TRASHFUTURE - LIVEFUTURE ft Ahir Shah

Episode Date: January 11, 2018

Oh sheesh y'all it's a Thursday bonus episode! The trash fam did a brief set as part of Alex Kealy's (@AlexKealy) monthly comedy night at the Comedy Grotto, with all profits going to Syrian Refugee Relief. Ahir Shah (@AhirShah) stepped in to help us rubbish what has turned out to be probably the dumbest AND most insidious product yet. Follow your beloved hosts on twitter - Riley (@raaleh), Olga (@rocknrolga), Milo (@milo_edwards), and Hussein (@HKesvani), and the podcast account itself (@trashfuturepod). Furthemore, please tell us on the Trashfuture twitter's open DM's what you might like to see out of future live shows and we may just do it! Like the Comedy Grotto on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/TheComedyGrotto/

I know we all know that you're all well. It's been asked a few times. Are we still well? I'm aware it's been an endurance slog. Oh, that's really nice. I'm really fucked up the audio with the candy wrappers have fucking hell. So this is going to be released on iTunes, Stitch or whatever podcast platform you so enjoy to use. You can feel free to listen to it again if you want. But you won't. That is the main thing. So I guess I will sort of vaguely introduce the premise more or less of what we're doing. Our podcast is about why kind of society has gotten a bit really fucking dumb in the last couple of years. I will

illustrate it with one picture. Oprah for President talk sends Weight Watchers shares higher. It really makes you want to drop a few pounds, doesn't it? The threat of an Oprah Winfrey presidency. The threat of an Oprah Winfrey presidency makes me want to drop a few kilotons of nuclear bomb. I know, right? So because they fear the Oprah will come for our guns. It is a man's right in America to own a nuclear weapon. That is freedom of speech. Interest. Very few people know Citizens United actually makes tactical nuclear strikes protected speech. Hell, yeah, front of the room. So we are Trash Future, the podcast for how the future is

trash joined by Ahir Shah, also a guest on the show. I am Riley. I am a comedian and Twitter person. My name is Hussain Kizvani. I almost had sex once. My name's Milo Edwards. I'm a standard comedian. I'm the person that Hussain almost had sex with. I'm Ahir Shah, and I am for one of the rare occasions, the most right wing person on this thing. I'm Olga Koff and I am a woman. Anyway, but you are being Mike, so you're about to be internet semi-famous among the socialists who like us. Anyway, I did prepare some content because a lot of what we do is, you know, we find just the dumb outgrowth of modernity usually in the form of just

ridiculous gadgets or incredibly stupid policies and we make fun of them. But before we do that, I wanted to share a bit of news that I literally saw on my Twitter feed while I was surreptitiously checking it earlier, which was that Uber and Toyota have cooperated on a new venture where what they're going to do is they're going to try to disrupt transport again by making large Ubers go from where people tend to congregate to where they tend to want to go and back along preset routes and have accidentally invented a bus. And I mean, one thing I find the thing is all of us are excruciatingly online. This happens like

once every two months. It really does. There's a set Silicon Valley formula, which is like what if thing, but also your phone. It's that in like the fact that they're all drinking raw, something called raw water on purpose is wild. Unfiltered water for 60 pounds a gallon or something. It's like literally only the richest and poorest people in the world are drinking sewage. It's a baffling place. The thing is, for too long, you've been able to buy your way out of eugenics. The real horseshoe theory. I mean, I just see it as a kind of, you know, exoneration of my politics over

and over and over as it seems like extreme wealth doesn't accord with any kind of intelligence or ability, but just a sort of vague desire to sort of die fancily. We have you had those Facebook ads that like you could have your dad's ashes pressured into a diamond for you to wear. Anyone? You had it. Yeah. Like a fancy ring. That's like, also your dad. I might threaten my dad with this. I find that so upsetting on every level.

Give me your money. You'll be earrings tomorrow. Although when if you want to like really control your family and you go up to your mom, you're like, yeah, kiss the ring. It's got a very different meaning. What? Oh, who says that to them? Who says that to anyone, but who says that to them? Only two people. Pimps and the Pope. It's a family business, guys. It's a family. Anyway, we have some stuff. Shall we get into it?

Fuck yeah. Love stuff. I had a couple more slides on this, but you seem to have gotten it from this. I wanted to emphasize that. And then I wanted to emphasize this. Hahaha. Oprah realises you don't need experience to be president. How did you just realize the sounds like the title of a sitcom episode? The one where?

Oh, damn it. All right, so actually someone of the pub yesterday really annoyed me by saying that like, well, like, you know, obviously, someone without experience can be president because Donald Trump is president. I'm like, look how that turned out. How is that an argument that this is okay? You just haven't been calculating his wins unlike my home page on the internet, magapill.com, real website. What I like about this is that in an alternate universe, this exact same podcast

episode is happening and Riley is having a go at managerial technocracy. How terrible it is. Welcome to my dark world, Riley. Yeah, turns out we were good for something. No comment. Anyway, so I did my usual thing where I there, I know if there are a couple of listeners to the show in here, they'll they'll be war at all. Anyway, I recognize you from Twitter.

Are you the Zoon user? Do you want to play a Mary fuck kill with those three? Yeah, you marry Hussein and then you watch those two fuck each other. To death, which is a fate worse than death. Anyway, it's for all consent. So I've done the thing where I found a product. This this is a real product. It exists.

It's called the Shapa. What the fuck do you think that is? It's my rap name. It's a sort of it's a sort of Wi-Fi connected sex toy. OK, that's your usual guess. Most episodes and I'm usually right. He is often right. It's a digital Sherpa, but the Sherpa is.

Is is is is the paperclip from the windows or the windows? It looks like you're trying to climb a mountain. And you summon it from your phone. It looks like you want to take the credit for ascending Everest first. Would you like some help with that? Edmund Hillary was actually very cool about the fact that they did it together. And a Sherpa was always showing off his muscles. Sherpa tensing, everyone.

Weirdly, you are so vain was actually about tensing nog. I mean, no, I would be baffled as well. It's it's completely ridiculous. Wait, wait, wait, does it help that in Russian that's a hat? I can confirm it does not help. OK, I don't there are further clues. You can lean. You'll see the Sherpa offers blank management made achievable

and sustainable through a display free blank with an innovative with an an innovative app, obviously, and results to back it up. That looks like he's very close to becoming a diamond. Does the does the cool college professor who's not set you homework this week come with the app? That's he looks like he looks like an old my leg. I really hope this is a sex toy now, because that guy really looks like he's got his dick in something that's out of frame.

He looks like Martin Shkreli was put through like an aging app. Wutang album management made achievable and sustainable. Finally, a display free. So this is it's it's available for enterprise as well. The Shapa for enterprise. So we will get into that. OK, so this is something that straddles the worlds of leisure and work. Are those his knuckles or are they just like loose skin?

That's that's his defense mechanism. Flaring up an undiskinned parasite. Any guesses from the audience? Anyone? Got to be usually frustrating because it does have a display. Finally, it is a display free. If you shave it with an innovative app. I mean, again, that's

crotchless, I get crotchless pants display free would just be pants. With an innovative app. Any app for crotchless pants is quite innovative to be fair. There is an app for crotchless pants. It's just scissors. All right. Although that does remind me, I did see recently today that ASOS is selling pant trousers, pants, as I would call them,

trousers, as you would call them, cultural exchange, is selling trousers with fake news written down the side in bright red. And just the word fake news or the actual articles who are like, come up here and squinting at you like, whatever have the Macedonian teenagers written this. I'm not doing a sexual harassment. I just want to know did those pizzas in that cellar was there a Peter Farrowing in that cellar in Washington, D.C.

Presided over by Hillary Clinton. You have to know what that means. Otherwise, it's a string of insane words that I've said. Yeah. Yeah. Google the Hillary Clinton pizza sex dungeon. You won't be disappointed. It's a real thing. I mean, you will be disappointed in humanity.

It's a different. You'll you'll realize that we could all be doing far better. OK. OK. Shall shall we move on to the final thing? Which is that it's weight management made achievable and sustainable through a display free scale with an innovative app. But don't you need to back it up?

Don't you need the display on the scale to know how much weight you have? You make a very important point about the suitability of this product. No, don't. Yeah. Basically, being really like if you look at the scale and you watch the numbers go up and up and you get really sad, Silicon Valley has a solution for you that isn't. It's more aimed at the numbers, really.

Yeah. But if you drink enough raw sewage, the dysentery will help you drop the weight. So instead of numbers, it'll just be like like emojis that kind of like this is how much you weigh. Like, is that the numbers that make you sad? Here's the thing. What is it solving? So do they do they change the unit?

Like like how if it's really cold, you'll feel a lot better about everything if the unit is Kelvin. They just change the unit of your way and you're like, oh, I'm only like 2.4 of that. When you get fat enough, the emojis just becomes prayer hands. Olga, I hate. I hate how right you are. Oh, my God, fuck off.

I was like, that's a joke didn't land because it's fucking true. In case you were wondering, Satara is dead, ladies and gentlemen. In case you're wondering, this is it. This is this is the thing. It's available in an array of colors for some reason. And as you can see, conveniently for a scale has no numbers on it and no display.

How the fuck do you guess your weight and how is it related to emojis? You may be asking, or at least I asked that as I was preparing this. I feel as though I've got a fairly good idea. OK, and I think that most of these people will as well. We can skip through. It's relatively apparent how something like this would work.

Hold on. I think that if you're honest with yourself, you know just as well as anyone. I think I think the three people. I think really, you're feigning incredulity and it's actually letting everyone down a bit. But I think the three people listening to this podcast at home really do want to hear the next slide.

So I am I am I am painfully aware that this that this is definitely a highly visual component to our primarily audio audience. So if you are listening, just remember that this is exactly as you imagine it already. Yeah, it's it's very clear. It's shiny and dumb. Like before I flick on to the next slide that explains it,

do you want to hazard? Do you want to share with the class? No, I don't want to insult anyone's intelligence. Because you can't. Does it does it display just purely poop emojis? And it determines how much weight you lose, like how much weight you need to lose. No, no, accidents are an in-app purchase.

That's definitely only if you get the raw water added. No, why wouldn't you get the raw water? Here is how this dumb shit works. It gives you a color and an age. Yeah, cars on the table. That's done other than I thought. So it's your weight age. Yeah, it's it's how.

Yeah, yeah, guys. It's your sharp age. So how old would I be if I was at his rap career? 30. Also, actual years are like dog years. Also, we're probably dog years when you get a sharper age. I mean, I actually have spent a lot of time because I don't value my free time.

I spent a lot of time researching this. I have emailed the company I've called and I am no closer to assessing exactly what the Shapa age is. Other than possibly a way for Silicon Valley billionaires to say that police, please, her Shapa age is 18. Wait, maybe this is so. But when you get older, right, you shrink and you like my granny always says you've grown and I'm 28.

She's she's shrunk because of aging. You sorry, this is your information to everyone. You do you shrink and get thinner. So presumably when you're like 90, your Shapa age becomes like 15 again. And you'll be like this. It's invincible. I don't we just loop back.

So actually like Hinduism, but with weight, the slogan of my gym. The danger period for hanging around US senators is like childhood and old age. He didn't win barely. My flatmate dated a guy who was 18 years older than him, but they came out in the same year. So he was like, we're the same age and gay years. He actually used that excuse.

She agrees to me. I mean, it feels just like a very sort of technological solution to a midlife crisis for people who can't really afford a sports car, but still can afford to be done with their money. Well, is that being gay or this? Notoriously expensive, that is. Anyway, earlier, we did mention that there is this. What the fuck is that?

How come this thing has an enterprise solution? It's a scale. Is this going to be one of those really harrowing things where this seems funny on the face of it, but actually it's a way of like companies in the US to deny health care to certain employees? Correct. So correct.

I hear you have decoded all of our episodes. You have made our entire podcast unnecessary to subscribe to. Worth is a quiz. You would be an excellent guest. As it is an entertainment medium, the jury's out. I have very little to offer the entertainment world. You saw me just stand up earlier. Can every trash rich episode come with a personalized PowerPoint?

Just because I mean, imagine the time that Riley put into, like, rotating the three picking out the ombre. Imagine the time you spent not doing the so. Maybe this product was dreamt up by like right wing people just to distract people like you from activism. This is our point of each house while you were doing this, Richard Branson bought 40 hospitals. Where were you?

Fuck, yeah, this very slick professional umbraization of these arrows, three of them, angled jointly towards the word enterprise will definitely own the liberal. So Sapa for enterprise. What the fuck? It's a scale. How could that possibly work? Well, I will show you. I'm so sorry.

Your benefits administrator and health coach is able to have a full picture of all of your weight and they get your weight. You get your Shapa age in a color. Well, there's a there's a section here that says push notifications. You get like a notification on your iPhone like you are still fat. No, Milo, you're not quite right. Your boss gets a notification on their you just get your edging from orange to red.

That's that's all you get. And your boss gets your exact weight in kilograms. You're like sitting in a meeting with your boss and his phone dings and he's like, oh, sorry, I just have station. It appears you've let yourself go a bit. No, but of course, yeah, I hear you were right. This is basically just a trick that is going to give health insurance companies in America historically a discriminated against people.

More of an edge against their cruel and unusual masters, the claimants. Yes, so we've got your chart here and it says poo on it three times and then some clapping hands. So I don't really know what that means, but you're not getting the operation. Sorry, sir, the being that weight and having an obergene emoji is considered harassment. Stop drinking out of that toilet. So just drink the raw water we give you.

Can I please have a quick guess at the price of this wonderful thing from the panel? Over panel. Oh, that's a poor understanding of the word panel there. But also we like that. Actually, we're not going to not going to jump on that harshly. I think that having one just for you is three hundred dollars. You go to nine nine nine nine. You go for the enterprise plan.

I'm thinking four nine nine point six nine. I don't. I say four twenty point six. All these aren't internet people. Yeah, no, no drill references. No four twenty. It's sounding not my best joke, but not my worst. Shrubbering me. Olga, anything? I already did a joke that didn't land because I said it at the same time

as everybody else. I'll just say Olga Cox at 69. That's my Twitter name. Um, OK, I can I can tell you how much it is. None of you were correct. No one really ever is. It is one hundred twenty nine dollars plus nine ninety nine a month forever to continue to know your weight. No, for your boss to continue to know your weight by the medium of emojis.

Riley, I think you'll find that if you continue, like if you take into account the continuing subscription costs, we will all write after a certain number of months. No, no, no, no. In a way, we were all right. Mathematically. Yeah, no, no, that's true, that is generally true. Yeah, the only significant way in this particular game. Yeah, technically, our favourite kind of right.

Shop of Basics is actually your id just collection. Just nine ninety nine a month. Subscription Clothing Service. Again, a real thing that exists, because this is normal. I see also there is another question I have not unloaded. Can more than one person share one one Shapa? I mean, I think most of the audience knows if you have a normal scale, the answer is yes, basically to infinity.

Just not simultaneously, both bad for the scale and for the data readout. If a group of people go in sequence, everyone in the world could weigh themselves in the same scale. Welcome to Late Stage Capitalism, a normal economic system where you have to subscribe to a scale that won't tell you your weight, but will tell your boss. Very right. Everything's fine. At what stage does this just become techno feudalism?

I mean, that sounds like a genre you could listen to in Berlin. Generally a serious question. It's my second favourite music genre after ISIS techno. Real thing, actual thing. We all spend way too much time online anyway. I'd like to conclude on a high note, which is the other premise of our show. The only thing protecting us from the evil of start up nerds

is the jaw dropping ineptitude of start up nerds. Thank you very much. Good night. Thank you. Thanks, everyone. Stay away from children. Just a quick thing. There's going to be this by the door. All the money goes to Syrian refugees. So put some sweet cash in that.

He's lying. It's a raffle for a flat. I need to live somewhere. And the I know it does go to that. So if you if you want to put some cash in, that'd be really appreciated. And yeah, thanks so much for coming. The next one of these is on. I want to say Tuesday, the 13th of February. And you're on the mailing list.

So I will tell you once a month. Thank you.