TRASHFUTURE - The Maze Swimmer (ft. Ahir Shah)

Episode Date: July 20, 2017

James (twitter @raaleh) and Milo (ig @milo_edwards) are back, joined by Ahir Shah (@AhirShah) in James' girlfriends front room to talk about probably the dumbest invention yet, having sex with c3P0, KFC hype, and the brief but storied reggae career of Stephen Seagal.  Ahir has a Very Fun And Good show in Edinburgh all August that we forgot to talk about because by the end of the show I had sweated through all my clothes. It's called Control, and it's at the Laughing Horse @ Cabaret Voltaire at 2 PM. Go see it, fools. This episode was recorded on July 19th. (Note the original version had misaligned audio - updated and fixed)

We need to level these out. I don't care. That's the sort of thing that's really going to propel you to the top of the charts. That level of caring for your audience. I feel like Ahiz's voice is a lot louder than both of ours. Well, I can hold the microphone further away. That's a scientifically consistent way of doing it. We tried this on the first episode and we leveled down me and Charlie a bit and it turned out that you were like crazy loud. Oh, really? Okay. Oh, yeah.

Maybe I'm like, I get louder as the podcast goes on because I've become more incensed by Stephen Seagal or whatever we happen to be discussing. It's usually Stephen Seagal. So welcome to Trash Future, the podcast about how the future is trash. My name is James and I'm joined here by... That's not his name. It's totally not, but I'm going to be going on for a while. It's a pseudonym. I forgot that I kind of work in this industry.

He's tearing it down from the inside. I might have ever said that is my real name. I have no job, nothing to be fired from. I'm Ahir Shah. I'm self-employed and honest. One day, maybe I can be self-employed and honest and reveal my true identity to legions of angry companies. We'll edit out that silence so that sounds like a rapid fire. We're leaving that in.

Basically, because your underlying philosophy is that no one's ever going to check the first two episodes of this thing and find out what my real name is. And I really want just decades from now for you to run for the premiership of Canada. And by that stage, Canada is entirely run by a tech company. It's like there's no A on the end. There's just a lower case R. Canada. That probably already exists.

I'm sure at some point, Trudeau's going to decide he wants to run Canada like a startup, just like Macron has done, and he's going to fire Quebec. Quebec is very occasionally just shouts, you can't fire me, I quit. Yeah, they could turn Quebec into a breakout area. With orange sofas and a ping-pong table. A cold one. I can't wait for them to demolish the Rockies and put up a climbing wall. No, instead of all the grain in Saskatchewan, we'll have low-carb alternatives.

You know, like Huell or Soylent. Saskatchewan just becomes a giant lake of Soylent. All right, so who's ready to see what's in my late capitalist bag of treks? Very much me. Always. So what I'm pulling out from my shopping bag today is a product called the Gululu. Right? Wow.

What do you guys think that is? The Gululu. Maybe like the old-time pop star Lulu made out of goo. It's very literal. It sounds like Google and it sounds like the loo, like the toilet. So maybe it's a way of googling while you're shitting. Yeah. That would make sense.

I wish we had that. Well, I Google while shitting all the time. Yeah. It's an efficient use of time. It's a time saving. It's for the man on the go. Yeah. Quite literally.

I think it's for the man going. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds to me like a character from a badly written children's book, you know, like the Gululu came and all the children had to be, that wasn't as funny as I thought it would be. Or like something like an old Tintin book with really strong overtones of races. Oh, yeah. It's like Tintin goes to Ceylon, which is what it's called. And that's actually the subtitle of the book.

So you're thinking that Gululu is a slur. Yeah. So you're thinking that's one of the new post-Brexit racial stuff. Oh, I figured that once, you know, we left the European Union, Britain would finally be able to strike out and really bring back some good slurs. Do you think now it's patriotic to come up with like weird slurs against the other white North European races? Well, the bloody Swedes, like they start calling them the Swindows or something.

Sounds a bit from Swindon. Yeah. Hardly, definitely worse than Sweden. So what we think this is, first guess is, is a slur or... Or being able to just Google while you're on the list. Which I wish I could. I wish I had a device for that. Being able to Google racial slurs while I'm keeping up with my daily dose of Brexit racial slurs.

I'll tell you, you guys, what the Gululu is. It is a Wi-Fi connected water bottle. Right. Why... Why does... So many layers of why. Why is it called that? It's called that because it's connected to a fantasy storybook world.

Because it's a Wi-Fi connected water bottle that tries to motivate kids to drink enough water and connects to an app on their parents' phone via the smart cup so the parents can see how much water their kids are drinking throughout the day on a minute-by-minute basis. Generally, children know to drink an appropriate amount of water because otherwise they die. That's really... One of the things that keeps me really well hydrated throughout my life is the knowledge that if I fail to do so, said life will end.

And I've never really required connectivity. But in the 21st century, it's now really unmotivating. It's like, if you don't drink enough water, you'll die. You're like... And... Good. Taking ages. I didn't know it was that cheap and easy to die.

And it doesn't cost anything. If anything, cheaper. Yeah. You can save. You don't have to connect it to Wi-Fi. You can just... You can put down a deposit on a house. You can die in.

Right. So it's... Children drink the water. Yes. And this allows them to access a fantasy storybook. And the more water they drink, the further a fish progresses through a maze. That would actually be quite a good motivator for something else. Not for drinking water, but there are plenty of things that I require more motivation to do.

Okay. And it's just going to be like, oh, God, I've really got to edit down the Edinburgh show. Because otherwise, the fish isn't going to get out of the maze. I like that fish. I want Nemo to be free. The fish is like, please, I hear you're at Edinburgh show. I've been stuck in here for many years. Do you not see the colonialist allegories of my current situation?

That would be such a good motivation to get to inbox zero. If in the corner of Gmail, there was just this fish desperately trying to get out. And I'm like, got to save the guppy. Got to reply to this admin. The water is slowly draining and the fish is increasingly terrified. You're sitting there not checking your email. Just seeing the new destiny betas come out. It feels like, please, please.

Is there anything worse than like those dudes who you look on their phone and the mailbox thing is like 5,792 unread emails? You know, if I had to pretend fish really relying on me. Yeah, exactly. So I think that this is a great idea, but a poor use. I actually, I had a check on the Gululu's FAQs and there are some gem questions here. The second one is, how do I charge my water bottle? Oh, wow.

Gentlemen, let's charge our water bottles. Having to tell your child not to have electrical equipment near water and also to charge their water bottle. It's a very conflicting message. Presumably the first question on the FAQ is, why have you done this? That's actually, there is a question kind of like that. Okay, one of the other questions on the Gululu FAQ is, what's the point of drinking water? How to have got to a stage in life where you're able to formulate that question

and yet do not know the answer is really impressive. Why would I want to stay alive? This is a marketing question. The marketing team were trying to fill up the page with questions like, what could people possibly be in doubt about? Like, what is the point? Well, they can't possibly be in doubt. It's like, what is the point of helping a fish escape from a maze?

No, that everyone's familiar with that. No, it must be terrible sense of direction. They need assistance. Why would I drink water? Finding Nemo taught us nothing else. I could hack the Gululu bottle. I could get the fish out of the maze. They're drinking the water.

The really edgy kids have like a jailbroken Gululu bottle. And you like, you help get a swimming dick out of a maze instead. It's like, the Russians have been at my Gululu. Putin's making kids drink not enough water. So are Russians high up to dehydrate America's youth? Oh, you said, I'm sorry, but if you send this into like fucking info wars or something, Alex Jones was clearly just going to be like, no, the government's going to try and make you drink all the water

and then the water's going to turn your kid into a frog. Water's got gay in it. Oh my. And then there's another question here. I think that is great that I could have many applications. My bottle is not responding when I touch the sides. Oh, we've all had that problem. This doesn't, this never happened before.

My bottle's normally so damn responsive. You're apologizing to the fish in the maze. Maybe the fish can't get out. I just came out of a thing with another bottle. I was not ready to see. I thought I was ready, but I'm not. The fish is really cool about it. It's like, no, it's okay. It's okay.

We can just like, you know, the cuddle. Is this whole thing like a grand and elaborate sexual metaphor? It's all about helping the fish to get out of the maze. Okay, here's another couple of good ones. This is, this is so great. I just kind of want it to be the whole show. We should order them in time for next week. Well, that's going to take some money.

Okay. Price is right rules. Close to that going over. Wi-Fi connected water bottle with an intricate fish game. What do we think? A hundred of your US dollar he does. I'll get 79 99. You're both under. It's $130, not including shipping.

And not including consumables like spouts. You actually get a tracker of how quickly it's getting to your house and the more water you drink, the quicker it's delivered to you. Oh, another, another couple of good FAQs. My, my spout smells funky. Once again, I asked you not to bring up elements of my personal life. Things you should go to the GP about. Six months of tap water.

When six months. Well, here's the thing for every Galoo water bottle you buy the glue more on. The Galoo company says for every water bottle you buy, we will provide safe drinking water for a child, the developing world. And they too can help fish escape. Some of these kids, they've not even seen a fish. They've never been in a maze. They can't even, they can't even conceptualise the idea that a fish is in virtual captivity on an iPad.

Folks, they're not hydrated enough. They don't understand a fish in a maze. I don't, like, it's really annoying to have an altruism that's dependent on people being fucking morons. Like, you have to, like, just help the people who don't have safe drinking water. It's not a charity. Donate. Water Raid. I've done stuff for Water Raid in the past.

Yeah, why do you need to hold them hostage? Oh, you kids better hope there are some really dumb Westerners out there. Your survival is dependent on some people buying this really stupid product. Are you a sufficiently bad parent that you can't ensure that your child drinks water, but a sufficiently good parent that you're concerned about other children drinking water? It's niche, isn't it? Here's the thing. Here's how good of a parent you are. The last question from the Galoo-Loo FAQs I'll read is this.

What if my child learns to cheat? What? What by, like, pouring it down the sink or something? Filling it with Mountain Dew. You could just, you could just dump it out. Someone called Goochie for a 2.0. Freeing those fish like it's Shindler's List. Apparently, but that's one of Galoo-Loo's core technologies is I clicked on the question,

what if my child learns to cheat? And it just comes up with this picture that says... A proprietary technology to detect water intake and patterns. Wow. So that answer is my question. You think it threatens the kids? If you pour this water out, I swear to God, I'll murder that damn fish. Oh, no.

You have no idea what I'm prepared to do, Johnny. You don't need proprietary technology to monitor water intake. It's called lifting a cup to your mouth and using fucking gravity. I like the idea that these parents are so busy that they can't monitor whether their child is drinking any water or not. Just like, God, isn't our son looking rather emaciated and dry and not moving? Maybe he's had a bad day at school. If only we had some way of knowing.

Yeah. We could ask the child, no, no, no, no, no. You can't put a chip in that. What if, what if there were an animal trapped somewhere? All right, we're going to take a quick break for a second on my back. Let's go take a note. It starts happening to like five year old kids who are just like the fucking Pablo Escobar of fish escapes.

It's Chapo who always escapes, isn't it? Escobar was just like never in jail. He was in like a luxury, a luxury prison. He built his own jail. I know that because of HBO and not having had a job for a while. All right. So I think I've been because I'm a scumbag who just posts online all day. I spend a lot of time online as we all do.

And, you know, I, the theme I run across of just dumb shit that's happening recently seems to be connected to films and the shit around films. So do you guys know that the Star Wars franchise yet more ridiculous blood squeezed out of it? Shocking. So you say it's going to get yet more bloody. How bloody was it before? We all remember when Chewbacca was decapitated. Come on.

When the Stormtroopers cut off Chewbacca's head and fucked the wound. Like, when was that? Finally, I get to see Han Solo's balls. You've been watching like fucking snuff films. Don't act like you wouldn't see Harrison Ford's balls if you could. I feel like a lot of people have seen Harrison Ford's balls. I had that dream last night, Smithers. You know, the one where they fly in through the window.

Just a big pair of Harrison Ford's balls. Not even full Harrison Ford. Just the balls. Just the balls. JTB's. Followed by the balls of short round. Mr. Jones. Why are we just balls?

I had to cut all of that from the previous episode. I'm going to keep doing it until you stop cutting it. It's not, in my personal opinion, it's not racist to impersonate short round because you're impersonating the racist impression. This is like Inception level racism. That's the Russian doll shit. We're doing racism inside a racism. If you die in a racism, do you die in real life?

We're four racisms down. In order to cover her spinning a golly walk. Time doesn't go slower in a racism, but it goes much longer ago. God, where are we right now? It's either the 1950s or Australia. I spent two months in Australia early this year. I can attest to the veracity of you all. It's just what we call the cricket team, mate.

I don't see what's a big deal about it. Stop saying, just don't call the cricket team that then. Checking that was a great ploy. The Australians came up with, what if we just name all of the cricket teams after racist slurs, and then we'll just say we're accusing them of playing for a cricket team. They'll never know. I think maybe the Australians are quite behind the rest of the world

in racism technology, because like... On analogue, they're the best. But if you've heard Australian racism on vinyl. Yeah, like American digital racism is possible, to anyone else's, but the analogue stuff. In the arms race, in the arms racism, the Washington Redskins now are completely not on. You know, mate, that's like a racist team name,

which means I bet Australians are just about to realize, like, maybe if they say it in the rap song, and I'm singing along, it's okay. You do got to eat that mic, though. You got to eat that mic for breakfast. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Delicious, delicious mic.

So basically, here's what's happening with the Star Wars thing. Disney has decided to build a giant Star Wars theme park, as we knew, of course, they would. Yes. However... However. What just happened? I don't even know...

I don't know what biological function that was. Did you... Are you human? Did your body just, like, crash and reset? Like, was that...? I think I might have... Is that from the intestine? Are you impersonating RTD too,

because of the story that we're covering? Three intrepid journalists, breaking stories. We're skipping, man. Yeah, I mean, I was just on the train coming back from Berlin this morning, like, listlessly scrolling through Twitter, seeing what dumb shit had come up, and I was like, I'm doing something important.

You got the train from Berlin. Are you peak white person? I was getting the train from Gatwick. Oh, right. Oh, yeah, sorry. I was just getting the train. Everybody can send it on, like, and put print.

Hey, we don't say that kind of language here, because it's in Australia. Okay, so what they're doing is they also have, like, a resort hotel thing that is the theme, is like, it's a crash spaceship, and when you check in, you are immersed in a Star Wars experience, and everyone around you is either an actor

who annoyingly never breaks character ever under any circumstances, or an actual robot. Oh, real robot? Yeah, they filed for a patent last April for, like, a humanoid robot that would interact with guests at a theme park. We've got C3PO now.

Really? The problem is, I'm concerned that we might just have Westworld. Again, that sounds great. Like, what? I'm unironically in favour of all of this. I don't understand why you're like... I go.

Is the Disney theme park run by the Westworld? Because it's like, it's Star Wars, but you can kill and rape them. It's like really traumatising for the kids. C3PO guy, oh, please no. You go to the bar, I'll just be hanging out the back of R2-D2. I'm going to look out the window

for Han Solo's balls. Oh, no. Oh, R2, please. That's a fantastic C3PO. And that's what he said, because that's my normal voice. This is an act. I did this for my stage presence.

Use a fucking BBA as a butt plug. I don't know where you could possibly have got that idea. So it's like an immersive theatre experience slash hotel. Presumably this is going to be like ludicrously expensive. Oh, of course. No, this is going to be absolutely incredibly expensive, and it's also going to put shit tons of people out of work

as they're slowly replaced with robots. The only people it's automating jobs away from, were the people who were previously playing robots. It's putting me out of a job. A crucial sector of the American workforce. It's not like fucking truckers or something. There are like two guys. Casualties of progress.

There are like whole towns in like northern Wyoming where everyone is a robot, a personator. This is why someone... This is why... These other jobs are going to the robots, and ASEAN AHA does a good Trump. So we could run on like a joint ticket like in 2020. It's like Trump C3PO in 2020.

I wonder if like the Trump fans are blind enough to notice a complete racial change. I think that that's the one thing that they're quite eagle-eyed on. I'm going undercover. There was just something that gave him away. And that was like Obama. I was trying to be like a Southern white American and turned into Barack Obama.

By voice similar, by ideology. Disimilar. I don't know how, but I'm just completely... I'm just completely choked. Oh, my body appears to be breaking. You know, like every time we look away, you've been benching something. It's like you're out of breath podcasting.

It's like someone should just put a picture of you with the word cock under it. I've got this new thing where I've decided that because drinking water doesn't help a fish through a maze, I've just stopped. Can't find the motivation. What's the goddamn point? If I can't help a fish through a maze

and a robot's already taken my robot impersonating job, fuck it. I wonder if that company is like, if you buy so many of these water bottles, we like help a child in Africa drink water, and if you don't, we kill one. That's like a subtext. If you don't buy a gululu, he has to go play a jawa

in Star Wars land. Before being eventually into millions and replaced by a robot. If we don't buy a gululu, we make the kid a star. A star whose job is vulnerable to automation. Oh, dear. So when can I go to the Star Wars hotel? How much is it going to set me back? Well, I'm not entirely sure when it's actually going to be open.

I think relatively soon. But they announced all this at the D23 Disney conference. As soon as they've kidnapped enough African children to staff it. It's a new economic initiative the US hasn't tried before. They're really excited about it. Dude. I'm not saying it's a bad joke. It really came out of left field.

God, that's going to be hard to cut. I don't think you have to cut it. We were discussing it. I don't think I was advocating slavery. At least I hope not. When you use lines like, I don't think I was advocating slavery. In the modern, like the arrest of development, I may have committed some like treason.

I may have committed some like slavery. That's right. Can we run that back in the Trump voice? I may have committed some like treason. It went more Mr. Burns that time. Excellent. Oh my. So, I mean, don't forget, of course,

that Disney himself is cryogenically frozen. Really? Yeah, yeah. This is true. I remember this. No. And then he was frozen. So when they cut down... He died before like they even had ice. I saw they only even invented that like 20 years ago.

Yeah, back in this global warming myth. They didn't even have it. So then they brought it back in the 80s with that cool new vanilla version. So, like, they sort of froze him in order to bring him back at a time where political discourse around him was as anti-Semitic as he is.

And it turns out that's now. Yeah, exactly. I think they probably have brought this park back so that they can do the Darth Vader like, like, vitality egg that he's in and slowly lifts off. No, I'm aware. I'm currently holding a seance to resurrect Jeremy Corbyn.

No, not Jeremy. I can't be cut now. I was going to say Walt Disney. I just can't speak. That is my main disability as far as the podcast is concerned. That's which on a podcast, which it's a pretty big disability. It really is.

You know, this is, this is an, I'd like an accessible podcast though. So we're going to try and it probably isn't. I'm, I don't, I don't think it's, it's particularly accessible. We mostly just shout into the microphone. We're recording it so far from a tube's top. Yeah.

It took a long time to get here. I've gotten, I, I, I, that luxury flat that we heard about in the first episode. I'm no longer there because the universe has figured out that I shouldn't be there of course. Yes. Yeah. Riley, you're too cool to live in a luxury flat.

Why don't you take the train to Berlin? And now I am just sort of squatting in my girlfriend's place again until the universe figures that I shouldn't have one of those either. And I'm not going to say where the neighborhood is.

It's like also like squatting with your girlfriend. You're just staying with your girlfriend. That's like a legit thing to do. It's like if someone was just like to my dad and he was like, yeah, I just been squatting at my wife's place. It's like, yeah, like she bought the house, but he is there.

It's like some weird definition that you're using for tax reasons of teenagers eating sunflower seeds, heels on the ground. I think it might be the same impetus that makes me want to go to Berlin and take the train

and whatever, which is I'm too cool to have a fixed address. I'm just squatting with my girlfriend. There's a new rebranding of the homeless. Too cool to have a fixed address. How old are you at the moment? You're like 26, right? So there's like, yeah, maybe you've still got a good like

14 years until too cool to have a fixed address becomes there's something desperately wrong in his life. I'm going to squeeze every last drop out of those years. There was one quote about this Disney project

that did kind of catch me a little bit and give me a little a little scrape of the old cynicism. Which is that the head Imagineer in charge. Imagineer. Oh yeah, the people who work at like Disney are all called Imagineers. He's got an MA

in Imagineering from Oxford. But he went to a crap college like you just do the beer and they just give you the MA in Imagineering anyway. It's like, yeah, he was at like, like Exeter Green or whatever. Besides every, because everyone always drops the engineering portion and just keeps on

the imagination portion. Is it like being a Brexiteer? Do they have a division called Imagineering where they just imagine a world in which Brexite isn't insane? I think that's how a lot of it works. Okay guys, what if France was on fire? We'd want to leave that.

That wouldn't be very good. We wouldn't want it to spread. Via red tape. So the head Imagineer has said I don't have his name because I forgot to write it down. But the head Imagineer has said that they're trying to create

an environment that this used to be a vibrant trading port back in the old sub light speed days. But now with the advent of hyperspace, its prominence has kind of fallen and faded a little bit, which has made it a great spot for those who didn't have that kind of mainstream path. The smugglers, the bounty hunters,

the rogue adventurers looking to crew up, the people who don't want to be found. They're just trying to make a space version of Liverpool. Basically all the interesting people. All like all those Trump states. Not many jobs around here anymore. We're voting for space Trump. That's Palpatine.

I want to ban on AWOX. Very obstructionist galactic senate. Very much. Folks, the Democrats and the Galaxies. We're going to get a great trade agreement. The trade federation and I have a wonderful relationship, but they'd ever never helped me collude.

The rebellion is going to pay for the wall. When they throw their big sacks of death sticks over the wall. I love that. That Donald Trump is legitimately worried about getting hit with just a giant sack of drugs. It would be a badass way to die.

If anything, that's how I want to go. While he's shirtless, like trawling cement into the wall. He's just from nowhere. Did you hear about Ahir? He got crushed by a gigantic bag of drugs thrown from a great eye.

I would just ask, is that a metaphor? Ironically, it literally came from left field. There was an ancient Greek chap who got killed by an eagle dropping a turtle on his head. I think that had a lot of fake news in the ancient world. Trump as a classicist is just using his knowledge

of ancient civilizations to be like, I don't want that to happen to me. It makes perfect sense. It's like you scale up from the ancient to the modern. A big sack of drugs is the equivalent of an eagle holding a turtle. Trump is definitely... It's basic SAT stuff at that point.

Eagle is the turtle as Mexican is the giant bag of drugs in this world view. He's not going to like that the eagle needs to represent the Mexicans. That's going to throw up all kinds of symbolic issues. I mean, look, Macedonians have been spreading fake news.

God damn. It all started with Philip the Great. When he hired Aristotle to set up a fake news website. Spreading lies that I hired a turtle to pee on me. From an eagle. I'm glad that we've finally got to the...

We've got a lot of time discussing Star Wars and that's all fine and well, but really the important thing is that the piss tape definitely exists and it's going to be released within our lifetime. Oh, yes. That's going to be great. Immortality with our lifetimes, curing death. Don't care, piss tape. I want the piss tape.

When the piss tape is really... I'm going to go to India and make sure like relatives, elderly relatives who don't really know how to use the internet have seen the piss tape because they deserve to experience that as well. I'm going to put it on vinyl. Did he do it? I would take a job

at the Star Wars resort as a jawa walk around on my knees and eventually become replaced by a robot and become homeless in Los Angeles where it's basically illegal to be homeless in order to see the first 10 seconds of the piss tape.

I would like to see a piss tape set in the Star Wars hotel. When he hires two like Twilec head tail dancers to pee on the bed. He's just there like jabber the heart on the bed. I'd put like nevertheless there were just two FSB guys

in suits filming the whole thing. They look really out of context. I mean, you know, like it was through their through Jabba that the Russians helped Palpatine become Space Emperor really cannon. Yeah. Yeah. No, of course I hacked the trade for the ration. Although

that ration reminds me of another news story I saw which is that Eric Prince, the, you know, the head of Blackwater has thought you meant Eric Pritz, the guy you call on me with the with the dancing chicks and leotards testifying before the Senate will be

God of like the 13 year old's masturbating Eric Prince now we move to your next question under secretary David getter is the love truly gone just there and doesn't speak and then all

everyone cool in America is just like whatever I'm moving to Burghine so Eric but this guy is Blackwater Eric Prince is like the King Blackwater right or whatever it's called now every time it commits a war crime it changes its name it's a good tactic

nothing to see here ink all who look a penny dot TV I thought all those questions were answered by the press release Incorporated so what they were advocating for is like that Simpsons line

where I was like I thought the cop was a prostitute international military contract so what's King Blackwater said this time okay what's he up to Fog of War so what he's saying

is that the US government should hand over all control of Iraq to a private military viceroy him is that the person who's deputy to Roy and the Washington Post just printed it as an editorial so it's

kind of like requesting the recreation of something like the East India Company and we all know can I vote now I don't remember that anything bad no it's got a nice clubhouse and everything no as far as I'm aware

is it still called Ceylon it's like the peanuts yeah it's named the same thing as that printer ink it's all the same stuff oh great so he wants to privatize the reign of Iraq privatize Iraq

because I mean if they nationalize things in Iraq they would also be privatizing it but just on a more macro level the problem is I have no memory of how we got here it's supposed to be the organizing force I think that was one of the defences of

no one at Senate hearings recalls shit like is your name Eric Pritz I do not recall I do not recall having sexual relations with that insurgent but fuck you know what I'm going to do I'm going to take a quick pause run the tape and find out exactly how we got to this black water thing

I don't know like we were talking about the Star Wars hotel and then you just brought up that someone wanted to privatize Iraq and theoretically there's a connection there was it also Disney well I don't know but it doesn't matter

I love how low ever this podcast is we're not even going to work out why we were talking about that oh no what do we look like people with like jobs this is the memory loss podcast with me oh god who am I

and we'll find that out after the break I I'm just I'm just going to do a cold open now hey look who's finally back from the p-factory so are you suggesting that you just went to have a pee

you said you were going to make a video trailer for the episode and you didn't make a pee tape that's terrible I realize my error now wow I didn't realize how pornographic this sofa was oh yeah they're they're pretty bad I feel like I feel like

casting sessions were conducted on this but like casting sessions for like a vampire yeah for like the rocky horror picture shit like some kind of like like a really earnest or no company is definitely like yeah we have

a black leather sofa but with red because it's like the black of my soul and the red of my blood anyway if you want this job you got to earn it by being as depressed as possible I'm really sad but only your moods are easily affected

only another one of my trademark guessing games will raise our spirits hmm so what are we discussing oh I'm going to tell you yeah I was going to do

another like you know complaining about capitalism thing for part 3 but I'm going to do something a little different I'm going to cut out a little bit of this googling okay the kfc

online store right wow what do you think they sell at the kfc online store I mean I'm a vegetarian so I don't even know what they really sell at kfc because I just know that it's not for me so I don't know it

you know it's not vegetarian but you have no concept of what it might be well I mean I've seen like an ad you're aware of what a chicken is I think it's some kind of mood a plethora of varieties of chicken none of which are my bag

is the thing Zinger I thought you were suggesting that what you just said was a zinger look I like kfc they trade in zingers just like your boy alright but no the kfc

online store presumably either they sell chicken products like their food or they sell kernel t-shirts I can totally believe them selling merch actually like like a hoodie with kfc

right now they've been that like supreme font where it's like white on a what is white on a red background isn't it maybe supreme has actually been owned by kfc this whole time and it's been like a subliminal advertising thing like white letters on a red background you'd stand in a line for that right

can we kfc in this instance stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken this is the Kentucky Fried Chicken online store and you were you were pretty close you basically nailed it

I even I don't really know what I was suggesting kfc has launched a streetwear collection I'm so buying this you've just basically just cost me money by telling me about this

I have such a high level of irony right now that that is that is something I could wear they also have made a phone what a couple weeks ago they did a phone can you talk to chicken with it

like you see the chicken say they don't mind being eaten this is the phone that's just an iPhone that has a it's a Huawei Android phone with a kfc sticker on I love the Huawei just sounds like

something Jordy say on a night out but that's how it's named so what's the streetwear so it's like it's like this this is one of them it's like very Instagrammable we can we impose this fried chicken USA it's like it's a place in the US I'm from

fried chicken Montana but one thing that they're also selling is and this this is really where we get into because that's that's that's kind of that's kind of all stupid in late capitalism a you know you're going to imagine people buying that

yeah they're also selling something else very different hope I was going to say slaves yeah are they like what doing a hobby lobby and like selling rare antiquities that have been

looted by ISIS what you didn't point it at me that is that is where the trailer is going to cut 100% there is no point of filming any further

it's going to be you pointing at him going what so kfc selling like fried chicken USA jumpers the black flag of ISIS and looted antiquities from the cradle of civilization it's it's

it's more that they are they are selling something that could be considered like a valuable antiquity but it's not an ISIS living one kind of close kfc is it bruce four size is it the first chicken

thereby answering an eternal question the first chicken they found it they found it cryogenically frozen in permafrost which is now melted due to climate change and now that it was just in the cell next to Walt Disney

the chicken really awkwardly can't remember if there was an egg before it or not massively frustrating pop philosophers no what what they're doing is kfc is selling a space rock that they have

shaped into the shape of a chicken sandwich for twenty thousand dollars you mean space rocks don't naturally come in that shape i'm gonna in an infinite universe there is i'm gonna have to rebrand my new business space rock like a bit of an

asteroid or that sort of like okay as opposed to like a something a mexican might throw over or as opposed to like you know a rock opera set in the star wars universe okay and what they've like hired a professional wittler

to the last who's job is very vulnerable to automation but he in fact the last wittler is in a union with the people playing draw heads the last wittler isn't robot being played by an african child the last wittler is obviously a film starring nicolas cage

good cage or bad cage a bad cage like good cage hasn't existed for like twenty years he died and has been replaced by a lookalike everyone knows this i lookalike who can only say yes

or how to get burned or i think maybe nicolas cage was the prototype for the robots that they're going to be like filling the star wars thing with like they got a lot of it mostly okay and that's why he exists in the uncanny valley

it would be really useful for those you know they have that problem where like sometimes the robot doesn't know how to respond to a really random human inquiry it could have all those like the regular responses and then if nothing else fits it just goes we have to steal the declaration of independence they're like yep that's what nicolas cage would say and then and oddly enough the kfc

online store the next day has a copy of the declaration of independence with a treasure map on the back with genuine chicken grease on the front because trump used it as a bib i love the idea like the like the treasure map on the back of the declaration of independence assumes

there was a treasure map and then when they were riding the declaration of independence they didn't think to get any like they didn't have any paper lying around i was like go to rymans i guess you can do it on the back of my treasure map i'm gonna need to take a xerox paper at that time although presumably like i imagine

in reality that treasure map would have just been for like a four year old's birthday and so like at best they would have found some like fossilized 18th century candy so we've got a space rock burger that they're selling for $20,000 yep

sculpted by the harsh elements that exist in the vastness of space and the sculpture and the sculptor and three artists three sculptors well a space rock burger designed by committee you know what they say too many sculptors spoil the space rock burger

hey no cliches i find a penny for every time my grandma said that one i'd even have to buy a space rock burger sometimes you know she would enlist she would enlist mine and my sister's help in making broth and then the broth wouldn't go very well and she'd be like well you know what they say

too many committee members spoil the space rock doesn't apply here grandma i'm gonna pull up it's too different a scenario see this is a real this is a really interesting a watched space rock never sculpts

much like an unwatched one well they say a space rock a day saved $20,000 earned a space rock a day keeps the dinosaurs away i'm gonna turn

yeah that space rock really beasted the dinosaurs tbf so what else they have they have that minimalist jumper they've got the fried chicken socks those are quite cool

Trudeau will be wearing those the next time Trudeau decides that canada really should be involved in more imperialist war crimes abroad he's gonna be wearing such bay socks i fucking hate that what are you my examiner also like yeah

definitely yes there are definitely non-imperialist war crimes the ones that were done by not empires oh yeah i think a lot of them might just aspire to have maybe just you know not really an empire comprising many ethnicities but maybe a quite

small state comprising just one yeah that happens a lot and chicken news you can also get a version of the kernel on a pillow so i guess you could that's like if i woke up anime weird

it would be like the vegetarians version of the senator and the godfather waking up next they're gonna be like like anime weirdos getting married to that it is cut off from the neck down much like walt disney walt disney is the first brain in the car do you think walt disney is stored on one of those

you could use that to commit like a really like weird murder it was like put that over a face oh my god it's like it's the kernels head but someone else's writhing body i got snogged to death

by kernels sanders a new e-book available on amazon it happened to me dear penthouse forum okay well i just saw a banner ad that i have to click i think it's very much to our theme don't miss amazon

wants to give you ten dollars for free you should take it i think amazon wants something in exchange for that ten dollars i think amazon's just nice don't worry it's only your soul why does amazon want to give me ten dollars

prime day might be over but amazon still is an awesome deal if anyone wants to try prime now okay so if you try prime between now and july 31st prime now rather you really just have to sign up

to a 79 pound a year service and amazon gives you ten bucks so that's just basically giving you a ten off you're giving them 69 bucks nice i want to get that now

i'm getting prime now you've done you've done this i was 79 pounds a year no thank you 69 pounds or 420 pounds i am absolutely in i will buy anything

or 4 pounds 20 can i show you this cup of tea 420 pounds hell yeah i'd love to negotiate an asking price to that but we're offering it to you for

50,000 that joke would definitely be worth 19,420 pounds absolutely the problem is like if you're in a jurisdiction that adds sales taxes on afterward i think you could legitimately use

an artistic licence to leave out the sales taxes or just buy a house and make the sales taxes HMRC is not as forgiving i used artistic licence they're like you didn't pay the tax on this house

which was how much again it was 69,420 pounds nice imagine that's your stamp duty that would be perfect i would move out of London so i could live in a house that is

69,420 pounds Mr Quinn we have great news your house is appreciating in value god damn it you just realise the house prices have risen 2.3% over the last year so you just caused 2.3% worth of damage to the property

in order to maintain its value i've removed the bathroom i've got a little hammer it's just like breaking glass in case of house price rise you've got to break all the glass in the house

houses get cheaper if there's been a murder committed even like there's no actual reason for the house to be cheaper other than just like people that's sketches i would definitely buy a matter house alternatively

what if you control the value of your house becoming a serial killer you're gonna murder every time the value goes up with the colonel tanda's pillars but somehow not getting caught by making it seem like some serial killer is murdering people at your house but it's not you you're like i don't know how this guy gets in here

it's like i know i shouldn't keep the key under the mat i know that it's a very obvious play i'm just getting so forgetful and that's like the end of the usual suspects let's look at the value of your house over the years and you're just looking at what was in 2010 69,420

69,420 and then with the music swells he drops his copy and they're like there is no james quinn well that's because there isn't that's not his name i think that i think this would be a spectacular tactic for

lowering house prices throughout like for balancing the country's economy i humbly submit that one murder should be committed in every property in London it's like a real property based purge sort of yeah look purge is such a heavy word

i think the Tories are so determined not to build social housing that they are actually probably like one electoral defeat away from going we will murder someone in every house in London to make them more affordable preferably an immigrant but we're like we're open to all sorts here

you guys are fine the 2020 conservative manifesto on one night alone crime is legal believe in a stronger stable future this is when like the hologram of Theresa May running after she's i don't know

she died from not drinking enough water she didn't want the fish to swim across the channel and make it to you i can imagine like Theresa May will eventually melt the ongoing fact of her just like not being able to do anything that works is like this continual like

turning up to negotiations at the EU and coming back and like oh god no it's not like that james i'd been meaning to ask you this by the way do congratulate me on how good i'm being about using your not named you only slipped up like four times have i?

it's fine low effort aesthetic no james you'll understand this and you'll have to explain it to me so i'm probably the sort of like i have loads of like notifications turned off on twitter and everything but just like considering my politics

i imagine i'm the sort of person who strangers call things like melt the word that you use but i don't know what melt means i don't think like twitter trolls use the word melt it's like it came from it came from Essex and then

hipsters adopted it it's like a way of saying to someone like daft or like or like kind of like a scaredy cat why did i pick that particular word it's kind of twitter leftists like the twitter right tell me to like fuck off to Pakistan

i don't really know why to a training camp the twitter left are are very like melty sluggy and i just don't know what it is slugs they call people slugs yeah because salt kills them

like just like a slugs quite bad i mean i know you're talking you're talking to a twitter leftist what do you want to know i heard if you spank a melt is like a sort of quite milk toast like a quite milk toast centrist right

like thinks that maybe the public sector pay cap is a shame but it's sensible economics we have to cooperate with the Tories right okay like you know what a melt is um what's the name friedland from the guardian okay

yeah one of these like like one of these what is very anti anti-corban labor types right okay yeah so i'm a melt okay but you wouldn't but a slug is like like a like a far right i don't i don't think anyone

i think i don't think anyone calling you a slug is really but the terminology means they might be right i don't know if i've ever been called either of these things i've just seen the words oh yeah i think i think there's enough hyperbole on the really far left to consider i hear far right i think like there are there are people

out there oh definitely it's been a real education to find out that i'm a centrist on twitter it's absolutely fascinating i mean my father will be very pleased because i can't have a political discussion with him without quoting Lenin these days it's like that's that's quite

nice learning yeah you're a centrist you're a centrist your father's learning Russian in order to argue with you yeah because basically like i think the people are like the far right think that the right is the left it's like

you know you're far right people who'd be like oh David Cameron you fucking socialist and everything and you know the calling Tony Blair Tory or whatever and but also it's interesting about anything that happened the whole thing's really

stupid hot takes get your hot takes but will i stop tweeting never stop posting i will never log off show yourself the podcast that never logs

off we were saying another day looking at the treasure map on the declaration of independence buddy they won't even let me fuck it wait wait on the subject of the modern Shakespeare

drill you're verified right yeah so is the drill tweet true that if someone tweets the word ass at you the cops coming through a flash bang grenade in their window yeah because i'm yeah the blue take grants me that power

you should have read the teas and seas we're concerned about that like they tweet melt at you i'll politely ask what that means no if you like once i have left this building because obviously i don't want to get caught up in no i'm tweeting the word asset you right now okay yeah

i want to see do you know about editing can you just edit in the sound of flashbangs and grenades now i'm tweeting add you now and every day we're using a one of those tweet scheduling service okay here we go every day

at 4 20 p.m. it's 4 20 baby turn to drink precisely one beer and tweet the word asset is a conceivable drill yeah to be honest i thought you were just doing a drill tweet

this is this is the bit of the podcast where we alienate everyone who just follow drill on twitter i think they weren't worth having in the first place yeah they don't follow drill i don't want them as listeners there's like people going like god what are these power tools they keep bringing up in conversations

like a dad's following at drill but with two l's it's just an account which lists various kinds of drills and their uses it's verified like yes this is real is equally absurd people saying stop drilling show yourself coward i will never stop

i will never recharge i think my girlfriend's just come back we've added in sound effects to make it seem like Riley has a girlfriend no we're literally going right now come on in hello anyway off she goes but she really exists guys

yeah she totally is real i helped to get out of a maze by drinking yeah this has kind of made everything a lot easier to believe considering that up till now you've been saying my girlfriend who by the way exists

which is a great way to really extant girlfriend my girlfriend her name is stop asking questions incorporate call back we haven't committed war crimes incorporated a lot of people keep asking us a lot of questions

which have been answered by our company name i refer you to my stationery i said good day james quote unquote i have a girlfriend quinn it's in my passport

must be true look my parents were really ambitious for my love life when they gave me my middle name james the girlfriend have a quinn how ambitious is it to suggest that you'll have at least a girlfriend at some point this is like a pretty pretty heteronormative

mr and mrs quinn pretty fucked up yeah like they should it was the 90s because in my experience like having a relationship as a girlfriend have i've been a girlfriend

have or a girlfriend a girlfriend never speak to again i've done all the main stages always a girlfriend have or never a girlfriend oh baby anything can happen but yeah i always find that you know relationships are ultimately like

anyone can have a relationship if they don't care what kind of relationship it is if you're prepared to lower your standards enough there is always someone who will fuck you like that is how the world works and that's my Tinder bio guys i'm trying to prove a point

are you only an overweight leave me alone i told you last night yes it's like you're asking questions already answered by my Tinder bio i find it fun when people in their Tinder bio put stuff like i'm doing good thanks so there's no need to ask and it's like

i'm not asking that because i care i'm asking because we have to find a proprietary way to begin a conversation so that we can get away from the loneliness of the dystopia in which we live oh in fact there's another thing that i saw recently which is a new app

that's like a Tinder 4 it's called do we have tenders 2 and 3 no they were called like 2 fast 2 Tinder Tinder 2 3 Tindering then Tinder 3 Tokyo drift the good thing is that Tinder 3

Tokyo drift actually comes from like way back in the timeline like it's really messed up this this this is hilarious it's an app i think it's called Shaper oh no that's

that's a different one there are so many of these there's another one that i saw though where it's like a version of Tinder but what it does is it looks at all the places you go regularly and finds other people who go to those places regularly and then

it connects you because it's not like you were all going regularly to the same place and could just you know conceivably have met wasn't that just like happen though isn't that no that's like people walking

by this is like okay if you like to go to this gym or if you like to hang out at this bar like it knows the location but i don't but then that's very poor for maybe having to avoid people in the future men just aren't hitting on people at the gym we need to do something like this

okay this is the one i was thinking of it's a start up called Shaper up no e of course Shaper goes right to the Boots Shaper Boots Shapers range of low fat snacks and what it is

it's basically like Tinder for LinkedIn right wow yeah and it's so you can meet inspiring people and presumably not fuck them so it's if you're lonely and an asshole

yeah it's it's specifically a Tinder for equally unbearable people however it's also recently gotten like three million dollars in funding jesus christ what do i gotta do to get three million dollars in funding around here we conceivably

need more than three million comedians to get three million dollars in fact three million is another loss you'd be better off with less than zero comedians yeah so what this does is it lets you select 50 people you know and trust well enough to share with your network and it trusts 50

people well these gullible assholes i barely trust myself we could we could definitely take him all we have to do is like getting good with one we'll get introduced to a whole network and then we can say that we've got like we've

leveraged we'll come up with it later maybe on the spot yeah that yeah exactly i reckon they do do that in tech pitches to be honest just like god what should we do just take a vowel out yeah people that they're at a board meeting

and they're like we all agree that names have too many vowels and they're like yes continue i'm gonna make an app called vowl make it sound like it's just it's a hybrid between a vowel and an owl would you not pay for that i'll take my you're a crazed nazi scientist who's created a hybrid animal in argentina

in a lab deep in the basement my politics does not come into my desire to create wondrous new beasts i think that's it it's an undersold part of the part of the Nazis just like like the really the really insane shit they tried to invent i think

that's it oh they they did lots of crazy shit like they tried to find the lance of longinus what was that the spear that stabbed jesus tip tip for what i'm acting as though so much of what else they did made sense just like oh it turns out that these

evil batshit crazy people did something that was also slightly wacky fine i'm more than ready to believe that i think they had a whole thing where they were trying to find like like christian arcana wow like like i think

that sounds like the name of an actor he could totally be in a film with kasey aftleg the new batman he's a series of ancient relics they've been formed together into a person whose acting role will soon be automated that's the cost of the expendables

i'm gonna we're gonna retroactively say that's that's the pitch this week is you have pitched us a thing called vowel i thought it was going to be something and took out the ease instead it was a chimera monster i'll buy it three million dollars let me get some comics together there's a kickstarter

for him if you donate a thousand dollars your name is inscribed on every vowel ever born in the in the perverse nazi lab oh my okay okay here we got a steven seagull fact yeah it's it's time for steven seagull fact of the week which i feel should have a jingle like

steven seagull fact of the week yeah someone getting hit twice from an office chair steven seagull doesn't need to hit people twice he hits people once they don't get up they became more trumped towards the end so steven seagull

is a guitarist who's released two studio albums songs from the crystal cave and mojo priest which one which one has his reggae track on it i don't know oh yeah i i'm gonna get one fact riley i'm gonna ask next week ask next week it's like when your mom

doing the advent calendar with you as a child it's like you can take one chocolate there's not not another one well my child's a troll you then this isn't so much of a steven seagull fact but a steven seagull response one of those albums contains a reggae song by steven

seagull called i love the punani please let it be mojo priest like he went through a weird like austin powers phase where he was doing it wait what no i mean i'm imagining like if you why why mojo like the only person who ever said the word mojo i'm

pretty sure was austin powers i've lost my mojo baby and steven seagull is like this is musically inspired his loss of his mojo has reminded me of my abiding love the punani i'm wondering like what what what if

steven seagull watched like the austin powers where he got his mojo lost and they wanted to do like a live aid to get austin powers mojo back and raise money i will help austin powers get his mojo back through the power of aikido well you hear i could take that midget in a fight you heard it you heard it

here first guys steven seagull and doll trump are slowly becoming the same person my level is if aikido are huge they're tremendous alright goodbye bye when the girls

start to strut you could look at their butt you shouldn't do that the girl dress is just it pretty not just there to cover her kitty when me and leave the top your methan will

be back it up when me and dash it up make sure the black it up if you ever flop it up let me have a lucky talk back it up like genji who i drop me and the body if you make me feel nice why tell me why you're really rude all night

me and the pananis if you make me nice see me love the way you laugh sometimes the way you talk is so hot now you know let have a shot to roam let me come make you come with me to the ocean that will be fine you can be my

bow cat nice title breeze bring it to your knees go jammin why not when me turn it around you have to come to my row in here so never know who I'm sure

let's do it all night from the left to the right say my name see you tell me oh it nice it's quite alright what i run from the pipe i love it like that but i won't buy it why not when me turn it around you have to come to my

row in here so never know me and the pananis if you make me nice see me love the way you laugh sometimes the way you talk is so hot now you know let have a shot to roam let's do it all night from the left to the right say my name see you tell me oh

it nice it's quite alright what i run from the pipe i love it like that but i won't buy it why would you really write darling me want it one day if you make me feel nice why tell me why you're really rude all night but when the pananis i make me

like me want it one day i want it gone on it i mean no it nice what you say it's quite alright that but it's quite alright what i run from the pipe i love it like that but i won't buy it why would you really write me the way you talk is so hot

now you know let have a shot to roam let's do it all night from the left to the left to the right say my name see you tell me oh it nice it's quite alright what i want it gone on it i mean no it nice i mean no it nice

i mean no it nice i mean no it nice i mean no it nice i mean no it nice i mean no it nice