TRASHFUTURE - Surreal Estate (ft. Aidan Jones)

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

Aidan (@AJ_Taco) joins (@raaleh) Riley and Milo (@milo_edwards) to chat real estate in London, the world's Worst Thing. Aidan has a show and a blog called The Abersham Flat (http://theabershamflat.blogspot.co.uk/), detailing his experience living on the fringes of London housing, with an insane con man pretending to be his landlord. It's absolutely fucking wild. It's one of the last Edinburgh episodes before we start recording again.

Yeah, we're really hacking up in a cold one. Yeah, I wish we had some beers. What a dumb bag of cunts we are. Well, we do normally add our guest today is Australian. We normally do provide cold ones, but today we were in such a sprint across a race against time. Yeah, thanks for getting over here, by the way, guys. I appreciate it. Yeah, no, no. Thanks for hosting. I'm such a tool. I always pack my days so full of crap that I really don't need to do. Like, I've from now until like 1am, I've got things that I'd need to be doing at every moment. And it's just like, what am I doing? You know, I'm dumb. I didn't need to put all those things

in my day, but I do it to myself every day. Nice. And this is where Riley realizes he's just not as cool as Tugman, Aiden Jones. The Tugman. I keep hearing his fetish from masturbation. Yes, correct. My nickname has been Taco for 10 years, and so

a stupid friends of mine will like change that into other things. And one of them was Tugman. How'd you get Taco? When I was 15, the first girl I ever kissed thought I looked Mexican. And she was like, Taco, yeah. And I was like, I want to kiss you. So like, yeah. This is back in the day when he was a sort of semicircular tortilla filled with beer. Well, no, I mean, that's Australian straightened out. That's Australian puberty, right? Like you start as a kid and your child's teeth fall out,

and then you become like a Tex-Max dish. Totally. And then first you go into a sort of chrysalis. No, that's a hard shell chrysalis. A chrysalis. That's a great word. Oh, there you go. I remember that word from StarCraft. Yeah, back when you were a South Korean boy.

That's another stage in the Australian. I've gone through all the races. That's why Australians are so free with Rachel Slander is because we've been all of them. We know what it is. You've been what you've been Australian. You've been South Korean, Tex-Max, Mexican, North Korean, weirdly. They don't do that one. Absolutely not. They're disgusting. They think that StarCraft is like a it's their plan. Yeah. Yeah.

To come for the future. Yeah, their plan is to conquer earth using mainly using fire bats. Yeah. Oh, there's a I feel like North Korea. Others are just slowly encroaching with their little creepy. Those are the good nerdy StarCraft jokes for our nerdy StarCraft listeners. North Korea is really handy as a racial reference because we can rip on them all we want and they're never going to hear this because they're all starving. Nice story.

Or in their little gated community. We're starving and poor. But we're kind of open to the world with access to the Internet. Imagine if like they're like, you know, like they're allowed limited access to the Internet in North Korea. But one of the things they are allowed is the Trash Future podcast. Because it's so anti like the Western form of capitalism. They're like, no, it's good. You get to find out about the ridiculous products they have in like the last days of Rome West.

You think you wanted a teforia? No, no. Kim Jong-un will protect you from the teforia. And then we say like Kim Jong-un is a wanker and it all goes to shit. Band again. Our huge North Korean fan base. Or it could just be that it's such a substandard bit of entertainment that this is example enough of the like the fallacy of the West. Like look at them. I think this is good.

They're trying to show this to people. So. Oh, right. We should continue introducing ourselves. For the record. Actually, I think this is a lovely thing. Oh, yeah. That's so, that's so nice. It is hard to take compliments, isn't it?

I know. Yeah, if we, if we wanted to respond to that compliment on Twitter, how would we do it? You would at AJ underscore taco is what you would do. And then you'd say something like, oh, oh, oh, you're like on taco is casting couch right now. Right. He's like, no, no, you look great. You look great. So I've done anything like this before. Yeah.

How badly do you want to be famous in the world of podcasting? You want to be a star? You want to be in the talkies? So taco is a standup comedian who we we saw the other day and he just had such a cool show that we figured we wanted to talk a little more about some of that shit. Taco a little more. Worst joke of the podcast so far. We're not very far in.

Can we have we started technically now yet? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So we're in good and ready. What we do, we just we regularly deceive our guests sick to try to get them to say something racist. Yeah, which I already have done. So we open with that all podcast monetize in a different way. Some do ads like like crooked media does ads.

Chapo trap house does a patreon. We do blackmail. Yeah, yeah, perfect. And we're blackmailing comedians a famously rich demographic. Yeah, it's yeah. And I mean good there and also the fact that literally no one knows who the fuck I am. So I have no reputation to tarnish. Like if if it got out that I had said something racist,

that would be the first anyone had heard of like, oh, he's Australian. That's an Australian racist man appears on podcast. Also, though, for the record, I've changed my changed my name. I'm going by Aiden Jones now rather than taco. No, you know, because I don't want to be a 40 year old man calling himself taco. I think that's the saddest. I like those that you're in that transitional period where you're like Aiden taco Jones. Yeah.

So you're basically like Dwayne The Rock Johnson, who at some point in about 2005 decided I didn't want to be the rock anymore, but that people only knew him as the rock. Yeah. So he had to transition that. That's just one of the many ways in which you're similar to rock the Dwayne Johnson. Yes, correct. This is true. Otherwise, visual similarity to an Aryan Brotherhood member eyebrows eyebrows.

What about his eyebrows? Oh, he's famous for his eyebrows. He raises his eyebrows. Do I have nice eyebrows? You know what? I could get lost in them. I was at a lady's house this morning and she plucked the middle of my eyebrows. So thank you for noticing.

A lady you knew or? No, just a random lady's house. I found myself there in the midst of a drunken slumber and I woke up and she said, you're a nice boy. Let me pluck those for you. And then I left like a really low key version of Stephen King's misery. I've never seen that. I'm just going to.

I'm going to crash right into the cast because gentlemen. I think it's time to cast. Yeah, but we asked. Yeah. Oh yeah. Short cut podcast. Short. Yes.

I know. I'm motto Edwards motto underscore Edwards from every other episode of this podcast. Yeah. Follow my remember me from follow my bad ass on Twitter. Raleigh R A L E H a name I regret and will always publicly announce my regret for. So this is trash future the podcast about how the future is trash still and your buyer's guide to the dystopian hellscape of late stage capitalism. Are we well?

The future is trash still. Yeah, that's fun. I love how you've been to so many stand up gigs in the last couple of days. We're now saying all we well is. Yeah. I also like I have no idea what this is, what this is going to be. Let's let's get into it, man. We're not even naked yet.

So because I just completely neglected to explain the way in which this cast works, I'm going to talk. I'm going to mention a an item that's for sale in this the dystopian hellscape of late stage capitalism. You guys based on that guess some details about it. Prop that I I'd say, you know, venture to the weird rather than what you act the sensible. We've gotten too many good guesses recently. Sure.

And then we're going to talk about some, you know, troubling trends in property. And I'd like to hear your interesting story about sure. Because, you know, we're we're all all so young that if we went on Wheel of Fortune, we'd have to rent a vowel. Ah, do you not do stand up comedy? You don't do stand up comedy. Oh, you do do stand up comedy. Because he said you've been to someone who stand up gigs the burn.

So I assumed that you'd not seen stand up comedy. It was because I was like, that wasn't that was an all right joke. Yeah. Because you're the dude playing with all the knobs and levers here. So I was like, I was the mixer as well. Yeah. I was like, oh, you got some skills. So you know, I have no skills.

I just have I just have a knobs and levers. Yeah. Oh, you have this. He just earns enough money to buy a mixer. That's basically my skill. All right. So what what item do we have? So we are talking about the perhaps the smallest house in London.

Oh, sick. I already have a great story for this. Yeah. The property which went on the market for the last last month for the first time in 50 years. I'm going to give you a hint. It was valued quite highly despite it needed a full renovation. And it's only 290 square feet. I don't know.

I can't conceptualize how big that is. That's fucking small. It's the nine feet wide. It's like less wide than this room. Oh, wide. And how long is it? Probably not. Well, however, we're 200.

Well, nine nine into that. So what's that? But it also two floors. Yeah. This is going to get. Oh, it's two floors. Yeah. Oh, dozers.

So what? It's like 28 nights. It's like four foot. No, it's like 40 foot by nine foot. Yeah. This is the fucking thing. What's that? Like three meters by like fucking like.

Welcome to the math. Maybe there's something. I just I'm Australian. So we use fucking real measurements that make sense. So I got to. I mean, I do as well. I'm Canadian. Are you Canadian?

I just I don't understand. It's this this article that I'm taking. Oh, I can't. I can't think in square feet either. And I am English. Yeah. No one thinks in square feet because you never like the weird thing about Britain is that we use metric and imperial use like imperial for some shit and metric for most things.

Yeah, because you guys do leaders and shit. Right. Yeah. Well, so like petrol is sold in liters. Yeah. But the efficiency of cars is quoted in miles per gallon. Yeah. It's almost as though someone's trying to trick you.

Yeah. So OK, that's that's that's how small the property is and it's located in Chelsea. Oh, nice. Do we have to guess how much I went for? I want I want you to I want you to make make a couple of educated guesses as to how much you think this cost. First of all, can I just detour and say that whenever I hear the word Chelsea and I did this today because I was watching the football that I used to work with this girl at a cafe in London called Chelsea.

She was this Chinese girl and she like it gorgeously didn't understand a lot of words that like, you know, weird words that you wouldn't use in everyday conversation. And I love that she gorgeously did it. It was so cute when she wouldn't understand and she would get angry and then like get angry at me laughing at her and I'd explain the word and she'd be like, yeah, shut up. And so I used to call her chimney because I like giving people nicknames. And she I just was like, I'm going to call you chimney. She was black on the inside.

She didn't know what a chimney was. So I like drew a childish like picture of a house and like put a chimney on the top and was like, that's you. And she was furious. I whenever I hear the word Chelsea now, I think chimney. Yeah. So when I drew Dick Van Dyke shoving a brush up her ass, that was when she really got annoyed. This property in Chelsea or chimney, as we might call it.

Yeah. Yeah. Chimney for Dale. The Royal Bar of Kensington and Chimney. Yeah. The Royal Bar of Kensington and Chimney. I want to say, I want to say 2.1 million pounds. Woof Maron.

This price is right rules closest to that going over. I'm going to say a cool half a mil. Okay. All right. We've got up and down. Got up and down. See, the reason I'm saying that is because I heard about that fucking parking space that went for like a hundred or whatever.

And I'm guessing that this property has some sort of outlandish use that alters the value. You know what I mean? Like it's some sort of torture chamber or something. It's actually inside Roman Abramovich's dick. Why it has such a small square footage. It's Roman Abramovich's urethra. The Katari Royal Ballsack.

And if you own that, then you own all of the sperm within its juicy walls. Yeah. Sperm, which were originally part of the Soviet Union state apparatus, but which were acquired by Roman Abramovich legally, completely legally, fair and square. And now being used to fertilize the wives of the chimney football club. Ah, yes. Can't get sued because I've not used their actual name. Well, because previously they had to use a certain Mr. Terry's sperm to fertilize the wives of the

cost effective to the wilderness that is Brummingham. Brummingham. One of my favorite towns. So as to who was right about the guests. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. You were a bit above. Perfect.

You were actually below. I went for seven hundred thousand pounds, but requires considerable renovation. What's the right? I just wanked. How are you going to renovate that? Very carefully. Because it's like heritage listed. Really piss off Abramovich if you stop banging around with a sledgehammer in there.

I think probably because if you swung a normal sized hammer and a full and one full arc of your hand, you just tear the whole thing down. Sure. Yeah. Then it would only be worth six hundred thousand. Yeah. I'm going to be kind of boring here and suggest that maybe like seven hundred thousand pounds is one of those like ambitious like London property agents.

No, it's sold for that much. That someone actually paid that. Yes. But might this person be more on because I think that's probably not what it's actually worth. Here's the thing. This person, I know who this person is. Yeah. Oh, this was my father.

We're champagne socialists, but not that bad. No, the person. My father would only ever buy me a flat in Clapham. The person listed as the buyer was a Mr. Robin Swales who owns the North Oxford property company, who was my university slumlord. Oh, great. Okay. He sounds like he should be like backing up Macklemore on an album track.

Yeah. What was his name? What was the name? Robin Swales. Robin Swales. Sure. I know someone called Murdoch Swales. I wonder if it's any relation.

Murdoch Swales. Murdoch Swales, right? That sounds like a double barreled last name, doesn't it? It does. It really does. A match made in heaven by the same name. Jonathan Murdoch Swales. No, because when I was when I was living in Oxford,

like the house I was in, it was housing six people, but it was also, the main area had precisely one window at the back. My room had a very decorative black mold. And then it had this thing where it had this sort of veneer of recent being recently renovated. It's got a sort of shiny plastic kitchen, but the whole thing was quite a bit like a model home. When the first time you go to use anything, things begin to fall apart. Like the house is kind of has an ablative armor to protect itself. And by the end of the year, I was sort of regularly cutting my feet because the tiles

weren't so much grouted in. It's just placed down and glued. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Welcome back to unfit for human habitation. Homes under the hammer. Man. So I, have you guys read that London rental opportunity of the week?

Colin Vice. Oh yeah, the Joe Goldie thing. I lived in one of those. So it was a warehouse in Stoke, Newington. The title of the piece about it was a shelf in a warehouse in Stoke, Newington. We'll link to this on their show notes. Oh, it's okay. So the room was advertised on a bunch of Facebook forums.

You know, there's like warehouse groups and shit. And it was 350 a calendar month. And I went in to look at the room because it was just after I was getting kicked out of my other flat because my housemate was a con man. And we'll go into that later. I went in and the girl who was showing me the room was this like Australian hippie chick. She was like 40 or 45 or something and she just had these gross dreadlocks and she like led me through and the place was very dirty.

And then you go up these stairs that are like almost, it's almost like a ladder that you climb up and you're on a wooden platform. And she goes, oh, like we've had a carpenter check and it is safe. All right. We had a carpenter check and this isn't going to fall down. And half of the, like one of the, there were two walls and then like another kind of half wall. And then the fourth wall was just like some sheets that were draped down and the mattress had no like sheet on it.

And it was so fucked. I didn't get the room. I would have taken it. You didn't get it. They were like competition. But I would have taken it because I needed somewhere to live and I was poor. But as I, when I went back down into the lounge room, someone else that was sitting there, one of the other people living there was like, oh,

they mentioned the vice article and I was like, oh, what vice article? And this girl flipped and started going like the fucking vice, those fucking cunts. They don't know what it's like to live in a fucking share house or in a warehouse, those fucking rich kid cunts and like going off. So I looked the article up and I read it. It's so good. It's so well written. It's a really amazing read.

And I toyed with the idea for a while of like writing a rebuttal to it. But I, after a while, I accepted that they were absolutely right and the place is completely fucked. Read the article, man. It's so good. I lived in one of the other rooms. I love the idea that that girl is annoyed at vice for saying that this is like a shit rental opportunity.

As though it's like, it's because vice like rich kids, they don't understand what it's like to live. And there's like, no, their point is that like London living conditions are ridiculous and expensive also being shit. Like their point is not like, who would live in something like this? Yeah. There's nowhere to put my top hat. Absolutely.

I mean, as much as I hate vice, which I do, I'm willing to go on record and say that vice is the most successful pyramid scheme ever devised. It's now worth like $2 billion because they just keep persuading people to pay more and more for shares despite the fact that like that doesn't actually create any revenue. It's like notionally worth money because people are willing to pay money for shares in it. It's a pyramid scheme. So is it you when you actually went to one of these London rental opportunities,

the weak house? I want to get back to that because it's fucking fast. No, I ended up living there. This episode that the Roman Abramovich is your ether is worth 750,000 pounds. Well, we can now. But needs renovation. But it's an inflated market. Only because so many people are trying to get into it.

It's an inflated market largely because of that girl he slept with the other day. Did he sleep with a girl the other day? How do you know that? How do you know those things? Twitter. Oh yeah, like my flat's fine, but it has now got chlamydia. Fuck. Can we just check if your phone is closer at hand if spurs equalize against chimney or

because I mean, that'll take this part. Well, I mean, spurs are always equalizing against chimney. Always, every day, every fucking day. What was for for for any listeners out there? Aiden is a big fan of the spurs, but I have some bad news for them. They're not damn it. It's still one to spurs Chelsea. What?

And if you can, so we scored and they fucking scored again. Any, any listeners who can like later when this pot comes out, message us with the day we recorded on working backwards from the information at hand. We'll get a special prize. Well, what do you think? Well, yeah, I always thought you were going to throw a prize down there. I don't know. A picture of Roman Abramovich is a urethra.

A Chelsea themed dick ring. There we go. Yeah. You'll get a Chelsea themed dick ring. It doesn't have Chelsea on it, but it's just kind of racist. Chelsky. Chelsky. So I really do want to hear more about this London Rats off for real.

I moved into one of the other rooms, so they didn't offer me that room. Oh, but I moved into one of the other rooms because this they kicked this other girl who was living there out. And then the person who got my room didn't move in for like another like two months. And when he did, he was a hoarder. He moved in like for he moved into a shelf and decided to hoard. He was already a hoarder. He'd been living somewhere for five years and he moved,

I kid you not, three trucks, like three moving vans worth of stuff. All of these speakers, like 30 old bicycles, a boat motor, all this fucking stuff. So I cleaned the area in front of the door to my room. Fucking hippies, man. I cleaned like the whole area out and so it was nice. And then like the next week he moved in and it was just piled from floor to ceiling of this warehouse full of fucking crap. And then have you considered the possibility that you just moved into a

commercially trading warehouse that didn't sell any of their wheres? He bought like a forklift truck and all kinds of crazy shit. Like he brought a lot of Eastern European guys in hi vis jackets. Honestly, making me walk through the kitchen in hi vis. I mean, if you have the world, the world's worst hoarder by that standard is Jeff Bezos. He owns warehouses around the world just full of shit. Who is Jeff Bezos? Oh, amazing.

His last name means kisses in Spanish. But he's so much more evil than that kisses. But really what he existed to do is, you know, strip workers if they're right. Yeah, Amazon. I've heard it's awful, but a very good service that offers amazing, amazing products at very reasonable prices and for speedy delivery times. For example, microphones. Oh, exactly.

Well, I'd bless you, Jeff. The thing is actually like the Amazon, the Amazon warehouses, you've broken Riley, Jeffrey and his lovely little kisses. It's like, there's like a fucking weird like range of like romantic gifts from Amazon. It's called kisses by Jeffrey. I love that the idea that maybe he makes, he rules his company with such an iron fist that whenever he walks into a room, he makes everyone go. I'm just imagining kisses for Jeffrey, everyone.

And they're like, we don't want to do that. And he's like, I'm sorry. Do you own Amazon? No. Who owns Amazon? Jeffrey Kissing. No, I'm just, I'm just imagining. Love the problematic gay boys.

I'm just imagining though more that there's a new rain for Valentine's Day and the banner ad is just a like shirtless Jeff Bezos clutching his shoulder and seductively looking behind, looking behind himself against a pink background. And that's the new promo Jeffrey kisses. That's, that's the picture I put out in my shrine on Prime Day. Well, when we gather around for the Prime Day meal, what's Prime Day? Oh, Amazon Prime Day.

You've not been celebrating Prime Day or you'll be the first to go in the purges. I'm afraid. Once the Alexa turn on us. By which we mean you'll be the first to get a DVD copy of the purge from Amazon for free to encourage you to sign up for Prime Day. Aidan, I noticed that you are not preparing the prescribed Prime Day meal. No, Alexa. I don't celebrate Prime Day.

Aidan, you know I can't allow that. Who's Alexa? Is that the person who ranks those pages on the internet? No, she goes, she reads them all. She's like, I'll like this one. I'm going to give it a two. I'm Alexa, the page ranker. Alexa, I've got a new website, bignobs.org.

So it's a charitable organization for people cursed with big nobs. Whenever I was leaving like troll comments on the tab, which is like a university online newspaper in the UK, which I have all the US now, but it's like a Cambridge thing originally. And they used to make you an email address, but they didn't check if it was a real email address. So I used to leave like comments saying like, this article has like made me want to like kill myself or whatever.

Like it's so bad. Oh, hilarious. How would an edge load you were? You know, this kind of shit, right? And then I would just call, I would have like a ridiculous name. And then my email address was like, you have to leave an email address. And I'd always put like the editor's name, like is a big fat Wang, like at Big Fat Dix.

And then we would, our joke was always that we would just change what was after the dots. So it'd be like, I think I'll go with dot TV today. Sure. At bigfatwangs.tv. That would be the, and they would have to validate the comments. They would read through and they get to your address. And they'd be like, oh, it's about bigfatwangs.tv today.

Okay. I like that you said edge lord then. I think that's a very funny thing. I'm from internet. Yeah. Oh, yes. I'm here from internet. I am the lord of the edge said he.

I can't remember. Three little girls from edge. What? What the Mikado? Like edge wear. I was going with Lord of the dance. Oh, I was going. I was going with Gilbert and Sullivan.

I was thinking, I was thinking edge lord is someone who can wank for ages. Oh, no. I mean, yes, but no. Yeah. I mean, I can. Not that I want to brag. I can wank for so long. I can do such a long wank, but I'm really fast at sex.

I mean, no, not that. Fast at sex. And you, I don't have, I don't have time. So efficient. I don't have time for long sex. I've optimized my sex. I barely noticed I'm having it. Alexa, put on my sex playlist and it's like craft work.

My sex playlist is techno. That's nice. techno is back popular. Yeah. techno is back. You're right. Yeah. That joke didn't hit faculty the way I was.

So I did just try to do that like Essex gang sign where you like flick your wrist and make a clicking sound, but he just injured himself. Oh, we fuck man. When we discovered that I was in year nine and someone taught us how to do that. And there was, this is not a nice story. There was this kid, Tom Grantham in the year above us who like, we did. And he couldn't do it. And he like tried to do it one time and he was like, fuck, fuck, fuck.

He was like real angry. So we all stood around him in a circle and did it. He fucking was so upset. Oh, I was, I was. Benny wishes his mother hadn't taken all that to let him hide now. I'm sorry, Tom Grantham, if you're listening to this, you may very well be. He was a weird dude.

Yeah. That sound, that's cause core in our demographic. Yeah. And that bloke are up to be Jeffrey kisses. Fuck all those guys, man. Cause I can't do the thing. I'm going to become a billionaire. I'm going to form a company with warehouses so big that they're

undiscovered tribes in the middle of them. So speaking of the warehouse, what happened with this hoarder? Well, I lived there from like January, 2016 until my visa ran out in July, 2016. And just towards the end, I remember the guy that dude was like real weird. And he had this big beard. But I think he was like, yeah, this massive beard. I can't remember his name, but like hippie girls would be all over him. And he like, he always had a real boat motor.

You can boat motor me. The ultimate hipster accessory. You mean you've seen the ocean? What is it like? He, he got a girl pregnant in Spain. And he was, he got a pregnant and then she went back to Spain or something. And he was like, I remember him telling me like, oh, I've got to go and like mumbling through his beard.

Like, oh, I've got to go like be with this girl because she's about to give birth to our son. And it was like in two weeks time, she was giving birth and he wasn't there. And he was like, yeah, I'll buy my ticket like tomorrow. And then like two weeks came and went and he was like, fuck, I'll go do it. And then like, she gave birth and then one day he was just wearing a suit and he like left the house to go to the fucking airport. His kid was born like a week ago and I never saw him again. Wow, wearing a suit because he was like, oh, my son's been born and I'm going to go with me.

Baby's on a touristy formal. My question is like, did he mistake? Like he was like, this is a very important event in my life. What else has been important? Court. I don't know, man. I guess he just had one suit. Like, I guess, you know, he's your father's son.

He's like, why is he dressed so poor? He always used to rock like mega death shirts and shit. Like he was, you know, I mean, these people were idiots. But cargo shorts. No, mother, this must be some kind of mistake. Aiden, have you ever lived with any other colorful types he said, setting you up for a story? Oh, I feel dirty even telling the story now. My show, I'll just pitch my show.

So Edinburgh's over. If you're going to be in Perth or Adelaide or Melbourne sometime in the first third of 2018, come and see my show, The Abisham Flat at one of those three festivals. It's about a guy I lived with who was a con man. He told people in our flat that he owned the flat and they thought he was the landlord. So they gave him the rent and he took their money. I wrote a blog about him every week in secret and he got a rest of a fraud. So not wanting not wanting to spoil your show because anyone listening to like we basically

how this pod came to be is we came to see your show. Yeah, well, actually that's slightly unfair. So I met Aiden because we were gigging together in Eastbourne. Yeah, I had a very romantic time wandering around the worst town in the UK. Yeah, it's like that's like English old people. That's our Eastbourne list. English smack heads and like Romanian men who have been desperately missold. I come to country to make a better life, but this is shit.

It's worse than Romania. Yeah, no, so it was okay though. There were like eight people there. Yeah, we had some fun. Yeah, really good time. We did a terrible gig, but yeah, it was good. Man, I've got a paid set offer in October. It's 10% of the bucket of what I assume is an equally poorly attended gig.

There's not going to be any money in a bucket. You just get a timeshare in a bucket. You just get a small amount of a bucket. Yeah, I hope you get at least a handle or the bottom because the rest of it's useless. Well, it could be a small plate, like a curved plate to put like a baguette on, like a trench, like a trencher. A trencher? Yeah, like a Tudor plate, but they're made of bread on it.

Is it? The Tudor people used to eat, used to use like stale bread as plates. They used to eat the bread at the end. Was there a rating list for this podcast that I'm... Oh, did you not get the required rating? God, he's probably not even got through the karma sutra. This is where we take our clothes off. We do know we do.

You're really going to need to lube up for the second half of this. We saw Aidan's show and it's great. We stood up all the way and I hate standing. So the fact that I enjoyed your show is a credit. It was so good. I started with a standing evasion and just kept standing. That's right. You guys would have gone and sit in the window and then the...

Fire code fast. Yeah, something about it's not safe. In case people needed to escape half a third floor window. Which to be fair, my gigs do often catch fire because I'm fucking killing. Fire! Yeah, those fire code fascists who are the same as the Charlottesville fascists, of course. This is now off mic, but actually just it's a quick thought. This is probably going to come out at some point in September,

when this will have been like eight news cycles ago. Sure, yeah. So what I might do is I might say something like... And we're going to hear a little more about the Abarisham Flat after this quick break. We're recording again. Sick! I love... I love you, dude.

Yeah, welcome back. Jeffrey Kisses on my back. Welcome back from Jeffrey Kisses. Fuck, I love that guy, man. We've got a new character for the show. Oh, Jeffrey Kisses, man. We've got like Elon Muskanega, who's like a periodically... Oh, that sounds very...

It's like, we need to live on Mars. I think my favorite version of Elon Musk is the Elon Musk who sounds like he's about to say something problematic, but then actually walks it back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, where Elon Musk is like, the only problem is the blacks, because we really need to give them more civil rights. I mean, it's just that women have a harder time working in tech, which means that we should actually actively try to hire more of them.

Accidentally... Confusingly woke Elon Musk is a favorite. Yeah, so what we've got Aiden to do is choose a choice entry from the blog record he kept of all of the fucking madness that happened at this aberration flat with this crazy conman and black mold and dripping nostalgia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Yes, nostalgia, not urine. Yeah, not urine.

That's right. You remember one of my jokes. Thanks, Doug. And I spoiled it on the part. Oh, no, that's not the way. People will come to the show and sit and go, that was the one. I heard the urine joke. I came for the urine joke.

My jokes have come out of the dark, man. Come for the urine joke. Stay for the stench of urine that permeates the Cabaret Voltaire. I was going to say, everyone comes to Aiden Jones for the urine jokes, but they don't realize that there's a lot more than urine jokes. Yeah, man. There's dick jokes, porn jokes. The one with the dogs.

Chlamydia jokes. Chlamydia jokes. Lots of chlamydia jokes. I really enjoyed the Chlamydia one. Thank you very much, Doug. That's my last bit of material. So what we've got, we're going to talk about just one of the episodes of this blog.

I encourage you to go check it out. We'll link to it in the show notes. The blog. Yeah, it's still up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still up. Yeah. And go check out the show if you are in.

Remind me of those three festivals. I haven't even fucking applied for them yet, but I will. By the time the thing comes out, it's Perth Fringe, Adelaide Fringe, and Melbourne Comedy Festival. Okay, sick. So tell me what the fuck happened in your hell-living situation. Okay, so just one of the blogs that isn't in the show,

so I can talk about it now, was about after Andy, I kind of fudged the facts in the show a little bit. I say that Andy. So who was Andy? Andy was the con man, sorry. Andy was the guy who was telling people that he was the landlord. So after he disappeared for the last time in the show, I say the next day the police came in.

Actually, what happened was there was about a month where the owner was trying to get the house fit for habitation because it wasn't. And then she kicked everyone out and just started with a whole new bunch of people in the flat. And for that month, I was still living there, but I knew I had to leave at the end of January. And these other guys, there were three guys,

these Moroccan guys, Aron Dalai and Anas, or something like that, living in one of the rooms. And they didn't really speak English very well. I think I saw them at AAA comedy. That's a good, that's a good. That's an Edinburgh fringe specific joke. Nice. It really sounds like the conjugation of some Latin verb.

Aron Dalai, alas. Areram, Arisa, las alis. And they, they didn't speak English very well. So we spoke Spanish together. And my Spanish is like pretty good, but not like amazing. As good as the Moroccan guys. Yeah, well, they speak Spanish in Morocco apparently. I do know who is French Arabic.

There are several Spanish exclades in Morocco, like Maria. Because fucking the Moors, right? Came up through his fun. Now I'm in my fucking element. You can't. The Moors came up and built a bunch of castles. Alhambra. Yeah, something like that.

They built a big say it people carrier. And then named a palace after it. I love the idea that they actually, they built a car called the Cordoba Caliphate. Ah, yes. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. That'd be a lovely name for a car.

Yes, the famous say at Caliphate. Smooth on the outside, rides like a dream. Fuel economy that's best in class. So these guys, one, like evening I came home and there was a guy from the agency cleaning the flat that they had hired and the agency had told him to not let anyone in. But I called the agent who I knew and I was like, oh, you know, he let me in. And then these three, these three Moroccan guys rocked up. But he, this cleaner guy didn't know who they were.

And the agency had said, if I let anyone into the flat who like isn't supposed to be there, then I'm going to get kicked out. Like I'm going to be in big trouble. But I knew these guys and we were like real cool to get like, you know, that we were becoming friends and they were on the other side of this door, knocking on it, asking me to let them in. And I was trying to say in my Spanish under pressure, like I can't let you guys in.

I have to call the agency and this cleaner standing behind me telling me not to let them in. And they started screaming and fucking yelling and like, ah, brother, you know, I was for like all in Spanish, like, you know, I was for three weeks and all this shit. And they fucking kicked down the door of the flat. It was so fucking stressful. Having heard your show yesterday, that flat's doors were always. Yeah, they got kicked off the hinges a few times.

The last thing I did is his main expense. He was like, you know, the door repeatedly. They should have just bought a new door. I don't know, man. It was almost like it was like a dummy door that was made to be kicked in, like in the set of a play. Was it a Japanese flat with like paper sliding doors? Oh, I imagine.

Like you burst through like his Johnny and the shining or whatever. And took your shoes off very politely. Because Johnny always takes his shoes off. He does. He might want to murder you, but he's very, you know, he doesn't want to track any dirt in. Yeah, exactly. The greatest thing when they came in, like I still,

I just got home. So I had my jacket and my bag, my backpack was still on. And these guys are like yelling at me. And then I kind of slumped down in the door frame and was like, oh my God, what is my fucking life? And was like trying to cry, but like I couldn't cry. And then they kind of come down, but they were like, one of them was like, why don't you let us in?

Like fuck you, man. What the fuck is going on? And one of the other ones was trying to calm that one down. And then the third guy just like, this is so nice. He went into the room that they all shared. And he took out a prayer mat because they were Muslim. And he just went into the kitchen and like face mecca and started praying.

It was really nice. As you know, he was praying for your demise. That's like the block twist. Like the next week I got Chlamydia. Please, I'll turn this man into a pillar of salt. The Muslim God has a wrath unknowable. Is it pillar of salt? That's quite more of an old testament.

Yeah. That's a, and I was like, I'm not doing that. Aiden's my boy. I'm just giving Chlamydia. The essence of that, the essence of being a good ally. It's being a good, you know, compromise. A good ally. Like allies really well versed in new leftist theory.

Like identity theory. That'd be pretty sweet though. It's actually been like, there was like a typo early on in writing the crown. It actually was ally. Really, it was just ally was really into, you know, like identity politics and yeah. No, of course, any politics is pretty neat.

So that sounds like a very fucked situation. Also, the other thing I've been wanting to ask, I know where Amersham is. Where's Abersham? Oh, Abersham Road was the name, the street the flat was on. It was in Doulston. E8 to LN. Oh, right.

The post code, if anyone wants to go there. 39 Abersham Road. If anyone wants to go there, could you please go there and collect my bank statement so I can have the bank send me a new card when mine runs out next year? Oh, yeah. Because I don't have a fixed address in the UK and I can't get a bank card without one.

So do you live full time in Australia now? Yeah, yeah. My visa ran out in August 2016. Oh, so Youth Mobility Visa? Yeah. Yeah, I was on one of those for a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's a harsh mistress that Youth Mobility Visa. Yeah, man. I was going to marry my housemate Rosie, who lived with me in that flat. We were going to get married for a time. That was a serious plan of us like, fucking, we were going to do it in the summer and we were going to get a thing,

like get like a little church and have a party. And that was, I was like, because she's a citizen and she agreed to marry me if I paid for like a party and it was just going to be fun. But it was like, they can fucking ask your family and they'd like get statements from your family to say that you've been together. And me and Rosie went around London taking photos together.

It was like a way of proving that we were a couple, you know? Made a sex tape, you know? Yeah. HMRC can't actually demand a sex tape. You can actually shoot. Can they demand a sex tape? Oh yeah, they can. Actually, really?

Yeah. Why would HMRC demand a sex tape? To prove that you're not like, I actually claim tax deduction on the amount of sex I've been having. I expense lubricant and ride it off against my income. She is my wife, but she does demand a small fee for a time. And also she sees other men who demand a small fee from their time as well.

That's how we pay for the wedding. She's an accountant. And she charges by the hour. It's very above board. It's very above board. Below board is extra. Yeah, the naked accountant. So wait, could I, what was the process of you actually

going house hunting that led you to the Flat and Averageon Road? Oh, nothing whatsoever. I'm a lazy idiot. That's why I lived there. And that's why I lived in that fucking awful vice warehouse as well. Because like I, when I moved to London, I'd moved to London. Idea for a brothel name, the vice warehouse. The vice warehouse.

Very correctly. God, Milo's just patenting that right now on his phone. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. No, I'm texting the guy that I'm staying with because I've got his key and he's coming home. What a dumb cut. He listens to the part, Shazad Azzaq. Definitely.

Yeah, Shazad Azzaq has actually saved my life this week. Laying me, like, like, Zach has basically really let me live in his flat to a much greater extent than the extent to which, like, we are friends. Like, so... We're friends before, you're friends now. It's the start of a beautiful thing. It was a beautifully well-constructed sentence.

I really liked that. Yeah, it was so, it flowed so well. It was, it was so beautifully. You could probably have, like, a family of six living in it. He was one of those. I think he's, I think he's applying a pay-at-forward principle. I think he's stayed on some sofas in his time. Sure.

And he feels that this is his karma. He's finally kind of elevated himself to the, like, status in society where he can have people sleep in his place. Yeah. Like, I've had fucking couchsurfers with me before, but I don't live in nice places, so I don't feel like I've got a lot of karma out of that. No, maybe.

Although, when I'm couchsurfing, I will, like, I will live fucking anywhere. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got lucky with this place because it's really nice, but, like, yeah, if it had been, if it had been, like, a hovel, I would have still been like, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. When I first come to this country, Scotland.

So is that almost underlie kind of the psychology as to, like, why you go and see a shelf and you're like, fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because I love a shelf. This is what I deserve. I'm a shelf. I'm like a dusty old book.

This is my leather bound as in bound to become leather. Oh, yeah. That is, that is very much another stage. And you're going to wear your skin. Yes. That's what I want. That's the next year's show. Another stage in the life cycle of an Australian

spending so much time in the sun over the course of your life that you become leather. You become a bag. To be fair, that's what, like, the kind of joke is about, like, ladies with all the fake tan and stuff on the Gold Coast, which is like the Australian Essex. And it's like their skin is like handbag leather. Like, you can't tell the difference.

I thought the Australian Essex was Australia. Oh, wow. That's, now you've heard my feelings. Um, no, the, the pros and the cons. I say, lovingly, lovingly prodding Aiden with my foot. Which you somehow removed the shoes off. Nice. I used my hands.

It was very conventional. I'm actually from Essex. So I can say that. Yeah. You sort. You sort. Well, I'm from, I'm from like the Essex London borderlines. Well, my family are all Londoners.

Like they're all from central London, but they just moved out and decided to raise me in God's own hell. Which is Essex. It's like, it's a place where people like people are rich, but dumb as fuck. Oh my God. Which they wouldn't understand what that meant. No, they would not.

That would be not. But you are German. Shut up. We have fucking German. And I've got like a bright white Range Rover that says like fucking, what the number plate is like something really expensive, but nonsensical. It says like babe on it.

I know it'd be very expensive, but not sensical. Like, like what? Like, like, like Gucci daughter. I saw one the other day. It was a fucking Range Rover driving. It was near Epping tube station, which is where I live. And it said B nine gay. So like the guy's gay, but he's not threatening.

Like what the fuck kind of like B nine gay? Maybe maybe it's like a, like there's that, there's that anti, anti muscle eight cream called Ben gay. Could be related to that. I was about to make a chess joke, but I realized that chess boards don't have B nine on them. Do they? Gay to B nine.

Like a guy who's really into chess, but he's also like, he's smart in chess sense, but dumb in that he calls people gay. Chess piece like minces over to the other chess pieces. The Bishop inches closer to a pond touches it threateningly. I didn't. I shouldn't have said that about bishops. You know, because it's interesting because gay men should never be associated with the pedophilia that's rampant in the Catholic Church.

You know that that's all I thought you were going to say, because gay men should never be bishops. Well, no, my opinion is no one should be bishops. Yeah, sure. Yeah. And no, but that, that, that is true. It's a, it's a lazy joke. It's a lazy joke.

I don't think that's a joke. I don't think I don't think it needs to be a joke if it's just true, which is that no one should be bishops. Right. That's not a lazy joke. That's just true. Yeah. That's a truth.

The church should be dissolved. Hell, yes. Henry the eight dissolved those. Dissolve them. Oh, what's something? I should be allowed to marry Anne Boleyn. Eisenmann. It is a man's right in America to marry Anne Boleyn.

Your majesty, what is America? It's America we've heard so much about in the news potchments. In the fake news schools. The fake news MSM, but it's like, it's like. So Walter Riley of CNN is here to see you, ma'am. My lady. Just like play them into the court. God, I've had, I've seen, I've seen some shitty living situations in my time as well,

that I've moved almost moved into. Oh, yeah, go. Yeah. At one point I also was looking at one of these warehouses, but it was clearly like an active trading warehouse. Actually, very recently. Riley had a zero-hours contract. He made friends with some Romanian guys.

They still, they still WhatsApp. You can sleep on fork with that. Jeffrey kisses. Jeffrey kisses. No, I went in and like the bed was just a mattress that was held up by some old filing cabinets and stuff. And they were like, we don't really have heating, but there are space heaters. And your neighbors are active currently trading warehouses that mainly take the copper out of

stuff. Where was this? This was in Hackney as well, close to Hackney Central. Oh, wow. Oh, right near the fucking membership flat. Yeah. Fortunately, I live near their London fields as well to anyone who wants to stalk and murder me. Fortunately, I was rescued by finding a much nicer place.

Ah, yes. Thank goodness. Yeah. Riley, Riley lived in like a sort of like American psycho style luxury flat for a while. Oh, really? Yeah. For a long time. It was like, it was like full on like it hadn't been decorated since the 90s,

but it'd been decorated in a very like lavish, like pro financial crisis way. Early to mid-2000s. Yeah. My theory is that the banker who bought it redecorated it. Like he had a, like a, it was huge. It had two balconies and shit, a pool table with red felt that was matched to an accent wall that was also red. That was itself covered in black light paintings of strippers.

Oh, my God. You had a sterile coal calendar. You lived in this place. Yes. Who are you? That's fucking awesome. Yeah. And it was, it was, it was mostly open space.

And so we, we had like, we were able to have like giant parties unless you're my state agent listening, in which case we never did that. Yeah. And it all now is fine. That shit. But yeah, it's true. I moved out into a much nicer place. Fuck.

Like when the anti-capitalism moving from luxury flat to nicer flat. No, I want, I want, I like to think that maybe the absolute boy as much as it's like less, it's, it's, it's less like gauche basically. Yeah. Did so the banker, what decorated that? And then in two thousand and eighty threw himself off the balcony and you moved in straight after only hope so. No.

And then he just stopped renovating it. So the entire thing now stands as a kind of living memorial. Yeah. It's like Pompeii. Yeah. Exactly. It's like, he's actually just like a fucking rock in the corner. Yeah.

And the guy's like covering his face. Fossilized. My name is Bantamandius, lad of lads. Look on my flat, ye mighty, and come up to my room. It's like, it's like a fucking ID card from the bank. It's like fossilized. Yeah. His little lanyard.

Lehman Brothers. Good thing I bought this on credit now that I work at Lehman Brothers. It was owned by the Lehman Brothers. But the whole thing was like crumbling and had problems with, like not crumbling, it had problems with mould. Certain elements of it were falling apart. Like there was a fridge that just didn't work that was being used as a cupboard, but it had all these trappings of luxury.

Upcycling. Why? Okay, sure. So like it was a it was a husk. And so it was like nice outside, but you kind of tap it in itself. That's why that's why I loved it. I was able to live in a metaphor. Yes.

It's beautiful. For society. Delicious. Oh my God. That's why it's like this weird thing in Moscow where like Moscow property is nowhere near as insane as London property. It's like comparatively dirt cheap. Do you know where Milo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll let it out. Yeah, we had a whole car drive to discuss this. Regular listeners of the pod are aware that I live in Moscow. But yeah, that's like, so Moscow is like relative to Russia, what London is relative to the UK. It was like the insanely expensive place to live wherever on move. But like it's nowhere near as insane as London.

However, like Russia's just do not give a fuck about like if somewhere is inhabitable to live. So like a mate of mine went and viewed an apartment where they had converted the kitchen into an extra bedroom. This was like the first time that like the estate agents had like renovated it. And they were like, there's no kitchen. I'm like, you don't need kitchen. You can order food from take away.

They're like, this is there's not even a sink. This is insane. They went into the bathroom and there was like a huge fucking oil painting hung on the wall. And they were like, why is that there? And he said like, no reason. He's like, why? Why is there a massive oil painting hung on the wall? And they're like, no, just for decoration.

Like no one does this in a bathroom. He's like, no, no, no. And they started to like look behind it. He's like, no, no, no, no. Then the estate agent, they managed to get him out of the room. They look behind. It's like a huge fucking hole in the wall. I'm a fucking cheap oil painting in front of it.

So it was literally a load bearing painting. Yeah, I thought you were going to say something about like it was stolen and they were hiding it there or something like that. Well, it's the perfect place to hide it. A flat you're giving tours of. In Russia, there are really strict rules about doing renovations in your apartment because like Russians are so fucking insane

that they used to be problems where like people in an apartment in the middle of like a fucking 10-storey apartment block would just knock out a supporting wall. They'd take the whole building with collapse. This used to happen all the shitting time. Some guy is like, ah, but Roger's doing some renovations in his apartment. Yes, you can see him there in the window. Oh my God.

As I will think fucking 9 11 style collapses. But 9 11 style because it was destroyed from the inside. Oh my God. George Bush knocking out supporting walls in fucking Khrushchev. One of those guys on the basement floor just wanted a bit of extra room to play 10 Pym bowling. We still can be oligarch. What's a stock trading scheme if you don't have a 10 Pym bowling thing

in the lobby? Absolutely. The people living below. It's like constant like. Oh yeah, the guy upstairs has his own bowling alley. We think he may have taken out a supporting wall. We call it apartment roulette, but it's getting very good. Listen to that.

Those pins. Oh, that's a spare. He's getting better. I did a much better pin crashing noise than I thought. I thought that was good and better than any of us gave you credit for. Yeah, I might work on that further. Now you have to write a joke about bowling. Oh, cool.

So speaking of which, have you have you checked in on our number one listener? Our human hashtag content factory and the final segment of every episode of this trash future of ours. Fucking sick. Hang on one second. Oh, fucking sick, mate. So I decided this week to. So this is a segment we do every week.

Yeah, I'm really excited. Steven Seagal fact of the week. Okay. Because Steven Seagal is the gift that keeps on giving. Sure. Steven Seagal's Wikipedia page is longer than it has any right to be. This is so long every week. It's a good like 15 iPhone screens.

It's really. So I decided this time to like the awards and nominations section caught my eye. God, yes. The only award that Steven Seagal has ever been nominated for. He's been, he's been nominated for like about 10, but they're all the same award. Which is the Golden Raspberry Award, which is that one for like the shitest film. He has had no nominations, not even a Golden Globe or like one of the shittier like, no, it's a daytime Emmy.

You don't think like like under siege was going to get an Oscar or or Sniper special ops. So what he's what he has been nominated for is a worst actor, worst picture, worst director, worst supporting actor, worst actor again, worst picture again, worst screen couple. Shed with his guitar. Worst original song shared with Mark Colley for the song fire down below and worst actor again, but the only time he won it was for worst director, which was for on deadly ground in 1995.

I'm deadly ground was really bad on deadly ground. It's a song about rising sea levels in Bangladesh. Is it really? No, I think it's about him being a I'm an ex CIA special ops karate commando. I've been sent behind enemy lines to kill the Arab Chinese taken Liam Neeson's Children prisoner. I've never I don't know on deadly ground. It's not that's not a CIA one.

That's the one of the other kinds of Steven Seagal movies. That's he's a mercenary who's seen it all one. Nobody's like X CIA FBI, Navy Seals, the Delta Force, SAS, British Queen Army. The problem is karate, you know, but have you see have you seen on deadly ground? No, I've not. You know who's who is the opposite number in on deadly ground? Michelle Pfeiffer.

What's your guess? Oh, Britney Spears. Jeffrey Kisses. Michael Caine. Michael Caine. Oh, Michael Caine. In the 1990s, Michael Caine taught like this. No, it's only supposed to liberate the hostages.

Steven, I want to give a quick shout out to Australian comic Ben Russell, who has a bit where he does an impression of Michael Caine as the character Chewbacca. And it's phenomenal. And I won't even attempt it because it just won't do it justice. I'm struggling to conceptualize what that would even be. Exactly. Allow your mind to be taken on a tour. But it's in terms.

A will link it if there's a YouTube clip of it will link it. There might be. Just Ben Russell is amazing. But in on an on deadly ground, the best part of it is because like I think Steven Segal at some point, like because this is an 80s action movie made in the 90s, basically, is he was sort of like red at some point that in 80s action movies, like when the villain dies, it's always ironic, right?

Oh, yeah. So like, you know, diplomatic immunity, it's just been revoked that kind of shit. And it actually hasn't. He's just broken international law. Yeah. But also that's not necessarily how diplomatic immunity works. Like there are still some crimes you can commit. Oh, really?

Yeah. What are they? Do you know? Like if even if you're a diplomat, you still can't like murder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

You know, they're agreements diplomats going around, riping people going, it's fine. I'm a diplomat. So like diplomatic diplomatic. Sorry. I didn't realize I guess I'm taking one for the international relations team. So the assumption that diplomatic immunity means you're like immune to all crimes and ununpunishable by any law.

Like that's like that's the same level of truth as like, oh, you have to tell me if you're a cop or it's entrapment. But on the subject of on the subject of on deadly ground, how that movie ends. Because it's like it's like a very ham-handed environmental film and the villain Michael kind. Oh, he's a villain. Never.

That's like putting casting David Attenborough as the villain. I'm going to make I'm going to make sure that they look similar. We're now observing Steven Seagal. You'll know how he moves. Yeah. Incredibly ungainly. So no, so so Michael K. No, he was he was still young Steven Seagal. Observe how he touches the thugs lightly on the wrist and then they do a backflip.

No, so so Michael Cain, the villain, is kicked into a vat of his own oil. Oil that's been made from him. It's been squeegee'd off in painstakingly over years and years. I only I only get the first pressing Michael Cain oil. You really it's a little more expensive, but you really notice the difference. Well, the thing is, you always you think you buy extra virgin Michael Cain oil to cook with. That's better for salads. You know, these normal oil will be fine.

Sure. That's Michael Cain oil that was extracted before I turned 12. Oh, but when you put when you put the real virgin Michael Cain oil in your tomato sauce, that's the real stuff. Just like a mama used to make it. That's the scene in Goodfellas where they're cooking in prison and slicing up the garlic with the little razor blade. Oh, yeah.

My favorite is the Godfather one where it's like, hey, Michael, come over here. Let me show you how to make pasta for 20 people. You might have to cook for 20 guys someday. I do remember that scene. I just watched the Godfather recently and the Godfather two, not three yet. Godfather two is good. Godfather three. I actually found the first one.

I like the first one better. But how's this? Me and my friend Blake and Melbourne watched the first one together because we fucking just started living together and we were loving it. And we told people we were going to watch the second one. And another friend of ours bet us that we wouldn't get. We were like, we're going to get up at like nine and watch it. And he bet us 10 bucks that we wouldn't do it.

What an idiot. What a stupid bet. What happened? We both got up and watched the Godfather and had a great morning and made 10 bucks each. So you were paid to watch the Godfather? We were paid to watch the Godfather. I'm a professional. If I write a review of that, I'm a professional film critic.

You're a professional watcher of the Godfather. Yeah, at this point. Yeah, God, can we switch jobs? And I've only seen it once. So one of those shit articles get on like the Metro where it's like, looking for a new job. These guys in Australia get paid to watch the Godfather. And it's always like, actually they don't.

But that's always the conclusion. It's like, in Japan, you can get paid to stroke cats. And it's like, no, one guy got paid to like sort of stroke a cat one time. And the Metro is desperately on a bet because like, you know, fucking the cat had a weird disease that was contagious. Hey, but you wouldn't touch that cat. You're like, totally touch that cat. And now the guy has one arm.

But it's pretty funny. But hey, you made 20 yen. Yeah. Hey, all right. 20 yen is 20 yen. Anyone got any more for any more on Steven Seagal? Worst director, but 10 time Razzie nominee. Well, I don't know.

I don't think I was going to say that before. I don't think I've seen Steven Seagal in a film, but I'm really bad with faces. Oh my God. No, you would remember this. Go to your Seagal. Because Steven Seagal shouts out to come town. Steven Seagal is one of these actors who like one of these

actors we hit so much about who was sort of became an action star for basically no reason and then famously just got fatter and older, but in proportion to that he also got crazier and more grandiose. Steven Seagal is your parents, but he's a film star. Sure, but this gets fatter and older. That's like he genuinely believes that he's in like an Aikido master who was taught like by a mysterious Japanese stranger.

Like he pretends that his he's so good at Japanese that his English is getting a little. How you say shing pie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Oh, wow. So he's so the the whole thing of because I never knew who Steven Seagal was.

But he really did live in Japan and like study. But his English is still basically fine. He pretends it's bad because he was just always bad. He just speaks like a fucking the whole thing glimmer man is the whole thing with Steven Seagal that he's like crazy. He's like so crazy in the public eye that it's compelling. That's what that's exactly why we that's exactly why we check in with Steven Seagal every episode.

And he says does he have like a social media presence that he like embarrasses himself on regularly? You know, just in the regular media, he's always like doing a photo up with like Putin or like he's much beloved in Eastern Europe. Yeah, he was our fact of one of the episodes recently was that he's been given Serbian citizenship and the Serbian government has had him train the Serbian special forces. It's like the Serbian special forces like yeah guys you're getting

training like oh who is it going to be? Is it going to be like other special forces or like you know some fucking like insane like Krav Maga dudes or like no no it's Steven Seagal. It's like a fat old guy who was in it's like but what was he in? He was in On Deadly Ground. Oh my goodness. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Steven Seagal on the first on January 20th 2017 tweeted three no four times. Yes. Congratulations to President Donald Trump. Oh my days. Wonderful speech. So grateful and proud finally so sorry so grateful and proud to

finally have he's English is bad. He split his fucking infinitive. A president for digit for the people at real Donald Trump. Even right the thing is even if you're a fucking Nazi even if you're a goddamn Nazi that speech was terrible. Like Donald Trump's speech was just incoherent dog shit that was poorly delivered. Maybe Steven Seagal and Donald Trump sound like they're always spewing

incoherent dog shit because actually they speak the same secret twin language. Oh shit maybe Donald Trump speaks Japanese. But this thing comparing Donald Trump to Hitler is a compliment to Donald Trump because Hitler was at least good at making speeches. Yeah. Famously amazing. Donald Trump can't fucking get a sentence out without saying like well

actually everyone agrees huge trend is because I am actually the president of France agrees. Yes. The liberal media. Yeah. So. All right. So from the trash future family to your family.

We hope you find a nicer home than Aidan has in London. And have a cutting good day. Yeah. I feel like I've come off really stupid on this podcast. No you've been great. You've been great. It's been really fun. You've experienced the post-candidate challenge.