TRASHFUTURE - Operation Save Big Red Dog: TF Live in London feat. Devon

Episode Date: November 26, 2024

We performed live at Between the Bridges in London on Sunday, 24th November 2024. Storm Bert was raging. November’s train got canceled due to it being wet. The wind itself took issue with our venue. But we convened before a crowd, joined by ultimate friend of the show Devon from the Kill James Bond podcast, to discuss Boris Johnson’s new tell-all memoir. It is… a lot. Get access to more Trashfuture episodes each week on our Patreon! *MILO ALERT* Check out Milo’s UK Tour here: https://miloedwards.co.uk/live-shows Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and November (@postoctobrist)

Between the bridges, please welcome to the stage the thankfully former Prime Minister the United Kingdom Boris Johnson Hello, I know what you're thinking Christ Ian Duncan Smith's back from Turkey Wait until you see his veneers. Hello everyone. I'm sorry I'm late. I was just having a quick game of Whiff Whap, which is still legal even in Sadiq Khan's London. It's great to see so many of you here for my book launch.

Of course, with so many people in one room in the south of England, there is a substantial chance that at least some of you are my illegitimate children. Fortunately, I have a solution for this. I've been watching a lot of a television program called Oprah, and taking my inspiration from her, I've put a paternity test under each one of your seats. Please just pee in the cup provided

and hand it to the venue staff, and by the end of the show, they'll let you know if you need to see me afterwards. But that's not the main point of today's event. Today's about my new book, Unleashed, and I want to clarify at this stage, it has absolutely nothing to do with comedy unleashed. A group of people you could not accuse

of having any unprotected sex with anyone. The point of my book is that when I was PM, I was leashed. I was a very naughty puppy. I was chained up. I was I was a very naughty puppy. I was chained up. I was drinking from a bowl and eating kibble from my master Rishi who wouldn't let me have any treats. I wasn't even allowed to have one work picnic with cocktail sausages from Tesco. It's nothing sacred. But despite being a good little sub for the dominant powers that be, I still achieved a great deal in

my career. Brexit, the 2012 Olympics, redecorating 10 Downing Street and killing Captain Tom by ordering British Airways to expose him to the novel coronavirus. But of course, I have one crowning achievement, Liz Truss. Like a sclerotic Roman emperor, I ensured my successor would be so damned by history that people would barely remember the time I hid in a fridge. So I hope you enjoy my book. I think you'll find the various chapters coalesce and coagulate in a way that is almost glutinous.

I believe it was the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius who first wrote a rambling memoir about how he was the best political leader of his time and I think you'll agree this is very much in that vein. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage political leader of his time. And I think you'll agree, this is very much in that vein. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Trashfuture. ["Trashfuture"] Yep, that is the same wig I used for Liz Truss. Amazing how the Prime Minister changed, but the hairstyle was relatively consistent.

Never say the trash-shooter isn't green. Reduce, reuse, recycle. Thank you, Milo, for keeping them going for a little bit while I moved the table. I know how to vamp. Hello Between the Bridges. Thank you for coming out during Storm Burt. Now you may notice, vis-a-vis Storm Burt, that November is Devin. Yeah, she died.

Yeah, R.I.P. Storm Burt got her. Storm Burt got her, but it was knife crime. Storm Burt got her with knife crime. It's terrible, all these storms stabbing each other. Someone should do something about it. Between the Bridges, thank you so much for coming out braving the wind and rain and sleet and snow to hear about Boris Johnson's book, which I think we can all agree all of your journeys here combined are about one tenth as much hardship as I went through reading

all 700 pages of it. 700? 700 pages of pure gold. Not a word of filler. At least 400 of those pages are just guttural noises. Oh no, okay, you laugh, but no. There's one section where he starts each paragraph with like, biff, pow, thud-a-roo. Oh my God.

I was going to say it would be very embarrassing to be killed by a storm named like Hubert or something like that. Bert definitely comes close, but I think I would rather be killed by a storm millhouse than read 700 pages of this. I was killed by Storm Poindexter. Also, I wanted to note, by the way, Milo, you mentioned, or sorry, when Boris Johnson was here, he mentioned the Fridge episode. He addresses the Fridge episode in the book to try to make an excuse as to why it wasn't his fault.

Nice. Nice. We're going to get to that. Is it illegal for a man to engage in Wim Hof? Terribly sorry to announce the little boy was a bitch. He shouldn't have been lying on that floor anyway. 3.34am, going back for more olives. So I have read this fucking book, and as I said,

we're very grateful to Devin here for coming across from Cardiff to help us talk about it and. Thank you. Devin Heads, we are in control. Devin had to come here by wagon train. I got like the last plane out of Cardiff before the storms fully wiped it out. I want to get right, I have like 20 pages of notes.

We're not going to get through all of it, but we're going to make a good college try. And also the more sort of hooting and hooliganish you are, I will pick the hootingist hooligan to take home a signed copy of the Devil's tune by Ian Duncan Smith. Crucially. There we go. Yes, yes, I see full fingers.

Yes, that's exactly what I wanted. This is going to make you a posting superstar on all the uncle forums, all right? And no, you cannot say no. If you are picked, you have to take it. You must take The Devil's Tune by Ian Duncan Smith. You've been cursed. The only way you can get rid of it is by engineering a silly contest to give it to someone else. It's like It Follows. His uncle follows. Yeah.

I also want to note this book is of course not signed by Ian Duncan Smith. It is signed by us and also it is signed by our friend Noah, who founded in a used bookstore in the States somehow. I don't know. Who would sell on such a work of literature? So that means at some point, someone in Britain bought Ian Duncan Smith, The Devil's Tune, one of the 18 people that did so in its first week.

Not lying, that's the real number. I will say, it is bearing none of the markers of having been read. That is a flawless book. Who bought that, just left it on the shelf for a couple of weeks and was like, no, I can't. Low mileage copy. It was owned by a little old lady who only read it on Tuesdays.

Only ever read in the dry, mostly kept in the garage. Yeah. Mint. We're going to talk about this book, unfortunately. The gods are trying to stop us. No, they said. No, don't talk about this book in woke London. Another thing before we start, though, I'd like to note, Boris Johnson, the first really

relatable thing I think he ever did was haunt this exact Fest-Zelt, I guess. He was fired from the coverage of the US election because he wouldn't stop promoting his book on the news. Yes. Which I think we can agree is the first normal thing he's ever done. And this was, was this 72 versions or this book? That would have been so much funnier. No, that was this book.

Everybody, I've written a very racist book. You should check it out now that it's back in office. I mean, there is something to be said for plugging your book from 20 years ago and trying to find a way to make it relevant in the 2024 election. I've added an eroticist action. It's all about polyamory.

I've heard they're into this these days. I've heard about book talk. They're calling it book talk. I learned about polyamory and I thought, Christ, I've been doing that for years. I met my good friend, Eric Adams, who said, what I've been doing for years is actually polyamory. Eric Adams is legitimately polyamorous. It's very amusing.

No. He's a polyamorous vegan who's unhoused. I'm just imagining an Eric Adams comparison. He wants to promote his friend's book. He's like, this is like the Torah for Armenians. The Eric Adams polychool is just him, his wife, and 14 agents of the Turkish security services. Istanbul is always the primary partner.

I'm going to start as always with some quotations and examples that I think capture the mood of the book before we go through it. I'm going to read two segments, one from the very beginning and one from towards the end. You have to understand how it felt in those early days in London. As the banking crisis took hold, it felt as the air was coming out of the gigantic bouncy castle that was folding and collapsing before our very eyes.

My job was to, and I'm reading the next lines verbatim from the book, go around and insert the nozzle of my patent morale pump into every orifice I could find. Oh. He loves to do that. So basically what he's saying is not only did he write a prescient political novel, he also invented VOR. That's when he was talking being London Mayor.

This next passage is about his economic leveling up boosterism after COVID. On days like this, I would walk around the corridors of Downing Street, shouting out, Morale pump coming, morale pump coming. No. I'm sure he did shout that to be fair. The idea that I was carrying some invisible paid morale pump and if everyone was feeling a bit flat,

I'd offer to insert the nozzle into the appropriate orifice and pump them up again. Dude, stop. Yeah, I love the idea of trying to get whoever the human resources person at 10 Downing Street to understand, like, yeah, the prime minister's been threatening people with involuntary M-Preg. Yeah.

No, I've just gotten really into balloon modeling. Who wants a little dog? And of course, right, the style is this is Boris Johnson. So he's like, oh, I'm being a bit ridiculous. The thing is, he's being a bit ridiculous, but it's very thin because you're like, wait a minute, you've got like 95 children. You've been doing a lot of insertion of the morale pump.

Hold on a second. Your self deprecation doesn't work here, sir. 95 children, the follow up to 72 virgins. Yeah. Next, I want to give you a sense of like the relentless tide Self deprecation doesn't work here, sir. 95 children that follow up to 72 virgins. Next, I want to give you a sense of the relentless tide of self exculpation in this book, because all the way from things that were widely marked and weren't his fault, apparently,

well, I'll give you some examples, to things that are genuinely dangerous and things that are provably insane. For example, he addresses the whiff-waff thing. We all remember the whiff-waff thing. When he was- Whiff-waff gate. I hate to be obligated to remember the whiff whaff thing. We all remember the whiff whaff thing. Yeah. Whiff whaff gate. I hate to be obligated to remember the whiff whaff thing. I don't actually remember what is the whiff whaff thing.

No, I have no fucking idea what the whiff whaff thing is. Oh, do you not? Do you guys not remember this? I didn't realize how niche a reference I was making. I will read the passage. And this is the well, he's giving a speech in the Bay at the end of the Beijing Olympics about the London upcoming Olympics. As my jingo spirit climbed and unaware that I was being watched on British TV, I claimed British paternity for just about every sport in the Olympics. My detractors, of course,

leaped on this stuff, all true by the way, and said it was just the kind of chauvinistic codswell up to expect from Johnson and accused me of being disrespectful to our host. However, I felt I caught the mood of the moment near enough. Well then claiming that actually ping pong was invented in Britain at the sort of tables of gentlemen's clubs. Only we called it with whiff. There was an insertion involved also slightly different in translation. We gave you with whiff opium. There are others. Yeah. So, and of course, when he says this, he's meaning to be a bit ridiculous, but then he's going back and saying, oh no, actually I was right. Anyone who said I was being faintly ridiculous is actually the one who's wrong.

It's just one example of the bizarre amount of score settling that happens across all 700 pages of this book. I do recall just him in character, the footage of him visiting one of the more, if not most sacred sites for Buddhism in Myanmar and starting to recite a Rudyard Kipling poem and the British ambassador was like, stop, no, not here. Not appropriate Prime Minister. It was never a bad time for a little bit of Kipling. He's like, no, not here, not the place. And I'm really not making this up or exaggerating, genuinely.

What about a country slice? Another one is where he's talking about, I mean, again, this is classic him and a few times in this, because I'm talking about Boris Johnson, you will see like a woofer end of sign just sprout naturally beside me, unfortunately, or I will I will become like a Romanian. It's just because you're talking about Boris Johnson. It's difficult to talk about him another way. Our surprise guest is the stop Brexit guy.

Yeah, we've got we've given him a vuvuzela and stationed him at the back of the room. We've got the world's most annoying hype man. That's right. So he also is talking about the 1990s, right? He says, is talking about, you know, preparations for pandemics and things. He's like, well, I didn't want to do anything because I remembered when there was mad cow. You all remember mad cow. The thing where... Yeah, my bloody ex-wife. ...the thing where British farmers were feeding cattle, other cattle, and it was causing a kind of prion disease to emerge in the cattle. And if you ate that cattle, there was a non-trivial chance that you would get a neurodegenerative prion yourself and then die.

But it's not all bad. You could get a job at The Spectator. And he says, Some scientists were forecasting the deaths of millions. One famous professor said that the rate of mortality would be so huge that it was necessary to build a new hospice on every street corner. The media lapped it up, especially the suggestion that Britain's uniquely sordid agricultural practices were at fault. It turned out, though, that the government initial assessment was right.

There was a theoretical risk of cow to human transmission, but it was small. And though there were a handful of cases of this thing that kills you, each one of course was a tragedy. The link with the beef was not always clear. So it was nothing like an epidemic. Basically as him saying this, just making up the history of we shouldn't have prepared for this thing. We shouldn't have reacted to it.

It was wrong because it pissed off some farmers linked to today, of course. And you know, that's why I was right to basically under react to COVID. I feel like we just saw he was in charge of the country during what I remember to be quite a serious disease. Like a couple of years ago. And he's written that after that, to be like, we were wrong to prepare for diseases before the disease. It's like, well, this is saying this is why my instincts to not prepare were right even if they were wrong in practice. This is cool as hell. I'm excited to get to the COVID part where I become angrier than anyone's ever been.

But also, you had all of the advance notice having seen Northern Italy or China or other places where it broke out much sooner than it did in the United Kingdom. And I don't know, it's the thought process like, oh, well, we'd be immune to it. We have all those prions from the disease. It's not really a big deal in this place. At one point, he says, oh, only a 2% mortality rate. That seemed fine. OK. Well, no, but you're missing the point, guys. The point is that it's bad to do inheritance tax reform

on farmers, because then the farmers are going to be forced to feed their farms to smaller farms. Yes. And that's going to make all the farms very sick. The whole book also, in some cases, just reads like a 700 page column. I really don't recommend reading it. I have to emphasize this fact.

It's like those novelty chocolate bars you can get at the airport. It's like the column version of that. It's like, get your dad a 700 page telegraph column. He'll never read it. He'll sit by the toilet gathering dust. And so he'll be like, get your dad a 700 page telegraph column. He'll never read it. It'll sit by the toilet gathering dust. And so he'll be like, and again, you can see the Romanian hack sign here because it is lies about like the EU or whatever. He just will say, well, this is why we had to leave

because of something I made up about bananas. And so this is why it's quite tedious to read because you're like, okay, we're going to do that column now. Okay, we can move on to the next column. So that's all table stakes with Johnson, right? The book is just a big long list of people who've been unfair to him, accomplishments of his that have gone unsung, and trying to play it off as self-deprecation with pretty mixed success.

There are, however, there are- I was inspired to write this book by Caroline Calloway, buoyed by her success. I also have to say before we move on, and I know we have to move on, that I was thinking silently, I was in rapture here. And the more I think about it, Boris Johnson is probably the person on this planet, the most pleased by an enormous Toblerone with his name on

it. Imagine, imagine the look on his face when you give him a great big Toblerone that says Boris. All of his 95 children clubbed together. Yes, exactly. To get him a Toblerone that has to be delivered by one of those sort of like a double articulated lorries, like a two trailer one. It's an articulated Toblerone. It has to hinge with the... Okay. Why couldn't we have a British double decker Toblerone?

With Boris Alexander Defeffel Johnson written all the way down the side. The other thing is because Boris Johnson is a very vindictive person with a perfect memory for every slight he's ever received. There are major narrative plot points and hooks throughout this book. I keep pointing to this one as though it's the book. No, there are no narrative plot points or hooks in that book. We have to be clear, because due to gaming regulations. No, no, that's wrong. There was the uncle threat.

That's true, yes. Have you met my uncle, Uncle Threat? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's a reference to Sun Tzu. If in doubt, threaten his uncle. Attack where his uncle is weak. When the uncles feel they are safe, attack. When his uncle appears near, be far. So there are narrative major plot points and hooks in this book that I fully don't remember.

As someone who, as as a job pays attention to this stuff. So for example I'm gonna ask you a question and I want to hear by acclamation do you not remember this? If you don't remember this, big cheer, remember when Baroness Hale wore that spider brooch? Thank you, yes correct. A very large cheer goes up because of course nobody fucking remembers how like the Supreme Court once wore a piece of jewelry that was to spite you. I remember that. Am I mentally ill? Maybe.

I remember that so clearly. I'm like do a hard one, cunt. Do a hard one. But also I will say that in recent history in the United Kingdom wearing a brooch to spite someone, this is the least racist example of it. Yeah. The award for least racist spite brooch goes to... Yeah. Barry's Dale. I'm big into spite brooch.

I think that's a great idea. Yeah. Put a pin in that. No joke. Yeah, well, it's a brooch. Yeah. Goddamn it. It's too... There you go. That's right, Radio 4. You could have had this, but's a broach. Yeah. Yeah. Stupid. Yeah, that's right. Radio 4.

You could have had this, but you turned it down. We threatened you with with referendum. We threatened you with the Romanian accent. We are delivering. That's right. All that wind whipping. That's just Steve Bray sucking in a lot of breath before he starts yelling, stop Brexit. It's just like rubbing some mist off the side.

Wait, this is Storm Bray. He's going to stop Brexit by blowing the UK into mainland Europe and fusing it with Belgium. Finally, the glorious revolution now complete. He opens on how Baroness Hale wore mean jewelry to him. It's the first words of the book. It's very camp, isn't it, British politics, when you think about it?

It's like drag race level. She's throwing shade at me by wearing this brooch. They're all divas. They didn't have the word for it back then, but they're all divas. So this is how it starts. He's complaining. It's like, well, actually, the whole parliament

proroguing thing, she wore mean jewelry. I'm going to now read the table of contents of this book so you can appreciate what I've been through. Oh my God. Part one, trapped. One. I'm in the vacuum. One, the curse of the Spider Woman.

Two. Come on. The poison chalice. Three, locked in syndrome. Four, the madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk gets. Yes. You won't like me when I'm horny. Five, earthquake.

Six, the greatest city on earth. Seven, crisis in London. Eight. This is like a track list of a 1975 album. I was going to say, I don't remember these title cards from Evangelion. Eight. Here's one. The Cult of the Knife. Nine. The Cycling Revolution. Ten. Hop on, hop off.

Eleven. London Burning. Twelve. A Summer Like No Other. Thirteen. Miracle and Battersea. Fourteen. Copping Out in Copenhagen. Fifteen. Some more radical solutions. Sixteen. Prong Cocktail Flavor Chris. Seventeen. Voting Leave. Eighteen. Inside the Bus.

Nineteen. Triumph and Disaster. Twenty. Soft Powers, Uber Power. Twenty-one. Brexit America. Twenty-two. Brexit Abroad. radical solution, 16, prong cocktail flavor crisps, 17, voting leave, 18, inside the bus, 19, triumphant disaster, 20, soft power super power, 21, Brexit America, 22, Brexit abroad, 23, mayhem in Mesopotamia, 24, killing Gaddafi, 25. Nice. We're only at 2011. This is a long fucking book. 25, the butcher of all. He just admits to that in the book.

This is like, wow, he had less stringent editors than Walliams. Storm Burt, Ernie was always my favorite. I'm ready for you to end it all. Just me, just me specifically. 25, the butcher of Aleppo. 26, going global. 27, selling the same camel twice.

28, freeing Nazanin. 29, Putin the Poisoner. 30, golden no more. 31, teacher to read. 32, the road to serfdom. 33, chucking checkers. 34, infrastructure revolution. 35, zoonotic nightmare.

36, how the crisis began. 37, I am in the intensive care unit. 38. What? What? What? Help me. Help me.

Help me. 39, this one doctor is whispering in my ear. 38, silent streets. 39, closing schools. 40, build back better. 41, fighting the tide. 42, Dylan, my dog, sniffs them all, 40, build back better, 41, fighting the tide, 42, Dylan, my dog, sniffs them all, 43, if I had a hammer, 44, vaccination miracle, 45, roll out, 46, surviving the bear pit, 47, triumph at Carbis Bay, what the fuck is

that? What the fuck is that? 48, collapsing cobble, 49, saving the planet, 50, oh my god, it's Omicron. 51, an unprovoked invasion. 52, the battle for Kiev. 53, the cost of war. 54, night train to Ukraine. 55, the most odious one. Welcome to Kent, twinned with Kigali.

56, dear Sir Graham. 57, Britain and India. You can imagine this is well-handled. 58, a torrid sort of summer. 59, some pointers for the future. 60, Balmoral. Oh, no. He admits to two murders in this book.

I think half of those chapters could be chapter titles from like the memoir of a pedophile British army officer in the 19th century. Sorry, definitely. I'm sorry, I'm still in a little bit of a reverie of the pacing there with I am in the intensive care unit. Yeah, really like, definitely. I'm just, I'm sorry, I'm still in a little bit of a reverie of the pacing there with I am in the intensive care unit. Yeah.

Really like that. Yeah. Oh my goodness. That was like spoken word. It was quite impressive. Yeah. Look, the people brave Bert. Yeah.

So, to understand how I came to be Prime Minister, it helps to remember how grisly it all seemed in the years after the EU referendum. The country was in shock, but the ruling classes, of which I am not a part of course, were all at sixes and sevens. Of course, this is because I'm, this is my commentary here. Everyone wanted leveling up. And this, the other thing this book is about, other than the systematic like dissection of everyone who's ever misunderstood, been ungrateful to, intubated or otherwise stymied Boris Johnson's fantastic intentions with the country. It's a kind of alternate history where like leveling up really happened. It's like it's a look into a world where all of that stuff occurred. And the funny thing is a lot of the writing in this book as well

is written for almost like, hang on a second, so many of these paragraphs could be lifted, wholesale and placed into a critical book that is against Boris Johnson because so much of it is, well yes, I sort of improvised this policy while giving a speech in Walsall. It then became a core of the leveling up agenda. I'd be like, wait a minute, that seems like you shouldn't do that. I've lived my life by one principle, yes and. As any of my wives will tell you. What we're doing in number 10 is we're filling the space and having fun with it. So, this is the album of Leveling Up. It was about how Britain could be, and based on all I'd observed and done in journalism

and politics, for years I struggled to articulate it, then I hit on the phrase, leveling up. Perhaps it would be good if I gave some illustrations, a few snapshots from my Leveling Up album. I was gaming. I was gaming on my... One of my sons showed me his Nintendo. I got level up and I said ding. That's a ticket. I'm just imagining Boris trying to explain the concept of XP grinding to Boris Johnson. I was introduced to World Warcraft. I was able to become a busted nymph. I've got to bring this to Slough. This is crackers. I've gotta bring this to slough. I gotta bring this to slough.

This is crackers, I've got to find out about this. No, so he goes into a bunch of a Tony and bluster, being like, I went to school, that's the epitome of leveling up. Or he uses bits of like Latin baffle gab to make the Eaton seem like an actually magical place. Where he basically articulates the theory, which comes as the grades in exams

are read out in front of an audience of all the boys who've done the exam. As I close my eyes and wait for the judgment of the examiners on myself, I feel like I'm in the presence of some ineluctable biological historical process. I've read somewhere that intelligence like other human qualities reverts to the mean. Like Attenborough breathlessly observing some law of evolution exemplified by a tribe of baboons, I can hear the genes for intelligence being expressed in some of the most powerful and successful families in Britain surely reverting to the mean. I.e. the people at Eaton, well they're

not actually the smartest and the best, they're just the richest. Some of them are smart and great which means they get these great opportunities. I'm going to devote my politics to trying to expand access to this opportunity everywhere unless of course it means doing anything material in which case I will not be doing that. I was going to say and then what happened? Well, again, the thrust of the book is I had all these great ideas, like from when I was mayor of London, and there were no problems with that time. Unfortunately, everyone who betrayed me stopped them from happening.

Ever since I could remember, I always wanted to kill everyone's nan. I wouldn't consider any of us, I don't know about Dev, some of us are not particularly big gamers. Maybe you are, Dev, I don't know. I don't want to speak ill of your gaming habits. Oh, I partake. And so I feel a little bit circumspect making so many gaming references. But it is odd to be like, if someone said, could you come up with a perfect example of what happens when a British guy tries to talk like Sephiroth? I feel as though you read 700 pages of that

and there weren't any fun mini games. You didn't get to go on a date with Barrett or something like that in between. I kept on thinking that my limit breaks got to come soon. Riley just like sending us photos of himself crying at midnight. We're like, keep reading, keep reading. Well, that then kind of poses the question of what is Boris Johnson's limit break? Well, it's to have a kid. 97th child. It's the nozzle. Yeah, that's the break. Well it's to have a kid. 97th child. That's the nozzle. Total nono side. Takes out everyone's nono. I hate Italians. So both are my ideas. Global Britain and leveling

up depended on getting Brexit done. That's right we can't improve all the schools without it. Sorry about the fucking Romanian sign. That is taken back in 12 or like a legislative and regulatory system but I was worried about the vast and glorious roll call of enemies I have made after many years in journalism and politics in which I'd been far from cautious about what I said or did. I had a plan. What? Are you telling me that Boris Johnson has said some unwise things? Yeah and again what he's doing here is he's being like I was just too honest and everyone betrayed me so I couldn't do my plan of making like Eaton Two

in every like, you know, community up and down the country. They should make like a movie of this book so that at this point you can have like a montage of all of the ill-advised things he said and done over the years. It's like smash cut to like black and white Vaseline on the lens footage of him in like a rice paddy hat on a visit to Vietnam. Well, also like the thing about it

is that none of that ever matters until it does. Because everything he ever says or does, no matter how gauche or how offensive, how genuinely offensive, we just all, everyone understands the rules are, you do not acknowledge it. And it's like, I think back to this, it's a stupid example, but do you recall when a certain former labor leader mentioned that he liked the James Joyce novel Ulysses and everyone's like, either, there's no way you read that book,

you fucking idiot, or he's a he's a company getting above his station. Now, in Ulysses, there's a chapter where a guy basically the narrative explores this guy's thoughts. And it's some pretty anti-semitic shit, right? It's pretty bad. I'm just written to be the character in the early 20th century. But nobody in the press who wanted to go after a certain former labor leader had read the book, so they couldn't make that. Whereas Johnson is like, hey, I wrote this novel about how all Muslims are in the secret Muslim technodrome trying to plan out their heists, but they're also too stupid. And also the only way that you can achieve security is to get rid of all the woke laws. And the

cop who commits crimes and beats people up all the time. He's the only wise person. You're wise to think, actually, I should be racist to everyone. And no one read that. Everyone read that book or if they did read it, they pretended it didn't exist. Jeremy Corbyn condones cranking your hog on the beach. What I'm trying to say here, just to make the point, is that he's like, oh, all these unwise things. I said, yeah, but you were part of the system

where the rules are. You just no one cares. They were perfectly wise until you became less than useful. Everybody knows about the bendy bananas. Everybody knows about the really weird column about Africans brains are compromised by their love of the plantain or whatever the fuck he said. Like I'm not making this up. He basically said that like this looks a little bit like the sweet carbohydrate release of the plantain. Like, he's, it's bad, but the rules are you're not allowed to know that or acknowledge it. So as you say, right, he says, oh I said some unwise things. They

weren't unwise. They were not unwise because that's not why he made enemies. He made enemies when he became useless and then they remembered all the stuff he did. They were like, oh yes, I remember who you are. What was unwise was eating a sausage roll in the garden of number 10 Downing Street. Former ambassador to Myanmar is like, I've been saving this elephant gun for a very long time. Anyway, that's the table set. Leveling up happened. Global Bliton is real. We could have them all only if everybody had been nicer to Boris Johnson. I compared the UK to mild mannered physicist Dr. Bruce Banner.

No prizes for guessing which chapter this is from Intubated It gets to get angry at the injustice of his position and the rage takes him over and he morphs into the great green Goliath the Incredible Hulk or as the Incredible Hulk used to put it the matter Hulk gets the stronger Hulk gets Where's to me? He feels like British Frank Castle Really changes the plot of he feels like British Frank Castle. But there's no guns. It really changes the plot of the Punisher. British Frank Castle, but instead of shooting he just either complains or sires children. That's the other thing right? He wants to address everything. So he says this is him

addressing that time he stole that guy's phone. Scene setting. There was, it was the 2019 election and the NHS throughout the country is so underfunded that there was a, it was the 2019 election and the NHS throughout the country so underfunded that there's a lot of like people being seen in halls or like lying on beds in coats. They used to call it the winter crisis and now they just call it the. The crisis. The permanent situation. Yeah.

And so there was a kid who was ill lying on some coats and his father, when Boris was like, his name was Joe Pike. I thought he was going to ask me about fish. Genuinely what he says. She says, goes up and says, he's talking to him, says, Boris, please look at this photo. It's a picture of my kid. Says, he held out his phone and asked me to look

if I could bear it at the image on the screen, but I knew what he was up to. I was familiar with this technique. You're gassing away in a TV interview and a reporter suddenly hands you something incriminating, a leaked document that purportedly contradicts what you're saying, and they film your befuddled reaction. It happened quite a lot with a particular journalist

while I was mayor of London, and I devised a cutting solution. I would always take the offending document, fold it up, put it in my pocket, and carry on talking about whatever I wanted to talk about. Applying the same principle. Hell yes. Hell yes. Well, the problem was, is that the child's dad, Laura Coonsburg, didn't have a good shot. She was in the PTT, and you're like, stop, stop, stop, distract him, move him. Laura Coonsburg touching her. I Queen's head touching her ear.

I got a clean shot. With touching the other one. I took Pike's phone and slid it away into my pocket, saying that I'd look at it later. This, of course, looked deranged. Incredible. It was then I remembered a trend from when I was mayor of London.

Happy slapping. I decided to introduce him to the knockout game. Again, he was useful at that point. He could have done the knockout game with Joe Pike and it would have been fine. They would have been like labor activist, a sales prime minister's fist with dangerous face. Pike rightly pointed out to the viewers that not only was I was refusing to look at the picture of a young boy suffering, I seem to be taking his phone. However, I'll have you know that this barber code has lots of phones in it. I've taken them from people up and down the country.

They never complain. I can see how it might look like that. I'm co-deering this phone for the government. I've invented a new national sport of London, phone snatching. We use one of these motorized peds. In my defense, materially of these journalistic ambushes often turns out to have been misleading,

especially NHS horror stories, and we cleared it up with the doctors at Leeds General in the end. So apparently... Yeah, we solved that. That wasn't his fault. Apparently, it was normal for him to take the phone, and there was no problem. And, oh, it's a bit funny, I'm a bit silly, Boris Johnson, but actually, that weird thing I did was perfectly normal and explainable it's a bit funny. I'm a bit silly Boris Johnson, but actually that weird thing I did was perfectly normal and explainable. It's so weird to be like, remember every embarrassing thing that seemed to happen to me in the media. You're wrong for thinking it was weird.

So what you're saying is if someone steals your phone and they're riding a Boris bike, it's like reversing to the mean. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. So what it was intended for. This is like if like Tony Abb's right. Yeah, yeah. That's what it was intended for. This is like if Tony Abbott wrote a book where he was like, and it was normal for me to eat that onion. I thought it was, I was like, oh, this is a farmer, he's got a nice onion, he's put a lot of work in it,

I'll give it a go. It's like a popular documentary history of cultures that eat onions like apples. Yeah, it's fine, it's fine. I've been reading the book Holes, which is a fantastic novel by a great author. And I thought I'd give it a try. What's wrong with that?

I've been writing the book Holes, which is, of course, Pous' graduate reading level in Australia. No, sorry, Australia. I love you. Yeah, fuck you. Remember the thing where he hid in the fridge. We all remember what he hid in the fridge.

Yeah. Thank you. That's good sports nonsense. That's a play for the book. He's going for it. He's ahead. I needed to be prepped for my interview, but we couldn't find the briefing room and we had to avoid another NHS horror story ambush.

Over here said someone from the media team, I think it was Rosie Bate Williams. We scrambled through a door pursued by journalists and shut it behind us However, it turned out to be a fridge used by a dairy company. Yes This is more like adaptation of Sun Tzu when there is no briefing room find one Journalists fear the fridge Again, so, you know what it noticed what he does there He says oh that thing where I was stupid and and we in the fridge, that was Rosie Bate Williams' fault, actually.

She chased him into that fridge. And I wasn't hiding. I was just thinking really hard about helping this country. Yeah. It's like, when you're prime minister, the buck stops with everybody else. So this is being London mayor. Apparently, he's nearly killed by a bendy bus.

And this puts him on the quest to be mayor, which he wins, if you recall London mayor. Apparently, he's nearly killed by a bendy bus, and this puts him on quest to be mayor, which he wins, if you recall, basically by default because Ken Livingston had been spot-welded into the position for like 30 years. As I walked into City Hall, I noted the funky color schemes, yellow and purple, and the modernistic sans-serif font of the signs. There were no flags, no portraits of the queen,

and I felt the contrast with Westminster. This was all about cool 21st century metropolitan socialism. And I wondered what I really fitted in. And in the next paragraph, I kid you not, he uses the word imposter syndrome. Yes. Yes. This is my favorite thing they do.

It's like, yeah, no, you're right to think there should be someone more smart doing this job. You are an imposter. Trust yourself in that respect only. D.I. Boris Johnson. There's not enough buffoons in your workplace. You need to employ a big old buffoon. So we also know Boris Johnson, broadly speaking, was not a great mayor of London. So we go through a few highlights of his tenure.

First, he was plagued by scandal as top advisors kept on resigning. Thudderoo was the departure of my deputy mayor for government relations. He begins the paragraph with Thudderoo. A small of combative former leader of Bexley council called Ian Clement. Bexley mentioned. Bexley, let's go. Ian was caught in a honey trap in Beijing in which a beautiful Chinese woman drugged him, took him to bed, then downloaded the contents

of his Blackberry, including top secret information about planning decisions, and then used his City Hall credit card to buy a Blaupunkt car stereo. Sick. Good. Yes. All right. He was seduced by a woman and then had his phone stolen.

I call it the reverse Johnson. Ha ha ha. Also, first of all, respect to her for having done this. by a woman and then had his phone stolen. I call it the reverse Johnson. Also, first of all, respect to her for having done this. Also, why does the deputy mayor of London have top secret documents? Oh, planning stuff. Top secret mound plans. Yeah, top secret. President Xi, we found these plans to build a superstructure at Marble Arch. We presume it's some kind of covert missile silo. Otherwise, why would it cost eight million pounds and serve no obvious purpose? We recommend a preemptive strike. For official use only, no one outside of the governing circle can see this document that

says, man, this bridge fucking sucks. Yeah. Ooh. Another couple honorable mentions of the things he did while mayor. Remember when he tried to make an airport on an artificial island in the Thames Estuary that was going to be built over? Yeah, I see some flags. Artificial island of the Thames Estuary represent.

Let's go. Woo. Massive. Sing up. An artificial island in the Thames Estuary that had only one major problem, which Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd been watching a movie called Sully. He really is like his because I wasn't here for that. His plans are basically like we elected a nine year old mayor like I thought the whole like just William sort of like rascally schoolboy thing was the affect that sold him to British voters, but he actually just is that guy like yes. This is the worst freaky Friday I've ever heard of the deputy mayor got honey trapped and was replaced by nasha. How could we be wrong? I asked my team. No one had a better solution and the new tory led coalition was still against the third runway at Heathrow. So what else were we going to do again? I have to emphasize you're trying to build an

airport on top of what is essentially an unexploded Jake very sensitive ordinance. It will explode even now. it's a huge problem for like Colchester because they're like, hey, that ship full of the explosives appears to be falling apart. And if one of the masts breaks, which is looking like it will at some point, it will explode, shattering every window in like Canvey Island. This is like Sunzoo's reverse 9-11.

Yeah. Yeah, man. Furthermore, zoos, reverse nine eleven. Yeah, my furthermore, you can't go reinforce the mast because if you go on the ship, it will explode. You know, I did always find it very funny that there was like a pre very, very like like early ice age sunken continent off the coast of Britain called Dogger land. That's what they call it and I'm not making this up, but the fact that there's there's the land. The fish. Sunken British Atlantis is called Doggerland. Just so perfect. But the fact that there's also like the ship that kills you off the coast of Colchester,

that just seems so perfect. He shags where he wants. He shags where he wants. No, I need to tell you, Doggerland is mentioned by name four times in this book. Well, he knows you need to return with a V to Doggerland. Where the trees grow, Fort Cortinus ready for dogging. It's like Elysium to the Brits. When we die, we'll go to Doggerland beneath the waves. Maximus Decemus Rydius running his hands through the hair of milfs who are knelt down by the bonnet of a Ford focus.

I have to mention this too, because when Riley was out one time and we did an episode about the UK water situation, we learned that there no new infrastructure has been added in the UK since 1986 when they, when they privatize water. And the third of UK water usage goes to leaky pipes. That's all table stakes. It's true. Actually, I was wrong though. One new bit of water infrastructure was added. Boris Johnson had them build a desalination plant in the Thames estuary in the wrong location. So the water is not, not, it's too salty rather, or the flow is too varied for it to work. And it's powered by biodiesel. I'm not making this up. It's never been used.

It is, it is a bigger waste of energy than like, grok AI. It does even less. We're going to kind of maybe desalinate water with leftover chips grease. Somehow, it's gonna work. He built this in 2005. This is the greatest country in the fucking world. I honestly think that. It also looks like when things are going bad, how do you cheer people up?

A boat whips shitties in the middle of the Thames and all it's torn. Fuck yeah. Sometimes the boat is just barely waiting to kill anyone who touches it. I have to note, we're like partway through his mayoral term, haven't gone to the Olympics yet, it's 7.50. All right, all right. Oh my God. I want to note about the bus.

He made the new bus that has the hop on hop off platform. Again, a detail of why this was a good idea, even though these are now closed forever and don't work and have like extra staircases for no reason. He says, I remember the root masters outside my house. We learned how to get off right outside the house, even if the lights were going green and the bus was starting to pull away.

Because prizes in life go not necessarily to the swift or strong, but those who are willing to bust a gut and mount a moving bus from the rear just to make an appointment. Why was it now forbidden to give people that option? We were losing our national mojo and our willingness to take risks. If anyone was ever willing to mount from the rear and bust, it was certainly Boris Johnson. I agree with him actually on this one. He's fitting on this one.

I didn't realize that this whole boondoggle was basically his sort of misremembered childhood fantasy about non-consensual bus riding. Hang on, I've got a theory about this book. Is it written in one of those codes where if you ignore every second word, the whole thing is actually just an erotic novel? He does more things about talking about knife crime where he's like, I listened to the left wing criminologist, but baloney, we just kept putting people in jail and then the crime went down. But we want to talk about the Olympics. I hadn't been expecting to make a speech, but on the way to the Hyde Park,

my advisor suggested that a few words might go down well. He said to me, and those were his exact words, just riff it, say anything that comes into your mind. And I thought that's a bloody good idea. So I sensed this was not going to be a difficult crowd and told them, quote, the Geiger counter of Olympomania is about to go zoink off the scale. That's what you said to us before we came out tonight as well. You're like, don't worry about it. Yeah, that's just that's like the traditional way you open any public event in Britain.

As you say, the Geiger counter of Olympomania is about to go zoink off the scale. It's like a line from young Sheldon. So within with two weeks to go, we had the x-ray machines, we had the screening systems, we had a US aircraft carrier off the coast and a Star Streak ABM system on a housing block in Hackney. What event is that for? The missile event? It's the sixth event in the new sextathlon. Many got jailed protesting this but yeah of course yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean oh a hundred percent again this is all about everything that he did was

fun everything he seemed to do they went wrong wasn't his fault all this stuff the following morning it was my happy duty show the Queen around the Olympic Park and she asked if people enjoyed her performance in the opening ceremony I heard the reviews have been uniformly terrific. Moments later I showed her and he is so keen, he is so keen to defend this one thing. He devotes like 10 pages to talking about how great it is and how everyone should love it and it's like our Eiffel Tower. A moments later, few moments later, I showed her the Arcelor Metall orbit. A structure which she professed to find quote fascinating which

was one of the proudest moments of my life. He spends so long talking about how we came up with the orbit, how he got Lakshmi Mittal who's acknowledged in the credits of the book, how he got Lakshmi Mittal to fund it, how it's how it's also a like a helter-skelter that you can go down. He doesn't mention that it costs 30 pounds. Did the Beijing Olympics have a helter skelter? No. I feel like the fact that you've gotten this much detail

out of the book and we're still so early on, it's like this man needs an editor, but also like no one can get this man to wear a condom. So you definitely are not going to get him to be able to edit his own book or allow his book to be edited. So I'm skipping stuff fully. People look back at that moment and wish we could return and so do I, but don't forget the key lesson of that amazing national experience. It's about an utterly

ruthless individual determination to excel, to beat others and get on the podium. That in the end is why we all felt suffused with that golden Olympic glow, except of course the people who were jailed for protesting it. Sorry about that. And everyone in Hackney, but they like cleared out. Yeah. The sort of Stratford thing too, wasn't it? Yeah. It's worth noting just because obviously he goes through life completely rose tinted.

He never mentioned it, but like, yeah, no, people fucking hate it. Oh, and he's like, oh, and the post Olympic village is amazing. And it's like, no, these are some of like the shittiest quote unquote, like 800,000 pound luxury flats in London, except for the ones that are by the Battersea power station, which again, he also waxes poetic about. They didn't, they picked Stratford to build the orb. They wouldn't build an orb in a normal neighborhood. Right? So like I'm just saying Boris Johnson created an environment where orbs could be built in London. I forgot the

orbs in America. I forget there isn't a real orb in America. Stop stopped him from building the Orb and that's why he had to write this book. So many Olympic villagers become disasters. Deserted stadiums, athletes' villages, colonized by drug addicts. I was determined to make London the exception. Yeah, and then the athletes leave. In the years leading up to the Games, I was obsessed with the problem of legacy. That after spending just shy of 10 billion pounds in an athletics competition We would actually leave something behind We needed to show that we believed in the rhetoric about the transformation of East London and that put the post-olympic park could be

A truly special zone of the city a magnet for the Britain curious around the world They get off the plane they go straight to Stratford City Mall. They say I've never seen a JD sports like this before I've never seen a cue at Greg's this long. Where's the fucking orb? Where's the orb? I'm not Anglo sexual, but I am Britain curious. One cold Saturday morning in January, I was sitting at home staring at the plants at the park

and it hit me. This was too functional, too sports obsessed. There was nothing to bring the tourists and make you say, Cor, Doris, look at that. Let's go to the Olympic Park. And the tourists from like an hour's drive away. I presume that's not meant to be like a Vietnamese guy. Core Doris, let's go have a look at the Olympic Park.

Yeah. Also, it's like, is that is that tourist from like the 40s? Yeah, that's a time tourist. Yeah. The Olympic Park. Why they they built some kind of general commentary on towerness. But also the time tourists are going to be furious at the woke canceled the orb They traveled through time to see the orb. Yeah didn't get built instead. They've just got Stratford if you got this island So in the end we came up with the orbit which is like an exclamation mark with a question mark super imposed the largest piece

Of public art in Britain and even though it has its detractors many people like it We're talking about the mound now. No, the tower. Oh, excuse me, the tower, yeah. At one Pride dinner in Brown's Hotel, I announced that we would be hosting gay marriage ceremonies in the Olympic Park so that the register would be able to bring the service to a climax

by informing the happy couple, quote, you may now take your partner up the ArcLore Mittal orbit. Yes. So to bloody speak. What is that cockney rhyming slang for, I wonder? Oh and then you take her up the orbit! We were all singing that in the Anderson shelters back in the day. I'd even built a new cable car across the Thames. Like so many of these projects, this also had its detractors.

But actually it's beautiful and used by 1.5 million people a year and the numbers are climbing steeply after the pandemic up 200,000 year on year. He takes like a whole page to defend the cable car. Genuine real question, who's been on the cable car? Okay, that's not like five of you. Yeah. Take you on the cable car and then on up to your bed you'll have a tin of sweet corn beef. Something like that.

I guess, I guess fuck us then. Boris Johnson was right that people love the cable car. No, you're not. A new Cloghead song. He also remembering how that MP got murdered, he wonders for a moment, had I inadvertently potentated this latent virus of racism and extremism? As the details of Joe Cox's murder became clearer, the shock spread through the bus.

Penny was in tears and members of the press corps were visibly upset. He then goes on to say, I don't think I had anything to do with that and then moves on. I'm like Gaddafi. Foreign sec, mostly pretty dull, but I wanted to pull a couple segments on Global Britain.

One, it's like the way he deals with Nazanin Zagari Ratcliffe is he's like, well, yes, I may have misspoke and gotten her sentenced to more time in prison. However, he says, however, at the time that I said this, I was flanked by the two most senior and experienced officials in the foreign office, which he then goes on to name and this is real hate as shit. I respect this actually.

And then goes on to insult the dress sense of before saying it's fine. I say this to her face. Well, because that's the thing actually about Boris Johnson. He's always very well turned out and very smart. And then says neither interjected or corrected as was their job. So again, the buck stops. Their job is to stop me from being a fucking idiot. They failed. And if they don't, nothing to do with me. Not my fault at all.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. When you're a leader, what it means is that you're responsible for nothing. Basically, I was elected to show up with my face comically smeared with fudge and say something ridiculous like whiff-whaff. Yeah, yeah. The people who actually learn things are supposed to stop me and if they don't, well, then they endorse it. If that wasn't what I was supposed to say, why did none of my scheming eunuchs stop me from saying it? Even more significant perhaps are the changes currently happening in Saudi Arabia.

Represent big up. Tony Blair once said that Mohammed bin Salman was the hope of the region and I can see why. Projects like Neom, a new city in the desert. So one of my best friends is here who is himself half Saudi, fucking hates Mohammed bin Salman and I see him pumping his fist at the mention of Neom. But the Saudis under Muhammad bin Salman are serious people and there is nowhere else where

so much is happening so fast. It always maybe you read the tone of that wrong. The Saudis under Muhammad bin Salman are serious people. Unlike Mohammed bin Salman, who is not. It amazes me to hear a left-wingers complain that Britain is so close to Saudi Arabia. Yes, we are, and that's a good thing. We're also basically saying, yeah, fuck Yemen.

We're going to spend a little more time in the Theresa May Foundation. It's very green. They don't let women drive. Re-trans issues, this is just a little more time in the Theresa May- It's very green. They don't let women drive. Re-trans issues. This is just a little note here. When Penny Morton briefly says, hey, what if we do for like trans people like the Tories did for like cis gay people in like 2010 during the Theresa May premiership? She comes up, she says that, hey, maybe, and Boris's response, of course she doesn't stick by this. There

was Theresa nodding away enthusiastically at what was clearly a presentation organized and approved by number 10. So she was a right-winger or was she woke? And as for Europe, to what extent, to borrow the language of Penny's presentation, had she transitioned? Was she still a Remainer or was she some kind

of cross-dresser and could switch back? I started to worry. Yes, yes, that's, it's, I keep pointing to this book because this is a book. Yes, it's in. I keep pointing to this book because this is a book. Yes, it's in here. Yeah. Jesus. There's one other section.

I'm the first ever R to R transgender person. The 2019 election devising leveling up. One thing is for sure about Boris Johnson's book. A lot of very nice wine is name checked by name throughout. I don't know why it's necessary that we know that. For example, did you know that when he came up with most of the policies for leveling up he and the sage were basically fully Cunted off of anti nori tigonello, which is a very very nice Tuscan red now We know that we also know that specifically he like wooed investors with like tureens of Chateau Margot

And that he drank a lot of Chateau Neuf de Pape while mayor I don't know why he name checks the wine. Why? You need to know how drunk I was when I said some of those things. Unless he knew I would be reading it. Yeah, for real, man. And would need like, like a little pick me up.

He's got to win allies however he can. He's like, he knows he's going to plant that seed in you. And you're like, oh, maybe he's not so bad a guy. He's like, they're going to read this on a TF live show, obviously. We can get Riley. This is kind of an Easter egg. I know he really likes Tuscans. He makes these arguments about power rail infrastructure home building, sort of lamenting

why it didn't happen on its own because he was excited about it and how regulations, euro or otherwise, are holding back scabs of activity and how people really deserve good governance. And to read this book, you'd think we were living in gulch, gulch, except COVID happened and took it away. That's right. Wasn't that also Liz Truss's argument that like basically everything was going great, but then a conspiracy stopped her? Oh yeah. So I can, I can explain this. So what happens is essentially we are by reaching back into our glorious past and also reaching forward into the latent human potential, always just

a few inches away from a kind of right-wing revolutionary utopia. However, there is an invisible and sort of amorphous ever-present set of progressive or degenerate conspirators who are conspiring to basically take that away with what you might be called a stab in the back. No one's invented this kind of politics before. I recall this Italian guy who wrote 14 theses of being annoying as shit. Well, Marinetti.

The problem wasn't that I was ignorant of zoonotic diseases. The problem was rather that I knew too much about them. Wait. Yes. Yes. And I knew about them. Sometimes you get a bit randy and you look at a house cat and you think, well.

So wait a minute. So his argument is that that he knew too much about zoonotic diseases. And he knew all of the times when we politically overreacted to them. And so he tried to underreact as much as possible to COVID. That's where the mad cow example comes in. It's like, well, that time we took all that action

to prevent huge amounts of people from dying from mad cow and only a few people died. What if we didn't take that action? And that was what informed him going into COVID. It's so cool to be like, we took massive action and barely anyone died. And as a result, we've determined that that was a fucking waste of time.

And it's like, that's a fucking success. That's what you wanted. That's proof it was. What's the opposite? Like, we took massive action and everyone died anyway. Massive action. Barely anyone died. Oh, well, fuck him next time. Fuck him. He's a B testing. He wants to know, you know what? Is that fuck him. He's A-B testing, he wants to know.

You know what, is that his fault? He's a scientist. Epidemiology makes you weak of spirit. I felt I knew my SARS from my Ebola and I concluded two things. First, first, first, you got to know your SARS from your Ebola. I was going to say, this sounds like the lyrics to an album that no one talks about in their collection of Paul Simon solo work. And I concluded two things. First, novel zoonotic plagues tend to sort themselves out. And second, the greater risk of destruction was from the

attempts by politicians to contain the disease. And again, no risk of that in Britain. So basically right, this is him saying, you might think we didn't like sort of take COVID seriously enough early enough, but actually if you knew what I know, which is a lot more than anyone else about zoonotic diseases, everything I did made sense. It was like, it was like I split tens with a Jack showing. It's like you always have to do that as part of like blackjack strategy. It's just, it doesn't always work. I mean, I feel as though like he should just complete his whole shtick about being the Latin quotes guy and be like, this was revealed to me in a dream actually.

Yeah. I went into the Delphic cave and I got drunk on the pithiest vapors. Most of the papers at this time, instead of focusing on COVID, it was their fault too, chose to splash on some news about Prince Andrew and allegations about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, a dead millionaire who seemed to have trafficked in underage girls. Now, I note here, right? Now. Jeffrey Epstein, he's, oh, this guy who seemed to do this, which is strange because Boris Johnson's own sister has testified that he knew Ghislaine Maxwell at Oxford. This is not someone who's like passingly familiar with having heard about him on the news one day.

This is someone who most likely knew someone who's very close to him and probably knew him as well. But you couldn't slip that one past me, Boris. Putting in a book like, this is Jeffrey Epstein fellow who I've never heard of. He seems like a wrong one. He seems like a wrong one though. Jeff Epstein, the financier. Am I getting this right?

Yeah, yeah, well, meanwhile, Riley has locked in his eye. Motherfucker. Canadian is mentioned. You are not. I know them. Now, he says, he was, this is when he's ill. We are Britain's foremost nonce hunters, actually. So a lot of people like front in like, they're the ones

on like TikTok and things like that, it's us. We're reading the nonce precox. Absolutely. We're reading the books that are, where the evidence is buried, like 500 pages of thudderoo and shit in. We're finding it. Well, the frustration was appalling after he nearly died from shaking hands with everybody.

Also, no, he doesn't mention that he shook hands with everybody and got COVID basically on purpose. It's safe to shake hands if you're in a fridge because the virus isn't active at that temperature. I long to be able to get back to my desk to steer things. My body had other ideas. On the second or third day, I tried to have a swim in the checkers pool donated by President Richard Nixon, who paid a visit to Ted Heath and was horrified to discover, if you're paying a visit to Ted Heath, you shouldn't just

be horrified to discover that he doesn't have a swimming pool. There's a lot of horrifyingifying shit to discover about Ted Heath. I can't really find time to swim. I'm visiting public toilets so often. Henry, this man claims to be a pedophile. He doesn't even have a swimming pool. I can't have individual. We need to get Elvis on this. I'm digging a pool, mama.

It wasn't just a... I don't know anything about aquatic engineering, mama, but Nixon's given me a mission. This is below the water line, mama. No, but, little St. James, I can't leave Las Vegas, mama. Swimming in a pool built for a pedophile takes me back to school. It wasn't just the physical distress.

It was the guilt and the political embarrassment of it all. I needed to be boing, boing, boing, boing, back on my feet like an India rubber ball. It's so onomatopoeic, this book. I needed to be out there, leading the country from the front, sorting the PPE, fixing the care homes, and driving the quest for a cure.

Again. Did that happen? It happened mostly despite him. So the COVID stuff again, it's just self-justification and bluster. And genuinely, you'd think that Boris Johnson was like decisive and focused and but for these things. He'd have been again, brilliantly sorting these things out,

but he wasn't he was at every stage He dithered and delayed and fucked up horribly and killed all the nans. He killed the nans It was nanicide as you said Nanicide, you know Nanicide was what happened in yeah Did all of me or family was decimated Setting fire to a huge pile of felt and weeping. It was so embarrassing for me. I'd come round from being intubated and everyone is saying that Nazi Reagan was the throat goat. I'm like, hang on a minute. One weekend, the Sunday Times

was full of behind the hand whispering about my alleged forgetfulness, my habit of napping in the afternoons. When I read that the serious management of government was being left to others such as Rishi Sunak, they think I'm some kind of Spaniard. I started to have my suspicions about the origins of this nonsense. These suspicions seemed all but confirmed on August 25th. A genial fox hunting baronet called Sir Humphrey Wakefield told a random visitor to his home that I was too knackered to do the job and would be stepping down in six months. Quote, if you put a horse back to work when it's injured, it will never recover. Sir Humph is alleged to have said to a visitor

who then reported the comments to Tatler magazine. I don't blame the baronet because he's a good and kindly man, but I am only repeating what I thought he'd been told by his son-in-law, my advisor Dominic Cummings. Devastating revelations in Tatler. Insanely funny to invite someone over, insult someone else to his face, and then tell Tatler that you've just said that. By the way, I just fucking nailed the guy. World's most impervious buffoon wounded by horse metaphor.

So this is again, it's like, well, this is when the betrayals of course began and all that whiz bang leveling up stuff that would have been yours except you should blame Dominic Cummings because I was going to do it. All the COVID stuff, I would have been great at it except I got COVID basically on purpose. And also by the way- I got COVID to bunk off school basically. You know it's again and again and again. It's just like it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. This is about the Biden's visiting. Well, all I can say is from the moment Joe and Jill Biden got out of their enormous car, like wow, it's so big.

That's like a Daily Mail style reporting text, like the kind of like Jill and Joe Biden speaking in front of their $50 million home. Jill and Joe Biden of Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC. They were charm personified. The president was wearing aviator shades and a genial grin of dazzling whiteness and he knew my name. I mean, I think specifically for Joe Biden, this is an accomplishment. By the end, that's pretty impressive. He guessed his name. He looked like a borough. This guy's got to be called Johnson. Look at him.

He's just, for some reason, he was remembering Russian sounding names and it worked at this He looked like a Boris. This guy's got to be called Johnson. Look at him. He's just, for some reason, he was remembering Russian sounding names and it worked at this time but then he met Emmanuel Macron and called him Yevgeny for some reason. Oh, if you want to talk about guys named Yevgeny, Lebedev is also credited in the acknowledgments of the book. I find it interesting every time we mention something that's an aside, Yevgeny Lebedev, Dogger Land, you're like, oh, it's in the book. It's in the book.

There's a whole chapter, there's a whole treatise on that. So I can see Boris and I both married above ourselves, he said as I introduced him to Carrie. In fact, he seemed to take a bit of a shine to her. Why don't you and I go down to the beach, he told Carrie a little later, and leave this guy here. All right. And now, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's pretty good. I don't remember there being a chapter called Swinging with the Bidens. I wonder why Carrie Johnson put that p called Swinging with the Bidens. I wonder why Carrie Johnson put that pampas grass in front of number 10. Look, you become president, you have to meet every single world leader. One of them might let you fuck their wife, alright? If you're not trying, no one's going to say yes. Yeah, it's like you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Absolutely. There we go. Boris Johnson gets to fuck just into her husband. Rules are rules. But he's still, he's got trouble back at home explaining to Carrie Simons that Joe Biden didn't mean any harm by saying she looked like she had delicious fingers. I'm just, all right, for people unaware at one point in 2020, before they kind of coordinated Joe Biden and made that happen, there was some event where he was with his wife and

she gestured towards him while she was speaking and her hand was close to his face and he just... Yeah, I love that photo so much. The best way I can describe it is it looks like she's feeding an iguana. He's a freak for real. It's definitely one of the photos of all time. So he now of course is talking about PartyGate where he's like, oh, this was nothing, this didn't mean anything.

And it's like, you're kind of right, the British press sort of decided to make a scandal out of it. But he's again, because he doesn't understand that like he had ceased to be useful, that this is just when he thinks everyone turned on me because I was doing such a good job and they were all jealous. That's the argument he makes is that every, everyone who turned on me because I was doing such a good job, and they were all jealous. That's the argument he makes, is that everyone who turned on me was jealous of what a good job I was doing and thought they could do better.

And so that's why all this normal stuff we did in Downing Street, then they all reported on it badly. And again, he's like, no, you don't get it. This is all the same stuff you've been doing. You just pissed off too many people. I did nothing wrong. No one liked the Dolmio family anyway. We should have been focusing on good home-grown culinary

families like the Home Pride boys. How can you dislike me? I've rid you of that jobs worth Captain Tom. He said Captain Tom's also in the book. He says Captain Tom Glory Hole is not addressed, unfortunately. That's leveling up. That's critical national infrastructure

Sucking captain Tom's dick and killing him a second time They say every man dies twice Sucking his soul out of his body through his dick So now the people who were against me were the competent and diligent ones and here was this buffoon who seemed to shrug off all The disasters and absurdities and rise from success to success in one position of prestige to the next. It got their goat and it made them homicidal. And I used to sense this problem, but I'm afraid I didn't do enough about it. Looking back, I'm absolutely sure that with enough love and attention, I could have restored relations with the party in parliament, but I was just complacent and I bitterly regret it.

I was just so used to being the mayor. Oh my god, man. With supreme power and no backbenchers to worry about. I never thought they'd be so foolish as to get rid of me. I'm sure they wouldn't be so dumb. But I didn't also, at Partygate, didn't want to look like I was avoiding scrutiny. I didn't want to be accused of using my majority to ride roughshod over parliament, a repeat of my Owen Patterson corruption goof.

Since I was absolutely confident that I had nothing to hide and since I knew that I hadn't misled parliament, or at least not intentionally, I told the chief whip to go ahead. Once again, I was making the elementary mistake of trusting people too much. I looked back at that decision and groan inwardly. It's just, it's all the sort of like, oh, aren't we having a great time lads, but he can't resist slipping into sounding like Ming the Merciless. I never believed in magic until I saw my dog turn into a snake. The real problem is my heart was too open and I had too much love for my homies.

I betrayed me. I'd rather be in a book full of people who love me than a whole party full of sharks hungry for clout. I'm forgetting the Keemstar quote, it's from too long ago. Milo, time was very short and it turns out the sharks were out there beneath the waves, far more numerous than I'd ever imagined. That is where you'd expect them to be, to be fair. In retrospect, just clout shit funny to me. That's number one with a bullet for where sharks are. Demois just likely placed for them to be.

For every Tory MP that I felt I could call my friend, there was at least one who was most definitely not on my side. Oh, he's in his fucking feeling so hot. I was a Tory MP that I felt I could call my friend. There was at least one who was most definitely not on my side. Oh, he's in his fucking feelings so hard. Oh, oh, oh. Wait, this gets better. This is terrible. I groaned to Nigel Adams,

an old friend who was organizing the fight back, called, and I didn't call it this, Operation Save Big Dog. Again, like... Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah! Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah! He's the big dog, baby! That was what they should have called the campaign to save the XL bully. Oh, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off,

off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, off, You told me not to be a toddler. The British government. They should have stopped me. Boris Johnson has been humanely destroyed.

No. I have a few more ones to get through here. I said to Charlotte Owen, one of my political opposers who is helping with the whipping operation, these people all hate me. Sure, of course. You're still legal in Scotland. When they first told me the Chief Whip was out for me I thought, ooh blimey.

But also like you're telling me the inner circle of British government was working on Operation Big Dog and it wasn't about somehow Clifford the Big Red Dog got stranded in Afghanistan in August 2021? That was the giant they killed in Kandahar in fucking Clifford. We've put him inside an old wooden ship in the Thames estuary. It's the only thing from keeping him from feasting on the people of Essex. As I previously understood it, this is the scandal that takes him out, Chris Pinscher's behaviour, which by the way was sexual harassment and much worse I believe, I don't remember specifically on here,

Chris Pinscher's behavior could sometimes be embarrassing or unbecoming as I had understood it. But the tragic reality is that if you excluded everyone from governmental office just because they had at one time faced allegations of unbecoming or embarrassing behavior, you would have very few Tory MPs left. You can't. You can't.

You can't. You can't. I'm sorry. You can't. Don't put that in your't. You can't. You can't. I'm sorry. You can't. Don't put that in your book. I mean, that's the thing. I don't think that's an admission. I think that's a threat.

I mean, you cannot be a Tory MP sex pest with the name Chris Pinch. I was gonna say. Well, that's the Boris quote. No, again. But only by the nominative determinism being too easy of a joke. Well, that's the quote. He said, Pinch her by name, pinch her by nature. That was the audio Johnson's quote. But only by the nominative determinism being too easy of a joke. That's the quote.

He said, Pinscher by name, Pinscher by nature. That was the audio that got leaked that toppled him. He loves to may a Culpa in a way that's like may a not actually Culpa. But when he can't blame it on someone else, it just doesn't get mentioned. Unfortunately, this meeting is in the calendar as Johnson Pinscher.

I'm told that after I announced my resignation... May I culp? Anyways. I was told after I announced my resignation that there was a fair bit of confusion on Tory doorsteps with voters seeing mystified by what had happened. They voted me in, they had high hopes, and now I was being removed? Why had I gone? What was my crime?

What was it really all about? What is the charge? For killing a nan? For irritating Italian nan? For irritating an Italian nan? What did I do, a crime or something? I hope the reader will forgive me if I say that I find it all too painful to describe, but I feel people are entitled to know precisely why I ceased to BPM, or at least why I think it happened. So again, it's like, hey, everyone loved me. You all betrayed me. I hate you and I'm sad.

The entire book is like the drill. Like I just shot an entire AR-13 magazine into my leg. All right, here's what I think happened. So what went wrong? It wasn't even Partygate and it certainly wasn't the polls. It was, but never mind. It might have been both of those things. Yeah. The fundamental problem was that too many Tory MPs just wanted me gone. Some had been rattled by the hate storms of Twitter, now ex the Everything app. Which I might remind you is the democratic process for getting rid of it.

That's just how that operates. Yeah, well, you wouldn't guess it here. Yeah. They're calling me the first John Ashworth. Some dislikes me. You wouldn't tweet your MP. He's got to be feeling like a white John Ashworth. Some disliked me for personal reasons and quite a lot of them still secretly opposed

Brexit. So when Sajid Javid resigned over the Pinchr business on Tuesday, July 5th, I was fairly phlegmatic. But when Rishi resigned later that day at 6pm, I was sad. It was worse than a crime. It was a mistake for both Rishi and the that day at 6 p.m. I was sad it was worse than a crime It was a mistake for both Rishi and the party never mind the country and I was proven right Technically yeah, you were proven right but not for reasons you understand many men who wish death upon me Also, it's like, his, may I say, Eturishi.

The only, the closest thing he does come to admitting an actual fault is he said that when he would go back to number 10 at the end of the day, he was really tired. We'd work in the evening and he forgot to like do politics with the party. That was my failing. That's it. He's the whiniest PM in history.

Well, this is like divorced dad in Christmas movie who realized he forgot to spend time with his kids. But with Boris Johnson, he's like, he forgot to spend time with like Ian Duncan Smith. Yeah, essentially. We would have done all these beautiful things. We would have gone on in the next two and a half years to defeat inflation. Can't do that domestically.

We would have been in the throes of delivering the infrastructure revolution and helping young people to own beautiful new homes, delivered on the 2019 manifesto. Police, doctors, nurses, and we would have been invisibly getting on with leveling up, delivering the infrastructure revolution and helping young people to own beautiful new homes, delivered in the 2019 manifesto. Police, doctors, nurses, and we would invisibly getting on with leveling up, even if the process had been slowed by COVID. Cutting taxes, simplifying regulations, getting Brexit done.

We had Britain, the greatest place in the world to invest, start a family. And it goes without saying, if we'd all stuck together, we would have gone on to win in 2024. And a lot of my friends would now have their seats. Bet you feel pretty fucking stupid for betraying me, Boris Johnson. Listen, no one started more families in Britain than me.

If you just let me get on with leveling up, Slough could have looked like the futuristic city from the meme that's like the world if Latinos were Muslim. Yes, exactly. That's also right, though. Yes, I mean, I believe that firmly. If Latinos were Muslim, Slough would look awesome. It should have been. It's so fucked up. We would I mean, I believe that's where Muslim slough would look awesome

They should have been it's so fucked up would have leveled up so hard Everyone will be flying around the world to visit Swindon in all of the place Halal carnitas place in the middle of a roundabout in Swindon This is what you could have had people of Britain government is hard change is hard for a lot of the time I felt I was pulling a jumbo jet single-handedly with a leather bit between my teeth. I'd been watching The World's Strongest Man. I appreciate it, apparently we were governed by a Law and Order SVU episode. Yeah. For about four years, three years? It was a long time, it felt longer.

I worried that without constant forward grunting we would wallow and lose momentum. There's no point going over whatever I may think. He needs to stop saying shit like constant forward grunting. This is like when that person described what having sex with Nicholas Soames was like. Yeah, who remembers that? Yeah, it was having a very large wardrobe fall on you with a small key stuck in the lock.

Yes. Winston Churchill didn't live to hear that description of his grandson, but. Well, there's no point going over what I think may have been the mistakes of my successors. Both Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak do have some good qualities and each was handed some bad luck. I used to claim my chance of being here. Liz Truss's bad luck was that she was made Prime Minister.

No. We are now, blessedly, at Chapter 60. Oh. Oh. Imagine I'm gonna do this one more time. Imagine this has been about an hour and 25 minutes, let's say maybe less five minutes for all the sort of, you know, blathering up front. That's about an hour and 20 minutes. That's your hour and 20 minutes

of experiencing this book. Of your life. Imagine now reading the whole thing over the course of I'd say about like a whole day because you can't just skim it. You have to take, you have to find the stuff you want to say. Imagine if this lasted for eight hours. I've got to go walk in for a day of reading a terrible book. And at the site of every weird horny pun, you remember that you intentionally became

British. Ha ha ha ha ha. Woo! Oh, save us. We're gonna make this the best country in the world to start a podcast. Yeah! This is upon seeing the queen on her deathbed. She seemed pale and more stooped and she had dark bruising on her hands and wrists,

but her mind was completely unimpaired by her illness and from time to time. She was still a saucy cow. Ha ha ha. She was a minx. And from time to time. You still a saucy cow. She was a minx. And from time to time, you still would, that's what I'm saying. From time to time, in our conversation she still flashed that great white smile and its sudden mood lifting beauty. To go and see the Queen for an hour a week was to pour

your heart out to more than a privilege. It was a bomb. It was a free form of therapy. It was like being at school and being taken out to tea by your much-loved grandmother. On one occasion, I was belly-aching about the miseries of COVID, the human toll, and the awful consequences. Oh well, she said briskly, I guess we will just have to start again. Wait, wait, what? Like, like repopulate the Earth? She's like, well, Boris. Why, I think you'll find I've seen Threads. Threads was a wonderful film. I don't know why she's Mickey Mouse.

Oh, you guys, you better start fucking and repopulate this country. Well done, Vicky is killing the Dolmio family, Boris. They knew too much. Now, he then says this is, of course, because she rebuilt after the Second World War. But it was also she who broke it to me that a very expensive F-35 had blown a gasket and dropped off an aircraft carrier because someone left a plastic tray over the air intake. Why is the Queen telling you this?

Why the fuck is the Queen giving him tactical information? And then she, and then he says, Boris, I regret to inform you there's a nuclear armed walking battle tank on Shadow Moses Island. Liz, give me a sitrep. Yeah, Boris. Boris, you must join me in Outer Heaven.

Boris, you must remove the memory card. Join me in my lair on the ship full of explosives and Clifford the Big Red Dog in the Temzestery. We have to finish him. One always spends Christmas on Spider Skull Island. At the end of our last meeting, Kerry was sent in by tradition to join us and the Queen repeated something she said earlier.

That's what that brooch was making fun of him for. Spending every fucking Christmas on Spider Skull Island. Actually the best island a British politician could be spending Christmas on when you consider the other options. And one of those islands is Britain. She was surprised. British politician could be spending Christmas on when you consider the other options. And one of those islands is Britain. She was surprised.

It says, this is again like after he gets to Fenestrated, right? Because she's about to die and he gets to go visit her as an ex-prime minister. How annoying for the Queen. And it's like, I'm afraid by tradition, like the fourth last person you see while alive has to be Boris Johnson. However, she was surprised by my general lack of bitterness, given what had happened to me in Westminster. Again, even the Queen thought that I'd been wronged. With her final breath, she said,

you know Boris, it's everyone else's fault. I was so magnanimous that the Queen was like, you should be more upset, Boris. And unfortunately, there were limits to what my morale pump could do. There's no point in bitterness, she said. And amen to that. If everyone in politics and life could see the world as clearly as she did, the world would be a much, much happier place. I reckon that in the last 15 years at or near the top of UK politics, I have

built or done or set in train a lot of things that are useful. From hire bikes to nuclear reactors, bridges and colossal new railways, we launched a program of leveling up to unleash the full potential of the UK and it remains the right way ahead for the entire country. Thank you Lakshmi Mittal for the tower. And thank you Between the Bridges for coming out at Stormberg! It's not over for Boris Johnson. Yes. He has hundreds of children and one of them will become Prime Minister.

One of them will avenge him. Now if you have a foam finger or other bit of sporty silliness, if you wore a beer helmet or a flag on your hair, please stand up. I'm going to decide who I'm giving the book to. Let's see. You know what? I like the guy in the North Korean, by the way. Yup, you.

Yup, immediately. There you go. Come and receive this cursed object. Sorry foam finger guys, I wanted to give it to you, but I have to hand it to you. We are technically adherence to Juche. Thank you for coming. You want to say a few words about Juche. Thank you for coming. You want to say a few words about Juche?

No, really. Listen, I'm gonna be real with you. I've done a lot. I've done a lot of live podcast where people from the audience have come on stage and that is the absolute correct response. Thank you. Now, I hope you enjoy the worst book you'll ever read and I hope you all enjoyed coming out on a Sunday to Between the Bridges to hear the worst book I ever read.

Now, because this is a live podcast, we cannot possibly end on a high note. We have to end with admin and then try to summon it again later. Admin, do you have a torso? Would you like to cover your nakedness? If you have a torso and would like to cover it, or you'd like alternate torso coverings

to the one you're currently wearing, we are supplying them. They're right over there where the lovely Devin is standing. There we go. We don't sell them online, we only sell them at live shows. Everyone's like, please make a normal t-shirt.

We're like, come to our live show and you can get one. Otherwise you'll wear the weird joke shirts. Yeah. Come do the least normal thing possible and you'll be rewarded with the most normal t-shirt. Yes. Are we willing to make a t-shirt that doesn't have like a Mesoamerican ballgame joke on it

or something? Yes. Are we willing to sell it online? No. We are not. We only sell it at the live shows. Go, Pope! Thank you very much. Here we go, Popes.

X Cathedral. Anyway. Now, with all of that, they're going to be available to purchase over there from Milo, presumably. Yeah. Presumably. I imagine Milo. So now that the admin is done, is the admin done?

I think the admin's done, yeah. Now that the admin is done, is the admin done? I think the admin's done, yeah. Now that the admin is done, I also just want to thank the wonderful staff of the venue and to try to remember how we felt when I closed the laptop. Yeah. Get home safe, say goodbye to your uncle. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond.

Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond.

Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond.

Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond.

Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond.

Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond. Kill James Bond.