TRASHFUTURE - Cold Chicken Milkshake ft. Dimitri Bakanov

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

James done dropped the psuedonym and is just going by his Real Christian Name, Riley, from now on (still @raaleh on twitter). Send me nudes rendered entirely in roses to show your gratitude. Milo (@milo_edwards) and Riley (TRIUMPHANTLY HIS OWN NAME) are joined by Dmitri Bakanov (@dimitribakanov) to talk about a kitchen gadget so expensive you won't be able to afford food, sandwiches that get more expensive at lunchtime because... efficiency I guess... and a hip new restaurant that is Definitely Not Going To Give You E. Coli For Sure. Thanks, late stage capitalism. But like, also follow us on twitter.

Oh man, it's annoying if people google your name and they find your stuff, it's really because I work in NHS and people sometimes just google the practice and find the practice manager just to get my email basically. And yeah, a few people have found out I do stand up and then they watch it and my stand up is not really good kind of in the office environment stand up. So people then watch that and they're like, I have to talk to this guy. It's like, yeah, yeah, sorry. He talked about murdering his nan and he's taking my nan to the old folks home.

Can I leave it with this nan murdering psychopath? You should do, you should do a bit about that. That's quite funny. Yeah, that's true, just develop a thing. Well, welcome once again to trash future episode four. And here we are. Let's welcome just actually going by my name now. I was going to go by a pseudonym, but fuck it.

Fuck it, YOLO. I'm Milo. I've never gone by a pseudonym because there's no one who wants to employ me anyway. I'm Dmitri and yeah, that's that's great. I'm a stand up. Milo, you're a stand up as well. I am. You're popular.

I do that too. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not not not popular here or I'm not popular with my parents or with with anyone I date. No, I'm popular in Russia because I ride horses shirtless. And you've assist in the election, electoral processes of other countries. Yeah, yeah, I do. That's a good niche to have. It is, it is my, I have a degree in electoral assistance.

That's that's that's what they're calling it and like computer forensics. Well, just like always, I've gone onto the stupid Internet to find some stupid stuff. You could have just called it on the Internet to find some stuff. That's pretty much enough. And I'm reaching in into my shopping bag of late capitalism and I'm pulling out yet another terrible thing I've picked a product. That fits with my, my, my food focus today. The product is called the thermo mix.

It's it before you ask it is a kitchen gadget. Okay. But I'm going to ask you what, what functions do you think it does? Bodily or I'd say it cools down your tea to a good drinking temperature quickly. So it's the opposite of the T4 ear then. What's the T for it? Okay.

It was a product we did in the first episode. There's like, it's like a, it's like a Wi-Fi connected tea maker. Like everything on the show is always Wi-Fi connected. That's like a standard thing now. And then we imagine this is Wi-Fi connected. Oh, almost certainly. I'm going to go. I'm going to have the opposite.

I think it's something that like heats things up by mixing them. Like it stirs things with such rapidity that they become hot. I can, I can see that being a thing. Not, not quite. To be honest, I don't think I really intended for you to get this one because it's so, so insane that it's going to be like, to be honest, I don't even really understand what it does. It's, it's basically un-gettable.

It's a kitchen appliance. And it does like 12 things. Oh, and we didn't get a single one of those 12 things. Well, it does mix. It doesn't cool shit down though, idiot. Does it heat stuff up? It gets you there. Does it heat stuff up?

It blends, mixes, steams, weighs, emulsifies, grinds, stirs. Wait, hang on. Blend, mix, and emulsify are all the same thing. It does 12 things. Like, Riley, do you know that my dick does seven things? It steams, it boils water. The next one is whipping. Yeah, I've got a weird dick.

So whipping is just another version of the other ones. So it's, it's actually, and then it does a chopping, which is kind of just a kind of blending really. Yeah. We have it like literally has like a hand with a knife and it like chops stuff up. It's like Japanese chef style. And it does controlled heating, cooking.

Controlled heating. Does it have an uncontrolled heating function? Well, it's like, there's no, there's no temperature control. You just turn it on and it's like, Jesus Christ, this burger's hot. Good God, it's harder. It's hotter than I thought was possible. Okay, but it controls.

It's also been whipped and mixed. Cooking and also kneading. So it doesn't just do all that for you, but it's also very devoted to you as well. I, it needs you. I love you. No, kneading, kneading with a K, which is again, just sort of another for a variant on mixing.

So of all the things it does, it's really just basically a combination of variants on, you know, mixing, mixing or stirring. And then a couple of different variations on blending and a couple of different variations on heating. It's basically a KitchenAid. Yeah. Still a better DJ than a lot of people I was at university with.

Which I, I mean, yeah, it's basically a fancy blender. It's a fancy blender with a, with a, with a hot plate. Nice. But it's one you can book a demonstration of because it's also kind of pricey. Do they come to your house? Can we order a demonstration right now? I'll, I'll get on that immediately.

When they say, they say, what, why a demo? They say on the page, it's a unique culinary experience. Right. Yeah. Again, I think a few experiences cost that much. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, well, I didn't tell you how much it costs.

It's unique. Yeah, but I'm guessing if they're going to fucking demo it for you, it's not cheap. Never, never have you heard so many different ways of naming the same process. It's groundbreaking. How much do you think the, uh, the thermo mix is going to set you back?

I'll, I'll let, I'll let Demo have first. You keep on giving me first answer. You know, I'm going to go with two grand. Price is right rules closest to that going over. Okay. I think that's, I think that's a bit too high. I'm going to go, I'm going to go a thousand. Oh, you guys are actually in the middle.

It's, um, it's $1,400. Oh, wow. So it's about the same as the T four year. Yeah. It's about the same as the T four year. It does what it allegedly does more. I'm now thinking like how much are the, how many blenders you could buy for $1,400?

Like for $1,400, you could buy a really sick blender and you could buy like a really sick like hob, to do all the frying stuff. And that would literally, you could, you could get that for like $500. And then you would just be left with, you know, $900 to spend on porn or whatever food. Yeah, actual food.

Yeah. Actual food. So things you can put into those diva. No, no, I want just one thing because I am very, very, very, very, very busy. I want to dump a bunch of raw ingredients into a bucket. Then I want to push a button and. Well, maybe, maybe it is designed for, you know,

us millennials who can't afford to live in anything bigger than a broom cupboard. So you have to like condense all of your kitchen appliances. It's also like a washer dry. It blends your clothes. Tired of, tired of owning loads of different shirts. Why not blend them and store them in liquid form? It's very space efficient.

The thermal mix is a key element of getting a spray on shirt. Yeah, I blend all of my stuff now. My sofa was taking up too much space, so I blended it. I've put it into a plastic like a freezer bag and I sit on it. Oh, okay. So here's the other thing. What you do is you dump in a bunch of stuff, right?

Okay. And do you know how you, you actually make it go? You have to use. An app on your phone. You have to use something called a recipe chip. No, what is a recipe chip? We're going to find that out. A thermal mix are recipe chip.

I love that it's brought up a recipe for making chips. Okay. Google must think that you are totally deranged. Yeah, my, my Google history is trash now. Oh, wow. This is, I'm going deep, I'm going deep into a rabbit hole here. A recipe chip. Viewing and cooking recipes on your thermal mix is easy with recipe chips,

which are a unique innovation. So what, just a recipe on an SD card. That's a very unique innovation. It's uniquely expensive. It's unique in the way it enables you to give us all of your money. Simply attach the recipe chip to your thermal mix are, and you can browse through recipes, access, nutritional information on screen,

and be guided through the recipe step by step with the guided cooking feature. Guy, I wish someone could invent a piece of media that would guide me through a recipe step by step without having to spend $1,400 on like, what is essentially a very fancy blender. Yeah, no, it would be, it would be insane if someone invented that and then undercut them.

Maybe, maybe something made out of paper. Who really follows recipes anyway? When I cook stuff, I just like look at what I like. What is there in my fridge? I like chorizo and cheese and half a piece of bread. Like we can make, What recipes are blender going to follow? Look at this.

We've got all these different ingredients. What should we do? Blend. Oh wait, if he added kale to it, what should we do with it? Wait, wait, wait, not blend, stir. Oh, and now there's some paprika in it. Let's knead the fuck up. My theory is that-

Let's knead the fuck up. I think is the line of the episode. My theory is that the Thermomix definitely likes to assume a lot of things or smoothies. Yeah, like you're trying to make a loaf of bread and you're using it with a bread smoothie. He used a wheatgrass shot. Drink it, drink the loaf.

It's better for you that way. It's good for the colon. So yeah, good. Actually, I can't wait to spend $1,400 on a fancy blender that will allegedly make all my recipe books, absolutely. To be honest, most of those smug recipe books, I would like to blend them. Oh, here's another thing.

This is a Thermomix recipe chip site, right? And says the vegetarian recipe chip TM5. And it helps you make sort of a few of these. Does it take regular recipes and make them vegetarian? Yeah, what does the recipe chip actually do? It's the setting of the speed of the blend? It's basically, no, it's like a cookbook, but this one, it costs 50 pounds.

Per chip. I think a chip might have a few recipes in it. But yeah, basically, every time you want to expand your cooking repertoire, you can't just invent something. You have to buy a 50-pound recipe chip. To blend shit. Yeah, more or less. Well, no, it's a blend shit and occasionally heat it.

Is it bad that this is only episode four of the podcast and I'm already so jaded by this shit? I'm like, well, of course. Of course, you have to buy a 50-pound recipe chip. That's not even surprising to me. I'm getting like Stockholm syndrome. Yeah, like, yeah, of course. Why shouldn't you spend a load of money?

Oh, man, I just, I keep going through this website and it's just, it's a fucking cesspit. You're listening to the Thermomix episode. Okay. Did you know that if you can't, if you can't summon the 1400 bucks, okay, which I definitely can't. The Thermomix company, they got you.

Oh, you can buy it on credit. What is the representative APR on that shit? Well, this is the Australian site because that's just where my Google took me. Minimum monthly payment of $80, let's see. Yeah, it's 20% per year. Oh, there's an establishment fee and a monthly account service fee as well.

To be fair, if you can't afford to buy the damn thing out, right, you can't afford to use it because you won't be able to afford the recipe cartridges anyway. That's actually, that's a very, that's a very cunning analysis of this. It's going to cost you like, like a hundred, in Australia, it would cost you $180 a month. And that's what the Thermomix only, that's,

that's no recipes, nothing. That's a hundred new bucks. And then if you want to actually use it, you have to buy recipe chips and you don't even have food yet. So you spend all your food money on that stuff. So all you have left to, all you have left, no, all you have left to cook is your useless old cookbooks.

Blend and knead, my friend. But you don't have the recipe chip for the old cookbooks. No, that costs, that costs another $50. Sitting there uselessly. I love how at the start of the podcast, we would, we were briefing, you know, one, you know, one of the advert like, like features of the Thermomix,

they list on their website. Okay. Save money. Wow. That's a bit tricky. How, like, how, like, how much money are these idiots spaffing on a regular basis that you could save money on the Thermomix? God, I was only buying,

I was only buying all of my food, like, embroidered in gold before. But since using the Thermomix, I was spending $4,000 a month on recipe books. You go from having a cook come to your house every day and cook for you to having an automated robot do it for you. You know, that would literally be cheaper than buying a Thermomix.

You could totally pay someone minimum wage to cook all of your shit, and it would cost you less than a Thermomix. Fucking Christ. And it'd have more recipes available. Yeah, because that's the great thing about the human mind is it has, with the addition of some pencil and paper,

it has an almost infinitely expandable capacity for recipes. It's very true. You know, if you have a Thermomix, the saddest thing is when, on your birthday, you get two recipe chips from your family. Oh, no. The saddest terrible business. I actually sold that thing because I couldn't afford food.

Now all I have to eat are these recipe chips. Yeah. These aren't as good as normal chips. Not as good, but still fine with a bit of salt. That would be peak like capitalism, like people turn to eating their recipe chips due to a complete lack of food, because we'd have the European Union.

Imagine when your family's like, we know you love that blended cake. That's why we've got the recipe chip for you. So you can have that blended cake, slightly tepid every single week. I only do drinkable cake now. Yeah, that's the best cake. I can't wait until drinkable cake becomes a thing

and then time out makes a day where you can have a sushi and drinkable cake tasting on yet another dumb pointless rooftop. Right, he's in the pocket of big drinkable cake. Fucking hate time out. I love how we've reinvented milkshakes. Chunky milkshake. Maybe we should get a thorough mix

and take the chunky milkshake world by storm. We can hack our recipe chip. No, no, no, not milkshake, drinkable cake. Hell yes. This could be like, no, you see you joke, but like people would literally fucking buy that. Like you could open a series of like, call them pop-ups in sort of Dallston, Brixton,

be like, yeah, it's new thing. Drinkable cake. Oh yeah, go to one of those Sunday markets and sell them for a 10-hour pop. Just literally buy some Tesco muffins and a blender. Can we actually do this as an experiment? Sugar-free drinkable cake and it's just drinkable bread. I know what I'm doing with my weekend, but in the meantime...

In this case, I'm just going to read the first bit of this headline and you're going to have to fill in what you think it is. McDonald's just rolled out burgers with Millennials' favorite ingredient. Is it universal basic income? They're putting that in burgers now? Millennials, oh man, that's quite amazing.

It has to be something super, you know, nice and good, like grass. Millennials are bovine. Yeah, of course, because anything else hurts the environment. Millennials actually have four stomachs. Millennials actually regurgitate and retu things they've previously eaten. I think if you look at the news for long enough, Millennials are nature's greatest predator.

And also nature's greatest prey. They're both whimpering babies and unyielding predators. Well, that's weird, that's like a Slavojizek thing, right? Where we take the other and we impute it with contradictory qualities of everything we hate and fear. I don't care what Millennials think because they're idiots. So that is also something that he would say. Yeah, I think probably something he has said.

We're just like, we're just like, we're trying to get these Slavojizek crowd on board now. He is half our audience. Well, I mean, it's obviously going to be avocado, isn't it? You'd think it, well, I thought it was going to be when I clicked on this. I was deliberate. Tofu.

When I regret, no, Millennials don't like tofu. That's like an 80s wine mom thing. Dude, I like tofu. How does a mom differ from a wine mom? My mom is totally a wine mom. My mom doesn't drink very much, but she also has a very low alcohol tolerance. So I think it kind of balances out.

Like my mom could literally get wasted, like why girl wasted on one glass of wine? That's fun first. So she'd be a wine mom after like a monopoly thimble. So my mom every night drinks, I would say about a third of what we would call a standard pour yourself glass of wine. My mom drinks like a pub glass of wine every night.

Like a like a 175 mil, you know, not even a 250. Every night and her tolerance doesn't increase? No. Well, I think she drinks so little every night that if she then drinks, if she drinks like twice what she normally drinks, like she's just like... She gets a bit what like...

We did, me and my dad once fed my mom like a really strong snowball, like that cocktail that's made out of Advocara lemonade. Oh, I thought you were talking literally about like a snowball full, like you once made your mommy to snowball full of rocks. Yeah. Like, hi, this is Jacaz,

me and my dad are going to make my mommy to snowball. Susan has no idea what's about to happen. Okay. McDonald's has roll out burgers featuring kale. Oh, it was close with wheat grass. That was very close with wheat grass, but wheat grass is more of a smoothie. That'd be like if McDonald's Soda Fountains

then came with like a wheat grass smoothie. Is kale that millennial or is it just something that like Instagram food bloggers love? But they're often like in their 40s. It's like these like women who look like pterodactyls who are in their 40s who are like, drink kale and you can look as good as me. Do you want to look at this goddamn sinewy?

That's like, damn, that woman's got a lot of sinew. We'd better drink more kale. It just looks like if you try it, if you tried to like cook an eater, you could only make a soup at best. A beast. I've made a thin beast from all the Instagram bloggers that I follow.

And I'm dipping like sourdough kale bread into it. Well, look, you know, in like 20 years when we're even less for Britain, because Britain's going to go food insecure in two years because of Brexit. Maybe we can food insecure. Where Britain becomes like really paranoid about its food and whether it's good enough. Yeah.

And I think you underestimate the number of things you can deep fry. I was reading this the other day, like because our food is so incredibly dependent on imports from the EU, and in the increasingly likely event that we leave the EU without an agreement, which is great. Yeah.

What could go wrong? We are, yeah, we can't account for like 50% of the food that we that we would need domestically. We would need to continue importing it, which means that like mostly we're not going to be able to eat like we'd be lucky to get a kale burger at McDonald's. Damn it. Which means we should have to get really creative

and Scottish about deep frying. Yeah. I mean, I love I love how like basically the whole leaving the EU thing. It's just like when you're when you're like 19 and your parents annoyed you one time, and you're like, it's fine. I'm going to leave home.

I don't need you. And then you leave and you're like, oh God, I have no money. I can't pay rent. I didn't know I don't know what a job is. I'm going to start a podcast. The EU is going to find us like crying, sitting in the doorway of a Burger King. And like, it's okay.

You can come home. Although you see that fuck. What did Andrea Ledson today? Oh, did Jane Austen, one of our greatest living authors? Like, like, okay, when when Donald Trump said that Frederick Douglass is a thinker who's being recognized more and more, like we know he meant the same thing. Like he was insinuating that Frederick Douglass was alive,

but there was plausible deniability, because maybe he could have been saying, well, Frederick Douglass, like he's getting noticed more and more. He's like Van Gogh. Like he's only becoming recognized as a great artist after his death. Andrea Ledson had to say living. Do you think by extension, like Andrea Ledson thinks that Jane Austen is just a really eccentric dresser?

Just like, to be honest though, she could lay off with all those bonnets and bustle skirts. Like, you know, come on, come on, Jane. I'd love to see you go on, like, Love Island. Jane Austen is like, Claudio is trying to remove Jane Austen's nine petticoats. But Jane Austen's not having it without a dowry. She's wearing a whalebone girdle, and it's padlocked tight shut.

Oh, shit. Okay, so back to that Kaleberger thing. Apparently, this is coming harder. This isn't the first Kale product they've ever done. They need a Kale salad. Wait, sorry. You said Kaleberger? It's a burger with kale.

Okay, cool. Yeah, okay. No, not a Kale burger. Because I was like, if they went Kaleberger, that's gangster. Yeah, that would be an extreme rebranding. McDonald's goes full vegan, like just literally overnight. Yeah, it turns on the spot. That would be crazy.

That would actually be excellent. And then they start teaching it in Harvard Business School. It was one of the great market disruptive moves. And then McDonald's became even bigger. No, their first kale-based item was a Kale salad that was 730 calories. 730 calories. Yeah, that's a lot of calories. That's swimming in mayonnaise.

I have no idea. It's a leaf of kale swimming in mayonnaise. That's what you do. I can imagine that. It's like a deep fried kale in mayonnaise. 730 calories is an impossible amount of calories for a salad unless it is... That's like two big Macs. It's mainly just...

It must mainly just be mayonnaise. Yeah, just mayonnaise. Why? With a side of kale. Who would even want mayonnaise on kale? Who goes into McDonald's and gets kale? Who goes into McDonald's and gets a salad? Like, who are those people?

Why also is it a huge news story that they're using a different type of leafy green in their fucking filling? Obviously, it's just because it's more of this... Millennials are killing XYZ fodder. And the sort of millennial police blotter of what we're murdering next. Millennials are killing kale by eating it. We're killing kale by eating it and killing traditional burgers. But no, thank you.

It has to be more quinoa or whatever. But that's also just because all of these companies are run by people who own property and are a million years old. Yeah. Yeah. They're in the pocket of big kale. Well, I'm sure what happened was the fucking zombie, whoever it is, who was doing product development in McDonald's...

They have a daughter who's at Oberlin or whatever, who's a protest vegan, who came back home and was like, I want dinner. And it starts making some kind of non-McDonald's nice meat food. They're like, no, I'm a vegan now. I'm a vegan. I want kale. Everyone's eating kale. You're totally doing the Louis CK voice.

This is the only voice I can do. Oh, my God. It's so stupid. No, guys, that's my British accent. You've lived in Britain for a long time. How do you know the people of this country so bad? I don't listen. The accent that you were doing for kids is obviously quite easily recognizable.

And it's only come about from exactly the time when it became illegal to hit your children. I think there's a direct correlation. If I spoke to my parents like that, I would just laugh. Kids before were like, excuse me, mother. Might I have a moment of your time? There's a serious mess that requires your attention. Now they're like, I want kale. All the cool kids have kale fidget spinners.

Which way? And the thing is, that's fine. I just found out I'm a millennial. That's a great, that's a great call though. So good. How does it feel to be millennial? I always wanted to know what generation I was, what letter. And apparently, yeah.

Well, yeah, I'm not millennial because I was born in the Soviet Union, which basically means I was probably born 20 years earlier than the rest of you lot. It still has not been millennium in Soviet Union. Yeah, it literally has. If you've been to the Soviet Union before it collapsed now, I'm like, I do find it in the Western world that I am like a generation older than a lot of people my age. He still beats disobedient children on the street. No, I still remember black and white television and stuff like that.

And yeah, like beating like, you know, my, my, my friends, they're like, oh, my parents would never beat me. And I'm like, yeah, no, it's normal. And literally just a generation behind. Dude, I remember when the first McDonald's opened, it was a big thing in Russia, in Moscow. People were like, wow, the McDonald's is open in Red Square. Yeah, there was like a two mile long queue. Yeah, it was a thing.

Can you imagine growing up in a country where McDonald's opened? How old were you when that happened? Oh, I don't remember how old I was, but I was like, No, no, I couldn't afford to go to McDonald's. It's a treat. Fuck. And, and here they are profane memory by releasing fucking kale salad. Like everyone in the Red Square would just be

the kids in Kharkiv who are like, what the fuck don't this girl from once again proving that she exists. A new episode of this every week. Riley continues to have a girlfriend until we find out how he's constructing this illusion. But it is, it's very realistic. All right. So you know what's an interesting thing that happened in 1850? Did you say the only interesting?

No, I'm sure a couple things happened. No, there was one interesting thing that happened in 1850. Are we talking about technological developments? No, it's a leading, it's a leading question. You're not supposed to get it. Charles Dickens got a hand job. Maybe how old was he in 1850? Was it a crime?

Who knows? From William Gladstone. Yeah. Okay. There was this guy in Philadelphia, John Wanaker, who wanted to establish, quote, new, fair and agreeable relations between the buyer and the seller by inventing the price tag. So, you know, instead of you walk in and, you know, into the 1850s,

Philadelphia shop and, you know, take your dick out and slap it on the table. You know, all of a sudden you say, your bread just got pricier. It's like how much bread you got was measured by the length of your dick. You paid in dick things. So, like, you would send the member of your family who had the biggest dick to go and buy the bread because it would be more economic that way. But by inventing the price tag, you get the bread cost the same for everyone all the time, which is basically fair, basically is fairness.

We've decided we want to invent that away, apparently. Ah, which is good. Yeah. I can imagine only for purely altruistic reasons. No, of course, of course. And this is the company that's now sort of pioneering the surge pricing of food. Nice. Wow.

Uber Eats. Yeah, Uber Eats, yeah. Yeah, except in shops, in grocery stores. Are they still going to have the price tag there, where like a digital price tag that pops up or goes up? Presumably. I mean, at that point, they might as well just have like a digital price tag, plus like a little trap door with a boxing gloves that comes out and hits you with the mask.

But what the quote was to justify, you know. Yeah, I was going to ask what's the justification. The CEO is saying, if you have enough data, you can get closer to the ideal of giving your customers what they want at the time they want it. More expensive food. Apparently. Which is what people want. People are like, this food is so cheap.

What the fuck is going on? I'm tired of this cheap food. You know, when I eat at just normal human meal times that haven't been disrupted by people seeking innovation, like, I don't know, fucking lunch, then I don't consider it a value add if it costs extra because of the service they're doing me of giving me a fucking sandwich at noon. This whole thing is so bad. But it reminds me of my friend of mine at university who, like, he was mates with, well, not mates with, but he just knew this dude in his college who was like a conspiracy

theorist and was convinced that anyone who'd been to a private school was from some, like, insane aristocratic family. Well, and so my friend, my friend who had been to a private school but was not a dull from a wealthy aristocratic family, managed to convince this guy that his family's, like, vast inherited wealth, which he, like, jokingly admitted to having, was all because his great, great, great, great grandfather, Sir Wilberforce, I'm not going to say what his surname was, invented lunch and now, and now everyone in the country pays a lunch tax to their family, which is, which is part of council tax.

And so really what we have is life imitating art. Yes, I mean, that, that now seems to be a new thing. That bizarre prank your friend played is now literally a thing. This guy actually believed it as well. He was totally like, did you, did you hear that, like, this guy's family invented lunch and that's where they call him money from? Like, before that, if you wanted, if you wanted to eat, like, around noon, you, like, pick up a piece of bread and then, like, a stern nun would just whack you in the fingers of the

ruler. He also claimed that it, like, he'd named it lunch after his, uh, his favorite, uh, like, Sir Farmhand, who happened to be called luncheon. Isn't Cambridge supposed to be a quite clever school? Well, you know, it's like anything. There are stupid people there. I wouldn't say most people at Cambridge were actively stupid, as far as I could tell. Ah, so I don't, I don't, I feel fundamentally uncomfortable with the idea of someone like,

you know, who wants to sell me a sandwich, kind of knowing what sandwiches I'm buying and when. Yeah. I like the idea that it could be like peak food, like surge pricing, where like people who are thrifty will start buying the food at, like, really weird times of day or the food that, like, no one wants. It's like, there's like a, there's like really unpopular food, like, like, uh, sweat-flavored crisps. People like, I'm a, I'm a clever consumer.

I'm buying sweat-flavored crisps at, like, 11, 15 p.m. Well, that's just, that, that gets this weird thing, this weird element of consumerism, where people will just go to obscene, self-effacing, just desperate lengths to get, like, 20 pence off of, like, a roll of tissue, where, like, this, this, like, extreme, it's extreme couponing, right? People will devote their entire lives to just sort of becoming more efficient consumers, as though they've gotten something over on the system. I think it shouldn't be allowed to be called extreme couponing, unless you're doing it in

extreme snow. I think, like, the amount you're couponing doesn't make it. I feel like abseiling down a cliff while doing coupons. That is extreme couponing. If you, like, if you, like, swing on a fast rope through the window of Walmart, and like, crashing through a plate-gas window to present your coupons, that is extreme couponing. Anything else, anything less, I will not accept.

I think that if you use a coupon on the first three dates, that's extreme couponing. Ah, that's, yeah. For a minute, for a minute, for a minute, the first three dates that the coupon is valid, I was like, that doesn't sound that extreme. That sounds downright sensible. Yeah. That sounds like the way a coupon is supposed to be used. It's, it's just, it seems like all of these, like, have turned us into, like, just these

weird zombies who, and we think we're somehow winning when we're, like, sort of grimacing through a bag of, like, sweat-flavored crisps, or, like, like, an, like, an all-alphalpha sandwich. Because, bless you again. Bless you, man. Because it's like, we're eating at three, and we're starving. Like, capitalism makes me sneeze. Ugh, yeah, I'm allergic.

And, ah, God, it's just, it's so dumb. It's so profoundly stupid. I always think it's fucked up that, like, the tube costs more at rush hour. Because, like, it's enough of an incentive not to get on the tube at rush hour that it's, like, there are, everyone is getting the, like, if you ever got on the tube at rush hour, it's, like, unpleasant as fuck. Like, I, like, I resent paying more for it, like, because, oh, especially, like, people who go to work, like, they have no choice but to get the tube at rush hour.

So you're just, like, punishing them for, like, having a job. Bastard. And I'm saying it's just toping as fuck. I think what we'll find is that everything that goes into this, every extra penny that's made, won't, like, how on earth does that deliver any kind of better experience for customers, other than just finding another way to, like, where, where, where one powerful player can just find, like, a new, here to for undiscovered orifice on the customers that it can fuck. You can totally find some, you know, liberal who will, like, write into the, to the newspaper

about this and be, like, it's great because this way, like, I've now discovered that I actually really like going to the supermarket at 2.30 instead of at one. It's like, it's so much more ease of use, accessible, you know, and I'm, like, it's totally valid. It rewards the savvy consumer. What's wrong with that? If all these slobs stop going, like, with the herd and getting their sandwich at one PM, like, everyone else, they can benefit from all the, like, top things like me.

Like, I love waiting until 2.30 to get my lunch, because the constant gnawing pain in my stomach helped me become, reached my dream of becoming a model. Go capitalism. Well, the one thing it might do to be fair is, uh, fucking sink the thermo mix, because finally people will have a way to spend way too much money on food without having to buy, like, ancillary technology. Are you telling me you don't want a blended sandwich? Well, well, maybe I do want a blended sandwich, like a drinkable, can we just start a whole

restaurant where everything is drinkable? It's like drinkable sandwich followed by drinkable cake. And, like, and it's all, and it's all surge priced. I mean, this isn't really even the podcast anyway. This is just the cold up and, yeah. So, you know, we do, we do a bit of a chat, sort of into the mic. And then at some point we kind of start, like, in the middle of a sentence to give it that edgy hipster feeling.

We're not actually even recording right now. We're just going and talking into the mic. At some point I will hit record. You're not going to know when. Well, I'm going to see you lean over to the laptop and be like, bang. Yeah, but who knows? Who knows when I'm actually going to do it? Who knows what sentence you could be in the middle of at that point.

Yeah, exactly. So be fucking careful. Yeah, you're going to try to make me sound racist again. All right. So Dima, you've got an idea for us today. Yeah, man. And it's actually the one that's come out from the conversations today. I think we, in partnership with the podcast, should open up a thermomix restaurant.

Okay. So, you see, first of all, we won't have a problem with workers trying to unionize because we don't need chefs. We'll just have like a battery of thermomixes. It's fully automated. Automated away the working class. I like it already. But of course, we'll pay a universal basic income to everyone in the entirety of the country.

And we will allow the blenders to unionize. Doesn't that just mean we're going to network them on Wi-Fi? Yeah, or naturally, power cord. That's it. Are you using a blender without Wi-Fi connectivity, Riley? Call yourself a millennial, Jesus. So we're going to give power to the blenders. Yeah, you're going to power the blenders.

Otherwise, they don't work. The key in everything is that this is, I'm a genius. That's so great. That's the key. That's the key. Yeah, exactly. So you know how you have, bring your own drinks, restaurants? People can bring their own food in a bag and we just take it into the kitchen.

And then we sell it. It'll be called like the blender tour or something. And then we just, you know, we have the special chips that allow us to cook whatever food it is that they've brought in in assortment. So for a cold, what do we think? What's an example of a cold starter? Like a nice cold starter? It's the thing is down to the individual what they want to bring with them.

Yeah. Roadkill. Everything is a good. So ultimately, really every starter is a gazpacho. Yeah, effectively, we don't use the heating function in the thermomix. Okay. And we allow the customers to bring. See, we're the ultimate, like people can have exactly what they want.

How many times have you been to a restaurant and wanted dumplings, but they just didn't have the blended dumplings you wanted? Since I've never been to a restaurant with blended dumplings, literally every time. Exactly. Every time I go to a restaurant, I'm like, can I have a shot of dumplings, please? And they're like, what do you mean? I found I'm like recently, I'm walking into like a really nice pizza place. I got my fingers crossed and like, come on, blended dumplings, blended dumplings.

And inevitably just fuck. Yeah, exactly. All they have is fucking pizza. That's got blended pizza. If you're on that, no, no, it's not the same. So I'm like, I'm liking this. I'm liking this. No, what are, what are we charging?

Oh, here's the thing we can do again. We can incorporate surge pricing, but instead of it being dependent on time, it's completely dependent upon what the people are wearing. I totally approve of this. Clothing fascism is like one of my favorite, you know, extracurricular pursuits. What's our dress code? Oh, no, we don't have a dress code. We just, you know, we evaluate what people are wearing.

And we can see, if we can see that they have way too much disposable income, the pricing goes up. So if they're wearing palace, yeah, the pricing surges because clearly, um, they, they have disposable income. Jokes on you, idiot. I'm broke. Broke is broke as fuck. Man, that's some broke shit.

Yeah, as fuck. Yeah, as fuck works. Yeah. Okay, excellent. So I'm also, my vision for this is all white kitchen and there's a glass. There's a glass, uh, pane so you can see in and, and, and it's not a chef. It's a, a food technician. The real blend Easter.

And, uh, that's, that sounds great. I, I, you look through the window and you just, it's like everything is pristine and like super modern and the waitresses all have iPads and they're like, what can I do for you today? But then in the, through the window, you just see Dima fucking like cramming raw chickens into a blender using a broom handle. It's like blood splattering all over the walls. He's like, that's why he's so good.

And it's like the, you know, all right, cool. I think I want to invest. Yeah. For that reason, I'm in. So like for, for 25% of your company, I'm prepared to offer five pounds. I don't know. I mean, all we'd really need is, we really need is like one, um, one thermo mix. So we need $1400.

Yeah. And then like when I actually get a lot of customers coming at once, yeah, we can, we can get it on credit. So really we don't, there's nothing stopping us from starting this business right now. Yeah. We, we just need a little tiny van that we can put the thermo mix in the back of and we can go to all the, um, festivals and festivals. Yeah.

Oh, perfect. I mean, we're being facetious right now, but we could actually do this. This would actually make a profit. I'm pretty sure if it, if it did, I, I, I wouldn't, you wouldn't want to live in a world. I'd put myself through the thermo mix if it made a profit. You wouldn't, like, you would rather like not be sure of how dumb people are. Like you suspect that people are this dumb, but you'd rather never find out for certain. Like that's like the level of like nihilism that you're at.

Oh God, how many layers of nihilism are you on? Yeah, it's a new BuzzFeed quiz from the trash future, from the garbage men. The question is just, is just, is just Dima standing there with like a glass of hot blended chicken and is, do you want this? Yes or no? You click no, you have to try again. Y slash N. It's a big old, yeah.

ASL, blended chicken, back of a van. Blended chicken, back of a van. Ask me anything. Have you heard anything about our favorite listener? Our spirit animal, Steven Seagal. Well, I've got another Steven Seagal fact of the week, four years week. It's one of my favorite ones so far, actually. This is straight from the Wikipedia page.

In 1997, Steven Seagal began now working closely, which is an inverted commas for some reason, with young living. As though he was like fucking them or something, and that's like their way of view from listening to you around it. With young living on a line of again, inverted commas, therapeutic oil products. Who's young living? I don't know.

I mean, they have it. They have a Wikipedia page. Young living is a is a Lehigh, Utah based company, which uses multi-level marketing to sell essential oils and other related products. It's a pyramid scheme. So it's a pyramid scheme. Working closely.

Okay, so working closely either means that Steven Seagal was at the top of the pyramid scheme, which judging by Steven Seagal, I doubt sincerely that he'd have the wherewithal to do that. Steven Seagal was clearly taken in by a pyramid scheme, lost everything. They still exist. It's still got a website and everything. You can still buy this shit.

Is Steven Seagal still involved? Oh, wow. And there's a product that one of the adverts on the homepage says Valor is back and stronger than ever. Oh my god. Wait. So Valor is that is that like a product they sell? Yeah, it's like Valor is back and bold as ever.

It's like it's like a new essential oil. It's like an essential oil. One of the classic ones called Valor. It comes in a purple bottle with a white top. Yeah, on the avenue. You think it's introducing Hydragize, which this Hydragize thing literally looks like a bottle of lube. Like that is full on what it look like.

Nothing. Nothing that's not lube comes in that comes in that shape of bottle. Well, that's the incredible thing about that though. Hydragize, that sounds like it probably hydrates you. Yeah. Hydragize, however, is not a word. But yeah, what it in fact means is it enables your money to be transferred up a not a pyramid, but a a a trianguloid structure to some people at the top

who may or may not be the people who founded this this not not a scheme, but a more of a system. Yeah, it's a trianguloid system. And that is what Steven Seagal does with his spare time. Don't trust us. Ask the star of Glimmerman. You may not know this, but for 25 years I've been involved in pyramid schemes. It's like I knew it's like that because it's the TV show.

The Tom secreted a bit about where Steven Seagal is a cop who's like goes around selling people pyramids. Clearly it would be Pharaoh Seagal. Steven Seagal was an ancient Egyptian pharaoh who was of course mummified, but then it was brought back to life through modern technology and multi-level marketing and uses his knowledge of Aikido and human psychology to become the world's most richest man, most richest, the world's richest man by engaging in a multi-level marketing of essential oils.

Yeah, using a trianguloid system, which is not a pyramid scheme. I used the trianguloid system that was taught to me by Ra. It was taught to me by Hoshi Fong, the greatest master trianguloid system of all time. He actually founded Herbalife. Oh, fuck me. Steven Seagal really is the content gift that just keeps on giving. Oh, it does. It keeps on giving and finding 10 friends to join in.

I bet maybe, you know, Elon Musk recently was in the news for that. He was recently in our podcast because Tesla did asexious to essential oils seminar. Steven Seagal was delivering it. You guys work for Tesla. You want to go to Mars? Well, what are you going to eat on Mars? I know what you're thinking. Food, water, no essential oils and Aikido.

I've already been, I've already been on Mars. I've fought the Martians. Like, how do you know so much about Mars? I've been dealing with Mars for 45 years. I've been looking at Mars all my life. All my movies, I draw heavily on Mars. We're in the Martian language. There's not an English word for it.

Why do you think they call it martial arts? I'm an expert in the ways of the Mars. All right. Goodbye. Goodbye.