TRASHFUTURE - Nick Boles-ing for Columbine: Peter Melt-Doaun, Free Speech, Work 'Til You Die

Episode Date: January 1, 2018

Hey you absolute savages. A few of the trash gang gathered around, sans guest, to break through the constant flux of drunkenness/hangover (except ethical boy Hussein), to bandy about some online nonsense. Today we have @raaleh, @milo_edwards, @hkesvani, and @rocknrolga.  We talk about Regular Man and Aspiring Hillary Clinton Toilet Peter Daou's propensity for targeted harrassment and extending the ongoing and utterly pointless 2016 primary, the ongoing and utterly pointless university free speech culture wars, the ongoing and utterly pointless American crusade to solve school shootings without removing guns, and a reading from the ongoing and utterly pointless literary career of Tory MP Nick Boles. Follow us on @trashfuturepod tho

To whom it may concern, I would be very interested in aligning on seeing your breasts and chest area. Thank you very much, Riley. Dear Riley. Thank you for your kind email. I would also like to synergise our genitalia and have a very productive dialogue about the possibility of ass being consumed. Yours in hope of a quick and speedy response, Milo.

Just really quickly, see seeing the rest of the team on this, I would like to set up a weekly sing where we could explore each other's anal cavities. Best regards? All good. What do I have to do something about? That's like every email Jane ever. Sorry, what's this about? I'm just joining.

Dear sir slash madam, sorry that this is a few days late. I have put the schedule for anal cavity inspection on my Google calendar. There is an alert 30 minutes beforehand. This is an auto response. Sorry. I'm on holiday until January 4th. Sorry, I was thinking about Nigel Bigger while I was writing. It's still a sext.

Why am I on this list? Please remove. The anal spelunking list. Dear sir slash madam. Dear sir slash madam, I would like to kiss you all over respectfully and preferably in the other room. Yeah. Just like that.

I'm an expert at sex things as it's well documented on the show. Well, you're because you don't waste any time on having sex. You just research it. Yeah. You're like an Eric Garland of sex, you know, you're not, you don't speak Russian. You don't knew anything about international politics or indeed sex, but you have some very interesting theories about Russian involvement. And Brian Stelter really likes.

Hussain has an algorithm comparing all of the online sex to find the patterns and how it's all secretly being controlled by, you know, Vanity Fair, Vanity Fair, Vanity Fair. Oh, no. Who's the guy? That's the guy. That's the one I was thinking of. I actually sent all my texts to George Soros for him to inspect before I send it to my various women folk.

Oh, that was weird. It's like also like this cider has really touched me. I just thought I had, it's a quite potent and I really like chugged it quite fast and I'm now like slightly too half cut to like understand what this is about. What's what's the show called again? Rashfuture. You should really get that checked out. It's already made that joke.

Oh, did she? Yeah. She said Rashfuture. The podcast about the future is itchy. And then she said, no, no, no, no. It was my kind of podcast. And I said, why? No, didn't I make that joke?

Why? You did. This time in a slightly different context. Outside of the bowl. Cashfuture, where the future is not Bitcoin. Of course. Cashfuture, the podcast about how the future is like a really gravelly voiced country music. Car-future.

Let's not forget Crashfuture, the podcast about what happens to Bitcoin. Nice. Dashfuture, the podcast about how the future was recorded on a Russian car. Of course. Mashfuture, the podcast about how the future is potato puree. Like that. Stashfuture is just the same exact podcast, except we all have more stashes. Don't forget Diasfuture, the actual podcast about what's going to happen to us in clothing.

Anyway, we had that sex episode and we thought about calling it Gashfuture before deciding that would be a vulgar. Oh, sorry. Did someone call my name? We have the Volga River, we've just put a microphone up against its banks. I think this might be, this might, this is our year end wrap up episode. That's the most erotic thing I've ever put a microphone against its back. Anybody ready for a really well structured episode?

Yeah. I mean, oh boy. This was not the episode to start drinking early, this was it. We've got wine. But is that period between Christmas and New Year? Well, nothing. You could just be drunk all the time. That's how it works.

Well, nothing happens except some stuff did happen and we're going to have to talk about it. Oh gee. I wonder what that was. Well, King Herod was getting mad because I stepped on that old Romani woman's foot and then she's cursed all of us. King Herod getting mad offline. The original.

Viochi garland. Imagine if Alex Jones had been around in the time of King Herod. There would have been some actual real baby murdering going on. He'd have been like, they're murdering babies. He's just been standing on a street corner next to like next to like the pissing hole screaming about it. I mean, he would have been advertising the new Tropic qualities of lead. Well, let's let's have that be the cold open.

I can say welcome to this time a guest free just just us episode of trash boys. The podcast. The future is trash. Unless we get, you know, the usual dose of fully automated luxury space communism from my left to who up in here. My name is Olga. I'm a comedian and my Twitter handle is at rock and roll go. My name is Hussain Kizvani.

I'm not a comedian. My twister is at H Kizvani. I'm moving to Tumblr next next year. Yeah. My current name on Twitter is Olga Cox 69. That's because I wanted a festive name. Yeah. It has all the Christmasy name.

There's nothing more festive than mutual filet show. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's what I mean. Everyone forgets the real reason for the season, which is in a link. Obviously. By the way, my name's Milo Edwards. I have sex sometimes.

And my Twitter handle is at Milo underscore Edwards. That's why your brain is not powerful. And I am Riley Quinn. You can find me on Twitter at Rala R-A-L-E-H, which is still my Twitter handle for some reason. You can't change it now. No, it's a bit. I'm stuck.

I'm stuck with it. I want to make it just at Rala 69. Duff. That's brilliant. You're welcome. I wanted to to do a sort of brief wrap up of whatever the fuck we remember from 2017. Yeah.

If you don't mind, I think I might go last. And this is something that I warn you. We have not at all prepared for Olga. What's top of mind? The worst thing that happened in 2017, the angriest person from online that you remember. Oh, I was talking. I was thinking we're doing personal achievements.

How was personal achievement? Worst or best? That's personal achievement pegged for the first time. Thank you very much. Did you pegged? No, I pegged a dude and made a dude come from a hand job. Both of those things. Fantastic.

Really proud of myself. 2017 big year for big O. Wow. Did you eat his ass first? Absolutely not. We've established that my brand is a lie. I'm intellectually and philosophically on board with eating ass.

We just did it. We just made a video. We just made a video about eating ass. You're a champagne ailing. You can eat my ass. Sure. Go for it. Eat your ass, my ass.

You can eat my ass. Well, listener, you heard it here first. I don't mind what your kink is as long as you take a knee first. Do some respect. Do I play the national anthem at the end of snacks? Which national anthem? That's why I only get pegged standing up. Because I respect the troop.

I take a knee in my ass. You saying anyone angry online? Who wasn't angry online this year? 2017 was the year of getting angry online. So, I mean, Peter North got angry online. Peter North being the leave.eu dipshit. Wait, isn't that the porn actor? The North Pole guy?

No, we've made a lot of communication. The porn actor is good. He doesn't get mad. He gets even. The snowy tops of the North Pole porn. The king of last week. Of course, classic. Raleigh got mad online because of the Zoom user.

I'm still mad online about the Zoom user. I wanted to come on or her. Wait, who's the Zoom user? There is one person who listens to our show. Super listener of the show. Who uses Microsoft Zoom. Paul Ryan. That's cool.

Yeah, it's very cool. But they won't identify themselves. They won't identify themselves. Is it because the Zoom doesn't have that capability? It's a Russian bot. They're messaging us on MySpace. Our boy friend of the show, Raheem Kasam, got mad online again.

We talk on the same day every year. This year, he got mad because one of our mutuals pointed out that Breitbart had a vertical for black crime. Specifically labeled black crime. That makes it sound like Breitbart had a huge erection for black crime. I mean, yeah, that's not really wrong. It sort of does.

Look, what Raheem does on his own time is up to him. But then he responded back saying, actually, it wasn't a vertical. It was a tag. So there you go. There you go. It's, you know, tags are fine. And when we get the Trash Future website,

it's going to be perfectly... Of course. It's going to be tagged to hell. Yeah. No verticals just tags. Let's say if there are difference between a tag and a vertical for Raheem Kasam is wearing lifts in his shoes.

It's a short manly, isn't it, John? A manlet. But it's fine. He also wears bootcut jeans. I think he wanted... Oh, no. Yeah. He wanted me to make sure that everyone knows

that he wears bootcut jeans. They're going to, they're in, they're cool. They're fashionable. They're putting the fashion fashionable. They offer people who don't fuck, which is why I'm wearing them right now. Raheem, please come home. So, I mean, there were a lot of competitors

for people who were ultimately mad online. I think in terms of who was the mad... I've been trying to think of, like, who was the maddest online of 2017. Am I? I didn't want to go... You're not in the bowling. Yeah, I know.

I didn't want to go mad, mad online. So much is mischievous offline. And my award goes to, of course, our glorious leader, Theresa May, for her classic comment that the naughtiest thing we ever did was running through the fields of wheat. God, that was this year. Oh, yeah, boy.

Hell yeah, my bitch. Yeah. What I loved about it was just that it was like, rather than just saying, like, I'm not answering that, which would have been fine. It was a dumb question. It was like, no, I'm going to think of something. Like, here's one for the kids.

So, fields of wheat, guys. Like, you know what she wanted to say was like, I pegged a guy. If Theresa May had said she'd pegged a guy. If she'd have pegged a guy during that, if she'd taken the interviewer and pegged them, that I would have. She'd have every seat in Parliament.

Yeah. I'd be like, I'd be like, okay, Theresa, I don't agree with your policies, but you know what? I respect that. I respect the effort. If we're going to leave the EU like that. I mean, tell me you would not vote for Theresa May

if she pegged Michelle Barnier. I mean, that's like on live television. I mean, the whole thing is that she wants to be relatable, except like, if she needs to be relatable in 2017, if she's not relatable in like 1949, by running through fields of wheat. My favorite thing was Corbin's response to Theresa May saying she used to run through fields of wheat.

He was like, really, what you're doing is you're just wrecking a portion of that farmer's crop. That's incredibly reckless. You absolutely shouldn't do that. And I would never run through a field of wheat. No, I do want to get into the angriest person online aware that I am going to certainly be covering some chapeau ground largely because this is taken on

an element of personal importance to me because friend of the show, and Vanity Fair features writer Maya Kosoff, did a relatively harmless Hillary Clinton joke where she basically said, you know, your New Year's resolutions could be basically you could take up knitting or go-karting or any number of things,

just anything to stay out of politics. And the resulting furor from Liberals has been astonishing. The dang lips. The thing was it wasn't like, Maya has gotten such disproportionate amount of the hate and it wasn't even like her thing. She like took part for like five seconds in like a broader video that Vanity Fair released

with like loads of their journalists. Yes. And for some reason Maya Kosoff is like public enemy number one for like weird like Hillary Hawks. I mean, they kind of tapped, they kind of jumped on the thing where she was talking about like take up knitting as a hobby or something. It was one of several things in a list as well.

Yeah. So only being a hitterie ever actually, there's no photo of her knitting. It'll be like, yes, queen, knitting for power, knit your pants. Self care. Also what's wrong with knitting? Yeah.

The idea that it's like a lesser thing and that crafts are inferior to whatever else is sexist in itself. Exactly. That's why I say, let me paint my war hammers in peace. Hillary Clinton should take up war hammer. Oh, yeah. I mean that the knitting will hammer figures.

Yeah. So Peter, Peter Dow was one of the main ring leaders of this particular thing and he's a guy who just exists on Twitter largely because he must defend Hillary Clinton. He doesn't exist to advocate a particular set of policies. He doesn't exist because he has a particular political outlook short of I must defend Hillary Clinton. He's like the Terminator.

He's been sent back in time. Hillary Clinton, come with me if you want to live. I have come to verify facts. It's going down. I'm yelling Clinton. He was named after the stock exchange. And and his anger levels are just our are our record breaking essentially.

He's mad online. No, it's basically Peter Dow, Tom Watson, Joan Walsh, Joanne Reed, just the usual excrual subjects have essentially coordinated harassment against Maya Kosoff, who is a sort of journalist in New York in her 20s because they need to defend an extremely powerful and politician who is a multimillionaire. Yeah, because they dared, you know, poke poke mild fun at her. None of this mild fun.

They say that it is. So one of my favorite Peter Dow tweet is I love it because I think of what it really says about Peter Dow. I ended 2015 defending Hillary Clinton from sexist attacks. I ended 2016 defending Hillary Clinton from sexist attacks. Now I'm ending 2017 defending Hillary Clinton from sexist attacks, which I think just means when will the time portal back to the future?

He's he's he's basically just admitting that he's not very good at defending Hillary Clinton from sexist attacks because oh boy, does he just have to keep doing it? Peter Dow is like looking for a moment where like online after him like valiantly like rebutting all of the angry tweets about Hillary Clinton with his own angry tweets, eventually the hordes of angry pro against Hillary Clinton tweeters stand up and raise their online spears in the air in a salute as they realize they're

of one bold fighting spirit. And then they like go their separate ways in a sort of weird. That was a reference to the 1964 film Zulu because that's a punch line to every one of your jokes. We haven't seen it. The dark bag left thousands of them. That's my that's my brand now. It's referencing the film Zulu.

I mean, alternatively, it could also be akin to the very famous 2000 and 2002 movie Digimon the movie. I went and saw that with my sister and with the only people in cinema. It's a great film. I love my favorite movies are the ones that have the movie in the title. Just in case you can't tell.

Ass the movie. In fact, actually, it was free, very long episodes in one thing. But anyway, one of the things the big, you know, to Digimon become one and they attack this kind of attack Hillary Clinton again. Internet virus, but she can't defend herself. She has Peter has Peter Dow come in Peter Dow is definitely and also prove that he can't defend Peter. Peter Dow is definitely Hillary Clinton's Pokemon.

My favorite thing on Peter Dow's Twitter account was that he continually like retweets praise of himself where people are praising how good he is at defending Hillary Clinton. Usually like just like random celebrities. They have one where he tweeted something about like, oh, yeah, well, you know, people just so much about them and not so much about Hillary Clinton. Some generic like Hillary's great tweet.

And then like Nancy Sinatra quote, tweet him and was like, yes, great point, Peter. I've always been part of the hashtag resistance and he's like retweeted it Nancy Sinatra. I was genuinely surprised was still alive. And in her Twitter, AVI looks like a corpse. Like, you know when they like they dig up a new like Pharaoh? Well, I mean, they're not really new Pharaohs, but new to us.

That is like what Nancy Sinatra looks like. She's going, yes, Hillary is the future. Are we ever going to be able to escape 2016? It's the end of 2017. Like we get it cornered in like the old, the old mill and we like tie it up. And then the dog is going like, oh, we pull off its mask. It's like I was 2016 all along. Like old man 2016 is like, I would have gotten away with it too.

It wasn't for you meddling libs. That's that's literally what kind of bot do you use to like get prompts for this fucking podcast? Well, that's just the thing. I mean, we're that we still have the ongoing fight between if you like the well in in in Britain, we still have the ongoing conflict between the sort of momentum wing of the Labor Party and the like five Blairite zombies that are left, you know, that are getting slowly

Twittered into oblivion whenever they're asked who the hard left are in America. There's this sort of, you know, there's the primary between Bernie and Hillary still never ended and people are still, you know, trying to stick up for again one of the singularly most sort of powerful and wealthy women in the history of the country. And people are still listening to the chain smokers. So yeah, so yeah, maybe pull me closer in the backseat of your drone.

I think my candidate for angriest online in 2017 is Peter Dow, who's still angry on who is still angry online in 2016 as of the release of this episode in 2018. Are we going to add him when like this guys? Oh, for sure. Okay, I'm I do a lot. I spent a long time sort of, you know, trying to get Peter Dow to retweet me by saying stuff like Hillary is so respected. She could, you know, she could we could hook her up to an electric

system and she could power the city with her radiance. Yeah, I mean, I want to get retweeted by him so I can then change my display name to Hillary Clinton is five star video hoe and just and have that on his on his on his timeline because I think that steam would just come out of his ears like he was a boiled kettle, which I think would be very fun. Peter, thank you for your service. It's been a pleasure. Hussein.

Hello. You I we spoke about earlier about some developments at British universities, including a man whose name we can't make fun of by reversing the first letters of his first and last name because it would become a racial slur. I mean, there's lots of stuff that happens at British universities. Party weekends, ski trips. More students deciding for weather spoons, toilets, reasons of strength. Gender that you are pushing.

I mean, I only came on this show to promote celibacy, voluntary celibate strength. And once I develop these pills next year, I'll be promoting the show as well. So just force plus look out for in stores 2018. Brainforce chuds. Watch out. I'm about to disrupt the market. He's superglue the tip of his penis.

But put a clothes peg on the end. Just so I am getting pegged in January. No, it's not what you think. Wait, Olga, is that what you thought pegging was? It's like, come on, Olga, I really need to pee and there's not a toilet stop for miles. You're going to have to peg me. What?

While we're here and we're all talking about our dicks, we should really talk about our January challenge, right? So there are some people that are going vegan. There are some people who are taking up going like weightlifting. All of us have taken up a vow to not pee for all of January. Yeah. I'm taking a massive pee at 11.59 on December 31st. If you take a massive pee at 11.58 and 35 seconds, you'll be finished with your pee

by midnight. What a good way to start 2018. The last splash will occur exactly midnight, depending on how many points you've had. As I don't have a penis, my vow is a bit different. What I'm going to do is I'm only going to pee on someone. Okay. That's fine. So Olga is a part-time dominatrix.

So DMS and if you're lucky, we can arrange up. Yeah, we can. Please don't DM us any images of waterfalls. We have to pee on like King of Last Week. Yeah. So King of Last Week, Peter Dow. 100%. Hillary.

You can wear a Hillary mask and then, you know, Peter Dow, you can be Hillary's toilet. Which is the most, I think probably the most honorable thing you could do. Log off forever, please. You can be my toilet, baby. You probably like to get peed on. Let's go. We're not about to king shame here though, right? It's okay to want to.

It's cool to want to get peed on, but if you're... Hey kids, listen up. Clean audio for that one, please. I'm Riley Quinn, and I'm here to say... Coprophilia is the only way. The Daily Mail says rap is causing people to like skunk cannabis, but my rap songs are going to cause people to like something very different. I also don't...

I am aware that Coprophilia is the poo one, but I don't know the name for the pee one. Don't write in. So let's talk about an icon of the show. A guy called... And this is his real name. It's not a porn star name. Nigel Bigger. Nice.

He's as racist as he sounds, ladies and gentlemen. I'm looking at... How racist does he sound? Relatively. So I'm going to show you guys a picture of Nigel Bigger right now, and I feel that it can be really easily captioned, but as quote-unquote professional comedians, you guys might have a better shot at it than I would. So here we go.

Yeah, he wants me to pee on him. I think that picture of Nigel Bigger is actually saying, no, I didn't ask you to pee on me. She slipped and I had some trouble moving, okay? So maybe drop this disciplinary hearing. The way he's standing with his arms folded, actually, after the full picture, he's standing next to a pothole being like, this pothole has been here for seven months. I have written over 50 emails to the council about this. I mean, I feel like he's the type of guy who eats a ready meal for Christmas, and then

he'll go to the corner shop the next day and complain that there wasn't as much Angus, beef and steak in the Fintos pie as usual, and who can he write to? Nigel Bigger wants to speak to everyone's manager. And when he realizes that the corner shop is a family-owned business, and therefore he is talking to the manager, he'll then go off on some screed about how if only the empire continued to exist. Do you think maybe he's gone off on a screed like that? I feel this is the origin story.

I feel like he was really mad that there wasn't enough meat in his Fintos pie. Fintos being a British traditional microwave pie that you eat when you're involuntarily celibate. You mean like how Peter Sweden wants to preserve Norwegian Hungry Man dinners and routinely gets owned for having terrible taste of food. I eat microwave beef for strength. Honestly, that photo is like this guy is watching his ex-wife work out at the gym. He is outside peering through.

He looks like an actual cuckold, doesn't he? Yeah, big time. Oh my God. No king shaming here. No king. Sorry. Being a cuck is fine. Just call me.

Hashtag I'm with her. What has Nigel Bigger actually done other than try to speak to the manager? So I'm trying to find where the quote. All right. So what he said is Nigel Bigger sparked a debate with an article in November in The Times headlined don't feel guilty about our colonial history. He advocated for a balanced appraisal of Britain's quote unquote morally mixed colonial past pointing to the pride in the Royal Navy suppression of the Atlantic slave trade alongside shame

at the massacre of British soldiers who attacked on armed demonstrators in Amritsar in 1919. Yeah. So colonialism was a mixed bag. Yeah. Oh, I just love it. How it's like, oh yeah. Now white people are so great for abolishing slavery. They started slavery.

The bait and switch. We can't start slavery. No guys, then we're going to get rid of it. And I'll be like, those guys got rid of slavery. Those guys are the OGs of getting rid of slavery. Who started slavery? No one remembers. As we know, slavery was drunk.

As we know that slavery was originally started by the Muslims and therefore it's completely fine. They weren't even drunk. They don't even have that excuse. The last thing is that people like Nigel Bigger do often say you say it's so hateful. It's so hateful when you just say his name. He is. He is very.

Nigel Bigger had sleep with your girlfriend. Oh shit. I forgot she's here. Sorry. No king shaming girl. Are we about to DTR on this podcast? DTR. Define the relationship.

I thought it was going to be like down to. I mean, I mean, it would be very down to repudiate. Are you proposing to your girlfriend? Hey, congratulations. You just got engaged. Now it's for people. They're saying I have to ask you. Will you watch Digimon the movie with me?

Just got engaged. Now I'm getting divorced. I have some opinions about British colonial. I'm going to yell at my ex-wife to the glass in the gym. No one remembers who started this marriage. The point is I'm the one divorcing. I mean, this is it really Nigel. Nigel Bigger is just really saying what all your uncle said at Christmas dinner just before

they went off on this on a screen about how like your cousin's dating a black man called like Jerome and how he didn't raise his like family to date. You know, grunge rappers. But he's not racist. Jerome put himself through grad school. Okay. Imagine a grime rapper called Jerome. And, you know, he got everyone World War Two books from W.H. Smith Christmas.

Yeah, World War Two enthusiast. Yes. His grandkids were like, thank you. Thank you, granddad. And he kind of discarded it and he spent the rest of Christmas dinner mumbling about how kids these days don't appreciate their history and that's why the Ottomans are now taking over. This is becoming autobiographical.

Like, look, I'm not kind of recalling any sort of Christmas from like past relationships because as people know that didn't happen, but they did, I imagine that would be the case. I love the idea of the Ottomans taking over Aldi. Like Aldi just progressively selling more and more foot stools until eventually it becomes really angry. There's only one lettuce in the whole store. I don't need this much foot cushioning. I think Nigel Bigger's take is not necessarily new.

It's one that, you know, it sort of comes up every sort of couple of months. There is going to be it happens like clockwork. There is good or some sort of older shitty academic in this case. He's a regious professor of moral philosophy at some Oxford College. He is the the canon of Christchurch Cathedral Oxford. Yeah. Bastion of progressivism. He actually fires lead.

Yeah. This happens every couple of months where someone like Nigel Bigger will say something on the lines of well basically say white and blow in the doors of your keep. White people shouldn't have to white people shouldn't have to feel bad about colonial history. We in fact what we should be immune to ever having to feel any kind of responsibility for any way the world is now clean audio on that and here's and here's why etc. etc. And then there will inevitably someone they and then after publishing that they will then

come out and say that they're being discriminated against for being conservative and that actually they're the real victims which once again is something that has happened here with the if you like it's sort of the delicous this sort of brittle delicacy of campus conservatives. Now it's kind of become this thing where you know it's sort of very weird 2017 story of like you know this image of a secluded academic who's just devoted to his studies and is largely apolitical suddenly getting into you know you know involuntarily and like completely you know completely disregarding what he was trying to achieve to do now in this political argument you know this kind of weird political argument.

He is now being followed by like various like right wing accounts he will probably get invited on to like the Rubin report in the next couple of weeks and it will be down to like oh you know you were just doing scholarship and it's all like academic freedom and freedom of speech and we're left who are trying to shut you down and everything. So really that's what it's come down to. It's come down to this very recycled you know fairly like mundane uninspired take which is now gained like you know even Tim Montgomery is kind of. Oh Tim Montgomery has a terrible opinion.

Famed editor of Cal website Tim Montgomery who's just tweeted good to see the times continuing to cover the intolerant attitudes of academics towards Nigel Bigger. Well and that's that and that that's just the thing and this is sort of where this goes from sort of a simple you know. There's more to this. Yes. So at the bottom of Tim Montgomery tweeting his support Jeep here from New Republic he says the inability to see that imperialism was a horrific crime against humanity is a

major intellectual and moral failing fair enough Nigel Bigger responds and what is quote unquote imperialism exactly. Oh he's doing the John rental defense. I don't know what any of these words mean. I'm a genius who doesn't speak English. I win the argument. I think that's how I might just like conduct all my internet arguments next year. I only argue in Esperanto now.

The thing this has gone from just sort of an online fight between you know generally that's an online fight that sort of happens again and again. It's moving it's moving into policy as Joe Johnson a brother of famous boiled ham Boris Johnson. He's too hairy to be boiled boiled ham and a Donald Trump wig Boris Johnson better is using this as an example of how universities are going to now be fined. If they infringe on what he has he says free speech so for example if I don't know say Tommy Robinson was to try and you know be arranged to go speak at some university.

If if the university decides to give into pressure from students to prevent Tommy Robinson from speaking the university will then be fined. I really want like Tommy Robinson to do a tour of the UK University is talking about like his why he's never drinking again because it is really bad hangover that you have that one time. I've talked about this on the podcast for the great off brand Tommy Robinson to in the middle of all his like random like the Muslims tweets that was almost just like from like a Sunday morning was like I am never drinking again.

Yeah, it's just like what if it turns out that all of Tommy Robinson's sort of hate activity was just him being blackout drunk for years. And you can't read so therefore he doesn't even know what he's been tweeting. He's written more tweets than he's read. So it's like in everybody says I love you. Oh God, I should not be referencing a Woody Allen film. But like how like a guy went really left wing and then it turns out that he had a brain tumor and then they removed it and he was conservative again.

I mean isn't that like a plot point. So Joe and this is this goes into like a really weird concept racial slur cortex of the brain. There's an amazing. There's an amazing Russian joke where it was like Gorbachev tried to try to like basically like fine. I don't remember. Basically he would like tried to make alcohol less legal in Russia. And then the joke was that like the the the serfs from Siberia called in and they said

we're sobering up. Where did you do what this are? I don't know who this is a joke for. Where's where's big Nikki to yeah where my boy at. So Joe Johnson justifies this by saying that free speech was one of the foundations on which the UK's higher education tradition was built. It goes to the heart of our democratic values and as a principal universities hold dear. There are in the he sees this as examples of censorship where groups seek to stifle

those who don't agree with them. Largely you know forgetting that what if if you are a if you are a student group you're not and you're no platforming someone you're not you're not protecting yourself from views you disagree with. It's one of the few ways you can actually exert any kind of power. Yeah it's it's where the it's what it's this sort of frustrating snowflake narrative that emerges again and again and again. Yeah it's weird because I don't really know even what like Joe Johnson means by like

universities play to free speech because does he not mean like for academics for a long time. He used to be burned if you were Catholic. And you know we'll bring it back. That's what I say. I have some sick burns for Catholic confession you look like shit. Oh yeah so like the academic freedom thing is like it's so it's the classic thing where like the difference in censorship and just like not giving someone a platform. But we're like so if it's like if it's like academic freedom I mean like so I know you're

bigger I don't really understand what's actually happening to him but like he's getting like a lot of like ag online but is is like actually like unpublishing his research. It's also like freedom of speech is the most bullshit argument ever because that's the only reason you are you're saying that you're saying it is because you're allowed to say it. That means that there's really no other like I'm allowed to say it is not a good enough reason to say something. All I'm saying is that like maybe the University of Bedfordshire should let me come back and argue that women should not be allowed to play video games.

All I'm saying is that space invaders is ruined because they keep getting their periods. To develop a colonialist version of space invaders like mineral raiders. Definitely it's a point is I think it's all these people who are ultimately you know trying to trying to defend people like Nigel Bigger because they're saying their views are being marginalized as they're essentially just forgetting what power means and they're imagining that all of these interactions take place sort of net of power. I don't even think they even give a shit. They're like the people who care about this are like the spikes crowd the the chuds at

universities who read spikes and like I'm probably all wear ties. Yeah, they all like yeah they all wear ties and like round glasses. Yeah, they all I'm sure that odd love for me to pee on them. They probably would like they want you they'd want you to pee on them, but they'd want to do it in public because it's not illegal. I'm allowed to do this price is right. I have to film it because I'm really concerned about sexual assault allegations. These are all guys who definitely like carry around a sex contract with them

because they're really worried that you just hold up today's newspaper and say I can send to the camera. Yeah, those are the guys who care about this. You know people like Nigel Bigger and then you've got like you know the Dave Rubins and you can do and you can have like conversations about freedom of speech at universities. I think that they're largely misplaced and like very you know they're sort of sort of fruitless, but if you really want to do it, you can do it right.

But I feel that when you kind of give highlight to these guys like Nigel Bigger guys like you know Tommy Robinson, but also just these kind of people who exist in the middle of them like these fringe people who make a living from like making YouTube videos and talking and suddenly like they're kind of these you know they frame themselves as intellectuals who should be allowed to address you know and tell their great ideas on campus when like you know they don't have anything that hasn't already been recycled. You know and if you really cared about freedom of speech, if you really cared

about freedom of speech on campus like the threat isn't from like external speakers and it's not from like student socialists. It's from like you know companies like Deloitte right. It's like you know city law firms who like fund you know fun. I was saying on Twitter that like when I was at university I used to work, I used to do stuff with the student newspaper and I remember this time when we had to spike a piece about graduate schemes because one of the biggest graduate employers funded our newspapers so and you end up having to

spike the whole story because without talking about this company like you can't tell the story beyond like very abstract terms. This is a lot more common than I think people give credence for and you know. You would have had a column deleted for a student newspaper because I was like hating on like those recruitment events. They used to particularly Oxford like the wanky recruitment events with like canapes and champagne and everyone would just go there and brown nose and I went once because I like wanted free canapes and I was like I was walking

around and I was like this is the way everyone else is wearing suits. I mean like a jumper that I've been wearing for three days. Look, I was the biggest recruiter there. No one's saying that you can't get good swag from corporate companies you know. Mugs, yellow beanies, a 200 dollar bonus check. I thought that was just a coupon to Dave and Busters. Dave, no, Buzzfeed is pivoting. They're now Dave and Buzzfeed.

It's actually a blockchain company. I mean you laugh at this but like I wouldn't be surprised if 2018 was the year that Jonah actually decided to pivot to like restaurants. Anyway. Hiya Jay Rainer. Jay Rainer, friend of the show now actually. Jay Rainer who is on first name basis for all of us and did say last night. And so we'll be coming on which is pretty fun.

He's one of us. He's just we Jay. Jay, make sure you know if you want to be peed on or not. Yeah, because I just I'll just know if I just have water before the show. Quantity of pee for each show. Evian, Perrier. We're going to take a break and drink some water. Bye Lightning.

Bear in mind we had one bit of feedback from the show, because there are too many jokes about paedophiles. Okay. Well, maybe if powerful people stop not saying we'll stop making those jokes. That's the deal. There you go. Yeah, why? It's like it's not that we're making jokes about like paedophilia being okay.

Like the chaos is very much just like we've been satirizing. Very anti. Yeah. I don't really see why there's a problem with that. Guys, I would this is this is like a bit dark, but basically over Christmas break, I downloaded a bunch of like old family films on my laptop. Well, there's like so many videos of me bathing as a child,

like too many videos of me bathing as a child and they're on my laptop. So there's like a toddler being bathed on my laptop currently. It's me, but is that okay? Right in. Honestly though, is it illegal? Would it be illegal? This is the legal what if podcast. I mean, yeah, because I mean they're not they're not like sexual images.

You can have anything could be sexual. Like people have jerked off to let. Well, yeah, but I mean that. I want to rename this podcast. As Roddy's quote unquote girlfriend points at him. I know a guy who had a bunch of pictures on his laptop of on his work laptop of guys fucking cars. Where do you fuck it into?

What do you think? Oh, really? Into the vagina. But I feel like that's the least sexy part of the car shortly. Oh, did you see that video of someone who taped a fleshlight to the exhaust pipe of a van? It was so hypnotic and yet as terrifying. So when he when he gave his laptop back to his office, he had to explain why all these images were on his cool fucking drinks after static images.

That's the fucking gross thing. It's respectable. Distills and ultimately it's just a stimulant, but it keeps your mind working because you have to, you know, the problem with modern porn these days as my grandfather, Nigel Biggs is that you just don't have to do the work to make the story. Yeah. I actually jerk off to static images because my roommate is a snake

and it can't see static images. So it doesn't know what I'm doing. I'm just looking at insurance. He's like, why do you have a hard and I'm like, it's very good deal. Hit. Take that anonymous. Highest clover war jokes from Milo Edwards are my favorite. So famous famous left wing organization, the US Army,

has decided to use video game technology to simulate school shootings because 2017 is fine. They don't happen often enough. You can learn from them. There's not enough data. Yeah. No. I mean, the best simulation of a school shooting is just to hang around

a school and wait if you're in the US like statistically. No. Yeah. Anyway. So what's interesting about this is that they've like, they've spent $5.6 million on something called the enhanced dynamic geo social environment program. This is a simulated school.

Wait. So the idea is that like I want to do a school shooting. Instead I'd play this video game to kind of get it out of my system. As opposed to go shoot up an actual school. This is right wing anime. It's a simulator. This is literally the same reason why I play the Sims. So that I can have sex online rather than in real life.

Well, I think the really suspicious thing is the Sims busting out school shooting. The really suspicious thing here, of course, this is about training people to respond to school shootings. But the really suspicious thing is when people come in and they don't want to train on entering or leaving the school. It's not the point. This is a very classic style American policy prescription for

this kind of problem, isn't it? Well, yeah, because I mean, it's like, well, yes, I mean, because the thing is actually there's no need for this because the Americans are actually very good at dealing with school because they have so many of them. They've had a lot of practice like that. It's not the problem that like the military and the police in America don't efficiently stop school shooting soon after they

begin because they do. But like, why wouldn't it be better if they didn't begin? Well, that's not it. We can't possibly take the guns away from the animals. That's not possible. We can't have a wholesome education without feeling that you could die at any day. Yeah.

It's the reason why American kids appreciate trigonometry so much. It adds a level of intensity. When you're playing rock, paper, scissors and the other kid is carrying an AR-15. You're not going to fuck around. No, exactly. You're going to throw on three.

Yeah. An armed society is a polite society. But that is just the most American style solution to a policy problem I've ever heard, which is we have this thing that has an obvious cause and what we're going to do is we're going to make a video game about it. You prefer the video game version. I like the Lego one more.

It's like, hmm, a lot of crime associated with illegal drugs. Let's solve that problem by making them more illegal. When will all the guys in Hollywood be coming out as like having shot a load of kids? Maybe if we introduce podcast culture into American schools, there would be less shootings. Well, it's instead of... Even that is more effective than a video game simulator.

A video game simulator. So a simulator... What? A game within a game. I want a video game simulator for... I want a podcast simulator. Was it like to be Twitter famous? Like for Windows 98 podcast simulator.

I want to be... I want a simulator where I can be the paperclip from all the windows or from Microsoft Office. What's it like to like view incompetent people on Microsoft Word from the paperclips perspective? What is the fanfic on that? There is actually a fair amount of Tumblr fanfic about the paperclip. That's not center.

That's justifier. Terrible. Terrible. Do you think if you justify text enough it becomes... Joe Johnson tells you to stop suppressing it. Seminal album justified. Or the Timothy Olyphant TV show? There was one... I remember he was in that movie of Hitman.

A video game to real life transition. The really suspicious thing about podcast simulator is when the people come in to simulate podcasts but they never simulate landing a podcast. So an influential former Tory minister, Nick Bowles. Sorry, can we get a repeat on that one? Influential... Sorry, Tory former minister.

He is still a Tory. He was formerly a minister. Nick Bowles. Not to be confused with Nick in the bowl. No, not to. Has written a book. No relation. This is going to surprise everyone.

Has written a book about why any kind of basic income, any kind of non-means tested... You can spend a nice Starbucks and like... Oh! Getting it in the file. Oh, yeah. He's saying any kind of universal basic income program is dangerous nonsense, surprisingly.

Really, a Tory minister saying that UBI is dangerous nonsense is shocking to me. Almost like any idiot can write a book these days. Was it in Latin? No, he's not. He's not a Marxist. If he was really brave, he would make a 16 volume manga series.

Well, this new manga by Nick Bowles, the MP for Grantham and former skills minister... Nick Bowles who always has to clarify that he's never stolen any crockery. This book is entitled Square Deal. And in it, he just raises some, I think, relatively sort of excruble points that we'll probably be hearing quite a bit more of

as time goes on. So, just as we know, as a sort of think tank friend of the show has said, that 44% of jobs in the UK economy could probably be automated in the coming decades, mostly lower paid workers being displaced, and one of the solutions being mooted by John McDonnell, absolute boy,

is something like universal basic income. Yeah, and that's why the trashage podcast is going fully automated in 2018. It's going to be Siri, Microsoft, Sam and Alexa, and whatever the Google one is called. Finally, some women on the podcast. Evil syndicated women. So, Nick Bowles has done,

he has raised some objections to universal basic income, and that's not to say there aren't objections to universal basic income. Some of them are just that they might, they basically prop up a market economy, but what really left us should be doing is looking to get beyond a market economy. Yeah, and the provost will spend it all on fags and booze anyway.

That was a joke. Don't write in, it was a joke. The young Tory WhatsApp group has logged on. Control F, fags and booze. So, Nick Bowles has written that the main objection to the idea of universal basic income is basically moral. He says that when intelligent machines make most of us redundant,

enthusiasts suggest we will dispense with the idea of earning a living and find true fulfillment in writing poetry, playing music, nurturing plants and doing irony podcasting. Sounds lit. I can only be made redundant by a dumb machine. So, take that science. That, he says, is dangerous nonsense.

Mankind is hardwired to work. It's natural. Mankind is hard. That opinion is that mankind is naturally hardwired to work. It gives us a sense of identity, purpose and belonging. We should not be trying to create a world in which most people do not feel the need to work. My favorite thing is when politicians do any kind of pseudoscience

and like assumptions about biology and anthropology. It's just my favorite. It's like that guy in America who was like, a woman's body knows when it's getting raped, so women don't get pregnant. Like, what the fuck kind of ass place are you taking the science from, you dickwad? A woman's body knows when it's being raped,

but no one will ever believe it. That's too fucking real. Sorry for being too real for y'all. No, but it's like, they're politicians. Why are they making sweeping claims about biology? This is a reality-based podcast. This to me is a classic one of those like, it's an interesting area of the Venn diagram of Tory takes

like, there's like a nugget of truth in it, but the direction he's going with it is so wrong. It's like, I mean, maybe it's great. Maybe it enables people to just do something they're interested in or not. Or maybe you get huge swathes of people who are just like fucking rudderless, I don't know. But that's not an argument against giving people money.

Well, I think this is one of these things that tells us more about Nick Boles than it does about really anything else. Because he is someone whose imagination is so circumscribed that he can only imagine deriving purpose from... They did that at birth, you know. He didn't have any say in that. He's clearly never eaten ass before.

Yeah, he could have all this time for ass-eating. Or a listening back-to-back trash future podcast. That's what I do. I'm at my shitty office trip. But it's essentially, it's another one of these things that is essentially like pure ideology, right? If you believe... If it is in your interest to maintain

an extraordinarily hierarchized, unequal system, then of course you're going to say it's natural. And of course you're going to say it's somehow sort of naturally immoral. I think that gives a lot of credit to Nick Boles. It gives the impression that he's actually smart and is doing this. That he's conscious of knowing what he's doing.

Whereas I feel with a lot of people who take his perspective in this argument, it comes down to more of this... It comes down to this idea of like work itself, right? And what work is supposed to represent this whole mythology around like the Protestant work ethic. And like, you know, you said it yourself, like humans are... What do you say?

Like humans are kind of hard? You say, yeah. Men kind of hardwired to work. Humans are hard to work. It's such a productivity for the sake of productivity. And it completely ignores the fact that when we're talking about work now, we're not talking... Well, we don't really know what will happen after Brexit,

but we're not really talking about like sending your sons off to work in the farms, or to like build log cabins and stuff, right? You're sending them to go work for like fucking shitty recruitment firms and consultancies. Whether they'll be given beanies. Whether they'll be given yellow beanies. That's just the thing.

It's essentially, we've already invented sort of endless reams of difficult... I am sending my son to a farm. A Bitcoin farm? A Bitcoin mine, isn't it? Yeah. Okay, let me do that again. No, but they all call Bitcoin farms.

What they do there is mining. It's pretty confusing. Actually, none of this makes sense. He said we should not be trying to create a world in which most people do not feel the need to work because of some vague argument. Yeah. It would somehow be worse, you know,

if I didn't have to go into a job and be a Twitter guru and a social media optimizing expert. Look, all I'm saying is that... Stop talking about your job, Riley. All I'm saying is that my personal job... My personal job of being an urban monk... Celebrity takes work.

Yeah, you know, look, all I'm saying is that unlike Jay Shetty, who likes to half-ass things, when I talk about being a monk, I go the whole way. Which includes getting rid of all the Muslims in Bangladesh, so... Yeah, I mean, if Jay Shetty got a universal-based income

of just a million dollars a week, I mean, it might have been more, it might have been less, doesn't matter. If he got a universal-based income of a million dollars a week, he could self-actualize and go for his real dream, which is to open a real-life Digimon mine.

Guys, okay, I think there is a happy medium. The happy medium is you do get a universal-based income, except it's a yellow beanie and a coupon to northern bastards. Nice. Joe DiPeresi, ahead of the game as usual. Where you can win more. How good are you at throwing a basketball

into a sort of consensual ring? Hit or miss, hit or miss. All Nick Bulls is really saying is that, look, since the dawn of civilization, human beings have been hardwired to sit at their desks, listening to irony-left podcasts, and filling out spreadsheets for stationary supplies. You can Nick Bulls listen to trashy chairs.

Yeah, Nick Bulls is the Zoon user. Oh, that makes so much sense. That's why he loves work. Nick Bulls and Jay Shetty, I think, are basically sort of two sides of the same coin in this case, where they're both sort of saying, you must derive all of your purpose from... Work, work, work, work, work.

Willfully offering yourself up as a sacrifice, and generally sort of feeling a sense of gratitude and belonging from the labor you sort of give, because you're compelled to, sort of up the chain to the sort of shrinking ownership class. I think we should, when Square Deal comes out, I would very much like to get a copy of it. If you wanted to know how Bulls is thought of,

Bulls is widely viewed by his colleagues. It's one of the more thoughtful backbenchers in a party hungry for a convincing repost to Corbin's socialism. He also makes an economic argument. He says, currently, the government is able to target help on those who need it most, and can therefore afford to be modestly generous. He says, if everyone were to receive the same basic income,

the poorest would suffer a big drop in their income, while average earners' taxes would go up. What? You can now still have a welfare state and universal basic income. Yes. He's saying that somehow, for some reason, the poorest would suffer a decrease in income. It's not really clear why.

He just sort of asserts it. Because I would make sure they did. It means it's like, is this another fucking libertarian talking point, isn't it? It's just like, we can't implement this or that, because it would hit the poorest the hardest, and any sort of interrogation of that point usually leads to nothing,

but they still use it as a talking point. It's a basic assumption that because man is hardwired to work, and very hard, and rock hard. Man is rock hardwired to work. Rock hard for pegging the point. But at the same time, if not sort of forced to work and threatened with starvation for not working,

then the inevitable result is a crash in productivity, investment, and wages. Even so, we're hardwired to work, but unless we're forced to by starvation, we won't. Which is, I think, that sort of ridiculous contradiction at the heart of Nick Boll's speech. In conclusion, tired, universal basic income,

wired, bring back the workhouse. I mean, it's going to happen, isn't it? It's going to happen. What will it be called? That's why I want to know what will they call it? How will they rebrand the workhouse? Like something... Job center?

Job center. The Academy for improving skills and education. It'll be like the Mr. Motivator incubator or something like that. The Deloitte Academy for their sponsor. Oh yeah, that's what it'll be, won't it? It'll just be like a fucking academy, where you learn how to be outstrip yourself in excellence. Like in Matilda.

Oh, so it's going to be... Jay Shetty is going to be in charge of the future workhouse of Britain. Yeah. So, you know, they'll have big screens, and on those screens, they'll just kind of... Motivation. Jay and Shetty videos. Excellent.

Trying hard. Guys. Being good. Guys, we just made a Black Mirror episode. We can't sign off at this point. Something light? I think we can do one more thing. I'm not sure about one thing yet.

Oh, we can just play the song. Let's just sing it. It's easier to sing it. Ready? Okay. How does the song go? Eat my ass, baby. Today, eat my ass.

Bye, everyone. Is that it? Okay. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.