TRASHFUTURE - PREVIEW The Church of Colin the Caterpillar: TF Live in Birmingham 14/5/23

Starting point is 00:00:00 They also say, yes, we will basically spy on all your employees and all your customers because all of them are stealing from you all the time with definitely 100% for sure, something that you can trust. Another one. We're the only ones you can trust. Another one because also, it's not just cameras on the checkouts and in the stock room, but also on every shelf as well, if you'd much rather have like a billion spy cameras than just a guy.

Starting point is 00:00:25 I think it's cool that we're building like sort of library of Alexandria level detail of like the inside of a Tesco at 3pm on a Tuesday. And if that ends up, put that on the fucking Voyager probe. That should be the last remnant of our civilization, a weirdly comprehensive record of the shoplifting that happens at like a Tesco Metro. This is also where I want to come back to like how they brand themselves. The last human ever seen by anyone is me stuffing a black bag of crisps into my jacket. It's also like, imagine some like future civilization.

Starting point is 00:01:02 What a laugh recovering this record be like, I guess this was their epic. It's the story of a woman who like buys three croissants, but only pays for two. They seem to have a worship cult around Colin the Caterpillar cake, but different supermarkets. He goes by different names, his form persists everywhere. I seem like the meal deal will be sort of considered to be a religious ritual. It'll be like a shield of Achilles situation will be very well described. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to think about the Colin the Caterpillar monomyth for the rest of my life.

Starting point is 00:01:47 This chocolate Caterpillar was sacred to them. They would eat of its flesh, children's birthday parties and retirement dues. So you're basically saying is eating Colin the Caterpillar at a birthday party is basically communion. Yeah, but like, yeah, Matt, well imagine if they recover like a bit of video showing someone getting like killed like shot because I'm trying to steal a call in the Caterpillar. And Colin the Caterpillar handed him a cup of your zoo and said, this is my blood. Yeah, and you know what that is, is that's establishing the stakes for the person that

Starting point is 00:02:28 then does it successfully on. They got adapted into an incredible movie in 2000 years, but I just want to like thinking about what this is. It's like, you know, the big Tesco Panopticon, how they brand themselves in the beginning as rock and roll guerrilla inventors inventing with hearts invented a big guerrilla that will get us any short lifters to be very we're going to go down a performing vein that they were like AI can invent millions of new guerrillas, the bands and just put them out in the world. They'll do music via AI.

Starting point is 00:03:00 I would not have expected it to be stopping shoplifters at Sainsbury's local well. They continuously create value and rock and roll business solutions and an unmatched pay. So I didn't see why you didn't see that. Okay, many ways like you know it is the new punk rock doesn't doesn't get much more punk or rock and roll than going to Tesco and seeing a shoplifter being beaten to death by a guerrilla. Well, yeah, I was going to say I mean that the the original punk rock and the yeah, the security guard murdering a guy over a loaf of prey are two things John Leiden would absolutely support.

Starting point is 00:03:31 So in a way it is the new punk rock like he works in lost prevention for country life bus. So so last feature also you can festoon your shelves and cameras to as we said create the religious epic of calling the caterpillar and the almost last supper that's more of a the almost supper before of course you get destroyed by an artillery for the last birthday tea time. Yeah, that's right. That's a really interesting sort of like epistemology around calling the caterpillar if it's the last supper because he is he inviting his disciples to eat him.

Starting point is 00:04:05 Finally you read a whole book for this and instead we morons that we are are talking to you about calling the caterpillar and they're loving it. They're lapping this shit up. Oh yeah, it's it's more edifying than the Matthew Goodwin book that was it was harder to read than the Liz trust one if you can believe it and after three days a chocolate butterfly in there. So the last of the features a virtual isle supervisor festoon everything cameras at the the so my favorite euphemistic wording for we are going to spy on people is product concealment events flagged when you a product concealment events such as as you said stuffing a bag of yeah. When I move fursively through the Tesco, you know concealing

Starting point is 00:04:57 some stolen items like sometimes I bring my backpack and I don't have a basket. I'll just throw some stuff in it and do this self check out. It's not like I'm stealing anything. I don't want to like oh I you know I threw one 30. I threw a bottle of water in there and they do the bin Laden raid on you to be fair to be fair. You'll just as until the very end you'll think everything's fine. You will not see them coming. Yeah, you come out of the thing. You've paid for all of your shit. They crash a helicopter next to the test every time someone like forgets to pull something out of their bag at the self check out 12 seals kill them in another 12 die. Very expensive this program the helicopter

Starting point is 00:05:37 they have to lose every time better. Better one helicopter full of seals crashes than one guilty man steal chips for free. These are the Pringles. We were tasked to recover sorry. It's just like a cinch crush. Pringles down real time also kind of Pringles wrapped in an American flag. Getting sent home to a tall can of Pringles just like tearfully Mr Pringles family is saluting us to pass the ramp. Also real time alerting on suspicious behavior in store. Yeah, you wear a hoodie into Tesco. You're getting buried at sea in the middle of the night. Yeah, your animal crossing save game is being uploaded to the CIA website. Last thing on ever seen is some of their ethical principles. The first one,

Starting point is 00:06:42 the first principle is blood blood for the blood God. The first principle is a beneficial innovation. That's not much better. That's not much more of a reference than I made and thank you to the blood God fans that you said you said beneficial invasion and innovation innovation. It's beneficial invasion. Surely you have to do Alexander Lukashenko voice for that. It's not war. It's beneficial invasion. We are bring them potato. No, we're going to bring them potato priced as fancy ketchup. The other way around. You know what I mean? Real innovation. Excuse me. Accountability, which is that AI technology must be subject to human oversight and control. For example, like when the when the when the seal team

Starting point is 00:07:42 six air hole will have to live air hole you. We should be apologizing if you actually weren't stealing anything and finally bias. We. This is this again. Remember earlier that you can get alert on whatever suspicious behavior you want. We promise to eliminate the Carpathian threat. We acknowledge the potential. This is like a like a land acknowledgement. It's crazy. We acknowledge the potential of AI algorithms and data sets to reafflect reinforce or reduce unfair biases and understand that distinguishing fair from unfair biases is not always easy, but we're going to hang them all and let God sort them out. But that doesn't mean we can ignore the danger of the Portuguese and and on working by the pastel than I have

Starting point is 00:08:28 the shot.

TRASHFUTURE - *PREVIEW* The Church of Colin the Caterpillar: TF Live in Birmingham 14/5/23

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TRASHFUTURE - PREVIEW The Church of Colin the Caterpillar: TF Live in Birmingham 14/5/23