TRASHFUTURE - TFOTY Gives Back

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

Britain has a serious need for Agony Aunts. Whether it’s a mundane or bizarre problem, people are out there asking for advice on issues such as: racist party guests, children who hate them, how to divide their expansive estates, border stones, and other completely bananas issues. This week, Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Olga (@rocknrolga ), spoke with musician GFOTY (@gfoty) about to help these wayward souls, these Jacobs Rees-Mogg, these Rods Liddle. Surprise, surprise -- the solution often involves Katie Price. The closing music is a cover of Blink-182's 'All the Small Things' by GFOTY, and you can get it on YouTube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwV8FdzOOLM&feature=youtu.be VOTE for TF in this poll and stick it to the stuffed shirts in the British podcasting establishment. https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/vote If you like this show, sign up to the Patreon and get a second free episode each week! You’ll also get access to our Discord server, where good opinions abound. https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture *LIVE SHOW ALERT* We’ll be performing once again at the Star of Kings in Kings Cross (126 York Way, Kings Cross, London N1 0AX) on Thursday, May 30 at 7:30 pm. Get your tickets here and return to the podcasting basement! https://www.tickettext.co.uk/trashfuture-podcast/trashfuture-live-30052019/ *COMEDY KLAXON*: Come to Milo’s regular comedy night on May 8 at The Sekforde (34 Sekforde Street London EC1R 0HA), This show also starts at 8 pm and features  Radu Isac and Phileo Huff. Tickets are £5—sign up here: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/smoke-comedy-featuring-radu-isac-and-phileo-huff-tickets-60314057971 Also: you can commodify your dissent with a t-shirt from http://www.lilcomrade.com/, and what’s more, it’s mandatory if you want to be taken seriously. Do you want a mug to hold your soup? Perhaps you want one with the Trashfuture logo, which is available here: https://teespring.com/what-if-phone-cops#pid=659&cid=102968&sid=front

Yeah. Anyways, there's a recently a nude has surfaced by surfaced. I mean, I showed it to everyone without permission and it was a picture of my ex-boyfriend sucking on my titty. How'd you guys feel about it? I was pretty sexual and big actually, I didn't realize that if someone's constantly sucking on your titty, it makes it look bigger, so I'm just gonna have to do that all the time. I'm constantly sucking my dad's titty. Yeah, it's like you can get yourself and it's like who, why pay all that money for an enlargement

when you can just use a hoover. Or just have a guy with a very small mouth suck on it. What my titty lacks in overall mass it makes up for in lengths. And it's time for Trash Future. Where's this gonna come in the week? Who can say, beginning of the week, end of the week, who even knows if the world is over yet. However, we're back in the basement. It's me, Riley, you remember me from every other goddamn episode.

I'm joined by Olga. Your dad comes sparkling water. Yeah, she loves Sam Pellegrino and just getting your nudes out in public. Alec, this is your chance. Hi Alec. This isn't even Patreon sponsored, is it? Yeah, we'll see what Nate does. Hi Alec Fullerton.

Think about you, boo. Alec Fullerton is like a 19-year-old that I met in Glasgow who loves Trash Future. Oh, nice. And now I shout out to him any chance I can. Every dang time. Every time. Milo on the boards. Hey, it's me.

It's me, your boy. I'm just really concerned at the thought of sparkling cum now. It's pretty burn, wouldn't it? Yeah, oh no. Pop rocks in your mouth. You take off your pants and it's like... What, common pop rocks? Sit your dick in pop rocks and then suck it.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah, people do that. It's sexy in there. I thought that it stopped at cocaine, but you could... No, sometimes champagne as well, apparently. Yeah, no, absolutely. Oh, wow. It burns.

It's like I've absolutely done all of those. There are mementos on my dick. I don't know what... Dick is a straw. The dick is a straw for drinking cum out of the balls. Wow. I used to know a barrister who was representing Moe, while they were suing a company that was making Moe and MDMA t-shirts,

which I think is unfortunate that they had to get sued, because that seems like a fine t-shirt in my opinion. They got sued. Yeah, they got sued. Fuck, I'm going to get sued one day. We're all going to get sued. And with us, I'm imminently getting a lawsuit and just loving some salt and vinegar crisps on Mike.

It's the girlfriend of the year, GFOTY. Hi, guys. How's it going? It's me. Oh, yeah. Right now. And so GFOTY is a pop singer. I discovered her through association with PC Music,

which happened for a while, which I've talked about a lot in the podcast, trying to yell at you all to listen to it. But she's now doing her own thing. Let's try it. She's doing like a whole horror movie energy looking for the boys next door. Exactly. Yeah.

Where is that boy next door? Women going their own way. That's what we do. It's like a permanent, almost happening, gone girl. Very cool. Yeah. Wow. I didn't think of it like that.

You've made it. Yeah, exactly. Sick. Now I'm going to sue you. Now you're going to frame Riley for your murder. Is that why we're here? I can frame you all, yeah. Because I'm here for it.

Okay. Please don't frame me for any murders. I have so many podcasts to do. I have enough real murders to worry about. Yeah. I mean, I have got a lot of pieces of paper in my room framing other people just in case because it always needs to be someone who's done it.

So you just need to write a whole little passage about that. I never leave the house without a bag of blood just in case. Just in case. Always. Catch up if you can't afford the same blood. Exactly. Exactly. It's like making a murderer over here.

You might meet a thirsty vampire. Look, before we get into giving back to the community, because that's what it's all about, in my opinion. Folks, folks, that's a serious point here. Honestly, hey, we have a lot of fun here. We have a lot of fun here with TFOTY. We also are all about giving back. It's the trash future of the year.

That's great. I mean, and the trash future of the year is once again, trash future. Thank you. Oh, God. I don't imagine we would ever win that. That would be the award that the golden mic would be. Well, the award would be the golden mic.

Sick. The golden mic for services to trash future. And once again, the award goes to trash future. No, I can now reveal to the listeners, we have ordered a golden microphone. It is. I've never been more excited about anything ever than podcasting into a golden microphone,

especially talking about socialism. I'm going to take a picture of me talking about socialism into a golden microphone, and I'm going to send it to Kristen Nemitz at the IEA every single day. Every day. Every hour. Every day.

We're like basement DJ Khaled. They don't want you to have a gold microphone. Buy your mom a gold microphone. Buy your whole family microphones. And that's how we're going to do. We're going to do that. And it's going to be great. We're talking gold microphone and like gold diamond ring

or like a golden shower. Most of all, we're going to start with a microphone made out of piss. Somehow. I love that. That'd be great. Or for when you piss to announce. It's like.

Guys. It records the sound of your piss. In this case, it's a microphone that is gold plated with a kind of metal. It might be a fake metal. I'm not sure. But I'm reasonably excited about it. Exactly.

Were you getting Amazon? You'd have to ask Nate. Nate sent a message to the WhatsApp group that he finally got the fourth of the mics mounted to the table. And it's gold. We pulled the gold off. And it's not even a real microphone.

It's a chocolate microphone. It's actually chocolate. TF has not actually been recorded and broadcast to listeners ever. These are just, it's just Snickers. We've been talking to Snickers bars for months. And we're all paid in chocolate coins. Right.

So before we, before we get into it, can you tell me who this mysterious boy next door is? I mean, there is a boy next door in every single one of us. Looking in the mirror, you're a boy next door. I'm not looking in the mirror right now. But I mean, if I was, I would see myself. But that's also you right there. So everyone is a boy next door.

But specifically, it was this one guy who was seeing who looked like Jacob Rees-Mogg actually. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't see it at the time. Jacob Rees-Mogg. Because it was him. I didn't realize.

And now it's the time I see him. I say seeing, I meant manning. Yeah. And also it's like, oh man, every time I go out with him, he always sends me a bill. It's actually it. Like, no, it was not.

Actually he did pay for everything, which is very good. But then he dumped me. So actually I wrote my whole EP about him, essentially. But I realized that coming and talking about the boy next door is that it's not just one person. Yeah. It's wherever you look. He's everywhere and he's not a good guy.

The boy next door is not a good guy ever. No. He's not. He fucks you over. I was thinking this was going to be a positive thing, but no. No. He won't suck your tits. No.

Or if he does, it's not good. He won't suck your tits. He's never going to get him all the way in. No, no, he wouldn't even try. He could barely even get his lips around your really long tits. He wouldn't do that. I asked him to like finger me once and I had to ask him. And we were seeing each other for like six months.

And then when he did it, it was rubbish anyway. But then he washed his hands for 15 minutes straight after. What the action? That's boy next door. I am. 15 minutes. I am. He was scrubbing away 15 minutes after.

What is he scrubbing on? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. He's seen it. I love it. I love it. What does he think?

It's a vagina. I don't know. No, but that's really horrible. That's crossing over and not like, oh, he's grossed out. He's like terrified of DNA evidence. That's terrifying. That's terrifying. That's an embarrassment.

No. So boys next door, they're everywhere. They're in parliament representing summer chat. Summer chat. He's a time traveler. He's agreed to leave no trace. They're wearing two monocles. They're all over the place.

Two monocles. Wow. No, we're not. Separate prescriptions. Look, you could just connect them, but no. No. So that's who that is. And I mean, we've all fallen in love with boys.

And I don't know if they're girls next door, but at least conceptually. It's a gonic store as well. It is. It's always a gonic store. You come in pairs, don't you? I mean, well, we just have to get them together so they can stop harassing the rest of us. Thank you. That's the mission.

That's the main case. TF, now a dating podcast. We're here. We're trying to find the archetypical both, unite them so that the rest of us can all just get fingered and get our tits sucked in peace. Thank fuck. And but before that, we have to help like everybody else. Okay.

Let's see that. So what I've done is I have gathered some of some of the people who need the most help from all four corners of the internet. Okay. I was surprised why you invited me on this episode, but now I understand. I'm fine, guys. I'm fine. I'm doing really well.

This is Agni on column and she eats a poke ball. How is that? Delicious. Is it? What flavor? All flavors. Yeah. And quinoa and spicy and it's delicious.

It's addicted to white girl shit. I've been washing my hands for the past 15 minutes. That's the bubble tea. It's coming on his dessert 20 minutes later. Wow. Seriously. Having a bubble tea delivered separately on its own. Can you suck my fucking dick?

I actually, they offered it when I was ordering it. I was like, I might as well do it for the month and I'll cancel it next month. Oh, so you actually do have a separate order of bubble tea all route right now. Nate, delete all of this. I want to be of the people. But of which people? Well, let them eat. Okay.

That's what I say. All right. So look, I wanted, I was thinking, do I ease us into these implied questions from around the internet? Do I ease us in gently or do I just like fully boy next door style at a pool party, push us all in for a prank for, for make our friends laugh for make our friends laugh. Make our friends laugh. Four.

Make our friends laugh. You know what I mean? So I'm going to do four of our friends. Making all of our listeners laugh. I'm starting with the spectator. Okay. We are helping. So first we're going to help.

So Britain's most psychotic board middle aged people, all of whom seem to have multiple castles. Love it. You know how you can spot one of those? His erections has lasted for over four hours. Whoa. Damn. Question.

I run a village book club. A new member who has moved here from London is highly intelligent with lots to say and somewhat domineering. We are not a sophisticated or brilliant bunch. Whereas before we had a causally undemanding and harmonious little club read this back data. This is real. We are now starting to feel out of our depth and that newcomer has brought in an unwelcome

element of competitiveness. It is a small community and nobody wants to be unfriendly, but two people have already dropped out. And the rest are looking me to sort this out. Help. What can I do? He's insisting that we read these new intellectual books like Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

What book are they reading first of all? Do we not know about that? No, no, no. We have no idea what book they're reading, but we do know that whoever's come, someone has come in. Unwelcome intruder. Has come in. They've just smarted it all up with their brain science.

And now they're ruining the cozy village feel. Interesting. This is the first book club where just every week they read Tan Tan Okong. They're really upset because he's come in and like. They're going to have to change the book, obviously. Obviously. I said this is to change the book. Gossip mags.

Gossip mags. Yes. That's the way to do it. Just get a fucking gossip mag. I imagine that the smart person who came in literally just walked in and like flip the book over so that it's not upside down anymore. And now they're having to contend with the sheer power of the prose of My Story by Katie Price.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Milo. I think you'll find it's called Being Jordan. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I'll confuse you with My Side by David Beckham and other literary classics.

Oh, wow. Check that one out. These are two that have to be. Have to get. Look, are they married to other people? Sure. But there are two people that I think for the future of our country have to be put together. They've got to be put together.

Always. Like honestly, it's the late 90s and early 2000s had had its winners. It had David Beckham. You never really see anymore who's now. He's about. Yeah. He's about. You're just not reading.

You're reading spectator too much. Yeah. I just can't stop reading the spectator. Damn. But who's I think who's I think whose wife might have outstripped him in fame. And then you have Katie Price. Yeah. Who now appears to be dating like a 22 year old abs guy, but is always having a psychotic

break on beaches. Yeah. Always. But now she's terrifying dogs. Have you seen the most latest? I have. I have not. I look.

What? I'll be honest with you. She's turning to fireworks now. That's her latest thing. I usually try to keep up with Katie Price content. Yeah. But I've missed this most recent thing. She just had to sell her dog recently and also give up Harvey, which is very sad.

One of her dogs. Harvey is the same guy. Is it a child or an animal? Well, it's both. Okay. So her son. No, no, not it's both. It's too separately.

She became very aggressive and started beating up other dogs. So she just had to give him to the pound, which is very, very sad. That insisting on protection money from the other dogs. Well, so she had to give up her son because he was too aggressive and was giving up shit. But anyway, she's ruining her own life in a big way. I don't like that. It's kind of acceptable with the dog, but less acceptable with the child. Because isn't her child just disabled?

She's like, I have to give him to the disabled kids. Wait, where is the kid now? He's in a home. Yeah. No, no, no. He's doing good. Conclusion, conclusion. Village Book Club.

Get Katie Price as your newest member. Absolutely. It's going to be way more fun. Perfect. She's going to say, maybe she'll stick her dogs on the, on the intellectual Londoner and then balance will be returned. Okay. So we've helped one person.

I love that these are the same people though who are always like, oh, these people from London, they think they're so smart. Well, they don't realize is I went to the University of Life and then actually someone from London shows up at their book club and they're like, we can't understand all his big city words. What the hell is an oyster card? It's so confusing. Yeah.

Oh, that reminds you of everyone turning point did that big, big meme where they were like, this London trendy socialist look and it's just like someone with a hat and an oyster card. That's pretty trendy though. I like trainers. It's like, damn. Oh, they're wearing trainers and taking public transit. Oh God.

It's so cool. No one in London ever talks to anyone on the fucking tube and that's the problem. Okay. How remember that guy that kept on giving out pins that said tube chat? Oh my God. No, it's look. I've been talking about my tube. I'm looking to have a conversation about my tube.

Look, all I ever wanted was to have it was to talk about the various kinds of tubes that make up the piping of the city of London. Exactly. No, it's as someone who's moved here from North America about eight years ago, I have been contending with all of those. Whenever people say North America, they always mean Canada because I'm not going to say because Canada is not appreciably different from America. But like, I still can't say America.

That's really leading. So I'm in a difficult position. The question is, why can't you say Canada? Well, because it sounds like it's specific to Canada and not America. I guess where I moved from is specific to Canada and not America. Anyway, beside the point, I've had to contend with this for like the entire time I've been here of any time and frequently, especially towards the beginning, like I would just get talked to by Americans and then they would hear my accent and then be like, ah, we can

talk to him further and all of his attempts to shut down this conversation are probably not real. Why don't you just try and sound as Canadian as possible? How do you do that? Go and note for a rip, are you, bud? Yes, exactly. I could have said that. Oh, good.

Part two is arrived. What is this conversation about? Part two is arrived. We have bubble tea. Oh, what flavor? Passion fruit. Passion fruit. I got it right.

Did you already say that? No. You just have a talent. All right. So we have a girlfriend of the year for a reason. Hey, boys. Don't enter the competition if you can't identify a bubble tea from like 20 feet. All right.

So I wanted to switch gears a little bit. There are more spectator questions to come, but the other people who I think need to probably need a little bit of advice are the CEOs of the fastest growing private companies in America. Because they've written into INC or Incorporated Magazine, a magazine about being incorporated. Oh, I'm getting interviewed for them next week. Wow. But for the Russian edition, we'll make fun of it on the podcast. How the CEOs of the fastest growing private companies in America start their mornings?

And I think these people... Oh, I bet it's normal and sane. Yeah. It's probably real regular. Number one, Eric Garrett, the Garrett companies. Number 10 on the INC 5000. Eric Garrett. It'll say what a man.

It sounds like a cough. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. It's not the case of the old Eric Garrett. Sorry. It's Eric Garrett. I very much treat the INC 5000 as a bucket list for myself. My weirdest mornings happen.

It's the next of the world's most successful squids. 30 under 30 squids. My weirdest morning habit is actually starting to text and email people around 4.30 a.m. when I wake up. You're still up. It takes me someone at 4.30 a.m. being like, would you like to open a restaurant? I think it would be great. Look, what if we had a restaurant with no staff but just had iPads on little Roombas?

All the food is served on shovel blades. I think we need Katie Price in this situation, basically. Oh, absolutely. Spoiler alert. Katie Price is probably going to figure in a lot of these answers. Yeah. Okay. I think most people would tell you it's strange to receive texts and emails from me at that time.

Greenwood, the Indiana-based real estate developer admits, but for the busy CEO, making time for correspondence, even in the wee hours of the morning is vital. How could Eric... A spritz of his veiny dick? Is this normal? Is this normal? Is the answer made?

Please, it's been harder for more than four hours. They're like, sir, this is the Time Warner Tech support online. Oh, my God. Is this normal? Yes or no? Correspondence just makes you think of he has all these children writing him letters thinking he's Santa Claus or something, and he has to respond to them all. Absolutely.

Well, he's a real estate developer. They have a busy... I think a lot of real estate developers probably are busy sending 4 AM texts to everyone they know. Of course. Absolutely everyone. The same email as well. Same one. And it always starts with, I respect you so much.

I'm very pleased we're friends. And then it has a business idea. It starts with you up. Yeah. Okay. It's one of the two. You up or I respect you so much. He vacillates between the two, I suspect.

All right, so... All right, pads for birds. You in? How can Eric Garrett get more normal? Jason Statham voice would have a very different connotation. So how does he get more normal? How does this man get regular? Jesus Christ.

He seems like he's having a bit of a mental breakdown, to be honest. Is he married? Do we know if he's married? We just know what he said to incorporate it. You're not married if you're writing it for 30 years. What's his question? I just sound like he's showing off. Well, no.

What's the idea? He has to take my line. I've inferred a question from this. How can Eric Garrett get more regular? So he doesn't actually want to become more regular himself. He just clearly needs the advice. Interesting. Change his name, because a rhyming name makes you novelty.

You're not going to get anywhere in life if you've got a fucking name which rhymes. Very, very good piece of advice. Well, so, I mean, Eric, he can't be Clapton at someone else. Yeah. Yeah. Eric's Stanton. Eric Price. Yeah, he could get Katie Price on board.

Not Eric Price, though. Yeah, but that's, I think, the main thing, because I reckon if I had a name like that, you feel like you need to be novelty constantly. Yeah. So that's probably the reason why he's doing it at 4.30. But even if, because there's always this video saying if you're a 5.30 a.m. kind of guy, you'll get further in life. So he just needs to basically shift his whole life by an extra hour and he'll be fine.

Also, his name is Eric Garrett, which is ridiculous. But knowing the names of American CEOs as I do from doing this podcast, I'm almost certain there's at least one other guy on this list who's called Garrett Eric. Oh, certainly. Oh, man. We have Jimmy Buffet, Warren Buffet. This list has just one fun name on it. Okay.

Okay. So, Eric Garrett, your solution is Mary Katie Price, take her last name, use your wife as a way to get regular and sleep in an extra hour. Selling the rest of our children. Yeah. Yeah. You can do that. Absolutely.

I like that because whoever meets the two of you will meet Katie Price and they'll be like, she's bonkers and then meet you and they'll be like, oh my God, you're the most normal person I've met. Exactly. In comparison. That's it. Thank you. Oh my God.

You figured it out. That's like I like to make my tits look big and by dating guys with tiny mouths. That's so clever. Why haven't I done that? I love to make my tits look big by dating an eel. Katie Price is going to the doctor. I want you to make my tit longer. Next one.

Next one. Okay. This is number 431 on the Inc. 5000. Okay. So, we're going a little down in the world. That's hard. How can he rise up? I usually read a Wikipedia article or watch a YouTube how to video.

Justin Quinn, natural force says. He's on like wiki how, like how to survive an ostrich attack. Yeah, yeah, wiki how. You never know when you might need it. I have a goal to learn something new every morning before I start working says the co-founder of the Jacksonville Florida based fitness supplement company. Prove it. Every morning I do research into getting fucking jacked.

Look, I, I like to, this is, this guy is two steps away from being like a dark enlightenment YouTuber. He's like always looking up the Wikipedia summary of like Machiavelli's the prince and like going into his mind palace to sell more vitamin C. Every morning I read an article about someone from history who was ripped as shit. Every, every day. Today Achilles. Meanwhile, his co-founder Joe Rakowski comes from the do nothing school of thought.

I like to walk outside, around outside in my bare feet. Is that the end of it? No. It's a separate issue. It's, it's the two ways you can spend a morning. It's the two different choices that are mutually exclusive. Okay. You can read a random Wikipedia article about a strong man or like a college book.

Yeah. Or you can walk around without shoes. Yeah. Perfect. My piece of advice is brush your fucking teeth, you dicks. What are you doing? Stop reading Wikipedia and bought some fucking Colgate. Yeah.

Also, I just, I also love like just outsourcing all of my education. This, again, this is absolutely a Florida based fitness supplement company owner thing to do. Florida man. He's a Florida ass man. I'm a Florida ass man. And that's the, that's the kind of thing that I, that I like to do, right? To become a mega genius by clicking random article on Wikipedia.

Yeah. And then walking up to the next woman I see and explaining it to her as though I've known it for years. I think that's what all men do though, isn't it? Oh yeah. Yes. Exactly. Because I have tried to do that before and tried to come up with that knowledge.

And it just, it never flows very well because then you always get asked about the next section. You never have time to go back on to wiki how to figure out how to, because you're too busy walking around your bare feet. I'm always in my bare feet. I tried to go on to Wikipedia. It just doesn't work. I caught my toenails this morning just in case I was going to get in there. I only, I only have a used to computer using my bare feet to keep my hands free for doing

business. To be fair, that whole list of things is like shit in college. When I had one night stands, I would tell guys I do in the morning afterwards. Like we'd fucking in the morning, I'd be like, I just love the feeling of grass on my bare feet. It's so complicated. Do you want to go get brunch? I'd be like, no, I'm bad news.

You don't want anything to do with me. I have to go read Wikipedia. You can't have a conversation with that. I'm busy reading this Wikipedia page about Attila the Hun. Anyway, if you were wondering, that's how you get successful in business is just by reading random Wikipedia pages and owning a vitamin company in Florida. Finally. Yeah.

I must be so successful in business by now because I've read most of Wikipedia. And he doesn't own any shoes, ladies. How can Justin Quinn get above number 431 on the Ink 5000 of the richest private company owners in all of America? I thought he was already telling us how successful he was. Wasn't he with that? Yeah. But the next guy is number 10.

He's number 431. He needs help. Okay. So he should probably start wearing some shoes, but not, you don't want to, you don't want to wear the shoes which cover your whole feet, but maybe the ones which are like the sock, you know, the sock shoes. Yeah. You can still show off about it because he's obviously getting quite far ahead in life,

not wearing them. But the next step. Nude? Yeah. Exactly. Pain of nudes. Yeah. Just to throw people off a little bit.

Yeah. Absolutely. I think that's a clever, clever, clever idea. Next up. What can you do? Maybe change job. Yeah. Change everything about your life slightly.

Just a bit. Yeah. Because people don't really get into vitamins anymore, do they? No. No. He's going to keep slipping. Brain pills. Neutropics.

Interesting. Pills that make you smart. Like Alex Jones type of shit? Well, because those people already try to go build a mind palace by reading Wikipedia summaries of like Pericles or whatever. So now he just has to like combine his two passions of like reading half paying attention to shit on the internet and selling vitamins. And instead say the vitamins are going to make you smart.

That's clever. That's very clever. You've come up with that. You've got the answer in that one. You know what? No Katie Price involved in this one. We're saving her. No Katie Price.

She's busy. She's got a marriage. She's in a book club. Yeah. She's in a book club. Imagine how much better Alex Jones' vitamin business would be going if he was reading a Wikipedia article every morning. Okay.

Number three. I do calf raises when I brush my teeth. It's the only exercise I get. And this is from Kylie Nichols who runs Nickel and Suede. Okay. What does Nickel and Suede sell? A jewelry? It can't be.

Surely not. It's too easy. For this busy mom and jewelry business owner, committing to a morning run is a bit of a stretch. So she squeezes in a workout when she can by doing calf raises when she brushes her teeth. Okay. So what does she want to know? What's she asking for?

I think she's asking you how to scram in more exercise. Oh squat in the shower. Yeah. Squat in the shower whilst brushing your teeth at the same time. That's all you need to do. Why do you have to get the comment? Oh yeah. I'm sorry.

You do have to do that sometimes. No, for sure. And you can use that to think of new jewelry ideas, of course. What is a squat raise? I'm sorry. I'm not from America. Oh, that's what it is. So she just needs to go squat, raise, calf raise, squat down, brush teeth, maybe bite.

Have you ever seen in service stations they've got those toothbrushes which you chew on so you don't have to do your arm at the same time. At the same time you can do some pull-ups. That's so funny. That's amazing. Sick. Yeah. Nicolence Wade no longer a jewelry business, now sells a home gym and bathroom vanity.

Exactly. Oh, and by Katie Price is workout DVD, of course. That's a given, isn't it? Nicolence Wade, collab with Katie Price. A chewable toothbrush. It's a home gym. Yeah, a chewable toothbrush. It's an oral hygiene solution.

Yeah. Workout jewelry. It's a shake bag. It's workout jewelry. And the come out as well at the same time. It gets the come out. It's a social media feed. You can post to your friends.

It's an app. It's social. It's local. It's future oriented. It's green. Oh, wow. That's perfect. Damn.

That was good advice. Fuck yeah. We started this doing irony. Now I actually believe in us. We're all psychologists. We're all accredited psychologists. He just took his shoes off, guys. I've read upwards of five Wikipedia articles.

I'm ready to start our psychology business. Every morning I just have to feel the feel of podcast basement beneath my feet. No, we're going to trash future. No, trash future. No longer called trash future. It's now called officially accredited psychiatric facility. You can come in here and we can like talk through your

problems and maybe brush your teeth and give you a workout. Ask if there's like any community dealt with. Can we do a Yankee candle that smells like a podcast base? Wow. Oh, come on. Okay. The podcast basement smells fine now. Now is doing so much heavy lifting.

It did smell actually very nice when I walked in there. Peak behind the curtain. It's a sentence that tells a story. It's saying it smells like urine. Now I'm going to open up the curtain. Our old podcast office used to have an uncapped sewer pipe in it that we noticed after a very short while. Stop like I'm saying that.

It's next door and it still does have an uncapped sewer pipe in it. So we moved into this admittedly better one without an uncapped sewer pipe and a lot more space. So I think we're moving up in the ink 5000. Yeah. What? Hell yeah.

And you know how we did that? Reading Wikipedia. Always. At least once a week. Here's the next one. And this is from Mike McKenna. Who's from Diamond Assets. Okay.

At least once a week. We'll sit around the table and have breakfast together. Now no one does that. Incredible. That's where he's fucking up. Thank you. That's exactly where he's fucking up. Before we go on.

Does anyone want to guess what Diamond Assets does? I was going to say something to do with teeth maybe. You know, shining teeth. Rest enlargements. No, no. Bond trade. No, you're all completely wrong. It's electronics refurbisher.

Oh, bloody hell. That's where you're going wrong with a name like that. Yeah. Don't refurbish electronics. Just throw them away and buy new ones. Exactly. Why are you refurbishing them with diamonds? Do they just bedazzle?

Your fault still doesn't work. Yeah. And also, by the way, this is number seven on a list of the largest private businesses in America. Wow. A Wisconsin based electronics refurbisher. Capitalism is so incredible. Wait, what's this guy's name again?

Mike McKenna. That's where Gary's going wrong though. That's it. Mike McKenna. Yeah. He's got to become number one. Number one, he's got to become brother husbands with the first guy and Katie Price.

That's how everyone's. Yeah. So property brother husbands. Number one. Brothers, but their husbands. Number one, you're now called Mike Price. So hosting a weekly... Name the price, Mike.

Hosting a weekly breakfast for the company's more than 40 employees fosters a great sense of community. Quote, I view our company as a very close kind of family, says McKenna. What kind of family has 40 people? No, you don't want that. Irish breakfast. There's a lot of eggs.

There's a lot of eggs. It's called Mike McKenna, to be fair. Too many eggs. Number one, too many eggs. Probably not. Yeah. Yeah. Too many.

Probably no vitamins. No. We get all of these people on board together. Are we doing a Florida? Are we doing a Spanish armor? Yeah. Are we talking smoke, salmon? I can only...

40 people? What are you? A minute of money? The other morning, I stayed at Riley's and Riley made me scrambled eggs and he was like, Do you want some caviar on those? And I was like, Riley, it's 8 in the morning. Who...

That's taking the out of context. Who here? Host of Socialist Podcast. Raise your hand. What was the context? What was the context? What was the context? You having caviar in your fridge?

Was that the context? Shut the fuck up. Just wait until we get into this. Just wait until we get into this sleepy bad material. Over the baguette. Well, I think Mike McKenna's kind of gone off scot-free. And though, Mike Price, gone off scot-free in this one because now we're a bit distracted.

But Mike Price, number one, change your name. Number two, stop referring to your company as a family. It's weird. Mike McKenna, damn me. I have a vibrator for you to fix. Don't worry. I'm only your step-sy. And every time you know, if someone said,

I don't think of it as a company, I think of it as more of a family. They've definitely busted a union. This is a family. Oh, yeah. Anyone who's like, yeah, I feel a real close bond with my employees. I run an electronics refurbishment in Wisconsin

called Diamond Assets. This person has always, allegedly, made sure that all of his employees vote for a fascist and never unionize. For sure. Oh, God. For the family. So, advice to Mike McKenna, marry Katie Price.

The same advice the first guy. I mean, he needs to give his advice. I feel like he should be giving us advice really. I mean, where's my breakfast here right now? How about this? Start a real family, Katie Price. I think he's gone. Yeah.

Yeah. They can leave his employees alone. Very clever. Let them unionize. Stop giving them breakfast. Give them a union. Oh, I got you a load of those no-show breakfasts from the union.

Okay. Oh, man. There are two on the 5,000 from David Barnett of the company Popsockets. Oh, I know what they are. Popsockets drop it. Wait, what? I know what they are.

What are they? Oh, they're like a thing on the back of your phone. Oh, my God. Popsockets. Oh, that's clever. He must be rolling in it. He doesn't need help. Because it's not needed.

Yeah. Their cost to make is probably just minuscule. Yeah. Yeah. What's his name again? David Barnett. David Barnett. And he says, every morning,

he puts butter and olive oil sandwiches with a smoothie and green tea. You put olive oil on a sandwich? In a sandwich. That's the filling of the sandwich. His implied question is, how can I suck less? How can he suck less? How can he suck less?

First of all, just can that fucking breakfast. You don't know like a normal person. I don't know. Honestly, all of these people have fucked up mornings. It really is. He needs to be showing off about that. So why is he want to suck? I mean, that's pretty fucking beautiful, isn't it?

He's literally running the world right now on a tiny little circle, which you put on the back of your fucking phone. He's showing off about the food, but also he wants advice. I don't think he needs it. No, he doesn't. He doesn't.

If anything, send me a free popsocket. Yeah, exactly. It's the only reason he's gone on there is to show how fucking good he's doing. I'm gonna put it on our dick. What? You could put it on your dick. Okay.

Well, hang on. It'll be easier to hold because it's so big. It's a foregrip. What would that accomplish? He held it like an assault rifle. What would that accomplish? Putting a popsocket on your dick? Yeah.

Exactly. It means a girl can hold it with two fingers. Yeah, no, it's easy to do a hand job. It's a hand job. You can really... You can show your... You can hold it because it's very tiring giving a hand job.

It is. You can use it as a stand. Yeah. So a girl can suck your dick. She's blowing into one of those long swish horns. Exactly. They have a little stand on one end. That's so clever.

That's probably the reason he made it. I put dicks in microphone stands before I suck them for sure. Absolutely. That's clever. It's hands-free for business. We're moving on from the private business owners, all of whom seem to own jet ski dealerships

and vitamin retailers and electronics, the dazzler. We're moving on. Moving on to the big man, Jeff Bezos. He's just gotten divorced. We're going to make this the cover art of the episode. He appears to be put in a robot that is the size of a small building.

That has arms and legs and stuff. Amazon have finally built a Gundam, guys. Yeah. How can we convince him not to kill us all? He's not going to kill us all. If you're inside a robot that big, you're just trying to look threatening. There's no way he's going to do it.

There's no way he can even fucking... He won't move in that thing. Who's directing it? You can't move. It's fake. Are you? The robot may look threatening, but it's only programmed to love.

He's just trying to threaten us. He's just like a big business man. He's a pop socket guy, but inside a machine. This robot comes right up. We don't need to convince him it's not going to happen. He's got a real robot. Not a chance.

It's like robot wars. It's just not going to happen. Absolutely. It looks fake. It looks like anime with him photoshopped into it. What's he wearing as well? A robot. It's ridiculous.

He's wearing... No, but the robot's wearing him. What's going inside there is not threatening. Just everyone being like, Jeff, why are you naked? And he's like, I have to get into the robot naked because it's an outfit.

What would you wear? Two outfits? Do you think I'm insane? Somebody will do wear two outfits. What are you wearing? Steve Bannon? I'm not going to have you all laughing at me for wearing two sets of clothes.

Because he's dick's flopping out. This is what happens when you don't laugh at people's jokes. They have to go do this shit, okay? We don't need to worry. We just don't need to worry. We don't. We don't. Well, if he...

Yeah, the way that he's not going to kill me is that I'm going to be like, oh my God, you're the funniest guy I've ever met in my whole entire life. I'm playing some vampire weekend. He's got a dick. He's got a dick. He's got a dick. Oh no, he has got something.

Next time I'm doing stand up and a joke bombs, I'm going to be like, that's it. I'm building a Gundam. It's decided. On your head be it. People. Yeah.

And then the spectator read an article about you. Like he was such a nice boy until one of his jokes bombed. Then of course he had to build the Gundam. I know exactly. Build a racist Gundam. Oh God. Yeah. Okay.

So we're applying bear rules then. Yeah. He's more afraid of us. He's way more afraid of us. Than we are of him. Yeah. So you know when you're walking down the street, I don't know if you have this as a man.

Are you a man? What does Genevieve say? We don't know. He's never walked. He's never walked. I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I'm a boy.

It's past eight. And I feel like when I walk down the street, I need to walk in the middle of the road. Like where the cars are and walk like a robot essentially, just like that. To become threatening. But we all know that I would never touch anyone. Because I just start pissing myself instantly.

So that's what he's doing there. He's pissing himself. Taking up space. Yeah. Exactly. That's way. So he won't kill us. Here's the new thing.

Here's what we actually need. We used to say that feminism was you have to assume every woman's a doctor when you meet her. Now feminism is give every woman a Gundam. Exactly. Yeah. This is why I show every woman my dick and say, what's wrong with it?

It's a compliment. I assume you're medically qualified because you're a woman. I'm sorry. I know this looks like an unsolicited dick pic. I just assumed you were a urologist. Excuse me for feminism. Wow. Okay.

There's a little bonus advice for male feminists. If you're going to be like horrible, just assume every woman's a doctor. Exactly. That's it. Exactly. And it's like... And let me give you that prostate exam.

Okay. Okay. So, Jeff Bezos, just... Jeffery Kisses. Yeah. Jeffery Kisses, just stop being so afraid of letting your staff unionize. You don't need a robot.

Women need the robot. Yeah. Because he talks to stuff. That'd be pretty cool. Feminism was when you gave every woman a gun. You don't need a robot. Exactly. Okay.

We're also going to help Rod Little get over his weird thing about Ariana Grande. Okay. Let's go for it, Rod. Because he's got a weird thing about Ariana Grande. Can you put on an accent for Rod, please? I only... I don't know what Rod Little's accent is.

Figure it out. I'm assuming... How about this? Robot. Robot accent. Robot, Rod Little. In this world, Rod Little had a Canadian accent. Okay.

Yeah. But you don't have a Canadian accent, so you're going to put one on. Go fuck me. Go fuck me. Okay. Sorry, that's Canadian for okay. Hey, pal. Go fuck me.

Because I'd like to fuck you. It's weird this hasn't come up before, and it's coming up now in this weird confrontational way. But would you like to fuck? Look, Milo. Okay. So, this is from an article Rod Little wrote, reviewing Thank You Next for the spectator.

Okay. Wow. Also, I'm sorry. Go fuck me. Go fuck me. Go fuck me. Go fuck me. Competitive in sales.

Reviewing Thank You Next for the spectator. Correct. Yes. Rod Little reviewing Thank You Next for the spectator. Wow. Where are you, Rod? Who does a review of a single song? The album...

It's reviewing Ariana Grande's Thank You Next stuff. It's a review of Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande is number one everywhere you look. The UK, the USA, Australia, Ireland. Hell, you hear... On my list of women I'm sexually frustrated about. Hell, you hear this stuff and think to yourself, Christ, I have to escape.

Don't know why, but he does. Christ, I have to escape in this Gundam. Maybe to some glassy you're in the far north of Iceland. Or to the wolf-infested lower slopes of the Tatra Mountains in Slovakia. So, he's been doing some Wikipediaing. Okay. Yeah, exactly.

He's going to be a business mogul. No, sorry. It's number one in those places, too. Face it. You have to go to Iran. Wolves love Ariana Grande. I mean, that's the only logical conclusion. I'm so lost.

For swear alcohol and infidelism, anything to avoid this mind-sapping rot that Ariana Grande wants your children to buy. My guess is that they'll only buy it if they're thick and tone-deaf, but then that's quite a few of them, isn't it? He's an incel. No, but it's really annoying because none of this shit is new.

This happened with Britney Spears. This happened with Madonna. The phenomenon of a female pop star is like centuries old. What the actual fuck is happening? Like, why are you acting towards a young woman singing? Is this the first woman ever singing? Wife to the spectator.

This is insane. God! This is insane. Rot Lidl still hasn't gone over the degenerate music of Vera Lynn. We'll meet again. This is drivel. You can't play the troops this.

They'll lose the war. We have to go to Iran. Rot Lidl is just very afraid that we're all going to think he likes. If he's terrified, we're all going to think he likes Ariana Grande, and that we're not going to respect Rot Lidl as the intellectual titan that we do, obviously,

because he listens to girl music. As he said, who he does listen to, has he talked about any female artist he does like? I'm going to actually look up what Rot Lidl... I'm sure somebody's going to like how that... What music does Rot Lidl like? Wait until Rot Lidl finds out that George Michael was gay. That's going to be a hell of an article.

How are you treating the phenomenon of a woman singing a pop song as like a new groundbreaking thing? He hasn't got kids either, has he? He's trying to... He probably has kids, but they hate him. Do it little, surely. Just do it little situation.

My mouse child. I had to give him a way. I had to go live on a farm. Let's see. Oh, hang on. He got too strong. Songs are very uplifting songs. It's good for children, isn't it?

It's showing you that if you do get rejected at school, you could just carry on and get better grades in a different situation. It's not about sex either. It's about getting a bad grade and just doing better in it. Yeah, exactly. Preteen pop was never much cop,

but compare this to the monkeys or even vanilla ice. And I just have to say, Tehran awaits me. Get your visa now. He's comparing Ariana Grande to the monkeys and vanilla ice. Yes, correct. She's in her 20s.

How is she preteen? You can't dance. She's literally 26 or 27. Matt. Who says she's preteen? I think he's saying it's four preteens. It is it? So basically...

But vanilla ice and the monkeys won four preteens. Exactly. Rod Little is just really afraid. We're all going to think he's a 12-year-old girl. So he has to performatively hate on Ariana Grande in the spectator. I'm sorry.

Are you telling me the wiggles are better than Ariana Grande? Maybe that's possible. Yes. I'm second of all. There is no second of all. The man is bonkers. The man is bonkers.

He's absolutely bonkers. That's it. Is he beyond help? That fucking robot suit. This is mad. Even Katie Price can help. Katie Price don't even talk about it. Katie Price in a robot suit

could not help Rod Little. Can I do a side note about the wiggles? My friend worked at a venue in Boston where they were doing a matinee show and their writer included Sirach Vodka. Amazing. Sirach Vodka. They're just big fans.

P. Diddy's brand. For the wiggles. They're just big fans of DJ Khaled. Yeah. For a morning show. They celebrate success, right baby? Maybe that's it. Maybe Rod Little just needs to get

like a little more Sirach Vodka and he'll chill the fuck out. Or maybe he's has too much. Maybe it's too much. He needs to change his vodka consumption in one or another direction. But also maybe he just has to wear a big t-shirt that says

I am not a 12 year old girl. And then he'll stop writing these articles. He needs to start waking up at 4.30. Hell yeah. The trash future live show writer. It's just a gold microphone, some Sirach Vodka. And a t-shirt that says

I'm not a 12 year old girl. Exactly. I can't have people making that mistake. I've lost out. I'll have one out. Look, I'll have to... I'll just... I'll delete all my Jackman articles.

I'll start writing for the spectator. I need to clear it up. Exactly. Okay. So, we're also going to help Brett Easton Ellis get his relationship with his boyfriend back on track. Okay.

Because... Oh wow. You know, I've recently discovered that it's a little bit... A little bit tumultuous. Brett, this is an interview. I did not know a single person growing up who was afflicted with 20 different allergies

and needed to carry a badger onto a plane as a security animal. I see these kids today in oversized sunglasses clutching a poodle with a little yellow security tag. I even know people who have them. I feel adrift and disillusioned by what's going on now.

I'm looking at it, I think fairly clearly and thinking it's ridiculous. Nothing interests me about millennial culture. The only rightful accessory is Infinite Jest, the book. Yeah, that's it. Maybe we need to take the advice of Gen X and just start walking around with a copy

of less than zero in our back pocket. Some people are like, what's that? We can be like, oh, you wouldn't understand. Wearing a suit, comparing business cards, doing cocaine and murdering people. Yeah. Absolutely. We just all have to act like characters

in Brett Easton Ellis novels. It turns out Nihilism was the way forward. Wait, did Brett Easton Ellis write Infinite Jest or is the other guy? Sorry, no. I just know nothing about Brett Easton Ellis. Okay. Oh, less than zero.

American psycho guy. Wait. He thinks Nihilism. Less than zero guy? I remember reading that shit. It's horrible. What's less than zero? Oh, less than zero.

It's literally about this like, it's literally a carbon copy of Catcher in the Rye, but maybe like 50 years later. Yeah, it's what if Catcher in the Rye like did drugs and fucked in LA? And was in LA, yeah. I was getting too intellectual for me. I don't understand why.

I don't read books. It's too intellectual. It's literally like, there's nothing creative about it. Boy next door book. It's a boy next door ass book. Yeah. That's pretty deep.

Boys next door are always reading Catcher in the Rye. Oh my God. And then pretending to be really deep. Yeah, Catcher in the Rye is kind of boring. That makes me so upset. Yeah. Sorry. No one's actually read Catcher in the Rye.

Everyone's only just what read the Wikipedia article about it. It's a stupid business. It's a stupid business. Yeah. If you pick up any copy of Catcher in the Rye or less than zero, it's all just blank pages. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just for carrying around. So you can like, so when people ask what it is, you can say that you wouldn't get it. But it's just, it's just so, like you always know this thing of like, you hate the younger generation

not because they're bad people. You hate it because you're not young anymore. And like you'd think that smart people who've written books won't make the mistake of confusing hatred for the younger generation for just not being jealous of their youth. But he's so jealous that we're young. He's so clearly jealous of our fully functioning cocks.

He needs all those fully functioning cocks. Literally everyone that you've talked about today just needs each other. And that's it. That's it. That's all that's weird. That has to be your next anniversary for fully functioning cocks.

Brett Easton Ellis and Rod Little just have to overcome their hatred of the young by being friends together. Exactly. That's it. And that's all that life's about. It's actually very inspiring. Oh my God. Using the blood of the young into their bodies.

They can go to the book club. Exactly. As I'm saying everything's going to work out perfectly. They can go to the book club. Like read the bino. This is what the young do. They can talk. They can reassure Jeff Bezos

that he doesn't need the gigantic robot. They can all get ripped and get their teeth. I think all these people. Yeah. They're going to help each other so much. I've actually realized what it is. That picture of Jeff Bezos in The Giant Robot because it's so stylized.

It's very like Dexter's lab vibe. Dexter's lab. I like his sister's going to come in and ruin it all with her out on a grand day. In this case, he's just going to lose the giant robot in the divorce. Man, that's no, that's.

But she doesn't know what to do with it. Girls don't know what to do with giant robot. She's using it as a planter. That's some Caroline Callaway. I covered this giant robot in little potted succulents. In flowers that I stole from other people's balconies. And I put mason jars into both his hands.

This is someone Milo knew at Cambridge who would steal flowers from balconies. Have you ever tried to use a giant robot to make salad? It's really hard. I'm not trying to be able to make all these robot salads, guys. I don't think it's going to happen.

Okay. I can't wait. I can't wait. Okay. Look. So they all need to be friends together. Yeah. So Rod Little, Jeff Bezos,

Freddie Sinelis, just hang out. Yeah. Just hang out. Because clearly being alone and rich and weird has gotten you weird. Okay. I'm going to steer back into the spectator. I'm going to steer back into spectator hollow.

Hard to pour. Which is all they drink at the spectator. Following a lavish house party, I received a flood of effusive thank you letters. The bulk of which praised the impeccable service, the luxurious treats laid on, and my attentiveness to my guests every whim. Okay.

Was he sucking off everyone in this party? One letter, however, commenced in a fairly complimentary vein, but soon devolved into a letter of complaint about a fellow guest. So vehemently did the author express his antipathy that he covered two sides of A4. I concede that the young woman in question

is an acquired taste, but I resent my friends being subject to character assassinations. How can I reprimand the scribe? Who says the scribe? What the fuck is this? The Bible? It sounds like a book club.

The attendance of this fucking party? Like what? I mean, look, spectator readers are all various. Rod Little writes for the spectator, spectator readers. It's a source of mind that I draw on. Yeah.

So how can she reprimand someone who complained about a guest at a party that, according to her, fucking ruled? Yeah. I mean, the person concedes the ground that this guest is an acquired taste, which I feel like if a spectator writer is prepared to say that about you,

that means at the very least you're wearing a Nazi uniform. There's like the bar for someone who reads and writes into the spectator to say you are an acquired taste means that you've got some fucking abhorrent views. This guest, not only did this guest

start a new fascist party in Britain, it wasn't even one of the respectable ones. It was one of the Tommy Robinson style ones. Not good. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, they have like terrible graphic design. Oh, yeah. Oh, hell yeah.

The ones that like, I've noticed, like new fascist parties sort of come and go in Britain over a period of like sort of two weeks at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they tend to be called stuff like for Britain or like forward or it's always sort of very positive looking.

But then it's like for Britain, what are we doing for bro? It's ethnic cleansing is what we're doing for Britain. And so, you know, I'm assuming that Ann Marie Waters, the former head is the subject of this letter. So how can this person defend Ann Marie Waters from an unjust criticism because she threw it too good of a party?

Damn. This is a hard one. Yeah. I mean, I mean, I can't take back the person you invited to the party and that would be the only solution. Ring Katie Price and then everybody will miss the person before.

I think Katie Price is above this one. She wouldn't come to this party. She's busy. She's too busy. She's doing a book club. She's doing a book club. So she's got a book club that night. She's gonna have to put on that robot outfit

to build a person. I think that was Katie Price. Katie Price just kept talking about selling her children and I personally found it distasteful. Look, realistically, I think that what we have to do is we have to say what everyone does after like they're a far right figure online who's been subject even mild criticism.

And that is say, oh, sorry, you haven't engaged with all 40 hours of the Ann Marie Waters manifesto and YouTube clips, just like you haven't read all the associated Jordan Peterson text as well. But I think you fire back with, no, you just haven't done enough reading.

I think the only option really is... I only read Wikipedia articles, though. Barefoot. Good breakfast. The only option really is to whip this ungrateful guest with the cat and irons in true spectator fashion. That's a spectator-ass thing to think, of course.

Oh, it is. Damn, that's a spectator-ass thing to think. The entire point of the spectator, I'm pretty sure, is that they want to bring back more naval punishments for more people more often. It's UBI for people who've gone mad from syphilis. That's what the spectator is. Like, just writing articles about,

my children hate me and I don't even have children. I've imagined children. I've had sex with so many syphilitic... syphilitic Turkish boys that I've begun to think of. No, I take back my laughter. I've become convinced that I have children. But I don't have children. I can't back off.

I just hate vanilla ice. Anyway, the kids... Well, I think he's still a child, even though he's clearly a man in his mid-40s. The kids, they don't have any more culture, but I hate their culture. Everything they do offends me, but it's pointless.

I'm going to move to Iran. Oh, my God. Yeah. All this new culture, like, Boy George and the Big Popper. All of these symphonies they're all going on about. No, my favorite thing about this... the only music I've ever seen the spectator like

is when Toby Young talked about how he would try to clear his mind of everyone, including his kids, just constantly owning him at the dinner table, is he used to put on Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and run really hard around a park? Yeah, like multiple times a day. Fucking hell. He's the coolest.

That was quite beautiful. Toby Young's getting pastoral. Yeah, I mean, I can see that working. It's doing the thing where if you look up the Wikipedia for classical music, the first thing that comes up, and it's like, yes, that's going to be fucking me. Who runs to classical music? Spectator writers.

Yeah. It's like the worst exercise music. No, it doesn't work. It's so featureless. You can never do a calf raise a toothbrush or a... No, but it makes you feel better than everyone else around you. And I think that's the point of running. So like if you're going for a what run,

you want to look around and be like, I own this park and that's what classical music does. Because you feel more clever than everyone else around you. Yeah, the moral superiority. Exactly. So it does make a lot of sense. It's like the same high you get from curling up with a good book. Oh, yeah.

Exactly. The book people need to cut it the fuck out. Honestly, I'm very tired of the book and wine Instagram post. No, fuck off. Reality TV and like a tin cocktail. Listen, love, we're all at the Twilight saga. There's no need to show up. Yeah, I just find it with a highlighter.

Read just in my giant robot suit, highlighting my favorite pastures from Twilight. Because I need to make sure that Amazon could unionize at any point. I need to always be prepared. Reading the Cliff's notes for Twilight to make sure you got all of the themes. Looking up the Wikipedia article for some Herodotus shit. Just being like, I'm going to sound so smart at the book club. Reading that whole Terry Eagleton book about literary criticism

before tackling the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Okay, hang on. So what are they going to do? Honestly, I don't know what to do to advise this person who invited what the young woman who is an acquired taste for a spectator party. I can't. I honestly can't help you this one. Yeah.

I mean, is she up for like a like a My Fair Lady situation where they like collectively get to like do a makeover on her? What if they took de-fascistized? Like they took someone who was like too fast for the spectator and brought them down to normal fast. They like clockwork orange her. It's like a makeover montage, but they take off the iron crosses. She doesn't know that she's being too much, does she?

So everyone else, apart from the one person, you can't do that. It's an absolutely charming guest and she'd come all the way from Argentina. It was very disrespectful just because they didn't like her little like funny kind of shaped badges that she was giving everyone. Which I thought was charming. Okay. So that person just maybe stop having parties. You seem to have weird friends.

Look, look. Guys, there's a serious point here. This is now serious because this is the man who has single-handedly saved all of the British railway system from having to be good or inexpensive. Okay. This is Richard Branson, the hero of Britain. He was stuck with my titty in the beginning of the episode. Wow.

Richard Branson is a man who honestly has done like he's done nothing but good without him taking all those profits from like most of the Virgin train lines. They wouldn't have gone anywhere if he didn't have 30% of all of it and jacked up all the ticket prices. So we owe him a debt of gratitude. Yeah. Thank you. A hearty thank you.

Thank you to our salute to Richard Branson. Very cool. So Richard Branson has a bunch of new grandchildren and he has some thoughts about how to raise them well from his blog as the grand dude to four beautiful. Tom. Tom. Tom. Is the grand is the grand dude, the guy who runs like a really like

edgy stoner version of the KKK. That's exactly what I was thinking. I was like, that is still worse than Grand Wizard. No, come on. He's going to go see the grand dude. Matthew McConaughey asks the Grand Wizard. Clearly as the grand dude to four beautiful toddlers and one delightful newborn, I've been thinking a lot about the things I want to teach them.

Four beautiful toddlers and one ugly one. They teach them so they make the most of every opportunity and find fulfillment in their lives. As such, I've been reading a lot of books by my favorite author, Dr. Seuss. Shut up. No. Oh my God, this is too good. No.

Hi, Tori's a busy town. What's the fuck's up? Holy shit. Is that this? No, Richard. Sorry. He says, I told you Sam, I am. I don't want privatized health care.

But privatized health care is all we've got. So who else can Richard Branson read to develop his cannon of authors he likes other than Dr. Seuss? I think he's ready. Look, he's privatized a lot of Britain's public services. I think he's ready for chapter books. I think he's ready to graduate to the airplane security manual. It's got cool pictures.

Exactly. There are people going down slides. Yeah. He could be ready for a Brett Easton Ellis novel so we could understand the next generation. Maybe the next after him, the X or is he not anyone younger than them? Yeah. Those airplane safety cards make a plane crash look really fun.

You get a cool jacket. You get to go down a slide. You probably go down TV. Yeah. You will. You'll be on the TV right at the end. That's perfect. You get to go on a little boat.

If it's live, you can add any message you want. Oh my God. Dream. Okay. That's what he's going to do then. Yeah. He's going to think maybe he should read his own airplane safety cards so that he'll have something cool to say.

Next he goes down a cool slide. Exactly. Yeah. Easy. Okay. Dr. Seuss. I bet Richard Branson goes down a slide every morning. He has a slide that goes from his bedroom down into the kitchen.

This is a man. And he's wearing a little night cap and he's like, what's for morning, chef? What's for morning? What's for breakfast? Is he Richie Rich? Yeah. But he's just old Richie Rich. He's just like Richie Rich if he was allowed to reach his natural conclusion.

No. So this is certainly a man who is going to bankrupt himself by trying to be the inventor from Wallace and Gromit. And personally, I am here for the sale of his assets. I want to buy a lot of those slides and dinosaur skulls and the other like weird things that crazy rich people buy. Gold microphones. Yeah.

Exactly. I want more than just one gold microphone. What if I want to capture more elements of my voice? But it's just like half a Gundam because it's a massive pair of robotic trousers. Okay. No, that's who we can graduate on to. He could read the novelizations of Wallace and Gromit films. The novelization of The Fast and the Furious films.

Exactly. Richard Branson, you can get beyond Dr. Seuss. You can start reading the novelizations of all of these great films. These are actually the only people, everyone else's lives is perfect. These are the only people who needed our assistance today. Together their lives will become perfect if they just need to all meet up on Richard Branson's private island. Yeah.

Exactly. That's it. They meet each other. Rod Little going down a slide, finally understanding Ariana Grande. And I know a guy with a plane that can get them all there. Beautiful. All right. I think that's to the uninitiated.

That sounds like a Richard Branson joke, but it isn't. All right. I think that's about enough audio content for the day. My ears are full of it, Riley. I'm ready. My ears tired. I'm ready to stop talking into this normal microphone and do nothing until I talk into this gold microphone when it arrives.

You get the gold microphone when you get a hundred headshots with your regular microphone. I'm off to eat some Florida based supplements. I'm going to see some comedy. Pick up Edinburgh. GFODY. Thank you so much for hanging out with us today. Thank you guys. May six, please come to two north down to see a cock in my bead preview that I'm doing

with Jenny bead for Edinburgh shows. Thank you. You have previews of all my life. So many promos to do. So first of all, Brighton fringe. I'm doing my show. My Edinburgh show out of Brighton fringe on the third of May and the fourth of May, which I'll that be.

Is that before this? Who knows? May the fourth of May, the 31st of May and the first of June. That's in Brighton. I'm also doing the smoke comedy on the ninth of May, featuring Radu Izak and Flio Huff. And there's also, I'm doing a show at the ADC in Cambridge. If you're in Cambridge, click the Cambridge Klaxon. People are there on the 14th of May.

You're doing so much stuff. Maybe you need help. I'm also doing shows in Ljubljana on the 10th of May. Zagreb on the 12th and Osiak on the 11th. And I'm also... The Melania Trump chuckle home. Ironically, a woman who has never laughed. Because it would give you wrinkles.

And I'm also doing a show in Berlin on the 19th of May, which is a Sunday at a bar called Keith. Prove it. Which is my dad's name. I will prove it by doing that show on the 19th of May. Get a job. Yeah. If you want evidence, come to that show.

Mangelic. Oh, God. That's a... Alarity basement. That's in Argentina. Come on. It's in Argentina. And also, he's still alive and he's running a company called...

Joseph Vengel opened Mike Knight in Argentina. Yeah. Very fun. We are also doing... We are also doing... No relation. We're doing a live show May 30th of this podcast. A lot of any other podcasts.

The Star of Kings. The ticket link will obviously be in the description. It always is. You know how it is. It's Margaret Thatcher's Giggle Attic. That's right. The Star of Kings is now called Margaret Thatcher's Giggle Attic. And that's where we're doing our live show.

Whoa. May 30th. Whoa. Damn. Damn. So we're also doing a live show in Cambridge on the 14th of June. Oh, we are early. Just wow.

So many bugs this week. This is the plugiest one we've ever done. This is like... What is it called? Plugsockets. Yeah. Do you go to Margate? I'm playing a show there on the 10th.

Yeah. Come see GFODY Y and Margate on the 10th. Paris, 29th. That's it. The 10th of March. We can definitely go there. Join the rest of everyone from East London and go to Margate. Vice has been telling you to do it for years.

That's right. You know what is great? Kent. Okay, that's it. We done. Later. Let's do it. Let's do it.

Let's do it.