TRASHFUTURE - Boris Gear Solid Part 3: Syncretic Apotheosis ft. Nish Kumar

Episode Date: November 19, 2019

Comedian Nish Kumar joins the gang to read from Boris Johnson's strange 2004 taut action comedy racist sex novel 72 Virgins for the third and final time. It is genuinely unbelievable that this guy is Prime Minister, not just because of all the outrageous things he says or implies about everyone who isn't an Eton educated white guy, but also because he's just so... incompetent as a communicator. Mostly it reveals more about him, his contempt for you and me, and his extreme internalised guilt about voting for the Iraq War. If you can vote in Britain and you do not want the man that wrote this book to be your Prime Minister, then you must do the following things: *Register to vote* You can do this here — it’s fast! https://www.gov.uk/register-to-vote *Do some canvassing* Momentum (@peoplesmomentum) has a great resource that lets you sign up to canvassing events in marginal seats close to you. Access it here: https://www.mycampaignmap.com We have a Patreon and signing up at the $5 tier will give you an extra episode each week. You’ll also gain access to our incredibly powerful Discord server. Sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture But seriously we cannot stress enough how much voting and canvassing matters.

Hi, this is Riley, and this is a bit before the actual episode. If you are about to listen to this, our part three of our three-part investigation of Boris Johnson's terrible book, 72 Virgins, you might want to try listening to part one and two, which we have unlocked and put together for you in the previous episode in the feed. You won't necessarily need the context, but because the story is a gossamer-thin spider-web of nonsense, but you might appreciate knowing just the depths of the provincial psychosis that drives RPMs, a fundamental psychology. Hello, and welcome back to Trash Future, this week's free episode.

I'm Riley, and I'm in the studio with Hussain. Hi, my no-nut November is going fine, feeling jacked already, good to go. Who just looks bigger and more pressurized. Who is the fleece? Who is my podcasting fleece? With Nate on the boards. Hello, it's me. A couple more days in my total time living in this country, and I still don't understand

anything about this place, so enjoying this election season and all of the normal things surrounding it. It's no-nut election, everyone. And also, we have Alice calling in from Glasgow, the Sunlit Uplands, apparently it was there. It's good. Scottish Labour currently like imploding over turf stuff, the SNP doing the same. It's a very normal country up here. Okay, excellent.

So what, are we saying vote Scottish Tories then? Fuck no, no, vote Labour, it's like, it's just, I don't know, the internal politics means that, I don't know, there was 20 years of shuffling Blairites up here and we have to purge them ruthlessly is the thing. And also, we're joined by Nish Kumar, who you may know from the MASH report or from online or from comedy stuff. Nish, how are you doing? Yeah, really excited to be here.

As we know, the third part is the worst part of any trilogy, so I'm delighted to be joining you for the third part of your Boris Johnson extravaganza. And trust me, this part has everything. It has racism. Really? You surprised me, Riley. Shocked. It has, it has like obvious ripoffs of PG Woodhouse.

It has, that's more or less it. It has references to Renaissance art shoo-horned in where it doesn't belong, like Boris Johnson walked through the door, much like the portraits of Titian. You know, he's not the most literate of men, like in general. He's somebody who's clearly read a lot of Wikipedia articles. That's what PPE is, really. That's why you don't need the PPE degree at Oxford anymore. You just have Wikipedia.

Anyone can pretend to know anything now. You don't need the... So I'm just going to do a little bit of a catch up, please, so you can know where we are now. This won't be a catch up of current events. I'm sure like 30 of them will have happened since we recorded this. Everything will be on fire by the time you're listening to this. Or maybe everything will be good.

In fact, we're going to do a little cut in. Nate, how's everything going? A chilling premonition of things to come. So let's catch everyone up on the book. So what basically like all this book really has is a series of conservative dab stereotypes just setting one thing after another in motion. There's no real characterization. There's no real plot.

Just just all of the things that angry horny dads read while sort of crumpling the telegraph in their white fists in some shire. But they should give you an idea of what Boris Johnson actually thinks. How Boris Johnson thinks the world works. What he thinks ordinary people are like, especially immigrants in working class with people as he tries to write them. So crucially, though, we must not look at these books as a kind of Kremlinology because we know what Boris thinks about about these people.

Like we know what he thinks about non-white people. We know what he thinks about women. Like you can just look at his actions in the columns. There's no decoding necessary. Like unless you're chronically civility brained, none of this will come as a surprise. Like even if you only take him at his words, all of this stuff comes in a more easily digestible format of every newspaper column he's ever written. Yeah. And the thing that offended me most about the word picking in these is that

you have to look it up. Like it's like you have to do the legwork to interpret the racism. Like I don't want to be complicit in my own abuse. You know, it's pretty gross stuff. Like it's all we're doing. We're just skewing Google. So of these three episodes, right? The first is an introduction into the wide world of the of seventy two

virgins, the extended universe, seventy two virgins, extended universe, of which all of Boris Johnson's articles are part of the Johnson extended universe. It's just every movie is a different character set in this world. It's it's so I just imagined there. Eventually, there'll be one film that made out of Boris Johnson's written material where they use every slur ever made in the English language. The most powerful all of cinema into it. Yeah. And the thing is it'll be produced by like the same people at Netflix

who like makes who like make like Nanette and Queer Eye and all the things they're supposed to make you feel good. They also produce that they also produce the movie. There's just one guy shouting the N word for seventy two minutes. So the second episode, though, is a real look at how Boris imagines how the psyches of the poor and women work. He suggests, for example, that one woman's life would have been dramatically improved if more grown men hit on her when she was twelve.

And that she wanted to fuck her dad, who was John McCain. Also that the second episode is by far the horniest. And it was just emotionally grueling for us to get through. Yeah. Was this book ghostwritten by Rod Liddle? We had an argument before we started before you showed up this about whether or not this was ghostwritten and Riley said that a ghostwriter would be the least marginally competent. And so in a way, the fact that it's so

transparently, Boris is weird, it and also really horny seems to indicate that it must have been written by him. Well, they're worried about competence. I say again, Rod Liddle. No, because I think I think like with Rod Liddle stuff, like it's basically like it's absurd, but it's kind of like just him getting very angry all the time. Yeah. Whereas I feel like Boris is is less angry, but more horny. Yeah. Like he's angry, but then he like distracted.

He gets distracted by like horny notes. So we'll have like these sections where he just like gets really I mean, he's like, OK, we're back to the story about like the terror. It's like breezily dismissive. He doesn't like breezily, racistly dismissive. He doesn't necessarily get as infuriated as Rod Liddle would. Yeah. But instead it's just like, oh, I guess he's muddy-coloured people doing their foul things. Oh, good things.

Then it's just like all of the tumult is directed entirely at himself and like the whole psychosexual thing. It's just arrogance rather than venom. But yeah, there's a narrative there's a narrative structure behind it that basically the person observing it, the way that it's narrated, it's like sees things very racistly, but also isn't necessarily bothered by that. It has no idea. It's just it's like you're not drunk when you're wearing beer goggles,

but you see it like a drunk person would in the same way. So here's the perfect example, which is that Boris Johnson in two parts cases in the book uses the slurs half cast and Chinaman, not as slurs, just because he's like, well, that's that's what you call them. Yeah, it's just descriptive because he's an everyman and everyone does that. And if you don't do that, then you're an effete metropolitan liberalist. Indeed. And you'll probably end up getting the American president killed because you're weak or something.

That that is a big part of the story, unfortunately. So here's here's the summary. A group of four terrorists, including two Arab nationals and two British converts, steal an ambulance and use it. Already a bad start. As as Milo said before, he was walking out of the studio because he had a show to go to tonight. It's right wing four lines.

It's always the fucking converse. Isn't that? Yeah. So you just get we just get too into it. So people who like started watching Game of Thrones at like season four. Yeah, sure. Compensating for a lot of like law. So a group of four terrorists, including two Arab nationals and two British converts, steal an ambulance and use it to break into Westminster.

Well, the president of the US is giving a speech. One of them, Jones, is the ideologue and terrorist leader. Two of them, Haroun and Habib are just evil and foreign and horny as hell. They're constantly just leering at women and like checking off and just completely incompetent and one dies peeing. What's that like Haroun and Habib, but not like. I guess, you know, maybe, yeah, maybe they are our names. I don't know, like more like names I dissociate with like Pakistanis.

Yeah. But I guess like doesn't make a difference. They're supposed to be Palestinians. Of course. One of them, Dean, is a West Country simpleton who has given far too many handouts by the state and therefore turned to a life of crime and then got radicalized in prison and now is doing Jihad. Yeah, he's way in jihad. Yeah. Roger Barlow, the bumbling stand-in for Boris Johnson,

is accidentally involved in letting them in. It doesn't matter how it's not very clear, but it's through his sexy, younger American aid, whose name is Cameron. Just that's so sublimated. Who's described as, quote, looking like a lingerie model, but smarter and with bigger breasts. That is how I would describe David Cameron. She's the one that wants to fuck her dad, who's John McCain.

Specifically, what happens is somehow her older academic boyfriend like wasn't racist enough or like was trying to do like an edgy lib stunt. And so let the terrorists in to parliament, but he thought they were going to like bring someone who is disabled from being in Abu Ghraib with them and be like, this is what you did. This is democracy manifest, Banksy. And instead, he just let the terrorists in. There's also a sexy French palace.

And his name is Adam Swallow. It's like somebody printed a bunch of Daily Mile articles and then put them in a word jumble. And then you're like, benefit scrounger jihadi. Yeah, it was like, it was like someone ran like Clippy's narrative interface over this and made this awkward. You say like when you actually lay it out like this, it does seem like it should be written in like a letter to the police

explaining why if you find all of the clues, the killings will stop. Well, we also we talked about this in the second episode, but effectively, there's a there's a portion where he lines out all of the salaries of the overpaid new labor apparatchiks that were supposedly involved in trying to stop this guy's life of crime. And like all the hundreds of thousands of pounds, they were apparently paid like person by person. And it just sort of assumes that like he seems to indicate

that the the incompetent British state run by by terrible new labor rights has effectively created all these departments for one person. It's also like the terrible British state as it was created by new labor did create a lot of terrorists just elsewhere. Was it was it William Burroughs that used to do the cut up technique where he would take words and then mix them all up and then David Bowie used that technique for Moonage Daydream. And this this is like this is right wing William Burroughs.

You had a much higher culture thing than me. I was thinking of terrible movie, The Snowman. Dear Mr. Police, I gave you all the clues. You see, that's again, when I when I tell more of this story, that what will become evidently clear is that this is actually just the novelization of Metal Gear Solid 2. Like there are tons and tons of parallels that will become clear, which is why I would like to title this episode Boris Gear 3,

New Phantom Apotheosis Era. So you're telling me that this is by extension the most prescient piece of media in our lifetimes. We'll see. So anyway, so how about this? It's like a version of Metal Gear Solid 2 written by a PG Woodhouse character. I just have to interject it because as someone who played Metal Gear Solid 2, very excitedly when it came out, there's a level boss in Metal Gear Solid 2

who is an overweight guy on roller skates who throws bombs at you and you have to wait for him to take a snack break before you can hit him to cause damage. So you have set my expectations very, very high for where this plot is going to go. Also, like there's barely any Roger Barlow in this. There's like a protagonist swap to the sexy, the sexy American research assistant. So they're also a bevy of other entirely forgettable characters

made exclusively of the Wikipedia page of list of stereotypes, including various members of the US and UK security services and so on. So where we're going to start is right wing four lions charging out of the ambulance, also disguised as a TV crew for some reason. It's really hard to follow. So they're in an ambulance, but described as a TV crew. That's why TV crews love beer. They have.

But I think the whole thing is they have like a bunch of disguises. I don't know. I couldn't really figure it out. I mean, it's kind of like, OK, so the liberal media are actually just jihadists in disguise. Cool. Yes, yes, yes, that that comparison is made several times. So ambulance droifus, a lot of people are disguised jotties. So this is the the bomb, the right wing four lions slipping past the US sharpshooter, Jason Pickle,

which as an American, a guy say that's a fucking British name. All right. Yeah, you literally have pickles. So from his vantage, Jason could make out the odd detachment of media representatives with their cameras and sound booms. Vermin, he thought, and he looked at them as genocidally as a Hutu beholds a tootsie. She's fucking brazed. Oh, oh, I knew we were strong.

I was the prime minister of the United Kingdom. I knew it was going to be bad. I was braced for it, but that one still got me. Just the first. Oh, I don't think I don't think I thought I would be shocked by anything in this. No. And I'm already. Oh, Nish. Oh, poor, sweet, Nish. Oh, innocent. Oh, sweet summer, Nish, you know nothing of war.

So basically what happens is, oh, here we go. So I'll finish that line. So to take out basically what happens. OK, if it hadn't been for that daily mirror guy, I thought Jason. So basically, Jason hates the press because he committed a litany of war crimes in Iraq and his name became synonymous with them. Damn, Marina, it is all. So pick a lie.

Yeah, it is always. And so this is then the story of him coming back home after having been exposed as a war crimes committer. It cuts back in and out. It's a really bad book. You're going to have to try to follow me. But what is he doing in Britain? He's overseeing the president coming in.

He's like a sharpshooter regarding the president service then or something like that. I don't think it speaks to our cultural inferiority complex that even the prime minister of this country when he was trying to write an exciting novel was like, let's make it the president of America because no one cares. No one cares about the UK. Basically, what he's because it does seem there's some of this is a little bit derivative and it feels like he's really he's rewriting.

He's rewriting true lies, except the secret to solving the plot is racism. Correct. So this is this is the the sniper returning home and why he's going to have a lot of trouble shooting for right wing for lions. Did they miss him in the airport? It's always a tricky moment in life and literature. What a returning warrior opens his own white picket gate and walks up to the terrifying ambiguities of his own frostpane door. A horrible line.

The Greeks called it Nostas the moment of return and nostalgia is technically the longing for what should be a joyful occasion. But often isn't, of course, padding word count. Yeah, he finds war crimes as Odysseus came back to find his house overrun by strange men trying to go to bed with his wife. Agamemnon returned to find the little woman and apparently good spirits gave her a loving kiss and said he was back. Glad to be back after 10 years.

Then she ran a bath and stabbed him to death. Damn, women, women be scheming. Jason, honey, his wife, Wanda, had exclaimed with every sign of enthusiasm, but he was made nervous by the brightness of her eye and put off by her red lipstick. Yo, women, you don't even need to wear makeup. You're beautiful like you are. Oh, my God, just don't wear makeup.

Guys don't even like it. This is this is starting to feel like one of my undergraduate essays. Like at 2 a.m. I'm like, still 1600 words to go. No, this is my conception of American politics. At the same time, this was written when I was 14. But I was like, yeah, what if the troops just cucks actually? In the days that followed, he had entertained doubts about his wife

more than entertain them. He'd invited them round, given them bed and board in his heart and listen with gloomy resignation as the doubts rabid it on into the night, refusing to take the hint no matter how much he coughed and stretched and signaled that their welcome was outstayed. It's just really just like concentrating is it's closing his eyes and be like, what house, what house, what house? And then she had clinched matters.

She dared refer to what had happened in Baghdad as a massacre and then lamely tried to excuse herself. What the fuck? I'm also laughing because this book was written in 2004 or 2005, like early 2000. Shouldn't the work room still be in prison for war crimes? Literally, the war started two years ago in this timeline. Indeed. Pickle had hit the table and she had cried. Then he left shortly after.

Anyway, so that's the background of him like about to try to shoot right wing for Lyons because he knows that something's up. Yeah, but someone's been emailing his wife about his war crimes. So nothing gets past the pickle. So so he's back watching this ambulance coming with right wing for Lyons and this is word for word what Boris has written. That's always bad when you have to say that. Down below him, Jones, the bomb, pulled the

handbrake and got out of the driver's cabin 60 feet above him. The sharpshooter rested his barrel on the gargoyles ears and brooded again on the options, dark men, white van, ambulance, getting out, something funny, bulky waistcoats, terrorists, shoot them, dark men, TV crew, could be nothing, could be something. No time, dark men, white van, car in Baghdad, could be innocent, could have been innocent. No time, shoot first, wait. Famously, that's what goes through my thoughts when I'm guarding the president. It's very theatrical, very punctuated.

Uh huh, racism, like Rottweiler energy. Yeah, that's just what Boris thinks the lyrics of that REM song is the end of the world. That's all he hears when he hears that song. Dark men, dark men, dark men, white van. Bokyver's terrorist. It's the end of freedom as we know. Jesus Christ. Oh, this is.

It is something. It's early on and I'm already going to have to use the phrase worse than I'd fear it. So basically what happens is because he's afraid of either being racist or because he's got PSTTSD for his war crimes, a group of a group of right wing four Alliance terrorists then manages to strike at the heart of the country and attempt to assassinate the president. And this is also somehow the fault of the daily mirror. Yeah, they shouldn't have exposed the war crimes.

His wife shouldn't have left him about the war crimes. Everyone should have just loved him. But this is this is the sort of thing that Johnson, I'm sure, would be delighted by. But there would always be weird bits in 24 where like Jack Barber, like amnesty international, like there would be for what he's going for, he's not a million miles off the tone of those actual TV tracks that like we're coming out around that sort of time, but there would always be weird bits in 24 where he'd be like, don't tell me the bloody UN are on about their human rights again.

So like Johnson is operating along the over that he was trying to reach. I mean, I think it's like, yeah, he he that's absolutely true because there's also another point in the story where the right wing four Alliance manages to like get into parliament. I haven't included it here just for time, but where they don't have like valid passes or something and someone just waves them through because they don't want to be accused of discrimination. That's literally Hussein's tweet, though.

That's literally like love to infiltrate parliament while dressed as a camera crew without credentials because security is afraid that they don't want to be racist. Everyone knows I'm a terrorist, but they won't see anything about it. So I just want to say that like as someone who has been like not allowed to come into parliament, despite having like a press pass because I haven't had quote unquote valid ID, like this wouldn't have happened. Also, like, yeah, that only kind of really applies. I don't know now where the whole like, you know, but back in 2004,

that wasn't the case, right? Like people were really racist back then. And like you would just tolerate it. It would just be like, OK, that's fucking like just the way of life, right? This was also because this is before like John Charles DeMenezes was shot as well. Right. So you still got like I remember I vividly remember like, you know, the very increase of like police presence, you know, this is not like the fucking politically correct time that people envision now, but it definitely didn't exist

back then because his entire world was this was like the telegraph. So all the telegraph, this is around when they started picking in the Daily Mail, started picking up the universities are making it illegal to be British type of thing. Yeah. And when you can't arrest the terrorists because the police have to stop and ask them for their pronouns first kind of. So basically now only one man can save Britain. And it's Roger Boris Johnson Barlow, except what do you know? He's kind of a bumbler.

Oh, no, that's the worst flaw anyone can have is to be clumsy. Any, every single woman all like debates in their mind sleeping with him in the book. They don't actually do it, but they all think about it. I could have, even before you told me the title or indeed the subject matter, I could have told you there will be a character very similar to Boris and every woman debate sleeping with him. I could have done that sight unseen. So Roger Barlow should have easily caught up to those four terrorists

and under any normal circumstances, he would have done so. But his legs were tired of just so much running that his feet were dragging. No, not November is hard for some people. He snared himself in one of the long black cables that coiled through the members entrance and fed the TV lights and the cameras tripping and falling flat in his face had Roger been in the mood for literary echoes. So Boris was he might have he might have caught his resemblance to the Vatican sculpture of Leo Kuhn who warned in the vein of the Trojan horse and was devoured

by sea snakes, Leo Cohen, by the way, was devoured by sea snakes because he fucked his wife in Poseidon's temple. So his own analogy just kind of falls on its face, too. All that's happened there is Boris has rendered a holiday to Rome tax deductible. That's all that's happened there. Yeah, no expensive scandal for him. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Have you read my novel? Haven't you read my taught sexy action thriller where the main character drives a Rolls Royce and goes to Rome? So here's like. So this is this is the terror, the terrorist right wing four lions. Of course, have made it into the audience chamber where the president of the U.S. is giving his some anodine speech about the special relationship to the assembled

everyone and all the TV cameras in Britain are on him for an audience of what we can agree is like 10 weirdos who watch BBC Parliament. Yeah, this is this is not like now when people generally are watching BBC Parliament. In 2004, no one was watching BBC Parliament. Like it's but also it's every what is the American president's character like? Is he a sort of he's George W Bush, George W Bush and you can tell because there are a couple of links to the news in this story after that. No, nobody has a lot of doing this couple of sly little references.

It's like, oh, oh, it's him. It's the guy I got. I can't believe George W. Bush is in the four restaurants and extended universe. That will do. Mr. President said, Jones, the bomb, clicking a handcuff over the president's limp wrist. President, president twice in the same sense.

Is this called George W. Bush gave pause? I don't know, handcuffing yourself to a dude kind of sauce. Then he held their hands up together as the umpire raises the hand of a boxer to show that their fates were now conjoined. Do they refer to the art that was umpires? I think they call it referees. I'm just sitting on the chair. Yo, no, Boris Johnson is doing like, oh, I don't follow sports ball kind of thing.

I prefer reading Roman statues. It was like that picture he took where he pretended to watch cricket. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was like, kind of, which is very bizarre for lots of different reasons. Oh, and also the photo he took a couple of weeks ago, where he was watching the rugby and angled no one has ever watched television. Yeah, that's what I meant. Sorry, he was sort of like he was wearing his shirt, rugby shirt,

but it was over his shirt and tie and it just I mean, he he did look like someone who's a bit worse for wearing a night out in Clapham. Like he really had that sort of demeanor. So this was it thought Jones, he'd done it. Whatever happened now, he would join the ranks of the immortals for this action. In Mecca, Medina and all the holy places of Islam, babes unborn would lisp the name of Jones. But why would they lisp it?

Because they're babies, no, like they have soft pallets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Defective brain. I thought he babes like babes. I was like, you know, basically, you know, Arabs are going to love it. You know, the vibes of Islam, Khaled.

Yeah, so now that like, you know, we've struck at the great Satan Arabs, they're going to fucking love it. They're going to love it. They're all going to be crazy for this one, you know, because Arabs love to do terrorism. Yeah, and they also love to celebrate when people attack the weird presidential address given at the House of Parliament, which is being televised to the world. I like that he knows two of the holy places of Islam.

It's like, OK, in Mecca, Medina can't think of a third one. So all of the rest at once. I mean, I feel like charting this plot, you can very accurately retrace his browsing history from Wikipedia articles of the next. Like he was on. He was on the ancient Greek mythology. On hand, pray to the cat bar. I'm going to put it out there and say the one person's internet history.

I never want to see his Boris Johnson's. Oh, yeah, I think he's still a guy who like still Google's pictures of like boobs. I don't think he's a porn hub guy. I think he's a guy who's just like big boobs. But I just had the idea that would be that. But it would be in his like sort of rendition of lattice characters. So it'd be like tremendous knocks or something like that.

So here's the synthesis of all these opinions. Boris Johnson actually has FHM still making topless magazines and he's the only one he's just really into Kelly Brooke. Yeah, he's like, yes, I want to still see what Keeley Hazel's boobs look like a new background each month, but never more than that. What is Jodie Marsh up to these days? So basically what's happened is that everyone and they're always referred to as the Arabs have smuggled in guns somehow.

Doesn't matter. And now these four terrorists and Benedict, the sexy, dusky, palestinian mistress of the French president have explained that they all have dead men switches connected to bombs that they're all wearing and they're handcuffed to the president. So it's like you have to pay attention to us now. So into the cameras, Joan says, today is is is a trial, but not just the trial of this bad man, it is the trial of America before the eyes of all the people of

Britain and before the eyes of all the people of the world. Again, padding word count. It's also like follows the script of like an anime, right? So like, you know, in an anime when like a villain is about to get his own way, but he decides to like give like a fucking 10 minute monologue. Yes, but this is like a porn sub-spicy called anime. So there'll be a bit in brackets that says, I don't know what this says, sorry. And like during those 10 minutes, that's what like his whole plan just like unfurls.

His plan is the speech. I'll clarify this. I bring you this bad man to this place of history so that he and his country may answer for their crimes, but I'm not presumed to be the judge myself. Instead, everyone in this hall will have the chance to speak, yes, to speak in favor of or against him, just like in a court of law. And then the world would judge him as we will broadcast his speech around the world. Again, world, world, like the guy just come on one edit

and people will phone in their verdict to the BBC vote now on your phones. Yes, the world will judge America. And in a minute, I will explain how it will be done. But first I must ask you to surrender your phones. Also, what the fuck kind of mechanism is this? Where it's like, just don't worry, the BBC will of course be tallying the votes, obviously, and obviously they're not going to tell us something that's different to what's happened.

No, of course, all of this is going to work. And by the way, I'm I assume everyone's watching BBC Parliament. Yes, around the world, the entire world is watching this right now. Can I ask, was he typing this directly into the printer? He was like on the phone, just summarizing what it is that he wanted. He was definitely lazily dictating this over a bad sky connection. I literally feel like if the international champions of like high school model UN's prize was to write a spy novel, then it would turn out more coherent than this.

So basically what happens is if the world says America is OK, then the terrorists walk away somehow, throw themselves in the mercy of a court, whatever. But if the world says America is bad, then America has to release all the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay generally just for trial, just for trial in their own countries, that's all like this is like reasonable low expectations for like trying to kill the president, right? They love the right wing for alliances, love justice as well. They respect lawyers and reality TV phone impulse.

They love the Strictly results show. You know, the thing about the BBC is that they can just improvise one of those worldwide at a moment's notice, you know, to save the president. No, no, not the not the president of the BBC, the president of the United States, of course, but this is this like Donald Trump, like if you if John Spicer doesn't win Dancing in the Stars, getting a nuclear strike, it's going to happen. So this is what's very this is where it becomes very clear to me that everything in the book was that was all fun and games leading up to this, which is actually

like because this was written in 2004, just after Boris Johnson voted to invade Iraq, right, like he's trying to strive himself of the support for military intervention in Iraq that created like one of the worst humanitarian catastrophes in the world that was already going terribly by 2004. And so he imagines the worst kind of cartoon villains of the people whose homeland he helped destroy, he imagines the worst things they could visit upon him and tries to reason out that, no, no, no, the world sides with me. I'm the good guy. I'm the good guy.

I'm the good guy. If the world had to take a vote tomorrow. Yeah. They'd say I was a good guy. Yeah. And so this is the rest of this book is all just Boris like Boris just wrestling with this guilt about being complicit in this atrocity. It is really sexy, isn't it? Because at least it's absolutely the history will vindicate me. Boris wants to be vindicated by the present. Yeah, yeah. Boris via a novel.

Boris wants to Boris wants to imagine the world in which everything he does is not just OK, but is sort of like charming. And this is his world. It feels like he's writing a character because his character is himself and much like the character, he would be very happy if everywhere he went, women just popped out of cakes for some reason. He also has to vote on whether or not to send troops to war and he feels guilty about that. So he has to be vindicated with women pop out of cakes, holding

a sign that says Saddam presented a clear and present danger. Women do be doing so. Here's the here's the side. No, this is where Barlow is asked to surrender his phone. And this is where we get his motivation for all of what he does for the rest of the story, because what you should do if you're writing a taught sexy action thriller is you should introduce your main characters, main motivation for how they act in the climax of the story.

Four pages before the climax of the story. Yes, it's good writing. That is I believe it was John Grisham who said that. So he's asked to surrender his phone and he says, I don't have one, said Barlow. He hope he's actually I don't own a television. He didn't like mobiles because you couldn't trust the Blighters. The snake game. It keeps cheating.

That is some that is some weak observational comedy from 1998. Because all these guys have their phones. Who are you talking to? Why can't you wait till you get home? Are you that important? Folks, terrorists drive ambulance is like this. They were technological judices, he thought, as he stared at the ceiling. That is someone whose wife has seen a text message.

One of us like really bad text messages, which is just like, what happens? That's literally what happens in the next line. Oh, my God, no way. You know, it's funny, I read the notes before this, I was going to make some joke about like he's had too many bills from the babe station, but I'm sorry. We're going to kill National Treasure Nishkumar with just absurdity. This is this is that picture of the couple who went to their local newspaper

because Virgin Media had issued them a ball for a large amount of pornography. OK, when you look at the picture, the guy standing next to his wife is very, very clearly purchased the pornography behind her back and is in wildly over his head. That's Boris Johnson's whole deal. So what if he was Jack Ryan also? So what if Venezuela attacked parliament? Then so there had been a god awful moment the other day when his bleeding mobile had contrived quite independently to call his wife.

He was somewhere he really shouldn't have been, not for his own good. And he was in the company of of the woman in whom this ghastly reporter from the mirror was now taking such an interest. Again, an awful sentence. We're going to have to parse when Nish is back with us. It's all about his affair. Accidentally, but accidentally, like just accidentally going to war because you actually because you butt dialed your wife while you were having an affair with

the mistress. So I'm going to have to parse that sentence because it's a real pasta. Yeah. So there is a woman from the mirror who's taking an interest in another woman who Roger Barlow was with when he accidentally called his wife. There we go, Boris. I rewrote your book better for you. It's absolutely.

There's a lot going on that so much going on. I love hell. Roger Barlow brackets. Boris Johnson is blaming the mobile phone and the journalist. So the woman in court. Hold on. Now this is. Oh, God, I guess this gets this gets teased out later as to what's really going on here. The woman in question is like a carbon monoxide leak.

We're just like slowly our cognition is getting more and more. So the woman in question seemed to deliberately to have exposed her bosom and was looking at him imploringly love to do that. Oh, please expose my bosom. Oh, so it says, oh, please, she drone. So she's Dr. Girlfriend. Oh, oh, please, she drone. You promised do it for you, Lily.

It's a fantastic investment. So do it for you, Lily. That's that's the capital letters. That's a name you, Lily. By the way, if you're confused as to who or what you Lily is, don't worry. It hasn't come up before this moment. This is this is the first time at the Climax that this random new plot point is introduced. It's called mystery, Riley.

Yeah, that's how you create anticipation is by leaving the reader in suspense. They could create a new plot point at any moment for any reason. I can't I cannot handle this. This is in the middle of the action based denim on this line of all he is broken off to tell a long anecdote about being rumbled in an infidelity. Yeah. Read a book, Nish.

I want to do a midquel to this book set during this anecdote. Well, shall we just release like a tightened up version of this book? Yeah, we get the director's cut of 72 virgins. It's like Blade Runner. At the end, you find out the Barlow is a replicant. So Roger had smiled at her because he really wanted to make her happy. And the thought he and then he thought he must be going mad. He could hear the voice of his conscience saying no.

So he doesn't have one of those. That's the most inventive piece of fiction in this whole book. So let's go back to it. Now a liberal TV chef. Every line of this is gold. I'm worried for you, Nish. A liberal TV chef called Chester de Peverell is making the case against America. Should the prisoners from Guantanamo be released or not?

And here's the case he makes. My honest opinion is yes. Yes, of course, the prisoners should go back and I see that without having an anti-American bone in my body. Do you know, in fact, some of my best friends are Americans, but I have a lot of trouble with the country. Do you know how many Americans get food poisoning every day? Two hundred thousand.

And it's no wonder when you consider the kind of goop they eat. Have you ever eaten American cheese? And do you know, said Chester scowling at Roger, that in spite of their pasteurized, homogenized, sterilized, emulsified, genetically modified and hormone pumped food, Americans eat so much of it that they're the fattest country on earth. We all know about the evils of the tobacco industry. We all know about the creeps and saddos who defend the right of every American school kid to bear arms, even if it means bearing an AK-47 into a maths class and

waving out teach and sixty sixteen prepubescent school children. But what, my friends, are we going to do about the real enemy of our values? I mean, our European values that have produced in France, a country with two hundred and fifty eight cheeses, the real enemy is not big oil or big tobacco, but big food. What? What the fuck? The shuddering fuck is that? That's like a real kind of.

What did Jamie Oliver do to Boris Johnson? He's also the last few pages of his book. These are like the last few pages of his book. So he's just decided he's just decided to, like, I mean, I watch Super Size, I love the idea of Boris Johnson writing like a spy thriller that ends in nuclear apocalypse. And of course, the French characters last lines are basically Oh, he's just written the flash animation about it was then taken that present

fires in missiles. That's what this is also around about the time of the whole like freedom fries debacle happened because France refused to like, yeah, wouldn't they wouldn't censor the rack word. So yeah, it became like a weird. Who is the liberal TV chef? I don't know why he's in parliament for the president's speech. He's just there.

And his like horny girlfriend just became just unveiled herself as a terrorist. The French ambassador's horny girlfriend just came out as a terrorist. Come on, Hussain. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just like, I'm sorry. This is a bit. Yeah, there's like this was even more confusing than like Avengers Endgame. So now we get to some voting.

The Chinese were now voting for the return because they're calling in the BBC. Remember, you know, how we just staged a worldwide polling show with all of that thing we can do where a billion people call the BBC. If we did a rewrite of this, could we like do a situation where like the Chinese are like Chinese people are trying to call in the BBC to do the poll and they accidentally call Babestation. No, there's one Chinese person voting on it. And that's that person from Hebe.

Yeah, the guy who's like who downs beers in the second world's coolest man. The cool guy. This is absolutely. Also, this is like another one of Boris's sort of gripes is coming through where it's like, well, obviously the BBC have way too much money so they can afford an international global moment. Just dial up to the BBC's world-spanning like hypersphere. It's like, you know, they're a national broadcaster.

They have contingencies for everything to include on the fly dancing with the stars, Guantanamo, like it just happens. So there we are. Is it like one of us like phone-ins like the CBBC used to do where it's like, you'll be charged 50 p.m. in a minute. As somebody who works a lot at the BBC, most of the place, including Hugh Edwards, is largely being held together by BlueTac. I'm struck by one thing, which is if you had to do this, like right now,

if this actually happened, the best infrastructure for doing it is probably still Eurovision, and that's a tremendously funny visual to me. So the Chinese were now voting for the return of the bound, gagged and ski Goggled Guantanamo prisoners by sixty eight to thirty two percent. So like also like just remember like Boris Johnson knows he helped make that happen. So the whole thing really is like defensive torture. Well, torture and also like not owning a phone and also not funding social stuff. And like it's it's it's a lot.

Let's say if you fund social programs and don't torture random Muslims, you find then society collapses. That's basically the thesis of this book. Yeah, I mean, and I think we can all agree that is absolutely correct. So that yes, cried liberated young Chinese girl that pencil skirts as they dialed the TV station, yes, the Chinese human rights activists into their snazzy news. Sony Erickson's never mind all that American think tanks had done to campaign against the Lao guy Chinese gulags.

Yes, what I don't know. Fuck, I have a thing about the Kato Institute. What? Why would you thank the Kato Institute for writing about Chinese gulags? Young Chinese girls in liberated young Chinese girls in pencil skirts, right? Not wearing burkas. I was going to say this is like the trope with this is always, I don't know, Afghan women or Iranian women. But I feel like Boris has such a thing about Muslims that he's like,

well, who else wears pencil skirts now in a liberated the Chinese. The guy is the guy is ceaselessly horny. Yeah, I can make out that's never in a way that he does anything about. That's why I think he only jacks it to like back issues or rather the secret new issues they produce of FHM and maximum. That's all of MI5's annual budget now is going to keeping FHM going in secret. For one issue a month. I just like Boris Johnson's political career by showing him pawn hub.

I just love the idea too that this has all happened in the span of a few minutes. They've managed to snap their fingers and you know, and gin up maybe an hour or so. But like during the president's speech in London, it's the middle of the night in China. Why are these girls are wearing pencil skirts? Are they in his mind? Are they relentlessly? Are they so relentlessly sexual that they're always dressed up for the nightclub? That's what being liberated is.

You just you wear the pencil skirt and anywhere you're outside of Boris Johnson's eye line, if you're a woman, you're horny. That's what you exist for. Yeah, it's like I imagine Boris Johnson writing these female characters that basically like exclamation points appear above their heads like metal gear solid characters, except it's just like wanting to fuck Boris Johnson. I mean, that is basically the truth because like on a very serious note a few weeks ago, when one of when he's like one of the writers at the spectator,

because he was also editing the spectator while he was an MP during this time, I think, or maybe he was like just forced to leave. And one of the anecdotes that like, I think Charlotte Edwards, who now is at The Times had basically said was like, yeah, he was just like a really fucking horny guy in the office and like he would do quite inappropriate things to like female staffers. She was she wrote the article about like the knee touch and everything. But like that was supposedly at like the lower end of the scale, like compared to

what has allegedly like other alleged things that have happened. Jesus. So big back to this, we're still in China. One, Chinaman told his brother to go and copulate with a pangolin in a lake. He was stabbed with a letter opener in the duodenum. Wait, wait, OK, wait, that's white, white. Where the pangolins live and why is it not China? And what has happened now?

Well, basically, he's like, all of the world's ethnic people are fighting in sort of like sitcommy ways, like Stephen King's the stand surveying all of the horror that's taking place across the world, except everyone is a really, really grossly rendered stereotype. Yes. Yes. There is also a Pakistani couple who are beating each other with their shoes because they disagree sometimes like I don't know what to say. It's a sex thing, I guess.

And Pakistan expert Boris Johnson added again. Yeah. So I also like, you know, he's just fully just he's just he's just saying Chinaman. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's out there. Just in a book. He's just written that. I mean, like it's unlike certain other words, like I think it's a word you can use referentially when someone else has said it. But like, we don't have to say the C word. But yeah, yeah, yeah.

The use mentioned distinction there is quite a sharp one, I feel. Yeah. So I think it's just indicative of a mindset that basically hasn't hasn't adapted to any kind of change in representation since like 1970. Yeah, it's far too young for that to be any. That's not even an excuse for someone who's at that old, actually. But in his case, like it's just I don't know, it's this weird. It doesn't even make sense. No, that's what I call it. He's fucking he's like the British Empire in its dying days conducted a secret

experiment to try and do the boys from Brazil, but to implant Rudyard Kipling's brain. No, I think I legitimately think that he's all of this is him in character as like what he envisions is sort of like this cynical Tory commentator on the world from like 1949, and he's just been doing this act for his entire career. And in this case, like it's just no one stepped in and said, hey, maybe this is a little bit weird and insensitive because I don't know. Because 2004, well, yeah. And also because British publishing is like a human centipede, apparently.

But like it's just I just don't get it. It's all in there for some reason. So, yes, now it was the time to hold America to account. They wanted those guys sent back from Cuba and the unthinkable was starting to become the politically correct. Oh, no. A global feels like a burn on all of us. A global conviction was being born that it was forgivable just this once to

comply with a terror terrorist stunt. So Chester to Peverall jawed on protected by Jones. He began on the infamy of America's refusal to sign the Kyoto protocol, and then America's disgusting attempt to patent seeds that were the intellectual property of third world farmers. Barlow and the others had at one point tried to slow hand clap him, but Jones was having none of it. Jones wanted the debate and yet he was growing increasingly antsy for more

than 20 minutes now. He had held the Western world at his mercy. Which again, that's sub shit for Boris Johnson. He's being fantasizing about being someone holding him at their at their mercy. That is once we get him onto a porn hub, we just upload this as like blonde twink gets fucked. And it's Chester to Peverall, the TV chef. Remember the TV chef who attended a high security seat in a parliament to see

the American president talk. This book is so bad, it takes away your object permanence. I can't understand. We were in China a second. Oh, my God. And he knew it would not be long before the imperialists struck back. But then the French ambassador speaks in support of America. And this is an excerpt from his speech.

Our friend, the cook, whose recipes for duck, leaf soup and placenta pie I have not yet had the good fortune to sample told us that many American soldiers who are deployed are deployed overseas. Well, I should not have to remind you that there are many thousands of American soldiers still in France. Go to Normandy, go to Omaha and gold and Juno and sword beaches and then go see the receding vistas of white crosses on the huge green lawns, which contain the remains of thousands upon thousands of the Americans who gave their lives to the

freedom of my country, of our country, who sacrificed themselves, the freedom of Europe, go to Flanders in the Ardenne, go there you fools who despise and deprecate America, go there and tell me that we, the people of France, do not owe the Americans an eternal debt, a debt which is our privilege in some small way to pay back today. So Aaron Sorkin took over from this point, you know, like PG Woodhouse would have written over because at one point Boris in an interview is like, yeah, I didn't want people to think it was just going to be too much like PG Woodhouse.

Don't worry, no risk of that. No, but all of those guys got shot on Omaha Beach to defend America's right to torture people, right? If we don't do that, then it's not meaningful anymore. If we if we if we release the people in Guantanamo Bay who are just like kidnapped from the streets of Kabul or Baghdad or whatever and then just let them go be tried in their home countries, then what did our boys fight for in Normandy? We're basically torturing them.

And yeah, yeah. What the fuck? How does the fuck does this have to do with relate with the Guantanamo Bay prisoners? Wasn't wasn't D-Day like 75 years ago? Yeah, I mean, like, if anything, it's still happening. At some point, D-Day kind of like the Trump card kind of can't be used anymore. And I mean, I get it. This was written in 2004, but still like it just seems so, I don't know, weirdly.

This is the thing that it goes from being cutting up headlines to being like mad libs, like it just seems as though it's it's it's been I don't know. It's it's such a fixture that like it doesn't even make sense that you could use this in a plot and not have it be like this predictable. Either the French guy is going to be the one to, I don't know, to cast the deciding vote against America, because he's French and he's venal and he's weak or whatever. Or instead, it has to be like weirdly patriotic like this. Just I don't know, this this this is sub trope.

Well, one thing one thing I'm grateful to Donald Trump for is like a lot of these things, he has implemented that trope about D-Day so incompetently that it might finally kill it off when he asked where the Kurds were on D-Day as aware as to why the US should support them in Syria. I think that kind of laid bare just how sort of flimsy the whole exercises. Well, and I think the other thing we have to do here is remember that like this is much more interesting as a psychological investigation of what Boris's anxieties are. And so when presented with a series of like correct

like correct arguments about stuff that America and Britain have jointly done, that he's been responsible for, he just relies on elite solidarity to just protect him from like America or parliament or whatever for any kind of consequence. He's like, no, no, don't worry. The rest of the elites of the world will come and they'll see reason and it'll be fine. Don't worry that all of these terrible things that I'm imagining being visited upon me by when they're not going to happen. Don't worry, I'm going to be safe.

Everyone's going to love me. Roger Barlow, Boris Johnson. It's great because it's like Garth Marengi or the Alan Partridge book because it's the brilliance about bad writing is it lays bare a lot of the authors insecurities and kind of it's like a psych profile of the author. Like he I mean also is the chef supposed to be Heston Blumenthal? I don't know. I know I'm really fixated on this,

but I can track everything else. Yeah, but I can't track the liberal TV yet. I just can't this isn't the point that we should be focusing on. My objection is even more granular. I cannot figure out like the placenta pie is really. That's why I think Blumenthal really, that's what's thrown me back into Blumenthal. It was around the time like the fact that maybe open maybe it was. El Bully was I'd been was I think just a bit.

Let me let me make sure I don't want to get my facts wrong about this incredibly vital point, but I've got to make sure my best restaurant. It's about whether or not we're talking about a Fahrenheit caricature or not. Yeah, well, because it's it's been open for a long time, but then it was like thrust into the into the much further into the public eye in the 1990s. So yeah, I think you might have been talking about El Bully. You've gotten Riley onto a cooking thing now. But that's what I mean.

Like, does he think that like molecular gastronomy is some facet of leftist though? Yeah, because it's because the French, the French Prime Minister, the French President travels with a Michelin star chef in his entourage politically for some reason. Yeah, but this but the French Ambassador is who also is like he's not a pussy. Wow. He was he was just like dating a weird terrorist for some reason.

So the but like I think there's a bit of the oh, it's not proper stick to your ribs. British food. But the thing is like the food thing comes up over and over again in this book as well, because there's always protesters portrayed who are always like insanely rich and just swilling champagne and then throwing the bottles at the policemen who are just like taking bets on if they keep Karan's in ambulances. To be fair, that is the future that we want. Yeah.

So wait, he's taken the phrase champagne socialist. Very literally. Yes. I'm always reminded of Garth Marengi's quote. Some writers use subtext and those writers are cowards. Boris Johnson is very much we're going back to now. We're going all the way back to Iowa. We're going back to the States in Iowa. Wanda Pickle, remember that sniper's wife?

Oh, my God, Wanda Pickle. Vote and tell me she was wearing some of her stupid red lipstick. Voted solidly for the president go voted solidly for the president. And so did mom's new friend Howie, a realtor who she met on the set of a daytime TV show. Who's mom? Is this Mr. Pickle, the sniper's son? Yeah, now he's a new dad. I think either I edited down a line or he forgot to.

I think it's more likely the second. I think he has just tried to write this guy being cucked by some realtor and has just like fucked up and accidentally a word. It's like the book version of a CD skipping. That's what my brain feels like. My brain feels like one of those like Walkmans that were pre shockproof. Yeah, I'm sorry to disappoint everyone. In Iowa, Wanda Pickle and Jason Jr.

voted solidly for the president. And so did mom's new friend Howie, a realtor whom she had met on the set of a daytime TV show. Right, right, right. So no, he did accidentally work because what's mom referring to? Who's the speaker in that sentence? It's clearly it's supposed to be the perspective of a young Jason, but still like that's a weird thing to shoehorn in. Yeah, it's clearly the little pickle.

Yeah, obviously. It's killing love. We've suddenly now hopped perspectives. It's like it's Joyceian in many ways. Now we're in LP. I'm just imagining all is like different colored pickle ricks. So OK, now now I'm like shifting my perspective a bit because like the whole idea of a mass attack on the world through media that put me in mind of Metal Gear

Solid 2, as did like the blurring of the lines between fact and fiction. Like remove your ideas as Metal Gear Solid 1, but like remove your memory card to beat Psycho Mantis or whatever stuff like that. But now you're right. It's also Finnegan's wake because like the perspective from the stories being told changes mid sentence. The peoples of the earth were beginning to change their collective mind. You know their collective mind, the one mind that they all share.

The boss was a young Ian. Yeah, you know, he's what's he's doing a Zerg rush. It might be that the global consciousness of our species as Blake or Rousseau understood it, yeah, was being affected by considerations of right and wrong. It might have been a statistical error, but at the bottom of the screen was a big bi-colored bar rather like those used in televised rugby internationals. Padding word count to show which side had the higher percentage of ball possession. Padding word count for the first time.

I have watched sports. So everyone shut up about that for the first time. The right hand blue side of the bar was bigger than the left hand red side of the bar. Padding word count, padding word count, padding word count. Blue is good, blue is good, red is bad. In politics, if you're voting, blue is good by 51 to 49 percent. People appear to be voting for America, even if it meant the retention of the prisoners in Cuba, you know, because of D-Day, they had a rousing patriotic speech.

So now they're OK with war crimes. If they do patriotism, they'll forgive me for my war crimes. Me, Boris Johnson, I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. The world will side with me now. They have to like me. All these women want to fuck me. They won't, though.

Also, does he think that when elections happen, that's the country just deciding because the country has like a consciousness? This is kind of implying here. Like, well, I mean, with the rest of the people. Yeah, basically. But does he think Britain's a person? He just has to convince Britain one person like Britain is a sexy research assistant. Yeah, you just have to put the hand on her knee and.

Britain's like a lingerie model with bigger breasts and smarter. It's bullshit, said Jones. It's the Jewish cabal who run the American media complex. Here we go. Yeah, I'm sad to see that at the end of like 300 pages, Jones finally gets kicked out of the labor party. Finally, Jones says the president fact is you sure as hell misunderestimated the great world public because that's the thing that George

Bush says he did a Bushism. Remember those was life for me, right? Pessim's delightful, right? But yeah, this is just Boris talking to Boris. Moslems are dangerous. We were right to fight them. And now we have to continue keeping them under our boot, because if we don't,

they'll be dangerous. And when the world sees that, they'll forgive me. Yeah, in the big vote. Yeah, in the big world, but we all do the world vote to forgive Boris. And I will not be lip-syncing for my life at the Hague. God damn it. I mean, that definitely does. That definitely does sound like a Netflix, like special about to happen.

Oh, like in the future, war crimes will be decided that Eurovision will be decided by like RuPaul and Jonathan Van Ness. RuPaul at the Eurovision is fantastic. This is when Boris decides he needs to take action or Barlow decides he needs to take action. He was thinking the editors at the mirror would say to that sadistic girl, Debbie Gujaratny, who was persecuting him and ready to ruin his career with the story about always the good job, he's always to be fed to my mom.

She's been signed at the whole time, who is persecuting him and ready to ruin his career with the story about you. Lili, they'll say we can't do down Roger Barlow anymore. He's cool. We don't want any anti Barlow stuff. Barlow is in. They'll say Barlow is a hero. Barlow is cool.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God thought Roger Barlow. Why had he done it with you, Lili? Why did he put himself in this ludicrous position? And he thought back to his moment of failure. The woman with her shirt seemingly open to the waist, her lip gloss, her back hair, her busy little fingers on his arm. Oh, Roger, she droned. Oh, please, you promised.

So how are you so good at the doctor girlfriend? I love the venture brothers is how and then he because she's she drone. She's got a doctor girlfriend and he touched her cheek. Oh, struth. Had they been snapped and they Australia I don't know and then reach for his wallet. Oh, you Lili, you Lili. He moaned unless he spoke up forcefully.

Now you Lili was going to be his ruin. And so, you know, this motivates him to save the country is that he does. He wants to be good in the press. Wait, he saves the world to distract from marital infidelity. Well, we don't know what's marital infidelity. Sorry, I do apologize. This is the climax of the story. Jones's trigger finger was just closing when his gun arm was kicked sharply at

the elbow by Roger Barlow. You idiot MP said, Jones, what an air for dialogue. You fool. Oh, you fool member of parliament. How dare the people of Uxbridge have to have elected you and foiled my evil scheme, you idiot MP said, Jones and would have blown it would have blown Roger away with the bullet meant for Pickle, who was climbing up the stairs only now is gun jammed.

Hey, Roger said, I'm sorry. Yo, Roger, yo, Roger, sang out his beautiful research assistant and Adam and Adam, her lefty professor boyfriend, saw her exultant eyes and wish they'd been turned on him. Jesus Christ. She looked down at Jones and saw there was a little bald spot in the graying crown. She knew what she had to do. Her eyes went to black rod behind the black railing.

Before she could ask to borrow it, the necessary object was thrust without a word into her hand. Background for American listeners, black rod is like a ceremonial guard of the House of Lords, who's like an asher who carries up like a big black silver tip stick. Yeah, it's one of our dumb British things. It's a dumb British thing. But they recently talked about American news because they were watching. Yeah, the Queen's Speech or whatever.

Like, what the fuck is this thing? Yeah, so that's so funny when American news covers British politics. I feel like we don't have perspective until you someone else. Yeah, you see someone else's eyes and you're like, why the fuck is that woman dressed like an 18th century judge? So that's that person. Who then thrust the black rod into her hand without another word. Fraser.

And before she could act, she found that Roger had materialized beside her and touched her knee. No. And taken the ancient artifact with a wink and because he was her boss, she naturally deferred to him. Oh, fucking hell. Then Roger drew his arm back with a risty motion. He first learned as a child while thwacking the tops of the thistles in the meadow. A risty motion, a risty motion.

He learned as a child. Yeah, you know, a risty motion. That's not what he led, but he was doing a risty motion and hit Jones very hard in the base of the skull. Jones, the bomb said not a word and subsided subsided prone over the president's motionless shins when that happens. Black Rod smiled to see his eponym put to such good use. It was there to protect the House of Commons and it had done its job.

Number one, it's not the Black Rod is the usher and protector of the House of Fucking Lords. That's why the Black Rod goes and bangs on the door of the House of Commons when the commons has to be summoned to go to the Queen speech. Look, he's he's only worked there for 20 years. You don't expect him to know. Why did Black Rod bash the terrorist up? Because the sexy woman had to do it and then decide a man would be better at her job because he's the boss and he's like sexy and she looks at him with exaltant eyes.

That's why, you know, how Cameron is just a sub for Boris. I'm so confused. I mean, I understand what happened, but just how did this get published? How did this get I mean this the idea that literally every single action that he ever protects has to call back a memory like surely like when I'm in a really dramatic moment in my life, I'm like, oh, yes, the first time I picked up the gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the thing that pisses me off most about this quite unreasonably is the word eponym. Just say the namesake. People know what that means. Don't fucking ah. So we're now going to go and also like it's it's not lost to me that he's like, no, the ancient aristocratic symbols and trapping to the house of common save the fucking world. We need them.

Yeah, they do have practical uses in the 21st century. What if you need to bash a terrorist called Jones? Yeah, what about that? Yeah, you'll need you'll need someone dressed as a 19th century judge holding a sort of semi improvised weapon. Basically, the moral of the story is all traditional part of parliamentary decorations are really important. All social services are a waste of money.

Everyone Brown should go to prison. All women are horny for me, but I will never fuck them because I'm too courteous. Except when I accidentally call the Bay Station and Bunt Dial somehow. Yes, but also please love me because I'm feeling very guilty. About my complicity and what will turn out to be like a million dead people. So we're finally going to explain Yulily and this explains why Boris stroke. Barlow puts himself in a position of risk when the terrorists take over the debate club. So this is this is at the end.

Well, thought Roger Barlow as he sat back down again, stoned me. He was a bit stunned by his own recklessness, but one thing was for sure. After that, they'd never bother with this Yulily business now. So now everyone gets to guess what's Yulily. Like, is Yulily what he thinks like a Hawaiian name is? And she's it's a Hawaiian woman and he's just named her Yulily. Is it like some kind of MP expense scandal, but it's for buying lingerie for women from like a particular brand. Oh, yeah, Nate got it.

Jesus, I didn't read that. I mean, what the fuck? Yeah, none of us ever read the notes. Yeah, I read the notes. I skimmed them, but I knew you I knew you. None of you would read it in detail. So yeah, that's I believe that. Jesus Christ.

What now it's you got deep elements of it right, but not entirely. OK, OK, so don't gas me up too much here. Come on Yulily. What a prat he'd been twenty thousand of his own hard-earned pre-tax pounds in that invested invested in a lingerie shop called Yulily, which at least according to the Daily Mirror's pestilential Debbie Gujaratney was a fight for a brothel MP runs knocking shop was the headline he was dreading. But if tomorrow's front pages were about his

driveling escapades with Yulily, he would eat his hat. It was it was no doubt about it. A good day to bury the bad news. Here's the thing about the whole Yulily thing. Yeah, I think like here you might be like weird enough. You might be like, OK, at least there was a little bit of creativity in this story. At least he like he did. It wasn't just a straight ahead.

This happens and this happens and this happens. It might have been bad, but at least he invented something. Yeah, wrong. You'd be wrong. I'm just the idea that. Well, I can explain. OK, OK. This is literally beat for beat, including the name Yulily and the fact that it's

a lingerie shop, just the denouement of a PG Woodhouse book. No, it is lifted word for fucking your word. Fucking hell. The exact same in the in one of this Jeeves and Worcester stories, Roderick Spode, the fascist black shirt, who's supposed to stand in for Oswald Mosley has a scandal about something called Yulily and no one knows what it is. But then it turns out to be not an affair he's having, but a lingerie shop he runs

and Jeeves and Worcester expose that thereby stopping his scheme to get a Worcester married to someone or whatever. Boris Johnson, an incredibly long running piece of performance art by a collective of the most brilliant artists I can think of. He he made he made a postmodern novel in the intertextuality of which his own character of himself is a Woodhouse fascist. Yes, I am really that happened. There isn't a gas leak in here.

My brain is like shuffling down. Absolutely reeling. Like you have to also remember that Boris Johnson made Roger Barlow a stand in for Roderick Spode, a stand in for Oswald Mosley. What the fuck? This is this is the only other way to get the hit of DMT that you get when you die and experience brain death other than just like fucking injecting it into yourself is to read this and like really grapple with that.

Just conceptualize that and hold it in your brain. Just also, I mean, I'm still kind of laughing at the idea that he had to add in that detail, because not only not only is does he save the world by implementing a symbol of British imperial supremacy to kill a Muslim convert who's committing a terrorist attack, but he's also mad that his underwear purchasing scandal was with pre-tax. That daytime is so brilliant. Pre-tax.

So in reality, he did more like twenty seven. He is Hideo Kojima, isn't he? It's pure Kojima. It's what I say. It's what if a PG Woodhouse character not tried to write a PG Woodhouse novel at this point, because like Roger Barlow stroke Boris Johnson is already Roger exposed. He's already written himself as a PG Woodhouse character. This is reading this book.

Also reading this book is what causes the death stranding. Oh, my God. It's like it's like it's worse than the Kingsman and I can say nothing else other than that. Kingsman was good. Oh, it's a bag of shit. I was just going to say that like I've been quiet for a bit, but that's also because I'm just trying to like figure out. I'm still trying to figure out which character is which.

And the only thing I can think of is like the only person I remembered was like the Pickle. The only thing is right, in a very real sense, they're all Boris. They're all as fast as Boris's mum. Yeah. Cameron is what he thinks of David Cameron. Pickle is his own like his own version of Pickle. All of this is autobiographical. Every single one of these people, including Wayne Jihad, is a fucking like

lobe of Boris Johnson's diseased, smoothened brain. Wayne Jihad is Boris Johnson's anxieties about the fact that he is not as aristocratic as everyone else from the Bullying Club. Right, right, right. And he this is why he also keeps making these not quite correct classical references as well. Like it's Roger Barlow is just one small facet of Boris Johnson. And yet he's also the fast that he identifies with and is also the fastest

that, again, is explicitly a fascist. That's so what what weird detail to put in. Like, why just literally plagiarize PG Woodhouse? It's literal plagiarism. I feel like also the reason why we're the ones breaking this and nobody else is because the journalists of Boris Johnson's class, much like the people in this story, would never ever do the reading. And so as a result, like just like him having to use the Wikipedia summaries of

Greek mythology and whatnot, like this link, you've caught this because you actually read the book. You're the one person on this planet. I think you might be the only person who's read this book. It's a scoop like. And that's the other thing, right? Like really like broken news here. Yeah. British journalists also have attempted to like write about this book.

But all they write is like, oh, look at what he said about women. Look at what he said about like not what it's like. Look at the outrageous things he said, where he's like, no, we're we're doing a fucking psycho analysis like the reading public would read those exposés and be like, oh, whatever, he's racist. That's old news to me. Tell them he's also a plagiarist or like, that's too far. That's too much.

But also like, is this oh, is this a fixed of a fictive world in which P.G. Woodhouse didn't exist or is this like it's a world of total context collapse where the information has just like shuffled up like an accordion and Woodhouse is both real and not real and everything is Boris Johnson and also real news and fake news. Yeah, that's why that's why this is such like a Hideo Kojima style narrative. Yes, it is. So in conclusion, 72 versions is not actually a fiction book.

It is instead a book length confession by Boris Johnson of his deepest guilt, contempt and anxieties about both people he perceives as his betters himself and the people who over the last several years he's attempted to grind under his boot, you know, women, the working class, people of color, etc. In the form of what can only really be called attempted Woodhouse. Well, they don't give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry. Oh, yeah, but that's not the last word of the book. Here's the last word of the book and then we're going to have to close out

because this has been going for a while and my brain is bad. Yeah, author note, the only implausibility in this story is to imagine that Jones and Co could for a moment allude to the police who guard the palace of Westminster with such vigilance, tact and kindness. I knew he had to put something in about that. Thank you and good night. He had he had to put I knew he would have to put something in like that. Yeah. So just as a coda on my like on my book, where I like rack my brain for

like my petty fantasies of myself and anxieties about my fellow man, I put Blue Lives Matter. But also, in conclusion, who was the chef? Got to find this because it's the chef was Boris. This is this is the only the only word the air to Joyce, honestly. I love the idea that the film version of this has to be like being John Malkovich because everyone has to be Boris. The chef represents Boris masquerading as a liberal,

a sort of liberal Tory while he was mayor of London and gaining all of these metropolitan affectations. There's like a secret unwritten page where like the chef like that kind of leads to the sequel of the book, which is all about how the chef actually like runs Hamas. How the chef managed to get invited to the president. Yeah, that's that's what. Well, listen, when I if I was a crazy rich man, the first thing I would be doing is trying to obtain the film rights to this.

I think it was impossible to film. I also just love the idea that he wrote this with the intention of it being discovered and no one has done the work it to this point. So basically, our prime minister is the riddler. I was right the first time he did give us all the clues and we are Mr. Police. And we have guarded the palace of Westminster with tax and vigilance. Well, we are the cops now. We're doing a better job than like any actual journalist is doing.

So yeah, with the cops. Listen, journalists, we're coming. We're coming to your fucking job. Podcasters own you now. We're coming with tact and vigilance. Fuck you. All right, I'm I'm tired in my brain hurts now. So I think we're going to have to wind it down coated in prions or something.

This is this is where in me so much. I'm just I'm leaving the country. Yes, I'm actually leaving the country. I'm not coming back. So a few things. Number one, listen, if you if you want to get this guy, the guy who wrote this book out of office, what you have to do is register to vote and there's a link in the episode description.

You also should sign up with my campaign map that is provided by Momentum and it will give you your nearest marginal and that's going to show you where to campaign. There are campaigns and marginals happening all day, every day. You must sign up and you must go knock on doors because if you don't, then the person who wrote this will be in charge of your life. But if you do, then the person who wrote this gets to write a sequel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, which we all want to read. Yeah, Boris Johnson needs the time to write a sequel.

He doesn't need he doesn't need a lot of time. Boris Johnson needs a weekend or two. It's a small amount of time to write a sequel. And we need to read it in two Dalmatians or just be seventy three versions. So with all that in mind, also, we've got a live show on the 3rd of December. It's down in Vauxhall. Tickets links are going to be available for that soon. Vauxhall Cross specifically.

It's the big like sandstone and green building. You can't miss it. Yeah, all of you super ultra left people. Yep, you were right. We're an M.I.6 Scion and so do come to that and also do make sure to sign up to our Patreon as well. Second episode a week, five bucks a month. It's the standard deal.

Anyway, with all of that in mind, does anyone else have anything else they would like to plug? Yeah, well, there's your problem. My engineering podcast is launching as an actual podcast again instead of just a bunch of videos. So keep an eye on our Twitter, which we also just have. It's WTYP pod. Alice, that makes way too much sense.

That's such a sentence that has a clear purpose, a clear call to action, clear. I know what's going on. It's a mystery now. I'd forgotten what coherent expression sounded like. I have nothing to plug, except for I'm going to be in America for a while. I'm going to be in New York for a while. So if you're a fancy man, OK, so no, I would know. I was just going to say, but like because a lot of our audience are American,

yes, you should come hang out. Like we can go look at some big rats together. I just invite me on your show. I want to like just talk about like even and it's all grist for the content, Mill. Yeah, you want to turn your parasocial relationship with Hussein into a normal social relationship? If you live in New York, now's your chance. All right.

So I think we're going to sign off, everyone. Thank you again for listening and come on. Get this guy, get this motherfucker out of office. Thank you for being here. Oh, see, cool. It was my absolute pleasure to engage with this literary master. I'm not sure that's true. And no, I listen.

There's nothing I like more than absolutely appalling shit books. It was it was a real treat. I want an absolute pleasure. Yeah. All right. So with that, goodbye, everybody. Bye.