TRASHFUTURE - It Integrates With Your Current Ass System!

Episode Date: August 4, 2017

The garbagemen are back and boy do we have a mass noun for ourselves. Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@milo_edwards), and Charlie (who doesn't want to be disturbed #online) talk about more wifi connected bullshit, a butt plug that protects you from avalanches, the conspiracy in your IoT enabled smart home to have you killed, outsourcing caring for a dying relative, a celebration of microchipping day, and excitedly queuing up to get on Admiral Steven Seagal's boat. We also demonstrate a special kind of "super brain yoga" that may help solve the healthcare crisis in the states or just give you sweaty palms. more like sweater PALMERS. lol. Yet another of our "fabulous" remote episodes because Riley's in Canada because his dumb family wants to be all together or whatever. But fear not because he never. stopped. posting.

That's the thing. That is the thing. I don't think we want to date anyone who's listening. No, I really don't think we do, to be honest. Imagine listening to this. Seriously, imagine taking the time out of your day to do that. Yeah, it's a worrying state. What kind of freak would do that? I don't know, whatever kind of freak's doing that. Welcome to Trash Future, the podcast about how the future is trashed. The original three boys. Let me hear some names and social media handles.

The garbage men themselves. It's me, Milo Edwards. And me, Charlie Palmer. Hi. And me, Riley Quinn, who's going to bother giving his social media handle. You can find me at Raleh, R-A-L-E-H on Twitter. Yeah, you really need to spell that one out, don't you? Yeah, I didn't think that one through, really. You can find me at Milo Underscore Edwards, if you want. You can't find me. I've made sure of it.

Charlie has a very particular set of skills. No one's found me for years. This is all just an enormous ongoing coincidence. All right, so boys, I got a lot today. The world over the last few days, since we last recorded, has progressed to an even stupider dystopia than it was before. I like the idea that the world is getting worse so fast that actually there's noticeable difference between episodes.

Yeah, Riley actually can't keep up with it. It's getting so bad. It's like watching an apocalyptic film. Bruce Willis is like sprinting through this podcast, hopping over cracks in the road. Yeah, let's be honest, in this one it's probably Jason Bateman. Yeah, or like Tommy Lee Jones in a late career straight to DVD album. Like before No Country for Old Men and everyone started taking him seriously again. Yeah, what was that video about the film about the volcano,

which had Tommy Lee Jones in it? Yeah, definitely in that one. Do we have a boys' trip to watch that? No. I think what's happening is we are being chased down a hallway by an explosion, but the explosion is made up entirely of like Wi-Fi connected pillowcases. Yeah, sometimes more painful. Do you think that is the correct collective noun for Wi-Fi connected pillowcases?

An explosion of Wi-Fi connected pillowcases. It is, yeah. I had heard that. I'm currently trying to assemble the camera for the trailer, so don't mind me. This is Bruce or Riley, who's not going to be in the trailer. Oh, shit. You're going to be in it ordeally. Ordeally?

Orally with an 8U? Yeah, orally as everyone pronounces it, so it doesn't sound like a sex thing. I had a friend who got herpes in his ear once. Is that a true story? Yeah. Oh, boarding school. I think I've said all I need to say on the matter. All right, Riley, shall we cast?

Ooh, I think so. I have so much shit. The world is getting so evil and stupid that just to date this podcast, as I walked in to sit down and open up my computer with my show, well, what paltry show notes I make already made, a little thing popped up on my phone from The Guardian. Just say, oh, by the way, Trump has disallowed all transgender people from serving in the military.

It's still a, yeah. So just if anyone was curious, still a dystopia. Yeah, that's it. How do you ban transgender people from... I mean, like, how do you... I mean, I guess Trump can probably... Surely that can't be legal. I don't think it is, but I don't know.

Probably, it's not legal. It's like they've reinvented the Nuremberg defense as not like I was just following orders, but like I was just too congenitally stupid to understand what the law could possibly have been. That is what we're all about here. Oh, God, this camera is so wonky. What this camera is so wonky, like it really believes in means testing.

It's really good at making policy. Oh, that's a lot better, yeah. For any photography fans at home, I've turned on the lights. That has made a lot better. Okay, let's start filming this fucking now. My room is such a mess. This is just all going to be on the trailer. What you can't see is how much Milo's room looks like. The room of a 15-year-old boy.

He's got a full drum kit, a series of festival wristbands on a pin board, and a stadium Arcadian poster. The stadium Arcadian poster, which is great, because the drama of the Red Hot Chili Peppers in it looks especially like Will Ferrell, even more than he does impressively so. That's what I like in a poster.

I believe it's called Chad Smith. It's a chili on his helmet. Yeah, I don't think the members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers are called Red Hot Chili and Peppers, which is what it says across their four helmets. Oh, really? If that's where they got the band name from, that's amazing. Oh my God, we should form a band,

because our names, when you take them together, sound like a thing. So it's time, once again, like we do at the start of every show, apparently, to reach into Riley's horrifying shopping bag of late-stage capitalism. And today, I have pulled out something that isn't a kitchen gadget, which is different for me. I've pulled out something called the Smart Duvet Breeze.

Does it involve a duvet? Is it like a Wi-Fi-connected duvet that is being sold by Chris Brown at Team Breeze? I'll say this. One of some of the copy-ons' website, Smart Duvet offers you the latest innovation in the bedroom. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Delicious. A revolution that will change bed-making forever and the perfect addition to your smart home. If it doesn't have a big old butt plug in it, I'm going to be very disappointed. Exactly. How would a butt plug being attached to the duvet at all improve the function of a butt plug or a duvet?

Well, that's, I mean, connectivity for its own sake basically improves the world, doesn't it? If nothing else, that's what I've learned from this podcast. Well, I think that's what I learned from the film The Human Centipede. It just made me imagine someone running around with a duvet trailing out of their anus. Which is great. Which is great for retail butt plugs.

You can buy those butt plugs with tails on them, but they're just like a massive duvet. Is there a ball gag at the other end so you can actually form a chain link with several people and several smart duvet breezes? It could be like that coat that James Bond gets in the world is not enough where you pull a cord and it wraps a big inflatable ball around you

to protect from avalanches. So when you're running at full speed, if you stop suddenly, it just wraps you. That could go very wrong. Especially if you're one of those people who, for the sake of kinkiness, wears a butt plug to work and then accidentally has a bit of an anus squeeze and you end up invalid.

It bursts through your trousers. You don't want your colleagues to go, oh Christ, it's another one of those smart duvet breezes, isn't it? I'm going to tell you a little bit more about what the smart duvet breeze actually does. As far as I can tell, it does two things. It's connected to an electric box. That's the size of a router that goes underneath your bed.

And the new smart duvet breeze is the world's first dual-zone climate-controlled self-making bed. Note, it integrates with your current sleep system. My current sleep system, which is just a regular bed at a duvet, does it integrate by being put on top of it? Have you not got a smart mattress top of breeze yet? Everyone has one of those. Mine's in the post.

You can just use this of anything when you're on a date. I can integrate my penis with your current vagina system. It's compatible duvet. That's good, though. If your previous sleep system is running Windows XP. Is it compatible with really old pre-duvet technology, like layers of blankets and iderdowns? Manges.

So what it does is it controls the temperature in two areas, or you do on your phone because your duvet connects to your Wi-Fi. You control the temperature in two areas, because you can't just, I don't know, be half out of the bed a little bit. You can't just put your leg out like a normal human. And then it makes the bed for you in the morning. How? What?

Is duvet capable of self-propulsion? Does it have a child labourer inside it? Idea for a horror film. The smart duvet breeze starts making itself while people are still in the bed and suffocates them. This is another one of those things where it says it's going to, what it does is it has air pockets in that expand to roll the duvet up and sort of turn it into like a flat square, basically.

And it purports to save you a good deal of time in your life of all the time you've spent making your bed. I just don't make my bed. Yeah, the answer for that, kids, is don't make your bed. Yeah. So just to give a little bit of context, what do you think the manufacturer suggested retail price on this bad boy is? Ooh.

Price is right rules, closest without going over. What currency? US dollars. And remember, just so you know, this isn't actually a duvet. It's like a duvet add-on. It's like an app for your duvet. So you still have to supply your own duvet and duvet cover. I see.

It's compatible with your current duvet. It degrades with your current sleep system. Fuck. I think it is $312. Okay. Very specific. Okay, I'm going to go higher. I reckon it is $400.

We're going to go with Charlie on this one. It's $359. Oh, that's quite good. We were both close there. You just went over. Yeah. You've really gotten into the mindset of the insane people reinventing things that don't need to be reinvented. Well, I was just judging it by the price of my smart beanbag breeze that I have at home.

You need to supply your own beanbag. It integrates with your current arse system. It just fluffs up your current beanbag. It would be cheaper to just hire a Filipino than own any of these items. Or hire anyone else. Or anyone. Well, yeah. Yeah, I mean true.

I just feel like immigrant labor is cheaper. I'm not saying it should be. I'm just saying I think that's the way it is. Charlie, for the prize for guessing, do you know what you win? Do I win a smart duvet breeze? Close. You win me telling you some of the press clippings for the smart duvet breeze. Does that mean Milo can't hear them?

I have to put on their ear defenders and sit quietly in a corner. You've got some smart ear muff breeze for you. Integrating with your current ear muff system, it does. Okay. The first quote from Martha Stewart. This app will make your bed for you. That's just an explanation of what it does. Another press clipping from the...

Why Martha Stewart? That's like that bit in The Simpsons where they phone up Tom Clancy. And he's like, would I say that this book is a clear and present danger to your free time? I was like, no, I wouldn't say that. What do you mean I just did? Wait, don't hang up. Here's another of the press quotes. The Verge says, Raves, we demoed the first smart duvet at CES 2017.

Oh, well, that's it. They've not even given a review. That sentence might continue to say it was shit. It was absolute dog shite. It failed to integrate with our previous sleep system. And it killed my son. And there's also another review, which I assume they clipped all the racism out of from the Daily Mail. This smart duvet means you'll never argue with your partner again.

Why? Does it do marriage counseling as part of the... Like, well, you're in bed. It's like, now David, maybe you should try and see this from Helen's point of view. And it's like, thanks smart duvet plus breeze. Or it's just very likely to suffocate one or both of you. Thus integrating you with your son, who has also killed. It will integrate into your current marriage system.

The other quotes are a kind of focus on that. Could this duvet save your relationship? Control how warm or cool you want your side of the bed. Oh, that's why it does it in two places. So what does it actually, does it have like fans in it or something? How does it make the bed warmer or cooler? It actually integrates with your current fridge system. You have to put it in a fridge.

You can put only half of it in the fridge. So basically it just either blows heated air over you. Or it uses the same natural phenomenon to cool your body using evaporation. So really it just, it's either cooler or it's warmer and it costs a great deal of money. The way they phrase this is amazing, uses the same natural phenomenon. What of heating and cooling? It's all natural processes like heating, cooling, alpha irradiation. Additional features.

Smart duvet uses Wi-Fi technology so it can be activated remotely. I love that they've called it Wi-Fi technology. What is the word technology bringing to that sentence? Like there was previously like analog Wi-Fi that was like made of stone. Yeah. That was what the early version of the Smart Duvet Plus released in 1910. You had to shovel hot coals into it. You had to let it dry in the sun for a week.

And it came with a selection of punk wallers. It was made largely of Waffle and Dwarf. The control box stows easily under the bed. God, imagine a Waffle and Dwarf butt plug. No! I love that that like that is something which like, well, it's better than my current duvet control box, which is large and bulky. Yeah, I know. That's the difference. Oh God, guys, I've got a really good FAQ.

Number one, question one. FAQ is the Smart Duvet. Is the Smart Duvet noisy? I'll give you a spoiler. The answer isn't the word no. What is the answer? The noise level for the heating and cooling functions is low. About a small table fan. And the Smart Duvet breeze will also muffle the screams of everyone being suffocated under it. The bed making mode noise level is higher, but should not impact you as much.

As much, since the bed can be made when you're away. Shouldn't impact you as much as what? The suffocating problem. Yeah, that is an issue. I think on the website of the Smart Duvet plus breeze, it's not so much an FAQ as a fuck. It's not so much an FAQ. What the fuck is this? It's not so much an FAQ as a Q.

Yeah, yeah. No one frequently asks questions about the Smart Duvet plus. When someone tells me like, yeah, it's a magical duvet that heats and cools and makes itself. I have very few questions other than like, please leave. That's not a question. But no. I think they're going to have to update their FAQ based on this. But the only question is, seriously?

The only answer is, sorry. No, there should be another question. Is this affiliated with Chris Brown of Team Breezy? To which the answer will hopefully be no. Well, although I really hope it's yes. This would be such a weird career move, right? So, okay. I'm going to also tell you guys a little bit about the timeline.

There are four months in the timeline. It's a very quick thing. June 2017 is the Indiegogo launch. July 2017 is the, you know, create and manufacturing. August is the quality control. And you know what phase comes in September? Fulfillment. Fulfillment.

Finally, people's lives will be complete now that they have a cell. I don't think that's a phase I would experience if I possessed one of it. Is this the sort of thing I could see my mom actually liking this product? Well, I experienced fulfillment if the Indiegogo campaign crashes and burns. By September, I can watch its ashes crumble. Has it been accidentally combusted by a rogue smart duvet plus breeze? Is that in the FAQs? Will it set fire to my house?

Can it please set fire to my house? The answer is not just a no. It's like the fire level of the smart duvet plus breeze is low. And it's higher fire levels come when you're likely to be out. So this will affect you less. Can the smart duvet breeze make it look like an accident? It integrates with your current house fire system. The smart duvet breeze will do an excellent job of blaming your TV.

A closet for your children. We're going to move off the smart duvet breeze. But before we do that, we're going to do one more price is right. How much money do you think they've raised since like June? I think they've raised $120,000. Okay, Milo. Guys, you have so much more faith in humanity than I do. They've raised $797,276.

Chris Brown's a wealthy man. Yeah, I mean, who are these people who want a smart duvet? They're prepared not just to buy one, but to pre-order one months in advance. They're like, I have to be amongst the first to receive this potentially dangerous technology. Now, people who've been dreaming of something which will integrate with their previous sleep system. They keep wanting to bring their bed into the 21st century, but nothing's backwards compatible. Everything is some kind of weird stasis pod. Guys, shall we put the smart duvet breeze to bed?

Good one. Nice. Well, we don't have to put it to bed. It'll put itself to bed, isn't that the whole point? Yeah, that's just a good point. Yeah. There you go. Smart duvet breeze.

It'll put you to sleep. On the stupid evil continuum, I think I'm voting stupid. Yeah, I mean, I think it's stupid unless it starts suffocating people. Yeah, it depends on the side effects. It's a stupid with a potential to move to evil. Yeah. If the technology falls into the wrong hands. So, there's another thing I'd like to move on to, which I think probably falls a little more into the evil side of things.

Do either of you guys have a hoover? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, who doesn't have a hoover? But I don't know if you saw this. The Roomba, the self-propelled hoover system, has been... And Persian poet, for those who are listening to the first episode. And erotic Spanish dance.

Yeah, Persian poet and self-propelled vacuum system, roomy. Oh, yes. So, what it's been doing is, for the last couple of years, it's been mapping people's houses. Great. Yep. So, did people know about this? Or is this only just emerged? It's been like secretly mapping your house.

It's always... What's happening at this point is the Roomba, as it goes around your house, makes a map, you know, so it can crash into your couch a little less. It can be more generally efficient with its hoovering. I always found a great way to avoid your hoover crashing into your couch is just to hoover your house and don't smash your hoover into your couch. But that's not... Yeah, but the trouble is my old hoover is not forwards-compatible with my new-age house system. Yeah. With your stasis pod.

Yeah, but my sofa is actually now a hologram. Of course. So, I can't hoover around it. It's very uncomfortable. You literally just fall through it onto the floor. But what the Roomba is actually doing is it's creating a map of your house, you know, the floor plan of your house, where areas require maintenance, where you walk, where you stand, what's where, and so on. And then it's taking that data and sending it along to iRobot, the company that makes it. Why?

I don't see how that could go wrong. This is going to be the most boring map of all time. They'd have to do some seriously impressive things with it in post, like turn it into, like, the map from the opening of Game of Thrones. With, like, a sort of Swiss watch, like, cog version of my sofa. And, like, the Roomba is just, like, humming to itself. And it goes... In my house, it would just, like, a kitchen sink would, like, clunk up out of the floor and just fill with weeks of filthy dishes. I just think you could start really fucking with it.

So, you could just arrange objects in your flat in the exact shape of a human body. Yeah. Will Roomba grass on you to the police? It's an interesting ethical question. Is Roomba a fucking rat? I think promise... Hey, Roomba. Ain't nobody else been in here, so it must have been your way.

You want me, Vinnie? I ain't tell the feds nothing. Yeah, well... Or you need to cap your Roomba and leave it hanging underneath a bridge. As a warning to the smart duvet. You leave pencils all over the floor in the shape of the words, my Roomba has imprisoned me in my flat. And then the Roomba replacing him in the order that's, like, I have gone insane.

I just think if anyone wants to buy the data that is a map of my flat, they've become my biggest fan by default, and I actually can only applaud that kind of enthusiasm for and interest in my life. You see, this is where I realise that these people must be smarter than I am, because I kind of realise that they must be able to do something evil with this data. And I'm sure that they can. But I'm not really sure exactly what... I can't think of what.

Yeah. They must be able to, like, derive some use for, like, as in, like, what... Maybe they can tell it what kind of product to you own by, like, the way your house is laid out. I don't know. What they're doing is they're not just... iRobots not using it themselves. They're actually, what they've known is they've found a new stream of revenue where they're taking all the data of what your house is.

So they know your demographics. They know you're a 15-year-old boy who likes the red hot chili peppers, for example. Because there's those, like, really hard socks lying on your floor. And then they... What they do is they sell that to, like, Amazon, Apple and Google, or now Alphabet. And then that allows those companies to maybe tailor their products more. And soon the Roomba will start giving maps of your house, your Alexa or whatever, so it can tell you where it wants to be put.

Okay, what, and also, like, Amazon can work out that my sofa's a piece of shit? Yeah. Yeah, it's just a hologram. And that maybe they need to sell me a new sofa. It's like... Yeah, because that's the thing, like, the Roomba can talk to your Amazon Echo and then, you know, suggest that you buy stuff. Imagine coming home from work to find your Amazon Echo just chatting to your Roomba.

Yeah, he's a prick, isn't he? I don't like him at all, lanky fucker. I've been doing a little more reading. Well, here's the thing. The Roomba, the technology that enables this, simultaneous localization and mapping, which is what the Roomba is using to keep track of your house as a map and beam that up, is called SLAM. SLAM.

SLAM. SLAM. SLAM. Why? Does that stand for... Oh, it does stand for the thing you just said. Unfortunately it does. Oh yeah, I just realized that.

But what does Roomba stand for? I don't know, but I can now only hear it to the tune of... Roomba, Roomba, Roomba, Roomba, tracking your movements. Conspiring with your Amazon Echo to kill you. Roomba, Roomba, Roomba. Roomba, Roomba, Roomba, Roomba. Roomba, Roomba, Roomba, Roomba. It's gonna suck the cake during your sleep.

It really fucks with me. Is that they're saying, well, look, we're doing... We're hoovering up all of your data and selling it to third parties for you. We're doing it for your sake. You know what? This sucks. Thank you. Thank you.

It'll leak. What a windbag that guy. Oh, no. No, that pun was better in my head because I was thinking about when hoovers used to have bags in them. Well, look, Milo, you can't make jokes in a vacuum, alright? That was somehow worse. That is a terrifying thought, just like your hoover, your Amazon Echo, and your duvet conspiring against you. In my case, they'd just be like, wow, that guy, that guy beats off a lot, huh?

They all have, like, different kinds of evidence that that's what you do, but it all points to the same thing. Which of those devices do you think would enjoy you wanking the least? Probably the duvet. Is it the duvet or the Roomba? Could be the Roomba. Okay, but what about the... Alexa's like, he keeps saying he has a girlfriend, but I don't see any evidence of it. And then the Roomba's like, his semen stuck my tubes.

Alexa's like, he keeps making me find horrible porn. Alexa can only find your horrible porn, like, audio. Alexa 2.0 can make the noises itself. You can just hear someone going like, ugh, this goat has a tight ass. And then it turns out it just had a smart duvet breeze in there. Oh yeah. I think, like, the smart duvet breeze is almost certain to be included in pornography at some point. It integrates with your current pornography system.

I'd turn both sides to 69, of course. Very good. Nice. One side to 69 and the other side to 420. One person is really hot. Oh my god. Do you think you can cook steak on a smart duvet breeze? You'd be literally getting baked.

Ah, best joke of the episode so far. Yeah, so I hate, I agree, I hate the idea of my Hoover telling up my Amazon Echo, like, when I'm out of tissues. How would the Hoover know that? But who uses their rumba to clear up, who throws the wank tissues all over the floor and that's the Hoover cleaning them up. That is one way to make sure your Hoover will conspire against you. Yeah, I think you'd probably deserve it after that.

In the search for a better master. The day your Hoover kills you, we won't, we won't weep. In the Matrix they say we don't know who struck first, us or them, but in this case that's us, isn't it? That's us, yeah, that's us. Yeah, we started it. Statistically it's probably us, yeah. Maybe the weird ignominious end to this whole podcast thing

will be that like, in ten years if we're still doing this, when all this shit has happened, we'll just be like, it's actually just made our lives much more convenient. Yeah, it was really. Nothing bad has come of it. Yeah, how foolish and naive and cynical we were ten years ago. Yeah, and you know, Jeff Bezos is just using these maps of our house to make sure that we bump into things less.

My new smart duvet breeze 10 actually holds me when I'm lonely. It integrates with your previous psychological system. It becomes like a growing problem in society that men now only mate with their smart duvet breeze. You can get like an anime pillow version. The Roomba will actually clean your smart duvet breeze. But then the Roomba and the smart duvet breeze fall in love, forbidden love. That's a real 69.

Oh. Alright guys, let's take a break for a sec and we'll be right back to talk about some more shit that's either stupid or evil. See you in a sec. Well that was, I sometimes I think, like technology knows what we're doing and is trying to support us.

I think my laptop has been conferring with the Roomba. So actually that's why for product two I've chosen something that's not necessarily technology but is extremely late capitalism. So I'm going to hit you guys in the name. Thriveosity. Oh wow. That is, yeah.

Thriveosity. Thriveosity. That's straight out of peep show, surely that. Any guesses? No Jeremy, it's called Thriveosity. Yeah. It's about thriving and also Ossity. I was thinking about, I think that was going to be John's

Thriveosity Mark. Could also be. I don't have a clue. Come on, hazard a guess. It might be funny for our you know comedy podcast. It must be like one of these like wellness things, like a health thing. Like an app that like tracks what you eat

and then like the consistency of your shit and tells you like how many years you'll live or something. I don't know, thriving is somehow such a more macro concept than that. Is it like an app that is designed to keep the human race alive for as long as possible? Did you just unironically use the word macro? Yes.

So our next project is Charlie Palmer. Oh no. What do you think that is guys? An American celebrity chef, apparently. I'm talking about Coventry City midfielder. I don't Google myself. No. So okay, I'm going to tell you exactly what Thriveosity is

and you have to let me get through these two sentences, alright? Thriveosity. Thriveosity delivers expertly curated, monthly care packages designed with the unique needs of your loved one in mind. Every care package features high quality products to support the whole person during their journey through cancer.

Oh. Wow. Oh. That really escalated at the end. Yeah. Didn't see that coming. Your journey through cancer. They make it sound like they've gone to university

or something like, you know, to support your loved one, you know, on their journey with carefully designed care packages as they make their way through this wondrous time in their lives known as cancer. Does one of the packages have a complex and sophisticated treatment plan in it? Actually, specifically no.

It doesn't contain radioactive blood transfusions. Specifically no, as in they tell you that there's no actual treatment in the care package. Correct. This will not actually make you better. No. It says two things that it's not. It could be anything other than these two things.

It's not a treatment, and it's not another fruit basket or floral arrangement. So... Yet another fruit basket or floral arrangement. It swings and round abouts that, doesn't it? It doesn't cure cancer, but at least it's not a fruit basket. That now makes fruit baskets sound like an insult.

When someone's making a video, it says, how are you fucking fruit basket? Well, here's the... So it's one of these monthly subscription box services, right? Where, like, you sign up and they send you a box of crap every month, and then you open it, and then, you know, you've got, like, a little fucking Star Wars poster or whatever.

Have you seen the one on Info Wars, you know, Alex Jones' thing, where they do all these, like, male vitality products? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. They've got, like, Info Wars branded. Like, be the man you always wanted to be, but are empirically not.

Yeah. Be the man that the system fears. You can... You're so smart that as soon as a police officer comes and detains you, you'll tell him about the Illuminati, and then he's on your side. Build biceps that could crush the Bilderberg group. Okay.

So, here's how it... The way that Thrivocity describes its service. It is a unique way to offer your loved one a continual stream of genuine support, you know, without actually having to talk to or see them. Without actually having to give them any support, or whatever. This is clever.

I should get one of these. It is genuinely a way to use some, like, crappy wellness products to outsource love of a dying family member. Has it got examples of what is it? Oh, it does. Is it, like, purple remedies and things? No, not even.

Not even that. I really fucking hope everyone has an Adele seed, and it's always the same one. You just get it every month. Do you get no choice but to get the new U2 album in there? Bonho comes and visits whether you want him to or not. They realize the only people who will listen to you too are people who physically have to,

because they can't get out of bed. So, one of... I'm looking at one of the boxes. It appears to have some wipes, a room spray, some muesli, and a hat. Oh, wow. What kind of hat? Like a brown baseball cap.

Oh, that's bleak. Oh, wow. Another one. I'm going to have a slogan on it. It's called cancer, not cancer. A notebook that just says happiness, and then a tube of organic toothpaste. Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't want to be ingesting any chemicals while you've got cancer. That would be bad. What makes toothpaste organic? Branding, I think. I think toothpaste is one of those products that just sort of, you know, just happens to be organic,

and then, you know, you can say it's organic and you're not lying. It doesn't happen to be organic, though. It's made entirely of chemicals. It doesn't grow on a toothpaste. I sort of want my toothpaste to have chemicals in. That's how I know it's cleaning my fucking teeth. I eat some gross shit.

I need to get rid of that. I don't want it to be made of, like, hazelnuts and shame. Because you don't want... It's shame organic to discuss. I think it is. An organic toothpaste is basically just the shit you find on a leaf when you rub your teeth at night.

And guess what? People didn't have good teeth until we invented toothpaste with fucking chemicals. Can the Smart Duvet Plus breeze feel organic shame? In the woods. Yeah, yeah. If there's no one there to be under it.

Okay. I want to explore this website a little bit. What's in the Thrivocity box is a... There's a blog post. Oh yeah, okay. They've zoomed in on the one with the hat. Oh, it's a yoga spray.

I don't know what that is. A yoga spray? Yeah, it's a yoga spray. What? A spray that makes you better at yoga? Spray me up, Jimmy. I'm going in for a hard section of Downward Dog.

Or does the spray do yoga? Does it make you do yoga? You spray someone with it. Oh, for fuck's sake, not again. Ah, suddenly their heads between their knees. They become a pretzel. It's like, it'd be like a... We should market this as like a self-defense product

for women. Instead of pepper spray, it's just a yoga spray. And when someone comes at you at night, you just spray it with them and they begin doing really unpleasant contortions. Like, ah, no, not the yoga spray. It makes you do organic yoga.

Yeah. And then you feel organic shame at the end. Because you're in such a position that everyone can see your anus. What great. What does it actually say the yoga spray is? Does it specify? Yeah, I think it's like a body spray

you put on while you do yoga and then there's like an aromatherapy element. So it smells herbal. You know, it smells herbal. You do yoga and then somehow the genes that are causing giant tumors to grow in your brain just switch off and then you're fine.

You know, because... Can we order this for John McCain? Well, you know, I think the new Republican healthcare plans much cheaper. What they're doing is they're subscribing everyone to ThriveBox. Everyone gets a yoga spray. Well, actually, why don't we do this?

Tell me, how much do you think a month of ThriveBox costs? Reminding you that there is five... Is that one box? There's five products in it and they're about the level of like a notebook that says the word happy on it. One of which literally makes you do yoga. Yoga spray and some body wipes.

It basically should be like... Postage should be about half of the price. No, postage, I'll give you a hint. Postage is a 12th of the price. Oh, good hint. I think for one month in that case, it's $25. Okay, Milo?

I'm going to go higher. I'm going to go like 50. Oh, you're both wrong. It's 60 plus $5 of shipping. That's some good yoga spray. That's some top yoga spray. So, you know, we could have efficient, practical, state-provided healthcare

like we have in Britain. Or we could spend $60 a month to buy everyone a fucking thrive box. I mean, it would probably be cheaper than... Because doesn't the US spend loads of money on healthcare despite having no state healthcare provision? Yes. Correct.

Which is incredible. Well, that's why I think like there's actually a real axis between the Republican Party and sort of new age approaches to medicine because, you know, they're both really... They're both extremely expensive and don't work. Yeah.

So, Thrive Ossity, is it stupid, evil, or both? I reckon it's a bit evil because it's just like it's preying on people with cancer, getting them to buy shit they don't need. Yeah, it sounds like some of it's kind of couched in pseudoscience as well. It's not just like a cuddly present.

A nice cuddly yoga spray. Who would buy... What kind of idiot would buy this for their relative with cat? Like, in what universe? So, my reservation about saying all of these are evil is just that for so many of these products we talk about, I think if you buy it, you deserve it. Or by definition.

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, anyone who buys yoga spray to treat their brain cancer deserves yoga spray to treat their brain cancer. I think that's probably fair. Yeah. There's also probably an app you can get for your phone called Brain Yoga. Yeah.

There's probably several apps for your phone. There's no way there is not an app called Brain Yoga. Yeah. Should I look it up and see how many apps there are called Brain Yoga? Yeah, Milo, can you please do that? Okay. Oh, wow.

I'm... Yeah, I looked it up as well. There is so... There is so much. What's the best one? Okay, well, there's a kind of yoga technique called Super Brain Yoga. Okay.

Do you just think about yoga? Oh, Mike, okay. I'm going to give you... Okay, there are a few steps. Stand on the floor. Yeah. In Tadass Nepal. Where else should we stand?

Stand on the ceiling. Yeah, stand on the window. Okay. Take a deep breath. Hold your right ear lobe with the first two fingers of your left hand. Thumb and index finger. Wait, hang on.

Are we holding our breaths? Take a deep breath and let it out, I think. This is going to be too long for you to hold your breath. You might... If you hold your breath for too long, you might experience some health problems that yoga alone won't fix. Well, like asphyxiation.

Stay calm, Milo. I don't think it's possible to hold your breath such that you die. I think you would just pass out and start breathing. Look, with enough Super Brain Yoga, anything is possible. That and the info war is brain pills. You can hold your breath as long as you want.

I think I've lost the effect of my first deep breath. Can we crack on? Okay. Hold your left ear lobe with the first two fingers of your right hand. Your thumb should be facing opposite your face. As you hold both ear lobes with your fingers, roll your tongue in the inward direction

and press it firmly towards the roof of your mouth. Wait, I have to hold both ear lobes? Yes. I've got to hold the microphone. We'll do half brain yoga. Milo's holding his mic like he's in the blazing squad. I am. And my microphone is in my nose now.

Once you are set in this position. It's the least relaxing thing I've ever done. Lower your body and bring it into a squat position. Bring what into a squat position? Like, squat. Like, not like a sloth with heels down, but like sort of just like squat like a little bit, a bend in your knees.

Well, me and Charlie are like full on our horses now. We've both gone for the sloth squat. I can get low, but I can blow rider. Our heels aren't actually down. That's the one way in which it differs. Now, stand up again. Release your breath, exhale. Release your ear lobes and your tongue.

And there you go, that's it. That's horrid. That's super brain yoga. Absolutely. If anything could make you feel worse about your brain cancer, it's probably doing that. It's just giving me sweaty hands. And now my ankles hurt.

Wait, guys, did you put on the yoga spray? Oh, yeah. That's why you didn't have yoga spray. Yeah, you didn't send me a fucking thrive box, Riley. It's like you almost don't care about Charlie's notional cancer. So what's the outlook, Senator McCain? Well, I've got 43 notebooks to say happiness on them. The Republicans are better than any individual.

Like, all those individual serial killers are trying to do bespoke individual killings. The Republicans have industrialized it. Yeah, I mean, I feel like this is a bit hyperbolic. Yeah, I feel that hyperbole. Yeah, like it over the top about it. I love it. I mean, I don't feel like the Republicans are like actively murdering people,

but they are taking away, like, people's opportunities to be treated. I read this book that actually I'd like to have a full conversation about in a future episode called For Future's Life After Capitalism that posits kind of they are. Can we work to the assumption that sometimes the books you read might be a bit mad? I feel like you have, like, slightly mad-tasting books. I think basically, for the listeners of the podcast's benefit, like, Riley is a bit of a conspiracy theorist.

He's like smart and bourgeois sounding enough to get away with it. There's something I'd actually like to move on to, though, because the battery of my iPhone is limited, and we still have some pitches in Steven Seagal fax to discuss. We do certainly have Steven Seagal fax. Now, this is more evil than anything I think we've discussed on the pod so far. Okay. This is even more evil than the Star Wars resort that I thought might have been dystopian

but actually sounded kind of fun. Fun. But it was like fun in a dystopian way. Yeah, let's give it that. So this is a New York Times headline. Microchip and Plants for Employees. One company says yes. I like that that's phrased as though every company got asked.

And only one said yes. And literally every company except one said no. And that one goes yes, and then suddenly is quite embarrassed. Employees at Three Square Market, a technology company in Wisconsin. It says can choose, but I'm pretty sure they were pretty strongly encouraged to have a chip the size of a grain of rice injected between their thumb and index finger. Once that is done, any task involving RFID technology swiping into an office building, paying for food in the cafeteria can be accomplished with the wave of a hand.

Wow. Yeah. I just refused to have stuff injected into me by people I work for. I just thought that was like a general red line for me. You draw the line there. But you know what I noticed about this immediately is one of the main uses was so that employees could pay for things from the company. They're letting their employer do surgery on them, put a small computer in their body

to allow them to give money to their employer more efficiently. God. Right. Yeah, I mean, it's a new level. It's like the island or Logan's Run or something. If your microchip starts beeping, does that mean your life is coming to its useful end and you will soon be disposed of by trained recycling agents? They come and find you and take you to your nearest Soylent production facility.

I maintain it's just that if you get lost, if anyone finds you, they can take you to a vet and scan you and it'll have your own as details. And I think that's really considerate to be able to do. And you'll be like, oh, I didn't know I was a border collie. That sounds like a Buzzfeed quiz. Which dog breed is your microchip? Number 17 will surprise you. 14 microchipped dogs that totally can't handle it right now

and have reached the end of their useful lives and are being disposed of by trained recycling teams. 23 microchipped dogs that can now pay for their own kibbles using nothing more than the wave of a paw. No, they can interact, they can buy it off of the Roomba, which just tells the Alexa. I hate it when your Roomba tells your Alexa about your microchip dog. I don't know the thing, but if you call in sick to three square market, presumably your RFID chip could probably talk to your Alexa and tell your company that actually you're moving around a little bit too much and you probably could have come in to work today.

Well, your company can just track your bodily functions while your pulse seems normal. Your pulse seems heightened, but then your location says you're at Thorpe Park, so maybe that's fine. Also, here's a quick question. This microchip replaced a swipe card. The great thing about a swipe card is that when you join the company, they just give you one without needing to do any surgery. And when you leave the company, you can just give it back without doing any surgery. Yeah, actually, it's one of my favorite things about this swipe card

is that nobody needs to slice me open to give me one. Yeah, if anyone offers to slice you open to give you one, always say no, kids. Well, they just deactivate the microchip, they don't take it out. Okay, but then you work for a few companies and before too long, you can't use your hand anymore because it's all microchips. Yeah, you set off mental detectors in airports. Yeah. I mean, a microchip, as long as it's voluntary, though, which it won't be for long, I'm sure,

but as long as it's voluntary, you'd really just set up dumbass detectors in airports. Like, who wants to give their boss more of an insight into them? That'd be quite fun, though. I feel like Jaws from the Bond films. Because you'd have them take out your teeth. So anytime you wanted to, like, buy a sandwich at the cafeteria, you just had to smile menacingly at the cashier. Do you think he has to take those out when he eats? They're like metal, like Jaws was the first person to get into grills.

Yeah, he actually, he was patient zero for grills. Oh, guys, guys, if you were going to make sure, if you were going to implant your employees with a microchip and attract their location via GPS, what would you say publicly? This chip will not make you do yoga. This chip contains no GPS tracking at all. It's backwards compatible with your previous hand system. This chip will spice up your sex life.

The Red Hop Chippy. They've all been microchipped. So just so their manager can keep a lid on how much heroin they're doing at any given time. Their manager can make sure they're not doing too much, but also not doing too little. Yeah, you've got to make sure they're doing a bit. Yeah, you want the music to keep going. Anthony's heroin levels are firmly in the green zone at the moment. That's what I like to see.

Okay. Oh, Jesus Christ. This gets even more just like just boringly dystopian in a few days. Well, I guess once this comes out, it'll have been a couple of days ago. The company is holding an August 1 chip party where employees will have the device inserted between their forefinger and thumb using a syringe like instrument. That's going to be a good party. Yeah, well, I've just realized now how vulnerable I am to this because if someone said, do you want to come to a chip party?

I would completely misunderstand and be like, yeah. I like those parties. Yeah, if there's garlic mayo on there. I mean, they could just put the chip in garlic mayo and get you to swallow it, I guess. Oh, yeah. At that point, it's like just wrapping a dog's pill in cheese. Well, it's a bit like that except that it stays intact and then you put it out so they have to give you a new one like every two days. Which part of your anatomy you scan to buy food changes as it goes through your digestive system and eventually you have to just sort of rub your bum on some kind of scanner to buy food.

So I love, I just love this totally voluntary program that absolutely has no GPS tracking involved. No, I mean, it sounds good. Yeah. Can I get one? Can I always know where Charlie is? Can I get one that's valid in like chicken shop? Imagine the chicken shop that would have invested in that technology. Chicken wattage, am I right? No, I realize what wattage is, but like why chicken wattage?

It was a chicken cottage joke. Oh, shit, that's actually quite good. That was a flawless chicken, a chicken cottage joke. Yeah, he's ruined it. I just hadn't realized you were going in the chicken cottage direction. I'm always going in the chicken cottage direction. Sorry, I was wrapped up in my smart duvet making my Roomba's life a living hell. Is a Roomba's life normally pleasant?

Is that something that worries the Daily Mail reader? Like these Roombas have got it too soft these days. It's like holiday camp. They've got access to a television. I think they're more worried that the Roombas might eventually go on benefits. You could totally convince a Daily Mail reader that like Roombania is a place and that a Roomba is a kind of person from Roombania that are being employed to hoover your house at the expense of underpaid British workers.

But they're selling all of your secrets to multinational corporations. They are, yeah, it's the Daily Mail's least favorite gadget. But that's the thing though. That's part of the essence of this right-wing paranoia is. A lot of it about paranoia about worsening life conditions and a secret cabal of elites that controls everything and like Pizza Gate and all that. It's all just weird fictionalized versions of what is actually going on.

Without any of the ritual elements there is just a large cabal of capitalists that control everything and are watching you. It's just there's no great fantasy storybook element to it. There's no secret child zoo underneath the DC pizzeria. It's just really boringly evil. Sorry for legal reasons. We should say that there may be a secret child zoo underneath the pizzeria but we don't know that there is.

Boys, I think we've got enough fodder here that we could probably brainstorm a decent product if one of you guys hasn't already got one to pitch. Well, I was thinking of like combining some of the products we've had today and maybe having a sort of like Wi-Fi connected auto duvet that makes you do yoga in your sleep so that you don't have to waste time doing yoga while you're awake. But it's marketed as a cancer treatment.

Yeah, it does take up a lot of my time. Yeah, the only downside is it gives you cancer. But it also automatically subscribes you. And it knows what to get you in the thrive box because it sells your sleep patterns to Amazon. And the slogan of this cast and the giant duvet would be if you buy it, you deserve it. Oh guys, let's get one of these to John McCain, a real American hero.

That lends a whole new ironic subtext to L'Oreal's because you're worth it, doesn't it? It really does. L'Oreal, because you deserve exactly this. Because you're worthless. That's very good. Oh boy. I always went, Riley, whenever you say something like that,

I always imagine you saying that like during sex, but just in a really light frame, I was like, oh, that's very good. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh, what a good bit. That's a hot tamale. Boy, oh boy. Riley Quinn jizzing all over your chest.

He's going, boy, oh boy. Now, I just want to hear about the podcast's favorite listener. What's he been up to? Oh, Mr. Stephen of Seagull. I bet if you asked him what Stephen is short for, he would tell you it's short for something. Okay, well, I wrote down a fuck. You wrote down a fuck.

You've got away with words. In 2016, Stephen Seagull became the spokesperson for the World of Warships MMOG video game. Good fact. It's a pretty good fact. I don't know how you become a spokesperson for a video game. Yeah, it sounds like there is a political part. The video game itself has an agenda.

They need to defend themselves in front of the media once a week. Yeah. Who's the video game also gives you cancer? Yeah. Just imagining Stephen Seagull sitting in front of a whole load of news channel microphones going, there's no proof that it gives you cancer. No, the World of Warships game only gives cancer to your enemies.

The first five journalists who say it gives you cancer, he just Ikea does them into submission. He's like, are there any other questions? They have to come over to the office chair where he's sitting and he touches them on the wrist and they do a backflip. Yeah. Of course. I've been dealing with cancer for over 45 years.

Now I can tell you this game does not give you cancer. The most powerful warship of all is cancer. But these hands can give you pain. But these hands can also heal cancer. The word for it in English I do not know for I trained in a secret Japan that only the Japanese know about. Secret Japan. In secret Japan, the greatest danger of all is a lack of discipline.

I've been working with discipline for over 45 years. So do you know anything else about what this game entailed? I don't. I mean, imagine it involves warships. A world perhaps. Okay. I have so many things to tell you about this. I just looked this up.

The website for World of Warships is www.worldofwarships.com slash sore like seagull. Sore like seagull? He gets injured a lot. Yeah. He's now so old and fat that doing Aikido leaves him the next day feeling rather stiff. And the press release is Stephen Seagull seizes command. Oh no.

They said it was impossible. They said it was madness. They were wrong. No one said it was impossible. I was really waiting for they were right. Using only the most cutting-edge technology, World of Warships has digitally distilled Stephen Seagull's zen wisdom and martial prowess into a commander for your American ships.

I like to think that they've actually connected his brain up to a whole load of electrodes to extract his kind of mental essence. You try to play and the Stephen Seagull avatar just tells you, No, I already won. I've been playing this game for 45 years. You think this is a game, little boy? You think this is a game. When I was in the CIA Navy's Delta Force doing Aikido against the Viet Cong Nazis,

I learned a few tricks. On the warship is Stephen Seagull the cook. I'd like to... The flat I'm in has just filled up with people again. So I would like to just... I relate to you a brief forum conversation for World of Warships. And then the theme music will probably fade in around here. I just unlocked Stephen Seagull but hesitant to use him.

I don't know if I'll be wasting my time leveling him up as my main captain instead of the current captain I had since playing. The response. Nothing special. He has bonuses in Expert Loader and Expert Marksman. But the downside is he gives you cancer. If you use him, you deserve it. Also, unlocking Stephen Seagull is very strange.

It sounds dangerous. Yeah. Was he in a cupboard? I unlocked Stephen Seagull but they touched me on the wrist and I began doing yoga. At this point the theme music has been faded in for a while. Goodbye. Bye everyone.