TRASHFUTURE - *PREVIEW* Balthasar Speedboat: Skincare Edition feat. Alex Haddow

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

Nothing but riffs. Nothing but jokes. Noting but Riley revealing more about himself and everyone saying 'I'm confused' or 'oh, that makes sense.' And this one features friend of the show and repeat guest Alex Haddow as well. Get the whole thing on Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/98508016 *STREAM ALERT* Check out our Twitch stream, which airs 9-11 pm UK time every Monday and Thursday, at the following link: https://www.twitch.tv/trashfuturepodcast *MILO ALERT* Check out Milo’s upcoming live shows here: https://www.miloedwards.co.uk/live-shows *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here: https://www.tomallen.media/ Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and November (@postoctobrist)

My level, have you got a drop your skincare routine? Have you got one? I put moisturizer on sometimes. That's good. I think that's pretty good for a man. Yeah, I'm pretty straight. Actually, so ladies. I fucking love Fanny's.

Yeah, that's right. I love a bit of Minj, me. I love Minj and being wrinkled. Yeah, I love a bit of Minj and a bit of white. Classic combo. They call that the Bosnian breakfast. It has Reservatrol in it. That's good.

I love that whole like, TikTok, some genre, just people doing Bosnian breakfast, it's a bit de-ages you. The actual Bosnian breakfast is an espresso and a cigarette. Well, pounding house music plays in the cafe that you're in. Yeah. I want to go to Bosnia so bad. So picture this in the manline picture is wearing a puffer jacket. In someone.

Yeah. Yeah. In one of those cafes with the Lavazza coffee. You got it. Lavazza. You got to go. What I've discovered about the Balkans is that you got to go. Have you discovered what Kosovo is?

That's right. It's part of Albania. It will shock you. That's right. White boy sharks call it a restaurant. Yeah. Like Slovenia nice, but it's just like being in Europe. Okay. Croatia and Serbia suck. Croatia I've been to, but I went to the nice touristy bit.

Yeah, in the south. Oh, northern Croatia really sucks. Really? Southern Croatia is still like, it's like, what if Italy had shit food? Yeah, that's exactly where I've been. And you're paying Italy prices. So on aggregate sucks. Yeah, just go to Italy. Yeah, no point. But if you go to like the, like the, the, the Muslim, like Turkic bits, like the Bosnian shit, crazy, great, great food, people are nice really because it like there's something about the like the the kind of like the Middle Easternness of the

culture overrides the kind of like Slavic agro so you're getting the nice Arab-ish kind of like please come in have a coffee would you like a cigarette rather than like what do you fucking want? Do you bring your calipers? No. I've never actually been to Bosnia, but I've been to like Bosnian stuff in Croatia, and it's so much better than the Croat stuff. Like better service, better food. So I'm pro Bosnian. This is gonna kick it all off again. I know.

Without Serbian audience. Just as if things were calming down. I know, I know. It's all going to kick off. I've seen Bosnia, but I've never been there. You've seen it? Well, you're like, putt- I was in Croatia in Dubrovnik, and they were like,

that peak of that mountain is the start of Bosnia. So I have seen that country, but I've never been. And what opinions have you formed based on what you've seen? Based on what I've seen, very mountainous. Because I saw one mountain. Because isn't it to drive from Dubrovnik to Split, you actually have to go through Bosnia? There's like a... Yeah, it's a weird thing.

Croatia's like a crescent. Yeah. Yeah, you have to go through like Mostar or something. Yeah. My most niche country that I've been to is El Salvador. Twice. That's a dangerous country as well. Very dangerous. Because you had the boyfriend in El Salvador, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've been to is El Salvador. Oh, twice. That's a dangerous country. It's very dangerous.

Because you had the boyfriend in El Salvador, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've been there twice and it was a real eye opener. Yeah. That was like a tiny. I'm sorry, Alex, here we only have the dead all the way. Due to the American blockade, you see. That all British companies. The dead all wipe is a delicacy.

Yeah. Don't eat anything that hasn't been wiped down. I did actually learn that I shouldn't have eaten some of the things they haven't been wiped down. No, I went there, that's a different story. There was a little kiosk of bread rolls with a man with an AK-47 guarding them. And I was like, we're in a different zone now. No one's this fucking bakery's been burned before. It was insane. It's just like, if Jean Valjean comes here, I'm fucking killing him.

Yeah, it was... It's like going to a Greg's in Wigan. Yeah, yeah. Some of Greg's do have bouncers now, the late night ones. Well, I always remember that as a terrifying do have bouncers now, the late night ones. Well, I always remember. They're going to say where is El Salvador. Well, last time you were on, we talked about the Turkish restaurant with the bouncers. Yes. I still haven't been, but my girlfriend and I walked there.

They were like, no, in those shoes, sunshine. Can't get in. I'm trying to like find someone cool who regularly goes to the Turkish restaurant and try and say I'm with him. No, you have to look really gay. Yeah. someone cool who regularly goes to the Turkish restaurant and try and say I'm with him. No, you have to look really gay. Yeah. What donor options are there tonight?

Show him your lack of pause. Well, you've got to name all of the salads a bit, so otherwise they won't let you in. Adana Kebab. But there are McDonald's's with bouncers as well, quite a few of them. And they're the most terrifying. The one in Cambridge has bouncers as well, quite a few of them. And they're the most terrifying. The one in Cambridge has bouncers. Cambridge, come on. No, what's weird about Cambridge though is that not due to any of the people that live

there, but on a Friday and Saturday night it's rough because everyone from shit towns in the Midlands goes to Cambridge for a night out because it's less grim. So it's like, it's people from Corby. It's people from Kettering. We're ruining it. It's Bricklayers who will knock you out. And as a result, the Saturday night McDonald's bounce. He looked like a Viking. He was the biggest man I've ever seen.

He had a mohawk. I think you need that. McDonald's can be a very feral place post 1 a.m. I think. It's actually worse than the club, I think. Yeah, oh, 100%. Well, the club people are on good behavior, but McDonald's, it's like all of the, all of the beefs that we've been building up overnight. Well, there's a lot of beef in McDonald's.

Well, not always. My, after my mate's hen do this year, me and my pal went to McDonald's like in central about 3am and this guy tried to chat us up through the glass. Like we were eating our burger, pissed as fuck, like sat in the window. And this guy just came up to the window and was like, pointed at both of us and was like, come home with us. Larky's on a prison phone. Yeah, genuinely like that. We were like, no way. He put his hand up against the glass like this. He would put his face up against the glass. Come on, love. Yeah, go on, you slag. What on. What a great thing to do, just to be like, all right, here's how I'm gonna get these ladies

to abandon their drunk food and come home with me, is by blowing my cheeks out against the glass window. Literally that. We're McDonald's window and this is late night chirps in. God, I should call him. This is like a missed connection show. Like you just describe him. And then we presume he listens to Bows to Us. If you sing it, they will come.

What was the hen do like? The hen do was great and I'll tell you for why. I think it's the resurgence of... You went notably more northern on that one sentence. Yeah. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. And I'll tell you for why.

I'll tell you fucking why, right? Because it was a one night London piss up. Ah, the good old days. Minimal admin, everybody, like just having a great time. Nobody's worried about spending £800. Yeah. Just a great... You're just doing it.

Yeah, and a great reminder of why nobody goes out in central London after the pub stage of the night because we went to this club and it was in a fun way that it was I mean it may as well have been a tiger tiger it was a completely different window into like you're out with the people from Kent now yeah was it was it Zabrano it was it was very similar it was very similar to Zabrano. I'm actually barred from Zabrano because I used to work above it years ago. And so there was a door from our office into the back of Zabrano's. So you could get in without going out building and back into the on the ground floor. You had private Zabrano access.

We had private Zabrano access, usually reserved for only men paying for women, I imagine. Does David Lewis still run that gig there. He does. Yeah. Yeah. I've done that as well. But years ago, I it's the same owner, I think, as well. And I was like, I hope he didn't remind me. Remember me because I snuck in and went behind the bar at the top that wasn't being in use and nicked a bottle of Amaretto.

And then he saw me doing it on the cameras and came up and said, you're both coming back now. You're banned from your band from conveniently entering your office, basically. Yeah, essentially, that's what happened. Yeah, so that's it. That was a low moment. Well, the trip with the office is go in at 8.30 AM,

get a stamp, then go home, have a bit more of a sleep, come back at 11 AM, you don't have to queue. Yeah, in a different top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they think you've been in since 8.30. Oh, clever. Yeah, it's perfect stuff. It works very well.

Yeah. It was actually loop bar that we went to. Have you been there? Loop bar? It was a proper meat market. Like we were clearly on a hendu, just all having a nice laugh, like a massive piss up. And then these guys just sort of surrounded us.

Um, and we're sort of like quite insistent on, you know, dancing with us, even though we were like very nicely like, oh, no, you know, we're sort of like quite insistent on, you know, dancing with us, even though we were like, very nicely like, oh, you know, we're just kind of sort of having a night out with our mate tonight. That's not really that kind of vibe. And they would not let it go. It was like a meat market in there. What was, do you recall any of their sort of approaches, any of the lines? The approaches genuinely were like just wedging themselves in between me and somebody out in my pals. Like a flanking manoeuvre.

Genuine, like the killer whales with the seal. It was like that. It's terrible what they do to shocking men these days. If you go to a sea world, you can actually hear them crying. They make them wear socks. It's not fair. Nobody was wearing any socks in this club. It was just stroking the glass at sea.

You should be in there. You belong in an all bar one. Free. You should be drinking a Peroni somewhere. Talking to a guy called Smithy. Yes. Exactly that. You should be wearing really tight jeans and a tight t-shirt. Was it tight jeans, tight shirts?

There was a lot of deep Vs. A lot of deep Vs. It feels like a window. It has a pattern. It was bordering on Australian. It was very bordering on Australian, but they weren't Australian. They were very much loafer, bare ankle, trouser, tight. Yeah.

Top tight. Victorian would have been scandalised. Bare ankle. Victorian would have been all over shop. These men are far too tight. Yeah. A Victorian would have been scandalized. Yeah. Bare anchor. A Victorian would have been all over the shop. These men are far too sexy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then what they do is... There are no tables in here. That is your favorite fact. It's what... Because it's so funny. It's that and Joseph Fritzel.