TRASHFUTURE - Ferret Team Six: TF Live in London 26/7/23

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

We had a live show at Between the Bridges near Southbank Centre on a very rainy night, and we discussed a school bathroom realtime tracking app, a horrendous conference held by the Tony Blair Institute, and much more. The assembled cast of Riley, Milo, Nate, and Alice learned about topics such as Ketamine Keir Starmer, a punitive deployment of ferrets to chase out schoolchildren from toilets, the Leon Burgers to Government Policy pipeline, and a strange conception of the things you can do with barbeque sauce. If you want access to our Patreon bonus episodes, early releases of free episodes, and powerful Discord server, sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture   *SCOTLAND ALERT* Get tickets to our live show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival on 4th August here! https://www.trashfuture.co.uk/event-details/trashfuture-live-at-the-edinburgh-fringe   *STREAM ALERT* Check out our Twitch stream, which airs 9-11 pm UK time every Monday and Thursday, at the following link: https://www.twitch.tv/trashfuturepodcast *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ *MILO ALERT* Check out Milo’s upcoming live shows here: https://www.miloedwards.co.uk/live-shows Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and Alice (@AliceAvizandum)

Between the bridges, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Brendan O'Neal! The chattering classes of this once great nation have yet again been all of a flutter this week. Yes, the sourdough bakeries of Islington are teeming with byleful comments about one thing and one thing only, Elon Musk's rebrand of Twitter to x.com. The Spanish Civil War reenactors of Herne Hill would have you believe that Mr. Musk is some kind of idiot, despite his being worth $242 billion of entirely real money

that he could draw out of a bank at any time. The latest charge that the Peccarino Passardists of Putney level at Mr. Musk is that his rebrand of Twitter from a website where you can post tweets to x.com, a website where you can post zetes, but also have a bank account and donate blood, makes no sense. But as ever, the Bosie-Laybada mind-hoff of Harringay are shortsighted. Did any innovations make sense at first? Did the steam loom make sense to the masses? Did the fur be make sense?

Did cryptocurrency-based ape trading make sense? Their silence speaks volumes. And yet, are we truly surprised that the vegan vehicle of Mornington Crescent don't want to widen access to banking in this way when they are the very same people cheering on the plight of Nigel Farage? When the international financial markets turned on Liz Trust people laughed

at the concept of woke bankers and yet here we are living in their world. These lemongrass Leninists would have us believe that Nigel Farage can survive without an account at Coots Private Bank and instead open account at one of their genderqueer affirmative action banks, private bank and instead open account at one of their genderqueer affirmative action banks, such as HSBC. But this is the thin end of the wedge. Perhaps the Marasino Marxists of Canberwell would do well to consider what if Nigel Farage was a single mother on a low income? Who's lack of an account at Coots Private Bank? bank caused them to be evicted by a toxic landlord. And yet they sold you on and their crusade to destroy working-class innovators

such as Elon Musk and Nigel Farage. Dear reader, I cannot say how many Coots' accounts have been closed so far, but I fear the number may be as high as 1,984. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, trash user! as 1,984 ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Trash Usia! Hi everybody, are we well? Oh, we try. This is sort of middling.

And if some watch, damp, misty, duet, the audience raves, damp. Put that on the posters for the next one, damn pissed audience in town. We do require our audiences to be slightly moistened, gently misted. Where we were standing has a little rain tunnel too. So we are damp and solidarity with all of you. That's right. Welcome to Trashy, to the first 20 rows we'll get wet.

As will the final 20 rows and all rows be twixed. No, I want to thank you all very much for coming out in the wet, to see four out of five of us, who say when to Barry from EastEnders presents Barry Oki, which was last Friday, and so did not, there was an ad for Barry from EastEnders presents Barry Oki in the men's, it's very funny.

Incredible rendition of my way though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People questioned whether they should do barrio key at this venue. And to those people they said, we're gonna do it anyway. All right, all right. A few people in for that one, fine. Yeah.

Not a huge barrio for me. This is internet law. Don't look at me like that. I'm looking at you like that. You should know this stuff. All right. Like you read the handout handout the handout is the internet So so

we have some Some stuff today. I did a thing where I I subjected myself to something quite objectionable Which is remember the Tony Blair Institute for global regime change that that thing Yeah, so a mix of whoops and ooze Yeah, it's like works, nice out. Yeah, they're here tonight. Well, they recently had a conference, and I recently joined literally dozens of other people

in watching the live streams and transcribing 100% of it. I actually get targeted ads from the Tony Blair Institute online and they are solely about we've this great idea for a new ID card and I'm not making this up. The man never rests. He will give you a fucking ID card someday, whether you wanted or not. So you did your own private YouTube zone. You've watched these, like how many views do these have? The big hitter where Blair Interviews Starmer had like 1500.

Most of them where it's like, we got Jamie Oliver in to call the nation fat. That had like 300. I'm having dark thoughts when you mentioned Jamie Oliver's name. And now I'm thinking like synthesis. Jamie Oliver should get one of those like memory TV type chefs shows. Larry is like, so I'm just saying God rest him would never have allowed this. But I've got before we get into all that, I have the, I was going to start with a little

start up, you know, but, but I have a Google alert for Neom. That's right. I'd say you are the only person with a Google alert for Neom who is not risking being bone sword depending on the cold. And you are the audience cheering for Neom who isn't either being paid to cheer for Neom or also at risk of bone-sign or both. When everyone else is Google alert for Neom goes off, they're like, oh fuck. They stop killing passports and cash out.

So this is just a little soup song from Neon. Not from the line from Oxygon, one of the other ones. Oh, god. On the other shapes. Does that whole thing? Yeah. Yeah. The two-dimensional one, not the one-dimensional one. Which is that the international hotels group,

a big luxury hotel company, has announced, which is what I think is quite bold, that they're going to open a new hotel in the oxagon in 2026, which feels... How much have you been built so far? None. Of here. Zero. Oh, so a beautiful shining hotel. I hope they do it and nothing else gets done. This beautiful shining hotel in the middle of an octagonal building site. I mean, because there's times when you can fake it, like we had the start up where they

were doing vertical take-off and landing taxi, drone taxis, and they had at least built a shed somewhere in like barksher. I can't remember where it was. Sure. They did, they kind of read the brief. Whereas in this case, it feels like even if you build a hotel and just draw an octagon around it, you're not really meeting the standard. And knowing these guys is going to be like, the hotel will have a sea plane port on top of a skyscraper.

It's like, they're really setting themselves up for failure. In fact, this hotel that will we built in the middle of the desert with nothing else around it will have retail and dining concepts, which is fun. But the shed in Berkshire had that too. Yes. It's going to have a captive audience, because if you think, if you're in the middle of the desert,

it's a lot like being at the airport. Where else are you going to stay, right? They can charge whatever they want. But also, this is shit. I'm going to the Traveller's Oxagon. But I've got to say, I've got a hotel room in the octagon sounds like the thing in MMA guy would say that I was going to be your ass.

We're just like an MMA guy who's now gotten too too many concussions. He's trying to threaten you. It's an MMA guy who's like, his deal is like parking the bus, you know, he gets in the oxagon, he builds a hotel in the octagon. You cannot remove him from the octagon. He's got like a million hit points. He's good. He's not attacking you in any way. He's just

there. I got MMA fighter with a concussion doing a real life row blocks would actually be very, very funny to watch. Anyway, that's the neon news. They're going to have a hotel for 2020. Yeah, which is gonna house the MMA guy who's just decided to like get into MMA as a means of housing. He's just living in the ox again. Yeah, so I want to now talk about, and I wanna thank by the way, a patron on Patreon for sending this to me.

A startup by the name of SmartPass. SmartPass. SmartPass. Okay. But when you say it in my accent, it sounds a bit more obscene. SmartPass. Mm. When you say it in my accent, it sounds a bit more obscene. Smart pass. Hmm.

So is it the central version or not, which is supposed to be as American? Oh, you want to send you a smart pass. No, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Well, I would like to register a complaint. I we the central white boys have been a marginalized group for two. No, no, don't like how sensual we are. That's what happened to Faraj. It's cool to use to sensual.

They can't come in here wearing silks, Mr. Faraj. But around the non-sensual white boys around about discrimination policy. They just ban you if you buy jar and black clove cigarettes and he's been banned. That's right. I think K.E. was also had to start the account and close. And me and university, uh, no, it's what you had your account of coo's close. Yeah, an essential wipe-o face. Go on. Smart pass. It's an American, um, American firm, uh, and it's a digital blank pass. Oh, fuck, I don't know. They finally invented something that will make me pass.

Technology is amazing. Is it like easy pass, but for something else, besides driving? Yes, okay. Tony Blair's finally found a way to get you to apply for a voluntary ID card. Sort of. Okay, great.

I'm in. So SmartPass is the ultimate solution for blank management. Uh, like a gate, so some shit like that. Like a airport, is it like a thing like you get it? If you're, I actually have a valid business reason as a single white guy to be visiting Thailand. It's not what you think. Going through the sensual Apple security. They don't search your bags that much. It's like easy pass, but they check your hard drive and like, yeah, you think. Going through the sensual Apple security. They don't social bags that much.

It's like easy pass, but they check your hard drive and like, yeah, you're clear for time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. CSI pre-check, but for not being a pedophile. You said, mate, your hard drive's once, and then you good. It's OK, I'm just selling DDT and Latin Cambodia, right? Like, I was connecting flight through Bangkok. I swear, you can reduce student time it's another

bit of educational technology uh-huh spent in your blank toilet yes no is it like an RFID thing to see how long you go to the bathroom for I'm gonna scroll down and I'm gonna read track in the piss metrics man you can't do that as I don't want the piss telemetry. As a podcaster, I find that anything that's measuring and controlling how long you shit for is a dog whistle targeted at discriminating against me. Yeah. Once again, the central white boys

with light lactose intolerance. Yeah, like campus police are just like, oh, Zulu Alpho, his one's phone in there. Yeah. So I've now scrolled down to respond directly to what you said about the bathroom about the pistol elementary Yeah, about the f1 sort of like pit lane Monitoring the like stream and like angle and duration. Yeah, no, it's just that they have a predator drone circling It's just like you go into the bathroom for more than three minutes,

take the school. You go into the toilet and like a pit crew like pulls the shit out of their ass. And then like another guy wipes and it's like, it all takes half a second. So I was just gonna say they finally found a way to automate gold and eye bathroom intrusion. It's like, there's a reason for guys to drop

from the ceiling and it's not some kind of, you know, weird, jumped up thread. It's just, it's trying to protect the integrity of the bathroom. I'm going to read from the Washington Post now. Okay. And I'm doing the listen brothers. All right. As student as well. A student was called into principal Chris Mastrangelo's office at Molden High School for a meeting. high school name-remeeting. The subject is a Strangelo. Chris, Mr. Angelo. The subject. The subject. She Chris, my Mr. Angelo. Subject. 41 days into the school year.

The student had missed a total of 11 hours and 42 minutes of classroom instruction in the bathroom. How much? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's got an antigan. He's got the school. Old time world piss champ.

Look, it might not matter if he passes Algebra, but if he gets the world jueling record, he'll live in fame forever, all right? Let him live. We had one student who filled up the toilet. We still don't know that was possible. It wasn't blocked. He just filled the sewer with piss.

It was backing up into the things. Of the 44 times the student had used to pass, 40 took longer than the seven minutes allowed for bathroom breaks. Okay, this is fascism. I'm sorry. What did Fukosa hit about the school? The seven minutes is weird. It's like, it's far too long for a piss, but it's nowhere near long enough for a shit. I don't like... You can't average out though.

It's a classic expression. This is a question we'll not stay. The mean average doesn't work. You need to use the modal. Like, that would have been too short in 2003 when I was in high school when we were using higher edglists. We didn't have smartphones back then, all right? Now you have things you can do while you're sitting in the toilet, all right?

Back in those days, you'd draw them on the wall to fantasize about them or dream about them. Give give them time. How did Mr. Engelow calculate the bathroom time down to the minute? He used to technology coming to more and more Massachusetts schools, digital hall passes. So the calculation software, the piss algorithm. Yeah, SmartPass brings, SmartPass water brings multiple data sources to create a unified panoramic view of student movement. Why? Or did I say movement? The shitting panopticon trying to get a unified panoramic view of the children using the

bathroom, the absolute non-serie of it. Yeah, like they're getting dragged away. Like, it's just the data. They're going to get McKinsey in. Like, Pete Butajeg is going to be sent into a school to do six sigma efficiency on the shitting patterns of their student. Yeah, he was doing like a piss fixing cartel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're losing the equivalent of 500 coloring in books a year to piss and shit aggregation. Students log their destination into the app on a school-issued Chromebook. That's a very expensive question. Did the Chromebook in the fucking bathroom with them? No, they log it, and then they're checked out.

And then a teacher, if they see them, can log into the system. And the, all right, little Bobby, you have three minutes left to go to that bathroom. No others. I just to me I was like this is normalizing you know Pre-Wi-Fi horny guys bringing their laptops into the bathroom the kids can finally break free of the confines that we had Honey guys are like trailing an ethernet cable Running around like the hacker from a fucking cyberpunk movie. So there's a comprehensive digital record of all time away from class by category.

OK. You can set past limits so you can say, no bathroom for you, Tommy. Hold it in, boy. You can also block two students from being in the same part of the school at the same time. It's like you're creating invisible walls like an old RPG. So we made the prison from and or but for like to stop you from smoking in a bathroom together or whatever.

They shit too good when there's a two metric three-molege. So you can automatically block students from meeting up with problem peers. Okay. Yeah. So you can automatically block students from meeting up with problem peers. Uh, okay. Yeah. All problem peers. Thank you. Don't encourage them. Thank you. That is what it deserves. They're too powerful when they go asked to ask. They're all getting a five minute time out. So, so, so, so, people who are in like a Persex cage separated and they've each got a toilet, but they like press both their asses up against the Persex wall.

And like, shit down the wall in unison, you know. Oh, Jesus, dude. Hi, what are they gonna do if they meet up? Like, just like, oh, the alarm go off in the school, do they get detention? Like, does a shot collar go off? Like, what happened to you? The French Canadian SWAT team gets schooled in. So, it can be like, get detention, like does a shock collar go off? Like what happened to you? The French Canadian SWAT team gets scolded.

So it can be like, all right, you have a pass for hallway egg and you have a pass for hallway B and you get in trouble if you cross into either one. And it's like how the, it's no longer on. Yeah. It's like graffiti all down the wall down the toilet. No, you're not supposed to go down the shankill hallway.

Yeah, that's right. It's like on those forms, they say, are you a terrorist? And if you say, or do you have any terrorist affiliations, you say no, they can get you for lying. Huge mural of someone in a balaclav, a satan toilet with that trousers down. Massive Irish flag, and then just talk it all off. So I did a little bit of looking, and apparently this was partly inspired by a moral panic

or adoption is partly inspired by a moral panic around TikTok. Right. So now, I mean, my most extremely gross idea, I can imagine parents in America freaking themselves out that that was actually really happening. When I was a kid, when Columbine happened, they were convinced that like the trench coat mafia was a transnational organization and every school had a chapter of them It was like no you just have kids who were dorks who go to military surplus stores and where fucking trench coats like but people can work Themselves up to a frenzy particularly in America, and it's like if you can sell them the prison tech then I guess yeah

It's excited. That was gonna be acne ISIS. No last year There was a tick-tock challenge that a lot of schools went through. Kids would text each other to leave class, then they'd meet up and go around the building and film themselves doing various things, such as vaping. Free those kings and queens, let them have it. Let them hunk! That's right.

The TikTok challenge also included stealing things from the school. A thing that's never been done by high school students ever. Not until the Chinese told them to through TikTok. Yeah, right. We put it on the computer, and now we can also warm beer those kits. Yeah. What the Chinese told them to do was incriminate themselves

by putting videos of themselves doing it on the internet. If anything, that makes the school's job easy. It's like premieres Xi Jinping, please give us the social credit system. Our kids are doing a game where they high five over the toilet stalls. It's going to bring down America. Look, at my school when a kid shit in the urinal, they had no other way of determining the culprit than the Scottish like groundskeeper guy coming in with a fucking bin liner full

of human shit walking into a classroom and going, who did this? Fucking Jillian McKee, the origin story. You've got a potassium deficiency. We should discuss this in my office. There is a number of balance in your diet. At least that would do something for you. Yeah. Right.

So you can take a sivon. You can also you shake like it's a tarot God. You could also restrict access to certain bathrooms, water founds and so on. So I'm sure this this won't be abused for like any reason. What's the way? So well, I recidivist of all the rooms.

So what? But what okay? Well, actually, well, I have to ask, like the kids have to wear tags or something, do they have to do a scan? No, it's like, I'm one of these. What happens is, is that a teacher will, is that all of the data is collected and is viewable by the principal.

And if a teacher passes you, they're like, they can check their phone and be like, hey, you're supposed to be in the other bathroom, not this bathroom. You're gonna go to the office now. So basically, like they're selling this like future tech panoptocombit. It's just teachers marking and a spreadsheet. That's correct, yes. I mean, it's a good thing. No one's panicking about any particular types of kids using any particular types of bathrooms while they're at school.

So we, we, we forbade all the trans kids to pass. So, well, they said, we're not doing anything different than we other did other than making it more efficient, explain what administrator. We're actually giving kids, and this is my favorite. It's like you busy blockers, just wait, just hold it. This is one of my favorite lines in this whole article. We're actually giving kids more opportunities to go to the bathroom than they previously had. Hell yeah. That's technocracy, baby. We're not violating privacy.

Really what we're looking at is the CEO. Really, all we're looking at is how long, how many times, and how often a kid is leaving for the bathroom, what it's for, whether it's for the bathroom, the nurse, or going to see another teacher. We're not violating privacy. We're just collecting non-anonymized data of all of your movements, some of which is health related.

It has some troubling implications, you know? Took me a minute for the dawning horror to dawn, but now it has. Yeah. This is how I pick them. This is how I pick the companies. I'm like, yes, this is good. The dawning horror does come.

It's slow burn, this one. There's no option on the past form for jacking all. I feel like the response to this is a child put under this regime. It's just to be as compliant with the data as possible in a really annoying way. Just be like, uh, sorry, you know, to your teacher, like, Hey, sorry, I, uh, the doctor said I have to eat a lot of fiber and just constantly logging in like, no, I've just shit every 15 minutes. The doctor said so just overwhelmed them.

We're catching a picture of this. Yeah. I've got, I've got telegram. I can do a live. You can't even do it. You want to see like an old text description of the show. So this is, you know, a perusual right what this is. It's actually a solution to the crisis in education where there are enough teachers to provide any kind of oversight.

So the solution of course is the bathroom pen optical. I mean, this has made me feel like a very meat school. It's maybe for bedtime abolition, man. You can't do this shit, like, literally in this case, but like, you can't... This is so... Why does the school resemble the penopticon? Why must it be? Why does the school resemble not just the prison, but also the halfway house and the work release? In prison, they let you shit.

That's one of the things they've applied in the past. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just everyone just gets to watch. So the solution is to make school like prison every classroom that with kids or you're weird. So basically, the solution is every classroom should be a prison and every classroom should have a stainless steel toilet with no seed. You have to use the bathroom. You just get up for class and use it.

You can continue paying attention. Yeah. No penopticon necess- There is sort of a lot of people seeing you shit, but not a penopticon of a digital sense of litigation. It's just the men's toilet, so that bar and blooming to Indiana. All right, fine.

All right. Well, hey, consider yourself cute up for a store. All right. So this is kind of like a story I've told them when we're on tour in the van, but there is this horrible bar. If any of you are familiar with Bloomington, Indiana, please, mid-me a shout. Okay, one or two, yeah, all right. So Uncle Festers, upstairs, there was upstairs, and there was Uncle Festers, two bars on Kirkwood

Avenue. They sucked their bad. Anyway, I think it was Uncle Festers. There was a bathroom. The men's room upstairs was two urinals, and then just a free standing like a toilet, like a seat toilet. There was no divider, there was no door, there was no privacy. And the bars in America, and typically in Indiana, stay open pretty late.

So one night I was there at 3 a.m. or so about closing time, and there was a little person, and he was going number two. Put it that way. He was taking a shit, and everyone could see when they walked in. And people were drunk and assholes because it's Indiana in like 2006. And so people basically were telling their friends, hey, this little person is shitting.

I'm trying to be as plaspossed, but they were using much ruder words. And this is what bait him quite. This became enough of a thing. The finally the guy, people would come in and the guy would be sitting on the toilet, and be like, I know! I know!

And we need to get that into schools. But that little guy is moment of pure psychological torture and defeat. It's liberating in a way. Once you've been through that, you fear nothing. What, like, prison? It's like when I had a dysentery on a 25 hour flight to Australia. Like after that, I'm like, this world can do nothing to me. So Jason Kelly, associate director of the Electronic Frontier Foundation,

unsurprisingly said, I don't think bathroom big brother is solving any real problems that exist, but is potentially creating some new ones. Bathroom big brother sounds like a self-applied badge of honor for British transphobes, quite friendly. I hate it when I go to the toilet and George Callowais in there going, do you want me to be the cat? But if you're not troubled by the idea of a lot of schools creating complete 100% minute perfect records of all student locations

that you can access live at all times if you just look at the principal's computer. If that doesn't make you uncomfortable, for some reason, the PooPenopticon company does sell shirts. You can buy a shirt. Yeah, and they're for sale at the back at the end of the shirt. You can buy a literal hall monitor enthusiast shirt. I mean, but follow me to the toilet. Bathroom Big Brother has just put me in mind of a uniquely fucked idea, which is you collect all of the bathroom footage they didn't air from every season of Big Brother. You just show that back to back.

It's on real late at night. You have to be it. It's for the real perverts. All the so far past the watershed. it's for the real purpose. All the, so far past the watershed, it's in the next watershed. Yeah. I'm like nine a.m. on channel five. No, it's not, it's gonna commit to watching it, but like if you put that on band camp, it would make billions of dollars.

All right, all right. So who's ready to hear of the wonderful plans for all of us being discussed at the Tony Blair Institute for Regime Change. Oh, yeah. So basically, here's how they advertise the event. A new plan for Britain needs to connect modern politics as opposed to the other kind, with today's era of innovation, again, as opposed to any previous one.

Well, previously we were dating with the Wigs of course. Yeah, the steam loom, we're no longer the steamer. Yeah, the French anti-Semitism policy. Yeah, the Wigs. And now it's all apps, you know? We have to bridge that divide. That's why alongside youth organization My Life, My Say, we hosted our second future of Britain conference.

Of course, what this actually is, right? This is a series of advertisements directed at an audience of exactly one man, Kierstarmher. Yeah, it's like the world not transformed. You know, it's a big deal for people with very into things not getting any better. And so it's ads for a world view in general, right? Ads for a particular political party, labor under new management. And then in several quite egregious cases, just ads for particular companies like Suggestic, hey, Starmer, you might want to use this service

for your education, Ben Opticon. Oh, hey, they fully just microtogged it stuff to one guy, here's to them. Do you ever go out to Paul Dobin? You've got all those pop-up wedens for G4S at your area. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. and you've got all those pop-up windows for G4S in your area. LAUGHTER Hony Milves in your area are considering switching to the Labour Party under new management.

A reasonable centrist Milves in your area. And I welcome those Milves. We are a broad church. So, the other organization that the Tony Blair Institute put this on with his call My Life, My Say, which is basically, if you don't remember them, they are famous for submitting doomed petitions to satisfy middle aged observer readers, such as one admonishing Boris Johnson for shutting down Parliament. Basically, the most nebish, 18-year-olds in all of Britain. I see, I love a youth organization like that because they have the same relationship

to the observer and to the labor policy as conservative MPs have to the SAS, right? They're not in it, but they hope to be desperately and they do some part time, they're the TA of the labor policy, genuinely. This is like, part time, they're the TA of the labor policy in January. This is like, it's his dad's army observer. Yeah. So the first of the, again, I would say I'm one of dozens

of people, including bots, several of people, who watched all this stuff. The first of the presentation recorded AI bot suicide was a bad news. Yeah, Chad GBT's got back down to 3.5. So, former conservative leader William Hague is flashed up on screen. Oh, Mr. 20 point today, he's back out of retirement. It says, we are in the fastest period of technological change in innovation in the whole history of human civilization. And that's good, is it? New technologies such as AI have reformed education, food somehow.

I don't know how to say you're controlling like you're measuring whether the children are like going to shit on like both ends, you know? Yeah, well now a composer can eat your burger for you. Thank God. Saving and time. So also, by the way, anyone who's been paying attention, the last AI-powered vertical farming startup has now gone bust, so I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

They also got the former president of Estonia to come on and say that their government improved massively when they decided to give everyone on the count of three say it with me one two three I need a German helmet ID cars We are German helmet yeah, the one helmet I'm so obsessed with yeah, so They say the United Kingdom stands at the forefront of this revolution to secure our future We must abandon outdated ideologies such as left and right, and embrace a new approach

driven by science and technology. I don't love the to secure our future, but to be honest, doesn't it? Bit awkward, some new associations. But also, it's very funny that he's a fixator in that when this is the country with the world's most CCTV and also anti-teenspeakers that just play a secret frequency to drive teenagers and say like they already confined your face

anywhere in this country because like no one's watching the cameras because if you call the cops to do anything it doesn't matter they won't they don't have time they don't share well there's any nice three cops that very out of the work to them are not that spicing image show yeah yeah that's right and that future episode so I forget you that I I'm just doing callbacks to the future. Yeah, really, really professional. But you weren't all there. Come on.

So the other funny thing was this introductory video is they use the same music and sizzle reel they use for Neom, but for Britain. Like we've Tony Blair is going to create the British line. And I'm very excited about it. I mean, I feel like it would be better if instead of trying to big up AI and whatever the fuck else like they just big up The companies that invest in giving Tony Blair money so you just get really glossy ads for like Kazak dungeon soundproofing service or something Listen those guys do a very professional job under difficult conditions

Yeah, I was gonna say we wouldn't have neighbors complaining about noise from our studio Kazak dungeon noise briefing guy. Yeah, our previous downstairs neighbors were the Saudi government and we only ever heard muffled screams. Muffled! In fact, it did leave all those weird suitcases out for the trash that one's on. Yeah, the guy at the bin man said they wouldn't collect them as organic waste. It requires us to reimagine the state so it is more strategic and a cross party consensus. Again, of all ex-politicians, nobody currently in office in this video.

Yeah, like William Hague, like a current strategic future thinker that he is. Like, also, what cross party consensus? Like, it's been dead forever. Yeah. Literally yesterday, Rishi Soonak put out an ad saying, hey, what cross-party consensus? Like, it's been dead forever. Yeah. Literally yesterday, Rishi Sunak put out an ad saying, Hey, anyone who wants to do one of these stochastic terrorism on any lefties, go ahead. I mean, listen, I don't think it's good, but I do think it's funny that all politics is just calling each other non-says now. But like, to come into this with like, I've got some moderate centrism in the form of

ID cards and a very like collaborative way of introducing them It's like it's so tone deaf. Well, don't forget though. Only this isn't to convince us or any of you or anyone by the bar Also, also Blair wasn't that fucking collaborative like considering you know I'm gonna release a report that's a bit critical of the claims of WMD. Instantly found dead. Was that, do you think that was a good example of collaborative? Tony Blair and David Kelly had a discussion. True.

And then they used some of Tony's clients in the Kazakh dungeon soundproofing surface. Look, David Kelly spent too long in the toilet. And you know, that kind of a hazy quenching. Yeah, that's right. Sometimes the cross-party consensus is that we just kill a guy. We did deliberate it. We did agree. The 20 finds today guy and Tony Blair and some unnamed people with badges,

they say it was fine. This is Tony Blair's keynote. We need policies that will get the economy moving and a long-term plan for the country's future. This next line made me really, really mad and I had to make sure to go back in the video to transcribe it accurately, which I will now read to you. We could debate about how we got here.

Fading up the big hot dog costume. We're all trying to find the guy who did this. Yeah, listen, we could spend a lot of time arguing about which of us was driving when the car went into the ditch. Or we could progress into getting the car out of the ditch together. That's right. We can all do a breathalyzer and it'll show some numbers. Listen, I can be any of this. Just concerning when that happens, then you walk out and see all of the ads for like cars

and ditches are great.com or whatever the fuck. All of the people invested in this, KSTOM is talking about that. No, no, that cyclist in ditches are great.com. Yeah. That's very odd. The actions of the state have not kept pace with what is happening in the real world, you know, the state in its fake world. Uh-huh. And then says the level of spending is alarming because too much of it is going on disability

or social care. Oh Tony, never change. Yeah. I mean, I think that in a country where like the guy down the pub who happens to know Matt Hancock is awarded seven billion pounds or whatever, or like they say, hey, we have to make this refugee in tournament camp less friendly. So paint over the fucking counterfeit Mickey Mouse. Like, I feel as though if you home in on, oh, we give too much money to our generous benefit system. Like, it's just, it kind of feels like that's the axi's gonna

grind no matter what. And maybe that's the obvious thing to say, but it's just like, it's like the ID card thing is like, we get it. That's been too long in the toilet. Well, because the thing is spending too long in the toilet or being on disability benefits don't grow the economy. I think you're saying the CASAT government is very much

maligned. It's not true. Like being on disability. It's recording studio down there. I have to go. Being on disability benefits doesn't make it easy if you define the job at some point, and it doesn't like help the economy by giving you money to put into it.

It just, that's the fallacy, right? I'll tell you why, it's because it doesn't make more chatbots, which is that's progress. You might get like a real talk to they all killed themselves after listening to this. Yeah, so he says, this is going to accelerate the world is changing and the state is not. We have no digital ID cards. He loves them so bad, dude. I wish that like I loved anything in the world as much as Tony Blair loves ID cards. And I don't think I'm particularly short stuff

for loving stuff, but not that much, not like... It's just very strange because I'm from a country where we love ID. When I lived in New York, if I went to a doctor's appointment to get into the building where the doctor's office was, you had the show ID at the door, and you had the show ID at the doctor's office as well.

We're constantly showing ID for everything in the United States. And it's like, it seems strange given how the Stopey in America is that Tony Blair has settled on that being the thing that would make the world the future utopia meme is just the ID cards for. Like, what is it that he thinks it will remedy? I really genuinely like, okay, we're a comedy podcast.

We talk on stage, but I genuinely don't know. What the fuck is he so into? Honestly, I honestly think it's the one thing he wanted to do that he couldn't get done I wanted a fucking fair it when I was 13 But all I did all day long was talk about ferrets when I'm almost 40 y'all would be like this a little bit weird Man, you might let the ferrets go Well, they got a train the ferret to get this shit out of your ass No, that's a solution you're out of there

It's the children in the bathroom too long, you just let the pharix loose. Those kids will get the fuck back to class. Timmy, 30 second warning for the cage of parents above the toilet opens. So I mean, I'll give you the under the toilet. They're gonna come out. Yeah, the both cages. I'll give you the actual answer.

Anything that's still in there, they will get. I'll give you the actual answer and Anything that's still in there, they will get. I'll give you the actual answer and then go back to the Larks, which is that the fantasy of new labor was always to create a state where everything could be finally administered from the top down down to the individual level. Like they didn't just want a micro target like benefits by income level. They want to have basically a complete social credit score to be like, all right, you logged 33 hours of work on your on your ID today. That means your benefits are going to go down by 25 pence or whatever.

That's what he wanted. They wanted the ultra computer, but also they were like, but we don't we're not going to actually spend money on the ultra computer. We've just figured out that having this first step of a thing you have to carry or whatever ID digital thing that's going to solve the problem. The ultra computer is a weeezing beige like CPU tower. Yeah, it's a compact from a school. Yeah.

Yeah. So, anyway, the influence this is going to have on Starmer basically is, is like, what Starmer is being, he's being courted, he's being seduced, which is quite uncomfortable to consider. I mean, the suggestion of Kierstormer by Tony Blair sounds like a deeply disturbing erotic novel. And it's like, there's many voices that could come out of that that could be done to great effect for parody.

You're talking to Sir Joseph, Mr. Robinson, because I really think we should be focusing on the larger poitette. There's a stack. I said, he would have gone into plastics, the Kierstrom regraduate. So this technological revolution will allow us to reimagine the state entirely, working together with the private sector in partnership to create the economy for the future, which again, the British state has never done,

Blair himself has never done. Yeah, also like what are the consequences of that now that we live in the ruins of it? Like it's he did it with the dome. That was the dome was a big thing to be like, it's him you remember the dome. Uh, I can never forget the dome. I'll never forget the dome. Let's hear it for the dome.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, It's like when you go to an old folks home and talk about more common lies Members the dome That's right. Mildred. There was a big boy in there He was an naked boy wasn't he and what a lovely boy Going to the O2 and complaining to the very underpaid event staff that the boy is missing

Where's the boy the boy the boy host? Yeah, I came here for the boy is missing. Where's the boy? The boy. The boy heist. Yeah, I came here for the boy. The last time that the state worked in partnership with the private sector and the way that Tony Blair is talking about, like, yeah, you got the dome. Well, that too, plus the dome was like, it was a preview of coming attractions, right? It was what Blair isn't wanted to do. It was like the apple cart being set out.

And that's this for Stama but instead of an act instead of an actual dome with an actual boy in it like shit has gotten so bad because of the consequences of that dome that now we're down to like a YouTube playlist. Yeah, I mean it seems like I realize you do this intentionally but it seems like the school bathroom RFID social credit system and Tony Blair's ideal government are very close together And it's like except I have to I know right my Riley's brain here But it's like you have to extend it to all the things Tony Blair wants you to stop doing or to do It's like are you going to lose your mortgage because you touch someone's bins and that's an instant minus one thousand credits

Oh, no, it's much worse than that. We've electrified the bins Don't the bin man. They have rubber gloves, they're fine. Sanding, I didn't touch the bins as I was in the catac amnesty. Sorry. Can I just, to get a sense of the room, can I just, can you make some noise if one or two things happened, either if you were paid by furlough or if your energy bill was materially affected

by the lowered price cap. Do you see a number? Okay, a few of you. Right. The Tony Blair Institute for Strategic Regime Change. He said. He can get fucked. I mean, for reference, like, when in the early days of doing podcasting as a job, my wife

got furloughed and it was the only thing that she let her keep her job. And if she hadn't, we probably would have had to leave the country because yeah. It's very hard to substantiate income in Britain's very insane immigration system. If you are self-employed or you work as a freelancer. So, so I do have a slight stake in it. So, put it that way. He says modern systems could help target interventions to save the state money. We could have saved 40 billion on the furlough. So most of you could have gone and gotten fucked basically. Yeah Probably Or and then we could have also have the energy bill support. So the rest of you could also have gotten fucked according to Sony Blair

Seven minutes or less. There is a danger for progressives to retreat to old-fashioned state intervention, or more worryingly, new-fashioned identity politics. Yeah, so... So... Oh, you identify as being called and meeting electricity pussy. So this is for Starma, right? Why then has Kirstarma tripped headfirst into the rabbit hole of identity politics today? Because he's not very good at this.

I see. I see. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. So what Tony Blair, a guy who was forced into doing the only meaningful like trans reform in the UK and like ever, by the courts has said to Kirstama is just don't be transphobic for a minute, right? Instead do the ID cards and all the other evil shit. I think he's saying be transphobic. Whenever they say the guys like Blair say, identity politics, they mean you are making any concessions to anything besides the most original hit fingers. Ah, okay, yeah, right, that makes sense. As long as you have an ID card, it can have whatever gender you want.

Just please take the card. I'm begging you, really. Oh, I've got just a little card. One, the card. I see. I saw you. You've gotten your Blair. Tony Blair is really lucky.

Really? Really? Like, receiving my blab out. It just, I don't know, that sounds like you're getting given literature by a very, very horny Jehovah's Witness who might kill you. You're not sure. Yeah, that was very, very exciting.

That was what it felt like. Yeah, that's David Kelly opening the door. You like to meet God? Uh, so, Fixie, yeah. You like to meet God? So, fix it. Yeah. I put some memes of Evan. I was like, David Kelly shaking hands with her handbag. Like so.

We were waiting for you, son. So that will be a wonderful video. Probably Tony Blair got you as well. So, I'm gonna do the two food environment ones. I very rarely do content warnings, but my God are these fat phobic. Oh, cool, okay. So this is the first speaker,

and I'm gonna say the name of the speaker at the end of the segment, because I was puzzled and had to look him up and was surprised that he was who I thought he was. So, and the NHS is beginning to buckle under the weight of our population. Cool. Okay. That's the tone we're taking, right?

And poor diet is the main part. Just addressing Britain in a friendly, relatable, and likeable way, like, loud asses. Good evening. Peter Files. It also would be very funny if the person making the statement is very obviously not within the kind of absurdly not effective or useful BMI guidelines for the NHS and also a Petyphiles. So what I'm saying is if resurrected serial Smith, he's the one giving this talk. Weirdly it's kind of a funnier person than that.

Oh, it's Simon Danchick. We'll get down. So Simon Danchick wrote the book about Cyril Smith being a nonsend that was revealed to have been trying to sexually proposition a 17 year old in his MP office, which is technically it's on the record. Not libel. He's not libel.

It's not libel. Well, he was an MP, but also that's legal with age and consent, but not legal when you're the MP and there you're intering. Writing a book about Cyril Smith is like the tape from the ring. Like you become a nonsense in seven days. So I, see I always think he was over like a serial killer taunting the police sort of thing. It was like set a non-staccato non-st. Yeah, so, so sick people.

If that was true, Britain would never have a problem with the shit. Because they've got traps on every goddamn corner half the country is chasing the other half sick people work less and pay less tax which is of course the worst thing about being sick obesity and adults cost the economy yada yada yada in the and here's like the gas blind of the speech in the UK you can buy 28 different kinds of kit cat because it's easier to sell than kale. There are audible gasps.

Oh fuck me, dude. Okay. This is... This is... this is the modern world, right? This is what they wanted. 28 different kinds of Kit Kat, you know, in the 50s That would have been like, you're a marvel of the future. 28 different kinds of Kit Kat. One of them has cow-mined it. Why, this one's flavored with delicious sweetest bestest. But also the idea that this one's aimed at homosecuals. That's right. It's legal now.

The idea that this is the people would give in the choice between the two would opt for the kale. It's like that very rarely happens unless you're living somewhere that's being governed by the British from abroad. And it's like, well, the kale is there and you can eat it. It's just, I don't understand why there's that dichotomy made there. Well, you know, because the dichotomy is, if you're going to the store and want to get something really quick, and you have a hot plate, an electrical outlet, a pan, a, yeah.

So they say, we have to raise the tax on junk food and trim 38 calories off the average daily intake. Well, like we're a medieval king. I must raise attacks on the Kit Katz to wage war on the moor. Like, I don't know if you've noticed this, dear audience, but it's fucking shit living here, a lot of the time. And that very fee all of the Kit Katz. You know, this is the thing, very few pleasures remain to us.

And one by one, Tony Blair is coming to our house like we are a former UN weapons inspector And he is slapping the Kit Kat out of our hands replacing with another Kit Kat being like you'd probably prefer this one Yeah, the kareen smoke coming off of it It's like chocolate in robed kale. I mean the kale, the kale, kittcat does seem like the logical can follow up to the savory vape. You'll take the cum cow of my cold dead hands. This tax could raise three billion pounds for those living in poverty and provide improved in cooking education. The Tony Blair Institute has just published a report with other such creative solutions. I mean, okay, so hold on a minute, right? There's a kernel of a point here in that, like,

because of all of the problems, probably the way in which we consume food is gonna need to change, right? Most obviously, we need to, like, a lot less meat and shit like that, fine. We may not be able to have the treats. You remember the banana discourse? The way they're approaching this is to go, you know, you can still have it,

but like, only if you're like upper middle class, in the same way as like a sugary drink where it's like you can't get like a like a full fat coke for like, you know, like break the locks on a shipping container from pole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like soprano style. Yeah, but you can get like a phantom. And if you're like nice and like, you can get three different flavors of vape. Yeah, not long, but you can have a cake, have your ribs. You've got a flex for the guy that needs a nice boss.

You're only allowed to break it between your four or arm and bicep. Yeah. So this was a summary of a talk given by a man named Henry Dimblebee. Yeah. The son of David Dimblebee, who's qualified because- The Dimbleboy. Because- Because-

He's qualified to do this because he started Leon restaurants. Oh. Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's right. That's right. The worst bug you can get. It comes with a little lecture. You shouldn't be eating this.

I fucking hate Leon. It's, I mean, look, as a standout comedian, I eat fast food up and down the country constantly and Leon is fucking dog. Yeah. It's overpriced. It tastes like shit. Okay, look, this isn't a joke.

It's just a serious. No, no, no, no, no. But now you know. This is my opinion. Now you know that it's run by David Dimpleby's fail Some yeah the dimple boy Is there gonna be a fall you be on the other side of your face meet me and the dimple boys gonna come fuck you up We're gonna interview you in a very snide way

So the speech given by John Wagamama is saying that So this speech given by John Wagamama is saying that, and Britain needs to tack sweet things, which invariably the way it works here is then manufacturers just use the sweetener that gives you cancer to avoid the shared with threshold, because it's as opposed to America where they're like, no, a soft drink now costs $7 kind of thing. Well, what, how about you say that to me on News Night come?

So I'll give you the next, the next speech is Emily Maitless, interviewing Jamie Oliver. Oh, I watched the whole thing for you. Jamie Oliver is, Jamie Oliver playing the role of Dappelawks in this scenario. So returning to the scene of the crime, having ruined every soft drink in the country.

So, this is gonna be a quick one from this one. Is that what I really personally, sorry. Why don't you just take the load off and enjoy a nice San Pelagrino Tangerine. Don't ask about the sweet nurse, don't worry. It'll be fine. That's nice. I'm in the class.

Wrong with them. Jamie speaking weirdly fast, says, by the way, this has got real cope of sugar in it. Yeah, for kind of cope, I swear. He's been sped up. By the way, I'm a political before saying the person, but we're saying that the person who made the most difference was George Osborne for introducing the sugary drinks tax. It generated, check this out, it generated a billion and a half pounds that was supposed to go to children's breakfast clubs, but then the conservatives took it away.

It doesn't sound like George Osborne made much of a difference. He just took the fucking soda. So if you we know that doing the tax and spend shit doesn't work because we don't spend why do the fucking moral tax? You always find this out in the same way that having gone through this with with my wife that you know having to they make a 92% profit on all the processing fees the home office for visas and maybe people who are British who don't have immigrant relatives may not know this but like to renew a visa for your spouse for example costs three thousand pounds every

two and a half years and by the time you and sometimes if they want to fuck with you you can be like oh we don't trust you it's going to take you 10 years to naturalize, and you have to fucking do it four times. So in the grand scheme of things, you can spend anywhere from, let's say 10 to 20. And on the toilet, they extend it to 10,000 pounds on visa fees in the country. Yeah, because the phone office has hustle mindset.

And what do they do with that 92% profit? Invariably, you've wind out, it's like, oh, yeah, we decided to put a lot of money into parking racism.com in case we ever need it. So we've got that domain name. I've got a lot of ads for parking racism.com, in case we ever need it. So we got that domain name. I got a lot of ads for rice-sism.com. That handcock, as friend needs a new boat. So this is them talking about education.

You thought the penopticon was done wrong. This is Priya Lacani, OBE, the found this one of the direct product ads, by the way, directed to Kierstarmer. Sure. Priya Lacani, OBE. I'm gonna of the direct product ads, by the way, directed to Kira Starrmer. Priya Lakani, OBE. What should I get about OBE for? Thank you, I'll tell you. Nice idea of Courtney, it's one big E guy.

He's the founder and CEO of Century Tech, an AI-based edu-tech firm, and she's the former boss of Masala Masala, which is a sauce company. I see the tune of Shakira Shakira. Right, so why is this form of Sorcea doing education policy? This Sorce stopgurly. Yeah because this one pub Matt Hancock goes to you know what if you know you know this is this is

just look yesterday I had a sauce company today I'm building the British education. It's literally I went to a posh restaurant right and I had a like fancy burger and I asked the guy who owns the burger restaurant to do me the food policy and I had a little thing of sauce with it and I asked the person who owns the sauce company to do the education policy. That's right. Well they have to separate the two because as we know, they can't let essential white boys have the source. So, things are going poorly. Students are underperforming an exam.

Uh-huh. We're not all coated with the source. The one-size fits all the model of education, which we all know is our code for privatization. Uh-huh. Leaves too many children behind. We're going to move a privatization. Yay, what is the bearing?

You like conveying the G4S work trip, isn't it? behind. We're going to move a privatization. Yeah, you like computers for us work trip is it. There was some people in the back there pointing at their friend like, yeah, fucking love privatization. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like a club co-editing and it's like, oh, you know, you got that one friend to always part, so yeah. Yeah. A fucking loves Korean. So, when you ask people, who is the most important person in the classroom, they say the student, but when you ask people, they release into the bathroom. But when you ask people, who's the most powerful person in the classroom? Also the Ferrets. They say the teacher.

I'm just imagining myself as a 13 yearyear-old violating the bathroom policy so I could get to hang out with the ferret, not realize it was an attack ferret trained by a special farm in North Hampton, she or something like that. He's turned the ferrets against us. Chill, why does it be nice? This is what it feels like to be a rabbit anywhere in Britain. So the first time I met Nate, I said,

that boy could make a ferret do anything. So why do we waste so much of the teacher's talking? The first time I met Nate, I said, that boy could make a ferret do anything. So... So why do we waste so much of the teachers' time? Just show us, Shagger, Dan. I got on this fucking stage, and I'm not a fool. I'm not expecting to be retconned into my own ferret show to con from when I was fucking 13 years old, but it happens sometimes.

I'd like to tell you the ferrets left-nade sensual ass alone, but that would be a lie. So, those sensual white boys never have an easy time. That's let our cameraman compose himself. That's right. Thank you Tom. I'm the only non-sens. That's right. That's right. Thank you Tom. I love you buddy. I'm the only nonsensual man in Shawshank.

Why do we waste so much of every teacher's time? More than half of the teacher's time is spent identifying what the children are doing. More than half the teacher's time is spent identifying what the children need to progress, which to me is teaching. That is teaching. That's what do we have any teachers in? Right. spend identifying what the children need to progress. Which to me, that is te- That is te- That's what te- Do we have any teachers in?

Right, I'm just loving the five finger points. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that not? You're teaching. Please give me a good grade in podcasting. Is that not what teaching is? You identify what the kids need and then you do it. Yeah. But what if you but there's

not an AI that's just telling you which kids need what so you just basically go to them. We need France this beg be school teacher Norber believes until we find out which come because of the team's table. So, teach it to them in a Montessori manner. So, this is impossible to do. To count in Montessori's school. No, Montessori's just a really hard-skinned guy who's decided for Italians. It's quite prejudicial of you to assume that I couldn't teach in the Montessori style. I was actually trained in Steiner education, but the only school in the Pollock Shales area.

Okay, Montessori. We're getting back to it. It's a broadly similar educational glory. Okay, all right, Montessori. And if you don't like it, I'll glass you. All right, Montessori begby, thank you. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Montessori beg me.

I swear you people clap for things I don't fundamentally understand. Ha ha ha ha ha. Riley, half the show is people enjoying you getting flustered at us just being here. This is the show is the spectacle ride. Oh my god. This is impossible to do when you have 25 to 35 or sometimes three children every hour in front of you Okay, we should reduce the class sizes then I have to spend money Okay, yeah, so it's like there's either more teachers or more penopticons and

Starmer you know what to do thanks to Tony Blair Institute bring in people from the town to teach the kids and we're back up from, since big people are still like that. So I had a moment, a combination of delusion and optimism. When I realized that the technology changing the world, artificial intelligence could play a part. I see. You really can't. I'm a barista who had a sauce company.

Yeah, you really can't get lost in the sauce. Yeah. Thank you. We built as my, as my seasoned friend, well, no. There's no Montessori bag be, but I, I think the applause that I can get it. We built a machine that tracks every single mouse movement a student makes on our learning platform. Why? That's what it does. What don't do that? So, based on, did you say mouse that says ferret? So, based on how, if you're doing like, I don't know, algebra homework or whatever at night, based on how your mouse moves, so don't move your mouse weird, you better make sure you're moving your mouse in a way that's consistent with your actual understanding, or you're

going to get like derailed onto something else. Neuro divergent mouse movement detected. Yeah, like if you stand up to go get like a glass of water and someone moves your mouse, that will change your learning outcome. He's moving his mouse in a bisexual fashion. Take the house. He's tapped over to Spotify and put on a Robin song. Hahaha.

So it says, it will accurately predict how Tony will do on any question or learning objective, she says, turning to Tony Blair. Because he keeps answering ID cuts. Anonymized mocking was unable to stop the prejudice against Tony Blair and predict where he'll get stuck. I know Tony is looking at me and asking why we didn't give macroeconomics 101 to Liz and Quasi last autumn. That's so fucking funny.

Yeah. Yeah. The point is it can personalize learning, unlike, for example, teachers. Teacher, teacher. Take this example question. Rangit has four suites and Claire has two suites and Rangit gives Claire one suite

and the correct answer is, how the fuck do we know that's really Rangit? So... Let me see your fucking papers. So, so, so, wait, we're not... And where did you get all those sweets? We're not reducing class sizes. No.

But what we are doing is, like, you're new, like, Robocop teacher. It's going to get, like, a one-sentence summary from an AI on their, like, heads up display of, like, what are kids' dealers? Correct, yes. They'd be like, you need to relearn the math in Pythagoras' theorem. Oh, Jesus. So it's basically, it said, what if I take,

the thing is like, individualizing, like learning how to come shit like that, like good teachers, which we have in real life, some of them are in, do that, even with large class sizes. We just don't pay them enough to live on. But what if instead of paying the teachers more, we paid this sauce person. Yeah, you know what, you're right,

maybe we should give it to the fucking mayonnaise lady. Yeah, okay. An old time you slur for the dodge. Yeah. Mayonnaise by day, barbecue sauce by night. That's right. School's can see what's on the face. It's not on the face, it's the Dutch.

Because the Dutch do blackface. I'll tell you about it after drinks. It's so weird, I went to Leon and they gave me a free pot of boot polish. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't even get a message to the action between barbecue sauce and black rice. You fucking weird. Yeah, to me that just sounds like you're like a messy baby. I didn't even get the black chicken up with barbecue sauce. This is like a fine drop of bloodline about being a messy eater. When you just get covered in barbecue sauce. This is what it was Dutch. Yeah. Basically, schools can see also all real-time data

I'm not I'm not I'm not gonna keep doing this Because you're You're supposed your man is as one of being the like normal reasonable one and then what you've done is you've suggested to me You've introduced into this environment the concept of blacking up with barbecues I was trying to get, yes, going to get in your eyes, Tony. I was thinking of a darker condiment.

I'm not British, I don't go to Marmite. My brain doesn't go to Marmite. I'm not British, I don't go to Dracacondiment. I don't think a Dutch person would go to Marmite. My brain doesn't go to Marmite. So it's a DACA condiment concealed. But also, I don't think a Dutch person would go to Marmite unless they were a huge anglophile too. So it's like, this is a real perverted person. All right, well, let's be thankful that this person we've invented either isn't real or lives in Utrecht.

And it can hurt us. So may as well be the same. Schools can see real-time data anytime of the, are you done with the thing? Yeah, please. OK, I'm going to. Schools can see real-time data anytime of the, are you done with the thing? Yeah, please. They can see real-time data. Data that guided with the soul. I'm going to go with the tricker and like try new on it.

How are boys with three school meals performing in algebra versus the others? You can look at your subjects and see where you're not performing as a school. And then you can look in the entire country. But okay, right. So these kind of metrics, right? They're important, right?

But we already do them. And we do, like the, like Blair was part of the reason why we started doing this microtargeting. And now we do it on such a level that like, off-stead comes to your school and gives you feedback like you should kill yourself. Like, you can, and we're going to make that worse. But Japanese off-stead.

Pretty much. Like, we we're gonna make that worse. But Japanese offstead. Pretty much. Like, we're gonna make it so, that like from number 10, or from the century tech headquarters, they can start with a map of Britain, zoom in on one individual school. And know exactly who's shitting, and then we're, we've got to do in the test, Mr. Beckby,

and then he just shakes his head and hands you a short guitar. So what we've invented here is like cerebral for kids who are bad at math. So they say, and this is what the sales pitch says, adoption has been rapid in the private sector, but state education is afraid of AI. Crazy. AI is like your mother-in-law. Uh-huh.

Yup, can't fucking stand listening to him, alright? Goals, he's nothing but trouble. It will intervene in all your relationships with stakeholders. My mother-in-law is always intervening in my relationships with stakeholders, by the way. I'm not going to your mother's again. No, not if we're taking the stakeholders with us. But don't. You know what? She's like, she upsets the investors.

I think calling your children the stakeholders is the most new labor thing you can possibly do. That's that one kid who's in the audience here. He was raised as stakeholders. This is normal to him. My father was a stakeholder in his father. It's up to you to decide whether it's going to be helpful or overbearing. Again, is that up to you to decide about a mother-in-law? No, it's up to you to decide whether it's going to be helpful or overbearing.

Again, is that up to you to decide about a mother-in-law? No, it's up to the sole slidy. Yeah. Private schools have embraced it, and we cannot risk. But just to the sole slidy is my mother-in-law. No. Private schools have embraced it, and we cannot risk our state schools being left behind.

I.E. Steer-Stormer. Hook me up to the money hose. Please give me the big state money hose. Anyway, I guess the thing that gets me about this is that it's always like, what do they do with the data when they've identified that it's shit and it's irreparably shit because kids are poor

and they are in food poverty and their parents are working but can't afford to pay rent or wash their clothes and all these things and it's like, you'll get great granular data on that and their solution is Predator drone. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, pretty much Well, because then the idea is then they take that and then you can target because if you can micro target something enough It rounds to zero. That's like the whole nudge thing, right? You can be like look either we can feed this kid we can make sure his parents have a stable place to live whatever or

We can know the exact date to send him like a pamphlet on stick to it. Cool. I mean, it's weird because of all of the things I could imagine, Tony Blair, identifying with from Yukio Mishima. This is not one of them. All right, I believe we're coming to an hour, so I'm going to come to the final segment. We are coming to an hour, yeah I'm going to come to the final segment. We are coming to an hour, yeah? Okay, fine. This is so. Starmer now comes on and gives his speech.

Thank you for all the work that you do at the Tony Blair Institute. I have had. He says, don't have a far-tled pot of our Occulta-Bag. You make all of the Tarty Blad that sold in the nodulter. I have had and remember some of the ideas that we've discussed earlier. I have had report after report today about all the great ideas discussed here. Who can forget the Turbo Panopticon, the Saasai, the health program calling Britain fat? No child, if I am elected, elected will have an unfurited ass hole the now he he dropped some fucking heaters in this speech some real

starmer lines which I would say he was beyond sensual in this particular speech sexual you saw stuff yeah so the intray of the next government will be like no other. And without decisive leadership hold on. Even if it is methodological, it's a bullring. Hold on. Hold on. Let me get through the whole thing.

OK. The intray of the next government will be like no other. And without decisive leadership, that intray will not away at our shared hope and pushes toward a mindset of decline. Well, the intray. The audit, what would that look like? The intro...

The entry that knows the way it is. Yeah, you know, the entry that if you get too full, knows it, you invite you. It's one of the Stephen King novels he doesn't remember writing because he was on too much code. We're now like, well, this beg be like, he's reading the tarot card and he's like, I are shared in today is not

aware our hope. And is pushing us towards a mindset of decline. You know, in a way, I missed the absurd metaphor is there because I just was the idea of like, oh god, if Britain was into climb, what would that be like? It's like, what are all these metrics kind of point to? We don't have the ID cards. We can't know for sure. Okay. Some people say that Britain is in decline, although still say that Britain has tricks kind of point to we don't have the ID cards we can't over sure okay right in the car some people say the Britain is in decline although still say the Britain is getting worse and I say look let's put aside our differences for a moment we need three things growth growth growth it's like a shit tribute band yeah it's quite it's quite got the tone of the enlarge your pathrinas type email out one. We may have heard a refrain like that before. Oh

Fun fun joke for the room for the real Blair heads. Yeah How did that get a woo what the fuck is wrong? Same guys the one friend He fucking loves Blair He made his own ID card. The rabbit hole. He's a dodged virgin, active membership card. The rabbit hole of identity politics is there. You could earn more from the concerns of all the people.

You know, I'm sorry, my- We're not putting a spirit down the rabbit hole of identity politics. I'm stuck head first in the rabbit hole of my Dentry politics like Winnie the Pooh My ass hanging out. The ferret pit stop team of pulling turds out of my ass All right, so just to keep my head and shoulders are very woke. Just to keep track This rabbit hole is threatening our intray yet the rabbit hole is threatening our ability to empty the intray Which will otherwise not at our as we have to introduce to make some atosis into the white rabbit hole like a like a hungry and curious Mustalid we stuck our noses down the rabbit hole by identity politics and allowed the knowing

Massively grub body horror growing inbox to become human sentient and start gnawing away our hopes. That's one of the sentious Twitter accounts on green curates most of it. Yeah, it's just a pub and hackney. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Where they say bow buns for some reason. Here, here's another line that I am going, I think, it's okay, little peek behind the curtain.

Sometimes I know, I have a moment where I know that something is gonna be worth discussing on the show. And it was this line that made me decide to talk to you about the Tony Blair regime change conference today. Ahem. Growth in every community is the oxygen of our ambition. Oh, crap. Okay.

Yes, this is like tiny temporary. No, it's, you know, you know what I mean? It's like improv, like name and object, entry, name and state of matter, gaseous. Like, I love this. Breathing in the oxygen and ambition, exhaling the carbon dioxide of social progress. Well, because this is the thing, the Tories, the Tories are going to give us a nitrous oxide of

false hope. It's going to feel very good for a second, but then you may die and it just leaves a mess in the streets. In Traceau Big, I keep some of my aunt's house. People are asking me about the ferret, it's like a large mouse. The Amor nitrate of our growth and future prosperity. Thank you. We need a new government that doesn't say,

sorry, can you read the bit in quotes here? Okay. And we say, no, we won't intervene on behalf of businesses and working people. Yeah. How can you disagree with that? What government is saying? We will not intervene on behalf of businesses and working people.

We hate them. Anyway, here's another one. On the road back to hope and opportunity, the Shine Post is labeled growth. I'm sticking my head up out of the work rabbit hole to look at the Shine Post. The entry is knowing on my leg. I got a must-ealit on the other leg. I got a must-delete on the other leg. I'm inhaling a huge amount of nitrous oxide. And I'm ready to go, then, baby.

Did they keep Keir Starmer ketamin' before this peak? I'm fine. I get very difficult to walk, and I don't understand how I got here. I feel nice. I feel wibbly, and I feel like I'm growing. But we're all growing. We're stuck in a rabbit hole.

We're in the entra of the rabbit hole. We're becoming one big thing. Has anyone got a cigarette? This is the only way to break Britain out of the doom loop. Do I wear the doom loop? I'm in the rabbit hole. Has anybody got any water? You can't tell me the kiss, Tom, and knows,

and has said aloud the phrase doom loop. That's too funny. Like, I have listened to it. I've heard him say the phrase. How did he get there? What's he doing knowing the doom loop? The doom loop is more powerful than ever before. Yeah. I also find this interesting in the sense

that it's like all of this sort of like, oh, we would hate for things to go into decline. And it's like also, given the doom loop is real and we're in it right now, we might want to be exiting. This, it's like, isn't like you said, normally the thing with politicians would be like, the American people are great because they're good or whatever the fuck they say. It's done platitudes.

But in this case, it really is like, you're all pieces of shit. Also, we're gonna die. Everything is falling apart. It's the same with the food thing. It's like looking Britain in the eye and being like, you could stand to lose a few pounds. Yeah.

So I see you're enjoying that one sweet dream. Why don't you grab this bitter herb and stuff it down your face, you disgusting animal. K-Stymer at the election debate, like leaning on the lects head, like, no, no, it's fine. It's just, it's just good shit. I'll, I'll be fine in a minute. I'll, I'll govern you in a minute. So, they, they close proceedings by having Blair interview Starmer.

But every cocktail was waiting for that. Yeah, Frost's Nicks for our time. Starmer says, that song, things can only get better, it resonated. You remember that, right? And then things did. This is like when they interview an old rock star, except for someone everyone hates. It's a memory of your hits Tony. They've interviewed an old rock star

with a tribute act for that old rock star. Yeah great. That resonated because that was the mood of the country at the time. The economy was growing. We had a sense that it was a new century because I'm not looking forward to the like fucks 2020's Britpop cool Britannia shit that Kirstaama is gonna try he's gonna invite the 1975 to number 10 and it's gonna be the worst thing on a positive note the Kirstaama or Kedda mean experience could take place in that saying Kirstaama has to go on come town. Yes, dear. Well, should just have quiet a lovely bottom. On the side. But now, public services are on their knees

and the mood of the country is pretty bleak. And this is another thing. There's this occurs a bunch in all these. I'm using this one example of it. But now, most people fall into two camps. The ones where they say, Keeer, I like what you're saying. But can you do it? And the other that says what you're saying, but can you do it? And the other that says,

but Kier, will you do it? Because we've been lied to so much by the others. That's one camp. That's one camp and we're all going to it on with a fucking election. And then you've got the third camp, which is Ferrets. And if the first two camps can't get along, they will be released.

We painted over the counterfeit Mickey Mouse and we put a very threatening ferret cartoon ferret but still threatening. Oh, I hope your ass is empty. It's very much the... Your campaign is the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular? He says, the biggest failure of the conservatives is all the chopping and changing, which is politically funny. It makes for it,

again, I went back and confirmed this is what he really said. It makes for good cartoons, but it's catastrophic for investment. He makes for good puppet shows like still spitting image. I love it so much. He's probably the conservatives is like, hitting themselves on the head with a ball., while letting their eyes pop out on their tongue lol out of their head while they say, O'ruga, every time they see a private finance initiative. He's just a huge mat head, and he's the only one. So Liz Truss proved the thesis

that if you make unfunded commitments then the economy is going to be hard. But the problem wasn't that the commitments were unfunded. It could have been a funded commitment, but the commitment was to put like a pound of syntax under the market. You could cut. Yeah, so it's not investment.

Right, but what I thought was really funny. What the thesis that Liz Truss truly proved is that if you steal the bath roughs from checkers, they will be forced to replace them and they can't prove that you did history and economics. Steel bathrobe, wait for a placement, steel bathrobe. Exactly. It says, I'm going to end on this line. I will not let the labor government come close to what Liz Truss did because you're less far- Being elected. You're even fewer days in office. You are less fun and relatable than her.

Yeah, Liz Truss fun hang. Kierstama weird hang especially on the cast. I'm relatable. I'm a such a white. Anyway, we're all growing. We're here together anyway. That's all I was able to subject myself to from the Tony Blair and St. Dupre global regime chain.

And I would like to thank you all for coming out on a very rainy day to this large October fest tent. To hear us do our various larkin' and out. We're launching a pilsna after this. Yeah, I'm sorry. We're launching it into the crowd. I told you, you'll get what? I'll be pissed.

No, no, it's pilsner. There are a few more people I also want to thank. I want to thank our cameraman, Tom. Camera man and general helper and enforcer, Tom. Yes. We recruited him for the looks. Our cameraman and also hit man Tom. We said we need a guy who looks like someone you fight in final fight 3 and we found him. And I also want to thank our wonderful intern Keaton.

Where's the app? Where's our young intern at? Thanks, buddy. Thank you. Yeah. That's right. We haven't entered yet. We haven't entered yet. And I also like the least employable thing you can do

with your work experience. What do you do that summer just thinking, nothing. I play video games. I just blanked. I helped a lot with the stuff I didn't do anything. Primarily about blacking up with barbecue sauce. It's like being in the CIA, you have to be like, I was working in Pull Export.

I was on vacation. It also to the excellent venue staff for putting on a great show, we're going on all this good stuff. Thanks everyone. Anyone else? No. OK, then. All of you for coming out on the weddest July night,

I think I've ever seen. I really appreciate you. Thank you for coming out, everyone. I love you. All right, so I think that's everything. So once again, between the bridges London, thank you for coming out. Thank you.