TRASHFUTURE - Amazon Prime Day Got Too Commercial

Episode Date: July 20, 2017

Comedians James (twitter @raaleh), Milo (insta @milo_edwards), and Charlie (#online on twitter @cfppalmer) assert that they are, collectively, so two thousand and eight, whereas capitalism is so two thousand and late (stage). That joke was very laboured. We recorded this episode in early July so like it wont be current. Modernity sucks so we're gonna make fun of it. We talk about some dumb shit we saw recently, like: CEO's sleeping "rough," a surprising tea maker, and our amazon prime day traditions.

The whole podcast just starts from this like inexplicable debate so welcome to trash future the podcast where we talk about how the future is trash and trash the future where did you heard where did you hear that where do you get your information I can't I cannot disclose that you know that we're gonna have to waterboard Charlie I know it's I know it's early in the pod for that but I've wanted to waterboard him since I met him should we what so to speak hi right what's the podcast about trash future is a podcast that talks about all of the great and wonderful advances in technology that basically

are either evil or stupid and I think it's you know it's basically the idea that like we've we've endured you know a whole generation of like low wage growth skyrocket inequality and creeping alienation and what do we have to show for it yeah we've got some microphones I don't even have Spotify premium not even pretty bourgeois and I have to have Spotify premium not even pretty much why I'm not even pretty Dejanay I like pretty bourgeois is like well out of my I can't even aspire to that it's so far out of my league let's see if one of us can make a more nonsensical joke than that at some point during the show so

speaking of us I mean you think that's funny but like when and when are my croissants getting here I didn't think it was funny speaking of us who exactly are us I'm I'm Milo Edwards co-host of trash future at some time some time like minor Russian celebrity and you know probably objective pursued for the Russian security services stand-up comedian writer unemployed disappointment to my parents and I'm Charlie I'm yeah I was told that be pizza so I turned up and I'm Riley also also a comic but I'm sure as you can tell by like the fact that my voice is unexciting while we are in

England I'm not from here there's nothing like living in London to turn you into a Marxist which I also I guess sort of am that's fun there are only so many Maybox you can see driven by like drunk 16 year olds they would park them by crashing them into like phone poles so I went I went to get brioche and I slightly like kind of miss over I was saying I totally heard you say there's nothing like living in London to turn you into a radical narcissist which which is such an accurate description of yourself I did say Marxist there's also nothing like Milo fetching brioche to overrule your point about being called

Marxist is that patissiers of all nations unite I thought you said you weren't pretty Dejanay no I am pretty well I'm sort of I aspire to putty Dejanay which is why I've got the brioche it's only Tesco brioche hey we do the show yeah this is the show Charlie fine the show is about Tesco brioche board more like shambles about vipes so does anyone else want a brioche before before we launch into that no I'm good okay before we launch into the main content I think of the show I couldn't let this go by I had a party at my house yesterday and in the morning in

addition to all the like half empty like beer cans I also found someone had left a half full half full meaning this has been used at least a little bit condom a half full vial of vape juice at my house and the flavor is dripping custard that's one of the many differences that in our short time together I've realized we have because I see that as a half empty container of dripping custard vape juice if that's what you call it that's really emblematic right like like what how does dripping custard differentiate itself from regular cousin like like there's cream and then there's like whipping cream there's like cousin

and dripping cousin like I need a custard that drips now I are aisle for I don't vape but if I did I wouldn't want it to drip you know if I but I really want to make when I smoke I mean this just isn't this isn't enough like a thick dessert yeah I like the idea they might make other flavors like there's a bake well tart flavored vape and you kind of alternate it with the custard flavored vape is there actually anything you've ever wanted to drip don't answer that that isn't custard I only I only realized that anyway move on but I think that when I found this is vial of dripping custard vape juice but spoiler alert it

smells exactly like actual custard I'm very tempted fun I didn't sniff to just I'm tempted I'm told I'm gonna put the mic between these I'm tempted to just shot it is he actually gonna shot it is no no I was just giving me a sniff I don't want to take you to the hospital it really it genuinely smells like actual custard I think that when I see this that this vial that they've been able to produce a vape juice that actually does taste like custard I just I think of the fact that like in the general theory Keynes predicted you know the major problem of the future which we're currently living in the

growth of technology would give people so much freedom and autonomy and sort of being being free from the labor force that their main concern would be how to spend all their leisure time and I think at some point the policy choice was made to keep wages low keep prices low and now we're all still working 40 hours a week most of us at nonsense jobs but we have dripping custard vape juice I wonder how many hours a week the person who invented dripping custard vape juice works I like to think that that's properly like really having to slog it out till three in the morning like wiping their brow not being able to go to bed

like never seeing the kids because you've just got to hit those deadlines for producing your dripping custard vape juice I think that's the level and I want that to be maybe maybe the guy's name is just dripping custard and like the vape juices that's like the only flavor of vape juice which he makes maybe his name is like mr. custard you're gonna have to leave like it was shutting the building and he's like no gotta keep working on that vape juice I don't know why why wouldn't he be taxing all right gotta keep working on that vape juice do you vape no be a lot cooler if you did we have we we are

live still suck our society's still falling apart nothing works and everything's terrible but we've got dumb shit and there's another another dumb thing I saw recently which okay if you want to make a cup of tea what would you do I'll let Charlie fill this one oh now so I'm gonna I'm gonna give you this give you a straight answer because it's the setup which is that I would I'd boil a kettle I get a mug out I would get a teabag out sorry how is getting a bit complicated you just go again for me it's a tricky process you put the the teabag in teabag in the mug do I didn't even say it is do you put it

completely within the confines of the mug you do actually that's the funny thing also half in no no not that because it's tricky to balance and you then wait until the kettle's boiled you know maybe you do you know look out the window a bit crocheting yeah eat a brioche you pour the the then boiled water onto the teabag so in the mug because that's what I'm gonna stop this honestly are you lost me this is confusing and then eventually take the teabag out and the fun thing about the teabag is that is that your friend is asleep but the photos are already on Instagram what if many fun things about

the teabag and and yeah the tea diffuses from the teabag and you have and you have tea and you add milk if you wish sugar if you're a dick and that's it and that that's it now the great the geniuses in Silicon Valley have struck again and they're gonna make our lives better this time well they just keep striking for the low price well the iron is hot okay I'm gonna say the price until after fortunately Silicon Valley has invented a solution to this logistical nightmare you've just described yeah I did make it sound tricky hmm and to be fair you was simplifying it I was yeah there's a lot of like

complex small motor movements with your hands like that's the hmm it's time and you have a serious a serious mode in your own deficiency can be a problem well this this is where this this product is for you because we have the teforia now which I think is sort of a companion piece to the Juicero which I think a lot of a lot of people who are listening to this will probably already heard of with teforia what it does is it's it's a little stand machine and it hooks up to your phone which is amazing I love that it hooks up to my phone yeah and you have and it you put water in you're still with me here so far so

conventional yeah and then you put tea into a little infuser globe so that's change one just like an I like it when it's globe shaped disruption the first the globe is not dishwasher safe though so keep that in mind okay and then the tea infuses through the in the globe and goes into a little jug where you carafe or you can then pour it into a mug and enjoy it as you choose now of course you can't just use any any tea with the teforia you have to use one of their patented sips which is a little package with a QR code because you know you need a QR code because it attaches I hear they're in now they're very they're

the next they're gonna be huge I can't wait until I can finally see a QR code that can connect me to a brand that's the thing it's like I'll go what kind of tea is that and then they start saying the name you're like no no no you just describe the QR code to me just like black white black black black white black white and that's just the first one and so you do this and you put it all together if you assemble your little machine you hit a button in your phone and then it steeps in hot water it boils the water for you feeds the water through the tea leaves and it goes into the carafe for you to enjoy and you can

like I said fortunately like you can use your so if you're like taking a shit you can hit the button on your phone and your tea will be ready for you you can hit the button on your phone and you shit like that's the new app someone's disrupted shitting so this is like this is blowing the shitting game out of the water like like you did like like you're like you're shitting like it's 2006 we're we're living out here in 3006 I'm just imagining I'm just imagining someone on stage going we've shit in the same way for tens of thousands of years until now so the the teforia we now have a vague idea of what this is it's basically

an auto cattle plus infuser yeah can you just can you just let me know what it offers that the that the standard tea making process doesn't offer yeah well I think if you want to make tea with your phone ordinarily you'd have to pour boiling water onto your phone and that would damage your phone and wouldn't make tea well you could like stir the tea using your phone that would do it yeah if you could use an I think you could get away with doing that with a knock it probably be fine the knocking might break your mug though that would be the other like the one thing it does offer is it says that it matches the kind of

tea that remember it reads with the QR code because it's genius yeah with the correct boiling temperature and infusing time anyway that that's like the one almost is the one thing it does that the normal tea making process doesn't does it does it scan your QR code and work out what kind of tea you would like based on your like Amazon credentials I can't wait until we all have a QR code tattooed on our foreheads to make advertising easier I've got one actually yeah I'm not gonna show you where it is but like well like you think you let you think your QR code says one thing but actually like the tattoo artist didn't

speak your code now she says something else mine actually says and people think that I've been the victim of something like that but I actually wanted my QR code to say dripping custard vape juice okay so so we but we know what the T4 is basically yeah sort of up to speed yeah how much I'm gonna sell this we're gonna start the bidding how much would you buy this for so it's so let's be fair so there's a difference between so what this can do if you're really into tea is it can set the temperature and it can set the steeping time I could set the steeping time just with a watch okay but it'll but it'll sort of somehow the

Apple watch which also syncs with the T4 yeah I presume and you can do it remotely yeah yeah I think what is the point of making tea remotely making tea like like if the T4 makes tea and there's no one there to drink it like does Silicon Valley still make a shit ton of money out of you like okay so so I'm gonna be fair here and and there are people out there who will pay a lot of money for something that's a little bit unnecessary I think that that's plausibly a hundred pound product hang on let me let me see how much I'd pay for it well will you take six brioche no five because I want one of those okay five

brioche if you want to give me five brioches and they're all worth three hundred American dollars totaling fifteen hundred American dollars then we have a deal for the T4 yeah that's really unfortunate because these brioches are actually only worth $297 each yeah it's a yeah I like I don't go for the $300 brioche I find it a bit bourgeois actually because each one of them contains about 15% of a T4 yeah so yeah that's yeah obviously that's actually on the nutritional information we can we can we stop talking about not talking about the fact that it's a bit silly it's 15% of your daily T4 all in

one brioche I feel like we've left out guys can we do the T4 a cost thing it's really hold the microphone to your face right so people know you're laughing at my jokes never yeah I'm right he laughs silently into the void like the T4 is $1500 $1500 the T4 is $1500 $1500 he does before I say that again let me look that up on Google and make sure it's $1500 I mean no don't fact check the podcast don't fact check it in real time yeah no it is it is 1500 I just I wanted to make sure because I was worried that might have been a keying error because it that's real-time fact-checking is exactly the sort of

thing that we'll get for free from the kind of listener base this podcast will attract yeah that means it's $1500 plus sales tax yeah $1500 actually can't buy you a T4 like if you only have 1500 exactly $1500 in your account T4 a shot with $1500 in cash or approximately like a briefcase they would turn you away or approximately like 5.05 brioche they'd be like no you need at least 5.36 brioche for a T4 I think I'm gonna do is I'm gonna actually have to start my own like tax haven on a on like an oil rig somewhere set up a T4 a store just so I can afford to buy one without those ownerist sales taxes that would be the

dream I know as the T4 was so accessible to the common man before the before the government before big big government steamed in and tried to take their slice of the hard-working man's tax dollar anyone steamed in Steve did thank you learning curve in your jokes is a bit steep oh no we're not doing this Riley the thing is that the funniest part about that joke was the ridiculous face you pulled which will not translate by the medium of podcast you've really got one down to a T I'm buying no T4 I genuinely do pity the fool who buys a T4 yeah I have an almost surreal I have an almost surreal respect for anyone who

will buy that should we should we do a crowdfunding project to buy a T4 and then like and then only make coffee in it you sounded almost sexually excited by that prospect I'm not gonna lie I mean I just I really I just feel like we could really and then we could do is we could go on like like T lover Twitter and post videos of us fucking with the T4 yeah it's like it's like that will it blend thing where these two but he said we're doing the T4 we're only we're making other boiling water products in it but not tea like pot noodle like like any kind of fucking ramen like in the like scanning the QR code on a box of ramen

it's like yeah it's steep for 10 minutes what's the optimum what's the optimal steeping time and temperature for my for my depressing unemployed 20 something food I was gonna say the optimum steaming time for ramen is depression I'm gonna I don't want to do is I want to hack my T4 yes the optimum steeping time for everything becomes 69 minutes and then every time I make tea it'll be horribly burned and really strong and bitter but I'll say every day at 420 it automatically makes your tea I'll just be so nice nice nice nice we've rubbish the T4 yeah I think we have I think it's I think it's I think it's

had enough it's just it's so dumb it's just that we have these it's it's so dumb is it though and and I realized this is early in what's gonna be a years-long running podcast but it's early to bring in this point but is it dumb or is someone sitting counting their money going yeah yeah yeah yeah so someone is but hopefully when eventually enough people join like momentum the Democratic Socialism America and enough people subscribe to Jacobin then maybe the revolution will just happen well look at the wonders of the computer age now wonders Lisa or blunders I

think that was implied by what I said implied Lisa or implode and speaking of mass mass transit this actually brings me on to kind of the next thing I wanted to hit speaking of mass trans mass transit phrase I do like it yeah like God how are we gonna how are we gonna bust all these Catholics to church well I know just the people to call look it's a decent comment but you've interrupted the best segue of the show so far I think the segue really only holds one person it's not good for mass transit no not so much that's very true I'd love to see like a giant segue that can hold like ten different unfuckable hey that

would be mass transits what if you've got any other conversation topics about mass transit Riley okay I this I love I love this thing Jesus Christ but still at Silicon Valley does which is a lot of the times they'll build a lot of the times they'll often use their sort of tech innovation buzzwordy aesthetic sort of way of communicating and then they'll have a conversation amongst themselves that will result in them in disrupting reality by inventing something incredibly obvious that already exists I think the probably the best example of this happening was I think like last week or something wait what if we had like

a lift pool right like a carpool but what if we actually could make it quite big so we could hold you know 20 people or more right we got like a minute like a like a like a van or something and then to make that more efficient what if instead of going to your house and your destination it goes somewhere near a lot of people are looking to leave and it goes to somewhere a lot of people are looking to go and you can walk a short distance you know from where you get picked up and dropped off and live that'd be like one outside the Catholic Church like of course mass transit yeah and and this guy was like yeah this is

really really innovative but lift all that happened was they just it accidentally invented a bus but it's really beautiful what now sorry we both mine and I both reading bridge you went on for what we both went for some now it sounds stupid but like cuz like it's like well how is he not put two and two together that that's just a bus I like the theory that this guy has never actually seen a bus and then someone later took him aside and they were like you realize that's a bus he's like what they're like you know a bus like you buy a ticket you get on you go to like the thrift store he's like no no what you

mean I don't get it I just get an Uber what do you what do you mean a bus like a bust of who semi-serious point do you think part of it is that if they develop some new vehicle that kind of doesn't look like a bus it doesn't really occur to them that it is just a bus that looks a bit different and that's the thing it's literally just the visual appearance of the thing that makes the difference and I bet like they'll probably try to find a way to call it like bus without a you like this bus yes that's good well like all I all I that's a fun thing for us all like all like BAS with like a line on top just like

boss like so like like the Dutch man's name on on every bus there are people called bars I'm pretty sure there aren't Dutch people called bars there's really all there's a film there's a film director called Baz and then on it'll be there'll be like a rival app called boss hunter like helps you find a boss in your area it's it's this weird troubling trend that just like Silicon like Silicon Valley is aims to sort of worm its way into new like shit that's working fine and then quote-unquote disrupt it and with with with apologies for the for ruining our own cynicism I read a great tweet the other day oh yeah that that's

the sentence that always I heard about that website but it said that actually if if somebody invented phone calls now it would be touted as the the new high tech alternative to shitty messaging apps real-time real-voice calls probably true like no like no like no no unnecessary information like no no pointless no group chats yeah perfect yeah one of you just use a number but okay that actually almost leads me to the next dumb reinvention thing which is again I this this this happened sort of towards the end of June where there's this charity event in Australia called like sleep out Australia or something

it's still like and what happens like a bunch of like CEOs will sleep have to sleep rough cracking up in a coal bomb with the CEOs it's like a classic weekend cracking over in a coal bomb with the CEO of my local grocery company is the bit of the show where we all do our terrible Australian accents I think it is Jim I don't know mate I mean you gotta sometimes you just got to pursue an Australian accent that's not going very well yeah in order to just gotta commit to it cement your commitment to the podcast as a genre I'd be I'd be careful of doing that too much because that's how crocodile Riley that said that's a

terrible Australian accent you did there it almost sounds like a Canadian who's been living in England for too long yeah that is maybe that's what an Australian is so what they did as part of this was they really wanted to give CEOs the experience of what it is to live in poverty so they could you know develop some empathy for develop an app like homeless people like homeless tracker I think I saw this you're not you're not far off you you're you're troublingly close to what this actually is I'm always troublingly close Riley I'm gonna I'm gonna read a short selection from the from this from the snapchat

update has taught you nothing the the CEO the CEO sleepout Twitter account posted a video of CEOs using virtual reality and then it helpfully says in parentheses VR in case like in case like no one your virtual reality was unless it's known by its shortening like what could that what could that possibly be to quote to get a glimpse of the realities faced by people who experience this every day and someone else on Twitter said yeah this is really gonna revamp empathy no wow it's like like like in this next week when again we play serious or sarcastic empathy empathy but with no e like it's just like with an

like a capital M and a hyphen like M people yeah exactly like M people anything like the advert has M people on it no I'll post I'll post this sounds like a math a math problem like there are M people and they and they are experiencing M Pathy if M is a constant and so what they did was they were actually put on virtual reality helmets then sat around a boardroom so they could all like experience homelessness for like 10 minutes what do you have any details about what this entailed like what the what was actually on the screens at the time what they did what you know I also experiencing homelessness

for 10 minutes a bit like it doesn't like like an Australian man is freezing homes through the power of VR and being like like I don't think you've turned it on mate because I'm just drinking and having a fight like so these fucking homeless people all get VR headsets they just get out even I haven't got one of these they get outraged that their taxes are too high we're paying for headsets for homeless people oh actually you're Australian accent is worse than either of us it's just English yeah it was just English yeah it's like it's a dig van dyke does

Australia in like a weird 80s B movie your Australian accent is further from an Australian accent than your normal speaking voice how about how about this is just my Australian accent then let's go with that let's go with that don't understand the the Riley people we're proud people with it with many complex cultural parentages yeah does that explain the socks fully pulled up no if anyone wants to know yes I am wearing the same pair of sweatshorts I've been wearing for about a week and yes I do have socks fully pulled up with them they've stayed fully up yeah quite impressive Riley Riley looks at those

like articles of like sex offender mug shots for look inspiration it's like God I've got to get those shorts it just goes into top man and goes this I want this well I think it'd be I think it'd be more my style to be like queuing up for a queuing up for a supreme drop that's definitely themed around John Wayne Gacy who's John Wayne Gacy serial killer like you could have guessed it from the contact did he did he really did he really like spoil the whole John Wayne thing like he was literally named after John Wayne because his mother was also surprisingly crazy what if what if we brought he says like sensually scratching

his balls for those of you listening at home Riley's now dangerously close to the draw me like one of your French girls pose on the show I'm more like I've experienced me in VR like one of Australia's homeless experience Riley in VR that was what they gave the Australian hobos they were like while they're experiencing you in VR you can experience Riley scratching his balls Riley is also available in VR do you think do you think do you think the home the homeless got VR headsets to experience life as CEOs it's I really hope so I really hope they're like the the homeless guys like I'm just I'm just drinking having a fight

sure you turn it on my I hope it was like trading places where they ended up being so good at the job that they never got the CEOs back you think we could bring this program over to England absolutely yeah like strap them on the House of Lords and just like I think they already do that in the House of Lords but just not in the way you're thinking I'm like I'm down here at strap it on day the House of Lords and annual tradition some of these some of these strap-ons have been in use it's the 16th century traditional my father used it and his father before him hit my father used it on his father

traditionally like the speaker of the House of Lords has a black strap on and the rest of them have a white one is that what black rod it's the House of Commons read a book oh yeah yeah that's why they have a mace do you think it's possible for like the British House of Lords to use VR to start genuinely understanding the ridiculous poverty plaguing our society I don't I don't know I mean I think maybe I feel like it's sufficient numbers of the people in the House of Lords is sufficiently kinky that if you gave them a homeless VR experience they would think it would be like a really like I think they'd make

in-depth scenario porn like like really like really method like you know I'm just going to pick up some girls on the street why are they Arnold Schwarzenegger I think you're doing a Rocco Sephreti have you never watched Arnold Schwarzenegger porn I'm just going I just going to pick up some girls on the street I'll be back you have to be done kids would you step outside for a second dear lord that's a lattice profanity yes all I wanted to do in post I'm sorry my oh that's not gonna survive post it's not gonna survive as a result though

neither is this we can say anything we can leave this bucket we can leave this in we can we can make what Milo said intriguingly deeped out that's not gonna that's not gonna that's not gonna survive post like a fucking 20 pound note in a birthday card from your aunt in Swindon like that like that is that is getting taken straight there goes the swindon market that was half our listeners hang on why would the swing that surely like there goes the postal worker market why would Swindon be angry like we never post 20 pounds like if you're in Swindon like you're writing in like I've never posted my my nephew a

20 pound note no I he doesn't deserve I give him five but also with the swindon market gone in the postal market gone and France and France and to be fair Australia and Australia we should keep it tally of who we've offended I don't know I think Australia we're up to just over a probably closing in on like 90 million people well no if you include the postal workers in Swindon it goes from 90 million to 104 million closing in on 90 million people we're like we're like the Wehrmacht another joke that won't survive post that one's fine don't don't I call I that one what's wrong what's wrong with the Wehrmacht don't don't

answer that hey Riley have you got any more cool tech for us so I mean if you don't if you think we don't really need to revamp empathy anymore I've got some more just some it's not necessary it's it's quite sort of tech adjacent but a new app called Wehrmacht it tells you where the Wehrmacht are at any given time really useful if you're like a French resistance member or like a Belarusian partisan and you can you can actually add upload your location to the map by adding a Wehrmacht my favorite thing is actually that sounds like it that sounds like a cryptocurrency for like pre eurozone Germany does a little

doesn't it like a currency a cryptocurrency that only works at full moon in Germany my favorite part of the wehrmacht map app is that it integrates with the T4 and when you're about to invade it'll put a cup on for you it's useful that is handy yeah other dumb shit that's happened with with cap with late-stage capitalism getting stupid because the future is garbage that's happened recently as you know that Beyonce and rapper JZ have copyrighted the names of their kids I did see that and and it slightly slipped under the radar they did it with their first kid as well actually or the lights have just

gone on that's quite bright and put off yeah now I can see the edge of Riley's sack so like it's great that like Riley's intros are so slow that I went off made myself a glass of water and turned on the lights which on the other side of this bizarre luxury flat that Riley lives in despite despite being like it like a radical socialist leftist like Riley lives in a luxury flat in docklands it's in those accounts hey how about JZ though that just reminded me of like I was in I went to a mate drag me to infernos in Clapham the other night which is like if you're not if you're not a if you're not a London person like

Clapham is like this area where like the Oxbridge sends its worst like capitalist graduates was it Rob it was Rob yeah and they go there they go there to like talk about rugby and like smash birds and then work at JP Morgan the rest of the week and that's the JP Morgan market gone and damn it our main target audience they were really enjoying it as well they were having such a nice time and there's this club called infernos where it's just like full of the worst and it's also full of like like Essex Essex guys who work in estate agencies who've like come down for a night out so I mean that's you if the

Russia comedy career hadn't worked out yeah estate agency my leg might estate is like my number two calling in life like my number one calling in life is like sleep and masturbation but my number two calling in life is working in an Essex branch of Foxton's yeah yeah and masturbating simultaneously yeah so I was in I was in the toilet in infernos in Clapham questioning my my choice and and a guy question your choice yeah I mean toilet you know never question a man's right to choose right to choose infernos Dante didn't even imagine infernos like he didn't go that high on the circles of hell yeah so I'm in the

toilet this guy comes up starts pissing next to me at the urinal and he just goes like he goes it's like mate infernos is without a doubt the best place in the southeast I first say I love that he's regionalizing this right then then he says like the amount of fit birds and it was outrageous and I was like and I said to him at this point exactly these words I was like well maybe you should make an official complaint he didn't pick up on the sarcasm at all and he was about to say something else when another guy it's all like kind of brushed past him to get into the cubicle and he sort of turned around from the urinal to like

catch the guy's attention and in the process of this began pissing against the wall instead of into the urinal and went to the guy boy mate got any charlie now I was like God this man is like a this man is like 20 like a 2017 meme like there's been like that I've just met in real life you know I was like how do I retweet you like where is your like what do I what do I press hey so JZ JZ before we get to Charlie got any JZ before we go to genuinely an endless peril of being called charlie is accidentally engaging conversation with every single dealer who ever comes up to you because they were always open with

Charlie and I will go yes because that is my name and a very very confusing conversation will ensue and because it feels like they're trying to charge me for my name that actually is a perfect just like our other perfect segues a perfect segue yeah yeah Beyonce and JZ they're really wondering what they've done they've copywritten the names of their kids so they can now charge you for using the names of their kids and I'm gonna list to you what the trademarks are for does that mean we can't say their names not if you're using them on any of the following product which is really mixed messages given Beyonce's back

catalogue if you want to make a sort of what medieval like 15th century would be right version poet for you roomies a Persian poet like like that I'm pretty sure it's like an automatic vacuum cleaner I don't know what you're talking about that's the Persian poet Roomba the 15th century was some crazy times in Silicon Valley fucking fucking Silicon Persian Empire hey what are they called the kids they've called them roomy and sir fine call your kid sir yeah sir sIR sir it's so roomy yeah I don't want to focus on the names so much like people like no but is that so that kid like can never tell whether someone's being

formally polite or not or like patron like a patronizing police officer like giving you a hard time yeah sir sir put your pants on sir it's gonna be very difficult to judge the tone if he's ever knighted it's gonna sound like the Queen's got a stutter get anything is you know what the way we're going Beyonce and Jay Zed's son is definitely going to get knighted it's gonna happen but okay here are here are the trademarks that they create that they copyrighted the names for yeah pretty no cool one of his kids World War World War Carter okay here's what they're for fragrances cosmetics keychains baby

teething rings strollers mugs water bottles hair ribbons playing cards tote bags sports balls rattles and novelty items as opposed to non-sport balls calling them sports balls makes them actually sound less like balls that you'd use for sport yeah sports balls oh yeah I do worry there tossing the sport sport yeah exactly again my favorite part of that list is um things like a a Beyonce and Jay Zed's twins themed keychain is considered separate from the category novelty items yeah I like that they're going in for the lucrative keychain market they're worried they might get squeezed out of the

market for roomy and sir keychain like who buys a sir keychain like who is in that like someone who is so formal that they won't even get their first name on keychain like someone who goes into a gift shop and they're like what's your name it's like no I would I want my keychain to say sir on it I think really people who go into restaurants and say oh I've got a reservation my name's mr. Johnson have you know if you've ever seen that it's amazing yeah go in and they will only introduce themselves as mr. something I just don't want to be in the pocket I'm always worried that like Hollywood has just been in the pocket of

big keychain the pocket of big keychain with big keychains in their big pockets their deep pockets what I really want more than anything else is I want us to do like at some point and add for a cargo shorts company so that I can truly say that I'm in the pocket of big cargo shorts I'm like I'm really I'm really cozying up to people in like the frozen fast food market I'm in the warm pocket of big hot pocket actually I wanted to be mean about that joke and then I found it really funny it's so often the way wow my boss don't call me that word I don't like things that elevate me above the other people I'm

just like you oh sure I come later in the day I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations but I don't like the word boss sir sir then JZ came in I was like I've copyrighted that I'm afraid jingles a surra keychain I think the surra keychain you're gonna have to call him my leash or another alternative to the word sir I think the surra keychain would be great for the blue tick mark trumpiplier is on Twitter who like every time you take sounds like a particular species of tick they are I mean they're they are these blue ticks they really get under my skin you don't get yourself the blue tick you can't

just hovers next to your face it's like how you get verified and then to get unverified you have to like rub Vaseline on it it's why all the dogs on Twitter are verified well infested with ticks but most of most of like like the liberal centrist quote-unquote hashtag resistance or whatever that like is desperate to save like a cruel and like horribly means tested health insurance program for example but is it means tested no but it's like not as efficient as single payer regardless we're not doing policy detail on this show no we're absolutely not we don't do knowing stuff you know we um means tested where it

tests how mean you are but the only person who gets health insurance is Vinny Jones like damn he's so mean I think it should be memes tested the amount of health care you get depends on the amount of posts you do the irony is the irony is I just wanted to say it the irony is Harambe would have gotten such good health care but it's too late we can't cure death yet okay so yet there's an app for that my friend like there's it there's a company in Silicon Valley that's inventing like death as a new product they're disrupting the life market but they would spell life insurers hate them they would spell it

DTH disrupting the life market with this one weird trick like local mom local mom local mom dies tragically actually just a clickbait ad yeah yeah local mom's want you to come over and murder them now I'm divorced I don't want a relationship I just want a guy to strangle me in my bathtub don't toy with our listeners the only people still listening are hoping this is a real ad I think we've already lost the dead people market which is bad because they were they were they were they all there's some guy there's some guy stroking a semi right now going like I'd strangle a single mom I didn't think you'd noticed

weirdly the Republican Party totally needs people who will strangle single moms for free like how are we gonna pay for these single moms well I know guy who can solve this problem the Republicans actively want to strangle single moms but the Democrats are much more like content to like let them die slowly and have natural causes yeah which is you know also pretty bad if you could prevent it I guess that's just life isn't there that's I think that's gonna be hot take of the day that is a hot that is the hottest take that is selling like today like human life is you know more or less pretty worthwhile

you should preserve it yeah no it's very spicy it's a spicy meatball so warm take it's burn my tongue I was I was it's a hot pocket take a hot pocket hot pockets take flavor stop bring up hot pockets I'm deep in the I'm deep in the warm pocket of hot pockets more than one time it's totally the sort of thing that is like a weird a weird like prison sex fetish as well like and then it's the sort of thing that would be in the in the Sunday sport headline wouldn't it like a hot pocket blistered my bell and I think that might be a real one not when you comply with the usage instructions you really think that might be a real

like anything no Greg's pasty boiled my bell and is a real one boiled my bad it's a great use of alliteration really good didn't didn't they just like blame European like heating regulations for that guy's boiled Bell and the Sunday sport doesn't get that political I think John Claude Juncker was like yeah we're seriously reviewing our bell and regulations and banning Nigel Farage from the European Parliament yeah I'm alright I'll just go and like live in Trump's golden left that sounds great I'd live which is actually just a golden bus Trump's gold lift is spelled with a Y yeah yeah you use an apt to

choose which floor so I steeped you for the perfect amount of time should we do all the jokes again in this context and then it calls you in a hot pocket and it calls you sir and then JZ sues you yeah JZ sues you Beyonce's like say my name and he's like I wouldn't do that if I were you so what do you think have we have we have we have we have we have we covered the bit the bizarre tangent from Beyonce and JZ having copyright we've covered the bizarre tangent we haven't covered the story at all no again it's just it's it does the marketization of everything is just terrible yeah that's all for this week folks yeah the big the

big hot take everyone everyone knows that like late-stage capitalism is stupid we don't need to bash their I reckon capitalism is only just getting started imagine what it can do with another 200 years I'm sorry I'm sorry say you've got stage four capitalism vape juice we could have if capitalism isn't even late imagine imagine imagine how many like dumb names we could copyright if capital if like capitalism sticks around we don't have to start inventing new words like not just letting them evolve like actively inventing new words like Yeezy would become like the standard form of clothing yeah I

think either word Yeezy would just become like hello or a blessing good Yeezy to you just like how I already use it yeah I'm full like like what kind of easy on you can I get a four years pizza please there is already a website that you may have come across called new Yeezy resolutions have you seen that one it's not as easy as it looks it's a site where you you click generate and it generates a random Yeezy based resolution so it's things like I will ask my bitch for other bitches it's fantastic I really recommend it and it's easy easy lemon Yeezy

all right we're gonna take a short break and I'm gonna go find some new Yeezy resolutions was that what you were trying to do now now we have preserved posterity like Riley's failed attempt to the burp right how does it feel to have now failed in a row consecutively a million times that everything you've ever ever burped one day wow I you know what anything is possible if you put your mind to it apparently not yeah like if you just prove anything like I will never burp in this town again yeah or need ever I feel like you know destiny must be a

powerful factor in our lives if Riley who's so completely incompetent lives in a luxury flat like like why why doesn't why doesn't Charlie live in a luxury flat Charlie's much more competent than Riley I'm not that competent you're a much better capitalist that's probably I don't know we're both better capitalist than you are as you might that is very true also I think if any of us were competent we wouldn't be doing this we'd be doing something much more worthwhile with our lives that's true I wanted to see baby driver but the tickets are really expensive are they more and they're more expensive than the usual

tickets you're looking you're looking directly away from your mic where you're talking yeah I decided it's part of my style it's my style like I think baby driver is a really weird title for a film well I think the sequel to mini driver was really interesting the sequel to mini driver like she had kids which could actually be her name is actually like you know I lost the train of thought there but many's a kind of car as well you lost the lift of thought your relationship to that joke is like lift inventing the bus it was a little yeah Charlie Charlie's reinventing the wheel of mini driver jokes like

people you know people think mini driver jokes have been done but then Charlie comes along and he's like hey just rubs yeah cuz like usually a mini driver joke will have a punch line Charlie like doesn't mini driver feed line then just trails off it's like fuck you guys hey guys what's with mini driver you're the Charlie coughed in mini driver jokes yeah that's actually on my CV like I feel like like when I was when I was in literally in primary school there was there was a like mini was a slang term for vagina do you remember this no I was there a slang term for vagina in primary school well so aren't there

enough God like come on Riley when did you use your lose your virginity like it after age 11 like a pussy some of us some of us were like knee deep in you know primary school hose at seven knee deep in hose just makes it sound you're like you're wearing sort of short Tudor trousers or like I'm just I'm just like a really incompetent at watering the plants all that yeah yeah I've become entangled it's interesting to Ronnie's jokes now aren't we 20 peas so I did want to ask you guys we have a really important international holiday coming up on the 11th of July who Amazon Prime day 711 what are you guys doing for

711 I hadn't noticed it was on 711 I'm gonna go and buy convenience items yeah from a really upset Pakistani man that's the problem you know why is he upset because he was in 711 Charlie I'd be upset because he's missing prime day he sells ramen noodles to to comedians who are trying to break a $1,500 tea maker sales aren't good they're not good no he's really forgotten that his whole target said said said the disorganized sea captain to his men it's the worst joke of the podcast it's the worst one which means it's staying in worst one hundred percent perfect yeah I just wanted to know like what are you

guys doing for prime day like how do you usually celebrate well I get a cake how many candles well prime is now use a prime number yeah or do you order the movie 16 candles off of Amazon and then put your copy of 16 candles onto the cake and then look at the camera and be like yeah yeah that as well that one too hmm all of both of those both those are staying the fuck in they are yeah oh yeah we just we're just having it at our house just having a traditional you know like a family thing like a prime day dinner like always like that grandma's coming around we're gonna have we're gonna have a prime rib yeah we're gonna

have we're gonna have a key prime pie for dessert yeah and we're gonna we at the end we like to stand up and read out TS Eliot's the prime of the ancient mariner that's important and and the prime of his gene Brody as well yeah I don't even remember who wrote that one but it was written by Jeff Bezos I'm pretty sure we ordered we ordered them all on on a on a well-known website no of course you use altavista right altavista yeah good on altavista deep view where are they now as soon as you translate it into English it sounds like a really shit buzzfeed informant like our informant deep view told us our

informant deep view told us that JZ and Beyonce are cooperating their kid's names and selling their stools JZ's son deep hey hey hey hey JZ JZ sorry we rehearsed this it's our language use it we've tightly scripted all of this don't improvise yeah was was was JZ one half of ZZ top ZZ top is dreadful isn't it that's really bad that really is bad it's not a joke it's just a comment it's a consonant z it's a consonant zoo I like I like to read about him in it in a magazine oh here we go before we descend he and his wife be once before we descend too much further into a whirlpool morass of ZZ puns I'm day I want

yeah you know it's it's it's a great little holiday yeah that celebrates was it Thomas Jefferson I think it was Thomas Jefferson and the subject of Marty Cyrus's famous album the prime the prime yeah it's the prime it's the sorry we're done do the do the prime warp yeah prime watch yeah but a prime watch but a prime watch yeah like you wouldn't you want to become primed by this topic that's that yeah well we've lost all the Amazon listeners thank God all the Amazon listeners that's a lot of people priman is I believe they're called now yeah God yeah we've even lost the prime meridian what what prime hour

of the prime day is it I think that you know prime day used to be about your family and togetherness yeah and I think I think prime day has gotten really commercial has we need to get back to the true meaning of prime day we do what do you think the true meaning of prime day is I mean I know I'm asking to see if you know well for me Riley it's always been about you know well when when when when Jesus primed died for our right to next day delivery and the and the ability to stream sons of anarchy online at will who is that on prime now I believe it is I think it is I know Seinfeld is is it that's a key

maneuver for me prime have you guys to use satirizing prime day to sell me a prime subscription I think you might just have done that we're actually deep a prime description oh so deep these so deep these mics aren't even on these mics are even plugged into anything I didn't even give you my code that's not even a mic you gave me that's Jeff beasus is there and now you're just selling me Amazon Prime that's how this was Charlie Rose he's been hypnotized and he's just been sucking the dick of an exam and Amazon executive the whole time while mumbling a classic defense imagine being so middle-class that your dick just

becomes brioche I don't think that happens if you're really middle class surely it would become spotted dick which is remarkably similar to brioche in consistency hmm I still have never had spotted dick don't well if you ever do you should get checked out because yeah it sounds like a disease they'd get in Treasure Island it's either a like spotted dick and also as it's also an encusted trip all English desserts sound like sex disease don't swim in that river you'll get yourself the custard dick I don't think we can leave any of this in yeah the Hillary had slaves thing is

too old anyway yeah I love that she did though I don't love that she did I wish she didn't but like I love that she just admitted it but I love that they were all they were all like serial killers that was my favorite thing that she was like yeah she's like yeah the ones who are serial killers were the best ones they were they were like they were such good workers hey they made pretty killer cereal whatever none of this is staying in it's all it's all slaves they made killer serial we're also but but a mile or so from the serial killer cafe aren't we on brick Lane yeah we should do an episode at the serial killer myra

Hindley that the other day we've lost the myra in the audience my audience like waiting for that moment we've gained the myra in the audience now Ian Brady's like why don't I get a shout out you know you just die I'm just gonna show I murdered as many of them as she did I think he just died yeah well myra Hindley died a long time ago we've really been doing our audience targeting very badly I'm sure they have relatives we're going after dead serial killer that's the only we're the only podcast that primarily targets the dead next they'll be telling me krippin isn't listening god damn it I hate it when you

lose the doctor krippin audience like krippin is always the main critic like a good review to get because it says doctor on the front so he sounds educated everyone everyone reads his blog I'm the krippin blog I'm very certain though that our our our king at E3 all the unready audience is definitely going to really pick up over time yeah but you've lost them by pronouncing ethyl red ethereald ethereald yeah I mean what the fuck very ethereald about that am I right no it ethereald sounds like a weird like techno music festival guys really we're just like popping mangy at ethereald do you like to party because if

you do you'll love to go to ethereald it's like there's like there's somewhere somewhere between a stoned guy and Arnold Schwarzenegger but that's you like to party because if you do you'll love either we're just picking up some girls on the street at a festival with a camera crew like central european festivals it's like halfway between you know coked up bro and and Arnold Schwarzenegger coked up bro coked up Schwarzenegger looking for looking for women on the street at a festival with a camera crew ethereald Tiesto's headlining Tiesto or is or is righty we call him ties though he's named after

it's a it's a it's a little known fact that ties though actually invented the necktie and also founded the school still yeah yeah it was a very niche one I had I had something for this but I don't think you did I was waiting for like Catholic boarding schools of the UK to come up like I've got I've got like I've got like a whole A4 side of ample fourth material like I guys are we gonna are we gonna get onto the all our downside stuff we had planned yeah there's advantages to that material but that's also cons yeah it's just like prison I mean that was exhausting this is thank thank you for reading out the

traditional Amazon Prime Day reading which is all of that yeah for the last who wrote that well I mean it's it's it's attributed to Jeff Bezos yeah but but mainly I I think it's it's more sort of folkloric it was an oral tradition oh yeah yeah yeah you know I mean it's got really beautiful because how you tell the women you lure back to your luxury flat it's an oral tradition come on come on it's prime day so I'd just love the idea like tiny Tim running down the street with a box tiny team sir what day what day is it what day is it it's prime day we've fattened a goose to be fair that's a prime goose it's a much

better name for a day than Christmas isn't it like if you're gonna have a religious festival of some kind especially a prime day is a brilliant name for it no it's it definitely does sound a lot like a festival that they'd have in Star Trek though yeah prime very kind of arrogantly dystopic isn't it it's great yeah it would really fit on maybe a podcast about how the future is shitty yeah yeah hey guys what if tech but too much yeah what if tech but to tech what if tech but three tech three tech so you just drop the mic there no what if why do I why do I have no money in three tech what kind of three money

in no tech that is that is actually like probably I think the most concise statement of other sort of Marxist response to technological development I've ever seen famed Spanish painter El Teco we're not just doing tech puns now we're not gonna do them I mean I mean I'd like to I don't have anywhere to be I wouldn't want to go to bed all right take it Ralph okay where Ralph is like an audio engineer okay but a really clumsy one do we think we've rubbished enough of like modernity for one night no but it's getting late it's getting late for soon for soon it will be it will no longer be prime day so that

brings us to our last segment of our tightly organized and scripted show yeah tight where we we're gonna we're gonna just gonna try and think of you know three startups apps or like TED talks or whatever that are just dumb enough to probably exist so I think there should be an app just so you can kind of like check on the health of your feet like nothing else just your feet just kind of make sure they're they're all right make sure everything's in order down there you feed in some data about your feet and it tells you how your feet are doing it's called it's called tobe it's about TOW you know it's TO with an umlaute it's

yeah I get that I worry about my feet I mean you're so far from your feet that's the issue that is the issue it's a very non-visual medium on quite a tall man very non non-visual medium like it like a blind clairvoyant that's what podcasting is it's it's like if if Stevie Wonder did tarot card reading how do you know he doesn't I mean maybe he does he's dead he's not he's not he's not if he was do you know who he is he's not even like a bit that not even a bit dead he's not even half he's not even like Ozzy Osbourne who like might as well be dead you know like okay well that's that's my that's my app then up my my

an app to kill Stevie Wonder it's like like are you tired of Stevie Wonder for just 79 cents you can have him killed over and over again that app exists and still not and everyone knows about it and no one has downloaded it because Stevie Wonder is a legend a legend you hear me I mean yeah why would you want to kill Stevie Wonder what is your problem was never wonder yeah but you're not related to Stevie Wonder someone is Riley Riley Riley is so white quinoa avoids him like I took out a really expensive life insurance policy on Stevie Wonder oh yeah now the beneficiary is

yourself I feel like you can't take out life insurance policies on other people I think there's a conflict of interest there okay no there we go that that's my startup my startup yes it's a distributed it's a distributed peer-to-peer life insurance company where you crypto insurance where you can just take out on the blockchain lucrative life insurance contracts on just random people who've signed up that's so good and it tells you who they are yeah and they and if you sign up to be insured you get like five hundred dollars a month yeah and then you can buy really expensive life insurance on them and then it's like a

deadly game of cat and mouse that's great love that yeah that probably I mean that's probably gonna exist in the prime future yeah I mean the future will be called of course or at that point it'll be the prime present the prime present yeah that's that's my prime present is the prime's agent wishes you all a happy and prosperous primes first prime day you know of all of the of all of the prime laws that got instituted when Amazon finally took over control of the US government the the new language they instituted where most words were portmanteau with the word prime yeah was prime mantos most words were prime

mantos with the word I think it's actually portman primed poor man prime they did something quite badly well you got a you got a company start up app or Ted talk just blowing his nose at the moment he'll get around to it yeah well we'll let it out that silence um no we won't yes leave that in I filled it the low the low effort aesthetic well I reckon I reckon that sooner or later there's gonna be there's gonna be a Ted talk that's gonna be like how how I learned to save time by breathing less you know it's gonna be a guy is like he's like in their daily lives most people breathe over 40,000 times a day in their

daily lives but I breathe only three times per day for up to two minutes at a time he's just dead and then and then and then and that enables me to run four startups and do hot-bickroom yoga in my house in San Francisco I'm also planning hot-bickroom yoga I think I think that's just hot-hot yoga yeah okay it's hot it's hot-bickroom yoga well you're slathered in barbecue sauce and I like and I like two minutes of the two minutes of the of the talk I just him going he's like sorry it was my regular breathing time part of part of the issue with phased breathing is that you have to be absolutely disciplined if you miss it

by as much as four milliseconds your heart can stop people people say to me to Dreyfus is that not people say to me Dreyfus are you really loyal to the French Republic and I say shut up robespire stop stop burning all your robes on a traditional funeral you just got French history wrong the Dreyfus affair was a 19 teens thing I'm just gonna quickly look up the Dreyfus date so I can see if I was wrong about another thing 1906 19 1894 to 1906 19 year-old six great times and I think and I think that's a great time for us to put the microphones down and go rejoin yeah there's a lot of capitalism going

on