TRASHFUTURE - TRASHCINEMA - The Emoji Movie (ft. Lulu Popplewell and Alex Kealy)

Episode Date: August 23, 2017

EDINBURGH EPISODE NUMBER TWO No Charlie (@cfppalmer) this week, so Riley (@raaleh) and Milo (@milo_edwards) kidnapped our friends Alex Kealy (@alexkealy) and Lulu Popplewell (@lulu_popplewell) and rolled into the Edinburgh cinema at 11 AM one fine August morning and literally BROKE OUR CEREBELLUMS watching this gossamer web of dreams unfold into the body horror phantasmagoria that is... THE EMOJI MOVIE. The Emoji Movie is basically the tape from the ring, but the ghost girl comes out of the screen immediately and instead of killing you, she just lobotomises you. I've bought three timeshares since making this recording. Fuck you all for making me do this in theory. You can check out Alex's show, the Art of the Keal, in Edinburgh at Just the Tonic at the caves, every day at 4:20 (nice). Lulu's show, Chumbags, every day at 5:45 in Southsider. You could probably sell them both reverse mortgages now.

This is Riley's mic and my mental state is degenerating. Lulu's mic, ditto, similar. Milo's mic, my mental state was never in a condition of not being degenerated. Alex's mic, I was having a nice time this afternoon. Hi, welcome to Trash Future, the movie, the movie? Trash Future, the movie. You've already fucked the podcast up Riley and we're like three seconds in. This film has made you stupid.

It's the movie where we watch a bad podcast and we talk about it. I love watching those podcasts that we hear so much about. Shouts out the flop house. You tried to mock your cat phrase and then you didn't get it. Shouts out to Steven Seagal who's actually in this movie. We couldn't get anyone else. Steven Seagal plays all the characters. It's like a Christmas with the clumps nutty professor situation.

Steven Seagal doesn't need a fat suit. We watched the emoji movie today for some reason. I don't know why that was, but who's here? Oh hey, it's me, Lulu Popplewell. Could it be our first female guest finally? I'm your first lady. You're the first lady of Trash Future. There's so much to live up to.

You're the first lady who's turned up. What did you do? Well, I don't know. It's not our fault, basically. That's our policy. We're very hard to approach. Mistakes were made. You're the first real life woman on the podcast.

As we know, this is internet rules. If it doesn't go well, women aren't funny. That's how it works. Weirdly, quite soon, something I'm going to bring up will come back to this. Who is saying this? In fact, this will be your first time on the podcast as a broadcast. Your second time as it's released.

I'm Alex Keely, a comedian. I'm doing a show at the Festival of 420 at Just On The Cave. We're all doing a show, mate. I'm to blame for you guys not plugging your shows. It's not my fault that I've been a sensible one. It's because of my tiny woman brain. That's it. The show plugging is over now. That's it. No more.

No one can see Lulu's show or know her surname. My man brain is deteriorating. I'm doing a show of 545 at Southside. It's called Jump Bags, but it is with two boys. In case you're worried that it's just a woman. Even if women aren't funny, you can spend two thirds of the time enjoying it. Adam, I know you're joking with that. It does seem to be how it's gone so far.

It's really close to the bone. The weird thing about a podcast is there's no audience, so you never really know how your ironic misogyny is being received. Always, always good. You've taken a lead from the right. Is it the emoji film to really telegraph the irony? You have to make sure you have a statement which says, my misogyny is ironic in the same way that every possible emotional line in this film is telegraphed.

I'm just aware that there have been media hatchet jobs on me two times in my career. Both times the attempted takedown move has been Milo Edwards as a misogynist. I build into my brand now. I'll be the arbiter, it's fine. If it's genuine misogyny, I'll get one boob out. That would be the worst way to indicate to a misogynist that they should stop. It's making her aroused. This must be what they like.

This negging I've heard so much about. Women love being dominated. I've just had a stapling. As per usual trash future format, the podcast about how the future is trash and your shopping guide to the dystopian hellscape of late state. By the way, I'm Milo Edwards. You might remember me from the previous episode of this. And several hatchet jobs calling me a misogynist for no reason.

I'm Riley. You may remember me from slowly degenerating into the patient zero of this new wave of Croitzfeld-Yakob disease that is eating my brain from inside because I've seen the emoji movie. What is Croitzfeld-Yakob disease? Mate, do you not know? Shit. I mean, I know.

Must be my tiny man. I'll let Riley explain, but obviously I know. Well, basically, it's okay. This will be mansplaining, though, technically. Because Lulu already knows and you're explaining it to her anyway. Well, Lulu, since actually, just to clarify for you. I'm making the gestures. I'm making the patronizing gestures.

It's mad cow. I think I've gotten mad cow. What did you call me? Lulu. Pull out our fat cow and hang up. That's for the watchers of the trailer that gets uploaded to Pornhub. Previous trailers have been mostly male. In other news, what did we watch today, guys,

that has driven us all to the brink of gibbering madness? Okay, I think we should start. It's fully gibbering, but you have on the line quite the state of mental health for your party in. You're just confusing Slavik. Come on. Could someone give us the guest of the film? I think it's important to highlight that we watched this at 11 a.m. as well.

The witching hour. The witching hour. The watching hour. I want someone to explain to me the premise of the world, because I got, there were rules, sure there were rules, but they got broken as swiftly as they were made, and I quite like someone to lay out for me what the structure was. Freight Oxbridge analysis.

Thank you. Two one. Two one. Two one. It's all good. It's all good. So as far as I can, okay, as far as I can tell, I took notes, but they degenerated into a sort of biography of my mental state

as we were sort of going through this blessedly short film. Shall we literally compare notes? Well, I think let's, why don't we go through the plot, and then we'll have letters from listeners. I mean, no, sorry, not that, not that. This is not the flop house. You can't send letters to this podcast. It's the future.

Just trash. Only emojis. Only emojis. Send us a Snapchat. Snapchat's from the listeners. Oh, can I say before we even, like before the film even began, what I enjoyed right before it started, when the... The compliment.

The compliment. I don't think you make a compliment sandwich. It's going to be a compliment, Tabata. It's not a compliment for Chattery. Well, before the film was when it was rated U, and then it said mile language, et cetera, and then it said comic threat, and I thought it is a threat to comedy for sure.

I did some looking up, actually. I researched the different levels of cinema grading in the UK, because I do my homework. U. Here's the description of films that are rated U. It is impossible to predict what might upset any particular child. But a U film should be suitable for audiences aged four years and over.

You guys want to check? We are all over four. Yeah. Well, I may have regressed now. Ventilation is over four. Yeah. U films should be set within a positive moral framework and should offer reassuring counterbalances

to any violence, threat, or horror. I mean, there wasn't genuinely horrifying moments. Maybe we should come onto them later, but... Why can't a U film be set within, like, an A moral framework? Why can't a U film be, like, just, like, nihilistic, and, like, if there's no swearing in it, you know... I accept that children mustn't be exposed to swearing, but why can't they be exposed to the nihilistic horror of the world

in which we live? Right. So that's what I always find very funny about stand-up shows that give you a clean... Stand-up shows that give you a clean content policy where you're not allowed to swear, but it's, like, I think that's more my material about, like, depression or death as much more harrowing,

even if it doesn't have, like, fuck or bum in it. Like, it's like... As a parent, I'd rather much fuck or bum material rather than, like, well, we're going to die one day. The kid's, like, what? Like, that's much, that's much worse. Like, it's a two-hour piece about, like, my mother's rape, but there's no... Right, right.

You don't say the words, but... My mother the rapist. Fuck, my bum life is pointless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the end of the film, just get a spoiler alert. Spoiler alert for the Emoji movie throughout. Yeah, if you're worried about... If you're worried about having the Emoji movie spoiled for you,

stop listening to this podcast now and kill yourself. Because you have nothing to live for. And so just by the end of the film, if we're not talking about a positive moral framework, everybody dies briefly. And then copies of them are brought back to life. In a way, I actually think raises some fundamental questions about, like, the nature of sentience.

Yeah, some deep philosophical issues there, aren't there? Is it Buddhism or... Is that Buddhism that's... there's a reincarnation? Yeah, but you're not reincarnated as yourself. Yeah, right. But I think maybe they're different. Maybe they're all... maybe all of them. You fuck up so bad that you come back as you again.

Oh, no! Third Emoji got reincarnated as, like, crying Emoji. Maybe they all just swapped bodies when it happened. That's not something that's not explored. They're so happy because they all got to be the better versions of themselves. So they... yeah, they got to... They truly got to serve their gods and masters. Smiley Emoji starts making those poo jokes.

I really feel like for those who haven't seen it, I mean, why wouldn't you have? But I feel we should lay out the framework of the world. They come as to the Emoji movie. Brief aside, though, in Buddhism, if you are reborn as yourself, that's their version of hell. Is that what happened to us by going to watch the film? I'm still relatively certain that I actually just clicked the floor

and I'm still hallucinating. I was reborn inside Stephen Seagal. Finally. Okay, so... I've been reborn inside Stephen Seagal for 45 years. So I'm going to try to not use Wikipedia as much as I can to try to recap the plot of this film. What plot? Like, what?

Okay, well, I think it's a basic Bildungsroman. You know, we're... You've wanted to say that, or you've been gearing up for that for at least two hours. All of my notes are just me writing the word Bildungsroman over and over and over and over again. It's like... All Bildungsroman and no play makes...

You know, when the police interview victims of crime, like after a crime, but the people were so sketched out during the crime that they don't really remember... Or they think they remember it clearly, but that is wrong. Are you familiar with this? It's like psychological resurgence. So Ian McEwen, like unreliable narrator, had us, right?

So we now are not trustworthy. Something like that. Yeah, so basically, most victims of crime, like people who've been mugged or whatever, are then interviewed by the police right for a statement, and they're convinced that they remember it all clearly, but because of the traumatic nature of the event, they usually remember everything wrong,

like what the person was wearing, what they looked like. They sometimes get like the race of people wrong, like seriously, they remember shit wrong. And basically, I feel like this about this film... Like, yeah. Like this was a very traumatic film, but nothing about it. It was like...

That were emojis. Yeah, like that is about it. Okay, so the opening beat of the film is that... It's set in a phone, number one. It's set in a phone. All these millennials are always looking at... Oh, with their phones. The millennials are always looking at their phones.

And within the phone, it's set in Textopolis, which I guess is a Greek city. I'm trying to think of text as a Greek word now. I think it's Latin. It's Latin. Yeah. Some Latin... Yeah, I know.

Combining Greek and Latin. 50 historical inaccuracies in the emoji movie. Someone's getting fired. It should be the herbs of text. The herbs, textana. Yeah. We didn't make any Latin jokes last episode we recorded. I'm glad we're back on form.

As a Marxist, Raleigh is glad we're back on to Latin, a topic in which he feels at home. I'm sorry. Fuck you. Raleigh's giving me the finger for taking the piss out of his poorly thought through political views. Good. So it's called the emoji movie.

Yes. And yeah, it seems very quickly to branch out into a whole other kind of galaxy into our phone object. So it's not really just the emoji. It suddenly just becomes... The plot of the film is basically, what if phone? What if a phone?

What if a phone, but also being yourself? Yeah, yeah. What if a phone? What if a phone making be yourself? What if the real phone was the friends we made along the way? Okay, no, wait. So I have questions. We all have questions.

Sure. Okay, so the bit at the beginning, the premise is he's an emoji. Everyone's got their emoji that they're born with. And he's the male, like moody one. And then one day it's... Don't you say he was the mayor? Like he's the mayor of emoji town.

Well, he describes himself as meh, but his name is Jean. Yeah, but his parents are called like Mary and Mel. And it's sort of like the shite pun that opens up the film. If we want to talk about shite puns. Oh my God.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Sorry. There's something really fundamental that you need to explain. Yeah, so we're raising women again already. Okay, so the whole thing is when it's your day comes, you step up to the plate and you become the emoji

that's like scanned when the master of the phone wants to send a text. Your description of the film sounds even weirder than the film itself. I mean, that's exactly what we all saw. Yeah, but somehow when you're explaining it, it sounds weirder than when you're just watching it. Oh, I'm sorry that my women were...

I'm sure if a man were explaining this, it would be much more normal. No, this is my question. Why, like, there's a huge city of emoji. Why is it like he's the only one that's meh? Like before that day, is there no meh that the guy can use to text? It's parents, yeah.

So both of the... But then does it... Exactly why do emojis die and therefore their children need to take over, it seems. That's a bit that I want to explore. Do they get too old to emoji? Also, do they fuck?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. They're the only one where there are two of them. The weirdest thing. The other ones have like a fellow... Why is meh the only ones that are coupling? Well, the Donut had a whole family of Donut babies. Yes. Or maybe they're different colours.

They're... They're autochthonous. Yes, I guess it's woman meh and man meh. It's a comment on marriage. No, no. So the weirdest thing, right, is that the meh couple only have one child, meh boy Jean, right?

It's like the whole Adam and Eve problem all over again. There's just going to have to be a lot of incest for this emoji. Otherwise they're going to have to, like, start mixing the blood of emoji and you'll get, like, something that's like a flamenco dancer in half poo. Imagine that.

To clarify, it's literally... Sorry, Milo's just spoiled one of the big, like, love-actually style tied up loose romantic ends where, like, turd, like, turd personification and flamenco woman get it on. Yeah. I mean, you don't see them. It's heavily implied.

It's heavily implied. Nice. I may not always love you. If you go to the departures lounge of Heathrow. Are you taking the best out of love, actually? Yes. Shall we? Shall we?

No. I actually like that film. We're going to save that for Crash Christmas. Okay. But I do want to hybridise it with the emoji movie. I want to do an episode now where we do love-actually because I will defend it as a film. I feel like I should confess something at this point.

Okay. I mean, it sounds like a clang, but... Were you in love, actually? I was in love, actually. Are we in the presence of Keira Knightley? Yeah. I have some cards to show you. It's a podcast.

Oh, Matt Knightley. It's on a podcast. Yeah. I was in the lobster in that film. Oh. Yeah. Quang. Wow.

It is a lot of names, David. That's not how lobsters... That's not the sound of a lobster mate. It's weird that they give me a pop. So we're here with... These damn clanging lobsters. This is perfect. We're here with Cinema Insider, Lulu Poppawel.

Cinema and crustacean insider, Lulu Poppawel. Literally, inside a crustacean. Oh, God. No, inside a representation of a crustacean. Ah, yes. You know what? No one's inside me just to be very clear for the list. No, this isn't a matryoshka pen.

Matryoshka? Is that the stacking... Matryoshka. Oh, why am I bad at words? Sorry, there's two different Russian speakers. One, a much better Russian speaker than the other. That's mine, though. But I have A-level and conversational Russian guys.

As opposed to an A-level in Russian, an A-level in conversational Russian. It's atrophied pretty hard. Yeah, much smoother. Do you have an A-level in Russian small talk? What a beautiful samovar. You don't even say in Russian. You just say, with a Russian accent,

no, I won Russian reference. Wait, очень красивое... How is it? Красивый. Красивый samovar. Очень у вас красивый самовар. Yeah. We're steaming to the floor.

Matryoshka is a lot more... That's a Russian section. It's great. We still have that Russian section in the podcast. Me and Keeley just talk in Russian for the rest of the show. That's going to be a short show. Hello, this is Thresh Voucher,

a podcast where the future is Thresh. And now we're going to talk about emoji film. Yeah, so I only understood about a third of those words. So I wasn't probably listening to the problem. We're talking about a complete shit. Yeah, fine. Moving on. It's always good to experiment.

Yeah. So I'm going to rest us back into the plot of this movie. Then I have to go and post weird diversion into Zurich. I'm dunking our heads back into the ice water tub of the emoji movie. So Jean has to go to work, I guess,

as an emoji. But as far as I can tell, their whole job consists of standing in a box and just staring into the middle distance, doing nothing. It's basically like being a prostitute in Amsterdam. Oh my God, you're right. Or just like any sort of like security guard thing

where like if your job is preparedness for doing the thing that is only about 1% of your. Yeah. I mean, have you ever actually seen a security guard? I mean, like they're not prepared. Like they're standing in a box. It's like an old dude in a shirt. Like they're just standing there.

They're not going to, like if someone seriously robs that place, they're going to be like, please don't kill me. Like those guys are not going to do shit. Okay. So the emo, emo institutes in the red light app are standing around. The thing about Jean is Jean has a little problem.

Jean is able to express a wide range of emotions, which on the basis of the fact that I've been hanging out with a lot of comedians recently, does genuinely seem like a superpower. But his problem is actually hepatitis. It's glossed over in the film. And so what happens is he, he goes into work for the first day of standing there.

And then the owner of the phone, the real hero, someone who's paid money for a device. We can all relate to that. And who is one of the, one of these dang teens that just can't stop texting and won't get off his phone. Oh fuck.

The ham-handed satire at the beginning about all teens being on their phone the whole time. And then like the two kids who are texting like walk into each other and they fall on the floor, but they continue texting. And it's like this film is literally encouraging this behaviour by making a whole film fucking keyboard. It's not even in all phones. It's accessible on one particular brand of phone.

They didn't mention the brand in the film. I noticed. They didn't. But you fucking know that they're paying royalties to Apple for using the emojis. Oh, and Dropbox and Spotify, every other app that's mentioned. But Facebook didn't pay.

Yeah, I was gonna say they don't say that it's Facebook. They just show the... But they use the Facebook reacts and stuff which must all be like TM'd. These companies must all just own little bits of one another and this is just what they happen to have the shit they happen to be able to sweep into this pilot track. But it was clear.

But this seemed the beginning where all the zombie kids are texting and talking about texting and how much they love to text. And no one uses words anymore because those aren't cool. We all use emojis now. They literally say the word. Oh, sorry. They do literally say we don't use words anymore.

Words are name. It's where one of them asked the guy, the kid whose phone it is says, what should I text Addy? Because that's her name. Because it's her name is Sean Fadderall. He's in love with someone in his class. And his friend goes,

don't text her words. Words aren't cool. And then that is literally like their analysis. That is how they explain that no one uses words for the rest of the film. Only fucking emojis. Like how... It really does support my theory

that this film was written by a committee of aggrieved grandfathers who really just want their grandkids to put down the goddamn phones around the table and listen to my theories about Syria and where the migrants are coming from. And actually we're taking... The committee of aggrieved grandfathers presents.

I really want that to be a thing. It's like the NRA and the committee of aggrieved grandfathers, CAG. So that's the same point when there's a joke. Now, Riley's an American. You can clarify. I have an objection, structurally, to a joke that occurs. I have an objection to you calling me an American.

You are an American. You are from the continent of America. Are you not? Sorry. And also, that's quite rude of me to apologize for the... It would also be fine if you were American. You just seem ignorant enough that you being American

is plausible. Your accent isn't... Anyway, this is... No, he has an American accent. Did we not cover this when you were previously on the pod? He doesn't have a Canadian accent. I've lived in Britain so long. I have an American accent now.

Right, right. That's how it works. So it's like an acid alkali thing or something. So basically, there's a joke where... I think it's in the same scene that Milo's talking about, where the kid's like... Oh, gee. She sent you a thing.

Don't send her... It could be a spam. It could be a hat. Don't send your social security. These are 14-year-olds. They don't have social security. It's a thing that you get at 16 or 18 when you can start working.

I'm pretty sure. You don't get... You're not born with it. I don't think they have one. How would you get loans in the name of a child? What do you do with the social security number, even if they did have them? Are they literal child?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'll defraud you. Yeah, amazing. So it's the first of many jokes that don't work, which is always good. We also haven't quickly talked about... So the actor who plays Jean is an American comedian, TJ Milo,

who has recently got into a sport of ball by claiming that women are not as funny as men, although those comments were found behind. This is why I said that it was amazing. And Lulu Popwell is going to prove this wrong today. All right. By the end of the podcast, we will have decided with a sample size of one.

The thing is, he was right in a sense. If you look at the emoji film, it was written by a women... No, it was three men. It was three men. It was all the writing roles were men. Three people went into writing that. It was actually written by three men

who've never met a woman. It was like they were kept in a sort of kind of hermetically sealed chamber. And all they had access to were iPhones. So there was actually... I know we're being silly about it. There was actually such a heavy-handed look, weird, pro-feminism moment

when they were like, wait, the hacker is a girl. It's a she. And I think that was the moment in which we were all meant to stand and applaud. I didn't know. Oh, no. It was so good when she was like,

the firewall recognizes your face. So if you get it wrong once, you can't get through it. And he's like, but I can do loads of different faces. So I could just do different faces and we can get through. She's like, yeah, thanks.

It was my idea. I would have liked to have said it. She's like, you know, men are always saying stuff that women have actually come up with and taken credit for it all the time. And it's like, oh, God, this film is so woke. Heavy-handed ideas just inserted

into what is an incredibly bland fucking status quo film. At that point, the actor playing the emoji, just turns to the screen and points to the audience, you men in the audience. You men.

Not the men writing this. No other men. Other worse men. Not all men, though. Hashtag not all men. They didn't let her get too out of hand because there was a bit. I don't know if you noticed.

She was having like a 10 second stop. She was like, oh, there's no stereotypes about women. And he went, I'm so sorry. Yeah. One of them, one of them sort of slapped her. That was the original edit.

She's like, yeah, sorry. Shall we get there organically through a plot discussion, perhaps? Oh, sorry. Sorry. No, no, no. Sorry. Are you kidding me?

We went off track as soon as we bought tickets to the emoji movie. And it's also the fact that that character, the hacker, has blue hair. So, you know, she's an SJW, because that's how it works. It's like,

all feminists have blue hair. We'll get to the hacker, because the hacker comes as a key stage in the Bill Dunks Roman. Yeah. As the, as the mysterious helper. Right.

What language are you talking in right now? I'm talking in books I remember from university language. Bill Dunks Roman. I don't understand. Can you send me the Bill Dunks Roman emoji, please? Hang on. I might be able to try and figure that out. No.

Later. I'm just stapling enigmatically. Sorry. Yeah. The little clicking noise you may hear intimately are me slowly stapling, but it's to my flyer. So that's very,

I've treated you the listener with a great deal of respect. Yeah. This is the Edinburgh experience. To the listener, it just seems like you're artistically comforting yourself by stapling. Like there's like, I'm like, the movie is fine.

The movie is fine. Get a review, Mac. I've had a review, guys. What does a, what does a review say? Look, the thing is, the important thing is I've not put the stars on there, not because it's a positive three star that I have assembled

the quote in such a way to make it look very positive. But actually, because I'm, he's a five star on it, I thought it'd be a bit rude to boast. Is it, is it with words? Words, words are not very dot, dot,

comedy show dot, dot, ended dot, dot. Yeah. Verily. Alex Keely is dot, dot,

dot a comedian. Present in this room. Yeah. Okay. So Jean goes, who with his ability to display many emotions is, or emotions. With his ability to emoji is,

it goes into the box. Totally. Everyone's like, oh, you won't be able to do a good job as you, you can express multiple emotions. We only do one thing here. Everyone is one thing.

And that's this, that's, this is not a straw man plot at all. It's great how everyone does one thing. And then, you know, he is selected because he wants to send a meh emoji to this girl. He likes,

which is what you do. Yeah. Because if you, if you, if you show any genuine reaction to women that scares them. Well, they burst into flames. Yeah.

I had that. Well, this actually again serves, I think this serves, well, there serves my theory that two of the writers of this movie were aggrieved grandfathers. And one of them,

and we'll go into this more later on, is like, like a red pilled, it's made, this movie was written by Paul Joseph Watson and two aggrieved grandfathers. Because like, treat women poorly because feminism has ruined women and

also men and, and hurting everyone. Colour me. Shocked. Colour me. Shocked. Imagine my surprise. I mean,

but seeing this movie is something Paul Joseph Watson would genuinely do to trigger the libs. Don't, don't say anything. Don't say anything to her. You'll excite her. And then she might suffocate you to her constricting whale bone undergarments.

Wear all the men hackers, women hackers, left, right and centre. Imagine my shock when the emoji movie, Oh, it's all right. Dick Van Dyke again. I also thought you tried to say emoji.

Oh, the chimney sweeps were women and Mary Poppins was played by Steven Seagal. I will never be able to do Paul Joseph Watson's voice without transgender Steven Seagal. Speaking of which, so James Corden's accent in this film sound like James Corden plays a high five who used to be a widely used emoji and like an exclusive favourites club and now is keep trying to

get back in. I think he's a cokehead. James Corden getting a look into his own future. But it's like he, it's like he's been asked to do like a not an English accent. Like they've said, all like what an American thinks an English accent is. So they've gone like,

a bit more British mate, a bit more British. And it's fairly like turned Australia. Americans won't recognise just a British accent. What it means to do, like, yeah. That's just a gay. He ended up doing a weird impression of Ricky Gervais for

the whole film. I was like, I don't remember Ricky Gervais on the cast list for this film. But this is actually us introducing the B plot, which is the high five emoji trying to get back into the A list. The high five emoji who is definitely a sociopathic cokehead,

a co-coded former celebrity. There's one point in the film where the high five emoji, they get stuck in the, in like the candy crush game and the high five emoji eats loads of candy in a really like I'm doing coke kind of way and then goes, I can't feel my face. Yeah.

But also he throws it up, but does that imply that he has like bodily, like where's his asshole? At one point it's shown. And then he did again. At one point he is shown as having a butt. Like a dog. He's shown as having an anthropomorphic butt on the back of

his wrist. Oh, I missed that. Oh, his wrist. What? And furthermore, other other stray emoji. His wrist, which has legs. The month,

the month of June, the calendar emoji is portrayed as sexy two separate times. I missed this. I totally zoned out a bit of this film because you remember things that I don't remember at all. I might have made it up. What was sexy about it?

Well, the first, the when Jean was originally walking to his like hell job as a emotion prostitute. Yeah, emotional labor is labor guys. He walks past the month of June emoji standing over a great getting its pages blown up like Marilyn Monroe. And then another. I missed that.

Why does June have skirts? And another another separate occasion, the month of June is like walking by and someone like Wolf whistles it. Why is June so sexy? One might well ask. Well, to be honest, I am at my randiest in the month of June.

It's like once again, like the further theory development about the writers may there are two aggrieved grandfathers and Paul Joseph Watson, but grandma was called June and she was quite the striking one in her day. Only women may be called June. Imagine my shock, etc. How did we feel about the pirate calling the dancing lady

a saucy gypsy? That's a slur, isn't it? It is. It felt uncomfortable. The gypsy, the natural enemy of the pirate. So just to we travel the high seas, they travel the parking garages of Southeast England. So just to give some context for this,

I'm going to briefly sprint through the plot. Okay, sorry. I'll shut up for a bit. There I go. Don't miss out any important details, Riles. So the emoji who's being selected for this meh text is so amped to serve his god and master to human. I have to give some flyers to my flyer,

so that's why I didn't want to say that. I'm to the microphone because it's pretty raw. Just take the keys. Yeah, that's why I did a key hand signal. I just thought you were doing a knob switch. I guess you could say you did that hand signal pretty key-like. Okay, no. So just to reiterate for the listener

who won't be emotionally invested enough in me, my surname's Keely, so that is why that joke happens. But it was a setup for me not to say Keely. Yeah. No, it happened and I guess we're still here. We're still alive at this stage. No one has yet killed themselves. This is finding your keys with Alex Keyloss.

I hope you know this is all staying in. It is both a better plot point and a better poem than anything in the Emoji movie. Okay, I'm going to close my eyes, I'm just going to grit my teeth, and hopefully the plot will just come out like I'm speaking in tongues. So he goes to get selected

so he can send a meh text to this girl so we can try to erode her self-esteem because, you know, feminists and SJWs. But then the Emoji is so amped to do his job that he makes a bunch of faces and then a whole bunch of faces end up getting sent through to this girl's phone. And she's like, gross.

And then the whole world of textopolis starts just falling apart. Because crucially, one Emoji is enough to completely change someone's opinion of you. So at first she wants to go out with him or whatever, but then he sends her a weird Emoji and she's like, oh no, I must have misjudged him. He has poor taste in Emojis.

Not even the Liberian flag. I mean, come on. And then, and so that sets in motion a sort of the plot device that sort of the Emojis can actually act on the phone and then act in the real world, which sort of sets the peril in motion, the ticking clock, which is after it fucks up

a couple of times, the kid is like, I'm going to go get my phone wiped because obviously, like, I've downloaded a virus while I was surfing porn, which I've just discovered, which we will get to, because it's heavily implied that that's what's going on. I love it, I love it. Yeah, there are no nudie bits.

No, no. Well, because the emojis don't have genitals. It's you. Well, that's the thing. Is a sort of a sentient smiley face with legs in no genitals that somehow managed to bear children. Is that really something

that's not going to shock a young child? Let's go back to that you rating. Do we really think that's appropriate? Well, it's impossible to tell what will upset a child. That's the thing. You can have a go. The thing is, actually,

they weren't giving it a you rating. It's just a you film, an undersea film, which, you know, stalks the depths of the Atlantic and torpedoes American shipping. When it sank the Lusitania, quite rightly entered the war and burnt the emoji movie in textopolis

or text herb or textum, whatever. The the herbs, text on the herbs, text on them to the ground. The library of text. OK, we're talking about I had. I had a take about something that we were talking about. I can't remember it.

Was it hot? It might have been a hot take. It might have just been a take. I think it was at least it was at least like a moderately good take. They were just like, what are we talking about? Hang on.

He doesn't. You develop. No, you do. You too have developed a brain disease for watching this film. It's so bad. Oh, yeah, that was it. It was because you were talking about

like they introduced the peril, which I realised you're using in like the technical film term sense of like every film has like the peril, right? But like there was so little fucking peril in this film because I did not give a fuck. I wanted them all to die.

There was a bit right at the beginning when he fucks up and he goes and sits on top of a building to like contemplate his life. And I was like, I'll just jump and we can all go home in the first half an hour. Why are there buildings inside a phone?

Who knew? Yeah, also how come like the do the emojis need to sleep and eat? Like how come there's a city that's full of emojis, but all the emoji business happens in one central company. Also, it's a company

because this movie is so wedded to sort of existing power structures that they can only imagine a human's organised in a corporate structure. They can't imagine anything else. There's an emoji to have a board of directors that have a boardroom.

One of them's the poo. So what we've got to is we've got to the point where he's fucked up is a problem. The peril has been introduced. We're in the act five structure. Are we then two? We are two now.

We're entering act two. We're entering the second act where he is about to be deleted after the board meeting decides to murder him because in this also this film imagines a world in which a company board can just decide

to have one of its employees killed. So that's fun. So they basically live in the world of the firm, that Tom Cruise film. It's sort of like a rictus grin neuromancer, more or less. Right, right.

And so he goes on the run. He meets the high five. They go down into this basement where all the very unused emojis are hanging out. They make some hackneyed like, oh, they're eating Chinese food. One of them is just a Chinese woman.

The Chinese woman emoji. Yeah, no one likes the Chinese woman. Go fuck yourself, Chinese woman. But I really laughed a lot when Keel said, oh, they found the Anne Frank emoji down there. We're not going to cut that out. The Maddie emoji. That's reported speech.

We have no idea if that's just using me as a vessel for her own. And the Kate and Jerry McCann emojis were like, oh, we had no idea. She was still alive. I'm more OK with that joke than the Anne Frank emoji. And they just say, OK, we have to go to how I know it was a basement.

The Anne Frank emoji would surely be an attic. Oh, come on, guys. At least some structure to your horrible Anne Frank humor. I'm not anti Anne Frank. It's more Anne Frank theme humor, I guess. Yeah. I guess they were hiding from a totalitarian.

They were hiding from the villain who is constantly also happy. When it comes to the film Schindler's List, I'm very much team the Jews. I'm not. I don't even really flirt with team that I'm on girtha in that film, you know, very much sticking with, yeah,

our Semitic friends. OK. That is like something that Trump would like stomp on around. Trying to show he was like, sort of fine as Semitic friends. It's just like, you've over-explained the way that makes us more suspicious.

They all agree. All my Semitic friends agree that I'm really fun at parties. And you can see, they all signed my yearbook. I have lots and lots of friends. Some of whom are Semitic. Others whom are not, and they're all fine people. Fine people.

I'm sure. He's the guy that also means our people as well. And he's like, well, I'm not. Because he's, you know... So here we get to the first, I don't know, like tied pool that I kind of want to pause in, which is the Pirate app, because they escape out of the text app,

walk along the phone background and enter the Pirate app, because that, A, not a thing, but it's disguised. It's disguised as the dictionary. Why is it disguised as the dictionary? I was wondering whether it was a thing, and I was just really stupid,

and I didn't have this app that everyone else has. No, it's not a thing. Is it the... Is it an app version of that game I had as a child, pop-up pirate? Did anyone else have that? Where it was like a barrel, and you pushed the pirate figure down inside,

cutler swords through slots, and then eventually the pirate, if you stick the sword in the wrong slot, it would pop up in a sort of weird sexual metaphor. And start shouting about gypsies. Yes, and start shouting about gypsies. This is where we get the weird gypsy take, that I don't fully understand,

but it's the weird gypsy take. The saucy gypsy is what he calls that. Yeah, you saucy gypsy. And then the woman goes like, Oh, you junkies, junkies bastard! If you've not seen the video, Junkies, Junkies Bastard, I seem like I'm just making a weird statement about gypsies.

The funny thing about that pirate moment, is that there's all these different characters in this sort of... It's like a kind of shitty sort of moz-eyes, the vibe they're trying to do, of like, oh, look at this... Oh, the young protagonist is now finding a grander world full of crazy characters in one place, all with very...

Recording, get the rights to that music, so there's another song. Katie Berry in the background instead. Oh, yeah, we have to go into the soundtrack later though. So when that pirate says the gypsy thing, what's really funny is that there's all these trolls in there, and they're trying to have these... And then the troll says something,

so the pirate goes like, Oh, gypsy! It sort of breathes racial apathetic. And then the troll pops up with a kind of like, your face looks a bit silly type thing, and I'm like, you got those the wrong... One of those... One of those is very...

If a troll said that to me, I'd be like, I don't really give a shit about it, whereas it's like, where's all the racism coming from? The gypsy comment is so brushed over there. They're like, look what this troll said about, you... I rule and you drool. And all...

And also, like, the trolls live inside the phone. They made the phone. And the viruses too. When, like, trolls are either, A, other people who live not in a phone, or trolls who live under a bridge. So hackers, though. Yeah. I feel like everything that happens when they go inside

that piracy app or whatever it is, it's just all the ideas that they had in the writer's room where they were like, oh, trolls, there's a pun in that, let's put that in there. Trojan Horse put that in there, and they all just kind of rammed it into one scene. Was that a Trojan Horse? Who was literally... Who would speak to them?

I was paying so little attention. It was literally full of hoplites. Wait, actually... Yeah, but it was literally... I was about to make a joke, but you know... No, no, no, the troll... Which, A, they came out of his stomach in the story. They came out of the bottom of the horse.

Yeah. And that is our main problem with this film. Yeah. Because they rode Rothschild over the plot of the Aeneid. Yeah. Because for anyone who really knows the classical literature, the Storming of Troy is not described in the Aeneid. It's described in the Aeneid.

The Emoji movie didn't even try and come up with a good foundation myth for the herbs text on it. I was very... There was no like emojis being suckled at the teats of a wolf emoji. Well, you know, in the novel... In the Emoji movie, the novel... Wasn't it an epic poem originally?

Yeah. Handed down from the ages. Yeah, there's so much they miss from the original. So, go ahead. There's just one... Welcome to Alex Keely's jokes of work. Don't work, corner.

It's my favourite segment of my podcast. Alex Keely over-analyzes a kid's film. Alex Keely is actually in a corner as well. So, there's a bit where someone says something about like... You're being really annoying. You're giving me a nose bleed. And then like the nose emoji is next to me like, Hey, that's really offensive.

But I'm like... You're not a nose, but you're like a nose. You're not a nose, but like it's not... It's just another... It's like me saying that film is so bad, it's giving me cancer. And then Riley coming up and going, Hey, I'm right here because he's a person.

And I'm like, yeah, but you don't have cancer. I'm a person vulnerable to cancer. Although you have just watched this film, so you know my... I'm pretty sure most of it is just a brain tumor pressing on my brain causing me to hallucinate. I'm really just... Brain tumor pressing on your...

It would be very strange if a brain tumor was pressing on anything else. I really wanted... So for the purposes of this podcast, I really wanted to take a position of like defending it and saying how brilliant it was. But about 10 minutes in, I was like, I can't. I can't.

There's nothing to commend this. I'm disappointed. I'm going to return to my notes. I don't want to miss anything crucial that I wrote down. The obvious like big takeaway from this film is that if only there had been in the last, say, 12 to 18 months a film that had been released

which was about anthropomorphised emotions and that was really... Oh yeah, there's Inside Out. There's like one of the better Pixar films is exactly like... It's not in premise terms a million miles away. It's almost a quite similar premise, but it's just like excellent.

The Emoji Movie doesn't have to be bad, but it was very bad. It's obviously a shit concept, but it could have been fine. It does have to be bad. I think it was still worse than I thought it was going to be, which is really going some. It was tonally so varied that it couldn't...

It had some really dark and weird shit that was maybe a very game to the adults in the room that was... I don't know, all the death... Christina Aguilera is just being murdered. What happens is the police who are sort of protecting the interests

of the corporation. I feel like... Socialism. Takes hot, delicious takes. Pretty sure. He said... I said...

You hear the McDonald's... Yeah, and so they chase it. Into the pirate bar and just start indiscriminately murdering. Like the police just start indiscriminately murdering people in the pirate bar. And they chase...

Is this like when cops shoot people's dogs? It's also really funny that there's a bit when one of these security bots goes up to this sort of... I don't know, this guy and they were like, where's the people? He's just a lone security bar. Yeah, exactly.

Before we move on, while we're on the subject of cops shooting people's dogs, when they break the door down in America, I was going through Steven Seagal Wikipedia page and there was a lawsuit against Steven Seagal because of an episode of Steven Seagal Lawman or whatever it's called

that show where he is a cop and goes with the cops and he's like a volunteer cop in Arizona or some shit. Yeah, right, good, we've covered that. He broke into some Mexican guy's house with the police and the guy filed a lawsuit for the fact that the police shot his dog dead for no reason.

And then the conclusion of this lawsuit is the lawsuit was eventually dropped because the Mexican guy failed to sign certain papers in time. The conclusion I draw from this page is Steven Seagal shot this man's dog and got off on a date in Calty because the man was too

poor and illiterate to file the proper documents. Good lord. So the police are trying to find out where Jean is. The main emoji. I've seamlessly gone back into the emoji film. And he met the hacker. Oh my god, it's from earlier. Oh my god, it's a girl.

The girls can hack. Yes, I'm a tough lady. She's got some of these annoying opinions though. So they've in the process of scarpering and then the droid is like, you know, talking to these people in this bar, these criminals and then the

what goes to one of them like, where is it? And then the person's like, hey, maybe if you make it worth my while, I'll tell you. And then the droid just kills him. I'm like, right, but you're not, you need, like it's like it's like my shoes or something. You just, you just be like, it's such a weird

like if Jack Bauer just shot every terrorist in the head, I mean, that's actually more than better than torturing them in a way, but like you're not, you're not doing your job either way. That emoji just wanted his dick sucked. And he got shot for his trouble.

Imagine it's the director. Imagine the director was like, well, we can't cut that. We need that's going to go from a U to an A to an obviously gay to the story I'm trying to tell. The whole reason they go with the hackers

that he can get his face fixed to go to the cloud. And there's a rumor that the princess emoji lives in the cloud now. Something like this. Yeah. These are bits of plot that sort of just sailed. Bits of plot that even the people who wrote the film

didn't really understand or know. And sorry to skip, but there's a moment when she says, we made a pact. Didn't we? No. At no point. I don't think they made a pact. But everyone, everyone watching the film is by this

point lost too much blood to really remember or care. Well, no, it's because the two of the angry grandfathers both definitely have Alzheimer's. I feel like the only way to watch this film is like Seneca, like in a warm bath with the veins of your wrists open.

Like that is like just watch something else at that point. It's easier to turn over the channel than just end your life unless you're in a cinema and you can't. And that's but you can end your life. There is in every because, you know, I'm a

writer, you know, I've read some screenwriting books because I'm a success. And I've read every act to there's a part of the movie that is often called fun and games. This will be like where the person who's discovered a superpower might

trivially solve a couple of like or her might trivially solve a couple. Yeah, we're all about equal representation. A couple of crimes and maybe fly around and go woohoo. If a woohoo is going to happen in a film, it will be in this part of the structure. We have clearly after the Pirate Bar, if they run away,

we clearly land in a very literal interpretation of fun and games because they end up in two game maps that are sort of putting them in some light chronic peril. So they start in the dance one, don't they? No, they start on Candy Crush. They go Candy Crush first. They have a brief, they have a brief

flirtation with Facebook. They don't spend long time. Everyone's just talking about themselves and showing pictures of their breakfast and it's like, no, that's not what happens on Facebook, guys. Like, mainly it's hate speech from your uncle. Yeah, and it's like and it's like, and it's like, so these are all his friends. It's like, no, they're just people who like him

and that's all that matters. And then the emoji and Wokeway goes, but I'd rather have a real friend. It's like fuck off emoji film. No one who has real friends is watching this cunting film. It's also, it's also very like it's very like, yeah, all these

all these young men, they're not doing the proper Kimmich coming to this dark room for two hours and not speak to someone else. You're still doing a film. Who's this for? Who's the message for? The, yeah, it's not, it's, it's like we is the main thing in the film is totally very varied. There doesn't seem to be anything.

For the benefit of the listener, we watched this film in a cinema that was completely empty, apart from the four of us and like a mother with a young child for whom we ruined the film. Yeah, we couldn't let that rip. No, sorry, the people who made this film ruined the film. Yeah, we can't take the responsibility. If anything, we improved it with our fun

MST3K style sort of just descend into madness in the front, near the front row. Moving on. So one thing I noticed they do as well is in lieu of dialogue and character development, they just, they recap the plot and premise of the film over and over. But you

can express so many emotions, but I'm a tough lady. That's actually would be dialogue that they'd have, but also in Candy Crush, they'd recap the rules of Candy Crush a couple of times while the high five character, James Corden character, ex-celebrity is off just like

hoovering up the sugar getting high and not being able to feel his face. They do eventually save the game by sort of through it by playing a round of Candy Crush. A game which, by the way, is algorithmically designed so that you mostly don't win and it sort of entices

you to buy more plays per day. I'm full on addicted to Candy Crush. I'm really ashamed of it. I've spent money on it. I'm that guy. It's literally just like, it's no different to like other games that have been around since the fucking 90s. Like that one like Gemstones or whatever it was called. There's something about it that

makes it just more appealing and I don't know what it is. It's because you win a few times. It's because they put fructose in it. It's full of coke as the film is proof. You play Candy Crush. Now sniff the screen. And so then they go into what is, I think, the most

ghoulish David Cronenberg bit of the movie. Which is what they enter. The just death. Oh, we've really Cronenberg the world up, emoji. When you try and teleport and you leave a jelly bean. Oh, you're talking about that bit is the more Cronenbow bit. I was going for a fly.

Candy Crush. Anyway, sorry. So the by the way, in real life, the phone is going crazy in real life. It's like a Candy Crush sounds are playing while he's trying to talk to his Adderall crush. Yeah, this is so weird as well because like he starts talking to the girl and then his phone makes a noise

like, oh, you're really crushing that candy. And she's like, stop saying weird shit. As if like, as if like that's actually him saying it's like, first of all, it's like a man's voice saying something completely unrelated from his one. I'd be like at least be like stop saying weird shit.

You exceptionally good ventriloquist. There's no like throwing your voice into that phone. It's more yeah. This is just the first time it happens. I hate this girl. I hate her so much. She is awful. She only exists to be sort of a distant

passive. Go. Yeah, she's not even just a passive objective desire. She's like she's like a fucking dick. Like she's continually like every line that she has paints or is an irredeemable cunt. Like there is actually no like like to the point

and then like that he is completely personality less as well. His only personality trait is that he likes her and apparently likes to hide his jacking off in a pirate app. The stakes are very low in this film. That's why I mean it's weird that simultaneously the stakes are

very low and also every major protagonist briefly dies. It's like we could set the right smiley face. This one by the way, everyone's dead. It's like the eighth Harry Potter film on acid. So we're in this calm about it as well. They were like bye.

When his parents dissolve in front of him, the thumb one, like I don't want to cut it. It's the thumb one. It's like an existential crisis about it. It's terrifying as a flash forward. That's because the solution is to delete

the phone and have it come back. But before that happens, they end up in the Just Dance app, which I didn't know was an app. This film is completely technically illiterate on top of emotionally illiterate. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, like just he's going to delete the phone. It's like he unplugs a cable that is deleting the phone and that makes everything come back to life. And also the phone has been deleting from top to bottom because that's how phones work.

The messaging app is right in the middle. It's good thing it wasn't up in the corner like it is on most humans phones. It's like the messaging app is like a metaphor for like the most basic functions of the human brain. It's like the very centre light in the brain stem, you know, like where they consider

the phone is the texting app. And of course the app is a place, a physical place in the phone, much like consciousness in the brain is a physical place. It's very convenient that as everything's like collapsing and dying, he's the last thing to go. Yeah, it's just like Elon Musk.

As climate change kills everyone from the outside in. I said we should go to Mars. And then a flaming Tesla comes down from the sky and rescues him. And then he's like, do you want to reveal how it's resolved?

Well, I do want to talk about the Cronenberg horror world of the Just Dance app because that's when I realised that the film was slowly becoming saw. Cheerful, happy, Richter's grin saw as Christina Aguilera plays a like some kind of dance.

Boxing lady. Like a dance furor. She looks a bit like a stripper, like a well-meaning businessman would try to save in an 80s film. Hey girl. What are you doing in a place like this? I work on Wall Street.

And so they end up there on these little squares. And if they dance well, they can move forward. And if they dance poorly, they have to fall. A premise they fall into their deaths. A premise they restate dozens of times. But they have to dance happily or they'll die. It's like Roman Coliseum

Just Dance. Yeah, it's also really unclear what the dance is. Yeah, because it seems to be that there's a very, very shit. Oh, the girl, the hacker girl, he's bad at dancing.

And then we see her do these sort of weird contortions that indicate to us the audience that she is a terrible dancer. Because she likes technology. Because she's educated, so she must be bad at dancing. That's when they have the big reveal and they pull her hair off.

It's a myth, a myth that they I don't think they really a mythical seed, they didn't really plant that heavily at the beginning of the film. I didn't really know to look for a princess. It's like, it's so many. Like, there hasn't been a princess around here for a hundred nanoseconds. I don't know what, we never know quite know what the

passage of time is, whether time is the same passage for them. And they talk about they refer to the 80s, they talk about things happening in years. Oh yeah, they get all of some finger puppets from the 80s, which is where have they, how? Finger puppets are not a thing inside phones. Also, why would they, not just from the 80s,

they've just been around for a while. What I also love is how like when, so when the hacker girl gets revealed to be a well, I mean, in a way when the hacker girl gets revealed to be and it's by like, theatrically removing her beanie hat and blue wig to reveal her like crown, which is underneath

somehow. And then she's like, oh, this is so embarrassing. I've been revealed to be like the posh one all along. It's basically like most girls I knew at Cambridge who like bought a beanie hat and were like, yeah, I'm actually really edgy. I'm a king's. They fucking went to Cheltenham ladies and like holiday on their dad's yacht.

But I have a beanie. Was it you that turned to me and said you thought it was going to be a moment where it revealed she was actually a dude and the whole thing was actually it was incredibly woke and it was about like trans, misunderstanding. And he was going to have to like overcome his own like revulsion at having sex

with a man in order to follow his true love. Even though he has no genitals, he's just legs in a face. The fist would have more luck with her than the high part. Well, yeah. Well, this is the thing in the in the in the world of emojis. I mean, some in some ways

being trans is simpler because there is no pre or post-op because they have no genitals. No, it's true. Except from the part for the princess who does have a full body. She has a body, but it's really small in proportion to her head. It's really big in proportion to all the other emojis bodies, which don't exist, which don't exist.

In fact, it's an infinite percent larger. Yeah. I mean, it's really big in comparison to like the like general conceptual idea for this film, which doesn't exist. Because that's the thing. I think there might be some like some listeners might think I can't really follow the plot based on the way that the Trash

Future podcast is sort of describing it. This is about as good as it gets. Yeah. Yeah. You can't, you know, you can't summarize a turd. You can make Patrick money, but you can't summarize. The good thing is they just, they must have gotten

some amazing, because David Tell is in the film. They must have gotten him to write all his best poop jokes. We're number two and I don't flush this one. It's genuinely like he exists. And then just people keep like touching them and forgetting and then being grossed out. They just touch the poo. So it's like

the poo emoji is actually made of poo. Like there's like poo inside every phone. Like what does it smell? And they emerge from the toilet. Is it meant to say that that's where they live and they've woken up for the morning and they're coming out? Well, the poo emoji is actually also shit in a really weird matter.

But if there's a poo child, that means two shits must have fucked to make a child. I don't know. Maybe it's maybe that's how Donald Trump was born. Oh, God. Hey, Maron. Guys, listen to this, listen to this.

Listen to this. Co-fee-fee. Oh, so, but maybe Patrick, maybe just the turd is the dominant gene, right? So maybe it doesn't have to be two turds. Maybe that like humans are recessive in comparison to turds. So the process is fucking the turd.

Yeah. And so the turd gene is just dominant and it just produces full turds. All the turd gene is recessive and like the turds are amenable for like Huntington's disease. So they're the last in the lineage of turds and they'll soon go out or they have to be inbred. So I mean all the ones in the basement are

that's why they're maybe. But also why would the turds live in a toilet? That's like a sort of like like living on the edge of a precipice. I love that. I love that one of the turds, the turds are one of the emojis in the like in the like unpopular emoji basement

is the like stock market graph emoji like graphs. No one likes you graphs. Nerd. Nerd. They're too young for dick. Yeah, exactly. It's like lol that wouldn't even like he's old enough but the peach emoji is not.

It's like there's not, you know, it was like the jizzing water emoji. It was I didn't see it anywhere. Oh, good boy. So I think we're then about to be at the point which I would say is one of the more pointless, the more sort of like why was this here? You don't even attempt

any jokes in this. It doesn't propel the narrative in any way. I think they just try to use it to make it like a beautiful magical super the bit where they go into the Spotify app. Yes. I've been waiting for that. Nothing happens. Like there's no attempt at a joke. No, that's the bit where she loses her mind and then quickly apologizes.

Yeah, yeah. It's just like they go down the Spotify app is just like the succession of like song waterfall, song sorry, sorry, sorry great joke song streams. The word is literal. It is literally

a stream. So the boat goes down and they just listen to the song and then they go on to a different stream with a different song and that's it. No, no, no, nothing. Like there's no advert. There's not like a joke about maybe like an advert dam or like there's not a joke about like oh no it's one

that's spoken word. There's no attempt at any sort of like what would this be like if we were actually in this thing. The, and because they're initially in a rocker stream and the hacker girl's like I can do anything. Look watch me to handle this stream and Jean's like I don't care for this. She's like now watch

me, nay, nay. But then she's like okay I'll get us on to a commerce stream. That's it. I think much of this film is just the writer saying okay we need to fill pages. Come on guys pages. Let's get them out here. They're on a stream. They can do the for quick quick. Let's start with some chart hits from two years

going. But then they get on to a commerce stream but the commerce stream isn't a song that's recognizable at all. It's just sort of slow movie background piano music which is really cool. The rest of the music in the film

by contrast is so high octane that it gives you diabetes. It's aggressive. Like strong gasoline it gives you diabetes. Like strong gasoline. The other weird thing is the film is full of bubblegum pop music like Katy Perry and

fucking watch me, nay, nay. But the thing is it's all music from like two years ago. Normally in these films they have music from like you know popular music. But it's like yeah like I mean like we're all like it decrepit enough that like watch me, nay, nay is like

reasonably new enough to be like part of the same milieu of fucking dog shite culture. But like it is actually to I don't think like 13 year old kids now listening to that song like oh granddad watch you, nay, nay. I listen to Justin Bieber featuring some Spanish

guys. I do not care for that song. What a surprise, huh? Apparently it's all about whores as well, the Spanish bit. So apparently it's like really weirdly not bg13. It's like you it's impossible to tell but we'll upset a child.

Right, so then they go to the I just sort of want to I just sort of there's a bit of fun stuff to chat about at the end but there's just three more pretty sort of pointless scenes that happen. They go to the cloud for a bit. Yeah there's some peril, there's some password guessing.

The password is his crush's name by the way because the kids sociopath. Also like they're like we've guessed everything. It's like that's like one of the first things you'd guess if you're trying to guess it. Yeah there's like a scene in the recycling there's a heroic rescue but eventually

they get back to Textopolis and the phone is about to be wiped. No, no, no. There were two key ham-handed metaphor like what kind of like important like bits of like fucking message in the film which is when they like they're running away from the fucking

droid thing that's trying to kill them and they run into Dropbox and it can't get in he's like oh my god what are you doing? She's like don't worry I can't get in here. Dropbox is secure and it's actually like thanks Dropbox for saving our lives with your excellent customer service. Oh my oh my god we've only been in Dropbox

for a couple of minutes and your dick has grown so much bigger. What your house price has gone up as well. And then this is amazing quote where she's like we've got to get to the cloud and he's like why and she goes in the cloud you can be

whoever you want to be and it's like what the fuck is this? Like back up your data kids. But then they go to the cloud so that she can make his face permanently bare. Yeah, you can be whoever you want to be which means getting rid of every possible you apart from the bare.

And that's the apparent pact that they've made. How it works is he invests his sort of you know feelings for her and then just like any woman she's like friend zone bitch and then she's like I have a boyfriend he goes to another school

he also like what I love about when that happens as well is I don't think he's like correctly even like obviously he reacts in that very like way to it but she's not even she's sort of like two thirds of way to a sentence he just walks off because like

she's one like he's like yeah I can become a mere person and go about the thing and obviously you'll come back with and she's like no I'm like the implication I feel of the rest of the sentence is like but like maybe we could like date if you didn't want to like destroy your heart and if you just stay in the cloud

I don't think she's quite finished the sentence she's quite like you seem alright but I'm probably not going to like destroy my entire agency and aim in the whole thing that we've been doing just because you fancy me he's like well I've got to go about the thing all of that he literally walks out while she's still talking and then a massive

claw grabs him and drags him like all men do there's this bit where like when they arrive at the thing and she's like well I guess I better go change your program you see you're permanently a man now and he's like oh wait I'm actually having second thoughts about that she's like it's too late so we decided I'm already doing it

it's what we decided earlier in the movie maybe although there's no need for me to insist on doing this I'm gonna do it because I'm not listening I reject you wanting to do it again the whole thing seems like it was written by a Markov chain what's a Markov chain?

a Markov chain it selects from like a group of it basically is a random sentence generator where no one word is dependent on anything that came before the previous word so it's like it makes sentences oh it's a posh version of a madlib well it makes it's sort of a

it's a way to sort of make a kind of sound sort of correct but we're not in terms of like word placement but we're none of the words like actually mean anything it's almost structurally syntactically fine but it's not it's almost syntactically fine but it's

utter nonsense we're going through the beats of a film but that have been written randomly and so then they get back to textopolis and you're about to wipe the phone and the phone's getting wiped and this is where all the characters begin to die ah yes

because he's at the store and he's like my phone is cock blocking me which is a real problem in hieroglyphics class hieroglyphics class which they learn when they're 14 in America apparently up to speak

it's the only class we see them go to and it's hieroglyphics it's because actually this is taking place in the state of Texas and there are a lot of immigrants in the state of Texas from hieroglyph land and hieroglyphs is actually the second language and a progressive move to decide that all kids should learn hieroglyph in school so they can talk to their gardener

and all cleaner in hieroglyphs oh yeah and then there's this fucking bit where the teacher goes like a language of pictures hieroglyphs does that remind you of anything and the kids are all like too busy on their phones and he's like come on kids

I'm making it easy but it just sounds like my tutoring career, my erstwhile tutoring career while I'm like making it so easy for some child and they're like no I don't know and I'm like well you know like the dative case which Latin word do you think that takes

and he's like I don't know well there's a word in this sentence datum do you think that might go with the dative case and he's like I don't know I'm aggressively dumb yeah like everyone in the film is aggressively dumb like every child I've ever taught Milo Edwards Tutoring

yeah I don't mind them finding I hate children so they're big with their big plan oh oh shit I should be tutoring each other right now oh how late are you oh it's like literally the lesson is ending like now I was gonna cancel it anyway but I forgot

so oh shit because he just tired of his phone cock-bucking and that's hilarious he takes it in to get like fixed and they're like no we can send one amazing text to this Addy girl and have him not wipe the phone for some reason

and so as everyone is again dying every single character in the film just dies the main emoji with all his range of emotions is now inspired to have emotions again because the manic pixie dream girl has run back into his life

and sort of sublimated herself as a part of it and that's his story without any sort of agency of her own and then he makes a series I've heard a lot of this history what about some herstory am I right guys Slay Yasqueen

he makes a series a weird series of emotions a kiss face, a heart face a concerned face a smiling cat and then she comes over and says that's a pretty cool emoji a lot of emotions in one

and then they all turn to the camera and say a lot of emotions in one but some of the emojis that he sends are like weird unpalatable ones some of them are like weird unpalatable emojis like the vomit face

or like the zip mouth face and like why would you want that it's like a flirtation because the real plot is that this boy is going to kill her and wear her skin like a suit but she looks at it and she goes that's pretty cool

want to go to prom do you want to finger me in a bush it's the plot of I mean with best respect to his love interest there's a plot of a high school girl who doesn't realise that he didn't code that emoji that she's given him like a credit of

we should go on a date even if he just pressed a button on her that wasn't hit she thinks he's like a wicked she's described to be like that's a cool emoji I guess I don't understand the core

philosophy he is being wingman he is being wingmaned by sentient beings that he is in the process of genociding it would be like if the Bosnian Muslims got together and wrote a really cool letter

to Radevan Karajik's girlfriend and then she got back with him and he decided at the last minute to stop genociding them one of them alive at that point and then they are this is fine now then all of like Srebrenica is undone

yeah what I really wanted was for one of them like for when the point where they're like oh no he's it's very much in my head that's why I did it's like the deleting the when it's like deleting the phone the only way we can save the phone

is to set off a nuclear explosion deep inside the phone I could stay awake just to hear you breathing and then guys I think we've got we've not seen the film Armageddon we've got to the end of the movie

there's a post credit scene the post credit scene is pretty crazy there's a lot of like there's just a big dance it's again they thought do the emoji hop James Corden apparently like does more like Coke

and then leads everyone in like a dance about expressing yourself I guess but like through emojis the important thing with the soundtracking was that they used earlier in the film this new I'm going to sound like an 83 year old but like this hyperdiscord version

of Ahas Take On Me which is a song that's already very good to dance to and does not need any additional remixing but fine they used that earlier in the dance off scene and then they used it I think again at the end for the I was like well they didn't you know there are only two songs in the world

so best we'll have to use one of the ones we've already used in this film but are turning in their royalties well yeah because it's that bit where like at the end of the film it's like so earlier in the film they established this thing where like there's like the favorite section where like the most used emojis are it's like a VIP area

which is where James Corden wants to go and look in it again and like probably like sexually assault strippers or something like that I kind of get that vibe he's literally a hand and then someone one of the female emojis one of the female emojis at one point says to him like well only if you're less handsy this time

which is like oh it's a joke about him being a hand but it's also a joke about him being a sex pest but yeah so then they're queuing to get into the VIP area at the end and like our main character Gene who's so named because he's genetically deficient as an emoji and then they're like you can't come in on the list and he's like how can this be

I'm the most popular emoji now and they're like because everyone can come in it's like well so you can still come in rendering it just a hallway so the problem is do we have to work out whether James Corden's fist like character wanted to be able to hang out with people or whether he wants to get into the club

because it's like a vape and good whereby you it's only useful in other people excluded from it so thus the complete collapse of like division thus completely invalidated that only works if you're engaged with the idea of it being a VIP area whereas what it actually is the favorite section which is a section in your I don't know if you use emojis on your phone right but there's

the most used emojis which obviously no one goes through all the pages of emojis they're entangling so like if they just let all of them into the favorite section they'll completely negate the point of it the phone is made less useful yeah like it's just it's like de-improve the functionality the sequel to the film is the fact that he discovers that

suddenly his favorite section on his phone is like a near infinite collection of all the emojis he's like Chinese lady in stock market obviously like the parents of some of the emojis really I think what this is this is the emoji movie if we could sum it up is the epic story of a phone slowly breaking

a little bit that's it that's it we're done we're done when it was revealed at the end that Patrick Stewart had been paying the pool all along that really was the best moment of the film for me it's like you know that thing that sounded like Patrick Stewart phoning in a performance

yeah inside a phone Oooohhhh Of Maron goodbye you