TRASHFUTURE - All Emergency Services Suspended; Crime Still Illegal

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

The gang says goodbye to Matt Hancock MP, the fabulous app where we all met for the first time. Also, a real use for NFT's finally discovered. Mostly, though, we face up to a grim reality: the society of universal services that defined the postwar period has now fundamentally broken. Predictably, the worst people in the country are all scratching their heads and asking how it happened. If you want access to our Patreon bonus episodes, early releases of free episodes, and powerful Discord server, sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and Alice (@AliceAvizandum)

Hello, everyone, and welcome to this just doing the math in my 3-1, the first time that's been helpful. Thank you. Yeah, no problem. Yeah. Should do the thing that we started doing on Kill James Bond where I say it's the first episode of 2023 every time because I lose track and think it is. So it's the first episode of Trash Future of 2023, I assume.

Because you get hit on the head with that big brick at the end of every Kill James Bond. Yeah, I don't know why they do that. It feels rude to me. Well, the key is, you know, it must be for a good reason. They do remind you why they do that, then they hit you on the head with that big brick. Yeah. Ah, yeah, of course. Yeah.

Now, listen here, Bond, it's called a brick. You're going to... Oh, wait, no, that's a different QVC. No. Now, listen here, Bond, it's this ordinary brick, it looks perfectly normal. However, as you can see, it's made by the streetwear company Supreme. So I just wanted to actually celebrate the first, question mark, quote unquote, episode of 2023, as far as I'm aware, with this insane...

Ow, my head. No, there's been an insane development. There is a useful... I hate when there's an insane development. There's a useful NFT company that has an actual use. No. It only took how many years have we been hearing about these fucking things, but they did it. They made it real.

They've only got a real business out of it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I do not... Because of the brick. Yeah. The prophecy has come true. You know, it's like the exception finally has come along to prove the rule.

Would you like to know, Milo, Alice, I know you know what this is, Milo, would you like to know what the useful NFT startup does? So I'm currently trying to gauge how sarcastic you're being. No, no, no. It's useful. It's an actual use case. Right. Okay.

I would love to hear about it. So thank you for bringing this to my attention. You pay them $60 and then they buy any NFT for one cent and then you can book the loss on your taxes. Oh, okay. It's a seller of last resort. They will help you do a fire sale of your apes for upwards of a set... Well, not even upwards.

One cent only. Because... They will buy any ape. For a fee. We buy any ape. We buy any ape.com. So it's essentially because a lot of people who are doing cryptocurrency, we're just saying...

We're just saying, well, obviously, this isn't real money. It's not going to get taxed. And so anytime you would trade from like, you know, bonk coin to Shiba Inu to, you know, Elon Musk, Mars coin or whatever, that would be a taxable event. So you would rack up enormous amounts of tax obligations. And so now, if all of that has culminated and you buying, you know, several pictures of apes that are now worth pennies, you can at least offset some of your insanely huge tax burden by using this platform called Unsellable.

So we are doing a little banner drop behind us in the studio. Calling it Unsellable. Yeah. It's called Unsellable. Really like adding insult to injury, sort of rubbing it in. If anyone deserves to have insult added to their injury, it is these people. Oh, yes. No, we agree, of course.

$60. Yeah. The margin on that is crazy. Yeah. Surely you could pay them like $5 to buy what's nothing for one cent. And that's still a $4.99 profit margin they've got there. Yeah. Maybe we, we could cut, we could undercut these people so easily.

And maybe that's the thing. Maybe we could be the second effective, like financially effective NFT business. We will buy your ape. You could just go up to like any teenager and be like, hey, I'll give you $10 to buy this ape off me for a cent. I'd probably do it. Shut up, old man. Yeah.

Yeah. We don't like apes anymore. That was the start out at the time. We don't like apes anymore. Yeah. I'm just going to take the big sign that says... It's all macaques now. There's a big garbage can outside the back of the Trash Future studio that has big

signs that say Trash Future Oil Warehouse, Trash Future Derivatives Trading Shop. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And I'm going to put up a new sign. This one's definitely not going to get taken down. It is Trash Future Crypto Buyer of Last Resort. Yeah. Everyone was all excited about, you know, board apes this, board apes that, but no one ever

considered that one day we too would become board of the apes. Wow. There's one crypto short trader who I talk to pretty frequently. And one thing I have noticed in the crypto window guy is that what they've done is it's less and less about crypto market moving news and more and more about asking for wine advice. Oh, yeah. Those guys are going to like retire to the Coat de Rhone, right? And because we did a foolish thing, right?

We also predicted that crypto was a bubble that was going to like pop and all of this stuff was going to become worthless instantly. But what we didn't do and what we should have done is bet millions of dollars that that was going to happen because, okay, granted, we didn't have the millions of dollars, but it was one floor in this plan. If we had done that, we could have billions of dollars. Alice's five point plan to getting rich one, start with millions of dollars. Exactly.

Yeah. I find it probably would be very helpful. You know what I would love? If we had been able to like actually put some money where our mouth was into talking about these sort of phenomena of modern politics in the economy, we would have been able to do the thing where you can rent Lichtenstein for a night, like the whole country. You can rent the whole country like an Airbnb. Yeah.

Yeah. It's $70,000 a night. It's been available since 2011 and they'll like rename all the streets for you. Like they'll sort of have a parade in your office. See, that's really funny because that's the kind of thing that like crypto investors would have done like a year ago. You live in Lichtenstein. You have to like, I don't know, call an ambulance or something and you're like, oh, I live on,

I guess today it's crypto.com, Strasser. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm actually, oh my God, I'm having a heart attack. Please, I need to ambulance to the moon, Strasser, which is only marginally better serviced than in the UK now. I hate to live on Elon Musk, Strasser. Yeah.

I actually live on AMC kind. Yeah. So this is from an article in 2011. I've been obsessed with this for a long time, just the fact that you can rent a city. The principality of Lichtenstein makes itself available to private clients from $70,000 a night. That makes it sound like it's hooking. Complete with customized street signs.

It's a girlfriend experience. It's your base now. This is the Prince experience. Essentially. Because then you can issue your own temporary currency. Give you a purple shirt and a little straitcaster. And there's some bouffant hair. It says, again, I feel like we could undercut this too.

Like now I've just engaged business mindset. I'm like, we could undercut Lichtenstein so easily. Right. We're going to San Marino and we're going to go to them and say, right, what you're going to do is you're going to offer the trash future ex San Marino girlfriend experience. Sell it at like $60,000 a night and the money will just come rolling in. We take half of it. The San Marinese take the other half, you know, and then we can, we can retire with all of

your wine crypto short guys. I live on a, we a Swedish Italian. Yeah. For one night only. You, you, it's, it's possible, but you get like, this is what the sound like in a San Marino. Probably that, that in whatever accent. Whatever accent you get when you sell guns to Italians through a legal loophole, that's, that's the accent that you have.

Did I do that? Yeah. That's like, that's one of the main ways in which guns get into Italy is that San Marino has just said, guns are fine. You can buy guns here. Oh, well an Italian would never misuse a gun. Oh, of course. No.

I don't have any problems with that either through incompetence. Normalis would an Italian misuse a gun. Oh, it's never happened. Like Robocop over there. They've got prime directives about that shit. You know. Yeah. Find a pointed gun and a plate of marinara sauce just won't do it.

I'll have another couple of bits of old friends who want to talk about it as well. Remember, this is a while ago. Remember how Tony Blair's son started that education technology? I do. It made me really mad. Yeah. Well, it made me so mad. This is, this is report.

Because I, every time I feel like we have a friend, I create a little Google alert and I just like, anytime something happens with them, I want to bring it up on the show. I was like riding sat in a bunker and there's like a klaxon going off. Alert, alert. Ewan Blair has done some shit. I don't want to hang out in Hemel Hempstead with Ewan Blair and his dodgy company. And you'd say Ewan Blair. Sorry.

I want to. A buddy cop movie. Before we talk about what's happened with Ewan Blair's firm, Multiverse, I do want to send out a cry for help, which is that. Isn't this whole podcast one of those? In 2018, we were introduced to Andrew Tate by a video of him. He was writing down to us and very funny. By a video of him making a bet with one of his, you know, Cretanus fans that they couldn't

show him a good night out in the UK. He put out a call to all of his fans saying, you can, if you take me on a good night out in the UK, because I don't believe there's such a thing as a good night out in the UK. He's like, I've got 10,000 pounds in cash and I will pay for everything. But if I think your night out is shit, I get to knock you out. That was the, that was his challenge. All we have of that video is a short clip, which if we can find, Nate will play now. What do you mean who cares?

We have, I've told everyone in the world, we're going to fight. Yeah, and we'll fight because I'm not scared of you, mate. You're not going to just sit here and bully me and my mate. I'm not trying to bully you. We agreed. Well, yeah. All right. It's an agreement, mate.

And I will fight because I'm not scared of you. Let's have that now. Right? I'm not fucking scared. You just get out and just do this. I don't trust you either. You fucking worms. Give me your phone.

You're going to record this. It's your phone. Yeah. So you can't run off. Give me your phone. Listen. All right. Listen.

I'm not scared of you, mate. Listen. We promised you a good night. You tried. You didn't try. I tried. Listen. Listen.

Listen. Let me tell the camera. So listen, listen. Stay there. No kicks. No knees. No. Boxing only.

Punches only. Punches only. Let's go. All right. All right. Let me take my jacket off. Wait, wait, wait. First one to quit loses.

Yeah. Stay there. Stay there. Stay there. First one to quit loses. All right. My watch. Hold my watch.

Hold my watch. So if you please, anyone, if you have this video or a link to this video, they took him on a night out in Hemel Hempstead. This is archive work. We need this for posterity. Oh yeah. Or you know someone who knows someone. I believe the story culminated with him like falling asleep in a bathtub.

No, it didn't culminate with him falling asleep in a bathtub. That was three quarters of the way through. It culminated. That was a four act play. It culminated in him in front of his Mercedes with the guy who has now shown him a bad night about to get punched. The guy's like, wait, can you just take your watch off for a sec? And then he's like, okay, yeah, sure.

And when he turns to take his watch off, the guy just runs away. Now that is Sigma grind set. You can't say fairer than that. Yeah. I mean, you know what? We're on top G. Andrew Tate should have thought of asking the Romanian SWAT team if they could take their watch off for a sec.

I don't like to get arrested by guys wearing watches. I find it kind of soy. Yeah. Okay, man. Sure. Allow me to just turn away for a second while I do this. And I presume you're going to stay there eating your pizza. Yeah, man.

They're all victims. It's like the clone army in Seoul. Okay. Stand up committee. All right. All right. All right. So before we get into everything else.

I'm a fucking SWAT team now. You and Blair is EdTech for Multivorce has reported a sixth straight year of losses. Listen, any, any business that takes some time to get off the ground, right? You got to like be in it for the long haul. Just give them the rest of the decade. You know, maybe he'll come good on this. Maybe he'll make, you know, a VR headset that makes you good at apprenticeships or whatever. You know what they say, you got to spend money to lose money.

And boy, is he spending money. Yeah. Boy, is he good at spending and losing money. So just to remind you, in case you've forgotten what Multiverse is, it's attempting to create an alternative to university in general by offering what appear to be a series of zoom calls, getting you ready for apprenticeships. And a lot of it's a lot of it's written. Here's the thing.

I'm surprised that it's losing revenue because it's supposed to be funded by one of these like attempts by the Tories in the mid 2000s to fix British capitalism by like making everyone pay into an apprenticeship levy and then trying to like create opportunities to reprint. Obviously none of that works, but it's it's got its mouth on the state. Unlike the sort of legally mandated spending faucet. So it's astonishing to me that it hasn't actually made money. It's really fucking stupid to not make money. And that's in that situation.

Like a neck bone, like a goddamn big split. It wants that. It needs that. Like lips wrapped around the tap around the faucet, except somehow missing every single drop of water coming out of it. Like they're all going in like 50 different directions, like a dog with a hose. It just is like it's all coming out of the sides. Fantastic.

And for years. Yeah. Six straight years. It's just can't fucking do it. So I mean, I mean, he's fine, obviously, because all he had to do was show some investors, some, you know, guileless investors at pitch deck houses with like four swimming pools in the basement. Okay.

So moving on because we got a lot of stuff to talk about today. The last bit of Brick of Rack to discuss before we get into the startup and then the serious shit. Welcome to the audience after the end of every. Yeah. So I want us to say this is a dark day for a bizarre vanity apps the world over because not only is Jeremy Renner in the hospital, but Matt Hancock MP has announced that Matt Hancock MP will no longer be available on the app store.

I know. It's a bad week. Who would have thought? I was going to say autonomous as in named after oneself apps. But then I realized that sounds like autonomous, which is having one's own mind. Autiveness. They were just there. Yeah.

They were actually copyright infringing on Jeremy Renner and Matt Hancock. That was please. I just, who would have thought that like of the social media apps that we use most frequently, it wouldn't be Twitter. It would be Matt Hancock MP. It would be the one that would die in sort of like January 26th. It's just, I feel like maybe the fact is we all met on Matt Hancock MP. So my best friends.

Yeah. It was like, it was a subculture called like weird Matt Hancock MP had a lot of overlap with something. I was annoyed and everyone's like, Oh, Matt Hancock MP is the hell site. It's like, look, if you didn't want to be there, you wouldn't be on Matt Hancock MP. And I've had like, I've met a lot of really close friends to Matt Hancock MP. So I don't understand why people kept calling it the hell site. We will remember the day on Matt Hancock MP when Trump got COVID.

What a day that was. What a day that was. Matt Hancock MP. Great day of Matt posting. So what Matt, what Matt, I rematted so many funny memes that day. I matted so many people about that. Someone quote matted your Matt. Oh God.

Another ghost quote, Matt. Nothing to see here. Matt. The conceit of Matt Hancock MP, the app in this, in this bit, I feel is that you can only post using images or video of Matt. And then you have to like append whatever sort of like caption or vibe or filter you want to post. Yeah, that's great.

Matt Hancock MP running towards Trump, giving him the COVID, for example. Yeah. And so he said, again, this is a press release. Millions of little Matt Hancock's doing little flips over the lining of Trump's life. Doing one of those like heartfelt posts on the account of someone who died being like, this is his wife. Just want to announce that he lost his battle with Cansey. I don't know.

It's just a picture of Matt Hancock running. It's the picture of Matt Hancock trying to kick a football weird. Making his old school scrunch face. Yeah, of course. A perfect joke for an audio medium. Thank you. Imagine the face that I imagine the face he did. Alice got to see it.

Riley got to see it. Will you get to see it? You can imagine. That's all that counts. Use your mind. So I want to read what actually Matt Hancock wrote on Matt Hancock MP. I like that he announced it on Matt Hancock. I'm like, who's reading this?

Breaking. After almost five gloriously. Breaking this app. After almost five gloriously fun years. It's time to bid farewell to the iconic. And he put that in quotes. Matt Hancock app. A platform that has secured multiple exclusives, including Matt Hancock's

backing of Rishi Sunak for PM. Wow. What a scoop. A genuine question. Is Matt Hancock removing the Matt Hancock app? Purely because it's called Matt Hancock MP and he's not standing. Oh, yeah. And he doesn't know how to change the name.

Well, he doesn't, maybe he doesn't know how. And then it would be like. He just had a social media app dedicated to himself without being an MP. That would be much funnier. Yeah. The regular Matt Hancock app. The Matt Hancock just vibes. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. They've actually, they've let porn, but now he's done an MP. Post porn and the Matt Hancock MP. Pornie Matt Hancock app. Matt Hancock grinder. You have to wear a suit and tie in your profile picture. So if you want to follow Matt Hancock for your updates, don't worry.

He's still on TikTok and the press release that I saw. I saw this. I saw this press release. Like you can remat his tick mats. His Matt talks. I love doing. I love Matt talk. He's got his podcast.

Welcome to Matt talk. Watching Matt talk. He just started a podcast called Matt talk, which is primarily released on TikTok. It's weird for it to be about a private citizen. Yeah. But I love it. Yeah. But he's, yeah.

Although he's not just going to be a private citizen. He's going to be pursuing. We presume other opportunities. You can post any video, but it has to be of Matt Hancock. Well, he's, he's. That's right. So the press release, well, the Matt Hancock release, the Matt was rematted to several news outlets.

The Matt release. And one, I've been able to find of it. It looks like he may have misspelled his own TikTok at, but I can't confirm whether that's a transcription error or his error. So do be advised there. But before we move on to the startup, the thing I find so funny about the Matt Hancock and Matt's cries, right? Is that I just, I know, like at university, I know he was this extremely ambitious climber

who thought he was the shit, right? He fully believed he was going to be one of these guys who was trying to get out of easy total master of the universe, right? And he was going to do it the same way that like all of these sociopaths climbed the same shitty greasy pole from Oxford Union to like the parliament, right? And he did it. And for, and it worked for a little fucking while until and just, but just the fact that the fact that he was for so, it was a short period of time, grasped that brass ring of

and then just through sheer incompetence and horniness was reduced to eating camel dicks and making announcements on his own terrible app. You can pre, it happened on such a short timeline to like on average, Matt Hancock's time in government, you know, was vaccines fired. And then the rest of his life stretches out before him and it's like one long kangaroo piece. I think that's the right way to look at it, right? Which is he had everything he wanted, but was just marginally too stupid to keep it. Ozymatias.

It's like, it's like a sort of Greek moral fable. Too vast. You must have drunkless legs of stone and on the pedestal these worlds appear. I think if you want to have a caramel waffle, you can have a caramel waffle in moderation. You also can't overstate the role once again, as usual, like you can't overstate the role of the British press and deciding to play king maker here. Of course. Or king un-maker in this case.

But just that he came. King Matt. That he came so close to getting everything he wanted to being a respected sort of big beast of the Tory party. You might be called in and as over the elder years being elder statesman and to make himself into a an F level reality TV laughing stock. Yeah, it's delicious. It really is great.

And every single time he was going to try to get like, I don't know, like bought or whatever. It was like his pub landlord or like someone at the jockey club. It was just so fucking low rent. Yeah. Well, we have this to say to Matt Hancock. Come on the show. That's right. Britnology is waiting for you.

Look, we've gone for so long on our little ornamentation and window dressing up front. We got to do the startup friends. Oh, it's called feeder. Oh, no. No. Thank you. No. Padding shot of the keep dot com armory.

Is it is it a Bluetooth connected bird feeder? No, that's that's sort of like the first three months of the show kind of thing. This is very much maybe you went retro, you know, it can't be something actually useful. So it's going to be like because feeder suggests to me like a newsfeed like it's going to make the the TL from the hell site Matt Hancock MP. It's going to make that you everything, right? You just like log in to one browser, scroll through all of your social media.

You got Matt Hancock MP. You got Jeremy Renner. No, you're describing the program Matt sweet. Yeah. No. All of your mats from Matt Hancock MP dot com and then it prints them onto donuts and then it force feeds you them like the donut Homer Simpson machine in hell. Well, I'm going to you're just so close.

Neither of you are close. Neither of you. Neither of you are close. You fool. No, the tagline. Don't act. React. Don't Matt remat.

Don't Matt remat. How it works. Easy comma deep. How it works is easy. The king dot com armory once again. Easy and deep. Take it easy. Don't act.

React how it works. Easy deep. I think it's pretty self explanatory. Yeah. I mean, I've pulled one already. So no. Welcome to feeder the future of remote facial recognition in marketing. Wait.

Remote facial recognition. Yeah. You know how when you look at your phone, your phone is a little camera in it that recognizes your face. Sure. I always don't like that. Well, what this startup said is what if that camera interpreted your facial expression when you looked at certain ads?

Oh, good. We're doing this thing again. When I see a bad ad, I just have to make a massive frowny face as a sort of don't show me this again. You have to make a really big stupid. I kind of support this, right? If it leads to the ability to boo ads in public places or throw rotten fruits at them or like generally sort of have a bit of street theater about it.

I support that. This man rematted the man. He wasn't smiling when he did it. I think we have to be able to like make ad executives feel bad in new ways. That's a key priority for me going into 2023. And I think one way to do that is to be able to convey to them through analytics, a bunch of people looked at this and went, you did a bad job and this makes me unhappy. Oh my God.

Last night, we were at a pub quiz and as this is relevant, I promise. And as part of the pub quiz, they had like, what's the future of facial recognition in marketing? Feeder. It was weird. There was a note of Alice talking about people getting instant feedback. They had a caption competition where it was a picture of Keir Starmer talking to Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.

And he's doing like the kind of like chop hand gesture. The five finger point. Yeah. The Brecken point. Yeah. And like, so we were feeling pretty confident about this round. And so I wrote, anyway, I went for a parallel park, which with the rear reversing camera on the vector was a breeze.

And then the guy was like, well, we've picked a winner. This was by far the best caption. And then what he read out was, I used to be a lefty Lucy, but now I'm a righty tidy. And I've never heard such silence in all my life from like 50 people in a pub. And then he went, well, it was the best one. And I just went, no, it wasn't. So if you ran that pub quiz, you suck. And you should, you should consider getting feeder.

No. So I want to ask you both. Do you think that this is also an insanely transphobic product? I bet it is. Oh, it's got to be. Yeah. Of course. Alice, open your Twitter DMs.

Oh, God. I mean, first of all, that's a sense of self. This feels like a tampon advert. 100% female, 97% happy, 97% laughing. You go, girl. Okay. So what I'm being shown here is, as you say, a host of a woman on her phone that is emitting three sort of like graph bolts of lightning.

Which look a bit like the satisfying. Yeah. We'll show you how laughing, how happy and how female she is, which is, I guess it's nice that they've managed to express it as more of a spectrum of gender that you can be like, you know, 75% female today or something like that. You know, but I, how do you express laughter as a percentage? How loud are you? We're back to the ranger school thing where it's like 100% exertion is death.

Right. If you're 100% laughing, you are one of those guys who is like going to laugh so hard that you have a heart attack. Yeah. You get like, like the Stuttgart medieval laughing plague that killed thousands or whatever. Yeah. It's the funniest joke of all time, the Monty Python sketch. 100% happy, like sort of conjures up images.

You're Matt Hancock. Like, no, you're, what exactly? No, you're Buddha. At that point. You're Buddha. You've experienced sort of like perfect Dostoevsky and sort of like piousness. You're just like sort of smiling beneficently up at the prison warden. Yeah.

That amazing tweet about the like, no, take the Dostoevsky book away from him. He's going to come to a sense. And he's about the cruelties of prison. Like prison is smiling beneficently up at the warden. Warden. Oh, fuck. Well, yeah. What happened was I looked at this ad for a crypto exchange and now I've achieved enlightenment.

I'm just that happy. It says, it says, cool feeder analyzes the instant instant reactions of your audience while they watch your content. Our facial recognition system tracks user's micro expressions and measures their reactions to help your understanding of whether you're communicating effectively or not. Before launching your campaign. I walk past an ad and a big fucking thing flashes up that says clockability 100%. Great.

Thank you. I will not be purchasing your product. So you might want to know how this actually works, right? Our facial recognition system tracks your audience's micro expression delivering emotion-based data in real time. Macro expression. What percentage laughing are they? Yeah.

100% laughing. Oh boy. Each one of the micro expressions your audience makes in front of your content can't be faked and are unconsciously linked to one of the seven basic emotions, fear, anger, joy, sadness, contempt, disgust, and surprise. What ad are you serving? It's like going to give them... And of course, homosexual urges.

Yeah. A lot of people reacting to our ad had homosexual urges. Yeah. Boy, I really love this. Yeah. It just comes with a big klaxon and a loudspeaker. Anytime you walk past it, the text then just goes, homosexual urges. You're just looking like a soup advert and you're like, what?

Is this thing calibrated wrong or...? It goes loading soup into his mouth in a really seductive way. Oh no. Sorry. Sorry. We didn't have this hooked up to the sentiment measure. We had this hooked up to the homosexuality exaggerator. Why are there...

Why are there twinks bathing in the soup? Rubbing their nipples. What's going on? Our algorithm translates... Wait, so there's a twink in my soup. Our algorithm. Be quiet, sir. The backstroke, apparently.

Our algorithm translates each one of the emotions that your audience is feeling for your anger, joy, sadness, contempt, disgust and surprise. How are contempt and disgust so... How are two of the fundamental emotions of which there are apparently only seven and two of them are almost the same? It's based on some research. That's like pretty widely accepted. We have used these seven emotions. Research is pretty fucking stupid also, maybe. We have used these seven emotions to create eleven qualitative dimensions based on diverse formulas and parameters given by the emotions themselves.

The eleven qualitative dimensions, so there's seven emotions in eleven dimensions. Right, okay. Nine delights. The eleven qualitative dimensions are... Yes, there's seven eleven of emotions. You really do become the Buddha if you're 100% happy on this. This is... Well, there's attention, validation, engagement, charisma, intensity, inspiration, surprise, rejection, horror.

Horror? It's the horrifying ads. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's something like a Conradian moment. Scare and upset. Okay. I truly do love the...

Cosmic horror ad. An ad for a crypto exchange that if you look directly at it, you tear out your tongue and go mad. Yeah, you start saying shit like, where are we going? We don't need eyes to see. So on and so forth. And so what happens, right, is you have to ask, though, how does it turn on your facial recognition camera and start grabbing my facial features to see how turned on I am by the crypto exchange ad? There are a couple of ways.

They have a web app, so it's like you can send your campaign to your audience to analyze them, you generate a unique link, and then they'll go to a website that's like, we are going to take a picture of your face now and then you can use it for data, AB testing. Or you can do it on your own and then you control if you turn it on. And you can tell them in the privacy policy that everyone reads. Fortunately, this is one of those startups that like won a startup contest. So I don't think it's coming to a theater near you anytime soon. But boy is it a...

Are we just sort of looking at the proposition of, hey, what if we took that thing, you know, where like if you go into the store in the States and it has the like video screen saying what is or isn't in the cooler, the cooler screen, and it also takes a picture of you and measures your response to like, you know, the diet fresca or whatever that you're looking at the picture of. Seeing that the Mountain Dew has run out and experiencing cosmic horror. And yet also weirdly, 10% homosexual urges. Maybe if I seduce the stocking boy, he'll get me some Mountain Dew. So, right?

You're just really getting into some strange like metrics to track this as like, oh, you're experiencing, you know, 5% of disquiet or something. It's like... 3% on Wii. Yeah, it appears that looking at our ad for like a new sports drink has made you quixotic. What? Yeah, this bacon got me action cantankerous. It used to have to go into a store to get profiled in that way.

And this company is saying, what if we just extended that with the logic of e-commerce and you could get profiled sort of anywhere in the comfort of your own phone? Cool. Yeah. So, hey, fun, cool, but also horror, upset, scare. Yeah. I'm scared. I think it's cool that like the ads are now getting much weirder because of, you know,

being increasingly AI generated. So now you really got to have an ad that scares you. Disquiet to you. That gives you on Wii or gay thoughts. All right. All right. That's feeder. A fun little stuff.

One of the best places to find startups for this show is looking at like, what wins startup competitions and at like accelerators and stuff. Because that's where a lot of the mad ideas go. No, there's a pitch that begins. We all go to the supermarket and experience cosmic horror and homosexual urges. But no one has yet monetized it. It's time for the Britain portion of the evening. Because...

Alas. Dessert first, was it? This book is... You know how like this, we talked about a savory vape and then it came true? Yeah. Or at least by implication. The humus vape. Yeah.

Not that came true. That's overstating it. But by, let's say by implication, the market opportunity for it opened up, let's say, in Scotland maybe. Yeah. And someone accidentally had the same idea, but seriously. Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. Well, this is another thing we talked about on the show. This is sort of was the economist's idea, but it also has sort of come true. Which is that days after the economist praised Rishi Sunak for, you know, couching things like plans to deal with the small boats. Which is, you know, one of the most bloody political euphemisms of our time. He's building those ships in boats. That's what he means.

But saying that this is wonderful because it's couching a five point plan, which makes us feel nice. Rishi Sunak has now released a five point plan to fix Britain, which includes dealing with the small boats. I fucking love, because you've got the picture up here. I love Rishi Sunak's graphic design team. Well, like Rishi Sunak has a kind of like, he's trying to build the world's most boring cult of personality.

Because he started it with eat out to help out where it was like, have a meal on Rishi. And it's like a picture of him like holding a plate of food or whatever. Yeah, and then here we've got like his five points. And it's like him looking business like carrying a folder. And then at the bottom it says Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, which whenever I read that, I experience a bizarre, like out of body feeling where I'm like, oh yeah, he is the Prime Minister.

It feels like a kind of like a supply teacher that the other teacher just hasn't come back and no one's like asked any questions. Like, it just feels like he's not Prime Minister, but he is. I'd forgotten about the fact that there was a Prime Minister entirely. I thought we'd left it vacant. I mean, what if you made it strange because the like the vibe is so much like Prime Minister nerd is here to give us all extra homework, which he just did. By the way, he made us like, like you have to take maths to like 18.

Now you have to take a math say level. So like first thing of the year is more homework. Rishi Sunak, I did maths a level and I do this for a living. Think on it. Also, I hate to say it for everyone who has that dream, but it will be true that we will, that you will be forced to retake math. You actually have to go back to a level to do a maths a level. You're going to have to do a maths a level.

And the dress code is that you're in your bathrobe. You're putting half the country in a never been kissed style situation where they have to go back to high school to compete one class. Compete, complete. And that's the thing. 21 Jump Street. It depends on what reference you want to reach for. You could do Billy Madison if you want.

You could do any kind of a back to school. You could be a danger field. All of streets in Lichtenstein have been renamed 21 Jump Street for the day after Rishi Sunak. It's very confusing for the postman. I'm having a heart attack. I'm on 21 Jump Street. So the is also just half of them at 22 Jump Street.

So okay for the film, the the actual five point plan he has. I mean, you might say this design goes to why you say it doesn't really feel like he's Prime Minister, partly because I think is he's more powerless than usual. Like a lot of them are pretty powerless. He's more powerless than usual. Here's his plan to fix the country. He's going to have inflation. How?

By what mechanism? Maths. This is the thing. We get enough, we get enough like 18 year olds together, right? And we get them to do math today level. Enough of them will get good grades that we can use them as sort of like human computers, like Dune style, like Mentats. We just network all of them together.

They're going to find a way to figure out how to do inflation. Yeah. I mean, if you want to have inflation in your Rishi Sunak, the best thing you could possibly do is get a job on the monetary policy committee in like Washington. That's how you're going to read it. If you could be in John Malkovich into Jerome Powell, you could probably fight inflation that way by choosing not to raise rates, by the U.S.

not choosing to raise rates. Because like not only does the British government not really have much direct power over the interest rate, the fucking Bank of England doesn't really have a lot of direct power over inflation. It's mostly the U.S. It's time to sort of take him hostage die hard style. You know, that's the policy. That's what we're announcing.

Seize control of the Federal Reserve. Yeah, yeah. We have a military, aren't we, still? Yeah, yeah. We could like, let's get the guys from SAS who dares wins or the guys who are doing the bins in that one town or whatever. The SAS guys. Yeah.

We've got to make a monetary policy intervention. Yeah. Send the SAS to go and fix the monetary policy. Funny May, fucking weird name. Yeah. On your go for funny May once. Economy growing. So again, how are you?

How? What are you going to do? What are you going to cut? Like, line guys up. Not going to spend anything on anything. Well, that's all rolled up my sleeves. I'm going to bend down and I'm going to bend the line back up. Yeah.

Debt falling. Again, how? How's that going to happen? But we're also, while spending less and having the debt fall and also not having inflation, we're also going to reduce waiting lists. What he is that he has presented a series of things that I don't know, I guess would be nice if they happened, I suppose. And so this is my plan is for these four things to happen.

And then another thing, which is passing laws to stop the small boats. So mostly stuff he doesn't have the power to do, except one thing that he sort of has the power to do, but that would be bad if he did. And then would probably get overturned by the courts anyway. Maybe. It's fun. Yeah, we're going to reduce NHS waiting times. We're not going to pay the nurses more or employ more of them.

No, no, no. But what we're going to do is we're going to, we're going to email them every morning with a target of how many people they should nurse that day. And then if they don't meet the target, then they'll get another email informing them that they've not met the target. And we're pretty sure that that will resolve the problem. Honestly, this country just like, it just, it makes you feel like you're going insane.

I read a thread by a guy like a doctor who'd worked in the NHS for 30 years the other day, just explaining things I basically already knew about how like when you cut the NHS and social care, then what happens is a bunch of old people who could otherwise be at home are in hospital beds. But what I didn't know was that something like 33% of all hospital beds have fit for discharge patients in them because there are no social care services in which to discharge them in like the biggest bed crisis the NHS has ever had.

And I'm like, it just like, it makes you want to have a word with Ted Kaczynski. Like this. Yeah, 100%. And so this is what he said, right? He says, I have five promises. Those are the five promises. They're going up against the 10 pledges. We'll see how they do.

I'm only going to keep one of them. It's nine of the good ones. He's described it as a plan. It's not a plan. It's not even five different. That's five goals, which you haven't said how you're going to do. It's not even goals. It's sort of wishes.

It's a five point Santa's list. It's a letter to Santa. It's because so many of these just basically depend on what the Fed does. Because I think we've talked about this before, but it's worth. It's worth mentioning again, which is that one of the ways in which the U.S. deals with its inflation is by having the global reserve currency. It just exports it. What it means is because so many other things are denominated in U.S.

dollars, other countries just end up buying more U.S. dollars at times of price inflation. The U.S. currency stays pretty stable and their inflation rate stays pretty low. It's just at the expense of literally everybody else. There's so fucking little we can do as not the global reserve currency. It cannot be overstated, really. There are things we can do, sure, but it's one of these things. We can tinker around the edges.

We can do what we do. We can make changes for sure. A great thing to do would be to bring down the fucking energy prices. That's doing a huge amount of it. That's the one thing they refuse to do anything about. Why? It would be so simple to build green energy, to nationalize any of it, to attempt to address arguably the biggest striver of the cost of living crisis

in this country, which is going hand in hand with inflation. It's like you're being mauled to death by a bear. I wish we could do something about this situation without, of course, addressing the fact that we're being mauled by a bear. That is the one red line which I'm open to reading a book. I'm open to calling into a drive time radio show. Hell, I'm even open to watching something on Amazon Prime, but the one thing that we will draw the line at is making any attempts

to get this bear off of our leg and or balls. We will not do that because it's not right to do so. But it's important that the bear is on my leg and balls, mauling them because, you know, if it wasn't there, it could be worse. I could be experiencing horror. I could be experiencing homosexual urges. We could make the problem much worse by removing the bear from our balls and leg. Legally, there's nothing wrong with experiencing homosexual urges.

They're perfectly fine urges. That's just the sort of thing that he might think. Morally, we make no comment, but legally. Legally, these days, you can't stop them. Oh, boy. He says further, no tricks, no ambiguity. We're either delivering this for you or we're not. And I think I know which one of the two of those it's going to be.

It's an easy one to call for the bookies. As you say, the one thing that can have something of an effect, they won't think of it like what the US dollar does is kind of the ocean in which we are sailing, right? And then what we do with the ship is how we navigate that ocean. They're doing the one thing that will stop us from there. They're preventing us from doing to have another metaphor in here. They don't want to steer away from the iceberg, which the ocean is kind of pushing us towards.

Yeah, and there's a bear on the iceberg. He's carrying your balls and leg. And the bear is having homosexual urges now. Now, when does he reach Poughkeepsie? Yeah, that's right. So they say we will either be delivering these for you or not, which is a great political slogan here. Let's find out together.

And if not, you can vote us out, which you are going to do anyway. We all remember when Tony Blair said, education, education or not. Or not if you feel like it. Feel free to say no. It's American flags for others. It's such a running out the clock thing to do. It's like, we know we're going to lose in 2024.

Therefore, this is what we might do it. Maybe if we feel like it, we'll see if we get the time in. Sort of second to last day of term, you know? It says, we will rebuild trust and politics through action or not. Or not. Or not. Probably not. It's really funny to say, or not after the platitudinous one,

the one that they can't really say if you've done or not. They're still like, oh, maybe we won't. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, stay tuned. Maybe we won't restore trust in politics. Maybe it will just stay this bad forever. We will conduct ourselves in office with dignity and honor. Or not.

Who knows? Maybe we'll have an orgy and sell the pictures to the Daily Mail. I don't know. Hey, maybe we'll get bored in there and try and do like an asshole measuring contest. Yeah. Maybe I'll make all this bad suck me off. Who knows?

So, can't say for sure. It's me, Prime Minister James A. Caster. Okay. I'm going to steer us out of this recession or not. Let me tell you, I'm definitely going to do it, unless I don't. James A. Caster losing confidence very suddenly. Let's crack on or not.

Let's crack on. Unless you don't feel like it. Let's crack on if I feel like it. Because ultimately, right, the thing that this is basically about is the NHS, which is the thing that everyone who's been like concerned about, for example, We're going to give you a cancer operation or not.

Why don't you just turn up and find out on the day? Let's crack on or not. So, the thing that sort of, I guess we have been, we've been talking about sort of since we've been doing this show, the thing that anyone in Britain who's been paying attention for the last, again, what do you want to call it, 40, 12, 6, whatever many years, right, has been saying is at some point,

the fact that every single year there is a winter crisis that only seems to get worse, indicates that the free at the point of use healthcare system, which everyone seems to fucking love, is going to be no longer functional at all. The thing that we were warning about, that all those people have been warning about, that we've talked about before with like various doctors and other people,

has now happened. It's not happening. It's not about to happen. It is currently happening and also has happened. When COVID first came up, right, we had an episode of we said that what we sort of foresaw is that the way that we are managing, the way that Britain is being managed,

the way that as well a lot of companies are being managed in addition, is the idea of someone now just walking off a precipice and not falling because they haven't yet looked down. Well, they looked down, and then all the bombs in their pockets have already exploded, and what's happened is some of the goo is now hitting the floor. Yeah, and also the bear is licking up the remains of their dick and balls. Who was right out?

Liz Truss, because if you recall one of her tweets, she forgot to type in a word and she said, Britain will be ready to hit the ground from day one. And 2023, have we not hit the ground day one? Just like revving up my motorcycle into a cloud of dust to reveal me lying completely dead on the ground. Yeah, that is Britain. It's so insanely dispiriting,

and particularly the NHS thing. That's just been the straw that has broken the camel's back for me, because it's such a baseline function of a society. We agreed this at some point in the 20th century that if you accidentally cut your arm off or whatever, trying to open a tin can with a hammer... Trying to fight this bear. Yeah, trying to fight a bear.

If you did that, you could call someone and they would take you to a hospital. And now we've degraded things at long last to the point where finally you can pick up the phone and be like, ah, my arm's off, and they'll be like, sorry about that, but no. A recorded message will be like, hello. Press one for arms.

Press two for legs. Press three for any other inquiries or billing. The only difference is now it is, press one to receive a text message with what to do if your arm has been torn off. Oh, yeah. Then you get a text message saying, don't do that. Yeah, that's the new advice now for those of you in America.

The developments with the NHS has essentially been that because of years, decades in fact, but years more acutely of underfunding, because the scars caused by COVID were not fixed, but also because of things like PFI, where I read a statistic today, in fact, that for 50, we have now accumulated, but again, student loan style,

300 billion pounds of interest and servicing charges on 52 billion pounds worth of infrastructure projects. Amazing. Wow. More than just that, right? More than just that. That what has happened is there is just an unwillingness to keep the service working.

There's an unwillingness to remove the remoras that have attached themselves to it, such as as well the staffing agencies, right? Yeah, of course. There is an unwillingness to do anything about that. And again, this is bipartisan, of course. Unwillingness to do anything about that, which has resulted in headlines in the press,

saying over 500 excess deaths now being recorded on, I believe, a weekly basis, because of just the fact that if you call an ambulance and you're having a heart attack, one may get to you in time to pronounce you dead. Fantastic. Which is handy, because if you're dead, you want people to know.

It's a fun thing to announce. It's kind of like a gender reveal. It saves a lot of time, yeah. Yeah. And having the ambulance service sort of post my death on TikTok. It's like, I'm like totally dead in one of the ambulance crews doing like a default dance

over my body. The ambulance service rematted my mat talk of me being dead. Yeah. He should have stayed Health Secretary forever. You know, he might have killed your nan, but we would have got Mat Talk's mat talk death announcement. Mat Hancock, like dancing and pointing to some texts that's like, remember to remat your death mat on mat talk.

You know, at the same time as, again, there is these historic, again, when I say historic, it's not, the Royal College of Nurses to remind everyone has never gone on strike before, ever. They have not done it, and they're doing it out of desperation to protect the service in which they worked and make it, keep being a going concern.

Well, I heard they're doing it because they've suddenly become greedy. For the first time in their history, they've suddenly been overtaken by a kind of a stroke of avarice. They've suddenly become King Midas himself, lusty. Not to become too, like, rejoining acts about this or anything, but does anyone remember how, if you went to hospital back in the day,

a solid proportion of the staff were from the EU and just living in the EU. What happened to all those guys? I assume they stage, right? Oh, yeah, I assume we made it very easy for them to stay, obviously. They threw a parade in their honour in Liechtenstein. They took all the money they got from their agency wages and their strike funds,

and they've taken over Liechtenstein to celebrate. That's right. They're all living on 21 Jump Street now. The background of all of this, right? High on the hog on tax payers' money. The background to all of this, again, is a Labour Party that is confidently promising to do nothing, right? In fact, I think this is a policy announcement designed...

Don't worry, we're not going to do anything. For the last 12 years, we've seen successive Conservative administrations do things, and what has that done? It's made it worse, which is why my promise to you is to learn from those mistakes by not doing anything at all. I will be completely inert.

I will be encased in a plexiglass chamber 24 hours a day where I will sit perfectly still, not moving even slightly, apart from the absolute minimum amount of motion required to breathe and conduct other necessary bodily functions. I will be as sedated as possible, and I will not speak or interact with anyone other than perhaps blinking if my eyes become too dry.

This summer, David Blaine pulls off his most incredible stunt yet. David Blaine is his stuff. Yeah, for years. So, the response to this, right? Which is a very, you might say, obvious problem that the government is... The government's solution is just we're going to solve it by wishing, and we're going to...

Well, the wizard's coming back. Yeah, or we're going to continue... Basically, we're going to continue funding these things, but we're not going to address the fact that most of the funding goes to not the provision of health care, but to other things. We're going to increase... They say things like, you can always tell if someone's lying to you with a big number

because they emphasize how big the number is. We're putting 14 billion pounds into the NHS. It's like, great, cool. Where's it going? Is it enough? Is it enough for growth? Is that a lot by NHS standards? I don't know. Apparently not, given that I'm still on the phone with the legs department. Yeah, and that they've completely closed the bear control department. They don't even have a dick and balls department anymore

because everyone's been eaten by that bear. So, Starver has now said, Labour is promising to not spend their way out of the mess left by the Tories. Oh, my God! That's the only way out of it! That's the way that you get out of the mess that you got into by not spending enough! What the hell? It's like...

I'm having a stroke, which is very bad because the stroke department has been closed. How the fuck do they think that it... There's one thing that's bleeding, just crying out, just so obvious, is that all of these problems have been created by either not spending enough or spending money on the wrong things. And how can your response to that possibly be,

we will spend less? Well, I'm glad you asked, Milo, because he actually... I've transcribed... Yeah, he has a five-point plan on why we can't do this. So, what this has devolved into is two strange and off-putting robotic men accusing one another... No, strange robotic men both put into place by the press, by the way.

It's two rumors bouncing off of each other, angry. No, but pointing fingers at one another and accusing each other of empty sloganeering, and they're both right! Yeah, it's like you won't drink from the puddle because you're gay all over again. Is the answer gonna be, we can't spend our way out of it because we can't afford it, right?

Because we don't have enough money. Because if only there was some way, some idea someone had had about the period of the fucking Indus River Valley civilization for how a government might generate money, might obtain some of that money. Maybe, maybe just a thought. It's just an idea, right?

Two ideas, right? Number one, you could print some of it. There's inflation, that's a whole other thing, fine. Maybe we don't want to do that. Or if you look and you see that there are people who are putting fucking climbing walls and swimming pools on their mega yachts in your society, maybe you could ask nicely to take some of their money!

You could do that, you could raise taxes on the very rich, even just the very rich, right? Just that, just a crumb of tax. And then you could take that money and you could spend it on making sure that the fucking stroke department opens again. Because I'm going to need it in a minute. Well, I'll tell you this,

is Labour does have a kind of version of that plan? Too dumb to figure out a policy that was pioneered by people building houses out of mud bricks. Like... I'm going to tell you exactly a couple of things. Doing the medieval podcast and at the end you get hit on the head with the mud brick. It's like a prehistoric podcast.

It's like my guys are planting fields of sesame and like emet barley next to the fertile Crescent. And I'm going, man, this is fucking great. Wish I could take some of that barley, but I don't want to be rude. And I can't spend my way out of this problem. Meanwhile, the Sea Peoples are cresting in the hill. What we're doing is we could basically just swap everyone's names out with like Usher Bonnipole or whatever.

And we would still have a relevant complaint to make about like, you know, temple management in the Neo-Assyrian Empire. I will not make any changes to the Code of Hammurabi. I believe it is set in stone, quite literally. Oh, it's clever. Yeah. Thank you very much. But this is... Labour has said two things.

Number one, they've said... This is how we... This is a story where I transcribed this, being asked a question about how he's going to get public services to do more with less. He says, the way I see it is, if a party wins an election and sets out its program for change, then it has to answer how the question, the question of how it will be delivered. Oh, fuck me, dude.

If a train leaves Cincinnati at 60 miles an hour, answer a question for what? Sorry, I just... I don't think you can deliver it all through the state, and I don't think you can deliver it all through the market. But what we've put on the table is the partnership model, which is exactly what the governing consensus has been more or less forever. What we've put on the table is everything that we've ever done before

that has led us to the point where, in Britain, you can no longer be assured that the state will work hard to save you if you have a heart attack. Years and years of unquestioned thing of where, okay, the market can't do everything, therefore, the state will do the minimum, and the market does almost everything. And that's sort of... We've navigated this successfully.

That's survived constant challenges only meaningfully from the right. It's only ever been meaningfully challenged by, like, Thatcher and Liz Truss going, no, the market should do 100% of everything. And the result is misery. And Keir Starmer goes, yeah, more of that, please, because I'm the sensible, continuity candidate.

And, like, the problem is, all of this shit ratchets up to the extent that, like, the NHS wasn't that bad. It wasn't anywhere close to this bad 10 years ago, right? Or, to be honest, but before COVID. No. But, like, people should, by rights, be able to remember that. People who aren't getting hit with a brick after every episode, like me.

And yet, for some reason, I don't know, maybe the brick's imbued with some sort of magical property, but I remember that and no one else seems to. And yet, Keir Starmer doesn't even want to go back that far. It's not even back to, like, the NHS of 10 years ago, having, for a friend, 20 years ago. It's... No, it's the NHS of six months before this, when everything was about as bad,

but it wasn't under quite enough stress. We're not going to replace any of these Jenga blocks. We're just going to, like, sort of rebuild the pile on top of the ones we've pulled out and hope that that's fine again. What he's do is proposal is that, again, like, 11 hours into the CIA interrogation in, like, Egypt, Keir Starmer is saying,

we're going to give the NHS some coffee to wake it up. Yeah. Basically. Yeah. He says, but he says, what we've put on the table for his public service delivery is the partnership model, where an agile, active state works in partnership

with the private sector to deliver services together. An agile state. It's time for Matt Hancock to come back to the park of the state. Felines. If you could just put this text and then just say David Cameron said it and you would fucking believe it. Yeah.

This is just what David Cameron said. This is just what every single, like, everyone more or less since Blair has said this, and only just now, only just now, are your sort of mainstream guardian journalist people, your Sky News presenters, whatever, only just now are they starting to sort of take a step back and say, oh my God, austerity was terrible.

What did we do to deserve this? To which I wish to respond to these various journals and news presenters and stuff to say, we did nothing to deserve this. What did you do to deserve this? Yeah. This is the thing. You look at any of their posts,

like any sort of, like, mainstream journalist or columnist or whatever, who is like, I can't believe things have gotten this bad. And the replies are all full of, like, left-wing Twitter people with Simpsons avatars who, you know, some combination of us and Mutuals with posting screenshots of them saying in 2019 or 2017 or 2015,

it is vital that things become this bad. Yeah. Either in order to stave off Jeremy Corbyn or in order to introduce sort of, like, needed efficiency or to get Brexit done or whatever the fuck. Yeah. OK.

Congratulations. You have the Britain you wanted, which is governed by 50% of the rules from the Purge. All emergency services suspended, crime still very much illegal. Yeah. Because you can decide your own community punishment now.

Oh, yeah. By the way, by the way, if you want to know what another thing they all agree on, right? Because they all agree that what you have to do is, you know, give this person being mauled by a bear the right motivational speech and they will become unmauled. Right? They also agree that there's now the Tories and Labour

and the run-up to the election. You're going to see this basically for the next 12 months is they're all ratcheting up their crackdown on antisocial behavior, what they're doing and what they're promising. So because now Michael Gove has been announced as the head of the crackdown working with Braverman and Dominic Robb to, I don't know,

like, install the mosquito device in every teenager's bedroom. Grassy cop, Dominic Robb. He's going to personally grab these teens and show them a good hiding. The most antisocial bunch of cunts in the entire nation are going to, like, we're going to fucking put the bomb implant some suicide squad on every teen. Maybe, you know, Gove, Braverman and Robb will end up,

you know, actually really growing to love a youth group of teenagers and end up coming together to save the community centre. Maybe that's the sore thing. Well, see, this is the thing, right? I mentioned earlier at some volume that there are, you know, two ways for the government to raise money, which is print more of it or tax it.

There is a third one, which is put on a show that raises exactly the right amount required to save the NHS. Enter a dodge for competition. That's right. And so a modest proposal, I think, that maybe if you want to have any chance of getting an ambulance anywhere

or getting a train anywhere or any kind of public service, really, whatsoever, get dancing, you know? It's time to make it happen. Key dancing. And a one and a two. So I'm very intrigued by the concept of if we suspend all the emergency services.

We've talked about the NHS triage phone, like automated phone system. I want to hear the police automated triage phone system, like press one for gentlemen, press two for ladies, press three for altercations, press four for a fracker, press five for penalty charge notices. And you basically get this.

I mean, you try getting a crime reference number now. This is what you get. So fantastic. Press six, four, nothing to worry about, sir. Just questioning some people suspected of being involved in narcotics. The thing to always remember is mostly, mostly what they do is their job is to make it a,

is to be a part of the system for claiming on your insurance if you get robbed, that makes it illegal to lie to your insurance company. Yeah. If you're calling in reference to a thumbs in StabVest, StabVest. StabVest. StabVest.

Yeah, my favorite scene in Master and Commander was when the guys got StabVest, StabVest tattooed on a circle. That's right. Yeah. Please press six. So finally, right? What is labor's sort of big NHS saving plan? Oh, that is great.

How many points does it go? Only one point. They're going to, they are actually going to do a kind of parody version of what Alice said, which is how you just fund a public service to deliver a public good, which is they are going to abolish non-dom tax status,

which again is a good thing to do. It's a good stop. It's a good thing to do. Oh, they're starting to rebadge it mostly, but they're going to raise some money by changing. When rebadged, you're full. I'm not driving in my metro. Try it.

I'll just speak over you. Going to rebadge it from a non-dom status to switch status. But essentially, right? It's going to become a key of pecans. This is one of these things, much like the top rate of tax, which like doesn't actually bring in a lot of money. It's more sort of symbolic.

But it's one of these things that allows some people to grow fantastically rich. Right? They're going to abolish this one thing, and then they're going to use that to fund like some thousands more training spots for doctors and nurses. Oh, cool.

That's okay. Are they going to raise the wage? No. No, no, not at all. Are they going to also train more doctors who will then move to Australia immediately? Yeah. Are we going to look at the fact that

staffing agencies will charge sometimes up to three times as much as the wage for directly employing a doctor? No, we will not do that. Are we going to be looking at the fact that under some PFI contracts, if you want to change a light bulb in a hospital, you have to call capital,

ask them nicely and bribe seven guys? No, we're not going to do that either. Are we going... The Soviet Union, but shit, and expensive. It's incredible. Are we going to... Additionally, or even this, are we going to realize that

a lot of the salary burden in the NHS doesn't go to the healthcare provider. It goes to the healthcare exaggerator, to the healthcare measurer, to the person who's looking at the doctors and trying to make them more efficient or whatever. Are we going to address that? Crucially, this is something that

whenever funding of the NHS comes up, it's always talked about in terms of waste and bureaucracy and big government. But as you see most clearly in America with the whole insurance complex, this is purely capitalist waste. It is purely waste imposed by the market. It's a market bureaucracy.

The government has very little need for it, very little to do with it in either case. And yet, every time it gets wheeled out as NHS bureaucrats. And it's like, no, why do you think it needs all those bureaucrats? Because you made the NHS have 50 different in-partnership widths

with fucking capitol, carillion, or companies that are just names that exist to skim off the top of changing the fucking light bulbs. Or, right, not just that, but that you've also said, okay, look, we're not going to run these. We're going to have them at arm's length,

which means that they have to get their funding by running like businesses, which all of a sudden means that the practice of healthcare, which is like... People getting cancer is a fucking terrible business. Okay, they keep doing it, but it's not a very financially rewarding proposition if you want to treat them for it.

It's almost as if that's a fucking terrible idea for a business. Listen, it should be some kind of a... Maybe it should be some kind of a... If you make wigs. So, no one can say if it's good or not. So, in fact, what the case is, right, is that, and not just that you're managing

your partnership with Capita, but also you're incompetent. You have to make sure that you're the choice for patients so that you can then meet all of your ratings requirements so that we can enable people to quote-unquote choose where they go get their arm reattached. All of these ideas are things

that are completely unassailable and that I've hastened to add. All of the people currently loudly bemoaning the situation we are in... I'm looking at you, Satham Sangara. All of those people... Oh, my personal enemy, Satham Sangara. All of these people, right,

they've just now noticed and they're never going to actually notice because it was convenient for them then and it's embarrassing for them now. Kiyostama's in the pocket of the powerful wig lobby. Dave's wig shopper paying off Kiyostama. It's just like, it's such a fucking libertarian mind screw.

The idea that, like, yeah, there's a rational consumer out there, right, in all of us, and the rational consumer is the guy who has his arms sewn back on the wrong way because he got a deal on it. Yeah. He went down to, like, you know,

Courtney's in and out hospital, where... He got backwards elbow. He went down to, I'll have a look, down in Plumstead. I'm not an orthopedic surgeon, but I'll take a look. I want to look.

I like to, everyone knows, you all know, the listeners know, Nate, the editor, knows. He'll be editing. Hi, Nate. He knows. He knows that I like to keep these things in an hour, but after that,

I just wanted to... It's a heated hour and I think we need to, like, I want to cool us off by reading a little piece in the telegraph by Celia Walden. Yeah, we're all going to have some orange slices in water and just, like, take a few minutes.

Yeah. This is... Stay. Just, I think, like, everyone, everyone in the British commentary or at least a bunch of them must have just, like, had a really intense New Year's because some strange columns have been afoot.

If you were to measure my reaction... If you were to measure my reaction, I would be cosmic horror. This is by Celia Walden. I'm, like, disconcerted 25%. I'm 100% laughing, actually. Yeah. Kind of desire for orange slices,

17% and growing. So, this is in the telegraph by Celia Walden. Of course, Gen Z won't make New Year's resolutions. It would involve actually committing to something. I mean, no, it doesn't. Yeah, I mean, that's why everyone stays at the gym. That's right.

Yeah. Welcome to January, the world's most annoying month if you go to the gym all the time. A lesson from the generation so ruthlessly committed to austerity and bigotry that it's not only is it lying on the floor, unable to call an ambulance, but unable to call any of their relatives

because they were transphobic to them. So, here's how this article opens, which I remind you says... Of course, Gen Z won't make New Year's resolutions. Use the word resolutions. The first line. You can't say resolutions anymore. These days...

Yeah, the Matrix copyrighted it. Woke culture. You can't even... You can't say it. Say you're going to go to the gym and then not. When people have my... You can't resolve to do anything anymore. It says, when people have my age,

tell me I can't say things. I always ask why. And I keep asking why until what little logic there is dries up and the reducers... Till I am arrested for incitement to racial or religious hatred. This is like what a three-year-old does. It's just keep asking why over and over again until someone devolves into madness.

So, last week, however, this tactic failed. Unfazed by my whys, so basically unfazed by me being incredibly annoying and intrusive, the 20-year-old daughter of a friend explained how big goals, clean slates, and reset buttons don't just put us under unnecessary pressure but also imperil our mental health. And again, this just...

To me, this just... There is just this scene. It's alien versus predator here, isn't it? I can tell I find both these people annoying. But even then, even then, right, it is just this scene of one person who, again, thinks, I think, not unreasonably, that putting yourself under quite a bit of pressure

to perform some arbitrary task by a deadline, if you could just make yourself life a little nicer by not doing that, trying to explain that to a fucking telegraph columnist at a Christmas event where alcohol is probably being served. Trying to explain anything to a telegraph columnist, to be honest with you, like the fact that the Earth revolves around the Sun,

you know, gravity, any of that stuff, I think, would be quite trying. So Celia Walden is aghast to find out that what young people are doing now is rather than trying to beat themselves up into doing something by an arbitrary deadline, are just setting New Year's intentions, which, of course, has angered her

at a column... New Year's vibes. At a column level. It's one of those things, isn't it, where one gets a column level anger. Like one guy has said this, and she's like, ah, everyone under 20 is doing this now? I hate to say it now.

Of course, far better to intend to do something, what with it not being so much of a low expectation word as a no-expectation word? A cursory Google. Famously, mimetically, no one kept the New Year's resolutions. This is part of the deal, and surely the position she's staking out here as best I can tell is,

when I was a girl in World War II, which happened in the 70s, we didn't have any heating, and we also just decided to do things like kill Hitler, and we did them. Yeah. We drank beer from a painting, and we ate potatoes out of the bath for some reason,

and it didn't do us any harm. And when we said we were going to do stuff, we did it, and that's where the story tradition of the New Year's resolution was invented. And now, you dishonor my generation's sacrifices at the Battle of the Somme, which happened in the mid-80s, and by simply intending to do things

instead of just going out and doing them. By the way, I've been going to the gym every day since January 1st, 1976. Yeah, listen. I'm huge. I'm the most rich telegraph columnist. But also very old. Yeah, look, listen.

Intending is bullshit. Anyone can intend to do anything, right? Celia Walden intended to write an intelligent newspaper column. Yeah. Nah, I'm joking. Just kidding. Just kidding, guys. A cursory Google informs me that a New Year's intention

is less measurable in terms of success or failure, which is convenient. I don't know. I guess it is because New Year's resolutions fail off time. Because you can't fail to intend to do something. That's sort of implied by the concept. Yeah. It says...

We like small... Actually, fuck. Wait, no. You know who's doing this? You know who's a woke under-20 social liberal who's replaced New Year's resolutions with New Year's intentions? Is Rishi fucking Sunak? We're going to restore trust in politics?

Or maybe not. That's a New Year's intention. Rishi Sunak is focusing on his mental health in 2023. And we have no choice but to stand. That's right. We're going to sit down really hard. And we're going to imagine all... We're going to do the secret to lower inflation.

Yes. We're going to put... That's what we do. I figured it out. I figured it out. We're going to put on an incredible dance as all of Britain. And we're going to perform it for Jerome Powell. And he's going to be so moved by the dance.

Danny Boyle is going to direct. It's going to be the Olympics opening ceremony 2012. Round two. Jerome Powell, please lower the rate by 50 basis points. But they're going to release a bear into the stadium. Oh, no. Perfect. It says, resolve is such a scary word to these people.

A dirty word, really. Which is as archaic as its meaning. Did people really once vow to do something? And then using only grit, determination, sweat and blood. Making your sacred blood vow to go to the gym more often. Upon this vow. I vowed to remain faithful to your father. Do you think I did that?

Yeah. Well, that was that was what the oath of the Horatia I was about. Was three men swearing to go to the gym to defend Rome. Lord, I will build a church in this grove of trees. If I go to the gym more often, like what kind of vow are we talking about? If you do not see me completely naked and oiled up on the polyester tomorrow, throwing my discus, you may come to my house and beat me. This is my solemn vow.

People really once vow to do something and then using only grit, determination, sweat and blood actually do it. I don't know telegraph columnist. Have you ever used grit, determination, sweat and blood to fucking anything? Well, the answer, of course, is no, they mostly didn't. Have you ever heard anyone discuss New Year's resolutions before people say them and then go like, oh, I'm not doing that. They do them for like a week or ish.

I'll tell you, I've witnessed it in my lifetime. The history books are full of those people. Well, like who? I know Winston Churchill, probably. Metaxas. Yeah, that's right. Mr. Adidas. Yeah.

Mr. Adidas vowed that he was going to become immune to poison. And you know what? He did. This is the kind of grit and determination, actually. The zoomers, the woker arts he need to learn about. About a man who even though it wasn't pleasant and it wasn't fun, took a little bit of poison every day because he knew that if he did, he would become stronger.

And you won't even come with me to the Toby Calvary. So think on your sins. Just you wait. 2023 is going to be the year of scare quotes intentional living. It'll be the vacuous buzzword at every limp underachiever's lips to which again, you are a telegraph columnist accusing others of being limp underachievers who just whose whole thing is complaining all the time. Because why bother with big goals when you can sit around celebrating life's little wins?

Yeah. Why try to make yourself a little bit happier when you could just make yourself miserable and drink beer out of a big can that used to have lead pain in it? Like we did. I was curious, by the way, if this journalist had experience, you know, grist or whatever. And a very short Wikipedia page which informs me that she is Morgan's wife. I take it all back.

This woman has suffered more than anything we could possibly imagine. That is right. And to be fair, the lead in the painting does actually make you feel better. Yeah. So, Nate, please delete this entire segment because we're down wrong. She's definitely right. No one has known pain and suffering. Imagine making a solemn vow to spend the rest of your life with Piers Morgan.

She is allowed to talk to me about like difficult vows after having seen that one out, I think. All right. All right. Look, it's an hour and 23. This is unprecedentedly long. I think a suit is slightly longer record suits as sometimes. Yeah. It's nice to do every once in a while as a little treat.

It's the classic configuration. Absolutely. And we are going to see you all on the, wait a second, bonus episode coming out later this week. We've got some really good guests lined up on Monday. So, we'll see which one we put out as the bonus. We've got the bear that's eating everyone's dick and balls as one of the guests. Really a lot of good Hollywood stories on that bear.

Oh, yeah. Surprisingly down to earth and very funny. And so don't forget there is a Patreon, by the way, that that bonus episode will come out on its $5 a month. You can find it on Patreon. You can. They're also due to the implosion of Matt Hancock MP. We have decided to do more stuff on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram.

That's right. Yeah. You can follow us on Instagram and TikTok. I think the handles are trash future pod on everything. You can. You can. Just take your little hands and just type, trash it, mash with your greasy, snack laden hands.

Trash future. Take your hands out of the trough. That's not how you use the trough. You take a little trough and type the word trash future into your TikTok or your Instagram. Or YouTube. Put down the fork and knife you're using to eat from the trough. Pause the Andrew Tate video that you're watching on YouTube. Unless it's the one that we want, in which case keep watching it and send it to us.

That's right. Oh, also, I'm on a UK tour soon. There are dates on my website. I'm going to many cities, including Brighton, Bristol, Manchester, Maidenhead, Weirdly, others. There are others. There are dozens of us. Brighton is particularly soon. It's on the 25th of January.

So if you're feeling like that. If you're in Brighton and you feel like seeing something good, you're in Brighton. Head over to www.coding.uk slash live-shows. Lovely. And you can get tickets for that. And then also, I made a New Year's resolution this year, which is to say the name of the theme song. It's by Jinsang.

It's called Here We Go. You can get it on Spotify. That's right. Is there anything else to any other table talk? Anything else to manage? I don't think so. No. All right.

Bye everyone. Bye.