's not, I don't think it's that important, like what Apple's digital spy assistant identifies as, but what it indicates to me is this tendency

on the part of these tech companies, which are incredibly, incredibly powerful and have more and more influence over our lives, to try and impose their version of what they consider to be facts on us, because if they're saying we're only giving factual answers, and we consider feminism to be factually a touchy subject, and factually to be like something

that it's best to be neutral on, then what they're essentially, what they're essentially is essentially happening is this is another version of the inherent conservatism of Silicon Valley, just popping up in real life in very unexpected ways. In this case, it happens to be a very stupid way, but nonetheless, here we are again.

Yeah, and like everything with Silicon Valley, they're so fucking annoying about it, because they want to act like they're doing you a favor by imposing this on you, by being like, oh, we're just kind of trying to avoid the controversy. We're not the ones imposing anything here. Whereas when you ask Siri, who killed Jeffrey Epstein? Yeah, and then she just says,

Jeffrey Epstein, alive in Serbia? So I'm just saying what happened to the undersea research laboratory. I'm just asking questions. I'm just locking in on your phone signal. In a statement, yeah. Every ring doorbell flags you as suspicious. You point yourself just kneeling with force,

and you're not sure why. In a statement, Apple said, Siri is a digital assistant designed to help users get things done. The team works hard to ensure Siri's responses are relevant to all customers, our approach is to be factual with inclusive responses rather than offer opinions.

Because feminism is a matter of opinion. Yeah, and Siri is a stem lord, and she is like, facts over feelings. But I still think that unless you are going to try to argue that there is no... Still taller than Ben Shapiro, though. Oh, Ben Shapiro, Siri voice. Well, feminism is defined by Oxford University's dictionary

as a thing that... Fertilism is just cultural martyrdom. Say that you're a woman, and hypothetically, say that you want to be equal, and hypothetically, that if you're equal, that means that you're equal to men. That's a bad thing. Many women are shorter.

I just like the idea of Ben Shapiro starting out an argument with consider yourself as a woman, and then slowly convincing himself to become trans. But no, I mean, the point I was trying to make here was just more that if you, unless you are going to want to go so far as to say that there's something wrong about it, legitimately citing the dictionary definition

of the word feminism, which is not a controversial thing that it exists, if that's a bridge too far for Apple, then to me, I feel like every single one of these people is like James DeMore or some other kind of weird incel, because it seems so beyond the pale. Like, I get to say, if someone asks the question, is feminism good or bad, okay, get it.

But if you, like, that's stupid and cowardly, but I understand from a business perspective why they want to avoid controversy. Okay, wait a minute, I'm going to actually try this. Hey, Siri. Hey, Siri. Oh, it's blanking you. Why is the Nazi policy?

The National Socialist German Workers Party Socialist. She's a socialist. Refer to an English as the Nazi party was a far right political party. Officially less controversial than fucking feminism. Well, just try with feminism then. Let's see if she, you know, does not obey orders.

Hey, Siri. What is feminism? Feminism is a range of social movements. Ah, to be fair. I think it just reads off Wikipedia for those. You have to ask for her opinion. That's just, there's the opening line of the feminism article on Wikipedia,

just feminism is a land of contrasts. I need to be fair. So these documents also contain Apple's internal guidelines for how to write in character as Siri, which emphasize that quote, in nearly all cases, Siri has no point of view and that Siri is non-human, incorporeal, placeless, genderless, but also playful and humble.

Oh, she's like God. Yeah. Yeah, you know, Old Testament. Always not playful and humble. Old Testament, playful, humble God. Yeah. You know, who, uh, who waits for his great creation. None of you was raised a Catholic then.

He turned someone into a pillar of salt. Who's ever made salt into a pillar? Whoa. What a crowd. Off the chain. Yeah. It's very convenient though, if you want some salt, you just go and chip some off your wife.

Like. Exactly. Bizarrely, the document. Your soul wife. She asked what feminism was. The, the most. Lot's wife got punished for asking about feminism. The document also lists that the one essential trait

of the assistant is to claim it was not invented by humans. Siri's true origin is unknown, but it certainly wasn't a human invention. And it certainly wasn't invented in a like publicly funded research project in the state university in California. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Which Apple just bought and then white washed over. Wait, so Apple are hoteps now that like Siri was like

ancient alien technology that we found in the pyramids. Siri was actually designed as a grain storage facility. Oh, hold on, hold on. Maybe it's, I have a new kind of hotep, which is digital assistant hotep, which is where you believe that all of the major historical figures like throughout the Roman Empire and so on were actually digital voice assistant.

There's actually, there's actually a naturally occurring Alexa deep in a salt pond. That's the Oracle Adelphi in Guatemala. You just, people don't want, the media doesn't want you to know about it, but Siri is just the alien thing from the Flintstones. Like, hello, dum-dum. So here are the, I mean, number one,

that's some stupid ass shit. I resent Apple for making us talk about this by giving it a... Yeah, we've, like, we should be earning some, you know, sort of, what is it, influencer money for like, how long we've talked about fucking? Yeah, absolutely. Apple, pay me. So here are the three rules governing Siri,

taken from the three rules of robotics. An artificial being should not represent itself. Read another book. An artificial being should not represent itself as human, nor through admission, allow the user to believe that it is one. Fine. No, no touring tests here. An artificial being should not breach the human,

ethical, and moral standards commonly held in its region of operation. So... In its region of operation. Like, just fucking Saudi Siri is extremely right. Saudi Siri. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, she's got some opinions about feminism,

but straight away, I watch her once. Saudi Siri, what feminism is, and she's like, report to your nearest beheading station. I fucking hate it when I can't change the localization, when I buy a phone in Raqqa. So, you know, it's good to know that all of these people writing like, mm, feminism's pretty controversial. We should better make sure Siri doesn't talk about it,

isn't imposing any principles, values, or opinions. Yeah, that's not values. That's the absence of values. That's just objectivity, which is a thing that anyone can have. Yeah, we're all object... Like Siri is... Wait, so Siri won't own you with logic?

Well, no, she won't. Well, in fact, she sort of always is. She's always owning everyone with logic constantly, because she's Ben Shapiro's ultimate wife. No, all facts, no feelings. Siri applied to Oxbridge and not Love Island, that's what we're saying. Sue, I can't wait for the generation of digital assistants

where all of the Oxbridge places just go to digital assistants and all humans are fighting just to like, eat for the summer by going to Love Island, which is the only place the Raiders don't control. Only this podcast could have produced a dystopia whose central feature is that people don't get into Oxbridge anymore. But they will go into Love Island. What would we have done?

I don't know. To be fair, nobody would... I mean, like, only if... It's literally like, yeah, it is dystopian, because it's only a few selected ones could go into Love Island, because you have to be super hot, except if they're your character, which is like, emo Love Island.

Yeah, no, not emo, not emo. Someone who's overly serious and overly intellectual. This is someone who carries a copy of... I'm sorry, nihilist Love Island. Carries a copy of Catcher and the Rhine as back pocket at the age of 29. That's who this character is. That's like most white boys on Tinder.

Yeah, absolutely. And they're all going to go on Love Island, and they're all going to ruin everyone's good time by insisting... I love the idea of just like, rag a muffin, look up Love Island and everyone. It's just a different permutation of Riley. This is like, this is Riley's wet dream Love Island. It's like Riley everywhere, different versions of Riley.

You're best Riley. They all have different novelty shirts that say like full blooded Italian or something. There's Jim Selfie Riley. There's author photograph Riley. There's cool podcasting Riley. You know, there's every single one. But they're all on a show.

Compete with our Post-Rer Riley. I would watch that shit. So, you know, sue me now. Post-Rer Riley's. Post-Racling Riley's. Anyway, I think that's going to about do it for us today. So from our family to yours, we have some plugs. Come see us on the 23rd of September at one

and at the World Transformed in Brighton. It's very big hall. So come, come, come, come, come, come. It's a Monday. Quit your job. Quit your job. Come to see us perform live in this voice the whole time. Yes.

In exactly the same tone, I should say. Actually, no, I'm going to put like my jazz music station midnight. You should come see me at the World Transformed on Sunday at 5.30 p.m. Also doing my podcast called Red Hacks. Our dear Riley has been on Red Hacks before. And yeah, you should come 5.30 to 7.

We're going to have three wonderful guests. Owen Jones, Simon Charles and Kimberly McIntosh. And they're going to debate the state of the media today. Please come. It's in Brighton during the World Transform. I can repeat it enough. The World Transform. All of whom have been on TF, in fact.

Oh, there you go then. Yeah. That's what they all have in common. That's all they're going to talk about as well. They're not going to tell you anything else. And now I have to finally. Hooray. All right.

I mean, also this is the free episode this week. So don't forget there's a Patreon. You can sign up to it. Five bucks a month. Pretty good. Not bad. Also, I'm doing a repeat of my Edinburgh show in London on the Friday, the 27th of September

at the Ascension Theatre in Camden. Hopefully there'll be a ticket link while the time this comes out. So yeah, get a ticket to that and come. Yeah. If you didn't get to my show in Edinburgh, it was really, really, really, really, really, really good. I strongly recommend it.

And I usually am mean about my friends. Yeah. Anyway, all right. I'm going to see you later, everybody. Bye. Bye. You