TRASHFUTURE - Requiem for a Matt

Episode Date: June 18, 2019

We’re posting through tears on this one. Our precious boy -- our sweet, beautiful lad himself -- is no longer a candidate for the Tory leadership contest. That’s right, Matt Hancock has stepped down after only four days. It was a truly heart-rending experience for Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and Alice (@AliceAvizandum ). How can we live in a future where the human labrador retriever Matt Hancock isn’t making us appreciate the power of business? How can we live without a PM who does parkour? This isn’t fair. If you like this show, sign up to the Patreon and get a second free episode each week! You’ll also get access to our Discord server, where good opinions abound. https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture *WATCH THIS SPACE* We’ll be performing at the Birmingham Transformed festival on 8th August. Details to come in the next few weeks. If you’re in the West Midlands, come down to Brum for a night of delightful soup jokes. *LIVE SHOW ALERT* Come see Trashfuture live at the Edinburgh Fringe! We’ll perform on August 10th at 21.30. The venue is Venue 277, PQA Venues @Riddle's Court, Edinburgh EH1 2PG. Tickets are £11.50 and there are a ton of discounts available. Get them here: https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/trashfuture-live-at-the-fringe If you want to buy one of our recent special-edition phone-cops shirt, shoot us an email at trashfuturepodcast[at]gmail[dot]com and we can post it to you. (£20 for non-patrons, £15 for patrons) Do you want a mug to hold your soup? Perhaps you want one with the Trashfuture logo, which is available here: https://teespring.com/what-if-phone-cops#pid=659&cid=102968&sid=front

I'm Matt Hancock and I'm running to be your next Prime Minister. For the last few years we've been distracted and divided. We need a fresh start. The world is changing. But we can master those changes for our benefit. I believe in free enterprise and a free society. I believe in strong families. And strong families that come in all shapes and sizes.

And that business is a force for good in the world. And the smallest market trader. To the biggest multinational. I believe that the world is getting better thanks to the power of human engineering. But more than anything, I believe in people. I believe that each and every person is a contribution to make to society. And the role of government is to give each and every one of us the chance to make something of our lives.

So if I become Prime Minister, this is what I'll do. I'll deliver Brexit with a plan that brings people together. So we can move our country forward. I'll win the case for capitalism with the focus on putting pounds in profits. Tackling low pay. And seeing living standards in movies. Our harness modern technology. Like in the NHS, we're saving lives.

Every single day. I'll secure our nation's future by investing in a long-term plan for education. Let's restore this nation's confidence. With the patriotic unionism that brings people together. A politics that unites, not divides. I know we can win the future. So let's move forward. Together.

Let's jump forward to exactly four days later. I'm incredibly grateful for all the support that I've received throughout this campaign. And I'm really proud that we've set the agenda. And fighting for values of free enterprise and a free society. And trying to make sure that the Conservative Party is focused on delivering for people and winning the centre ground of politics. I've put myself forward as the candidate of the future. But it's increasingly clear that the party understandably is looking for a candidate

for the unique circumstances that exist now. So I've decided to withdraw from this race and find other ways to advance the values that I hold so strongly. The need for the Conservative Party to be pro-business, pro-enterprise, open, outward-looking, gregarious and engage supporting every individual to make the best that they can in life. I'll be talking to all the other candidates and see how best we can promote those values in the days to come, in this contest, and then through government over the months and years ahead.

Hello, and welcome back to TF, the TF edition, early edition, early in the week edition. Welcome to TF, early in the week edition. I'm Riley, and I'm remembering how to talk just now. I'm here in studio, of course, with Milo. Hey, it's me, your boy. Remember me? That's me. That's who you're listening to.

Hi. Nate, Mr. Nate on the boards. Hi. It's me. Mr. 2Dam on the boards. Mr. 2Dam on the boards is not even funny. Cool boarders over here. When I'm not in the studio, the boards don't work because they're temperamental devices

and you need a requisite amount of empathy and healing crystals to work them. Riley completely exempt from this. I don't think that anyone on this podcast can operate these boards as much as me. Just Marianne podcasting energy. I need to wear Nate's special dad shorts to operate the boards. That's the rule. I have never. And Alice, of course, calling in on the phone.

What's up? Aligning my podcasting chakra. I have never successfully operated the boards. That's for damn sure. There's always been some kind of fiasco that the second monitor is not plugged in. I don't know what to queue up. It just stops working. It doesn't work.

It records at a really weird frequency. Just awful creatures, the boards. Please, if there's anyone, it's a fiascom. Go to the Patreon and you can get pitched up or pitched down for our future. Yes. Out fast forward. Yeah. Riley's Alvin book, Chipmunks.

You can hear that. What's happened to your brain today? It's like, it's like, the whole brain is doing like a 404 file not found. Well, I mean, the thing that I remember was that you one time recorded, I think it was the Mark Fisher episode. You actually recorded it. It was like a sample mismatch. When I played it, it was basically trying to play your recording.

It had been recorded too slow almost. Because of the mismatch. It was you talking about Mark Fisher, but you were talking about Mark Fisher and reading really emphatic about it, but you know that like deep down, this is what we talk about when we talk about hauntology. Part of me was like, is this Riley's normal voice? It took me a lot to figure out whether or not that was your normal voice. Then finally, I was like, no, he doesn't talk like this.

Hauntology is when you do a spooky ghost voice and nothing else. I will not learn any differently. Exactly. Look, if we really want to hear about hauntology, I think we have to look no further than literally the worst thing that's happened. Hauntology. Anyways. The worst thing that's happened in weeks, Matt Hancock is no longer running to be the

leader of the Conservative Party and therefore Prime Minister of Britain. Yeah, Shahid. I'm pouring out a full mug of fuel for my boy. Yeah. It's interesting. People might not know this, but technically, the rules of hauntology as they were laid down by Mark Fisher are that Matt Hancock's campaign is hauntology now. Well, because you're envisioning the future you might have had if Matt Hancock had been

the Prime Minister, if everything had been made an app, if his beautiful, weirdly off-color prints on Belgian waffles, launch cookies, those could have been the start of something bigger. But instead, people looked at those beautiful stroop waffles and his beautiful face that was printed in a mismatched color profile and they said, I could have this, but instead I want to toast the HMS racism and then they voted for Boris Johnson. I want the racism mop. Give me the racism mop.

It's very depressing. All of those businesses that will go unencouraged, those startups that will not receive their atta boy, those people that might have gotten into parkour, but now won't. Those people who might have learned about their body. Think about all of the fun speeches that that human laboratory could have made from the podium outside Downing Street, where the main message was that Britain just has to get together and try its best because the real secret of Britain is, and then he takes a little piece of paper and he says, the people.

Amazing. And instead, we're just going to get slurs. Yeah. Matt Hancock envisions a political career as being like one of those like screwball, like loser comedies from the mid 2000s where like the way to solve Brexit is like, oh gee, the cost of doing Brexit is exactly the same as the prize in the dance competition. Well, I guess we've just got to assemble a crack team of misfits and learn our steps, boys.

It really is a shame because like he has the reality bending powers where everything around him becomes as stupid as he does. Yeah. Imagine that. That would happen. Yeah. He becomes prime minister and somehow magically he actually solves all of the problems because it's like a video game and it just adjusts to his abilities and he plays governance on

easy mode. And like suddenly it's like, oh, well, to solve global warming, you just have to count the gnomes in this in this picture. Matt Hancock, bring it on. That would be amazing. That would be actually be amazing if Matt Hancock learned about his body when he had to learn how to break dance. Absolutely.

And jar rules in the film for some reason. I don't know why. I don't even think that's canonical. It would be someone less current than Jarrow. It would be like DJ Jazzy Jeff. Yeah. And I really now we we are haunted by never getting to know what his solutions to global warming would have been because my God, I wanted to see them.

Yeah. He's watching Kelly Rowland text Bow Wow on Microsoft Excel and he's going, fantastic use of technology. Did he call to any drugs or was it just all of the others by the way? He got off that lounge. He got to doing a huge line of enthusiasm. Here's the thing. I don't think Matt Hancock actually smoked weed.

I think he was given a small bag of oregano for 200 pounds. Matt Hancock is actually a very heavy bag of oregano. Matt Hancock is actually furiously addicted to K2. He's just getting fucked up off it nonstop, having seizures. Ketamine too. That's what they call the Northern powerhouse. What? That's a reference for all of our Manchester listeners where K2 Spice is an enormous problem.

I think it's an enormous problem everywhere because Britain, I don't know, it's weird to see Canada. It's the second highest in the world. It's weird to see Canada doing something right the first time. But Canada's legalized weed, whereas Britain will never legalize weed because I don't even know. You don't even have like the crazy drug warship here. They just don't want to do it.

It is not cocaine. Yeah. The only effect of the new psychoactive substances thing has been to make every British city smell considerably weirder. I'm used to it just smelling of weed, but now Union Street just kind of smells like burning TVs. Damn, 2011 vibes. Yeah.

Also, it's just a quick side note before we do our kid who got killed in a car crash and then hit a tributary video is played at the prom review of that Hancock's campaign. Yeah. We always be in our hearts. Kind of thing. Wake me up. It won't wake up. Run me for leader.

I won't run. Mad Hancock. I wanted to take a moment. Wake me up and save me from this Brexit. Wake me up and make my doctor an app. Bring me my wife. Sorry, that would be Jeremy Hunt. Yeah.

Look, Matt Hancock is not someone who seems to be overly concerned about the state of his marriage. No, he's not a life guy. I know not at all. I imagine him having like a Bert and Ernie relationship with another man where it's like on the surface it looks gay, but it isn't gay at all. It's purely like a cohabiting friendship. It's just efficient.

It's a great way to learn about your body. Matt Hancock has had a flatmate for the last like 40 years and the flatmate has somehow tricked Matt Hancock and is saying, no, you just pay the rent. I just pay the council tax and utilities and that's fair because I pay two things and he's like, I'm getting a great deal here. His flatmate is like a guy called Chad. Yeah. Oh yeah.

He's like, he's basically the Brad Pitt character from True Romance. Did I ever tell you, Matt, you are a smoker bowler or something? He never does. Did I ever tell you that I went to university with a guy named Chad who wore a jumper with a big block ladder? It's where he went on his gap year. He loves Central Africa. Anyway, so you're telling me you didn't have a jumper that said Riley?

Come on. If someone wants to get me one, I will own it. It was named after the Riley podcast, the Riley to Riley director, Riley Reed podcast. Her new merchandise thing is just a shirt that just says Riley on it and other people can buy it. Riley is in quote marks. Yeah. Okay.

Note to whoever wants to do the shirt. Note to our shirt maker, please make that shirt. Also, it's very fun that the conservatives are all doing a full decriminalization of drugs for them and their friends, which is great. Can I interject? What in the fuck is wrong with people? They're like, oh, we should drug test MPs now. It's like Britain doesn't have the culture of drug testing for everything unlike America.

And when I saw that, I'm like, guys, are you for real? We've got to stop them from using performance enhancing substances. Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair. MPs running at 150 miles an hour. Look, look, if you have to ingenuitize that quickly and you have access to ayahuasca, no one else has a chance. Yeah, no, that's why there are no trans MPs. It's the same thing as the IAAF.

You can't have it because we'd be too good at it. If you're too powerful as MPs. Look, if she wants to compete as a male MP, that's fine. Okay, look, so a few months ago, Matt Hancock was interviewed by Alistair Campbell and he was asked a question about how meeting of the mines, how he would have reacted to Boris Johnson saying fuck business when he was told that business that Brexit would be bad for business. Matt Hancock responded.

It is totally unacceptable to use that sort of language around business. My beautiful son, business. Business is a delicate creature. It's to do with its uterus. It requires a delicate hand and touch. You must shelter it from these harsh facts of the world. Yeah, you can't swear near business because most businesses are actually minors. They're only a couple years old, especially the best ones.

Businesses should only be allowed out with a chaperone until they're married. Businesses are small beings who must have anxiety. I mean, this business be wearing dungareesio. God damn. God, I hate it when my business says oo-woo. It's, look, Britain's very sweet businesses need to be protected because Matt believes that they are not just the source of our many fine apps, a scooter service that will allow us to all get run over with greater speed,

a way to have emergency surgery, but to pay less for it with a medical student and the medical student also gives you a delivery. All of these things are enabled, baby. They includes a haircut, so you get a discount. You get a cookie and a latte. If your surgery includes a haircut, this is just another example of the 2019 mimicking things that came hundreds of years in the past. I guess in a way, a haircut is a kind of very non-invasive surgery.

See, meanwhile, I'm just thinking, well, just combine some dental care at it while you're at it, you know? Yeah, I'm already unconscious. Fuck around, you know. Yank some teeth out. Get me fucked up on ladenum. I don't care. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it's going to happen at some point.

I mean, they're going to lose my teeth in the grave or I'm going to lose them now. No. And to be fair, a cheap haircut and cheap surgery are both performed by a Turkish guy. But if we're rude to business, then people won't start businesses. They'll just sort of sit on the curb with their mouth completely open and stare directly at the sun. Oh, the Matt Hancock story.

Yeah. So we have to be nice to business. I'm photosynthesizing. We have to be nice to business so people start them. So they don't think that if they start a business, that people will make fun of them for being a business nerd. Yeah. I like the idea of like Matt Hancock is like overprotective boyfriend

and he thinks that business is his girlfriend. Yeah. You better not be saying that kind of shit to my girlfriend, Boris. Or we're going to have a problem. You better say sorry to my girlfriend. Okay. So Matt Hancock is a wife guy. It's just the wife is business.

Exactly. Gotcha. Okay. So here's how, look, the only real sort of ontological artifacts left by the Matt Hancock leadership campaign was the announcement speech. So we're going to go through this so we can remember the good times of the last few days. I didn't realize what I was missing.

You never realized it was too late. It was like a beautiful butterfly that was only alive for what, five days? Yeah. It was a Mayfly. It was... Damn it. Its brief, beautiful life was too good for this world. It seems to me to live your life like a business in the wind.

I love the idea that yes, it's a Mayfly because Matt Hancock of all the potential candidates for Tory leader is the one most likely to see a bright light and drive right into it. Oh yeah. Absolutely. You know, he would see a bright light and think that it's someone having a light bulb business idea. A really big business idea.

Yeah. And he'd be like, ah, I have to go make sure I nurture the business. So every house that has an open flame is just a fucking pile of dead man. He's doing all around. You know? It's a shame. Shame house. You gotta go check.

Just stopping Matt Hancock getting into the House of Cummins by erecting a series of bug zappers. So Matt Hancock. No, come on. Let's, let's, let's, I like the, um, I like the comparison that he is a Labrador that got turned into an MP by a witch. I want to stick with that one. He's an airbud sequel.

Yeah. Yeah. There's, there's nothing in the rules that says a dog, a dog can't represent West Suffolk. Yeah. Um, damn, that got us on the old rule book again. So he opens his speech. One in three people aged 30 are going to live to a hundred and get a message from future King George.

When future King George runs a biker gang and they are radiating wastes. I'm imagining like what the original version was one in three people are going to live to a hundred. Oh boy. I wonder what that is in dog years. Yeah. Imagine the amount of treats they'll get over that lifetime. No, not me.

My liver will collapse in 14 years. Two in three people under thirsty are going to get taken to the vet and get a special injection. No, two in three. It's heroin. Two in three people under the age of 30 are going to become organ farms for the other one third. They name them to live to a hundred and receive a special phone call from King George.

They still do that by the way. If you turn a hundred, you get a phone call from like the other world's oldest woman. You get a telegram. Yeah. It's all over the racism. Yeah. Which is weird because telegrams don't exist anymore. It's very appropriate for people aged a hundred who probably think they still do.

Anyway. So the Queen sends you a message on telegram. Weed, pills, Mandy, okay. Just the other kind of telegram. The Queen gets radicalized into Isis. Congrats on the big hundred. You may as well try. Right.

So this is how he starts his speech. It's very forward looking and very happy. He says, now I know there are problems that need to be fixed as we go forward with our journey. But in the parts of our life where we don't need politics to sort it out, problems are actually being solved. For example, millennials are more likely to start a business than any generation in history. Cool.

We've started a business and it's this. It's hell. This isn't a sign of a healthy economy. We have a podcast about how everything's terrible and we make a poverty wage from it. And we're on Matt Hancock statistics like why 2019 is great. What the fuck is wrong with the planet? Once a week we feature a business that is terrible in its own distinct dog shit way. Yeah.

We're a terrible business that like highlights how terrible all the other businesses are that are even worse than ours. If anything, we're against the business community. If anything, we're a negative business. We're like a business that's a bad influence. Bad Hancock doesn't want his nice businesses hanging around with our business. Damn, our business is like wearing a leather jacket and smoking a cigarette. I hate it when our business goes outside with a wallet chain and peer pressures to the other

businesses. Our business is wearing a leather jacket with a bag just says Riley with quotation marks. So old man Hancock telling his daughters in like a little bow peep costume, you don't go hanging around with those trash future boys. They're bad news. Trash future. Trash future boys basically sounds like the villains in a Bino cartoon. They all wear matching jackets with numbers one through four on them.

Instead of saying Riley, we can just have a cool bitchin' dragon on them or something like that. I'd rather have my name. They're all eating jam with a spoon out of a jar that has a gollywag on it. That would actually be kind of amazing if we're like the weird rockabilly street gang cartoon characters from the Bino's, but instead of having the cool dragon on our jackets, they just all say Riley. Nobody knows what their names are.

Awesome. Please, I would like that. I unironically want that. Okay. So, but also more likely to start a business than any other generation in history because there's no fucking money. There's no jobs. There are no jobs.

And the jobs that there are suck. So yes, this is a bad sign moron. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of funny because Milo and I are prime employment age. We don't have jobs. We work in a podcasting basement. And also we don't need politics to sort it out. For example, the number of jobs there are, that's not politics.

Actually, you'll find that's, that's a fact of how good we are. If you measure our moral worth as a society, we have that many jobs. Yeah, but it's my Hancock. So it's not moral worth. It's inspiration. It's how inspired we are. Gotcha. I forgot.

Yep. You're right, Alice. Gosh, I've recently heard about this thing called Fitspiration. And I'm hoping to kind of inspire the economy. On jobs. He hasn't heard of Fitspiration yet and he's going to and he's going to say something like that. Oh, can you please, at like, he quits politics and he does like a sort of like Craig David

180 and start and just becomes like a Fitspiration Insta guy where it's just like at the gym. It's just that Hancock absolutely would be a Taibo instructor. I mean, let's be real. Jack Hancock, when? But train dirty. Eat clean. No, he carries on. We got so much of this to get through.

We got to, we got to keep it skippy. What's that skippy? Shut up. But when it comes to understanding me, Matt Hancock, I don't think it's so much the back story that matters. For me, it's the front story that matters. That sounds sexual in like a point to the doll where you got got touched kind of thing. Story is barone sanitation.

Yeah. Listen, there may be a party in the back, but there's most certainly a business in the front. What I think happened is he forgot is he either forgot or decided not to use the word future. That's just, you could have just said, no, front story, parallelism at any cost. Labrador mindset. I mean, I hate to sound like a reductive, but front story sounds like the thing that would appear in an anime and like a subtitle that was just really badly translated.

Yes. Well, remember, he's a Labrador. He's doing his best. What if Matt Hancock really liked anime? Again, I think he would find out about it. I think that that was somehow the secret to the Japanese car manufacturing skill and then try to like put it in every hospital up and down the country because don't forget just because he's no longer a leadership candidate doesn't mean he's not DHSC minister.

So he does Hancock agandam. Listen, the NHS needs to go Super Saiyan. Again, like based on how you joke, but based on how he sees the world and that it's just about focusing hard and being together with your friends that you can be inspired, that sort of is how he believes like the society produces wealth. Well, I mean, Matt Hancock will be the first to tell you that all you have to do to solve society's problems is to find the weird old man looking child in the hospital and get him to detonate a nuclear bomb on New York Tokyo.

All right. You do that. Problems are solved. Makira Hancock. I recently had this cool new song lyric. All my friends are dead. Push me to the edge. And what I've realized is that when you and all of your friends are together and you're

pushed to the very edge, well, that's where innovation happens. It's, he says, the front story is about the future. I'm an optimist about the future. I'm excited about what it holds. I believe the world's getting better. I'm an optimist because I believe in people. I love people. Labradoodle.

Absolutely. That, that sounds, that sounds like a really like, like a guy at the Nuremberg trials, really pulling his collar going like, boy, I couldn't possibly have done this. I'd, I'd, I'd love people. I'm an optimist. I would never have done that. We were just trying to make synthetic rubber. I don't understand.

Other, other side of the aisle, but Eric Mielka, the former head of the Stasi, the only time he was ever pushed to apologize for anything right at the fall of the, the Berlin wall. He said, but I love everyone. This is, yeah, this, it doesn't matter what you're saying. This is the kind of thing you're saying when you're reaching, you've forgotten your notes, your hand, the writing in your hand is smudged. I love Popple. Exactly.

So yeah, again, Labradoodle, a pure, if you were to translate several barks from a Labradoodle, this is what they would say. He said, he said people accidentally, but what the smudge note on his hand actually said was I love popcorn, which is what Matt Hancock meant. I'm an optimist. I love popcorn. I'm also an optimist because I look at the facts. I look at the world around me and I think.

How can you be an optimist if you're looking at the facts? Have you looked at the facts recently, Matt? They're fucking shit. I don't want to spoil it for you, but the facts are not great. You know, years ago, I remember seeing a comedian and he was describing driving his son around when he was four years old and his son was looking out the window of the back seat of the car and laughing and smiling and talking, kind of like laughing to himself. And he's like, he looks back at him.

He's like, what are you thinking about? And he's like, handy. And that's what comes to mind when I think of Matt Hancock. Matt Hancock giggles to himself when he thinks about popcorn. Here's the thing. You didn't let me get all the way through the sentence. Sorry. That happens a lot.

I was jesting. I was japing. I got carried away. I'm also an optimist because I look at the facts. I look at the world around me and I think, wow. Just a wow. Twice Owen Wilson now. Wow.

It's a vibe. Wow. Just a girl blowing a huge cloud of vape smoke. I look at the world around me and I go, wow. Well, that's what the guy is. You can't be the health minister with me. You're newlyweds. That's crazy.

He does. He does look at the world around him and think, wow, because every time he sees a building of more than four stories, he's like, how'd they get it all up there? He's such a strong dental anesthetic energy. I love him. When they were building the fourth floor, where were the other floors? You think they started with the top of the building and built down? Yeah.

It's like, he actually will one day try to dig up. His example is, right now you're less likely to die in a war than at any time in human history. My God. I can't think of being like... I can't say that it rounds music out here. It's like, disclaimer, unless you live in the following places. Yeah.

You're less likely to die in a war because the technology with which war has fought means that very few civilians on, say, the imperial side are going to be dying. Bless. We blaze right through that and then everybody dies, but that kind of throws off his numbers. That does. Yeah. That's such a different scenario. It can only happen once.

Yeah. You're much less likely to die in a war unless they're throwing very sharp rocks and the kites and they're all tied to the fence. Yeah. IDF guy getting really angry. It's very dangerous. So, yeah, you're less likely to die in a war because most wars are just bombing campaigns conducted by remote controlled drones that are making it basically impossible to get

married or congregate in a group of three in a number of countries around the world that's only set to go up. He says, there's this huge massive revolution driven by technology that's changing everything. And I sometimes feel like this conservative leadership debate is completely focused on the here and now. I feel like if it was the 1840s and we had a Tory leadership race, the Tory leadership race is often a bit like if it was the 1840s, it's a bit like if this was the 1840s and we had a Tory leadership race and they were all banging on about the Corn Laws.

Well, the Industrial Revolution was fundamentally changing the lives of every person in the country. Isn't that what they fucking did? Isn't that the Corn Laws was the thing that was like the big deciding issue of the 1840s. Some of them still are banging on about the Corn Laws. But also the Corn Laws was like the repeal of the Corn Laws was like genuinely really important. It wasn't like that was like a pointless concern in the 1840s.

The Corn Laws was like stabbing people to death. How is your counterfactual a thing that happened? That's like going, look, a lot of people right now, they're talking about social housing. That's old news. Why aren't we talking about Bitcoin? You just understand. That is the key to understanding the Matt Hancock mindset because he's saying, look, in the 1840s, the new thing was factories.

Grain? Grain had been around for thousands of years. So we should have stopped focusing on grain, which is old and focused on factories, which are new. You can eat coal now. He thinks that politics is like fashion and once you get a new thing, all of the old things become irrelevant until they like sort of come back around again. So like the fact that there's a housing crisis, oh now because there's like a technology thing,

no one needs houses anymore. That's how it works. Absolutely. So in effect, yeah, he wants to stop focusing on the things people need to live because they're exciting blockchain businesses to encourage. I know I say this often, I really wish I had his brain. You would be so much happier. He's so happy.

Yeah, he does seem happy, doesn't he? We must imagine Matt Hancock happy, as Sartre said. That's the most poignant moment we've ever had on this show, was just us having ripped the piss out of him for like 25 minutes, just all going, yeah, he does seem a lot happier than all of us actually, to be fair. Imagine what it'd be like to be happy. No. Something we'll never know.

No. I, Matt Hancock, know the mantra of Silicon Valley is to move fast and break things, which will say my motto as a Labrador. No. In true Matt Hancock style, he gives himself a parallel motto, which is move fast and make things happen. Damn. Got him.

That actually sounds like the brain thought pattern of a Labrador in motion with chasing after a ball. Move fast, move fast, move fast, make things happen, make things happen. Yeah. So move and also breaking is the thing that happens. That's not contained within that subset. No, that's a set of things. Well, I mean, when you do parkour and you're Matt Hancock and you're like in your 40s,

moving fast and breaking things is part of the plan. Yes, absolutely. So he says that mantra, but things that really matter are starting to break. Like our sense of national community, the self-esteem of children. Boris Johnson has been going around talking smack to children. Boris Johnson bullies all the school children in Britain. He's going around effortlessly thrashing children at rugby. Exactly.

Yeah. That was my favorite. Yes, he did. He threw a Japanese child out of the way. That was actually very anime. The Japanese child flying through the air as Boris Johnson charges forward. Boris Johnson, in that scenario, was a kaiju. I just love the idea that Boris Johnson, wherever he goes, he just creates the conditions to

make Fist of the North Star a real thing. I don't get that reference. Yeah, that's fine. There will be like five people listening to this show who like anime. Yeah, we had Sartre and then Fist of the North Star, so we're covering all our bases. Yeah. That was the sound of Dungaree's tensioning. So he says, further, the next thing, the self-esteem of children, the possibility of

civilized debate. Damn, I hate it when the possibility of civilized debate is broken. What a normal thing to say. My machine broke. This is literally the meme I made today of like, do you remember the old meme format with like, there's one door with no one standing outside it and there's one door with like a queue around the street and I made it so above the door with no one standing by it. It said like civilized debate and over the other door it said free dildos.

Yeah, and I was just like sad but true. You know what? This is the Britain that Matt Hancock sees us becoming if we allow ourselves to be coarsened under Boris Johnson or succumb to the ideology that of non-business perhaps worse under Jeremy Corbyn. Gosh, why give away free dildos when you could be selling those? That could be a great entrepreneurial thing for Britain. Yeah, but its business is about people. We'll get into that actually.

What, dildos? No. Not dildos necessarily. Finally, our sense of relevance and meaning and belonging in a world of algorithms and machines. The alienation of man and late capitalism confronted by Matt Hancock. It's like trying to fix the Chernobyl like power plant computer thing with a big spanner made of chocolate. It's like. He also writes about like modern technology in a very kind of like HG Wells kind of way.

Like, oh, the machines. Mankind is now subordinated to the dervishes. Do you think he even knows what an algorithm actually is? No, it's numbers. It's numbers in math and it makes things and it helps you pick a movie or a pizza. Exactly. It's just, it's weird. It's a kind of dance.

I think I could only have a fondness for Matt Hancock because I never paid attention to what he actually said. And I only got my information about him as interpreted by Trash Future, the show that I'm on. But you reading his actual words allowed to me. I'm just like, the charm has worn off. No, if anything, it has been burnished for me. Because I can only imagine like Matt Hancock staring, staring into the void and just putting one hand over his eyes. I'm like, oh, that's a dark void. You see this dark void?

Wow. So much opportunity in this voice. So much opportunity in the void. He's probably having the Mr. Burns with the giant fake wax muscles moment. Yeah. He looks, Matt Hancock looks at a dark void like an estate agent looks at a dank cellar and is like, oh, look at this. Fantastic aspect. Perfect for podcasting.

You could get 18 Romanians in it. In the place of all those good things, the self esteem of children, the sense of national community, the possibility of civilized debate, our sense of relevance, meaning and belonging. They're being replaced by the threat of automation, poor mental health. Not by automation, but just the threat of it. Yeah. Do you get a brick through your window with just automation written on it? You get it like a phone call, the IRA voice that's like, we'll get an automated job. Angry ideologies, clashing on social media, dividing communities and unpicking the fabric of the nation.

Damn, I hate it when people unpick the fabric of my nation. Unpick? Unpick. Yeah. What the fuck does that even mean? If you reply to Matt Hancock by either spoonerizing his name or with the like pig poop balls gift, it unpicks another thread in the fabric of the nation. And eventually England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales will become four separate countries. Well, the thing is that that's important because, you know, Penelope has been weaving the thread of the nation, but she promised that when she finished doing it, she would marry one of the suitors.

But by night, she unpicks the nation so that she never has to marry one of them because she believes that one day Odysseus will return. Sorry, we were talking about Matt Hancock. I'm just laughing about the idea that, you know, you have the spool of what was once a great nation completely unpicked until it's fallen to pieces. It's just thread on the floor and upon that pile is written Hat Mancock. Now that's a hat I would wear. And while liberal ideas defeated both... It was originally helmet mancock, but they changed it out of silence. And while liberal ideas defeated both fascism and communism in the last century.

Well... The ideas. They stormed the beaches with books and arguments. And the kids just screwed on D-Day. Yeah. There's like an alternative universe where like Matt Hancock was like the opposite of Lord Haw-Haw, like being played in Germany, like just advancing ideas. Like, gosh, what if we all just got along and opened a business? And Nazi Germany gave up.

They're like, we will never compete with this. That is the liberal idea. That's the only liberal idea that at him and by extension his wing of the Tory party, the pro-business moderate Tories, that's the only idea they seem to have is what if we did more businesses? Yeah. And that's the idea that defeated fascism was you can make an app for anything. Spotify Premium defeated fascism. And communism.

And communism also. Yeah. Both ideas. At no point was any material force involved. No, absolutely not. It didn't happen. No. It was delivery.

It was once everyone saw that the D-Day landings was a delivery. It was a very big order. Yeah. It's once everyone saw that you would eventually get delivery under this system, the others just naturally collapsed. Well, I mean, they were just inferior. The delivery was, you know, it was based on weight and not by what you ordered. You know, people would be carrying around these hundred kilogram sacks of dinner. I mean, this couldn't happen.

It wasn't going to work. Who could forget Band of Burger Brothers? One of the best series. So I refuse to be the leader offering simplistic or populist solutions to such profound changes. Solutions to change. Very good, Matt. Fire your speech writer. Instead, I offer an emotionally charged platform to improve lives that is rooted, rooted and objective facts.

Are we feeling emotionally charged? Wow. Is he a logic guy? No, he's not. That's just weird then. I mean, like, okay, what facts is he talking about? It's not that he's a logic guy. It's that he is a charming simpleton.

If anything, we've proved that he isn't. So for example, one of his objective facts are you can get a pizza really fast or any movie you want is available on demand. Have you seen The Expendables? Awesome. It's got all the stars. You start to see why in the middle ages. His mum doesn't let him watch that. It's too mature.

You start to see why people tolerated oafs. You just had like a village oaf. Gosh. I've just watched this fantastic new film called Leelone Stitch. You should check it out. Just jingling around the village. We conservatives have always been at our best when we are driven by optimistic liberal values. Again, but what about the surges of support that the conservative party has enjoyed following, say, the speeches of Enoch Powell or the flyers that quote,

if you want a colored person for your neighbor, vote, vote labor, vote conservative if you're already burdened with one. What about that is optimistic and liberal? I mean, liberal in the sense that property is supreme. Yeah. They were like, hey, especially when that property is human beings in the Caribbean. That's true. The conservative party were like, you should, you should vote labor and get a more interesting neighbor. That's what we're saying.

Fair play to them. They do give you more interesting neighbors. We'll give them that. Jesus Christ. Hey, look, there is actually a real shortage of donor blood in this country. So if the rivers were actually made of blood in a lot of ways, that would help us out, especially if it were positive. I mean, look, let's be perfectly honest here. I mean, everyone deserves to have their turn at the whip hand.

All right. Sometimes it's going to be a white person. Sometimes it's going to be a black person, but everyone gets their turn and that's what we believe in the society. Oh my goodness. Enoch Powell 2K19 rebooted by Matt Hancock. Matt Hancock. I think legitimately doesn't know that the conservative party ever overtly aligned itself with these kinds of things instead of what it does now, which is covertly align

itself with them. I think he genuinely thinks it's just always been a party about startups. Gosh, what's the Mao Mao? Is that a startup? Jesus Christ. Yes. Crazy. This business counts for the Mao Mao to help them with their start.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, you know, like the, the, the mail is just wanted to do business and the communist didn't want to let them. So we just figured, Hey, you know, if the communists all have their own villages that we force them to live in with barbed wire around them, then they can do their own business. Look, I've checked into this and I'm pretty sure that a concentration camp is a sort of camp where you get together and you concentrate. It's a bit like an incubator. We should have more of them. Get this right.

Get this right. He says with energy and ideas and vision, and we can yet again be at the vanguard, a model for others to follow and turn the next decade into the soaring twenties for the people of Britain. Oh, yes. The twenties. A great reference. Famously good decade. Yeah.

We want to echo that one. Nothing bad happened in the twenties. Yes. Just, just around him. Yeah. Our 1920s trash future podcast is just most of us got killed in the great war. The twenties is when you could just be an unqualified surgeon who was on ether the whole time, giving women backstreet abortions. I believe in people.

I'm a pro business politician because backing business is about backing people. What is a business? But people coming together to create solutions from one another's problems and solving them so well they're prepared to pay you for the effort. And that's a polycule. People coming together to create solutions to other people's problems. And if you don't create solutions to those problems, you'll starve. And no one's obligated to create any solutions to your problems unless they can profit off of you and put you closer to starvation yourself. I want to be able to see business this way.

I want to be able to see society in the way he sees it. Yeah. But you just pay the business because you're happy at how well they're solving your problem. I mean, I was thinking about this because I mean, on one hand, we could make the argument that we are a business. You know, we run a podcast. People pay us for a bonus content. We rent a studio. We just guys that get together and solve our problems.

But everything about our existence is contingent on something that could be taken away at any moment. Because if Patreon's new investor that's Jared Kushner's brother decides to just fuck everyone, close the platform or change things to the point where we can't make money, no business. If this place, they lose their sweetheart lease from the NHS and they can't fucking rent it out anymore, then we have to actually pay real London real estate prices. Business is fucked. And it's one of those things where it's like, we don't have a problem with commerce. It's nice to be able to do things, you know, it's nice to work for yourself. But when you control zero of like the major aspects of it, if all that is contingent on chance, if all it is contingent on, you know, well, as long as no disasters happen, I might be able to make enough money to survive. That doesn't really put a lot of confidence in things.

And in Britain, it just seems to me that, I mean, there's this big thing that's kind of threatening business in the sense that they want to, businesses typically want to invest. And they're sort of like, are we going to be investing in things that are suddenly going to be at huge markups because of fucking tariffs? You guys just like you want to do racism so badly that you fucking put yourself on the worst trading terms in the world. And this podcast actually a workers cooperative. Well, actually, that's the thing like Matt Hancock is describing is a workers cooperative. It's people getting together to solve common problems. But he's describing point one percent of the economy as though it is as though it is basically the whole economy. Because again, he's a labradoodle and he just sees these things being groups of friends getting together and hanging out.

Yeah, he learned about businesses and what a business is from podcasts. In many ways, a business is just sniffing each other's butts. Yeah, it's what it is. The Foxconn factory is just a group of friends that has a lot of depressed people in it. But I think about this though. I mean, there's a part of me that in seriousness, you know, doing this where like the amount of money that we make, we invest in things, we buy more gear, you know, we do stuff to like make the show better. It is kind of weird when you watch like, oh, wow, like we actually make money that's not, it's not my personal money.

It's money that we've earned and we spend it. Like you can see how business has a sort of generative aspect, how commerce is a generative aspect. But it's like to look at the current state of this country and be like, oh, we just need more commerce. We just need more capitalism. That'll fix our problems. Like you have to be completely, you have to be either, you know, a portfolio holder who stands to benefit greatly from this or be completely out of your depth. National podcasting service.

If you've only ever seen business because it's just like you've given weird like algorithmically generated speeches at business conferences, but you've never actually done anything involved in business. This is the kind of perspective you have. That's precisely it. He's a business enthusiast. Yeah. Well, Matt Hancock has that like naive energy that is like the most fundamental thing of being British of just thinking that like everything will be fine. Like I was talking to a man of mine the other night.

He's actually a remain guy, but he was advancing the opinion to me that like, well, probably if we have a no deal Brexit, nothing will really change. And I'm like, no, it will be Mad Max. And he's like, no, but why would it be? And I'm like, well, because like literally every regulation and import law and like a deal that we currently have would literally overnight just cease to exist. So of course, it'll be Mad Max for at least a month. Like nothing is crossing the border for like at least three days because no one knows what the fuck the rule would be for bringing it into like, but people are just like, oh, it's Britain. It'll be fine. Like that's not how it works.

It's going to be fucking mental. This is the problem. When you have, when you are coming off of a globe bestriding empire, you basically kept, you've basically done like what? One more line of empire sort of early on with the fight with finance capitalism. Wrapping up a line of empire. And now you're starting to come down and the bag is empty. You don't fully understand the hangover that's about to hit you. We know nothing about this.

Of course. It was a bag of herbs and spices. Parody, parody. So he concludes the speech. In the 2020s, we'll win the case for capitalism offering higher pay with the conservatives, not higher taxes under labor. Some people say we'll need a famous face, but after all the bitterness and ranker of the past few years, we've got to move forward. I'm fed up with the ranker. Damn, he's Luke Skywalker.

The only way you can do the job is if you know your heart and what the values are that you're fighting for. Be yourself and have fun. Homeward bound four starring Matt Hancock. And I know with every fiber of my being that our beloved country needs a leader not just for now, but for the future. And I am ready. So let's move forward together. How does he not win? Incredible.

Why could he have won? That is the most. He legitimately bummed that he's out. I'm crying openly. I am actually legitimately bummed. I wanted more of this. I wanted Matt Hancock to color in his vision of what the world could be. But very literally in a book with crayons.

It's the vision I had of the world when I was nine. And I want to go back to that. And I want him to take me back to make me feel like I was nine again. He's never grappled with like the concept of, you know, when you're like nine or 10, you realize everyone's going to die. He never realized that. He's feeling proper shit just wanting back. Matt Hancock has never even learned long division. Like he's still on addition.

He just thinks it all keeps adding. Yeah. Nothing can be taken away. That's how it works. Just gets bigger. We're going to get this guy who just does racist poetry slams. Yeah. He is the best of them because the others, the others are all evil.

Whereas like, like Torey's exists on a spectrum of the ranges from like full evil to full incompetent. And Matt Hancock is just full incompetent. Like there's not, there's not an evil bone in his body. He just like doesn't, he doesn't understand anything. That's why he's a Torey. Can a dog be evil? Can a dog truly be evil? There's no such thing as a bad dog.

Only bad owners. If Matt Hancock. Yeah. If Matt, no, we, the labor party needs to adopt Matt Hancock and begin to socialize him back into real society. Owners of dangerous breeds such as Matt Hancock's. But that's the thing, right? Like Matt Hancock's out.

So, you know, Torey leadership race sucks again and Boris is going to win. When he wins and the conservative MPs, they're telling everybody in the entire country, except for like them and their close friends, that they don't matter. And that they and their close friends get to do whatever it is that they want. This was trash for each of you. Yeah, but like they're also telling like the Muslim women is their place to be society's punching bags and like LGBT people that their rights just aren't as important. And they're just telling more and more people that they're impoverished because they suck

and just accept your fate and hurry up and die. Because this is the world that we, the conservative party, are making for ourselves. Like, you can feel the contempt that they have for basically everyone. Like when they lit up the Palace of Westminster green to pay respects to the residents of Grenfell, when most of them are still unhoused and there's a family still living in a hotel. The color of the smoke coming off that cladding. I was saying that they should have covered it with the same cladding as a cost saving measure.

So, you know, saying the houses of parliament on fire. It's also kind of amazing because that's the man got guided. Like, what could be a more fitting trippy? I mean, also something I point out too is, you know, the whole story, like I dug into this because I was arguing with somebody with a friend of mine about this and I didn't realize that one of the aspects, I mean, I knew about them picking the non fire retardant cladding for Grenfell just because it was cheaper, but they only wound up saving like 5,000 pounds.

And the reason why this happened was because the borough of Kensington and Chelsea opted to create a like housing maintenance corporation that would then basically, so they could, they could privatize all of the maintenance and social housing in the borough. And so that corporation and its board of directors made the decision or whomever their officer was for that made the decision. They're like, oh yeah, save 5,000 pounds. And then now... The name of Rock Fielding Mellon who in the aftermath of the fire went down to like a

totally home in the West country. Amazing. Yeah. Just Matt Hancock making that decision like, gosh, well, I was going to put on this fire cladding, but it says here that it's retardant. That can't be good. I'm just going to, I'm going to slide into Riley's comedy book club mode for a second, which is that like, if you understand what, what commodity fetishism is, well, commodity

fetishism is a lot of things, but one of the things it does... Subscribe to my private snap. Is it obscures all the relationships that go into making something. So when you look at a mango, you just see a mango and it just has a certain value and you just exchange money, which you don't really think of as representing your labor for the value of that mango. It's the other kind of fetishism, the boring kind. Yes, the other kind of, the boring kind.

And so with, but it's, and you don't really understand or it's obscured behind the fact that you're just purchasing a mango that the value of that mango has been determined by the amount of work that went into it and much of that work being exploitative and compulsory and a little abusive. And so when we say there's no ethical consumption under capitalism, what we mean is in making a purchase, you're enabling that chain to happen because, but you just see yourself as buying a mango and that's the power of the commodity is you see the mango rather than the exploitation.

And so when you privatize the maintenance of a tower block, what you're essentially doing is you are creating a fetish and this fetish in this case rather than being a commodity is something like fiscal predissitude or whatever around essentially putting the lives of these real people at risk. And what the pro, as much as we say Matt Hancock is a lovable Labrador, I mean all he's doing is this same thing where is he is just creating a much happier, not commodity necessarily, but the same fetishized like budgetary report or whatever around the cheapening of the lives of everybody.

So he sucks and it's good that he's gone, but at least he was more fun than Boris and mangoes are fucking canceled. But this is what the Conservative Party was intended to do. It's what it always did. When the Industrial Revolution, it was the Conservative Party that was keeping, that was trying to make sure children stayed at looms and it was also the Conservative Party that was trying. The children aren't in the looms anymore.

Where are they? That's what happened to the fabric of society. That's how it got unpicked. This small children weren't weaving it anymore, right? So, but that's what they're going to do. Your children aren't weaving. They're becoming trans. And so, of course, what they're going to do is they are going to continue to remake society

in this venal, cruel and stupid image and tell most of us that we fundamentally don't matter and we should just die because our lives aren't worth anything. Damn, you just fucking killed the Labrador, Riley. You just smote him. Oh, yeah. Yeah, old Yeller died, but you didn't have to kill this cute one. It was so hard. It came so far, but in the end, it didn't even matter.

I bummed myself out again. Do you want to talk about Thinkspot? Sure. Yeah. Do you want to hit the Thinkspot? Damn. Are you going to touch my Thinkspot, Riley? I'm ready to go to the Ideas.

I'm ready to go to the... The Thinkspot. Does it exist or is it an anatomical myth? No, I'm ready to go to the Downstairs Ideas store to get my Thinkspot stimulated. Pay a 50-pound tip. Is that a secret back room at Burgine? So, Thinkspot. Thinkspot.

We got to get through this Thinkspot stuff. Who wants to get their Thinkspot touched? Think of my Thinkspot, Riley. Thinkspot is described in its own website as a collaborative community where individuals can explore and exchange ideas in a thoughtful and respectful manner. Racist Mensa. The platform is an intellectual playground for censorship-free discourse. Damn.

So, finally, finally, the world can hear your opinions on aephebethelia, the most rational kind of aephebethelia to have. Racist Mensa. Just more racist than actual Mensa somehow. Basically, all the math problems you have to do to get in are just like, if you have seven gollywogs and Sally has 15, how come she has a gollywog? She has to give them to you as your husband. You're the head of the household.

Yeah, it's basically a Twitter-patreon combination created by Jordan Peterson because he's pretty sure that his posts are getting suppressed. It's one of my favorite things. When someone takes so seriously the idea that their terrible posts are getting made fun of and not getting very many likes because of some grand tech company conspiracy, that they invest a ton of their own money into starting up a new business, that gets me every time. So good.

So, how it actually works is, yeah, it's actually not a Twitter clone, it's a Reddit clone with a Patreon function built in. Peterson said that freedom was, quote, the central aspect, saying, once you're on our platform, we won't take you down unless we're ordered to by a U.S. court of law. We won't take you down unless we have to. A U.S. court of law only. You said it was one of your favorite things and all I could think of was the Christmas song except it's like racist Canadians playing with string.

These are a few of my favorite things. That's Stefan Molyneux. I'm just obsessed with like... Jordan Peterson's also kind of racist as a Canadian. But I think Stefan, Jordan Peterson doesn't play with string. Jordan Peterson doesn't play with anything. He works with ideas, whereas Stefan Molyneux does a cat's cradle and is like, let's see if anyone from Africa do this.

You don't understand the string on as many levels as he does. Yeah, you don't appreciate it. I'm just imagining like this content platform that's governed by the law of the sea. Jeffrey Epstein is like, finally. Waiting for something to invest in. We're in desperate need for a platform that doesn't arbitrarily decide to throw people off because of random crowd mentality. Random.

I hate it when my racism gets censored. Yeah, not fair. That's the other thing. It's not censorship. It's either it's doing actual... When Twitter does take someone off for hate speech, which is like a percent of the time that they do it for calling a blue tick a bitch. Yeah, it's rare and it's almost...

Invariably, it's done only after... It's either done because the right wing brigades people or it's done after a massive outcry and they're always dragging their heels about it. If Graham Linehan goes after a celebrity, he's finished. But then... So everyone, follow Alice. We have to get Alice famous enough that she can finally get Graham Linehan thrown up Twitter. I'm never going to be hot enough to be a Monroe Bogdorff, but the posts will be much better.

Graham Linehan just like finally completely loses it and ends up getting taken off Twitter for insisting that Ellen DeGeneres is a boy. So, yeah, don't... Remember, Milo, we can always tell... Podcast reality bending powers. This is going to happen now. Was that Yomagrath the crime dog? No, it's something that Terps always say.

It's something that Terps always say before then saying a cisgender woman is clearly trans because she has a short haircut. Classic, yeah. I hate it when that happens. Yeah, so now I'm interested in the idea of McGrath the crime dog except it's going around like investigating whether or not people are trans. Yeah, McTurf the drug dog. It's honey and McGrath the crime dog.

Oh, fun. The situation's like, these need to pull their pants down. Just to make sure. Oh, Lord. So, here's what I find most interesting about ThinkSpot. McGrath the look at your Hulk. That's a reach. That's what he's doing.

That's a reach and a half there, yoga master Milo. So, here is how moderation works. The minimum comment length is 50 words. Cursed. So, you're going to have to put thought into it, Peterson said. So, basically a sentence and then the n-word 47 times. Screw Flanders. They all think being verbose is the same thing as being smart

and it's going to be like that forever. Well, it's the look. We talk about how this right like to Tanya McGrath is is not a funny character. Most she like Andrew Doyle has basically one joke and he just sort of stretches it into article length multiple different times and you know his boomer friends clap like a herd of trained seals. So, they're not being funny but they think because no one's laughing at them that everyone must be triggered and so they have to have their own safe space

where they're going to be able to post short essays about like you know skull shape or whatever so that people won't get triggered by their terrible opinions. And what always strikes me is that there are a lot of people making comedy that is talked about as extremely problematic like it's always sunny in Philadelphia cast for example, that is was for most of its life genuinely very funny and this is just a group of people who are now starting business basically or starting businesses around their shared social value of jerking each other off. I mean if Matt Hancock wants to look at a business...

Oh, it's the Dory party. Yeah, if Matt Hancock wants to... And we circle back to Dildos. Yeah, if Matt Hancock wants to look at a business that started by a bunch of people because they share some core value in common. Look no further than Thinkspot because it has the commercial viability of a rotting squid. They always talk about like we're going to go off and start our own club because they've done this similarly with what Haterion and like even Gab to some extent.

This is just Gab. And this stuff always winds up failing because they complain. Because people end up announcing mass shoe things on it. But you have to have 50 words or more. Yeah, guys, we're going to release the location close to the time of the event but if you click attending that would really support us. It facilitates the production of long manifestos so people think through their mass shootings. Oh, it's the printing press.

So to close this out, I've got this reading that I've been sitting on for a while. I'm really excited about it. I'm excited to share it with all of you. It's from The Spectator, a newspaper of note. The paper of record. It's one of these places actually where far right-wing voices can't get published to a national audience, which is what makes stuff like think spot necessary. Otherwise, you know, you'd need papers like The Spectator, which don't exist.

Anyway, but the article is there are two kinds of spectator articles. There's one kind where it's like in praise of the Wehrmacht, an article they actually wrote. And then the other one is my wife and I hate each other. Exactly. Yeah. There are two kinds of articles. This is very much the second kind of article. Oh, good.

Now, there's also a third kind, which is like my wife and I hate each other and also black people. But we bond over our hatred of black people. So it was written by Cressida Connolly. No, it wasn't. That's a busy town ass name right there. It is. In fact, the widow of A.A. Gill, the former Alphonterebe of British food journalism before Giles Corrin. A.A. Gill is who Giles Corrin is trying to be.

Yeah. Who actually met A.A. Gill once. He was a very nice man. Very dense earth. Very funny. Riley's name drop corner. Ultra TV's with A.A. Milton, very different guy. A.A. Drill.

Cressida Connolly writes, the upsides of dementia, forgetfulness can be a blessing. Of course. Amazing. And I love how it opens. Dementia gets a lot of flak. Dementia cancels. Dementia gets a lot of flak, but it has its advantages. That damn Alzheimer's UK and their ACAC guns.

And these advantages are not inconsiderable. At a time of life when moving around can be difficult, little things can entertain you and then entertain you again. Like jangling keys. And again. A friend's mother. The other thing is that you can just like watch the whole of Game of Thrones every day because you've like forgotten it exists. Yes. Just being disappointed every day.

No, that's the thing. Yes. Like you've done the thing where by making a joke, you've accidentally predicted one of the major premises of the article. Oh, good. Oh, wow. Wait, so this is a woman who's clearly had a full frontal lobotomy. Who's suggesting that what would really be good would be to have dementia. Because people with dementia are forgetful, but they're not this stupid.

A friend's mother adored racing. So one year he recorded the derby for her and she watched it every afternoon, never knowing what horse would win. Imagine thinking that's good. And not like the most. I literally thought you were about to say a friend's mother adored racism. Well, probably. That too. Yeah.

She got to forget that they'd taken the gollywogs off the gem. That's what painted gollywogs and everything in our house. Jesus, that's so fucking grim. That's like something they'd put in a thing for a charity where for only two pounds a day, you can get something else on her TV. No, but that's the... She gets addicted to real ass horse. Apparently. She makes the dementia go away.

She just loves it. She loves watching the same horse race. Again, I can't help but sort of be reminded a little bit of the of the Matt Hancock enthusiasm for business generally that you just get from going to business conferences. It's the same sort of just loving to see the same thing again and again. Never really inventing anything. Kind of just being happy, watching the world go by again with your mouth open staring directly at the sun. My grandmother has dementia and she loves this Amstrad emailer phone. She is.

It's called her dead relatives. When you get old enough, you just turn into a laboratory. Yeah. When you get old enough, you become Matt Hancock and you get made a cab. It's coming for all of us then. We don't have to be jealous of him because someday we'll all be that happy. Exactly. Old quarrels are forgotten.

My father-in-law spent the past 50 years being cross with my saintly husband. Hates my wife articles. With whom he was in a farming partnership. Now he's all sweetness and light. He was livid when we proposed a few years ago. They were business partners, but they also hated each other. That's a Tory thing. Okay.

I hate your new husband, but as a Tory father, I must enter into business with him. That's an Amadeo plot line. Wait, hang on a second. Didn't she say that they were in a farming business together? Yes, her father-in-law. Her husband was A.A. Gill, the food critic. He had a side hustle in farms. Apparently.

He had a whole bill. Yeah. So that's the thing. That's the great thing about dementia. It's the only thing that will stop you hating everyone in your life and in your family. Also, that is so untrue because my father's father was a real piece of shit. And it always hated my mother. And then he got really bad dementia.

And the only thing he clearly remembered was how much he hated my mother. That was one of the few things he hung on to. Even to the point where he couldn't really remember what day of the week it was. The fact that my mother was a bitch. Oh boy, did he remember that. The ultimate life mode of the author of or subject of a spectator article is, I'm a swivel-eyed psychopath who hates everyone I've ever met. I pray for the sweet release of a lobotomy or dementia or death.

I wish it was the 50s when my husband could just lobotomize me for hysteria when I found out about his mistress. For the adult children of dementia sufferers too, the condition offers lots of perks. My large adult sons will benefit. For one, you don't have to feel guilty if you don't go and see your parents all the time. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. These people are literally lizards from the moon, aren't they? They're literally like, What morality is this human constructed to make them weak? What if you make your grandmother unaware that you have not visited? Then is it not the same as having visited? This is the worst elder abuse since Mike Gravel's twist. Far from drumming their fingers, waiting for the family to phone or visit,

the Demented seemed perfectly happy just sitting in the chair. The Demented. A sequel to the Demented. They're just sitting in a chair looking at the wall. This is the highest. They've achieved Buddha nature. This is the highest to which the spectator person can aspire for their life to be. It's actually blackpilled.

They have lost all worldly attachments. If this article was Matt Hancock, it would be give the Demented ayahuasca. Having the retentive capacity of a goldfish means they will lose track of time. Wait, she actually says of a goldfish. Yes, she does. Incredible. A micro visit is just as good as an hour or two. When I went to visit an elderly friend who'd lost her marbles,

her face went up on the side of me. As I brought her a new packet of marbles. Aren't you a bit old for marbles, I said? And then she went and put that packet of marbles in the fridge with dozens of other packets of marbles. As huge boxes of ham lay rotting on the mantelpiece. And I thought, this is bliss. Her face lit up at the side of me.

I was so pleased. But pretty soon she stood up and said, well, that was nice, signalling that our time was over. I've been with her for fewer than three minutes. If you're right for the spectator, even a person with dementia is just like, fuck off after three minutes. She knew how long it had been. She just didn't like you.

Pretending to have dementia so that you're annoying spectator writing children, don't visit you. Some dementia sufferers experience vivid hallucinations. An old boy I was very fond of confided in me that he was having the most marvellous time because wherever he went, he was attended by a large retinue of comely Turkish women. That is the most spectator ass hallucination. Like, how much Lordenham do you have to have taken over the course of your life? That is going to be Rory Stewart.

I'm attended to by a valid and sort of a eunuch. Can I say, incidentally, that I just love Rory Pasha and I hope he wins now that Matt Hancock is out. Oh, man. Rory, Rory Stewart is like the most Dumbledore's army, motherfucker. He just says that he is just going to get beaten to shit by Boris Johnson. When he was like, well, if Boris Johnson tries to do a no-deal Brexit, we'll hold our own parliament across the street.

We're going to build our own treehouse and you can't come. It's like, fuck off, you're an adult. You used to be in the army. What the fuck? You walked across Afghanistan. Did they not murder you because they felt sorry for you? What the fuck, honestly? Look, I'm going to stop my own Taliban and you guys can't come.

This guy has a brain made of fucking soup. Not the good kind. Also, the cumbly Turkish women thing, the highest thing you could hope for your life is you always walk around with a rock hard erection because you're hallucinating a belly dancer. And you can do this already. You don't have to be noisy. You can just do drugs.

Oh, my God. That's a child's coronas go right there. I love going to this Turkish restaurant in Kentish town because of all the cumbly women that work there. Maybe they, look, now that Matt Hancock's out, he's shown us what we can aspire to. And what we can aspire to is to try to have the brain of a Labrador before nature gives us the brain of a Labrador

when we still have the bodies to enjoy it. Matt Hancock's gone to the big brainstorming session in the sky. I think that that'll about do it for us today, though. Here at Trash Future Farms. Love to operate a farming partnership. Pepperidge Farm no longer remembers because it's got dementia. We're all going to lobotomize ourselves, so we too can be as happy as Matt Hancock.

Pretty usual. We have a Patreon. You can subscribe to it. $5 a month. You get a second episode every week of our silliness. If you've got dementia, subscribe to it every five minutes. Don't let anything stop you. It helps us out.

Also announcing a new live date. We are going to Birmingham Transformed on the 8th of August. So come to that. Come to Birmingham Transformed. Come see us. It starts on the 9th, but we're doing the opening event. Opening event on the evening of the 8th. Sort of similar to Bristol Transformed.

And also don't forget on the 10th of August, Trash Future Live at the Fringe. We've already sold seven tickets for that. That's going pretty well. There's like 60 spaces, so get buying them. One of the 10% tickets sold. Dang, tickets. Exactly.

Well for an event. Also t-shirts, the new Trash Future t-shirts. We have tweeted about this. I think it was in the episode notes last time. We haven't officially announced it. If you would like our new Trash Future t-shirts, which say what if your phone was the cops on the back, please send an email to trashushipodcast.com with your size and address

and whether or not you're a Patreon subscriber and we'll send you a payment link. They're £20 plus postage for regular listeners and £15 plus postage for Patreon subscribers. So if you want to get a shirt and you want to subscribe to the Patreon, do both now. Matt Hancock, this is a business idea that was inspired by you. From us in Trash Future Studios, thanks for listening

and whatever drink you have in your hand, pour a little out for our boy.