TRASHFUTURE - Hard Left Takeover!: Tipping, Amazon Subsluts, and MORE RUSSIA ft. ReelPolitik

Episode Date: November 29, 2017

Jack (@coplandresident) and Laura (@thisgeordielass) from Reel Politik (@reelpolitcast) "tighten their control" over the TRASHFUTURE airwaves, having an EXTREMELY late night and not-very-lucid call with Riley (@raaleh) and Milo (@milo_edwards). We talk about the cryptocurrency boom and the company described as "uber for buses using blockchain to disrupt tipping" (lol), have general Russia banter, and then cities ritually humiliating themselves for Amazon to come rim their house prices. We also have some very timely Mark Thatcher takes. Like and follow and subscribe! Love, Riley xoxo

Mr Corbyn said how much he admired Prince Harry and his brother for their work on mental health. But the BBC News subtitle showed him as saying, Prince Harry and Hezbollah. Sorry, I was just skimming through and I saw the word Hezbollah and I was like, how the fuck have they managed to work Hezbollah? How they shoo on this? It's even better than when BBC subtitles used to regularly refer to Ed Miliband as the Ed Miliband.

That was that was the thing they had going on on a BBC subtitles for a while. What really irks me is that we're not is I read we're like, we're gonna there's gonna be probably some sort of major tax fund taxpayer funded bill for this wedding or even getting a fucking bank holiday out of it. At this point, I don't know, maybe I'd rather was marrying Hezbollah. Well, that's actually who Meghan Markle got divorced from was the Taliban, which is why this wedding is so controversial. Prince Harry has defected to ISIS by marriage.

That would be the headline of the year. Look, I think surely this is the only way to unite our warring houses. But yeah, I should the French princess of ISIS. So guys, I, I found some really odious shit recently. Can I interest? We should we should we formally begin the podcast first? Oh, really? Oh, really?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tell me about the tribute porn first. No, I have no, I have no porn news today. I'm sorry. What? Oh, no, I didn't come on this show for no good. Well, you're not at all. I guess now I come on here to learn about fascinating new types of pornography.

I'd otherwise only hear about from Faraj's fucked face. That's the man. I was followed by a porn related bot recently. I mean, you do about porn quite a lot. A porn related like not just a porn bot. Like she also operates in other spheres, but primarily. No, the bot, the bot is Japanese adult video titles. It's the titles.

Yeah, it's just it's a bot that just leaves out the titles of various like Japanese porn title videos. It doubles as a very specific translation service. Hey, guys, sorry, I'm just going to pour my milk on Mike to own the libs somewhere. Tim Farron is wincing. There we go. Got it. Got it all out of the carton.

Okay. Oh, that's what that's what actually they call it when the Lib Dems finally get defeated as a party. We're pouring all the milk out of the carton, squeezing out the dregs already curdled. They seem like nice people. You're a lot more forgiving of the Lib Dems, I think. Yeah, I think I think they their hearts are in the right place. You know, I don't really I don't go in for the tribalism.

I just unfortunate that place is in a coalition with a conservative party. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really do go in for the tribalism quite quite. They were that that impression was was gained. That is the nature of the heart left. Of course, we know that the heart left famously cannot tolerate any dissent. And they want to tighten their control.

They want to sign moderate voices. Yeah. Oh, man, you know what's going to happen is like at one point there's like like Britain's version of of of Les Mis is going to happen. But instead of, you know, the the songs of angry man, it's just going to be it's just going to be people saying to one another, who are the heart of who are the heart? Who are who are who are the left? It's just Chris Leslie's mentions on any good day now.

Hey, shall we shall we introduce ourselves? Then I'll introduce Japanese video title. Then we'll go into talking about some truly heinous technology shit. Yeah, nice. The last seven days have been real bad. Anyway, I can say that this is a trash future, real politic mashup, the second in in a little while. And it's the podcast for how the future is trash.

And as you've heard a few times, a podcast about how the heart left cannot famously cannot tolerate dissent. My name is Riley Quinn. You can find me on Twitter at Rala, R-A-L-E-H. I know I made a mistake with the handle. Who else I got here? Introduce yourself, however you please. My name is Milo Edwards.

You can find me on Twitter at Milo underscore Edwards and Instagram at the same. I am a Russian subversive element. Russia. Always Russia, always. That is the nature of the heart left. Always. And who's here from the heart left?

The heart left. Danny Dyer's hardest left. Where Danny Dyer meets members of the Mentum and shits himself. My next one, it's definitely going to be I find a movie called the heart left. They say they got a fucking deselect me, son. I'm fucking shitting my pants. Is that a Japanese adult video title?

Like who are who are the hard cocks Chris? Sam. So Miss Mystery, Mystery Commies, who are you guys? I'm I'm Jack. I am one of the hosts of a real politic podcast, one of the original trio. And I'm joined by my friends. I'm Laura.

I am at this Geordie lass on Twitter. And I'm also just a raging communist. What's your what's your screen name on Twitter currently, Laura? Oh, I don't even know. What is it? What? Oh, shit. What did I change it to? Oh, it's like twice a day in mortal. Because I was I was sending out loads of links

of sort of like new monkey songs that I listen to as a child, because we listen to a bit of rogue music when I was a kid. We should that's like that's like Geordie rap, isn't it? It is essentially it's like it's like Geordie rap over like quite hard techno stuff in the background. That is the hard tech. No, I can't. Yeah, it's really good. MC bouncing Metro Mission,

honestly, one of my favorite songs ever to have existed. But Jack couldn't remember the words MC bouncing. And he sort of tried to add libber and make up on the spot. And he came up with MC fucking more or the MC fucking mortal. The most nihilist of all the MCs who acknowledge is his own fleeting time on this earth. I love in the middle of an intense to live life to the full by telling people that their mothers are sluts. In the middle of his song, he just randomly goes like fuck off.

And maybe maybe he's saying that to like mortality itself. Saying that to death. Yeah, to the grim reaper. Fuck off, but there is no afterlife. God is dead and I beat the fuck out of him. Speaking of I beat the fuck off of him at Bitcoin. But Jack off.

Another Japanese. Another Japanese adult video title. Can we please make a cartoon called Bo Jack off horse? Cyborg is a webster. I don't care how much money it costs. Well, I'm finally I'm finally getting in. I think it might be finally time to get in on this Bitcoin investment craze. You know, I want to do it before the price goes up too high.

I have bought the bitcoins. What what is the bitcoins? I do know what Bitcoin is. Don't try to explain it. It's like a it's like a regular coin, but people only understand that a bit. But nevertheless, they talk about it. A lot of fucking time. I mean, I was saying I was saying to Jack before she recording,

I was like the fact that it's gone over ten thousand dollars today and it was at like eight dollars this time last year. It suggests to me that like in future history textbooks, if there are any, this is going to be one of the like three bullet points. It explains something terrifying. I know a guy who he's like invested loads of money in crypto currencies and clearly knows nothing about investing money in crypto currencies because no one does.

But first of all, yeah. And then the other day when like that, one of them, I think it was Ethereum had some like huge price crash. He like up he took a screen shot of his like iPhone, like whether stocks tracking up and post it face it was like, what the fuck is this? And I was like, well, I didn't actually say anything. Obviously, because I'm not a convertible, so well, you know, that looks like that looks like wild fluctuation in price

in a famously unstable and devoid of inherent value products. Like, what is so surprising? You like how little research did you do? So like from from my understanding, like from what when I've encountered it in the course of my life, but my understanding is that the bitcoins are basically a thing for like buying drugs on the Internet. Yeah, buying new tropics on the deep web.

Yeah, like what if you want to get Brainforce Plus, so you can have a really crazy night out? Yeah, I don't know. Could I like fucking buy a book with them or something? Like because it seems drugs are the main thing. But there's a there are bars in London. I could buy a book of nuclear child prostitutes. You could probably get a talk on it.

Doing a huge line of Brainforce Plus, then ordering a nuclear child prostitute online. I love the benefit of the environment than a diesel car for a prostitute. Absolutely tweet that on the trash richer account. Oh, yeah. Because Laura mentioned the anarchist cookbook. Like I love I love that guardian.

No, I didn't. Didn't you? No. Oh, no, sorry. That was just I don't know what I don't know what police are listening to this. That that was that's the anarchist cookbook. Sorry, sorry. That wasn't you.

That was famous anarchism aficionado Ian Dunn's. But what what what what Mr. Brexit himself Dunty said on this here podcast was, you know, it's something about the anarchist cookbook. I love that guardian article that came out a couple of years ago, which was like, I wrote the anarchist cookbook in 1969 or nice whenever. You know, now now I feel its premises are flawed.

It's like the bomb recipes don't work. Like what's wrong with it? They're now like a third way anarchist. Oh, I don't know. It's like to create what are you? What are you cooking up with the anarchist cookbook? Well, discord mostly, Dill. Dill is horrible.

There's one thing I've learned from living in Russia. It's like, by God, why would you ever put Dill in something? The one fucked up thing about the cryptocurrency thing is that they're being used largely, like in many cases, like sort of London real estate, like there's being used as sort of vast, untraceable, dark stores of wealth. Like they're like just for some people are using them to like like buy drugs or in some in some cases in like, you know,

East London, they're like coffee shop to take Bitcoin because fuck this place. It's almost as if surreptitious, shady financial systems aren't good and transparency and financial matters is actually a positive thing for society. Who the fucking thought it that libertarianism isn't actually a good thing? And and further, like it's really how was a coffee shop? Can you possibly take Bitcoin? Like it fluctuates.

It's in price so much. And the price of a coffee is incredibly tiny fraction of one Bitcoin. I don't know. I think I think how you could do that is probably as a gimmick that that very, very big is used. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like most people aren't going into coffee shops and asking, do you take Bitcoin as in like they say, do you like a Benji

skinny, nuclear child prostitute or a grand day skinny, nuclear child? Right. Well, definitely not grand day. Everyone laughs. God, so much child prostitution banter in this episode. Oh, classic. This is the this. This is a pretty, pretty regular podcast intro stuff for us. Just to warm the listeners.

Very, very regularly. My reputation is one of the woke dollings of left Twitter is really going to be in Tata's after this. We are basically talking about about, I think, some kind of nuclear Superman. But no one cares about my career as Lib Dem press officer. So, you know, oh, my God, was it you who ran that Lib Dem press account where they always had the sassy comebacks about how but Labour, actually, you're the same as the Tories.

Well, it's no coincidence. I'm the only one in Russia. Oh, yeah. I forgot we drove the administrators of that account out of the country with fucking flaming torches and pitchforks. Was one of the more aggressive actions of the hard left. Yeah, that is the nature of a hard left. The kids on the on the on the cryptocurrency front,

I've I've got a sentence to say to you to transition into our next topic that is probably going to give one of you a rage aneurysm. I don't know who it is, but I'm betting it's going to at least one of us. You're you're going to need to also let me get through the entire sentence. OK, OK, OK. Hey, the sentence begins here. Skedaddle on Uber for buses. Start out is a blockchain project

that aims to completely eliminate tipping through disruption. Uber for buses is trying to use the blockchain to disrupt the practice of tipping. Burn it down. Posadas, I was right. Yeah. Just trying to finish what most of things started. Yeah, honestly, they could all meet that end

and the world would be way better off just in brief. How this thing works is they've created some new, you know, worthless cryptocurrency and through their app, you mean a cryptocurrency through their through their app. What people can do is they rate an interaction with a service worker and the rating functions as a tip, which follows the worker for their entire life. Oh, that's very, very, very bad. Yeah, this is totally normal and good and OK.

Their buses will be segregated according to what rating you have. Yeah, and you can only pay for it in Bitcoin. Yeah, this is fine. Mm hmm. I'm sorry, you can't sit with us three star. The problem is like we all know like Black Mirror is pretty hack, right? Yeah, it's it's hack, but it's it's quite entertaining, I think. This is the literal this is the literal plot of a Black Mirror episode.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it wasn't the world because Black Mirror is no longer a satire. Yeah, yeah, Black Mirror is now inspiration for the people in tech who are too dumb to come up with this evil shit themselves. But they watch Black Mirror and they're like, oh, yeah, shit, that looks profitable. Yeah, so you're saying we could just steal the blood of the youth. So the company is my veins. The company is called Kudos and the really fucked up thing is that

they actually actually because I am an unusual person. I read their whole white paper that like just like their whole business plan, justifying what their company is and does. And a couple a couple lines jumped out at it from me aside, of course, from presumably the sort of massive lines that the people who wrote this business plan this business plan were snorting off of it because only people on cocaine would come up with this idea. All people on Brave Force Plus.

Yeah, actually, no, that's right. Probably Brave Force Plus. Without a doubt, it was a powerful block chain newotropic I've ever used. Is that an info wars thing? One of one of those things that's got loads of like lead and soy in it. And it says that servers and workers rarely get proper compensation for powering entire networks. And I kind of love it when, you know, fucking liberal tech dipshits

accidentally discover Marxism. The Communist Manifesto, you know, it goes on. Although some platforms of businesses have attempted to solve these problems, like Russia in 1917, proper, effective and fair reward structures often fall short. And what really strikes me is that it's like, yes, they've they're basically and yet we've discovered was basically the fundamental problem of capitalism, the base or the basic contradictions, the heart

of capitalism, and we're going to solve it by basically making it so everyone knows every time you've ever fucked up as a waiter. Yeah, well, because these days are problems not worth solving if you can't solve it with blockchain, because that is the way that the world works now. There's no point doing anything if it doesn't involve blockchain somehow like, are you talking to your mother? Well, that's no good.

If you're not using a blockchain, why not talk to your mother in a way that everyone in the world has a simultaneous record of to ensure that no one else is secretly talking to your mother? Your mother, your mother will never be able to claim you didn't talk to her. I think it's yeah, exactly. I can only imagine the sort of the manias at the heart of the people that actually invent this garbage, where they must just be such fundamentally dysfunctional people, right?

Like where they must go to go to restaurants, sit down and, you know, just get so immediately detested by everyone there that they can they can only imagine that, oh, man, if only I was able to tip these people properly in a way that they would never forget. Well, I mean, they have they have this sort of like, I guess, is per is post scarcity the word kind of perspective where it's constantly, you know, it's a kind of austerity mindset. It's like, well, I've only got a certain amount of money.

So I need to spend an incredible amount of time and effort rigorously ensuring that my money does not go to the wrong people. Such as a waiter who might not give me, you know, 10 out of 10 service necessarily by whatever weird arbitrary measures you measure that. The fundamental problem is like the of the optimizers is that they really do believe that every every problem can be optimized away. And fundamentally, everything's basically fine. It requires tweaking.

So the problem of, you know, chronic underpayment of service workers and tipping discrimination and where, you know, like, like, like POC, like service staff routinely receive less compensation and tips and their white counterparts, you know, they think really that the way to solve that problem is, you know, with with an app, as opposed to with like fundamentally questioning that, you know, permanent tips. I also really enjoyed the like giving them a tip. They'll never forget like really sounds like it's a worthy post from 2012.

Like this way to get to tip. He'll never forget at 30 seconds. You'll be shocked at a minute. You'll cry. Oh, I thought that was more like a like a J.A.V. as you realize that this thing that was counted to end racism made racism worse. I've got it. I can't wait till some chart on vote like creates blockchain for racism. Watch it race it ensure that everyone's aware of your slurs.

I've got like I've got like a warehouse full of computers that are mining racism. I've got four copies of the word slope ready to go. Is it a thing that, like, once you move to Russia, you automatically get given 800 computers by the state. So wherever you are, you can always be trolling some British or American person. Well, yes, you can never stop posting on behalf of the flag always online. Those are the two main tenets of the online and hashtag always mentions mentions. Yeah, but also like what the Russians mean by always online

is like playing Counter-Strike and eating sunflower seeds. That is that is arguably the national pastime. How come they're threatening our democracy? How can they even be conceived as threatening our democracy? They're eating sunflower seeds, eating dill, playing Counter-Strike and climbing buildings to their harnesses. They're threatening our democracy. Well, that's the thing about the Russians.

They don't they don't play by the West rules because they're just like, I mean, it's the same reason they won the Second World War. It's just they're much more prepared to suffer and do incredibly like outrageous things that people in the West are prepared to do. Yeah, like someone in the West is like, no, I'm not going to going to get up and chase a bear through the woods in my pants while filming it. No, I'm not going to do that.

And a Russian person is like, bring it on. And that's why the West is doomed in the end of the day. But you realize like the equivalent of that is like the propensity of the alt right to like lion dumpsters or like, you know, eat sushi dipped in milk or, you know, delete their account for being super racist. Is these are also people who are prepared to suffer publicly for their political beliefs? It's true. They're the true martyrs of anything.

They're the equivalent of those Tibetan monks who burb themselves in protest of the Vietnam War. It's just in this case, like they're willing to like all line up behind Roy Moore and just like take a big gas mask breath of like every fart you have in order to show their support. It's like, yeah, yeah, I think non-sing is good. Gas mask breath of the smell of naked children. Nuclear powered naked children bought online.

Well, I guess I guess now that Roy Moore is good and woke in the eyes of the chuds, then now they can sort of welcome the other Milo back into the fold after his own. It's true. After his own non-sing-related controversy. Yeah, the Overton window has actually. We have moved the Overton window to actually now make pedophilia acceptable so long as the person not trying to give Medicare for all to everyone. Like, health care, not acceptable.

Like, we're not going to like we're going to protect babies when they're in the womb, but as soon as they're gone, it's a fucking jungle. Yeah, well, that's what the thing is because universal health care actually is pedophilia. So yeah, you look at the over in Britain, they have Jimmy Savile in the NHS hospitals. It's Socialism is child abuse people. So I know, but I sort of think Jimmy Savile for every child.

That is the nature of the hard life. Pediatrician. Oh, my God, how deep does this go? You know, right, you you joke about that, right? But there's a genuinely true story. This happened in the UK, right? I think it was in Wales. There was a woman this was in about the year 2000. She moved she she moved from South Africa to Wales to work.

She was a pediatrician and she told some local people. She was like down the pub that she was like, a pediatrician, like just chatting them at the pub. And the next day, they came and like scrawled the word pedo all over the house. They didn't use her out of the town. What do they think? I explained that she was a pediatrician. I mean, imagine like it from their point of view,

like a woman who's a foreigner comes into the pub and they start talking to them and they're like, oh, what do you do for a living? And she's like, as far as they understand, oh, I'm a pedophile. It's like a peep show, like sorry. She's like, oh, I'm a pedophile. And they're like, oh, wait, hang on a minute. Let's guys, let's just let's just like get get to the bottom of precisely what she means by this.

So that is you work with children. She's like, oh, yeah, exclusively. Oh, fuck. Who pays you for this? Oh, the government. So she's like, it's just like people walking into pubs just like, yeah, I'm a nuns, big nuns. I'm so convinced now that I in the intervening time have gone out into my balcony and just drunk a giant glass of London canal water

because I'm so angry at socialism. Carefully putting in the water. Yeah, there's chemicals in the water. The right to be soy. Actually, anyone who doesn't get eaten as disease in November doesn't respect the troops. I do hope, Riley, that you did check the behavior of the frogs and the fish in that canal.

Oh, no, no, they're they're well, OK, they all have extra limbs, but none of them are gay. They're all in traditional families. That's all right. They're all right. Yeah. They're extremely conservative frogs. Family frogs.

Yeah, exactly. All right, show me. Shall we show? Shall we end this? This segment, regroup and then come back to talk about two more terrible things. Fuck off. Do it for you.

Picking on mental. I'm going to put the body to yes. Plotty, too. I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, Laura, we're taking you to Mexico because Tom's just sent us his artwork for the new episode. Oh, my gosh, OK. For fuck's sake.

It's so just just for you guys and benefit. Sorry, I'll be very quick. It's got it's got it's got Steven Kinneck's face from that classic shot from the BBC documentary. Jux. Oh, yeah. Well, he looks very happy that Labour's winning. Yeah, Jux deposed with a laughing Putin, a laughing Mugabe, Neil Kinneck looking very confused with his eyes closed

and Tim Farron looking very shocked. That's very good. Sorry. That's a classic hard left Salvador Dali crossover that is the modern Internet. Well, Bunwell was a committed leftist, even if Dali himself was basically a fascist. Yeah, yes, the drippy, drippy clocks of fascism.

I mean, I'm the Dali fascism, the time the trains wouldn't even run on time because like you could even understand what the time was. I mean, I love Dali's art. And, you know, I'm just saying he literally did support General Franco. You know, it's a neutral statement as to my feelings on the man. General Franco as a name does really sound like a guy who should be like a regular in your local pub,

who's like called that ironically because he's always dressed in a military uniform, despite never having been in the army. I'm just like, I'm picturing major Briggs from Twin Peaks here. We have we have no idea. Maybe that's how fascism in Spain got started. It's just we're in Peaks. It's very Dali, actually, like none of it makes any sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, big, big, big bunch of surrealism.

But if you want surrealism and leftism, then Bunwell is your man. You're going to save in real politics as your podcast and you're in this game. We're basically just an advertorial for you guys. This whole episode, like we've plugged most recent episode, our app, our new artwork, like are the jokes on it because no one even listens to this podcast. We're not even recording this. Our fans will listen to this podcast and they listen to it on a Zoom.

OK, that's fucking cool. I want those people. I want them to listen to real politics. I want I want to go back to Kudos for a second. But before we do, I do want to tell the Zoom user, please, please send a message to the Trash Future DMs. We really want to hear from you. Come on, the show, we want to talk to you about the Zoom.

Have you guys got any listeners in, like, far flung places because we've got a listener in Saudi Arabia. We have a Q and Q. Is it the prince himself? Yeah, it is. He is. He is a sorry, what is it? Fuck's sake, something with a zeal for reform. I fucked up the Guardian headline about him.

I was going to say, maybe, maybe what's happened is that all of the princes that have been kidnapped and are being tortured by American mercenaries, maybe they're playing real politics, really, really loud into their cells to deny them sleep. Hard left, hard left, hard left, hard left, hard left. Have American mercenaries kidnapped Saudi princes? What? Yeah, that's what's apparently been going on. Because this is a fine timeline.

It jailed them all up in some hotel in Riyadh. But I thought that was the prince doing it. I mean, there's all those, like, private security contractors, aren't there, from America, like BlackRock and all these various people. Well, they're, every time they get accused of a war crime, they do a very clever thing when they change their name. Yes, that's the ones. BlackRock is, sorry, that investment firm.

It's an investment firm that also definitely hasn't murdered anyone at all. BlackWater is now, or is this now known? Oh, no, no, no relation incorporated. No, they change their name to Academy. And then they literally do this every time they get accused of a war crime. They just change their name. It's something I really wish. I wish I could go fucking like, I don't know, rob a store

and then get caught, like, you got me. Anyway, I guess I'm Bill now. But real politics has it as a surprisingly. You just pulled me. You never stole a don't think. We've got a surprisingly small amount of listeners in Russia. So we would appreciate Milo if you could, you know, maybe continue the advertorial in your next stand-up set or something.

Yeah, I'll go down so well. Yeah. The Russian understanding of British politics is approximately zero. So well, hey, I mean, they've made Brexit happen. It's pretty good. Oh, I mean, the understanding inside the Kremlin is excellent. The understanding was the general population low. Yeah, so we actually one of the things about

the way in which, like, the Russia thing is, like, it's perniciously used by, like, certain forces to, like, try and, I don't know, mislead, like, like misrepresent, like, what happened in certain political events. But also, like, the Russians are, like, genuinely pernicious and are doing this, which is something that shouldn't be ignored. Because that's someone who lives in Russia. That is, like, a honey pee, what they're doing.

But what is it like the fucking the plutocrats in Russia are at this shit? Yeah, they're a bad bunch. The plutocrats, like, how does how does it compare to, like, what they do in Russia in terms of the ways that, you know, they turn, as Adam Curtis would say, Russian politics into this kind of bewildering carnival of sites and sounds and, you know, colours and fun and games and, you know, fascism and.

Yeah, I mean, like, literally, it's so like Putin's party, you know, I see it, which is in power, obviously. They, like, they have several of their, like, main MPs are a bunch of, like, young actresses, I'd say about 30, who used to be in this show called Univer, which is like a sitcom on Russian TV. And now they're, like, the most hard-line fascist people. No, it's called Univer, like, university. And they're, like, the most hard-line fascist people in the parliament.

They're all just like, yeah, kill the Ukrainians. Didn't you used to be in a sitcom about, like, putting the kettle on? Like, what? Didn't, like, a member of fucking fresh meat? Would this be, like, if the cast of Fresh Meat all of a sudden, like, took over Britain and started imprisoning dissidents? It's not basically what Jack Whitehall and his dad are doing. Yeah, presumably. Blood on his hands. I mean, I'm not sure exactly what Jack Whitehall's doing.

He's definitely kidnapping people and forcing them in there. Well, do you see that? And that sort of that British terrorist attack in Oxford Street that wasn't the other day, Oli Merz. Oh, yeah, Oli Merz. Yeah, he ended up trapped in a basement with a bunch of people and then forced them to listen to him saying. So there was one real terrorist attack that happened the other day.

It's just... Yeah, people were disappointed there was Oli Merz and not ISIS. They were in the hopes of a quick and painless death while the explosion. I mean, in the end, forced to listen to the stylings of Essex boy, dumb, good Oli Merz. Oh, good. The only man on Earth whose name rhymes with the word polymers. Is it true that when you flush for toilet in Russia,

it goes down a different way and resurfaces in someone in Britain's computer? Yeah, it is. Yeah, when you when you when you flush the toilet in Russia, usually there's not much in there to be flushed because you're not allowed to put anything in the toilet in Russia because their plumbing is so bad. It's amazing because like Moscow, particularly has loads of like

superficial mod cons like everywhere has Wi-Fi and there's all kinds of like snazzy tech on the streets. But like, but you still can't put the toilet paper in the toilet. Like what you've got to deal with the basic first guys. Come on, like some of us have got used to the toilet paper in the toilet. This was weird. I'm I am at my when I was when I was at uni, it was clear that like all the signs in my college

have been written by someone who didn't speak English super well. And so it said to quote trash, unwanted toilet paper, implying that you could have some toilet paper, use it, then be like, you know what, I kind of want this. Very good. I'm going to keep it. I'm going to go. I probably got about 15 minutes, by the way.

OK, then let's do what do we want to do when I do net neutrality or do you want to do Amazon, Amazon city, sub slots? I don't really know what net net neutrality is. OK, let's do Amazon. Let's do let's do Amazon city, sub slots then. I don't know. So, yeah, I don't know if I do know if I told you guys this. Actually, I just told you, but Amazon is now officially a a DOM in a consensual DOM relationship,

where cities all around the United States and Canada are signing contracts to be their twenty four seven slave. Wow. More like Amazon man and Agua. Then in Agua, fucks, because he's called Emerson man and get men in Agua, you press carry on. The Russian box broke the programming in the Russian box died. Someone finally presented it with a reasonable argument made by Ian Dunn and it exploded. Imagine my shock.

Yeah, so two hundred and thirty eight cities in region, the US, Canada and Mexico are trying to bring Amazon second headquarters there. And Amazon is saying, yeah, we'll spend, you know, five billion dollars on building our new headquarters and probably create fifty thousand new jobs. However, they made it very clear that they would be expecting sweetheart deals from every city they were actually talking to. Um, and these usually, you know, amount to essentially sort of ridiculous tax breaks and land grants and stuff

that would basically make it sort of free for Amazon to actually, you know, go about their business without giving anything back to local communities, which is good and fine, right? Of course. Amazon to go about their business of using the toilet paper, which they will then keep. And I think that I've been reading through some of their proposals through some of the like the bids that cities have made and it ranges from the just it basically what they all have in common is that it's a total sort of it all smacks of neo feudalism, but all the bids kind of

range from such a weird word, neo feudalism. Yeah. Yeah, I really, I really wish it didn't have currency, but there you go. That's just dune. Space age feudalism is just dune. Manual laser plows. OK, so the proposals range from the ghoulish to the just completely fucking humiliating. And so which which end should I start on the ghoulish or the humiliating? Should we start with the spooky ones at the ghoulish end? Ghoulish end.

All right. Two spooky attacks proposal for you. God, I thought Halloween had been and gone. You do. But you always have Halloween in Russia. You guys can't see this, but I'm holding up a flashlight up underneath my chin. Oh, he said flashlight. Fuck. Oh, my God, blinding. OK, Chicago.

Sorry, did I say flashlight? I mean, fleshlight. No, it has no ambient lighting effects, but Chicago, eh? The city of Chicago. Chicago has offered to give all of the income taxes workers at Amazon will pay in Chicago back to Amazon. Essentially, straight to Jeffrey Kisses. Essentially, Amazon is is going to get one point three two billion

personal income taxes that would have been paid from the workers. Correct. The workers are going to pay tax to Amazon in order to have the privilege of working for Amazon. Because they have where does your income tax go? Does it go on public services? No, it goes to me, Jeffrey Kisses. Go down to mill pay to boss to go to work.

But if they're paying taxes to Amazon, who's going to build the roads? When I work at Amazon, they used to work us up half an hour before we went to bed. And we lived in actually surprisingly oversized cardboard box for much bigger and it needed to be. All right, we had it lucky. So, yeah, it's a bit, you know, we shouldn't worry because they have like climbing balls and, you know, like they give out free

healthy snacks. It's a really great place to work. You don't need a union or, you know, a civil government. You just think the climbing wall is how they saw the weak workers from the strong. It's like standing at the end of every day called like the reaping. And only the strong make it over the climbing wall in time to not be like eaten by the dogs or whatever at the bottom. You don't want to join a union because, you know, that just robs you of your individuality and freedom and your personal agency.

Unlike working in an Amazon warehouse, which is pretty much most liberating experience and possibly the wildest, dopest fucking time you're ever going to have. Yeah, you get to work. You get to work your Amazon job for 18 hours a day. You get to go home to your Amazon T.M. home and you get to kiss your Amazon T.M. life. It's a great, really liberating experience.

Under Amazon CEO, Amazon man. Tried to do my shit, Joe, for a third time just to rub it in. But I still keep fucking mispronouncing Moon and Gag was made. I think what you guys also have to remember is that like unions cost dues. Like you have to pay to be in a member of a union, not like at Amazon. Oh, yeah, you have to pay tax to work for Amazon. Yeah, you're exploited by an employer, cost you nothing. The only time Amazon is in favor of paying

tax is when its own employees are paying tax to Amazon. So there are a few other proposals that are differently ghoulish because they essentially turn politics into or at least the sort of negotiation of public and private interest into like professional wrestling. Boston's proposal includes the creation of a quote Amazon task force, which would create a department of city employees. The task of negotiating on behalf of Amazon with the city. Yeah, Amazon task force was definitely selling the American army

was doing in the 80s and I was shooting in from helicopters and shooting up cocaine farmers or something around the country. Cut a shit. Well, maybe Amazon is forming its own paramilitary organization. Whereas you to be like, you get there's like an Amazon Prime delivery of a laser guided bomb to a Yemeni wedding. You know what this basically is? This is basically bug chasing.

There is one more very ghoulish sort of city just gaping themselves for Amazon to come in and give them their gift, which is Fresno, where Fresno has suggested that they're going to instead of creating a task force within their company, they're actually just going to outsource the task of managing their tax revenue to Amazon. Where 85% of every tax dollar generated by Amazon is put into the Amazon Community Fund, which is administered by Amazon executives. And they said, you know, Amazon basically is going to be able to dictate

where this tax money goes and the Fresno's Economic Development Director has said, this is what we're doing rather than having the money disappearing into a civic black hole, you know, where it could fund schools or like, you know, health workers are essential public services. It's instead it's instead going to go to like, you know, building a leisure pool, black hole, the new way of saying like, civic communities for black people. Let's make sure it doesn't go on any of that.

No, you know, if you if you give your make sure it stays under the control of Amazon, where it belongs, if you give your tax dollars to any kind of American government, federal or municipal, they're just going to give it to their pedophilic universal health care schemes that they will support workers than before. And it's a massive success for the board. So what we're saying, really, is that Amazon is actually trying to destroy capitalism by inciting revolution.

It's just doing too fucking well. Jeff Bezos is actually a Marxist revolutionary. Yeah, Amazon's absolutely fucking work like. Comrade Bezos, I have another couple purely embarrassing urban bids to try and like, you know, basically get themselves, you know, rogered into non-existence by Amazon. This is one one interesting one is Tucson, Arizona. Delivered and delivered delivered a 21 foot cactus

to Amazon's main Seattle headquarters. And I assume they attached a note to it that just said you can put this anywhere. Oh, they are smoking. Why? Why do they think a cactus would be persuasive? Like, oh, well, you know, Chicago offered us to make our workers pay tax to us. That was pretty, pretty good. But Tucson had a cactus. So I think we're going to go with them smoking practice.

Kansas City, Missouri, the mayor of Kansas City, Missouri, a man called Sly James, he, I know, he, he just wrote a thousand five star. He wrote a thousand. I'm sorry. Amazon products. Guys, guys, guys, guys, I've got an emergency and an urgent joke for you. You know, you know, that Amazon, a, you know, they're almost a little bit like because, you know, how they're all unethical and that they're almost a little

bit like Emerson Mann and Gagworth in New Preston of Zimbabwe. You could say Amazon, Amazon, Gagworth. That's fun. Yeah. Yeah. If there's anything you've proven over the course of this episode that you can almost say that.

Almost. A lot of effort. The last, the last dumb one I'll read is that Stonecrest, Georgia, it's a small recently formed town offered to just simply rename itself Amazon. I'll name my kid Amazon. If you come here, give us some fucking jobs, man. The steel mill's been closed for 20 years now. Just please come.

I'm Amazon. I'll call my fucking dick Amazon, if that's what it takes. Well, I mean, Brazil really outplayed them by naming the largest rainforest and longest river in the world on draft. Incredible product placement. But I think there's a real irony here because I did one last little bit of research for this, which is essentially that these, these deals where cities offer sort of gigantic subsidies for large hybrids and companies to come in.

When they do this, it never actually works out for them. Like it always actually operates at a loss. So I'll tell this, this quote up from the article with capitalism ending badly. Who'd have fucking thought, right? Okay, breaking news with one billion dollars already committed to property tax relief as a minimum for any city could win the bid. It looks as if the total amount offered to attract HQ to would have to be under eight billion for a city and state to have any hope of breaking even if they

won, get eight billion is only 160,000 per job, which is less than companies like Boeing and Foxconn receive. So like they basically like anything that is remotely close to actually like being competitive from Amazon's point of view is very unlikely to be profitable over the long period of time because all of these people who are coming in, yes, and getting paid income tax that paying income tax that, you know, might not end up in the city coffers anyway, they're coming in and using services, driving up property taxes.

They're not really private property costs rather. They're like, and in many ways, they're sort of not even contributing much local economy because most of their shopping, they probably do online anyway. It's basically like, you know, in inviting a gigantic leech to come and live on your arm because you think it'll be a cool accessory. Oh, are you saying I should get rid of that leech? I was trying to get my few of us back in order. One day delivery, though, you can't argue with that.

You order leeches on Amazon, probably. Undoubtedly. All these cities are all right. You definitely get leeches in the Amazon. You can probably get them in the dark net, right? With Bitcoin, like next. Oh, radio active child leeches. Yeah, what's a drug that begins with L?

Like they've got a more alphabetically like lexapro leeches. Are you going to say let pussy for a second? In some loud leprosy. I was pranging out hard last night. I lost four fingers. Pussy drinking game. It's two fingers every time you are well. It's a well-composed joke, right?

It's all of the classical formula for a joke. Of the classical formula, much, much like current president of Zimbabwe. Brilliant. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck it. I'm joining. I'm joining. He's unethical. And there's those.

So is Amazon and both violate people's rights. Fuck it. Tim Farron, come take me away. I'm joining the Lib Dems. I'm really disappointed that MacGabby. The MacGabby wasn't deposed from power by Mark Thatcher in like a shock return to the news, who just gets announced as involved with president. He's like, practice makes perfect motherfuckers. It's like when when Thatcher died, people were like, oh, but, you know,

when you're making fun of her and loudly celebrating, you know, think of her kids and like her kids are dickheads, mate. Like, I am thinking that's why I'm doing this. I'm a fucking arm sealer. Yeah. But my favorite, my favorite thing about Mark Thatcher and Tim Spicer is just how beautifully incompetent they both were. They tried to match a coup with, like, you know, 20 guys in a rented helicopter.

It's like the plot of a family guy episode, isn't it? Like we're going to we're going to launch a coup in Equatorial Guinea. It's it's like they they took sort of almost like a pickup artist approach to like, you know, like, like political violence. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You need to be at the biggest arm here. Have the most handsome rich guy. He was going with the right attitude.

And then they'll out got an egging Equatorial Guinea. I guess that's a pretty nice country for a shithole. No, well, it's you don't want to go in to be strong. You don't want to go in too strong. You want to hold back a bit. Yeah, I'm just here with one helicopter and like, you know, 20 incompetent mercenaries, like no big deal. They're they're sensible centrists that they want to be right near

to the center of the globe as much as you can get. By that by that logic, you will find out when we finally like captured him fair and then take off the obvious mask he's wearing, that actually he'd been Mark Thatcher the whole time. You would have milked that and he wouldn't have. You would have gotten away with his food. If it wasn't for you meddling leftist podcaster, that is the nature of the hard left. Oh, I imagine if Equatorial Guinea security forces were so pathetic

that the coup was actually stopped by a leftist podcast, Mark Thatcher successfully negging his way through the soldiers like, oh, nice tanks you've got there. Those for your action men. Um, when some real politics is in a bunch of face 20 somethings, when real politics and trash future unite, no coup stands a chance. Yeah, when we finally got Android.

We can finally tighten her control on Equatorial Guinea. It's coming in. We don't want the oil. We're here for the milk. The oil of human kindness. Have an Oreo shake. Mummy, mummy. That's my Tory MP impression.

But that's our patron. It's just be the taxation of Equatorial Guinea. Yeah, I thought Tory MP. But Equatorial Guinea give us to move trash future headquarters there. Isn't that Riley's place? Just move Riley out to Equatorial Guinea. Riley actually runs Equatorial Guinea. That's my like secret job that I have is president of Equatorial Guinea.

Oh, Riley. So did you write that book that I found in the Audible store? Yeah, I wrote it. I've written like 25, dude. Oh, fucking hell. Yeah, that was my old job. Riley's one of the few people you'll find is actually written more books than they've read. You're the real Garth Marengi, motherfucker.

No, I was, I literally, I just searched Russia on the Audible store because I was like, oh, I'd quite like a book about Russia, you know, to know who I'm working for. Yeah, and in the end, I went for that book I mentioned that I think Milo might remember the name of. Everything is true and nothing is possible. Yeah, yeah. Nothing is true and everything is possible.

That's the one. That's the one. That's the one. Everyone is true in Russia. Everything's true, but nothing's possible. Wait, no, is it not nothing is true and everything is possible? No, no, it is. That is, that is it, yeah.

I was just... I'm looking at the book that I have in my head. Although in a way everything is true and nothing is possible would be a very accurate description. I forgot I bought you that book. Yeah, this is the book that Jack bought me for my birthday. I completely forgot I got you the Russia book, as well as a mic to do the show with.

Oh, transparent, the self-interest of my part. That's all good. It's all good. Guys, I think the nature of the hard left is getting tired. The nature of the hard left is to talk at the same time as each other. Guys, the nature of the hard left is that it's tired. I think we should tighten our control on our beds. Yeah.

Very good. And on Equatorial Guinea. Yeah, my bed is out of Equatorial Guinea because of the secret source of Hywel. Do we have any final thoughts on the topics we were discussing today? Because I was just thinking that on Amazon you could always compare them to Emerson Mann and Gagworth and the president of Zimbabwe.

Oh, God. You used to almost be able to. Now I think you can. I think you finally developed the skill. Fuck yeah. That's transferable. We're going to edit out the first six attempts. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. Please keep them all in. Because it's not actually a good joke initially, so it needs the repetition to actually be around and be funny. That is true. Speaking as a professional comedian, that is the only way that joke is going to be funny. Yeah, you need all the instances of it in there.

Yeah, there's a whole back catalogue that needs to be understood, like a canon of that joke. I like jokes. I like Jack's president of Zimbabwe joke, like that he released in the last minute of the show. You've never even listened to B-sides. Live techniques, studio kind of things. B-sides of this podcast are all not available to the public

because they're largely the episodes that Riley accidentally deleted or his computer. And we just remember. Well, my favourite Trash Future episode is The Best of Trash Future. Is that a really niche Alan Partridge reference? Yes, it is. I've done a load of British comedy references in this episode.

Yeah. I love it. Alright, I think that that's going to be where we call this one. Ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls and nuclear powered robots, I will see you all next week. Goodbye for me, Amazon Man and Hag. Fuck. I can't.

Goodbye for me, child. Goodbye to all our listeners and equatorial guinea. I promise we're never going to talk each other over each other like this again. Emcee fucking mortal in the fucking house. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

Fuck off.