TRASHFUTURE - I’m Just A Simple High Tech Country Slumlord feat. Alex Branson

Episode Date: August 25, 2020

This week, we’re back to basics: an all-app episode with Alex Branson (@necrobranson) of the Episode 1 Podcast (@E1podcast) joining Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Olga (@rocknrolga), and Alice (@AliceAvizandum). The MIT Media Lab makes an appearance, and it’s nothing but fun throughout. If you want access to our Patreon bonus episodes and powerful Discord server, sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture We support the London Renters Union, which helps people defeat their slumlords and avoid eviction. If you want to support them as well, you can here: https://londonrentersunion.org/donate Here's a central location to donate to bail funds across the US to help people held under America's utterly inhumane system: https://secure.givelively.org/donate/the-bail-project If you want one of our *fine* new shirts, designed by Matt Lubchansky, then e-mail trashfuturepodcast [at] gmail [dot] com. £15 for patrons, £20 for non-patrons, plus shipping.  *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind GYDS dot com). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/

The Home Counties England The Home Counties You are listening to Keith James The Home Counties Hello and welcome back to Tunes Britannia with me Keith James All afternoon we're taking your request for your favourite British tunes Today we're doing the 80s and that is the fourth time today we've had to play Phil Collins to studio

So please dial in with your request if they're not Phil Collins to studio I believe we have got Barry on the line in Leon C Barry how are you doing? Afternoon Keith I've got to tell you it's a lovely day down on the Essex Seaside Got my bucket and spade out and everything and don't worry I'm not going to request Phil Collins I'm not racist just don't like him Well it's great to have you with us Barry Can I ask what are you going to request that we play today?

Well Keith I want you to play my favourite British song of the 1980s Aunt Borluftaklase on my radio tonight I remember it from South End Technical College back in the day We'd go out and have a few stillers and this would be on Dana Club We'd be having it Well Barry I can tell you I actually remember that track from my own youth But it's not actually technically a British song I mean it is by a Dutch band

What do you mean nice not it's English It's the songs in English it's English Barry I'm afraid they do sing the song in English But the song is actually by a Dutch band That's why the song is called HonkBall Hoeftaklase on my radio tonight I mean that's not an English word is it? What do you mean HonkBall that's perfectly normal English that is I don't really...

You're trying to tell me that this song that I've been enjoying since the 1980s is not English That's the problem that you've got these days You try and say that a song is English And no one will let you it's political correctness gone mad Barry the bands are called Johannes Vonk and the Clogheads They sing in English but they are actually Dutch I promise you they're Dutch First of all saying that an Englishman can't be called Johannes Vonk is racist

You're part of the problem Keith I thought you were alright But if you're trying to tell me that my favourite song HonkBall Hoeftaklase on my radio by Johannes Vonk and the Clogheads Oh by the way are from Basildon If you're trying to tell me that that is not an English tune Well I might have to stop listening altogether Barry look I think we're gonna have to agree to disagree on this one But as it is a great tune I will stick it on for you how does that sound

Bonza proper job cheers Keith Okay everyone this is Barry's favourite English tune of the 80s It's HonkBall Hoeftaklase on my radio tonight by Johannes Vonk and the Clogheads In the flatlands of Holland there's a game that we play And when they're down at the Hogplatz then you know it's match day It's all over the East Indies and it's down in Harlem streets And they're breaking out the polish but it's not for their cleats Put down your work gloves and pick up your glove

Stand on the home honk it's time to fall in love HonkBall Hoeftaklase on my radio tonight I hear the team announcements and I know the time is right And I know I mustn't say it though I feel it in the air A home run for Rotterdam's Dirk Van Bier Hello and welcome back to this free episode of Trash Future That podcast you're listening to right now We have talked a lot about various kinds of policies, the histories of different things

And I've decided I'd like to go back to basics this week I've gotten just some startups, I've just gathered some startups for us to go through today I love it so much Yes, it's back in the old days when we weren't as good at audio And to join us, us being myself, Riley, Milo, Olga and Alice Don't forget the Gooch And the Gooch And of course the Gooch who I believe is controlling Alice's sound board

Yes, I hate the Gooch The Gooch is very much the Spartacus of the Trash Future podcast What is the good Gooch drop? Cause I got a bunch of drops but I'm trying to think which is like Gooch mindset here A nice tainty squelch Oh, yeah maybe Okay Well, like a jack and off noise would be a good one

I'm just a guest though, I should let you guys figure it out Maybe this is the Gooch Ah, shut the fuck up before I come back here and slap me too That sounds like something the Gooch would say Classic Gooch So joining us as well is Alex Branson from the Episode 1 podcast Who's gonna help us sort of with a little bit of retro TF today How are you doing today, man?

I'm doing good I wanna thank you first of all for like pretending you're gonna throw it back to like startups Because you know I'm too stupid to talk about politics Thanks for so sparing me that I've got some politics for us today as well Yeah, you almost missed the vegetables but no Like a box propped up with a stick You think it's gonna be some fun dumb startups and then it slams down

And Riley is talking about the critique of the GoTo program Oh man, the GoTo program That's the somebody I used to know initiative Absolutely That's what I bring to the table Yeah, poorly defined Yeah, I mean the one political thing I have noticed Is that in the last two weeks

The Democrats in America used to be all about like young adult fiction like Harry Potter and stuff And it seems like they're more overtly going back to baby stuff Yeah Liz Warren Weird horny stuff at the same time as the baby stuff It's some kink shit where they say politicians are their moms and dads and stuff It's cool You get a DNC goodie bag when you go in that's got like all kinds of like pastes in it that you can eat while you watch it

You know like a little ground up carrot and stuff Yeah It's great, I love it A toy with every vote Also, what I really enjoyed was some blue take person referring to Michelle Obama as like Mr. Rogers Yes, just like Mr. Rogers made me feel like I mattered and that he was trustworthy Michelle Obama is like Mr. Rogers Just like Mr. Rogers made me horny as hell

What the hell? It is it is it's very it's this or that's something I've been unable to escape And also that Meg Whitman the former Republican gubernatorial candidate for California and just co-CEO of Quibi spoke at the TNC Quibi Yeah, that's fucking right She spoke about the necessity of being buried with the golden arm Yeah, she's very very insistent on that There was one other news item which is Steve Bannon got arrested by a federal law enforcement agency you do not know exists

The US Postal Inspection Service That's fucking right don't fuck with the post That's right You'll get the horns Those are some polite cops I bet those are about I bet they're apologizing the whole time they put the handcuffs on you Cops who are in shorts I gotta say what I really like about this Is this one of the little vans?

Is the idea of just like these are guys who are these are him and then Greg Stuby that representative we talked about It was angry at Facebook for hiding his likes These are the guys who should be getting arrested by the enforcement divisions of bits of the state that you didn't know had enforcement divisions Yeah, like I'm happy this is back Fully like NIST should be arresting like Steve Bannon and for like Or like the people who get who get held back for like oh god sorry my brain is fried but the people who like get caught shoplifting I think like mall cops and just like FESBI That's the thing they are the mall cops of the federal government like

Do you think they're like hanging out with FBI agents and they're like no we're cool too I mean like we open mail Damn I hate it when my career is ended by the fish game and jet ski inspector So look here's the thing I these are some politics things that have been on my mind but everything I've prepared today is all about stars three startups and what MIT Media Lab initiative Alright so we're gonna start with the MIT Media Lab project It is for something called wearable sanitizer And it has been

Okay cool yeah we're just gonna have like a bottle of hand sanitizer that you wear on top of your head like an ancient Egyptian priest and it like melts down you throughout the day See what I imagined was like a latex deodorant that you like slap on and it just like contains everything and like a bubble Yeah you just like tear off that top layer at the end of the day where you're looking like Joyce Carol Oates' keyboard And you just like you're just fresh and clean after that You got breast implants full of Purell Yeah that's right And I could just squirt it at you All of you are very close I think Alice is the closest

I would like to live patent the idea that I just had What was the name again? The project is wearable sanitizer and again this would have been funded probably to the tune of millions of dollars by Unilever giving money to the MIT Media Lab Oh I see right this is why it doesn't have a snappy name like Sanitizer but without any that's a shame So wearable sanitizer So they say we present an open source wearable sanitizer that provides just in time automatically dispensed alcohol to a wearer's hand Or nearby objects using sensors or programmables You drive a pistol thing where it like you slide down

Why is it so complicated? Wait it's open source but the only thing you can make it do is just create a pattern of spritzes Yes Oh but hang on surely you could use it to dispense any liquid so you just sanitizer You modify it so it just does come As soon as I'm in a dangerous situation my entire body secretes come That's Spider-Man Not my come either

I wear it on my dick so she doesn't know An on-demand like skunk hole that just sprays hand sanitizer in a pattern Like I don't feel like MIT You know they a little bit of waste of their talents I would assume Well you'd think so but this is the Media Lab which exists largely to like sort of create little bobbles Like the MIT Media Lab also invented the alarm clock that rolls off your desk so you have to stand up to turn it off And a pair of eyeglasses that shocks you if you fall asleep And they remain the most benign things ever done with Jeffrey Epstein's money

That's right and they were also funded largely by Jeffrey Epstein Is this true? Yep Also the glasses sound like something that make you wear in like an Amazon warehouse So they're developing that kind of technology Who would have thought that one guy's two things could be like pedophilia and Rube Goldberg devices What an interesting combination Honestly now that you say that out loud that sounds like it makes the most sense

That's right So he says Rube Goldberg machine, the cops should have to investigate all of your hard drives We just met a guy right and then you know he seemed normal and alright And then later on you're talking to your buddies and it's like oh yeah he's cool He's really into Rube Goldberg machines though I'd go ah there we go He's got a whole series of little freaks and levers and marbles that make breakfast for him I've got to call the postal inspection service on this guy

See what's going on with this guy's papers We systematically explore the design space for wearable sanitizers Aiming to create a device that not only seamlessly integrates with the user's body But also frees their physical and mental faculties from other tasks You know like the mental faculties that get taken up by putting on hand sanitizer I think like they get so obsessed with this idea of like just personal efficiency But they got to be doing like spending 95% of their day just being as efficient as possible Right I can't put the brain power to spray my own hand sanitizer because I'm too busy

You know planning the child trafficking so really it's got to do something that does it for me Oh well I would just like to introduce you to this app that does the child trafficking for you Yeah that's right So you can make your life even more efficient You can spray all the hand sanitizer you want on anything Well actually what happens is initially you roll an egg down a chute And then eventually a child from Albania emerges out of the wall next to you some minutes later Oh it's from Albania so you have to send it back

So the actual design of this I'll paint a picture with my words Is best understood as a Spider-Man device of hand sanitizer It's the taxi driver thing where you like pull the gun out of your sleeve except it's a little like tube of Purell Yeah and you can So it's like a fireman was a pussy Essentially yes It's if Iron Man believed everything the lying fake media said about COVID-19 Yeah so you can be like a little health Spider-Man

A superhero named Safe Space Oh damn Branson performing at the RNC this year This is actually going to happen though isn't it like Marvel are going to put out some chintzy app that has Iron Man And it's going to be like oh well I'm a superhero but you know what's really something that superheroes do Sanitation Is wearing a mask and washing their hands And that's how we can all

It's already gotten considerably weirder than that because this one set of farmers in Northern Ireland Made a bunch of superheroes out of hay bales but like wearing masks Which is fully some Hey Spider-Man we'll drop a fucking paving slob on your head if you don't wear a mask What I learned is that Irish farmers don't work very hard on their farms He's just fuck around with the baling machine Absolutely not Yeah he's having fun

Fuck around and find out It's August too what are they doing This should be the busy season January There are two things that Northern Irish Aquaman hates Coronavirus and fucking prods So look This was just a little amuse-bouche right

This is what the MIT Media Lab is And I love this Their tagline is all about like inventing the future And that's inventing the future is They're a Spider-Man A Spider-Man hand sanitizer dispenser If it like it just it like secretes the hand sanitizer onto your hands for you By like a mechanism which you know you have to wear

It is definitely not complex But then it can't rub it in for you So you still have to stop what you're doing to like apply it Even though it's been like gizzed into your hand by a machine The only thing that's gonna be useful for is lube at a butthole Or you just need another Can you tell can it tell when it sees a butthole Why do you think I've been doing all of those butthole recaptures

I'll tell you what you need In order to really save time What you need is you need the hand sanitizer Spider-Man device And then you need another hand that will then come out of your sleeve And rub the hand sanitizer in So it's a second device really Well then you can just fuck it right And then the whole nobody would use any of the thing

They just have a fucking machine They gotta be really careful with this technology Because they know if they push it too far Everyone's just gonna fuck it That's why they don't have the hand that rubs That's right Everyone would you just be constantly sanitizing This is just what happens when Jeffrey Epstein dies mid-pitch

He's just trying to sell them on Now give me a hand that rubs stuff And then fucking gets arrested and like is murdered And these fucking poor interns have to be like What the hell do we do with this hand rubbing technology The last message I already sent this was asking If we could design a brace for a high watt bone So I have another, I have another, I have a startup now

That was the MIT Media Lab This one's a startup that's actually funded and operational It's called PadSplit Branson, I'm gonna give you the first guess PadSplit? What do you think PadSplit does? Is it a big curtain you hang in your house So that you can get like a whole other family in there?

Oh my god, guess, what? Yeah, you got it first try I thought that was a good guess, but dad What else would it be? Are you serious? What else would it be? The other thing I thought of is tampon stuff And I thought that's too blue

I'm not going down that route We don't work freaking blue on this talk Periods aren't blue, ads misguided you You work correct that it's not a curtain But yes, that is essentially the function of this startup It's an electronic curtain It's a conceptual curtain So you can see through it

So I'll go through this The tagline is called It's Your Life, Take the Keys Oh cool Oh yeah, take the keys to your life That famous expression You're like going hiking now Nice house, fresh start, new you What does this sound like?

It's an easy top song And here's where I realized we had to do this Startup for this episode Because the founder's name Was I'm pretty sure invented by Branson and Andrew On an episode of E1 The founder of this startup won Atticus Le Blanc We've used Le Blanc once or twice

So it is the quintessential, it is the perfect French name Absolutely To have the Atticus in there, that's so much That's a little extra dimension Attique Le Blanc I need a little background info on Atticus Le Blanc now I definitely need to know where he grew up And what street it is on in Manhattan

So, Atticus Le Blanc I have lots of information on Atticus Le Blanc Oh no Is it a look? Yeah He looks a... He paints a picture with your words really I would say he has a six head

A six head Yeah, it's like four head, five head, six head He's got a very large forehead And most of his face is sort of collected towards the bottom Classic, space saving He's got a pad split on his own head So basically, he is from Georgia And this is like a local startup

It's a different kind of Atticus I thought this was a school kind of Atticus But instead it's a simple country lawyer kind of Atticus Yeah, his dad is definitely named Beauregard So founder Atticus Le Blanc Along with his friends Yeah, just like Bradford Hawk and Doc Just all of the E1 characters

Yeah, believes that affordable housing should exist for everyone And shouldn't be a barrier to building your life Okay Sounds good so far How is this going to end with somebody jacking off in my house? So this next line is from an article entitled This co-housing startup wants to help the working class No, no, no

I always trust it when rich guys want to help the working class It's never gone wrong before Especially with a startup Every startup that a rich guy says This is going to be like a social impact company It always goes through that way That always gets borne out When you said a rich guy is going to help the working class get housing

I was skeptical But when you told me his name was Atticus Le Blanc Milo, there is so much more This guy, if you're listening to this show And you don't watch episode one You should watch, listen to episode one But this guy is an episode one character In every way

Like as I go through more of this information It will be more obvious Sure, you live in a flat share But you can VR yourself into a Sims mansion You know he ran for the school board of Decatur in 2014 And got owned Yes, that's very satisfying A Yale guy found that out

I just found his picture And he looks like he gets beat up at folk shows Okay, I'm sliding into this So Pad Split is a digital housing marketplace That allows private landlords To convert single family homes Into affordable co-living residences No

Okay, so they've invented a flop house That's what's happened here But it's a slum But like a woke slum The revolutionary concept of putting Romanians on bunk beds But there's like a sign on the door That's like, remember, don't say the n-word These residences are fully furnished

Renovated to specific standards It doesn't say what the standards are Just that they're specific Including private bedrooms Alongside a shared kitchen and a common space Many ask Leblanc What makes this different from a traditional boarding house Which is illegal

And he says Shut up Boarding house illegal Well, it's because it's like a single family home That you can't have a boarding house Jesus, you weren't kidding about this guy's friends Also having E1 names He founded his like construction company

With Stan Sugerman So it's basically like it's illegal to like Rent single rooms with shared spaces You have to like, in Georgia You have to give people like full flats at least Oh, okay Oh, that's not illegal here We don't love that shit, eh?

Unless it's like zone to be a dormitory or something Okay, can I just read his Twitter bio real quick? Dad, husband, and entrepreneur Amateur philosopher Yes Want to be singer Cool Housing nerd with a bias for action

Oh my god, that's terrible, man You can tell like, there's a lot of people that go for that bio And they're like a generic businessman Like where they don't do it Like if they, people ask them what they do They just say I'm a businessman Because they can't explain their insane companies And you can tell

You meticulously write your very weird profile Where you're very much like a predatory capitalist And you're trying to look as soft and woke as possible So that no one yells at you I love pickling things and also exploiting the poor That's like a thing Russians do when they don't even have a business Like a guy who like drives a taxi Or say like, I'm a businessman

Like what do you do? I'm a taxi driver So wait, that's just lying? Look, I provide services People pay me for these services Because Russians are liars You heard it here first That's fucking right So what's the difference between hitchhiking and ride hailing?

He asked me when I posed the question It's a question of legitimacy So essentially he's just like I'm wearing a Toga Asking me about the form of forms Fuck off So effectively what's happened here is He's saying that, look

Because my company has a website And isn't just a bunch of flop houses It's legal Okay, well I guess it must be legal Because otherwise they probably would have stopped him Gestures to the entire pat catalog of this pocket It must be like fig leaf legal They must be it

The Georgia Flop House Investigation Division Are fully on their shit Four guys in windbreakers With like neck rolls Are like on this guy's fucking case Georgia Flop House is dark chapper So Leblanc Believes this country has a serious

Affordable housing problem And innovative solutions are needed Innovative solutions, not needed We know the solutions We need innovative solutions The good ones aren't going to help me No Because just building a house

No, trying to sort of Magic a house with some legalese And some renovations to an existing Single family home That helps me Atticus Leblanc The correct approach is to do the sitcom style Putting a line of tape Down the middle of the living room

And saying this half is mine I can do whatever I want here Also that's going to be how America heals its political divide By putting resistance libs Living with QAnon people And then A, that creates entertainment programs And B, they can overcome the political divide

They have a law in common They both believe in mad conspiracy theories So he also loves talking about How his startup is great Because it involves no recourse to public funds For building houses I felt very strongly that If you want to solve the affordable housing crisis

You wrote a way to demonstrate to the private market How affordable housing could be as profitable Than market rate housing Because if you could demonstrate that To the private market, then guess what? Everyone would do it And you would start to dig yourself out of this massive hole We've created for ourselves in terms of the lackable affordable housing

In our country So for the cost of a federal subsidy for a single unit He says, pad split can create 50 slums Cool I don't see any downside to this I presume he didn't actually use the word slum He said units, but yeah, essentially slums But then if you actually look at what's happening

All of the landlords for pad split Technically qualify For housing subsidies From the federal government And also he builds them all in what are called Opportunity Zones Where you don't pay federal taxes if you buy property And start a business there

He's fucking Joe Swinson It's a Swin Zone, baby So, you know, if you were thinking, oh Housing wallets It seems like a regulatory dodge You'd be right And it's also a tax grab Cool, that fucking rules

What I love about these people is that It's hard to tell with Atticus Leblanc I'm airing on the side of stupid guy Like I don't think he's an evil guy, I think he's a stupid guy Because he genuinely doesn't realize That there are competing priorities When it comes to providing something like affordable housing

And he's like, look, I've just made it So there's affordable housing And it's profitable somehow Don't ask me where that profit came from It must have come from being efficient It must have come from making the rooms The size of rat cages That can't be it

It's 100% evil, I'm going the evil route Because he's a southerner With the name of a three musketeer Which means he's evil It's like an old school cavalier He definitely owns like a white horse That he rides around on It says here he just raised

10 million dollars So I'm going to go with evil Yeah, see Branson's got this one I'm afraid Milo because here's the next bit of information He was the co-founder of a company Called Striant Investments LLC Which sounds like Jacob Wall owns it

And also Striant Construction and Management And here everybody Brace yourselves for the next sentence Like hold on to something I'm not joking He has been an affordable housing Advocate and investor since 2008 When he began acquiring Distressed single family homes

In south-west Atlanta Okay I love to acquire a distressed family home In 2008 You know just from South Atlanta I bet it's the rich part Probably When you call it a distressed family home

It makes it sound like it's on an old Indian burial ground Or something You say advocate but mean collector I think he's You know what he is That's why he's bought so much of it He wants everyone else to get in They're so affordable he owns hundreds of them

It literally is he wants other people to get in on it Because he says look You can just be a slumlord There's a loophole, a regulatory loophole You can just do it I'm just a simple country slumlord He's creating slum feudalism He wants to be a slum liege

You can just call Anything a start-up now And everyone's just going to assume it's better It's a start no this is a start-up You guys are wrong Yeah no it's not a slumlord That chops up pre-existing houses And then you know

Rent a profit it's a start-up There's an app so It's fine There's a website so here's So he says pad split was founded in 2017 After earning a grant from Enterprise Community Foundation And now he's talking about

Affordable housing competition So essentially What actually happened is It was started with Either public or social investment money There's a certain legal definition That varies country to country and state to state But usually

If you're engaged in social investment So in the U.S. you're a B corporation Then essentially You're taxed at a lower rate anyway And if you're a social investor You'll be like an impact investor So there are funds around the country Where they say look we invest

And then we'll usually pay We'll pay out a return for the people Whose assets we're managing on the basis of Financial performance yes but also The hitting of certain Community goals So for example the investment might pay out It's full value if the charity

It's funding like houses 30 people or whatever So it's a way to try to marketize And so pad split is mainly founded By funded by that stuff And given what I've just said about it Should probably demonstrate That all of that is complete horse shit

Oh he's a damn fucking weekly rentals guy Which is just fucking awful Cause it's great if you're a young kid In Atlanta and your mom's Working three jobs you can move 30 fucking times before you're 18 And still be in the same house He is according

To his LinkedIn a big picture guy With a lot of real estate Construction knowledge You didn't say that we've been trashing This guy but it's a big oh You need a big picture to get that whole Forehead in that's what I'll say A conviction to improve our communities

And one of his Induced skills Is a cold calling So all together seems like a cold guy And you know what else I'm sorry but the cheek of calling it A pad instead of a house That is the last drop for me

It's very 90s Just chillin with the dudes at the pad Who are the dudes that are bunching Immigrants that you don't know The thing is he actually is He was able to come up with all of these Interesting regulatory dodges to provide all of these slums We can't legally call them houses

They're pads Because they don't pass any regulations It may look to you like a drainage It's a pad Remember if the inspectors Come around legally it's a kennel Start woofing motherfucker So he's actually

Saved a lot of time because He's never had to like waste all his Time picking up a hand sanitizer And putting it on to his hand Putting it back down closed that's like four things This is a guy who could really benefit from The hand sanitizer spider man There's one rule of living in this building

Do not let the mailman in Get a fucking on to me man Listen we chopped up The basement into seven different sections Just try to find your way around There's a minotaur down there We don't know what to do There's a very nice Austrian family

So he actually has it You're not gonna believe this shit He wrote a piece in Forbes Entitled house systemic racism Exists in US housing policies Cause you created it I don't think we can give him that much credit I mean he's reinforcing it

He's doing his best to help So let's see One more thing about pad split Which is they have a new product line As a result of covid So don't worry If you're worried about the looming eviction crisis in America Pad split is here to help

Is there a room that automatically Miss you with hand sanitizer? It automatically missed you with covid Pad split According to little Blanc Leads the charge in privatizing affordable housing And creating a new model For people to

I love that he just said that sentence out loud As though that sounds good to anyone Yeah he's like no we want to privatize it We want to take it away from you So it's owned by us The blog post that he did on Forbes Before house systemic racism Exists in US housing policies

A week before Was weekly rent payments a better for everyone Is that I mean I feel like that's not true It's fucking a hundred percent not true I used to work at a group home in Chicago And I worked for an adoption agency now In Jersey

And like the fucking The biggest destabilizing thing Is fucking kids moving Constantly I had so many kids that would just be like Alright we move every single year And now if you have that magnified By week by week

So that you can evict people quicker Is probably the whole reason for it Check this out Let me read you some of this article What day of the week is it This is how he opens it I'm guessing that in spite of your He's got a brain parasite

This guy's just Joe Biden Who's president Listen Mac what day of the week is it I'm guessing that in spite of your tangled Work at home schedule with one day blending Into the next during quarantine I'm still able to answer this question How about if I ask you

Which day of the week the first Of next month falls on Unless you happen to be reading this At the end of the month or staring at a calendar This answer probably isn't On the tip of your tongue Yet nearly every landlord In the world expects their tenants

To pay their bill and budgets around The first day of each month Wait hold on hold on Alice Are you saying that Given what Olive Branson has said About how harmful like weekly Brent payments tend to be The justification for why he says

Yes but what you get is This day of the week thing It's substantially more evil than that Two other highlights from this Unfortunately in more than A decade as owner and manager Of hundreds of residential properties I've seen multiple occasions where

Households living paycheck to paycheck Decide to pay a utility bill Or even a cable bill Before they pay their rent In some of these cases it's led To an eviction Just a naturally occurring Eviction yeah yeah

It's also just a great mentality To have the rent constantly Do yeah yeah Oh god fuck Well here's what Leblanc is going to do Now he wants to because like if you think About like the slum lord Privatization mentality is like

Look I'm not going to capture the big I'm not going to capture the right Of the value curve right I'm not going to get Sort of the where most of the wealth Is I'm going to get the long tail But you think that that sounds Very bad but have you considered When I started creating weekly

Vills for residents I found That the cadence made budgeting Significantly easier for them Oh because it's On one occasion On one occasion When's the rent due because it's due every day On one occasion after a resident

Had been able to save enough money To purchase the car I received A personal thanks for teaching her How to budget even Fuck off Fuck you buddy Thank you landlord Tip your landlord at the end of the year

Make sure to get them something nice On Christmas This is me just like a mediocre New York club coming guy like hey guys Get your landlords alright have a good night Fuck off The logic he's using here is the same logic as like Oh it's really difficult to remember

Just how much rent you owe every month So just give us all of your money Directly to us and then we'll give you the money That's not right Randlord and Georgie named Asakus as being paternalistic No So here's the last thing America needs a new daddy

Jesus Christ This is probably the biggest piece of shit we've talked about on here We nearly let this one go We were like no he seems dumb But whatever and you Dick into this a little bit and it's like No actually I'm getting thank you cards For making the rent every week now

So what he wants to do Is he wants to create the Airbnb Of Boarding houses Just stop calling things the Airbnb Of things just please stop So we're basically He wants to have an owner occupied pad

Split where you can use Pad split to rent any room In your house weekly long term He wants to be the Airbnb Of something but it's more the quibi of Just slum lords Also that's just Airbnb Living like having a house and renting out

The rooms that's for short periods on the internet That's just Airbnb That's what that is Tell Atticus LeBlanc that Because he's rebranded Airbnb As how you find your house And hey maybe you live one place one week And one place the next

And they're fully furnished With whatever they had At the closest IKEA or target With paintings that just say like ATL Or just together Just good Airbnb decorations But you only you live there

And it's one week Absolutely and you but the great thing is You're never gonna get too much shock Because yeah when you move into another pad split That's like down the street It has all the same stuff Yeah exactly It's not the same Jonathan Saffron 4 books on display

The same one succulent Yeah the fake succulent That somebody has still tried to water Oh and of course It's got the broken Coffee maker that doesn't and maybe has never worked Yeah the one pod coffee maker Who have a child's amount of coffee

That's right I love that Either you own the company pad split Or you live in a pad split Over a long enough time scale that's what it is What about the bottle of ketchup that's like burgundy Drink yourself down to the size of a borrower And live in this doll's house

It's cost effective The worst thing I always noticed about Airbnb Was whenever I'm in I gotta go to New York right I got the hot pipe Right and every Airbnb is right by the toilet That's like a feature I feel like you have to have in Airbnb

Yeah I got the hot pipe Scalding hot and I'm a big guy I got long legs and you know it's scorching up there Yeah you need to That's also going to be great right Like because there's No regulation of a pad split It's technically a single family home

Yeah he's just forcing you into a family Which is extremely funny for like Pollicularies The definition of a single family In Atlanta Is hang on A single family is up to Six unrelated people plus another

Four as long as the latter occupy No more than two rooms Welcome to the family Yuri Enjoy your room I have to list you as my son Now on the census It's only six people but also Another four But they're not included in the six

There are just four other people there Atlanta Housing Commission of France Kafka Yeah Four of whom are cockroaches They don't count don't worry about them So the thing is right I sometimes like to

I like to try to have a little bit of a vegetable In every startup which in this case The vegetable is It's completely funded by social impact investing And it appears to just be a slum app So you know That investing appears to be horse shit At least in this case

He owns his own sweater vest You're telling me that this man Isn't Mr. Fucking Autumn Man Isn't nice Well this is the thing That got us like you know Michelle Obama is Mr. Rogers

Elizabeth Warren appears to be a kindly preschool teacher And everyone's just lapping it up It's the triumph of aesthetics over substance Attic has got the idea for pad split While watching Alph That's right A remake of kindergarten cop Where the Arnold Schwarzenegger character

Is played by Elizabeth Warren And then he's going up Elizabeth Warren's going up to kids in a bad Austrian accent And going what is your mommy's name And what does she do So let's talk about What if Alph paid rent He should be paying rent to the family

And then he was bored So let's talk about Heka H-E-K-A This one is not at all evil It's just very fun Heckin' woofer Shut the fuck up Hecka

H-E-K-A I'm going to throw back to our guest For the first guess What do you think that does Hecka, okay well First response is usually wrong with me And I think it's going to be some obnoxious Like meme dog thing

Hecka's probably one of those fake words they use now When you make a start up You need like a beboo Or a quibi or something made up So I'm guessing Heka will be something Not necessarily It's going to be some tech app That seems like multi-level marketing

I'm going for that Okay, I'd say conceptually You are in the correct ballpark I'm going to throw over to Olga now Okay, Heka Two things, first of all It's kind of like a Scandinavian to me So something I don't know

Whether it's like from a Scandinavian country Or like minimalist or whatever Interesting Another thing I'll say is that a lot of the time They will take an app that sounds like a word already And I'm getting health Yes So it's sort of multi-level marketing

And reselling and it's to do with health It's health and it's British So it's a laser that scans your face When you walk into a bathroom to determine Where you are That would be very British, but no In this case, I'm afraid that is not correct Alice, can you take us home

With what you think Heka is In the knowledge that it is Absolutely not evil at all It's not evil, but it's health related That's a narrow niche Because all of the health stuff is evil Does it like Monitor your butthole?

Are we back to that again? No, it's not Heka For a happier, healthier Humans We're right back at square one That doesn't give us anything Does happy mean like a mental health thing?

What is Mental health is a big part of this But it's not the entire thing It monitors how many Stoogies you smoke in one day What is Heka? It's as good job you enjoy that Stoogie What is Heka? Heka is a belief

That each human is unique I don't think it is a belief I think we're going to find out what it is And that we can work with the power of the individual To inspire them to be all that they can be Who the fuck religion? It's a cocaine subscription service Heka does make you believe in yourself

Much more than whatever this is Heka is also for everyone What lights my fire This is also This is also This is something that an E1 character would have come up with You've given us no information This is sounding a bit kinky

It just sounds like a nexium So far Where does the branding Like literal physical branding With a brand come into this It is a little triangle But the bottom of the triangle Is slightly elevated so it doesn't actually

Join the rest of the triangle I'm looking forward to getting that marked on my fucking Like finger web I guess Heka is also for everyone What lights my fire Puts rind in my sails And gets my wheels turning Will not be the same as for you

Everyone has a different sweet spot And we're committed to helping each human find their spark It's not a sex thing It's not a sex thing Do you put the triangle in you? The most uncomfortable triangle I'd like to go to the office And be like guys do you want me to put this in me

Or what are we doing here What's going on with this Heka I haven't used Heka for weeks I've still not found my sweet spot I am bleeding from the anus though Heka is different for everyone But Heka is for everyone This is just a riddle man

What the fuck This is just a religious I have a mouth but do not speak Heka is a lifestyle We take every single human At their starting point Whether they're an early riser, a night owl Or a city commuter

This is surely An alarm clock Is it all children It is also a sleep thing It's also a bit of a mental health thing It's an alarm clock I would be more comfortable if it was a sex thing This is pissing me off

Does Liz Warren come out of your phone And read you a bedtime story It's such bad writing Imagine the blurb for your company You're this far down and you still have No idea Pitching it, I'd be snapping my fingers I'd be like, let's go buddy, come on

I'll join your religion I'll put it in me, just what do you want me to do And I'll do it How long do you think this elevator ride is It's a triangular Bible that you stick in your anus Just get to the point It's not an object, the logo is the triangle This is how they get people to join

Just stop talking, I'll join Here's my money Heka is real change Oh my god We believe One little thing leads to another A small change to a larger Real change in being, thinking

Or mind or mood I have another real hint here now This is a honey trap Designed by DARPA to ensnare podcasters We've definitely spoken Some kind of activation phrase at this point Branson, do you Feel any kind of need

To engage In some kind of political subversion Now that you've heard that? Yeah, sure, I don't know I don't know what's going on I'm in the middle of the air, man I'm waiting for my feet To hit the ground I'm just destabilizing

I'm feeling like I'm going to get a job at a book Depository I'm feeling Manchurian over here Through the Heka dashboard You'll witness how humans in your team Are inspired to be healthier And happier one by one Stop saying humans

It makes you sound like an alien What's team? It's called the people Is this like something to make your co-worker stop Smoking? Yeah, Branson, yes, that's part of it Okay, your Atticus-issued

Polycule will have a Heka Where you all get together and do self-criticism Of each other for like Smoking Oh, it's a struggle session I really wish Yuri Would stop eating all the red cabbage On his side of the living room

It stinks up the whole place So I'm going to do With all of that poetry being read And knowing that it involves a dashboard And humans in your team I'm going to do one more round of guesses As to what we think it is, then I'll tell you Is it like basically a WhatsApp group

That has to be, no, that's what it is It's scolding Is it like an addict-anonymous thing But it's online? No, it's for businesses That want to have financial incentives For their employees To go to the gym and stop smoking

Yes So it's just vitality health insurance But related to your job I've worked for non-profits for a very long time Yeah, you're very good at this They Will never pay you more money But you get all these incentives

You'll make like 28k a year And you get all these Incentives where you get like Free therapy over the phone You get real borderline Awful health care You get to take a cooking class

If you put in this code And that's all the incentives you get You will just be poor But you have all these great amenities It's 100% something That somebody who runs a non-profit Will be like, can this still be nice? That's exactly it

That's precisely what it is So they offer a mindfulness app No Life coaching Yeah, get off this fucking app Yoga, which is fine A gong bath Oh, gong bath

Is that a bath for your gong? Alright, hold up Is that like a gong bath? I'm dying of diabetes It's either that or it's real racist I'm gonna google No, it's just you lie in a room And then someone hits a gong

And then you bathe in the sound Alright, I googled gong bath And the first thing that came up is a vice article So I'm closing the browser This is fucking This is pizza gay shit, right? The gong bath is suspiciously expensive And they're not sure why all these wealthy people keep signing up

This is what was a normal talk about what goes on It was a gong bath It's a boring ayahuasca Yeah, exactly Bonging ayahuasca You also can do tai chi Or sound healing, which is somehow A different category from the gong bath

It's a different kind of sound And also reiki, which is Where someone sort of hovers their hands over you Sound healing is where they just Play you limp biscuit songs until you feel better So reiki rocks, I love watching reiki videos It's like you watch a bunch of reiki videos And then YouTube will automatically

Recommend like cat refuses to walk over the Quran It's just the best part of the internet So they have a couple of good blog posts How to support the mental health And work life balance of employees working remotely They say stuff like focus on internal motivation Use accessibility to inspire

Use choice to empower Do a zoom gong At no point At no point ever I mean obviously at no point is pay them More going to be on the list of things to do Because that wouldn't make hecka any money But you know, that's what they say

It's made to combat The federal government invested Two billion dollars to fight the Sunday Scaries And this is part of that One thing I will say Is if we had elected Marianne President of the US

This would be the only government agency Oh yeah Yeah for sure Yeah the United States gong inspector So The gong inspector also goes through your medication And make sure you're not taking antidepressants And also

If you make sure you're not like Sneaking illegal symbols into raves So what else do we have We have a legal symbol We have hecka also supplies A maslow's hierarchy of needs pyramid Oh for fuck's sake They say so for your physiological need

You can support your people To fulfill these needs by providing them with How do we guess that they provide the Support for physiological needs Does anyone guess that it's money Anyone at all No good, correct These are the knowledge and tools to sleep well

And guidance on having a healthy diet So you can fulfill people's physiological needs With tools like meditation apps I love to be miserable and underpaid And try to like eat something that tastes Good to make myself feel better And be scolded by a person With a fucking gong

Yeah you're trying, they'll just go Listen, technically a human being It's healthy to eat dog food You can live for a long time On just dog food I'm trying to eat like a fucking candy bar And I just hear a The logical conclusion of this is that

You're just going to get tracked For eating wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches And you get $5 off your paycheck Every single time you eat one My humans always want to eat wet food But the dry food is better for them I try to replace the wet food with God

What we've invented is the public morality law From demolition man I had a job real quick Because I actually got paid $13 more Every two weeks If I promised I didn't smoke on one of these What

I got $13 more on my paycheck Every week if I promised that I did not smoke cigarettes I mean, did you? No, but you know Even if I did I would have said yes Or a snitch on myself That's how this is going to go

This is the end game Did you take your gong bath Before logging on to work? Yeah, you get $10 more Sorry I was late for work My gong bath ran long This reminds me My friend who works at

WeWork Do the festival Or whatever they used to They're not allowed to have meat on the premises At all Not even a little bit You can't even bring your dick on the premises Sneaky salami into

WeWork summer camp To listen to, I don't know A gong bath Or one of these motivational speakers You're all joining hands And drinking the flavor aid afterwards Yeah, that's when you're like I say on the form that I don't smoke cigarettes

Because I only smoke Stoogies And I spend the $26 a month on more Stoogies We saw it on the Sunday stream And these things, Milo's mind Things just burrow into it Unpredictably My mind is a slop bucket And periodically it overflows

And stuff will flow It was the shortest video we watched that night But it was Arnold Schwarzenegger talking to camera Talking about his cigars And saying I don't give a shit I'm ballsy, I'm a stud And this apparently infected Milo

I just love I just love Arnold's voice Have you ever seen Pumping Iron? Oh yeah, I love that I love when he talks about coming I'm coming, I'm coming all the time That's the coolest thing you can fucking say Basically my life

Is a 24-7 Orgasm Not bad! I'm sure it is People ask on the form if I smoke I say no, I'm too busy coming I'm coming right now It'd be fun to just have to lose Like, well, you know, I'm sorry family

We can't order pizza tonight Because I lost $40 Because Yuri in the basement Smoked a cigarette and now I lost my family non-smoking benefits Hey, sorry, excuse me, um Who touched my gong bath? Um, it's not

Yuri, you're not allowed to masturbate in my gong bath It's for gonging only If you want to use it for gonging That's fine For anything else, that's inappropriate Every one of these family cells And also hecker teams Must contain one Ukrainian man

Who refuses to cooperate To serve as an agent of chaos So, I've got one more One more quick one And this one is Just very funny Because I've long had a question In the back of my mind that I've never been able to answer

And this company answered it for me And it's all so funny This is all so funny Because I found it on one of these roundups Of like top 100 startups or whatever That get done all the time Like, if you want to know how I find the startups In this show, that tends to be one of the best ways to do it

Yeah Kiss FM's top 100 startups Effectively, this was on a list that had about The methodological rigor of Kiss FM's 100 top startups So, this startup is called Crown and PAW Uh, it's a furry pub

Is it the new Fast and the Furious movie? No, this is definitely a restaurant Yeah, it's a Furry themed pub Like harvesters, but all the servers wear like Fur suits Or it's like a knighthood service But for your pets

Uh, Olga's closest They have a deconstructed shepherd's pie Crown and foot or whatever Crown and paw It's something pet related And it's something to do with nobility This is incredibly stupid It's very stupid, it's the dumbest thing ever

You can get your pet a knighthood Yeah, that's what I'm thinking, the 23 and me Yeah, 23 and me for your dogs It's turn your pet into a renaissance Masterpiece Oh shit, okay, yeah Yeah, there we go No way

What was this doing on a roundup of 100 startups I'll never know They paid to be honest Why is it called Crown and Paw? I want to find out if my golden retriever is 10% just Portuguese That's like a dissonant I want to see if my golden retriever has

An inferior brain path What this is right Is they say Crown and Paw is a fun loving Custom pet goods brand dedicated to helping Pet owners express their love, admiration And even obsessiveness with their beloved Pets My pet

Unless it saved you from a burning building Like you're talking about something Most of the time you're aware of it licking its own Asshole and you're going to be like Yeah man, I really look up to this thing This is 100% something my mom would do 100% So they say we curate

Authentic 19th century portraits And rare Renaissance-era oil paintings And combine them with photos Of your pets to make a beautiful print It's Photoshop They don't even paint it No That's correct

It's you upload a photo and our team of Incredibly talented artists will do the rest Our team of Macedonian Teenages That fucking tween annoying At least fucking paint it And here's The thing is I saw this

And I was like pa I don't give a shit about this I only like startups that are like funded I like to talk about startups that tend to be Well funded and If not like commercially viable Then at least like a real thing Successful as like the metric of raising funding

Goes Yeah, because I think it's more interesting to talk Than just every random scammy internet business But this one really really Got to me because After just a small amount of digging It answered a lot of questions Because there are large Facebook groups

Big ones Dedicated to people ripped off by crown and paw No They deserve it The painting case getting older And the dog stays the same age Made my dog look like a slut So it's owned by this guy

Called Adam My dogs never wore a neck rough This is ridiculous It's owned by a guy called Wait so someone sends in their portrait A picture of their pet just because they want it printed They don't want any of the renaissance stuff He misunderstood

You made my pet look like Philip the second I wanted him to look like a Hapsburg Wait Adam what? He is a He lives in Newcastle And

This answers for me a question I've always had Which is like sometimes on your YouTube ads or at least on mine Because I'm constantly looking up scammy businesses So YouTube must think I'm a mark You'll get a video that's like I made over $120,000 Developing clients online

Last month joined my seminar And I'll show you how to do it That shit rocks I love that shit Gary Vee those guys Adam Peter Reid is one of those guys Oh I'm on his Udemy course right now 24 year old graduate and entrepreneur With a wealth of experience in online business

You kind of have a wealth of experience you're 24 You're a dumbass Since the age of I also have the same Udemy profile here so he basically Says he focuses on e-commerce Shopify dropshipping and print on demand Business models his achievements To date include six figure Shopify store

Valuations and generating over A million dollars in revenue with Shopify Dropshipping and so by doing this He also owns other companies Called Noble and Posh And Iconic Pa All of which do the same thing All of which have litinies of complaints against them

Oh he's doing black water but for Something like really benign Like just like every time it gets in trouble Just renaming the company Also there's some that means there's some Fuck a guy out there that keeps ordering paintings Of his dog The renaissance dog

I gotta go to the next one Noble and Paul can't be worse than Crown And Paul Throwing another renaissance picture of my dog Into the trash and frustration Next to the other two I don't want my dog to look like Anne of Cleves I have taste

There's absolutely an obscure fucking Law enforcement agency That is on this guy's trail too Like that's the only reason he would Have to keep changing it right Yeah the manga and painting inspector So it's He keeps getting F ratings from the

Better Business Bureau but also you Can use like I'm not saying he did do this I don't know but you can also use Like a Shopify plugin To just delete all the bad reviews But you can't do that with the Better Business Bureau So we just can't stop getting Fs So that's I find I've never known

I've never known I always respect that level Of just fuck it Just scuminess With the Atticus guy who's trying To be like woke and trying to Present his stuff as a positive thing He's just a worm that should be like

With this guy you kind of just embrace I find myself embracing Just the Fuck-it-ness of it all Or at least I can respect that He is never going to stop doing this I would also like to say that at Newcastle University he started an event called

Hashtag Tiger Wednesdays It doesn't say what Is it Tiger Woods related? It doesn't say anything about what it is But then the description of what it is There's a literal tiger run for your life Yeah it's an exercise It's available in HECA it's an exercise program

We cover you in gazelle blood You're completely naked there's a tiger in the club It's black out So if you can survive In business So how these companies all work Is basically he just has the same contractual Relationships with different drop

Shit printers in Malaysia And then he has a U.S. post box And it's all the same U.S. Post box And he just re-registers A new company when the old one gets An F on the business bureau So I worked at the

UPS store for about Six months There are so many Businesses That are just completely Fake that will just rent a mailbox So if anyone looks up their business They come to the UPS store

And then if So they probably be like I'm sorry They're supposed to be this here I'm like oh well I can't say blah blah blah And they'll be like well if it's registered here I have a complaint and I'm like I work at the UPS store I don't know what the fuck to tell you man I don't know what happened

I don't know Like I didn't paint your dog I didn't make him look Like fill up the second What I will say though is I deliver A lot of those dog paintings and they don't look good Yeah so that's the thing We used to be

That our scammy companies were just like this Almost charming Pet Renaissance painting dropshipping Not scam exactly but certainly It's a victimless crime though This is a victimless crime Go ahead and do it

Mr Simpson we just make dog paintings here Yeah You made my golden retriever look like he's from Sardinia I said Duke of Brabant Like okay fuck you You deserve to have your money stolen What are people's complaints though Is it that they don't receive them

Is that they don't receive their poor quality I find it You would feel like there would be a consistent thing Either he's not sending any of them Or he's sending all of them It's how dropshipping works Some of your dropshipping partners Will be reliable but you know

Slapdash and other of the dropshipping partners Will just not do it Anyway I really like Crown and Paw and Noble and Posh And iconic paw because it's clearly just this guy Being oh wow another F on the Better Business Bureau How about the

Regal Tail There we go that is the next one $1000 The same 200 people I assume I will one day Go into the fireplace And then you just order a new one

With every failed Renaissance painting of their dog They just get hungrier and hungrier For the perfect Renaissance painting of their dog Cause it's being denied them It's the ultimate forbidden fruze I swear to god

If you don't make On this occasion my labradoodle Looked like a holy Roman emperor There is gonna be Trouble You're the fourth company I have tried I have had problems I would like to start a business where it's like

Bismarck but with a dog's body Oh right the other way So you could put your dog's ass On like Gustavus Adolphus That's right Dog penis You know I've also noticed We're running up to time here

So I think I would like to say Afraid of talking about Napoleon's dog penis So I think I'd like to say Thank you very much For coming on the podcast And everyone must listen to episode one It is the funniest podcast that is currently made

And Branson you also have It's true You also have some news Oh yeah I'm getting a book published November 10th called Water Wasted Congratulations Not self publishing this one

It's You gotta get published through a drop shipper In Malaysia I ordered Water Wasted and it looked nothing Like my dog Well the editor wasn't a strong English speaker So there's a lot of things that kind of got lost

It was translated into Malaysian And then back into English And the whole thing But you know it's out there now Look a Malaysian Xerox store Is still a publisher It was using a now defunct version Of a translate program

Which was proprietary by Alta Vista We finally found Ian Miles Chong's day job That's right I'm contractually obligated Through a contract I could not read To mention a variety Of different Malaysian soft drinks That I'm not sure

Yeah anyway Dog penis light So check out Water Wasted Check out E1 Branson once again thank you very much for coming on And oh yeah this can be a free episode So you know what it is It's the standard thing, there's a Patreon

There's a $5 episode That comes out in a couple of days You also know that UK renters union As well on this I think they need a lot of money as well But bail funds you know That all hasn't ended

Some of my fellow countrymen are still in jail Marcus Braun We're raising money for the landlords union We're raising money for the tenants union So they can buy a present for their landlords With the eviction crisis Lots of landlords have lost their health insurance Surprise your landlord

If you're gonna get him a bottle of wine You gotta realize these landlords aren't drinking The night tray And they're not drinking the $10 bottle of wine You guys are getting Gotta get him something nice, $50 minimum He needs Chateau Latour Because of his big delicious

Landlord steaks Why not surprise your landlord with a huge gong bath In the middle of the night Why not surprise your landlord with a picture of your Dog's penis as Louis Cato's So look Donate to all that stuff And I'm sure that we'll get a gong bath

From Marcus Braun Who's an incarcerated comrade That's our episode by the way A gong bath from Marcus Braun There we go It came late but we got it Also you know the t-shirts You know the deal, we say it every week

Otherwise, thank you and see you later Buy a trashy t-shirt, get a free Stoge It's so weird that it's the Arnold place It's just so bizarre It's out of nowhere Please dear lord buy my vinyl On my website www.rockandrollga.com Well goodbye everyone

Once upon a time There's a game that we play And when they're down At the hogplatz Then you know It's match day It's all over The East Indies

And it's down in Harlem streets And they're breaking out The polish But it's not for Their cleats Put down Your work clogs And pick up your glove

Stand on the Home honk It's time to fall in love Honk ball, hoof to cluster On my radio Tonight I hear the team Announcements

And I know the time is right And I know I must Say it though I feel it in the air A homerun For Rotterdam's Dirk Van Bier Saturday night

Honk ball, hoof to cluster I'm feeling alright Honk ball, hoof to cluster Strap on your cleats Honk ball, hoof to cluster Stand on the Home Honk ball, hoof to cluster

On my radio Tonight I hear the team Announcements And I know the time is right And I know I must Say it though I feel it in the air

A homerun For Rotterdam's Dirk Van Bier For Rotterdam's Dirk Van Bier I hear the team Announcements And I know the time is right

And I know I must Say it though I feel it in the air A homerun For Rotterdam's Dirk Van Bier For Rotterdam's Dirk Van Bier

For Rotterdam's Dirk Van Bier