TRASHFUTURE - *PREVIEW* The 2023 Direct-to-Netflix Kevin Hart Vehicle ‘Lift’

Episode Date: May 11, 2024

For this week's bonus, the gang watched Lift, a movie where Kevin Hart plays a gentleman thief who lives in the Battersea Sky Pool building. Also, it contains the line: “I paid my $22m… I want my NFT.”   Get the whole episode on Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/2023-direct-to-103996656   *LIVE SHOW ALERT* See us live in London on May 29th with special guest Nish Kumar! Get tickets here: https://bigbellycomedy.club/event/trashfuture-presents-liz-truss-presents-ten-years-to-save-the-west-ft-nish-kumar/ *STREAM ALERT* Check out our Twitch stream, which airs 9-11 pm UK time every Monday and Thursday, at the following link: https://www.twitch.tv/trashfuturepodcast *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and November (@postoctobrist)

So we have the... how the lift gang, the lifters, they're turned to the government, because again, the totally necessary master of disguise, who was also in the auction for some reason. ALICE Who's also the comic relief, because he does a weird accent and doesn't have very good disguises. RILEY Every disguise is like Colonel Sanders. That's the only disguise he has. He's like, I can do Colonel... is it Colonel Sanders again? Yeah, that's the disguise.

Yeah. Yeah. He is, uh, he's made by Interpol, who was watching footage taken of the- because the NFT takes footage of the moment of its purchase. The fuckin' A. Gunderson must've thought he was so cool, he was like, I remember- wouldn't that be so meta? It's like Banksy shredding his artwork. When I called him A. Gunderson I meant like a singular Gunderson, but I like the idea

that we've turned him into, like, I dunno, Aaron Gunderson. It's short for AR-15 Gunderson. I get average American name. Yeah, that's right. You've got Big Shortman and you've got AR-15 Gunderson. That's right. Ah, the American family. So he is made, because he's such a terrible master of disguise, that he flips his cane

from hand to hand, that again, he doesn't need... What if he's just a steampunk guy? We, yeah, we kick the sort of, like, enhance CCTV scene out of the way early, when Agent Gladwell is like, yeah, he's fucking faking that limp, I guess. This is the bit of the film that fucked me off the most, because this is an element of the plot that makes no fucking sense, and it doesn't make no sense in the way that the rest of the plot doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense internally.

They're like, oh yeah, we've caught your master of disguise. This man was at an auction, with a cane he didn't need, 40 years in jail unless you work for us. It's like, no, what? You've got nothing on him! He was just at an auction where they bought an artwork legally! Like, what are you charging him with? Like, why would he turn fucking Interpol's witness all of a sudden? They've got literally nothing on this guy, and then Kevin Hart's like, damn, the government

finally got us after all these years of heisting. ALICE I love the concept of Interpol's witness. ALICE That's right, yeah. RILEY You've also thought, just as a side point, that if this was the Lyft team, that they would have a plan for lifting people out of those types of tricky situations. RILEY Yeah, compliance. RILEY Full compliance!

I can't do twenty years in The Hague, I won't do it. I gotta turn interpoles witness. ALICE It's like every hardened criminal knows, right? As soon as the cops say anything to you, what you're gonna want to do is do a bunch of Colonel Sanders bits and then tell them everything. ["Why, I suppose you've caught me fair and square. I shall have to tell you all of the details about our little heist plan." , laughter, you pick him up for something, they do some, like, southern lawyer shit to

you, and then they immediately lead you to their hideout slash hype house. D&J I suppose the time of the southern lifting man is all over. We are half an hour into this hour-long podcast, and five minutes into the movie. Let's put a step forward. ALICE It's fucking terrible! Like, it's not worth watching, it's barely worth talking about. I'm mostly here for the fuckin' tanga eggs.

We, uh, the stakes are then established, which is that- Why, Agent Gladwell, this is my tanga egg! I was gonna say, like, could that be the ultimate lip? You're getting the tanga eggs! You're getting the converge egg, John Renau! Considering the pace of this episode, you could learn a thing or two from Kevin Hart as the leader of the Lift Group. We could learn a thing or two from A. Gunderson, because he fucking at least paces a movie

within what, an hour and a half. Ma'am, you don't fuck the egg per se. You fuck the lining of the egg. I should clarify. Getting confused ordering a team of eggs. The egg is more of a receptacle for the masturbatory sleeve. It's a marketing gimmick, if anything. Yeah.

We establish the stakes of the movie, which is, um, Jean Reno, also known as the other good actor, the other good older actor that they hired. Yeah, remember Leon the Professional? He's in this for like, a minute. Yeah. That's what I love about this, though, is that him and Vincent D'Onofrio, they must have argued some kind of a seagull provision in their contract, where you're like, fine, I'll do the movie, but I will be seated.

I will be seated for the duration. D'Onofrio is seated for the duration, but he gets a couple of scenes. Jean Reno is like, and he did an extension to my house, and so that's why he's in this movie. Y'know? They heard that Jean Reno doesn't get up for less than a million dollars. They're like, well you stay seated for half. Yeah, that's right.

They've also given Jean Reno the Einstein haircut. That's the only way I can just go, I've never seen Jean Reno look this insane. Y'know, like, why is his hair like that? Jean Reno is Lars Jorgensen. look this insane. You know, like, why is his hair like that? So, who is... Javrono is Lars Jorgensen. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Average Swedish man, Lars Jorgensen.

So, Lars Jorgensen, basically, he's been like, shortening the airline stocks and planning 9-11 for years and years and years. They're doing the fucking Casino Royale thing again, he's a Le Chiffre, except worse. He's Swedish Le Chiffre. Have you heard of 9-11, Mr. Bond? You've taken care of your buddy. I think you'll find, well, in Sweden we call it 11-9. Because that is the correct way around.

Nothing happened on the 9th of November, did it, Mr. Bond? Perhaps you'd like to enjoy some of my lutefisk? And so they're like, we're gonna, we got Lars Jorgensen has hired a hacker group Leviathan that's also comprised of sort of very like telegenic sort of 20 somethings who by the way, when they come on screen are all killed immediately. They're all really into Hobbs. Leviathan, who has hacked all of the water supply of the entire world and is going to start flooding cities

so that Lars Jorgensen can make money shorting utilities. Yeah, this is fucked as well, because if you're that good at computer hacking, which no one is, if you're so good at computer hacking you can cause the apocalypse with computers, why are you relying on this man to give you money to cause a flood? You could just make money yourself with all the computer hacking you do. Why-? ALSO, crucially, that money has to be, because Leviathan are so good at hacking, they don't trust, like, bank transfers, it has to be in gold ingots, like, they're dwarves.

Which they're flying on a commercial passenger flight! Yeah, you can't get a charter. Yeah. This guy couldn't have sprung for a jet. This is my last half a billion dollars in gold, I literally can't afford a private flight. Yeah, sort of a liquidity issue. He's like the opposite of Taylor Swift. Even when he has a very very good reason to have a private jet, he's like, no, I think

I'll just go commercial, to be honest. He's been on fucking Skyscanner, right, and they have told him, uh, to just get like a Swiss Air. A few hours of Ryanair, Mr. Bond. The flight prices are very attractive, but the baggage allowance is very difficult, especially when you have half a ton of gold. It costs sixty euros to store your half a ton of gold if you can't get it to fit into the overhead bin.

That's right. Or putting it all in his henchman's backpacks. So they all fit in there. They're all just stumbling onto the plane. They booked out an entire ride in air flight, each in one bar of gold. The stuff that they do put on the henchman for this flight is hysterical. It's so awesome. Oh yeah, we'll get to it. It's so good.

Okay, so we're gonna gloss quite a bit of what I would call Act Two of this film. Oh Jesus, yeah, just fuckin' Agent Gladwell comes to the hideout. Okay, but we have to talk about the hideout though, because this was so obviously... I would describe this whole scene where she comes to the hideout as, how much did this brand chip in for that reference? Oh no, cause Ballimore, right, the company that built the building with the Skypool, must have- Michael Ballimore.

Must have paid. Very bad luck with Swingpools. Yeah, I know, you wouldn't get any in Swingpool. Especially not at that kind of height. Has he learned no lesson? No lesson! How do you learn a lesson from your own death? No, no, he didn't die, someone else died in his pool. No lesson! No lesson! How do you learn a lesson from your own death?

No, no, he didn't die, someone else died in his brain. Michael Barrymore's absolute height of hubris to build a second ball in the sky. Michael Barrymore, like, it's like if Daedalus had another son, and was like, right, we're gonna build you some proper fucking wings this time. And then we'll show the son who's boss. ALICE I think we're gonna be better at flying with wax wings than anyone in the world, perhaps better than the gods.

RILEY That's right. ALICE Yeah, so he lives in the building with the fucking Skypool that we've made fun of before, the one with the giant crack in it. RILEY Yeah, the one where if you take a shit in it they have to evacuate nine Elms. ALICE Exactly. And Agent Gladwell shows up, he like, hands her a bottle of Grey Goose and a weirdly close shot of the bottle of Grey Goose, and you go, how much did Grey Goose pay for that?

Uh, it's real bad. It is, it's like the movie Food Fight, but with luxury brands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, the vibe between them is that they have fucked one time in such a way that they fell in love when they were both undercover. And they were like, and everyone keeps referring to that week in Paris, and then they both snap back, it was five days! No, she says it was five days and he says it's a week, that's the argument.

Yeah, this is Gold, from A. Gunderson. Yeah. Great work from Gunderson. And the vibe is, you have to work to steal, lift, this gold, and I'm coming with you to supervise. I, an Interpol agent, am going to supervise you doing, engaging in the crime. I mean, there's no, as far as I know, no precedent for cops, kind of like, undercover running crimes. That's never happened.

RILEY Well, but not in the way that this movie is portraying it. ALICE No, that's true. RILEY Not where everyone knows that's what the cops do. ALICE She sort of influences the Lyft crew to try to kidnap Gretchen Whitmer, and then they all get arrested like two weeks before. RILEY It's not like the cops were running Jokhar Tsarnaev to like, take out a team of

elite terrorists disguised as marathon runners. Well, you say that but you don't know. Maybe he just perfectly aced that, right? You don't know... Boston Batman. You know how I got these pressure cookers? I'm Jokhar Tsarnaev. God damn it. I got these pressure cookers. I'm Joker

Damn it RIP Joker, Joker son I have you'd have loved UFC