TRASHFUTURE - *PREVIEW* Balthasar Speedboat: The Decline and Fall of Salt Bae feat. Glue Factory

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

  It's the cast of Glue Factory doing an episode of all riffs, no theme, and a deeply felt exploration of the faltering annoying Turkish restaurant chain in London, plus the cast compares their neurodivergence test scores like character stats, Riley recounts sneaking a DVD box set of Nip/Tuck to French immersion camp, and more... Get the full episode on Patreon here! *MILO ALERT* Check out Milo’s UK Tour here: https://miloedwards.co.uk/live-shows *TRASHFUTURE LIVE SHOW ALERT* We will be live in London at Between the Bridges on Sunday, November 24! Get tickets here. Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and November (@postoctobrist)

You're inventing a new kind of sex work where it's just talking, but it's not like sexy talking. You'd be surprised as to how much of sex work is actually that. Yeah. From what I hear from the sex workers on Twitter who I follow. That's what I've heard is that they always say, you'd be amazed how often it's just dinner. And you're like, that does sound pretty good. Dinner you say.

How much dinner? Dinner, eh? Is it as a dinner included in the price? They throw the dinner in? Can you have double dinner? At what point do you think if you hired an escort and said, I'm going to have seven dinners, we're going to spend, you know, 11 hours in one restaurant. And I need you to just rub my belly in between courses while I go, oh. I need you to endorse my disgusting gluttony. So reverse mukbang. Who's a good boy? After each dinner, I'm going to need you to say, Hey, I could

still eat. Could you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's mukbang adjacent, isn't it? I'm paying you to watch me do a mukbang. Well, it's more like I'm paying you to give me the sort of social permission to sort of just keep having dinners. Yeah. Staying the waiter, he's a growing boy. He's, look at him go. And then his wife is at home crying saying, I would have watched him eat the dinner. All he had to do was ask back in the day,

are you staying? Six, seven, 13 dinners in front of me when we were starting to go out. When I get into the seventh dinner, what am I doing? I'm sick. I could eat seven dinners in front of my wife at home What's wrong with me? Mommy I saw daddy dinner in front of another lady. Oh, that's okay, but it was dinner number nine It's not even like I don't want to eat seven dinners in front of her we just we just lost touch with one another

She's just on her phone instead of watching me eat that dinner. I don't even need her to watch me eat the dinner. I just need her to say, we can have a little more. One of those like online confession things where it's like, oh, I'm just quickly trying to eat five or six dinners before my wife gets home. It's only when she's out at yoga class that I get a chance to do that. But sometimes she walks in on me and I just feel that she's disgusted. says how many dinners have you had and it's been seven, but I say she wouldn't believe it If I just said just the one dinner three three Then you know, it's like okay. Well if I said one she okay. Well, you're lying. Yeah, I don't want her to think seven

No, I can walk back three. My wife said sorry. I'm not beaver and that really hurt me I never wanted her to be oh fuck beaver. Oh shit I didn't want to ever remember the no-chew man again. The swallowing man, yeah. But he does chew. It's a liar. I think he chews less. It's fast marketing. He's a liar.

That's your beef with Bevo. He's a revolting liar. Well, we were doing Glue Factory. I pulled up an article that I just, oh yeah, we have a podcast, four of us, called Glue Factory. It's on YouTube. You know the deal. There's an episode every week for that.

I don't know why I pulled this up. It was around when we were talking about like- Cannibalism. The historic, yeah, it was hey, cannibalism or the historically accurate Viking. Cause I remembered, I just remembered. It was, we were talking about like the Turkish guy. It was being protected by the Vikings.

And I remembered, I wonder what happened with the world's sort of most profitable, but most personally odious restaurant owner, Nusret Gocce. Who's that? Salt Bay. Oh yeah, what about it? Well, apparently his restaurants have started to lose an awful lot of money. Oh no. Oh really?

Because they're bad. They're bad. They're bad restaurants. Well, they're really ludicrously expensive. Yeah. They're the ones where people are always posting the bill and it's like, oh, we had dinner for two and it was $15,000. What is it? Gold plated Tomahawk steak is their special. Yeah, that's their thing. What I also find very... Like a champagne sparkler in the middle of it.

No, what I find really funny about those bills sometimes is there's, yeah, it's a $14,000 bill or whatever. And it's like all like steak and fries. It's like steakhouse food, but with gold leaf on it. And then like 19 vodka red bowls that you're pairing 19 vodka red bowls with this like big juicy steak. And I don't fucking get it. Who is doing that?

Yeah, awful people. Imagine the bathrooms in that place. God. Yeah. That's why they're losing the money. They have to keep replacing the bowl. And it's got gold leaf on it. So they're flushing a lot of money down the leaf. Surely they just recycle the gold leaf. They would forge it anew. Oh, you wouldn't. You wouldn't want the poo leaf on your steak. Well, you're drinking pee. It's just cleaned pee. He needs to open his own abattoir. Yeah. Oh steak. Well, you're drinking pee. It's just cleaned pee.

He needs to open his own abattoir. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's how he saves money. Gold plated cow. Man, this guy's trying to piss off God. Yeah. That's the thing.

Like every God. Like the gold food is to piss off some kind of Aztec God. Like the gold cow is to piss off the Christian God. He's covering all the... This man wants to be struck down. He's committing suicide by deity. He's actually annoyed that he can't seem to commit enough hubris to get struck down. He's like, I thought I was really good at hubris, but it turns out I'm not as good at hubris as I thought I was.

I thought I was so good at hubris, perhaps even better than the God. No, this is an article that came out one month ago. Woman arrested after restaurant that feuded with Salt Bae has £5,000 worth of meat stolen. Wow, one Tomahawk steak missing. Yeah. One gold-plated cow stolen. The old November tweet of, I hope they found both the textbooks. Yeah.

Do you think he gets carpal tunnel or like a repetitive strain injury on his wrist or a sparkling... I am at... If it was like 2020... Like what? Like 2018? When did he do his thing for sparkling salt? If it was like 2020, like what, like 2018? When did he do his thing? Like 2018, if it was 2018 and he came to your table and did that little salt thing, that must have been like Christmas for the very dumb.

Like if, for just, that must have been like the most exciting thing for a really stupid guy. Just like on the GIF. I've got the meme dinner. I've hired a GIF for 15 grand. For 15 grand. Which GIF would you hire for 15 grand? 15 grand? Yeah. I'm giving you 15 grand, you can only spend it on hiring a meme. I get the cereal guy to sort of... Who's the cereal guy? You're the cereal guy? Who's the cereal guy? It's not a meme. It's

like an old meme. It's like an old comic. Where it's like a guy eating cereal and he says... He's like spitting the cereal out of the prize. He says something like... Stick man. It's like an old comic. What does he do? Where it's like a guy eating cereal and he says- He's like spitting the cereal out of his surprise. Yeah, he says something like- Stick man. He's a stick man. Yeah, he's a stick man eating cereal and he says something like, I don't know, George Bush definitely won't mispronounce three words in this speech and then, you know, then there's a clip of George Bush being like, I resemble that remark or whatever and then he spits

out the cereal. Oh, I know exactly the one you're talking about. Yeah, the cereal guy. I'd hire a cereal guy. Yeah, the cereal stick man. He would be a stick man Of course, it would be a normal guy in a morph suit with a stick figure drawn on it And then if you would go into the pose and I'd be like, I love you

being an eccentric billionaire Yeah, I mean that you get to interesting territory there cuz that sort of assumes there is a serial guy to hire what you're doing Is you're hiring a guy to be the serial guy But that presumably you could do very cheaply you can get an out-of-work actor to do that if I were a billionaire I would get so many out-of-work act I would hire so many out-of-work actors to do stuff like this and they would be like yeah But like why am I spitting the cereal out? That's what I'm trying to understand like he's like trained at Rada. Yeah Okay. Yeah, no, I get that no I am so well I'm kind of focusing on working at Predimont J at the moment, but you know-

It's one of the few jobs, like, that you can get without, like, internships, whatever. This is a serious, well-paid, with clear roots up job in the entertainment industry. What's the root up place? Other memes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you could be the old man grimacing at the computer. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you could be- That's sort of like the Ian McKellen type, you could be the old man grimacing at the computer As you get older you can get into older means you can be the guess I'll die guy. Yeah Gary and guy. Yeah. Yeah, I'd hire him Smile yeah I love a guy who they used as an advert campaign for some couple clubs. Show me the sort of real life application. Where are you hiring him? In what context? In my entourage.

Oh! He would just be with me in a general sense. He'd carry my gun into the nightclub when I got searched. On your tour bus, his car would have the guns and drugs in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be fair, I would want him- And then when the police come over, he'll go, ha ha ha, look on the internet. And I'll say, exactly. Your tour bus his car would have the guns and drugs Internet and I'll say exactly yeah, hey you get it you get it officer Yeah, I've got him the overly attached girlfriend and of course the advice dog

It's very old now the advice dog. He does he shits a lot on the tour bus Yeah, it's the tour bus but we love him. What is your tour bus doing? What is your tour doing around? Yeah, HPS stand up tour. You just have an entourage of out of work actors, you've hired to play memes from 14 years ago. No, no, no, the real guy. I'm saying I have an actual guy. He's alive and all. They go to Salt Bae's restaurant, you get the bill, it's $15,000, you give it to the old guy who say do the face. Do the face and pose with the bill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you get the you get the sort of the bulging vein kid in computer class. Oh, he's great. He could also hold the bill. You could do like a contest of hey, here's the

$15,000 salt bay bill, right? Cuz we're running through every old meme. We're in 2018 now. There's that one. What I want you to do is do your meme reactions and the best one gets to eat tonight. Now that Ellen is cancelled, we're doing her job on this very podcast. Discovering internet people and making them do things for entertainment. There needs to be some, she needs to come back to stop like, like, Hayley Welch should be gone. Oh my god, are you threatened by another podcaster? That's kind of what it sounds like. She's a hock to a girl who has a talk to a podcast. Oh, but what is it about?

Is it about sucking dicks? No, I think it's just an interview podcast. No, that's this podcast. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Or like the, the, the were Costco guys people, they should have been expunged. I love the Costco guys. I love the Costco guys.

Which one is that one? Okay. So Costco guys, it's a failed wrestler from New Jersey, I believe. And so he tried to get viral so many times. He like did wrestling. Is guys, it's a failed wrestler from New Jersey, I believe. And so he tried to get viral so many times. He like did wrestling content. Is that the music of the failed wrestler from New Jersey? He's being pile driven by the historically accurate spiking.

He's just not very good. That's his whole thing as a wrestler. He's an amazing wrestler because he's able to play a bad wrestler. I wanna say he's Italian American. He's got very long eyelashes, that's his thing. He has failed, tried and failed to be a wrestler, a content creator, and then one time,

he's like, he has a young, young son, he decided to do a video reviewing Costco food with his son, and it went viral, and then they started doing videos of just reviewing Costco food together, and now they're a whole empire because they have a whole cast of characters. They have a fake cousin called the Rizzler,

it's just another kid who they're not related to, but they call him a cousin. And they have these like almost sketches. Who has like perfect sphere physiognomy. He's amazing. The Rizzler is the best. You've never seen a boy so spherical as Rizzler. I love the Rizzler.