TRASHFUTURE - Guess Who's Coming to Criticise Dinner ft. Jay Rayner

Episode Date: January 18, 2018

Second Thursday bonus episode in a row because I love you people, yakno. Riley (@raaleh), Olga (@rocknrolga), Hussein (@HKesvani), and Milo (@Milo_Edwards) are joined by the restaurant critic for the Observer, comedian, and jazz impressario, Jay Rayner (@JayRayner1). We talk about the dumbest fancy dining experience in the world, and then go into all the stupid ways rich people try to make food more exclusive. We talk raw water, raw milk, and the idiotic obsession with Clean Eating that will hopefully wipe out the rich as a species. Follow us on twitter @trashfuturepod warm regards, riley xoxo

Well, no, it was I met a man in a bar and I'd been following these things and I became vaguely interested and then I thought, what the hell? And I went and bought, shall I really tell you? Yeah, go ahead. All right, so I bought 750 quids worth of Bitcoin. And I told my 18 year old son who's doing computer statistics and he went, oh no, you're one of those people who's ruined crypto for everybody because you're just cashing and making it unusable as a currency. There was a beat and then he went, but really you should buy Ethereum. So I bought 550 quids worth of Ethereum as well. So it's 1300 and that was a month ago and I sold two days ago. I sold out the original investment, 1300 quid, waiting for that to

come back from Coinbase. We tried to get money out of Coinbase. It's like nearly impossible. Nearly impossible. But anyway, it's sitting there in a sterling wallet. So I know it's there and it's staggeringly stable compared to everything else. And I have 600, you know, invented pounds in Ethereum, which I'll just watch going up and down. So someone has actually made money out of crypto. Well, it's the same conversation is happening all over old street right now. It's like, I think, I think that's actually a big reason. One of the reasons that sort of until maybe, you know, today actually were it crashed to 10,000 pounds. Why Bitcoin's value has just was so resilient was because it was just so hard to get your money out. Well,

you can sell the Bitcoin, but you can only sell it into a euro or sterling wallet. And it's then trying to get that out into your own bank account. That's the challenge. So what are the issues? Just that weirdly, Coinbase, well, Coinbase is the one I'm using. Coinbase seems really keen to take your money off you when you're buying, but less keen to let you have it back. Capitalism, baby. Anyway, thank you for having me. Hell yeah. I'm going to just I'm going to kick us off. Well, Milo is getting his program set up. I'm going to say yeah, just hit record. I'm going to say welcome to Trash Future, the podcast about how the future, if we do not institute fully automated luxury, gay, space communism now is and will be trash. Welcome Jay Rainer. And we have friend of

the show. We have friend acquaintance of the show. We have frenemy of the show. So listen, I have to explain something here. So something popped up. I think it was around the shared issue, wasn't it? And we can go back over that. And then you and then you all started tweeting that something had been said. Now, I just need you to know the engagement on Twitter has been fine. I've enjoyed it. I've enjoyed tweeting with you. But the last thing I want you to think is that at any point, I actually listened to anything you said. I haven't listened to it. I have no idea what you said. I don't need to know. Because at the moment, we're getting on fine. Yeah. But I reckoned, you know, clearly, you regretted it in the morning. I've had texts and emails from you

Riley. So thanks for being such a sport and not, you know, because we were so dicks to you. I haven't listened to it. All I've got is the apologies. So and now I'm sitting in Olga's apartment looking out, you know, over the whole, it's a good view of London. It's a good view of London. And basically, I had to be somewhere out of the cold for an hour between gigs. So here I am. Thank you, Jay Rainer for coming on. No, no, no, it's fine. Let's continue. I did want a peppermint tea, but that didn't work out. Yeah. Olga did make you a tea saying, all I want is not to fuck up a tea for when the food critic comes to record an episode with her. I fucked it up. I wouldn't say, yeah, you did.

Can we expect a blistering review of Olga's tea making abilities? I don't want to break your heart, but no. No, it's just not, it's just not there. Yeah. I mean, you didn't screw it up enough really. It's true. I mean, if we'd tried to spherify it. Oh, if you'd spherified it, then, yeah, then I would have had issues. Many issues. So quick table setting before we get in. I am Rila. You can follow me on Twitter at Rila. You may know me from every episode of this show previously. My name is Olga. You can find me on Twitter at rock and roll. And I do comedy and don't make tea. Mine's Hussain Kizvani. You can follow me at HKizvani.

I don't really have anything interesting to say. I don't know why I'm here. And in the ball. Yeah. My name is Milo. I was joining you in the ball from still dark because it's 6.45 AM in the morning in California. You can follow me on Twitter at Milo underscore Edwards. And I'm Jay Rainer and I'm just here to get out the cold. I'm a journalist in a broadcast and you can follow me on Twitter at Jay Rainer one as quite a lot of people do actually. I've got a following. It's because we mentioned you on the podcast. That was the thing that took me from 203 and a half thousand to 203. I immediately lost 197,000 followers. It happens. Some of us lose followers. Some of us lose wives. Some of us lose large adult

sons. It's the trash future reverse Midas. Have you lost a wife? I've lost all my wives. They're waiting in heaven. So as is, of course, tradition and justice. We have decided that in the court of public opinion and indeed the International Criminal Court that Jay is allowed to roast us before we go in like a fine pork belly. Well, I mean, that's a kind offer, but I'm still trying to work out what exactly it is any of you do with your time. That's that's the intriguing thing. I've done searches. You and our space. Yeah, I know. I know. But it's nice. You've got a hobby. That's all I'm going to say. It's really nice that you've got a hobby and actually I'm pleased

that you took an interest. What did you find during the searches? That's what I'm worried about. It was dark, dark, dark. I mean, by dark, I just mean blank. There's nothing, nothing to say. All those videos of Hussain in a cave threatening the worst. Are you like face blind, but for people who have less than 100K followers? I don't know. I mean, it's like, well, that's just to chat with each other, isn't it? That's all it is. It's hanging out with your friends. It's nice. It's nice. It's good. It's good. Ah, love too. You can hear how many O's are on that too. Hang out casually during a work day. Real jobs with microphones. I know what I'm doing for a living today. I just have no idea what you

guys are doing. I've already checked in with all three of you before we started recording. What exactly it is you do, but I see absolutely no sign of it. At all. We're millennials. We do, you know, hookup culture and entitlement. That's good. That's good because, God knows, my lot, my generation has completely crashed the economy for you and you've got no other way of making a living. Yeah. Bread, roses and socialist podcasting, baby. Why are you sharing the revenue stream from this? You said so. Well, we'll monetize at some point. Well, I'll be back.

When we get five crypto kitties, that's when we've made. What the hell is a crypto kitty? I should know. It's a beanie baby on the blockchain and it's making the Ethereum network so slow as to be unusable. So it's good, basically. Some marketing company. Is that what's made my Ethereum holding crash in the past week? Because it really helps. It's because people keep giving us fake beanie babies that are worth up to a hundred thousand dollars each, but really it's just a picture of a cat that you can breed on the Ethereum blockchain. And the future is fine, actually.

Okay. This is no money advice from Jay Rainer. Business inspiration. I take business advice from Jay Rainer. I wouldn't. One business I kind of want to get a little bit of advice about. And that it's, I mean, this is sort of, this is this, I read this a while ago. It's sort of how I came to know you as a journalist was your very interesting visit to a particular restaurant in Paris. I want to hear a little about that. You're saying you hadn't actually come across me as a journalist until March of 2017. I've been slaving away at the salt mines of journalism since probably before you were born

and March 27, oh, April the 9th, April the 9th, 2017. That's the first thing of mine that you'd ever read. We only read manga. Oh, yeah. So this was the first thing that was just all words that you read. Yeah. Well, I was like, I'm reading it backwards. So here's the story. I write a restaurant column for the observer newspaper, a fine liberal paper in many ways. And because I write it for the observer, and it's a fine liberal paper, everybody below the line winters about price. Every, you know, if it's 30 pounds, all right, 30 pounds ahead, or I could stay and cook that myself. Well, why don't you fucking do so then? And you never get that stuff about price with sport. Nobody says how day you bourgeois entitled bastard going off to see Arsenal play

and spending 60 quid on a ticket and a pie and a pint. That's outright. They never say about sport because there's some is not bourgeois in the way they're going out for dinners anyway. A friend, I had to go to Paris to record the 100th episode of the Radio 4 series I do on Saturdays and repeat it on Tuesdays available to download as well. And a friend of mine said, well, when you review a restaurant while you're here, I went to Le Sainte, which is the Michelin three star restaurant of the Jean Sainte Hotel. So I went there a couple of years ago. It was extraordinary. Very expensive. Can you just clarify for our listeners what the Michelin star system is? It's a part of Wank for rich entitled people. But basically, you know, everybody likes prices. You know, one of the,

I have a sideline being paid to present awards. So I'm doing the Dairy Industry Awards next year, next week. And we're actually presenting the fake news awards for Donald Trump. There's mileage in awards, but everybody loves awards. And the Michelin star system was basically created by the entire company to give people a reason to drive their cars. So one Michelin star meant worth stopping the car. Two meant worth making a slight detour or through and three meant making a special journey. And that and now it's come to be associated with the Luxe economy and gastronomy madness and all of that sort of stuff. And I don't tend to go star hunting these days. I did once we should go back to that. But this Michelin three star was

suggested to me as a brilliant thing. I knew it would cost a lot of money 600 euros for two. My companion who lives in France said that she would pick up her bill. And I cleared it with the paper they would take half mine. So I paid 150 euros. And what I was expecting was to write this review, which would be Oh, look what city rich people can get. It's sublime. It's gorgeous. You'll never be there. And if you think 30 quid for your head is expensive, you don't know when you were born. What I didn't expect was that it would be mind numbingly gut wrenchingly awful in every way from the moment we were given my female companion to book the table. And she was given a many without the prices. And it all sort of went downhill from there.

And this kind of horrible preening service and these terrible food, which was built around ferrifications. If it moved, they spherified it, which is turn it into a gel ball. And there was this one particular I mean, everything was I was unpleasant and poorly executed and surly in service and all this. You know, maybe that's what I expected. I deserved. But anyway. And I knew that it was not going to be pretty. I wrote a very negative review describing in terms of in terms of cost and expectation, the worst experience that ever had. And that review went viral. So normally my reviews get read page views. You know, we have lots of metrics on the Guardian site as you know, I'm sure you know too well. Yeah, we have the O-fan system. I have

nightmares about O-fans sometimes. Yeah, it's a really heavy duty metric system when it governs our lives. Normally a good review of mine will get 150,000 page views. An average one will be about 75, 80,000. The review of La Sainte got 2.1 million spread across the globe. It made headlight. I mean, in France, every single paper, Figaro, La soire, Le Monde, they all wrote headlight, you know, front page pieces about this review, basically portraying me as a commie Brexiteer rich bashing scumbag, which is, you know, I'm hardly Trotsky, you know, I've told you about my corn base investment. I was just hateful. Why do you think it went so viral? I would be lying if I said that I didn't expect it. I knew exactly what I'd written. I mean,

the main reason it went viral, Riley, is because it was a work of shimmering genius. There's no other way to... No, I knew what I'd done. And I called up the editor, the then editor, my mate, Rory, and said, we need to get our social media tools lined up. We need a big spot on the front of the network. We need to know that we're going to put it on Facebook. We need to tweet, to... I knew it was going to go big, but the previous big one had been a restaurant called Beast, and that had gone to 600,000 page views. I didn't expect it to go triple, which is essentially what it did. I think there was an element of, we all love it when the French get a kicking. I later commented that I was hated in the entirety of France, but the rest of the

world rather approved. So better that way round. Yeah, what can I tell you? Everybody loves a stinking review, which is... I mean, without that, you wouldn't have a podcast score. After our review of J Rainer, this podcast is liked only in France. Is that it? Oh, that's good. So what... I kind of want to... There's something I could really want to sort of pull something out, but what was it about the food at Le Sainte that was so objectionable? You start with a price expectation point. So we're talking... Well, weirdly, the starters and main courses were all roughly the same spread, which was 75 euros to 140 euros a plate. And once you start putting that big price tag... Now, don't get me wrong.

I am happy to spunk up stupid money on food. I've done it. I'm happy to spunk up on food. I have spent ridiculous sums of my own money on food and not regretted it, but it does bring expectation. And I think one of the things that really made that review was after I review a restaurant, I book under a pseudonym that I'm coming, we don't take comps, so obviously they might recognize me when I turn up. I doubt they did at this place. But then after we've gone, I send a list of the dishes I had to our picture editor, and she will then dispatch a photographer. Or she'll contact them and say, we need to send a photographer in to take pictures of the dishes. Le Sainte refused.

It's happened once or twice. Usually it happens with scuzzy Chinese restaurants, because I have this thing about really filthy situant places. And then you try engaging with one of those and sending a national photographer. They're not interested. But with this one, they said, no, we will not let you photograph our food. And this is just for you or is that their policy for everyone? Well, I don't know. I haven't really checked with anybody else. This one to us. They said, no, you cannot photograph our food. Our food is too expensive for us to make it just for you to photograph. Why was that genius? However, we will send you press photographs. Now, great idea. The thing was, they sent us a particular dish, an onion dish,

which I'd also taken a photograph when it landed. In the review, I described it as a dark like nightmares and sticky like the floor of a teenager's party. And if you go on to my website, jrena.co.uk, on the news section, you will find all those pictures comparing and contrasting from the golden glowing amber hue of their version of this onion dish. And then the dark slough of despond, which was the one that actually arrived. And we put them side by side online. So going to LaSanc is basically like using Tinder. I don't know. You'll have to tell me about that. What's it like using Tinder? Well, it looks good. But then when you arrive, it's a lot stickier than you imagine.

But if it's got sticky, that would suggest to me that it's all gone off all right. No, we knew when we got Milo at 6am, we knew we'd be getting him at his sharpest, his quickest. It's how all like Fortune 500 CEOs wake up. No, I'm sure, of course. I've had my kale smoothie. I've done a 56 mile run and some some sort of meditation and I'm ready to go. I'll tell you this. I do know there is one person I know who works for some like weird, like vampiric billionaire who's like an American biotech guy who lives in like Barclay Square. And she was telling me in glowing terms about how this guy sort of wakes up and goes about his day. And she said, yeah, I admire him so much. He gets up. He doesn't even have breakfast. He just takes

like 13 vitamins. And then he repeats a line from a song to himself over and over again for an hour. My 18 year old son doesn't have breakfast and repeats a line of a song to himself 18 times. Is it limb biscuits rolling? That's what I do. Pretty much in my head. It's really hard to work out how many times he's repeated it to himself because the line is so repetitive. Oh, good. Excellent. Have you got a running order there, Riley? Yeah, this is this is the like mid 2000s like punk rock bit. And then we move on to some other stuff. There is some background here, which is that when I was, you know, asked on the show for the past three days, Riley's been sending me running orders. And I've been replying with whatever

just whatever this just a nerd. Yeah, stop it. I don't want to know. I just want to sit here. So I've got I've got a product here. Okay, I'm going to tell you the name of it. And as trash future listeners will know. And just from the name, I'd like you to kind of guess what it is that this is. Ahem. The implantorama. The implantorama. Yes. Well, that would be. Is it something that supplements fruit? Do you know what this is? Or no, no, right? No, none. I'm the only one who knows the only one who knows. Okay, I think it's like you get a bunch of different breast implants and you can have a different size breast like each day to day. Modular. It's really pretty.

Tonight. Tonight is a double D kind of day. So it's an implant. I could have is it an app that enables you to look at artificially engorged, but that's just Instagram. All right. Yeah. Sorry that exists. The implantorama. Yeah, I think it's a device for putting something into food stuff. That's what I think. I get you all. You have it a little bit backwards. You have it a little bit Abu Bakr out backwards. Is it something a way to like extract flavor from anything? I get you guys are so using the wrong direction here. Okay, so you take flavor and you create a thing out of it. You take other flavors. Actually, can I just point something out?

Whatever this thing does, its name is shit because we can't work out what it's for. Normally, you know, if somebody, if somebody says it's a computer, I want to work out. It's compute. It's an oven. It bakes. The implantorama is dead in the water. I mean, it sounds like you can do multiple things with it. Not really just one thing. It's not really a Rama. That's a very good point. Okay. Tell us. I'm gonna. I've got one more guess. Is it like Ted Cruz saying pornarini? This is actually just an implant, but has been said by Ted Cruz. It's Ted Cruz getting eye surgery. So he's got like augmented reality. So he's always got some poor Ted Cruz, regular senator.

Okay. Now there's the step two, which is I'm gonna. I'm gonna censor a descriptive sentence of this. We get a little more clues. This is like the worst game of Dungeons and Dragons. We came up with the design for the implantorama as a clean way to do coffee blank ozone water blank or nutrient blank flavoring. No, I'm losing the will to live here because I suspect whatever they're doing. I want no part of it. Trash into the podcast where J Rainer died. I mean, all of those things, they want to do things to coffee, but I'm sure unnecessary again. Well, yeah, I suppose if you're going to conceive of coffee is somehow sentine. Yes,

what they're planning on doing to it is entirely unnecessary. What's the second thing? Coffee blank ozone water blank or nutrient blower zone water compared to you. So what the hell is ozone water? Is that how we refer to water now that isn't raw water? Do they use ozone water? Ozone has what's the chemical symbol for Ozone? It's isn't it? Oh, just Oh, no. I mean, I was too cool in high school. I didn't pay attention. Milo, you were you were a nerd. You should be Google things. When I was when I was studying the ozone water, you were going on dates with girls, and now you have the audacity to ask me for help.

No, I don't know what it is. What's chemicals? Tweet to the trash future pot account. Tell us what ozone is. Tweet at J Rainer one. Tell him what ozone is. I know what ozone is. I don't know what ozone water is. You're about to get a lot of socialists telling you what ozone is. Okay, is it like some sort? I mean, we know we all know what sort of the ozone is, but all I can think of is like I was some info wars. I mean, it is kind of info wars, but like a liberal info wars. Okay, clean way. So there's a dirty way to do this to ozone water and coffee and nutrients. Throw it away. Honestly, Riley, okay, I said more of this reveal because I am going to this is that I'm going. I'm going to read you the uncensored version of that sentence right now.

We came up with the design for the implantorama as a clean way to do coffee enemas ozone water enemas or no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There is no clean way to do an animal and the animal is a tube up your rectum and the idea of a clean way to I mean, the animal is the thing that's meant to get you clean if that's really what you want. This is just not even wrong. It's just ill thought out. I'd love to know whether they're going around trying to get venture capital. Yes, they are. Would you like to and here is guys. Derek, he's not very good with the software, but he's brilliant at demonstrating our product. Who's pumping coffee up their asses? Do you know who's pumping coffee at their asses? Gwyneth Paltrow, a she always my queen. Yes, the implant

with pumping out her own ass. She's turned her attention to other people. So she's steaming her funny on one end and giving herself a coffee on the other. Gwyneth Paltrow is very he didn't consciously disconnect. He was just spat out. I mean, I'm couple conscious uncoupling. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. I keep burning my dick. Do you ever think that like the Silicon Valley health trends are getting closer and closer to just inventing the human sense? It's what you're reading. Is that a product pitch? I they're trying to I am literally reading from implantorama.com, which is just it which is basically gone into paroxysms of happiness. I'm so excited. We're excited for the memes that don't don't talk to me until I've had my coffee

animal. Hang on. There is another question we have to ask Riley. Riley, how did you find this product? What were you googling at the time? I mean, I yeah, I keep up with Gwyneth Paltrow's goop. Oh, I see because it's it's the gift that keeps on giving Riley just wanted to be real clean. Guys, full disclosure, I did get my vagina steamed when I was visiting South Korea. It took 45 minutes, which is like 44 minutes longer than you wanted. Was it while you wait or could you come back? One hour of vagina steam. I got my crack pipe from Goop the other day. Goop does in South Korea. It's originally like an like an ancient Korean thing that they used to do and then Gwyneth Paltrow just put her name on it.

It's outrageous. I'm sorry. It's cultural appropriation is what it is. Of course, it's ancient because people stopped doing it when they realized it was fucking stupid. Hey, don't make fun of my culture. I will very happily. That's your job. Is that I'll very I'll very happily use Vienna. Of course, Vienna. It'll be very, it'll be very, it'll be very efficient and it will mean that I can do more businessman things like go for 56 mile runs and only baby water. I'm just excited to go into Starbucks when they'll be asking you like, okay, do you want that tall, grand, a venti or anal tube? Which end do you want it? Wait, but what makes it clean? I am just going to that. No, looks like an absent bottle. Okay,

normal enema bags from the drugstore cost ten to twenty dollars and just removing them from the plastic packaging releases toxic fumes. That is a problem. I'm so sorry. I mean, you were sent a running order. I don't I look. I glanced. There was no reference to enemas. The pump attached to the implant to Rama, I can't get over the name, allows the liquid to be pushed in with a small amount of force delivering liquid to higher areas in the colon. Please stop. This is we're close to entries for the Darwin prize. You just hope lots of people use it, puncture their colons, die of sepsis. And that will remove them from the, you know, from the gene pool. And that will be a marvelous thing. Oh, I mean, enema deaths.

Clean enema deaths. Personally, I'm very excited for a series of sharp pops to be heard all over California as like, you know, health conscious rich people just explode. Did you see the story yesterday? I was wondering what that noise was actually. Did you see the story yesterday on Twitter moments, which is when I'm really bored about the man who blew a hole in his throat by trying to stifle a sneeze? That's the kind of thing you're told us an apocryphal story at school about the javelin throwing kid who got the javelin through the heart and all that. And it always happened two years before you arrived at the school. So now on Twitter moments, there's the story of a man who blows a hole in his his own throat by stifling a sneeze and has to be fed

through a feeding tube. And I'm telling you that to take your mind off the coffee. Well, his life is saved now. He doesn't have to use for cheap anymore. We'll just come through if you have a wife. Of course. Oh, like tampons. Anyone in college? Well, you just put vodka soak tampons up your butt. No enters the bloodstream faster does it? Yeah, and doesn't your breath doesn't smell. This is where Olga betrays her Russian livid. Yeah, I might say which point in college were you not allowed to drink vodka and had to resort to the well. But the drinking agent in America is twenty one and I was like eighteen and nineteen. So you're just I I've never actually done it. You just heard. All right, all right, all the kids are

analyzing technology came in. Russian lawyer drivers used to give themselves vodka do shit so they could be drunk, but it wouldn't show up on a breathalyzer. Can I buy one on Goop? Well, I'm probably the next new thing. No, certainly you can because I think Goop is essentially something for like puritanical rich people who just really, really are desperate to be special. Can I rant about wellness? Yes, please. Oh, I wish you were just it's such utter bollocks. It is the it is the medicalization of just being a normal human being and it is propounded by a bunch of entitled, privileged girls with glossy hair and men with six packs who are trying to make their own right here. They're trying to make their peer group

worry about, you know, the the Hemsley's I could never tire of shouting at them for what they've done. Melissa and what's her name? The Hemsley sisters. Oh, the owner. No, not Leona. She was the one who stole tax from what are they called Melissa and there's another one. They bang on about clean eating and eastern mysticism and crystals. That's a bit of crystal. But it's basically putting a moral aspect onto eating and the kind of person that you are. I'm just really trying to see what I put in my body. I'm just trying to eat clean and pure. Really clean eating is is something I've been wanting to talk about for a while. Can I also say that I do have I do have the same similar feelings possibly not quite secure, but similar feelings about dirty eating

as well. So when someone goes, oh, it's really dirty for you, go stop it. It's just a bloody hamburger. It's not dirty. It's not clean. This is why I only tied pods not taking any chances. That's like the purest form of clean eating, right? Tied pods. Yeah, exactly. It's like a new meme that people are obsessed with tied. Yeah, like teens are eating tied pods and like everyone's freaking out about it. It's like the detergent little packets. We call for the watching machine. It's personal tablets here. And why would you eat these? Because you're a teenager who's born in middle of America, I guess. It's better than opioids. Well, I'm not sure it is because that level of detergent will probably do some real

damage. Whereas one, you know, one use of opioids is what I was fine. Trash featured a pro-opioid podcast. Hell yeah. This is very good. I say we take a bunch of opioids and do a J Rainer episode. So because you're all from somewhere else or too young, where you won't know, is my mother was very, very well known in this country. She was an agony answer, wrote a problem page, was sex advice columnist. And she took her job very seriously. She's gone now, but she had a whole selection of box files in her office. So you'd have A for anxiety and, you know, P for premature ejaculation. She had N. N was for narcotics.

And this was a brilliant box file because she would be getting all the academic health journals. And before I'd, I've kicked everything, I've kicked everything years ago. But before, when I was, you know, each new narcotic came into the area, I would sit down, I'd read the literature, the peer reviewed literature of the effect. I remember I was told that there was there was some opium floating around in Northwest London, where I lived. And I took it down, I read it through and it said that the main side effect beyond obviously addiction and death, the main side effect, it was temporary male impotency. And I thought, I'm a fat 16 year old boy, I'm not getting any anyway. So it's not really an issue. So I smoked the opium and it was

quite dull. Anyway, there you go. I shared that with you. That that's that's the nerdiest drug taking story I've ever heard. I nevertheless enjoyed it was male impotence. Basically, many were going to get you know, if you if you smoked opium, you were probably going to find it quite hard to maintain an erection should the opportunity come in. If you could keep a boner when he was 16, I mean, I was thinking the chance of me being able to offer one to anybody is so vanishingly small. This should not stop me trying the opium. So as my offer you is voluntarily sell a book for reasons of strength. Is it still floating around? And if so, like, where can I have no one? No, honestly, I did far too many magic mushrooms in my first time at

university in 1984 and and haven't touched any narcotics since then. So I wouldn't know where to get anything. Oh, that was the end. That was the absolute end. I my my drug taking career went from late when I was 13 to when I was 18. That's a shame. So no, I can't I can't score you any opium if that's what you're asking. What if it's in a jelly? Can I point out where the can we look? We're looking out over, you know, shoreditch. You could you could probably go downstairs, stand on the street and stop the third person going past. Got any drugs? They'll help you out. Wait, what if it's an opioid in a Jell-O ball? It's not Jell-O. What a jelly ball. Spherified opium. Spherified opium. I actually only give myself opium elements. God, they would be

oh, an opium enema that would hit you between the eyes. Well, what they're quite somewhere else actually. It's important. Well, there there is. I think it is worth giving the sort of clean eating madness. It's sort of moment in the trash future sun because it is it is completely stupid. It is utterly class based. It's about control. If you're a young person and you are you are feeling powerless economically or you can't move out your parents house or you hate your friends or whatever. What one thing can you do to take control of yourself, which is you can become a you know, take control of your body in some way. However foolishly or stupidly it's done. And that's what it does. And that's what really

retakes me about it is that it preys on insecurities of, you know, people who are thinking, this is how I can be a good person. Well, this is also taps in like when when body shaming, like it masquerades around as like concern for your health when you're like, you're fat. And it's like, oh, no, but I'm just concerned. I'm concerned for your for your health. But no, you're not really. You're just making a person feel shit about themselves. So it's a way to make people but it's similar in that it's making it's making people feel bad about themselves. I wanted to get your thoughts like, do you think like the new kind of vegan rush that's sort of happening? No, that's a different thing. I mean, there are two things going on. One is yes,

there's a whole kind of healthy thing going on. But the other one is a genuine question mark being raised over eating animals. Not a problem for me. I'm still very comfortably eating lots of animals. But you know, there is a sense to eat too much meat. We've got to cut down and I mean, it's not a bad thing. What I find is that like, because I get I get that and I know like Jonathan Safran Foes, but kind of talks a bit about that. That's a really annoying. I felt that it was sort of like at least kind of trying to kind of get there. But what I find with a lot of the kind of young people kind of going vegan at the moment is that it is kind of feeds into a whole like lifestyle thing, right? It does. But you know, we've all we've all made lifestyle

decisions along the line. There are some which are more irritating than others. My only real issue with veganism is where the food that's being offered or talked about is described as good in spite of not having meat in it rather than because of it by which I mean, when they start going for the meat substitutes. Well, you know, a Linda McCartney sausage is not a sausage. It's desperation. If you want to make a massacre, a sheep is going to have to die. You should go. You know, there are whole culinary traditions, South Indian traditions, Japan, where it happens not to involve animal products, not because somebody said, let's not kill the animals, because that's just the way they ate. And those dishes are perfect in and of themselves.

There is nothing with a pulse that will improve, you know, a perfect white risotto. Well, there is a kind of there are a couple of sort of I say, I guess you could say sort of more orthorexic sort of clean eating products that I have found. One of them has gotten some play in the podcast space before, but I think we'd be remiss not to talk about it, which is raw water. What's your I drink, baby? Oh, you know, what drives me nuts about this is this, the enlightenment of the 18th century created a modern world which understood that humanity had power to improve their lot and make things make the world a better place. And then you've got some fuck with body odor in California is, you know, and I'm not talking about

my who has got it into their head that there is something unnatural about purifying water. You dick, you utter, utter dick. If you go, we are not far up here from the place in Soho, where they worked out that cholera was spread from unfiltered unpurified water by locking down the pumps on the corner of Broadwick Street. I forgot his name. John Snow. John Snow. Yeah. And, you know, people have died in their millions because of unpurified water. And then some bourgeois knob thinks that's a waste of time. Well, it's like the raw milk thing. I have. Yeah, I have an article on that up for next. That one. The thing is, once you've already got a tube hanging out of your ass, the raw milk thing drives me nuts as well. So the idea is that

Louis Pasteur was a health and safety nut. No, he wasn't. Again, he saved millions, if not billions of lives because people used to die of, you know, bacillus infections carried on milk. And the pasteurization of milk is not something designed to ruin your life and ruin the nutrients. And frankly, unless you're massively impoverished, you've got rickets anyway. So stop banging on about being undernourished because of the milk you're drinking. Sorry. I think it was in some southern US state. I think it might have been Texas where they some like right wing senators campaigned to legalize like unpasteurized milk and they successfully did it in the state and they did this press conference where they all like drank a glass of unfiltered milk and then

we're all like immediately sick. I love that. It was so good. Wait, who was that Balkan guy who took poison? Oh, um, yeah. It was actually into homeopathy and he just got the dosage on. If you take it up his arse, however, would have been fine. I think it would have taken him out a bit quicker. Anyway, yeah. What was his name? There's a lot of people in the food world that I move in who think raw milk is a marvellous, marvellous thing. Why do you think they think that? It's a an anti modernist, anti corporatist position which says our food system has been polluted by massive corporations and we have got away from nature, which is a misunderstanding of what agriculture has been for the past 5000 years. You know, we are not human in spite of

agriculture. We're human because of agriculture and almost every single food stuff that we eat is in some way processed. So people go, Oh, I hate I hate processed food. What? So you hate cheese because that's processed milk. You hate bread because that's processed wheat. Process the way that we have taken on the ingredients that we found out in the world and pummeled them until we found them palatable is what we have been doing for the whole of human history. And now we get to the, you know, the first years of the 21st century and a bunch of knuckled, dragging, scientifically illiterate, pavement-licking arseholes are suddenly claiming, Oh, we must go back to nature. Well, go back and try living on a blasted heat and see how long you live. I, I actually only lick on

processed pavement. What I love is that he waited for my little break. He'd been thinking about it for a long time. I reckon I can get this gag in. Well done, Milo. Welcome to my life as a community. Jay Rayner certification. But it's such an easy narrative to sell, right? Like going back to nature. It's such a sexy thing to believe. But only rich people are really able to do it safely because ultimately, I mean, if some if you're some, you know, just to clarify what raw water is, it is water that hasn't been purified or chemically treated or whatever in any way. It's, you know, it's really it's nicely flavored by all of the shit that's passed through it, and none of that flavor is filtered out. You know, it's you really you want water. You can cut with

a knife and it's these. This water tastes coffee and opium. The thing is if they get a water-borne disease, then they'll just they can the two things will happen. Number one, they'll be going to be able to get like private medical insurance because the only people drinking it because it's forty dollars a gallon are Silicon Valley billionaires or like just rich dipshits and two is that they'll just believe that the cholera is flushing all of the toxins out of their body. Sometimes I'm a headbanging atheist, but sometimes I think it's a shame we killed God because religion gave us a bunch of generally benign things if you did it in a kind of moderate way to believe in, but now that we've killed God and we can't, you know, do believing in God anymore, you have to

believe in raw water. I mean, there is something about it. There is like that sort of faith and weird material at like as a result of, you know, you know, you need stuff to believe in so you kind of invest in like lifestyles and within like the food space, that's a really it's an easy way to craft those types of lifestyles. And it's also a really profitable way of doing that if you look at like cookbooks or, you know, lifestyle books and wellness apps and everything this whole growth. And at the core of it is really people wanting to believe in something at least bigger than themselves, whether that's like a community or a type of way of living. And it sort of feels as if like, you know, raw water is like one of these really stupid and ridiculous extremes of that.

I guess things that are accepted now, and I guess they fall into the wellness thing, I sort of wonder, are some of the stuff that we sort of accept, how dangerous will they be in like for long term? Well, my hope is that the real practitioners will all die quite swiftly. And that'll be that. Yeah. Yeah. And they'll be dead. And I mean, obviously it would be wrong to wish people ill. But I do. Because I think only if there's a real outbreak of waterborne illness among, you know, tech billionaires, the unvaccinated. Yeah. Will this stupidity come to an end? Is there anybody dying around your way, Milo? Because I believe that's where you're living, isn't it? Not that I've not even noticed the people the people

in California seem to be like sickeningly happy and healthy in a way that's made me realise why people live here. I've lived most of my life in either London or Moscow, and they're just both full of like depressed, decrepit people. And there's not really a joke there. He's going to come back to a lot of Goop merch. Are they holding you hostage? Are you reading off of cars? Yeah. Send us proof of life. Send us proof of sarcasm and irony. You are older asked earlier, why does Milo have the Z at the end of his name? The Z is for Zuckerberg. He's holding him hostage. He's going to come back with just like the red. Do I have a Z at the end of my name? On Slack, because we were asleep.

So I want to switch on to another kind of raw liquid, raw milk a little bit, which we we teased. We just talked about it. We totally deserve it. It's true. Well, I really only want to read the one reason because largely because because I because I think everybody will know because I think it will sort of enrage everybody. And then I'm going to switch to a restaurant thing. Reason number one to drink raw milk raw milk and the scientific by the way raw milk is a living food, which is I thought we invented cooking to deal with that. Unlike pasteurized and ultra high temperature pasteurized milk, which is you know safe to drink and can be shipped widely and so on raw milk is a living food. Several of milk's natural components,

including beneficial bacteria, food enzymes, natural vitamins and meal globulins are heat sensitive and essentially that we lose all of those good infectious diseases when we boil milk. Now I'm looking forward to when the the fad the fad comes in for people just taking a bite out of a live cow because it's like it's raw. It's like living food ultra rabbi ultra steak. Yeah. Yeah, that's the good stuff. It is just a way to make it feel. I think it's a way to make it feel more exclusive to make it feel like you've internalized the betterment of yourself. I've got a story actually a few years ago. I used to do a thing on a program called the one show you'll never have watched. You're not the demographic. I used to do VT's for that. Who is the demographic? That's

the internal question with the one. They all live in Doncaster. And I've literally just left the show officially left the show after nine years. But they came to me once and said, we'd love to do a film about raw milk. And I said, no, it's rubbish. It's cobblers. It's just anti scientific. It's just awful, brain dead stuff. And they said, well, we can we can do, you know, we'll get somebody else on to put the other side of the argument. We can we can have BBC balance as it was not balanced just to have somebody who's wrong. You know, that's not balanced. That's just stupidity. And I won't do it. I won't give them the benefit of the BBC's airtime to talk for half of that film about why it's good when I know that it's rubbish. We didn't make the film. Yeah, that's my way of

trying to stop you talking about it. It's not a 5050 issue. And that would make it look like a 5050 issue. I mean, it's like one of the there was who was who did the climate change thing where they had two sides and then they had the 99. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's that's like the form that so many BBC debates have taken now on TV and radio. Well, they have some position where one side of the argument is clearly mad. And therefore they can't find anyone sensible to put it. So you've got like, okay, here is like academic X who has like facts and figures to support their world reasoned opinion. And here is man who says everything is bollocks. And then sort of the person says like, Oh, yeah, well, actually, if you read, you know, these so and so studies, you'll find

that actually the economic consequences of a four day week could be quite beneficial. And the second one goes, No, that's bollocks. We're tired of experts for that half an hour. It just it just it does seem like it's it's this it's one of these things, right? You're still intent on reading on the raw milk page. Oh, no, I'm not. No, I'm just I'm intent on saying I think why I think it's ridiculous, which is that it's it's one of these things that sort of almost feels intuitively right. But I think really is just people expressing their discomfort. You know, they might have some discomfort with our food system. But you know, but I think there's this sort of elite reaction to it, which is we have to get more expensive and more natural and more

exclusive and let the proles have the processed food. We're going to have the good stuff. We're going to restrict the nature of ourselves, which owns dinner off Mike. I am slowly hiding the champagne flutes full of raw milk that I've prepared for. They have the raw milk enemies. Oh God. That would be a terrible substance for an enema. I mean even worse than coffee name a substance and it's a terrible substance for an enema. I'm 82 more low. Well, it depends what you want to do after the enema. Our new podcast, Things We Would Enema. What's an enema?

You know, my the first enema, Enema, Enema. My friend of the show. The first album I was ever purchased by parents who'd really didn't know what they were buying was Blink 182's Enema of the State. Public Enema. I still no, I think the name of their actual album title had like such bangers as What's My Age Again and others. Your regular age or your chef? What's my age again? Great disease. There's a hole in my colon and I can't remember. I have to say this isn't the way I expected this. What did you expect?

What did you expect? I don't know. It probably would have helped if I'd listened to more than 10 minutes of Umbark going on about his shed. You know his real name, but you refuse to say it. What is his real name? Uba. Uba. Well, you know, that's just showing off, isn't it?

You're naming him like a handsome son. I was really, really impu... Can we talk about this? Yeah. I've got to get this off my chest. Rate of response. Oh, no, no. Here's what happened. I got an email saying the shed, Dalic, named London's number one restaurant on TripAdvisor. And my hatred for TripAdvisor blinded me to everything for three and a half minutes.

And I was just wanting to rage at these people and say, you stupid bastard, you think that counts for anything or you've opened your restaurant. But there was a little bell going on in my head which was saying, except you only live a mile away from where this is. You've never heard of this place. So I then went online and the penny dropped when I got to the thing about vegan clans. And I worked out that the whole thing was a pistachio, very nicely done, the whole mood generator thing.

And then I said, the tweet that I put out on that morning said something like a last a mood based restaurant. Without doubt, this is the best shed based eating experience in London after my own, because I have a very nice shed. And then put the link. When the whole thing blew up, four national newspapers said I'd been taken in by this. All I'd been trying to do was not blow the gaff for them. And I think it was pretty clear.

And if you go back to that original tweet, you will see people underneath going, right, oh yeah, I get it. And that they've seen it. But not the Daily Mail or the Sun or the Telegraph or the Express. Wait, the Daily Mail, the Sun, the Telegraph and the Express? Known Genius is the British, British newspaper industry. I'm pretty sure like Dan Hodges went into his own shed and tried to see if a restaurant had been covertly started in there.

It would be a reasonable experiment. Well, anyway, so like the tabloid press, this is a balanced podcast where we first had Uber and now we have Jay. And I saw what it was. What went on here. Is that really his name? I mean, look, if you're going to call him Umba, because that feels Umba. I think that it's a good way to clear all, you know, confusion

and misdirection on a very obscure left-wing podcast. That's largely based on bodily fluids. I love the way you keep describing yourself as a left-wing podcast. Yeah. You're not very left-wing. Wow. Oh my God. Shit, that's right to my heart.

That's on you. You're not exactly kind of trumping behind the flag, are you? You're big on the brands. You're big on the consumer items. You haven't seen Riley's house, have you? No, that's true. Is it covered with the international blaring from speaking to you?

No. No, it's like the most bougie place. It's sponsored by Supreme. Is it? It's the most bougie place you've ever been to. And like if you came to his house, he would have given you the most ridiculous cheese. Honestly, I'm just trying to... As you know, to be fair, it's not more bougie than Olga's flat.

Olga definitely lives in the most bougie place. We're here now. We're in it. No, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying actually you wouldn't be shocked at how bougie Riley's flat is. Oh yeah, that's true. Currently in Olga's flat. Jay, how do you know about my scientist Barbie with a strap on?

Can you get the strap on accessory at Hamlet's? My flatmate made it out of Play-Doh. Really? Surely that's too soft to be used as a strap on. This is the future of the Liberals one. Unless you're pegging Wallace or Gourmet. Because Ken's just not doing it for Barbie anymore. And fair enough.

Ken famously smooth like a Ken doll. I mean, it sort of just looks like every man on light. Of course. What they're thinking about while they're posting. But she's resting in a Toby jug. And I'm trying to work out who that is meant to be. What's Toby Young? So I bought it.

I've known him for a while. Oh yeah? Oh, very long time. But what are her baps like? That's the real question. I think objectifying Barbie when she's clearly indicated the same sex orientation is missing the point. Yeah, Milo.

If she didn't have the strap on, it would be fine. Oh no, I've pegged men. Good. Many? A couple. But can I point something out? Not with something that size. That's true. The point of pegging is it's got to be quite,

you know, you're not just, look, Barbie's, Ken would know that was there. That's the thickness of my forearm. If you've been pegging anybody with something the thickness of my forearm, that is a salt. Wow. You heard it here first, folks. Well, Jay, if you've got a better way of getting coffee

into someone's rectum, I'd like to hear it. This is very, this is very good. This is exactly how I expected it to go. Perfect. All right, guys, you guys, do you guys want to do one more segment or we have time? You have time for one more or you want to, you want to be making, making tracks? Before we, before we end off, I know we've,

we've talked about a lot of food, but we, I want to get back into the restaurant topic, which is, I would say like, there are lots of sort of restaurants and eating a salad, whatever, springing up around London, the world, whatever, that try to sort of generate some exclusivity by jumping through ludicrous and unnecessary hoops. And the one that leaves to mind from an article you wrote

was a pizzeria that imports Italian seawater, as though Italian seawater is different from normal seawater. On the one hand, if you look at a restaurant and break it down as to what it is, it's a service industry that also adds value. So they take ingredients and they add value to them. And the logical extension is they're going to add value by doing stupid things.

It's sort of stupid in its own, in its own concept. But there are just limits to it, aren't there? Yeah. There are things you go, really? Could you not make salt water at home with water and salt? But what's more depressing is that there are some people who will then go along and say, that's great. As if it does more than add value

and makes them a better person because they went to that pizzeria. On the other hand, I suppose I ought to point out that if it wasn't for those people, I probably wouldn't have a child. So what do they use the seawater for in a pizzeria? The dough. There's no comedy in that. I don't know.

There's no comedy in that at all. That's just informative. That's just informative. The dough. So flour, water, bit of salt. As it's an unleavened bread, the salt doesn't rooftop the yeast, so you need a bit of salt in there.

It makes it slightly chewier. Interesting. Chewy. This is now a baking podcast. I mean, I only like my pizzas made with raw water, actually. I find it's much healthier. Well, possibly putting them through the oven will, you know, 400 degrees is the only way to consume raw water.

Yeah, that's true. That's the only way to make, that's the only way to save the tech industry is we have to bake baked water, home baked. I like the smoky taste that comes with the residue plastic of used condoms and raw water. Yeah. You've got to get in there fast

before Bitcoin accelerates global warming and pasteurizes the seeds. Oh, damn, but I've sold all my Bitcoin. The one thing to say is that all stupid frifferies will fall by the wayside in the next six months. I've started a new, I have a news bite section down the side of my column, which you started reading a couple of months ago.

And I've included an element called closure watch now. So every week there's new closures. Everything's going to the wall. It's all, it's blood in the ice buckets out there. It's hell, man. Oh, shit. Yeah. So what do you think like the restaurant,

what do you, how do you think like restaurants in London, what's it going to look like in the next kind of five years? I think we'll see. Or even 10 years. Well, the doughnut effect will continue. In other words, you get a concentration in the center of really spendy places that only oligarchs and kleptocrats can afford.

And the ones you actually want to go to are all out on the, I mean, not Dartford, obviously, but. Are you all right, actually? You are completely right. But, you know, out to Peckham, Hackney in one direction, Peckham in another direction, Chiswick in the other direction. So that it's what's happened in New York already. If you want to go for dinner, you go to Brooklyn.

Yeah. Don't really stay in Manhattan unless somebody else is paying. So what, what do you, what do you, what's your take on my favorite restaurant in the entire world, Silk Road in Camberwell? Silk Road is marvelous. Yeah. Fucking fantastic. I don't, I'm not sure I necessarily make it my favorite restaurant in that,

although I don't have one of those because, you know, it depends on mood, but anybody who hasn't been there, they're big pot chicken. Yeah. So they give you a big, have you forced you? No, I haven't gone independently. You guys want to go tonight? The thing I have a gig, sorry. The thing I love about it is when they come and they pour the,

the big rib and noodles in at the end. Yes. And that's, you know, so that it's a big, it's dewy chicken thing, chicken on the bone. It's actually, you have to, the area of China that it comes from is practically into the, the far Asian side. So it's kind of Chinese. From Orimchi. It's like, it's like if, if like Iranian food and Chinese, yeah.

If like Iranian food and Chinese food had a delicious baby. Yeah. So if they, I'm sure they do serve rice, but actually it's a weak growing area. Oh yeah. Hence the big rib and noodles and the breads and the bread based dumplings and the bow. They're really good. You should all go there. So I guess that's the, that's the official trash future recommendation is don't go to Le Sang in Paris.

Go to Silk Road. Go to Silk Road. That's fine. I can, I can do with that. Hell yeah. Jay, is there anything you want to, want to plug? Yeah. Everything.

So I have a sideline as a jazz musician. That's both warning and information. So if you like jazz, you can go to my website, jayreiner.co.uk. I have my live shows page there. I also do sort of one man shows all over the country. So basically I want you all to go to the live shows page, book something and make me rich. Hell yeah. So we can buy more crypto currency.

Can we pay for your shows in crypto kissy? Oh, that'd be good. Yeah. Be good. Um, yeah. So yeah, I'd say Jay, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for having me. It's been a genuine pleasure.

Thank you. Thank you. When does it? Yeah. This will come out on Monday. All right. And our theme song is here we go by Jin Sang. You can find him on Spotify and all of his music is very good.

All right. I'm personally just very confident that when this trash future podcast collapses in about six months, we will get a small line in the bottom of Jay Rainer's song somewhere in newspaper closed this week. Dear friends lost to raw water. Yeah. Later.