TRASHFUTURE - The Shed Chronicles ft. Oobah Butler

Episode Date: December 14, 2017

LATE WEEK BONUS EPISODE We talk to Ooabah Butler (@Oobahs) about how he gamed Tripadvisor to get his fake restaurant into the number one spot, and the determined weirdos still trying to get reservations. Then the most funny thing that has ever happened on our show happens. We also go into a dumb product (extra dumb) and Oobah's newest project, building a sex robot "for the many." On this episode we have Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@milo_edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), with Olga Koch (@rocknrolga) sitting in for Abi (@AbiWilks) and Oobah Butler (@Oobahs). Like, follow, and subscribe my loves! And give us a retweet if you think this episode bangs - it really helps! xoxo Riley

Well, hey, I have another fun fact, which is Jonah Peretti, the king shit of BuzzFeed Mountain, ends meeting by saying that BuzzFeed had a good business year per sources. Are getting and I don't know if we think this is too generous, a $250 bonus along with a yellow BuzzFeed beanie, a tasty cookbook and other swag love to collect my fat cats with their yellow beanies. How bad is other swag that it has to be called other swag if beanie gets called out? Where are the free yellow beanies for podcasters used to get like more swag when I used to get this bag of swag?

So the fact they're only really getting like a yellow hoodie and like probably some back dated old his time at BuzzFeed is actually where Hussain got his diamond grill. Maybe they just put all the other good swag into the hat. Maybe it's like part of the redundancy package. Although into the yellow beanie hat, having seen having seen a lot of the BuzzFeed sort of redundancy chatter on Twitter, I wouldn't be surprised if the swag you get in the hat is Jonah Peretti takes a giant shit in it. More or less, or it's actually just your P 45 or stole out yellow stickers.

That would actually be the most like online digital media company thing for you to pick your employee benefits and services out of a hat. Like you get a random to it's like, oh, I got I got a Pizza Hut disco. He got private health care. I think that's as good a time as I need to transition into the hashtag content. Love content. This is love to you content. This is still trash future of the podcast about how the future unless we get fully

automated gay luxury space communism soon is trash and it's become gay luxury space communism now before it was a gay and I am joined by some of my usual co-hosts, some new faces. Who's coming at me from the ball? That would be Milo Edwards, comedian, comedian to the police state. You can find me on Twitter at Milo underscore Edwards, but I'm soon coming home, bitches. I'm no longer going to be in the bowl. I'm going to be high in the mic.

It's going to be his last apartment, eating his cheese. And that that is not a euphemism. Hussain Kizvani, you can follow me at H Kizvani. I actually don't really have anything funny to say for my intro this time. I wasted it all last episode. So you can just go back to the last episode, listen to my song and then learn about me and sitting in for Abby Wilkinson. Today we have Olga.

My name is Olga. I do comedy. My Twitter handle is at rock n' roll guy and I've definitely eaten ass. That's really that's a joke for the fans. It's a joke for the day ones. There's a joke for the man and my girlfriend's mum, who has only ever listened to that episode of the podcast and he still never met me. And today we are lucky enough to be joined by a robot love man with a face. So dish like he's very liquid for moisturizer.

And yeah, this is this is the dishwasher cast. We're going to be talking sponges, scourers, hot versus cold. That's great. That's great. Yeah, but Uber Butler also sounds like a new app start up where like you just need to have only temporarily. Yeah, it's like the reboot of our would use the block chain goes down. Yeah, it's the work. I recognize as our chief.

So you can't search swastikas. I'll get to that. I bet that's what made me think of Blue Tech Trump reply or Jeeves, where you have to only search things in the form of sir, sir. Show me what sponges are a disgrace to my dishes. It's like when you write into the times, but for an online search engine. But you may you may have sort of recognized Uber from his from his writing most recently on Vice,

where he owned the Libs by inventing a fake restaurant in his shed. Yeah, we talk a lot about owning the Libs, but he actually went and did it. I mean, we we we talk. He saved up. He bought the Libs fair and square. Come on, let's. And so we are going to be talking about that. But first, before we get into that, I've actually got a trash future

classic style bit, which is I've found yet another terrible product that reminds us all that we live in hell world. Doug Jones may have won in Alabama, but we are still being routinely owned by dumbasses with startups. So this product with don't don't be craning don't be craning. This product is by a company called Mellene and the product is called the bar hyphen Stinger Black.

Fitness fitness. I'm like what it sounds kind of fascist. It sounds like something that sounds like something that B.A.E. systems make to destroy the open bar a Yemeni wedding. But Yemeni wedding has an open bar. I mean, I was going to say that it might be like a very liberal one. Truncheon to go and just talk to black people on Saturdays. No, it's the social order keeper.

What's it called again? The Stinger Black, the black, the Stinger Black. Yeah. And it's by a company called Mellene Jesus Christ. Mellene, Melanin, Stinger Black. So I'm guessing it's I'm guessing that's the color. Uh-huh. You're the Silicon Valley style. It's a huge strap on.

There you go. You go in functionality. Well, that's the funniest we're going to get out of that particular element of this guessing game. I'm going to give you a go strap on. A little bit more detail and this is copy from the website. There is nothing more freeing or liberating. Okay, that checks out than designing our dream blank without limitation on

cost or creativity. The Truncheon is a fucking Truncheon. The piece gives an entirely new meaning to setting the quote bar and the drum dyed polished stingray inlaid next to the beautiful vs diamond really lets them know you have arrived. There's diamonds and a stingray slash Strap on. Who's they? Who are you letting know?

Can we get a price, please? Yeah, it's $1,200 American Strap on them. Yeah, it's a strap on that can also be used to control riots. You're getting fucked in the ass two ways. Yeah, it's got a it's got a diamond in it. Okay, I'm going to do that would make riot control fairer if they if the police had to wear their batons of strap on because it would require a greater degree of like manual dexterity to like, you know, beat, beat, you know, rises to death.

Like they'd be poaching so much talent off of Pornhub like Rocco Sifredi would become the new head of in high five Rocco Sifredi controlling a riot like, Hey, so do you speak English? Do you like do you like? Dix North can lead GCHQ. I'm going to read you a few more elements of this thing, and then I'm just going to reveal to you what the fuck it is. And then you're all going to have aneurysms.

It has a custom molded matte red bar with genuine stingray inlay trim, tuxedo wool back panels, a signature travel box in red and a sign certificate of authenticity, a genuine diamond logo. Like the name I'm just imagining it's a strap on it. I'm not sure how much funny I'm not sure what it is, but is it is the Damien Hurst do it? Is he responsible? Okay, I'm going to finally reveal to you guys what it is, and I'm going to

reveal it in this segment in this sentence, one year, sourcing materials, five months of development, one hat that blurs the lines between art and headwear. Does it have a box logo? It's also a hideous. It makes you look like a gangster waiter. It's sold out. Yeah, it's sold out.

Fucking hell. Does the diamond inlay come in the shape of that like thumb and fore finger hand gesture that means you can punch someone in the arm? That would be worth it. It looks good. It's above the waist though, isn't it? Oh, shit. Unless you wear it tied to your ass.

I mean, and then we go back to the dildo area. Yeah, so, um, yeah, you can purchase a $1,200 hat that is made of endangered animals and probably conflict diamonds in order to look like a server at a hip hop party and quote, show them you've arrived. Yeah. I think we should get them for the show. Well, we already want, um, Abby has already put it, put out a request to the listenership that we get a crypto kitty.

That would be nice. You guys wear the bar as much as you want. I have my yellow Buzzfeed. I'm good. Now that's a fucking severance package. It could be a stinger inside of it. Look, you're fired, but you know, you now are asset rich in the form of this hat. It blurs the line between art and headwear, which is a line I'm very

comfortable keeping. It blurs the line between headwear and a severance package. It could also be used as a dildo. I mean, I was just saying, it's probably, it's probably mostly used by dildos. It may not be a dildo, but we are. Okay. I, before we move on to like the core content of the show, this is just this website is like a perfect storm of douchebaggery and I've found there about

us section and it's pretty good. Hell yeah. For us, a hat isn't just an accessory that we occasionally throw on as we're leaving the house. It's the most critical part of our every day wardrobe. Are you sure they are covering their dicks with it? If they had to leave the house without one item of clothing, if they had to leave the house with no items of clothing except one, they would choose a hat

that would walk down the street while look naked. Here's why it's set for a hat. The first thing someone sees when they look at your face as opposed to your face, I guess, and their first impression of your personal style. It's got to be trousers, hasn't it? It's the first thing someone sees when they look at the top of your head. What kind of hat covers a face? The first thing someone sees when they look at your face is your face.

It's the billboard that tells the world who you are, what you value, your passions, where you're from and how you live your life. That part's true. Is that for me? That part literally is true. That's not my hat says. Or you could go to the Jake Paul shop and just get a hat that says squad. Whatever the chopper joke, I'm keeping it in.

Yeah, I thought it was more just like Jake Paul, who like I'm a big fan of. I actually did wait outside the store. I didn't get any swag, unfortunately. OK, we're equally comfortable in board shores of the beach as we are dialing it up to go out on Sunset Boulevard. The one constant is that we never go anywhere without wearing it. Is it just for balding men, though? Yeah, it could be that.

Yeah, this sounds like it could have been written. It sounds like a Belgravia center advert advert, doesn't it? Your hair is the first thing people see. This is Elon Musk before he got his hair. I mean, I can sort of relate in the sense that like whenever I go out, I will never take off my fedora. I wouldn't recognize you without your shirt. Yeah, that's so weird.

But that's really more to prove I'm a male feminist who respects women. What I thought was interesting is when Olga came in, you all say that Hussein leapt up to hold the door open for her. And then before she could say, thank you, said, you're fucking welcome, bitch. I, for one, can't wait for a male feminist to snag his wallet chain and a passing bus and get dragged down the street. I have got a wallet chain. What are chains are useful?

They're good and they keep you safe. Holy shit, he's got a wallet chain. Oh, my God. So what is your opinion on Paul Joseph Watson? Oh, that guy. I can't get a friend of the show. Don't leave him out, guys. He can't get it up.

The dick van dyke of the all fucking right. Except now he can get it up after a line of brain force plus. It's a rush of blood to the dick like no other. That's what all the sweet hats were filled with. Oh, man. OK. Isn't it sort of weird though, like just thinking about it now, but actually Alex Jones has this really good business model.

It's like survived the test of time. Like so, you know, because he info wars has existed for like decades, right? And their model has always been we're going to do news. We're going to do like little films, but we're going to survive based on like pills, right? Like medicine and he hasn't really changed it, right? Actually, like if anything, you know, maybe at least from like an aesthetic level, like, you know, he's expanded his studio, he's hired staff and everything.

And the model is still the same. So actually, you know, Jonah Peretti can kind of, you know, be all smart as he wants of all the like the synergy bullshit. Alex Jones is the king of media, man. Yeah. If you take the blue pill, everything you did was before. But if you take the soy pill, you'll be screaming on the internet about stabbing someone's mum at the mall.

Do you think he does the morphous model? If you take the blue pill. What are the most pointless internet, first internet things that there was to do Lawrence Fishburn, and it was just changing as Wikipedia to it was there for years. And it was just Lawrence Fishburn gained a significant amount of weight between the first and second matrix. It was there for years.

Then one day someone took it down. The only person who would have taken that down is Lawrence Fishburn itself because everybody else can see that it's true. That was that was that was that was my first piece in many ways. I used to know a professor at Cambridge and there was there was a rumour that he used to edit. He didn't have his own Wikipedia page, but there was a rumour that he used to edit the Wikipedia pages of his rivals.

And he had like a running feud with this guy at Harvard, who wrote like some article, like dismissing most of this guy's like doctoral research or something. And if you go on the guy from Harvard's Wikipedia page, there's a bit about his spat with this particular professor, who I won't name. And it's like, yes, yes, he may massively dismiss Professor X's research on this, this and this. And it's like, but then Professor X responded with a devastating article, which completely rebutted all of the claims.

It's like, hmm, Stephanie doesn't sound like he's really fine. When we get a Wikipedia page, this is like what I'm probably going to do. You're going to vandalize our. I think just copy and paste the description of the hat website. We spent four years sourcing materials for a podcast. It's made. It's got a diamond in it somehow. No, that's once we get that Patreon, but well, if Patreon still exists, once we get that Patreon money, no, Patreon.

Yeah, we're going to have to go on now. I mean, I have to go and put it in $420 a month in every single knob of my mixer so I can get a little bit so I can make that perfect sound, that luxury. Oh, shit, I turned off my microphone. It's back on now. If only I had a diamond, that wouldn't have happened. Um, so that kind of, I think that segway is pretty well into our other thing we wanted to talk about.

But first I had a question. Um, I was I've been I was reading a sort of a couple articles this morning to bone up, essentially. Nice. Nice. You guys, you fucking children. I hate you. This is supposed to be an adult podcast. Um, so I was beating off to some articles this year, but I noticed do you have you have an IMDB page?

Yeah. Yeah, what we what we're working to now. I just noticed you did have an IMDB page. What about that? Is that for a prank or is that ongoing? I've had, you know what? You're like the fifth person to ask me this since I've done a shared article. No, I just used to make films. Oh, cool.

Nothing. I mean, there is a prank in there, though, isn't there? I mean, I you could totally get invited to the Oscars. Well, you need to use molester child and your your advice in the post. Roy Moore to host next year's Oscars. Maybe maybe the prank will be to get elected in Alabama. Could be. I just had this image today in my head of Roy Moore outside a polling station trying to stop people voting against him

and being like, aren't you a little old to vote? I mean, I personally am looking forward to an arrow of a kid. It's three kids stacked up in a trench coat becoming president. I think that's going to be great. Yeah. But OK, let's get on three times the brain. Let's get on to the this thing. Yeah. So before we crack on,

you just want to give a little background as to what the fuck it is that you did. Yeah. So basically, I I live in a shed right in Southeast London. And I got my shed that I live in verified as a restaurant on Tripadvisor in April. And then I spent six months getting it to number one in London, which I did. And then once it was number one in London, I opened up to a night for a night to the general public who then tried to book again. So yeah, we're in like the meals you were making, like ready meals, right? Yeah, ready meals, but dressed up like a wanker would appreciate.

Like, like with, yeah. And I mean, I mean, I literally like you with micro herbs and edible flowers and that kind of thing. I am a fucking sucker for that shit. And the photos were incredible, like the foam in your foot. Oh, so good. Oh, what? And so someone else is voting on. Yeah, like, yeah, I guess that that was for the website.

So they get verified. I mean, everyone can do this at home. Get verified as a fake restaurant. Tripadvisor is very easy. You just need to have an address and I just put the I don't have a door. So I just put the name in my road. Then I see you don't even really need to have a proper address. You just have an approximation.

Yeah, exactly. And then be willing to sacrifice off your post code up as a sacrificial lamb. Like now now, dear listeners, you can you can look on Google Maps and find out where I might just be sat watching Chris Terrence Extreme Railways. That's literally yeah, it's on it's on Google Maps, baby. Yeah. And then you just need a phone and that's about it. Like, that's all you need to get verified on Tripadvisor. It's not that anyone could do this.

It's just who else would, I don't know, maybe everyone else now. So I just like a late breaking update. I just received an email on my computer your what on my sorry, what from Vince Cable of little Democrats. The subject line is just disappointing. Sounds like he didn't get a reservation. He's exactly the kind of guy.

Yeah. OK, so so you did this, but also like this isn't the first kind of time you've done this kind of thing. Yeah, like, yeah, I guess I've spent the past like the first thing I ever did, which was about two years ago this week or two weeks ago. Happy birthday to fucking with pretentious idiots. Yeah, it was basically like I did a thing called like his music harder to sell them religion.

I went I went I went to Jehovah's Witness Church's Kingdom Hall. Sorry, sorry, guys, sorry, guys, and I went to Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Halls and went to like when in is it pretend I was going to join the church. And then like when into seminars, they teach people. They have like these really weird, embarrassing ways that they're like seminars of where they teach people how to go door to door. So like you'll go in and it will be like, OK, so here we go. Here's Kate, you're going to pretend that you're at the door and you're going to pretend you're going.

And it's like they do like these acting out. And it's like, hi, can I come in to talk about God? I'm sorry, but I've just lost my daughter. Oh, OK, can I come in to talk about God anyway? And then they're like, stop, what went wrong? What went wrong? And they're like, so they like and then everyone's like, she wasn't very considerate. And it's like, very good, Janie, you're doing great.

Whereas what actually went wrong was the person didn't reply. No, fuck off and slam the door in their face. Yeah, that was it. That was that was the real the real mishap. The tragedy there. It's sort of like a matrix simulation. Right. Yeah, that's it. That's it. It's imagine that it's lots of.

It's just an overweight fish burner. I know he's underweight, then he's very fit. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. What were you doing? What were you doing when you were looking at the girl in the red dress? Right from the creep. Yes, anyway, I went to these. So yeah, I went to these kind of kingdom halls and led these people into a full set

security, they allowed me to come out on walks with them. And as all I was doing it for, so I could count the amount of people that let them in the house. And I conspired that as like a sale. And then I went to like similar areas of the bag of CDs and tried to like outsell them. And the whole thing was sold as like science. And it was like is music harder to sell them religion now?

What was the answer? I lost. I saw two CDs and religion had five doors out of a hundred. Jesus, only lips. Yeah, he loved it. So yeah, that was the first. Religion is free. Oh, yeah, that's true.

True. Well, that's true. And also religion isn't hampered by sort of an age of increasingly digital storage media. Yeah, that's true. Well, you can own your Bibles. Yeah, you can only I only stream my religion now. I do. What are you using? It's problematic because less money goes to original artist, the big. I want to go door to door with the trash boys and sell copies of take a knee.

My ass, I won't take a knee and see how. But you're in the you there. You might get killed by an icicle, man, but you're in the right space there. In Moscow, be even weird because no one would even know what the fuck that was. Leave this place now. OK, yeah, it wasn't my first ruse. That was the point. Yeah, because you've done another couple, the fake Edinburgh show.

Yeah, yeah. And the rising to the top of Paris fashion week as well. Yeah, yeah, they were them. Yeah, you know, market store designers. I mean, yeah, people can read about this. Yeah, the backstory of that is great. Like when you found the person who actually made the clothes. Yes, man. That was just that was insane.

So I guess what? So why why do you think you do? What it seems to just be these sort of social experiments? What's the what drives you to do them? I'm not really sure, but like I'll give you an example. I've been in it. I've always done it. I spent my teens kind of slightly trying to repress this part of my character,

but then people started throwing money at me to do this thing. So we are fucked or a yellow beanie. Yeah, we were fucked for a yellow beanie. I've got this yellow beanie. That's basically how people become drug dealers. Yeah, there you go. So I mean, I know this is that. Wait, did you coordinate BuzzFeed's

seven packages this year? Guys, I told you, NDA, come on, Jesus Christ. I'm not a prankster. I just occasionally do pranks for my friends. At BuzzFeed. Jonah Peretti is a multi-year Uba Butler Psy hop. Well, that's when, yeah, I mean, you've kind of killed it now. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's this story, basically, I mean, when I was really every there was one shop in my village that came from Feckinham and called Barrett's and it sold sweets. It was a camping shop. That was it. And basically, I remember one day I went in and there was like this really mangled boost bar in there. And I was like, that's funny. Why are they trying to sell a mangled boost bar?

And basically I bought it. I bought it because I was like, and they sold it to me. And I was like, killing myself laughing and being like, that's hilarious that they allowed me to buy that. So the next day I took it back in and then and then bought it again. And then I just kept on buying the boost bar and I put it back. I'd sneak it back. Sorry, I wouldn't bring it. Will you own it yourself?

Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I was on my own and I would just put the boost bar back after I'd bought it and then buy it every day. And it was the same person serving me this man. And I was like, just I'd kill myself on the pavement outside, just crying with laughter that they were allowing me to buy this boost bar. And donating free money to your local shop to own the lives. And one day it disappeared, but it doesn't matter.

I'd already bought it about 50 times. Is it you donated money to your local offline? Yeah, I mean, it was like a private show. Yeah, it was just it was for me. It was very funny. I mean, now it's not for me, isn't it? I've kind of ruined it now. It's for everyone. I don't know. I mean, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not really sure, but I'm definitely enjoying doing it.

But yeah, I guess that now it's gotten to a point that it's my career has to be slightly more concerned, like, I don't know, whatever, more is slightly there's a bit more to it than just what makes me laugh. Maybe. I don't actually know. Well, we were talking about that before we turn on the microphones. We were kind of talking about this. It seems to be like

the colleague that when I was looking at your articles, I kind of felt like a lot of what you're doing seems to be taking these things that are sort of socially constructed as luxuries and just sort of showing that essentially their value is just a product of consensus. There's nothing inherently high quality about it. Yeah, that's a good point. Unlike Bitcoin. But anyone's listening, which will rise forever like Icarus.

Anyway, I can only read the first haves of story. There's that thing is we were talking about it before you came on about, like, there's the whole like the dumb, smart thing, right? It's the way that you expose like complete idiocy, because there's two ways you can do it. You can even like write a fucking column for no one's going to read. Oh, we'll be getting to that later on. Or you engage in like you actually engage in the stupidity and you're like,

you completely embrace it up to the point when people eventually realise that. Oh, actually, this is like I guess that like the character of me ish that I've constructed is like the old jokes need to be on me. I guess that's being from the Midlands, though, because we have absolute laughing stock actually comes to me. But like, yeah, no, I like that. That's like, I guess that that's kind of, you know, I guess that puts it really well. Like, yeah, off yourself up is just a complete absolute fall and then it enables

you to enables people to see the stupidity of what you're kind of trying to satirise and this is why Abraham's tried to sacrifice his son. He was making. He was really making a point for content. So Abraham was the original Stephen Crowder and he did it. This is this is the James O'Keefe Jupiterian strategy. This is the God tier self satire. This is Jupiter.

I know I cannot get over the Jupiterian. So I'm going to get this. Like the thing is like listeners are probably tired of as fuck about us talking about this guy that responds to every episode we put out. He's going to respond to this one with this guy is on Twitter, who's basically like eaten a thesaurus and who's post flipped between sort of incorrectly talking Estonian folk sort of extremely conservative political beliefs and then like a combination of one is more Estonian folklore and they also want to

know why in in his version of Estonian folklore, all the characters have Russian names for some reason, but also like really like pitiable self hatred where he talks about how everyone who ever meets him in person always finds a reason to leave because they find him objectionable. So I don't know if he's a robot or a beautiful mind or you. I mean, I've met robots and I've met me. So in the process of actually setting this thing up, you said you needed a just a phone and a dress.

Yeah, and that's a good verify. Yeah, and that these systems ultimately like a really easy to trick. Yeah, this is the thing right. Okay, so this is what this is the point like I really like how old fashioned Tripadvisor is. If you go on it, it's like sticking your head in a fucking relic. It looks like it's been designed on an on an Amiga. Like it's so old fashioned and it's like you got it, but like people

completely implicitly trust it and like it's not sophisticated enough to please don't assume me Tripadvisor, but they're kind of in too deep Tripadvisor. So like what I'm trying to say is like, it's trusted by everyone, but it's not sophisticated enough to be that trusted and that's kind of what I started to get into it because once you start like looking at the people who review on Tripadvisor, so I did this other piece where I spent nine months. Like was it longer than that tracking down like the most harshest Tripadvisor reviewers and then taking them out for dinner and reviewing them.

But like they were like, I realized that the people and they were all they were all in finance. It was weird. And that's not that weird. Yeah, no, they were like one of them was one of the most fascinating people. Anyway, the story, but like when you start looking into the people who actually properly use Tripadvisor, you realize how old fashioned the whole thing is. I get I get an email pretty much every week from Tripadvisor, begging me to

might write more reviews when I only ever wrote one Tripadvisor review, which was for the Britannia Hotel in Wigan, during which I sarcastically claimed it was the best hotel in the world because Henry VIII in their dining room in a hotel, which was built in the 1980s and there's a portrait of Henry VIII stands like over the milk dispenser machine and opposite a series of photographs of the other hotels in the Britannia Hotels chain. And I was like, including the fantastic Britannia Manchester airport in which I intend to stay soon.

Over 1500 people have found your review useful. There you go. I mean, there's something about that in the way. So it's not obviously it's not just Tripadvisor, but it's things like Uber and AirBnB. It's the same criticism of the platform economy that we sort of tried out quite there you go. Yeah, yeah.

Do you think do you think that there's one of the things I was interested in was what does it tell us about the way that people consume things online? This kind of like, I don't know, you know, I guess like reviews have always been there, but I don't know how whether we've ever been this dependent on reviews. Like even, you know, I'm currently doing like Christmas shopping on Amazon right now. And I'm sure that like everyone else, like you're looking to buy generic things, but you're looking for like the four or five star rating. I bought one of those kind of, you know, those fitness wristbands earlier this

year. And it was not a Fitbit, but it was like a copy of one. So it was cheap. I was like, I was looking for one that wouldn't cost me more than a point, but also the diamond in it. It's an off-brand Fitbit, which is also a work of art and also enables the Chinese government to spy on you. It really lets them know you've arrived. No, really, when you arrive in China, it beeps and then someone's there to meet

you. Xi Jinping. Hello. I bought it because it had like consistent five star rating. So I was like, okay, this must be fine. And like, I don't have to worry about it. I've received it and like within two weeks, like it works, but the problem is that, you know, there was a bunch of other stuff. It wasn't included on there.

Like the fact that you all, it's dependent on how charged your phone is. It doesn't record stuff. If it's not connected to your Bluetooth, it requires a lot of data to be put into this app in order for it to work, right? So like, I would have to sacrifice a lot of my personal data just to kind of figure out how many steps I'm doing a day. And even like the idea of like tracking your steps. I've sacrificed less to find out what my real age is on BuzzFeed.

It's true. I actually sent in a blood sample to see which of these cats I was. So Jonah's got your blood sample. You know, that's like one of the conditions when you join the company. Yeah, I mean, I get, I get what you mean. Yeah. So I don't know. Were you kind of tapping?

Were you like trying to look into that or were you trying to look into that? Or like, you know, was that just something that sort of came out as a result of the conversation after this shed thing came out? Yeah, I think that it's definitely, I'm not going to sit here and pretend like, Hey, you know what? Actually, this was a very intellectual exercise. Yeah, exactly. I was, I was mainly every, I was mainly laughing the whole time, not scratching my

chin. Not being bad. Not being bad. Was it, was actually, was there anyone who like, after they found out that this whole thing was a ruse, were they mad at you? Yeah, there was one guy on Twitter who tweeted. He was angry. He was like, I tried to get a table here for months for my wife's anniversary and

told her that we could have gone. And I was like, holy shit, that's funny. But anyway, it's like, dude, you're, you're an insane person. Like, yeah, you have no right to be mad. Yeah. Now it's ever like, oh God, I'm having this is the shed phone. Oh, shit. Hello, the shed at Dulwich.

Yeah, hello. I'm a manager in London for a few days and I will be back tomorrow with you. You still have places for the next night? If we still have places. Yeah, for two people. I mean, we are fully booked for the next six weeks. But I mean, I mean, if you want to just kind of just, just Google the shed at Dulwich, maybe.

But I don't know. Yeah, well, if I'd recommend if you're in the area, then I don't know. Try, try Ganapati. That's very nice. But yeah, we are fully booked for the next six weeks. We've got, we've got a bar mitzvah in. Sorry. Okay, I'll see you in two months.

Definitely. There'll be a table for you. Thank you. Have a great time in London. Bye. Bye. So there you go. That's how that time had its come.

That's been my life for the past seven months. There you go. Okay, we're going to take a break before we die. I'm sorry to wipe us all out, to be honest. Okay, I legitimately need to take a break. I'm going to be unable to talk about anything. We'll see you in a second. So did that happen often?

Well, yeah, put it this way. I'm at Joel's house, Joel Govaboy's house, Adrid Ryder. Here's a, I left it at his house over a long weekend towards the end of the shed about a month ago. And when I picked up at 116 missed calls on it. Like imagine having like the worst hangover you've ever had. And you're...

All from that one guy about him and his wife's anniversary. Yeah, yeah, he's still one guy. The message is like, anyone would think this restaurant doesn't even exist. Yeah, I mean, there were a lot of people, yeah, who were very angry all the time, but they were just really happy that they got through because half the time I just didn't answer them because it was too annoying. And then half the time I answered them and recorded them on my webcam. So I've got like 200 calls of me just on my phone.

But yeah, no, that was... See what I mean? You can make, it can be one worldwide news and yet people are still thinking it's... That's how much they trust TripAdvisor. I mean, TripAdvisor still has it on. It's still got like it's four and a half star rating. Four and a half? Oh, no, is it?

Yeah, it's four and a half. What? Why is it four and a half now? Four and a half star rating, buddy. Shoot, you're slipping. It's that one guy with the anniversary who's like... Oh, no, sorry, but no, that's actually... No, that's TripAdvisor, sorry.

Is that London for a hot London as a city? Don't feel like I'm personally responsible. Uber was about to have a half star rating. No, it was. The one of the things I can't... I put my blood and sweat into this restaurant. So, but you also started screening people towards the end? Come to your fake restaurant?

Yeah, exactly. The shed still has five stars. Is it still on there? Yeah. How? Like this is what I mean, right? So, their platform is so fucking clumsy that they can't even get rid of the fucking fake restaurant.

The incredibly famous fake restaurant. Yeah, the incredibly famous fake restaurant. You've owned like all the international lips. Fucking ridiculous. Oh, yeah. I mean, this is why they're probably still. It's all the international things. It's not that it's just the UK one that's removed it.

Madness. Amazing. Are you worried that anyone's going to show up at your house? That's happened. Fuck, really? Wow. Yeah, I had it. I had it basically.

I had this once where I was coming home from where I was coming and you couldn't leave in the house. I can't remember either way. Coming out of my house and there were three people in the room and they just stopped me. I'm like, excuse me. Do you remember that's the shed of dollars? Yes.

I was like, uh, okay. And I kind of was like, this is funny. So I started trying to candidly film them and pretending I was looking it up on my phone. And they're like, don't worry. We're going to ring. We'll ring the phone again. And I was like, I just started.

I kind of just started galloping away. And so I'm sorry. I've got to go get a bus to catch or something in my house. I can't remember if I was coming. No, it's going away. So yeah. And yeah, no, it has happened. And then I had it.

I was looking back through all the calls the other day and someone was saying like a woman was saying like, we've been driving up and down. I can't find your the shed. Yeah. No, they said, it's like a really mundane born film, like the phone rings. Yeah, exactly.

The sequel will be like, Isis decide to destroy London's most successful restaurant. You're going to hear them where it hurts. I'm going to hear them where it hurts, the restaurant. It's been mad. The reaction has just been like, you could die. What the fuck? Like seriously, what the fuck?

So I kind of wanted to ask, did it ever get like, because at what point did you or did you at all ever feel in over your head like this had gotten away from you? Yeah, completely. Yeah, completely. Like every step of the way, like I reckon like, I haven't taught anyone about this, but why not? Like the neighbors were like,

they accepted some like loads of samples, because people were trying to like suppliers were like, getting my approximated address from the postcode and stuff and started sending loads of stuff through to my neighbors. And they were like, who's is this? And I was like, oh, man, I got like, they're posted on the thing and like, message this borderline hat slash artwork.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, this diamonds. But yeah, no, it was like, there were moments where like, people who live really, really, really locally to me were being like, we live like within this is our postcode. Like what, where are you? Like that kind of thing. And I live in the shed at the bottom of one of the gardens.

I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. And like there were loads of things like I used the photo I used to the shed was just from Google images. And the person who owned that shed was like, why have you got the, I didn't include this in the piece. It doesn't make me look very nice, does it? He actually rungs a rival shed based. You can also just use David Cameron's £20,000 garden shed.

Yeah, he's just sitting there writing one-handed. The duck house at Dunlop. Yeah, no, it definitely got away. And yeah, no, just the amount of, yeah, I don't know, like, I guess that there was like, when people started guilt-tripping you, there was a little bit of weird people being like this. So it's going to be the first time we've left our house

since having our first child. Please can we come? And it's like, like properly, properly guilt-tripping you. But I guess, yeah, no, people... Cause that's who would use TripAdvisor to find a restaurant. The first time we've left the house, they're like fucking like planners for the end of days, like sitting in their like hermetically sealed bunker

with their newborn child. You got to call for a make-up wish found in me. Yeah, fucking hell, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I still got the guy, one of the guys from a production company who make in-flight videos from Australia, they rang me this morning.

They were still like, dude, are we still okay to come over and film the restaurant? I was literally just like, Google the show that they're like, Google it right now. And I was just like, and I just hung up. But yeah, no, yeah.

Sorry about that, Tyler Brule. Oh God, Tyler Brule deserves to eat an egg that's been resting on your foot. Yeah, bring it out. So the egg resting on mine. Yeah, you guys send a bunch of shit. Like what can you talk about? What kind of shit you guys sent?

Just like fucking shit, just like types of pasta and types of tea and wine. But loads of it didn't reach me because loads of it, they couldn't figure out what door it was. You're too exclusive for them to send me shit. Yeah, exactly. Well, I didn't want to put a fucking number on it

because then I would have just literally had, because my housemates didn't know until I'd done it all. Like the people who live in the main house, I live in the shed at the back. I didn't like tell it. So that's beautiful. All of it's just great.

It's just me just at the bottom of the garden, just like just fucking. Just working through truffle after truffle. So some neighbor of yours has got like nine iPads. Oh man. Let's see. Yeah, you got some reviews. Notable food dipshit Jay Rainer.

Actually, I will have it known. Anyway, just tell the story and then I'll tell you this bit. Oh, to me, this is just a story in two tweets. So if you want to set it up, I can just give the tweets. Yeah, no, I guess. Sorry, I just imagined like a really angry girlfriend coming in and be like, what are you doing with all this ostrich meat?

Jay Rainer's coming around. It's the only thing you'll eat. It's not a sex thing. It's Diamond's robot. It's like a robot. It's like a robot. It's kind of Shane of ostrich meat. Okay.

Yeah. So Jay, so they set up the Jay Rainer. Yeah, yeah, I guess that so Jay Rainer is the Guardian. I mean, if anyone doesn't know him, then yeah, it's a Guardian food critic. Lucky you. I wanted to, he lives nearby. So I always, I was so confident that this,

I would get him to the shed. But on the opening night, where I actually opened it to members of the public, like I had three or four people from a fashion agency that I'm not allowed to mention. And then the higher one from an A-lister in the 90s who went on to open a fashion agency. Okay, from that, maybe one.

And then two people who are Americans on vacation from California, first night in London, and two other people who were locals. But the two other people were locals, I booked in like sort of last minute because I wanted Jay Rainer. So I invited Jay Rainer. And he, he tweeted angrily about the shed at Dalit.

She tweeted, yeah, he tweeted pretty angrily about, he didn't like some of the language. I think he was kind of basically saying like this is hipster shit. And because I serve the whole menu is like, it was all written like it would infuriate your dad, you know, like it's like a mood menu. So like people order like lust.

And it's like rabbit, rabbit kidneys on toast with lobster. Oyster or whatever, something like that. Or like, or comfort was like served in a 600 TC Egyptian cut and bowl. Such shit. Risotto served with a 26 to 30 student rail card. Oh, that's fine. And yeah, no, he didn't like the vibe of it. And he tweeted some angry things about it.

We had like a, yeah, I had like another like almost moment because in his tweets below, if you look, someone points out that it's a vice photographer in one of the photos, my mate, Chris Bethel. That was, I was shitting my pants when someone tweeted that. Like I thought the whole thing was gone, but no, it's fine. It's like a vice photographer would be in a place like that. But I think that that's what it could have either been that

or that someone had, someone had joined the dots and it was so close to being like, and that was the death. I was a 16. Do you ever feel like half your job at vice is pranking the other half of people who work at vice? Hey, man, I'm a freelancer. I just sit in my shed, just eating boiled eggs and watching Chris Theron.

An ostrich meat that you get. So yeah, I feel like I'm punking someone. So I have the two tweets that Jay Rainer sent in front of me because this, I don't know if we want to call he a shot chaser or just life comes at you fast, but life came at Jay Rainer pretty fast. Yeah, the Daily Mail had him like printed with a massive photo of him saying, fool.

Paul Decker, welcome to the resistance. Jay Rainer tweets on the 16th of November. At last, a restaurant that recognizes food is all about mood of all the shed based eating experiences out there. This one sounds like the best or at least second best. I have my own shed. Hence personally, I'm eager to try out the mood contemplation. Sorry, Jay.

Yeah, nasty nonsense. That isn't it. You know what this is? That's like that's like this is like just this is just this is my favorite things where Jay Rainer has responded seriously to a joke and then all he can say is I was being sarcastic. Yeah.

Haven't you ever heard of sarcasm? I mean, he this is the thing that we had like we had. Oh, you want to do the other tweet? Yeah, because then the other tweet from the day the article was published. Yeah, yeah. Going to get stick for this, but it's rather galling to see newspaper reports.

The Daily Mail is love to them that I was fooled by the excellent shed gag. So he's not mad and actually laughing when my tweet below in response to their straight faced email to me back in November makes it bloody clear that I knew what was going on. He's like for another thing, I bet the Daily Mail doesn't know the first thing about Estonian folklore. Yeah, I will.

So I will say for Jay, he did email me the day of the day it went out and he put genuinely proud of you. It's just really sweet. So yeah, sun. And then unbuttoned his trousers. That's how you find out that Jay Rainer is your dad. And the final mood you could serve is just the Jay Rainer and it's just a corn cob.

The one thing that's always bothered me about Jay Rainer is do you not think he really looks like the beast from Beauty and the Beast? Fuck, yes. Beast Rainer? It's going to have to Google this. The podcast is not official. He's even got the same mole.

This is phenomenal. Do you think maybe when Jay Rainer falls back falls in love, he'll turn into a normal human? Yeah, or he gets kissed and he turns into a toad or... The tweet is reminiscent of like Trump's tweet today when he was like, I knew more wasn't going to win. Like, oh yeah, no, no, no, no, I called it. I called it.

Like, oh yeah, no, I called it. It was a joke. It was a joke. I was actually running sarcastically. I was wondering why Moore was making that jackoff motion the entire time he was speaking. Sure, molesting kids is fine. Well, you say that a lot.

We think the way that voice. Oh man. So yeah, the shed, I'm still trying to get a reservation. I've got a table actually coming up. July 1995, if you're interested, it's via a Stargate. That's like a whole new concept. Like a restaurant that only takes reservations in the past.

Is this on air? Can we copyright that? Can I have that? Yeah, cool. TM, TM, TM, TM, TM, TM, TM, TM. Copyright Uber. That was me. That was me from Russia.

So the thing is, you've also, you've got some other fun related content out, which is today you produced a video also for Vice on an affordable sex robot for the people, for the many. Yeah, yeah, it was for the many, not the few. Trash future demographic. Yeah, for you. Horny, but poor.

But that's not one sex spot for the many, because that would be a bit gross. It's just a prototype. So I mean, technically, but you know, you know what I mean? Well, I mean, if you let labor design, if you let labor design the one spend sex robot for the many, they'll have it like with a diamond and stingray leather and stuff. Yeah.

And it blurs the line between art and sex robot. But you see that the conservatives design, it'll control riots. The thing is, you wouldn't really want a sex robot produced by communism, because it would be fundamentally functional, but it would look like a child's drawing of a sex robot and it would emit a lot of diesel fumes. Could we like, you know when Homer Simpson designed the car? I was going to say, you know when Homer Simpson designed the

robot? Oh, yeah. Yeah. When Homer Simpson designed the car is like when the Soviet Union designed cars. Like that is basically the same thing. I don't. I as someone who's driven a lot of jiggly Jesus, H Christ.

My grandfather sold them for a living. So shut the fuck up. Wow. Put my dad through college and here I am. I'm sorry for your grandfather's customers. You make him proud. So this. So what you've actually done here is you've you decided to make

a sex robot that would be for the many that you could make yourself sort of like an anarchist cookbook. But like the fucking anarchist swank bang. There you go. There's your first book. Yeah. Professional comedians. Wait, what was the exciting?

What was that guy's name? Oh, yeah. Wankadry should occur. Before we go on, you guys did see this, right? That there was some like fucking like. I don't know. It's a labor writer, Tory. Same thing guy online who after he like harassed Owen Jones,

said a bunch of people came and started calling. And this is what he tweeted out. People are calling me wank drew shittaker and a posh cunt. And is that okay? Owen Jones. And I love that he tried to own the left by tweeting out a bunch of mean names people could call him. So I've been, I've just been, I've really been getting a lot of

mileage out of wank drew shittaker today. And now what part of our 2018 Jupiterian social media strategy is that wank drew shittaker is going to be doing a show for us called actually as a male feminist. He's actually, he's adopting the like martial mothers rap battle strategy. And it's like, now what are you going to say about me, bitch? Fuck, that's good.

So okay, I'm sorry, but you're getting distracted. No, no, I think it's a distracting subject. So what led you to want to design a sex robot for the many out of primarily a watermelon in a Zimmer frame? He's a feminist. A male when it's all right to biodegradable sex spot. It's green. No, you just try, you know, it's like the battery is the is the

melon and what melon you just you put that you carve a hole in there. Um, yeah, that's the head, but let's not focus on the head. It's got arms. Yeah. It's got, I mean, it's you can do it for like 30 pounds. Yeah. It's got, it's got a voice box. What you dig?

Who recorded what's in the voice box? It's Bluetooth speaker. It's connected to your phone and you got, I got a shittaker app. Wow. So you could actually measure how many steps you do before you go fuck it. That's what I was going for. This, this sounds a lot like the talking pushkin robot that we previously reviewed on this podcast when I was at this Sochi Robotics

conference and the Russian talking life science pushkin robot, which was just like a mannequin head of pushkin with a laptop behind it that played pushkin poems using Microsoft Sam. I forgot about that. I have to say as a woman, a watermelon of voice box is giving me unrealistic expectations for my body. I'm sorry. I mean, if it helps this thing, I mean, this thing has a penis.

I mean, to be, to be fair, it meets my minimum aesthetic requirements for a sex robot, which is that it should look more realistically like a person than Kellyanne Conway. If the sex robot has a penis, that's also going to give unrealistic expectations about her body. What am I going to tell my daughter when she comes to me? Because now Olga will test if it's a really functioning penis by seeing if it can suck up water like an elephant's trunk or not. One for long time fans of the pod.

Oh, that is a callback. Man, was the other one for the day ones? Two years ago, my coworker convinced me that the male penis works like an elephant truck can suck up water. Anyway, that's great. Anyway, that was another of Uber's facts. Shout out to the OG trash boys. So one question I've been trying to ask before we keep getting just debilitated by

something stupid. Yeah. What drove you to actually do this? Other than just it was funny. Yeah. I'm trying to avoid that one. I keep on saying that one because I'm a naughty boy. According to Susanna Reid.

Anyway, there you go. That was one for the OG. Susanna. The OG. The OG. Good morning, Britain. Good morning, Britain viewers. Susanna Reid, who does follow me online and therefore is a friend of the show.

Okay. Does she follow you online? Wait, doesn't that make? We talked a few times. Doesn't that make class records? She follows me in real life. Wow. What's his name?

Ross Kempzen. Ross Kempzen. He's a friend of the show, I guess. Ross Kempzen. Guido Forks reports a friend of the show. Ross come down. For me, I thought you were talking about Ross Kemp. Luxurious cheese and salad on the pot.

I mean, that's probably the only way to keep that Guido Forks from publishing just a very angry article about us. No. Ross can only come on if he answers the question that we posed a few weeks ago, which is, is the Guido Forks logo anime? Ross, please inquire, inquiring listeners. The Jupiter in social media strategy want to know. Yeah. Guido Forks publishes an absolutely blistering graphic novel.

Trashing the Trashing podcast. So have you put the sex robot on what's left of the incels page on Reddit? I guess like what I'm thinking is like, is there going to be a future where like, you know, Olga's daughter goes up to her and says, Mother, my, my, my boyfriend left me for a sex robot. I'm guessing it won't be called a sex robot. By that point, it'll be called like, It'll be called your prime master or something.

But as you say that, at that point, it would probably. And then I'll be like, I've been a sex robot all along. No wonder why you asked me to bring fruit for the recording. And at that point, when she told me she was a robot, I knew she was a robot. On that bombshell, I think it's time to end. I'm going to say, Cuba, thank you for coming out. Thank you so much for having me. It was great.

Yes, for a really good time. And Olga, thank you for sitting in. Milo and Hussein, are you chuds? Nothing. I come, I come like halfway across the city to do this. I come via online to bring to bring gags. That's me. All right.

Later, everyone. Later. See you. All right. Goodbye, everyone.