TRASHFUTURE - Bullshit Jobs for Bullshit Industries (ft. Hussein Kesvani)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Nothing like a countdown to really put pressure on the first things you say, so it's really intense. What I wanted to clarify was that you are starting this podcast having to shit. Yeah, yeah, that's very true. And you're not going to shit. He might know because I'm committed to the podcast and because also you don't have toilet paper. Yeah, that would be the main reason is this episode of the one where Milo needs to put

Starting point is 00:00:48 throughout swear to God, if you do, friend, should we just do I think we should just do that. I think in the irony, it's fine. Oh, good Lord. Nobody told you life was going to be this dystopian. Can we make that our intro music? What Milo? Dissulturally singing an us themed version of the Friends theme.

Starting point is 00:01:10 I think that actually might be the like the epitome of our low effort aesthetic is Milo singing through a phone. I don't know. Journalist in overall dirtbag left good Twitter follow who's saying Kassavani, what do you think about that? You have to eat his mic a lot more subtle, subtle intro from you there, right? Not pulling is the new not wanking. I'm I'm actually a non-corp.

Starting point is 00:01:35 Oh, man. Oh, man. Without a body. Really actually gives a whole new meaning to the word incorporated. Yeah. Hi, I'm saying thanks for coming. That's true. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:50 Hey, actually. Hey, Hussein, thanks for not shitting is for cucks. Very good. You keep your essence and you make sure that some bitch whores and steal it from you and family court to two wank jokes down nine to go. You know, I think that's optimistic Charlie. It's it's like we've we've we have to do eleven total wank jokes and we've done nine nine eleven coincidence.

Starting point is 00:02:15 I think nine wake up sheeple. Obviously the trash future podcast, the podcast, but how the future is trash did nine eleven when I was eleven. Great. It was it was nine eleven because it was done by a nine year old and an eleven year old. Oh, that's the best joke of the podcast. Here we go. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:43 We've picked early. What do we got? What do we got today? Well, the world's still dumb. Surprisingly, our very own posh posh Trump accidentally did a racism in Myanmar. Yeah. How are we all? I hate it when I accidentally do a racism in Burma.

Starting point is 00:03:06 Yeah. Well, see what they did there. You know, tallies as well. You can only do an accidental colonialism like three times in your life to use them wisely. What happens when you use up all three? You become foreign secretary. Yes. That's basically what happens.

Starting point is 00:03:26 Yeah. You better do make your three colonialism is really profitable. Like get in get into some like Central African mining or something, you know, don't don't waste it on having a house boy. Oh, God. I mean, I mean in Boris Johnson's case, I think he probably used his. I don't know, 60th on just, you know, proving how clever he was at impressing a bunch of like bored Burmese farmers by like reciting a racist poem.

Starting point is 00:03:55 I think Boris Johnson used his 60th when he was still at prep school. And I think Boris Johnson's first 59 were all just like impregnating women in like third world countries and then leaving hastily. So you think they're just a bunch of like just like, like, like just bumbling like idiots that look like boiled hams, just sort of running around sort of the entirety of the global south, sort of calling this viciously retongued. Children basically like creating Boris Johnson clones who can take over different parts of the world.

Starting point is 00:04:28 It's sort of weird genetic colonialism. Maybe this was the plan all along. I think it was. Yeah. And then it becomes prime minister and then like launches some sort of code on an app and they all jazzed. If they're listening to Billy Johnson's just like COVID's a formation. It's like Kingsman.

Starting point is 00:04:46 It's the plot of Kingsman movie. I was going to say, that was bad. The entire, you know, it's what this is. This is like Kingsman meets the Matrix. And then someone like anal's a Danish princess at the end for some reason. Oh, God, that was surely like the biggest bum. No. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:05:02 Sorry. It's like horrible misjudgment in film history. I don't know. I think there was something like just so kind of tonally wonderfully misjudged and so jarringly out of place about that last scene. And it's just hot. Is that a new video? No, it was in the first one.

Starting point is 00:05:23 The first one, it's like, you know, he's basically like a bit of a Joker, a bit of a Maverick, but essentially you're supposed to like him. He's quite sweet. He's like a really, really horrible. Like you saved my life. So now I'll like do anal with you joke that the film closes on. Really? Okay.

Starting point is 00:05:41 Because in the new one, I won't give too many spoilers. You really got to chow down on the mic. I won't give too much away. I mean, unless like you want to read Wikipedia or whatever. But there's a scene. We could just do the Flubhouse. There's the Glastonbury scene that I don't know if you heard of. What ends up happening is like the new Kingsman, the young guy.

Starting point is 00:06:04 In order to save the world has to finger a posh woman. Jesus went. Yeah. And it's like, it was the only reason he gives anyway. I did it to save the world, mum. Don't understand. I had to. It's such a like, it's such a like kind of like Bill Clinton slash Hugh Grant kind of

Starting point is 00:06:23 excuse. Isn't it? I was, I was, wait, it's no, it's the plot of in the loop. Isn't it? Yeah, it is. It's an anti-war shack. It's the excuse he gives for cheating on his girlfriend with the. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:36 In some way, I thought it might, you know, stop the war. Yeah. I don't know. Like I don't know if Kingsman is actually like what some of the best satire I've ever seen, or if it's like one of the worst films. I think it is satire. Yeah. I think it's the second one though.

Starting point is 00:06:51 I still hate it. I think it's trying to be satire, but I think I still hate it. Yeah. Well, it's, I liked, I liked the first one. I haven't seen the second one. They say the second one's worse, but you've got abysmal taste in things. That's the thing about you. I've seen some of the clothes you wear voluntarily.

Starting point is 00:07:06 Shut up, Riley. You shop exclusively in Supreme and Palace. At least my terrible clothes cost like 5% of what your terrible clothes cost. We were saying earlier that if the if the we'll know that the world has ended and capitalism has come to its logical conclusion when people are queuing up outside the Apple store to buy sex robots. And I was like, yeah, I'll never do that. I wouldn't queue up outside the Supreme store to buy a sex robot.

Starting point is 00:07:34 Yeah. You wouldn't buy sex robots instead supreme across the tits. That would be, it's actually an ironic sex spot. It has Colton's face on it. No, that's what I call a box logo. Jesus. All of this is getting edited out. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:52 It's not though. That's the thing. We know it is. Anytime I say all of this is good. Hey, so we have like an actual smart person on the podcast. Yeah, we do. We take advantage of that. We probably use it.

Starting point is 00:08:02 Yeah. Yeah. Hi, Hussain. It's nice to meet you virtually, which is ironic given the concept of our podcast, but we'll deal with it. I have a rule that I only really appear in anime podcasts. So this is the first time breaking it. Well, if it would make you feel any better, we could do some like really over the top

Starting point is 00:08:21 effects and like dust clouds. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I'm into that. Shall we cast? Let's cast. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:30 Let's do it. Love to pod. Love to pod and you can hear all the O's in that too. Oh, yeah. I put a third O in for extra, for extra irony. I wanted to do more irony than usual. Trash. Trash has no you in it.

Starting point is 00:08:42 It just has three O's. Yeah. Love true O's future. Yeah. So I was going to put the O's in future, but fine. No, I'm putting the true O's or I want to put the O's. Whatever, whatever mile you're stifling my creativity. Hey, we said we were going to cast.

Starting point is 00:09:02 Yeah, let's cast. Let's do that. We should. We should probably do that. Guys, I've got some great news. Did you know that Google's futuristic wearable tech platform just took a big leap forward? I had not heard that it had done that.

Starting point is 00:09:17 I mean, I was always aware of, you know, China, for example, maybe revolutionizing its industrial agricultural policy and it being a great leap forward. Yeah. One of the greatest. But this, this is a big leap forward. It's even better. You even better.

Starting point is 00:09:33 It's a huge leap forward. All right. What are they done? Google and Levi's. Lovely. Good stuff. Google X Levi's. Let's like do the millennial thing.

Starting point is 00:09:43 Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're young people. For those of you listening, because we've briefly forgotten that this isn't a visual medium. We're doing the arms cross X thing to indicate collaborations as though we're reading noisy. All of us.

Starting point is 00:09:58 We are all just. We're all like the benefit of the listener. I am not doing that on my own. Yeah. You are definitely doing it. After more than two years of testing, two years. So when I tell you the features of this product, remember that it took two years to get these to work.

Starting point is 00:10:16 Yep. The company's project to embed technology into clothes is ready to launch. So essentially Google has made a denim jacket. X Levi's. But what does it do? Does it does it like just does it tell people you're a prick for you to save you from work?

Starting point is 00:10:37 Is that it actually it stops you leaving the house wearing the jacket? It's a straight jacket. Yeah. I'm no right. So right. You explained this to me earlier, but actually I still don't understand.

Starting point is 00:10:50 Okay. What does it normally do? Okay. Well, at first glance says the article on Mashable UK. The jacket looks like a normal comma stylish denim jacket available on both men and women's sizes. You'll find as I go through this article, but upon closer inspection, it's not stylish at all.

Starting point is 00:11:07 You'll find as I go through this article because they have so little to talk about about the technology itself. They mostly focus on the jacket. This is mainly a review of a denim jacket. Yeah. That's the thing you find there, isn't it? As soon as somebody invents an internet of things like kettle, nobody talks about the internet of things bit because

Starting point is 00:11:25 that's boring. They just, they're just like, oh, it's really good kettle. Boil that water. Boil the hell out of your water. Okay. I tell you what, this denim jacket is going to keep you warm AF. And it's so stylish, you can fuck.

Starting point is 00:11:40 Ideal for the, for the like Mediterranean Palo Alto climate. Yeah. It's available in both men and women's sizes. So that's good tech feature quality. Yeah. Love to equality. It has a dark wash and it's every bit as comfortable and well made as you'd expect in a high-end Levi's jacket.

Starting point is 00:11:57 Any idea what the tech is so far, other than just I don't think Levi's jackets are homemade. What kind of impression does Mashable UK have of the Levi's corporation that it's like, it's just like Levi himself sitting in a shed. It's literally clear Libby stress. He's just called Levi is just some guy. It's like, it's like, he's like a weird American evangelical

Starting point is 00:12:18 who really gets amped up about like the possibility of a baker like making a gay cake. Yeah. Actually, it's an Amish dude who's just kind of, you know, so a genuine true fact about Levi's trousers that he hated jeans and never wore them, which is so great. Actually, you know what? He's actively shit.

Starting point is 00:12:41 You know what? He hated about jeans though. He hated just how low tech they were. Except the problem is he was with my Fitbit via Bluetooth. Well, he was like, he was alive until the 19th. And early 20th century, and he was like, why can't there be a telegram in my jacket? Well, all right.

Starting point is 00:13:01 I want to know about the jacket. You want to know about the jacket. Okay. So number one, they just lit then after they talk about the features of the jacket qua jacket, they finally begin to launch into the feature of the jacket qua connectivity for its own sake, which as we know is basically a good thing. It's basically a good thing.

Starting point is 00:13:16 And as established basically the price of the human centipede. That's it's Google sub project jacquard. All of jacquard's tech is limited to the left sleeve, though even more subtle than you'd think. It's pretty subtle. Yeah. So basically what this is is they've incorporated some like touch sensitive yarns like wires more or less into a jacket

Starting point is 00:13:44 into the left sleeve specifically right and basically it's a, all it is is a touch sensitive sleeve. Yeah. I mean, I will know it's the left to a sensitive. Yeah. I'm pretty sure as well that a touch sensitive sleeve is basically just the medical term for a foreskin. It does sound like flesh.

Starting point is 00:14:07 I would say there's an accessory, doesn't it? So what basically what it is is it's a touch pad on your left sleeve that's powered by a rechargeable Bluetooth enabled tag. That has like has to connect to your phone in order to be used. So it's not actually an independent piece of technology. You need to have a phone and headphones in for it to work. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:28 Okay. And headphones. Yes. Right. So what does this sleeve actually do? What's it? What's the added? Well, it's it allows you to skip songs on your on your Spotify.

Starting point is 00:14:40 Okay. Or I don't have to listen to like Ariana Grande. Finally. I've just been listening what they give me for years. So there are three gestures. You can do three things. You can double tap back of the head execution styles. Very good.

Starting point is 00:14:56 Yeah. Very nice. You can do a triple tap airstrike on a Yemeni wedding. Cut that. Hey, Saudi women can drive, but really quality won't be achieved until they can fly triple tap airstrikes on Yemeni weddings. When you were talking about a Yemeni wedding, I thought you meant them like firing AKs into the air indiscriminately.

Starting point is 00:15:19 I thought that was like the, we won't have true equality until women in the Middle East are also able to fire AKs in the air indiscriminately at weddings. Well, ultimately, apparently a lot of people genuinely die of that as well. Like the bullets do fall back down. That's genuinely kind of how I want to go. You want to be killed by a wedding AK shoot up. That'd be great. Collateral damage at a Yemeni wedding.

Starting point is 00:15:42 Imagine the people trying not to laugh at your funeral. Yeah. Again, because of sort of Saudi American policy on the Arabian peninsula, collateral damage at a Yemeni wedding is basically just the guest list. Why? Hot takes guys. Everyone. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:00 Get them while they're warm. Not as far as my thoughts. All right. At what point do like, has there ever been a show in like your history where like someone's accidentally like called for genocide or something? Um, probably our last episode. We mainly talked about ass eating. Okay.

Starting point is 00:16:17 Okay. So you're fairly close, but not quite there. It's that spectrum really. Okay. You know, so I going back to jacquard for a second. Oh, yeah. What I think is hilarious is that this is a I want to say like three hundred and fifty pound jacket.

Starting point is 00:16:33 Oh, no. You can use it to skip forward and backward on your music and basically not much else, but you have to recharge it before you can go out. Sorry guys running. I'll be, I'll be there in 20. Just charge. If you don't, if you don't recharge it, does it not even function as a jacket?

Starting point is 00:16:51 You can't put it on. If you don't recharge, it just lets you suddenly feel really cold and you're like, oh, it must have run out of batches. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry guys. I have to take my jacket. It's out of battery.

Starting point is 00:17:03 What do you mean? No one's dead at that Yemeni wedding. Oh, I have to recharge my jacket. Like one day we'll only achieve true equality when Saudi women can control drones from their denim jackets. That is true. That's the show folks. Higher more women drone pilot.

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TRASHFUTURE - Bullshit Jobs for Bullshit Industries (ft. Hussein Kesvani)

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