TRASHFUTURE - Starmpocalypse Now

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

We managed to cobble together the entire cast in order to discuss three important things: first, Silicon Valley has reinvented the bus yet again. Next, Labour is simply falling apart, and their solution is: flag and troops. Finally, Toby Young wants to be a lord. Join all five of us as we do psychic damage to one another engaging with this. If you want access to our Patreon bonus episodes and powerful Discord server, sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture We support the London Renters Union, which helps people defeat their slumlords and avoid eviction. If you want to support them as well, you can here: https://londonrentersunion.org/donate Here's a central location to donate to bail funds across the US to help people held under America's utterly inhumane system: https://bailproject.org/?form=donate If you want shirts, you can order them on our new web storefront! Get it here: https://www.trashfuture.co.uk/shop *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind GYDS dot com). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/     Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and Alice (@AliceAvizandum)  

Folks I was very sad to hear about the death of Captain Tom Captain Tom You know him the captain people the journalists they would come to me and they would say they would say mr. President will you support the captain and I would always say yes I do he's a very old friend of mine very very old the scientists actually they don't know quite how old he is people They don't tell you that but they don't they don't know that they can't tell you exactly how old but they're sure that he was born Before they invented the telephone. He's over 200 years old and he would be there walking around in circles walking around in support of the of the starving children walking around in his little garden there and

He's led a great life the captain Tom Tommy Tommy because he invented a beautiful cereal Remember the cereal the captain Tom cereal. I remember Don Jr. When he was that small he used to eat it new to always say you say dad papa can have some more Can I have some more captain Tom and I would always say I'm not sure Donnie you're getting a little bit Get a little bit chunky there Donnie maybe lay off the captain Tom, but it's very delicious cereal You can get it in any Trump resort you can because in those days you could As a sea captain you could create you could make cereal and you were allowed to do that But these days they don't let you do it anymore. They say the cereal they say it's too wet

This is too wet the cereal they say you can't do too wet and I say but it's cereal It's supposed to be wet and they say that's but you were talking here about water not milk not milk There's no milk could see they say you can't sail on milk, but I have and I do actually a lot. I do a lot anyway Captain crunch was the greatest golf caddy. I ever had and we'll all miss him a lot. Thank you I Move moving words from a politician who whose departure we also Mourn we do in a different way. Oh My well

Welcome to trash future where we are saying rip to a guy who walked up and down his garden for a while I think mr. Mr. Former president you paid him a beautiful tribute And I mean he he got he got to go to Barbados and catch the novel coronavirus which was his fondest dream Mm-hmm. I've got some things in the Caribbean. I can tell you but I won't talk about that here Thank you, mr. President. You're still it's great. It's great to be here British Airways did this whole thing about like we mourn the loss of captain Tom, and it's like bitch you flew him there It reminds me of like, you know when RBJ RB. Yeah, RBG died Yeah, and it turned out that she had gone to a wedding like

It was like wouldn't it be wouldn't it be epic and bacon if she officiated our wedding and then she died It's very funny to think of the epic bacon people being RBG guys now Well, they're all like that your wedding your wedding was absolutely epic and now we have Janine Agnes on the Supreme Court Yeah, she's still carrying that Bible in there She just drives in in her giant Bible Yeah, so look hey, we got a lot of get to get through today And I was thinking it'd be fun if we talked about a little startup Okay, and SU a classic start it up an SU. Yeah, we're starting it up

Gentlemen ladies and pink papers start your up The startup is called hip. Hmm. It is called does it does it? Infect captain Tom with the novel coronavirus killing him Would be a good place to get the novel coronavirus. So it's a restroom No, it's not a restaurant. It does involve an enclosed space. Although like all of these It's actually as a service like the least useful Refinement you could make it involves an enclosed space Is it I learned how to be specific from Bill Clinton in the 90s. Is it like?

Like a Changing room where someone gives you like dressing advice Uh-huh, I'm thinking about the hip thing enclosed space Personal shopper, but you have to be in a cubicle with them. So like you say it's like a bathroom cop, but for changing Basically, yeah, it's a bathroom the bathroom fashion police We don't care what gender you are, but sir those cargo shorts are very last season What season was cargo shorts in? I don't know not this one Here's okay, I'm just gonna be hip doesn't tell you very much. I'm gonna give you a little more

The future of work has come to your company again I was so sick of the future of work coming to my company every week when we do this segment Are you concerned that the future of work might come to our company? I'm very concerned I'm gonna be replaced with the Chinese dick sucking robot It's gonna be replaced with Chinese rooms None of us can talk to each other. It's a podcast where we just say things and just hope they correspond to all the people I want to know what you think the future of work has come to your company. Yeah, my is it Are they like funky hoodies that also work as a way of like surveilling you there is a surveillance element

Of course, there's a surveillance element Well, of course, why wouldn't yeah, that's why I'm thinking like okay. Well, is it just yeah Is it just kind of like supreme hoodies that have like microphones and Bluetooth connected? Is it gonna be like literally hip does it relate to the human hip as a body part? Oh my god, is it is it like a pay is it like a page of it tells you like if you're so it's out on the toilet for too long No, that would be very funny, but no, it's called a Fitbit I was thinking because when you first said hip and I assume this is an American company The first thing that came to mind for me was HIPAA the like patient privacy act stuff

And I thought so is I also thought hip like hipster clothes But then also yeah, so is it like a thing that you basically get your company gets like medical screenings Like you can summon a doctor with an app. You can summon something, but it's not a doctor Is it can you summon the Canadian band the tragically hip? Is it is it bells above? So I'm gonna I'm just gonna jump right in here. I'm gonna tell you what's up because this is this goes back to a classic TF observation about Silicon Valley startups Our mission hip was founded at one basic principle the way we commute is outdated and unreliable number one

That's not a principle. That's an observation get it right Number two the global pandemic has offered us an opportunity to rethink how where and when we work Whatever the answer to these questions. We're here to help workers get there What are these problatunities that you hear so much about? Exactly and so they're saying the future of work has come to your company We're building the future of commuting to get your people there with a bus Regular wheeled It's got really a bus or is it like a slug line thing like they have in DC where it's like unofficial carpooling or is it actually a bus?

It is okay, so basically here's what they say it is an easy to implement shuttle solution So you could just replace all of us. Okay, so I'm gonna replace that with bus It is a bus designed to provide safe reliable rides to work attract and retain top talent and provide measurable returns on attract and retain top talent why because they can't leave the bus It's like it's like the film speed Below 50 miles an hour it explodes so you have to stay on the bus Try joining another company, but you'll have to jump out the back of the bus and take your chances Is this like uber for people who have buses and vans?

Is this like if you don't have enough money coming in when you've done the $1,500 a month van rental startup You can use your van to become a bus Part-time so what it is is it's for companies to offer shuttle services to for to and from work because they don't want their workers using public transport You can have a Yeah, I got it Google money Because one of the things that a lot of companies do outside of Silicon Valley is that like if they for example Are located in a not super attractive location That's easy to get to like if public transit goes there, but it doesn't go right up to like walking distance

They'll do bus services already, you know from the train station or whatever to their offices So this is already kind of baked in and like the premium white people jobs tiered America So you're basically saying this is just that but it's sort of app Covid-ified yeah, it's making it it's making it a it's being sold as like a covid solution like top talent doesn't want to Be in the office. Yeah, somehow they can't they they can't work from home because I don't know you make an ice cream Juicero, so you need them there You're back to work partner. Oh boy Where the commute is a key barrier to reopening work sites safely our technology platform gives you the tools to plan and manage and our

Service options give you the total flexibility to scale your shuttle programs. So basically what this is all about is let's get people back into work And let's do it by making public transport a disease-ridden lower-class Everyone the corona Let's and then let's have like corporate provided elite forms of public transport that you can't get on if you don't work for the company So you can then go to the office and fucking cough on each other all day because as we all know the coronavirus Definitely will not enter offices unless it's invited Who's driving the bus the novel coronavirus? That's correct. Yes. Yeah, all the buses will be driven by captain Tom. Yeah, that's right

It's captain Tom coming back as like ghost rider Memorial program every bus driver in Britain will now be forced to don a full-body captain Tom's They they must be they it's captain Tom becomes the honorific for For British bus drivers. Also, we're gonna name it We're gonna take the city of Brighton, which has had it too good for too long and rename it captain Tom That's right. I'd be in favor of that. She Brighton sucks But anyway, so um, yeah, so that basically what I think is very funny is just That what they have done essentially is they've said hey

What if we had instead of public transport for everyone that's well-funded and clean and safe and stuff? What if we made a second tier of public transport that was specifically funded by companies to get their workers to and from work? And we put that tier above the public tier Because it's a top structure. Yeah, it would be like that like a second tier. We could have a two-tier service What do you think about that? What if we fragmented public transport infrastructure and instead created lots of private mini infrastructure? This is like Elon Musk shit basically like what if we dug another subway underneath the existing subway, but it was Resident of Glasgow city, which has 97 bus companies none of which interact with each other

I can tell you the more bus companies you have doing their thing the better it really adds to the like spice of life and the variety Nobody leaves until we find out what bus can't That's right. And so basically like it's the platform manager that also has the service providers You can connect with service providers Then they get like white labels and stuff. So like if you're a service provider, right? You have to like rebrand your bus like a hip bus So it's like it's like a y-o in that way. Oh, it's the company that destroys All of those hideous different but distinct corporate bus liveries just turning into plain white bus is gonna be

Both every bus looks like the secure mental institution It's almost depressing like that's how grim this is is that it might make me nostalgic for first bus I'm just I'm just trying to figure out what it means when it says attract top talent because this sort of seems like it's like Well, because they can sell you on like you should come and work for us because we have a luxury bus Right. So like rather rather than having to kind of like walk 20 to 30 minutes or take a series of other buses to get to your shitty job Yeah, we could have logos on them as opposed to just being white, right? Also, this is America like it might in like almost outside of like New York and Chicago

Basically, everyone drives everywhere anyway because Baskas public transport everywhere all sucks, right? Yeah Well, that's why the that's why the companies offer these shuttle buses To make sure no one develops any public transport in that It's kept as like a lower-tier residualized service The thing about it is in San Francisco is that people want to live in San Francisco with the city But the big jobs a lot of them are outside The bus to its campus. Yeah, so basically if you have the money and you can live in San Francisco And you want to like be there you the way that they attract people to come work for them

One of the ways is that like you don't have to you know Take San Francisco's relatively unreliable public transit to get to Palo Alto And then suddenly be in fucking Palo Alto or Mountain View or whatever and not be able you because then you're at the station And you can't fucking get to the campus which is not next to the train station So they started doing these things were fucking sucks. Yeah, we're sort of like reverse Like your normal commute public transit of bringing you into the city center like this is the reverse direction But now they're basically just taking that model and be like what if we did this any in other places? so that you never have to worry about

Taking the subway in New York or path or Long Island Railroad or fucking Metro north or anything or like the T in Boston or stuff like that because I mean there are cities in America with Relatively functional and reliable public transit. I mean like weirdly or one of the places that has a decent elevated train is Miami for example But like they're not reliable enough pretty much anywhere and especially outside of New York Really outside of New York City There's not a lot of places where you can legitimately not have a car And so I don't know what the what the angle here is like if they're selling this just for California Or if like they're trying to do it in places like Chicago. Oh, everywhere

But I mean as Milo said it doesn't really make sense to do it because I mean like yes, there's an there's a light rail in Charlotte, North Carolina There's a light rail in st. Louis, Missouri like they're relatively new they exist But like very few people are able to live where you can keep like have a job That's close enough to one station and a place to live close to another station where it makes sense to be their sole method You're saying that a startup that we're doing as a segment on this show doesn't make economic sense Because right now they mostly work in New York in New Jersey Oh, God it got it got it got it got it got it got it. So here's a really no show

I also said that there was There were some elements that were relating to surveillance Because if you have the platform the hip like commute management platform You'll know when your employees buy tickets and then also they have to buy tickets for the corporate provided Different things are available like it's one of these platforms You can make them charge tickets if you charge for tickets if you want Platforms don't determine what the employer does with it like you can set a price if you want you can not set a price Okay, but on the on the most basic level this is from tech crunch the hip platform connects companies to bus and shuttle providers

Offering route planning and has a contract tracing tool to help companies track COVID-19 Companies can also use the platform to set vehicle capacity control sure and add health and consent We won't use the contact tracing thing for anything else I say as we watch Amazon change the timing of red lights and in a town where the warehouse is trying to unionize Mm-hmm. Wait what? Changing the timing of traffic lights so that people have to stop and like like

I think it's either to disrupt them from running into one another outside of work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm not No, no, I'm not saying ours is making it up I'm just trying to get my head around like what what the what the game is there. I mean Amazon evil company They're absolutely doing this or evil reasons. I fully I'm fully behind that I just I'm confused as to like what the point I think the idea is they have like not quite a picket line But they'll have union supporters and union organizers Stand by the side of the road on the way in trying to talk to people and so what they've done is just oops

No more red lights. So now you can't do that. You have to drive past them Mm-hmm. And who is just let Amazon do city government? I mean, yes I mean city governments basically like well if Amazon leaves then everyone loses their jobs So I guess we'll have to let them take over control of the traffic lights. Mm-hmm. Yeah That seems very normal I love how just like everything Amazon does is just like Lex Luthor shit at this point Like you will surrender control of the traffic system to me Because if you don't economic insecurity will surely following trying to do the Italian job to a town in Alabama as a bit is

Anyway, so yeah, I think that's that's very interesting One of these yeah, it's perfectly balanced over the edge of a cliff I've got a brilliant idea. I'm gonna move on. I'm gonna move on a little bit I'm you know, I have some headlines about the Labor Party. Oh good Sweet I made I made like a news resolution not to talk about the labor parties. So I'm in a very Interesting predicament right you just boycott this like the Soviets and the That's right Anything who's saying talks about is about the Australian Labor Party. I need similarly you this Labor Party is

Only Labor Party. I recognize is the only Labor Party that masses which is child bath Respect the Irish Labor Party who have like one seat but did manage to snag the Twitter at labor like with a you So the shadow Chancellor has recently declared that labor is pro-business Well, the shadow Chancellor has defended labor stance on business and insisted it does want to work with the business community Shadow Chancellor, sorry, that's so that's a headline from 2015. Sorry. Sorry wrong headline. That's from six years ago Let me just do the headline from this year. So, um, this is this is it from a speech from the labor leader I stand here ret today ready to lead a new generation now leading labor be in no doubt The new generation of labor is different with different attitudes different ideas different ways of shit. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry

I knew you were doing you were doing a bit because that was actually Starm like it's not a good speech by any means, but it's also more declarative than anything he's ever said So, yes, that's right. That's right. I found the one from this is though. This is the one from 2021 Sorry, everybody. I'll get it right this time. So Syracuse Starmer will seek to reset his faltering leadership This is a head Sun of Times headline that pledged to make labor part the labor party unashamedly pro-business on this Getting it wrong. Yeah, I kept getting it wrong those previous times Business shaming before this we were shamedly pro-business. We would do you do some pro-business, but we would feel bad about it Yeah, we were in the closet for our pro-business tendencies

Hold our hand in public. No, I'm just like that's right. We had internalized anti-business We know that the way to win back Redwall voters is by letting Amazon change the traffic lights in Like all of Newcastle, that's right Yeah, so well, that's the point right the labor party is called the labor party because it's for people who love working That's right. I love to go to work. They love to go to their job They love having bosses and making their bosses happy. I was thinking about this today because It was something about like Kier Starmer talking about the labor party should be unashamedly pro-business And I was like, what does this remind me of and it took me a minute of thinking

What does this remind me of and I'm like Matt Hancock's Tory leadership campaign Because this is my one of my favorite things that has ever happened Which is when there was some like Boris Johnson was reported as having in some private meeting when people brought up the effects of Brexit on business To have said fuck business and some reporters put this to Matt Hancock during his leadership campaign and he's he's like Well, I don't think that's any way to talk about business What I say is fuck fuck business Big-on sporting business Like Matt Hancock does not know what

Forgot he ran for leader too. That was God and the thing is with that campaign. He won the leadership as I recall Now he's leader and the hearts of the nation Absolutely because Vasquez Boris Johnson knows how to neck This is this is just basically this has been a week now I know we we have a thing where we try not to talk about the British labor party too much Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it sucks and it's stupid. It's a busted flush and you shouldn't care about it However, it's a what has happened this week is a number of just extremely funny things have come out of the labor party in the Labor Party Leader's office. Can we can we summarize them broadly as lurching right wood?

For no reason We are we are well, I think the real reason is that this is a right-wing party controlled by right-wing people and they are You know exercising their politics like that's the reason However, I think that the reason we're going to talk about these today is that um All of what they have said in the last week is extremely funny And really sort of brings to mind a party that absolutely knows why it is in politics And what it is there to do other than just you know Act as the left side of the ratchet to the right that keeps anything from you know getting materially better

Fucking awesome. I mean it reminds me a bit. I think of a conversation that rather you and I had recently when we talked about the What we thought at the time of the later labor leadership election Which was that broadly all of the candidates kind of sucked starma was obviously going to win And but we both thought that like if starma won there would be like a rightward shift in the politics Which has happened But we also thought that at the very least that would come with a commensurate general like Slickness of delivery in a kind of Blairite vein like okay, the politics would start to suck But at least it would be like effective media management

You know like starma would like play well with the media. He'd know what he was doing It would all be like very slick and well organized and like that just hasn't fucking happened Like that was corbin's weakness and he is worse at it than corbin Like he's just it is like if you put fucking corbin and david Cameron in the machine from the fly and combined all of their most incompetent aspects to produce the kind of like Ham robot shit of david Cameron and most of his politics And then that kind of like dithering awkwardness of corbin and starmasters are going well I think actually I would like to agree with the prime minister first of all

Whilst also saying that I agree So he's he is essentially you really is your your impression of starma. I figured out what it is. Okay, it is Uh, it is allen partridge at three-quarter scale It's a double It's yeah, I mean, I it's genuinely it's like When you elect someone who looks like an easter island statue is You at least expect him to have like an imposing foreboding voice, but he talks like allen partridge too You have a fucking nerd statue

So um anyway, so this is this is that the pro business thing is just like the most recent one and like You can talk about what pro business means. The fact is it's not very well defined what it actually means We can kind of like he said he doesn't want to go back to austerity and Whatever i'm not trying to like read the tea leaves or do like south sideology to figure out like what's going on here But what is very clear is that he's just sort of like allowing himself to be led by focus grouping And no no place is that more evident than in the report that just got the consultancy report that labor is commissioned that just got released You remember you remember about six months ago when that uh like labor think tank came out with

Why don't we just do faith flag and family or something like that and then all of us clowned on it and then Immediately forgot about it because we stopped caring about the labor party. I know what labor party voters love marshal peter They love the movie the pads of glory. Literally though. They literally copied the travi patry fermi thing, right? That was the that was the thing and then we all clowned on said, ah, you're doing from the left fucking awesome, dude You know, this is this is the result is This is now culminated in uh, kia starmer is gonna fuck a flag the completion on stage So, uh, I have uh, I have just come here on my scooter from having sex with my mattress

And I would like to say that Labor offers a Progressive foreign policy solution, which is we have to re-occupy Algeria So, uh, here's fucking right. Here's some of the stuff from the report. Oh, yeah, that's that reminds me I want to go to a fucking labor party Focus group and be like I will never forgive them for the Corbin era until they reoccupy Algeria Until oh fuck We've got to do it. We've got to reoccupy Algeria. Okay. Stelma ties himself to the polisario front and the people of western

Yeah, so this is this is only coming up because we were talking about um, Jim inhoff from the u.s. How he has the politics of a bog standard like bush era republican, but also is super supportive of the polisario front But we we could totally get starver like just if a few listeners of tf end up in a focus group for labor Just yeah, like really like make sort of like north african sort of One of the things is that one of the things that's really funny about it for me at least is that periodically you will encounter For example, like tori politicians like tori lords who are really really Anti-occupation of the west bank and settlements and stuff like that like there is a strangely like they're they're sort of they support palestinian landlords

I Yeah, I may not like Arabs, but their landlords just the same But no, I just what I'm trying to say here though is that you'll that'll you'll have that happen Like the weird the like you just described bog standard tori in this case But who has like an oddly progressive or at least center left view on some particular issue And it's just weird because the starmer and starmers people from what I can tell Like they don't have that they just have Blairite policies terrible delivery and then every third one seems to be a huge turf and have like a really intensely right wing position

Like i'm not saying the tories are better. I'm just saying it's bizarre to me that Like Not a one like they're not they're not even willing to go out on a limb for any particular issue It's all like this weirdly cagey focus group shit that makes no sense And I mean you might get to this Riley, but one of the things about the focus groups It's hilarious is they keep budding up against the problem that the focus groups are so fucking Drowned in the brain poison of british media that they're like, but we want boris to win We want boris to do well

We'd like boris and it's unfair for you to criticize him because that's just not being nice to him Like the default setting in british politics based on the way the media is working in this country is like Actually, the tories are good people and it's really rude of you to say they're doing something wrong as they kill your grandma Yeah, like the way you have to deal with tory policy making is like you're talking to someone's five-year-old who's done you a drawing Like you're not allowed to say it's bad because that's mean you have to acknowledge first and foremost that they're doing their best While offering some very very light critique to the drawing um Because it's almost like if you're going to have a focus group based politics as an opposition party

In a country that has not elected you what your focus group is going to tell you Is that they like the other party? I don't get I don't get what that's supposed to do other than basically try to make late but try to drag labor into some positions It doesn't really have to be To beat the left of your own party with yeah, which is true But also it's like okay fifth focus group if you want to focus group focus group policy alternatives But don't just be like like don't try to focus Think Boris Johnson is doing on a scale of eight to ten

Um, I'm yeah, you know, well, I've got a few uh things from this report. Again. It's like a branding agency That didn't oh no, because that's what they're doing. They're they're they're they're on back onto branding agencies So, you know, they're made of racist swoosh Among the top recommendations is this I'm sure we've all seen this our american listeners might find this fun The use of the flag veterans and dressing smartly at war memorials the use of veterans Absolutely, I love to dress smartly at a war memorial That's so fucking revealing too because aside from the thing about Corbin like wearing a slightly different jacket While Boris Johnson was rocking up still visibly drunk is like this is still such a psychic wound from the papers

Monstering Neil Kinnock of all people for supposedly wearing a donkey jacket to the cenotaph And after they had they just they took pictures of him on the beach and then he fell over and split his pants I was just gonna say yeah, and this new version of labor party. We no longer will be falling on the beach That was a part of branding that we realized was wrong No labor leader will be falling in the sea ever again. The good people at McKinsey have told us not to do that So I love the idea that they they focus group the labor leaders that have succeeded versus failed And they've determined that the solution here was just get someone with impeccable hair Because clearly both Corbin and Kinnock were suffering from some degree of male pattern baldness and they're like

Well, the British people don't want that they need excellent hair And so they got a guy with great hair who has no personality This is one of the arguments that was made when Ed Miliband was elected, right? It was the idea that like his brother David Miliband looked More like looked cleaner by which they meant that like he Didn't like have like a nice like a nasally voice and like had kind of pristine hair and stuff But there wasn't really sort of any argument genuine other than that And it's just I don't know it's just sort of been this malaise from like

That for like all that from the moment like I kind of became interested in politics, which was after the 2010 election To now like this is sort of always been Like the labor psychosis. Hmm. I distinctly remember back in the day when he was for our minister I distinctly remember Uh more than one article comparing David Miliband to Obama And if that doesn't tell you something about how fucking insane this country is I don't know what will look I think the who's saying the thing you identify that the the labor disease is And I think it's especially true with like the focus group version of the party

Is that it always feels like it has to apologize to everyone like I know you'd rather vote Tory And we're not saying you're a bad person if you do vote Tory But we really would appreciate it if you'd vote for us because we think we might be able to do a few things Not better than the Tories, but we could try a few alternatives. It's so apologetic It's like a christian aid leaflet you get through the door once a year like we know you we know you don't really want to vote for us But like why not give it a go like honestly if you vote for us just once we won't send you another letter for like two years I promise So they say that all of these things the use of the flag the use of veterans

And dressing smartly at the war memorial will give voters a sense of sense of authentic values alignment So I turn to Nate Do you feel uh good about giving the listeners of tf a sense of authentic values alignment? And how good do you feel about it on a scale of one to ten? Uh, I feel as though it would be very hilarious if the tf listeners based their expectations of The politics of veterans and what veterans want from politicians on me. It would be worse than Homer designing his own car uh, I feel as though because um

The the fact of the matter is and you know fair play to the British veteran leftists I've met who are very cool people They are rarer Than leftist american veterans My impression of the british armed forces is that everyone is fucking insane And that when you get out of the british armed forces you are absolutely To use a uh an expression. I hear periodically a mad cunt like you are just Like the level of right-wingedness of the british armed forces is such that like I just don't think that trying to trot out veterans

Is going to do much for the labor party They will like detonate a vest beside a labor leader Well, yeah, like like what's the guy they always lose there? They're completely blowing their wad about dan jarvis who was like a british, uh, army paratrooper And like he's a completely wooden politician who's on the right of the party. He participated in the chicken coup He voted, you know, he tried to uh, he supported oan smith Like he's never done anything of note as a politician. He's like, I don't know He's a labor politician from somewhere in the south southwest. I think and everyone's like, oh make him labor leader like he

He's less charismatic Than hear starmer. It's just fascism, right? Like the the troops are gonna sort this one out with military precision Yeah, the lawyer couldn't do it with forensic cross-examination. So maybe the troops need to do it tactically and you know Yeah, and let me let me let me be honest with you too. Like We are going to be leading labor party focus group You sir, what would you like the labor party to do louder? Say it so the queen can hear you Sorry, Nate, please go on Well, no, I'm just laughing because that's very very good

I tm blisters may have heard the story that I had a british army, uh, color sergeant as my the The first sergeant of my infantry training course. He was on loan basically from the british army So at the first formation, we basically got yelled at like that. I was just like, what? I don't even fucking understand this guy He was too mad for the british army like gave him to the americans Well, no, and I've told the story on the stream I think before but like that we were on a machine gun range and that I um the machine gun I was firing fucked up and I was trying to fix it

It was like a live fire thing and when I took a knee and I guess because I had raised my head Above the parapet as I was trying to fix the machine gun. I suddenly hear are you bulletproof, sir? and uh Yeah, so I've heard that voice before but I mean no the point the point being here, uh I just don't see if you think that you can trot out veterans and that's going to swing this particular demographic What can you really offer that in terms of jingoism and flag fucking that the tories aren't doing already? And when you look at the general the sort of let's say I don't want to say all veterans

But like the way that veterans stuff in the uk tends to be are we thinking at the same time about the t-shirt That just said bloody sunday. No apology. No surrender Yeah, yeah, when you think about that shit or you think about the guys But like that marine a uh, like any number of like Activism against historical prosecutions for war crimes in northern ireland Are you name it? Yeah, I got I got because of one of my my relatives here in england is uh Is a british army veteran I got invited to a closed facebook group called the million veterans march and it was all about end vexatious

prosecutions like What I think about the guys the the the security detail from the british army in afghanistan who were shooting at pictures of Corbin at a training range in cobble, you know, they were from the parachute regiment. I mean, that's let's be clear Yeah, so dan dan jarvis's boys and you know, it's one of those things where it's like I just don't see If you want to talk about you know, we're gonna do things better for military and veterans We're going to because I mean everyone I know who was enlisted in the british army has stories about being put in like Damp barracks full of fucking asbestos like that kind of thing the stuff that's going to materially improve better How do you expect to face down the enemy if you cannot face down a bit of damp asbestos?

We're also putting asylum seekers in them now, which is fucking great because we had we're treating them like the trail Come out and say oh, well why are they can play it's good enough for our boys To to fucking like inhale these fucking wads of asbestos Yeah To answer your question Riley the point I'm making here is that if you're going to lead with veterans and lead with things They're going to make interior material improvements in the lives of veterans in active active military But like if just veteran status is the thing that's going to signify Professionalism you think to your voters like the tories already do that and they do it a million times better

And you know what like they had a british army officer a veteran of the war in iraq Fucking run for tory leader and everyone just basically called them a knots and laughed them off because they wanted borce johnson like What do you know? It's all for show like don't don't fall for the sun trap and the fucking daily express trap don't be stupid But it's the labor party. Yeah Be stupid who cares I was gonna say yeah be stupid who cares it's the labor party It's also like worth noting that I feel like we need to sort of investigate the british relationship

To the troops and the fact that like while they venerate certain troops they fucking hate other ones, right? Oh, yeah, it's and it's way more like Sort of vicarious right because like Okay, very few people in the us per population will have been in the middle of it's even lower in the uk like basically You know, you don't know that many people on average who are in the military. It's a very insular organization Yeah, I think also says like I don't know. I feel like you know from my I went to a school which Um, like venerated like world war II world war II troops like a lot because of like alumni who fought in the wars and everything

Um, I was gonna say like I had a story at the beginning about how I got like a week's worth of the tensions because I wore the wrong blazer to be To the to the remembrance memorial Um, I borrowed it of jeremy It was a gore text blazer I wore the navy blue blazer rather than no I wore the black blazer rather than the navy blue blazer that I was supposed to and I got a week's worth of detentions for Disrespecting the troops. So there you go. Um, yeah, so, uh, but I think it's also just like I don't know There's this tendency in this country where lots of people seem to think that they are in fact world war II troops

Yes, they're still like so they like so they like partaking in the rituals that make them feel like They're world war II troops and I think you know what it is. Yeah, this is a stealing valor ass country This is a country where nobody has ever actually been in the military, but everybody lies about it Yeah, yeah Well, something that I've heard a lot about from people is that if you go to communities where there's a higher rate of military service like More people more young people on average join the military than you know, like say in the north in scotland in In places that you know, probably correspond to in parts of wales like that correspond to the sort of You know the red wall and whatever these feet that the true labor voters

They think they're gonna win back Yeah, yeah, like a lot of them fucking hate labor because of the iraq war Because of no, no, we don't understand. They don't hate it because of the iraq war They hate it because they didn't have enough flags at the time of the iraq war Like legitimately legitimately I can't tell you how many people I know who can miss in the north who said That people would tell them that because of blare and the iraq war they would never vote labor Like they're like we we won't we haven't voted in any election since then because we were so disgusted by it Yeah, and and the labor right keep telling us that like no blare won elections

They're we're the ones who know how to win elections and in nothing about what happened after that Because that just sort of didn't Happen it's like it's like crossing a bridge and then laying a bunch of Dynamite on it detonating it and then calling yourself an expert at bridge crossing You can do that once It's like I think that there's a big there's a big problem. I was having a conversation with I haven't made a used to work for the labor party who's like not like to the left of starma But to the right of me. I think it would be fair to say and uh, and he's often a bit of an apologist for like the way

The labor party does things but we had an interesting conversation about how like The labor party has refused to learn lessons both of blarism and of Corbinism like from any direction. It's not like they've refused to learn just the left wing lessons They've refused to learn any lessons whatsoever and like the idea that they always like the kind of the matte forward type people try out This thing like oh, well Tony blows anyone has ever won an election It's like yeah, remind me how he did like, you know in the last one like like, you know I mean it's like people like like they're immune to the idea that the public's opinion of Tony Blair can have changed since Like but Tony Blair is so fucking unpopular with the British public

Like he is still an obstacle to labor winning elections now because people remember Tony Blair Yeah, they remember there was polling there was polling about uh, Tony Blair recently where it was 60 disapprove 20 Percent approve and if you dial down into the crosstabs of the polls the only uh demographic that was Approving of Tony Blair were ages like 40 Andrew Adonis in different disguises. Yeah, yeah They just did they just did Tammany Hall rules on Andrew Adonis the only Majority positive view of Tony Blair is like guys who wear a regimental watch band, but like weren't in the military So no, I'm dead serious. They they drilled down. It was it was Gen X men in greater London who vote Lib Dem

Harry's around a challenge coin Yeah, I'm not a D ream challenge coin I think the kind of like constant the trusting around of Tony Blair is also interesting as like a phenomena because It kind of like actually gets to the heart of like what the Kirsteimer problem is because like I don't know my thinking my very Charitable thinking about Kirsteimer is about like I don't think he's technically really done anything wrong per se like Anything right? Well, he hasn't really done anything But even the stuff that he has sort of done or said like it hasn't necessarily been like outrageous or it hasn't really been

kind of like really Objectionable like, you know, there certainly wasn't contained right well I think I think beyond the stuff that we could have again We expect a right-wing labor to do like purge the left all that stuff, right? I think but like even despite kind of saying all the supposed like right things, right? I'm just like with with air quotes here like you're still looking at polls which are kind of like labor 34 minus 2 Tory is like 42 plus 4 despite the fact that you have like

Still like a really I don't know what like the death from the coronavirus death rate is today But like, you know, when you hit the 100,000 mark and you still got like The Tory is just killing their own base and still polling higher as a So the kind of like reminder so the kind of like trotting out Tony Blair is an interesting one because you know If there's anything we also know about Tony Blair It's the idea that like they had to like the 1997 labor government had to basically concede on everything to Like win the elect like to like win an election, right? um

You know, they had to kind of concede on so many things. So when Tony Blair is brought out like my thinking is very much like, okay So the only way that you think that you're party that you care about so much that you Like are cheering on kind of a purge of anyone that might threaten it The only way that you think that it's going to win is through Even more concessions than the last time like there's kind of so there's even like a lack of yeah so there's even kind of like a real lack of faith among the kind of Few starmer zealots that there are right

Imagine being a starmer zealot by the way So but moving it on just a little bit here a few more and also by the way who said I think you point that out, right? A few things to note about that. Number one, it is like that is an improvement in performance And I think like that's not down to anything about here starver I think that's down to like the fact that the papers are no longer saying that he's going to give the country to hezbollah um, yeah, and and that's why I won't vote for him exactly I want to bring the not just the winemaking but the politics of the picaa valley here um

Anyway, hezbollah love winemaking. That's that it's we'll get into that later Um Join us on the stream for that one. Anyway, um, but but it's truly he has like recovered that but The fact that his unable to like crack that 40 ceiling is I think why we're seeing a lot of this now, right? There was an article in the times the other day that was like, oh, maybe starmer should consider seping stepping down and letting hillary Ben or harry at harm and take over I swear there are a bunch of people who work at national newspapers whose entire job description is to raise my blood pressure and also the political profile of

Of like, uh, event cooper. It's just like total also rands who no one gives a fuck about like. Oh, oh, you know who could win an election harry at fucking harman like what why are you smoking like what like I just don't understand like I'm not the world's smartest guy, right? But like how do you look at harry at harman and be like that's what the country needs, right? Like the people in the red wall like the people who are on the fence about the labor party We'll see harry at harman and think yeah Fuck yeah, that's my gal I mean harry at harman is my mp. And once again, it would be like yes great idea

uh a point A blareite turf whose own constituency hates her in a safe seat job for life who basically Represents one of the most remain voting constituencies in the country. I'm sure that's absolutely what you want to win back the people who Whether or not you believe all the blood and this the the the monstering of corbin did affect this like the primary animus here was Brexit they wanted Brexit. They want they want to kick out the foreigners That's what they want because the media tells them that the the foreigners are making the bananas gay like I'm telling you like Bringing bringing it sort of bringing it back though all in sort of into like this one big little package, right?

This is clearly the They they are they have hit the problem of the forensic Approach isn't working and you can see the media just going back into its normal cycle Which is telling them that uh, maybe you should just be more like the tories and then also Having them suggesting that they nominate a bunch of people who've also lost a bunch of stuff To the leadership roles, but what they have to do make sure they have to do is just stand up in front of the flag Now, um, this is why we don't talk about the labor party is because it just makes us all angry for nothing Yeah, exactly. So I'm getting getting back onto a few of the hits here, right?

This was just a consultancy report from a branding agency. It's important not to overstate its importance But also it's very funny to me that apparently Leaks said that within hours of the report being commissioned a bunch of What's that messages were sent out saying that everyone should use union jacks for all of their header images and not, uh, red Hell yes Milo blood pressure down here are a few more things. Okay, uh, does here want an elected head of state? No, is he a proud patriot? Yes, but what about his past support for abolishing the monarchy? Well, we all reflect to what we said we were

Christy's good friend mr. Black Kira's been proud of what the monarchy has done to help the countries through the pandemic And now we're gonna list what the monarchy has done to help the countries through the pandemic Number one, william and kate went on a train journey. Uh, the queen showed up on fucking piccadilly circus To tell us that we would be able to hug Grandmoss again. So here's no here. Here's another little bit Uh, kia starver's spokesperson went on to say the royal family has been a beacon of hope for millions No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I think it's important because there are millions of convicted sex offenders in this country

And prince andrew has demonstrated that there is Life beyond Of a very rare condition of totally psychogenic anhydrosis googler and say and say you will but he put He put woking on the map in the way that no one else has been able to that's right I love that. Yeah a beacon of the royal family the guys who live in the gold house with the like Son that couldn't stop hanging out with jeffrey eppstein. Yeah, that's a beacon of hope for millions And what again their main action during the pandemic Was that william and kate went on a train tour of the country in a private train?

Yeah in place of michael portillo who was self isolating I mean the really funny thing right is that like we're gonna go all in I say we like i'm still a labor party man But out of force of habit the labor party is going to go fully into this like monarchy thing Just in time for the queen to fucking die. Yeah, I was gonna say I was gonna say Two months of state funeral the paper's saying kia starmer is like Smirking and therefore dancing on the on the grave of our dead queen And then we get king charles who nobody gives a shit about and the whole thing was futile Well, this is the thing right? I think that like

I get once again the labor party just being absolute marks, which is what I'm not in the good way I just like continue why I continually fail to understand about them Isn't like how they lurch to the right or they do shitty things or whatever that all makes sense It's the way in which they just cannot fucking work out when they're being asked a bad faith question Like if they're asking you as the labor party leader what you think about the royal family Your only your only option is to be like ask me a proper question. You fucking idiot That's all you say to that because the royal family is like a pointless issue to engage about some people like it Some people don't no one gives a fuck like both the people who like it and the people who like don't like it

Do not give a fuck about it. And so like there's no point like it doesn't matter just don't talk about it refuse to engage They're trying to own you just tell them to fuck off We also we also have like another example about like the 1997 like labor party and how You know one of its critiques was that it was very it was like really like ironclad in terms of Press right and it was very selective over like who would get what press and everything go like a lot of criticism for doing that But I think about this now and i'm kind of like well, maybe that was probably like the only That was like one of the only ways to sort of like manage a naturally very hostile press to labor

Regardless of like how much their leader has capitulated and like you know for again for all the kind of like talks and comparison to Blair Like they haven't Understood that like very basic premise which is if you're going to run with this strategy Like you're going to have to like really piss off a lot of media people including like the kind of ghettos forks Like the vikita forks unit that is now I never thought I would say but you actually kind of do need an allister camber figure Yeah Well, the thing is right is is that the current iteration of the labor party

I think what makes them such a an object of fun Is that they have adopted all of what they think of as the aesthetics of blairs cargo car without adopting any of the substance They haven't adopted the like ruthless. They haven't really adopted the ruthlessness towards their own people They adopted the ruthlessness. Oh, yeah I mean, but blairs Blair is like look how bad I want it kills dr. David kelly whereas these guys are just like Flags maybe do you like flags? It's that they've adopted the aesthetics, but they have not adopted the strategy or the tactics again like the end the

In terms of like purging the left like the papers basically did it for them. You know, all they had to do was hit the button Um, and they still missed the button the first three times they tried it Yeah So a few more things um that uh that voters in these focus groups see uh starmer as Uh as a big ham robot evasive and not being forthright and honest about where they want to be One birmingham voter described labor as two different parties under one name Which is true a next later voter from grizzby is quoted as saying they are the voice of the students And they have left real people and taxpayers behind. There's got too many fucking genders

Yeah Can we talk about my favorite aspect to all of this union flag stuff, which is um It's scottish independence somehow winning with a like 102 percent margin Oh, yeah, I was gonna say yes, scotland is gonna vote for independence with a fucking bath party It's like it's gonna be like congratulations. Uh to scott scotland and its independence referendum Narrowly edging out hosney mubare Yeah, I I care so so passionately for my progressive and unifying vision of britishness that i'm willing to Incinerate britain itself in order to get it

What's so funny is that like on one level obviously britain sucks so much that you can't really blame the scots for voting for independence By such a margin, but also that immediately after they do it scotland will become worse than the breast It's like It's sort of an amazing situation where just like everyone is fucked by it. It's a whole country of kobe ashi maru Separatist turf island. There's gonna be fucking great. I look forward to that Yeah, just just like just as reactionary as britain, but without the money like so a few more things a few more things Um earlier this week. This is from the article in the guardian star represented a party political broadcast beside a union flag And promised to rebuild the country

Redwall voters have also been targeted with facebook adverts which demands tories get tougher on border control In the context of the Of the coronavirus where they had said britain is locked down, but the borders are open any idea why Well, why did you fucking tell them to keep the skulls open then you daft cunt? And I think like you can you can eat very easily. Do you want a job at labor hq? I think you can eat it alice to Campbell I I don't I don't want to jump on immediately saying like this is a very like I'll say this

This is a very like xenophobic framing of a public health issue that's reasonable like yeah There's a global pandemic you should have like controlled Yeah, but you know what you're doing when you're putting a union flag on it Yeah, and and but it is locked down, but the borders are open Uh, and I feel like yeah, I think you kind of do see what they're actually doing there Um, and yeah, so I think that if you want to talk about like tony blair is margaret thatcher's greatest achievement I think it's not too unreasonable to say potentially Here's starmer could be Nigel forage his greatest achievement. Oh, wow. That's a dog. So yeah

You know my favorite my favorite thought Is that like my sort of my way of tying this together is the labor right is A machine to dominate and humiliate the labor left. That's what it exists for Everything else it is it is willing to burn to do that including having a united kingdom in the first place And I think it's fucking hilarious Yeah, it is absolutely a like look look at the polls. It is fully like a It's not it's not even the thing that I say sometimes about don't cry because you got what you wanted Like no all of these people are crying tears of rage because for the first time in their lives

They got 99 percent of what they wanted and they will never ever forgive jeremoi krobnans for it So I think the other things that I talk about around here before we go into the reading which is very fun Is like there's this whole idea that laid that the the akeer starmer credible labor party Which by the way ditches the image of spend spend spend so awesome. They've said they're not going to go back to austerity Spend spend richie sunak said that they were going to do post austerity economics. You're going to is right you absolute Fucking dipshits. This is just what the report said. Let's see what they do But I don't see why they wouldn't because that's the direction they're going is going to be like we're going to be I've heard people I had to interview or record an interview with a Tory MP for a client thing like a year ago

And they were going on about they should try to outflank the Tories from the right on economics Which is like what are you going to do introduce the gold standard and reintroduce Caribbean slavery? Like what are you fucking insane? Like the future of the Tory party is they're going to just do more like Nominally left stuff just on a more racist basis. They're just going to get whites only ubi Which is like yeah cool and over here starmer will be no more austerity But like in a in a britishness sort of way Trashutra is forced to become to become a Tory podcast because the Tories end up being the most left-wing party in the UK

Basically like that's dangerously close to being one party in the united kingdom and it's the Tories Like yeah, I well I number one number one. I think there kind of is one party in the United Kingdom. It just has two brands Um number two not even that anymore. Like I think now it's just different Tory wings number two I think like it's it's like let's let's like journalists do like to say Oh, is the Tory party or the Republican party finally going left? And it's like all of that stuff that there is going to be like shitty and anything they do that's like nominally Um, sort of like at least like state capacity building

even For instance the the biggest like uh peacetime stimulus spending that the treasury has ever done was We give you 10 pounds to get the coronavirus by eating out It's it's all gonna be it's all gonna be monkeys poor shit If they're if the so I think it's let I think the Tories are never in danger of like going left of of of labor Unless like something crazy happens I think what the Tories will do is do into more interventionist and like an activist government That's interested in investing

But like all of the decisions they make or the decisions that you'd make if you were suffering the effects of smoke inhalation That's the issue. But I think there's there we we can't be like oh the the Tories are gonna outflank the like Labor to his left rather labor is gonna end up Um missing opportunities and again, I don't care. I hope they lose. Um, I good miss the opportunities This is a hundred percent. John mcdonnell with his leather gloves in morning sunlight saying no, he's playing you like they are Falling for a trap the Tories have set a trap here and labor is blundering into it because they're so they're so convinced All they had to do was just decorbonize themselves that everything would be fucking Sunlit uplands and like it's a trap. They're idiots. Good. Go into the trap. Fuck off. Fuck off into the trap

But I think the other thing to talk about here, right is that the emptiness of these semantic claims are on civic nationalism We're like What the labor is offering to people right is we're gonna stand beside the flag and stand beside a veteran But when we when someone tells us what patriotism means, we're gonna give like an answer that's like, oh well patriot We're a pluralist country. So actually the real patriotism is tolerance and the people who are being intolerant They're actually being unpatriotic by the definition of the word patriotism given what our values are Very difficult to put all of that on the back of a t-shirt even on the beefiest x para Yeah, and that's the thing, right? It's bloody sunday. No apology. No surrender

That like stirs something in the nut sack of a you know Of a of a of like, uh, you know of a guy who's like interest whose main interests are like, you know Surveiling muslims on a next door, right? Boy, it's noise to show how to stir me nut sack So like and you're never and the fact is that appeals to someone at like a base level That appeals to someone viscerally and if you bring that debate club version of patriotism if you try to like Say, oh, we're actually more patriotic by their own logic We have won the argument then that has never worked And the other thing the last thing right before we go on to the reading series is that I don't I don't I'm not

Comfortable saying that the labor party is going to besokify if only because of first pass the post even knows what that means Or cares exactly cares. Yeah, who cares? It's a stupid organization that does a lot of uh makes a lot of funny blunders and they're fun to make fun of But like I said, if you're caring about them, you should spend your intellectual energy elsewhere If you're spending money on them, you should spend your money elsewhere Literally any other place. Yes on our patreons the patreons of our uh cretinist friends And like if you can find some individual good and like if you have one of the Handful of good labor MPs and you want to like campaign for them. Yeah, fine, whatever

But like you you should be aware that in general the labor party is a fly paper for any kind of optimism Or progressive instincts and the british people and you're just stuck to it Yeah, exactly. I'm planning on doing the same thing with local elections and may to be honest The labor labor counselors in hackney have done pretty good stuff with regard to like cars and cycling So i'm going to vote for them on that basis. Uh, if you're just vote labor out of habit If you don't have a reason to do it, uh, I don't know stay home on election day. Do something else Play a video game. Why not? Why not vote for uh, george galloway? Spunk loving slots the official position of tf's you should not vote for george galloway

I will not be voting for george galloway No, I really I really hate george galloway, man. What a fucking dickhead There we go. There it is. How about this instead of voting for george galloway right in spunk loving sluts Quoting george galloway. However, it would be really fucking funny to see Keer starma have to focus group what to do in the wake of george galloway getting a huge margin at the local elections He would buy a hat I guess we're gonna have to come out at least partially in support of blowing up london All right. All right. Uh, let's go into the reading everybody

Uh, here's starma eating out of ruler lenska's palm like a cat Oh, yeah, so i'm a cat ruler. I'm a cat And I think it's very important that you understand that i'm a cat and that's why i'm wearing this leotard It's not what I would normally wear ruler. It's not so, um Yeah, I think we've gotten basically everything interesting out of that. Like I said, there wasn't even a whole episode in it, but This has been physically bad for us to do. We shouldn't have done it. Hey, you want to you want to you want to have some rejuvenation? Yes, please What more do I have to do to get a peerage by toby young for the spectator?

Oh, that's the shit comes to mind. Is everyone feeling a little better? Well, toby is my boy Come on I just I just I just want to say as someone who has read this column before we do the reading series That he is the most innovative columnist we have in this country. I agree. Like yeah, I feel like I really appreciate like both his kind of creativity in terms of Like in terms of like introducing new forms of discourse But also just how he's lent into the the patheticness of his character

Nobody does it like him and that's saying something in a nation of Does it better Makes me feel bad for the rest Okay, so let's let's check this out. This is I my vibes are already improving. Oh, yeah I've gone from like a three out of ten making the mistake of talking about the labor party again I'm back up cruising at a ten local elections vote for a toby young. Yeah, that's right This is yeah vote for toby young put him into a government job for which he is unequipped. He will blunder out of me absolutely

So watching lord hannon of kings clear being introduced in the house of lords on monday was a bittersweet moment Is this daniel hannon? It's been a fucking hell On the one hand the peerage has ever been particularly selective or whatever, but jesus christ On the one hand i'm doing the ranks of lord nont kitty fiddler On the one hand i'm delighted for dan He is one of the heroes of brexit and his impromptu speech about margaret thatcher in the pub following her memorial service Brought a tear to my eye and everyone collapsed toby you say that you're glad for him and you like him But like why is that vein in your temple throbbing?

What i'm so fucking happy for you, dude But on the other hand i can't help thinking where's my bloody peerage Yeah, what because you've never done anything toby. Oh, oh my lo oh contraire toby list his accomplishments here Okay, i've edited this and that cool Oh this and that oh, yeah, my favorite magazine this and that weekly co-founded four free schools Um, uh-huh served in the boards of numerous charities and i set up the free speech union cool. Oh great imagine imagine getting an ove for services to posting Wait, hang on a minute. Is he joking and it's a really bad joke? No, no, no He's doing the thing really like he has a really sincere desire, but he tries to play it off

This like faux jealousy of being it's the same thing like this is why toby young is so powerful Is because he can't not own himself because the tool that he's devised to like get out of being owned Is just to like lean into it and talk about how owned he is and how this is all very funny like for instance The other my wife hates me as a joke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, or the other great column or like I invited 10 friends to my stag doing none of them showed up Like yeah, that's right. So I wrote in the pub listening to Daniel Hannum. Yeah, that's right So, um, I thought my elevation to the lords might happen when boris became prime minister Up until that point. I'd given him more tobacco enemas than any journalist in fleet street

And then he helpfully clarifies and parentheses blown smoke up his arse Uh-huh. Um, I even wrote I thought that no boris johnson actually wants tobacco in his asshole He believes in 18th century magic years Yeah, um, legally legally for legal purposes We do have to clarify that the prime ministry of the united kingdom boris johnson regularly has a hooker Like inserted into his anus That's hooker two o's k a h

He even he says I even wrote a 5000 word hagiography for an australian magazine Entitled cometh the hour cometh the man Indeed I laid on the oil so thick in that piece. I'm now worried. Yeah oils. Certainly what you laid on toby I'm now worried that when I'm standing in front of st. Peter in the pearly gates He's going to bring it up. You did plenty of good works But you've been a decent you've been a decent husband and father No, and you always gave money to beggars doubt it But on the other hand you did write that 5000 word piece about boris in which you compared him to niches ubermench

And it's like Cool, and it's like, okay So did you do it as a joke because you certainly didn't seem to be doing it as a joke at the time He's literally being like, uh, why does prime minister boris johnson keep giving keep giving Pierages to guys who treat him bad like daniel hanham when he could give them to nice guys like me I've simped for the prime minister so much and yet he won't even fuck me. What the fuck Um It was boris who got my hopes up in september of 2011. He was mayor of london

He opened up the first free school has helped to set up He made quite a good joke because he cut the ribbon the secretary of state for state for education has given a new word to the english language He said referring to mutual our mutual friend. We give they gave he gave he gave us this school Oh, mate toby mate. Come on. He remembers that word for word Come on, mate. This guy this guy's a fun. No, he's the thing is like i'm upset again now He's a he's a renfield, but he's like he's a renfield who's like I don't dracula, you know, what a character. Anyway, i'm a renfield for him. You know what my favorite thing is He he like has this column has destroyed any chance not that there was one anyway, but like

He won't get a peerage now because like after this He it's a Yeah, even his wife's not going to fuck him after this Well, after this milo. Yeah, I mean if she was fucking him before this would be the last straw surely Um Anyway, so he says I can't say i'm particularly enamored by the ermine or even the 305 pound daily attendance allowance You really really want both of those things dude

No, the big attraction of the upper house is that it would force caroline to take my name when we got mary So you said she never changed her name Yes And again the whole thing is written as oh, this is a joke. This is a joke. That's mighty specific for a joke tobes I think that uh, and also given all of your other columns I think you hate your family your family hates you and you're desperate to become a lord So there's some purpose to your life wait because things he doesn't list in this is that he's like His last thing he did during covet was like he started a blog saying that cope basically like lockdown shouldn't happen and covet's all overblown

Yeah, look toby listen to me, mate your best chance of becoming a lord appear in the house of lords Is if in some sort of like ironia sudby type situation They contrive to make heston blumenthal a lord And due to a confusion of identity You accidentally they hit you with the sword and then you're the lord and they make a rom-com about it Heston blumenthal age and 47 situation Yeah, exactly. So he says it was the same story with david cameron. We were at brazenose together back when atobi

Does that pains to remind you that he was in oxford and when he was still prime minister He went to oxford in the same way that like the kids that they let hold the players hands play for manchester He was still prime minister I told him about the shock I received when I turned recurrent for a college reunion and david ramson a contemporary of ours now Deputy governor of the bank of england. Let's slip that he'd be given a knighthood. Come on prime minister I said you've got to stick me in the lord so I can one up him on the next brazenose gaudy He let that's a dinner where you go back to college. He laughed, but I told him I was in deadly earnest I thought there might be some sliver of chance until we ended up on different sides of the eu referendum

um Yeah, and this is definitely gonna happen until like absolutely toby toby young just every time like even even the conservative party, which is like a nakedly Drawling patronage organization. It is a fine transition this guy too repulsive He is he is too cloying Down on it. He's just like please respond. Please respond. Please respond. Please respond I sent you a picture. I made of myself wearing the robes. Please give me the peerage

Toby young doing the same thing to boris johnson of that smp Minister He's dying to Derek mckay boris johnson Hey, do you like rugby? What was so funny about that was that it was an attempted grooming You don't often hear about like a grooming that failed because you were outsmarted by a child Like the whole reason that grooming is illegal is because it's not really a level intellectual playing field between you and the child So when the pedophile just gets like bullied and begged by the child it becomes hilarious

I realized the prospect of me becoming lord young of actin as about as likely as katie hopkins being made a dame Oh, he's even picked out the fucking place too Yeah, it would now now the ultimate own is to uh is to make her a dame Of the no toby's club katie hopkins less stupid than toby young because katie hopkins is right-wing as a grift Toby young is right-wing because he wants people to like him Um But whenever a new list of honors comes out, I cannot help running my eye down and thinking

What's that oxygen thief being given that he's achieved nothing compared to me Stop banding the word oxygen thief about toby. Come on mate. That's a glass house. Yeah Um, so yeah, just I think the most pathetic man in britain who is unable to stop writing about like all of the indignities that he must suffer on a daily basis He's at the hand of his family his employers the general public and my favorite part is he thinks he believes I think desperately Sincerely that this comes off as like ironically self-effacing and self-aware instead of just Oh, pathetic. It's really

He thinks that he's the protagonist in a martin amos novel when in fact he's basically like He's somebody who gets his pants pulled down on mtv's punked Protagonist in a kingsley amos novel Yeah, he's lucky jim every toby young uh column has exactly the energy of those youtube nut shot compilations Yeah, yeah, here's a load of times. I got hit in the nuts. Anyway, I'm not owned So, um to toby young from tf podcast. Uh, consider youtube Yeah

Did you know that you can buy the little lapel pen that they give you when they give you an mbe or an oba off of ebay for a fiver Just do that toby do that I'm selling is check. I don't think so Here's another thing you can do if you're still a member of the labor party after all this episode Take take house of lord's pin. Take that money for that and take that and spend that on getting yourself a little oba pin Yeah, or get toby young an oba pin. I'm sure you just keep sending him ironic oba pins owned That would be very funny actually. Uh, do not do that, of course

Um, anyway, I think only do it in a non-threatening way. Do not do it at all Um, uh, so I think that's that about ends us for today for this free episode of tf Uh, it's been a good time hanging out with all of you as ever Be young and it just sort of fucking like howard hughes type situation like tormented by all these different honorific pins That keep arriving in the mail. Yeah, I've I'll never be a knight of the garden. God damn you Yeah, I've sent toby young a fucking like order of the red eagle or something I've sent him a bunch of saris to decorations. They don't issue anymore as a joke and he's just furious I I've gave I've given him an order of the of the um of the vetezzi

random you just accepted it Yeah, toby young param vishakra So, okay, uh, I want to say thank you for listening to all this Don't forget. We have a patreon five bucks a month. You can subscribe to it this week We talked to artist jessica eaton all about the strange financialization of the fine art industry and all of the morbid symptoms that produces so i'm we've reported that already As she should get yeah, we um We we've talked about that. Uh, we excuse me. We've recorded that already and it's a really good episode

I'm very excited for you all to hear it. It was very fun. Uh, also the bottleman by the time this is out the canadian podcast I do with dan bekner Will be out. It will be out. It will be available. You can listen to it. It will be out for a rip, bud It will be out for a rip So if you want to hear me and dan bekner of wolf parade and operators talk about canadian politics with Various guests, then you should download the bottleman. Yeah, and also the Yeah, the the patreon for uh masters of our domain the seinfeld podcast i do for beroi has now launched So if you like your uh, the balthasar speedboat type thing that is loosely about seinfeld, uh

Maybe drop us up to that speaking of fee beroi I believe 10k posts also has a patreon now as well. Well, wait, when is this coming out? Tuesday, uh, no, so it'll be out the following week Okay, uh, disregard that 10k post does not have a patreon. We will have a We will have a patreon soon, but in any case I keep forgetting to like plug 10k posts So like listen to 10k post we we're like, you know, it's it's a fun show about posting and being online and having a good time That's right. That's right. Um saying fee beroi and toby young That's that's he's the uh, he's the funny one

He's a real card come on. They brought toby young in his third mic And also introducing the uh, the sixth member of tm toby young Spending months writing articles about how much he loves nick mullen because he wants to be Ah Fucking loser adam friedlin don't come down. You won't have me. I've achieved so much I started a club of people online who are friends and who will like yell at people if they're mean to you Yeah, all right. All right. Um, that's all for us today. Uh, see you at the bonus episode in the bonus

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