TRASHFUTURE - The Original Big Fella feat. Joel Golby

Episode Date: January 22, 2019

The inmates are in control of the asylum today. Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani) are joined by Joel Golby (@joelgolby) to discuss his new book, ‘Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant: Modern Life as Interpreted By Someone Who Is Reasonably Bad at Living It.’ However, we also discuss London real estate, Caroline Calloway’s Instragram reign of terror, eel and pie houses, and Bam Margera's big uncle Vito. *BUY JOEL’S BOOK* https://www.amazon.co.uk/Brilliant-Modern-Interpreted-Someone-Reasonably/dp/0008265402?tag=smarturl-gb-21 Please bear in mind that your favourite moron lads have a Patreon now. You too can support us here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture/overview *LIVE SHOW ALERT* We have an upcoming live show -- with comedian Josie Long -- in London on February 21st at the Star of Kings (126 York Way, Kings Cross, London N1 0AX) starting at 7.30 pm. You can buy tickets here: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/trashfuture-live-ft-josie-long-tickets-54546538164 *COMEDY KLAXON* The previous Smoke event has sold out, but on January 31st at 8 pm, Milo will perform his own show at Smoke Comedy at the Sekforde (34 Sekforde Street London EC1R 0HA). Tickets are free, but make sure to sign up here: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/smoke-comedy-presents-milo-edwards-wip-tickets-54529080949 Also: you can commodify your dissent with a t-shirt from http://www.lilcomrade.com/, and what’s more, it’s mandatory if you want to be taken seriously. Do you want a mug to hold your soup? Perhaps you want one with the Trashfuture logo, which is available here: https://teespring.com/what-if-phone-cops#pid=659&cid=102968&sid=front

I used to watch the Bam Marguerite show. Oh, so did I. Marguerite. I had my second ever sex to it. I would, I'd, I'd, I'd, uh, I'd do some toast with Marguerite and then I'd tune in to Bam Marguerite. That's what, uh, how, but yeah, but how, hang on, yeah, sorry. I got distracted. We should really tune into the sex thing.

Please, please elaborate. Second ever. Yeah. Who counts? Beaver the Bam. Well, I remember it because specifically. Oh, wait, it was like, hi, I'm Bam Marguerite and this is fucking Raleigh in the ass.

It's three o'clock in the morning, Raleigh's fast asleep. He has no idea what's about to happen. You know, it's, um, I, uh, this, I'd remember it specifically because I thought it was sort of so unlikely and you would ever have sex. Yeah, obviously, and I was a huge fan of Jackass initially. It's like a T huge. Then I discovered Viva the Bam, which is like, and you were

like, nah, I'm such an actor, that's opened up a whole new portal with me. I was a teenage boy. And then now I've seen Don Vito get a fucking custard pie to his face and now I want to fuck. Yeah. And look, okay, are you saying you don't, there was a man that wanted to fuck to be fair.

It was Don Vito. Are you saying you don't look at Don Vito and get immediately stiffed up? Well, I think there's some legal records that sort of go against that. No, because the point is, is that ultimately I think Viva the Bam is the kind, it's like an oyster or champagne or like a rhino horn.

It's widely acknowledged to be an aphrodisiac. Right. Are you defied now with like your adult sex life, but you can't get off until you see like a fat guy get a big get broken over his head or something like you have to have it on in the background because it was such a formative thing. Like I can't come until someone goes off a slightly too high ramp.

Until someone builds a ski course inside the house. Footage of a car crash with a crying next to it. That's the only way I can come. You can't get off unless there's like that fear about like a bunch of old skateboarders are about to come in like burst into a ring. It's just like one day Riley is outside a primary school and the primary school has happened for some reason to be using

compressed CO2 to fire tangerines at each other's asses. And then someone notices that Riley has a huge erection. They're like, what the fuck, dude? How on earth would that ever happen? It's 2019, baby. Yeah, the fuck to be evil about this is just a new show in time. Stay fucking grounded, Milo.

Hello and welcome back again to this episode of TF, your free one for the week. It's me, Riley. You may remember me from every previous episode of this podcast. We are joined by also Milo. It's me, your boy. This show is freer than the erection you get by watching Viva LeBam.

It's not free. You have to buy DVDs. It's not readily available. I'm pretty sure it's torrentable. I doubt that it's like, no, Viva LeBam is so good. No one would dare pirate it. No one would besmirch Viva LeBam by not paying the money. Challenge at Alex Kealy with your favorite Viva LeBam clip.

It's A-L-E-X-K-E-A-L-Y. And remember, do not include any context as to why you're sending him this. No, just at Alex Kealy with your favorite Viva LeBam clip. We're also here with Hussain. Hi, I haven't been, I haven't, I feel like I haven't recorded for a long time, like life. And I feel, and that's because I've been doing an internship at

Quillette, expanding my mind, measuring it too. They haven't told, they haven't told, they haven't told me why. They've just said, just give the numbers every morning. My favorite album by Quillette X Coldplay was The Wraith Scientist. Quillette sets its tentacion. And we're also here with, with Joel Golby, who you may have recognized from his many articles on vice. That's it, many articles.

And pause before my name. You had no idea how to. And now we're here with a. How to drop this bomb. Like, I don't know. Yes, I've written many, many articles. Thank you. I've heard about him from people.

The author of not only many articles, but also. One, one singular book. One book. Yes. One book. It is, it is called Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant, Brilliant. It's a bitch to say, isn't it? Yeah, I had to count it on my fingers.

It's bullshit. I have to do it. It's quite inconsiderate of you to call it that, actually, Joel. Yeah, I kind of like, the joke is on me with this, because I'm the one who has to say it most. And also, actually, I was, I was writing it a lot over Christmas, like by hand. I don't know if you've ever written something by hand in the past

five years, but it's an our sake. And I had to write that. And for some reason, like, there's the particular strokes of that word, just quite hard on the wrist that I have to do it like five times in a fucking row. It's tedious. I'm sick of it already. It's not even out.

No, mum, it's my writing that's hard on the wrist. I don't understand. Why were you writing it by hand, by the way? Of course, the crucial asset at the start is about how both my parents are dead. So that's very tasteless of you to drop that joke in. What that really reveals is how little research I do about the guests, more than anything else.

Any case, we've got dark super early on this one. Oh, yeah, we really, we really did quite fuck that up. This was the spectator podcast. We would have looked into the current, you know, births, marriages and death's records of the guest, but this isn't. We don't have those kind of resources. We spend all of our resources on getting actual audio equipment instead of having Toby Young, Fraser Nelson, and then Julie

Burchall share one mic, but then like 10 lines. Look, I'm going to I'm going to crack right on with this because what I have done is I have assembled a show, which what you might be called is for the ages. It is is the classic TF set up. We are starting with a product. We are moving on to a phenomenon and then we are ending with something that's going to leave everybody very angry.

Are we all ready to leap into that particular mess of content? First, you get the product, then you get the phenomenon, then you get angry. The three stages of 2019. Now you're going to score save at Mr. Jason Stafin voice. Listen here, cupcake, I'm only here for three things, the product, the phenomenon and to get really fucking angry. I really just want to get angry at a product phenomenon in the

next 15 minutes. My heart is literally going to explode. All right. So the product they found for all of us today is probably the least useful one I have ever described. The smolt, for example, at least it put salt on your food. That's true and was small. Yeah, it was the that terrible drink from that like that bar.

At least you could drink it and if you had enough of them, you'd presumably get drunk. This one, this one is different. It is called the human charger. Holy fuck. Yes. What a star. What a beautiful name.

What? What panache? What bold? Is this a white coat company? I wish it was. I wish the human charger could transition effortlessly from the boardroom to the disco tecca and to be honest, maybe it can. But what's all our first impressions?

Sounds like Mad Hancock's sex name. It sounds like it's like an Italian American kid. It'd be like one of the like the minor mobsters kids in the Sopranos who are like he's like he's on the athletics team. He runs so fast. He's like a dodge charger. They call him the human charger. That's my boy.

Yeah. Push over that. There you go. Okay. So, so far we have something that Hancock said. Vito Spadafore's goth kid. Any guesses? It's the human charger.

I mean, is he not just describing food? Is that not just it? Just fuel for a human? Is it like a new fuel thing? Fuel but worse. That's my guess. Fuel but worse. Okay.

All three are delightfully completely fucking wrong. This is look if we've had one episode where we accidentally got it right the first try. Terrible. Very bad. We want to avoid that. You're all so wrong. Human charger colon blank in your pocket.

I thought you're going to be like the human charger. It's the colon. The humble colon. I don't want to live in a world without colons. Absolutely not. How then would you know when someone's beginning a list? No, it is indeed blank in your pocket. It's a hole in your pocket through which you can wank.

What's more refreshing than a wank? Yeah, you're in a public park thinking about Viva La Bam. Is it a very, very small flashlight? Almost. Oh, what? Almost. For real? No, it's mechanically different.

Okay. All right. I went in a bit too much that time. Sorry. I was just genuinely shocked, but I got close to something. Okay. Yeah, you've never come close before. Yeah, I've never come.

Okay. Yeah, you know. Calming is very bourgeois, I've decided. You need Viva La Bam. You do. That'll get you closer than you can imagine. The human charger can be used to increase energy levels, improve mood, increase mental alertness,

reduce the effects of jet lag. It's definitely a wank. You're describing a wank at this point. Oh, no, it's cocaine. This is like a Ben's rights activist tag for a wank, isn't it? Like, guys, I'm charging up today. I've got an idea that's sort of related to that.

The charge is like that. Which is, but they are fancy wipes for your penis. That, like, somehow... That's somehow like... Well, like electrons on your dick. Yeah, like electrons on your dick. Electrolyte. Electrolyte, like, like, Charcoe,

activated water, but for your dick. So, like, if you need to have a wank in public, you don't have to use toilet paper anymore, you can use these fancy wipes. You don't want negative ions on your face when you're wanking it or something. Why not? Do you want positive charge?

Right. Yeah. It's not that. Yeah, you want it to be very positive, like a Tory on Instagram. Wow. Well, like, Jason Statham in a certain role. That joke only works if Nate edits it out.

Just for Nate, that one. Okay, I have one more for all of us, because it's so... It's... Oh, God, it's really delightful. The human charger is a revolutionary device for your well-being and channels blank directly to the blank, sensitive regions of your blank,

right where it is needed the most. The annoying thing is, I know what this is, but it's now... I'm not convinced because that sounds like a wanking machine. It really does. So now I started going like, well, I know what it is. It's fine.

And now I'm like, well, in the week in between, I learned about the human charger. They've invented another human charger that wanks you off in playgrounds. It channels Viva La Bam directly into the most sensitive areas of your eyes. It's an iPad stuck to a flashlight playing Viva La Bam. Absolutely.

Look, some of us, some of us have a thing where, like Viagra is just not effective. We need to see Don Vito try to carry a bunch of eggs home while Dave England fucks with him. Man, I'm not here to kick-shame. Yeah, the defendant would like it on record that they were in fact trying to slap Bam's dad at three o'clock in the morning with a wet fish,

and therefore he believes they are. He was a victim of diminished responsibility during the crime. Your Bam or Jera absolutely could do a bunch of crimes then blame Phil. They look identical now. They are the same person. He was smart. He was ahead of his time, and that's why people didn't like him.

That's why people still feel threatened by him. Well, that's what I have noticed is like, YouTube is kind of going back there, isn't it? Because it's all just pranks and dumb shit. They're like, oh, is this old person actually old? What? No, it's the old person who spent eight hours in makeup. And like, yeah, it was ahead.

If you bought it back now, without any of the death or the criminal charges, Jack has to be fined in a fly. It's like, Viva La Bam would just be like Jake Paul being like, yo, social experiment, we're going to put my brother in a shopping cart and send it down a hill. Everyone's like, damn, that really said something about society. That's the thing is that Jack was so much better than Jake Paul. Those pranks are actually pranks, unlike Jake Paul's pranks,

which were like, whoa, your hair looks bad, joking, pranked, pranked. Or then there's the other kind, which is like, we put someone in a prosthetic that makes them look like a homeless person without any legs that are bleeding profusely. We watched everyone walk by them. And it used to just be like, yeah. Oh, that's like it. That's like one of those upworthy posts.

Remember, upworthy. At 30 seconds, you'll smile at two minutes, you'll cry. Viva La Bam. At 34 minutes, you'll come. Okay. I'm going to tell you what the human charger is. Invented in Finland, human charger is a bright light therapy device that has a unique and patented mechanism of action,

which stimulates the photosensitive proteins on the surface of the brain using a calibrated white light that passes through the ear canal. So it's basically like an old iPod, but instead of playing like U2, it just shines like lasers in your ears. Yeah, why? On the photosensitive proteins on the surface of your brain, your eyes. Isn't that like, don't, you don't get to them through your ears. I'm pretty sure.

I don't reckon you can see your brain through your ears unless I'm very mistaken. How deep is this going? How far have you got those earbuds in? I mean, it's, it's, it's, there's quite a bit of it where it promises using the human charger for only 12 minutes a day can significantly increase your energy levels, which is of course a scientific measurement, improve mood and increase your mental alertness. Just by, just by shining a bright light into your ear. I mean, if it did work, I would want one, but we know that it doesn't.

Obviously. Wow, do we? Because it was, it was from that time's piece with all the, the maniacs who like live a very clean sort of perfect life. Wasn't it? Is that where you got it from? Well, am I, am I giving your citation away? Because well, the thing is, and I'll reveal this to the listener now,

if they want like a little peek behind the curtain into the sausage factory, which is of course behind every piece of entertainment. That is where I found it and I was faced with the critical choice. Do we talk about the diary of the insane people and make fun of that? Or do we go product first? And the more I read about the product, the more I really just wanted to focus on that. Yeah, that's because that was my main takeaway from the piece is like, as soon as I got to the line, like, yeah, wake up at like five AM,

take a million vitamins, do a meditative app, shine a big laser in my if 12 years and then pH to test my pace. I was like, hold on, weirdly, the bit I'm interested in is the guy shining just a light bulb into his ear for no reason. It was like, obviously, because I have a high IQ, I'm going to shine a light in my ear to give myself like more alertness. Like, maybe you're not shining a light bulb in your ear because you're not as smart as me, but I'm very intelligent.

So I'm going to do that. So it'll make me even smarter. This is like Dr. Evil as an Instagram inspiration guy, like with the help of this laser beam, I am going to feel more motivated and energized. Can you do it with a safer voice? Listen, cupcake. With the help of shining this laser beam in my ear,

I'm going to feel energized, motivated and highly awake. But my heart exploded in 15 minutes. If I don't shine a light in my ear. I mean, okay, sorry. Oh, that's light to my ears. Can we please file this character under due frequently, which is wellness, Jason Statham and Crank. Oh, yeah.

Goop Statham. Jason Crank 3, goop. Amazing. Steamy off a gyno over a toilet. In the next 15 minutes, my heart will explode. Excuse me, sunshine. Have I done yoga before? You have this job because I've done yoga before.

The Chinese, look, the Chinese fucking mafia has put one, one millionth of a part per million of poison into my veins. If I don't, if I don't keep my adrenaline up, I assume I'll explode. My guru said so. You sound like Bob Geldof. And his, I was starting Van Dyke.

Give us your fucking crystals. I've lived in this country for eight years. Why can't I do a British accent? Mate, I'm Jason Statham and I'm here to say this and I'm the number one rapper in a major way. I'm gonna fucking explode, mate. Mate, it is. If I don't, if you don't shock my heart in the next 15 minutes,

it's gonna fucking explode, mate. Did you guys know that each human cell synchronizes its activity with the sun, which to me sounds like something a scientific paper would say. The main energy source for most life forms on earth, but technically not all. Apart from Toby Young. But it's not always possible to enjoy the full daylight

in our daily lives. Today, modern lifestyles can include working more indoors or being a mold, shift work, or long distance travel. This as well has changed the decisions. I don't think they think that there's no one who wasn't exposed to sunlight before, like people who worked in mines or like. Yeah, but who was exposed to their fucking eatery to it?

Like, come on, wake up. You have your bread, a grill, a wood knocks on your window with a stick. You go up, you go to the mine, but just crack the old air hole open towards the sun for 12 minutes before you go in. That's how you think. This is why this product has a kind of British vibe to it,

because I think if it was an American product, more so, it would be like more like, NASA developed this product for use by people on submarines. And now you can do it too. Oh, no, because then it lets you feel like a troupe. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because then you're like, yeah, it's like, this is the exact same kind of person

who is like sort of, you know, bordering on morbidly obese, but has gotten all of their bulletproof vests like taken out so that they can still wear them when they do their voluntary citizens patrols on the Mexican border and subsist entirely on like rations. I'm going to be honest, if I'm like five years away from being at the point where if you go, a sniper does this, I'll be like, okay, I'm sold.

If you like snipers, shine a little light in their ear before they do every kill shot. I'm like, okay, get me the weird iPod. Shine it into my head. I need it. I'll tell you who probably does tilt their ear to the sun. Everybody. Oh, look at that.

Oh, did O'Neill? Well, probably I was, I was, but Brendan's friends more like the, the border police at the voluntary, the voluntary border police at Dover, who stand on the white cliffs of Dover. It's like, look, how are you going to spot a boat full of desperate people fleeing genocide coming over the, over the English Channel?

Unless you have like the energy of the sun, they're basically capped in planet, but for nationalism. It's like, it's like what, it's like what my friend FaZe, FaZe Banks once said. Sorry, his full name. FaZe All Banks. FaZe All Banks, uh, uh. FaZe All Banks from the Mudge.

Better to have a boat full of friends. Better to have a boat full of people, traffickers who love you than a sea full of sharks who are hungry as fuck. He did, he did the joke better than I did. Oh, fuck sake. That's why we have Milo on. Beautiful.

Yeah. Here's the thing. I feel like if it was just me and you doing Michelle, you'd probably just be like Pod Save America. Yeah, it would be. No, I'd be, I'd be John Favreau and John love it, love it. And then you use the other one. The Republican one, Tommy.

Papa John. No, when Papa John finally swears off saying slurs, he takes the H out of his name, which is how you know that you're a Democrat as if you're J-O-N. What, like the guy from Garfield? Uh, no, that's, oh yeah, John. Of course, John's a Democrat. He's constantly getting fucked with by Garfield.

Garfield is Trump. Is that a Democrat thing? Kat's fucking with you. I don't know what the political race is like over there at the moment. The main Democrat thing, as far as I'm aware, seems to be just forever being relentlessly humiliated by forces beyond your control, but that you feel like you should be in control of.

Okay. So we just returned to the sublime phrase, which was the main Democrat thing as far as I'm aware. All right. So I have some more science here. You don't? Well, I have some more claims. Say that on the subject of Pizza Gate.

Here's some more science. The skulls of large animals. Oh, no. Yeah. And that science fact. Go on. Tell me about skulls. Animal phrenology.

That goth. The skulls of large mammals, including humans, actually let light pass through naturally. And in ordinary, ordinary daylight and daytime conditions, the brain is constantly exposed to light. Wow. Is this a crystal skull thing? How could a skull let light through Indiana Jones and the phrenology skull?

I'm willing to be disproved, but if you put a fucking torch up against a head, it's not going through there. I've never been sunburned on the brain, depends on what race the person is. But you're not ginger to be fair. The Irish, the first place. You know, that's what I learned from all my readings to collect,

because I like expanding my political knowledge. I like finding middle grounds of people, expanding conversations. And that's what I learned. I learned that different people of different racial heritage let different amounts of light into their brains. Yeah, absolutely. Just doing an Instagram live stream of me being thrown out of the zoo

for measuring the skulls of the animals, saying, truly, we do live in the world of 1984. Look, you can't say that you can't say that the Zebras have a perfect 100 IQ because of race science. China establish who the white people of animals are. It's probably cats. Okay, so here's where the science comes in, right? It's a crazy laptop.

It's a race hate zoo episode now. Who's the white people in animals? Let's go. Let's fucking go. Let's go. We're going to do the research. We're going to decide who the white people of animals are. What do you think the white people of animals are?

Add Alex Keely with your suggestions. I think owls. No, no, not owls. I think owls are the Asians of animals. Cats is a fair shout because essentially, it can't be an animal that's like killed a lot. It can't be a farm animal because we kill the fuck out of them. They get a raw deal.

We panda the cats. Cats are super grateful. Time, do they? Because of the expression guinea pigs. Because we drop a load of makeup on them. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Okay, well, let's get the what the joker would say out of the way. So we don't waste time with it.

The joker would say humans, obviously. Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. Right. Okay, so can we just say, I admit that's what the joker would say and move past it. We live in a society.

I mean, I saw what I could say really. Apparently we're like, I mean, realistically, like the when the bloodhound gang and the joker sang that song, you and me, baby, we ain't nothing but mammals. It was really more about how humans are the white people of animals because we fuck with everyone else sort of so much. And to such an injustice extent. You know how I got these scars?

I'm actually a shark wearing a skin suit. The joker is face banks is worse than me. But he had a room full of jokers. Yo, okay. Yo, thank God this is just a room full of jokers, not a room full of sharks because that would be really bad. Come on. Faze joker is too powerful of an idea.

We cannot. We cannot explore that more. Wait, do you stay some joker? Listen, cupcake, you know, I got these scars. It was hundreds of electric shocks. I have to administer to myself every day. No, come on. It was because he didn't get something inside of 15 minutes.

I don't put a pencil in your eye. See, that's the secret to writing. Look, maybe that's it. Toby after I've written a book, go on. The joker could the problem is the joker couldn't see what he was doing because not enough light was penetrating gamble skull. That's it. And he put a pencil there without seeing what he was doing.

Really, it's a metaphor for business. If you don't blow up that other boat in the next 15 minutes, are the boats going to blow you up? This is a much more complicated film than the previous in the Crank series. And some of my art is involved as well. One of these boats needs to blow up. I don't care which one, but in the next 15 minutes. See, OK, like number one, did we discover what what is the white people of animals?

Not necessarily. Did we discover that and stay them? Obviously. I mean, that's what I was building to Milo. Thank you. But we've discovered that Batman Begins is Crank 3, which I think it's real forward movement for all of us. Amazing.

Wait, no, that's the Dark Knight. Batman Begins is where it's like the the insanity gas in the in the water supply. You're right. No, with Chilean Murphy. Come on. OK. Yeah. Chilean Murphy, a famous first descendant of the first Irish life.

OK. Oh, the pyramids. Look up. OK, here's here's my here's my thinking of what white what what animals are white people. I can't believe we're still on this. But yeah, yeah, I think it might. I think it might be. I think it's pretty obvious to me that it's the hippopotamus.

How? Because I mean, the hippopotamus, first of all, lives in Africa, which I've not done a lot of research about, but I feel is not not predominantly inhabited by white people. No, we're not going on those kind of grounds. No, it's more of a spiritual thing. OK. OK.

It's also like semi aquatic. Yeah. Because it's like a room full of the hippo actually kills more people than the shark. So really, face banks is worried about the wrong group. Yeah. OK. Yeah. So it's a woke definition.

OK. So now I'm an SJW. Is this of a quiz? We have to guess why you think hippos are white. No, I'm trying to work it out as we go. OK, cool. And that and they like the subject of the third segment of this podcast are quite sort of famously very portly and ruin the lives of most of the people that they come across.

Is that is that true? Can we say that? I don't think that's true. But can you promise this to us? OK. I've got I've got one. I've got one. All right.

Dogs, like domestic dogs. I know it's like a really basic one, but it's definitely like one. By Allah, you people are. Yes. By votes, right? Because dogs love cops. OK. Right.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. They love cops. Yes. Yes. Dogs.

Good start. Good start. Largely useless. Don't really contribute that much to like any sort of animal kingdom. No. But like to take credit for doing so. Like some of them are in the royal family. You know that?

Yeah. You know that dog that tried to start a fight in that zoo? Like some family like took their dog to a zoo and like the dog just ran after these animals. So they measure their skulls. To try to try. Did someone get that? But also like to just try start fights with them for like no reason. The dog was like a British dad.

It was like, yeah, you fucking want some? I'll have you, you giraffe. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like those guys who just go to like Ibiza or like Magaluf and like on the day two of their lads holiday, they start fights with like some massive Greek guys. Um, always ends badly. But the next morning they're like, yeah, I could have fucking taken it. I was just like pissed off on my own. I could have fucking taken him.

I could have fucking taken him. Better to be on a lads holiday of people that love you than on a Greek island full of sharks hungry as fuck. And, and, and dogs are constantly about to get into fights, but always held back by their friends and family. Yeah, it's not worth it. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I think you've done it. I think we got it. Also why people love dogs. They love dogs. They love dogs more than their own kids sometimes. Facts. Damn. Real facts.

All right. The amount of people that I know who've like gone to uni and they've come back and the parents have been like, yeah, we gave your room to the dog. So you have to sleep on the sofa. Far too many for like to be in a normal society for like any normal society. Jesus Christ. I went, I went to a normal Russell group uni with lots of people. It's just sound normal with the dog people.

Yeah. Okay. So like people of dog place, you know, it's an old fashioned term. Sorry. It's the Christian rock band POD. Universities are weird places, but York University was a very particularly weird place. Okay. That's what I'm going to say.

I mean, I think we've solved a very important problem today. What animals are white people and it's dogs. Yeah. Although I also took from Hussain's metaphor that white people love white people so much that they love white people more than white people. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Good. Fine. Facts. Facts. I'm glad we, yeah. You got it. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Checkmate. Ben Shapiro. All right. All right. Polit, all right. Politifact come for us. How many Pinocchios are you going to give us for that giant whopper?

Yeah. What's, what's that guy? The 538 guy? Nate Silver. Nate Silver. Nate Silver. See if you can. Regression test my dick, you bitch.

So between 2008 and 2010, back to the human charger. Researchers at the university. I'm still on that. Oh, you so are. Because this is one of the funny bits. This is actually one of the funny bits. It relates to what we've been saying about how like dogs and humans have a real bond with one another where they're just friends that never let one another go.

White people from animals was white. The white people of animals was like a bonus round on Crash Bandicoot. It can take ages, but then you come back out and you remember you're still in the middle of another level. It's like trippy. Researchers at the University of Aulu, which is also in Finland, which is also where all of these people come from and which they all know one another that would explain their obsession with getting sunlight through every hole in

their body discovered the presence of photoreceptor proteins on the surface of the brain similar to those that just exist in the eye. Following further research, it was proven by these same researchers that light can also reach these areas of brain through the ear canals, the tissue of the ear and skull. Which is very cool that all of these people are friends with a guy who makes a product that puts light into your ears to penetrate your brain where apparently it's very effective. I just want to live a life where like going outside for like 12 minutes in daylight is less practical than buying a $300 iPod that just shines a laser into my ear.

And if we want to hear about practicality, I've actually I have pulled a little bit from the article where we talk about its use. And oh, I love it. I love I love no fewer than four things about this selection. I'm just going to before he gets to work. This is just when he wakes up before he gets to work the lifestyle diary of someone who uses the human charger, which who boy is a doozy. Yeah, 39 years old founder and CEO of neuro web marketing, a digital marketing agency, and founder of the Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy Centre, both of which are located in central London. Ryan Dunn.

Yo, this is Ryan Dunn and this is the Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy Centre. How did Ryan Dunn really die? Admit it. Admit it. The fake news media won't tell us the truth. So he was tested for chamber. We've seen how far he could push it. How would you could I get in the chamber could break me back? That's been doing it for years. I'm going to shine this laser to my dick. Yo, my name is Johnny Knoxville and I'm getting my dick bitten by a snake in the Hyperbaric Oxygen chamber 745 a.m. I wake up having had on average seven hours and 41 minutes of sleep. I've analyzed my sleep over the past four years and I know this is the perfect amount for me.

I turn on the near infrared light at the end of my bed and sit there for seven minutes meditating to focus my mind for the day ahead. Hold on. So that's a different light that he shines before he shines light in his ears. He has multiple lights. Okay, cool. All of the lights. All of the lights. Sorry. This is Kanye. Safe and voice. All of the lights. It gets very like Metallica if you do it in the Statham voice. We all know that all of heavy metal music is just the average of Jason Statham and Kanye West, obviously. Do we know that? Well, clearly. Now we do. Yeah. It's just like hippos being the white people of animals again. Look, you just say some shit and it makes us have to disprove it. Is that what you do? Is that the whole podcast?

You say something so dumb we're like kicked into action. He's basically just an internet debate guy. Like he's one of those guys that'll just come on Twitter and be like, like, water is a source. Just prove it. Just disprove it. I mean, to be fair, if you go to an eel and pie house, that's basically what fucking liquor is. It's just bad water is the best I can tell. Yeah. Empire House. No, it's Eel and Pie House. You know, they're liquor. You know, you pie. Eel and Pie House. Oh, yes. Liquor. I've never had that before. I live over the road from one. I went there for the first time two weeks ago. How was it? Bad. Yeah. Why would you eat an eel? It's not for me. A liquor is, as best I can tell, is water that you've

possibly slowly boiled some eels in. You thicken it up a little bit like a roux to make it sort of quite thick water, like with a bit of flour and then you bang a load of parsley in it. So it's sort of like a sort of, I would say a sort of parsley snot. Thick water. It's really bad. And then quite frequent. Real water. Any pie with which liquor is served has like just nothing in it. It's just sort of crust. It's mainly crust, however, they have a little bit of mince that someone invented in like the 1800s that they're still doing that way. That's their thing. But the problem, can I tell you the real problem with the pie and mash place on my street, which this is the... Please don't! How can we get onto this?

I hate to be the guest here, but like, this has gone too far. No, no, no, no. I want to hear it. It's going to get edited out because this is a bit where he goes really classist. Nate, the people who eat the pie, that's the real problem. No, no, no. It's going the opposite direction. The pie-like and scum with their water source. The problem is, because I live on Broadway market, the eel and pie shop over the road from me is a Wednesday nights only premium gin bar also, which is really bad. That's the problem. I wish it wasn't. What, like people drinking gin? Do they make the gin out of eel also? No, but hold on. Hold on. What's the clientele?

This is the crucial point because during the day, people eating pie, mash, horrible liquor, a normal sort of earth London people. I mean, it's a whole breadth of people basically, but it caters for everyone because it's a very cheap price point. Gin cunts who come out on a Wednesday night, different crowds. They're quite a bearable I tend to find. And Broadway market ones as well. I know. That's the fancy one. You said Broadway market and sort of the earth people. It's still technically an old East London stockholder. Am I wrong? I mean, the last time I went down to where you live in Broadway market,

I would not describe the people there in that way, but that's just me. A lot of them probably have spent 10 pounds on a little box of salt called salt of the earth that they put on stuff to rejuvenate them. Okay, but that's the good salt. That's the Saturday morning market salt. I understand that. But during the week, it's just a normal street. It just, I find Broadway market is like one half is like, uh-oh, gentrified London. And then the other half is like, oh, remember the old days? Like, remember violence. I was so in between the good old days and final. When I was your age, this was all violence. As far as the heart could see.

That's what they all had Northern accents back then. That's another thing that's changed. They beat those out of them. It's not a Northern accent. It's an olden times accent. Hello, I'm Jason Statham and I'm here to talk about what it used to be like when I was growing up in the East End. It was all different then. You couldn't buy smoked mold and sea salt. Do you even know what the fuck that was? You had to go and eat eel and pie and gin. Gin made of heels and pie made of gin. That was all you could have then. It's all different though. Fucking changed around here. Anyway, it's, it's one of the worst elements of Broadway market. Okay. Well, yeah. Eel and pie shop, good. Eel and pie shop, good. But like the kind of people

who think electro-stroke is still good, bad. We've been recording for 40 minutes. That's one edit, sis. All right, tell me. Okay. 820. I turned on my human charger. I still do the human charger. He got, he got what you said. Went back into it. Unbelievable. Tell me, tell me about the human charger, man. Finish it. You know why? I'm going to get through this because there's a point I have to get to, which is going to be very fun. Nate, don't edit this episode at all. The people deserve to know. A device looks like an iPod in the earpiece that shines light directly in your ear to give me energy. While I'm having my coffee, I fill it a spreadsheet containing a

bunch of facts of my piss. I'm skipping that. I'm going directly to 915. I leave the flat and I fist bump the concierge. Yeah, because I'm a man of the people who has a concierge. I fist bumped him every morning for four years that I've lived in this flat. I like to make people smile and feel valued. That's solidarity of the working class right there. That is like, that's like something David Cameron would do a photo op. Like, I'm just going to fist bump this guy. Vote for me. Thank you. It's dead. That might not have been very funny, but you have to admit it is true. Absolutely. That is something. No, no. God, just preview there. Cameron is the exact type. See a fist, put a hand around it because he was

going for the handshake and he couldn't make his mind up. I think David Cameron's a bit more aware. He's quite slick. He'd be coached. He's just like... David Cameron would be coached. He's had a fist bump last day, hasn't he? David Cameron has asked a fact. I've never thought about that. He's too hard, David. That's a punch. You don't want to presscott this, okay? We don't put our dick in it. It's not a pig. We just go for the bump very gentle and then back out again. Practice one more time. What I really want to see is David Cameron trying to like explode the fist bump too early and

it's like, no, no, no, David. We walk before we can run. Someone, freedom and information request this. Just find out. What if they got all the toys in the room and just taught them Facebook? We did the whole thing with the Tory... You know, one of the Tory conferences, they all stood in that weird way. Like they were tech and characters. And yeah. And it was like... So some newspaper was like, yeah, they definitely hired some sort of media consultant who suggested that this should be the pose because it would be the best way to take a certain kind of shot. But the problem was that the cameras that were taking pictures of

them were taking pictures of them at the angle that they didn't expect. A variety of angles, essentially. So they all just look like tech and characters because this camera was not in the position they expected them to be. But that ultimately showed that they did outsource all their kind of media ops training to someone. But I don't know who that someone is. All we can take from this is that it's better to have a room full of posture coaches who love you than a room full of photographers hungry as fuck. And here's... I'm going to wrap this segment with this.

I usually get an Uber to work or walk. I try to limit the numbers of Ubers I get as, of course, they're generally electric cars, which have electromagnetic fields. Yeah, that's the real problem. We've taken so many Ubers. It's negative electrons that get on your dick and you've got to get the positive vibe. That's what I say to people. Yeah, you have to rub it off with activated charcoal wipes. I prefer to get a steam-powered Uber. That's mine. It's too bloody electric, this car. Give me petrol any day.

Honestly, if you said I have an Uber that's powered with activated charcoal, people would pay quite a bit for it, in my opinion. Imagine this guy being like, petrol, that's a clean burn. Doesn't produce anything that can be bad for the health. Well, if he's inside the car, it's fine. He's not huffing from the exhaust, but a whole Prius vibrated at your cheek, absolutely. Oh, right there. No, that's a thank you.

That's a recipe for a limp farmer. Apparently, though, you do get exposed to more car fumes when you're sat inside a car than when you're walking along the side. Because also, you get fumes inside the car that aren't picked up, that come out of the engine bay. Not if he's got... Did you use the light he does up his nostrils? I just realised something, though.

If he's in an Uber, that is electric powered, and he's getting just these consistent electric shocks for his whole journey to work. He's basically living the Jason Statham and Crank lifestyle, right? Crank 2. Listen here, sunshine. If I don't get a fist bump in the next 50 seconds, I wake up at 7.15 a.m. and I feel a hoax of some electrodes to my nuts. Similar. And then I watch Viva La Ban.

Similarly, the tube is filthy and not good for your health. That's absolutely... This man's got a filthy tube, but that's what I'm here for. 10 a.m. When I arrive at the office, I fist bump every member of the team, 15 in total. That's a lot of fist bumps. It would get very annoying to fist bump that many people. So he doesn't want to be on the tube because he thinks it's dirty,

but fist bumping 15 people who have probably taken public transport because they can't afford Ubers every day. That's fine. Then I take a new traffic drug called an erasetam, which switches... Erasetam. Which switches my brain on. It gives me clearer thinking. It's one of the info wars.

It helps me... His first thought is like, I've got to stop fist bumping these filthy problems. It helps me not say the ad word for out of the day. It's my gaming supplement for gains. I'd like to talk about my favorite Italian... Well, my third or so favorite Italian American right now. Who are the... Right now in the current league tables, it's subject to change.

At the time of going to press. James Gandolfini, RIP. Obviously. The number one. The number one. Does he count if he's dead? Yeah, because he's worked well done. Okay.

You know, James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano. Italian Americans don't ever really die anyway, right? Yeah. No, they're highlighters. They just go up to the Satriali's meat store in the sky. Number two is still Anthony Scaramucci because of his great Twitter presence. They may. And number three is Mike The Situations Sorrentino from Jersey Shore.

I feel like you're forgetting Bam Marguerra's entire family, but okay. Oh, they're Italian as well. Of course they are. How would I not even put two and two together on that? Of course they're Italian American. I'm like nice for so much more sense now. Well, yeah, their name's Margera. One of them is called Vito.

Yeah, it does. Although it's called Bam, which is quite misleading. When I look at Bam Marguerra, I don't see race. I don't see... It's definitely Margera. Look, I just see an idea. Marguerra has faced a lot of races. No, you're doing it as well.

It's Margera. Okay, so I decided I wanted to juxtapose two of my favorite Instagram posters, who both are in a little bit of hot water right now. And that is Mike The Situations Sorrentino from Jersey Shore, third favorite Italian American. And Caroline Calloway, a friend of Milo... That's staying a lot of violence to the word friend. That's twisting the word friend into meanings it was not supposed to have originally.

Because both of these people at the same time have, let's say, fallen into some measure of hot water. And both have been really relentlessly posting through it. How many milliliters? We couldn't say exactly, but some undefined quantity. Enough for a hungry shark to swim in. And therein lies the problem, Joel. Therein lies the problem. So Mike The Situations Sorrentino is required to check himself into prison

a couple of days ago on Tuesday, January 15th. And he actually livestreamed himself doing it. In order to begin his eight-month sentence for tax evasion, which is hand to him in October. Now, with just a few days before the sentence begins, yes, Joel, you have a question. Can you fucking explain how you could check yourself into prison? Like how you could do that in America where you're just like,

well, I don't know. I fancy a bit of prison today. Why not? Can I do a month here and then maybe a month off? Like how the fuck is that a system? You realize that your lifestyle is going out of control and you're actually addicted to freedom. And so you voluntarily check yourself into prison rehab.

So what happened was he was convicted for tax evasion. He was sentenced to prison. Then in America, you quite frequently get given the option of checking into prison now or checking into prison in a few months. Why? Okay. I don't know. I shrugged in this audio media.

I've got some important YouTube videos I need to finish before I go to jail. For I qualify as a lawyer. The situation. I've got to learn karate. Okay. That's just a Rob Schneider film. Is it? Probably.

Learning karate for prison. There is a film which kind of like follows. It was like one of these really bad films, but it was about a guy who's just like, yeah, I'm going to go to prison in a few months. So I have to learn how to fight. And then he becomes friends with this like old, like old time, like, you know, stereotypical, like guy who's always in jail.

Yeah, DJ Pauly D. And the guy's just like, yeah, fuck it. I'll teach you how to fight. I don't know where the film goes after that. Juice Bigelow 3. Prison jiggler. The situation has been indulging in a few of his- He's being paid 12 cents an hour.

Has been indulging in a few of his favorite things, including Fun Fetty Cake and Chick-fil-A, with where he shared a series of heartfelt Instagram posts. Aw. Like what, what, what have, because how long is he doing prison for? Eight months. Like, come on. Like that's, that's crap prison.

And I do say that. There's nothing. And also it's, it's right between like, it's the amount of prison you do, where when you come out of prison, you tell people you've been in prison. They're like, oh, look at that. That sounds gnarly.

Like just long enough to miss sex and wine, but also not long enough for when you go into prison, they're like, how long you in for? He's like, oh, I checked myself in. Fancy the quick eight months. So like, let's beat the shit out of you with a toothbrush. It's one of those like prison sentences where you can start a Netflix series.

And when you come back to it, you won't really forget that much. Yeah. You'll still save your like time. And yeah, there hasn't even been a new season of it. Yeah. Right. You're like, oh, okay.

Still got queer-eyed to catch up on. Okay. No. This guy, my cellmate, he started committing violence against me. So when I just tried to explain him about the best program ever made, Viva LaBam.

Now whacking it on the top bug to Viva LaBam, the greatest eroticism ever produced. He has no respect. No respect for Don Vito. Don Vito and the whole Marguerite family. Nate, can you please link a video of Don Vito trying to talk in this description of this episode? Nate, I don't know you, but can you check Don Vito's alive?

He's dead. He's dead. Is he dead? Is he a rite of? No. Stop. Don Vito is already dead. Unfortunately, Don Vito is dead.

Okay. But did he go to prison first? Um, he was charged? Check yourself in because he knew he was going to die. Is check yourself in or die? Welcome to America. You got two options.

He wasn't or death. He was charged with some Jeffrey Epstein style inappropriateness. Um, I don't know if he- Don Vito doesn't know how to play. I don't know if he died in prison. Who among us is not home to play? Now, here's who we're comparing.

Don Vito thinks we're buying him a plane? Don't you think it's actually just a massive hanger full of angry bees? This is going to be fucking hilarious. So Caroline Calloway, actually known personally, not only to host Milo, but friend of the pod, Martha. Close personal friend. Is has also recently found herself as some hot water

as an Instagram influencer, as an self-styled storyteller. When she began the first of what was supposed to be a national tour of quote, creativity workshops kicking off in New York City, but then after charging attendees $165 a ticket for a four hour workshop about being yourself, announced that she would be canceling several dates,

moving them from their original locations, and then just outright canceling them all. Yeah. Just trying to teach people how to be a real person. Yeah. So shout out to this story, for this story, to Kayleigh Donaldson, I think it was, who's a journalist who broke this.

And so I didn't actually follow Kayleigh before this, but another friend of the show, Nikki Sage, who also met Caroline Calloway on all the one occasion, texted it to me like, OMG, she's back. And it was a bit of a sweet moment being reminded of the existence of Caroline Calloway, because to be honest, she's someone we'd all rather forget. But like, yeah.

So I met this person at Cambridge when she was, so basically she's like, I don't know where to begin with Caroline Calloway. So she was my age, but I was a third year and she was a first year, because she'd spent two years applying, as I understand, to like Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard, and Yale, and on like something like the third attempt she got in.

And she was at, actually, that's two internecine. So yeah, stubbornness pays off. That's the first lesson we take. That's the first lesson for the work. Instagram lesson. Yeah, that's great. I learned the same thing from Mike the Situations Sorrentino. Well, yeah.

Keep trying and you will go to prison. You check yourself into prison. Don't let prison check you in. You show that prison who's boss. He's just like misinterpreted that whole thing about like the beat up the biggest guy in there on the first day. He's like half reddit while asleep. And it's like, yeah, he's just got to show the prison who's boss.

You got to get to prison to beat up the biggest guy in prison. Prison's like a wild animal, like a hungry shark. You got to show it. I drove myself to prison, but then I didn't pay for the parking. And when I got out of prison, I hadn't paid the parking tickets for my car outside the prison. Then I went back to prison for parking tickets. It's the fucking system, man.

So Caroline. Right, Caroline. Yeah. So I met her because she had a brief and ill-fated stand-up comedy career, which I believe, believe lasted for one gig. Yeah, that face is correct. Sorry. For the listener, Joel is making the soy face right now

about how pleased he is at this fact. Did you see it happen? Oh, yeah, I was there. I was present. Do you remember any of the jokes? Do you remember the vibe? I do remember one key. It was the context of this.

It was like a footlight show that I was at and she seemed kind of nervous. And so like me and someone else were like just like calming her down a bit. And then she did like it was three minutes because the slots were all three minutes about her like weird six months that she spent in Italy hanging out with these Italian aristocrats. Hilarious. And then the Italian agent said, what do you call it? And she said, the Italian aristocrats.

No, anyway. It was just that it was just like her spending an afternoon with that much hero. She doesn't realize she was in Westchester, Pennsylvania. Caroline thinks she's an Instagram influencer. It would be so interesting if we could hit her with a flower crown. Okay, please go on. Did you? Caroline thinks we bought her a new gold iPhone to post on Instagram,

but it's just a case full of bees. It's going to be wild. It's three o'clock in the morning. Caroline thinks she's at an Italian aristocratic party, but it's actually just Don Vito with some hamburgers. Yes. So good. Fine.

Normal. So it was a, it was a full light show. Me and another guy were like calming her down, got chatting and she, she did this dance about like her thing in Italy, which was like, it was like not very good, but it was like well delivered because she's quite like a polished and the crowds at those things are really nice. So like it went down like, okay,

but I remember that the key joke of the whole set was that she thought the Italian word for cool is refrigo, which is actually the Italian word for refrigerator. And so she kept saying refrigerator when she meant to say cool. And that was basically the entire premise of the set. And there was just that in different situations. Little hicks over here. I know if, if George Carlin were alive now, he'd be like, damn.

Is it seven 30 words you can't say on TV? No. The one word you can't say as a filler word when talking to Italian aristocrats. Yeah. When would you like me to tell my other key Caroline stories? I have three top Caroline stories. Can I do the one that Martha sent in first?

Also, it should be noted that this girl is American. She did. Also, I think if I'm not stepping on one of yours, say to you that she's from New York, so she's automatically interesting. Yeah, I believe I think was the exact quote was sometimes I get a little bit insecure, but then I remember that I'm from New York,

so I'm automatically interesting. Right. So what I'm gonna say what she actually did was that basically after cultivating a following of like a million, we all know how Mike, the situation Sorrentino got famous, but after cultivating a following of like a million people on Instagram due to like sort of whimsically, sort of just sort of stumbling about Cambridge

and taking pictures of some castles with some filters and then posting some captions. She put on this workshop and this is the workshop that this person put on the person who thought that the height of comedy was to say refrigerator creativity, how to cultivate it, how to nurture it, how to express it in a way that's true to who you are inside, the basics of establishing style, crafting jokes,

reading like a writer and how to balance entertaining your audience with expressing yourself. Wait, she's like Garth Marengi. I'm actually the only person who's written more books than I've read. Build a brand on Instagram using my brand as a case study and explaining how I conceptualized how I grew it and why it works. Actually, I retract that joke because I've just remembered that rather famously, Caroline Callaway has written zero books

despite being paid to write exactly one book. She was offered a half a million dollar advance to write a book and then just... And she took it. She took it. But then, crucially, didn't... Got that she needed to write a book. Forgot to write the book.

And then tried to spin it as like a creative decision not to write a book because actually the real writing a book when you think about it is in not writing a book. Yes, Jess, it's all about the books you don't write, Joel. Yeah. And so this... If you only regret the books, you do, right? I'd rather have one book I didn't write than the joke doesn't work.

So this is what friend of the show, Martha, sent to me via DM. She once flooded the room of the guy who lived below her, a classic private school rugby lad. She then Snapchat recorded herself whimsically running around Cambridge Meadows, collecting him a bunch of wildflowers tied together with a ribbon and handing to them as an apology for destroying all his stuff. And knowing now that what college this happened at and knowing that it's described as a classic private school rugby lad,

I can almost imagine what this person is like one of five people. And I can imagine that his response was like, yeah, to be fair, Catherine was classic banner. And so I think... Catherine, her name is Caroline. So the thing is, she has a bunch of events. She charges a bunch of people $165 to go. It appears to just be nothing.

A lesson about being true to yourself. Like it appears to be the kind of lesson that you'd learn from Lil Xan and FaZe Banks. But she just is so astonishingly rich that it's unconscionable to her that she could have an idea and just have it not work and then see yourself covered in praise. She's basically like a Mr. Magoo, but with about confidence in your own loveliness. Well, here's the thing.

If she did it right, she would have got away with it. That's like the crucial thing. When this whole thing was unfolding, it was classic like that tweet was like, Twitter has a main character every day. It's your job not to be it. And she was it that day. I was like, oh, who's this person?

And then like 30 minutes later, I was like, well, now I know everything about her life. I have done zero work. I've got 1,500 tabs open. I know everything about her life. It's like, okay, if she didn't fuck up so consistently, because that's kind of what the story is. Because fucking it's America,

and she has 800,000 Instagram followers. She could feasibly just do a bullshit e-workshop and charge $165. And if she did it right, get away with it. But because she kept fucking up, like she was like halfway through the day, like doing one day of planning. You know that thing where you have to do revision

and you just do a really big planner and then you sit back and go, oh my God, I'm too pooped to revise now. She kind of did that, but like sat back from like, she looked at a map and picked three cities. They were like sat back and went like, oh my God, I got a double the ticket prices. Like every single choice was just like, well,

I've tried to do the work I said I'd do. It sucks ass, I can't be asked. Can everyone come to New York and hang out with me and I'll ladle hummus into your mouth? And from there, because she just kept fucking it and fucking it. The original workshop, if she delivered that, like, hey, one hour of coffee with the gals. I'm not going to be there.

I will not talk to you or make eye contact with you. Three hours of inspirational chat, which you could feasibly bullshit and sell to the kind of people who already follow her anyway because their Instagram stories are just like, they're like, I love them because they're like throwback twi. They're like old school Twitter twi. They're like 2012 era twi.

And it's like, okay, if you can still shovel that bullshit into people's mouths, go crazy. She was doing it in 2012 and she hasn't changed it at all. It's just the same. She is like peak adult journalist. Like the people who make journals are like, I fucking love that bitch. That's why I don't think,

I don't, when I look at Caroline Calloway or people like her, I'm not like, oh, you fuck you. I'm like, no, like you're actually like just expressing yourself. Yeah. It's just you're also like world historically stupid. Basically, like it was just a series of fuck ups. I was just watching it and going, this is someone who just keeps fucking up.

And then like, a boxer has extended a fist and you keep running into it. I'm like, oh, God, this hurts. Get up, go again. Like, listen, no one gets a flower crown, but you get to put a flower briefly behind your ear, take a photo with me. In a photo booth, we'll have a very private moment together.

Hand the flower back and move on. Like all the promises kept downgrading. I will hand make you salads. And then halfway through the first salad, like, guys, I'm not sure I can do all these salads. Can you pack a lunch? There will be a barrel of leaves. Can you bring my lunch to New York?

Making salad is hard. And if she just got away with it, if she just fucking did what she said, no one would have known. The whole, the whole hell thread would have happened. No one would have cared because basically, I saw her when, if she did this, it would have been like,

you know how you have Vogue and then Teen Vogue? It's like Goop and then Teen Goop. She's just gone, okay, well, these, the Goop people don't quite have the money for Goop yet. I'll get them while they're young. Get them good and young. Squeeze them for $165 and then keep, keep milking them. Oh yeah.

I thought I could make salad because I make salad every day, but then someone pointed out to me that making salad for 100 people entails making a lot more salad than making salad for one person. And to be honest, guys, this is all very stressful. You know, yes, yeah. That literally was one of our Instagram stories. Oh my God.

I didn't know how hard it was going to be to make this many salads. I hope you can all support me. That was the thing as well. Like you, I've made a wild salad before. It went fine. I've never tried to make a hundred. I think it got badly,

but like it was the running commentary like Jesus, have you guys ever tried to throw a fucking event? Jesus, this is hard as fuck. Jesus Christ. Well, hang on. No, I'm going to quickly jump back to our other person of a very similar mindset. The situation on Thursday,

he shared a picture from him and his wife, Lauren's wedding day that showed them kissing on the dance floor. He wrote in a quote unquote poetic caption. Why give up everything for one thing when you can give up one thing and get everything? Give up your tax money. You know, also it's eight fucking mothers who'll be back for the next anniversary.

Grow up. I'm sick of you. You're mulling the situation. Go to prison. Go to fucking jail situation. Go to jail. How dare you? Also, I'm just here to say that I've never passed go.

He was also continuing to promote what I can only assume to be his clothing brand, which is acronym titled BDS. What does that stand for? I don't know. I try to find a pop group called BDS. I don't think it's boycott divestment sanctions. Unless the situation is like way cooler than I thought.

I don't do it's and one of my but my favorite situation post is when he and Lauren stopped by a barbershop that he frequent and then you got to get shaped up for prison. They don't respect you. He held on to a cardboard box alongside the shop owner, his wife and then he posted and again before voluntarily going to jail for tax evasion. The things I used to trip over I step over today.

What does that mean? I think it's thanks to my personal trainer Jason Statham. I think I think it's it's about personal growth, but it's not about personal growth in any direction. It's about personal growth. Qua personal growth like a tumor. Yeah, it's in all my losses was lessons. So I better keep taking losses so I can get better lessons.

Oh, being a loser is good. I like it. It's a little flip question. How many Instagram followers does he have? Let's find out. You could approximate it. I don't need to precise on that. I actually have.

I think it's more than Caroline Callaway. Oh, okay. She doesn't actually have that many. She has less than a million. She has like 500,000. Come on. She should teach. She should teach.

I mean, in the context of some of these nutcases, she doesn't have that many. Like some people have a like like Jake Paul Dwarf's Caroline Callaway. Yeah, okay. Probably also in real life as well. So well, she's small. She's small.

She seems like a big man. She's like 5'2". She's not big. 1.8 million for the situation. So here's our question. Can he still do sponk on when he's in prison? Because they probably have enough archived photos of him like topless and flexing next to something.

They could photoshop a vest onto him. Like, did they do a photo shoot with a load of black vests and be like, if Mike was here, he would say, this is the best protein powder. That would require such a higher level of planning than either the situation or Caroline Callaway or K-Pool would engage in. Mike's eating waffles made of sawdust in prison right now.

And he endorses the hell out of them. Yeah. He's the best sawdust waffle I ever had in my life. Oh, no, he's going to release a prison fitness program when he comes out. Oh, of course he is. He's going to be like the Instagram Charlie Bronson. He's going to do a workshop.

Pose with him, make some wine in a toilet. You know, trade tins of sardines, get in a fight. That should be our next campaign is get Charlie Bronson an Instagram account in prison. Like, successfully take it to Strasburg that it is his human right to be on Instagram from prison because I would follow the shit out of that. Like the world record egg.

Can we get this photo of Charlie Bronson? Covered in his own shit and fight in prison. I love that, like, genuinely a thing Charlie Bronson used to do before getting in a massive fight in prison was to grease himself up because then it'd be harder to catch. Interestingly, it's like the hardest thing anyone's ever done in it. That's the most hard matter thing. That's such a level of planning of violence.

You've got to be a complete psychopath for that to be a psychological place. You've got to be violence, but I don't want them grabbing me. When the violence happens, I want to be a slippery boy. Interestingly, before she puts before he goes to J, before he invades taxes and before she puts on a creativity workshop, both the situation and Caroline Calloway also do grease themselves up. So they're much more difficult to sort of follow.

So we've decided between Mike, the situation, Sorrentino, and Caroline Calloway. Who's one Instagram? I think we can all agree. It's probably Caroline Calloway because she's using it to do fully automated luxury space communism, but like for people who are really dumb. Similarly to this, also she's free. She's won because she's free. She's not in prison. She by default, she whips.

She may be in a prison of her own making, but that's more conceptual. But her losses weren't lessons. That's the problem. That's the issue is the situation's losses were all lessons. She has refused to learn from any of them. It is actually Soviet communism because it's really badly organized. There were food shortages. In the end, it's completely collapsed. So, but I want to move on slightly to the issue of landlords because your new book, which I'm going to say is brilliant times five.

B5 is the way we tend to call it because it really is at our sake to say quite the name goes through quite a bit of your sort of like experiences in general throughout your life. But so one of the things that you write about is the phenomenon of the landlord and more specifically through how this sort of came to you through the London, London rental opportunity of the week. Yeah. Your most recent one is one that I actually found very interesting because it seemed to be three identical flats or near identical enough, all of which seem to have prices that were radically different from one another, but that were like in the same building in South Kensington.

Yeah, down the same corridor, like the same layout, the same rooms, but they were all rented through different property agents. So they had different prices because that's what the property agents decided it was worth. And all of them were a slightly sort of long corridor shape room and a bit of kitchen and then like a bunk bed above it and a ladder. So they were all the same room, but the difference was like 301 pounds from like the lowest rung of the ladder to your bunk bed to the top one, but they were just the same room. One of the sort of grand unified theories of the London rental opportunity of the week because I'll admit this is a this is something I've followed sort of quite closely because I've

spent the last well many years of my life renting in London, which is a miserable experience. Quite a few of them have a kitchen that appears to just be a hot plate or a microwave. Yeah, a toilet that's barely segregated from the rest of the flat. A bed that somehow elevated on a hope and a prayer. Yep. And a sitting room that has about as much leg room as an airline. Yeah, the sitting room sort of has to double or triple up as another room. Quite often.

The bathroom hallway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's this all one sort of space. And so what's with the London rental opportunity of the week? Like what are the things I think like that this shows is just like the extent to which anyone will do anything to a house to make money from it. That's like the recurring theme. And the kind of weird thing is the shitholes that I don't put on there. Because basically like, you know, sourcing one of those is kind of finding one that is,

you know, it ticks all the boxes it has. Oh, it's got two Hobbs at a microwave or sometimes just a microwave like, oh, the kitchens of a living room or something. But there's plenty of places that are like that, but actually kind of decked out in a way that's approaching nice, which is kind of what the Kensington ones were like this week. What I tend to look for is an image where you can get a whole fucking hell. Because quite often I will come across an image that sort of like hits me in the chest.

And I'm like, fuck me. Someone's trying to rent that. And not even. You rent a bed set into cars in the van. We put a ramp in there. We took the kitchen out. Don Vito thinks he's getting a five bedroom house, but actually he's going to be living on a shelf in Stoke, New England.

Come on. Don Vito could not fit into a single London rental opportunity of the week. My back check dog is going increasingly Jordan Peterson. Oh, don Vito needs to behave like a lobster if he wishes to succeed. Let's all be honest. If there's one person who is vulnerable to falling for the Charlotte and Jordan Peterson, it is Ben Margera unable to skateboard, looking increasingly like his dad,

and realizing that he has to stop being a teenager at the age of like 40. I think it's the other way around. I think Ben Margera can be the one to defeat Peterson. If he doesn't tidy his room. Wait, that's Statham. I got all my wife. It's Ben Margera 40. Because the other day, I discovered that I've,

me and my girlfriend arguing about how old Avril Lavigne is, and I discovered that she's only 34. I am shook. How young was Avril Lavigne when Skaterboy came out? Original world old replaceable one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the Brazilian clone, right? Yeah, I don't know.

I presume the age on Wikipedia is still the original one. Anyone can edit that. It's, yeah. Yeah, nine in the millennial. Because the other one is still pretending to be Avril Lavigne. She has to also pretend to be Avril Lavigne's age, right? Sorry? The other Avril Lavigne.

The other Avril Lavigne? Well, there's this theory that she would died and was replaced by a clone. It's like an early day QAnon type thing. Okay. Sorry. I didn't know it was a QAnon. I didn't know it was legit. If you think about it, and in a very extremely Adam Curtis voice,

it was the beginning of QAnon. Then something weird happened. And then there's a car to five, just like... A group of people in Beirut said, see you later, boy. If you play Skaterboy backwards, it's just Brian Eno. You get the clip from memory TV of some Hamas leader saying, see you later. And then that's when it starts. Okay.

Let's make that film one day. So, but there's a passage from your most recent London rental opportunity of the week that I want to highlight. All of these are the same flat in the same building. Some are dressed ever so slightly better than others, but that's the only difference. But the rent, that oscillates along the same corridor in the same building by 304 pounds per month.

This is what your property agent is talking about when he turns up at your flat, you're unannounced, twiddling a pen, asking you all to come out of your rooms instead of the sofas. Well, he tells you that the market rate means you'll have to raise the rent this month, and you've all got to sign a contract saying it's all right. That happens, right? That's happened to you, right?

Oh, yeah. That's happened to me on more than one occasion. I've had a flat once where the rent for all of us sharing it went up by 100%. 100%? 100%. That's mental. With what kind of warning? Three months.

Like an email or anything? Just like, hey. An email. They were like, hi, we've looked at the, because it was a three-year contract that I got into from spare room. Was your lad a little girl like that? Yeah, they promised me a little garden. We put some sticks in there.

Yeah, it was like, and there's not going to be salad, but you have to sign this contract. Yeah, they were like, we think we can get 6,000 pounds a month for this place. Holy shit. That's the thing, we think we could get. That sort of spurs the whole market because quite often, if you give them six to eight weeks to try, they can't. That's the annoying thing because it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If they think they can get it, they can. Like that corridor will be, the particular corridor in Kensington will be filled. And all of those will be filled and all the people, the person, the highest will never go and knock on the door for lowest to be like, what rent you paying for this shit are? Like it won't be a factor at all because that will fill. That's the nature of the market. And that's, I mean, it's hard to say that's a problem on the mind in it

because there's like a thousand problems at once. But that's one of the reasons because people are desperate for housing and they'll take it. But also those particular Kensington ones are kind of an interesting one because obviously Kensington is Kensington. It's the west end of London. It's west central. It's a glamorous place to live. It's aspirational.

Quite often, what I found, since we started doing this column, the first few times we did it, we, I, the comments on Facebook and everything would be like, I could live there or like, it's technically cheap for what it is. Like why are you ragging on this kind of shit whole place with the shit microwave and stuff? Which is almost a point. Like I do tend to veer away from like the very, very cheap places because if it is something where someone needs to live in London and they literally can't afford more than £108 per week

and they have to live in a, well, they have to because of all the market forces that make this reality. They have to live in a shit whole room where a sofa faces a bedroom and it's out in Colin Dale or whatever shit like that. Fine. I'm not going to really rag on that. But like when it's a middle range thing or when it's the kind of flat where you go, well, you could just have a flat share with one other person

and then have a separate kitchen from your bedroom. Something like that when it's at that price point, that's the one that kind of gets to be the most because that's the one where it's people with jobs and they're earning money and they're trying to pay rent to live in this city that's collapsing around us. And then for whatever reason, that's the place they end up on. I think we, like you've been called into a place where your rent got doubled. Like, great. Have you ever in eight years of renting here, like just kind of ended up in a place

for a whole year because that's how long contracts end because you had like three days left to find a place and that was the best of a bad bunch. Like you didn't have the luxury of going, well, maybe I can take another couple of weeks to find the right place for me or the right. You kind of go like, well, okay, because everything's going to get put on the curb in two days. If I don't fucking find a place, I'm going to end up in this place. Like I definitely have.

I don't know about you guys, but like that's another part of the market. Like when you were that mid to low wedge, suddenly desperation and urgency is completely different to someone that are slightly just one tier up in the rental ladder. Like the people who can afford like 800, 900 a month, they're suddenly way more comfortable on their search because they're like, okay, well, I'm not going to live in this shithole for nine under a month. I'll go find somewhere good. I'll take another month.

But like when your landlord just sort of in bags you and goes like, it's even that or pay me $600 extra, then you're suddenly put into living on a shelf. And those, sorry to keep fucking talking because I can see your face. But the Kensington ones, those aren't really aimed at any of the people you know. Those are aimed at like guys who earn 120k plus and they live in some beautiful mansion in a real commuter town, like two hour commuter town, not one hour commuter. And they just sort of go home for the weekend. They have a family up there.

Once met a guy who lived in Wales and commuted down to London and he lived in one of these like sort of, you know, bed-sit places during the week because he was just working Monday, Friday here. All he used those spaces for was sleep, you know, maybe microwave something, but more or less he would be like, well, I made it enough money. To him, it was like a kind of shit hotel room, but slightly cheaper than just literally getting a hotel. So that's what those Kensington things are for.

They're for rich guys who don't even live in the city and commute back out on the weekend. That's a whole problem all on itself because they're like, okay, well, okay, a thousand pounds a month, whatever. That means nothing to them, but everything to people who can't afford it. And then that's what drives the market up. The whole thing, like, I know this isn't an original thought that I'm about to drop on you, but top to bottom, it's absolutely fucked. And like the Kensington ones, they were indicative of so many things because not only had someone

taken a house in Kensington, segmented the rooms they had into as thin little scraps as they could, put a little bunk bed in it and then rented it out via different property agents. They're going to win. They're going to come out winning from that. They're going to make three or four grand a month consistently for the next their lifetime. That's it, Dan. Like, so to chip in here with, I lived in Russia for three years, and there are very few things I'll say as good about Russia because it is by and large, spoiler alert, terrible country.

But like in Moscow, the rental market is very expensive for muscovites because like the average salary there is like 500 pounds a month or something. It's very low. And so the average rent is something like probably two to 300. So it's like a high percentage of salary basically. However, it's like far more accessible to you if you have any money whatsoever, because you can literally just show up to like a landlord's place and say like, I want this place and give him like the deposit in an envelope and then just pay him cash rent

every month and he doesn't bother you. And like that's just how it works. Whereas like here, trying to rent an apartment is like being vetted to work at MI5 or something. It's like fucking like I'd never had to do it before and then I did it in August. And it's just like fucking insane. I have all these people who seem like bailiffs phoning me up demanding to know what I earned last year and I'm like, well, I'm actually self-employed. So it's quite complicated.

And then like, I don't know. The whole thing just seems like it's completely structured to like crush people who aren't a incredibly wealthy and also be like have incredibly conventional ways of earning the money that they do earn. Like if you're basically, if you're not in like a PAYE salary job, it's like an absolute fucking nightmare to try and get an apartment of any kind. Like when I'm detailing the landlords I've had, there was one where I nearly had it when I was first trying to rent in London.

And they made so many calls, not just to me about my salary and my earning potential, but like to my boss that I was like, I'm pulling out of this already. Like my boss had three phone calls in one day, not even like missed calls. And they're like, oh, sorry, I didn't try and get you or anything like that. Like actual phone calls, asking about like my salary, how long I'd been working there. Like I was a temp at the time. I just got to London. I was getting paid on a weekly shear, I had to tick out.

And he was like, he was a reasonable boss, but he was like, this lad lady cannot be calling me and asking me your salary and like your performance at work and what the likelihood is that we're going to give you a permanent job. Even I don't know that. And it was like, if she's been that much of a dickhead before, if he was set foot in the place, I don't think getting a boiler fixed on her time. You've got to be, you've got to be, you've got to know the right Pakistani uncle. Who can, who can let you play?

Like I'm being legit here. They're the guys who are like, you know, they'll accept cash in hand. They won't like fix anything. Your walls will like be broken for a long time and he'll just be, you know, he won't give a shit about it, but it'll be super easy. So you've got to know the right Pakistani uncle. Give me a call if you need some names. Don Vito thinks he's a Pakistani uncle.

Actually, he's just phoning up a 10 page and see 100 times a day. It's going to be hilarious. What this always sort of demonstrates to me, right, is that we, there is this ideology where we say, okay, we need to put stuff in private hands because private companies and private landlords, that's going to be more efficient. We're going to fix things better. We're going to give people better living standards. We're going to build more homes if we just privatize it.

Private, private, private, private. But when your incentive is just to squeeze as much money out of a place as you possibly can, whether that's because you're a private landlord or because you're a company and you're obligated to give as much money as you can to your shareholders, or to, let's be honest, the fucking like Duke of Grovener or the like, you know, Royal, the crown estate or whatever. You're legally obligated to get as much money out of it as you can. If someone advises you, you have, if you could make the most money from this place,

by cutting it up into like human sized pods for workers to go into commas for, you know, 12 hours at a time into, then they're- Have a laser beam shone instead. Then they're legally obligated to do that. Well, yeah, I mean, that's the thing. It works. Like I kind of have a begrudging respect for the landlords who just take cash and have it and don't give a shit and don't fix anything because they like,

they leave you the fuck alone. The ones who don't fix anything have a direct deposit and they're like, no, we're your property agents. We're improving this. And in six months' time, your rent goes up because we're a professional operation. They're way worse than the ones who are just like, you have a room, right? What the fuck more do you want? Just give me the envelope and shut the fuck up.

That's, I kind of get like, and I do get, you know, some landlords, you know, I'm not even going to go close to a landlord apologizing. Like, some like to think that they're small businesses and that they're very humble and that you say bad stuff about them as like undermining their precious little business, but like, come the fuck up. Some of them are like fucking Instagram people as well. But like guys who like manage a few properties. I'm being like legit here, right?

There are guys who like manage a few properties in London and they like set up Instagram accounts where they basically just like give business advice as they like, you know, sit martinis by the Thames. While they're eating Chick-fil-A. Pictures at the top of the shelf. It's like, these are like your dad's properties, man. Come on. Owning stuff isn't a fucking business.

Like just like owning stuff and charging people to use it is like hardly like you just, you just have things that other people don't have and you're charging them back. People wanting to rent to me, people wanting to rent from me because I was inspirational and they were like, if I live in your premises, then I can achieve the same type of greatness. And I looked into his eyes and I said, son, you'll never be able to achieve the type of greatness that I attain. But you might come close. For my bath leaks, he's the guy I want fixing it.

While I go out and scoop some flowers for the guy downstairs. I want this motherfucker. But there's a situation. Who are you going to call? The situation. Let's ask ourselves the question, right? Like legitimately, what has a landlord ever done that a property services company hired by a tenants organization couldn't do?

Believed in himself. Gone to jail voluntarily. Boycotted B&Q. That was my favorite one when they boycotted B&Q because B&Q donates to Shelter, which is like a racist anti-landlord organization. Right? There was a guy in my mentions when that one happened and he was like adding landlord things and being like, guys, this is pretty bad optics.

Landlords aren't thinking about optics. They're not really thinking like, how do we get the good name of landlords out of the gutter? We put it in. They're thinking, I can't believe they're helping those homeless fucks. I am taking my B&Q business elsewhere. Excuse me, B&Q, we prefer the term people of land. We don't like land owners. We like the term land sharers.

They give us a bit of their wage. Maybe it's more than 50%. And we give them a bit of land temporarily. So I was at a party at a mate's house in like Bermond's E a while back. Yeah, okay, fine. Anyway, actually it might not have been Bermond's E, it might have been Battersea. I don't remember. It was south of the river somewhere. That's somehow worse.

How's that worse? How's that worse than the Cambridge Braggings? I don't know. Some B places south of London, I don't know. Where the scum live. I never live E1. I don't get it. Anyway, and the neighbours kept making noise complaints about this party,

which was objectively an extremely tame party. There was nothing noisy really going on, but like fine. If you want to complain about the noise, whatever. But they made like three separate noise complaints each time. My mate goes out and apologizes and says they'll turn it down, which they did seven, three times. Third time, the woman who lives in the house next door says to him, yeah, well, let's be honest, you rent and we own.

So I was like, never has someone lost the upper hand in a discussion so fast. And he was like, I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say. I was like, why did you not come and get me? I would have had so much fun trolling this woman for the next seven hours. You could just plug a mic into the speakers and turn it up. And you control her against her will. Yeah.

Well, that's when that's when I would have with the trolling gone really sincere and just gone. I can't believe you would say that. That's such an incredibly classist thing to say and just like and just really push them to the limit. I would have gone the other way. I would have said, oh my God, you should have said something. Oh my, you saved up that deposit?

I'll tell it down. You or or your parents saved up that. Oh my God. Why don't you tell me? Okay. So that's funnier to ask, but it doesn't get under their skin as much because that just confirms their suspicion that you're a dickhead. Right.

That like makes them feel like they're right. That's why you see I'm the joker here. I'm the one who's really pushing their emotional limit. The only thing you can do those is you just go, okay, I'm going to bring the price of your property down. You like break every window around their house or you break all your own windows. How do you like that? That's the main option.

You start tagging the front of your own house. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, how's your house price now, dickhead? Oh, when's your mortgage coming up for renewal? Because the back's going to want to look at your flat again. I'm going to build a better window. So how do you like that?

So I think that's the official trash future anti landlord praxis. Vandalize your own house to bring down the value of other houses in your vicinity. And then maybe of your own house and your rent goes down and then maybe we can make it so that people can actually live in London again and it won't be a garish playground for management consultants and a sort of cash cow for landlords. Yeah. We'll bring back the your pie houses, the violence. Fuck yeah.

Ruin your landlord's house. Ruin your whole street's houses. So I'm going to take this opportunity to say, Joel, thank you so much for coming in to the guyhouse hall today. No, thank you for having me. Had a great time. You handled it extremely well. Can I just say, please buy the book.

Please God, please buy the book. I work really hard on the book. Please buy the book. And if you somehow like my voice, there is an audio book. It took me three days to record. You can't just listen to me read the book out. But please fucking buy the book. Buy the book.

Buy the book. That's the main message we're going with. The official position is by the book. An audio book is like a podcast but with one person. Yeah. That's not good. It stays way more on topic. Yeah.

Yeah. It's fully scripted, I think. Yeah. No one takes like a P like halfway through. No, no, no. Well, they edit it out if you do. Interesting. Yeah.

You need to buy the book. No, I've never experienced this before. You need to buy the book because Joel has exactly eight months to get the situation's money together or get evicted. Joel thinks he's rid of the book. But actually, he's about to get slapped with a fish. Additionally, he just gave him a shitload of lutes and he thinks he wrote a book. When he opens this book, it's full of bees.

It's fucking hilarious. And he's on a ramp. So, we also have a live show on the 21st of February. That's the first time I've ever gotten that right with Josie Long. It's at the Star of Kings and Kings Cross. Tickets are going to be linked to the description. They are. And also, if you like this show for some reason, you can subscribe to our Patreon.

It's five bucks a month. You get a second episode, which also is good, apparently. It's exactly as good as this one. That's all we'll say about that. Sometimes, I like to talk to serious authors about left politics. Yeah. Serious or something. Today, we were talking to an author.

Or so he thinks. How do you not think he's on a podcast? We're just like all like Johnny Knoxville. You roll some hat on V.A. The greatest and most specific prank ever pulled. Joel, Joel, what have I told you about going on your father's podcast? You're going, Don Vito, Joel, where are you going? You're my broadcast.

No, I was doing April. I was doing April. April's the one who scolds. The other Don Vito and then Phil's just got angry. You got a buck? What a buck? No, don't worry. We'll see you in real time.

What am I doing? Nobody cares about the Lord's podcast. Jesus, the levels, the levels. Also, on the 31st of January, on the 31st of January this month, the first month of 2019, Milo thinks he's having a preview of his Edinburgh show, but is he really? Come and find out. It's at the Seck Fruit on Thursday, the 31st of January at 8 p.m.

You can sign up for tickets at the link in the description. Are you doing a show at Josie Long, too? Yeah, that's on the 13th of Feb, which is the next smoke after my preview. There's so much Josie Long content you can invite through us. The tickets are also live for the Josie Long one. It's more important that you come to my preview because I'm confident the Josie Long tickets will sell. May I edit that, as you please?

And finally... I also do buy tickets for the Josie Long one as well, because it'll also be... I have no updates other than... I don't know. Yu-Gi-Oh is a race now. I don't know. I don't know.

Hussain thinks she has no one! Are you feeling like white Don Vito? I just keep thinking about the Irish in the pyramids. That's all I think about now. Or just days when I just think to myself, shit, the Irish really did build the snakes. Like the way the Irish built the first Qing dynasty, I thought was really inspiring.

When the Irish Mongol hordes rode across Central Asia, the Qing dynasty sounds like a slur. It's a real one! I do have an announcement, which is that I am going to be joining Toursis soon, and as an investigative reporter, and my first investigative report will be about Jeremy Corbyn's secret meeting of 6'9".

Jeremy Corbyn thinks he's meeting 6'9". It's just Don Vito with face tattoos! It's Don Vito in rainbow dreads! It's just Don Vito saying the n-word! Holy shit! If 6'9 could somehow be on the grave, hire Don Vito. Wait, 6'9 is alive, isn't he?

No, Don Vito is dead. Oh, no, okay, I was going to say. It's only 8'6", because I didn't test you on this dead. Here's the thing. I'm done, I'm done. No, no more of this. We're going to talk about the rest of this in private. However, our theme song is by Jin Sang.

It's called Here We Go. You can find on Spotify. It's very good. Buy our books, come to our events, enjoy our content, goodbye forever. You think you're listening to our content?